Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Black Takeover

Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Daughter…..Gilda Radner/Annazette Chase
Mom…..Jane Curtin/Kathy McKee
Son…..John Belushi/Richard Pryor

[ open on a white suburban family talking over dinner ]

Dad: ..And the point is, that they are taking over! First they bought the Sweeney’s house, and they bought the Thomason’s house, and then they bought the Smith’s! Let’s face facts here, they’re taking over, I’m telling you!

[ phone rings ]

Daughter: I’ll get it! [ jumps out of chair ]

Mom: No phone conversatons during dinner, Polly, you know that.

Daughter: [ whining ] Oh, come on, Mom! I just know it’s Steven! I just know he’s gonna ask me to the Christmas dance! He’s the captain of the football team, and I just know he’ll ask Judy Irving if I don’t go, and it’ll just ruin my life!

Daughter: Oh, okay.. But make it fast before your fruited jellogets cold!

[ Daughter runs for the phone ]

Dad: [ still ranting ] They’re taking over! Like some kind of flu bug! First one guy at the office is up with the runs, and then it starts to spread!

Son: [ holding empty milk pitcher ] Mom? Dad? Would anybody else like some fresh, whole milk?

Mom: No thank you, Scotty.

Son: You mind if I be excused from the table?

Mom: Go right ahead.

Son: Thanks! [ exits dining room ]

Dad: That is what this black thing is like! It’s just like the runs! It’s like some kind of bug! It’s everywhere you look, and there’s nowhere you can go except for the solace of your own bathroom!

[ Daughter returns to the room, happy and black ]

Daughter: Oh, Mom! He asked me!

Mom: Do we interrupt when your father is talking, Polly?

Daughter: [ sullen ] I’m sorry.. [ sits down ]

Dad: [ not noticing his daughter ] It’s scary, that’s all, it just scares me! One day you’re living next door to one, and the next day you are working for one!

[ Son returns with empty milk pitcher, and black skin ]

Son: Sorry, Mom, but I just spilled some milk on your counter..

Mom: [ upset ] The counter that I just cleaned and shined in one motion?!

Son: Gee, Mom.. holy creepers! I’ll go clean it up..

Mom: No, Scotty, I’ll get it, it’s woman’s work.. [ retreats tokitchen ]

Son: Thanks, Mom. [ sits ]

Dad: One day one’s Governor, next day one’s President, next day one’s.. Barbra Streisand.. I don’t know..

[ Mom returns to the table, also black ]

Mom: Oh, thank goodness. the shine is still there. Now, what were you saying, dear?

Dad: I was saying that they are taking over! I can see it happeneing all around me! I know, I’ve got eyes, I can see! [ fails to notice his family has turned black ] Scotty, would you, uh.. pass the grits, please..?

[ zoom out to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Japanese Joke Jackets: Three Sleeves And None Of Them Work!” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: And now, Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the telephone ] No.. I love it when you make noise. Remember when.. [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Secretary of State Henry Kissinger stated today that he is tired of using his silly accent in public, and will speak in English. This will in no way effect the content of what he has been saying.

In spite of recent allegations of rampant homosexual activities in theprofessional sports world, from hockey to harness racing, many team owners and executives deny the existence of such practices. Commissioner of Baseball, Bowie Kuhn, and NFL Head, Pete Rozelle, could not be reached for comment this weekend, in the Bridal Suite of the Americana Hotel.

In a speech to the Athens, Georgia, Chamber of Commerce, presidential contender George Wallace said, “I don’t judge a man by the color of his skin. I judge him according to how well you can see him in the dark when he smiles.”

Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: I’m here tonight to speak out against busting schoolchildren. Busting schoolchildren is a terrible, terrible thing. I hear this is going on all over the country. Mean policemen arrest little children and put them in jail in the wrong neighborhood, so they can’t even play with their little friends. Imagine, busting schoolchildren! The food in jail isn’t good, and even though they get bread, I don’t believe they can get toast. Or nice cake. Now, who will tuck them in? Where will they hang their leggings? Where will they set up their little lemonade stands? Well, they don’t have toys in jail, except maybe..

