Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Goodnights

…..Jason Lee

Jason Lee: Thanks to Foo Fighters! And the entire cast – they were awesome, it’s been a great week. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrel Hammond
Scott McClellan…..Jason Sudeikis
Nancy Pelosi…..Amy Poehler
Zell Miller…..Will Forte

[ opening graphics for “Hardball” ]

[ dissolve to Chris Matthews leaning into his desk ]

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball,” I’m Chris Matthews. President Bush just wrapped up a tour of South America, or, as he calls it, “the world’s dirtiest Taco Bell.”

[ tag: “Republicans In Turmoil” ]

He then comes home to a whole slew of scandals. And you have to admit, the Republican party has its hands full. Between the CIA leak, the secret eastern European torture prisons and the recent election defeats in Virginia and New Jersey, I haven’t seen a party in this much disarray since the capsizing of Tara Reid’s 30th birthday Booze Cruise. Is the honeymoon over for the GOP, or will the Democrats find a way to screw the pooch this time, as well? Joining us is White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. Scott, how you doing?

[ tag: “Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary” ]

Scott McClellan: [ nervous, disjointed ] I’m doing fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? You know, what are you trying to say?

Chris Matthews: I’ve got to say, Secretary McClellan, I have been watching your press conference, and you look as lost as a dyslexic kid at a spelling bee. This week, Vice President Cheney has been campaigning to exempt the CIA from certain Geneva convention rules regarding the interrogation of prisoners. Is this the administration’s way of passively endorsing torture or what?

Scott McClellan: [ furiously wiping his brow the entire time he speaks ] Chris, I can’t comment on our ongoing efforts to protect the American people, as they are ongoing. Likewise, we can’t comment on efforts that were, at one time, ongoing and have now ceased to be ongoing. Or efforts that are ongoing that will stop being ongoing. Then at a later date will continue to be ongoing. It’s just something I can’t comment on. Is that it? Am I done? Can I go? [ starts to get up to leave ]

Chris Matthews: Good gravy. You’re about as sweaty as the bicycle seat in Caroline Rhea’s spin class. How about Scooter Libby? Will the President issue him a pardon, or what?

Scott McClellan: Look, this is an ongoing investigation, and, as such, I will not comment or speculate as to what the President may or may not do!

Chris Matthews: So that’s a no?

Scott McClellan: I cannot comment. Ongoing.

Chris Matthews: So that’s a yes?

Scott McClellan: Ongoing.

Chris Matthews: Is there anything you can comment on?

Scott McClellan: Of course, Chris, of course. I can’t comment on things that are nongoing or never have gone or things that won’t go. [ ] Is there air conditioning I can turn on here somewhere?

Chris Matthews: Good lord, McClellan, I haven’t seen fluid shoot out of a guy like that since I took a boat ride with the Minnesota Vikings. [ audience applauds wildly ] As Republicans dig themselves deeper and deeper into a political hole, one question remains – what are the Democrats planning to do in order to blow it? Here to offer her two cents is House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi.

[ tag: “Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader” ]

Nancy Pelosi: It’s nice to be here.

Chris Matthews: Nah, it’s not. Miss Pelosi, the Bush administration is in turmoil, top Republican leaders are under indictment, and the Vice President’s top priority seems to be getting the go-ahead to attach a car battery to a man’s nipples. Yet, despite all this, the Democrats have stayed relatively quiet. What are the Democrats proposing to counteract all this corruption?

Nancy Pelosi: That’s easy, Chris. We’re going to do nothing.

Chris Matthews: You’re going to do nothing?

Nancy Pelosi: That’s right. And here’s why. We’ve learned that whenever we do anything, people hate us. In fact, our studies have shown that John Kerry would have won in a landslide if he just never said or did anything, ever.

Chris Matthews: I gotta say, I like your style.

Nancy Pelosi: It’s not like we still don’t have ideas, Chris, we do. It’s just that when we have something to say, we record it on tape, put those tapes in a box and we put that box in the garbage. It’s really working for us.

Chris Matthews: Joining us now to provide a historical perspective on the issue of torture is former Senator and current danger to himself, Zell Miller. Go!

