….. Elliot Gould ….. Gilda Radner Priest ….. Michael O’Donoghue ….. Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman
[ FADE IN on a close-up of Elliot Gould at home base ]
Elliot Gould: Do I say anything? When?
[ The camera pulls back to reveal the entire cast, except for Garrett Morris, standing on-stage with Elliot. Gilda is dressed in a wedding dress, Jane and Laraine are her bridesmaids, and Dan, John, and Chevy are all in tuxedos. A priest stands in front of Elliot and Gilda ]
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.
[ Applause. The credits roll as the camera pulls back on an overhead shot of the wedding. In the credits, Dave Wilson’s name is X’d out, a reference to the Killer Bees sketch earlier in the show ]
Don Pardo (V/O): The Muppets are Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson, Alice Tweedy, Richard Hunt, and Jim Henson. Also featured in tonight’s cast: Michael O’Donoghue and Paula Kahn. Lorne Michaels was played by Dave Wilson. Dave Wilson was played by Lorne Michaels. And guess who played Don Pardo? Next week’s host: Buck Henry. Good night!
[ Gould comes doown the stairs while smoking a cigarette ]
Elliot Gould: Well, I JUST got in, and this is a Lucky! [ he drops it to the floor and stomps on it ] And, uh — does anyone know who won the Islander game? Ah, they were behind the Russians, 2-1, I know it’s over, but the Islanders are where I’m coming from — Bell Harbor.
[ in the background, Paul Shaffer approaches a piano and sits ]
Elliot Gould: Yeah, I went back and I got some old music. [ he approaches Paul Shaffer and hands him the sheet music ] Paul Shaffer’s gonna play for me! Okay!
[ the audience applauds, as Paul starts tinkling the keys ]
Elliot Gould: [ singing ] “As you listen to the band, don’t you get a bubble? As you listen to them play, don’t you get a glow? When you step out on the floor You’ll forget your trouble If you go into your dance You’ll forget your woes
So Come get together Let the dance floor feel your leather Step as lightly as a feather Let yourself go.
Come, hit the timber Loosen up and start to limber Can’t you hear that hot marimba? Let yourself go.
Now, let yourself go Relax And let yourself go Relax You’ve got yourself tied up in a knot The night is cold, but the music’s hot.
So, come cuddle closer Don’t you dare to answer “No, sir!” Butcher, banker, clerk or grocer Let yourself go.”
[ he jumps directly into “Crazy Rhythm” ]
“Crazy rhythm, here’s the doorway You’ll go your way, I’ll go my way Crazy rhythm, here’s goodbye to you!
Here is where we have a showdown You’re too high-hat, I’m too low-down Crazy rhythm, here’s goodbye to you!”
[ he tugs at his suspenders ]
Suspenders!
“They say that when a high-brow meets a low-brow Walking along Broadway Soon the high-brow, he got no brow Ain’t it a shame? You are to blame!
What’s the use of Prohibition? You produce the same condition, Crazy rhythm, I’ve gone crazy, too!”
[ he starts doing a shuffle, much to the audience’s delight, then finishes with a flourish ]
[ Queen Peuta and Scred are browsing through The Joy of Sex. ]
Scred: Well, what’ll it be tonight, your horniness? Shall we wrap ourselves in linguini? Or shall I just play with your moogies? Hee hee hee…
Peuta: SCRED! [ POW! ]
Scred: Oh, oh oh oh. Hmmm. That was kinda nice. I like that, too. Hit me again!
Peuta: Ohhh… when will you ever grow up? All you men make sex sound so… so vile.
Scred: [ looking through the book: ] WOW… Hey, Peuta, could we start right here on page 92? Look at that picture! How do they make their bodies do that, anyway? [ He tries to crane his neck into the pose. ] Owww.
Peuta: Scred, stop that!
Scred: Hmmm?
Peuta: I want to talk to you about something very serious.
Scred: Ohhh… can’t it wait?
Peuta: I mean, right NOW! [ POW! ]
Scred: Wow. I love a woman who takes charge.
Peuta: Scred, Scred, Scred! This affair of ours can’t go on any longer. I’m starting to feel so guilty about it.
Scred: Guilty? Why, we’ve been meeting like this for four hundred years! It’s kinda fun!
Peuta: Ha ha… I know, but still and all, darling, it bothers me that Ploobis doesn’t know about us.
Scred: Okay. I’ll tell him. Sometime. [ He nuzzles Peuta, kissing her neck. ]
Peuta: No, Scred… you must tell him NOW! Otherwise… you’ll have to do without!
Scred: Without what?
Peuta: Without… THIS! [ She raises her shirt to flash her moogies. ]
Scred: Oh, NO!
Peuta: Think about it, Scred! [ She walks off with her nose in the air. ]
Scred: Ohhh… what a dilemma! Wow. Without Peuta, I’d just DIE! But if I tell Ploobis… he’ll KILL me! Ohhhh…
[ Cut to: King Ploobis at his desk, writing a letter. ]
Ploobis: Gruuhhhrrr… Dear Abby…
[ Scred enters. ]
Scred: Hey, Ploobis! I gotta talk to you about something.
