Category: 2001

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Winona Ryder’s Monologue

…..Winona Ryder
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tina Fey
…..Dean Edwards
…..Jeff Richards
…..Seth Meyers
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Amy Poehler
…..Horatio Sanz
…..Will Ferrell
…..Lorne Michaels

Winona Ryder: Thank you so much! Thank you! It is so great, it is so great to be here, hosting my all-time favorite show, Saturday Night Live. I was so nervous to do the show, but I worked on a movie with Adam Sandler, who is an alumni here and he told me that I would have a great time – and he also told me to mention the movie we did together, Mr. Deeds, which opens, by the way, June 28. But I’m not here to plug the movie! I’m here to host the season finale of Saturday Night Live.

But I have to admit! You know, people have been acting a little strange around here, there’s alot of locking of doors, and shifty eyes, and alot of frisking!

(Tracy Morgan enters from the right)

Tracy Morgan: Word! Word!

Winona Ryder: Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Yo, I know how you feel, those dudes are always following me around man, makes me feel like I’m at a Korean grocery store, and I work here!

Winona Ryder: I know it’s weird, to my face, everyone always so sweet and nice, but I always feel like someone’s looking over my shoulder.

Tracy Morgan: They all nice to your face, that’s cause they don’t want you to know they set up security cameras this week.

(Winona Ryder appears to be surprised)

Winona Ryder: They set up security cameras because of me?

Tracy Morgan: No no no no no!

Winona Ryder: Well then why did they set them this week?

Tracy Morgan: Because! I can’t think of a lie right now! But these cameras are pretty cool. Check it out.

(Tracy takes a remote control from his pocket and points it away and presses a button)

(Cut to: Video camera surveillance of Saturday Night Live hallways.)

Tracy Morgan: See? Theres the hallway. Let’s check out Ana’s room.

(Cut To: Ana Gasteyer standing in her dressing room holding a booze bottle; Darrell Hammond sitting on a sofa with a book.)

Darrell Hammond: That is not – my – baby.

Ana Gasteyer: Oh really? Cause you’re the only man I have slept with for the past SIX years!

Darrell Hammond: So what?!

Ana Gasteyer: So! You’re the FATHER!!!

(Ana takes a swig of the bottle)

Darrell Hammond: Oh that’s great, that’s gonna help. The baby’s going to –

Ana Gasteyer: (Interrupting him) Don’t lecture me. Don’t lecture me, Darrell.

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: Let’s check out Tina’s room.

(Cut to: Tina Fey leaning over a faucet, facing a mirror, shaving her face.)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: You know what, let’s check on the new guys.

(Cut to: Dean Edwards, Jeff Richards, and Seth Meyers facing a picture of the Saturday Night Live cast. An ‘X’ is marked over Will Ferrell in the picture.)

Seth Meyers: Okay, so Will’s leaving, and Kattan, I mean he’s been here for like six years, hopefully he’ll leave.

Dean Edwards: Hey, you think Tracy’ll leave?

(Seth and Jeff laugh)

Seth and Jeff: No way.

(Cut to: Jimmy Fallon slying around in Lorne Michael’s office, near a coffee pot)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Here’s Lorne’s office. Ah, Jimmy’s not supposed to be drinking Lorne’s coffee.

(Jimmy picks up the coffee pot, urinates in it and puts it back)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Uh-oh. Oh good, he’s not.

(Cut to: Amy Poehler beating on a door, seemingly trapped.)

Amy Poehler: Let me out of here! Anybody?! Open the door!

Voice of Tracy Morgan: There’s my girl Amy.

Voice of Winona Ryder: Oh no, she’s crying, it looks liked she’s locked in her dressing room!

Voice of Tracy Morgan: No, no, that’s my dressing room.

Amy Poehler: (sobbing) Let me out of here!

(Cut to: Horatio Sanz in old lady drag, eating a banana while in front of a mirror.)

Voice of Tracy Morgan: And there’s Horatio’s dressing room.

Voice of Winona Ryder: I didn’t know we were doing a skit where Horatio dresses up as a woman.

Voice of Tracy Morgan: Uh, we’re not.

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: I got some stuff from last night too. You know it’s Will’s last show. Check this out.

(Cut to: Will Ferrell shaking a spray paint can, facing a wall that reads ‘See You Later Assh’, as he sprays an ‘o’ on the end.)

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Tracy Morgan: See? They watch everybody. Nobody thinks you’re gonna take anything. Everything’s gonna be alright.

Winona Ryder: Aw, that’s sweet, Lorne told me that last night.

Tracy Morgan: I got that too. You wanna see it?

Winona Ryder: Oh! Yeah!

(Cut to: Video footage of Winona and Lorne in a room)

Lorne Michaels: Friday’s the hard day. I think we’re gonna be alright tomorrow.

Winona Ryder: Aw, thank you so much for having me. And thank you so much for being so great about everything, you know, everything.

(Lorne kisses her cheek as they hug and he begins to walk out of the room)

Winona Ryder: Aw, I love you, Lorne.

