Category: 2001

01k: Jack Black / The Strokes

Happy Birthday Song

Female Guest…..Rachel Dratch
Roger…..Seth Meyers
Guy In Wig…..Will Ferrell
Happy Birthday Singer…..Jack Black
Druid Choir…..Ana Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph
Witch…..Amy Poehler
Wizard…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: The following is a paid advertisement for Music International.

[ open on a birthday party between a few friends ]

Female Guest: Okay, time to blow out your candles.

Guests: [ singing ] Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to you..

Roger: You know what, um, let’s just not do this.

[ Guy In Wig enters scene ]

Guy In Wig: Does this look familiar? I’ll bet it does. There’s no quicker way to kill a party than singing that tired, old happy birthday song. [ disgusting noise ] It’s complicated, long, difficult to sing and impossible to remember. But it’s the only happy birthday song there is, right? Well, not any more. Because we here at Music International have finally come up with a birthday song that’s really something to sing about. It was written by a semi-professional singer/songwriter. Whose father owns our company and who recently spent a little time in the hospital for sniffing glue. Just watch how the new song can liven up even the worst birthday party.

Happy Birthday Singer: (Baroque)
Birthday, birthday, birthday for you
It’s hard to believe another year is through

(punk rock)
Slipping though the leaps of time!
Cosmic trav’ler with mirror eyes
doth peer from between his mother’s thighs
Blood slick and with purple skin
The babe doth emerge from her vagina within
While the mother screams like a witch
Like a bitch!
Happy birthday!

(spoken, baroque)
Stare into the cold light of life.
You will see it again. You WILL see it again

Druid Choir:
And what is this cold dark world
Upon whose shores I’m so rudely thust
Love it. And doth the masked man delivers a smack
Unkind! Unjust!?

Happy Birthday Singer:
Father, is that you?
Though clouds of the dark mill flew
It’s a boy. It’s a girl.
It’s a soul, or is it?
(maniacal laughter)
(spoken)
Mother is that you? It’s my birthday!

Witch: (evil laughter) I have a secret for your ear, not your eye.
The moment you are born you begin to die.

Happy Birthday Singer: Crone, begone!

Witch: Away! Fulfill your destiny. Unwind the clock. Happy Birthday! AAAAHHH!!

Happy Birthday Singer: Thou knowest me not! With this sword, I claim thee into the world Through the stormy deep the babe is hurled! Tretreh Gramerton!!

Druid Choir: Ah, ah, ah, ah. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday.

Happy Birthday Singer: Oh, Braxis. Oh, Braxis I give myself to thee! (baroque) NOOOO! Why this shattered life?! Why was I born a woman?! Hideous vision, what wouldst thou with me?

Wizard: Happy birthday!

Happy Birthday Singer: Weary traveller who are you?

Wizard: I’m Eternity!

Happy Birthday Singer: Wiltst thou let me pass on this journey?

Wizard: (punk rock)
If you answer me this riddle
Than Ascott’s treasure shall be thine
In the name of Thor! Who is your father?
Who is your father? What is the answer? Mortal, speak!
Happy birthday!

Happy Birthday Singer:
No, can it be?
The answer that you seek is..
It’s me!
It’s me!
It’s me!
Happy birthday!

(falcon sceeches, music ends)

Female Guest: Happy Birthday, Roger!

Roger: It sure is!

Guy In Wig: (still in Druid robe) It is now! Thanks to the new birthday song.

Happy Birthday Singer: Order now!

Announcer: (over commercial music) Order Music International’s New Birthday Song, and you will recieve: sheet music, Druids robes, nightmare trees, doctor’s mask, baby dolls, sword, clock of Eternity, witch hat and falcon puppet. Order Today.

From: http://www.tvtome.com/SaturdayNightLive/

SNL Transcripts

01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Uhhh… hello, America. Once again, we find ourselves, uh.. at a very important juncture in American history. It is important that we as Americans are not lulled into a false sense of security. For a while it looked like we had this crisis licked, but now we find ourselves once again engaged in a deadly game. And I think you know what I’m talking about: Will David Letterman leave CBS?

[ clears throat ]

Folks, this is serious! I don’t know, maybe I’ve been locked away in a bunker with nothing but cyanide capsules and a TV set – I don’t know!! Maybe they don’t brief me about what’s going on any more, but my gut tells me this is the most important facing this country today. And what about Ted Koppel? Is Koppel done over at ABC? God, I feel sorry for ABC. Yeah, they were such a good network for a while, one of the Big Three. Now, they’re like the Enron of networks. And, believe me, I know a little something about Enron! [ laughs ] Oh, yeah! They were flying high. They had “Millionaire”, they had “Dharma & Greg”, they had Dennis Miller calling football games – oops! What happened? Didn’t work out, better fire someone! That’s how we do it in Washington. About the only thing they really had was Ted Koppel. Now they’ve got him pissed off, and I’ve seen Koppel when he gets pissed off, his head gets bigger. That’s right. It starts to show up in satellite imaging.

