Voice over: The following is an important announcement from The First Liberty Savings bank.
James Whiteside IV: Hello Im James Whiteside the fourth, President of First Liberty Savings Bank. This week after 85 years of continuous operation, our bank is finally closing its doors. Its a sad event for the First Liberty family, but for our customers, a tremendous opportunity. You see our drawers and vaults are literally stuffed with United States currency and by 5pm Friday, every item must go!
Like these, twenty dollar bills, list price twenty dollars each, now just 17.95. Or these, fifty dollar bills. This week only 37.25. If youre interested in one hundred dollar bills, weve got them too, three for 65 dollars.
As you can imagine this is not easy for me. My Great-Grandfather founded this bank in 1916 and to watch it go out of business is breaking my heart. But there is nothing I can do about it. Weve lost our lease and weve got to be out by Saturday so J-Crew can come in. Now let me ask you a question. Have you ever thought of owning a thousand dollar bill? Well do you have 175 dollars? How bout 17 dollars and 50 cents. You heard me, 10 percent down, pay the rest when you can.
You know, when my father stepped down as bank president I tried to tellhim, Im not the guy! Lets go outside the company. There are morequalified people out there. Im not good at this! But it was like I was speaking another language. Jamie, he said, its what youve always wanted, NO DAD, Its what YOUVE always wanted for me, but Im not you, Im ME and you cant live my life for ME! Only I can live my life, NOT YOU! Maybe now Dad, you understand that!
(looks down sadly, then looks up and continues as if nothing had happened)
This is the 1907 U.S. twenty dollar gold piece, considered by many to be the most beautiful coin ever made. I found a bunch of these down in the basement, three dollars a box. Weve also got forty tons of mintcondition quarters, halves and silver dollars, there in the dumpster out back with the stock certificates. Lets see, what else, uh, plenty of parking, free face painting for the kids. Thats about it.Oh, and Im gay, (sarcastically) sorry Dad.
Voice over: the First liberty Savings Bank Liquidation Sale, doors openMonday 9 am.
Jon Stewart: Thank you, very much I appreciate it.
Welcome to Saturday Night Live. Thank you.
Now first of all uh, I do, I do want to address some of the some of the late night rumors that are out there. There are some rumors that Davewill leave CBS and people wanta know if I would be interested in taking that spot or maybe Dave doesn’t, or maybe I’ll take the spot at ABC.
I just want to clarify, uh uh about those rumors, uh yes I would do, I’d do that one, I would I would do Dave, Leno, Conan anyone who wants to leave. Willard Scott you tired of waving at old people? I’ll takethat I’ll do whatever ya…
I work on basic cable do you understand what I’m saying? I’d like toget some of those spoiled rich guys over to my neck of the woods whereyou still have to pay for your own sodas and your show comes on afterthree Andrew McCarthy movies. Do you understand what that’s like? Andnot the good ones where the mannequin comes to life – the bad ones!
But I have fun, uh I did the Grammys last week but it left me uh uh with a very interesting question
(In a high pitched voice in response to the applause) Thank you.
It did leave me with an interesting question. Are Justin and Britneythe before and Kid Rock and Pam Anderson the after? Does anyone know?
(applause)
Now I’m back in New York and I’m delighted to be. I’ve lived herefifteen years and I love it here.
(applause)Yea! Hooray for having an apartment!
Uh I still feel safe here ya know, probably because cuz in my apartmentI have that chain that goes from the wall to the door. Cuz you justput that on at night and that just says to the terrorists HEY! You not getting in here unless you … push with your hand ..Pretty hard.
But it’s an exciting time to be in New York Saint Padies Day paradecoming up next week. (lots of obnoxious cheering from audience) Yes,they’re already drunk for it, that’s exciting. The Saint Padies..though it is a little controversial. Gay people are not allowed toMarch in the Saint Patrick’s Day Parade. But let me just explainsomething to you. I know that’s controversial, but gay people are very flamboyant and they can’t march in that parade because you don’t want ANYTHING to distract from the Dignity of that parade. You know what I’m saying?
You don’t want some gay guy checking you out … when you’re whizzing on the side of a building.
I don’t know why people fear the gay agenda. Gay people don’t seem towant all that much. They want to march in the Saint Padies Day Parade,they want to be in the army… Uh they want uh uh march in the SaintPaddies day, be in the army, get married. It’s not that big of deal,why can’t gay people be in the army? What’s that about? What’s thearmy afraid of gonna happen if gay people are in it?
“Private shoot that man!” “uh I can’t sir, he’s adorable”
You know what I think? The army’s afraid of a thousand gay guys withM-16’s going “Who’d you call a faggot?” They can’t be in the boy scouts? I don’t know who the Boy Scouts think they’re kidding. I mean come on! The Boy Scouts is already the gayest organization in America! The Definition of gay isn’t same sex intercourse it’s thousands of young boys in neckerchiefs … eagerly awaiting next years Jamboree.Even The Village People think those outfits are gay.
What are they afraid of? With all the, I mean sexuality is what it is.I mean people can’t convince you to do that. I mean I have a tape of aguy having sex with a piñata! I think or maybe that’s how they get the candy in them. I don’t know.
But it’s no, you can’t talk people in and out of that stuff, you justare what you are, your mind can be changed, your heart can be swayed,your (looks sheepish) penis is very stubborn. I’m telling you!
I mean if you were driving home and you passed a pumpkin field and yougot a little tingling, and then the next night you drove past thepumpkin field again and you got another little tingling… I’ve got bad news for ya! One night, you’re banging a Pumpkin!
And they’re not going to get you to pray it out or do. You know they’ve got that thing “oh, well, put The Ten Commandments up, that will fix everything!” Put The Ten Commandments up, that will stop school violence!”
