…. Buck Henry …. the entire cast …. Michael O’Donoghue …. Don Pardo/V.O.
(FADE in on Buck Henry and the entire cast plus writer Michael O’Donoghue at a darkened home base. The piano line at the beginning of the closing theme can be heard in the background.)
Buck Henry: Thank you. Thank you all folks. I wanna thank everyone here for a terrific week. And there’s something I’d like to say, you know, the cast, the crew, the cameras, the booms, the people in the booth everything, they’re incredible people, and the amazing thing about it is that every one of them here, they’re all gay.
(The audience along with the cast slightly giggle.)
Buck Henry: But they’re just like normal people, just like you or me. And I just wanted to point that out before we say goodnight. Thanks a lot.
(Audience applause as we pull back to see Buck and the cast at home base on an overhead view, stage right. Closing theme plays, credits roll)
Don Pardo/V.O.: The Muppets are Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Alice Tweedy, Richard Hunt and Jim Henson. Next week, our guests will be Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. This is Don Pardo saying goodnight.
(Pull back to reveal the cast from their own audience view. FADE out.)
Mr. Thompson…..Buck Henry Nurse…..Laraine Newman Jed Leland…..Chevy Chase Charles Foster Kane…..Dan Aykroyd Mr. Bernstein…..John Belushi Henri…..Tom Schiller Delivery Boy…..Garrett Morris
[ black-and-white ]
[open on the dark, moody atmosphere of Mr. Thompson’s room. He lies on his bed reading, as a knock sounds at the door. He rises to answer it, allowing a Nurse to enter the room. ]
Mr. Thompson: Yes? Can I help you?
Nurse: I.. don’t suppose you remember me, but.. I’m the nurse that was with Mr. Kane when he died.
Mr. Thompson: [ momentarily confused ] Mr. Kane?
Nurse: Charles Foster Kane – the big newspaper tycoon.
Mr. Thompson: Of course! You’re the one who told us Mr. Kane’s last word – Rosebud. Huh.. never did find out what it meant.
Nurse: Well.. Rosebud was.. one of his last words.
Mr. Thompson: What do you mean, one of his last words?
Nurse: Well, you mustn’t get angry.. but I just remembered a few more.
[ Mr. Thompson sits on the edge of his bed, across from the Nurse who sits in a chair ]
Nurse: You see, he was on this all-liquid diet —
Mr. Thompson: Get to the point, woman! What were Charles Foster Kane’s last words?!
Nurse: After he said Rosebud, he coughed a few times, then he muttered: “Henri.” And then he died.
Mr. Thompson: Henri? Henri.. ah! Henri! Of course! A man’s name! Kane’s closest friend, Jed Leland, is still alive in one of those uptown hospitals. Let’s pay him a visit! If anyone knows who thie Henri is, he will!
[ Mr. Thompson and the Nurse rush out of the room, as the music crescendos again and we fade to black ]
[ fade in on the close-up face of an aged, spectacled, moustachioed Jed Leland ]
Jed Leland: [ pondering the clue ] Henri.. hmm.. Henri..
[ pull out to reveal Jed Leland sitting in a wheelchair. He turns to face Mr. Thompson, who sits with his back to the audience and obscured by shadows ]
Jed Leland: You’re absolutely sure you don’t have a good cigar? I’d give anything for a good cigar.
Mr. Thompson: Sorry, Mr. Leland, but what about this Henri?
Jed Leland: Who?
Mr. Thompson: Henri.
Jed Leland: Henri. Well, I’m afraid I don’t know any — nope.. wait a minute. [ suddenly remembering ] Why, of course. Henri. The little French man. I’ll never forget the first and last time I saw Henri. It was the day Charlie took over the Enquirer. My, what a day it was..
[ flashback dissolve to the Enquirer office, Mr. Bernstein standing alone as Charles Foster Kane and a younger Jed Leland enter ]
Charles Foster Kane: [ chuckling ] Well, Jedediah, here it is! My own newspaper, the New York Enquirer. And I’m going to turn this newspaper into something that this own will want to read. Why, just look at this dribble! [ holds up a newspaper ] “Noted Mitten Manufacturer Retires.”
Mr. Bernstein: Why, it must be a slow day for news, Mr. Kane!
