Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Duelling Brandos

…..Peter Boyle
…..John Belushi

[ open on title card, with mirror images of Marlon Brando ]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Duelling Brandos.

[ dissolve to Brando #1 and Brando #2 staring into each other’s face as they mumble to one another ]

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “I coulda been a contender. I coulda been someone, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let’s face it, Charley.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “The Godfather” ] “I coulda been Senator Corleone; Governor Corleone. There wasn’t enough time, Michael.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “The Wild One” ] “She looked at me as if I was a bug!“

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “Don’t you remember that night in the Garden, when you came down to my dressing room and you said, “Kid, it ain’t your night. We’re going for the money on Wilson.” You remember? Not my night.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “So, what happens? He gets a shot at the title on the ballpark outdoors. I get a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “A Streetcar Named Desire” ] “So we got in this state, a Napoleonic code. So what’s that of the husband is that of the wife, visa versa.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: “What are you two, a couple of queens?”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “Julius Caesar” ] “Here lies Caesar! When will come another?!”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “Last Tango in Paris” ] “Get me the butter.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #2: [ from “Mutiny on the Bounty” ] “Aye aye, Captain Bligh. [ mumbles indistinguishably ]

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1: [ from “Guys and Dolls” ] “Luck be a lady tonight.”

[ the plucking sounds of “Dueling Banjos” ]

Brando #1 & Brando #2: [ from “On The Waterfront” ] “John Friendly, get out of there! Take away your heaters and your pistoleros, and you’re nothing! Maybe from where you’re standing, but from where I’m standing I relied on myself all these years! You’re nothing but a lousy, rotten, lousy, nothing – I’m glad what I done to you! You hear me?! I’m glad!“

[ they drop to their knees ]

Brando #1 & Brando #2: [ from “A Streetcar Named Desire” ] “Stellaaaaa!! Stellaaaaa!! Stellaaaaa!!”

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Peter Tomatz

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

The Corrida

Ricardo Montalban…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on actor Ricardo Montalban standing before a Corrida; sensual Spanish music plays in the background ]

Ricardo Montalban: As a Spaniard, I appreciate fine things. I love to feel the WIND and FIRE in my face! And when I choose a CAR… I choose a car with spirit! A car that would meet my evey need. The Corrrrrrida… is such a car!

[ Spanish guitars twang ]

Luxurious upholstery styled from rich salomander vinyl! Elogant doors crafted from rare Valencia cardboard! And a classic dashboard carved from plush Santiago styrofoam! And, yet, I constantly AMAZED at the affordibility of this magnificent automobile!

The Corrrrrrida! JUST as good a car… as I am an actor!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Garrett’s Valentine

…..Garrett Morris
…..Gilda Radner

[ Garret runs on stage to join Gilda Radner. He carries a large white card. ]

Garrett Morris: Uh, Gilda, uh —

Gilda Radner: Hi, Garrett!

Garrett Morris: Yeah. I thought I might as well give you this now, since it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s, uh —

Gilda Radner: A valentine’s for me?

Garrett Morris: Yeah.

Gilda Radner: Oh, Garrett! I feel terrible! I didn’t send you a valentine’s.

Garrett Morris: Oh, that’s alright. Some people don’t send cards, you know?

Gilda Radner: No. I do send cards, I – just didn’t send you one.

Garrett Morris: Oh, well, you know – you’re only human. It’s just an oversight, I can understand that, you know —

Gilda Radner: No, it wasn’t an oversight. I-I didn’t want to send you one, because I — Knowing you, I figured you’d get the wrong idea, you know? I mean, when I send valentine’s to men, uh.. I mean it as friendship. But, you know – you..

Garrett Morris: [ slightly taken aback ] Gil-daaa! You — Gilda, I’m capable of a platonic relationship! I mean, friendship – that’s what I’m talking about, you know? Oh, I’m hurt, Gilda.