Oh yeah, kids will come to school, “oh thou shall NOT kill!, oh God!”
If you think putting The Ten Commandments up is gonna stop schoolviolence then you think … “Employees Must Wash Hands” is keeping theurine out of your Happy Meal! (whispers) it’s not!
We got a great show for you tonight! India Arie is going to be here!We’ll be right back!
Tracy Morgan V/O: Welcome to “Talking to the Stars With Rachel and Tracy”.
Rachel Dratch V/O: A show inspired by actual conversations and interactions between Rachel Dratch and Tracy Morgan.
Rachel Dratch: Hello, and welcome to the show. I’m Rachel!
Tracy Morgan: I’m Tracy.
Rachel Dratch: And today we’ll be talking to a funny man, and talk show host in his own right – Jon Stewart. But first, a segment called Catching Up, where Tracy and I catch up in what’s going on in each other’s life. So, Tracy, what did you do last night?
Tracy Morgan: I just chilled out with the home boys, you know what I’m saying? Busted down a couple bottles of Crystal at the club. Drove around in my baby blue Jaguar. Typical bad boy stuff.
Rachel Dratch: Cool, cool.
Tracy Morgan: What aboutchoo, Dratch! Whatdjyou did last night?
Rachel Dratch: Um.. I went to this Brazilian restaurant on the Upper West side, with a couple Dartmouth friends. Um.. you should go, they have really good flan.
Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I don’t know that is.
Rachel Dratch: Okay. Well, let’s bring out tonight’s guest – Jon Stewart!
[ Jon Stewart enters the set and sits ]
Tracy Morgan: [ laughing ] I see you doin’ your thing on “The Daily Show”, man! Keep doin’ you, Paul!
Jon Stewart: Thank you very much.
Rachel Dratch: Um.. so, Jon. Um.. in addition to hosting “The Daily Show”, which is really funny, you recently hosted the Grammy Awards. What was that like?
Jon Stewart: Uh.. it was great. I didn’t really know what to expect –
Tracy Morgan: Right, man! You hosted the Grammys! You got to see the Marmalade Girls up close!
Jon Stewart: Uh.. yeah. I met some of the artists, you know. So that –
Tracy Morgan: Christina got some new boobies, right!
Jon Stewart: I.. I don’t, really.. uh.. I don’t know..
Tracy Morgan: She spent some of that cheese on that front meat!
Jon Stewart: I.. I don’t, uh..
Rachel Dratch: Um.. he thinks Christina Aguliera got breast implants, and.. and would like to know your thoughts on that.
Jon Stewart: Oh. Oh. I’m not really good at spotting that sort of thing, so it’s.. it’s not really.. yeah.
Rachel Dratch: Alright. Well, hosting an awards show of that caliber must be quite stressful.
Jon Stewart: Uh..
Tracy Morgan: You like to get high, right?
Jon Stewart: [ stunned ] Uh.. n-no.. no.. I don’t.. uh..
Rachel Dratch: Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: What! Get real, Dratch! I been backstage at those awards shows, man! The Source Awards was like Weed City, bra! Come on, tell me – y’all like to get lifted, right!
Jon Stewart: Uh.. uh.. lifted?
Rachel Dratch: Um.. I find if Tracy says a word that I don’t know, it usually means “high”.
Jon Stewart: Oh! Um.. okay. I don’t.. I don’t really get lifted any more, so..
Tracy Morgan: We gotta chill sometime, me and you!
Jon Stewart: I’m.. I’m busy.
Tracy Morgan: With the show?
Jon Stewart: Yes, yes! The show!
Tracy Morgan: You be doin’ all that investigative reportin’ and stuff, goin’ to the White House and Afghanistan?
Jon Stewart: Yeah. You’ve never seen the show, have you, Tracy?
Tracy Morgan: It’s on cable, right?
Jon Stewart: Yes. Yes, it is on cable.
Tracy Morgan: I’m sorry, man, I only cable for one thing, man – hardcore porn!
Rachel Dratch: Sometimes, I watch “Family Ties” reruns on Nick-at-Nite.
Jon Stewart: There’s hardcore porn on cable?
Tracy Morgan: Yep.
Rachel Dratch: Um.. so, Jon.. Jon, do you think you’re going to remain on cable, or might you consider expanding to a wider market?
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs hysterically ] Look at Dratch, pretendin’ to be all interested in TV marketing, when she’s just tryin’ to get her freak on!
Rachel Dratch: [ flabbergasted ] What?!
Tracy Morgan: You don’t care about no “The Daily Show”. You just tryin’ to be his daily ho!
Rachel Dratch: [ embarrassed ] Tracy, that is not true!
Tracy Morgan: [ laughing hysterically ] Look at Dratch turning all red!
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my God.. I’m.. I’m really sorry.. um.. okay, um.. [ fumbling with her cards ] There’s been a lot of talk about, um.. late night comedy sdhows versus news shows. Your show kind of straddles the line.
Jon Stewart: Yes, yes.. uh.. uh..
Tracy Morgan: You’d like to straddle that line!
Rachel Dratch: I am trying to conduct an interview!
Tracy Morgan: No, you ain’t! Jon! Baby girl look cute, right!
Jon Stewart: No, no.. very cute.. she’s charming, and very funny..
Tracy Morgan: Then why don’t you get her pregnant!
Rachel Dratch: [ embarrassingly upset ] TRACY!!
Tracy Morgan: You think he cute, right!
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my.. NO!! I mean.. yes! Yes, he is.. you are cute.. aarrggh!!
Jon Stewart: No, but I.. I’m married.. I’m married.