Chevy Chase: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Chevy Chase: I’m sorry. The editorial was on bussing schoolchildren. Bussing. Not busting.

Emily Litella: Oh. I’m sorry. Never mind.

UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charity’s new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, “Let’s kill the Arabs and take their oil!”

Chevy Chase: Our final story tonight: Frank Sinatra celebrated his 60th birthday this week, with a party aboard his luxury yacht, the S.S. Hoboken. One humorous note: a minor accident occured when the yacht struck an autograph seeker who was swimming toward it. Always the joker, ol’ Blue Eyes chuckled later, “Well, I guess it’s simply another case of the ship hitting the fan.” No damage to the yacht; the swimmer was killed instantly.

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. [ Garrett’s face appears in a circle to Chevy’s right ] “Our top story tonight..”

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] “Our top story tonight..!”

Chevy Chase: “..Generallissimo Francisco Franco..”

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] “..Generallissimo Francisco Franco..!”

Chevy Chase: “..is still dead.”

Garrett Morris: “..is still dead!”

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-special-deals-.html

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:



A Film By:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

December 20th, 1975

Candice Bergen

Martha Reeves

The Stylistics

The Muppets

Margaret Kuhn

Gary Weis

Joe Dicso

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura

Michael O’Donoghue
Christmas Eve at the White HouseSummary: President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) delivers a fireside chat, trims the Christmas tree and takes a fall.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford.

Transcript

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candace Bergen has decided to host “SNL” again as a Christmas present to herself.

Also Hosted: 75d, 75j, 87e, 89t.

Transcript

Martha Reeves performs “Higher & Higher”Bio: Martha Reeves (1941-) was the former lead singer of The Vandellas during the 60’s.

Mel’s Char PalaceSummary: Mel (Dan Aykroyd) lets you cut the cows into your own steak.

Recurring Characters: Mel.

Transcript

Billy’s Call HomeSummary: Billy (Chevy Chase) calls his parents to say he’s guilty of 26 counts of murder.

Transcript

Home MoviesSummary: Candice Bergen invites viewers to send in their home movies for free.

Transcript

Bee CapadesSummary: In an SNL home film, Candice Bergen and The Bees ice skate outside of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift CatalogSummary: This segment’s selection is a digital clock.

Transcript

The Stylistics perform “You Make Me Feel Brand New”Bio: The Stylistics are James Dunn, Airrion Love, Herb Murrell, James Smith, and Russell Thompkins, Jr. The soul quintent had 12 straight Top Ten hits in the early 70’s.

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

The ElfSummary: A woman (Candice Bergen) learns that her brother (Chevy Chase) is an elf.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman reports on the celebration in Times Square eleven days before New Year’s. A wrong number leads Chevy Chase to Angelo’s Pizza instead of Angola Prison. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) gives an editorial response to say that she’s against “firing” the handicapped. Garrett Morris again repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Tarn-OffSummary: The cleansing agent Princess Grace (Candice Bergen) uses to sparkle her jewels.

Transcript

The LaundromatSummary: Sparks fly between a man (John Belushi) and a woman (Gilda Radner) when they combine their clothes and share a washing machine.

Transcript

PongSummary: Al Franken deduces that self-proclaimed “Pinball Wizard” Tom Davis fares poorly at Pong.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: King Ploobis’ Christmas party is a bust until Candice Bergen arrives and sings “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” with him and Scred.

Transcript

Mel’s Char Palace IISummary: Mel (Dan Aykroyd) & Mrs. Mel (Gilda Radner) advertise again.

Recurring Characters: Mel, Mrs. Mel.

Transcript

Candice Bergen and the cast perform “Winter Wonderland”

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift Catalog IISummary: Another selection from the Don Pardo line of digital gifts.

Minute MysterySummary: Mike Mendoza (Dan Aykroyd) fails to suspect a sexy woman (Candice Bergen) of this week’s crime.

Recurring Characters: Mike Mendoza.

