Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

The Needlers

David…..Jason Sudeikis
Dr. Stevens…..Natalie Portman
Sally Needler…..Amy Poehler
Dan Needler…..Seth Meyers

[open on exterior of a medical facility]

[dissolve to interior door: “Fertility Clinic”]

[dissolve to doctor’s office]

David: [entering] Dr. Stevens, your three o’clock is here, finally.

Dr. Stevens: Oh, thanks, David. Show them in, please.

[the Needlers enter]

Sally: Hi, sorry we’re late, Dr. Stevens. Dan took this great short-cut that took twice as long for us to get here.

Dan: Yeah, it’s all part of my master plan to spend as much time as possible in a car with my wife.

Sally: My husband has a terrible sense of direction. That’s probably why his sperm can’t find my eggs.

Dan: Oh, you know–

[jingle plays with still photo montage]

Man: [singing] Who is the thorn that’s in my side? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at their wedding]

Woman: [singing] Who’s got the face that makes me angry? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing on a tropical vacation]

Both: [singing] Who makes me scream inside my head? [with photos of Sally and Dan arguing at Christmas] It’s who? Darling, it’s still you.

Announcer: [voice over with title] “The Needlers: The Couple That Should Be Divorced”

[dissolve to clinic]

Dr. Stevens: So, am I correct to assume that you’re trying to have a baby?

Sally: Well, I know that I’m trying. I can’t speak for my husband.

Dan: Oh, when did that start?

Dr. Stevens: Okay. Okay, uh, well, I always like to start with asking couples if they feel ready to be parents.

Dan: Oh, yes.

Sally: Without a doubt.

Dan: Definitely.

Sally: Yes.

Dan: Sally’s gonna make a great mom. She’s been treating me like a child for years.

Sally: Dan, I’ll stop treating you like a child when you get your drums out of the basement.

Dan: Sally wants the space for another treadmill she’ll never step foot on.

Sally: [with mock joy] Yay! You win!

Dr. Stevens: Wow. Okay. Having children is a really big responsibility. As I’m sure you know, they need constant attention.

Sally: Oh, I have an idea, Dan. If the baby needs constant attention, maybe we can dress it up like your secretary.

Dan: Or a bottle of red wine.

Sally: We love kids.

Dan: We do love kids.

Sally: We do.

Dan: We agree on that.

Dr. Stevens: Okay, let’s move ahead. Now, there are a lot of factors that can contribute to infertility. For example, how’s your diet?

Dan: Uh, it’s pretty good. Lots of vegetables. We’ve cut down on our meat.

Sally: Well, that’s because someone got mad at the grill and pushed it into the swimming pool.

Dan: That was probably because someone kept complaining that their steak tasted too steak-y.

Sally: You know, you ruin every Fourth of July.

Dan: You ruin the fourth of everything!

Dr. Stevens: Well, I think I know the answer to this, but how would you rate your stress level?

Dan: Low.

Sally: [simultaneously] High. [looks at Dan] Really?

Dan: Should I have high stress levels?

Sally: I dunno. Seven years without a promotion? I might get a little stressed out.

Dan: And what’s causing your high stress levels? The virus that’s sweeping through Port Charles on General Hospital?

Sally: You know, for a show you don’t watch, Dan, you certainly seem to know a lot about it.

Dan: I like to know my wife’s friends!

Dr. Stevens: Tell you what, why don’t we just fly right through the rest of this, get you out of here as soon as we can, okay? Have you ever suffered any injuries to the genital region?

Dan: Sally, you want to tell that story?

Sally: Look, I am sorry, Dan, okay? Cosmo said you would like it.

Dan: Well, Cosmo should have said to give me a heads-up first.

Dr. Stevens: I don’t even want to know what that means. All right, listen. Before you two make this important decision, listen, could I maybe suggest couples counseling?

Dan: You know, we tried that, but they kept saying we could solve all our problems if we just listened to each other.

Sally: Yeah, but we thought it might just be easier to have a baby. [makes a pouty face]

Dr. Stevens: Well, maybe you guys should try getting a pet, like a dog or something.

Dan: You know, we had a dog. It ran away.

Dr. Stevens: Oh, I’m sorry.

Sally: Oh, but we found it. But it ran away again.

Dan: Yeah. That dog wanted out.

Dr. Stevens: Look, this isn’t really my business, but you two seem entirely incapable of being parents.

Sally: How dare you?! [stands] My husband is more than ready to be a father. This is a man who went to one year of law school, three months of business school, and half-painted every wall in our living room.

Dan: [stands] And this woman may not be the most loving person you will ever meet.

Sally: Yes?

Dan: Oh, no, I’m done.

Sally: Oh! Can I talk to you for a second?!

Dan: Fine!

[the Needlers exit the office and slam the door]

David: [entering] Everything okay?

Dr. Stevens: Now it is. Can you send in my next patients, please?

David: Yeah, of course. [exits and immediately returns] Ah, I don’t think we’re going to have any more patients today.

Dr. Stevens: Why’s that?

David: Well, the Needlers are having sex out there. In the waiting room. On the stack of Highlights magazines.

Dr. Stevens: What?

[the Needlers stagger back into the office]

Sally: Oh, um, you’ll, um, should we come in next week for the test results?

Dr. Stevens: Uh, well, you’ll need to leave a sample.

Dan: Uh, there’s probably one out there.

Sally: Yeah, so, thank you guys!

Dan: Thank you guys! You guys were great!

Sally: Thank you!

[the Needlers back out of the office]

[dissolve to title screen with voice over: “The Needlers: The Couple That Should Be Divorced]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Artsy Apartment

Nunni…..Natalie Portman
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis
Nuni…..Maya Rudolph
Nonny…..Fred Armisen
Tato…..Chris Parnell

(Nunni and Jeff walk in the door to the modern house)

Nunni: Motha? Dadu? We’re here!