[ tag: “Zell Miller, Former Senator/Fox News Correspondent ]

Zell Miller: [ screaming ] Torture! Ahhh, fooie! Where I come from, if we wanted to get a man to talk, we had our waaaays! And I ain’t gonna say what them ways was, but suffice it to say, that nearly all of them involve blacksmithing tools and the genitals. I got neeews for you, Matthewwws! If it wasn’t for doing weird stuff to a man’s genitals, we’d all be speaking Korean right now!

Chris Matthews: You’ve done it again. Final thoughts, Horshack!

Scott McClellan: [ confused ] Horshack? I don’t get it.

Chris Matthews: He was a Sweathog.

Scott McClellan: [ the lightbulb in his head clicks ] Oh, I get it. Nice. Nice.

Chris Matthews: Alright. Anything you care to not comment on?

Scott McClellan: [ wiping his brow ] Well, I’d rather not comment at this time, as time, as a very concept, is ongoing.

Chris Matthews: Nancy Pelosi, anything to add to McClellan’s no comment?

[ cut to Nancy, who mimes zipping her lip and grinning ]

Chris Matthews: Zell Miller, don’t let me down.

Zell Miller: You put me in a roooom with an Al-Quaidaaa, a pair of pliers and a sack full of doorknobs, and I’ll get you what you need! I have ways of making a man talk, Matthews! And one of them is: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday night!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

JJ Casuals

Jack Johnson…..Andy Samburg
Maitre’d…..Bill Hader
Husband…..Will Forte
Wife…..Rachel Dratch

Jack Johnson: Hi! I’m mellow pop-folk singer Jack Johnson. I like to keep it super casual. That’s why I always go barefoot. But sometimes there are places you can’t go without shoes.

[ cut to Husband and Wife at restaurant ]

Husband: Table for two, please.

[ Maitre’D looks down and sees barefeet ]

Maitre’D: I’m sorry, sir…we can not serve you without shoes.

[ Husband looks at wife looking suprised ]

[ cut back to Jack Johnson ]

Jack Johnson: That’s why I invented a new kind of shoe for the laid back lifestyle. [ he holds up a pair of JJ Casuals ] JJ Casuals.

[ sings ]

“Keep it casual, whatever.
Keep it natural, with shoes that look like feet.
Things get hectic but don’t sweat it
Keep it JJ Casuals.
Mmm mmm, do you like to keep it mellow?
Can you dig it?
Shoes that look like feet.”

[ Husband and Wife go back to restaurant ]

Maitre’D: I’ve told you, we cannot serve you without shoes.

Wife: But he is wearing shoes.

[ Maitre’D looks down ]

Maitre’D: Oh, JJ Casuals. My apologies, sir. Right this way.

Jack Johnson V/O: [ sings ]
“JJ Casuals.
Shoes that look like feet.”

Submitted by: Charlie

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Good Morning Meth!

Chorus…..Amy Poehler, Will Forte
Ronald…..Jason Lee
Patti…..Any Poehler
Renell Williams…..Kenan Thompson
Keith…..Will Forte
JJ…..Bill Hader
Shirtless guy…..Jason Sudeikis

[Fade up on a shack in the middle of a dirt road. As the “Good MorningMeth” logo fades in, the theme song plays]

Chorus: It’s sweeping the nation!
It’s sweeping the nation!
From Eulenberg County to the Great Northwest,
Everybody’s doing that crystal meth!

[Dissolve to the living room, as Ronald, seated on a couch, is shakingin all directions. Regardless, he still has a wide smile as headdresses the camera]

Ronald: [quickly] Hey everybody! Welcome back to “Good MorningMeth,” the only talk show dedicated to crystal meth and the methlifestyle. Used to be a morning show, then it turned into amorning-and-afternoon show, then it turned into amorning-afternoon-and-evening show! Now we just leave the cameras onall the time, ‘cause we don’t sleep, y’all!

Patti: [offscreen] Introduce me!

Ronald: Uh, I want to introduce my cohost—

Patti: Whoo!