Gilda Radner: [ rests her hand on his shoulder ] Oh, I’m sorry, Garrett —

Garrett Morris: [ opens the card ] Here, read the card. Come on, read the card! I wrote a poem on here, and everything.

Gilda Radner: For me, you did this?

Garrett Morris: Yeah! Right here.

Gilda Radner: No, you read it to me, Garrett. It’s beautiful. Read it to me.

Garrett Morris: Okay, okay, alright.. [ reads ] “To Gilda, on Valentine’s Day. I give this card to thee / To let you know how much you mean to me.”

Gilda Radner: Oh, that’s beautiful, Garrett.

Garrett Morris: “To me, you’re a rose, so lovely in bloom / I’d like to molest you, upstairs in my room.”

Gilda Radner: [ offended ] Garrett —

Garrett Morris: “You’ll be my slave, and bow to my whims / As I rub creams and jellies all over your limbs.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, I think that —

Garrett Morris: “I’ll show you fine lovin’, on that you can depend / You’ll be begging for mercy, that’s how I treat a friend.”

Gilda Radner: Garrett, that’s really beautiful.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I just wanted to set you straight, you know? Okay? Happy Valentine’s Day!

Gilda Radner: Okay, Happy Valentine’s Day.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Goodnights

…..Peter Boyle

[ Boyle stands alone at Home Base ]

Peter Boyle: We’re running a little late now. There’s a friend of mine that’s very dear to me, who’s flown all the way in from San Francisco, and I’d like to wish her a lot of luck, and say hello to her. [ raises his arm towards the audience ] Patty, will you stand up?

[ cut to the audience, where a Patty Hearst look-a-like, shackled with handcuffs, stands, smiles and waves to the audience ]

Peter Boyle V/O: Thank you!

[ cut back to Boyle on stage ]

Peter Boyle: Thanks, Patty. Well, that.. that’s our.. that’s our Valentine’s Day. It’s really, it’s really been wonderful what they — hi.

[ the cast of Saturday Night Live, Al Jarreau, and two of the Shapiro Sisters run up on stage to join Boyle ]

Happy Valentine’s Day.

The Cast: Happy Valentine’s Day! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Peter Boyle: Good night, Mom!

Al Jarreau: Good night, Susan!

Helena & Jenny Shapiro: [ looking offstage for their missing sister ] Emily!

[ John Belushi leans in for a kiss from both young ladies ]

[ Helena turns to Al Jarreau for help finding her sister, he smiles back at her ]

[ Chevy Chase, who has been standing in the rear of the group, ducks under everyone and pops his head between Helena and Jenny’s arms ]

Chevy Chase: Where’s Emily?

[ John Belushi pulls Gilda Radner in for a bear hug, dropping her to the floor ]

[ Chevy Chase glances around the studio with Helena and Jenny, as they finally spot Emily offstage and wave her towards them ]

Jenny Shapiro: Emily!

Chevy Chase: Emily!

Helena Shapiro: Emily!

Chevy Chase: Emily! Come here! Emily!

[ Emily rushes onto the stage to join her sisters in a tight bond with Chevy Chase, as he points her toward the camera ]

[ the closing music pots up, as Chevy Chase lifts Emily up on his shoulders and the credits begin to scroll over them ]

Don Pardo V/O: The Shapiro Sisters mimed Natalie Cole, soon on Capitol Records. This is Don Pardo – good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Peter Boyle’s Monologue

…..Peter Boyle

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Peter Boyle.

[ Boyle enters down the same stairs of the basement stage just used in the cold opening, which is still slightly littered. Boyle, who has a few small pieces of confetti clinging to his green sweater, approaches a stool and picks up the microphone resting on it ]

Peter Boyle: It wouldn’t be New York without a little garbage on the stage, right? Right. It’s terrific to be here. It’s terrific to be here – to be here, live. Uh.. I usually do movies, which are a very different kind of thing, and, uh.. when I was a kid, my father did television, I grew up in live TV, so it’s — wow.