Charles Foster Kane: A slow day for news, Bernstein? I’ll show you a slow day for news!
[ Kane points a gun out the window and fires 6 shots below ]
Charles Foster Kane: Take a headline, Bernstein: “Crazed Sniper Guns Down Six!” We’ll have theinnocent men, women and children angle an offer for $10,000 for the madman’s capture!
Mr. Bernstein: Right away, Mr. Kane! [ rushes out of office ]
Charles Foster Kane: Slow days for news —
[ Delivery Boy enters office ]
Delivery Boy: Did anyone order a roast beef on rye with mustard?
Charles Foster Kane: Yeah, I did. Thanks.
[ Delivery Boy distributes the sandwiches, then exits office ]
Jed Leland: Let’s see here, what am I, chopped liver?
[ Henri the printer rushes in with the new front page reading: “Crazed Sniper Guns Down Six – Woman and Children Among Victims”. Mr. Bernstein appears behind him. ]
Henri: Here’s ze new front page, Mr. Kane!
Charles Foster Kane: Well, you certainly took your time about it, boy. What’s your name?
Henri: Henri, sir.
Charles Foster Kane: Henri, you’re fired! We’re running a scandal sheet here, not a newspaper! [ starts to eat his sandwich ] Mmm.. great sandwich.
Henri: Funny.. I thought it was: “We’re running a newspaper, not a tea party.”
Mr. Bernstein: A tea party?! That doesn’t make sense! how about: “We’re running a newspaper here, not a pet shop!”
Jed Leland: Uh, wait a minute. Obviously, we’re not running a pet shop. That’s no good.
[ Delivery Boy re-enters scene ]
Delivery Boy: Who, uh, gets the tea with no lemon?
Henri: How about, uh.. police office!
Mr. Bernstein: Oh, yeah.. hey! That’s a good idea! “We’re not running a newspaper here –“
[ suddenly, Charles Foster Kane fires 5 more shots out the window ]
Charles Foster Kane: Get out an extra! “Sniper Strikes Again!” Double the reward!
[ everyone but Kane and Leland clear the room ]
Jed Leland: You know, since you took over, you certainly have changed the Enquirer, Charlie.
Charles Foster Kane: Change the Enquirer.. change the newspaper.. I haven’t changed anything, Jedediah. I’ve only changed the front page. What about its heart, its soul, its very being? That’s why I’ve set out this Declaration of Principles. [ posts card on the wall ] 1. Sell millions of newspapers by any means possible. 2. Make that billions of newspapers.
Jed Leland: Can I keep that, Charlie? I have a hunch it could turn out to be pretty important some day.
Charles Foster Kane: [ reflects ] Important someday. Yeah. [ looks out the window ] Jedediah, do you think I can hit that organ grinder down there, from this far away? He looks to be about.. oh.. one-hundred, two-hundred yards. Let’s see if I can get a beat on him. [ fires a shot ] Damn! Bernstein!
[ Mr. Bernstein re-appears ]
Mr. Bernstein: Yes, Mr. Kane!
Charles Foster Kane: Get out an extra! “Sniper Kills Organ Grinder’s Monkey, Not Even Pets Safe in Weird Murder Spree.”
Mr. Bernstein: Sure thing, Mr. Kane!
[ Kane admires the copy of his newspaper, as he flash-dissolve back to the aged Jed Leland in the hospital ]
Jed Leland: Yeah.. Henri. That’s who Henri was.
Mr. Thompson: He doesn’t really seem important enough, somehow. I mean, why would Kane’s last words be about some printer he fired fifty years before?
Nurse: Oh, wait.. I’m sorry. I just remembered that Mr. Kane said one more thing before he died. He said: “Rosebud”, coughed a few times, muttered: “Henri”, and then he turned to me and whispered: “With Mustard.”
Mr. Thompson: Wait a minute.. let’s put this all together: “Rosebud.. Henri.. With Mustard.” I wonder what it means.
Nurse: Beats me.
Jed Leland: Well, maybe it was a horse he bet — [ Chevy Chase suddenly cracks up ] It could’ve been a horse he bet on!
Mr. Thompson: Yes, that might be amusing if it were.
Nurse: Maybe a woman he knew.
Jed Leland: Might be.
Mr. Thompson: I guess we’ll never know.
[ dissolve to a fiery incinerator. The door is pulled open, and a hand inserts a menu into the flames that read: “Roast Beef On Rye With Mustard” ]
[ fade to black, up on SUPER: “The End” ]
[ dissolve to SUPER: “Introducing The Cast” ]
[ dissolve to “Laraine Newman as the nurse.” ]
Nurse: You see, he was on this all-liquid diet.
[ dissolve to “Chevy Chase as Jed Leland.” ]
Jed Leland: I’d give anything for a good cigar.
[ dissolve to “Buck Henry as Mr. Thompson.” ]
Mr. Thompson: What do you mean, one of his last words?
[ dissolve to “John Belushi as Mr. Bernstein.” ]
Mr. Bernstein: How about: “We’re running a newspaer here, not an ant farm!”
[ dissolve to “Tom Schiller as Henri.” ]
Henri: Here’s ze new front page, Monsieur Kane!
[ dissolve to “Garret Morris as the delivery boy.” ]
Delivery Boy: Who gets the roast beef on rye with mustard?
[ dissolve to “Dan Aykroyd as Charles Foster Kane.” ]
…Buck Henry
Jake Blues…John Belushi
Elwood Blues…Dan Aykroyd
…Howard Shore and his All-Bee Band
[Open on close-up of Buck Henry as the song “King Bee” begins playing]
Buck Henry: And they say they don’t know where the new comics are coming from. Anyway, here’s Howard Shore and his All-Bee Band.
[Applause. Dissolve to close-up of lead singer Jake Blues. He and his silent partner Elwood are both dressed as Bees. Elwood plays harmonica, accompanied by the All-Bee Band]
Jake Blues: All right! All right. All right, now, are you ready for the blues? Lemme hear you say “Yeah!” Yeah! All right, all right. Are you feelin’ all right? Lemme hear you say “Yeah!” Yeah! All right, all right, now how many people out there, how many men out there ever had an old lady leave ’em? Lemme hear you say “Yeah!” Yeah! All right, everybody, that’s everybody, that’s everybody. All right. Well, lemme give you some free advice, all right? You know, my old lady comes up to me and she says “You been messin’ around.” My old la-deees come up to me and they say “You been messin’ around with some other women.” And I say “Honey, honey, you just take me as I am or you just let me be.” That’s right
[sings] ‘Cause I’m a king bee buzzin’ ’round your hive
Well I’m a king bee, baby, buzzin’ ’round your hive
Well I can make honey, baby, let me come inside.
Well I’m a king bee, I want you to be my queen, yeah
I’m a king bee, baby, want you to be my queen
Well, together we can make honey, baby, the world has never seen.
Well sting me, baby! [Jake does a few cartwheels and somersaults]
I’m a king bee, I can buzz all night long
Well I’m a king bee, baby, I can buzz all night long
Well I can buzz better, baby, when your man is…
When your man is…
When your maaan is…
[low, quaking voice] When yo’ maaan…
[Rapidly] When-your-man-is…
[unintelligible yell]… When-your-man-is…
Whed-you-la-la-la…
When your man is gone!
[Jake climbs onto a stool and jumps off, lying on stage as Elwood and the band finish the song. Applause and fade]
Mother … Jane Curtin Father … Dan Aykroyd Debbie … Gilda Radner
[In a living room at bedtime, a little girl namedDebbie, wearing pajamas, listens intently as hermother reads aloud from a children’s book:]
Mother: “… said Pilot Porcupine as he skillfully seta northerly course. As they climbed higher and higher,the passengers could see the–“
Father: [wearing mechanic’s overalls, enters, removeshis cap and sighs] Hi.
Mother: Oh, hi, honey.
[Father gives mother a kiss and tosses his cap aside,clearly exhausted from a long day at work.]
Debbie: Hi, Daddy!
Mother: [to father] Hey, sweetheart, I have to go topottery class and catch up on my glazing. Will you putDebbie to bed?
Father: Yeah, okay.
Mother: Oh, thanks. [to Debbie] Goodbye, sweetie.
Debbie: Bye, Mom.
