Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Client #1…..Horatio Sanz Announcer…..Seth Meyers Client #2…..Ana Gasteyer Client #3…..Seann William Scott Client #4…..Chris Kattan Client #5…..Tracy Morgan
Client #1: Since I bankrupted, I can’t get approved for nothing!
Announcer V/O: Are you having a hard time getting approved?
Client #1: Yes! I said that!
Announcer V/O: Call the professionals at the Approval Center! We cna figure it out.. for you!
Client #1: They asked me a whole lot of stuff about things. [ a beat ] Now, I’m a-pproved!
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Client #2: After the tornado, I felt stuck! Then I called the Apprival Center. They asked me osme things – like my first name, and my last name.. And now I’m approved!
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Client #2: I can’t wait!
Client #3: I was trying to buy a fishing pole with a bad check. They said, “No way, Jose!” I tried to tell them that I needed it to fish with. They had me forcibly removed from the flea market. I was embarrassed for myselfand my date. That’s when I called the Approval Center. When they answered the phone, they said, “Guess what?” And I said, “What?” And they said, “You’re approved!” And I said, “Awesome!” And then they said, “Okay, bye.” And I said, “Bye!”
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Client #3: Thanks, Approval Center! Yeah!
Client #4: I never even called.. and they still approved me! I don’t know what.. I’m approved for.. but I know it feels really, really, really, really good! Finally! I’m approved!
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Client #5: I called the Approval Center, and they hooked me up! They just asked me a few questions, like “Do you want to be approved?” And I sai, “Yes!” And then they asked me, “Did you hear me ask you this question?” I said, “Yeah!” Then they said I was approved! Now my brother’s people will have to respect me! Because I was approved!
[ stamp zooms onto screen: “Approved!” ]
Jingle: “When you’re in a rut And you need a break! Call the Approval Center!”
…..Sean William Scott Silent Film Actor…..Horatio Sanz Gorgeous Woman…..Ana Gasteyer
Sean William Scott: Thank you, thank you, thank you. My name is Sean William Scott and I am hosting Saturday Night Live.Yeah, That’s right! Yeah. I know you probably know me best as Stiffler from the American Pie movies. But you know what, there’s more to me then just getting peed on. Yeah yeah, or drinking a beer that has some guy’s sperm in it. It’s true. I actually come from a long line of pretty distinguished actors.
My great-grand-father Reginold William Scott was one of the first silent film stars in American history (cheers) Yeah, I actually brought a clip from one of his movies made back in 1918, check it out!
(Black and white silent film style clip shown. Sean William Scott andHoratio Sanz are laughing. Horatio speaks the words are shown in the next frame in silent film fashion.)
SUPER: “Say there, Mr. S, care for a quaff of this tasty brew?”
(R.W. Scott takes a drink and speaks as if pleased, the words read…)
SUPER: “This is a grand ale fit for President Harding himself. What, pray tell, makes it so savory?”
(Horatio looks mischievous, says something. The frame reads…)
SUPER: “Why, mine own ejaculate of course”
(R.W. Scott looks discussed, pushes the cup away and appears to proclaim, “mother f–ker” the frame reads…)
SUPER: “Darn you!”
(cut back to Monologue)
Sean William Scott: Thank you, I’m proud of that one. They don’t really show it anymore. But a few years later my great grandfather William Bill William Scott made his mark in a series of detective thrillers. Here’s one of them.
(Cut to a black and white shot of a detective’s office. W.B.W. Scott sits at a desk while his voice narate the scene)
William Bill William Scott: I had just closed up for the night when five feet seven inches of trouble walked right into my door. A real knock out. I didn’t know whether to read her her rights or to ask her to marry me right then and there. She sat down and crossed those gorgeous gamms while I tried to play it cool. So I cracked open a beer and took a sip. Damm, some dude had jizzed in it.
(Cut back to monologue)
Sean William Scott: That was awesome! Thank you. Then my grandfather Bing William Scott stared in some of the first moviemusicals. Here’s one of them.
(Cut to a Technicolor street set in the middle of a rainstorm. To thetune of “Singing in the Rain,” B.W. Scott dances on in a rain coat andsings…)
Bing William Scott: “There’s semen in the beer There’s semen in the beer He jerked in it the cup and I totally drank it”
(chorus appears and sings) “He totally drank it, the beer with the jiz”
(dance around and end in typical musical poise)
(cut back to monologue)
Sean William Scott: That one was my favorite. I hope I can hold up to the Scott family tradition tonight. Anyway we have a great show Sum 41 is here. Stick around we’ll be right back.
Clerk #1…..Jimmy Fallon Clerk #2…..Seann William Scott Customer #3…..Horatio Sanz Boss…..Will Ferrell Customer #1…..Chris Kattan Customer #2…..Maya Rudolph
[open on clerks folding clothes]
Customer #1: Excuse me. You guys carry any DKNY?