Jeff: I hope they like me.

Nunni: Don’t worry. They love all my new boyfriends.

Noony: You made it!

Nuni:Oh, you must forgive us, we were eating raw bacon in the lighthouse.

(the three hug)

Nunni: Motha, Dadu, This is my new boyfriend. He is from the college with me.

Jeff: Hi, it’s an honor to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Schoener.

Nuni: Oh please, everyone calls me Nuni.

Jeff: Oh! So Nunni, you’re named after your mother?

Noony: No She is Nunni and she is Nuni.

Jeff: Uh, yeah. Nuni, that’s what I am saying right? Nuni.

Noony: No, I am Noony.

Jeff: Oh, you’re Nuni.

Nuni: No. No. Noony.

Jeff: Nuuuuuuni.

Nunni: That is no one.

Nuni: Look at my face. Nuni.

Jeff: Alright, I feel like…Nuni. Is that right Nuni?

Noony: That is very incorrect. Hey! Let us toss in the towel.

Nuni: Please children, won’t you join us in the sitting room?

Jeff: Oh, Alright. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is there a chair for me?

Nuni: You sit over there on that pile of hair.

Jeff: Oh, this is actually a cahir?

Noony: Why yes it’s the Hair Chair by Mobus.

Jeff: Oh yeah, Mobus. Of course. Wow this chair is actually very itchy.

Nunni: Yes it is. It is because of all the gorilla hair.

Jeff: Wait, so did someone kill a gorilla to make this chair?

Nuni: What a terrible conclusion! It is the hair collected from the bottom of agorilla shower, silly.

Noony: So young boy. Please tell us about yourself.

Jeff: Uh, well. My name is Jeff.

Nuni: Geyf. Gearf. Guearf. Guarf.

Jeff: No no no it’s Jeff.

Noony: Je Guar. Jay Hay. Jerganz.

Nunni: Motha Dadu, you are embarrasing me. Its Jerff. Jeh-Ear-Earre-Effe! Juearf!

Noony: Oh. Like the racecar competitor Juaref Gueardon.

Nuni: Oh, like the wonderful actor Juef Goaldblaum.

Nunni: Precisely! Juearf!

Nuni: Wonderful! We’re in agreement.

Noony: With all this visiting you must be quite hungry. Who wants a snack?

Nuni: Tato! Time for treat!

Tato: Who wants melted ice cream?

Nuni, Noony, Nunni: Me me me me me me me!

Noony: Oh Tato please. Give me blueberry. It’s my favorite.

(Tato sucks it up through a large straw and spits it into his mouth)

Nunni: Put on your treat bib Jarbf!

Jeff: No, I’m good. I really don’t need anyone to blow melted ice cream into mymouth.

Nuni: Oh Guarf, don’t be rude.

Nunni: Please Lerf. If you cared about me you would be more polite. Tato TatoTato, me next!

Jeff: I do care about you Nuni.

Noony: Well, I care about you too, but this is all so new to me.

Jeff: Not you Nuni, her Nuni. You know what, uh, Tater. Let me try thestrawberry.

Tato: Open wide, here comes the tube.

Jeff: Ahh, alright.

Tato: My cousin turns three in two more years. (giggles)

Jeff: Hey, how about that? Uh, you know what, that didn’t taste like strawberry.

Nuni: That is because it is pizza and capers.

Jeff: Wonderful.

Nunni: Would you like to try banana and clam?

Jeff: You know what, I’m gonna pass. I’m gonna pass on that one. Uh, where’s thelittle boys room.

Nunni: Oh, please use Dada’s mobile.

Nuni: It’s the Carry Pot by Human Function.

Jeff: Um, where do I do this?

Noony: Well, right here of course.

Jeff: Uh huh. Uh, maybe I’ll just take this little bugger outside, alright?

Nuni: Alright. Bye Groof.

Noony: Bye Jyland.

Nuni: Oh darling. He is so charming.

Nunni: He’s shy.

Noony: I want some more melted ice cream! Tato!!!

Tato: Who want’s seconds?

Noony, Nuni, Nunni: Me me me me me me me me!

(fade out to Nonny getting more ice cream spat in his mouth)

Submitted by: Redhead

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Rebecca Herschlag…..Natalie Portman
Sheldon’s Grandfather…..Fred Armisen
Jonah…..Andy Samberg
Sheldon’s Father…..Chris Parnell

[open on hand-drawn sign: “Wakefield AV Club presents Sheldon’s Bar Mitzvah,” with party music playing]

Megan: [from behind the sign] Hey, coming at you live from the beautiful Heritage Ballroom at the San Jose Embassy Suites, this is Sheldon’s bar mitzvah. [she sets the sign down to reveal herself and Sheldon, dressed formally, including a yarmulke for Sheldon, in a ballroom filled with teenagers dressed similarly]

Sheldon: Thanks.

Megan: I’m your host, Megan, and I’m taping this for my best friend and guest of honor. He’s got mad Hebrew skills. Please welcome Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey. Hey.

Megan: Whoah, Sheldon, this bar mitzvah is sweet. It’s just like “My Super Sweet Sixteen,” except sooner and Jewish-er.

Sheldon: Thanks. Embassy Suites is really first rate. My dad got married here last year.

[Megan takes an hors d’oevre from a passing waiter]

Megan: Wow, look, they’ve got chicken satay. [shows it to Sheldon] Awesome!

Sheldon: Oh! Don’t hold that near my face; major peanut allergy.

Megan: Sheldon’s parents went all-out for this. [camera pans across buffet table, showing the following items] They have a make-your-own-sundae bar, virgin jello shots, and a professional Conan O’Brien look-alike.

