Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

El Cantador Mexican Restaurant

Denise…..Amy Poehler
David…..Seth Meyers
Ted…..Nick Lachey
Celia…..Jessica Simpson
Manager…..Horatio Sanz

[open on interior of restaurant with neon cactus on wall]

[Denise and David are seated at a table reading menus while Ted, a waiter, stands between them]

Denise: Um, I’ll have the chicken enchiladas.

David: And I’ll have the tacos gigantes. [mispronounced as “ji-gantays”]

[Denise and David fold their menus and give them to Ted]

Ted: [finishes writing down orders] Super! I’ll have your drinks out in just a minute, and if you need anything else, my name is Ted.

David: [to Ted] Thank you, Ted. [Ted exits stage right] [to Denise] Denise, let me just start by saying how very, very sorry I am.

Denise: Well, you should be sorry. You betrayed my trust, and right now I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to get over it.

David: It was meaningless to me. She means nothing to me.

Denise: Well she means a lot to me. She’s my sister.

[Ted enters with drinks on a small tray]

[music starts]

Ted: [singing to the tune of “Escape”] If you like piña coladas [gives one to Denise] / And a Michelob Light [gives one to David] / And if you’re not into yoga / If you have half a brain / I’ll be right back with your entree / And then we’ll make our escape! [flourishes with empty tray and exits stage right] [music ends]

[David bops along merrily for the duration of the song]

Denise: What was that?

David: I think it was “The Piña Colada Song” by Rupert Holmes. Anyway, I’m sorry. It’s just, you were in the hospital taking care of your mother, and your sister looks so much like you. But I promise you, I will never, ever, sleep with someone in your family while you are visiting your mother in the hospital, ever again.

Denise: That is not a good apology, David!

David: Well. [shrugs and rolls eyes]

[Celia enters with two plates]

[music starts]

Celia: [singing to the tune of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”] Here’s your dinner / But don’t touch the plates ‘cos they’re hot / Here’s your chicken enchiladas [gives them to Denise] / And your tacos gigantes [gives them to David] / If you’ll only hold me tight / We’ll be holding on forever / I hope I got your orders right / Because we’ll never be wrong together. [flourishes with potholders and exits stage right] [music ends

Denise: What is going on here? Did you pick a restaurant with singing waiters to discuss our marriage?

David: You love Mexican food! Plus they had these two-for-one coupons. [holds up a coupon]

Denise: Oh, David, you haven’t changed.

[Ted and Celia enter]

[music plays]

Ted and Celia: [singing to the tune of “Reunited”] How’s you dinner? Does it taste so good? / [Celia only, gesturing towards David] You love tacos, that is understood. / [Ted only, gesturing towards Denise] There’s one perfect fit / [Celia only, gesturing towards Denise] And sugar, this one is it. / [they turn to each other and clasp hands and sing together] We both are so excited ‘cos we’re reunited, hey-ay-hey-ay-ay-ay.

Denise: Enough, already, thank you. Um, look, look, I don’t want to hear music, okay? My husband and I are trying to reconcile, and I’m just not in the mood for you food songs.

[manager enters]

[music starts]

Manager: [singing to the tune of “She Blinded Me With Science”] Do you have a problem? / I’m the shift manager. / She blinded me with science. / Boop boop boop / She blinded me…with science! [music ends]

Denise: Stop it! Stop it, okay? Look, I am not in the mood for music. You sound great, thank you, but this is not the right time.

Manager: [shouting] SCIENCE!

Denise: You idiot! Stop yelling, “science!”

Manager: Ma’am, I’m sorry if you’re not happy with your experience here. But you came to El Cantador. We serve two things: delicious Mexican cuisine, and the wonderful gift of music.

David: Honey, Señor Iglesias is right. You can’t really complain about singing when you go to a restaurant with singing waiters.

Denise: Shut up, David.

David: Okay, fine.

Ted: Listen, ma’am, I’m sorry if you don’t like our singing. But we have a dream.

Celia: That’s right. We may be serving tacos gigantes or chimichangas, but soon we will be singing on Broadway.

Manager: That’s right. You see, Ted and Celia here are two of my star students.

Denise: Students?

David: Oh.

Manager: Yeah. This isn’t only Omaha’s oldest Mexican restaurant. It’s also a school for the performing arts. Students pay for classes with me by waiting tables and helping me build condos on weekends. I love being surrounded by dreamers.

Denise: Oh, look, I’m sorry. I was just upset because I was having problems with my husband.

Celia: Well, maybe music can help.

[music starts]

[the rest of the dialogue is sung to the tune of “We are the World”]

Ted and Celia: There comes a time / When you need to sing a song

Manager: And a mexican restaurant is the perfect place to start.