Transcript

Don Pardo’s Digital Gift Catalog IIISummary: Yet another selection from the Don Pardo line of digital gifts.

Martha Reeves performs “Silver Bells”

What Gilda AteSummary: Gilda Radner relays last Christmas’ strange appetite cravings.

Transcript

The Fritzie Kringle ShowSummary: Fritzie Kringle (Laraine Newman) eats her ingredients prematurely.

Mel’s Char Palace IIISummary: A final ad for Mel’s Char Palace.

Recurring Characters: Mel.

Transcript

Margaret KuhnSummary: Margaret Kuhn says “getting old is nothing to be afraid of.”

Bio: Margaret Kuhn (1905-95) actively fought for the rights of the elderly after she was forced to retire in 1970 at the age of 65. She founded the Gray Panthers in Philadelphia in 1971, and was given the Humanist of the Year award in 1978.

“Homeward Bound”Summary: Gary Weis film uses Simon & Garfunkel soundtrack to show travelers coming home to their families at Christmas.

Bio: A regular contributor of short films on “Saturday Night Live” during its first three seasons, Gary Weis also produced and directed the 1978 Rutles film “All You Need Is Cash.”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Bee Capades

….. Candice Bergen
….. Chevy Chase
Bees ….. Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, Anne Beatts, Tom Schiller, Neil Levy, Akira Yoshimura, Tom Davis, Al Franken, Rosie Shuster

[ TITLE CARD – “BEE CAPADES” in white letters on a red background with an illustration of a skating bee ]

[ DISSOLVE to a still shot of Candice Bergen on the ice rink ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): There you are.

Candice Bergen (V/O): Oh, that’s me!

[ DISSOLVE to a high angle shot on the 13 Bees lined up in two rows at an angle, with Candice skating down the middle ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Yup, and there are the Bees forming a traditional Christmas tree with you skating in the middle. Of course, we had a high angle on all of these.

[ CUT to a closer shot of Candice and the Bees. Al Franken falls down as the other Bees start skating ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): There you are again, Candice.

[ CUT to a wide shot of the Bees going into a formation. Even when they are in formation, it is impossible to tell what they are portraying ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Now, the Bees are going into a formation here…we lost our picture above…I believe they were doing a formation describing cranberry sauce.

[ CUT to a close, panning shot of Bees Al Franken, John Belushi, Akira Yoshimura, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner, and Anne Beatts in formation. Candice is shown applauding the Bees ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Mm-hm, there’s you again.

[ CUT to another high angle shot of the Bees going into formation ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): And here comes the famous nativity tableaux.

[ CUT to a close-up of Candice striking a pose ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): We had such a beautiful angle from…there’s you again.

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me, yes.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[ The Bees going into their nativity scene is shown again at half the speed, making it somewhat clearer what they were trying to convey ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): The nativity tableaux by the Bees. But we lost the picture above the, uh…but you can sort of get a picture of it here. They move very gracefully, with the precision of army ants. And there’s you.

Candice Bergen (V/O): Yes, yes, that’s me.

[ DISSOLVE to the Bees going into another formation in a series of medium shots ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Undauntingly beautiful…here comes their fourth formation. Now, none of us could figure this out from the ice if you could remember.

[ A shot of Candice posing is shows ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Yes, that’s you again. However, from above none of us could figure this out. So they immediatly went into their fourth formation. There you have it.

[ After the Bees create their incomprehensible fourth formation, Candice strikes a pose in a close-up ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me.

Chevy Chase (V/O): There’s you.

[ The Bees start skating again ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): And I believe what they were trying to do here was spell something out. I think it was “mistletoe” or “edeste fidelis”…

[ The footage of the Bees going into their fourth formation is repeated ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): …but they went back into the exact same formation here from some strange reason.

[ Yet another close-up of Candice is shown ]

Candice Bergen (V/O): That’s me again.

Chevy Chase (V/O): There’s you.

[ Closer shots of the Bees skating. Chevy Chase can be seen in his Bee costume ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Now, we got our picture back here, I remember…there’s me…and the Bees did a tribute to their trainer Leon.