[a man with red hair makes a thumbs-up sign, makes wild hand gestures, then runs two fingers across his lips and through his hair]

Sheldon: Yeah, and my mom said she had some kind of surprise entertainment later.

Megan: [spastically] Is it Maroon 5?! Is there any possible way your mom got Maroon 5 to be here?! That’d be aweome! [somewhat more calmly] Adam Levine’s voice jumps out of my iPod and into my soul. [singing] And he wi-i-ill be lo-o-oved!

Rebecca: [approaching from the side] Hi Sheldon. Congratulations! You did so great, and this party is so fun.

Sheldon: Thanks.

Rebecca: You look really nice.

Sheldon: Thanks. So do you.

Rebecca: I’m gonna go get a Sprite–

Sheldon: [simultaneously] Do you want to dance–?

[Rebecca turns and walks away]

Megan: Whoah, awkward. That’s Rebecca Herschlag, Sheldon’s ex. They hooked up in the pit orchestra of “Guys and Dolls.”

Sheldon: [scoffs] Never date a viola player.

Sheldon’s Grandfather: Oh, there he is. The superstar! [he grabs Sheldon’s chin and cheeks] Look at that little punum!

Sheldon: Hey, Grandpa.

Sheldon’s Grandfather: [lets go of Sheldon’s face] You know what, I got something for you. But don’t open it here, all right? I’m not trying to show off. And, anyway, it’s a surprise. [to Megan, loudly, but with a cupped hand] It’s a hundred dollars! [seeing someone off-camera] Hey, Maury!

Megan: I’m super-fascinated by the mystical nature of Judai-ism. The yarmulkes, the Kabbalah bracelets, oh, I don’t know, Adam Levi-i-ine. Whoah, who brought up Adam Levine? That’s cool. I have a picture of us if you want to see it. [she pulls a folded magazine page from inside the bosom of her dress] It’s the two of us here. [she opens it to the camera to show that it’s a photograph of Adam Levine in the magazine, with a photograph of herself glued next to him] “Oh, hey, Adam. What are you doing here at Sheldon’s bar mitzvah?” “I came here to be with you, baby.” “Oh, wait, I–” [she crinkles the page to put the faces on top of each other, as if kissing] “Mmm-mmm, ooh, ooh.”

Rebecca: [rushing up] Sheldon, careful, there’s chicken satay!

Sheldon: Oh, I know.

[“Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker begins to play]

Rebecca: I just wanted to make sure you have your epi-pen.

Sheldon: [he pulls an epi-pen from his lapel] You know me too well, Herschlag, too well. [he replaces the epi-pen]

Rebecca: Oh, my gosh, they’re playing our song.

[Sheldon and Rebecca look at each other]

Jonah: Hey, Becca, babes, the Conan line’s died down a little. You wanna get our picture taken?

Rebecca: Yeah, do you wanna?

Sheldon: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, are you two a thing?

Rebecca: Oh, Sheldon. Yeah. We were paired up in science for frog dissection, and, you know, one thing to another.

Jonah: What can I say, man? The heart wants what it wants. [“Check On It” by Beyoncé begins to play] Ooo-o-oh!

[Jonah and Rebecca dance away to the side]

Megan: Hey, Sheldon, do you want to dance?

[Megan puts her hands on Sheldon’s shoulders, turning him to her, and they bounce and rock a little, while Rebecca grinds her backside wildly onto Jonah, and Sheldon sees this]

Sheldon: Whoah! All we did was hold hands while we waited to get picked up.

Megan: Wow, poor Sheldon. If Sheldon were to make a mathematical graph of this evening, the line spiked at the wheeling-out the chocolate fondue fountain, and now it has plummeted, maybe even reaching below the x-axis. Sheldon may have only dated Rebecca for two days, but he said it was super-intense.

Sheldon: The love of my life leaves me for my debate partner? [sighs] Today I am a man.

Sheldon’s Father: [on the stage] Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our very special surprise musical guests. I’ll give you a hint: they’ve got a number in their name.

Megan: [spastically] Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh! Maroon 5! Five, number five is a five, number, number five! Oh, my gosh, Maroon 5, awesome, they’re here!

Sheldon’s Father: Ladies and gentlemen, Jazz Times 10!

[teenaged boys come to the stage with musical instruments and begin playing Hava Nagila, while a Hora starts on the dance floor]

Sheldon: No way! I’ve never needed you guys more than I do right now!

Megan: Yeah, shake it off, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Shoddy, you rock that clarinet! Man, nothing pulls me out of a funk faster than Jazz Times 10 going klezmer. Ha-ha! Signing off, I am Sheldon. [rolls his hand off his forehead in a salute]

Megan: And I’m the future Mrs. Adam Levi-i-ine.

Megan and Sheldon: Shalom!

[Megan and Sheldon head onto the dance floor and join the Hora]

Submitted by: DavidK93

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 13

05m: Natalie Portman / Fall Out Boy

An SNL Digital Short

Written by: Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg, Natalie Portman

…..Chris Parnell
…..Natalie Portman
…..Andy Samberg
…..Seth Myers

[Scene opens to Natalie Portman being interviewed by Chris Parnell]

Chris Parnell: I’m here with film star Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman: Hello.

Chris Parnell: So Natalie, what is a day in the life of Natalie Portman like?

Natalie Portman: Do you really want to know?

Chris Parnell: Please, tell us.

[Cut to black and white scene, Natalie rapping]

Natalie Portman:
I don’t sleep mother fucker; off that ‘Gnac and that Bourbon
Doin’ 120, gettin’ head while I’m swervin’

[Cut to Seth Myers talking to Natalie]

Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick

[Switch back to Natalie rapping]

Natalie Portman:
Yo. Shut the fuck up and suck my dick
I’m bustin’ dudes mouths like gushers mother fucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit out Jeff Zucker

What you want Natalie?
To drink and fight
What you need Natalie?
To fuck all night

Don’t test when I’m crazy off that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat till your shittin’ my shoe
Leave you screamin’, pay for my dry cleanin’
Fuck her man it’s my name that he’s screamin’

[Cut to Seth getting slapped in the face by Natalie, scene switches back to Chris interviewing Natalie]

Chris Parnell: I’m sorry Natalie, are we supposed to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?

Natalie Portman: I never said I was a role model.

Chris Parnell: But what about the kids that look up to you, do you have a message for them?

[Cut to a little girl dressed as Queen Amidala asking for an autograph, Natalie grabs girls notebook and throws it away]

Natalie Portman:
All that kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick
It’s Portman mother fucker, I drink till I’m sick

[Natalie breaks bottle on her own head]

Slit your throat, and pump nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry, while I laugh you die

And all the dudes, you know I’m talkin’ to you

[Scene cuts to a group of guys]

Guys: WE LOVE YOU NATALIE!

Natalie Portman:
I wanna’ fuck you too
‘P’ is for Portman
‘P’ is for pussy
I’ll kill your fuckin’ dog for fun, so don’t push me

[Switches back to interview]

Chris Parnell: Wow, Natalie I’m surprised all of this from a Harvard graduate.

Natalie Portman: Well, there’s a lot you may not know about me.

Chris Parnell: Really, such as?

[Cuts to Natalie rapping in a cap and gown]

Natalie Portman:
When I was in Harvard
I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test
And snorted all the Yay
I got a def posse
You got a bunch of dudes
I’ll sit right there on your face and take a shit

[Cut to Natalie, Andy Samberg enters scene dressed as a Viking]

Andy Samberg:
Natalie you are a badass bitch (Hell Yeah!)
And I always pay for your dry cleanin’
When my shit gets in your shoe (What!?)
As for the drug use
Well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you, helllp

[Again scene goes back to Chris interviewing Natalie]

Chris Parnell: Okie-dok, Natalie one final question. If you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it b—

[Natalie takes her chair and throws it at Chris]

Natalie Portman: No more questions.

[Natalie walks away]

WHAT!

[fade]

Submitted by: Amy Soto

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 11th, 2006

Matt Dillon

Arctic Monkeys

None

Paula Pell
Spring BreakSummary: A group of college girls on their way to Spring Break in Cancun gab about the activities they will soon partake of.

Transcript

MontageNote: When it comes time to announce Arctic Monkeys, Don Pardo completely blanks out.

Matt Dillon’s MonologueSummary: Though Matt Dillon didn’t win the Academy Award, he indulges in reading his unused, hate-filled acceptance speech to the audience.

Bio: Matt Dillon (1964-). Actor; 1980’s teen idol, who starred in films like “The Outsiders” (1983) and “The Flamingo Kid” (1984); nominated for Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his portrayal of a racist cop in “Crash” (2005).

Transcript

prisonmates.netSummary: The online singles site where women can meet men who aren’t afraid to commit – because they’re unable not to.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsal of last week’s episode.

Transcript

SportscenterSummary: Barry Bonds (Kenan Thompson) denies steroid use in the midst of scandal.

Recurring Characters: Stuart Scott.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In “Doppelganger”, cast members Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg and Will Forte scan the park for their dopplegangers while eating lunch outdoors.

Transcript

Two A-holes at a Travel AgencySummary: The two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiig) can’t make up their minds where they want to take a trip to.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Transcript

How To Order Sushi Like A CEOSummary: CEO (Matt Dillon) knows the exact jargon involved in order sushi like a professional, but doesn’t seem to be enjoying his lunch.

Transcript

J.J. CasualsSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: Repeat from 11/12/05.

Joplin: Alive PodcastSummary: Hosting a podcast from a booth at Bennigan’s, Brendan Kern (Jason Sudeikis) and Lane Singleton (Bill Hader) flirt with waitress (Kristin Wiig) and interview Julian (Andy Samberg), a childhood friend who picks up girls while using a fake French accent.

Note: Although Bill Hader’s character is introduced as Lane, for some reason everyone refers to him as Eric throughout the duration of the sketch.

Note: Matt Dillon played Andy Samberg’s role in dress rehearsal.

Transcript

Arctic Monkeys perform “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor”Bio: Indie rock band; won “Best New Act” at the 2006 Brit Awards; members: Alex Turner (lead vocalist, guitar), Jamie “Cookie” Cook (rhythm guitarist), Andy Nicholson (bass guitar) and Matthew “The Cat” Helders (drummer).

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Dubai spokesman Farhad Nsar (Horatio Sanz) drops pop culture references while commenting on President Bush’s reneged U.S. ports proposal. Mideast expert Will Forte sings an informative jingle that helps differentiate Shai, Sunnis and Kurds.

TV Land Variety VaultSummary: A lost television recording from 1961 features spookish Vincent Price (Bill Hader) hosting a Thanksgiving special with guests Don Knotts (Darrell Hammond), Katharine Hepburn (Kristin Wiig) and Rod Serling (Matt Dillon) breaking the fourth wall.

Recurring Characters: Vincent Price, Katharine Hepburn, Rod Serling.

Transcript

Inner Harmony Relaxation TapeSummary: Frank (Matt Dillon) keeps improvising and speaking loudly while recording his part of the voiceover for a relaxation tape.

Transcript

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: Yet more personal injury hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Nettie Bo Dance, Mrs. Denmont, Jake Denmont, Tyler.