Celia: There are people eating…

Ted: …huevos rancheros

[David extends his hand and Denise clasps it]

Celia: And some mothers eating burritos.

[Ted, Celia, and the manager hold their hands to their ears as if holding headphones]

Ted, Celia, and Manager: We are the world / We are the children / We are the ones who make a brighter day / So let’s start giving

Denise: I forgive my husband / for sleeping with my sister.

David: That’s good, because I slept with your best friend, too.

[Denise snatches her hand away from David and storms out of the restaurant]

Ted, Celia, and Manager: We are the world / We are the children / [David shrugs and joins in] We are the ones who make a brighter day / So let’s start giving.

[dissolve to exterior: adobe facade with lettering that reads, “El Cantador Mexican Restaurant and School of the Performing Arts]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Howard Dean Headquarters

Howard Dean…..Jeff Richards
Campaign Advisor…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior, Dean Campaign Headquarters, Des Moines, Iowa ]

[ dissolve to interior, Howard Dean’s office ]

Howard Dean: [ on telephone ] Hello, Dale – Howard Dean here. how are things in Marion County? Great! Well, you probably know why I’m calling you. Coming down to the wire here, and I just want to let you and every other Democratic county chairman know how much your support swould mean to me at the caucuses on Monday. I hope we can count on you. [ a beat ] Well, in that case, you can go f(beep) off!

[ hangs up, dials another number ]

Hello, Paul! Howard Dean here, how are you? Great! Look, I’ll get right to the point – Blackhawk County is very important to us, and, uh.. as Democratic county chairman, your backing would be a huge help. Can we count on you? [ a beat ] Alright. I understand. But, uh, can I make one request? Since you’re obviously so hot for John Kerry, why don’t you just go (beep) him? And, if you still have enough energy, you can go f(beep) yourself?!

[ hangs up the phone and checks his list, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Come in!

[ Campaign Advisor enters ]

Campaign Advisor: How’s it going, Governor?

Howard Dean: Ah, pretty good, I think. We’re not getting everybody, but we’re doing alright.

Campaign Advisor: Alright. Well, I know it’s a pain making these calls, but uh.. I can’t tell you how important it is to form personal relationships with these county chairmen. Even if they’re not with us now, we’ll need them in November.

Howard Dean: Ah. Believe me, I’m stroking’ ’em!

Campaign Advisor: Okay. Uh.. well, do you feel like taking a break? Because we can do that interview with the Sioux City Journal.

Howard Dean: Actually, I’d better finish calling the rest of these county chairmen first. Otherwise, I.. I might offend some of them!

Campaign Advisor: [ chuckles ] Okay, I hear you! Well, uh.. go back to this, and.. just let me know when you want that interview.

Howard Dean: Okay.

[ Campaign Advisor exits ]

Howard Dean: [ dials phone ] Hello, Andy! Howard Dean here! How we doing in Polk County? You still with us? Great! Really appreciate that. Iowa’s going to be crucial for us in November, and I need to know it’s in the bag. I don’t want to campaign here any more than I absolutely have to. [ a beat ] What? Because it’s a really boring place. You know that – you live here. No, trust me, it’s boring – nothing but corn and fat people. [ a beat ] Well, no offense, but your own family, for example. Well, anyway.. I’m afraid I’ve gotta run. But thanks for your support, okay? [ hangs up ]

[ Campaign Advisor re-enters ]

Campaign Advisor: Uh.. excuse me, Governor.

Howard Dean: Hey, I just had a great talk with Andy Schaeffer from, uh.. Polk County.

Campaign Advisor: Uh, th-that’s good.. ’cause, I just got off the phone with Dale Switzer – you know, the county chair in Fort Dodge?

Howard Dean: Yeah.

Campaign Advisor: Uh.. according to Dale, you threatened his life.

Howard Dean: Not “threatened his life.” I simply said I’d “put a bullet through his head.”

Campaign Advisor: Okay. do you really think that was the best thing to say, Sir?

Howard Dean: It was an honest reaction to hearing that he wants to stay neutral. He could respect that.

Campaign Advisor: And, in his place, you wouldn’t be offended?

Howard Dean: Not at all! On the contrary. My response would be: “You know something? This Howard Dean is a different kind of politician. I like his straight talk! The fact that he’s not afraid to tell people things they don’t want to hear. I think we need more of that in Washington!”

Campaign Advisor: Okay.. Have you taken any of the medication that we got for you?

Howard Dean: No, I flushed it down the toilet!