Ploobis: Not NOW, can’t you see I’m busy? [ POW! ]
Scred: Heyyy… he’s almost as good as Peuta!
Ploobis: Scred… I’m very upset.
Scred: Ohhh… what’s wrong, your cuckoldness?
Ploobis: Well, you know I’ve been married to Peuta for over six centuries…
Scred: Mmm hmm…
Ploobis: Mostly, it’s been a happy marriage, but… I think my wife is seeing another man.
[ Scred starts to quiver. ]
Ploobis: Yes, I… I just don’t know what to do about it… I think, Scred, I think I may cry.
Scred: Ohhhh! That’s the saddest thing I ever heard!
Ploobis: Mmm hmmm.
Scred: Any idea who the rat is?
Ploobis: No. But I’ll tell you one thing… if I ever get my hands on him…
[ Ploobis grabs Scred by the throat… ]
Ploobis: I’m gonna grab him by the throat… and then I’m gonna twist his neck… and then I’m gonna stick my fingers in his ears… and I’m gonna SHAKE him… until he is DEAD!
[ Ploobis throws Scred down on the ground. Scred gasps for air as he gets up. ]
Scred: WOW! What page is THAT on?
Ploobis: Oh, Scred, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just got carried away there, please excuse me, my friend, my pal. Incidentally, uh — what was it you wanted to talk about?
Scred: Uhhh… oh, nothing! Just wanted to wish you a nice day! Heh.
Ploobis: Oh. Yes, it probably is, isn’t it. Somewhere…
[ Ploobis walks off, the model of dignified sorrow. ]
Scred: Oh, no. What have I done? Ohhh… imagine me, Scred — a home wrecker! A ladies’ man! A gigolo! Hey, that’s kind of exciting… Oh, what am I saying? This is serious! Oh, I’ve gotta talk to somebody…
[ GONNNNG! ]
Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME.
Scred: Oh, Favog… I’ve got a problem!
Favog: HMMMM. IT’S GONNA COST YA. WHAT IS IT — BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL?
Scred: Sexual.
Favog: AWRIIIIGHT! THAT’LL BE, UH, FOUR CHICKENS.
Scred: Hmmm. Wow. That’s kinda steep.
Favog: IS THIS REAL JUICY STUFF?
Scred: Yeah. It’s about me and Peuta.
Favog: AWRIIIIGHT! TWO CHICKENS!
Scred: And Ploobis…
Favog: NO CHARGE! AWRIGHT, TALK TA ME. HURRY UP.
Scred: Oh, I’m really in trouble.
Favog: YEAH, YEAH?
Scred: Yeah, ya see…
Favog: YEAH?
Scred: Peuta and I have been having an affair.
Favog: I LOVE IT!
Scred: Yeah, but the thing is that Peuta says I can’t see her anymore, unless I tell Ploobis!
Favog: MMMM. THAT IS A PROBLEM.
Scred: Yeah.
Favog: BUT YOU DON’T NEED ANYONE ELSE. YOU CAN FIND SELF FULFILLMENT BY YOURSELF.
Scred: What do you mean?
Favog: LOOK IT UP. PAGE 212 IN THE JOY OF SEX.
[ Scred’s eyes widen… and he runs off to find his book. ]
[ open on suburban kitchen, Wife and Husband arguing ]
Wife: New Shimmer is a floor wax!
Husband: No, new Shimmer is a dessert topping!
Wife: It’s a floor wax!
Husband: It’s a dessert topping!
Wife: It’s a floor wax, I’m telling you!
Husband: It’s a dessert topping, you cow!
Spokesman: [ enters quickly ] Hey, hey, hey, calm down, you two. New Shimmer is both a floor wax and a dessert topping! Here, I’ll spray some on your mop.. [ sprays Shimmer onto mop ] ..and some on your butterscotch pudding. [ sprays Shimmer onto pudding ]
[ Husband eats while Wife mops ]
Husband: Mmmmm, tastes terrific!
Wife: And just look at that shine! But will it last?
Spokesman: Hey, outlasts every other leading floor wax, 2 to 1. It’s durable, and it’s scuff-resistant.
Husband: And it’s delicious!
Spokesman: Sure is! Perks up anything from an ice cream sundae to a pumpkin pie!
Wife: Made from an exclusive non-yellowing formula.
Husband: I haven’t even touched my pudding and I’m ready for more!
Wife: But what about black heel marks?
Spokesman: Dirt, grime, even black heel marks, wipe clean with a damp mop.
[ Husband accidentally sprays Shimmer onto the floor ]
Husband: Oh, sorry, honey, I’ll clean that up!
Wife: Oh, no problem, sweetheart, not with new Shimmer!
[ Spokesman laughs continuously as he approaches the camera ]
Spokesman: New Shimmer, for the greatest shine you ever tasted!
Announcer: and now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ on the phone ] No, you know — I love it just after you cut your nails and they’ve very, very sharp. No, the whole points of the beads — [ looks up, sees camera ] I gotta go! [ hangs up ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.
Our top story tonight: While campaigning for the upcoming primary in New Hampshire, President Ford kissed a snowball and threw a baby. Fortunately, the baby was not injured, but it took a White House surgical team five hours to remove the snowball from the President’s mouth. The snowball, nicknamed “Snowball” by Ford, will be preserved by the Smithsonian Institution in the newly-created Gerald Ford wing. The wng already houses such relics as: fifteen shattered skis, six dented airplane propellers, one dented helicopter door, 450 cranial X-rays, and former CIA Director William Colby.
This story was just in this afternoon: at a summit conference yesterday, Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai had a high-level talk with Generalissimo Francisco Franco. Upon the topics of discussion: Spanish rice.
In a surprise move, the CIA and the FBI have decided to merge, forming a new government agency to be known, strangely enough, as the ICA-FIB-MOUSE. [ he cracks up ] Just kidding! The sole function of the new agency will be to keep a watch on itself, thus freeing America to go about its business in private.
In other CIA-related news, the fighting in the African nation of Angola continues, amid international political confusion. For a live satellite transmission from Angola, let’s speak directly, via telephone link-up, with correspondent Pam Liederquist in Angola. [ he picks up the phone, as the screen reveals a man twirling a pizza at an Italian restaurant ] Hello. Hello, Angola? [ he looks at the screen, registering a great surprise ] Angelo? No, no, no… we had this problem before. Ang-o-la! Anchovies? I don’t want anchovies, I’d like Angola. We’re supposed to have a live — I must have the wrong number. Bye. [ he hangs up ] Well, we appear, once again, to have a transmission problem. As you can see, the fighting HAS calmed down considerably.
Well, as the primaries approach, more and more varied candidates are joining the fight for the Democratic ticket. The latest entry is Senator Robert Byrd. [ reveal man posed with giant egg ] Byrd was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but says now that he deeply regrets that association. Byrd has been quoted as saying: “I don’t judge a man by the color of his skin; I judge him according to the size of his nostrils.”
Meanwhile, Sargent Shriver, stressing his close association with the Kennedy clan and his affinity for the Trumans’ straightforwardness, has written his own campaign slogan: “The Duck Stops Here.” Asked if his plans would affect a Kennedy draft, Shriver commented: “I do not believe this year that Teddy Kennedy will throw his hat into the water.”
Right now, let’s go live to Cape Canaveral, Florida, and correspondent Laraine Newman.
[ reveal Laraine Newman standing in front of a green-screen of a rocketship taking off ]
Laraine Newman: Chevy, this is indeed a historic moment at the Cape. For some years now, scientists and government environmentalists have been trying to come up with a way to get rid of stocks of deadly nerve gas that is built up monthly by the Armed Forces. Because of the danger of dumping these chemicals into the sea, NASA has decided to dispose of the materials in outer space. And this is the first such space shot to take place. Behind me, a Saturn rocket loaded with enough deadly gas to wipe out all life on Earth a hundred times over has just been launched safely out of our atmosphere. All the power, all the thrust. Many times, the deadly poisonous gas has been buried, and used as hybrids for niblet corn. [ the rocketship can be seen spiraling out of control and exploding within the atmosphere ] This is Laraine Newman reporting from Cape Canavarel.
Chevy Chase: Still to come: Jerry Ford’s whistlestops on the way to New Hampshire.
[ dissolve to Jamitol ad parody ]
[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk, arguing with his “wife”, Michael O’Donoghue.
Michael O’Donoghue: I’m sick of it, that’s all! I’m SICK of it!
Chevy Chase: Look, look — I’m pretty tired of having this argument every week, Michael!
Michael O’Donoghue: May I just finish one sentence?!
Chevy Chase: Yeah.
Michael O’Donoghue: I-I-I’m sick of staying home alone by myself every Saturday night, I’m sick of going to parties that go 1:30, 2 o’clock in the morning —
Chevy Chase: W-w-w-wait a minute!
Michael O’Donoghue: You just don’t care —
Chevy Chase: Caring has nothing to do with it, Michael! You know it! I have to be here! This is how I earn my living!
Michael O’Donoghue: Well… okay, Chevy. I have to earn a living, too, and I don’t do it by incoveniencing others.
Chevy Chase: Listen, Michael, I-I-I — look, I don’t want to argue about this any further, alright?
Michael O’Donoghue: [ points to the camera with his pipe ] You’re on.
[ Chevy glances at the camera and smiles ]
Chevy Chase: [ falsetto ] In other news — [ clears his throat, deepens his voice ] IN OTHER NEWS! Well, the times they are a-changing. In California, possession of marijuana is now a mere misdemeanor. Today, however, it was discosed — disclosed… toy boat! It was disclosed that the penalty for being caught with rolling papers is three to five years.
Another marijuana note — a serious one this time. The FBI claims that a huge shipment of grass, which they are calling Killer Dope, has been smuggled into New York City. The Bureau urges users not to smoke the weed, which is greenish-brown in color, not particularly seedy, and contains mostly cannabis buds. Warning symptoms are a mild euphoria, a slight rise in the pulsory, some hallucination, and death by laughter with fifteen minutes.
In an effort to aid the FBI in its investigation, Weekend Update is undertaking its own analysis of marijuana sent to us anonymously by any viewers who may be worried. Simply place a small sample of the suspected cannabis in an envelope and send it immediately to: [ SUPER ] “Chevy Chase, Apt. 12 827 W 81st Street, New York City 10053”.
Our final note tonight concerns the 50th anniversary of NBC, celebrated with the unveiling of their new logo which costs a total of a whopping $6 million. Surprisingly enough, the same logo was developed by a local TV statino in the midwest at a cost of $100, and has been in use there for some time. Not only is that station suing NBC, but Weekend Update research has uncovered other businesses who have been using the insignia for a number of years and who are planning on bringing their claims to court. Among those suing: Ned’s Body Shop and Hairdresser in New Jersey… Norton’s Suppository Cleaners in Austin, Texas… the National Cast Iron Mime Troop in San Diego… the Nearer to Thee My Dog Pet Burial Service in Pensacola, Florida… and the Neck Brace and Dental Technicians Union in Detriot, Michigan.
In an effort to ward off legal action, NBC has decided to look over their earlier logo ideas, beginning with the $4 million design. [ the two shapes are on top of one another ]
And, of course, we have the $300,000 concept. [ the two shapes merge at an angle ]
And, of course, next, the $200 logo. [ the two shapes are one in front of the other ]
And, of course, finally, the $3 design, originally submitted by Alexander Kalder’s pet gibbon Marvin. [ reveal series of colored shapes overlapping ]
[ Chevy turns to face the other camera ]
Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who are foreign, I will repeat the top story of the day in foreign languages.
[ SUPER: “News For Foreignors” ]
[ Chevy rambles in foreign dialects ]
Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 1: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 17th, 1976 Buck Henry Bill Withers Toni Basil The Blues Brothers The Muppets Michael O’Donoghue None Alan Zweibel Tom Schiller Anne Beatts Tom Davis Al Franken Neil Levy Season 1: Order Now!Suicide HotlineSummary: Suicide operator (Chevy Chase) fails to save caller’s life and falls to the floor after stepping out of the room for a minute. Transcript
Montage
Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: After admitting that he wasn’t the first choice to host this week’s show, a list of other people asked to host scrolls over Buck Henry’s speech. Bio: Buck Henry (1930-) hosted “Saturday Night Live” ten times during its glory days, the most of any host during that time span. Henry created the series “Get Smart” with Mel Brooks in the 60’s, and scripted popular films such as “The Graduate” and “What’s Up, Doc?” He later wrote and starred in the short-lived “The New Show”, produced by Lorne Michaels in 1984. Transcript
Samurai DelicatessenSummary: Mr. Dantley (Henry) orders a sandwich from Futaba (John Belushi). Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley. Transcript
Presidential ForeplaySummary: Jane Curtin interviews Linda Louise (Gilda Radner), the latest woman who claims to have had an affair with President John F. Kennedy while he was in office. Transcript
Operation: StumblebumSummary: President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) takes a meeting with one of his advisors (Buck Henry). To distract from his clumsy behavior during speeches, Secret Service agents will join him on his falls to the floor. Note: The Oval Office uses the same set as “Suicide Hotline.” Transcript
Bill Withers performs “Ain’t No Sunshine”Bio: Bill Withers (1938-) pursued a musical career in 1967, after a nine-year stint in the Navy. He recorded demos while making toilet seats for the Boeing aircraft company.
Evelyn Woodski Speed Reader SchoolSummary: Evelyn Woodski (Laraine Newman) can read fast, but not very well. Transcript
Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Midnight call leads Chevy Chase to Angola janitor at 6 AM. Chevy makes faces during Henry Zuckerman’s (Buck Henry) anti-masturbation editorial. Chevy repeats the top story for deceased viewers. Transcript
Germasol Air FreshenerSummary: the oversized air freshener is perfect for covering old dinner smells in a woman’s (Gilda Radner) apartment. Transcript
Citizen Kane IISummary: In odd sequel, Mr. Thompson (Buck Henry) learns of Charles Foster Kane’s (Dan Aykroyd) other last words. Transcript
The MuppetsSummary: Scred and Peuta try to operate their new sex toy from Japan. Transcript
Triple-TracSummary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see. Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.
Toni Basil performs “Wham Re-Bop Boom Bam”Bio: Toni Basil’s primary occupation in the world of entertainment has been as a choreographer. She also formed the urban-style dance troupe, the Lockers, and made appearances in films like “Easy Rider.” Basil is best-remembered for her 80’s one-hit wonder, “Mickey.”
Auto Mechanic Bedtime StorySummary: An auto machanic (Dan Aykroyd) tells his daughter (Gilda Radner) car-related bedtime stories. Note: Uses the same set as “Suicide Hotline” and the Oval Office from “Operation: Stumblebum.” Transcript
Why Drugs Are Called “Dope”Summary: A drug user (Chevy Chase) demonstrates why drugs are referred to as “dope” when he misuses a joint. Transcript
Gary Weis FilmBuck Henry takes to the streets of Irvington, New York to find the town’s funniest person.
Mike Douglas ImpressionSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) does an impression of Mike Douglas with needles in his eyes. Transcript
Wrigley’s GumSummary: The gum good enough to be enjoyed by the deceased. Note: Repeat from 10/25/75.
American Constipation SocietySummary: Fred (Buck Henry) feels uncomfortable when his neighbors joke about his constipation problem. Note: Uses the same set as “Suicide Hotline”, “Auto Mechanic Bedtime Story” and the Oval Office from “Operation: Stumblebum.” Transcript
Announcer: [ over title card ] And now a word from the American Constipation Society.
[ dissolve to suburban living room, Fred seated on the couch reading the newspaper as Beatrice walks past ]
Fred: Say, honey? what say we don’t take our usual walk tonight?
Beatrice: Not feeling well?
Fred: Ah, I don’t know. I guess I’m a little “under the weather.”
Beatrice: Oh? What’s the matter?
Fred: You know.
Beatrice: No, I don’t know, Fred.
Fred: Well, I’m feeling a little… “out of sorts”, dear.
Beatrice: Out of sorts. [ she comes around the couch and sits ] Did I just hear you say “out of sorts”?
Fred: Mmm-hmm.
Beatrice: You know, last night, Fred, you couldn’t make it up to the sidewalk because you were — what was it? You, uh… “weren’t in the swing of things.”
Fred: I’m sorry, honey. I wish I could “get back in the saddle again”, but… well, Beatrice… quite bluntly, I just can’t… “get on the runway.”
Beatrice: Say no more! What you’re trying to say is that you’ve been feeling “grounded” lately. No “lift-off”… a little “jet lag”.
[ suddenly, Gilda and Chevy enter the living room ]
Gilda: Hi, Bea! Hi, Fred! How are you?
[ the two women exchange hugs, as Chevy joins Fred on the couch ]
Chevy: Hey, I haven’t seen you on your walks lately. I just thought we’d drop by, see how you’re feeling. Everything’s okay?
Fred: Oh, sure, everything’s fine. I’m not quite “up to par” lately, I guess.
Chevy: A-ha!
Beatrice: Fred’s overtook you in the Bombay doors.
Chevy: Ah! [ he laughs ]
Gilda: Can’t “sink the ball”, huh, Fred?
Chevy: Hey, what’s the matter, Fred — “horse won’t leave the starting gate”?
Gilda: [ laughing ] Well, what’s bothering you, Fred? Can’t “get the garage door open”?
Beatrice: Fred has “plenty of bills, but no loose change!”
[ everyone laughs uproariously, as Officer Jackson enters ]
Chevy: Hey! Officer Jackson! Are we making a little too much noise for the neighbors?
Officer Jackson: No, I’m sure everything is all right. I just heard the laughing and wanted to make sure there was no irregularity.
[ everyone laughs harder, as Fred fumes ]
Officer Jackson: Hey, I guess you folks are up here having a blast, huh?
[ everyone laughs harder ]
Beatrice: Some of us are, but not Fred. Huh, Fred?
Fred: Everything’s just FINE, Walt! It’s a hazy evening — you think it’s gonna rain?
Officer Jackson: Oh, I don’t know. Them thunder heads, they’ve been building up for days. ‘Course, I don’t know if they’re gonna break, though, uh — ‘course, Riverdale could use a little rain.
Chevy: [ laughing ] Hey, uh — just a quick “cloud burst” would be nice, eh, Fred?
Beatrice: [ laughing ] Even a “gust of wind” would be nice for a change, huh?
Officer Jackson: Hey, now, come on! Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on Fred? Well, Fred, I’ve been knowking you a long time, and you do look a little under the weather. What’s wrong, uh… you “can’t get the LOG on the FIRE!!” [ he starts laughing with the others ]
Beatrice: [ laughing ] Walt, he hasn’t even “found the kick pin” yet!
Gilda: Fred “can’t get the tarts out of the oven”!
Chevy: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!! Come on, come on, come on! When Fred’s ready — and only when Fred’s ready — Fred’s gonna “snap a big fish”, aren’t you, Fred?
[ everyone laughs harder, as Fred fumes and Chevy gives him a sly little wink ]
[ an uncomfortable pause, as everyone waits for the… ]
[ dissolve to art card: “Constipation: No Laughing Matter” ]
Announcer: This is Don Pardo saying: Constipation is no laughing matter.
President Gerald Ford….Chevy Chase Ron Nessen…Buck Henry Secret Service Agent #1…Garrett Morris Secret Service Agent #2…John Belushi Voice of Reporter…Lorne Michaels
[SUPER: “AN OVAL OFFICE”]
[Open on President Ford at his desk reading a document, with Press Secretary Ron Nessen seated in a chair to Ford’s right. Ford’s (stuffed) dog Liberty is on the floor at his left. Ford takes a pen from the pen holder in front of him and tries to sign the document.]
Ron Nessen: Mr. President, you’re signing your hand.
[Ford calmly places the pen back in its holder and looks over at Nessen]
Gerald Ford: Come on in and sit down, Ron.
[Nessen gets up from his chair, walks out the door, shuts it, reopens it, walks back in and sits in the same chair]
Gerald Ford: Now what’s this about a press conference, Ron?
Ron Nessen: You called it, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Called it what?
Ron Nessen: No, you called the press conference, Sir.
Gerald Ford: I see. [Looks over at Liberty] Heel, Liberty. [Looking back at Nessen] Sit down and make yourself comfortable, Ron.
Ron Nessen: I am sitting, Mr. President.
Gerald Ford: Ah! Then you must be comfortable.
Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Thank you.
Gerald Ford: I’m pretty comfortable myself.
Ron Nessen: That’s good.
Gerald Ford: [Looks around the Oval Office] I just don’t see what’s so awful about this room, personally.
Ron Nessen: No, Sir, Oval. It’s the Oval Office, sir.
Gerald Ford: Ah!
Ron Nessen: Not awful, Oval, round.
Gerald Ford: [Starts to get up] Ron?
Ron Nessen: Right here, Sir.
Gerald Ford: [Sits back down] Ron, you’ve got to be here when I call you. [To Liberty] Roll over, Liberty. Good boy. [To Nessen] Now, Ron, tell me about these rumors that I’m gonna fire you. What is that all about?
Ron Nessen: Well, I have heard those rumors, Sir.
Gerald Ford: Are they true?
Ron Nessen: I don’t know, Sir. That will be your decision.
Gerald Ford: Well, I guess we’ll find out sooner or later then, won’t we?
Ron Nessen: Uh perhaps, Mr. President, I’d better brief you now on the press conference.
Gerald Ford: Oh, don’t be silly, Ron. You take your time.
Ron Nessen: Yes, thank you, Sir. Now, I don’t think this afternoon’s questions will be particularly difficult.
Gerald Ford: Any math, you think, Ron?
Ron Nessen: I don’t think so, Sir, no. They’ll probably want to ask you about the New Hampshire primary and reaction to the recent polls showing Reagan ahead.
Gerald Ford: Ah-ha. What would you suggest I say there?
Ron Nessen: Well, Sir, considering our feelings that Gallup and Harris don’t accurately reflect the truth, you might make a little joke about the polls.
Gerald Ford: Well now, Ron, I just don’t think we have to get ethnic here.
Ron Nessen: No, Sir, no. Skip that. As your press secretary, I have to be candid with you: You’re being misunderstood a great deal lately. I’ve, uh, I’ve decided to take action against some of the absurd notions in the press that you’ve been behaving in a physically awkward and clumsy manner. And in order to quash rumors that your physical actions are any different from any normal average person, I’ve devised a plan which I and couple of the Secret Service men will put into action. Call it, ah, Operation Stumblebum.
Gerald Ford: Now, let me get this straight, Ron. These men are in the service and they’re keeping it a secret from me?
Ron Nessen: [Stares at Ford for a moment] No, Sir. I’m taking about the fellows in the dark glasses and the suits that are always running beside your car.
Gerald Ford: Well, we’re going to have to put a stop to that, Ron.
Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir. Now, what we plan to do is this: Should you make any physical movements that can be construed as out of the ordinary, [Ford takes a pipe from his coat pocket and puts it in his mouth] we will take specific action to see to it that others will view them as normal everyday behavior. [Nessen takes a pipe from his own pocket, puts it in his mouth and imitates Ford as he mistakenly lights the bottom of the pipe]
Gerald Ford: Mm-hmm.
Ron Nessen: This is a perfect example, Sir.
Gerald Ford: Ah. You know, I can never get these things lit. [He almost puts the lit lighter back in his coat pocket, then starts to stand up] RON?!
Ron Nessen: Right here, Sir. Now, Mr. President, I want to prepare you for the conference so you can avoid any possible little accidents. [He imitates Ford dropping his pipe as he tries to put it back in his coat pocket] First of all, you’ll walk through the door of the Oval Office, making sure to open it first. You’ll go down the hallway to the press conference room. Now, the hallway will have a wall on either side, right and left. But by walking down the middle of the hall, you’ll be able to avoid hitting either side. There’s a carpet in the hallway, but it’s only a little bitty one, it’s about [holds up fingers at eye level] this far off the ground.
Gerald Ford: [Thinking Nessen means the carpet is about five feet off the ground, he stands up and mimics climbing over the carpet] Well, then, should I just attempt to scale it with a jump or…
Ron Nessen: No, Sir, I mean it’ll be at foot level. But I don’t want you to have any trouble with it. We’ve taken the lamps and the portraits out of the corridor. Uh, you may see a shadow or two of something on the floor, but don’t let ’em throw you. And there will be three steps just before the door to the conference room. Try to take them one at a time.
Gerald Ford: Well now, Ron, will these steps be going up or down?