It’s really incredible. I thought about doing a monologue, you know? It’s sort of a tradition, but..

[ Paul Shaffer passes in the background, and sits at a piano in the far right corner of the stage, and begins to tickle the ivories ]

Peter Boyle: Today is.. is Valentine’s Day. And that’s the day that means love, and romance, and, uh.. I’ve been working in show biz for a long time. Sometimes it can be a little glamorous; other times it can be, frankly, very lonely and very hard, and a little cold and empty. And, uh.. something wonderful happened to me. I met someone incredible, and.. I love her.. and she loves me. And, uh.. there’s a lot of giving, a lot of taking, a lot of sharing, and.. we’re on the same path together in life, we go through the ups and downs. I know this sounds a little sentimental, it’s just the most wonderful thing in the world. And, uh, she’s sitting right here. She’s sitting up there, I think I see her. Lorraine?

[ cut to Lorraine, Boyle’s real-life girlfriend and future wife, sitting among the applauding audience ]

Peter Boyle V/O: Hi. Hi, honey. I love you.

[ cut back to Boyle on the stage ]

Peter Boyle: So, since she’s there, and I’m here, and we’re all here, and it’s a day of love and warmth, I’d – I’d like to sing this song to her:

“My funny valentiiiine
Sweet comic valentiiiine
You make me smiiile with my heart.”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine in the audience suddenly puts his arm around her. She appears surprised, but doesn’t budge ]

Peter Boyle:
“Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you’re my faaaaavorite work of art.”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine begins to kiss her. She resists at first, but quickly gives in. ]

Peter Boyle:
“Is your figure less than greek?
Is your mouth a little weak?
When you open it to speak, are you smaaaaaaaart?”

[ the man sitting next to Lorraine is now furiously making out with her, as he climbs onto her seat to the amusement of another man sitting in the same row ]

Peter Boyle:
“But don’t change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay, little valentiiine, staayyyyyyy.”

[ the man and Lorraine stand together and rush to exit the studio for a tryst away from Boyle ]

Peter Boyle:
“Each day is Valentine’s Dayyyyyyyyy.”

I love you, honey. I really do.

[ Lorraine’s seat is empty, as is the man’s seat next to her ]

Peter Boyle: Thank you! Thank you.

[ the audience applauds, as the camera zomms out and fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Al Jarreau performs “We Got By”

…..Peter Boyle
…..Al Jarreau

Peter Boyle: This is a very pleasurable occasion for me, to be able to introduce the following gentleman. He’s a friend, and a wonderful singer. Here’s a valentine for your ears – Al Jarreau!

[ Boyle steps away, as a flattered Jarreau approaches the microphone ]

Al Jarreau:
“I hardly had a bellyful
Never knew a new bicycle
Hand-me-down books and shoes
They brought the yule tides in July.

I rode a bus, a train and sometimes
Strolling for miles to a movie show
Singing a song – “Shoobedoo”
While birds and rich folks flew
right on by.

But we got by
We got by, yes
Lord knows we got by.

Winter wishes wait ’til June
We brightened July with that hot dog fun
Tell your mama you’re with Sue, baby
You’ll bring the beans, girl, and I’ll find the wine
And them neon lights were bright ’til 2:00
And sneaking back home with this girl named Jo
We hurried down to say “I do.”
And I stared my first man-child in the eye.

But we got by
We got by, yeah, yes
Lord knows we got by.

And sometimes I miss singing
Doo doo doo doo..

And now baby’s got his bellyful
And finally here’s that new bicycle
Working, praying, June to June
And mama’s got L.A. gleaming in her eye.

Oh, and we got by
We got by, yeah, let me tell you
We got by
Lord knows we got by.

You see, we kept on walking and talking and hawking
And ooing, and cooing, and wooing
Loving, and tugging, and hugging
And rubbing, and sugging and fugging
Laying, and praying, and swaying
And Letting, and fretting, begetting
And lying, and flying, and trying, and sighing, and dying.”