Rachel Dratch: Oh, my God! Tracy! This is so embarrassing! I was not hitting on you.
Tracy Morgan: [ laughs hysterically ]
Rachel Dratch: That’s all the time we have on “Talking to the Stars with Rachel and Tracy”. That’s all the time we have.
[ Wife #1 give Husband $1 a wrapped Christmas present. He opens it to discover a small model car, as she takes a Polaroid of the moment. ]
Husband #1: It’s a.. a toy?
Wife #1: You don’t like it.
Husband #1: No, no, it’s great.
Wife #1: As they say, it’s the thought that counts. [ hands him the resulting Polaroid ]
Husband #1: I know.. I know.. [ looks at the Polaroid, which shows a brand new life-sized car complete with huge bow on top. Curious, he looks outside to see the brand new car sitting there. ] Wooooww!!
V/O: When you want to give the perfect gift.
[ cut to Wife #2 surprising Husband #2 with a new car, sans huge bow ]
Wife #2: Happy birthday, honey!
Husband #2: [ disappointed ] It’s great.. thanks.
Wife #2: [ confused ] That’s it? It’s a brand new SUV.
Husband #2: Yeah. But it doesn’t have one of those huge, oversized bows on top. So I hate it.
[ cut to Flenderson’s Spokesman standing amid huge bows ]
Spokesman: When you surprise your spouse with a new car, make sure to top it off with a Flenderson’s high-quality oversized bow. If it isn’t a Flenderson’s, it’s not worth putting on the top of your new car that you give to your spouse for a gift!
[ cut to Husband #3 with his hands covering Wife #3’s eyes so she can’t see her new car with huge bow on top ]
Husband #3: Happy aniversary, honey.
V/O: Flenderson’s.
Wife #3: [ elated ] What a beautiful bow! Oh, my God!
[ cut back to Flenderson’s Spokesman standing amid huge bows ]
Spokesman: Making custom-crafted, high-quality huge bows for the tops of your new gift car since 1925!
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: Not for use on the Ford Focus on the ’98 Geo Metro.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Amelie…..Chris Kattan …..Jack Black …..Kyle Gass
Announcer: from Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, its Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.
Tina Fey: Hi. Im Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: Im Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonights top stories:
The British Royal family finally acknowledged that 17 year old Prince Harry has a problem with binge drinking and pot smoking. They knew he had a problem because every time he was referred to as the Royal Highness he giggled.
Larry King has signed a 56 million dollar deal with CNN. The broadcaster is now financially set for the rest of his wives.
This week ABC declined to air a 25th Anniversary special on their ground-breaking mini-series Roots. The decision not to run the special was made by ABC network programming executive, The Man.
For those of you who dont remember, Roots, it follows a saga of Kunta Kinte from young African tribesman, to slavery, to becoming literate, and eventually being the top of his class at Star Fleet Academy.
According to financial reports, the Enron Corporation paid no income taxes for 4 of the last 5 years, because apparently Enron had its taxes done by Willie Nelson.
Tina Fey: You know, Ive been reading about this story all week, and I figured out that Republicans are geniuses, because they keep their scandals so incredibly boring that people will stop paying attention to them. Democratic scandals have words like fondle, intern and murder. Republican scandals have words like Over-sight-subcommittee-chairman and partially-exempted-multi-lateral-platform. Come on, thats so boring!!
Basically, the Enron executives ran off with hundreds of millions of dollars, and their employees lose all their life savings. Basic evil guy stuff. Its like tying a woman to the rail road tracks, or trying to take over the world with a laser beam, like the casadine. Also, Enron had all of these shady, foreign subsidiaries to avoid taxes. , and they have 690 subsidiaries in the Kayman Islands. (in Jamaican voice) What do you do for a job man? I braid the white girls hair by the cruise ship, I sell a little weed, and then on the weekend me a SCEO officer subsidiaries Enron
(Back to normal voice) Now Enrons accounting firm Arthur Anderson is in trouble because they destroyed several months worth of documents. Ok, in this day and age, how can you not possibly know that if you shred documents your going to get in trouble?!? Its like if your girlfriend says Hey, lets go on the Jenny Jones show, I have a surprise for you. How can you not know thats bad? Its not gonna be good.
Then on Friday, Enron fired Arthur Anderson as their accounting firm; thats gonna be a blow right? To be fired by a totally bankrupt company. Its like Tom Green divorcing Drew Barrymore, you know Drew was like (Doing Drew Barrymore impression) So your getting rid of me? Thats amazing. (Back to normal voice) so now the government is investigating the whole thing, alright. But John Ashcroft had to recuse himself, because Enron donated money to his campaign, same with President Bush, Dick Cheney, Joe Lieberman has recused himself now. The commerce secretary, the treasury secretary– basically the only person in the country without any sort of tie to Enron is that kid out of the Dell Computer Commercial. But Im pretty sure Steve will get to the bottom of this because hes a very bright kid. Back to you Jimmy.
Big news in todays New England/ Oakland play off game as President Bush successfully ate a Pringle.
Friends star Jennifer Anniston suffered minor injuries after getting into a car accident on Hollywood. The other driver had his car totalled, but on the upside he gets to tell his friends he rear ended Jennifer Anniston.
Both: Oh snap!! You didnt!! Oh snap!! (continually)
This week in Florida a plaque honouring actor James Earl Jones for an upcoming Martin Luther King day event was mistakenly inscribed James Earl Ray, the man who killed Dr. King, its true. According to the plaque designer, it was an honest mistake (shows a picture of a Kloo Klux Klan member holding a plaque)
A new study shows that the Dead Sea is dropping at a rate of 2.5 inches a year. Also dropping at a rate of 2.5 inches a year: Martin Landaus testicles.
Tina Fey: Interesting science
Jimmy Fallon: Well thats–
(A LOUD KNOCK)
Jimmy Fallon: Did you hear that?
Tina Fey: Yeah, I think theres someone at the Update door. Ill go get it.
(TINA OPENS DOOR AND A SILENT AMELIE WALKS IN)
Tina Fey: Oh Jimmy, look who it is. Its your friend Amelie from the French film of the same title.
(AMELIE WALKS IN NOT MAKING A NOISE)
Tina Fey: Hi Amelie.
Jimmy Fallon: Amelie, its good to see you. How are you?
(AMELIE PUTS HER HAND ON HER MOUTH)
Both: Awwwwwww
Jimmy Fallon: Did you say hi to Tina?
(AMELIE WAVES)
Tina Fey: Hi Amelie.
Jimmy Fallon: What did you bring us? Whats that, a spoon?
(AMELIE WAVES A SPOON AROUND)
Jimmy Fallon: Awwwwwww Is there anything you want to say to the audience?
(AMELIE PUTS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH AND SHAKES HER HEAD FRANTICALLY. SHE RUNS AWAY)
Both: Goodbye Amelie.
Tina Fey: She is adorable.
Jimmy Fallon: Shes so cute.
Tina Fey: Shes very endearing, very cute
Judges at the upcoming Winter Olympics have warned figure skaters to keep their acts clean and have banned costumes that give the appearance of nudity or are too tight. Men, however are still free to quote Take it to Bulge City
Tina Fey: The Red Cross have been reviewing conditions this week at Camp X-Ray, where Al Kyda and Taliban prisoners are being held. Here with an opinion is Jimmy.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks Tina, and no one else. The Red Cross– (looking around) I didnt hear any applause (Audience claps, so Jimmy throws his pencil). I forgot to press the applause button. Theyre just tired of me. (Jimmy laughs). The Red Cross is in Cuba this week and reviewing conditions of a prison camp called Camp X-Ray, and I have an Opinion. (the lights flicker to give an X-Ray effect)
I know as Americans we support human rights, but do we really have to make sure these terrorists arent sad? The Red Cross is saying that these conditions are inhumane because they are exposed to the elements. What elements are they worried about, the Tropical weather, Cuban cigars or cool music? I saw Buena Vista Social Club. By the way, the paper says they are giving them bagels. I know these guys hate Jewish people, but theyre lying in the sun, eating bagels with a smear each day; theyre more Jewish than Alan Sherman. (Begins singing) Hello Moula, hello Ala, here I am at, camp Poulacha-pa-cha-pa (stops singing). They also claim that prisoners are in dually restricted in their movements. Hey, I live in a studio apartment in New York city. I cant even do this (waves hia arms) without knocking something over. I am restricted! Red Cross, if you want to help someone help me. I bet the pubic would rather me have a nicer apartment than have terrorists getting a freaking smoothie! Why are you trying to improve their living conditions? Theyre suicide bombers. They hate living conditions. They dont want to live under any conditions, and if you make them live better, thats inhumane. I have an Opinion on Camp X-ray (lights flicker).
According to officials in South Carolina, cuts in the states education department may hurt gifted children. Also hurting gifted children: all of the other children.
Fox is making a feature film for the comic strip Garfield. Meanwhile a very different Hollywood story going on for Heath-cliff who was last seen on Sunset Boulevard offering sex for tuna.
Jimmy Fallon: Now here with a commentary on the Middle East, the worlds greatest rock and roll band, Tenacious D.
JB: Thank you James. Hello, Im JB, this is KG were the D. Thank you. Now when were not at the crib kicking out the jams, we spend most of our time studying the Middle Easts geo-politics, and this troubled region is the fulcrum of which the Earths delicate balance rests. We piked the brains of the nations foremost collegiate professors in order to better understand these intricate and ancient conflicts, and we think weve finally got it sorted out, right KG?
KG: Yeah.
JB: So wed like to debut this song on which we feel explains exactly whats going on over there. (KG begins to play guitar) Its called Hornets Nest
Hornets, hornets, whatcha gonna do about the hornets?
Hornets, hornets, whatcha gonna do??
Hornets nest, hornets nest, the Middle East is just a crazy hornets nest.
Hornets nest, hornets nest, whatcha gonna do??
KG: Pakistan
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: Taliban
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: East Sedan
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: Mongolia
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: London, England
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: Miami, Florida
JB: Hornets nest!
KG: The whole damn thing
JB: Hornets nest!
JB:
Put on a protective suit.
Dive straight into the hornets nest
Searching for the queen hornet
Sipping the delicious honey
(JB begins to hit imaginary hornets with a flyswat with an American flag stuck to both sides)
AND STOP!
Jimmy Fallon: Sanction, precious, penetrating Tenacious D!!! For Weekend Update, Im Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And Im Tina Fey. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
…..Jon Stewart Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell Dan Rather…..Darrell Hammond Stone Phillips…..Seth Meyers Ed Bradley…..Dean Edwards Christne Amanpour…..Chris Kattan Greta van Susstren…..Amy Poehler …..Jimmy Fallon Ashleigh Bandfield/herself…..Tina Fey Helen Thomas…..Ana Gasteyer Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond Starr Jones…..Tracy Morgan Lisa Ling…..Maya Rudolph David Letterman…..Jeff Richards
[ open on interior, living room of Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Stone Phillips and Jon Stewart, as Tom organizes a party platter in the middle of the room. Jon rusges through the front door. ]
Jon Stewart: I’m home, I’m home! I’m sorry, guys. I’m sorry I’m late, Tom, really.
Tom Brokaw: Don’t apologize to me. Talk to Rather.
Jon Stewart: Oh.
Dan Rather: This just in: I slaved all day over a hot stove, preapring for tonight’s party, and you show up an hour late. Stone Phillips had to blow up the balloons all by himself.
Jon Stewart: I’m sorry. I was supposed to set up, the taping ran late, it’s my fault –
Dan Rather: So what you’re telling me is, because little Miss Basic Cable can’t read a prompter, I should sit here and pull my own pudding?
Tom Brokaw: Now, Dan, don’t be this way.
Dan Rather: Why don’t you just go jump up your own ass, Brokaw? [ exits to kitchen ]
Jon Stewart: Boy.. hey, how’s Koppel? How’s he handling this whole thing? Is he still in his room?
Tom Brokaw: Does this answer your question? [ holds up empty Snackwells carton ]
Jon Stewart: Oh, my God! Not another Snackwell’s bender!
Tom Brokaw: Yeah. There’s six more boxes just like that in the trash.
Jon Stewart: Oh, Ted..
Tom Brokaw: Rather thought this party might cheer him up.
Jon Stewart: Yeah.. hey, listen. I can’t say this enough. I am so honored that you guys have asked me to live with you. It just makes me feel like I’ve made it. Thank you.
Tom Brokaw: You’re welcome.
[ Stone Phillips enters the living room from the basement ]
Stone Phillips: I am Stone Phillips. I was just in th basement doing laundry.. and what you don’t know about our dryer.. could kill you!
Tom Brokaw: Shut up, Stone!
[ Stone exits ]
[ doorbell rings ]
Jon Stewart: I’ll get that. [ looks through peephole ] Oh! It’s Christine Amanpour and Ed Bradley! [ opens door ] Thanks for coming!
Ed Bradley: Well, we wanted to be here for Ted. We brought the Franjelico. [ hands Jon a bottle ]
Jon Stewart: Listen, Christine, what happened to your face?
Christine Amanpour: [ with bandage on upper lip ] I cut myself shaving!
Jon Stewart: Well, thanks for coming. [ Greta van Susstren enters ] Greta van Susstren! You look great! Let me take your coat!
[ with eyes pointed, Greta removes coat to reveal equally pointed breasts ]
Greta van Susstren: Why stop at the eyes?
Jon Stewart: Wow..
[ dissolve to later in the evening ]
[ SUPER: “One Hour Later” ]
Tom Brokaw: So I was watching “Ally MacBeal” on my Tivo.. Now, if you ask me, Jon Bon Jovi is not an appropriate foil for Ally.
Christine Amanpour: [ as she chews on a chicken bone ] I once lived for three weeks on moss and grubs in the deserts of Somalia.
Tom Brokaw: [ not interested ] Great.
[ Jimmy Fallon and Ashleigh Bandfield enter from stage right ]
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, uh, Brokaw? Great party, man!
Tom Brokaw: Oh, thank you, Jimmy Fallon!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, you know what? I was thinking about doing you on the show, check it out – [ purposely bad Tom Brokaw imitation ] “Good evening, I’m Tom Brokaw. Tonight, the policing of America. Tragic news.”
Tom Brokaw: [ shakes head ] That doesn’t sound anything like me. But hello, Tina. [ growls ]
Tina Fey: No, I’m supposed to be Ashleigh Banfield. You know what, forget it. I shouldn’t be in sketches, anyway. [ runs off of the set ]
Tom Brokaw: No! Tina, come back!
Helen Thomas: [ armed with pen and notepad, Helen Thomas nearly scares Tom with her approach ] Helen Thomas, UPI! Where’s the crapper in this joint?
Tom Brokaw: Through the kitchen, Helen.
Helen Thomas: Thanks.
[ she retreats to the bathroom, passing Jon Stewart trying to coax Ted Koppel out of his bedroom ]
Jon Stewart: Come on, Ted! Come on out!
Ted Koppel: No!
Jon Stewart: Everyone wants to see you, they’re all coming here for you, Ted!
Ted Koppel: I’m ugly!
Jon Stewart: You’re not ugly!
Ted Koppel: Nobody wants to see me on TV!
Jon Stewart: You know that’s not true, Ted!
Tom Brokaw: [ peeved ] Hey! Who invited Shalit?
[ Gene Shalit is shown eating deviled eggs like a pig ]
Gene Shalit: These deviled eggs are eggs-cellent!
Jon Stewart: I just don’t think Ted’s ever coming out of here!
Tom Brokaw: I know how to get him out. It’s time for Plan B.
[ turns on karaoke machine and begins singing ]
“I’ve had the time of my life and I’ve never felt this way before And I swear..”
[ Ted Koppel opens his bedroom door and enters the living room, as Tom hands him a microphone ]
Ted Koppel: [ singing ] “..This is true-ue-ue.”
Tom Brokaw: “That I owe it all to you.”
Together: “‘Cause I’ve had the time of my life!”
Ted Koppel: Brokaw, you old so-and-so, you always knew how to get me! Come on, everybody, let’s get this party started!
[ Ted leads the group as they all dance to the “Nightline” tune ]
[ doorbell rings, as Jon quiets everyone down ]
Jon Stewart: Whoa, whoa, whoa! It’s the cops! No, I’m just kidding! [ looks through the peephole ] Hey, it’s Starr Jones and Lisa Ling, and.. David Letterman..
Ted Koppel: [ moves forward with steely determination in his eyes ] Let him in.
[ Jon opens the door ]
Starr Jones: Hey, everybody! I brought my artichoke dip!
Jon Stewart: Oh, thank you. [ attempt to take the dip from Starr ]
Starr Jones: [ pulls her dip away from Jon ] I said my artichoke dip!
Lisa Ling: And no, I was not in “Charlie’s Angels”, that was Lucy Liu. [ sighs with disgust ]
[ David Letterman enters slowly, as Ted moves closer ]
Ted Koppel: David.
David Letterman: Ted.
[ they both start to say something, then laugh off the tension of the moment ]
David Letterman: Go ahead.
Ted Koppel: No, please, you go first.
David Letterman: Look, Ted, I-I-I-I.. I just want to say, I feel so damn awful! You know, I.. I feel like a damn fool, you know! These network buffoons, they just, they, they, you know –
Ted Koppel: David, please. I mean, I realize that my average median viewer is fifty years old, yours is only forty-seven. It’s clear I just don’t relate to the kids the way you do.
David Letterman: Oh now, come on! That’s just crazy! You’re Ted Koppel, you’re an institution!
Ted Koppel: [ touched ] Thank you, David.. actually.. that means a lot.
David Letterman: Well, Ted.. I’m so sorry.
Ted Koppel: No, David, I’m sorry.
[ the lights turn low, as David and Ted embrace in a hug and begin to slow dance ]
[Carson Daly enters the TRL set before an audience of screaming teenage girls]
Carson Daly: SHUT UP!
[the audience stops screaming]
Carson Daly: Welcome to TRL, Im Carson Daly. Genial, non-threatening, a little doughy, and yet, theres something about me, isnt there? We have a big show for you today, we have a very special guest, one of the most powerful men in the music business, having creating more than 40 pop bands. Please welcome from Orlando, Florida, Lou Pearlstein!
[the audience screams as Lou Pearlstein enters the set and takes a seat]
Lou Pearlstein: Hello-ello KIDS!
Carson Daly: Wow, Lou Pearlstein. For those of us who arent familiar with your history, tell us the names of some of the bands youve created.
Lou Pearlstein: Uh, a lot of bands such as 5.1 The Upgrade, Cool Tune Review, Tykie Town, Brown Town, Color Me Badd
Carson Daly: Amazing. Now how many of those bands are you still managing?
Lou Pearlstein: None. Not one. Not one band he-e-eres the thing I takeem to the big time, I breakem in, and then they leave me.
Carson Daly: Thats not cool. Whats up with that?
Lou Pearlstein: I uhh like to wet the beak, I like to give a taste, I like to double dip.
Carson Daly: I dont understand.
Lou Pearlstein: I embezzle. I take their money.
Carson Daly: Oh, I see.
Lou Pearlstein: And then these kids, they got parents, lawyers, and err police, and child endangerment laws and judges and he-e-eres a tip. If you delete something from your hard drive, its not gone! Its not! The FBI can still find it!!
Carson Daly: Ok, I understand you brought together a new group. Tell us about this one.
Lou Pearlstein: I got to thinking, theres so many talented musicians in the world, what if I went around and knocked them out with a chemical and took their blood and DNA and brought it to a lab in, lets say, Mexico, cause they got no laws down there whatsoever, you know, and then genetically engineered my own boy band?
Carson Daly: You are a crazy man, but its all good. Without further adieu, let s meet the new band, named for the gelatinous protein medium on which they were raised, ladies and gentleman, give it up for, Agar!
Lou Pearlstein: First up Kyle, hes the shy one.
[The audience screams as Kyle enters]
Lou Pearlstein: Next, heres Shadddd, spelled with four ds, hes the cute one.
[The audience screams as Shadddd enters]
Lou Pearlstein: Look out ladies! Here comes Greg! Hes the wild one and hes allergic to light.
[The audience screams as Greg enters. He then holds his hands up, covering his face, and shakes]
Carson Daly: Hes allergic to light?
Lou Pearlstein: Yeah, hes got a defect, a genetic defect. This kids out there with defects too. I mean, they need someone to look up to, lets say out there theres a kid with, I dont know gills and lobster claws for arms, I mean, who do they look up to?
Carson Daly: I dont know.
Lou Pearlstein: Say hello to Jeremy.
[The audience screams as Jeremy enters, wearing a fishlike costume with fins and lobster claw arms.]
Lou Pearlstein: And finally, the sweet little baby of the group, I just made him myself, Ass Face!
[The audience screams as Ass Face [miscellaneous person] appears, with a plastic butt in place of a face]
Carson Daly: Wow. Agar, everybody. You know, Lou, they have I dont really wanna say what they have, I dont want to put a label on it or define it.
Lou Pearlstein: Th-th-theyre freaks, genetic freaks. Mutants is what they are. Yeah! Heres a little tip, if you are putting together a boy band at the molecular level, and you accidentally spill Captain Morgans rum into the petri dish, you should throw that batch away. Well, anyway, theyre here, they dont lip synch, none of that crap from my bands. Th-th-they got TALENT! Lets hear them sing!
Carson Daly: Without further ado, heres the new single from Agar called “Thinkin Bout Love.”
Lou Pearlstein: Yeah!
[Slow music starts as the boys begin to sway boy band style]
[singing]
Kyle: “Girl, when I think about you–“
All: “Im in heaven.”
Shadddd: “Girl, I think about you–“
All: “24-7.
Thinkin bout love Thinkin bout you.”
Greg: “Ohhhhhh .Girl I think about you all the time And every time I do it really blows my mind ”
[Greg is shocked]
AAAHHH!!!! It burns! It burns!
[He covers his face from the light and starts shaking and crying, then he rejoins the group]
All: “Girl youre all I dream about Youre all I dream about.”
[speaking]
Jeremy: Girl, I wanna get with you, even though my penis looks like a thick piece of bacon with a toenail hanging from it! Its hard to explain, girl, you kind of just have to see it. The point is, forget it, girl. Kill me, Ill give you the knife! I dont wanna have to live like this! I have GILLS!!!!
[singing]
Jeremy: “Thinkin bout love.”
All: “Thinkin bout love Thinkin bout you.”
[Ass Face jumps in front of the group and starts to dance wildly]
Jeremy: Ass Face, take it home, bro!
All: Go Ass! Go Ass!
[Liquid pours out of Ass Faces hole]
All: Go, go, go Ass!
[singing]
All: “Cause youre my gi-r-r-rl, ooooh!”
[audience cheers]
Carson Daly: What – what was that?
Lou Pearlstein: Oh, the liquid? I dont know, but I do know this it eats through metal. [laughs] Arent they the best?
Carson Daly: No, theyre not Im Carson Daly, and I have 80 other shows to do. Bye.
[Carson quickly exits, TRL bumper shown as audience screams]
Mayor: ..And, fortunately, nobody was hurt. Questions?
[ hands are raised ]
Reporter #1: Mayor Holden? Uh, Phil Jensen, City Gazette. Did the traffic light malfunction?
Mayor: Uh, we don’t know that yet. [ hands are raised for more questions ] Yes?
Reporter #2: Mr. Mayor, Janet Wilkinson, KCBL-TV. Hasn’t this happened before at this intersection?
Mayor: Uh, yes.. and we’re looking into that. Last question.
[ hands are raised, Russell Putnam squeezes to the front holding out a mini-tape recorder ]
Russell Putnam: Excuse me, sir! But, is it the truth, that the government has a huge field of high potency pot that they grow just for the President and Congress?
Mayor: [ laughing ] What! Who are you?
Russell Putnam: Russell Putnam, investigatve reporter, High Times Magazine.
Mayor: Well, Mr. Putnam, I can assure you there’s no such thing.
[ other reporters laugh with the Mayor ]
Aide: That’s all the time we have, thank you so much.
[ reporters make their exits ]
Mayor: Who was that guy?
Aide: Putnam. He’s a reporter.
Mayor: [ tone changes ] He’s getting too close to the truth!
[ dissolve to title card and opening action montage ]
Announcer: Russell Putnam, Investigative Reporter. Fighting for the decriminalization of hemp. Featuring stories ripped from the pages of High Times magazine. This program is written, directed and produced by the brave men and women of High Times magazine.
[ dissolve back to interior, Mayor’s office ]
[ over SUPER ] Tonight’s episode: “Ring Around The Rosy, Pocketful of Pot”
Mayor: What are, what are we, uh, gonna do about this Putnam fella?
Aide: He knows too much. He already knows about the huge field of pot we have, that’s only for the President and Congress.
Mayor: Mmm-hmm.
Aide: What do we do?
Mayor: Let’s get out our solid gold bongs and smoke some of that kind bud for ourselves! And let’s not be cool and share it with other people!
Aide: Right. Agreed.
[ they exit the office ]
[ a cloud of smoke pours from a cabinet, as Russell climbs out ]
Russell Putnam: Aha! I knew it! [ dials cell phone ] It’s Putnam. The bird is in the cage, No, not a real bird! Dude, that was the code we agreed on. Dude, never mind. Just assemble the staff, and meet me at Headquarters at 5:30.
[ Russell exits the office, then reappears to claim his huge bong from inside the cabinet, then exits again ]
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 7:20 PM, the High Times staff are controlling their munchies and smoking pot ]
Pothead #1: Didn’t Russell say we were supposed to meet him?
Pothead #2: At.. 4:20! [ laughs uproariously ]
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 9:38 PM, situation unchanged ]
[ Russell enters with a Tower Records bag and snacks from KFC ]
Russell Putnam: Hey. What’s up?
Pothead #3: Didn’t you say to meet us here?
Russell Putnam: No.. wait.. yes.. what did you say?
Pothead #3: Didn’t you call us?
Russell Putnam: Oh, yeah! Listen to this! [ places tape recorder on table, then presses a budon ] The Mayor admitted about the giant field of pot. And I’ve got it right here on this tape!
[ no sound comes from the tape ]
Pothead #4: Dude, there’s nothing coming out.
Russell Putnam: Oh, wait a second.. hang on. [ rewinds tape, then presses Play, only to hear the conversation he just accidentally recorded ] Dudes, this doesn’t change the fact that the secret Congressional field of pot exists! Now, listen up, I’ve got a plan..
[ dissolve to interior, High Times HQ: 11:44 PM, now covered in pot smoke ]
Pothead #3: Hey, didn’t you have a plan, like, four hours ago?
Russell Putnam: What?
Pothead #3: A plan!
Russell Putnam: Oh! Yeah! Here’s the plan!
[ dissolve to interior, Mayor’s office the next day ]
Mayor: [ on phone ] Of course, Mr. President! I know the whole country’s energy supply can run on hemp! That’s exactly why we can never allow that to happen! Yes. Oh, yes, of course. I’ll put him on the phone. [ hands phone to Aide ]
[ Russell and Pothead #3 sneak into the office ]
Aide: Hello. What’s that you say, Mr. President? You say that JFK was a cool bud-smoking dude who was killed by the CIA because he wanted to legalize hemp?
Mayor: You’re kidding!
[ Russell and Pothead #3 jump up ]
Russell Putnam: Aha! Caught you red-handed!!
Mayor: [ annoyed ] Caught doing what? You think anyone’s gonna believe you?! You’re from High Times magazine! The whole world thinks you’re just a bunch of stoners, so go ahead! Tell the whole world what you heard! [ turns to face camera ] No one’s ever gonna believe ’em. Right, America? [ laughs uproariously ]
[ dissolve to Russell typing at a typewriter ]
Russell Putnam V/O: In my heart, I knew he was right. [ coughs ] Wait, let me start over, I coughed. I’m trying to do this voiceover for the end of the show. No, I.. I don’t want a burrito? Wait, where you going? Gary’s? Okay, get me a chicken, but no beans. Dude, we’re out of time? Well, let’s just go with this voiceover, then..
Announcer: This has been “Russell Putnam: Investigative Reporter”.
Monica… Drew Barrymore Lelani… Maya Rudolph Toby… Will Ferrell Girl 1… Rachel Dratch Girl 2… Ana Gasteyer
Girl 1: That is the craziest thing I have ever heard. I mean, the notion that Emma Bovery is in anyway a pre-cursor to ‘Fatal Attraction’ is just nihilistic at best.
Girl 2: Ai. If you would just take the time to read my essay, I think that you would find my point valid. Its entitled ‘Feminism and linguistic theory, a.k.a. That’s what she said’.
Girl 1: Nice, nice
(Girl 1 hands Girl 2 a large, thick hard back book)
Girl 1: Where did you have it bound?
Girl 2: Kinko’s.
Girl 1: Oh, sweet.
Toby: Is anybody sitting here (points to the empty chair next to Girl 2)
Girl 2: Uh, only my entire life, but I’ll move it.
(Girl 2 picks up a large pile of think books and puts them on the table)
Girl 1: (laughing) Good one.
Girl 2: Thanks.
Monica: (from on stage) Welcome to the hall ‘Latte Love’ art space slash coffee house.
Lelani: We are your entertainment for this evening, and we are
Monica and Lelani: Believe. (they begin singing)
I am my own book on women’s studies You should read between my lines And though I’m a book Judge me not by my cover Read between my lines Read me, re-read me, re-read me, re-read me, re-read me
(Toby throws a piece of scrunched up paper at the girls on stage)
Toby: You blow!!
Monica: (ignoring Toby) Thanks a lot everybody. I’m-a Monica.
Lelani: And I am Lelani.
Monica: So, I bet your all wondering how we met
Toby: NO!! (He throws more paper)
Lelani: Yeah, well we met right here at UC Santa Cruz, at a rally to save the silk worm. (Toby continues to throw more paper)
Monica: I’m telling you people, silk is murder.
Toby: (stops throwing) Is this the part where you start making out? I can’t believe you Monica.
Lelani: Ok, for those of you who don’t know, that’s Monica’s ex-boyfriend Toby. He comes to all of our shows.
Monica: He’s also living outside of our house in his dads Pontiac Aztec.
Toby: Monica, I love you. How could you leave me, I hate you!! (Throws more paper)
Girl 2: Tell us how you really feel.
Girl 1: (laughing) Nice.
Girl 2: Thanks.
Lelani: (to Monica) Look into my eyes. Find solace. Find it?
Monica: I do.
Lelani: Rise above it?
Monica: Yes.
(Toby is continually throwing paper and plastic cups at them, Lelani brushes the rubbish off of her guitar)
Lelani: Our next song is called ‘Feminine River’. 2, 3, 4… Lelani and Monica: (singing) You can’t stop this feminine river No man can stop, this red, red river
Monica: (singing) You can’t stop this feminine river Its tied to the moon and soaked up by my tampoon It’s who I am, its total power
Lelani: Oh, oh, ooohhh
Lelani and Monica: You can’t stop this feminine river, It flows and flows, this red, red–
Toby: You two are the crappiest lesbo singers I’ve ever heard. (continues throwing rubbish)
Monica: Thank you. Hey
Lelani: Thank you. Hey what?
Monica: Isn’t it funny how sometimes a great feeling just hits you, and you
Lelani: And you just wanna celebrate life with those you treasure the most.
(Monica and Lelani touch each others faces lovingly)
Toby: God Monica, what is happening to us? I wake up, and not only do you take the cat but you take the space eater, and then I find out your in love with a chick!!
Girl 1: And that’s that Mrs. Lincon, how did you enjoy the play?
Girl 2: (laughing) Nice.
Lelani: You know some people, Toby, can only express themselves with yelling and threats.
Monica: However, we choose to express ourselves
Monica and Lelani: Through music.
Monica: (angry) Stop whipping stuff at us!!
Lelani: Its alright, its ok. Are you alright?
Monica: Yeah, I’m ok. (Toby continues throwing)
Lelani: I’ll tell you what were going to do people. Instead of throwing cups, or watered up napkins, were gonna throw a song at you, and this one is one of our favourites. Lets do this.
Monica and Lelani: (singing) Our love is a loop weaving tapestry.
Lelani: I am the warp
Monica: You are the weft.
Monica and Lelani: Our love is a quilt–
Toby: Monica, I can’t take this anymore!! To quote one of your stupid songs, ‘I’m leaving home and moving back to Fontana’.
Monica: (suddenly shocked) Wait, what?
(Toby stops throwing and approaches Monica)
Toby: I won this thing out of a claw machine at Circle Cove (Hands Monica a teddy bear).
Monica: That’s sweet.
Toby: Have a good life (begins to leave).
Monica: Wait, wait, wait. Toby don’t go. I’d die if you weren’t at our shows.
Toby: You still my sugar bear?
Monica: Yes.
Toby: I love you.
Monica: I love you.
(They begin to make-out in front of a shocked Lelani)
Lelani: What’s happening? Well, I guess we should take a 10 minute break while I begin to piece my life back together.
Girl 1: Boy, I’m a sucker for a good Deus Ex Machina.
Girl 2: Jerry Springer called, he wants his denouement back.
Girl 1: (laughing) Good one (Girl 1 and 2 high five)
(Lelani begins to cry and sing while Toby and Monica continue to make-out in front of her)