[ An aerial shot shows the Bees lying down on the ice spelling out “NOEL”. The audience appluads ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): That’s about it.

[ The camera pans upwards to the Rockefeller Christmas tree and zooms into the star at the top ]

Chevy Chase (V/O): Isn’t that beautiful and Christmassy?

Candice Bergen (V/O): It’s gorgeous.

Chevy Chase (V/O): Just two minutes.

[ DISSOLVE to a still shot of Candice skating in front of Bees Tom Schiller, John Belushi, and Dan Aykroyd ]

[ Applause. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Billy’s Call Home

Mom ….. Jane Curtin
Dad ….. Dan Aykroyd
Billy ….. Chevy Chase
Officer ….. Garrett Morris

[ FADE IN on a middle-aged Southern couple in their living room reading quietly. The mom checks her watch angrily ]

Mom: Where is Billy? It’s 10:30 and he’s got school tomorrow!

Dad: Oh, that’s okay. He told me he’s helping that nice Mr. Eli out with the candy sales. He’ll be home.

Mom: Yeah, and young Clyde Merribell’s been missing for three weeks! I want Billy home on time.

[ The phone rings and the father answers it ]

Dad: Hello?

Billy’s voice on phone: Dad?

Dad: Billy? Are you all right, son?

[ CUT to Billy on the telephone, seated in an office with a police officer staring pensively at him ]

Billy: Uh, I’m down at the police station, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Well son, you couldn’t have done anything too serious. You’d never believe some of the stuff I did when I was your age. What are you accused of now, Billy?

Billy: Murder.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is that Billy? Is he all right?

Dad: Billy’s in a little trouble now, mother. Now Billy, uh, uh, everything’s gonna be all right. Your mother and I’ll help you out. We’ll get a lawyer down there, spend any money in the world to get a lawyer to prove your innocence, Billy.

Billy’s voice on phone: Well, I’m guilty, dad.

Dad: (clears throat) Well…uh, uh…your mother and I love you very much, son, and we’ll do anything we can to help, and I’m sure that whatever you did there you did for a good reason. And, and you’re a good boy.

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: No, I’m not. See, I helped kill 26 boys.

Dad’s voice on phone: Uh, 26 boys?

Billy: Well, I picked up some hitch hikers and brought them over to a party at Mr Eli’s. And, well, they sniffed glue and, uh, we had this makeshift plywood stake…

Dad’s voice on phone: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on now. Now don’t you blurt anything out there till we get a lawyer down there.

[ CUT back to the house ]

Mom: Is he hurt?

Dad: Wait, mama, wait. Billy’s in a little trouble now. I’ll tell you when I get off. Now, now, Billy, uh…we’re gonna come down there with a lawyer and your mother and I love you, and…be brave! Keep your chin up, all right son?

[ CUT back to Billy ]

Billy: All right, dad.

Dad’s voice on phone: Okay, bye bye now, son.

Billy: Bye.

[ CUT back to the house where Dad hangs up the phone ]

Mom: It isn’t mari-huana, is it?

Dad: No, it’s not marijuana, mom.

Mom: Oh, thank the Lord!

[ They resume reading as the camera pulls back ]

[ Applause. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

The Elf

Teddy … Chevy Chase
Linda … Candice Bergen
Mom … Jane Curtin
Dad … Dan Aykroyd

[In a modest living room, Teddy, a grown man in agreen elf costume, crouches atop a coffee table,playing with his brown, peaked elf cap.]

Teddy: [sings]
Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t go?
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t know?
Oh …

[puts his hat on, speaks]

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
Now, dance away, dance away, dance away all!

[Teddy jumps from table to sofa to a curtained windowthrough which he peers while singing.]

Teddy: [sings]
Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick

[Teddy’s sister, Linda, bursts in carryinggift-wrapped boxes.]

Linda: Merry Christmas!

Teddy: Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t–! Sis? [surprised,he shields himself partially with a window curtain]

Linda: [shocked] Oh, my God!

Teddy: Don’t – don’t – don’t look, Sis. Be a lot lesspainful for ya if you just, uh, try not to look.

Linda: [refusing to look at him] My own brother. Amight have expected this of anyone but my own brother![drops gifts on a chair]

Teddy: [crosses to her] It’s been my secret so long,Linda. Guess I’m almost glad you found out. [puts ahand on her shoulder – she shrugs it off – he moves tothe sofa and crouches upon it] It’s like some reliefafter all these years … for somebody to finallyrealize and know that I’m – I’m a …

Linda: [upset] Latent elf?! Is that what you’re trying to say?!

Teddy: Yes, I’m an elf! I’m an elf and I’m proud of it! Now, maybe you’ll understand what I was doing with all those eight by tens of Santa’s helpers over my bed.

Linda: [despairingly] How did it start, Teddy? How didit happen? You were always a red-blooded American boygoing off to football practice!

Teddy: Only I wouldn’t go off to football practice![quietly] I’d go off to some leafy glade and makemerry. … I don’t want to talk about it.

Linda: All right. [joins him on sofa] So this is whyyou never got married.

Teddy: Oh, I could have gotten married. Lots of us getmarried, lead perfectly normal lives, have children.[sits on the back of the sofa, puts a leg up on thesofa’s arm, exposing his leotard-clad crotch]

Linda: Would you mind being a little more discreet? Ican see your bells.

Teddy: [puts his leg down] You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?

Linda: No, not disgusting. Just sort of … impish and … spry.

Teddy: [amused, grows thoughtful] Spry. Seen that word so many times in dictionaries, I’ve heard it over the years. I’ve– Somehow never dreamed it would apply to me.

Linda: I never did either, Teddy. I mean, we grew up together, both of us, referring to the Seven Dwarfs as “they” — and now this!

Teddy: You know, I guess, in a way, I’m – I’m surprised you didn’t guess earlier. Many’s the time I could have sworn you might have caught the twinkle in my eye, I–

Linda: Well, even if I did, lots of people have twinkles in their eye. Dick Cavett, I don’t know. [sees Teddy nod with amusement – sudden realization] You don’t mean–?

Teddy: Most talk show hosts are. You know, [hops up – walks around to the rear of the sofa] you’ll probably handle this a lot better once you realize that frolicking is, uh, perfectly normal.

Linda: [unconvinced] Sure.

Teddy: I mean, you like to dance. [hops up on back of sofa] I like to prance. [nearly loses his balance and his peaked cap] I like to lose my hat. [puts cap back on, with a grin] I like to put it back on my head.Does that make me any different than you?

Linda: I suppose not.

Teddy: There you are. You think of the Elves and the Shoemaker as some kind of a cute story. I think of it as … a grand design for life. [crouches next to Linda on sofa] So?

Linda: So what? [genuinely] I’m sorry, Teddy. It’s just taking me a while to get used to it, that’s all, but I’ll – I’ll learn to accept it.

Teddy: Aw, Sis.

Linda: Teddy.

Teddy: You’re the greatest.

[Teddy gives Linda a kiss. A knock at the door.]

Linda: Oh, my God! It’s Mom and Dad! I told them tomeet me here for the club Christmas party and now–!

Teddy: Hey, if they have to handle it, they’ll handle it.

Linda: Boy, I hope so.

[Linda rises and goes to open the door. Teddy crouches on an end table next to the sofa. The parents, conservatively-dressed, enter. Mom wears a stylish print dress and Dad, carrying Christmas gifts, wearsdark suit, tie and hat.]

Linda: Mom, Dad, uh, before you come in, I think there’s one thing you should know.

[Mom and Dad see Teddy crouched on the end table. Mom glares icily as Dad sets his gifts on top of Linda’s on a nearby chair. Teddy looks at Mom expectantly.]

Mom: [coldly] So you’re one of them.

[Teddy lowers his head.]

Linda: [puts her hands on Mom’s shoulders] Mom, listen–

Mom: It’s all right, Linda. Your father’s been one for years.

Linda: Dad?!

[Mom abruptly breaks away from Linda and pulls off Dad’s hat, revealing a green peaked elf cap.]

Mom: It’s something I’ve learned to live with. All those lonely Christmas Eves after you kids went to bed, wondering whose tree he was trimming, whose stocking he was sticking a lump of coal into.

Linda: [puts her hands on Mom’s shoulders again] Come on, Mom. I think we’d better talk.

[Mom nods and the two women exit, leaving the men to confront one another. Dad stares at Teddy for a long moment, exhales, and finally speaks:]

Dad: Son, I – I don’t know what to say.

Teddy: [arms spread wide] Dad! It’s all right!

[Relieved, Dad frolics forward and hops up onto the sofa in an elfin crouch. Teddy hops off the end table and joins him. They are nose-to-nose, grinning like … elves.]

Dad: [points a thumb upwards and sings] Up on the rooftop, quick, quick, quick!

Teddy: [grinning, quietly] Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick!

[Dad hops off the sofa and does a goofy elfin frolic. Teddy joins him a moment later and arm-in-arm, they dance and sing.]

Both: [singing and prancing in a circle]
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t go?
Ho, ho, ho – who wouldn’t know?

[Dissolve to a wide view of the set, including cameras, microphones, monitors and the applauding audience. A superimposed text reads: SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD, THIS IS THE FAMILY HOUR. The two elves finishtheir dance and scamper in opposite directions off the set.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Christmas Eve At The White House

Gerald Ford ….. Chevy Chase
Frank ….. Garrett Morris
Director ….. Joe Dicso

[ FADE IN on a shot of Gerald Ford sitting in a chair in a comfy room with a fireplace and a Christmas tree. SUPERIMPOSE caption: “Christmas Eve At The White House”. DISSOLVE closer to Ford, who clumsily puts a record in the record player on the table next to him ]

Gerald Ford: (singing along) Pin your Christmas bonnet / With the mushrooms upon it / La la la…

[ Frank, the butler, enters. He is dressed in a tuxedo and is carrying a drink on a coaster. He stumbles on one of the presents under the tree as he walks in ]

Frank: Here is your cognac, Mr. President.

[ Ford rises from his chair and puts his hand on Frank’s shoulder ]

Gerald Ford: Fred, you’ve been with me a long time now. I don’t think that on Christmas Eve you have to call me “Mr. President”.

Frank: Uh, Mr. President, my name is Frank.

Gerald Ford: Frank…

Frank: And what should I call you?

Gerald Ford: Well, how about “Dr. President”?

Frank: Okay. Dr. President, the First Lady says you should turn up the Christmas carols so that everyone can hear them.

Gerald Ford: No problem there.

[ Ford goes over to the record player and turns the volume all the way down ]

Gerald Ford: Would you ask Betty in here to help me trim the tree, please?

Frank: Uh, yes sir.

[ Ford takes the coaster from under his cognac and places it on the mantelpiece. Frank quickly drinks the cognac when Ford’s back is turned, then exits. Ford starts to literally trim the tree, using a barber’s comb and scissors, before Frank enters again ]

Frank: Uh, Mr. President, it is time for the Christmas Eve White House Fireside Chat with the nation.

Gerald Ford: Oh yes. Fine, thank you.

[ Ford puts down the scissors as Frank exits. The director enters as Ford takes a set in his chair ]

Director: Ten seconds, Mr. President.

Gerald Ford: All right.

Director: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[ Ford has already started talking since the beginning of the countdown ]

Gerald Ford: …Merry Christmas to all of you and good evening.

Announcer (V/O): Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Gerald Ford: …join me for this Christmas Eve. Perhaps sit with me by the fireside and spend this time together as I put up and Jack and Susan’s stockings, and put the final ornament on the tree.

[ Ford gets up to the fireplace, where there are two Christmas stockings ]

Gerald Ford: This will be a Merry Christmas for the entire nation, I hope.