Campaign Advisor: Well, I appreciate your honesty —

Howard Dean: Thank you.

Campaign Advisor: But, with due respect, Governor – and, speaking not just as your advisor, but as someone who passionately believes in what you’re trying to accomplish – I-I really feel that, in your dealings with people, in addition to the honesty, uh.. y-you need to use just a little more tact.

[ a beat as Dean processes the suggestion ]

Howard Dean: Why don’t you go f(beep) yourself?!

Campaign Advisor: Alright. [ chuckles uncomfortably ] Anything else?

Howard Dean: Yes. [ looks directly into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiight!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

DynaCorp

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
…..Jessica Simpson
Porky…..Will Forte

[ open on footage of Jessica Simpson concert ending ]

[ dissolve to Jessica running backstage ]

Announcer: Hey, Jessica – great concert!

Jessica Simpson: [ toweling off ] Thanks!

Announcer: Looks like you worked up quite an appeite out there!

Jessica Simpson: Did.. I.. ever! That’s why, after every show, I reach for a can of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna! [ holds up can ] Everyone knows that Chicken of the Sea is tuna, but what you might not know is that tuna is fish, not chicken. So, look for the can with the mermaid on the label! Chicken of the Sea brand tuna – America’s #1 non-chicken brand fish!

Announcer: But.. what if you wanted tuna that is chicken?

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] Huh..?

Announcer: If you like Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, then you’ll love new Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken!

[ the can is handed to Jessica ]

Jessica Simpson: [ examining the can ] Tuna of the.. Dirt..?

Announcer: Yep! Tuna of the Dirt is 100% top-grade tuna-free canned chicken!

Jessica Simpson: Hmm.. so, wait.. is it tuna or not?

Announcer: Oh, it’s tuna alright – Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken! So, when you’re sure you don’t want fish, grab the only chicken good enough to be called tuna – Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. Look for the chicken with the cowboy on the label!

Jessica Simpson: Wait! I’m confused! Why is a.. a cowboy on this chicken can holding a fish pole?

Announcer: Well, because he’s fishing around for quality chicken! Tuna of the Dirt – the chicken with the fishing cowboy on the label. In the tuna section of your supermarket!

Jessica Simpson: This is so confusing! I think I’m just going to eat a piece of fruit.

Announcer: Then, you’re in luck! Becuase if you’re looking for fruit that’s every bit as good as our chicken and tuna, then you’ll want Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!

[ the can is handed to Jessica ]

Jessica Simpson: Wait.. stop. Turkey of the Jungle?

Announcer: That’s right. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas. From the makers of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, and Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. If fish grew on treees, they’d be Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!

Jessica Simpson: Thid is ha-ard!

Announcer: Nothing hard about it. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas can be found in the chicken aisle, right next to Pork of the Orchard brand apples.

[ the can is handed to Jessica ]

Announcer: Pork of the Orchard brand apples. Look for the apples with the picture of a turkey on the can!

Jessica Simpson: [ greatly confused ] Uh.. uh.. so, if the apples.. have a turkey on the can.. then.. what does.. what does the can have with the bananas?

Announcer: Why, that would be the Turkey of the Jungle mascot – Porky, the Scubadiving Chicken! And Porky says:

[ Porky, a scubadiving chicken mascot, waddles up to Jessica ]Porky: [ singing ]
“If you want fruit, not fish nor fowl
Turkey of the Jungle makes this chicken howl!”
Owwwwwww! This turkey is good bananas!

[ Porky waddles off ]

Jessica Simpson: Please stop.. my head hurts..

Announcer: Ohhhh.. then, you need Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet – the turkey-flavored aspirin that comes in a tuna can.

[ the can is handed to Jessica ]

Jessica Simpson: No!

Announcer: Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet brand turkey-flavored aspirin. Look for the tuna can with the chicken can on the label!

[ Jessica appears exasperated, as the camera pans over to a table full of DynaCorp products ]

[ dissolve to phony product labels ]

Announcer: DynaCorp. Bringing you everything from Chicken of Sea brand tuna, to Shoepolish of the Outhouse brand typing paper. DynaCorp. The Kangaroo Rat of the Billiard Room.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Goodnights

…..Jessica Simpson
…..Nick Lachey

Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey: Thanks to G-Unit!!

Nick Lachey: And everyone here at SNL! Good night!

