Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 12th, 2005

Jason Lee

Foo Fighters

None

Lorne Michaels

Hardball
Summary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) the Republican Party's disarray with White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan (Jason Sudeikis), House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Amy Poehler) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Nancy Pelosi, Zell Miller.

Transcript


Montage
Note: Maya Rudolph is credited even though she's absent from the episode for maternity leave.

Note: Kristin Wiig joins the show as a featured performer.


Jason Lee's Monologue
Summary: Jason Lee shows a video of his skateboarding excursion with the male cast members and Lorne Michaels.

Bio: Jason Lee (1970-). Actor; former professional skateboarder; made regular appearances in Kevin Smith films; current star of "My Name Is Earl" on NBC.

Transcript


J.J. Casuals
Summary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) promotes shoes shaped like feet, for the casual person who prefers to walk around barefoot.

Note: This ad parody finally airs after being cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

Transcript


Good Morning Meth!
Summary: Meth users (Jason Lee, Amy Poehler) host a 24/7 talk show while freaked out.

Transcript


The Falconer
Summary: A land developer (Jason Lee) makes an indecent proposal to Donald the Falcon -- one night of passion for a million dollars so Falconer Ken Mortimer (Will Forte) can continue to co-exist in the forest.

Recurring Characters: Ken Mortimer.

Note: Jason Lee accidentally calls Will Forte "dickhead" instead of "dickweed," then mutters "Shit" before correcting himself. Forte ad-libs that he is neither a dickweed or a dickhead.


Thomas & Dobbins
Summary: Thomas & Dobbins broker (Finesse Mitchell) offers investment advice for society's less-than-rich consumers.

Transcript


The Soaking Wet Killer
Summary: A couple (Jason Sudeikis, Kristin Wiis) who seem unaware that they've picked up the Soaking Wet Killer (Jason Lee) on the road, give him carte blanche to break into their home and kill their niece while they're away.

Transcript


Refurbishments
Summary: Home repair expert Tyler Presley (Jason Lee) shows hosts Mitch (Chris Parnell) and Gail (Rachel Dratch) the fine art involved in working the caulk.

Transcript


Foo Fighters perform "DOA"
First Performed: 95g.

Lyrics


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Via satellite, the French Minister of the Interior (Fred Armisen) surrenders. Donovan McNabb (Finesse Mitchell) and his mother, Wilma (Kenan Thompson), discuss the Terrell Owens controversy. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler use Barbie dolls to re-enact the Carolina Panthers cheerleader scandal. 18-year old Michael Sessions (Andy Samberg) discusses the new laws he'll put into effect as the recently-elected Mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan.

Recurring Characters: Donovan McNabb, Wilma McNabb.


Butt Pregnancy
Summary: Guests are taken for a surprise all their own when they discover that the expectant mother (Amy Poehler) is having a butt pregnancy.

Note: This sketch was replaced with the dress rehearsal sketch "I Love Pie" when the episode reran on 07/22/06.

Transcript


'Stachin'
Summary: A panel discussion of the moustache-wearing lifestyle, segued by sponsorship from McNulty (Horatio Sanz) & Sons' moustache rides.

Transcript


Foo Fighters perform "Best of You"
Lyrics


American Taser
Summary: At American Taser, there's a taser for everyone and every occasion.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Reunion
Summary: At a class reunion, man (Jason Lee) discovers he's the only one of his peers who didn't end up landing a great job.


I Love Pie
Summary: During lunch at the office cafeteria, Lisa (Rachel Dratch) checks to see what's available for dessert, then sarcastically leads her co-workers in a song of celebration for the many goodies that might await them.

Note: This sketch aired in place of "Butt Pregnancy" when the episode reran on 07/22/06.

Transcript


TRL
Summary: Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) objects when Kevin Federline (Jason Lee) comes on the show to promote his new single.

Recurring Characters: Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.


The Heist
Summary: Criminal agent (Horatio Sanz) can't seem to unlock a door during a heist.


Midnight Magic
Summary: Prisoner Gary White (Kenan Thompson) hosts a talk show with his parole officer (Jason Lee).



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