Arctic Monkeys perform “A Certain Romance”

DeCicco Brothers UnicornerySummary: The DeCicco Brothers (Matt Dillon, Bill Hader) sell unicorns in all shapes and sizes to meet every unusual consumer need.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

]]>

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Brain EatersSummary: Members of a space crew discuss ideas to prevent aliens from eating their brains.

Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around.

McNuggetsSummary: A woman (Rachel Dratch) sings the joys of McDonald’s McNuggets.

Recurring Characters: Ronald McDonald.

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) interrupts a women’s book club meeting.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Travel Agent…..Matt Dillon
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like a tropical postcard with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Travel Agency.”

[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]

Travel Agent: Hi, come on in. What can I help you folks with today? Have a seat.

[The two sit down.]

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna take a trip. [chews gum] What kind you got?

Travel Agent: Well, we have all sorts of travel packages, do you know where you want to go?

Male A-Hole: Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: [chewing gum] I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Travel Agent: Okay, well, I can help you with that. Would you like to go someplace warm?

Male A-Hole: Whaddya think, babe?

Female A-Hole: ‘Bout what?

Male A-Hole: The warmth.

Female A-Hole: The WHAT?

Male A-Hole: Warmth.

Female A-Hole: Can I have a diet ginger ale?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take a lemonade.

Travel Agent: Uh, we don’t serve drinks here. We do have water.

Male A-Hole: You want water, babe?

Female A-Hole: I hate water.

Male A-Hole: [jerks thumb at her] She hates water.

Travel Agent: Well, I guess a, uh, cruise is out of the question, then, huh?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we don’t get it.

[laughter] Female A-Hole: Should he be showing us pictures or something?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, you guys got brochures?

Travel Agent: Of course. [pulls brochures out of desk drawer] Here are a few of our, uh, popular destinations, all very beautiful. Are you, uh, familiar at all with the Yucatan?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that place. Y’know that place, babe?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: Know Yucatan?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: You hear about that one–you heard ’bout that place, right, babe?

[long pause]

Male A-Hole: Babe, Yucatan?

Female A-Hole: [glares at him] Yah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we know it.

Travel Agent: Great, would you like me to pull up some more information for you?

Male A-Hole: I dunno. You wanna go there, babe?

Female A-Hole: Where’s your ATM?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s gotta check her balance.

Travel Agent: Uh, look, folks, we don’t have one of those here. There is a Seven-Eleven across the street.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. Wanna go over there, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Europe.

Male A-Hole: [with a touch of sarcasm] You guys know where Europe is?

[laughter]

Travel Agent: [carefully controls temper] Yes, we know where Europe is. Did you have someplace specific that you wanted to go, someplace specific in mind?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, whaddya think, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna drive there.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna do that.

Travel Agent: You can’t drive to Europe.

Female A-Hole: I can if I drive a BOAT.

Travel Agent: So you want to rent a boat and drive it to Europe.

Female A-Hole: What STREET are we on?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where are we?

Travel Agent: Look, why don’t you two think about this some more, and when you narrow it down to a few places, come back. Okay?

Female A-Hole: I know where I wanna go.

Male A-Hole: All right, we got it, buddy. Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: England.

Travel Agent: Okay, England’s great, it’s a big place. There’s, uh, London. Brighton’s very nice. Did you have someplace in mind?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go to Hogwarts.

[laughter]

Travel Agent: You mean from the Harry Potter books?

Male A-Hole: Yeah. You guys got trips on magic school?

Travel Agent: Sir… that’s not a real place.

Male A-Hole: Mm-hm. All right. They don’t go to there, babe. Probably gotta go online for that, right, somethin’ like Orbitz or somethin’?

Travel Agent: NO, it’s a fictional place. You cannot GO there.

Male A-Hole: Right, right, right, gotta wait till summer, the wizards are outta school, right?

Travel Agent: No, never. It’s impossible. You can never go to Hogwarts; it doesn’t exist.

Male A-Hole: It’s invisible, right.

Travel Agent: Look, you obviously don’t know where it is that you want to go, so why don’t you go home, and think it over, and come back when you’ve made up your minds.

Female A-Hole: I wanna go there.

Travel Agent: Where?

Male A-Hole: Where ya wanna go, babe?

Female A-Hole: I wanna go there.

[She points to the wall behind the travel agent. CUT to a framed poster of an airliner in flight.]

Travel Agent: Ma’am, that’s a poster of an airplane.

Female A-Hole: I know. I wanna go there.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we wanna go there. How much?

Travel Agent: [pounds desktop] Get out. [points to door] Get the hell out of here.

Male A-Hole: They’re closin’, babe.

Female A-Hole: [to travel agent] Can you rub my shoulders? I slept weird.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, you guys do backrubs here?

Travel Agent: LEAVE!

Female A-Hole: Maybe a grilled cheese.

Travel Agent: Fine, you know what, I’m gonna go in the back, and I’m gonna get some coffee. When I come back, you two better be gone.

[He stomps out the back and slams the door behind him.]

Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.

Male A-Hole: Yeah.

[He props up his feet on the desk. ZOOM out over applause, then FADE ]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Spring Break

Jessica…..Maya Rudolph
Tasha…..Amy Poehler
Kiki…..Rachel Dratch
Becca…..Kristin Wiig
Attendant…..Finesse Mitchell
Dad…..Chris Parnell
Mom…..Paula Pell

[ open on exterior, Akron-Canton Airport ]

[ dissolve to interior, Jessica seated in the passenger boarding area next to a pair of adults nonchalantly reading from a newspaper and a magazine ]

[ Tasha enters scene holding a travel guide, sits next to Jessica ]

Tasha: Oh, my God! It’s gonna be the best Spring Break ever!

Jessica: I know!