[Shot widens to include Patti, whose bare feet rest comfortably on thetable in front of her. A shirtless guy is hunched over the corner ofthe couch, next to her, and he doesn’t move]

Ronald: She- she’s my girlfriend, the mother of my kids, and acouple other kids, and she also enjoys crank. Please welcome Patti!

Patti: [suddenly speaking in a cheery morning-show voice]Heeyyyyy! Good morning! [rubs her hands on her shirt]

Ronald: Over the last four years, we’ve met people from all walksof life, uh, who enjoy grinding up asthma medicine, boiling it inkerosene and ingesting it.

Patti: I enjoy it because it makes me feel positive, confident,and sexy! [Patti has several burn marks on her face, and hercrooked teeth force her to speak with a lisp]

Ronald: Our next guest does it for gay reasons. Please welcomeRenell Williams!

Patti: Whoo!

[Ronald stands, and as Renell enters, both shake each other vigorously. Meanwhile, Patti stands up, turns around in a circle, and sits backdown again]

Renell Williams: I can’t stay long, you guys. I have a friend inthe car, and he needs to get to the emergency room.

Ronald: Who doesn’t, Renell? So, why do you enjoy ice?

Renell Williams: Well, meth helps me with my social anxietydisorder. You see, when I’m on meth, I can do sex with people that if Iwere not on meth I would never do it with because they aredisgusting.

Patti: I use it to help control my weight problem. I mean, lookat me six months ago!

[Cut to a photo of Patti from six months ago. She looks just fine]

Ugh, disgusting!

Ronald: And I take it to unwind before a long day of school busdriving.

Patti: Whoo!

Renell Williams: You know, actually, I am in the process ofquitting, ‘cause I don’t wanna lose my teeth, because people have alwaystold me that my teeth are my strong suit. [smiles to show four teethwith large gaps between them]

And also, sometimes when you’re tweakin,’ and you’re doin’ it withpeople, they try to kill you!

Ronald: Renell, that is just—that is just anti-meth propaganda. I’ve only seen that happen four or five times.

[Keith enters, running a loud vacuum cleaner behind the couch]

NOT NOW, KEITH!

Keith: THEN WHEN?

Ronald: NOT NOW, YOU CAN’T—

Keith: THEN WHEN??

Ronald: YOU CAN’T VACUUM RIGHT NOW!!

Patti: [screaming] DON’T VACUUM NOW, KEITH!! LATER!! LATER!!

[Keith drops the handle to the vacuum cleaner, but it continues to run. Patti firmly puts her hands over her ears]

Ronald: That’s Keith. He used to be an accountant, but now,thanks to meth, he can take a VCR apart in six minutes for no reason! He’s gonna be back later showin’ us how to take VCRs apart for noreason. Now it’s time for “In the Kitchen With Patti.”

Patti: Whoo!

[Patti jumps up and runs offscreen. Cut to the kitchen, asstereotypical 1950s homemaking music plays. JJ stands, motionless,smiling and pointing to several bottles in front of him. Patti crashesinto JJ. The vacuum cleaner can still be heard]

Hey! KEITH, NOT NOW WITH THE VACUUM!!

Keith: [offscreen] THEN WHEN??

Patti: NO!!! [The vacuum cleaner shuts off. Remembering thecamera’s on her, Patti speaks in a morning-show voice again] Hello. Ron- Ronald, I’m here with my friend JJ. He’s gonna show us someholiday meth pipes. How you doin’ today, JJ?

JJ: I rule this town, I rule!

[JJ and Patti laugh rapidly]

Patti: That is true, ‘cause until recently, JJ was the mayor…OK JJ, tell us what you got here. It all smells so good!

[As JJ speaks, Patti responds with a barrage of nonstop “Uh-huh”s]

JJ: Well I took some Pert Plus, sautéed it with some, uh,Sudafed, strained it through this adult diaper, and it comes out as apaste.

Patti: When’s it gonna be ready?

JJ: Approximately 48 hours!

Patti: OK, I’m gonna wait right here! Back to you, Ronald!