Father: Take the wagon, okay, honey?
Mother: Okay.
[Mother exits as father, groaning and stretching histired limbs, collapses onto the sofa.]
Debbie: [enthusiastically joins father on the sofa]Daddy! Could – could you tell me a story before I goto bed?
Father: [wearily dismissive] I don’t know any stories,Debbie. Go on to bed now.
Debbie: Couldn’t you tell me a story about your work?
Father: There’s nothing at the garage that wouldinterest a little girl. Now, go on to bed, okay?[lights a cigarette]
Debbie: No, Daddy, couldn’t you please tell me astory?! I won’t be able to fall asleep! Oh, PLEASE!Oh, PLEASE!
Father: [exasperated] Okay! All right, I got a storyfor ya. [Debbie listens raptly as her father describeshis work as if it were a children’s story] Once upon atime, a guy comes into the shop with a small blockChevy 6. I take a look at it. I say, I know there’ssome tappet knocking here so I pull the valve coveroff, I strip the gasket, and I’m all set to tightendown the rocker arms, and there’s a whole lot o’ oil–
Debbie: Daddy, was there a bear?
Father: No, but a guy was as mad as a bear when I toldhim he was lookin’ at a ring job. You know, it’sexpensive. So he said he didn’t know, so I startedpullin’ the differential out of the tow truck–
Debbie: Was there a tiny dwarf?
Father: Yeah. Yeah, there was a dwarf, right in thehub. So I chased him with a hammer all the way downthe axle and I pulled the hub off and it turned out itwas just a wheel bearing and not the pinion gearlike–
Debbie: And – and – and did ya find any magic beans?
Father: Yeah. Well, there was this one guy, said he’dgive me three hundred and twenty-two magic beans ifI’d, uh, open his ports a bit, uh, blow the engine outto forty thousand over and, uh, bolt on a set o’headers.
Debbie: Was there a witch?
Father: I used the winch to drop a three eighteen intothe old Dodge pick-up, yeah.
Debbie: And did the – did the princess find the frog?
Father: No, but I did — right in the starter drive.Right between the Bendix spring and the armature. So Ipulled out the armature, replaced all the brushes andit run–
Debbie: Did Bambi come out of the forest?
Father: Bambi? Yeah, Bambi came out of the forest,this guy was goin’ about sixty — WHAMMO! — hisradiator, the grill, gone! I had to put it right in.You know how hard it is to replace a radiator on a ’63Chevy? Ya gotta–
Debbie: Did they all get married and live happily everafter?
Father: Well, this guy was married and the bill wasn’ttoo bad. Now go to bed, will ya please?
Debbie: Okay.
[Debbie kisses her father, scurries toward the stairsbut stops and turns.]
Debbie: Daddy?
Father: What do you want now?
Debbie: If you put on new tie rods and king pins, doyou have to do a complete wheel alignment?
Father: Yeah, ya do, usually, yeah.
[Satisfied, Debbie runs upstairs. Father does adelayed double take, amazed that there was somethingat the garage that would interest a little girl …]
[pull back to audience wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… God Never Meant For Pictures To Fly Through The Air”]
Buck Henry: Thank you, thank you, thank you all very much. Now, you’re all probably wondering, as I am wondering, why I have been chosen to host the show. After all, it’s quite true I am not a comic; I don’t sing, I don’t dance. Oh sure, I’ve acted in a few films, a few television shows.. I’ve written a few, but those aren’t ordinarilly the prerequisites to hosting a big show like this one. I probably wasn’t their first choice.
[ SUPER: “BUCK IS RIGHT. HE WAS NOT OUR FIRST CHOICE” ]
But I’ve been in the business long enough to know that what possibly might have happened is that a major movie star, or a big celebrity of some kind, was booked to do the show, became ill or something at the last minute, and so they called me. But this does not hurt my feelings. There’s nothing wrong with being the second choice. I can take that. I think my ego is strong enough to accept the possibility that they called one or two other people.
[ SUPER: “HERE’S A PARTIAL LIST OF PEOPLE WE CALLED BEFORE BUCK:
CHARO STEVE ROSSI GREGG MORRIS ALDO RAY NEVILLE BRAND FERNANDO LAMAS JIMMY BOYD DAWN PAUL WINCHELL JOHN CAMERON SWAYZE SAM YORTY KYLE ROTE BERT CONVY MOREY AMSTERDAM THE TWO STOOGES EARL SCHIEB FRANK BORMAN BARRY NEWMAN PAUL NEWMAN RANDY NEWMAN EDWIN NEWMAN ALFRED E. NEWMAN PHYLLIS NEWMAN WERNER ERHARD CHASTITY BONO TRICIA COX TED BESSEL JIM BACKUS GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO SAM THE SHAM TOTIE FIELDS SID MELTON JERRY MATHERS TOMMY RETTIG CANTINFLAS BILLY BARTY JOHN DAVIDSON GENTLE BEN MARTIN LANDAU and/or BARBRA BAIN MARK SPITZ STEVEN WEED CARL BETZ DESI ARNAZ JR. FRANK SINATRA JR. GARY CROSBY ROSEMARIE “AMAZING” KRESKIN RIP TAYLOR GREG ALLMAN ED McMAHON KUKLA RUSTY HAMER YUSEF LATIF PEREZ PRADO” ]
The point is, that I’m deeply honored. Quite frankly, I’m honored that they called me. And I don’t mind saying that as far as I’m concerned this is the best damn show in television. Well, the cast and the writers are the most talented, the hardest-working, the most devoted people that I’ve ever worked with. In this short week, we’ve all grown incredibly close. You know something – they do this show in about four days, which is an incredible feat in television. And every moment of those four days, those kids backstage, those people in the booth out there, those, everyone behind the scenes have been working, building, making costumes, rehearsing, and all with a single purpose in mind. That’s to make me look good out here. My gosh, how hard they’ve all worked. It looks easy when it’s all finished. But we’ve really put in a lot of long, hard, tough hours.
[ SUPER: “WE? BUCK’S A LITTLE OUT OF LINE HERE.” ]
I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard. It’s almost like doing a telethon. I’ll tell you something – I don’t want to sound like a show business phony, but it’s been such a good time that taking money from this almost seems like stealing. I feel guilty even getting paid for it.
[ SUPER: “BUCK DEMANDED CASH IN ADVANCE.” ]
And, I think in all due humility I may just give the money to one of myfavorite charites.
[ SUPER: “HERE’S A PARTIAL LIST OF BUCK’S FAVORITE CHARITIES:
ANVIL BAR AND GRILL VENUS RUB-A-DUB HEALTH SPA STAN’S HEAD SHOP EROS ALL-NIGHT MOVIE HOUSE CARL’S DANISH BOOK STORE VANESSA (555-5822)” ]
I can honestly say that the pleasure of doing this show is being back in good old New York. You know, no matter what they say, that New York is having a pretty rough time, it’s still the Big Apple for me. At least, it’s the greatest city in the world. I mean, everything that means something to me is right here – the theaters, the museums, the art galleries, the libraries, the horse-and-carriage rides in Central Park.. all of my favorite activities.
[ SUPER: “HERE IS A PARTIAL LIST OF BUCK’S FAVORITE ACTIVITIES:
ANVIL BAR AND GRILL VENUS RUB-A-DUB HEALTH SPA STAN’S HEAD SHOP EROS ALL-NIGHT MOVIE HOUSE CARL’S DANISH BOOK STORE VANESSA (555-5822)” ]
At any rate, I know that the highlight of this trip for me will be doing this show tonight. Los Angeles may be my home, but I’m afraid that after this past week it’s just going to seem just a little bit sedate. I know that you’re going to enjoy the rest of these 90 fun-filled minutes just as much as I’ve enjoyed talking to you in these few delightful minutes. You’ve been a teriffic audience, and I sincerely want to thank you for being so responsive, and for making me feel right at home.
[ SUPER: “HERE IS A PARTIAL LIST OF THE PEOPLE WE ARE CALLING RIGHT NOW:
MILTON DELUGG ARTE JOHNSON GORDON MACRAE SHEILA MACRAE HEATHER MACRAE MEREDITH MACRAE JODY MACRAE ANY MEMBER OF THE KING FAMILY ANY MEMBER OF THE LOUD FAMILY MAURICE NADJARI THE CHICAGO SEVEN JUDITH EXNER ART FLEMIMG DUNCAN RENALDO BERT PARKS JOHN MITCHELL MARTY ALLEN” ]
I’ve done a lot of kidding out here, and jokes about New York, jokes about show business, and I’m glad to see you pertain that sense of humor, that special blend of affection and sensibility that is Bicentennial America today. Thank you, and keep watching.
Mike Douglas Impression Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
…Buck Henry Mr. Mike…Michael O’Donoghue
[Open on Buck Henry at home base, standing in front of a red curtain]
Buck Henry: Well, we’ve all seen a lot of impressionists in our lives. Some good, not so good, some fair. But I saw a guy the other night in a club downtown that does the most extraordinary impressions I have ever seen in my life. And we are very proud to bring him to you now. Please give a warm welcome to a man I think will soon be called “the king of impressionists” – Mr. Michael O’Donoghue. [applause]
[Music plays as Mr. Mike enters, wearing a tuxedo with blue ruffles and black bowtie]
Mr. Mike: Hey! Hey! Thank you, thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen. I’d like to, ah… You know, when you’re in show business it always seems you end up at some bar at four o’clock in the morning arguing over who’s the best singer, who’s the best dancer, who’s the funniest comedian. But there’s one thing I think everybody agrees on, and that’s who the nicest guy in show business is. And, of course, I’m talking about Mr. Mike Douglas. [Mr. Mike encourages applause] Yeah! Yeah, come on! You know, I was home the other day and I happened to catch Mike’s show, and a funny thought occured to me. I wondered: what if someone took, ah-ah-ah very large steel needles, say fifteen, eighteen inches long, large steel needles with, um, real sharp points, and plunged them into Mike’s eyes. What, what would his reaction be, huh? [grins] I think it might go something like this.
[Mr. Mike turns his back to the camera to prepare his impression. He turns back around and puts his hands to his eyes, screaming maniacally. He stumbles, twitches and rolls around the stage as he screams, falling off the front.]
Buck Henry: [comes back out and applauds with audience] Absolutely uncanny, isn’t it?
[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]
Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats… to the Land of Gorch.
[ Scred enters, carrying a big cardboard box marked “SCRED: c/o Gortch” ]
Scred: Oh, why, the marital aid that I sent away for!
Peuta: Marital aid?
Scred: Yes, your kinkiness!
Peuta: Why, we’re not even married!
Scred: Oh. Well, then it must be an extra-marital aid. Heh heh heh. Let’s see what we have…
[ Scred opens the box and pulls out a weird device — a rusty silver box about the shape of a portable radio, with switches, knobs and a big red lightbulb at the top. ]
Scred: Oh, boy! Look at this!
Peuta: OH! Scred… what is that thing?
Scred: I don’t know! But isn’t it beautiful? And it’s guaranteed to enhance our enjoyment! Hee hee hee hee!
Peuta: Ahhh.
Scred: Oh boy, yeah. This is gonna be fun.
Peuta: Where did you get that thing?
Scred: Oh, I got it in an ad from a magazine I was reading… it’s called Bound and Gagged. Hee hee hee. Oh, this is going to be so much fun… Ploobis is away, it’ll just be the three of us. You… me… and The Monster.
Peuta: Oh, Scred, I’ve never done anything like this before… I’m frightened!
Scred: Oh, don’t worry… there’s an instruction pamphlet that came with it.
Peuta: Very well, then, dear. I’ll be right back. I’m going to slip into my Frederick’s of Hollywood!
Scred: Oooh, la la la!
[ Peuta exits. ]
Scred: Ah, boy. Whatta girl. She may not be beautiful, but she sure knows how to ring my bell. Let’s see, I gotta find those instructions. Oh, yeah, here they are. Uhh… oh, NO!
Peuta: [ offscreen: ] What’s the matter?
Scred: It’s the instructions! I can’t read ’em! They’re in Japanese!
[ Peuta enters, wearing a purple-fringed robe. ]
Peuta: Urrrgghhh. Aren’t they all. What are we gonna do now?
Scred: Aw, don’t worry, I think I’ll be able to figure it out. Yeah. I know what to do. Just get ready there.