Of course, it’s got to hurt, picking up the New York Times, finding out you’re a dead man walking. Well, don’t sweat it, Ted, you’ll make it. I do. With this ticker, every day I’m a dead man walking. The only thing is, I know about it! [ laughs ] I find that so funny! Ah, but then they got that joker over at CBS, right? He’s making $30 million a year and he’s not happy! Why don’t you try sleeping in a hole under the Blue Ridge Mountains, with a couple of rats and a black-and-white TV, boy? As Vice-President of these United States, I’m gonna strongly suggest Letterman stay put. As for ABC, there’s been some talk about Conan, maybe Chris Rock or Jon Stewart. At least they’re not talking about that Craig Kilborn! That yahoo can’t even understand what he’s reading! [ peeved ] How does a guy who can’t read, with nothing but good looks and charm get to such a high position! [ realizes he just answered his own question ]

Look.. they’re throwing millions of dollars around, why don’t they just go with my favorite – the Dell Computer guy? Oh yeah, he’s young, he’s very charming, and I love it when he goes.. [ imitating ] “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” [ laughs ] I think I do that pretty good! Good God.. you know, I gotta get out more, I’ve been watching too much TV. Aren’t there real issues out there? Didn’t a bunch of people get laid off or something recently? Some new trade deal? Isn’t there a war? Won’t somebody please brief me on something?! I’m going nuts! What good am I gonna be then, five heart attacks a day and nuts? Next thing you know, I’ll be saying, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

01k: Jack Black / The Strokes

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 828

“I knew it wouldn’t be easy. Before the guard got back, I had to somehow convince the monkey to get the keys and open the cell door, then cut the ropes on my hands, then make me a nice breakfast.

SNL Transcripts

01n: Jon Stewart / India.Arie

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Kattan
…..Jon Stewart
Drunk Girl…..Jeff Richards

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey.

This week, Chelsea Clinton was spotted at a Donatella Versace party dancing provocatively with her boyfirend, Iam Clout. Not to be outdone, the Bush daughters have set up a meth lab.

In the current issue of Sports Illustrated, former NBA star Charles Barkley called golf “the most racist sport in the world.” Really, Charles? More racist than Klanball?

When Stevie Wonder took the stage at the Presidential Gala last Sunday, President Bush waved to him. Realizing his faux pas, an embarrassed Bush turned to his wife, Laura, and said, “Oh my God, do you think he saw that?”

It was announced this week that Mike Myers will star in a live version of Dr. Seuss’ “The Cat In The Hat”. While Woody Allen has just agreed to star in the film version of “Hop on Pop”.

A man in Coopville, Washington, this week won $50 for eating 80 steamed mussels in one minute. While another Washington man won $50 for eating 77 smelts in one minute. In a related story, Anna Nicole Smith won $88.6 million for gnawing on a shriveled old hot dog for two years.

Tina Fey: This week, ABC cancelled their game show “The Chair”, hosted by John McEnroe. Here now, weith a Terrible Re-Enactment of McEnroe’s response, is our own Chris Kattan.

[ Chris Kattan enters dressed as McEnroe when he was a tennis player ]

Chris Kattan: [ sighs ] What?! You can’t be serious!! Are you blind?! That shot was perfect!! It was right on the line!! [ he swings his tennis racquet and falls to the floor ]

Tina Fey: Thanks, Chris.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s horrible.

Tina Fey: A terrible re-enactment.

Theresa Castro, one of the co-founders of the Castro Convertible Sofabed Compnay, died this week at the age of 85. Castro would have died in her sleep, had not the hard metal bar from her foldout bed been digging in her back.

According to the National Coalition for the Homeless, the least hospitable cities for the homeless are New York, Atlanta and San Francisco. While the most hospitable city for the homeless is Caldwell, Idaho. Got that, homeless people? You want to start making your way to Caldwell, Idaho!

This weekend, millions of UFO enthusiasts are heading to Nevada for the 11th Annual International UFO Convention. Or as Nevada prostitutes refer to it: The slowest weekend of the year.

A new web site started last year gives married couples in four states the option of divorcing online. For an extra $5, they’ll even send an e-mail to your children telling them it’s not their fault.

Jimmy Fallon: This weekend, a tree frog.. [ buckles over ] Ooh, leg cramp.

Tina Fey: What is it?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I got a leg cramp, I can’t finish the joke.

Tina Fey: Oh, okay. [ looks offscreen ] Stewart, you’re in for Fallon!

[ Jon Stewart runs in excitedly ]

Jon Stewart: Oh man, this is it, I can’t believe this! Tina Fey! Oh, my God! Big time! Little Johnny Stewart, on network! Here we go, big shot. Okay, this ain’t cable, baby. Screw this up, you’re gone. Oh, God! This week! A tree frog –

Jimmy Fallon: [ re-enters ] Hey, I’m back.. I’m feeling a lot better..

Tina Fey: Oh, great. Thanks, Jon, we don’t need you, Jimmy’s alright. We got it.

Jon Stewart: [ heartbroken and stunned ] Can I.. keep the pencil..?

Tina Fey: Yeah, sure.

Jimmy Fallon: [ takes the pencil from Jon as he stands up ] Say, I’m gonna need that.

Jon Stewart: Oh, okay..

[ Jon stands catatonic behind Jimmy and Tina, his eyes on Jimmy’s pencil. Jimmy finally offers the pencil to Jon to get rid of him. Jon grabs the pencil and runs off stage. ]

Edmar Fretok, a Brazilian weight-training instructor broke a world record by doing 111,000 sit-ups in 24 hours. Fretok also set the 24-hour record for most accidental farts.

As an answer to Ken and Barbie, an Iranian dollmaker has created the Middle Eastern equivalent, called Darha and Sara. The dolls are so realistic, that if you remove Sara’s traditional clothing, Darha stones her.

Tina Fey: Spring Break is on the horizon. A time for fun, but possible danger as well. Here now, with tips for a safer Spring Break, is our own Drunk Girl.

Drunk Girl: [ laughing coyingly ] Shut up! [ laughs ] I’m totally going no Spring Break this year! I’ve been going to Spring Break since I was.. twelve. So, I know what guys like, and I know what they want! [ laughs ] And I’ll tell you what, girls.. you can’t wait.. ’cause he doesn’t need you.. He could be able to wait.. ’til midnight! [ laughs ] Guess what! Guess what! I got a tattoo! Do you wanna know where it is?

Tina Fey: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know where it is!

Tina Fey: No.

Drunk Girl: Do you wanno where it is! Do you wanno whe-i-is!

Tina Fey: No.

Drunk Girl: [ pulls her shirt down to reveal tattoo above breast ] It’s right here! [ laughs ] A ltitle butterfly.. And he’s flying! [ laughing ]

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, don’t you think you’re setting a bad example?

Drunk Girl: I’m tough, okay! I take cardio-boxing.

Tina Fey: Okay, that’s what I’m talking about, self-defense –

Drunk Girl: Yeah, I’ll show you! Come at me! Come at me like you’re pissed!

Tina Fey: No, I’m not gonna come at you.

Drunk Girl: Come on, come on, come on..

Tina Fey: Okay. [ cautiously, she taps Drunk Girl lightly on the cheek ]

Drunk Girl: Come on!

Tina Fey: I did, I did already, I hit you in the face. [ slaps Drunk Girl lightly in the face ]

Drunk Girl: [ suddenly weeping ] Why did you hit me..?

Tina Fey: [ comforting Drunk Girl ] I’m sorry..

Drunk Girl: I told you to “come at me..”

Tina Fey: I’m sorry, Drunk Girl. I didn’t mean it.

Drunk Girl: I’m okay.. I just got scared.

Tina Fey: Aw, you’ll be okay.. you’ll be okay.

Drunk Girl: You’re so kind and good to me, Tina..

Tina Fey: Oh, well, thank you, Drunk Girl.

Drunk Girl: Have you.. have you ever kissed a girl?

Tina Fey: [ stern ] No. No. No.

Drunk Girl: You thought about it, though, right?

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, let’s not go into this.. [ Drunk Girl moves in with an open mouth, trying to kiss Tina ] Drunk Girl, no. No! Not like this.

Drunk Girl: What?! Where am I!! What’s going on!! Oh, my God.. [ breathes heavily to collect herself ] Do you wanna see my other tattoo! [ starts to lift up her skirt ]

Tina Fey: Drunk Girl, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, New York, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

01k: Jack Black / The Strokes

Jack Black’s Monologue

…..Jack Black

Jack Black: This has been a dream of mine for a long time, people. And I’ve been watching this show since I was about twelve years old, and.. God, I can’t even explain it in words, it’s just like.. I don’t know. Some of you may know that I’m sort of a music dude. And I’ve prepared a song that I think best expresses my feelings about this unbelievable experience.

[ grabs his guitar and sits at op a stool ]

“Feels like a dream
like some delicious fantasy.
Seems to me it can’t be real,
but it is.

A beam of light
shining down and engulfing me on the stage.
For the first time in my life, I can see
that the lucky one is not me, but you
because you get to see me!

The most talented man that the world has ever seen!
It’s me!
Like a cross between a lightning bolt and James Dean!
I only wish that I was you looking at me!“

[ soliquey ]
I mean, wow! This is where Eddie Murphy worked.
This is where John Belushi and Gilda Radner stood – right up here.
And now I’m here!

“And I’m-a blowing them off the stage with my intensity!
Erasing their memory from the annals of history!
Changing the way that historians think about comedy!
Come on now, Cage, twin tin flute solo, come on!”

[ comes out for his twin tin flute solo ]

We’ve got a really grat show tonight – The Strokes are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

01k: Jack Black / The Strokes

Tales of Valour

Narrator…..Darrell Hammond
Garkenlot…..Jack Black
Sir Parrish…..Jimmy Fallon
Virgin…..Amy Poehler
…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: It’s time once again for “Tales of Valour”.

[ dissolve to Narrator sitting at a chair with a book in his hand ]

Narrator: Tonight’s Tale of Valour is entitled “The Song of Parrish”, and it deals with a kingdom under the spell of a horrible monster. Once a year, the people were forced to sacrifice a virgin of fair face and noble temperment to this foul beast. This year,however, was different, for the brave knight, Sir Parrish, had set out to rescue his true love, Maid Gwendolyn.

[ dissolve to the monster Gorkenlot salivating over the fresh, young virgin ]

Gorkenlot: Yes! Yeah!

[ Sir Parrish jumps into the scene ]

Sir Parrish: Unhand her, you foul beast!

Gorkenlot: Who dares challenge Garkenlot?

Sir Parrish: I am Parrish the Lionhearted, true love to the Maid Gwendolyn. [ holds up his mighty sword ] Release her at once, or suffer at the steel of my sword, which has been forged by the fires of Mount Thunder, and bequeathed to me by the –

[ Gorkenlot simply punches Sir Parrish in the face, knocking him to the ground ]

Sir Parrish: Dammit! you’re quick for a mosnter.

Gorkenlot: Any last words?

Sir Parrish: I’m sorry I have failed you, Gwendolyn.

Maid Gwendolyn: You have braved, and I will always love thee.

Sir Parrish: Of all the wanton women in the village, you stood above them as the purest.

Gorkenlot: [ sidetracked by this illicit information ] Wait, wait – there’s a lot of women in your village.

Sir Parrish: Yes.

Gorkenlot: Maybe we can strike a little bargain here.

Sir Parrish: I might be willing to listen to something.

Gorkenlot: I’ll let you live, and you can take the virgin with you. But you have to bring me back a slutty girl.

Sir Parrish: [ confused and outraged ] What?!

Gorkenlot: You know, like a bored housewife who’s kind of hot and feels neglected by her husband.

Sir Parrish: But you don’t want a virgin?

Gorkenlot: I’ll be honest with you, buddy – on paper, a virgin sounds great. But in reality, not that good.

Sir Parrish: But I thought even a monster would dsire someone who was pure.

Gorkenlot: I’m just looking for a woman who knows what she’s doing.

Maid Gwendolyn: There’s nothing to be prized above purity.

Sir Parrish: I cherish your purity.

Gorkenlot: Yeah. Come talk to me after your wedding night. Tell me how great it was.

Sir Parrish: So you want a slutty girl?

Gorkenlot: Absolutely! Now, come on, let me think.. I like dark hair, what else? I don’t want a skinny girl, either. I like a little junk in the trunk!

Sir Parrish: So you want a big girl?

Gorkenlot: No, no, no! I don’t want a hog! But, you know, a few extra pounds are okay. Let’s face it – bones are for dogs!

Sir Parrish: Okay!

Gorkenlot: Maybe a lady in her 40’s, who might be a little more sexually adventurous!

Sir Parrish: So virgins aren’t adventurous?

Gorkenlot: Again – talk to me after your wedding night.

Maid Gwendolyn: Listen. I can be adventurous. I-I-I once French-kissed a boy for ten seconds!

Gorkenlot: She’s a real hell cat!

Maid Gwendolyn: After we’re married, I might leave the lights on while we do it!

Sir Parrish: [ alarmed ] Ouch! I see what you mean.

Gorkenlot: And good luck getting her to go down south!

Sir Parrish: Really?

Gorkenlot: And if you do talk them into it, they think it’s a chew toy! Ah!

Sir Parrish: Is that why you let last year’s sacrifice go free?

Gorkenlot: No! She was thirteen! I’m a monster, but that’s sick!

Sir Parrish: I didn’t know it was so tough being a monster.

Gorkenlot: Well, it is! I don’t want to be a monster. I don’t want to hurt your village. All I’ve ever wanted.. is to be loved.

Sir Parrish: I think I understand. A witch turned you into a monster, and you have to get a woman to fall in love with you before you can turn back into a prince.

Gorkenlot: Hey, if that’ll get a nasty broad up here, sure I’ll go with it! So go untie your lady, get out of here!

Maid Gwendolyn: You know, I can be wild – I own a black bra.

Sir Parrish: [ unties Gwendolyn ] Hey, I was thinking.. maybe we should give each other space..

Maid Gwendolyn: [ confused ] What?

Gorkenlot: Hey, hurry back now – with the slutty girl!

Sir Parrish: [ laughing ] I promise, Gorkenlot!

Gorkenlot: Hey! If you’re not back by Friday, I’m gonna kill your whole family!

[ dissolve back to Narrator, his nose buried in his book ]

Narrator: And Sir Parrish kept his word, and brought the monster a slutty older woman. She kind of looked like Melanie Griffith with dark hair. And there’s pictures in this book of them doing it! But, because this is TV, I can’t show them to you. But, take it from me, a conneiseur of porn, they look so great. Daddy like! D-yamn! I gotta show this book to Tracy. [ looks offstage ] Hey, Tracy! Check this out!

[ Tracy Morgan enters stage and looks over Narrator’s shoulder at the book ]

Tracy Morgan: Oh, snap! That monster’s bonin’ that lady! That’s hilarious!

[ fade out ]

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Kirsten Dunst’s Monologue

…..Kirsten Dunst
…..Horatio Sanz

Kirsten Dunst: Thank you very very much! I am so happy to be here! I was actually here once before. When I was 6 I played one of George Bush’s granddaughters in a sketch with Dana Carvey, take a look.

(fades to the sketch)

President George Bush: Ya, ya like that. God bless everybody, I will see you in January. But until then from all of us…LIVE FROM NEW YORK ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!

(fades back to monologue)

Kirsten Dunst: Thank you, but that was a long time ago, Bush was president.

(Spiderman theme plays & Horatio Sanz is lowered from ceiling)

Horatio Sanz: It’s me the Amazing Spiderman. It sounded like you were having trouble with the monologue.

Kirsten Dunst: Actually, it was going good.

Horatio Sanz: Oh, I thought I smelled trouble.

Kirsten Dunst: Nope, it was goin’ good.

Horatio Sanz: Oh, ok sorry about that. Alright guys can you bring me back up? No? Ok, then can you lower me gently? No!? Ok, I guess I am here then.

Kirsten Dunst: Hey Spiderman, you look different.

Horatio Sanz: Uh yea, I was stung by a thousand bees, that’s why I’m all puffy. Not my thin handsome self.

Kirsten Dunst: Um…Where in Manhattan do you get stung by a thousand bees?

Horatio Sanz: Uh, I was fighting “Bee Man!”

Kirsten Dunst: I’ve never even heard of “Bee Man.”

Horatio Sanz: Luckily you never will because I beat him up bad. Hey guess what!?

Kirsten Dunst: What?

Horatio Sanz: I saved you again! I guess I deserve a kiss.

Kirsten Dunst: Yea, I guess so.

(Horatio makes moaning noises)

Kirsten Dunst: Are you spider senses tingling?

Horatio Sanz: Ugh, I am getting nauseous. All right, I am gonna need some help! I think I am going to puke! Help me down!

Kirsten Dunst: Spiderman are you ok?

Horatio Sanz: Yea, that was close.

Kirsten Dunst: I know.

Horatio Sanz: I feel a lot better (leans in to try to kiss Kirsten). Uh no I don’t! I am gonna blow chunks! Guys hurry up!

(Making vomiting noises into trashcan)

Horatio Sanz: Ok, I’m better. Hey kiss me I’m Spiderman!

Kirsten Dunst: Eeww! No you just puked!

Horatio Sanz: Aww, C’mon I’m Spiderman! I saved your life!

Kirsten Dunst: No you’re not Spiderman.

Horatio Sanz: You’re right I’m not. It’s me Horatio. I was just pretending to be Spiderman. I’m sorry. I feel like an idiot. I bought this outfit in Times Square, I got some guys from the crew to hook me up with these wires, because I wanted to impress you. All I did was end up making a fool out of myself.

Kirsten Dunst: Wait! You did all of that for me? That’s very sweet.

(Kisses Horatio on the cheek)

Horatio Sanz: Hey Maybe we can hang out after the show.

Kirsten Dunst: Meh, don’t even think about it. Ok we’ve got a great show for you tonight, Eminem is here so stick around a

Thanks to Diana for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01s: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem

Wake Up Wakefield

Megan…..Maya Rudolph
Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch
Jenna…..Kirsten Dunst
Emily….Ana Gasteyer
Tina…..Tina Fey
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on hands holding the “Wake Up Wakefield” sign ]

Megan V/O: Welcome to “Wake Up Wakefield”, taped in front of a live audience at Jenna Jenaya’s slumber party.

[ sign is lowered, revealing Megan, Sheldon and other girls at slubmer party, in pajamas and sleeping bags ]

Megan: Well, it’s 10:55 P.M., and if you are watching this, it means that you stole the tape from this slumber party. Give it back. I’m your host, Megan, and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey.

Megan: Well, we’re on location tonight, in Jenna Jenaya’s basement, because: 1. I know her from church; and 2. she lives next door to one Mr. Randy Goldman. And although I have not seen him this evening, I did get my picture taken with his dog.

Sheldon: Uh.. as you can see, we’re doing a kind of town meeting quorum tonight. Um.. let’s open it up with some questions.

Amy: Yeah, I have a question. Why is Jenna acting like she’s asleep? She’s so snotty!

Tina: She is so snotty!

Megan: Hey, come on, you guys..

Amy: She thinks she’s the only person who has ever had a broken wrist, like she invented it!

Emily: I heard Jenna was supposed to get her caps off already, but she kept it on because she’s milking it. [ laughs ]

Tina: She thinks she’s so cool!

Jenna: I can hear you guys, I’m not asleep! Thanks a lot, and for your information, I don’t think I’m cool, I just think I’m an interesting person!

Sheldon: You guys.. um.. sometimes people seem snotty, but they’re really just shy.

Amy: Uh.. shut up, Sheldon! Why is Sheldon ever here?! He’s a boy!

Tina: Yeah, is Sheldon staying all night?

Megan: Um.. Sheldon’s parents asked if he could stay overnight with me.. because they said they needed to “talk some stuff out.”

Sheldon: Yeah, it’s.. um.. it’s nothing to worry about..

Megan: Yeah.

Sheldon: So.. um.. five girls and one guy. [ laughs ] I’ve heard these situations can get.. pretty crazy! [ laughs ]

Amy: Oh, my God, you guys! Jenna’s sleeping bag smells like B.O.!

Jenna: I’m not asleep!!

Emily: You guys, I saw her take ecstasy in the bathroom.

Megan: Who needs ecstasy, when you live right next door to.. [ quiver in her voice ] ..Randy Goldman.

Tina: Only a slut would take ecstasy at her own sleepover.

Jenna: [ crying ] I can HEAR you!! It was Claritan!! I took a Claritan for my allergies!! Thanks a LOT, you guys!!

Sheldon: [ awkwardly ] Claritan is the poor man’s Zurtec.

Megan: Well.. now it’s time, again, for everyone’s favorite slubmer party game – Call Randy Goldman and Hang Up!

Emily: God.. all night..

[ Megan dials the phone; it rings; the girls shake ]

Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?

[ the girls try to stifle their excitement ]

Voice of Randy Goldman: Hello?!

[ Megan quickly hangs up ]

Megan: That was awesome!

Sheldon: Um.. the next part of our show is the Daily Poll. Today’s poll question was submitted by Wmily. Oh, man.. okay. “Who at Wakefield Middle School would you like to make out with?”

Megan: I’ll go first. I would like to make out.. with Randy Goldman. I would kiss him, on his juicy lips, and smell his clean-boy smell. And he would be like, “Megan.. your eyes are so pretty!” I’d be like, “Wha-a-at? Awesome!” Then he would take me by the hand, and lead me gently into the A/V closet..

Amy: Oh, this is so boring! Let’s get back to lip-syncing!

[ puts music on ]

Jenna: You guys!! My dad’s gonna kill us!! Turn that off!!

[ music is turned off ]

Amy: Hey, you guys, I have a poll! How many people heard that Jenna put a frozen hot dog in her nooners!

Tina: I totally heard that, too!

Megan: I never heard that..

Emily: I heard that’s what she does when she’s on ecstasy!

Jenna: Oh, my God, you guys! That’s a lie! I did not put a hot dog in my nooners! [ cries ]

Sheldon: Uh.. uh.. I’m gonna go up to the kitchen and do my.. do my German homework.. I think.

Amy: Good, Sheldon! Why don’t you?!

[ the girls are startled when someone is heard knocking on the basement door ]

Voice of Randy Goldman: [ muffled ] It’s Randy Goldman!

[ the girls become ecstatic at the illicit late-night visit ]

Girls: Oh, my God!!

[ Randy is let inside the basement ]

Randy Goldman: Hey. you guys keep calling me? I have Caller I.D., you know.

[ Megan stands ]

Megan: Oh, my God! Hey, Randy, I didn’t even know you lived around here. Gosh.. well, I don’t care or anything, it’s just.. these pajamas are from Victoria’s Secrets, ’cause.. I don’t know.. I’m pretty grown up.

Jenna: Randy! What are you doing here?! This party is for girls only – and Sheldon.

Sheldon: Hey.

Amy: Hey, Randy! I have a dare for you! I dare you to tell us who you like!

Randy Goldman: Okay, that’s easy. There’s a special girl in this room who I’ve had a crush on for a very long time. I don’t give a crap any more, I’m just gonna tell her!

Megan: [ excited by the prospect ] Oh, my God..!

Randy Goldman: [ looks at Megan ] Megan?

Megan: [ perking up ] Yeah?

Randy Goldman: Move. [ Megan moves aside, Randy approaches Jenna ] Jenna? Will you be my girlfriend?

Jenna: Okay. Whatever.

[ Randy and Jenna make out ]

Megan: Well, that’s cool. Randy Goldman got my name right, for the first time ever. This is.. a pretty good party..

Tina: Hey, guys! Let’s all tickle Sheldon!

[ the girls all crowd around and tickle Sheldon ferociously ]

Megan: That’s all the time we have. I’d like to thank Jenna’s grandma for the fine camerawork.

Sheldon: [ trying to fend off the tickling ] Signing off, I am Sheldon.

Megan: [ whispering ] And I am still the future Mrs. Randy Goldman! Hold on to your dreams!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

War Party

Partygoer #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Partygoer #2…..Will Ferrell
Partygoer #3…..Jeff Richards
Partygoer #4…..Maya Rudolph
Partygoer #5…..Ana Gasteyer
Partygoer #6…..Horatio Sanz
Partygoer #7…..Seth Meyers
Partygoer #8…..Rachel Dratch
Black Man…..Tracy Morgan

Partygoer #1: So, I take a 7-iron from about 190 and crank it. Right on the green.

Partygoer #2: No!

Partygoer #1: Two inches from the club.

Partygoer #3: It’s true. Couldn’t believe it. I lost a pile on that hole.

Partygoer #1: Believe me, he got it all back!

Partygoer #2: So what’s your handicap?

Partygoer #1: 5.. 4.. depends on the course.

Partygoer #4: Ugh! Still golf? Can’t you guys talk about anything else?

Partygoer #2: There is nothing else.

[ they laugh ]

Partygoer #5: No, Cass is right. Anything but golf. How was shopping today, Cass?

Partygoer #4: Oh, a bust. I did get a Nigel Toni bagatare for half-price.

Partygoer #5: Oh, did you bring it!

Partygoer #3: Ugh! Girl talk. I’m out. Drinks, anyone?

Partygoer #6: Everyone! Turn off the music! Everyone! Please!

[ music is turned off ]

Partygoer #2: What is it, Pete?

Partygoer #7: The Northern Alliance! They’ve taken Kandahar!

[ crowd cheers ]

Partygoer #2: Wait! This is amazing! What about Tarin Kowt and Lashkar Gah?

Partygoer #6: No report. But who cares? Kandahar is taken!

Partygoer #5: Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! The Northern Alliance is made up of rough-fighting newsmen and tax chiefs! I mean, they’ve got them on the run now!

Partygoer #7: Kandahar!

Partygoer #5: Kandahar!

Partygoer #2: Kandahar!

Partygoer #2: [ singing ]
“Gee, golly wow
Boy, we’ve got ’em now
Kandahar!”

Crowd: “Kandahar!”

Partygoer #7: [ singing ]
“Say, Taliban
Move your minivans
Kandahar!”

Crowd: “Kandahar!”

Partygoer #4: [ singing ]
“That’s happy news
No more bearded dudes
Kandahar!”

Crowd: “Kandahar!”

Partygoer #5: [ singing ]
“I’m telling you
That’s no pretty suit
Kandahar!”

Crowd: “Kandahar!”

Partygoer #5: Take a solo, Chet!

[ Chet gives a trumpet solo ]

Partygoer #7: [ singing ]
“Forget my bike
I’m gonna ride a trike
Kandahar!”

Crowd: “Kandahar!”

Partygoer #1: [ singing ]
“Who needs a suit
I’m skinny dipping in
Kandahar!”

Crowd: “Kandahar!”

Partygoer #8: [ singing ]
“I’ve got a date
With my future mate
Kandahar!”

Crowd: “Kandahar!”

[ Black Man rushes into room, alarmed by the noise ]

Black Man: Guys, guys! Cool it! What’s going on here?

Partygoer #3: Didn’t you hear? We got Kandahar.

Black Man: Kandahar? Huh? [ music pots up, lights go low ] What’s that? A bag of beans. An old sock. Sand.. sifting through our hands. Oh, you foolish people, when will you learn? You cannot temper hot steel with lilacs and lilies. For you, the flames of war are but a magpie of sullen tar. But nay.. this war.. this festering agon which threatens the ages will not be won in Afghan cities. But in the very bosom of all man’s all too fettered being. So, rejoice not. ‘Tis but a pauper’s doorknob. This Kandahar.

[ music stops, lights go up ]

Partygoer #2: Wow. Wow. Hey, guys, I’ve gotta tell you, even though a lot of the words this wise man used are not real, he’s right. Just because some cities have been taken in Afghanistan, it doesn’t mean the war on terrorism is over. We can’t forget now is not the time to celebrate. We’ve got to show some patience.

Partygoer #6: [ rushes back in ] They’ve taken Jalalabad!

[ crowd cheers ]

Partygoer #2: [ singing ]
“It’s over now
I’m gonna have a cow
Jalalabad!”

Crowd: “Jalalabad!”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 15

01o: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue

The Ferey Muhtar Show

Ferey Mühtar….Horatio Sanz
Tarik Ozekial….Darrell Hammond
Halash….Ian McKellen

[Opens with Turkish Television logo]

Announcer: You are watching channel 114, Turkish State Supported Television.

[A fat TV host with gold chains, uni brow, smoking in a crappy polyester suit appears]

Ferey Mühtar: Hello! I’m Ferey Mühtar! I am resident of Ankara Turkey! We’re going to talk about what is up in the world and the politics on the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Hey man! Welcome to my show!

[Montage of Ferey smoking and laughing on the streets of Turkey]

Tarik Ozekial: Hey! Come on! It’s the Ferey Mühtar talk show! Tonight Ferey’s guests, from Krasko Street, is Halash! And musical guest, Kron! And me, Tarik Ozekial. Hey, listen up! Here he is. The only man in Turkey who is jive-turkey! Its Ferey Mühtar!

[Ferey comes out happy as hell]

Ferey Mühtar: All right! Ok! Hey, how’s everybody doing, eh?! Ahh, that’s good by me! Everybody! Ok, come on! Let’s see what’s in the news. Lots of crazy stuff. Uh-oh! Britney and Justin breaking up! Oooh, that is a bad scene! Bad scene! That is bull-jive! I tell you what Britney, “you’re not a girl, not yet a Halaka shakaika! [laughs hard] Am I right or what?! Anyway, what else? Oh, the middle east. Woo! Crazy man!

Tarik Ozekial: Crazy.

Ferey Mühtar: Crazy down there.

Tarik Ozekial: Crazy.

Ferey Mühtar: Everybody down there should do me a favor. Take a chill pill bro-bro! Take it down a notch! Uh, ok! Everybody! Be cool! Ok! Say hello to my main man, my bro-bro and now for the main man, Tarik Ozekial! Come on!

[Turkish music plays]

[Tarik wears a white crappy suit, big mustache, smoking]

Tarik Ozekial: Hey! No way Jose! Keep on trucking!

Ferey Mühtar: Keep on trucking! Jive turkey! I love you! Let’s get down to business bro! Yes! Yes! Yallah!

Tarik Ozekial: Yallah!!!

Ferey Mühtar: My first guest will never jive me bro! Everybody knows this guy, man! He is famous for running the nightclub Krasko Street. It is the hottest discoteque in western Turkey. Give it up everybody! Come on! Come on! Halash!!!

[Halash is a sleazy looking, gold chain wearing dude, button shirt open, grabs his crotch a couple of times. Shakes hands with Ferey and Tarik and sits down]

Tarik Ozekial: Boy! This guy is number one by me! Believe me! He is dynamite!

[Halash clears throat and spits disgustingly in an ashtray]

Ferey Mühtar: So good to have you here, brother. Halash! Tell me, man. Krasko Street. Obviously hot club! Hot club! Club is the bomb! Bomb! So, what is up my bro-bro? My sugar friend, what are people talking about?

[Darrell’s mustache is coming off]

Halash: I tell you, I got my club, everybody is talking about this malakania. You’ve been to my club, have you Tarik?

Tarik Ozekial: Me come to your club? Don’t give me that sock job, man! No, no, no ,no, no, no. [Ian pastes the mustache on Darrell’s upper lip, Darrell is about to crack up laughing] Don’t jive me, you know how it was.

Halash: What is this bull?

Tarik Ozekial: Well, last night I go to Krasko Street with friends. Being treated like king Harald. I am outside left holding cards. [cracks up laughing] I’m holding cards.

Halash: Carts?

Tarik Ozekial: Don’t you see how you make me feel like an Arab?

Halash: But come on! You know you get into my club anytime you want. You just say “Hey Halash! Eh? Let me into your club” But this time you’re all messed up. You have too much raki.

Tarik Ozekial: No! No! I have two drinks Ferey! Ferey! I have two raki!

Ferey Mühtar: Come on, mook! Don’t bull jive me, man! We all know you have drinking problem. Come on, look at that, look- you got the fake ‘stache man! You can’t even grow the ‘stache, man![Darrell cracks up laughing, fights hard to contain the laughs] He goes to Halash to get the fake ‘stache man! That’s bull-jive! Bull-jive, man!

Tarik Ozekial: All right, all right, all right.

Ferey Mühtar: We got a job to do, bro! Let’s do this show! [kisses his ring, pumps fist up]

Tarik Ozekial: Ok.

Ferey Mühtar: Come on!

Tarik Ozekial: Ok, ok, ok. We cool. I’m sorry.

Ferey Mühtar: Good, holy moly! Ok.

Halash: On with the show.

Ferey Mühtar: Before we get into politics, yes my friend, tell the people about Krasko Street. You got, what? Three dance floors in that mo-fo?!

Halash: Oh, my God, its like crazy man. We got 3 dance floors, we got 2 bars and all the girls, girls everywhere you know, I’m telling you, they’re beautiful, man. They got yellow hair, they’re clean, they wear Jordache jeans, their children wait outside. The whole thing is happening. This is not no bull-club.

Tarik Ozekial: I wish I could go to Krasko Street.

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, man.

Tarik Ozekial: I wish I could go inside there.

Halash: Ok, let me just say this. I always let you in my club. But you were wasted. You were throwing up on yourself. And you pulled a swordon my doorman. How is that a guy who is being cool? You come back you’re my main man. But you’re going to the bathroom on my face? I’m a professional.

Tarik Ozekial: Hey! Get off my bone with that already! You didn’t let me in the club, man! What more is there to say?

Ferey Mühtar: Hey! What more is there to say? I tell you what there is to say! I have a hackmakril! I don’t need to to drink more raki!!!! Lay off the hard stuff, man!

Tarik Ozekial: I try…

Ferey Mühtar: Chill out! Come on!

Tarik Ozekial: I’m trying to chill. Sometimes is very, very hard. [Darrell’s mustache has completely fallen off, hides his laughs]

Halash: Anyway, here is what is going on in politics….

[Turkish music]

Ferey Mühtar: Oh, no! What are you-oh my god! You are pulling my chain! Hey, man! I’m sorry Halash! This is jive! We are out of time. I apologize to Kron. We got to bump Kron. A great band. This is junk, man. Ok.

Tarik Ozekial: Bull-jive.

Ferey Mühtar: Very bull-jive, my friend. Pleasure to have you Halash. Ok, Halash! Everyone please go to Krasko Street hottest club in western Turkey. Later, my dudes!

[Turkish TV logo]

Announcer: This has been a Ferey Mühtar production.

Ferey’s voice: That’s me!

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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