[Patti lets out a loud, happy sigh as she inhales the fumes. Cut backto the couch, as Ronald stares nervously into the camera]

Ronald: [whispering] I can’t talk right now because the shadowpeople are right behind the couch, and they’re tryin’ to find my address…

[Cut back to the kitchen. JJ and Patti are both clearly frightened, astheir lips quiver uncontrollably. Cut back to the couch]

Renell Williams: See now, this paranoia I will not miss. Iwill miss having four days of nonstop unprotected intercoursewith strangers at the Pentaround Parkway rest stop, OK?

[Renell grins again. Keith reenters with his vacuum cleaner]

Ronald: NOT NOW, KEITH!!

Keith: THEN WHEN??

Ronald: THE SHOW’S ON, YOU CAN’T VACUUM RIGHT NOW!!

Keith: THEN WHEN?? I GOTTA RUN THE VACUUM ON THAT RUG!!

[Ronald calms down]

Ronald: Coming up in the next nine hours, I’m gonna stabsomebody, and maybe we’ll find out who this guy is!

[He points to the shirtless guy. That guy suddenly jumps up, makesseveral karate chops, and runs out of the room. Cut to an outdoor shotof the shack, which suddenly explodes. The theme music plays again asthe show’s logo appears]

Ronald V/O: Uh-oh. This don’t look right.

[cheers and applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Jason Lee’s Monologue

…..Jason Lee

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jason Lee.

Jason Lee: Thank you very much! [ audience cheers ] Yes! Thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here tonight! A lot of you may know me from my new show: “My Name Is Earl.” [ audience cheers louder ] But what some of you may not know about me is that, before I set out to grow one of the most powerful moustaches in television history, I was actually a professional skateboarder. Here, take a look.

[ cut to video clips, which open on a close-up of a clean-shaven Jason Lee, then rapidly cut to him performing various skateboarding tricks ]

Jason Lee V/O: See, that’s me, back in the day, in the classic skate video, “1991’s Video Days.”

[ audience applauds as the video dissolves back to Jason Lee at Home Base ]

Jason Lee: Thank you. When I got here, I thought, “What better way to get to know the guys than to take them out skateboarding.” They were really enthusiastic, and it was a lot of fun.

[ dissolve to the video of the day’s excursion, Jason already performing some skateboarding tricks on various high ramps ]

Jason Lee V/O: There I am at Riverside Skate Park, right here in New York City.

[ cut to Jason looking up at Fred Armisen, posed atop the skateboarding ramp ]

Jason Lee V/O: Okay, first up was Fred. I offered to give him pointers, but he didn’t want them.

[ Fred glides down the ramp. Cut to reveal his mangled body lying flat on the ground. ]

Jason Lee V/O: I didn’t know arms could bend that way.

[ cut to Andy Samberg posed before a metal bar separating two ramps ]

Jason Lee V/O: There’s my man, Andy Samberg, the new guy. Promising young kid.

[ Andy jumps his skateboard into the air, then lands on his crotch on a metal bar by the steps ]

Jason Lee V/O: He almost had it.

[ cut to Kenan Thompson gliding across the concrete on his skateboard ]

Jason Lee V/O: Here we have Kenan. He was such a good sport.

[ Kenan rolls his skateboard through a brick wall covered in grafitti. Finesse Mitchell reacts by removing his helmet and walking away from the action. ]

Jason Lee V/O: Weirdly, after that, Finesse wasn’t so into skateboarding.

[ cut to Horatio Sanz standing next to Jason in front of a huge skateboarding ramp ]

Jason Lee V/O: Horatio Sanz. Most people think a big guy like that can’t be a good skater.

[ Horatio glides toward the ramp, then quick cuts of his body falling back and the skateboard flying through the air ]

[ Horatio steps back to Jason, with the skateboard pierced from his back to his stomach ]

Jason Lee V/O: Well, they might be right.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels approaching Jason ]

Jason Lee V/O: Believe it or not, even Lorne showed up. He said he used to skate pools in the ’70s. So I asked if he wanted to give it a shot.

[ Lorne appears relunctant at first, then coolly accepts the skateboard from Jason’s hands ]

[ naturally, Lorne can skate circles around his cast, performing jumps across ramps and spinning through mid-air with powerful precision ]

[ cut to Lorne casually returning the skateboard to Jason ]

Jason Lee V/O: He was pretty good.