Jessica Simpson: Happy birthday, Mom!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

MTV Future

…..Jessica Simpson
…..Nick Lachey

[open on “MTV Future” logo]

Announcer: This week, on MTV Future, check in with the seven roommates on “Real World: Uranus.” [dissolve to photo of seven roommates, including two robots and a green-skinned woman] Will Angie finally hook up with XRP89? Not if Brad dismantles him for parts first. Then, at the 10-Spot, a special encore presentation of the 2054 MTV Video Music Awards [dissolve to VMA logo] with your hosts Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen [dissolve to photo of elderly twin women], and special musical guest Blanket Jackson [dissolve to photo of a man dressed like Michael Jackson, with one glove and a blanket-like veil over his face]. Then join MTV Future for an all new season of our longest-running reality show, “Newlyweds.” [dissolve to black and white footage of an elderly Nick and Jessica dancing with title: “The Newlyweds Nick & Jessica Golden Anniversary Season”] After fifty years of marriage, our kooky couple is still going strong.

[dissolve to futuristic living room, with Nick and Jessica wearing silver clothing and the Earth visible through space outside their window]

Jessica: Nick. Nick! We’re out of Metamucil.

Nick: I’ll get some later.

Jessica: But, Nick, I need it. I haven’t dropped the kids off at the pool in three days.

Nick: Do you have to say that every single time you have to go to the bathroom? It’s been fifty years, honey. Get a new line!

Jessica: [clutches her stomach] Oooooh.

Announcer: Watch as they bravely face the challenges of growing old together.

[dissolve to kitchen]

Nick: [talking on the phone] Yes, I understand. Okay. [hangs up phone]

Jessica: What did the doctor say, honey?

Nick: Well, it’s like we thought. I have to have my eyeballs replaced.

Jessica: Oh, no!

Nick: Yes, after fifty years of constantly rolling them at you, they finally just wore out.

Jessica: That’s no fair. I want new eyeballs, too.

[Nick rolls his eyes and suddenly gasps in pain]

[dissolve to black and white footage of Nick and Jessica kissing with title: “The Newlyweds Nick & Jessica Golden Anniversary Season”]

Announcer: “The Newlyweds Golden Anniversary Season” premiere. A night not to be missed.

[dissolve to living room with Nick and Jessica eating tuna from bowls]

Jessica: Listen, I know I’ve asked you this about a million times. But this “Chicken of the Sea,” is it chicken or tuna?

Nick: Neither one. Both chicken and tuna are extinct.

Jessica: So, you don’t mean…?

Nick: Yes. Chicken of the Sea is people. It’s people!

Jessica: Oh. I wonder why it makes me toot. [Nick chokes]

[dissolve to MTV Future logo]

Announcer: Only on MTV Future.

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Victoria’s Secrets

Melody…..Jessica Simpson
Phil…..Nick Lachey
Aunt…..Maya Rudolph
Damien…..Kenan Thompson

[Set at a Victoria Secret’s. Melody is folding clothes]

Phil: (enters, carrying a see through plastic femalebody mannequin) Hey Melody, just wanted to say you’redoing a great job. We’re psyched to have you on boardthe Victoria Secrets team.

Melody: Thanks Phil

Phil: And by the way, looking good (lightly touchesher ass)

Melody: Thanks Phil (trying to brush it off)

Phil: Looking real good

Melody: (annoyed) Thanks Phil

Phil: You know I’m straight right?

Melody: Yes Phil

Phil: Oh, uh…(he begins to whisper something to herand walks off.)

[Enter old woman with nephew]

Aunt: Hello, I am looking for a sales clerk

Melody: Yes, can I help you find something?

Damien: Yeah, uh, my aunt needs some new underwear

Aunt: I need some new drawers cause I’m going to asleepover function

Melody: Okay, we’ve got some pretty panties

Damien: Okay, I’ll be back in a minute, I’m gonna goto the apple store

Aunt: Ah uh. Damien, we got apples at home. You juststay here in case someone tries to snatch me.

Melody: Uh, what kind of style do you like? We haveFrench cut panties, bikini cut panties

Aunt: I wanna make something clear from the get go. Iam only interested in purchasing undergarments thatcover up my business.

Melody: These are from are very sexy collection.they’re really great because they’re very comfy andvery sexy too

Aunt: Young woman, I’ve got but one question. Do thesedrawers cover up your business?

Melody: Well, it depends on what you mean by business

Aunt: My parky butt. My nana. My nick nak. My mooseygoosey.

Damien: Alright

Aunt: My hotdog warmer. My nook and cranny. My sugarbowl. My peppermint patty

Melody: I think I get it. You don’t want a thong

Aunt: Is that the kind that go under your jungle bookand up out through your biscuits

Melody: Yeah

Aunt: No thank you

Phil: Hi ma’am. Can I help you with anything?