[ Ford hangs up the stockings upside-down, spilling the gifts inside ]

Gerald Ford: Peace and goodwill…

[ Ford picks up a handful of presents and tries to put them back in the stockings, but they fall to the floor again ]

Gerald Ford: …toward all men.

[ Ford walks over to a ladder perched next to the Christmas tree ]

Gerald Ford: Put the final Christmas tree ornament on the tree.

[ Ford climbs the ladder and stuggles to put the final ornament on top of the tree and starts tipping ]

Gerald Ford: No problem…

[ Ford falls completely off the ladder on top of the Christmas tree, landing head first on the floor. He looks into the camera and smiles ]

Gerald Ford: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

What Gilda Ate

…..Candice Bergen
…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Candice Bergen flanking Gilda Radner near a Christmas tree ]

Candice Bergen: Since Christmas is a traditional time for overeating, we have none other than the Great Gilda here to tell you how not to do it.

[ Candice steps aside ]

Gilda Radner: Uh — last Christmas, I went to my cousin Lenora’s house for dinner, and I was real good: I just had a salad with no dressing, and I had three pieces of the white meat of turkey and I didn’t have any stuffing, except for this ltitle piece that got stuck on the meat and it wasn’t my fault.

And, uh, then I had one candied yam, but I scraped all the candy part off and I dipped it in a glass of water before I ate it.

And, uh, on the table there was this bowl of, uh, mixed nuts — the kind that you crack yourself. So I had one pecan, but by accident my tongue touched the part that wasn’t the nut part, and my muoth got real dry and I had to wash it down with some pumpkin pie. And then I had just a black cup of coffee, with, uh, two Sweet ‘N Lows in it.

And then, uh, on my way home, I had to go to the bathroom, so I stopped off at this lady’s room that just happened to be attached to a howard Johnson’s. And I went in and I order a Fishwich, but I took off the roll and I picked all the breading off the fish, and I just had the fish, and then I ate the breading, and then I picked off the sesame seeds off the roll, and then I ate the roll.

And when I got home, I couldn’t sleep, so, uh, I made myself a glass of warm milk, but I was still hungry so I poured some cereal in it —

Candice Bergen: [ interrupting ] Uh, Gilda? I think we have to get on with the rest of the show now.

Gilda Radner: Oh. I — I was making myself sick, actually. [ she laughs ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Goodnights

…..Candice Bergen

Candice Bergen: Merry Christmas, everybody!

All: Merry Christmas!!!

Announcer: The Muppets are Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Alice Tweedy, Fran Brill, Richard Hunt, and Jim Henson. This is Don Pardo, saying: “Oh…oh… oh!” Whoops! I’m holding the paper upside-down.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

The Laundromat

Woman…..Gilda Radner
Man…..John Belushi

[ open on Woman enter a laundromat looking for an available washer. She bumps into Man, also looking for a an available washer. They find themselves standing in front of the only available washer in the laundromat, and decide to share it instead of leaving one or the other waiting. ]

[ They deposit their dirty clothes one at a time. First, the Man tosses in a pair of socks, as the Woman drops in a pair of pantyhose. ]

[ Man deposits a shirt, as Woman deposits a blouse ]

[ Moving along, Man places a pair of pants into the washer, as Woman drops in a long skirt ]

[ Man then pulls out a sleeveless t-shirt, and drops it into the washer. Woman pulls out a bra, but is apprehensive about putting it into the washer. As a gesture of good faith, Man grabs a red rose from his laundry basket and offers it to the Woman. She takes it, smells it, then throws her bra into the washer ]

[ Man pulls out a pair of dirty underwear from his basket, then snaps it into the washer. Woman pulls out a pair of her panties, but is again apprehensive about including it in the shared washload. To talk her into her, Man pulls out a bottle of wine and two glasses from his laundry basket. They toast their glasses and drink some wine, then she finally tosses her panties into the washer. ]

[ Man deposits a quarter into the washer, as Woman closes the lid ]

[ Man pulls out two cigarettes, lights them, and offers the Woman one. She accepts it, as they sit down in front of the washer and kiss. ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts