Mel: Hi! I’m Mel, for Mel’s Char Palace! Where you find your own cow! You cut your own steaks! You select your cow from over 200 head! You stun it! You cut it! You charbroil it! You.. cut.. your own steaks! We give you the saw! You cut your own sirloins, tips, blades, and roasts! You find it! You stun it! You cut it! As big and as thick as you want it! Only at Mel’s Char Palace! Our saws are light! Here’s Mrs. Mel!
[ Mrs. Mel walks up gripping a chainsaw ]
Show ’em how to work the saw!
[ Mrs. Mel lets the chainsaw rip ]
Yeah, she does it, you can, too, at Mel’s Char Palace, 217 Paramus!
Mel: Pow! Bam! You cut your own steaks! You find your own cow! You stun it! You drag it! You cut it! Mel’s saws are light! This little lady is Mrs. Mel! She does it!
[ Mrs. Mel walks up gripping a chainsaw and lets it rip ]
You cut your own steaks, roasts, and rumps! Any way you want ’em! ‘Cause you do the cutting — fast and easy! You cut! Your broil! Mel’s Char Palace! Route 15, Paramus!
[ dissolve to audience, zoom in on beared man with SUPER: “Chevy Chase’s Gay Lover” ]
Mel: YOU find! YOU stun! YOU cut! YOU broil! Steaks the way YOU’VE always wanted ’em! Custom cut to YOUR taste and size! We make it easy! You get prod, apron, board, and saw! You find, you stun, you cut! No mistakes! You do the cutting! No excess fat! The most satisfying charbroiler YOU’VE ever eaten! You cut! You broil! Mel’s Char Palace! Route 17 and 15, Paramus!
[ Mrs. Mel walks up gripping a chainsaw and lets it rip ]
[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on older man, with SUPER: “Wood Carver For Edgar Bergen” ]
Candice Bergen: Thank you very much. Um — I don’t have a snappy monologue tonight, I don’t have any sassy repartee, because, in fact, doing this show is my Christmas present to myself. I hosted it last month, and it was one of the nicest experiences I’ve ever had in my life. Uh — so I would like to thank our producer, Lorne Michaels for giving me such a swell Christmas — [ the audience erupts into applause ] and for creating a show that is so special, with such special people. Um — and speaking of special people, I can’t think of a better way to start the show than with Martha Reeves, not to mention Howard Shore and his Band of Angels.
[ FADE IN on Candice standing at home base as the audience applauds ]
Candice Bergen: Do you have a funny home movie that you think America would enjoy? If you do or want to make one, in Super 8 or 16mm, no longer than two minutes, NBC’s Saturday Night wants to see it. So send it to us. We’ll tell you how in a minute. Now, what do you get for sending us your home movies? Would you tell them what they get, Don Pardo?
Don Pardo (V/O): Candice, they get absolutely nothing. And in addition, the film will not be returned. Unless, of course, they send along a self-addressed stamped envelope.
Candice Bergen: Ah, tell them about guarantees, Don Pardo.
Don Pardo (V/O): Candice, people sending in home movies have no garuntees that NBC will use the film.
Candice Bergen: Well, if it is used, tell them what rights they have, Don Pardo.
Don Pardo (V/O): Candice, they have no rights whatsoever. But NBC will have unlimited rights to use the film in all media and in related publicity and promotion.
Candice Bergen: Isn’t this a wonderful offer? Send in your home movie comedies as fast as you can. Tell them where, Don Pardo.
[ DISSOLVE to the address written in white letters on a red background:
Home Movies NBC’s Saturday Night Box 304 Radio City Station New York, N.Y. 10019 ]
Don Pardo (V/O): Send your home movies, up to two minutes, Super 8 or 16mm, to “Home Movies, NBC’s Saturday Night, Box 304, Radio City Station, New York, New York, 10019”. Include your name and current address.
[ DISSOLVE back to Candice ]
Candice Bergen: And now, back to our home television show.
[ Chevy Chase enters from the right of the screen ]
Chevy Chase: Candy?
Candice Bergen: Yes, Chevy?
Chevy Chase: Perhaps we ought to show our home audience and studio audience just what we mean by “home movie”.
Candice Bergen: Okay.
Chevy Chase: Would you step this way?
Candice Bergen: (laughs)
Chevy Chase: We happen to have made a two-minute film ourselves, and uh…we thought we might show it to you now. It’s the Bee Capades, of course, on the Rockefeller skating rink.
[ The Gorch castle set is decorated with moldy old Christmas decorations. King Ploobis is wearing a white collar and black bowtie — and no other clothes — and he’s holding a full wineglass. ]
Ploobis: Good King Ploobis thus looked out… and all he saw was… Peuta. Ahhhh, is that a mirage of beauty before me, or is it Sophia Loren? No, it’s Peuta.
[ Queen Peuta enters, also dressed in her shabby finery. ]
Peuta: Oh, thank you, darling, but isn’t everything beautiful!
Ploobis: Mmmm.
Peuta: Oh, this party will be written up in People Magazine!
Ploobis: Well, it should be. We invited the whole show.
Peuta: Yes, that’s true. Do you think we’ll have enough food?
Ploobis: Well, let’s see.
[ Ploobis takes a silver cover off a tray, to reveal a brown furry piece of food with eyes and a mouth. ]
Food: Hi, hi… Oh, sure, there’s lots of me. I’m food! Eat me, taste me, bite me, I love it!
Ploobis: Well, since the dinner has been unfortuitously delayed, I might as well here.
[ Ploobis tears off a bit of the food with his mouth. ]
Food: Good, eat me, eat me! I am what you eat! Juicy back here, spicy down here! I am a banquet!
Ploobis: Delicious, delicious!
Food: Yes, I hope the guests hurry. If I’m not fresh, I’m out of business!
[ The doorbell rings. ]
Ploobis: Mmm, I do believe I hear the first guests arriving.
Peuta: Oh!
Ploobis: And whoever it is, I can’t wait to get ’em under the mistletoe… Oh. Uhhg.
[ It’s Scred, also in collar and bowtie, waiting under the mistletoe. ]
Ploobis: Evening, Scred.
Scred: Uh, yeah. Nice to see you, Ploobis.
Ploobis: Yes, you’re looking wonderful tonight.
Scred: And I’m under the mistletoe…
Ploobis: Uhhh. You’re not looking that wonderful, Scred. Tell me, Scred — where is everybody tonight?
Scred: Oh, they’re all over at the Bees’ Christmas party!
Ploobis: The Bees’ Christmas party! They’re having a big Bee bash?
Scred: Yeah.
Ploobis: Oh. I wonder why they didn’t invite us.
Scred: Well, that might be my fault. You see, last week I overheard one of the Bees comment that you look like a factory outlet for green washcloths.
Ploobis: The nerve!
Scred: Yeah. So I told ’em, I said, “Aaah, you eat your young!” Heh heh heh.
Ploobis: You’ve got a nimble tongue, Scred.
Scred: Yeah. But then he said, “Well, I’d rather shave my legs than go to your party!” So I guess that’s when he made up his mind to have his own party.
Ploobis: Well, it won’t be nearly as much fun as ours.
Scred: Yeah. And it’ll sure teach him to mind his own beeswax, anyway.
[ The doorbell rings. ]
Ploobis: Oh! Who’s this…
[ Vazh and Wisss enter, chuckling. ]
Wisss: Good party, wasn’t it?
Vazh: Hello, hello. The funniest thing just happened over at the Bees’… Somebody started playing Flight of the Bumblebee, and they all started flying around the room, with lampshades on their heads! Ha ha! Wasn’t that a riot.
Wisss: Oh, wow. It was too much.
Ploobis: Hmmm.
Wisss: Well, uh… this party certainly is the pits…
Vazh: Hmmm.
Wisss: Hey, let’s get back to the Bees’!
Vazh: Yeah, anyway, they’re about to show “The Sting”.
Wisss: Right. Um, catch ya later… c’mon, honey!
Vazh: See ya! Bye.
[ Vazh and Wisss exit. ]
Ploobis: Yeah.
[ Scred sighs. ]
Ploobis: Well.
Peuta: Well. I just remembered a great party I could probably get into if I go stag… Besides, I’ve never seen “The Sting”.
[ Peuta exits. ]
Scred: Have fun.
Ploobis: Well, Scred, it looks like it’s just you and me.
Scred: Well… Merry Christmas, boss.
[ Then Candice Bergen arrives, wearing a Merry Christmas T-shirt. ]
Candice: Hi, everybody!
Ploobis: Oh, Candy!
Candice: How are you? Am I too late for the party?
Scred: Oh, not at all! Why, since you got here, the fun’s just begun!
Candice: Oh. Well, where is everybody?
Ploobis: Oh, well, uh, they, uh…
Scred: Yeah, well, they’re socializing with insects.
Candice: Oh, at the Bees’. Well, I was just there, it’s a terrific party.
Scred: Hmmm.
Ploobis: Great.
Candice: Oh, well, I think this is wonderful. I mean, I love intimate parties… of three.
Scred: Awww…
Candice: C’mon, guys!
[ sings: ]
“Have yourself a merry little Christmas Let your heart be light.”
Together: “Next year all your troubles Will be out of sight… Have yourself a merry little Christmas If the fates allow Hang a shining star Upon the highest bough.”
Scred & Candice: “And have yourself… A merry little Christmas… now…”
[ Candice and Scred finish the song, looking deep into each other’s eyes. Scred snuggles up to Candice. ]
Scred: Ohhh, Candice… What are you doing later?
Candice: Why?
Scred: Let’s ditch this guy and go to the Bees’ party.
Mike Mendoza…..Dan Aykroyd Lopez…..John Belushi Winona…..Candice Bergen Corpse…..Michael O’Donoghue
[ open on interior, parlor, close-up of bloodied corpse resting on a settee ]
Announcer: Mike Mendoza, Crime Photographer, challenges you to solve another actual case history from the files of the Mexico City Police, on tonight’s episode of: “Minute Mystery”.
[ music sting, as title appears and Mike Mendoza snaps pictures of the corpse ]
Mike Mendoza: Good! got him! See you tomorrow on the front page of the Mexico City Globe Dispatch. [ he walks past gun-toting Winona on his way out ] Hey! Wait a minute. [ turns to Winona ] Who are you? Want to play Trap the Clam?
Lopez: I’ll ask the questions around here, Mike! [ to Winona ] Who are you?!
Winona: [ coolly ] Winona Foxfire, the victim’s confidential secretary.
Lopez: [ sudden ] Do you want to play Trap the Clam?
Winona: No.
Lopez: Where were you five minutes ago?
Winona: Attending a lecture on chlorine.
Lopez: What’s your favorite color?
Winona: Shell-pink.
Lopez: What’s your second favorite color?
Winona: Robin’s egg-blue.
Lopez: What’s your pet peeve?
Winona: [ thinking ] I can’t stand a man who doesn’t have a scar.
[ music sting, as Lopez and Mike Mendoza consider this response ]
Mike Mendoza: Say, listen — I got a scar right here, where I fell off a scooter once. [ he reaches for his ankle ]
Winona: You look like you comb your hair with buttered toast!
Lopez: Heey, you want to see scars, baby? I’ve got scars all over — [ he pulls open his shirt ]
Winona: Eat my hair net, jocko!
Mike Mendoza: [ stepping away ] Minx!
Lopez: [ joins Mike ] Vixen!
Mike Mendoza: A bit sleek for my tastes.
Lopez: Yeah.
Winona: Hey, fellas — you know what realy gets me HOT? Guys who can’t solve crimes. There’s something about bumbling, dimwitted detectives that really guns my motor.
Mike Mendoza: Well, Lopez — who do you think snuffed the Professor?
Lopez: Beats me! I haven’t the vaguest idea! What about yourself?
Mike Mendoza: Ooh, you got me, pal! [ he smacks himself across the forehead ] I don’t know. Maybe our viewing and studio audience knows. I’m going to give them just 20 seconds to come up with the right answer, starting NOW!
[ Lopez fires his gun, as Mike Mendoza fixes his gaze on his watch ]
[ pan along the room to reveal clues: a desk portrait, a pair of shoes on a platter, a push mower, a seashell on a stack of books, a doll seated on a chair, “Winona did It” written in blood on the wall ]
[ a buzzer sounds ]
Mike Mendoza: Time’s up! Don Pardo, why don’t you tell folks who the murderer is?
Don Pardo V/O: I have no idea, I’m stumped!
Mike Mendoza: Me, too. I’m completely baffled.
Lopez: Totally nonplussed!
Don Pardo V/O: I do have a scar, however!
Winona: Come on, let’s get out of this dump. You can teach me how to play Stuff the Bunny.
Mike Mendoza: It’s… Trap the Clam.
Lopez: Listen, we can play them all! Stuff the Bunny, Trap the Clam…
Winona: Swallow the Swan?
Lopez: Sure! Swallow the Swan!
Mike Mendoza: I don’t think I know Swallow the Swan…
[ the three of them exit the parlor, leaving the corpse alone ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next week, see Mike tackle the mystery of the one-armed Japanese aquamaid, on… “Minute Mystery”.
[ FADE in on a photo of a man in a suit with a digital clock on his vest reading 12:48. The photo is framed in a holly wreath on a red background, with “AVAILABLE ONLY FROM THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE” written on the right side of the screen ]
Don Pardo (V/O): This digital vest is just one of the items available only through Don Pardo’s Digital Gift Catalogue. 129.95 at all outlets.
Announcer: And now, her Serene Highness, Princess Grace of Monaco, for new Tarn-Off.
Princess Grace: Hi. I’m Princess Grace for Tarn-Off, Rovco’s amazing new tarnish remover. This revolutionary new product cleans fast and effectively and is safe for everything — even tarnished diamonds! With only one dunk — [ she dunks her head in the tarnish bowl ] new Tarnish eats up varnish, leaves your crown sparkling! Yes, get down between encrusted jewels without rubbing! Isn’t that amazing! And Tarn-Off cleans a sceptior before you can say — [ she dunks the sceptor ] “Let them eat cake!” Tarn-Off is ideal for family heirlooms.
[ two knights in rusty armor march forward ]
Princess Grace: Remove grit, grime, and germs from other centuries!
[ she dunks their armored gloves into the tarnish bowl ]
Knights: Ooohhh! Look how shiny!
Princess Grace: Try it! Tell your friends! Tarn-Off is used in vice regal homes all over Europe and Asia Minor. And if you order now, I’ll send you this book of spicy Mediterranean recipes!
I don’t rub, I don’t scrub. I don’t even wipe! With Rovco’s new Tarn-Off!