[ scat to finish ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Al Jarreau performs “Somebody’s Watching You”

…..Garrett Morris
…..Al Jarreau

[ Garrett Morris stands with Gilda Radner ]

Garrett Morris: Everybody – here’s Al Jarreau!

[ Garrett and Gilda embrace one another, as we dissolve to Al Jarreau and his band ]

Al Jarreau:
[ scatting ]
“Just a little bit funky down.

Pretty, pretty, pretty as a picture
Witty, witty, witty as you can be
Blind, ’cause your eyes see only glitter
Closed to the things that make you free.

Have you ever thought about a downfall
Girl, it happens at the end of every line
And just when you think you pulled a fast one
It happens to the foolish all the time.

Whoa, somebody watching you, yeah yeah
Somebody watching you, my goodness
Somebody watching you
Somebody’s watching you.

Games are to be played with toys, et cetera
Love is to be made when you’re for real
Ups and downs are caused by life in general
Some are yours no matter how you feel.

Shady as a lady in a moustache
Feelings camouflaged by groans and grins
Secrets have a special way about them
Moving to and fro among your friends.

Whoa, somebody, somewhere, watching you, girl
Somebody watching you
Somebody watching you
Somebody watching you.

[ scatting ]

So, live it up today, if you want to
Live it down tomorrow afternoon
Sunday school don’t make you cool forever
Neither does the silver of your spoon.

The nicer the nice, the higher the price
Well, this is what you pay for what you need
The higher the price, the nicer the nice
Jealous people love to see you bleed.

Whoa, somebody, somewhere, got their eyes on you
Somebody watching you
Somebody watching you, girl
Somebody watching you.

Well, I got my eyes on you whatever you do
I got my eyes on you whatever you do.

Now, when you’re walking to your car
You’re going near and far
When you’re going upstairs
You’re floating in the air
‘Cause you’re smoking that grass
Think you gonna pass.

[ scatting ]

Somebody watching you, girl
I got my eyes on you, I do
Gonna watch you, girl.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Remembrances of Things Past

…..Jane Curtin
Mr. X…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to Jane Curtin on talk show set ]

Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome. We’re proud to present an historic moment tonight. with us is an distinguished ex-statesman. And because of previous network and legal agreements, we’re forced to withhold his true identity. Welcome to our show — Mr. X.

[ reveal Mr. X, wearing a rubber face mask ]

Mr. X: [ obviously Richard Nixon in a poor disguise ] I’m, uh — I’m very happy to be hear tonight.

Jane Curtin: I understand you have a very important message for us.

Mr. X: Uhh — well, as everyone knows… I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, uh, to take long walks on the beach. Ohhhh — I let my hair grow, for a bit. Read some Herman Hesse.

Jane Curtin: And, tell me, where did all this introspection take you?

Mr. X: Oh, well, one afternoon, I… I looked down at the sand under my feet, and I realized that each grain has its moment in the sun. And then, that freedom’s just another word for “nothing left to lose.” Annnnnd… I left out a large karmic debt.

Jane Curtin: [ confused ] Uh, what?

Mr. X: My karmic debt. You know — karma. Karma! The Indian concept of every action in its lifetime produces an energy which is either positive or negative.

Jane Curtin: Would you give us an example of karma?

Mr. X: Uhhhh — well, let me say this: It’s — it’s — it’s certainly no accident that Bob Haldemann can’t grow a decent beard.

Jane Curtin: [ laughing ] I understand, though, that you have some dramatic new plans?

Mr. X: Uhhhh, yes, Jane. I’m, uh, I’m moving to Red China.

Jane Curtin: Red China?

Mr. X: Yes. The China of Confucius. The China of Lao Tzu. You know, the one with the wall.

Jane Curtin: Yes… Yes, I know. