Category: 1975

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chavy Chase
Janitor…..Garrett Morris
Henry Zuckerman…..Buck Henry
…..Alan Zweibel

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into the phone ] Noooo, I love it when you keep your eyes open. [ he smiles wantonly, then looks up and suddenly sees the camera ] I gotta go! Bye. [ he hangs up ] Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase… and I love you all very deeply.

Our top story tonight. Dateline, New York: Medical history is made in a stunning revelation this afternoon. Doctors and researchers at the Columbian-Presbyterian Medical Center have discovered that it is white mice that cause cancer.

Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, en route to Moscow, will stop at the Miami Super Bowl, in an attempt to reach a settlement between the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers. On the way back from Moscow, Kissinger will see King Juan Carlos of Spain, and will also visit Francisco Franco, who is still seriously dead.

Another note on the Super Bowl: President Ford expressed regret that he won’t be able to join Mr. Kissinger in miami tomorrow, saying that he is flying to boston for the first game of the World Series.

Well, the body of Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai was cremated this week in a cemetary near Peking. In what officials have called a Szechwan-style burial, Zhou was ceremoniously placed on a bed of rice and smothered with Oriental spices. In deference to their fallen leader, China has honored the late Premier by naming a new dish after him: Moo Goo Guy Dead.

[ image: Tomy Orlando and Freddie Prinze ] Hollywood’s best kept secret became public today, when Mt. Sinai Hospital released this rare photograph of Siamese twins Tony Orlando and Freddie Prinze, taken before the operation that separated them. Few people knew that the popular TV personalities were born joined at the hip, with two of Tony’s fingers growing out of Freddie’s left shoulder. Reached by phone, Orlando commented that he still feels close to his brother, and added, “I always know when Freddie is reading, because my lips move just a little.”

Following recent disclosures that Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has promised his mother, Mrs. Rose Kennedy, that he will not run for the presidency in her lifetime, Democratic hopefuls birched by Hubert Humphrey, Henry Jackson, and ex-governor Jimmy Carter have also telephoned Mrs. Kennedy and promised her the same thing. Humphrey aides say they believe it could be a wise political move.

Campaign close-up ’76! On the campaign trail today, Sen. Fred Harris of Oklahoma denied allegations that he combs his hair with buttered toast.

Well, always controversial, always candid, always innovative… First Lady Betty Ford revealed that she has discovered a new, full-proof method of birth control. Before going to bed at night, she gives the President a stick of chewing gum.

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” has been having some difficulty in the last few weeks connecting up with our correspondent in Angola, because of the heavy fighting reported there. The lines of communication, however, have now been repaired, I’m happy to say, so, right now, let’s go live via satellite to our offices in war-torn Luanda, Angloa, for a telephone report from correspondent Susan McCormick. [ he picks up the phone ]

[ on the monitor, we see the image of a janitor mopping up in an office, as the phone begins to ring ]

Janitor: [ he picks up ] Hello?

Chevy Chase: Hello? Susan?

Janitor: Uh… there’s nobody here.

Chevy Chase: Is this Angola, live?

Janitor: This is Angola any way you want to look at it! Who is this?

Chevy Chase: Uh, may I speak to correspondent Susan McCormick, please?

Janitor: Are you crazy, man? It’s six in the morning. There’s nobody in at this time.

Chevy Chase: Well, uh — how’s the fighting there? Pretty heavy, huh?

Janitor: Hell no, man! There’s no one — it’s too early — what — what is this?

Chevy Chase: [ he glances at the monitor and expresses great surprise ] I see. Thank you very much. [ he hangs up ] War-torn Luanda, Angola, in a rare moment of calm.

Elsewhere in Africa, it was announced that the small nation of Chad has changed its name to Brian. In a spirit of Third World solidarity, the nation of Tanzania has changed its name to Debbie.

Chevy Chase: A reminder to those of our viewers who missed our story last week on the influx of so-called Killer Dope in urban areas around the country. “Weekend Update” has been analyzing the samples of marijuana sent to us anonymously all week. We are pleased to reprot that, so far, the only significant finding has been that if you force a baby squirrel to smoke seven-hundred cannabis joints a day, he will become disoriented, seems to take the laws of self-preservation less seriously, tending to play with his nuts rather than store them.

Once again, if you should come into contact with ANY suspicious cannabis, and wish it be analyzed by “Weekend Update”‘s team of research analysts, simply send a small sample immediately to: [ SUPER ] “Chevy Chase, 857 West 81 Street, New York City”.

THe Sports and National Football League has announced, because of the poor nielsen ratings of the last two Super Bowl games aired on television, it will make this year’s contest more exciting by disallowing the use of football helmets in the field.

Steelers defensive linebacker #76, Charlie Hewett, was the first to quit in protest against the new ruling that the player’s hair must be cut short and indicate their numbers.

Well, college fads come and go, don’t they? From cramming students into phoe booths to streaking. At Grey Wind Junior College, on the Florida Keys, the latest rage is seeing how much oatmeal you can stuff into a Volkswagen.