(Video camera shows Lorne leaving the room, then Lorne pats down his pockets, approves, and walks away.)

(Cut to: Winona and Tracy onstage)

Winona Ryder: Wow.

Tracy Morgan: Okay, I’ll check on you later, Shorty, and have a good show, babe!

Winona Ryder: Okay! I will! Because Moby is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Thanks to Michael none for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Love-ahs

Roger Clarvin…..Will Ferrell
Virginia Clarvin…..Rachel Dratch
Clarissa…..Winona Ryder
Dave…..Jimmy Fallon

Camera shows a young couple cuddling in a hot tub outside a motel room]

Clarissa: Maybe tomorrow we should take a raft out on the lake.

Dave: Alright, that sounds fun.

[They begin to kiss and cuddle more, but are interrerupted by Roger and Virginia]

Roger: Excuse me, is there anymore room for two more love-ahs in the ‘ha-tub’?

Dave: No way, this can’t be happening.

Clarissa: Sure, there’s plenty of room for you! Another whole side.

Virginia: Ohh. Come! Come love-ah! Wonderful

[They both disrobe and slowly get in]

Clarissa: Here let me help you. Do you need a hand?

Roger: Oh yes, thank you.

Virginia: Ohh. Come Roger! Oooh! The warm water soothes my tired hunches.

Clarissa: Nice.

Roger: Hello. We are professors Roger and Virginia Clarvin.

Clarissa: Oh! Well hi. I’m Clarissa and this is my boyfriend Dave.

[She caresses him]

Dave: Oh come on honey, why don’t we just go back to the room.

Roger: Ahh! Ohh!

Clarissa: But wait, we just got in!

Roger: Ahh! Ohh!

Virginia: What love-ah, what is it?

Roger: Ahh! Ohh! Virginia, regard, is that not the Dave we encountered on our last stay?

Virginia: Well look, so it is!

Both- Dave!!

Virginia: So Dave, what brings you back to the prestigious Wesley Arms Hotel? Is it the romantic setting? Spectacular views? Or the build-your-own-omelet station?

Dave: Uh, actually, it was…

[Roger cuts him off]

Roger: My love-ah and I work up a ravenous appetite after a night of arracious love-making.

Virginia: Yes!

Roger: Nothing satisfies like a post-coital omelet of your own design prepared by four-star chef, Chuck Vialobous!

Virginia: Sounds wonderful!

Dave: Uhh why don’t we just go back to the room?

Roger: Nonsense, there is no greater aphrodisiac than the ‘ha-tub’.

Dave: It’s hot tub, not ‘ha-tub’.

Roger: You say hot tub, I say ‘ha-tub’, no matter.

Virginia: Yes!

Roger: Uh Dave, I must assure you that beneath the surface of these very waters a virtual ant farm of activities is taking place.

Virginia: Thighs grazing. Leg hairs combing cleanly. Hands eagerly following famaliar paths to playfully grope that secret cul-de-sac!

Dave: Oh man.

[Clarissa appears excited]

Roger: Oh! To love-ahs old and new! Quick! Let’s form a human chain!

Virginia: Oh! A human chain!

[Virginia moves besides Clarissa and Roger moves beside Dave as they form the human chain]

Clarissa: Ok!

Dave: No, No, No! Thank you, No, No!

Clarissa: Relax lover!

Virginia: Relax! Slide over!

Dave: Please! Easy there, Roger.

Virginia: We’re a human chain!

Clarissa: Oh, this is fun!

Roger: Yes!

Virginia: Oh! You must join us on our hike to Lake Chamberlain!

Clarissa: Oh! We’d love that!

Virginia: Mmm, yes!

Roger: Tonight at midnight, like giggling teenagers, love-ahs forth shall creep to Lake Chamberlain, strewing briefs and panties at water’s edge.[Touches Dave’s lips]

Virginia: Yes! Roger and I slather our bodies in lake sediment

Roger: Yes.

Virginia: And then we make haste to the Lake Chamberlain Recreational Center, where we MAKE LOVE on each and EVERY picnic table!!

Clarissa: Oh love-ah, we must join them!

Dave: What’s gotten into you?

Clarissa: I don’t know, maybe it’s being here in this ‘ha-tub’!

Dave: Ok. Ok. Ok!! Who’s hand is on my ‘cul-de-sac’??!

Roger: What?

Dave: What?

Virginia: Oh! Would anyone care for Roast ‘Capas’??

[Roger retrieves large pieces of chicken on a platter from behind the hot tub]

Roger: Roast ‘Capas’!

Clarissa: Roast ‘Capas’!

Virginia: Oh! No soak would be complete without the sensual delight of tiny roast chickens! ‘Capas’!!

[The Clarvins start eating the same piece of chicken on different ends while Dave looks on in disgust]

Roger: [to the sky] Chuck Vialobous, you have out-done yourself!! Clarissa, you must really indulge!

Virginia: Indulge!

[Clarissa takes bite]

Clarissa: Oh honey, it’s delicious! Try it, it’s intoxicating!

Dave: Yeah, they tried this crap the last time.

Roger: Wine from Libidos? {sprays wine from a jug on all of their mouths, including Dave’s}

Dave: Uh, no thank you. No thank you.

Virginia: Wonderful! It’s wonderful!

Clarissa: It’s great!

Roger: Virg, do you remember the first time we ate ‘Capas’?

Virginia: Yes!

Dave: Let me guess.[roger sprays more wine in his mouth while he’s talking] –Let me guess. You were back at the university, traveling through Spain right? When you met your friend, Ted “Johnsung” or something. You went into a small tavern and sucked the grease off Ted’s fingers and had a gross three-way all night long!

Roger: No, silly! No, they were on sale at the A.M.P. and I said, “Virg, let’s try some of those tiny chickens”.

Virginia: THEN, we had a 3-way all night long with A.M.P. night manager, Marcus Daylevega!

Dave: [fed up and angry] Ok! That’s it! I’m going back to the room! GOOD NIGHT!!

[he gets out of the hot tub, leaving the Clarvins and Clarrisa. The Clarvins cuddle up with one another.]

Clarissa: Oh! Suit yourself, love-ah! I’ll shortly be there to caress you with hands pruning with chicken grease and chlorine!

Dave: Gross!

Clarissa: [while eating chicken] Oh Roger and Virginia, you have helped me see what love is all about! I will shout it to the night sky and the mountain tops and across the road to the Econo Lodge!! {stands up, shouting to the sky} I am a love-ah! I AM a love-ah! I AM A …whoa! {she slips and falls and hits her head on the side of the hot tub, apparently leaving her unconscious}

Virginia: Ooh!

Roger: She slipped and fell.

Virginia: Yes, sweet love-ah. I have a splendid idea!

Roger: Yes?

Virginia: Let’s make love next to her unconscious body!

Roger: I can think of no greater achievement!

Virginia: Yes!

{she and Roger embrace, as Clarissa comes to}

Roger: Oh, Love-ah!

Clarissa: Oww, my back!

Virginia: What?

Clarissa: My back!

Virginia: Love-ah, is it your back?

Roger: No you dumbass! How could that possibly be my voice? Now get the HELL OFF ME!

{Roger pushes Virginia off as the camera fades to black}

Thanks to Blake B. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01t: Winona Ryder / Moby

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell
Gay Hitler…..Chris Kattan
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
…..Real Neil Diamond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

A new Palestinian proposal would allow Yassar Arafat to serve as a symbolic leader, while leaving the governing to “professionals”. This is based on the system already in place here in the U.S. [ show Bush and Cheney ]

In the second installment of Fox’s “Celebrity Bocing”, former Olympic gold medal gymnast Olga Korbut will fight “Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire” winner Darva Conger. Olga Korbut says she’s gonna give Darva Conger such a beating that, when it’s over, she’ll look like.. Olga Korbut.

White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer announced this week that President Bush was given a CIA memo last August, warning that Osama bin Laden might try to hijack airplanes. Fleischer said this has taught us a valuable lesson – never give the President anything important to read while he’s watching “SpongeBob SquarePants”.

Oprah Winfrey has named hern ew $51 million estate Tara II, after Scarlet O’Hara’s plantation in “Gone With The Wind”. Meanwhile, Sally Jesse Raphael renamed her new estate Apartment 4-B.

Luciano Pavaratti cited the flu as the reason for not performing at the Metropolitan Opera’s season-ending show. Though insiders say it’s odd that Pavaratti’s “flu” just so happened to coincide with Blimpies’ grand opening on 96th Street.

New York’s Cardinal Egan has planned to tap wealthy Catholic donors for a fund to help falsely accused priests pay their legal bills. All he needs now is one falsely accused priest.

CBS announced plans for a “Batman” reunion movie, featuring Adam West and Burt Ward. When producers called to pitch the project, Ward said he had to check his schedule, then put his hand over the phone, counted to ten, then said, “Okay, I’m available.”

Tina Fey: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is “Baby Panic”. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table – “Where Are The Babies?”, “Why Haven’t You Had A Baby?”, and “For God’s Sake, Have A Baby!” Thanks, Time Magazine, just what I need – another article so depressing, I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.

According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career womem shouldn’t wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia’s right; I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great. But Sylvia’s message is basically that feminism can’t change nature – which is true, alright. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be all oiled up on the cover of Mac – but she’s not.

Ladies, there’s no reason to panic, though. It’s out of your control, anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn’t. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70’s, when the only fertility aid was Harley’s Bristol Creme. So, waiting is just a risk that I’m going to have to take. And I don’t think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle. It’s gross. I’d rather adopt a baby, I don’t need a kid that looks like me. I was an ugly kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls and.. the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid, alright.

Dratch, Poehler, Maya? how do you feel about author Sylvia Hewlett?

Together: We hated Sylvia Hewlett!!

Rachel Dratch: Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.

Amy Poehler: My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian. So, you know, I’ll just buy one of those.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III, and holding out for the chick from “Alias”.

Rachel Dratch & Amy Poehler: Yeah..

Tina Fey: You’re not gonna get the chick from “Alias”!

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, why don’t you just shut up and put a baby in here! [ encompasses her crotch ]

Amy Poehler: You guys want to go and, uh, stare at Ana some more.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah!

Rachel Dratch: Okay!

[ they run off the set ]

Tina Fey: Back to you, Jimmy.

According to FBI documents, O.J. Simpson has allegedly been letting a drug dealer stay in his guest house and drive his children to school. In his defense, O.J. points out that, if the drug dealer didn’t drive the kids to school, they’d have to ride with a murderer.

San Francisco was rattled by a magnitude 5.2 earthquake Tuesday. One San Francisco man said the quake was so strong, it shook the gay out of him.

Golfer Kristi Kerr won the LPGA Lawn & Drugs Challenge, in the first victory in the LPGA Tour. In what will hopefully become a tradition on the Women’s Tour, Kerr celebrated by kissing a huge lucite penis.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, it’s our last show of the year, and we’re saying goodbye to a dear friend of ours.

Tina Fey: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Neil Diamond.

[ Neil Diamond enters in front of the Update desk ]

Neil Diamond: Thank you! Thank you very much, Rhea Perlman. [ pause ] Well, folks, it’s the end of the line for ol’ Neil Diamond. That’s right, I’m retiring from showbiz. I got me a ranch house out in Sausalito, 25 acres, a couple of pigs.. sex swing in the basement.. this weird Vietnamese guy who just kind of hangs out – you know, the American Dream. Anyway, I’d like to say farewell to my favorite hombres, here at the “Cheers” reunion, with this little miracle from 1966. Hit it!

[ singing ]

“Oh, my baby loves me
yeah, yeah, she does!
Oh, the girl’s out of sight now!
She said she loves me
yeah, yeah, she does!
Oh, she’s gonna show me the night now!

Hey!
She got the way to move me
Cherry Cherry!
She got the way to groove me..”

[ stops ]

You know, this sounds like a world-class terd. I need some back-up. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2002 Weekend Update All-Stars! Gay Hitler! [ Gay Hitler enters ] Geraldo Rivera! [ Geraldo Rivera enters ] Drunk Girl! [ Drunk Girl enters ] And, of course, the Real Neil Diamond!

[ the Real Neil Diamond enters ]

Real Neil Diamond: I love you, baby.. but I think you should leave this to the professionals! Come on, boys, let’s do it!

[ singing ]

“She got the way!
She got the way!
She got the way to groove me, Cherry!”

Everyone: “She got the way to move me, Cherry!”

Jimmy Fallon: Neil Diamond! Gay Hitler! Drunk Girl! Geraldo Rivera! The Real Neil Diamond! I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: And now, from a secret location, here is the Vice-President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Dick Cheney standing in front of a secret cave ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Hello, America. I’m Dick Cheney. As you know, for the past few weeks I’ve been off in an undisclosed location. Well, I’m here tonight to disclose that location – Kandahar, Afghanistan. Yep. As I’ve always said, if you want a job done right, you’ve got to do it yourself. And, trust me, people, I’m all over this thing. Called in a favor with the Delta Air Force, and got myself dropped off down here, along with 50,000 peanut butter sandwiches. Now, I’m right in the middle of it! Trust me, old Uncle Dick is gonna make sure you don’t have to worry about opening your mail come Christmas! I’m a one-man Afghani wrecking crew. That Northern Alliance they’ve been talking about? Pretty much just me. U.S. Spcial Forces, Commando units? You’re looking at ’em! I’ve been here one week, I personally destroyed ten airports, countless radar installations, and the only Blockbuster video in the whole damn country! Just for fun, I crazy-glued a couple of those Buddha statues back together. And, between you and me, I’ve also shown a few of these women around here exactly what it means to be a gentleman! [ laughs ]

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably owrried because you heard things about me having a weak heart. Well, I got news for you – check it out, suckers. [ tears open his shirt, revealing a metal device attached to his chest ] I got me a bionic ticker! This thing regulates my heartbeat, it gives me night vision and renders me completely invisible on radar! Check this out. [ presses a button and pours himself a cup of coffee ] I brew my own Sanka! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah.. now, that’s good coffee. And, let me tell you, this ain’t over yet. And I’m talking to you here, Osama bin Laden. I already know these caves like the back of my hand. I know where you live! I’ve been there! I’ve been through your stuff! And, Mr. bin Laden, after what I did, I wouldn’t use your toothbrush if I were you. [ laughs ] You can run but you can’t hide! Thanks to this baby, I can achieve a top speed of up to 70 miles an hour. And when I find you, you’ve got something coming to you, Mr. bin Laden. [ pulls out shaving cream and a razor ] The beard’s goin’!

In conclusion, Osama bin Laden, I’ve got one thing to say – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Crossing Over with John Edwards

John Edwards…..Will Ferrell
Fran’s Friend…..Drew Barrymore
Fran…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: From an early age, John Edward displayed remarkable psychic abilities, predictions and premonitions he couldn’t explain. At 15, a reading by a psychic changed his life. John was told what millions have witnessed. He can reunite people in the physical world with those that have.. crossed over.

[ dissolve to set, John Edwards overlooking his audience ]

John Edwards: Welcome to “Crossing Over”. Before we begin, I must stress again the importance of remembering the details that come from these sessions. Specifically, the things that don’t seem to make sense at first. It’s imperative that you remember everything I say. Okay. I think I’m ready. And.. I’m going over here.. in this direction.. right here. And someone over here, I’m getting a J. A J.. a woman with a J connection. Who’s got a woman with a J? [ no response ] Maybe K? K or J? A woman with a K or J. [ no response ] Or.. R? K, J, R.. or F.

Fran’s Friend: [ raises hand ] Oh! I know an F!

John Edwards: Okay. Okay, what’s the name?

Fran’s Friend: Fran.

John Edwards: And she passed recently?

No, she’s sitting right here.

John Edwards: Okay.. maybe it was Fran I was getting. Fran, did you have someone pass recently?

Fran: Yes, I did.

John Edwards: Okay. And did their name begin with a J or a K?

Fran: No.

John Edwards: [ pause ] Or a P? Or a B?

Fran: No.

John Edwards: T, L, Z or D?

Fran: No.

John Edwards: Or.. S.. or W? A taller person.. name begins with a B.. or an H. [ no response ] B or a G?

Fran: No. I’m sorry.

John Edwards: Could be a man.. who owned an animal.. or saw an animal.. in the wild.. or in a zoo setting? [ pause ] It might have been a man with a TV or a radio.. in his apartment or his home.. or his office.. or his parents’ home.. or in a dormitory. Name begins with Y or M.. or C.. or an E..

Fran’s Friend: [ excited ] Ooh.. ooh! Evan! We knew an Evan!

Fran: Oh, which one was he?

Fran’s Friend: Oh, he worked with the other guy, the one with the moustache!

John Edwards: [ full of it ] I’m seeing a moustache. Is that a man with a moustache? A friend named Evan?

Fran’s Friend: Oh, yes! He was friends with Evan!

John Edwards: Yes. Yes. And he had a very long moustache, like a handlebar, like a Fu Manchu.

Fran’s Friend: No, it –

John Edwards: It’s shorter. It’s shorter. Like a Tom Selleck moustache. Or, even shorter, like a John Waters moustache.

Fran’s Friend: Not really..

John Edwards: [ getting angry ] Well, I’m seeing a moustache, are you calling me a liar?

Fran’s Friend: No. Keep going.

John Edwards: [ sighs ] Okay. I see him working.. with something.. his hands are holding.. a thing.. a.. a lantern.. [ quickly ] No, no, no! I take it back, that was dumb! That was dumb! He did hold a thing.. he did a hold a thing..

Fran’s Friend: Yes! He held a book, he was a teacher!

Fran: This is incredible!

John Edwards: A teacher. Okay, he was a teacher.. he was a teacher.. and, for some reason, I’m getting a school. Does that mean anything?

Fran: Yes! He taught at a school!

John Edwards: Yes. Yes, he taught hi-i-i-i.. s-s-s-sc.. he taught.. he was a teacher of f-f-f-.. Physics.

Fran’s Friend: No.

John Edwards: Phys Ed?

Fran’s Friend: No.

John Edwards: Physiology?

Fran’s Friend: No, he taught –

John Edwards: Sshhh! Ssshhh! Sshhhh! Finance? [ no response ] Phonics? [ no response ] Phy-philosophy! Philosophy! [ no response ] He taught people?

Fran’s Friend: Yes, he did. He taught a fishing course at the Learning Annex.

John Edwards: Okay, that’s not real teaching, I’m sorry. Okay, how am I supposed to get that? How am I supposed to get that? Okay, screw you guys, you guys are dead to me! Okay, screw you guys. Okay. I’m going over here now.. I see someone.. who ate food and drove a car..

[ dissolve to show logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 677

“I knew I had a choice. I could either take a step forward, off the cliff, and hope that as I was falling I could somehow take off my shirt or pants and fashion them into a makeshift parachute to at least slow my fall. Or I could go back into the party, and try to tell the joke again, but right this time.”

SNL Transcripts

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Gay Hitler…..Chris Kattan
…..Colin Quinn
Neil Diamond…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.

In Pakistan this week, anti-American protestors set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restauranbt on fire. The protestors mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders.

Mark Burnett, the producer of “Survivor: Africa”, says he doesn’t expect current events to limit viewers’ appetites for reality TV, saying, “I feel really confident that people will still be in the mood for crap.”

Canada’s defense minister announced Monday they will aid the U.S. by contributing six naval ships, six aircraft and a special forces unit, although when converted into American numbers, that becomes two canoes and a slingshot.

Cher announced this week that she would not be performing with Britney Spears on the young pop stars November 8th special, because, sadly, Cher has to go back to the shop for repairs.

The two stars actually share a special bond, as Britney’s breasts are made of the same material as Cher’s old nose.

Actor Tom Sizemore says that he is very happy living with his girlfriend, Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss. Sizemore says that after a month of dating, his passion still burns for her – as does his urine.

A new book by a German historian asserts that Adolph Hitler was actually a closet homosexual. The claim is based on the discovery of the new Hitler memoir – “Mein Boyfriend”.

Tina Fey: That’s fascinating.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, yeah –

[ suddenly, Gay Hitler walks in front of the Weekend Update desk ]

Gay Hitler: Hi, Tina. Hi, Jimmy. Sprechen sie dick?

Jimmy Fallon: Get out of here!

Tina Fey: Get out of here, Gay Hitler! Go!

[ Gay Hitler salutes, then runs off ]

According to statistics released by the American Society of Plastic Surgery, last year surgeons performed over 389,000 nose jobs, 133,000 face lifts, and 112,000 breast augmentations.. [ pictured: Michael Jackson ].. and it still doesn’t look right.

Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated their 26th wedding anniversary at a restaurant in New York City last night. She ate at 7:00, he ate at 10:30.

Tina Fey: And now, here to talk to us about what the hell is going on, is the New Yorkiest New Yorker I know, our good friend Mr. Colin Quinn.

Colin Quinn: Folks, thank you very much! This is the first politically-correct war we’ve ever had. What is it called? “Operation Regrettable Inevibility”? “Operation Uncomfortable Necessity”?

You know, in the old days, they would have a war – like, World War II was just the opposite, it was too unpolitically-correct. FDR would get on the radio and go, “Okay, tomorrow, we start “Operation Jap Attack”.. “Operation Krout Killer”. Alright.

But Bush, you know, he’s being very tentative on this one, he’s like, “Look, we’re gonna attack. It’s nothing personal against the Afghani people. Please don’t take it personally, it’s not about Islam. If you’re an Islamic-Afghani, don’t worry about it. If you’re an Afghani-Islamic, then you’re pushing it a little bit.”

But they fired the Head of Security at Logan Airports, and that must be difficult, bringing the guy in: “What did you do on your last job?” “I started World War III.” Alright, we’ll see you.

Algazeera-TV, which had the bin Landen video, and I don’t watch Algazeera-TV – the kids put it on. They had the bin Laden video, and, first of all, all they play is bin Laden. He’s like “Law & Order” over there. At 2 o’clock in the afternoon, 2 o’clock in the morning. Here’s Algazeera, here’s bin Laden, here’s Jerry Orbach, throwing a guy on a chain-link fence. And he was on there with those nerds from the Taliban, you know the three guys with glasses to make him look cool, with four rifles. And, let me tell you something about the Taliban – they all have the wool vests, they never smile, the Granny glasses, they drive 4x4s all the time.. I think the Taliban are lesbians – dammit, I said it!

And also, the FBI warning is starting to bug me. The FBI warning is: There’s a 100% chance of another attack. Guess what? At 100%, you can stop saying the word “chance”. It makes me mad! They say, “Look, in the next three days, there’s gonna be an attack, guaranteed.” So, you know. So what? They want us to pull our ears, to sort of scare us?

And I’m also getting mad, because, first of all, I love the experts. Everyone’s an expert. You understand this, it’s all about oil. Thanks, Professor Chopsky. It’s party about oil, but it’s partly because some people don’t like us having Britney Spears show her stomach at the M-TV Video Awards. That’s part of it, too. Anyway, a lot of celebrities are also doing their part. Dr. Dre gave a millon dollars, and he’s putting out a video attacking bin Laden. Now, I’m not a rapper – and I say that, because people mistake me. But what are the odds that that video rhymes “Osama” and “Yo mama” at some point?

I’m also getting mad because say, “An eye for an eye”. That’s my other thing, all the other people that are well-intentioned, they’re not – they’re self-righteous. And they say an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind. No, it doesn’t. It leaves everyone with one eye.

Tina Fey: Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn.

Police in India have arrested a man for threatening to kill a tiger he believes his lover from a past life. Well, at least he only wants to kill it.

Tina Fey: Finally tonight, this has been a strange month for all of us here at “Weekend Update” and New York, and all across America.

Jimmy Fallon: So we thought we’d leave you with a little bit of inspiration courtesy of.. wait, is this true?

Tina Fey: It’s inspiration, yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Neil Diamond.

[ Neil Diamond appears in front of the Weekend Update desk ]

Neil Diamond: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Gina. Thank you, Lenny. You’re both beautiful. Let’s do this, guys. 2, 3, 4!

[ spotlight shines over Neil, as “Turn On Your Heartlight” begins to play ]

“Turn on your heartlight!
Let it shine wherever you go.
Let it make a happy glow
For all the world to see.”

[ Gay Hitler reappears, and hands Neil a long-stemmed rose ]

“Turn on your heartlight!
In the middle of a young boy’s dream.
Don’t wake me up too soon.”
Don’t do it, Gay Hitler!
“Gonna take a ride across the moon.
You and me.”

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.

Neil Diamond: [ still singing ]
“Turn on your heartlight!
Let it shine wherever you go..”

SNL Transcripts

01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

The Bloder Brothers

Security Guard…..Ana Gasteyer
Kip Bloder…..Jimmy Fallon
Wayne Bloder…..Chris Parnell
Kurt Bloder…..Jon Stewart

[ open on interior, JFK International Airport security chamber ]

Security Guard: Okay, people, please make sure you have your tickets and your photo and your ID.

[ she enters security room where Kip and Wayne Bloder have been detained ]

Security Guard: So I understand you two were trying to go to Scotsdale, and you have no identification?

[ the Bloder Brothers giggle a little bit ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh, you don’t recognize us? I’m Tom Cruise, and this is Brad Pitt! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Yeah! And this is the pit, so we’re gonna cruise! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Can you please state your names?

Kip Bloder: Uh, I’m Kip Bloder, and this is my brother Wayne.

Security Guard: So you two are brothers?

Wayne Bloder: We are?!

[ they hug each other and laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Hey, thank you, Sally Jesse!

Wayne Bloder: Oh, Brother, where art thou!

Kip Bloder: I’m right over here! Oh, Brother, where art thou!

Wayne Bloder: I’m right here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: That’s enough, gentlemen, that’s enough! What are your occupations?

Wayne Bloder: Uh, we calibrate thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

Kip Bloder: And in our spare time, we make love to beautiful ladies! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: And by “spare time”, we mean our dreams! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Our dreams, their nightmares! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh.. Nightmare On Bloder Street! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Wake up and smell the rejection! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright, can it! Have these bags been in your possession at all times?

Wayne Bloder: Yes, our bags are definitely posessed! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Welcome to Flight 6-6-6! This is your Flight Captain Damion! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh.. and to the left side of the plane down there, you can see the raging fires of hell. And on the right, oh I think that’s a Starbuck’s! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: You know, what? I don’t see what’s so funny here! Can you please remove your shoes and put them on the table!

[ the Bloder Brothers remove their shoes and put them on the table. Their shoes have flashing lights on the heels. ]

Security Guard: Why are your shoes flashing?

Wayne Bloder: They learned it from us! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: We flash all the time! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Uh, I can assure you our shoes have no bombs in them.

Kip Bloder: Unless you count stink bombs! [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: Or you might be smelling our armpits! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: We don’t have ID, but we do have BO! [ they laugh ]

[ a couple of the armed guard move in closer to Kip and Wayne ]

Wayne Bloder: Ohh.. nice outfits. Uh.. you guys must suffer from Chronic Fatigues Syndrome! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Too bad they’re not Cheryl Fatigue! [ they laugh ]

[ they pick up their shoes and motion them into a little dance ]

Kip & Wayne: [ singing ] “A tea for two, and two for tea, a tea for you, a tea for me..!”

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright! Do you two clowns understand how serious airport security is right now? We are in a high alert situation! There is a war going on out there right now!

Wayne Bloder: War?

Kip Bloder: Huh?

Wayne Bloder: Good God, y’all.

Kip Bloder: What is it good for?

Wayne Bloder: Absolutely nothing.

Kip Bloder: Say it again.

Wayne Bloder: War?

Kip Bloder: Huh?

Wayne Bloder: Good God, y’all.

Kip Bloder: What is it good for?

Wayne Bloder: Absolutely nothing.

Kip Bloder: Say it again.

Wayne Bloder: War.

Security Guard: [ annoyed ] Alright, I get it! I know the song!

[ Kip and Wayne’s Dad enters the security chamber, holding their passports like pizzas ]

Kurt Bloder: Uh.. did anyone order a pizza with extra passport-aroni!

Kip & Wayne: [ laughing ] Dad!!

Kurt Bloder: This would kill your mother, so, uh.. fortunately, I killed her before I came down here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Excuse me? What are you doing in here? This is a secure area.

Kurt Bloder: Well, uh.. this is a highly insecure area! And uh.. somebody needs a little hug! [ he laughs as he attempts to hug one of the armed guards ]

Security Guard: Sir, who are you?

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I’m a bomb-sniffing dog, and, uh.. you’re the bomb! [ they laugh ] Don’t shoot! I mean.. [ turns to armed guard ] ..don’t shoot! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: Dad, thank God you’re here!

Wayne Bloder: Tell them who we are!

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I’ve never seen these two before in my life! [ they laugh ] Actually, I’m just kidding. I’m their dad – Kurt bin Laden! [ they laugh ] And, uh.. al-quaida like to know what’s going on around here! [ they laugh ]

Security Guard: Alright, alright, alright! What’s going on is, between the three of you, you’ve managed to break fourteen laws!

Bloders: [ excited ] Hi-ohhhh!!!

Security Guard: And now you’re all going in to get a cavity search!

Bloders: [ sullen ] Hi-oh..

[ the armed guards pick up the three Bloder men and drag them away from the table ]

Kurt Bloder: Oh, uh.. I see. A cavity search. What is this, uh.. Oz? [ they laugh ]

[ singing ] “Somewhere inside my colon!” [ they laugh ]

Wayne Bloder: You’re the scarecrow, you’re the tin man, and you’re the guy with the big rubber glove! [ they laugh ] Hey! Tell me if you find my keys up there! [ they laugh ]

Kurt Bloder: Hey! If you find my keys, let me know! [ they laugh ]

Kip Bloder: If you find their keys, let them know!

[ fade as they’re pulled out of the chamber ]

SNL Transcripts

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am so excited to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. But I was so afraid to fly here – so I canceled my trip. And then I saw Guiliani on television saying to be brave. So, the next day I got on an airplane. Then we started rehearsing, and I got calm, I got really excited. And then, yesterday, they discovered anthrax in the building! So, I immediately left. I went back to the hotel, and I thought again about being brave. So I came back, and I’m here, and you’re here, and you’re being brave, too! And I thank you for it! And I want to thank my husband, because he’s here and he’s supporting me – Tom, thank you!

[ Tom Green is seen sitting in the audience, wearing a gas mask over his face ]

It’s okay, you can take off the mask, be brave, it’s okay, go ahead. Take it off, honey!

[ Tom removes the gas mask from his face ]

I love him! I love you guys! We have put together a great show for you – Macy Gray is here, it’s gonna rock! Stick around! Alright!

SNL Transcripts

01k: Jack Black / The Strokes

Bush Chokes on Pretzel

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
Secret Service Agent #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Secret Service Agent #2…..Seth Meyers

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ SUPER: “The White House, Sunday January 13, 2002” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Secret Service Station, two Secret Service Agents read magazines ]

[ SUPER: “Secret Service Station in the West Wing 5:45 pm ]

[ suddenly, a crash is heard from upstairs ]

Voice of President George W. Bush: HELP ME!!

[ the Secret Service Agents run quickly ]

[ cut to President George W. Bush rising from the floor, a bag of pretzels spilled open across the coffee table. Bush feels a red mark on his left cheek as the Secret Service Agents rush in. ]

Secret Service Agent #1: Mr. President! Are you okay!

President George W. Bush: [ weeping ] Ye-es.. I’m okay..

Secret Service Agent #1: Mr. President, what happened?

President George W. Bush: Nothing. I just fell down.

[ a sound is heard from behind the couch ]

Secret Service Agent #1: Is someone there?

President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] Uh.. um.. well..

[ Vice-President Dick Cheney, dressed only in a “COPS” suspect-style sleeveless t-shirt, rises from behind the couch ]

Secret Service Agent #2: Mr. Cheney, did you see this happen?

Dick Cheney: Uh.. no. When I, uh, heard the President fall down, I ran in from the other room to make sure he was alright, and, luckily, everything’s okay. [ tugs at Bush’s shirt and pulls him up ] He just fell down, he hit his head on the table, right, Mr. President?

President George W. Bush: It’s okay, fellas, I was just.. just watching the game..

Dick Cheney: The game.

President George W. Bush: I just fell down..

Dick Cheney: Fell down.

President George W. Bush: After I ate a pretzel, I choked on it..

Dick Cheney: Choked on it.

President George W. Bush: I fainted..

Dick Cheney: Fainted.

President George W. Bush: ..fell down..

Dick Cheney: Yeah. And then?

President George W. Bush: I hit my head on the table, and that’s what happened?

Secret Service Agent #1: [ not convinced ] Are.. are you sure you’re okay?

President George W. Bush: Yes. This happens all the time.

Dick Cheney: Yeah, you see, everything’s okay?

Secret Service Agent 21: Mr. President, do you want to speak to us alone?

Dick Cheney: What’s the point! He’s given his statement!

Secret Service Agent #1: Well, we’d like the President to tell us –

Dick Cheney: [ angry ] Don’t you understand English?! He said he choked on a pretzel and fell down!

Secret Service Agent #1: I’d like to hear that from him.

President George W. Bush: Like Dick says – I ate a pretzel, I choked on it and fell down.

Dick Cheney: Alright, you heard him. Now, if you’ll excuse eus, I think what the President needs is to lie down. Isn’t that right, Mr. President?

President George W. Bush: [ Cheney’s puppet ] Yes. I would like to lie down.

Dick Cheney: Let’s get you to bed, and no more pretzels for you! [ walks the Secret Service Agents into the hall ] I’m sorry about the false alarm, but as you can see, it was just a matter of the president choking on a pretzel and hitting his head on the table. [ holds out a wad of bills ] Here’s a little something for your troubles.

Secret Service Agent #2: No, Mr. Vice-President, we’re not allowed to accept that.

Dick Cheney: Suit yourselves. Alright, gentlemen, keep up the good work.

[ Cheney exits back into the room with Bush, and can be heard yelling and screaming at him abusively ]

Secret Service Agent #1: I hate to see this night after night, I wish there was something we could do..

Secret Service Agent #2: I know, but without a statement from the President, our hands are tied.

Secret Service Agent #1: Yeah, but I see it in his eyes, he wants to tell us something.

Secret Service Agent #2: Tell us what?

Secret Service Agent #1: Call me crazy, but I think he wants to tell us.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“

SNL Transcripts