Ron Nessen: Well, Sir, they’ll be going down on your way in and up on your way back. That will mean you will be either using your left foot twice and your right foot once going down, or your right foot once and your left foot twice (sic), depending on which foot you plan to start with.
Gerald Ford: And that’ll be totally my choice, Ron?
Ron Nessen: Yes, Sir, totally your own. Then you will simply move through the curtains of the conference room up to the podium, making sure to walk through the area where the curtains are separated from each other. Before I forget, one more thing: The press conference will be over when the senior member of the press says “Thank you, Mr. President.”
Gerald Ford: “Thank you, Mr. President.”
Ron Nessen: Yes.
Gerald Ford: [To Liberty] Gimme the ball, Liberty! [To Nessen] Come on in and sit down, Ron.
Ron Nessen: Ah, Sir, I’d better be getting to the press room now. I’ll see you there in a few moments. [He stands and exits]
Gerald Ford: [To Liberty] Bad dog! Lie down, Liberty. [Ford releases Liberty’s leash, causing the stuffed dog to fall over. Ford continues to fumble around as if looking for something]
[Dissolve to press room. Nessen is at a microphone-covered podium with the “Unofficial Seal of the United States of America” on the front]
Ron Nessen: All right, gentlemen, will you quiet down, please? May I have your attention, please? The president will be out in a moment. Before he arrives at the press conference, I have one or two things I’d like to say. First: I am angry. I’m angry because I consider it unconscionable that our president is incessantly maligned by several of you out there as being some sort of bungler. He is by far the most visible, accessible, open president we’ve ever had. Everyone, you and I alike, stumbles or trips once in a while. Just for the record, I’ve brought some photographs of well-known people that have not been shown in the press to show you that our president is not the only man who has this quality. [Uncovers doctored pictures mounted on an easel behind him, the first being Henry Kissinger bumping his head on an overhead school locker] The well-known Henry Kissinger locker incident, [Shows picture of Democratic Sentor Edmund Muskie slipping on a snow-covered path] a picture of Mr. Muskie that I don’t belive was covered in the press, [Shows picture of George McGovern falling on a snow-covered stoop] a touch of clumsiness on Mr. McGovern’s part, [Shows picture of Ronald Reagan sitting on a sidewalk] and of course, the Ronald Reagan sitting-in-the-street incident. Now, this all goes to show, that he’s not the only one to have these peculiar little things happen to him. Contrary to what you have been saying, our president is indeed graceful. He is, by far, the most athletic president within memory.
[Ford is suddenly heard crashing through the hallway as Nessen looks worried. Ford enters with two Secret Service men. Ford’s tie is crooked, and his jacket’s left sleeve is torn at the shoulder. Nessen tears the left sleeve of his own jacket, loosens his tie and clears his throat, signaling the Secret Service men to do the same.]
Gerald Ford: [Hands clipboard to Nessen] Uh, Ron, I believe you left this in my office.
Ron Nessen: Ah, thank you, Mr. President.
[Mistaking that for his cue to leave, Ford starts to exit. Nessen stops him and guides him back to the podium]
Ron Nessen: No, Sir, no. It’s when the senior member of the press corps says “Thank you, Mr. President.”
Gerald Ford: Ah! I’m sorry. [Begins to open folder] Shall we begin, gentlemen?
[Papers spill out of the folder onto the floor. Nessen and the Secret Service men cover for Ford by tossing more papers onto the floor]
Gerald Ford: No problem!
Ron Nessen: [as Ford scoops up the dropped papers] That’s all right, they’re easy to pick up. Thank you, Sir. That’s fine.
Voice of Reporter: Mr. President, Peter Aaron, Washington Gazette.
Gerald Ford: Yes, Mr. Aaron [Leans over to hear the reporter]
Voice of Reporter: Mr. President, what is your reaction to the recent allegations of CIA activities in Italy?
[Ford suddenly gets his sleeve caught on one of the microphones. The Secret Service men walk up and put their own hands in the microphones]
Gerald Ford: I got it. No problem here. This is–
Ron Nessen: It’s easy to get your hand caught in these.
Gerald Ford: Yes. [All free their hands from the microphones] All right. I’m sorry.
Ron Nessen: I think what the president is trying to say is…
[Ford suddenly leans forward and bangs his head on the podium]
Gerald Ford: Oop! No problem, no problem! [The Secret Service men bang their own heads against the podium while Nessen hits his head with his clipboard] Uh, I’d be hap…
[Ford slips and falls down, and the others follow suit]
Gerald Ford: [Hops up and holds arms out] Everything’s fine! Liberty! Liberty! Here, Liberty!
[The others join Ford as he walks around the stage calling for Liberty. “Hail To The Chief” plays as scene fades]
Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome to Presidential Foreplay. Our guest tonight is the latest in increasing number of women to claim to have had an affair with President Kennedy while he was in office. Her name is Linda Louise and shes here to tell us all about it. Welcome.
[Camera zooms to show Linda Louise show off for the camera.]
Linda Louise: Thank you, it is nice to be here.
Jane Curtin: Miss Louis, how did you met the President?
Linda Louise: Well, Im a very close personal friend of Bob Hope. I travelled with him on all the UFO tours.
Jane Curtin: Thats USO.
Linda Louise: Yes, after one of the tours, Bob took me to the White House and introduce me to the President and I became a frequent visitor.
Jane Curtin: Ah ha, just when did you cross the line from frequent visitor to actually becoming one of the Presidents lovers?
Linda Louise: Well, I got an invitation to a party and when I arrived, I notice I was the only one there.
Jane Curtin: Oh really?
Linda Louise: I remember the President was wearing a white leisure suit. White socks, kind of
Jane Curtin: [Cutting Linda off.] Yes Miss Louis, is that when you actually got to know the President?
Linda Louise: Yes ah, that when we, you know, right there in the Horizontal Office.
Jane Curtin: Thats Oval Office. Now weve all heard a lot about the nude midnight swims at the White House. Were you actually involved in any of them?
Linda Louise: I was involved in all of those.
Jane Curtin: Where was the First Lady during all of this?
Linda Louise: Well, she was on lecture tours or visiting a foreign country. But, usually she was just upstairs in her room heavily sedated.
Jane Curtin: Now, didnt any of this activity have any effect on the Presidents bad back?
Linda Louise: Well, he really didnt have a bad back.
Jane Curtin: Of course he did.
Linda Louise: No, he had a bad leg. It was terrible. He use to get these shooting pains and hed have to sit with it propped up in a chair.
Jane Curtin: It was always publicized how bad his back was.
Linda Louise: Well, I use to help him with his leg.
Jane Curtin: Well, in any event, Im sure that the tragedy had a tremendous effect on you. Considering how close you were.
Linda Louise: Yes, it was terrible, but life goes on and one gets over it.
Jane Curtin: Yes, I know.
Linda Louise: I still speak to him and see him every now and then.
Jane Curtin: [angrily] You what?
Linda Louise: Well, whenever Im out on the coast.
Jane Curtin: Miss Louise, I dont think thats a funny joke. I dont think you knew the President at all.
Linda Louise: Well, I happen to have a picture of the two of us together.
Jane Curtin: Oh, you do?
Linda Louise: Yes, Bebe took it, one night when we were all out together.
Jane Curtin: Miss Louis, you obviously have the wrong President.
Linda Louise: Well, whats the matter? Doesnt he count? I hated every minute of it. But he promised to introduce me to David Frost.
Jane Curtin: That concludes tonights program. Tune in next week for another edition of Presidential Foreplay
[ dissolve to audience member, with SUPER: “Sargent Shriver’s Brother-in-Law on His Sister’s Side” ]
Air Date:
Summary: Suicide operator (Chevy Chase) fails to save caller’s life and falls to the floor after stepping out of the room for a minute.
Summary: After admitting that he wasn’t the first choice to host this week’s show, a list of other people asked to host scrolls over Buck Henry’s speech.
Summary: Mr. Dantley (Henry) orders a sandwich from Futaba (John Belushi).
Summary: Jane Curtin interviews Linda Louise (Gilda Radner), the latest woman who claims to have had an affair with President John F. Kennedy while he was in office.
Summary: President Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) takes a meeting with one of his advisors (Buck Henry). To distract from his clumsy behavior during speeches, Secret Service agents will join him on his falls to the floor.
Bio: Bill Withers (1938-) pursued a musical career in 1967, after a nine-year stint in the Navy. He recorded demos while making toilet seats for the Boeing aircraft company.
Summary: Evelyn Woodski (Laraine Newman) can read fast, but not very well.
Summary: Midnight call leads Chevy Chase to Angola janitor at 6 AM. Chevy makes faces during Henry Zuckerman’s (Buck Henry) anti-masturbation editorial. Chevy repeats the top story for deceased viewers.
Summary: the oversized air freshener is perfect for covering old dinner smells in a woman’s (Gilda Radner) apartment.
Summary: In odd sequel, Mr. Thompson (Buck Henry) learns of Charles Foster Kane’s (Dan Aykroyd) other last words.
Summary: Scred and Peuta try to operate their new sex toy from Japan.
Summary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see.
Bio: Toni Basil’s primary occupation in the world of entertainment has been as a choreographer. She also formed the urban-style dance troupe, the Lockers, and made appearances in films like “Easy Rider.” Basil is best-remembered for her 80’s one-hit wonder, “Mickey.”
Summary: An auto machanic (Dan Aykroyd) tells his daughter (Gilda Radner) car-related bedtime stories.
Summary: A drug user (Chevy Chase) demonstrates why drugs are referred to as “dope” when he misuses a joint.
Buck Henry takes to the streets of Irvington, New York to find the town’s funniest person.
Summary: Blues Brothers Jake (John Belushi) & Elwood (Dan Aykroyd) perform “King Bee” with SNL Band.
Summary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) does an impression of Mike Douglas with needles in his eyes.
Summary: The gum good enough to be enjoyed by the deceased.
Summary: Fred (Buck Henry) feels uncomfortable when his neighbors joke about his constipation problem.