Peuta: Oh, I’m so excited! Ha ha! What do you want me to do, Scred?
Scred: Uh… if you could just put your head down on the top of it there.
Peuta: Okay… How should I do it? Like this?
Scred: Yeah, yeah… that looks right. [ Nothing happens. ] Mmm hmm. [ He taps her head. ] Feel anything yet?
Peuta: No. Can’t say I do.
Scred: Oh. Well, here. How about this.
[ He picks up the device and whacks her across the face with it. ]
Scred: Feel anything now?
Peuta: Urrrghh. Hardly. Oh, here. Maybe you’re doing it wrong. Let me try.
Scred: Oh no no no no, give me one more chance!
[ He holds the device up to Peuta’s moogies. The red light flashes, and a siren blares. Peuta moans. ]
Scred: It’s working! It’s… it’s starting to WORK!
[ The siren sounds as they fall to the floor, moaning and giggling. Bits of clothes fly up over the boulders. Peuta screams. ]
Peuta: Oh! OHHH! SCRED! SCRE-E-E-ED!
Scred: OH, your MUTUALNESS! Oh! WHOA!
Peuta: OHHH!
Scred: Oh! Oh! Oh! Your togetherness!
[ The siren fades. Scred and Peuta come up for air. ]
Scred: Oh! WOW! That was something else!
Peuta: Oh. Well… Is that all there is?
Scred: Some people are never satisfied.
[ He dives under her, and they fall to the floor again. ]
Announcer: And now, another episode of “Samurai Delicatessen”.
Mr. Dantley: [enters deli ] Uh, can I have a sandwich, please?
[ Samurai holds his sword across the counter, yelling, then points at the “Take a Number Please” sign with his sword. Mr. Dantley pulls a number, as the Samurai yells various numbers. Finally, Mr. Dantley’s number is called. ]
Mr. Dantley: Yes. [ hands over his number ] I’d like to have acombination cold-cut sandwich. [ Samurai shouts ] Sure. Very lean on the corned beef. Sure. And a cream soda. All right.
[ Samurai busts the bread open with his head, then slices some cold cuts with sword ]
I’m sure glad I found you open. You know, most of the places are closed this late. Uh, can I have some Thousand Island dressing on that, please?
[ Samurai complies ]
I guess you can hardly wait for that ol’ Super Bowl tomorrow, huh? You know, I like Dallas, but I’m going to bet on the Steelers. The way I see it, if Bradshaw is hot tomorrow, and Franco Harris really gets the ball and runs.. could I have a little, uh, a little sliced tomato on that, please? [ Samurai slices a tomato in mid-air with his sword ] Anyway, like I said, if they let Harris handle the ball, if they keep it on the ground for a while and really move up there in that first quarter, no major injuries..
[ Samurai slides Mr. Dantley’s sandwich across the counter ]
Hey, listen, you do really fantastic work. That is gorgeous! Can you do me one little favor? Could you trim away some of the fat? I distinctly said, “No fat.” There’s a lot of fat hanging off it. [ Samurai shouts in disgust ] I, I really meant no fat and it’s, uh, it’s.. [ Samurai prepares to stab himself with his sword ] Hey! Oh, no, no! Wait a minute. Ah, don’t take it personally. It’s okay. Look, I probably.. I, I probably shouldn’t be eating that anyway because it’s filled with spices, it gives me heartburn. Oh, what the hell. You only live once.I’ll deal with the pain later.
[ Samurai withdraws his sword ]
Would it be, uh.. would it be too much to ask if you could cut it in half? [ Samurai screams, pulls out his sword, then carefully cuts the sandwich in half ] That’s absolutely beautiful. Thank you very much. That’s terrific. Ah, one other thing. Do you think you could break a twenty?
[ Samurai shouts, and slams his sword on the $20 bill, smashing the counter to bits ]
[Open on close-up of phone ringing. Cut to wide shot of room with a desk, easy chair and lamp, and a stairway leading off to the right. The hotline answerer stumbles down the stairs, drops his briefcase, knocks over the chair and lamp, and falls over the desk answering the phone.]
Hotline Answerer: Suicide Prevention Center. [He hears a gunshot on the other end, then hangs up the phone and turns to the camera behind him] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