[ dissolve back to Jason Lee at Home Base ]

Jason Lee: Well, we had a great time skating, and we’re going to have even more fun tonight. Foo Fighters are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Foo Fighters perform “DOA”

…..Jason Lee
…..Foo Fighters

Jason Lee: Ladies and gentlemen – Foo Fighters.

Foo Fighters:
“Oh, you know I did it
It’s over and I feel fine
Nothing you could say is gonna change my mind
Waiting and I wait at the longest night
Nothing like the taste to sweet decline.

I was down, I fell, I fell so fast
Dropping like the grains in an hourglass
Never say forever ’cause nothing lasts
Dancing with the bones of my buried past.

Never mind, there’s nothing I can do
Bet your life there’s something killing you.

It’s a shame we have to die, my dear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

What a way to go, they have no fear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

Finished, I’m getting you off my chest
Made you come clean in a dirty dress
A promise is a promise you kept in check
Heart across a heart that beats its best.

Take a good hard look for the very last time
The very last one in a very long line
Only took a second to say goodbye
Been a pleasure but the pleasure’s been mine
All mine.

Never mind, there’s nothing I can do
Bet your life there’s something killing you.

It’s a shame we have to disappear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

What a way to go, they have no fear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time, Oh, yeah!

Ain’t no way, DOA
Ain’t no way, DOA.

Take a good hard look for the very last time
The very last one in a very long line
Only took a second to say goodbye
Been a pleasure but the pleasure’s been mine
All mine.

Never mind, there’s nothing I can do
Bet your life there’s something killing you.

It’s a shame we have to disappear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

What a way to go, they have no fear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time.

It’s a shame we have to disappear
No one’s getting out of here, alive
This time
This time
This time
Oh, yeahhh!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Foo Fighters perform “Best of You”

…..Jason Lee
…..Foo Fighters

Jason Lee: Once again – Foo Fighters.

Foo Fighters:
“I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you.

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh…

[ break ]

Oh.. oh.. oh.. oh..

Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession, my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new.

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Ohhh!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

I Love Pie

Ted…..Jason Lee
Brad…..Will Forte
Phil Brook…..Kenan Thompson
Lisa…..Rachel Dratch
Cheryl…..Amy Poehler
Bill…..Bill Hader
Fred…..Fred Armisen

[ open on employees sitting at two different tables in the office lunch room ]

Ted: I’m gonna need to really up my numbers this month to stay on Phil Brook’s good side. [ glances at the man sitting next to him, who smirks back ]

Brad: I didn’t know Phil Brook had a good side.

Phil Brook: [ chuckles along with Brad ] Oh, you know what, Brad, Ted? If you guys could remember to get your feedback slips into Human Resources by Friday, I’d really appreciate it.

Lisa: Hey, I’m gonna go check on the dessert table – anyone want anything?

Ted: No, but tell us what they have, Lisa.

[ Lisa exits towards the back of the room ]

Cheryl: [ leans over from the next table ] Hey, Brad? Could you be sure to order me another stapler? I really need it to staple my papers together.

Brad: [ smiles ] I’m on the case, Cheryl.

[ Lisa re-enters, her face beaming with excitement ]

Ted: Well, what’d they have?

[ Lisa break into a song, as the lunch room lights dim and a colorful pastel of lights pots up in its place ]

Lisa:
“There were brownies and sweets, of all shapes and sizes
And cookies, as big as your head!
There were tubs of ice cream, and many surprises
And even some cream pie for Ted!”

Ted: [ singing ] “I love pi-i-i-i-i-eeee!”

Lisa:
“There was butt-er-scotch pudding, with a touch of whipped cream
And strawberry shortcake –“

Brad: It sounds like a dream!

Lisa:
“And the cake. Oh, the ca-a-a-a-ake
Gather ’round, for the cake.”

[ Cheryl and Bill join the circle of co-workers at the main table ]

Lisa: “There was chocolate cream layer, and coconut, too –“

Bill: “Were there kosher cakes, also, if I were a Jew?”

Lisa: “Lemon, banana, and chocolate eclair!”

Cheryl: “The talk of des-sert. Makes me. Ting-le. Down. Therrrrrrrre!!”

[ Bill gives her an odd look ]

Cheryl: In my stomach! [ swats Bill for thinking such impure thoughts ] God.

Lisa:
“There were candy apples, so sticky and sweet
Blueberry crumble, and Rice Krispie treats!”

[ Fred joins the group ]

Fred: “Was there App-le Brown Bet-ty?”

Lisa: “I don’t know what that is!”

Phil Brook: Was there rasp-ber-ry streu-del, like when. I. Was. A. Ki-i-i-i-i-idddd? [ dramatic rest ]

Cheryl: “Was there tiramisu, or sweet creme brulee?”

Bill: “Or passion fruit pineapple-mango sorbet!”

Ted:
“And was there flaaaan? [ stands ]
Oh, was there flaaaan? [ takes Lisa’s hands ]
Was there sweet and creamy, slippery, dreamy flaaaan?”

Lisa: “Yes, Ted. There. Was –“

Together: “Flaaaaaaannnnn.”

[ one by one, everyone props their foot on their chair ]

Brad: “Could this really be true?”

Phil Brook: “Am I feeling this joy?”

Ted: “I haven’t felt like this, since I was a boy.”

Cheryl, Brad, Fred: “My life just got better, I’m no longer blue!”

All: “Oh Lisa, oh Lisa, is all of it true?”

[ everyone stands fully on their chairs, with trays raised to the sky ]

All: “?? some pies, and a layer cake, tooooooooo??!!”

[ dramatic pause ]

Lisa: No, you dumbasses! It’s oatmeal cookies and fruit cocktail, same as every day! [ blows them all a raspberry, then sits and leafs through a magazine ]

[ the dull lunch room lights pot back up, as everyone sullenly takes their seat at the table ]

All: [ droning lower and lower ] “Brown-ies and sweets.. of all shapes and size-es..”

Fred: Well. At least we can look out at that.. nice tree out there.

[ they all look outside the window, as a chain saw roars and the tree comes crashing down ]

[ defeated, everyone slumps in their seats ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

Stashin’

Douglas Firth…..Seth Meyers
Deb Porter…..Rachel Dratch
Richard Hard…..Jason Lee
Gary Packer…..Chris Parnell
Clint Haverwood…..Fred Armisen
Vincent Vanderbone…..Bill Hader
Tony “The Wiener” McNamara…..Will Forte
Buford McNulty…..Horatio Sanz
Grandson 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Grandson 2…..Andy Sandberg

(Whistling theme music, display of photos with famouspeople and their moustaches: Burt Reynolds, Hulk Hogan,John Waters, The Mario Bros. Mario and Luigi, RobReiner, Steve Harvey, Yanni. Show´s logo: “‘Stachin'”, bighandlebar underneath. Host sits with his guests,various kinds of moustaches hang from the walls.Douglas is in a suit and tie, has big curly moustache)

Douglas Firth: Welcome to ‘Stachin’. The show thatcelebrates America´s favorite facial hair, themoustache. I´m Douglas Firth and we got a great showfor you today. Let´s meet our panel. Adult film star,Richard Hard.

(Richard has loud, half bottomed Hawaiian shirt, perm, big moustache)

Richard Hard: Yo´.

Douglas Firth: Health club counter worker, Deb Porter.

(Deb has light but noticeable moustache)

Deb Porter: Thanks for having me.

Douglas Firth: And entrepreneur, Gary Packer.

(Gary has little Hitler-looking moustache)

Gary Packer: Good to be here.

Douglas Firth: Now Richard you are on a bit of a crusade. Tell us about it.

Richard Hard: Well, I noticed a disturbing trend inthe adult entertainment industry. (Caption: “RichardHard. Adult Film Star”) Of course, I´m talking about thealarming decrease of moustaches. In my day actors hadmoustaches and with those moustaches came class, dignityand nobility. I´m talking about men like ClintHaverwood (Photo of horny looking moustached Clint),Vincent Vanderbone (Photo of another moustached hornylooking actor), Tony “The Wiener” McNamara. (Photo ofTony in mid-orgasm, eyes rolled in the back of hishead). When you take the moustaches out of the pornmovies, all that´s left is sex. And let´s be honest,no one watches pornos for sex!People want moustaches,”WA-WA” guitar and scenes with pizza delivery men.That´s porno! That´s America!