Still to come: Cannibalism – Boon or Hindrance? The new fashion rage: Spray-On-Clothing. And Who Killed Agatha Christie? Right after this filmed message.

[ dissolve to Germasol ad parody ]

[ return to Chevy Chase at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: And now, here to reply to a “Weekend Update” editorial, is Henry Zuckerman, Vice-President of the Association of Fastuous Peasants.

Henry Zuckerman: For Pete’s sakes! Isn’t it time we LISTEN to the Vatican, rather than closing our mind and our spirits? A recent 6,000 word declaration on certain questions concerning sexual ethics, issued by the Sacred Congregation from the Doctrine of Faith, with the approval of Pope Paul VI, states CLEARLY that the Church considers masturbation a SERIOUSLY disordered act! [ at his side, Chevy Chase begins making faces and gestures unseen to Zuckerman ] YET, hundreds of millions of people all around the world still persist in TOUCHING themselves! How do we know? Look at their complexions! The Vatican is also writing, condemning homosexuality as intrinsically wrong! The AFP disagrees with “Weekend Update”‘s contention that there is something intrinsically wrong with men in black robes, living and chanting together in theological schools around the world! [ sensing Chevy’s motions, Zuckerman turns to look, but Chevy quickly maintains a normal pose ] Spiritual enlightment is as natural as celibacy itself! Let’s open our hearts, and our minds — [ he takes another quick look at Chevy’s antics, but Chevy maintains his normal pose ] and realize that it is a far, far better thing to touch a turtle’s tooth… than to touch down there. Thank you.

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. [ he glanceas quickly at Zuckerman ]

And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may be deceased, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Chairman of the Committee for Dead Americans, Mr. Alan Zweibel.

[ Alan Zweibel appears in a circle above Chevy’s shoulder, posed with his arms across his chest like a corpse ]

Our top story tonight… [ no response from Zweibel ]

And that’s the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Evelyn Woodski Speed Reader School

Evelyn Woodski…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Evelyn Woodski sitting in a chair with a sheet of paper in her hand ]

Evelyn Woodski: [ reading ] “Heel… heh… hello. My… nom — name… is… Ev-il-lyn… Wood — Wood-ski.”

[ SUPER: “Wooski is a Russian name, honest” ]

Evelyn Woodski: “And I am the… flounder — founder… of the… Evelyn Woodski School of Speed… Ree — Ree-ah-ding — Ree — Ree-ay-ding — Reh — Redding? [ looks off-screen ] Redding? Redding!”

[ Woodski puts the sheet down and smiles at the camera ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ SUPER: “The Ev-il-lyn Wood-ski School of Speed Ree-ah-ding…? Redding?” ]

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Has Met Martin Milner” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Parts:


January 24th, 1976

Peter Cook

Dudley Moore

Neil Sedaka

The Muppets

None

George Coe

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Paul Shaffer

Alan Zweibel
Bomb SquadSummary: A bomb squad expert (Chevy Chase) gets hit in the face with a cream pie while attmepting to deactivate a bomb.

Note: The actor hidden under the box accidentally misses Chevy Chase’s face when he “activates” the bomb. Chevy and Peter Cook and Dudley Moore will perform a Take Two at the end of the show during the Goodnights.

Transcript

Montage

Peter Cook & Dudley Moore’s MonologueSummary: Peter Cook and Dudley Moore perform their popular BBC sketch, “One Leg Too Few,” with Cook as the casting agent who interviews Moore as a one-legged man auditioning for the role of Tarzan.

Bio: Comedian Peter Cook (1937-95) first worked with Dudley Moore on the British stage show, “Beyond the Fringe”, then later partnered together on the BBC series “Not Only… But Also.” They also starred in the 1967 comedy film, “Bedazzled.”

Bio: Short, club-footed actor Dudley Moore (1935-2002) moved to Hollywood in the late 1970’s, where a played a supporting role in “Foul Play” and later headlined the films “10” and “Arthur.”

Also Appeared: 85h

Transcript

Lifer FolliesSummary: Auditions are held for a jailhouse production of “Gigi”.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Note: John Belushi’s Steve Bushakis character shows up randomly in a handful of sketches during Belushi’s tenure at Saturday Night Live. The character, who has no gimmick to his appearances, is named after a childhood friend of Belushi’s in Chicago.

Transcript

Neil Sedaka performs “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”Bio: A popular singer/songwriter during the late 50’s/early 60’s, Neil Sedaka (1939-) returned to the pop charts in 1976 with an updated ballad version of his 1962 hit, “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.”

Don Pardo’s Holiday In An ElevatorSummary: Take a low-cost vacation in an elevator this year. Another exciting destination lurks behind the door of each floor.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase’s wrong number reaches Angela’s roommate Jane Curtin instead of Angola prison. Laraine Newman seeks opinions on abortion in Times Square. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) questions the fuss about “saving Soviet jewelry”. With help from a showering Alan Zweibel, Chevy repeats the top story for wet people.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Middle-American Van LinesSummary: Used to move people, not their possessions.

Note: Repeat from 10/25/75

Table TalkSummary: Dudley Moore interviews the owner (Peter Cook) of The Frog and Peach Restaurant.

“The Paramount Novelty Store”Summary: Gary Weis’ short film chronicles novelty store owner who has to explain the joke of each item in his inventory.

British Sonny & Cher sing “I Got You Babe”Summary: The British version of Sonny (Dudley Moore) & Cher (Peter Cook) trade barbs.

The MuppetsSummary: Gilda Radner explains to a bee-clad Scred (Jerry Nelson) that The Muppets have been cut from tonight’s show, but lets him introduce Neil Sedaka.

Transcript

Neil Sedaka performs “Lonely Night”

Backstage BanterSummary: Jane Curtin interviews male impersonator Sheila Ellington (John Belushi).

Transcript

AttractiveSummary: Husband (Chevy Chase) & wife (Jaqueline Carlin) don’t use products to be attractive.

Note: Repeat from 11/08/75.

Organ HarvestingSummary: A team of doctors (Dudley Moore, Tom Schiller, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd) ignore the fact that their patient (Garrett Morris) is alive before removing his vital organs.

Transcript

Shephard InterviewSummary: A shephard (Peter Cook) tells Matthew (Dudley Moore) about his experience seeing the Baby Jesus.

GoodnightsNote: Chevy Chase and Peter Cook and Dudley Moore perform a Take Two of the ending of the Bomb Squad sketch from the beginning of the show.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Backstage Banter

… Jane Curtin
Sheila Ellington … John Belushi

[Light piano music under a graphic that reads: BACKSTAGE BANTER. Dissolve to Jane Curtin seated on a talk show set, addressing the camera.]

Jane Curtin: Good evening and welcome to Backstage Banter. I’m Jane Curtin and tonight’s guest is truly a remarkable woman. One of the foremost male impersonators working today. [pull back to reveal a man in a tuxedo seated beside her] Let’s welcome Ms. Sheila Ellington. [applause] May I call you “Sheila”?

Sheila Ellington: Aw, you know you can, Jane.

Jane Curtin: Sheila, your transformation from a woman into the man sitting next to me is – is astounding.

Sheila Ellington: Thank you. I guess I’m, uh, good at what I do.

Jane Curtin: You’re the best. May I ask you how long it takes you to get into make-up?

Sheila Ellington: Well, I’ve got it down to about three hours, now — that’s including, uh, cummerbund and stubble.

Jane Curtin: I was going to ask you how you got that naturalistic stubble effect.

Sheila Ellington: Ah! Chocolate jimmies. I glue ’em on, one at a time.

Jane Curtin: That’s ingenious.

Sheila Ellington: Mm hm. Mm hm.

Jane Curtin: [to the camera] Chocolate jimmies, in case you don’t know, are the brown sprinkle candies you dip ice cream cones into.

Sheila Ellington: I also use them in my baking. Terrific.

Jane Curtin: Well, they ARE terrific. Sheila, do you have that picture of your family with you, tonight?

Sheila Ellington: I sure do. It’s right here. [picks up photo and hands it to Jane who holds it up to the camera — it’s a black and white 8×10 of a family of four with the mother seated] That’s me seated there.There. [Of course, the woman pictured looks nothing like “Sheila Ellington”] And, uh, that’s Edie, my daughter, she’s thirteen. That’s my husband Edward. And my – my young son, uh, Ricky — he’s ten. Hi,kids. [lights a cigarette]

Jane Curtin: Well, Sheila, you’re all woman in this picture.

Sheila Ellington: Thank you.

Jane Curtin: Can I ask you how you manage to disguise your secondary sexual characteristics?

Sheila Ellington: Uh, yoga breath control. And, uh, masking tape. Always helps. Really holds ’em in there. I mean, I – I never jiggle when I’m onstage. Ever. [winces] Ohh.

Jane Curtin: What’s the matter?

Sheila Ellington: It’s cramps. [waves dismissively] It’s all right.

Jane Curtin: Perhaps you could tell us a little bit about your one-woman show.

Sheila Ellington: Well, I, uh, I sing, I dance, and, uh, I do impersonations of famous actors.

Jane Curtin: Could you do one for us now?

Sheila Ellington: Well, I–

Jane Curtin: Oh, come on! Let’s have it. [encourages audience’s applause]

Sheila Ellington: Well, I don’t – I don’t usually do this, I don’t have the band here, I do this in my act but, uh, I could do, uh, Rod Steiger singing. [Jane nods her encouragement] Okay, here goes. [imitates anasal, tuneless Rod Steiger] “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do – Two could be as bad as one – It’s the loneliest number since the number one – Do you understand what I’m talking about?” [applause]

Jane Curtin: Isn’t that great? Sheila, let me ask you one question.

Sheila Ellington: Yeah.

Jane Curtin: In your stage career as a male impersonator, what was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you?

Sheila Ellington: Well, you see, I – I wear socks down there and once, I guess, it came out of my panties–

Jane Curtin: No, Sheila, I was referring to the mouse.

Sheila Ellington: Oh. The mouse. Oh, yeah. Right. [embarrassed, reluctantly] Well, once during my act, uh, a little tiny mouse, uh, ran across the stage. And, out of instinct, I guess, I just jumped on achair. I started yelling, “Eek! Eek!”

Jane Curtin: Tell me, Sheila, where will you be appearing next?

Sheila Ellington: Well, Jane, I’ll be taking some time off. You see, uh, I’m expecting a baby in a few weeks.

Jane Curtin: Ohhh. You don’t even show!

Sheila Ellington: Masking tape.

Jane Curtin: Oh! Well, I’d like to thank Sheila Ellington very much. She’s truly a remarkable woman. Let’s give her all a good hand.

[Applause. Dissolve back to the BACKSTAGE BANTER graphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Bomb Squad

Officer ….. Garrett Morris
Wife ….. Gilda Radner
Husband ….. George Coe
Bomb Expert ….. Chevy Chase

[ A police officer is carefully sliding a brown box wrapped in yarn out from underneath a staircase. Husband and wife are standing by anxiously in their pajamas ]

Officer: Nothing to worry about. Someone from the bomb squad will be here any second.

[ On cue, the bomb squad man comes down the stairs, carrying a black leather bag with him. Slowly, he puts down his bag and takes off his jacket, looking at the mysterious package ]

Bomb Expert: Yeah, looks pretty suspicious, Stronski. If I were you I’d get these people upstairs, calmly. Don’t panic, just get the people across the street and out of the buidling, OK?

[ The officer leads the couple up the stairs. Halfway up, the wife stops ]

Wife: Well, what are we gonna…

Bomb Expert: (panicked) GET OUT OF HERE!

[ The officer rushes the couple upstairs. The Bomb Expert takes out a piece of string and from his bag and ties it to the string that’s already around the box. He crouches behind a large wooden crate and gives the string a couple of tugs, moving the box a few inches. He then goes back to the box and takes it and his bag over to the crate. The expert takes a stethoscope out of his bag and listens to the box, giving it a couple of taps with his finger. He takes out a pair of scissors from his bag and cuts the string on the box, then he opens it. A hand launches a cream pie into his face, although it accidentally misses him, causing Chevy to slightly crack up ]

Bomb Expert: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator

Husband…..Dan Aykroyd
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Traveler…..Garrett Morris
Elevator Boy…..Tom Schiller
Woman…..Jane Curtin
Native People…..Dudley Moore
Customs Inspector…..Chevy Chase

[FADE IN on a married couple sitting on a living room sofa. The husband is dully pulling a bill out of an envelope.]

Don Pardo: Stuck in the city this winter? Yet you’re pining for far-off adventure and exotic new friends? Well, now your dreams are answered!

[drum roll and dramatic horn fanfare]

Pardo: Yes, it’s “Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator”! Around the world in eighty floors! Where every landing is another land!

[FADE to a nondescript elevator lobby and SUPERIMPOSE the caption “DON PARDO’S HOLIDAY IN AN ELEVATOR” trimmed by vines. The horns segue into majestic strings. A moment later, Garrett Morris walks in with a brown suitcase in his hand. He presses the button, and the doors open instantly. Garrett steps inside.]

Traveler: [to elevator boy] Sweden, please!

[Garrett stands still as the elevator boy holds out his hand to keep Garrett back until the doors close. The married couple walks in next. The wife hugs and kisses another woman happily as the husband holds a huge gray suitcase in one hand and presses the elevator button with the other.]

Pardo: Yes! We’ll take you on a globe-girdling experience, up and down the world, and you won’t even have to leave town!

[The woman waves goodbye and tingles with excitement while the couple steps into the elevator and the doors close. CUT to the couple and the elevator boy inside.]

Husband: Okay.

Pardo: Up the world you go! Proud, friendly natives await you on every floor! The doors open out on fabled Canada, our neighbor to the north!

[Elevator doors open to show Dudley Moore wearing a parka and a fedora in front of a still projection of a snow-covered mountain forest.]

Moore: [with a cheesy grin] Howdy, folks!

Pardo: Canada has the sun on the enchanting second floor. A tame deer nibbles snow out of the palm of your hand!

[A fake deer head sticks out from behind the doors and nuzzles the wife’s hand for a moment. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “CANADA: $7.98 (FOR 10 MINUTES)” as the doors close.]

Husband: Why don’t we, why don’t we go on up to Spain?

Pardo: Spain, you say? Jewel of the Mediterranean!

[Elevator doors open to show Dudley wearing a bullfighter’s outfit and a beret in front of a photo of tropical mountains.]

Moore: ¡Buenos dìas!

Pardo: Better hurry if you don’t want to miss the traditional running of the bulls on sun-splattered nineteen!

[Dudley tries to stick two swords into the fake deer’s head, but the swords clatter to the floor, and he grins widely. SUPERIMPOSE, “SPAIN: $9.98 (FOR 8 MINUTES)” when doors close.]

Wife: This is great!

Husband: Yeah, this is fun!

Pardo: Or is it frozen tundra you’re after?

Husband: Sure.

[Doors open on Dudley dressed in a cassock hat with a fur hastily thrown over his bullfighter’s suit. He is standing in front of the same scene shown for Canada.]

Moore: Slavarvich!

Pardo: Communism leaps alive on panoramic forty-five, fabled Russia, land of detènte! A tame bear nibbles wheat out of the palm of your hand!

[A bear’s head nuzzles the wife’s hand again. SUPERIMPOSE, “RUSSIA: $5.98 (FOR 5 MINUTES)” as the doors close back up.]

Husband: A bear!

Wife: This is great!

Husband: Oh, yeah, look at that paneling! [snaps photos of elevator wall]

Wife: Oh, this is fun, honey!

Pardo: Why not go native on sun-drenched Borneo?

[Doors open on Moore glaring out annoyedly in the same outfit.]

Moore: No way, no way!

[A fake sheep head pokes out, and the doors close abruptly a second later. Crowd roars with laughter.]

Pardo: Okay, then on to sun, south Tahiti! Jewel of the Pacific!

[Doors open on Dudley in the same outfit. Standing in front of the same mountains shown for Spain, he waves a Hawaiian shirt and a grass skirt in front of him and sways back and forth.]

Moore: Aloha!

Pardo: With its sapphire skies and glittering beaches! A tame wild boar nibbles poi out of the palm of your hand!

[With two long tusks attached near its mouth, the boar’s head nuzzles the wife’s open palm. SUPERIMPOSE, “TAHITI: $2.98 (FOR 3 MINUTES),” then doors close again.]

Husband: This is fun.

Wife: Great!

[The husband takes a couple more photos of the elevator paneling.]

Pardo: And at last, seasoned world travelers, you’re ready to return home safely!

Elevator Boy: [pleasantly] Mezzanine, United States. Watch your step, please.

[He opens the doors, and the couple stumbles back out into the hallway. Gilda is carrying two shopping bags with her.]

Husband: A marvelous tour which we’ll remember as long as we live!

Wife: [in nasal voice] We especially loved India, and you can even drink the water and not get sick!

Husband: And anything can happen–we got stuck between Uruguay and Nepal for a minute!

[A customs inspector steps up to them.]

Inspector: Anything to declare, folks?

[They look at him in shock.]

Inspector: Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…

[The couple grin as the inspector grins and then puts on a blank look.]

Pardo: Yes, no more hassles, no jet lag, no sunburns!

Husband: And you don’t even have to get vaccinated!

Wife: And you don’t even have to put clothes in your luggage!

Pardo: That’s “Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator”!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “815 E. 33RD STREET” across the bottom of the screen as the husband and wife kiss.]

Pardo: Located in midtown Manhattan! Convenient to all subway and bus terminals!

[SUPERIMPOSE, “VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW,” as the couple smile happily for the camera.]

[DISSOLVE to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Knows Norm Crosby”]

[FADE to BLACK]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Goodnights

…..Chevy Chase
…..Peter Cook
…..Dudley Moore

[ return from final bumper to Peter Cook and Dudley Moore standing with Chevy Chase behind the wooden crate with the bomb package at Home Base ]

Dudley Moore: For those of you who missed the front of the show, we’d like to reconstruct it for you — correctly.

[ Chevy takes out a pair of scissors from his bag and cuts the string on the box ]

Chevy Chase: This is a bomb.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: [ pointing with his lit cigarette ] Bomb!

[ from within the box, a hand rises slowly as it holds the cream pie steady ]

[ Dudley Moore carefully takes the cream pie into his hand ]

Dudley Moore: Bomb.

[ with accurate precision, Dudley Moore balances the cream pie upright and pushes it into Chevy’s face ]

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Peter Cook squooshes the cream pie farther into Chevy’s face ]

Dudley Moore: Thank you very much!

[ as Chevy removes the cream pie from his face, John Belushi emerges from beneath the crate ]

[ Chevy shakes Peter Cook’s hand, then shoves the remnants of the cream pie into Peter Cook’s face; in kind, Peter pretends to suckerpunch Chevy and chase him across the stage ]

[ as pieces of the cream pie continue to be tossed about, Dudley Moore, in long shot, inaudibly addresses the camera ]

Dudley Moore: — with Dick Cavett, with guest star Jimmy Cliff. [ he then whistles loudly, as an offscreen audience members tosses a leftover piece of cream pie at his back, then another piece near his rear end ]

[ the credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: Jerry Nelson was Muppet Scred. Also in the cast: George Coe. Next week, our host will be Dick Cavett and guest Jimmy Cliff. This is Don Pardo saying, “Good night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Lifer Follies

Warden…..George Coe
Director…..Peter Cook
Assistant…..Gilda Radner
First Prisoner…..Dan Aykroyd
Second Prisoner…..Chevy Chase
Third Prisoner…..Garrett Morris
Fourth Prisoner…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, Warden’s Office ]

Warden: Well, I am aware of the success of this program in English prisons, and I’m certain we can make it work here. I must say I am impressed with your credentials. It’s not often that a maximum security institution in the middle of Utah gets a full-fledged director from the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts to direct the annual prison show.

Director: Thank you, Warden. To my way of thinking, there is no better therapy for the man on death row than to work with his fellow lifer in harmony, for the enjoyment of all his neighbors. It seems to make life in these dismal places more tolerable for all. This is my assistant, Miss Thompson, who will take notes during the auditions. [ points to his Assistant ]

Warden: How do you do, Miss Thompson?

Assistant: Hello.

Warden: [ to the Director ]

Director: What play are you planning to have the men put on?

Director: “Gigi”.

Warden: I beg your pardon?

Director: “Gigi”.

Warden: I see. Well, there are seventy-three lifers here, each waiting to show you his particular talent. I don’t suppose I have to remind you that these are desperate men, Mr. Marley. most of them would kill to get into this production.

Director: [ chuckling ] And many of them have.. ha, ha ha..

Warden: Miss Thompson, at the risk of being rude, I would suggest you button the top button of your blouse. Some of these men have not seen a woman in fifteen years.

Director: We’re ready. Could we see the first prisoner?

Warden: [ nods, opens door to let in first prisoner ] Name?

First Prisoner: I’m Boyd Norman, 11764. I’m a structural steel engineer from Whitburn, Arizona, I’m glad to be here, and I’m serving twenty-five consecutive sentences of fifty years each.

Director: Ah, yes, Boyd, it says here that you stepped into a fmaily reunion with a flamethrower.

First Prisoner: Yes, I torched the whole place. Aunts, uncles, kids, cousins, sisters-in-law, nephew, nieces, wife, twenty-seven of them.

Director: I don’t imagine you get much mail.

First Prisoner: Now, I’ll tell you quite honestly, I know what I did. I participated actively in my own trial, acting as a witness for the defense and the prosecution. I set several legal precedents when I conducted a battery of simple psychological word cue tests on myself in court. I have a good grasp of current trends in psychiatry and psychopathology, and I’m going to be quite frank with you here, I’m glad I’m locked up. I’m glad you’re here, too, it’s about time we got a dose of culture around here for a change.

Director: And what will your audition piece be?

First Prisoner: Well, I dance with insects. I’ve studied zoology while I’ve been here, and I have some common household roaches here – Cuca blatteria, as they are called – and I’m just gonna lay them out here and sing a number from the show “The Night They Invented Champagne”. And And I’ve trained them.. [ takes bugs out of jar and puts them on the floor, then starts to sing and dance and kill the bugs by jumping on them ] Igot plenty more! [ puts another bug on the floor, still singing and dancing and killing the bug deliberately ] You know, what’s great is when you crush their prothorax. [ puts another bug on the floor and tries to crush it ] You ain’t even gonna get an inch.. you ain’t even gonna get an inch! [ two guards start to drag him out ] I swallow chihuahuas whole!!

Director: Very good physical presence. I think we might use him in the chorus.

Warden: Next! [ Second Prisoner enters ] Name?

Second Prisoner: Clyde, Sankyou.

Director: Sankyou. It says here you are serving a life sentence for kidnapping a family of four, child molestation, impersonating an officer of the Coast Guard, and setting fire to the only exisitng answer print of “To Sir With Love”.

Second Prisoner: Yes, sir.

Director: What are you going to di for us, Mr. Sankyou?

Second Prisoner: I’d like to tell a joke, and then I thought I might play “Moon River” on the harmonica.

Director: Well, that would be nice.

Second Prisoner: Yes, well, sir, the joke requires a bit of audience participation. So, if you wouldn’t mind, would you repeat my name again for me?

Director: Alright.. Clyde Sankyou.

Second Prisoner: You’re welcome. Ha, ha!

[ Assistant laughs uncontrollably. Second Prisoner plays “Moon River” on harmonica, then suddenly stops playing and lunges for the Assistant. Everyone screams and pulls him off. ]

Director: I suppose that was part of the audience participation?

Second Prisoner: Sir, if I may redeem myself, I understand the play you’re doing is “Gigi”. I thought I might sing one of the songs from the original show.

Director: Go ahead, Mr. Sankyou.

Second Prisoner: You’re welcome. [ sings ]

“Thank heaven for little girls,
For little girls wear tiny underpants,
And sometimes they pull their dresses over their heads,
And they go walking in a deserted lot without anyone else around..”

[ Second Prisoner lunges for Assistant again, as the guards drag him out of the office ]

Director: We’ll be in touch, Mr. Sankyou.

Warden: Terribly sorry.

Director: Quite alright. May we see the next man, please?

[ Third Prisoner enters ]

Assistant: Name?

Third Prisoner: Garrett Johnson.

Director: It says here, Mr. Johnson, that you are serving a life sentence for first degree murder and insulting an officer of the law.

Third Prisoner: That’s right.

Director: What are you going to do for us today?