Damien: Just help her find some granny panties please.I mean her size is big and square

Phil: Uh actually ma’am, you can actually find whatyour looking for at Sears intimate apparel orMontgomery Ward

Aunt: What hot shot? You don’t think I’m woman enoughto shop up in here? Let me ask you a question, haveyou ever seen a real woman? (Turns her back to theaudience and opens her coat) Check that out, you everseen something like these! What about these! And takea look at that thing, that thing will blow your mind!

Phil: Uh Melody, if you wouldn’t mind take care ofthese nice people please? I’m gonna take a Pepcid ACand try to forget what just happened

Melody: Okay. Uh, well these are some French cutpanties. There really cute holding up undies with acherry pattern.

Aunt: Damien baby, help me try these on

Damien: The lady will help you. The dressing room isright over there

Aunt: Nu uh, I’m gonna try them on right here in frontof God and everybody. I don’t have any secrets.Victoria does

[Damien gets down and helps her try on the panties.]

Aunt: Lets go baby, one leg at a time. There you go,and the other one. Open up them golden gates. Pull herup. There we go. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Allieo. Andbinga. Okay, this is cool. Now these here cover up mywoodchuck.

Melody: Great, can I ring those up for you?

Aunt: Na baby, I’m ah keep them on. You can just aimthat scan gun thing up underneath my housecoat. Butbaby, shoot that laser beam away from my business. Idon’t want it to get all fried up.

*BEEP*

Aunt: There you go

Melody: Uhh, that will be $14 dollars and .94 cents

Aunt: What? For just one pair of old drawers? Oh no,you can keep these! (Starts to take them off butDamien stops her)

Damien: Ahh, I’ll pay for it, it’s alright

Aunt: Oh, my sweet nephew’s gonna pay for my drawers.Somebody gonna get a pretzel today! Come on baby,let’s go. Thank you! [They exit]

[Phil enters]

Phil: Wow Melody, big ups on handling that costumer.You know, you’re a real classy lady!

Melody: Phil, don’t try to get up in (as the old lady)my moosey goosey

[Applause while fade screen to black]

Submitted by: Vanessa

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 10

]]>

03j: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Michael Jackson…..Amy Poehler
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Gunther Kelly…..Will Forte
Patrick Kelly…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Michael Jackson appeared in court Friday to plead not guilty to childmolestation charges. Apparently the only way his handlers could get him there was by telling Michael that he had won the child molester of the millennium award. Jackson himself was seen dancing on his car after his court appearance, leading some to feel that Jackson’s legal team have been too afraid to tell him how serious these charges are. But really, how can they tell him that? There afraid to tell him it’s not raining. [Picture of Jackson on car with umbrella]

Jimmy Fallon: According to Magnificent Majestic, Michael Jackson’s personal magician, the purpose of Michael’s recent meetings with the nation of Islam is to insure that nobody is taking advantage of him financially. So don’t worry everyone – Michael Jackson’s personal magician is ensuring that nobody is taking advantage of him financially.

[Jackson walks in]

Michael Jackson: Excuse me. Hello everybody.

Jimmy Fallon: Hello Michael, how are you?

Michael Jackson: Wonderful.

Tina Fey: How was your child molestation arraignment?

Michael Jackson: It was wonderful.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow that’s great. What do you have there?

Michael Jackson: Well, you two have always been so wonderful to me, so I wanted to invite you to a party.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, thank you.

Tina Fey: [Reads invitation] “In the spirit of love and togetherness, Michael Jackson would like to invite his fans and supporters to his Neverland Ranch for food, music, and free wieners for the kids.” Oh, Michael.

Michael Jackson: I hope you can make it. I have to go now. I gonna go buy some jelly beans at a magical candy store, on a cloud. Bye. [exits]

Jimmy Fallon: Bye Michael, good to see you again.

Tina Fey: He seems well. He seems well.

Jimmy Fallon: NBC said this Monday that “Frasier” will be ending this May after 11 seasons – 11 super-gay seasons. It was reported that after the show leaves the air, Kelsey Grammer may join the cast of “The Producers.” Grammer will be playing the role of Frasier Crane.

Tina Fey: President Bush on Wednesday outlined his ambitious vision for exploring outer space that includes plans to put a man on mars. That man – Howard Dean.

A new restaurant in Australia is opening called “Lewinsky’s”, inspired by former white house intern, Monica Lewinsky. Eat there once, pay for it the rest of your life.

Jimmy Fallon: Last week, we poked a little fun at Donald Trump and his new show “The Apprentice.” But maybe the last laugh was on us , “The Apprentice” is a hit. Here to say I told you so, is Donald Trump, ladies and gentleman.

[Donald Trump appears]

Donald Trump: Jimmy, Tina. What can I say? My news show “The Apprentice” is a classy, bold, and brassy hit. Like everything I put my name on – my buildings, my casinos, and my women, I knew it would be huge.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Let me ask you something about “The Apprentice.”

Donald Trump: Shoot.

Jimmy Fallon: Um, how do you think I would be as one of the contestants?

Donald Trump: I have to be honest Jimmy – the contestants on my show, both men and women, are business people with a lot of drive, and Jimmy, I think you’re a gooofball.

Jimmy Fallon: Really?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jimmy Fallon: You do?

Donald Trump: And that’s only the beginning. I think everyone here would agree with me. Jimmy, you gotta do something about that hair…[pause]…What’s the matter?

Jimmy Fallon: M-“my” hair?

Donald Trump: Jimmy, I have a stylist I go to in Queens. His name is Antonio. I think he’s a fruit. But the bottom line is that the hair speaks for itself. Here’s his card, tell him I sent you, and ask for the onion loaf.

Jimmy Fallon: No, no I’m not getting in on your loaf.

Donald Trump: Jimmy, you’re making a mistake.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t think I’m making a mistake.

Donald Trump: I think you need an onion loaf.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t think I need an onion loaf.

Donald Trump: Jimmy, I hate to do this, but you’re fired.

Jimmy Fallon: He’s got power. He can do this.

Donald Trump: Tina…

Tina Fey: Yeah, how do you think I would do, Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: Let me put it this way, Tina – men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Tina Fey: That’s gross.

Donald Trump: Tina, lose the glasses, and fix these. [ grabs his boobs ]

Tina Fey: Fix them?!

Jimmy Fallon: Maybe get an onion loaf, a couple of onion loafs.

Donald Trump: I could get you a job as a cocktail waitress at the Taj.

Tina Fey: Get out of here! The Donald, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: The Donald!

Tina Fey: I’m not going to fix these! [ touches her boobs ]

Jimmy Fallon: “Fix those!” Come on, Trump!

Tina Fey: In Us Weekly this week, [Imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] “I ate too much ice cream. I have to work through this ice cream headache to govern the state of California. No pain, no game!”

CBS announced that will not air moveon.org’s winning anti-bush ad during the super bowl, saying that they don’t air so-called “issue ads.” Unless the issue is that girls are sluts for beer.

Jimmy Fallon: White Stripes lead singer, Jack White, plead innocent to charges on aggravated assault on singer Jason Stollsteimer. Although he pled guilty to aggravated assault on this here guitar lick…[Imitates playing guitar] Yeah! who wants to rock and roll? [guitar thrown at Fallon] Who is throwing guitars? What the hell is going on? You don’t throw a guitar at me. What’s wrong with people?

Tina Fey: American celebrities have been coming out of woodwork in recent weeks, offering endorsements of the various democratic hopefuls. Here is where the celebrities lineup, these are all real endorsements by the way. [Picture of Madonna] Madonna has thrown her endorsement to general Wesley Clark, because he said the word “kabbalah” once. [Picture of Sorkin and Douglas] Dick Gephardt hasbeen backed by Aaron Sorkin and Michael Douglas — no surprise there. Gephardt has always been the candidate of choice for crack heads and aging sex addicts. And here’s a good one. [Picture of Kutcher] Ashton Kutcher has endorsed John Edwards. So if you feel overwhelmed. Your feeling this next election is a very important one in American history, and you say to yourself “What does that guy from ‘That 70’s Show’ think I should do?” Who are you gonna vote for Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know. I mean, I like “Romancing the Stone,” so maybe Gephardt. I think I’m just gonna play it cool, and wait to see who Frankie Muniz endorses…Well, Frankie Muniz.

>Boxing ring announcer, Michael Buffer, got divorced last week. So now…..[in stereo voice, pulls down hanging microphone] Let’s get ready to move into the Y and have awkward conversations with our children!! …sorry. [normal voice] Please. I don’t want your charity, please!

Tina Fey: According to researchers, sex benefits the heart, burns calories, reduces depression, boosts immunity, and releases pain reducing endorphins. But most importantly, it makes boys like you.

Jimmy Fallon: Nearly two weeks after landing on Mars, the Spirit Aover finally rolled off it’s lander Thursday, and joined 10 feet into the surface of the planet. So let’s see – It wakes up, rolls off a platform, moves 10 feet, and calls it a day. Apparently, the Rover has been programed to mimic the movements of Star Jones.

Hey, by the way, I want to say congratulation to America for landing on mars. [stands up to gloat] Yeah! What up bitch?! We got a go-kart on mars! Woo! I guess David Bowie was right! The second I play guitar! [guitar thrown at Fallon again] Stop throwing guitars at me! What the frig, man!

Tina Fey: It-it-it seems like you’re calling for a guitar.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, I’m not though.

Tina Fey: All right. This week, President Bush used a special presidential power to appoint Charles W. Pickering to a federal appeals court judgeship. Despite the fact that he’d been blocked twice by the senate because of democratic opposition. This is a complicated situation, but lucky for us, we have some experts here to help explain it to us. Please welcome, from George Washington University law school, professors Patrick and Gunther Kelly.

Gunther Kelly: Thank you, Tina. The intricacies of presidential appointments, are difficult to understand, even for constitutional scholars like us. None the less, the presidents decision has significant implications. And its very important that the public understand exactly what this judicial appointment means.

Patrick Kelly: So to help people understand, we’ve composed a little song that explains the arcane aspects of the president’s action. We hope it might be a fun learning tool for anyone interested in the American system of checks and balances.

Gunther Kelly: So pay attention, here’s the Charles W. Pickering appeals court song…

Patrick Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Gunther Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Both: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Patrick Kelly: Take it Gunther.

Gunther Kelly: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Both: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. [soft voice] Yaaaaaaaaaa. [loud voice] Yaaaaaaaaaaa. Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Ya. [pause] Yaaaa.[pause] Ya-ya.

Tina Fey: It’s all clear now. Professors Patrick and Gunther Kelly, everyone.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 7th, 2004

Megan Mullally

Clay Aiken

Nick Offerman
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppell (Darrell Hammond) bypasses important issues to talk about Janet Jackson’s exposed breast at the Super Bowl.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Michael Jackson.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo accidentally introduces Chris Parnell as Chris Kattan, then quickly corrects himself. Pardo also introduces Maya Rudolph as Maria.

Megan Mullally’s MonologueSummary: Despite being surrounded by an all-gay chorus, Megan Mullally tries to show she’s about much more than her loyal gay following.

Bio: For her performance on “Will and Grace”, Megan Mullally (1958-) has won an Emmy Award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series and three Screen Actors Guild Awards. She revealed herself as a bisexual in a 1999 interview.

Transcript

Celebrity Poker ShowdownSummary: Celebrities like Carrot Top (Seth Meyers) and Kevin Pollack (Jimmy Fallon) make poker excruciating to watch.

Recurring Characters: Carrot Top, Geraldo Rivera, Gene Shalit.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of the Elijah Wood episode.

Transcript

Huggies ThongSummary: Less padding, but not as effective as regular diapers.

Note: Repeat from 10/04/03.

Baby BoyfriendSummary: A grown man (Seth Meyers) lives like a child again when he visits his mom’s (Megan Mullally) house, much to the discomfort of his girlfriend (Amy Poehler).

Transcript

Golden Globe AwardsSummary: Megan Mullally makes faces from the audience as Sharon Stone (Amy Poehler) presents an award.

Oprah’s Favorite ThingsSummary: The studio audience goes nuts when Oprah (Maya Rudolph) gives lavish gifts away.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Transcript

The CabdriverSummary: A cabdriver (Megan Mullally) makes a big deal about welcoming black people into her cab.

Transcript

Clay Aiken performs “Invisible”Bio: Clay Aiken (1978-) was the second runner-up on Fox’s “American Idol”, and the first of their contestants to appear on “Saturday Night Live.”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Indian comic Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) tells more lost-in-translation jokes. Ready for her exit from “20/20”, Barbara Walters (Rachel Dratch) interviews herself.

Recurring Characters: Billy Smith, Barbara Walters.

Transcript

The Wizard Of OzSummary: Not only has Dorothy (Amy Poehler) killed the Bad Witch, but some innocent Munchkins as well.

Transcript

Zinger vs. SlamSummary: Scientists Dave “Zing” Clinger (Seth Meyers) verbally spars with ex-girlfriend Debbie “Slam” Slamowski (Megan Mullally).

Transcript

Clay Aiken performs “The Way”

Musical RelativesSummary: Leon Warwick (Kenan Thompson) and Connie Raitt (Megan Mullally) try to enter the Grammy Awards ceremony.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

The Cabdriver

Cabdriver…..Megan Mullally
Professional Black Man…..Kenan Thompson
Ethnic Black Man…..Finesse Mitchell

[ Professional Black Man enters cab ]

Cabdriver: Hi! Hello there.

Professional Black Man: [ talking on cellphone ] Have the projections on my desk by the time I arrive, please.

Cabdriver: I like black people!

Professional Black Man: That’s.. great. Me, too. [ on cellphone ] Alright, yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes.

Cabdriver: Yep! I like all the blackies! Black, black, black, black! Blackie! Blackie! Love it!

Professional Black Man: Excuse me? [ on cellphone ] Uh, Cindy? Let me call you back. [ hangs up ] You like what, now?

Cabdriver: Uh.. blackies? The Afros? Coloreds? I don’t know, you guys change it every year.

Professional Black Man: Excuse me, but, uh.. we haven’t been “Colored” for a very long time.

Cabdriver: Oh? Well.. anyway, it’s Black History Month, and you are my first Black-African-Negro-American today! Whoo! Free Mandela! So, where we off to, fool?

Professional Black Man: [ outraged ] What?!!

Cabdriver: Dawg?

Professional Black Man: What?!

Cabdriver: G?

Professional Black Man: Hey!

Cabdriver: My #1 Ace Boom!

Professional Black Man: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa!

Professional Black Man: Lady, are you on drugs or something? ‘Cause, if I wasn’t late, I would get out of this cab!

Cabdriver: Oh, my bad. Where to?

Professional Black Man: Just take me to —

Cabdriver: Harlem?

Professional Black Man: No!

Cabdriver: Bronx?

Professional Black Man: No!

Cabdriver: Brooklyn? BK in the cab!

Professional Black Man: No!!

Cabdriver: Listen, buddy – I’m not driving to Detroit!

Professional Black Man: Take me to Wall Street and Church!

Cabdriver: Nice suit.

Professional Black Man: Thanks.

Cabdriver: [ solemn ] I hope you get a fair trial.

Professional Black Man: Dammit!! I’m an investment banker!

Cabdriver: Yes, you are!

Professional Black Man: Look, just take me downtown..

Cabdriver: You got it, Chief! [ looks out window ] Oh! Hey, look! There’s another one! [ pulls over ]

Professional Black Man: Hey, what are you doing?

Cabdriver: Scoot over, Ice Cube! You think you’re the only black guy who needs a ride today? It’s Black History Month!

Ethnic Black Man: Hey, y’all goin’ downtown?

Cabdriver: Yes, we are! The more the merrier!

Professional Black Man: I don’t believe this..

Ethnic Black Man: What’s up, black man?

Cabdriver: What’s up, black man!

Ethnic Black Man: Hey, girl!

Cabdriver: It’s Black History Month! Free Mandela!

Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!

Professional Black Man: Hey, hey! The man is already — Never mind.

Cabdriver: Mmm.. nice suit. Are you an “investment banker”, too?

Professional Black Man: Uh, no.. I violated my parole, so I’m doing court at noon.

Cabdriver: Finally! An honest answer! And we’re rollin’!

[ Cabdriver and Ethnic Black Man begin singing hymnal and rap music together, to Professional Black Man’s dismay ]

Ethnic Black Man: She’s cool!

Professional Black Man: No! She’s not!

Cabdriver: [ pointing out window ] Hey, look! Two more!

Professional Black Man: Hell, no!

Cabdriver: Look, but it’s two chocolate bunnies!

[ two black women enter cab ]

Cabdriver: Why don’t you ladies squeeze on in!

Professional Black Man: Look! This is ridiculous!

Ethnic Black Man: Hush, man. [ to the women ] Hey, how y’all doin’? Happy Black History Monh, ladies. I’m Jay..

Cabdriver: Ah! Licquor store! Anybody? Some Alize would set this party off!

Professional Black Man: Ooh! Alize! Yeah!

Professional Black Man: Alize, no! It’s ten in the morning!

Cabdriver: Uh-oh, lookie! Strip club!

Black Women: Oh, that’s us.

Cabdriver: Anyone else?

Ethnic Black Man: Oh.. uh.. yeah, I got time. [ to Professional Black Man ] Lata, playa!

Cabdriver: Free Mandela!

Ethnic Black Man: Free Mandela!

Cabdriver: Tupac lives!

Ethnic Black Man: Alright.. now, first of all, it’s “Tu-pac”; and, second of all, don’t play with my emotions. [ hops out cab ] Hey, ladies! Wait up!

Professional Black Man: Look – could you please just take me to Wall Street now? No more stops, no more other random black people, no more conversation. Can you do that?

Cabdriver: I sure can, sir! How about some soft variety music along the way?

Professional Black Man: I guess that would be alright.

[ Cabdriver turns on loud rap music and puts rap chain around neck ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Goodnights

…..Megan Mullally

Megan Mullally: Thank you to Clay Aiken! And everybody at “SNL” – the whole cast, the crew, everybody! It was so much fun! Thank you very much!

SNL Transcripts