Douglas Firth: Controversial stance. Now Deb, obviously you must feel pretty strongly about moustaches.

Deb Porter: What gave me away? (laughs) I guess I should explain why I´m here on ‘Stachin’. (Caption: “Deb Porter. Health Club Worker”) I just love a man with a moustache.

Douglas Firth: And when did you grow yours?

(Deb oblivious)

Deb Porter: Umm, I don´t know if I ever grew an affection for moustaches on men. I just think I was just born with it. (Giggles)

Douglas Firth: But what about your moustache?

Deb Porter: My own perfect moustache? Hmm, I love a man with a Magnum P.I.

Richard Hard: No, you have a moustache.

Deb Porter: A thing for moustaches? Guilty! (Laughs)

Richard Hard: (points) No, there´s a moustache on your face!

Deb Porter: Not now there isn´t but if you and I were smooching there would be! So lay it on me! (Leans towards Richard, Richard a little worried, curious look on Douglas)

Douglas Firth: Well, while we try to sort this out. Let´s hear a quick word from our sponsors.

(Cut to commercial. Commercial is of a moustached, grayhaired, grandpa-looking man in his mom and pop shop)

Buford McNulty: Some things never go out of style. Theway a pie tastes when it comes out of the oven. Yourold dog Red barking to come inside. The ticklishcomfort of a good old fashioned moustache ride. Hithere. I´m Buford McNulty. Here at McNaulty and Sonsmoustache ridery we´ve been offering moustache rides forover 50 years. Now 3 generations later not only have Igiven a lifetime of rides, I´m also lucky enough tohave my grandsons in the business as well. (Sleazylooking moustached guys join Buford) When we firstopened our doors moustaches rides were only 5 cents.There are a little more expensive now but it´s stillcheaper than taking the subway. So, come on downladies! There´s a seat waiting for you. (Grandsonsleave,music plays, the background turns into a graphicof the American flag waving, Buford sings) “Life´s awonderful journey with many twists and turns! Sowouldn´t you feel better, riding on amoustache!!” (Buford´s warm smile. Caption: “McNulty and Sons”)

Announcer: McNulty and Sons.

(Back to studio)

Douglas Firth: Welcome back. Now Gary, an interesting moustache choice.

Gary Packer: Ah, it´s not really a choice.

Douglas Firth: Care to elaborate.

Gary Packer: Umm, well I´ve always been a moustacheman. (Caption: “Gary Packer. Entrepreneur”) Up until a fewyears ago I had a healthy handlebar. Sadly, I wascaught in a fire. The flames burned away on mymoustache from both ends and cruelly, the skin beneathwill no longer grow hair.

Douglas Firth: So you´re left with what we see now.

Gary Packer: Yes. And I know that a lot of people incorrectly feel that it is making some sort of a political statement. Well, let me say this, the only statement I am making or have ever made is that I love moustaches.

Douglas Firth: Well, we at “‘Stachin'” applaud your courage.

Richard Hard: Right on bro´. You´re my hero.

Douglas Firth: If you don´t mind me asking. How did you get caught in a fire?

Gary Packer: I was burning down a synagogue.

(Awkward pause)

Douglas Firth: We should move on.

Richard Hard: That´s a killer ‘stash you got there, Douglas. How did you get it so curly?

Douglas Firth: Well, after years of failures and disappointment in growing a moustache naturally, I had a grafting surgery that took hair from one part of my body and move it to my lip.

Richard Hard: What part?

Douglas Firth: I’d rather not say. Join us next week when my guests will be NFL coaches Bill Cowher, Andy Reid and Jeff Fisher. Thank You.