[clerks sigh]
Clerk #1: We’re the ones that should be asking DKNY are you wasting our time? Leave.
Clerk #2: Leave now.
Customer #1: Oh, come on. It’s just that I don’t recognize any of the labels in the store.
Clerk #1: [throws garment down] Look, Corky. This is Jeffrey’s. Even our labels have their own labels. [showing his collar]This Salvadore Ferragamo label is made by Armani.
Clerk #2: Yeah, we work at Jeffrey’s. I use five different shampoos for the different hair types on my body. [conceited] That’s my deal!
Clerk #1: [sniffs at Clerk #2] Is that Sahag?
Clerk #2: Are you talking about my eyebrows or my coif?
Clerk #1: [to Customer #1] Now that that’s settled, you officially don’t exist, m’kay?
Customer #1: But I was only-
Clerk #2: Oh, great. You just triggered the boredom force field.
[clerks create imaginary force field around themselves]
Clerk #2: You can’t get in!
Clerk #1: Sorry.
Customer #1: Fine. I’m going to The Men’s Wearhouse. [sneers; exits]
Clerk #2: People shouldn’t.
Clerk #1: Yet they do.
Clerk #2: I know!
[Customer #2 walks up]
Customer #2: Excuse me. Hi. Can you tell me, do you think these pants make my butt look fat?
Clerk #1: Not at all. Your butt looks fat on its own.
Customer #2: What?! That is so rude!
Clerk #1: Look, this is Jeffrey’s. The highest size we carry is 0. Unless you’re on a steady diet of celery and Ex-Lax, you shouldn’t even think of shopping here.
Clerk #2: Now, why don’t you go get that ice cream? You know you want it!
Customer #2: [aggravated] Ooh! I hate this store! [walks away]
Clerk #1: That was toxic.
[clerks apply lotion to their hands in sync; continue folding clothes]
[Customer #3 struts in]
Customer #3: Howdy-do, gents? I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet with this place. Could you direct me to the-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come on, fellas.
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come on.
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Come-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: Co-
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Customer #3: C-
Clerk #1: No!
Clerk #2: No.
Clerk #1: Look. Hoping you just came from a Live Aid concert. It’s the only way my mind can comprehend that jacket you’re wearing.
Customer #3: [outraged] What?! This jacket is cool! As seen on Miami Vice!
Clerk #2: Miami Vice. Wow. Which one are you? Crockett? Or Tubbs?
[clerks Hmm sarcastically to each other; customer Hmms mockingly]
Customer #3: What are you guys telling me? I’m fat?
Clerk #1: I think the door told you that when you had to walk in here sideways.
Customer #3: [unsure] Well you should walk sideways and get my fist hit in your mouth and store outlet
Clerk #1: You happy with that? I don’t want you kicking yourself in your Dodge Omni on the way home, thinking that you should’ve said something remotely clever.
Customer #3: Oh really? Let me bring you guys in on a little something. The eighties are bizzack! Yeah. Just to let you know, I don’t drive a Dodge Omni. My mother picks me up at the bus stop! [laughs] Yeah. [makes hand gestures in front of clerks] Check mate, ding-dongs! [clicks tongue rapidly] Jackpot! Whoo! [exits]
Clerk #1: I can’t believe there are so many people in here that aren’t us.
Clerk #2: Tell me about it. I wish they’d just clone us so we’d have someone more acceptable to look at.
Clerk #1: [chuckles] I am tired.
[boss enters backwards in a motorized wheelchair]
Clerk #2: I’m exhausted! Are you exhausted?
Clerk #1: A little scooch.
Clerk #2: I’d like a nap.
Clerk #1: I’d like one of those Brookstone space blankets I can just stretch my spine on.
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Boss: [climbs off wheelchair] Gentlemen.
[cell phone rings]
Boss: [picks up large cell phone] Y’hello?
Clerk #1: Ha, look at that ancient cell phone he has.
Clerk #2: Look at how big it is!
Boss: [covers mouthpiece] Please. Big is the new small. Cami Diaz has one twice this size. [uncovers mouthpiece] What? Oh! I like that! Mm-hmm. Grand. We’ll see you then. [hangs up] Chloe Sevigny?
Clerk #1: That’s how you pronounce it.
Boss: Yes. She’s having an unveiling of Justine Bateman’s new line at a barbecue at her loft, okay? You two grab a car service, and I’ll meet you there.
[clerks grab their bags]
Clerk #1: You sure you don’t wanna go with us?
Boss: No, I’m taking my Prada jet pack. I’ll probably beat you there.
[clerks exit; boss flies around aimlessly with jet pack, knocking things over]
Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon Gobi…..Horatio Sanz Jason Stamper…..Seann William Scott DJ Jonathan Feinstein…..Seth Meyers Jeff…..Jeff Richards Jill Butt…..Rachel Dratch
[open on a user surfing to “Jarret’s Room” web page]
Jarret: Hey, what’s up, everybody? It’s me, Jarret. Back at Hampshire College for junior year numero tres. You’ll notice a few changes in the show. One, we got a house band, otherwise known as Hampshire College’s resident turntableist-DJ Jonathan Feinstein! [turns camera to DJ]
[DJ spins Daft Punk’s “One More Time”]
Jarret: You probably know Jonathan from last year’s Halloween party, when he played “Monster Mash” for eight straight hours.
[DJ switches to “Monster Mash”; Jarret looks puzzled]
Jarret: [to DJ] Come on, dude, you got four more weeks. [turns camera back] Next, you’ll see that I moved out of Lema Hall and into McGinn. I know what you’re thinking. That’s the dorm where they put all the psycho kids. But it also happens to be right next door to the dining hall. I can smell chickwiches all day long. So even though you’ll occasionally get a naked dude breaking into your room covered in his own poop, it’s totally worth it. Now returning to the show for an unprecedented sixth senior year is my best friend Gobi.
[Gobi enters with bongo drums; audience cheers and applauds]
Jarret: What’s up, man?
[Gobi sings Afroman’s “Because I Got High” aimlessly, then laughs incoherently]
Gobi: Hey, I got a joke for you.
Jarret: Cool, man. Let’s hear it.
Gobi: You know those chips they have? Baked Lays?
Jarret: Yeah
Gobi: Yeah, it’s like they’re chips, but also it’s like they’re smoking pot. [to camera] Baked Lays! [laughs; sits back down] Yeah. And also the word Lays.
Jarret: What?
Gobi: It’s like two jokes! [laughs] Oh man, it’s funny! [laughs again]
Jarret: Did you think of that all by yourself?
Gobi: Nope! My friend told me. [laughs]
Jarret: Great. Well, it’s the start of the new school year, and you know what that means-new freshmen. And [holds up Freshman Face Book] a new Freshman Face Book. So without further ado, we present the sixth annual Freshman Face Book Awards!
[Jarret and Gobi’s FRESHMAN FACEBOOK AWARDS appears on screen]
Jarret: Here to help us give out this year’s awards is a man who knows a thing or two about first years-they call him the Freshman 15, because every year he ends up getting with at least fifteen freshmen-pleasewelcome our good friend Jason Stamper!
[DJ spins “One More Time” as Jason enters]
Jarret: What’s up, Stamper?
Jason Stamper: [to camera] Two words! Kegg-er! To-night! [continuously] My place. Off campus. Beer pong. Flip cup. Jell-o shot. Booze loose. Quarters. [sits down] We’ve got an above-ground pool filled up with hot water. [conceited] It’s the largest hot tub you’ve ever seen. [back to normal] We got Jonathan Feinstein on the wheels of steel.
[camera turns to DJ; DJ spins “Monster Mash”]
DJ Jonathan Feinstein: [with Australian accent] Check me out this Sunday. I’ll be playing the Parent’s Weekend Waffle Brunch from 10 a.m. to 11:30.
Jarret: Dude, what’s with the accent? You’re from New Jersey.
[DJ angrily stops spinning]
DJ Jonathan Feinstein: [without accent] Not cool, man. Not cool, Jarret.
[camera turns back]
Jason Stamper: Anyway, our first Face Book award is for Best Name. [Gobi does drum roll on bongos] Thank you. And the winner is [to camera; very pronounced] Jill Butt!
[everyone laughs; picture of Jill Butt appears on screen]
Jarret: I mean, come on! You’ve been ridiculed through grade school, high school it’s college! Clean slate! Change your name already! The game hasn’t even started and you’ve already lost!
Jason Stamper: Next award is for Most Likely To Graduate A Virgin. [drum roll] And the winner is this guy!
[picture of Dennis Eschenberg, a man with unusual-looking braces, appears on screen]
Jarret: What a-what a goof! This guy couldn’t get laid getting off a plane in Hawaii!
Jason Stamper: Next award is the I Swear To God I’m Not A Narc award!
[drum roll]
[picture of Ian Tombelson, a man with an ancient-looking mustache, appears on screen]
Jarret: Nice mustache! Dude, is your middle name Not A Cop?
Jason Stamper: What is this guy, like, 50?
Jarret: Do you live at 21 Jump Street?
[Gobi laughs and wheezes; Jarret pats his back]
Gobi: That girl’s name was Butt!
[everyone laughs]
Jarret: Dude, are you high right now?
Gobi: Hold on. Hmm. Hmm. Yep!
[everyone laughs]
Jarret: Dude, it’s 9 in the morning.
Gobi: Wake and bake, dude! [laughs] It’s 4:20 somewhere!
Jason Stamper: No it’s not. Don’t you know how time zones work?
Gobi: Nope.
Jeff: [off screen] Shut up out there!
Jason Stamper: Who’s that?
Jarret: That’s our roommate, Jeff. He’s brand new. He got kicked out of his frat ’cause he kept taking dumps in the washing machine.
Jason Stamper: Oh.
[Jeff enters, punches Jarret in the shoulder, then sits down]
Jeff: Two for looking! I swear to God. If you freaks wake up the girl in my room, you’re dead.
[Jill enters]
Jill Butt: Hey Jeff, come back to bed.
[Jarret, Gobi and Jason try to suppress their laughter]
Jeff: What’s so funny? [frustrated] What’s so funny?
Jason Stamper: Hey Jeff, what’s your girlfriend’s name?
Jarret: [extending his hand] Uh, hi. Uh, Jarret Ass. Nice to meet you.
Jason Stamper: Yeah. I’m Jason Brown-Eye.
Gobi: Yeah. I’m Gobi Butt! II!
Jill Butt: You guys are jerks! [exits]
Jeff: You geeks are dead when I get back! [to camera] And by the way, Sigma Chi, just because you kicked me out doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop taking dumps in your washing machine. [exits]
Jarret: All right, that’s all the time we have today. I gotta go drink six Red Bulls before Jason’s party. DJ Jonathan Feinstein, take us OUT!
Steve Kmetko…..Will Ferrell Joan Rivers…..Ana Gasteyer Lisa Kudrow…..Maya Rudolph Calista Flockhart…..Rachel Dratch Garry Shandling…..Jeff Richards Della Reese…..Tracy Morgan Pamela Lee…..Amy Poehler Kid Rock…..Chris Kattan James van der Beek…..Seann William Scott Camryn Manheim…..Horatio Sanz Walter Cronkite…..Darrell Hammond
Steve Kmetko: Good evening, I’m Steve Kmetko. Welcome to E! 2001 Emmy’s Pre-Show. I know you’re used to seeing Joan Rivers in this role, but we’re keeping things a little reverent this year, cutting our pre-show coverage down to seven hours. I will be the lone host, as E! feels –
[ Steve is knocked down by a blowdart, which we discover was blown by Joan Rivers, who’s hiding behind a potted plant ]
Joan Rivers: Oh! Oh! Don’t be alarmed! It’s Joan Rivers! My apologies to Steve Kmetko, he’ll wake up eventually! E! said they didn’t want me this year, but I know how to behave, I can be respectful! I met Queen Elizabeth once, and I didn’t even offer her a milkbone or bark! I’m excited to be here! But only the level of excitement that is appropriate! Because Hollywood is dressing down for the occasion, very conservative! Theres less cleavage here than an Amish funeral, it’s wonderful! Oh! Lisa Kudrow! Lisa Kudrow!
Lisa Kudrow: Hi.. Joan..
Joan Rivers: Nominated for “Friends”, you look so plain tonight! God bless you!
Lisa Kudrow: Thank you. It’s important that we do this.
Joan Rivers: You’re always, always the plainest one on “Friends”! But tonight, you’ve really outdone yourself!
Lisa Kudrow: Thank you.. I think..
Joan Rivers: She’s wonderful! Go for it! Oh! Calista Flockhart! Who are you wearing?! Who are you wearing?! Who?!
Calista Flockhart: Gap Kids.
Joan Rivers: Now, normally, I would say you look like a broomstick with nipples, but I’m not gonna say that, because it’s wrong, it’s wrong! I thought you were wonderful at the telethon, so serious!
Calista Flockhart: Thank you. I-I-I-I felt serious. I-i-i-it’s so refreshing for all of us in Hollywood to think outside of ourselves.
Joan Rivers: I know, isn’t it great how we’re not self-obsessed any more! We’re not self-obsessed!
Calista Flockhart: Especially you, Joan.
Joan Rivers: No! You, Calista! Really!
Calista Flockhart: No, no, I-I-I think we’re all changed.
Joan Rivers: We’re not narcissistic anymore!
Calista Flockhart: I know, th-th-that’s all I can think about, is h-h-h-how I’m not narcissistic any more.
Joan Rivers: We’re truly wonderful, we’re just wonderful, wonderful people! Garry Shandling! Garry, how are you?
Garry Shandling: Calista, does my breath smell weird? [ giggles ] Is it me?
Joan Rivers: Garry Shandling, you’re dating Calista Flockhart, which is disgusting! It’s disgusting, it’s horrible, it’s absolutely horrible! But that’s not what tonight is about! Thank you for being here!
Garry Shandling: Is it, is it my breath? [ giggles ] Or is it your breath bouncing off of me? Because I know your breath is weird because you only eat Mrs. Dash! [ giggles ]
Calista Flockhart: Garry, you are embarrassing me!
Joan Rivers: Oh, look who’s here, Della Reese, “Touched By An Angel!” Oh! Oh! Della, now this is dressing down!
Della Reese: Hi, baby.
Joan Rivers: Oh, Della! Listen, I’ve been so cruel to you in the past, but tonight, in the spirit of patriotism, I’m gonna hold my tonuge, shield my eyes, and say you look gorgeous!
Della Reese: Uh, thank you, honey. You know, they told us to dress in busines attire, so I just wrapped my business in a Hefty bag with some electrical tape.
Joan Rivers: And it looks horrible! And by horrible, I mean solemn and appropriate! God bless you, you’re a wonderful, skunk-haired, crazy old woman! God bless you! Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock! It’s Joan Rivers, don’t be frightened, I’m different tonight. Pamela, I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever said about you looking like or being a whore!
Della Reese: Thank you.
Joan Rivers: You both are so wonderfully uninteresting, what have you done?
Pamela Lee: Um.. well.. I had my jugs taken out.. and I’m auctioning them off on eBay for that United Way fund thing.
Kid Rock: I’ll miss that one the most.
Joan Rivers: A couple of true patriots! So patriotic! [ Pamela and Kid french kiss with open mouthes ] Wonderful! And I understand, out of respect, that you did not have sex in the limo on the way over here tonight, that’s so wonderful!
Pamela Lee: No, it just didn’t seem right.
Kid Rock: So we only had oral sex.
Joan Rivers: God bless you both, God bless! Oh! James van der Beek! You’re not nominated, but what a statement, oh! What are you wearing!
James van der Beek: Joan, this is a Hugo Boss suit covered in manure. Dressing down is simply not enough – I sat under a horse. To send a message to the enemy that we will not let them stop us from living our lives as normal.
Joan Rivers: Message sent, back to normalcy! Oh, and look at this – Camryn Manheim! Oh! Oh, Camryn, I love you, everyone loves you, you’re fat and you’re fun!
Camryn Manheim: Joan, I want to tonight express the freedoms we all have as Americans.
Joan Rivers: [ acknowledging the smudges on Camryn’s dress ] Now, are you also in manure?
Camryn Manheim: No, this is chocolate. I’ve been under a lot of stress. Since this thing happened, Ive just been watching the WE channel and eating Pillsbury frosting.
Joan Rivers: Oh, Camryn, this is driving me crazy! I have so many horrible things that I’m just dying to say to right now! I want to say that you look like a plus-sized Oompa-Loompa, but that’s wrong! It’s wrong! She looks like Lady Godiva after she te the horse, but I can’t say that, and it’s killing me! It’s killing me, oh!
Camryn Manheim: Joan, is your forehead crying?
Joan Rivers: No, thats where my tear ducts are now! You don’t even want to see where I sneeze! What does it all mean!
Walter Cronkite: Joan, what you do is important to the country –
Joan Rivers: Walter Cronkite! You’re opening the show tonight, please put it all in perspective for me!
Walter Cronkite: Well, Joan, your shallow, vicious remarks are the ultimate expression of free speech. If we suppress you simply on the grounds that you’re a hateful, hatchet-faced bitch, surely they will have beaten us.
Joan Rivers: Walter, your words have given me the courage to say, “You look like an Albino bassett hound in that suit!”
Walter Cronkite: [ chuckles ] That’s my girl!
Joan Rivers: Oh! You look like Bea Arthur had sex with a raisin! We’ll be right back!
President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I’d like to address my remarks tonight to Mr. Osama bin Laden.
Buddy, you screwed up big time. Guess what, Amigo. I’m coming to get you. I’m not alone, either. The American people are right behind me. You see, you made a big mistake. If you had any brains, you would have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or maybe a Beard-Off. You might have won that because I dont have a beard. And when I do, it comes in patchy. But no, you messed up. Because if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s punishing evil-doers. You don’t believe me, there’s over 200 guys in Texas you can ask. Well.. you can’t ask them right now, but you’ll have a chance real soon. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see your face when you went to the Kabul ATM to get some Quick-Cash. I bet it said “Insufficient Funds”. That’s right – we froze your assets. It probably ate your card, too.
Make no mistake: we’re coming for you, bin Laden. I’m gonna make you my own personal “Where’s Waldo”. And unlike those frustrating Waldo books, I’m gonna find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow. There might be special operatives outside your cave right now, who knows? Just remember, I’ll see you real soon. Because you violated rule Numero Uno: You messed with Texas. That’s right. Don’t mess with Texas.
I just want to say thank you, and, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan Paula Zahn…..Amy Poehler Guitar Guy 1…..Jimmy Fallon
Antonio Banderas: Hello.I’m Antonio Banderas. I am-actor. Welcome to the– How do say?– ah yes- show. This is my first show back, in several weeks.When the network asked me to come back to work, i did not know how to do the response.and with all this crazy stuff going around and trying to catch the evil, evil Dalai lama– In my head i think to myself how can i be this sexy?.I look the sexy, but i don’t feel the sexy.
Guitar guy 1: Sexy, you are sexy my friend, you are so the sexy.Guitar guy 2>Completely sexy.
Antonio Banderas: This is true. But before – before we continues, i must get together something off my very, very sexy chest.– I am not a military coup.But i know from playing the Zorro’s, that Zorro’s always believed that you look your enemy in the eye, you wear a mask, but you look in the eye and you make a “Z”, and you wqear a black blouse and a cape. This is what you must do.
Guitar guy1: Very sexy.
Antonio Banderas: Si. But for now we are going to change the show a little bit. We are going to talk to the peoples who do the hard news. Please welcome from the CNN-N-N-N-N news, The Paul Zahn.(Antonio Banderas stands up)
Antonio Banderas: Thank you for coming on this very not-sexy episode of me.
Paula Zahn: It’s a pleasure Antonio.
Antonio Banderas: No, Please, Thank You. Now i’ve been doing the research here for this thing. I read a — How do you say?– ah yes– Book. I also rented the “Rambo 2”, the “Private Benjamin”, the “Kramer versus Kramer”, “The Goonies” and “Zorro” for refreshment.
Antonio Banderas: (raises his hand) Question.
Paula Zahn: Ah, yes.
Antonio Banderas: How would you catch this terrible, terrible Dalai Lamas?
Paula Zahn: Well, Antonio I don’t believe you’re thinking of the Dalai Lama, but the fact is, this is going to be a long-term process. The military has been in—
Antonio Banderas: Wait a minutes here, hold your phones. I can’t help but notice your short skirt barely concealing your friendly wolf blitzers.
Paula Zahn: What are you talking about?
Antonio Banderas: I think i’m feeling the sexy.It’s getting hot in here, no?
Guitar guy 1: No, no don’t do it, it’s too sexy my friend, don’t do it.
Antonio Banderas: You’re right, it’s not time for a sexy
Paula Zahn: Now Donald Rumsfeld said..
Antonio Banderas: (stands up) But i must! (Opens his shirt)Ha!
Antonio Banderas: I’m sorry . Let’s talk about this. How do you say? oops. (Drops a book on the floor), I’m sorry could you please possibly pick that up for me?
Paula Zahn: Sure, I’ll get that for you.(stands up, and bends)
Antonio Banderas: Thank you very much. Freeze. Let me just take a mental polaroid of you. Click!, zzzzzch, ah, it came out to blury. One more.
Paula Zahn: (stands up) Did you just take a picture of my ass?. i am a journalist. Im a CNN anchor. I deal with Power Breakers and Dignitaries everyday. If i wanna be treated like a blonde piece of meat then i should have stayed at Fox News. You are ill-informed, sweaty and you stink like astro-glide and aftershave.
Antonio Banderas: (smiles) hahaha. It is very hot in here ,no?
Guitar guy 1: No, No, don’t do it , it’s too sexy, not today, manana,manana,not today
Antonio Banderas: Are you sure?, Not today?, Today?
Guitar guy 1: Please. There are children at home.
Antonio Banderas: But I must (takes off his shirt)(grabs Paula and hugs her)- Now is the time I give you 2 minutes and i give you the sex.
Paula Zahn: Freak!
Antonio Banderas: But I rented “The Goonies”! (Paula kicks Antonio)- I think i just coughed up my nards.
Guitar guy1: Cough up your nards, too sexy my friend, you’re too sexy.
Antonio Banderas: She’ll be back. For Paula Zahn, she’s like the Laverne, and I.. I’m like a Shirley. And together we will Schlemizl, Schlamazels and then we will have the sex incorporated, but you know what I’m saying. We will see you next time on the– How do you say?– ah yes!. Show.
Grandmaster Freddy…..Tracy Morgan Ken Stein…..Chris Kattan Zola…..Maya Rudolph Big Perv…..Dean Edwards Murphy…..Jeff Richards Dina Dexter…..Pink Robert Saltzman…..Josh Hartnett
Announcer: Live, from the Albany Projects in Brooklyn, U.S.A., it’s “The Shout-Out Show”! With your host, Grandmaster Freddy!
Grandmaster Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! This is Grandmaster Freddy! And this is “The Shout-Out Show”! First of all, I gotta give a Big Dog shout-out to the audience, ’cause y’all doin’ big things! [ audience applauds wildly ] That’s right! A’ight! And I’d also like to give a big shout-out to my station manager, Ken Stein!
Ken Stein: [ humbled ] Thanks, Grandmaster! Shout-ut to you, too! Ha ha!
Grandmaster Freddy: Let’s not forget to give a special shout-out to our official sponsor – Sobe Sports Drink! Sobe! Just drink it! And a special shout-out goes to your Airness, Michael Jordan! Your wife Juanita about to take yo ass to the cleaners! So keep your head up, baller! Hey, Juany – give me a call tomorrow, baby!
Now, we gonna head straight to the phone lines, so all you cats out there can make sopme shout-outs! So make ’em laugh – do the damn thing! First caller, you on “The Shout-Out Show”!
Zola: Hey, Freddy! I’d like to give a shout-out to all my co-workers in housekeeping at the Brooklyn Comfort Inn!
Grandmaster Freddy: Big minimum wage shout-out to housekeeping over at the BK Comfort Inn! You know you who is!
Zola: I also wanna shout-out to my sister, Avia Raedell, who’s over in the Army Reserve – gotta shout you out, girl!
Grandmaster Freddy: That shout’s going out to G.I. Jane, who’s serving Uncle Sam!
Zola: And I’d like to give a special shout-out to the makers of Valtrex, for helping me with my herpes problem!
Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight! Medicinal shout-out to Valtrex! We gotta move on! Next caller!
Big Perv: Hey, yo, yo! Freddy! Yo, this is Big Perv from up North, yo! I’d like to give a crazy shout-out to the three females who’s currently pregnant by me!
Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight! Unwanted pregnancy shout-out to the knocked-up chicks in your life!
Big Perv: Yo, and I want to shout-out my three kids – Pervis, Jr., Delronna, and Felsgar! Daddy loves you, be out in 2005 – peace!
Grandmaster Freddy: Dysfunctional shout-out to your boys! Next caller, you’re on “The Shout-Out Show” with Grandmaster!
Murphy: Hey, Grandmaster, hey! I’d like to send a major shout-out to all the guys in Mergers and Acquisitions at Merryl Lynch, and, oh..! Also, a shout-out to Pierre Desomaliar in Pinchot Lane.. and another shout-out to my bud Tucker at the Shag Harbor Yacht Club! [ chuckles ]
Grandmaster Freddy: Big Caucasian shout-out to all those dudes – all those square ones – from another lame white boy! Just time for y’all favorite segment – the Shout-Out of the Week! This week’s winner is from Hell’s Kitchen, here in New York. How ’bout a shout-out for Dina Dexter!
[ Dina Dexter enters set ]
Dina Dexter: What’s up, chickenheads! First of all, I want to give a shout-out to all the girls I work with outside the 8th Ave. entrance to the Port Authority Bus Terminal! I love you all! Except for Nisha – I know you ate my fish sandwich, bitch! And when I find you, I’m gonna cut you up! [ exits ]
Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to all the street walkers outside the Port Authority – minus the fish sandwich girl who’s gonna get cut! Now, it’s time for my guest. He’s an associate director of the city harvest – check this out, it’s a food rescue program! how ’bout a warm shout-out to Robert Saltzman!
[ Robert Saltzman enters set ]
Grandmaster Freddy: What’s up, damn! Oh, man, give me some love, babe!
Robert Saltzman: What’s up?
Grandmaster Freddy: Sit down, have a seat, dog! [ they sit ] All right! Welcome, Robert, to “The Shout-Out Show”!
Robert Saltzman: Word, man! Thank you, thank you!
Grandmaster Freddy: Alright! So, who you gonna shout-out first?!
Robert Saltzman: Well, you know, as Associate Director of the City Harvest, I’d like to give a big shout-out to al the volunteers, who, you know, are leading the battle against hunger, and against all the, uh.. against hunger, basically.
Grandmaster Freddy: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Big non-profit shout to the City Harvest!
Robert Saltzman: Yeah. Well, as you know, there are five million pounds of food thrown away each year by New York restaurants.. and, at the same time, almost a million people go hungry, and half of them children.
Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to starving children!
Robert Saltzman: Well, uh.. I don’t think you really.. no, I’m sure you don’t mean that. Hey, uh.. starving children are not who you should be giving a shout-out to, right?
Grandmaster Freddy: Nah, nah, it don’t work that way, period! This “The Shout-Out Show”, cuz!
Robert Saltzman: Yeah, but.. I’m talking about single mothers in poverty here.. I’m talking about women who are malnourished to the point that they stop having regular menstrual cycles.
Grandmaster Freddy: Big, big gynecological shout-out to irregular menstrual cycles! And on that note, another shout-out to our sponsor! Sobe!
Robert Saltzman: Listen, man, we met one family that was so desperate for food, they were forced to eat garbage!
Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to eating garbage!
Robert Saltzman: Why would you give a shout-out to eating garbage?! Innocent people are starving right here, in this city!
Grandmaster Freddy: Special shout-out to dead people! [ laughs ] We are about out of time, any upcoming projects you wanna tell us about?
Robert Saltzman: Yeah.. I was gonna tell..
Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!
Robert Saltzman: I was..
Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!
Robert Saltzman: I was gonna talk about..
Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!
Robert Saltzman: ..the City Harvest Walk-a-Thon..
Grandmaster Freddy: A’ight!
Robert Saltzman: ..that we planned to draw awareness to both the feeding of the hungry, and drig abuse!
Grandmaster Freddy: Shout-out to drug abuse! A’ight! [ Robert storms off the set ] Shout-out to the cat that just walked off my show! Dig this here! That’s it for this week! I’d like to give a final shout-out to the New York Jets, who unfortunately ate it earlier tonight! Like those homeless people eating garbage! Do the damn thing!
Robert Goulet Will Ferrell Voice Over Darrell Hammond Watson Darrell Hammond Michael Crawford Hugh Jackman Elf Chris Kattan
Robert Goulet: [singing] “Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling ding ding ding-a-ling diiiing Its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with youuuuu.”
Hello. Robert Goulet here. Its that time of year again. Fruitcakes, mistletoe, channukahs. The whole bag. You know, its the holiday season and we over here at the USA Network have cooked up a doozy. Its the Robert Goulet All Holiday Special, taped live here in fabulous Lake Tahoe, Nevada.
[singing] “Come, they told me, pa-ra-pa-pa-pum A new born king to see da-ba-doo be-doo-be-doo-beee.”
Stuff like that. And dont worry therell be some Jewish stuff, too.
The dreidel song! But believe me, it doesnt stop there. Do you like classic rock and roll?
[cuts to Robert Goulet in very bad red and yellow suit singing Proud Mary with back up singers]
Voice Over: Its the Robert Goulet All Holiday Special. Music, dancing and hilarious comedy spoofs written by Robert himself!
[Cuts to Robert Goulet in Sherlock Holmes costume]
Robert Goulet: Watson! Get in here. Ive discovered a clue!
Watson: What is it, Mr. Sherlock Holmes? [Starts laughing]
[Both laugh uncontrollably as Robert Goulet pulls out a large pair of womens underpants from the dresser]
Robert Goulet: Its Monica Lewinskys undergarments! [Cracks up laughing] Oh, I love this political stuff! Well cut all this, dont worry
Voice Over: Its Goulet, Robert Goulet, along with Broadways hottest stars. Like Michael Crawford.
[Cut to Michael Crawford in Phantom of the Opera costume and Robert Goulet wearing a lopsided mask over the top of his sunglasses]
Robert Goulet: [singing] “Floating, falling. Sweet intoxication.”
Michael Crawford: [singing] “Touch me, trust me. Savour each sensation.”
Robert Goulet: “Let the dream begin.”
Michael Crawford: “Let your darker side give in.”
Both: “To the power of the ”
[Goulet falters and Crawford begins to show him up]
Michael Crawford: “ music that I write. The power of the music of the niiiight!”
[Goulet punch Crawford in the stomach]
[Cut to Robert Goulet on rooftop with Elf]
Robert Goulet: [singing] “Up on the rooftop reindeer paws, Out jumps good old Santa Claus. Down through the chimney with lots of toys, All for the little ones Christmas joys.”
Elf: [singing] “Ho! Ho!Ho! Who would know? Ho! Ho!Ho! Who would know?”
Robert Goulet: [begins singing] “Up on the rooftop ” [slips and falls off roof] Ow! Ow! If I didnt break my arm it sure as hell felt like I did No, I see the bone, I definitely broke it.
[Cuts to Robert Goulet with his arm in plaster as well as Michael Crawford, Elf and back-up singers]
Robert Goulet: So join me, Robert Goulet, and all my friends. Whaddya say we bring this puppy home?
[singing] “Hurry home for Christmas Hurry home for Christmas.”
Do you smell smoke?
[Room starts to fill with smoke]
“Hurry Home for Christmas Till youre home for Christmas Daaaay I smell smoke! Till you get here jingle, dingle, jingle not a single day ”
Good God thats a lot of smoke! Whats going on here?
[Cast starts to walk off stage]
“Since youve been away dearNo reindeer have come here ”
Everyones clearing out, thats interesting.
“Santa Claus, of course, dear Za ba doo ba…”
It might have been my cigar, I dont know! [camera frame drops] Hey! Camera Man! You cant leave, what are you doing? Oh boy, this special is doooomed.
“Da ba doo da be doo ”
[begins talking to stuffed goat on stage]
Whats that, Clive? No I dont speak Spanish. What sort of question is that? Have you been drinking? [to camera] Oh well, just watch the show. Happy Holidays everyone
Voice Over: The Robert Goulet All Holiday Special: look for it!…. Sometime.