Third Prisoner: I’ve been in dolitary for years now, and I’ve studied and developed my talent for writing music, and I’ve written lots of songs. Here’s a song I’m gonna sing which is the sum of my philosophy. [ sings ]

“I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see,
I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.
When I kill all the whities I see, then whitey he won’t bother me,
I’m gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see.
Then I’ll get a white woman who’s wearing a navy blue sweater..”

[ Guards pull him away ]

I belong to AFTRA!

Director: Wonderful sense of rhythm.

Warden: Next, please!

[ Fourth Prisoner enters with pianist ]

Warden: This is Mike “The Chef” Pontrello, alias Phil Harmonica, alias Johnny Bananas, alias Wesley Cunningham Aylsworth III.

Assistant: Name?

Fourth Prisoner: Steve Beshakas.

Warden: He is serving a life sentence for killing forty-three people at point blank range.

Fourth Prisoner: I was cleaning mygun. It was an accident. But the past is the past, and I believe I should be in this year’s show because..well, I think this song says it all, and I’d like to dedicate it to all the wonderful people on the parole board. I’m not just saying that ’cause the warden’s here. I mean it. By the way, I think the warden is doing one heck of a job. He’s a great guy – let’s hear it for the warden. [ everyone claps, as he begins to sing ]

“That’s life – that’s what all the people say
You’re ridin’ high in April, shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune
When I’m back on top, back on top in June
That’s life, I can’t deny it,
I thought of quittin’ out, but my heart just won’t buy it
If I didn’t think it was worth a try,
I’d roll myself up in a big ball and die..”

[ Fourth Prisoner suddenly rolls onto the floor, then jumps up and lunges for the Director, trying to kiss him. The guards pull him off and drag him away ]

Fourth Prisoner: I’m gonna kill you! I love you!

Director: [ to Warden ] I think we’ve found our Gigi.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11

75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore’s Monologue

… Peter Cook
… Dudley Moore

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore!

Peter Cook: Thank you!

Dudley Moore: Thank you very much.

Peter Cook: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Uh, if there’s, uh, any confusion amongst you about which one of us is which …

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: … I think we ought to clear that up.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: I’m the, uh, I’m the tall one.

Dudley Moore: Good.

Peter Cook: And I’d also like to say something about the difference between English comedy and American comedy. We, uh, we tend not to have very many sort of zappy one-liners or anything like that.

Dudley Moore: No. It’s more sophisticated, you know, really. More, um… understated.

Peter Cook: Well, it’s more understated, I’d say.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: Very understated, very subtle.

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: In fact, we’ve been here two years performing without a laugh.

Dudley Moore: Right. Right, and in fact I – I – I would think probably very few of you realize that we – we’ve cracked three wonderful jokes during these last few seconds. You see?

Peter Cook: It’s probably the sort of joke which will sink in about half an hour later.

Dudley Moore: Right, it’ll just grow and then people’ll be falling off their seats, you know.

Peter Cook: And just – just – just cracking up.

Dudley Moore: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter Cook: Anyhow, I think we should give an example of the sophisticated, understated English humor.

Dudley Moore: Why not? I’ll – I’ll get into some things.

[Moore walks off, a red curtain slides into view as a backdrop, Cook retreats to the curtain.]

Peter Cook: He’s gonna get into some extremely sophisticated English costumes and we’ll move right along with this, uh, curtain or drape as you call it. The scene is set in a producer’s office. [moves a chair to center stage] By the magic of placing a chair in the middle of this place, we have conjured up a producer’s office. [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear.

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg — the left one — tucked under the coat – he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.]

Peter Cook: Nice to see you.

Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you.

Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore’s shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not?

Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott’s the name, acting’s my game.

Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: If you’d like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his “stump” on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn’t help noticing — almost immediately — that you are a one-legged man.

Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?

Peter Cook: When you’ve been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

Dudley Moore: Mm, yes.

Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.

Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter… are applying for the role.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley Moore: The leg division?

Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It’s a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, “Hello! What alovely leg for the role!”

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I’ve got nothing against your right leg.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: The trouble is — neither have you. [delayed applause] You, uh, you fall down on the left.

Dudley Moore: You mean it’s inadequate?

Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Mm.

Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready …

Dudley Moore: No?

Peter Cook: … for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting “Hello, Jane.”

Dudley Moore: No. No, right.

Peter Cook: But don’t despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.

Dudley Moore: Well, I’ve got twice as many.

Peter Cook: You’re streets ahead!

Dudley Moore: So there’s still hope?

Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type ofartiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom.

Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom.

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.]

Peter Cook: I’m just sorry I can’t be more definite at this stage.

Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord!

Peter Cook: But you must understand … these days. We’ve so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can’t afford…

[Applause drowns out some of Cook’s parting comments to Moore who exits right, hopping and waving goodbye. The SNL band begins to play and Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Richard Pryor Stand-Up

…..Richard Pryor

 

Richard Pryor: The pictures, uh, the pictures that you saw on the TV between the commercials — that’s my family. That was my grandmother, the last one.[Applause.] I didn’t want you to think I was sellin’ my family or nothin’, you know. Grandmother raised me, you know, used to send me to church and stuff so I’d be good. But I liked to hang with the winos. I did.’Cause winos know Jesus personally. Very religious, you know. Every wino, you ask ’em, “Where’s Jesus?”[imitates a screaming wino] “JESUS! HE LIVE OVER IN THE PROJECTS!” And I’d stand around watchin’ ’em direct traffic early Sunday morning. Winos are great at directin’ traffic, you know.

[as the wino, whistles] “HEY, FOOL! YOU BETTER SLOW THAT CAR DOWN! DON’T COME DRIVING DOWN THROUGH HERE LIKE YOU CRAZY! THIS A NEIGHBORHOOD — THIS AIN’T NO RESIDENTIAL DISTRICT! You could have killed that sign, anything! I ain’t a-playin’ with you. I’ll put a hurtin’ on you, boy. Mess with me. [mumbling to himself, he mimes pulling a bottle from his back pocket, has trouble unscrewing the top] Damn! [drinks, makes a face] Whoooo! Buddy, buddy! [screws the top back on and pockets the bottle while singingwordlessly] Jesus on my mind! [puts index finger to the side of his nose and blows, repeats with the other index finger, gets snot on sleeve, wipes it off on his pants, shakes his head sadly] I ain’t good as I used to be. [sees something and points] Now, look at him, look at that boy over there, standin’ in the middle of the street. Boy’s a stone junkie. Look at him. Used to be a genius. Used to book the numbers, didn’t need paper or pencil. Look at him. Now he can’t remember who he is. [whistles] Hey, Junior! GET OUT OF THE STREET, BOY! N****, YOU AIN’T NO STOP SIGN! GET OFF THE STREET! JUNIOR!”

[imitates the junkie, mouth open, head thrown back, face to the sky, straightens up, looks around in a panicked daze] “What’s happenin’?! Hey! What’shappenin’?! I know somethin’ happenin’ ’cause everything movin’. HEY, OLD DUDE! Pops! You got anything? I feel bad enough to drink some milk.”

[as the wino] “Yeah, I got somethin’ for ya, boy! Come on off that street. That narcotic done made you null and void. Come here, boy. Come here. Nasty, stinkin’ devil, you. When you get a job, boy, go to work?”

[as the junkie] “Get a job? Go to work? You talkin’ to the kid, baby. I worked five years in a row when I was in the joint. I did a nickel, baby. And I can work my tail off, man, pressin’ license plates. That’s right. But where n*****s gonna get a job out here pressin’ license plates? Huh? I went to the unemployment bureau… Damn, baby. [falls asleep on his feet, the audience applauds, and Pryor abruptly wakes up, confused]Was I through? [after a pause, resumes his story] I walked to the unemployment bureau, walked downtown –clean, you know what I mean? Walked up to the lady sittin’ in there with an ol’ tiara on her head, typin’ tip tip tip tip tip. I said, HEY! She said: [woman’svoice] ‘Ooh ooh!’ I say, Hey! What’s happenin’? She looked at my paper: [woman’s voice] ‘You got a criminal record!’ I said I know that! I’m a criminal! Tell me somethin’ I don’t know. Like where I’m gonna get a job pressin’ license plates. I slapped you know what. She got all upset. [woman’s voice] ‘Oooh ooh ooh ooh! Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me!’ I say, I ain’t gonna– Be cool, old lady — you know? I ain’t gonna take no bust for no old lady. Old n****r with a gun down there come on: [voice of a cranky old man, slapping his holstered gun with his hand] ‘Hey, what’s the trouble, buddy? Come on, what’s going on? What’s the trouble?’ Hey, YOU the trouble, Tex! Who you supposed to be? Jesse James? Made me sick, man. I threw up on the floor. He talkin’ ’bout: [cranky old man’s voice] ‘Clean it up, baby, clean it up.’ I ain’t cleanin’ no nothin’. If I’d a-wanted it, I’d a-kept it! [Applause.] But I’m hurtin’, baby, you know? I went home, ya’ know. Mama called me a dog. Ma dear, she did. Daddy say he don’t wanna see me in the vicinity. Just ’cause I stole his television. Wasn’t nothin’ on it. Can you help me out, old dude? Please? I’m sick, man. [sings weakly] Help me make it through the night.

[as the wino] “I’m gonna help you, boy. ‘Cause I believe you got potential. That’s right, you can be somebody ’cause you’re sharp, know what I mean? [takesout bottle, unscrews it, hands it to the junkie] Try some o’ that. Don’t you drop it, n***r! Put … Slowdown. Just take a sip! Go ahead. [watches junkie take a long swallow] You know somethin’ about football, don’t you? PASS IT! [applause, takes the bottle, wipesrim] You know what your problem is? You don’t know how to deal with the white man! You got a white man complex. I know how to deal with him. That’s why I’m in the position I’m in today.” [drinks from the bottle, makes a face, screws the top back on, and pockets it] Thank you. [Much applause.]