Tasha: Listen, check this out: [ reads from travel guide ] “Upon arrival, ask the van driver for your Cancun Madness Party Pack, and drink free for the first fifty hours!”

Jessica: That is so rad!

[ Becca and Kiki stroll into the area with their bags ]

Kiki: Oh, my God! Jessica?

Jessica: Kiki?

Kiki: Tasha?

Becca: Becca?

Kiki: Misty?

Becca: Wait. That’s one too many names.

Kiki: Oh. Sorry. I’m a little drunk already!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: where are you guys breaking at this year?

Tasha: Oh, we always go to Cancun for Spring Break, because you can get a hotel room for, like, $3.

Jessica: Yeah. and everyone there is so friendly, you can just get in a random car and they’ll give you a ride! It doesn’t even have to be a cab.

Becca: That’s cool! I’m meeting a guy I met on MySpace in Amsterdam, ’cause I thought it would be fun to try group sex and hash in the same week!

Kiki: [ holding a bottle of alcohol ] I’m going to Chechyna, because the drinking age there is nine!

[ they high-five one another ]

Jessica: What’s in all the bags?

Kiki: Oh. Um – all my Spring Break necessi-ta-tas! This one has cash, my Dr. Suess hat, and my poncho in case I fall asleep on the street. [ pulls up smaller, pastel-colored bag ] and this little one is because I like to bring my own roofies!

All: Ohhh!! Girl Power!!

Becca: I brought a Luna bar, ’cause I swore I would eat something this year!

Kiki: Oh, I wish I thought of that.

Becca: I’ll split it with you!

Kiki: Okay!

Jessica: Last year, I got so sunburned they had to cut my bikini off for the Hot Boobs contest.

Tasha: Last year, when I got back to school, I found a ten-dollar bill in my butt.

Kiki: Hey – what’s your major again?

Tasha: Women’s Studies, with a concentration in Feminist Literature!

[ they high-five one another ]

Becca: I hope they have a rum shower! Last year, in the Grill, they had giant shower heads on the beach that shot rum in your mouth – it was awesome!

Jessica: Last year, my friend went to this little island off the coast of Haiti, and the place had an all-you-can-suck beer hose!

Kiki: Did she like it?

Jessica: I don’t know. They can’t find her!

[ they high-five one another ]

Tasha: You guys, I just hope I don’t end up in “Girls Gone Wild” this year.

Jessica: [ chuckles ] I hope I do!

Tasha: [ chuckles ] You’re right, I’m totally lying – I hope I do, too!

[ the two of them smile, then rub tongues together ]

[ Employee steps into the back of the passenger boarding area to address the passengers over the loudspeaker ]

Employee: ATD Airlines, Flight 59 to Cancun, now boarding.

[ the four girls and the two adults stand up ]

Jessica: Alright – bye, Dad; bye, Mom! Thanks for driving us! [ hugs the man who was quietly sitting next to her ]

Dad: Yeah. Have a great time. And, remember, young lady —

Jessica: [ disgusted ] Dad. I know.

[ everyone squeezes together and yells at the camera: ]

All: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Goodnights

…..Matt Dillon

Matt Dillon: Thanks to Arctic Monkeys, and, everybody, this has been a great night. Thanks to “Saturday Night Live”, Lorne Michaels – a fantastic job.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 14

05n: Matt Dillon / Arctic Monkeys

Joplin: Alive Podcast

Brendan Kern…..Jason Sudeikis
Lane Singleton…..Bill Hader
Janet Gertner, waitress…..Kristin Wiig
Julian…..Andy Samberg

[FADE IN on two guys sitting at a restaurant table as squalling rock music plays. The man on the right sits behind a laptop and a mug of beer.]

Brendan Kern: Hey, how ya doin’, welcome to the show, you’re watching “Joplin: Alive,” Joplin, Missouri’s only video podcast. All right, I’m Brendan Kern, and with me as always is my oldest friend, Lane Singleton, how ya doin’, Lane?

Lane: (leans toward microphone) I’m doin’ pretty bad-ass.

Brendon: All right. Uh, we got a heckuva show–

Lane: Am I your oldest friend?

Brendon: Yeah, yeah, we talked about that before.

Lane: Man, I always thought you were talkin’ ’bout age, but you’re talking about duration.

Brendon: Yeah.

Lane: That puts a whole new spin on our friendship.

Brendon: Yeah, I guess it does.

Lane: Whoo.

Brendon: Hey, Lane, why don’t you play goose on this one and let everyone know where our coordinates are?

Lane: Tonight we’re coming to you from a back booth inside a Bennigan’s.

Brendon: Yeah, that’s right, that’s off of I-69 and Heathridge Boulevard.

Lane: I love the hell out of this place.

Brendon: Yeah, you do.

[They both chuckle goofily as a waitress, named Janet Gertner, sets a plate on the table.]

Janet: [in a soft Southern twang] You had the chicken ranch potato skins?

Brendon: That’d be me. Our server tonight is an old friend from high school.

Lane: And the, uh, girl who broke Brendon’s heart, Janet Gertner.

Brendon: [mildly] Hey, shut up, dude.

Lane: It’s already out there, man.

Janet: Eric, did you have the southwest egg rolls?

Lane: Yeah, I did. They come in that sweet pineapple pepper cream sauce.

Brendon: You love that stuff.

Lane: Jeezy creezy, I’d eat my own HAND if it was covered in that sauce.

Brendon: Hey, uh, so, Janet, what are your plans after work, huh?

Janet: I dunno. I’ll probably go to the karaoke at the Holiday Inn.

Brendon: Oh, yeah? Yeah, maybe, uh, maybe we can sing a duet, huh?

Janet: Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, my boyfriend’s gonna be there.

Brendon: Oh, yeah, I see. He back from Iraq?

Janet: Yeah, and he’s deaf in one ear now, so I should really stay with him.

Brendon: Yeah, I gotta respect that. I, uhhh…

[A man walks directly between the camera and their table.]

Brendon: Excuse me, sir. I… [laughs nervously] Uh, y’know…

Janet: Yeah.

Brendon: Oh, well.

Janet: I mean, I, I can maybe make out with you sometime, but I just don’t want to sing a duet with another man in front of him, cause that’d just be rude.

[laughter]

Janet: Bye! [exits shyly]

Brendon: Okay. See ya, Janet.

Lane: Geez, Janet. Didn’t ask for your life’s story or anything.

Brendon: Oh, Gawd.

Lane: She’s a real chatterbox, she needs to be more like, like a listening box.

Brendon: Eric, go easy on her, I mean, his boyfriend just lost his hearing.

Lane: That’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

[laughter]

Brendon: You can’t say that! All right, let’s keep this show…

[A couple walks in front of them.]

Brendon: …moving. All right, thanks. Uh, all right, uh, let’s bring out our guest tonight. This guy throws the biggest parties in Joplin!

Lane: Yeah, Joplin is a-BUZZ with this guy’s bad-ass parties.

Brendon: Yeah, they sure are. Please welcome Julian!

[Julian joins them in the booth to applause and sets a plate of food on the table.]

Brendon: Hey, thanks for coming on the show, Julian.

Julian: [in heavy European accent] Hello, hello, everyone. I’m to announce that, you come to my party this week-END, all the pretty GIRRRLS will be at the party.

Brendon: [jerks thumb at him] He’s serious, you guys.

Lane: Hey, Julian, what I don’t get is how you get such a high ratio of hot babes to average-lookin’ dudes like ourselves. [to Brendon] No offense to ya.

Brendon: No, none taken.

Julian: All the pretty girrrls love my party, and when I have a party, all the pretty girls COME to my party.

[laughter]

Lane: This guy’s got a one-track mind, man.

Brendon: Pretty girls and parties.

Julian: I also like WINE.

Lane: Well, that’s a, that’s a trifecta right there. Maaan. [laughs] So, ya–

[A restaurant patron walks directly in front of the camera and blocks the shot for a second. Lane/Eric looks after them in disgust.]

Brendon: All right. Now, about this party, Julian, uh, anything we need a heads-up about?

Lane: Yeah, is there like a dress code, like no flip-flops?

Brendon: [points to Lane] Oh, c’mon, this guy wants to know if he can wear his short-shorts.

Lane: I got the legs for ’em, man.

Brendon: Yeah, he sure does. He’s got his mom’s knees. Hey, uh, Julian, let me ask you one question, buddy. Y’know, why’re you talkin’ in that French accent, man?

Julian: What do you mean?

Lane: Yeah, I kinda noticed that too, I mean, you grew up like three houses down from me.

[laughter]

Lane: I used to do slam dunks off your trampoline.

Julian: What can I say? It ELPS with the ladies.

Lane: Yeah, I tried to use an accent like that once, but it didn’t work. The girl I was talking called an ambulance because she thought I was having a stroke.

Brendon: I remember that.

Julian: It’s not for everyone.

Brendon: Ah, c’mon, man, I bet it doesn’t work with ALL the girls… Hey–JANET? Jan, can you come over here?

Janet: [appears at table] Y’all need another round?

Brendon: [into Julian’s ear] Ask her if she’ll do karaoke with you.

Julian: [heavily accented] Ah, yes, would you perhaps like to sing, ah, karaoke–

Janet: Okay! [exits]

Julian: And, voila.

Brendon: [embarrassed] Yeah, well, that didn’t work out the way I thought. [laughs nervously]

Lane: [pats Brendon’s shoulder] You know what, buddy?

Brendon: What’s that?

Lane: You brought that on yourself.

Brendon: That’s not encouraging.

Lane: Play with fire, you’re gonna get burned.

Brendon: Okay, thanks. Um…

[theme song starts up]

Julian: [suddenly in a Missouri accent] What can I say, boys? I rest my case. See ya on the fling floor! [exits]

Brendon: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Well, hey, that’s the end of our show. Join us next week, we’ll be broadcasting from Crazy G’s Paintball Ranch!

Lane: Yeah, they’re letting us take over an entire paintball park. That’s pretty much like the end-all, be-all cream dream if you ask me.

[SUPERIMPOSE “JOPLIN: ALIVE podcast.”]

Brendon: Yeah, thanks for listening to “Joplin: Alive.” Good night!

[CUT to a graphic which reads, “A WONTON AND FRANKZILLA PRODUCTION.” The display shows a drawing of Buddha on the left and one of Godzilla on the right, with a chain around Godzilla’s neck and the letter “F” hanging from it, and a lightning bolt in between them. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 7

05g: Dane Cook / James Blunt

Monday Morning Assembly

Peter Halpern…..Chris Parnell
Louise LaLaire…..Amy Poehler
Jonathan Pelt Madison…..Dane Cook
Kip Christopher…..Seth Meyers
Rufus Smalls…..Kenan Thompson
Grace Chung…..Rachel Dratch
“Mrs. Lembo”…..Kiristen Wiig
Smovement Dancer…..Will Forte
Smovement Dancer…..Bill Heder
Smovement Dancer…..Andy Samberg
Smovement Dancer…..Finesse Mitchell
Anton Regal…..Fred Armisen

[open on exterior of school with sign: “West Bedford High School”]

[dissolve to interior auditorium]

Peter: Good morning, students of West Bedford High School. Welcome to Monday morning assembly. I am, of course, Peter Halpern, the head of the drama department. I would like to thank Principal Haley for asking the drama club to read the morning announcements. But as this is the drama club, we do not read the morning announcements. We perform them! So, without further ado, let me introduce seniors Louise LaLaire, Jonathan Pelt Madison, and Kip Chrisopher.

[Louise, Jonathan, and Kip enter stage left]

Louise: There’s a lot going on at West Bedford this week, so open your ears.

Jonathan: And your minds.

Kip: First announcement.

[the lights go down, and the students position three chairs to face each other before sitting]

[Kip gulps down a beer while the others mime eating]

Kip: When are you going to do something with your life?

Jonathan: Leave me alone, Dad! You’re drunk!

Louise: Don’t yell at your father.

[Louise stands and goes behind Kip while Jonathan stands opposite them]

Jonathan: You don’t think that I miss Tommy? He was my only brother!

Louise: Let’s not fight at Christmas. [she stands between them]

Kip: I wish you were the son that had fallen off that raft!

Jonathan: What do I have to do to make you proud?! [puts his hands to Kip’s chest, plaintively]

Kip: Be a man and go to the [faces audience] job fair in the library this Tuesday to Thursday, periods E to G.

[all three bow]

Jonathan: Thank you. That was called “Job Fair,” a one-act about the upcoming job fair.

Louise: Now, with this week’s cafeteria menu, Rufus Smalls and Grace Chung.

[dissolve to stage right, where Rufus stands in a jacket while Grace is seated with a cello]

[Grace plays throughout]

Rufus: For beautiful, for spacious skies. / For government lies and pecan pies. / For tater tots and salisbury steak. / For lunch in the United States of Fake. / George Bush preaches empty speeches. / Peaches. / Chicken McNuggets, mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm. / And also green salad, / diced pears, / applesauce, / and individuals pizzas. / One love. [peace sign]

[dissolve to center stage with Louise with a spotlight on her face, and Jonathan and Kip facing away]

Louise: They picked a cheerleading squad. Where is my name? Why can’t I find my name?! [holds her hands up beside her face]

[Jonathan and Kip turn forwards and are holding grotesque masks to their faces]

Jonathan and Kip: Your name isn’t there!

Louise: No! [pulls her hands down to her neck]

Jonathan and Kip: You are not worthy of the squad!

Louise: Stop it! [crosses her wrists in front of her]

Jonathan and Kip: We cast you out!

Louise: Nooooo!!!!! [extends her hands before her, as if to hold something away]

Jonathan and Kip: Congratulations to Becky Abbot.

Louise: Oh! [clutches head]

Jonathan and Kip: Stacy Daniels.

Louise: Oh! [clutches other side of head]

Jonathan and Kip: Maureen Hearst!

Louise: Why?! [clutches at neck]

[lights come up]

Louise: Thank you. [all three bow] That was “Exclusion,” a meditation on the cheerleading tryouts in the style of Euripides.

Jonathan: Many of you know that Mrs. Lembo recently broke her hip falling on the third floor hallway. If you want to send flowers, she’s at Mercy Hospital

Kip: And if you want to see a reenactment of her fall, look no further than West Bedford’s own interpretive dance team, Smovement.

[dissolve to stage right, with four dancing forming two rows on either side of a performer portraying Mrs. Lembo]

“Mrs Lembo”: What a perfect day. Two healthy hips. [she steps between the rows of dancers, and piano music starts in a minor key] Oh, no! [she wavers to the left and then the right, twice] Why are these hallways so slippery? [the dancers wave their arms in front of her] Can’t keep my footing. [pirouettes and falls backwards into the dancers’ arms] No! I’m falling! [the dancers lift her straight up and then moan as they lower her to the ground] Anything but my hip!

Smovement Dancers: And CRACK!!!

[“Mrs. Lembo” wrenches her body as a red light shines on the group]

[the dancers leave “Mrs. Lembo” alone on the stage]

“Mrs Lembo”: Mrs. Edwards will be covering my classes.

[dissolve to center stage, dark, with Louise and Jonathan who is wearing a crown]

[Kip appears behind them, dressed as a court jester]

Kip: Your Majesty, you would applaud with rosy-cheeked countenance while so many go hungry?

Jonathan: Do not be coy, sir. You speak to the King.

Kip: The holiday season dawns and peasants starve, yet you sit in your palace throne and laugh.

Jonathan: And what is your solution?

Kip: Participate in the West Bedford holiday can drive.

Louise: What?! [The lights come up and all three bow] Thank you. That was “Can Drive.” Don’t forget to bring in your cans, everybody.

Jonathan: And now, three time winner of the West Bedford one-man show award, Anton Regal performs “Gossip.”

Anton: [puts his hand to his mouth, as if to amplify it] “Hey, did you hear the new gossip?!” [lowers his hand] Everyone was talking about Kelly and Matt, West Bedford’s golden couple. [hand to mouth] “Did you hear about Kelly and Matt?” “What?” [lowers hand] “Don’t tell me you didn’t hear!” You see, they were our Brad and Jennifer. “They broke up!” “No!” “I don’t believe it!” They represented our youth, our idea of perfection. [scoffs] What do we know. We’re just kids. “Hey, did you hear? They got back together!” “All right!” You know, when I heard that, I smiled to myself. I was going to get to be a kid again. At least for another day. [turns and walks away]

[dissolve to stage right, with Kip and the shot moving to center stage as the lights come up]

Kip: Thank you, everyone! Thank you! Come on out, everybody!

[all other performers come to the stage]

Louise: This has been Monday morning announcements, everyone. [catches roses that are thrown from the audience] Oh, thank you!

Jonathan: And don’t forget, the “Vagina Monologues” auditions are open to men and women.

[performers bow]

[fade to black]

Submtited by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts