Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
President George W. Bush: Over the past several weeks, Americans have followed events in the Middle East with a growing sense of alarm. As the violence continues to escalate, many wonder if peace can ever come to that troubled part of the world. But two things are certain. As long as Israel lives with the threat of suicide bombings, it will have the right to defend itself. And as long as these terrorists are encouraged by Arab states pledging money to their families and by misguided religious leaders promising them instant martyrdom, there will be more suicide bombers. That’s why tonight, I’m offering a new proposal. Not to Prime Minister Sharon or to Chairman Arafat, but to the suicide bombers instead. First thing Monday morning, I urge you to stop by any American consulate with your explosives belt and tell us how much the Saudis have promised your family. We will not only beat that offer, but we will also let you trade that explosives belt for a new cell-phone from Nokia or Motorola.
Now, you may ask, what about the 72 virgins I’ve been promised? In all honesty, that is an offer that, for logistical reasons, we are just not able to match. But what if, instead of 72 women, you had your choice of literally hundreds of women? Beautiful, horny women? Eager to talk to you by phone about whatever you want, whenever you want, as long as you want, for the rest of your life? You can talk to “Out of Control College Girls”, “Nasty Housewives”, or “Hot To Trot Dancers.” Perhaps you prefer more demanding women. Some of these girls think that members of Hizbullah are very bad boys who need to be punished. Or, if you’re confused about your sexuality, which, frankly, is often the case with suicide bombers, why not enjoy the best of both worlds by talking to our mind-blowing “Gender Benders?” And female suicide bombers will enjoy sharing their fantasies with the men of the “New York Tool Company,” who coincidently, are willing to take calls from other men, as well.
Now, perhaps you are thinking this sounds great, but are all of these girls really virgins? (looks around nervously) Yes. Yes, they are all virgins. Every single one of them. In addition, they are all fluent in Arabic, all extremely horny, and all favor a Palestinian state. So, it’s a good deal. Best of all, you don’t have to blow yourself up to talk to them. And what does this service cost you, you ask? Absolutely nothing. That’s right. So that, in essence, is the Bush/Cheney/Guccioni peace plan. Some will say it is too ambitious, others will find it morally questionable, still others will object to it on grounds of “trashiness” and “vulgarity.” But to this administration, it is just the kind of bold, new approach; the outside of the box thinking that could jump start the peace process and get it back on track. So I suggest we give it a chance.
Thank you and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Announcer: Next, on HBO: Go behind the scenes with musical superstars Gemini’s Twin, in their highly-anticipated feature film debut: “Damn My Dixie’s On Fire.” Next, on HBO: First Look.
[ dissolve to Gemini’s Twin sitting on the set of their film ]
Joanette: Yo, yo, yo! Gemini’s Twin makin’ our first movie!
together: First movie, first movie! First movie!
Britanica: Yeah, well basically our reason for writin’ this movie is so we can be in it.
Joanette: Yeah.
Dijonaise: I thought the Civil War was a real historical time in our history.
Britanica; Mmm-hmm.
Joanette: Plus, we wanted to wear these big ol’ skirts! Know what I’m sayin’?
Dijonaise: Yeah.
Britanica: Yeah.
Joanette: Yeah, ‘cuz see, what we was tryin’ to do here was create a new groundbreakin’ genre – the hip-hop epic.
Britanica: Mmm-hmm. The hip-hop-a-pop.
Joanette: Yeah, it’s a new form.
[ dissolve to Spuzz ]
Announcer: Directed by their collaborator, choreographer and friend – Spuzz.
Spuzz: Yeah, I directed the Twins in four videos. Most recently, “Planet of Mens”. And, uh, when they axed me to do dem “My Dixie’s On Fire”, I was all, “Cool! Let’s twist the shizzy up and get all freaky-deaky.” And, uh.. I think you can really see that attitude in the bell tower scenes.
[ dissolve to the belfry scene in the movie, alone in the belfry ]
Dijoanise: Who dat is?
[ Joanette and Britanica enter the belfry ]
Britanica: Ooh. I didn’t expect nobody to be here.
Joanette: Ooh, what are you doin’ up here in dis bel-free?
Together: [ singing ] “I said! B to the E to the L to the F to the R to the Y! Belfry!”
Dijoanise: Just chillin’, what’chy’all doin’?
Joanette: Just chillin’.
Britanica: Chillin’. Mindin’ my own bidness.
Joanette: Yeah.
Dijoanise: Can y’all keep a secret?
Joanette: Mmm-hmm.
Dijonaise: War is hard.
Joanette: Mmm-hmm..
Britanica: Yeah! And it’s boring, too.
Joanette: I can’t wait until the war is over in 1865.
Dijonaise: Y’all I’m hungry! I could go for some chicken-fried steak and biscuits!
Britanica: Are you crazy! It’s wartime!
Joanette: You ain’t gonna git no biscuits!
[ dissolve to Brian Glazer, Producer ]
Brian Glazer: This is what producers do. We put things together. First of all, you’ve got the Civil War, which is awesome! Completely it’s own thing! And I go, “What else is hot?” Gemini’s Twin! Lot of heat, a lot of buzz, my daughter loves them. And you know what? The bet script my assisant has ever read!
[ dissolve to Gemini’s Twin giving an interview on their set ]
Joanette: Okay, like, my character, she a Quaker. We call her Lil’ Q. Mmm-hmm. But what’s complex about her is that she has a eating disorder.
Britanica: Yeah. And I play a nurse who goes crazy, and eventually loses her mind.
Dijonaise: I play a runaway slave whose name is Ungawa.
Britanica: Yeah. ‘Cuz I wasn’t gonna do that.
Dijonaise: No, and the cool thing about her is that, by a certain part of the movie, she turns deaf.
Britanica: Yeah.
Joanette: Mmm-hmm. But, luckily, she can still hear.
Britanica: Yeah. So she does Sign Language, ‘cuz it look good.
Dijonaise: Look, y’all, I can play a rainbow. [ signs for “rainbow” ]
Together: [ singing ] “Rain-bowwwwwww!”
Dijonaise: Ungawa!
[ dissolve to Diane Warren, Songwriter ]
Diane Warren: I had written “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” from “Armageddon”, and “For You I Will” from “Space Jam”, and “Get Under the Table, Quick!” from “Twister”. Um.. so, when Brian approached me to work on the music from “Damn, My Dixie”, it was a no-brainer. I mean, to have the opportunity to work with such powerhouses as Gemini’s Twin. I immediately dashed to my drum machine and whipped out “Dance Nation Proclamation”.
[ dissolve to another scene from “Damn, My Dixie’s On Fire”, Ungawa doing sign language ]
Joanette: What is that deaf girl doin’ with her hands?
Britanica: Girl, I think she’s saying her man is cheatin’ on her!
Joanette: Oohh.. and you know what I say when there’s cheatin’.
Dijonaise: Frankly, my girl..
Together: ..we don’t give a damn!!
[ they drop their big skirts and break into dance moves ]
Joanette: [ singing ] “You bin throwin’ orders like you were some boss Now you ain’t gettin’ none of this barbecue sauce!”
Britanica: “You bin actin’ all cruel, you bin mean So you’d better keep your corn out of my baked beans!”
Dijoanise: “Puttin’ on your cheese like you was a yuppie Boy, you better watch out, I’m gonna kick you in the..”
Together: “Hush puppies!
Yeah!
“You bin actin’ like a jerk, what in tarnation My daddy’s gonna throw your butt off of this plantation!
Goin’ down south-south-south-south Goin’ down south-south-south-south Goin’ down south-south-south-south Goin’ down south-south-south-south..”
Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan Female Alien…..Britney Spears
Astronaut Jones: This is Astronaut Jones. I’m on the planet Porpula. There seems to be no one around. Over. I’ll keep looking. Over. Maybe there’s.. danger.
Jingle: “Rocket I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket into outer space. Goodbye, human race I’ll be there soon.
Blast off! For fun and adventure. There’s a fair adventure collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way on the ol’ space highway. That’s why they all say “There goes Astronaut Jones!”
Hey!”
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”. Tonight’s episode: Episode 16, The Creature From Porpula.
Astronaut Jones: [ into walkie-talkie ] Hello, Earth? I think I hear someone coming. I’m going to make contact. Over and out, Earth. Bye.
Female Alien: Earthling, my name is Krugella..
Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.
Female Alien: I’m the Queen of Perillians..
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Female Alien: A proud and peace-loving race..
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Female Alien: My people have been awaiting your arrival for some time now.
Astronaut Jones: Stay word.
Female Alien: We’re in desperate need of your help.
Astronaut Jones: Dig it.
Female Alien: The Galaxians have seized our cities and plundered our riches.
Astronaut Jones: What?
Female Alien: They will stop at nothing until our whole cizilization is..
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.
Female Alien: ..blotted from the universe.
Astronaut Jones: Say what.
Female Alien: You’re our only hope.
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Female Alien: You must help us..
Astronaut Jones: Dig.
Female Alien: ..or we will surely perish.
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.
Female Alien: What do you say?
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Female Alien: What do you say to that, Great One?
Astronaut Jones: Well, why don’t you drop out of that green jumpsuit and show me that phat ass!
Jingle: “Rocket I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase Hey, look out, Moon!”
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Dick Armey…..Will Ferrell Pat Caddell…..Jimmy Fallon Paul Begalia…..Chris Kattan
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews. Fighting rages on in the middle East, Yassar Arafat has locked himself in his paic room, Prime Minister Sharon has a boner for bulldozers, and the hottest-selling Spring accessory in the West Bank is a fishing vest that ticks! These people are nuts! They’re Looney Tunes! They say the want peace, they keep blowing things up, and bush’s solution is to head for Crawford, Texas and play with cows! Should the U.S. intervene, or should they let the whole middle East turn into an episode of “Battlebots”! Joining me today, House Majority Leader Dick Armey!
Dick Armey: Nice to be here, Chris. The thing that strikes me is –
Chris Matthews: Whoa! The hell do you think you’re doing! It’s not the Dick Armey Fun-Time Chat Hour? It’s Hardball, zip it! Also joining us, former Democrat pollster Pat Caddell!
Pat Caddell: [ mumbly ] Hello, Chris. Can I say something right off the bat?
Chris Matthews: I don’t know, can you?
Pat Caddell: Okay, may I?
Chris Matthews: No, you may not! Ha! It’s an oldie but a goodie, but it’s still funny! Finally, an old friend of ours, he moved over to CNN, but we love having him back here! Always great to have him on the show, former Clinton advisor Paul Begalia!
Paul Begalia: Thaks, Chris! It’s very nice of you to have me here –
Chris Matthews: Shut your muppet mouth, Begalia! You shut your mouth, or I swear to God, I’ll come over there and beat you so hard your dog will be retarded!
Paul Begalia: Now, Chris, do we have to start things off so negatively?
Chris Matthews: I’m sorry, Begalia, it’s a force of habit! What’s the solution to this mess in the Middle East! We’re gonna start with representative Penis Navy!
[ SUPER on Dick Armey: “Penis Navy” ]
Dick Armey: [ stunned ] It’s Dick Armey, Chris, you know that.
Chris Matthews: Whatever! Just talk!
Dick Armey: The Palestinians and Israelis have lost their moral center. We need to remind the Arab and Jewish worlds of what’s really important – the Bible anf Jesus Christ.
Paul Begalia: Chris, that is ludicrous!
Chris Matthews: Jimmy Neutron, you got a comment!
Paul Begalia: Call me crazy –
Chris Matthews: Okay, you’re a bonehead!
Paul Begalia: I said call me crazy..
Chris Matthews: I know, but I think you’re a bonehead!
Paul Begalia: Hey. Anyway, I don’t think studying the New Testement is gonna solve this problem. It’s exactly that kind of cultural misunderstading that has led to all this trouble.
Chris Matthews: It may be true, Begalia, but take a look at this!
[ show doctored photo of Paul Begalia in compromising position with ]
Paul Begalia: Hey, that’s not real! Where did you get that?!
Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That’s the Adobe Photoshop! I also have one of Bobo Fett’s head on my body, it’s awesome! Pat Caddell, news polls say that the U.S. supports Israel’s ight ot protect itself, but we also want them to back out of the West Bank! Do you and your irregular beard have a solution that’ll please everyone!
Pat Caddell: Chris, they can’t divide up the West Bank, why don’t they award joint custody? Israel gets it on weekdays, Palestinians get it on weekends. Of course, Palenstinians will probably let the West Bank stay up late and eat junk food, so that the West Bank will think Palenstine is cooler. That’s the way it worked when my parents split up.
Chris Matthews: Why don’t you zip it, you bearded freak! Tell that stuff to your shrink, not to the fifty people who watch this show! It’s time to take an e-mail question! Cam Vincent of Philadelphia writes: “Dear Chris, please stop shouting. I had the TV on mute, but you’re still so loud you woke up my kid.” Cry me a river, Cam! I’ll stop shouting when I wanna stop shouting! And I don’t ever wanna stop shouting! The question remains: Should the U.S. intervene or what! Weiner Air Force!
Dick Armey: [ outraged ] It’s Dick Armey! It’s Dick Armey! Chris, we have to get tough with the Arab world. We have to institute more prayer in their schools. We have to get them saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. And if that doesn’t work, we simply take over the West Bank and name it America II. We can use it for storage.
Chris Matthews: What about that, Pat Caddell! Should we conquer the West Bank and turn it into a huge garage!
Pat Caddell: Chris, these recent polls show that the U.S. people support Israel, but want them to back out. And they support U.S. intervention, but oppose U.S. loss of life. So what they want is a terminally indestructable American cyborgs to patrol an Israel that can do whatever it wants, and an independent Palestine without anyone affecting anyone else.
Chris Matthews: [ sighs ] The people have spoken, and they’re morons! Time for final thoughts. Vagina Coast Guard!
Dick Armey: Come on! It’s Dick Armey! Look! Chris, there’s only one thing I know about this whole situation – once America II is up and running, we can start getting people psyched for America III: The korean Adventure!
Chris Matthews: Paul Begalia, you weird little garden gnome! Do you have anything left to say!
Paul Begalia: Chris, I agreed –
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: – to come back –
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: – on this show –
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: – and you’ve been nothing –
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: – but hostile –
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begalia: – ever since I got here –
Chris Matthews: Yeah, shut up, you’re done! If they made a bobble-headed doll out of you, they’d have to make your head smaller! When we come back, I’m gonna call that e-mail guy’s kid on the phone and i’m gonna shout at him! You’re watching “Hardball”!
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan Bill Callahan…..Jimmy Fallon Denny McClain……The Rock
[ start music, show Brian standing, pacing in place, pointing to cartoon animals ]
Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)
[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]
Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! I’m Brian Fellow! Tonight we are gonna meet some animals that are exciting and enjoy a good time. So let’s get going! Our first guest enjoys singing and being in a cage. Please welcome a parrot!!
(Bill Callahan enters with a parrot in a cage.)
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Bill Callahan: Well I’m Bill Callahan from the Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.
Brian Fellow: The what?
Bill Callahan: The….Wagner Lab of Ornithology in Newport.
Brian Fellow: Is that in Newport?
Bill Callahan: (obviously confused) Yes. Yes it is.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Bill Callahan: Brian, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine. He’s an Amazon Yellow Nape that goes by the name of Baily. What do ya’ say, Baily?
Parrot: Hello!
Brian Fellow: That bird just talked!
Bill Callahan: That’s right, the parrot is able to mimic human speech patterns.
Brian Fellow: That’s crazy!
Parrot: Hello!
Brian Fellow: He just did it again!
Bill Callahan: You know, Baily and I are big fans of the show, and we worked up a special treat for you. Would you like to see it?
Brian Fellow: Would I?
Bill Callahan: (not knowing how to respond)…..Hey pretty bird, hey pretty bird! Who are you?
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: (upset) That bird is a liar!
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: He’s startin’ to make me mad! He better shut up!
Parrot: I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: NO YOU’RE NOT!
Bill Callahan: Hey, I’m- I’m sorry, I taught him how to say that, I thought you would like it.
Brian Fellow: He’s an imposter, cause I’M Brian Fellow!
Parrot: I’M Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: That’s it, take him away! This is my show! That bird is not funny, and I better not see him again! (To camera) Hopefully we will fix this in editing! (He then makes a weird hand motion which receives much laughter from the audience.) Our next guest eats crickets and can be seen in a horror movie. Please welcome a tarantula!
(The Rock walks in with a tarantula in a cage)
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Denny McClain: I’m Denny McClain and I’m from the Exotic Animals Exhibit at the Detroit Zoo.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Oh, howdy Brian. I want you to meet a friend of mine. This is Quinton.
Brian Fellow: That’s one fuzzy bug.
Denny McClain: Well actually he’s an adult Brown Desert tarantula.
Brian Fellow: If I had a bug like that, I’d make a coat out of him!
Denny McClain: (confused) Actually, that wouldn’t be a good idea, because his tiny hairs are irritant to human skin.
Brian Fellow: Did you see that loud mouth bird?
(Denny nods his head)
Brian Fellow: I don’t know what he told you, but he is NOT Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Um, I di-didn’t talk to the bird.
Brian Fellow: No matter what he says, he is not my doppleganger!
Denny McClain: Wh-What’s a doppleganger?
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Denny McClain: Yes, and I’m Denny, and we’re here talking about my tarantula, Quinton.
Brian Fellow: Now I understand that in order to grow, a spider must molt. Tell us about that.
Denny McClain: Thats right. That’s right Brian, like a snake a spider has to shed its skin to grow larger. Now what happens-
(The “loud mouth parrot” is seen above Brian Fellow’s head in a thought bubble talking on a phone)
Parrot: I want a new stereo with a tape player and really big speakers sent to my birdhouse! And send me the bill! I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: Hang up that phone!
Denny McClain: Sc-Scuse me?
Brian Fellow: That bird was tryin’ to buy a stereo with my credit card!
Denny McClain: Um, of course he is. Uh, now-now as I was saying, during the molting process the tarantula is extremely vulnerable to prey.
Brian Fellow: That bird better PRAY he don’t screw up my credit!
Denny McClain: What are you talking about?
Brian Fellow: I’m just gonna go get a BB gun and shoot that bird’s eyes out!
Denny McClain: L-L-Look I don’t think you have to worry about that bird impersonating you.
Brian Fellow: Really?
Denny McClain: Yeah, really.
Brian Fellow: I guess you’re right.
(The bird appears above his head again)
Parrot: Hello, QVC? This is Brian Fellow. I want to buy a birdcage with bars made of solid gold! My credit card number is five four eight four-
Brian Fellow: Stop it!!
Denny McClain: Now what?
Brian Fellow: You don’t know anything about birds, mister!…..Well we’re out of time. I want to thank that fuzzy bug for coming by but not the bird! Join me next week when we will meet a pot-bellied pig. That sounds crazy! I’m Brian Fellow!
Parrot: (in background) I’m Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: I’m gonna kill that motha-(and he leaves the set)
Waitress: I work two jobs – I don’t have time to do taxes.
Businessman: Delay? Depreciation? Why does it have to be so complicated?
Spokesman: Problems with your last-minute filings? We understand. We’re Arthur Andersen. And for the first time ever, we’re bringing our years of corporate expertise to you, the individual taxpayer.
Businesswoman: Arthur Andersen helped me build my craft shop into a billion dollar business – on paper. I was able to cash out long before my employee caught on. Right, Consuela?
Housekeeper: [ confused ] Que?
Spokesman: Until now, Andersen made sure many of our corporate clients like Enron paid little or no tax at all – shifting the burdon to you, Joe Taxpayer. [ chuckles ] Sorry about that. Times change, though. And now we’re setting up offices all over the country to help you.
Businesswoman: Arthur Andersen helped me ship my products to the Cayman Islands. Now I don’t pay a penny towards parks, police or schools – just like big corporations.
Businessman: Thanks to Andersen, I get huge credits for drilling and exploration. And that is not a sex joke.
Spokesman: Arthur Andersen is the first tax firm ever indicted for obstruction of justice, and we’re pretty proud of that. And we’re committed to bringing that level of criminal deceit to each and every client.
Waitress: I forgot to report my tips.
Spokesman: Hmm.. well, guess what? [ drops tip sheet into paper shredder ] So did we! [ laughs ]
If saving you money is a crime, we at Arthur Andersen plead guilty.
Voiceover: Arthur Andersen does not plead guilty to fraud, obstruction of justice, or any other pending charges.
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hello, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. And here are tonights top stories.
This week, Enron accountants Arthur Anderson have announced that they will lay off 7,000 employees and thats not even counting the employees who were secretly shredded.
Earlier today for the first time, Yassa Arafat issued a statement in Arabic condemning terrorism. US officials say it is a step in the right direction except for the last line which translates to wink, wink.
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock got engaged in Las Vegas this week. To celebrate their engagement, Kid Rock gave Pamela a 3 carat diamond ring, and Pamela gave Kid Rock hepatitis.
On his weekly radio show, Al Sharpton is now being introduced as The Honourable Reverend Doctor Al Sharpton. You know what? As long as the last 2 words are Al and Sharpton you are not fooling anyone.
(picture of Elton John and Hilary Clinton very close) You remind me of an old boyfriend so do you
It was announced this week that Nicolas Cage will be the first inductee of The Italian-American Hall of Fame. Which Im guessing means Marlin Brando, Robert DiNiro, Francis Ford Coppola, Al Pacino, Martin Scorsese, Marisa Tomei, James Gandolfini, Susan Lucci, Joe Pesci, Danny DeVito, The Olive Garden, Luigi and Mario, Chef Boyardee, Louis Prima, John Gardie, and Lutha Garci all said NO.
Cage will be president of the ceremony of the Italian-American Hall of Fame when they tape his Polaroid up between the soda machine and the empty pizza boxes.
(shows a picture of Alanis Morrisette) Alanis Alanis, not everything you write in your journal is a song.
In other news controversial Little League pitcher Danny Almonte celebrated his 13th birthday on Sunday despite the fact that his birth certificate says he is much older. Almonte spent the day eating cake and playing in the park with his nine year old son.
Ed McMahon has filed a 20 million dollar law suit against his insurance company claiming he and his wife were sicked due to toxic mould from a flood in his Beverly Hills home. McMahon sent a letter to his insurance company saying You already may owe me 20 Million Dollars
A newspaper in India reported that a local woman has been living on a diet of discarded cigarette butts for the past 50 years. Reports said that there is so many filters in her stomach that she pees Brita.
Researchers at Yale University have enrolled cocaine addicts in a clinical trial to test cocaine vaccine. The results of the trial were stolen along with everything else at the clinic.
Jimmy Fallon: Last night, Fox news reported that 2 bears rampaged through Gene Shalits home in Stockbrake, Massachusetts, this is a true story. Here now with a review of the bears performance is Gene Shalit everybody.
Gene Shalit: Those bears were unbearable.
Jimmy Fallon: Good, thats great.
Gene Shalit: It was a grizzly evening.
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, thats good.
Gene Shalit: I barely escaped with my life.
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, we got it.
Gene Shalit: Some rampagers through my house were too hot, some rampagers through in my house were too cold, these rampagers through my house–
Jimmy Fallon: Were just right. Yeah, thats great.
Gene Shalit: Those bears made me poop in my pants!
Jimmy Fallon: I dont get that one.
Gene Shalit: Oh well, Ill just have to grin and bear it.
Jimmy Fallon: Okay.
Gene Shalit: I was so frightened I lost me bearings.
Jimmy Fallon: Wow.
Gene Shalit: When I got more.
Jimmy Fallon: You got more huh? (sarcastically) Good
Gene Shalit: When they make the movie it should star John Clause Van Damn. Huh? Does a bear crap in the woods? Not when it can crap on my sofa.
Jimmy Fallon: Alright, gene Shalit everybody.
Lets see Robert DeNiro- super cool, guitars- always cool, Robert DeNiro holding a guitar surprisingly un-cool.
Tina Fey: John Crutchly, known as the Vampire Rapist committed suicide this week at a Florida Prison where he was serving a life term.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh man, thats terrible.
Tina Fey: What? No, no its not. He raped people and drank their blood.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, I thought he was called the Vampire Rapist because he raped vampires. That would be a good thing, you know?
Tina Fey: No, no. Im glad we cleared that up.
Jimmy Fallon: Well anyway, well miss you Vampire Rapist.
Tina Fey: No we wont.
According to new research, it is extremely difficult for women over the age of 40 to have a child. So hello Bea Arthur, goodbye condoms.
(Gene Shalit runs in)
Gene Shalit: Thanks for baring with us.
Jimmy Fallon: I didnt know you were here.
Gene Shalit: I had a honey of a time. (The Bear Necessities begins to play, and Gene begins to dance)
Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, Im Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And Im Jimmy Fallon. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Tina gets up and dances with Gene and Jimmy claps along with the music)
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.
President Bush delivered his State of the Union address Monday, and he maintains an all-time high 84% approval rating. Bush is thrilled because it’s the first solid “B” he’s ever gotten.
The State of the Union earned a huge TV rating, with 53 million viewers watching. Which is why ABC now wants to put it on five nights a week.
After being denied a boxing license by the Nevada Athletic Commission, Mike Tyson told a reporter that Lennox Lewis was a coward. When the reporter pointed out that Lennox Lewis had nothing to do with the Commission’s decision, Tyson raped him.
Tina Fey: Dick Cheney appeared at his birthday party Wednesday with a bruised lip, after one of his dogs bumped into his mouth while playing. Leading many to ask, “What is up with this administration?!” Cheney’s got a bruised lip, Bush has a huge scrape on his face, Ashcroft has burn marks all over. Tell the truth – do you guys have a Fight Club? I think there’s a White House Fight Club!
Jimmy Fallon: Tina, you know the first rule of White House Fight Club.
Tina Fey: I know – Don’t talk about White House Fight Club.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. [ punches Tina in the face ]
NBC has ordered a full 22-episode season of “Fear Factor”. Oh, my God, that’s my biggest fear. Am I on “Fear Factor” right now? I give up.
Jimmy Fallon: A porn star named Ciccoline is considering a bid to enter the Hungarian Parliament, while the Hungarian Parliament is considering a bid to enter Ciccoline.
Seth Meyers: Joke Palindrome! Point, Fallon!
Jimmy Fallon: Yes!
Tina Fey: Now, here with news on the situation in Somalia, isa Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera.
[ cut to Geraldo Rivera standing outside of war-torn Mogadishu, Somalia ]
Geraldo Rivera: Tina, I’m here in Mogadishu. It’s the second stop on Geraldo Rivera’s Tour of Terror. Some of you may be familiar with this sorry, sorry city, which has been turned into a nightmarish road map to terror. Uh.. early this morning, a Somali sniper started shooting at me. Uh.. after he learned that I was here, apparently familiar with my award-winning work on Geraldo’s Tour of Terror. Uh.. now all the people here in this quaint Somali village are following me around. They’re chanting, “Ger-al-do! Boom-ba-yay! Ger-al-do! Boom-ba-yay!” Which, apparently, is an ancient Somali term meaning “Geraldo, you sexy man!”
Tina Fey: Geraldo, are the Somali terrorists trained by Osama bin Laden?
Geraldo Rivera: Tina, let me answer that. Just moments ago, uh.. the beast of a thousand scales, the prince of dasterdly deeds himself, uh.. Osama bin Laden, was here moments ago.
Tina Fey: Uh.. wait a minute. You actually met with Osama bin Laden?
Geraldo Rivera: Osama was here, I had him in a headlock, uh.. I hit Osama, I kicked him in his dasterdly groin. Then he and I briefly exchanged fisticuffsbefore Osama starting screaming, “Ooh, Geraldo! you sexy man!”
Tina Fey: Come on, Geraldo! That could not have been Osama bin Laden! According to Pentago sources, he’s nowhere near Somalia!
Geraldo Rivera: Tina, if that’s true, I’m truly sorry. Uh.. mistakes are made when you’re on a Tour of Terror.. uh.. I call them Terror Errors. These are errors that are on a Tour of Terror, uh.. [ holds finger to his earpiece ] Hold on, Tina, I’ve just been informed.. hold on.. ohh.. I’ve just been informed that the people of Mogadishu have declared me their king. Apparently, I am now their supreme ruler, uhh.. they’re going to rename Mogadishu, they’re going to call it Geraldo, You Sexy Manville. From Mogadishu, on the Tour of Terror, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.
[ back to Tina at the newsdesk ]
Tina Fey: Geraldo Rovera, everybody. He’s a big, big lair. He lies about stuff.
According to the New York Post, Will Smith is looking for an apartment to sublet in New York City, and is willing to pay $80,000 a month for it. In a related story, DJ Jazzy Jeff wants to know if you’re going to eat the rest of that.
The Justice Department has covered a nude statue that stands behind John Ashcroft during press conferences, because the statue’s exposed breasts made Ashcroft uncomfortable. Ashcroft says, if it were up to him, he’d just replace it with a different statue. [ boobs are replaced with genitals ]
An Italian man claims he has set a world record by creating a 330-gallon cup of cappucino. Sadly, moments after making the drink, the man suffered a massive heart attack. Not from drinking the cappucino, but from trying to dunk a huge viscotti.
Aryan nations leader, Ryan Redfairn, has announced his resignation. Redfairn says he is leaving the hate group so he can spend more time hating his family.
A female version of Viagra is expected to be released next year with the promise of giving women faster arousal and better orgasms. The pill is so strong, doctors warn the increased speed of arousal might cause Christina Aguilera’s vagina to time travel.
Tina Fey: Well, the Winter Olympics start next week, and no one is more excited about this than our own Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: [ holding guitar ] Thanks, Tina! The 2002 Winter Olympics start next week, and the theme song to the Olympics is “America”, by Neil Diamond. Now, no offense to Neil Diamond – that song’s good, but it’s twenty yars old. So I thought maybe I could change the words to some more recent songs, and see if they want to use those ones instead. You should highlight the evens, you know? Like downhill skiing.
[ singing variant of Five For Fighting’s “Superman” ]
“I can go downhill on the icy snow dressed up in my unitard where else can I go?
I’m only a man on two skinny red skis instead of cologne I’m wearing antifreeze.
Can’t even tell if I’m winning the race because snot is frozen on my face.
It’s not easy to downhill ski.”
And the Winter Olympics, they just happen to be in February, which is also Black History Month. I think that’s just perfect, considering how much black people love Winter sports.
[ singing variant of Ludacris’ “Roll Out” ]
“What in the world was on your mind? What you got on your mind? A couple of dudes with nosebleeds and its hard to breathe at that height with that hype people it’s just white people
‘Cause ain’t no homies play hockey. If it’s below 30 you can bite me. Turn off my Sony til you stop that. I’m gonna see a movie with a hot pack thaw out!”
But one good reason to tune in this year, is a new event called Skeleton, where an Olympian lays on this tiny metal sled on their stomach, and they go head first down the mountain. It’s insane.
[ singing variant of Nickelback’s “You Remind Me” ]
“Never made it as a luge man couldn’t hack it on the bobsled now you don’t have to remind me of how I will get hurt. You don’t have to remind me haven’t done it since the forties go down a mountain like 50 stories all the drugs that I’ll be takin’ for all the bones that I’ll be breakin’. I will cry I could die you’ll have to find my body at the bottom these few words in my head, saying, “Don’t die don’t die Don’t die on this sled.” Yeah, yeah please don’t die on this little sled!”
[ Neil Diamond enters the set ]
Neil Diamond: Hey! What’s wrong with my song?
Jimmy Fallon: Neil Diamond?
Tina Fey: Neil Diamond?
Neil Diamond: You bet your balls it’s Neil Diamond! You don’t think my song’s good enough for the Olympics. I’m here to change your mind. Listen to this, geniuses.
[ singing ]
“Everywhere! Around the world! They’re coming to America! Every time the flag’s unfurled! They’re coming to America! They’re coming to America! They’re coming to America!”
I’d like to introduce my friend, Gay Speedskating Hitler.
[ Gay Speedskating enters, Neil wraps his arm around him ]
Neil Diamond: “They’re coming to America!”
Come on! Everybody!
[ Geraldo River and Seth Meyers step out and sing along with Neil, Gay Speedskating Hitler, Tina and Jimmy ]
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon!
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Neil Diamond: [ into the audience ] Take your top off, lady!
[Opens with The Leather Man Shop, cuts to the inside.Everything leather in there. A hot blonde walks in,checks out the merchandise. The Leather Man isstanding behind his counter. He is dressed in an allblack leather suit and tie combo, buzzcut haircut,deep,grave voice]
Leather Man: Hello. Welcome to The Leather Man. Can Iget you into some leather?
Hot Blonde: Oh, no. I’m just looking. You have a nice store.
Leather Man: Yes, if you like leather. But I don’tlike leather. I love leather. He, he, he those pantsare 100% beautiful and 100% you and 100% leather. Trust me.
[Comes from behind the counter, his leather outfitcreaks loudly. The blonde picks a pair of leather pants]
Hot Blonde: Um, I like this pants right here. Do youhave this in my size?
Leather Man: Mmmm…[puts hand on chin, thinking,leather creaks]I don’t see them here.[bends over arack of leather clothing, leather creaks]Perhaps inthe back. Choo-Choo!
[Choo-Choo is an overweight dimwitted man in a leatherapron, he comes bopping side to side]
Choo-Choo: Yes, Leather Man?
Leather Man: This very beautiful young woman wouldlike to try some size—[bends, leather creaks]size 6 pants.
Choo-Choo: Size 6?
Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Smack! whips Choo-Choo in the chest]
Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiii!!!, aaaahaaaa! Good whip.[leaves]
[Jimmy tries not to laugh]
Leather Man: These pants will fit you like a glove.They’re made completely out of elephant ear.Sumptuous. [leather creaks]
Hot Blonde: Elephant ear?
Leather Man: Yeah, it’s very breathable. They keep thehot side hot and the cool side cool.[makes dancemoves, leather creaks. Choo-Choo arrives with thepants]Thank you, Choo-Choo. I’ll take it from here.Adios, amigos. Right this way.
[Choo-Choo leaves, his leather creaking too, LeatherMan locks arms with and takes the hot blonde into thefitting rooms stalls. She goes in, Leather Man stands guard]
Leather Man: There’s nothing to hide when you wearleather. It’s like a second skin.
[Choo-Choo is sneaking a peek into the blonde’s stall]
Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Smack! Whips Choo-Choo in the face]
Leather Man: Eventually you feel like you’re bucknaked, you learn to love it, it makes you feel kindof—[Leather Man’s enthusiastic explanation is with alot of hand movement and moving his torso so theleather creaking drowns out his voice]—-just overhere….right up—-[more creaking, then stops]….ifthat’s what you want.
Hot Blonde: What did you say?
Leather Man: It’s not important. Leather is important.Just try it on.
[A middle-age biker all in leather walks into the shop]
Leather Man: My, my,my Judge Lindenwell!
Judge Lindenwell: Leather Man!
[They hug and the leather creaking is intense]
Leather Man: How did those Edwardian boots work out?
Judge Lindenwell: Oh, they are beautiful. I nevershould have doubted you.
Leather Man: Well, I know my leather. What can I do for you today?
Judge Lindenwell: I’m compelled to buy a weddingpresent for my mother.
Leather Man: Well, is she registered here?
Judge Lindenwell: Of course.
Leather Man: Choo-Choo![Choo-Choo hops back in]TakeJudge Lindenwell to the bridal registry.[Smack!Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the belly]
Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiiii!!!,[Smack! secondwhipping]aaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiii!!!![Smack!thirdwhiping]yiyiyiyiyiyyaaaaaaahhhh!!!! Right this way,sir.[takes the judge to the counter. The judge opensleather-bound book and the leather book creaks as it opens]
[The hot blonde walks out of the fitting room stalland walks stiffly in brown leather pants, leather creaks]
Leather Man: Well, am I right? Or am i r-right?
Hot Blonde: Well, you know, actually they’re a littletight and noisy.
Leather Man: That’s leather’s way of letting you knowit likes you. It wants to get closer to you. Don’t beshy. Let it. Walk for me. Walk for the leather.
[The hot blonde walks rigidly in front of a mirror,she checks out her butt]
[A very rapid creaking is heard. Leather Man looksaround for where the noise comes from and he findsChoo-Choo masturbating in the fitting room stallschecking out the blonde]
Leather Man: Choo-Choo!, Choo- Choo!
[Horatio shows his hands and the masturbation leathercreaking sounds keeps going. Jimmy is cracking uphard. Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the face. Smack!]
Choo-Choo: Aaaaaaiiiii!!! aaaaaaaahhhh!!! [bounces ofthe walls of the stall]
[Jimmy comes back biting his lip to keep from laughing]
Hot Blonde: How much are these things? They look a little expensive.
Leather Man: Well, I’ll barter.
Hot Blonde: Barter? Do they still do that?
Leather Man: Well…
[A family walks into the store. They’re all inleather, leather creaks, even the 2 little kids]
Leather Dad:[explains]Back to school.
Kids: Hi, Leather Man!
Leather Man: Hey, kids![to the hot blonde] Hey, I wasthinking maybe we could…..[Between the Judge,Choo-Choo, the leather family and the Leather Manmoving, the leather creaks very, very loud drowningout what the Leather Man is telling the hot blonde inthe ear. The Hot Blonde slaps the Leather Man in theface and leaves the store. Leather creaking stops]
Leather Man: Ow, what’s her prob? That line usually works.
Choo-Choo: Hey, she didn’t pay for those pants.
[Smack!Leather Man whips Choo-Choo in the belly]
Choo-Choo: Aiiiiiiii!!!!aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Leather Man: After her everybody!
[Choo-Choo, Leather Man and Judge Lindenwell leave thestore after the hot blonde. The Leather family areleft all alone and start shoplifting, stealing everyleather item they can take]
Jingle: Interspecies friends, we ain’t kidding, mac, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet…
[Brian Fellows is seen walking in place and pointing at cartoon animals]
Voiceover: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a sixth grade education and an abiding love for all of God’s creatures. Share his love, tonight on.. [ musical interlude ] BRIAN FELLOW’S SAFARI PLANET! (end music)
[ show Brian sitting alone looking at camera ]
Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! [Salutes] I’m Brian Fellow! Today we gonna be meeting some animals with big ears. [Whispers] I bet they can hear me whisper! I’m very excited to meet some new friends. So let’s get goin’! Our first guest has some very good eyesight cuz he eats carrots. Please welcome a bunny rabbit!
[Gabby Connors enters holding a small white rabbit]
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Gabby Connors: I’m Gabby Connors, I work for the City ZooMobile in Santa Barbara.
Brian Fellow: Welcome, Barbara!
Gabby Connors: No, I’m Gabby..I’m from Santa Barbara!
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!!
Gabby Connors: Hi Brian, well today I’ve brought someone for you to meet… [ shows rabbit ] This is Riley..He’s one of our most popular animals on the zoo-mobile. He’s a three-year old short haired rabbit.
Brian Fellow: Why did you cut it’s hair so short?!
Gabby Connors: [ confused ] Um, actually I didn’t cut his hair, this particular rabbit has natural short hair…
Brian Fellow: Rabbits can’t cut they own hair! that’s CRAZY!!
Gabby Connors: [ smiling ] Of course rabbits can’t cut their own hair, no.
Brian Fellow: That’s what I said.
Gabby Connors: [ confused again ]- Well, You’re right, and even thought this rabbit’s coat is short, the coat is thick enough to keep him plenty warm in the winter nights.
Brian Fellow: I bet if he tried to cut his own hair, he might cut one of his ears off!
Gabby Connors: Well…I suppose so…But just like I said, this rabbit didn’t cut his own hair.
Brian Fellow: [ angered ]- Then why did you bring him here?! Get him out of here! [ Gabby leaves ] Next time, make sure he do what you say he do! [ to audience, still angered ] I’m very sorry about that, it’s inexcusable! Someone’s gonna lose they job over that! And I mean this! [ pauses, then smiles ] Our next guest has big ears too cause he likes to carry coffee beans and rocks…Please welcome a donkey! [ Doc Ellis enters pulling a donkey behind him on a rope ]
Doc Ellis: Hi, I’m Doc Ellis, from the Lancaster Children’s Petting Zoo.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!
Doc Ellis: Hello Brian! I’d like you to meet Jessie.
Brian Fellow: I already have a friend named Jessie. He fixes my car.
Brian Fellow: Did you see that haircut rabbit? With the short haircut?
Doc Ellis: Yeah I did.
Brian Fellow: That was CRAZY!
Doc Ellis: [ laughing ] It sure was, and although it might look like it, this donkey didn’t give himself a haircut.
Brian Fellow: I know that, I’m not stupid!
Doc Ellis: I- I was just kidding…
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!!! Let me ask you a question. Is a donkey and a mule the same thing?
Doc Ellis: You know, thats a very good question..
[ Doc keeps rambling…his voice eventually fades out… A thought bubble appears above Brian’s head showing a rabbit cutting its own hair]
Brian Fellow: [ laughing ] He’s CRAZY!!
Doc Ellis: What? What are you talking about?
Brian Fellow: The haircut rabbit!!
Doc Ellis: What? [ confused ] What haircut rabbit?
Brian Fellow: Just think about it!
Doc Ellis: [ thinks about the rabbit cutting his hair, then laughs ] He is crazy, you’re right!
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow! And thats all the time we have for today! Join me next time when we meet a flying squirrel. That sounds CRAZY!! I’m Brian Fellow!!
