01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
My Big Thick Novel
Jack Handy V/O:
Chapter 917.
“As I popped off my helmet, I let out a sigh; at least, that’s what I told the martians it was.”
Category: 2001
Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
Dick Cheney’s Snowglobe
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Lynn Cheney…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan
[ open on exterior, mountain area ]
[ SUPER: “An Undisclosed Location” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Vice-Presidnet Dick Cheney seated at desk ]
Lynn Cheney: Dick, it’s late. It’s late, and it’s Christmas Eve. Come to bed, we’ve got a big day tomorrow.
Dick Cheney: I want to finish up some up this paperwork. Besides, no one’s going to visit us tomorrow, because they don’t now where we are.
Lynn Cheney: You’re a good man, Dick.
Dick Cheney: I try.
Lynn Cheney: Good night.
Dick Cheney: Good night, sugar. [ she exits ] Boy, what a year. Who could have foreseen this year, these things in store for us? Who could have foreseen the challenges that we’re now facing as a nation? [ holds up snowglobe ] how ya doing, buddy? Oh, we’ve seen a lot of Christmas together, the good and the bad. Remember that time I talked my buddy into sticking his tongue into that frozen mailbox? George was there so long that we almost missed the inauguration. Yeah. Looking at you, Tiny Tim, Ebenezer Scrooge, Tiny Tim’s mom, his dad.. I yearn for the simpler days. I know you can’t make it all go away, Snow Globe, but I know that your simple tone will always give me a few minutes of peace and joy. Thanks, Snow Globe. Thanks a lot.
[ camera zooms in on the snowglobe, whose characters bear suspicious resemblance to Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan ]
[ suddenly, Horatio, Jimmy, Chris and Tracy come alive, breaking into their familiar Christmas ditty ]Horatio Sanz: One…
[ Jimmy turns on keyboard ]
Horatio Sanz: One…
Jimmy Fallon: Two…
Horatio Sanz: One-
Jimmy Fallon: Two-
Horatio Sanz: Three-
Jimmy Fallon: Four!
[ they start playing ]
Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care what your momma says-
Christmas is coming fast!”
Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care what your poppa says-“
Horatio Sanz: “Christmas is gonna be a super bla-ast.
I don’t care if you think it’s cool-
You’d better get ready for a sweet-ass yule!
I don’t care what the papers say-
Christmas is number one.“
Horatio and Jimmy: “I don’t care about your grandma’s lies-
Christmastime equals fun-“
Horatio Sanz: “I don’t care if you think I’m a goof-
I want to hear Santa landing on my roof.”
Horatio and Jimmy: “I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!
I wish it was Christmas todaa-ay!”
[ they stop playing, and bow to the audience ]
Botox
Botox
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Winona Ryder
…..Amy Poehler
Ana Gasteyer: I deserve a younger me..
Voiceover: Botox.
Maya Rudolph: I’m not ready to lose my.. “wow”!
Voiceover: Botox.
Winona Ryder: I want a paralyzed face, but I’m too young for a stroke.
Voiceover: Botox.
Ana Gasteyer: It gently smoothes away wrinkles the natural way.
Amy Poehler: By crippling the nervous tissue in your face.
Maya Rudolph: With a diluted strain of deadly bacteria.
Voiceover: Deadly bacteria.
Winona Ryder: It’s like a little stroke you shoot into your head with a needle. I like that.
Maya Rudolph: If someone told you all you had to do to get younger-looking skin was to inject a syringe full of military-grade neurotoxin into your face every three weeks.. wouldn’t you do it?
Ana Gasteyer: Of course, you would! [ needle is inserted into her forehead ]
Amy Poehler: Poison to the face – why didn’t they think of this before? [ chuckles with delight as needle is injected into her forehead ]
Maya Rudolph: Botox. It’s not just for ethnic cleansing any more. [ needles are injected into her forehead and chin ]
Voiceover: Botox. Ask your doctor.
[ four women are seen drooling at the mouth from the poison injections ]
Winona Ryder: [ mumbling ] Botox. A younger-looking you is just a needle full of poison to the face away.
Ellen Degeneres’ Monologue
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
Ellen Degeneres’ Monologue
…..Ellen Degeneres
Ellen Degeneres: Wow, thank you very much! This is very exciting, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. It’s my first time, and it’s an honor and a thrill. And I love New York. This is exciting to be in New York. And I really do, you know? There are a lot of people who say it, but they don’t actually mean it. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. She said it, but I don’t buy it. You know, she’s gone as far as to get an apartment here – “Oh, I live here!” I don’t have an apartment here, you know? And I very rarely come here, so I mean it, I really do love New York.
And I love that I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I love a lot of the cast members, they’re fantastic. you know, some are not, but a lot of them are really good, so it’s really great to be here. They’ve been so nice to me all week long. Well, of course they have to be nice to me – I’m the host. Also, I go and tell the press that they’re homophobic, so they have to be nice.
But that’s another thing I should probably tell you – I’m not gay. I’ll tell you what happened – I was at a party, it doesn’t matter whose house it was, but.. alright, it was Mario van Peebles’ house. So, anyway, I’m with a whole bunch of people hanging out at the above ground pool, just a bunch of people, names are not important. Anyway, everyone’s telling stories, and everybody’s trying to top each other.. so LeVar Burton says he just went to Cancun. And then Gary Busey says, “I just got a mini-fridge.” And, if that’s not making me feel bad enough, then Kathy Griffin says, “I’m gonna start parting my hair down the side instead of in the middle.” You know, where do I go, what do I do to top that? So I said, “I’m gay.” And that shut them up.
But then the press got a hold of that and just went nuts with it and everything, and I thought I should just run with it, free publicity, it’s gonna be wonderful for my career. So I have to take a moment right now, though, and thank my wonderful husband Jerry. He’s been so supportive, staying home and keeping the house nice, while I’m out gaying it up, fruiting up the town, $3 billing it, throwing the old wet frisbee, winking at the pastor, all the things gays do. Anyway, he’s not complaining, he’s at home with a brand new ping-pong table and George Foreman Grill. So, God bless you, Jerry, it really takes a special man to put up with that.
Actually, it’s worked out pretty well for me, you know? One thing I’ve learned is, if you want to be America’s sweetheart, tell them you’re gay. It’s actually been fantastic, because people expect it from me, so I guess I’m gonna stick with it for a while – as opposed to other people.
We have a great show. No Doubt is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Well, all in all a pretty hilarious news week, huh? A lot of very funny news this week.
First of all the Bush administraton released the newest Osama bin Laden tape, which, if you haven’t seen it, it’s like a cross between a boring wedding video and every nightmare you’ve ever had. It’s on video, rent that one.
Israel and Palestine are getting worse and worse every day. These people hate each other so much that they are fighting over a piece of land the size of a Wendy’s. The’re fighting over a piece of land so small, they could only have an above-ground pool on it. piece of dirt so little, that if you found it inyor salad, you wouldn’t even send it back. It’s crazy.
And then on Wednesday, George Bush pulled out of the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Policy, a decision Russia is calling a “big mistake”. But it’s not a mistake – we’ve got that cool missile defense system, that thing’s ready to go, right? No? It’s not? They haven’t invented it yet? Oh, they could never do it, it’s impossible? Oh, great.
Then, they find more anthrax in Washington, in a place they had already “de-thraxed.” Guess they’re not as good as cleaning out the “thrax” as they thought they were! Good thing we never found any anthrax in this building… oh wait, we totally did!
So anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Good night! [ lays head down on newsdesk ] Back to you, Jimmy.
American Express announced that it’s cutting 6,500 jobs, its third round of layoffs this year. When told of the firings, a spokesman for Mastercard said, “Priceless.”
NBC will become the first broadcast television network to accept commercials for hard liquor in over 50 years. Not to be outdone, Fox is now showing ads for crack.
Tina Fey: With security tightened at U.S. airports, many travelers say that security patdowns are too initmate and intrusive, and are going too far, even among flight crews. One stewaress reported that, while being given a patdown, the hand of the female securrity guard cupped her breast, then lingered there before slowly moving down to explore her hard, taut belly. She became flushed as the woman’s hot breath filled her ear, while she slipped her other hand under her skirt, meandering up her thigh, until she found what she had been looking –
[ cut to “Please Stand By” graphic ]
[ cut back to Tina leaning back in her chair, and Jimmy pretending to smoke a pencil like a post-coital cigarette ]
Jimmy Fallon: Wow, that was a great joke… [ motions to touch Tina’s shoulder ]
Tina Fey: Don’t touch me!
Snoop Dogg is predicting that GM stock will go up with the introduction of his limited-edition Snoop Deville Sedan. Especially since it was named “Best New Sedizun of the Yizun” by Cizzun and Drizun Magazizzin.
One of Osama bin Laden’s estranged wives is claiming that, rather than be captured, bin Laden has always planned to kill himself on television. “Of course,” she added, “he’s also been telling me he’s gonna put up that ceiling fan in our cave for, like, two years, so I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Playboy has launched a line of men’s underwear and loungwear, ranging from silk Hefner pajamas to glow in the dark shorts. The lines expected to be a big seller among guidos.Tina Fey: Here now, with ideas for romantic holiday gifts, is our own Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Tina! You are looking good, as always. We will talk about that at the party, because you make my heart beat, girl!
So, now is the time to buy Christmas presents for your wife, and you don’t have to spend a lot of money to show you care. Like, here’s one idea – make up a little coupon book with things like “Good for one free back rub”. I gave one to my eife last year. It had coupons like a “Come Home Now” card, which means anytime, day or night, she could call me wherever I was, and I would leave the strip club immediately and come home right away, or at least in a few hours.
I also gave her a coupon for a fancy romantic dinner. Now, you may ask do I consider spicy buffalo wings at the dog track a fancy dinner? Yes, I do!
Tina Fey: Tracy, your wife might like it if you bought her something from an actual store.
Tracy Morgan: Well, Tina, there’s always the classics, like a nice pair of Isotoner gloves, or a Toni Morrison book, or a bag of weed. Now that’s a gift that keeps on giving. But dudes that really want to make Christmas romantic, here’s what you do – you go, you find yourself a nice Victoria’s Secret store, you buy some dirty-looking thongs and slide it under the tree, and tell her you can’t wait to see her in it. Because it’s all about making her think that when you two are doing it that you’re actually thinking about her. Now, we all know that you ain’t. You’re thinking about Toni Braxton or Jada Pinkett, or, in my case, the chubby red-headed girl that works in the NBC store downstairs. You know who you are, girl – you’re thick, you’re thick, you’re thick! [ growls ]
Now, I don’t feel bad about saying all this about my wife, because she sure as hell ain’t thinking about me. How do I know? ‘Cause my name ain’t Denzel! Merry Christmas, everyone!
Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everybody.
Ingless, Florida Mayor Caroline Ricsher made headlines last week when she officially banned Satan from her town. So with a tear in his eye, Satan packed his bags and left, vowing one day to return to Florida – for your souls!
It was reported that Bryant Gumbel and his girlfriend Hillary Quinnlynn got engaged last week. The couple are planning a white wedding – very, very white.
Jimmy Fallon: Monday marks the star-studded premiere of “The Lord of the Rings” starring Elijah Wood as Frido and Ian McKellen as Randolph.
Tina Fey: Wait, I think you mean Frodo and Gandalf –
Jimmy Fallon: Nerd Alert! Nerd!!
A scientist for the Wildlife Preservation Society is the first person to ever discover homosexual behavior in wild orangutans. When asked exactly how he discovered homosexual behavior, the scientist got really quiet.
Gary Busey was arrested for alleged abuse after his ex-wife Tiani complained the actor had abused her. To be fair, Busey had warned her not to sit so close to his enormous teeth on Steak Night.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, this is the last live show in 2001.
Tina Fey: That’s right, and on December 31st, at midnight, we will not only say goodbye to 2001, we will also say goodbye to our mayor. Ladies and gentlemen, his Honor, Mayor Rudolph Guiliani.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you very much!
Tina Fey: Now, Mr. Mayor, when your term ends on December 31st, you’ll be leaving City Hall, which raises the question – do you have to? Do you have to leave?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Yes, Tina, I have to.
Jimmy Fallon: Where are you going? Can we come with you?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: No, Jimmy, you can’t go with me. Where I’m going is a lonely frontier of risk and solitude. A place no man has ever before dared to go. It’s not a place for tender beginners like you.
Jimmy Fallon: I thought you were going to be a consultant or something.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Whatever. You can’t come with me.
Jimmy Fallon: Understood. Well, we’d like to send you off with a little play we wrote. Tina will be playing the role of New York City, and I will be playing the role of you. [ places strip of costume hair across his head ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: How’s that look like me?
Jimmy Fallon: That’s your combover! [ starts to sing ]
“Tonight, you’re mine, completely
You gave your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?”
Tina Fey:
“Tonight, with words unspoken
You say that I’m the only one.”
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani:
“But will my heart be broken?
When the night meets the morning sun?”
Tina Fey:
“I’d like to know that your love
Is a love I can be sure of.”
All:
“So tell me now, and I won’t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?”
Tina Fey: Will we still love you tomorrow? We’ll see.
Jimmy Fallon: We’re New Yorkers, what do you expect?
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: From New Yorkers, I expect nothing less.
Tina Fey: And we, as New Yorkers, want to thank you for holding us together in the hardest time we’ve ever known.
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: And I’m Rudy Guiliani. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Bearologist
Bearologist
Dr. Matthews…..Will Ferrell
Kenneth…..Jimmy Fallon
Heidi…..Winona Ryder
Mrs. Matthews…..Ana Gasteyer
Cop…..Darrell Hammond
Bear/Curtis Matthews…..Seth Meyers
[ open on exterior, Itex Research Labortories ]
[ dissolve to interior, Bear Research Lab ]
Dr. Matthews: Good work today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: Thanks a lot, Dr. Matthews! Bye, Miss Larson!
Heidi: Good night, Kenneth!
Dr. Matthews: Good night, Kenneth.
[ Kenneth exits; Heidi embraces Dr. Matthews ]
Heidi: I’ve been wanting to touch you all day!
Dr. Matthews: Me, too. But we have to be careful – my wife will find out.
Heidi: Oh. Why don’t you just divorce her?
Dr. Matthews: I told you, I can’t! It’s her money that keeps me able to do my valuable research with bears!
Heidi: I don’t care!
Dr. Matthews: Heidi.. you know how I feel about my bear research.
Heidi: I know how important your bear research is for you – and the fight against the terrorists. But i’m tired of your wife preventing us from being together!
Dr. Matthews: But what can I do?
Heidi: Kill her.
[ music sting ]
Heidi: You take this gun, and shoot her!
Dr. Matthews: But we’ll get caught!
Heidi: Well, you just say that you thought she was a rival bearologist coming to steal your valuable bear data!
Dr. Matthews: I’ve told you a million times that won’t work! [ thinking ] Wait a minute, wait a minute.. I could let the bear out of his cage, and then he could maul her.
Heidi: Perfect!
Voice of Mrs. Matthews: Bruce! Are you in here?
Dr. Matthews: Aw, there’s my wife now. We’ll be safe over here!
Heidi: Okay!
[ they cower into the corner of the lab ]
Voice of Mrs. Matthews: Bruce Matthews! Where are you?
Dr. Matthews: Uh.. Blanche, I’m in here, in my bear research lab!
[ Mrs. Matthews enters in neck brace, with a tray of tiny sandwiches ]
Mrs. Matthews: Bruce? Bruce? I brought some of these tiny sandwiches that you love!
[ Dr. Matthews thrusts open the bear cage ]
Dr. Matthews: Mr. Sticks! KILL her!
[ Bear runs out of cage, picks up gun from table, and shoots Mrs. Matthews to death. Bear then runs back into cage and tosses the smoking gun into Dr. Matthew’s hands, as his cage shuts close. ]
Dr. Matthews: [ panicking at the turn of events ] No! Wait! No! NO!! WAIT!!
Heidi: This is wonderful!
Dr. Matthews: No, it’s NOT!! He SHOT her! MAN!! He was supposed to MAUL her!! MAN!!
Heidi: How did you teach a bear to use a gun!
Dr. Matthews: I DIDN’T! He watches FAR too much TV!! BAD BEAR!! VERY BAD BEAR!!
[ Bear shrugs in cage ]
Heidi: Don’t yell at him!
Dr. Matthews: He shot her!
Heidi: And?
Dr. Matthews: Don’t you get it?! The cops are gonna blame me for this!
Heidi: Why? Just tell them what happened.
Dr. Matthews: What? That a bear picked up a firearm and killed my rich wife?! They’ll never believe it.
Heidi: They will. Work it out, you’ll see.
Dr. Matthews: I’ve gotta stay calm..
Heidi: Stay calm.
Dr. Matthews: Luckily, no one heard the shots..
[ Kenneth runs into the lab ]
Kenneth: Dr. Matthews! I heard shots! [ spots the body on the ground ] Oh, my God!! Mrs. Matthews!!
Dr. Matthews: Yes.. my wife has been shot.. but, before you do anything —
Kenneth: I called the cops!
[ music sting ]
Dr. Matthews: No!
[ Cop enters ]
Cop: Alright, what’s going on here? [ spots the body ] Mrs. Matthews?! Murdered?!
Dr. Matthews: Now, Officer, it’s not what it looks like!
Cop: Let me guess – the bear shot her.
Dr. Matthews: [ surprised at the guess ] Yes! That’s what happened!
Cop: I’m not falling for that again!
Dr. Matthews: Look! Heidi saw what happened!
Cop: You two are probably having an affair!
Heidi: [ weeping ] No, we’re not.. Dr. Matthews shot her.. and said he’d shoot me if I told anyone..
Dr. Matthews: She’s lying! I swear! A TV-watching bear killed my wife!!
Cop: Let’s go, pal!
Dr. Matthews: Again! Twenty years of bear research, and I’m baffled!
[ cop drags Dr. Matthews out of the lab ]
Heidi: [ opens bear cage ] Great job, Mr. Sticks! Your plan worked perfectly!
Curtis Matthews: [ removes bear head from costume ] Yes! The plan worked perfectly! I can’t believe my brother thought I was a bear! I don’t even look like a bear!
Heidi: [ cackling with glee ] And now the Matthews fortune is ours!
Curtis Matthews: Fourteen years in a bear suit finally paid off!
Heidi: Curtis Matthews, you’re a genius!!
[ they both laugh viciously ]
[ fade ]
Will Ferrell Farewell
Will Ferrell Farewell
…..Main Cast of “Saturday Night Live”
Ana Gasteyer: I worked with Will for six years, and it was more fun than anything I’ve ever done or will probably ever do. He brought joy to everyone and everything he did. I’m going to miss him.
[ dissolve to Jimmy Fallon ]
Jimmy Fallon: It was hard for me to work with Will because every time I was in a sketch with him, he made me laugh. I probably ruined a lot of sketches, but I don’t care – I got to be on stage with Will Ferrell.
[ dissolve to Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch ]
Maya Rudolph: Performing can be scary, especially in front of a live audience. It’s a lot easier when you have a friend out there with you.
Rachel Dratch: Will Ferrell was our friend, and we’ll miss him.
[ dissolve to Darrell Hammond ]
Darrell Hammond: I loved Will Ferrell, plain and simple. I came into this place with him, and I loved being on stage with him. I’ve never worked with a more talented and kinder human being – ever.
[ dissolve to Horatio Sanz ]
Horatio Sanz: He’s the best. Uh, there will never be another Will Ferrell. There’ll be a lot of imitations, but.. um.. anyone who was around him, who was lucky enough to work with him, we know. They broke the mold with that guy.
[ dissolve to Chris Parnell ]
Chris Parnell: True story: this show fired me. Then they rehired me. First time that ever happened. Will Ferrell made that happen. How can I ever repay that? He was more than a great performer. He was my friend.
[ dissolve to Tina Fey ]
Tina Fey: I loved watching Will in a bad sketch, one that didn’t get any laughs, because he never gave up. He was the most fearless performer I’ve ever seen.
[ dissolve to Chris Kattan ]
Chris Kattan: Will’s like a brother to me. I love him, I really do. And not just because I worked with him on the show every week, and we made a movie together – those are the things I’ll cherish the rest of my life – but because he’s nice, he’s funny, and he’s my friend.
[ dissolve to Tracy Morgan ]
Tracy Morgan: [ in a different tone from the others ] I got a story! I got a interesting story about the time Will Ferrell stole my Walkman out my dressing room. He doesn’t know I know, but I know! I know a lot of stuff about Will Ferrell. Like the fact that he’s a cold, thievin’, selfish, evil dude! And don’t be thinkin’ he helped save Chris Parnell’s job, ’cause everybody around here knows he actually got Parnell fired, and tried to get his brother Patty Ferrell on the show! He smiles right up to your face, and two seconds later he go and talk behind you back to Lorne Michaels!
Here’s something – he gave a cigarette to my kid, my boy, my eight-year-old boy! That ain’t right! Will is messed up in the head! He’s cheatin’ on his wife, he’s always lookin’ to get his freak on. It’s sick! And I tell you something else – this may come as a little shock to you, but Will Ferrell hates the black man! He always has! From the moment I walked in this place, he’s been eyeing me like I’m suspicious or something! I know it! He’s not comfortable with black people, uh-uh, that’s because he’s a racist! Will Ferrell is headed for a huge fall! You’ll see! The backlash is coming, baby! It’s coming! People are gonna find out Will Ferrell is a loser!
[ Will Ferrell enters the scene ]
Will Ferrell: Tracy, Tracy..
Tracy Morgan: [ turns, changes attitude ] Heyyyy, Will.
Will Ferrell: What was that all about?
Tracy Morgan: Ain’t nothing, baby. Um.. everybody just decided to tell their stories and stuff, you know?
Will Ferrell: You mad at me about something?
Tracy Morgan: I.. I just don’t want you to go, bro’.
Will Ferrell: You know what? I.. I did steal your Walkman.
Tracy Morgan: I knew it.
Will Ferrell: And I do hate black people.
Tracy Morgan: Hey, no need to explain. How about after the show we, uh, skip the party and go straight on to the strip club. Larry and Chuckie and them is up there waiting on us.
Will Ferrell: I like the way you think.
Tracy Morgan: For a black man?
Will Ferrell: For my friend.
[ Tracy kisses Will’s cheek as they exit the scene ]
TV Funhouse
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
TV Funhouse
written by: Rob Smigel, Michael Gordon, Louis CK, Stephen Colbert, and Michelle Saks Smigel
Mr. Snowman: “If I live to be 100, I’ll never forget that big snowstorm here at Christmas Town. The weather closed in only two days before Christmas Eve. And it all started from the cave of the abominable snow monster. He was as mean and big as the whole North Pole, and no one knew how to stop -“
I’m sorry. It just all seems so trivial right now. I mean, we’re still in Afghanistan, the country’s under seige , we’re getting warnings every week. What are we talking about here, an abominable snow monster? Ooh, a giant snow monster, I’m so scared! Let’s all worry about some crappy-ass snow monster. Come on, folks, you watch CNN. I’m holding three months of Cipro up my butt hole. And I’m supposed to pick up a freakin’ banjo and sing? Screw it, I can’t do this.
[ exits cartoon ]
[ SUPER: “The Narrator That Ruined Christmas” ]
[ cut to boy and girl sitting in den watching an empty TV screen ]
Boy: Where did he go?
Girl: I think he’s mad.
Boy: So Rudolph isn’t going to be saved from the Snow Monster this year?
Girl: I’m scared.
Mr. Snowman: Don’t you get it! It’s not important any more!
Boy: Huh?
Girl: Don’t make him angrier.
[ TV screen shows Mr. Snowman asleep on the toilet ]
Boy: Mr. Snowman?
Mr. Snowman: [ wakes up abruptly ] Hey! Can’t you see I’m busy!
Girl: But what about all the misfit toys?
Mr. Snowman: No one gives a –
[ Elf enters Mr. Snowman’s igloo home ]
Elf: Come on, Sam, won’t you tell the story?
Rudolph: We want to save Christmas.
Mr. Snowman: Oh, yeah? Well, this Christmas we’re gonna do something that matters. Meet us downtown.
[ cut to Santa’s home ]
Santa Claus: No smowstorm? No Snow Monster? What’s happening this year?
Mrs. Claus: It’s that narrating snowman, he’s so full of himself. He even left Christmas Town to meet some children.
Santa Claus: Well, where did they go?
[ cut to Mr. Snowman and company standing in front of Ground Zero in New York City ]
Rudolph: I don’t like Ground Zero.
Girl: Why are we here?
Mr. Snowman: It’s my responsibility as someone in the public eye. When they see me, it’ll help.
Boy;And why do we have to give blood? Don’t they have enough already?
Mr. Snowman: Trust me, you need to give blood more than they don’t need to get it.
Rudolph: But I want to save Christmas.
Mr. Snowman: [ to Cop ] Excuse me. I’m here to give these men a boost.
Cop: You can’t come through here. They’re very busy. Right this way, Mr. Stiller.
Mr. Snowman: Hey, why does Jerry Stiller get through? I’m the narrator from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.
Cop: Well, I don’t see you narrating.
Mr. Snowman: My left nut is more famous than Jerry Stiller.
[ Santa arrives ]
Santa?
Cop: Right this way, Mr. Claus.
Mr. Snowman: Hey, what the f–k?
Santa Claus: That’s alright, son, I understand. This is a difficult time. But telling the story of Rudolph is just what you should be doing. You should bring happiness to the children every year.
Mr. Snowman: Santa, please. I don’t think it’s appropriate.
Santa Claus: It’s not about you, douchebag. Don’t be so self-imposing. Don’t you see? You show biz types are just trying to shift the focus away from the crisis and onto yourselves. You’re an entertainer. It’s a simple job, okay? Do a dance, show us your boobs, and make us happy, monkey.
Kids: Yay!
Crowd: [ singing ]
You know you’re important with thoughts in your headBut it’s hard for us to take itSo get back in your cage, paint your ass redAnd shake, shake, shake, shake it!And shake, shake, shake, shake it!
Mr. Snowman: Okay, I guess I have been a bit of a skid mark. Let’s start from the beginning.
Kids: Yay!
Mr. Snowman: “If I live to be 100, I’ll never forget that big snowstorm here at Christmas -“
[ cut to NBC News Special Report ]
Tom Brokaw: This is an NBC News Special Report. The FBI has placed the nation on a 45-minute alert. For the next 45 minutes, citizens are advised to panic and not to enjoy themselves. I’m Tom Brokaw. We now rejoin our regular programming.
[ Mr. Snowman breaks his banjo over his head in frustration ]
[ end ]
The Culps
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
The Culps
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy…..Ellen DeGeneres
Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: Hello, holiday shoppers. I’m Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy, the director of holiday activities here at the Oakhurst Mall. Thank you. Now, before we present our living nativity, security has asked me to make a few announcements. The actor playing Santa Claus – what? Oh, geez. The real Santa Claus is taking a break while he receives medical attention for his scratched cornea. And now, we take you to a faraway land where two weary travelers search for a place to rest on a starry night. And one bright star shone on!
(The Culps enter, dressed as Mary and Joseph. Bobbi is pregnant.)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test.
Marty Culp: Check, test, one, two.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. Whoo!
Marty Culp: Boy!
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’ll tell ya.
Marty Culp: This is not a hot mic at all.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No, not one bit – crystal clear.
Marty Culp: Crystal clear.
(As they shout tongue-twisters, the microphone gives off feedback.)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Way too soon on that one.
Marty Culp: Yeah.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’m Mary, a.k.a. Bobbi Mohan-Culp.
Marty Culp: And I’m Joseph, begat of Marty Culp. Normally we head up the music department at Alta Dena Middle School. But tonight, we’re here in Bethlehem, to bring in a pretty cool little fella.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We’re so down with him we think of him as the Prince of Peace Out.
Marty Culp: My lady friend is full with child, and there is no room at the end. Big lesson about travel planning, people.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It’s no – no picnic birthing in a barn, gang. Call ahead, call ahead. Dig in.
Marty Culp: You know, I would like to ask all the employees at the Relax the Back store across the way there to relax the middle fingers you’re holding up right now. That’s just unbelievably rude.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It is. Especially giving what we’re doing. It’s a pageant. It’s a pageant. Hark! Here come yonder visitors. How about that?
(Cheryl returns dressed up as a wise man, holding packages of gifts. Attached behind her are two inanimate wise men.)
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: I am – we am – we are three wise men. I will speak on behalf of all of us because I am more confident in front of groups.
Marty Culp: And what gifts do you bring?
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: Well, uh, we bring a bounty of gifts from the Oakhurst Mall: a country raspberry candle from Illuminations, and a shampoo and blow dry shaving at Regis Hair Salon gift certificate, and a water bra from Victoria’s Secret.
Marty Culp: These gifts will serve him well.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Sure will.
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: And now, because this mall is non-denominational, we will pay. Call Baby Jason, Jason Crisp, and I think I know who we’re talking about, people, here. (knocks elbows against two imanimate wise men)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: So in honor of the savior – can we say that? No?
Marty Culp: No? Can’t say that? Sorry about that. So, in honor of Jason Crisp, we shall bring it home with a special birthday treat for the funky fresh king that was born on Crisp-mas Day. One, two, three, four…
(start playing Christmas music)
Culps: “O ye come down in Bethlehem,
how simply see that…”
(tempo changes to Pink’s “Get the Party Started”)
“He’s… coming out,
so you better get this party started!”
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “He’s coming out, he’s coming out!”
Culps: “He’s… coming out,
so you better get this party started!”
(tempo changes to “Do You Hear What I Hear?”)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Do you hear what I hear?”
Marty Culp: “Said the night wind to the little clouds…”
(tempo changes to Eve and Gwen Stefani’s “Let Me Blow Ya Mind”)
Culps: “It took a while to get me here,
and I’m gonna take my time!”
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Don’t fight that good shh in your ear…”
All: “Now let me blow ya mind!”
(tempo changes to “We Three Kings”)
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “We three kings of Orient are,
bearing gifts, we traveled so far…”
(tempo changes to Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me”)
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah,
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!”
Culps: “If you wanna go and take a ride with me,
we three-wheelin’ in the fo’ with the gold D’s,
oh why do I live this way?”
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Must be the money!”
(tempo changes to “The First Noel”)
Culps: “The first noel,
the angels did say…”
(tempo changes to Mary J. Blige’s “Family Affair”)
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Don’t need no hater-ation, holla-ration…”
Culps: “In this dancery!”
Cheryl Cheyenne Cassidy: “Let’s get it percolatin’ while you’re waitin’…”
Culps: “So just dance for me!”
Marty Culp: (in high-pitched voice) “One more time!”
(tempo changes to Daft Punk’s “One More Time”)
Marty Culp: “One more time!”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “I wanna celebrate, oh yeah!”
Marty Culp: “One… one more time!”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o’er the plains…”
All: “Glo-o-o-o-o-ria…
Let him blow your mi-i-i-i-i-nd!”
Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!
CBS Terrorist Update
01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
CBS Terrorist Update
Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond
Dan Rather: Good evening. This is a CBS News Special Report: The War on Terror. Dan Rather reporting. Here are the latest developments at this hour: moments ago, the FBI released what it calls a clearer audio-enhanced version of the Osama bin Laden videotape, first made public two days ago. The newly-translated version adds chilling details to what we already know about the events of September 11th, and, according to the FBI, removes any doubt as to bin Laden’s role. in the portion you are about to see, with the voice of a translator added, bin Laden is seen describing the moment the hijackers first learned from ringleaders the full nature of the plot.
[ dissolve to video of Osama bin Laden centered between Shaykh al Ghamdi and ]
[ text scrolls upward awkwardly, as Translator reads: ]
OBL:
I received a call on my cell-phone from Mohammed Atta. “Osama”, he said, “I just told the men the rest of the plan, and they want to talk to you. They have some suggestions for an alternate plan.”
“What about this,” one of them asked. Instead of wrecking the planes, we buzz the city several times, so that the non-believers will be filled with fear. Then we fly straight to Kabul.”
I told them my plan was better.
“Alright, how about this,” they said.
“We hijack the planes and fly them to Somalia for ransom. Then truly will the infidels know fear, from their greatest cities to their smallest village.”
“Ransom?” I replied. “This plan is not about money. We don’t want money.”
“But wait, they said, “aren’t you the one who’s always complaining about having to pay for everything?”
“Not anymore,” I said. “And anyway, how does your plan grant you the martyrdom you seek? Do you not crave martyrdom?”
“Of course we hunger for martyrdom,” they answered, “but not necessarily at this time. Some of us feel that if we put off our martyrdom for a few months, a year, whatever, when it finally does come, we will appreciate it more.”
“I still like my plan,” I said. “And mine grants you instant martyrdom.”
“What about this,” they said. “We hijack the planes to Yemen, then exchange the hostages for our brothers held in Israeli prisons. Then, at that point, any of our group who feel they still crave martyrdom could simply swallow some Anthrax spores, or lie down on railroad tracks.”
“There are no railroads in Yemen,” I pointed out.
“Fine, they can step on some land mines, or run their jeeps with the garage door shut, whatever. The point is, they can still have martyrdom. And besides, many scholars of the Koran have said that leading a long full life of service to Islam is, in a sense, the highest form of martyrdom.”
“I don’t know where you got that,” I told them. “I have never heard that. Besides, we have already begun my plan. Let’s just see it through.”
“But we can always do your plan,” they said.
“Why not try our plan, and then we can try yours later, or someone else can try it. It doesn’t even have to be us.”
I explained to them, that while I appreciated their suggestions, and they were well thought out, I still preferred my plan. I wished them good luck, and told them I would be cheering them on, and that in about thirty years I hope to meet them in Paradise.
“Alright, Osama, fine. We’ll stick wih your plan. But while we’re doing our part, just out of curiosity,” they asked – and this is when your name came up, Shaykh – “How are you and “Fat Boy” contributing to Jihad today? No, seriously, really, how do you and “Tubby” plan to smite the non-believers?”
I explained that you have a thyroid condition, and that their remark was uncalled for. “No, truly,” they said, “we want to know, what does “Tons-of-Fun have in mind today to bring the infidel to his knees. Oh no, let us guess. He maybe won’t eat his tenth platter of lamb kabob.” Forgive me, Shaykh. This was the truth of our conversation.
Shaykh Al Ghamdi:
Allah be praised. What happened next?
OBL:
They complained for a few minutes about some back-pay they claimed I owed them. Then one of them got on the phone and said, “Osama, I have one last request. Why don’t you and “The Blimp” take your personal copies of the Koran, and all your little fatwas, roll them up in a nice tube, stuff them up (inaudible) and set fire to them? You can show the whole thing on Al Jazeera.”
Then they hung up.
Shaykh Al Ghamdi:
Praise Allah.
[ dissolve back to Dan Rather ]
Dan Rather: Just a portion of this disturbing document. As a programming note, CBS News will be broadcasting this tape in its entirety and throughout the week on “The Early Show with Bryant Gumbel and Jane Clayson”. And, in the meantime, in case anybody cares, I still don’t have anthrax – yet. But I’ll be here to bring you any new developments the moment we get them. For now, this is the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather reporting, saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”