(Show’s whistling theme music plays. Caption: “‘Stachin’.”Another display of famous moustached guys: Sam Elliot,Steve Harvey, one dude from Dukes of Hazzard, Yanni)

(cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5

05e: Jason Lee / Foo Fighters

American Taser

Representative #1…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Jason Sudeikis
Representative #2…..Darrell Hammond
Representative #3…..Seth Meyers
Female Consumer…..Amy Poehler
Housewife…..Rachel Dratch
Husband…..Will Forte
Black Man #1…..Kenan Thompson
Striker…..Bill Hader
Black Man #2…..Finesse Mitchell
Nerd…..Andy Samberg
American Taser President…..Jason Lee

[ open on American Taser representative standing in front of an American Taser banner ]

Representative #1: We live in an uncertain and dangerous world. Protecting yourself is priority number one. That’s why we at American Taser have invented the Advanced Stunner X-47. Light-weight, but with enough electrical force to stop attackers in their tracks. Previously only available to law enforcement professionals, the X-47 can now be bought directly from American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #1’s chestplate. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a police officer, steps into frame. ]

Police Officer: Nice try. But your safety is no joke. Hello, I’m Officer Kenny Banks of the Galveston Police Department. The X-47 stun gun from American Taser is not available to the public, despite what that man just said. By law, this model can only be operated by trained professionals.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Police Officer’s arm. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #2, steps into frame. ]

Representative #2: That’s why we over here at American Taser now offer up this model, the Thunderbolt – all the same power as the X-47, but completely legal to the public.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Representative #2’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Representative #3, steps into frame. ]

Representative #3: Sure, it’s legal, but do you really need all that power? What If you just need a few volts to knock a problem on its ass? And by “problem,” I mean “lady”; and by “ass,” I mean “ass.” The Electric Prowler 400 from American Taser gives new meaning to the words “Amorous Conquest.” I think you know what I’m talking about.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Representative #3’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, a female consumer, steps into frame. ]

Female Consumer: What he’s talking about is sexual assault. American Taser recognizes the problem women face in today’s world, and that’s why there’s the Pink Pulse. Just because I run my own business, it doesn’t mean I’m immune to attackers.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against Female Consumer’s arm ]

Female Consumer: [ as she runs off screen to stage right, stunned ] Whhhyy??!

[ The culprit, a housewife, steps into frame. ]

Housewife: What was that “I own my own business” line? Some people drive me nuts. Gosh, it’s great to know I can take them down if I need to. Thanks, American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against the side of housewife’s stomach. She drops to the ground as the culprit, her husband, steps into frame. ]

Husband: My wife. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just get her to shut up? Now I can. The Domesticator from American Taser. She’ll think twice before she opens her stupid pie hole.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the husband’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #1, steps into frame. ]

Black Man #1: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Well, good thing I have the new Quick Zap from American Taser – with three settings, including a safety trigger release, it’s simply the safest stun gun on the market.

[ an arm reaches in from stage right and zaps a taser against Black Man #1’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, the Striker, steps into frame. ]

Striker: Is that man a criminal? We-e-e-ell, he sure looked like one. But how would you know? When you have to make split-second decisions that could mean the difference between life or death, you need the Pre-emptive Striker from American Taser.

[ an arm reaches in from stage left and zaps a taser against the Striker’s shoulder. He drops to the ground as the culprit, Black Man #2, steps into frame. ]

Black Man #2: It’s unfortunate, but racial profiling is a very real factor in our society. If you’re a black man in today’s world, the best defense is a good offense. That’s why I never leave home without my —

[ a nerd jumps in from stage right and zaps a taser shaded like the Enterprise against Black Man #2’s shoulder ]

Black Man #2: [ as he drops to the ground ] Aaahhh! Mama!

Nerd: [ with a lisp ] Set phaser to “Stun”! Super cool “Star Trek” model stun gun lets you be the coolest guy in town! Thanks, American Taser.

[ American Taser President ambles in from stage left and zaps his taser against the Nerd’s shoulder, who promptly screams and drops to the ground ]

American Taser President: No, thank you, loyal customers. For 15 years, we at American Taser have led the way in electronic protection. With twelve different models to choose from, you’re sure to find a favorite that fits your style perfectly. My own favorite – you guessed it – the Boomerang 8000.

[ he points the taser against his stomach, zaps the volts into his body, and drops to the ground ]

[ cut to American Taser graphic ]

Announcer: For all your taser needs, American Taser. Don’t let them get the drop on you. [ electric shock sound effect ] All right, that’s not cool.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts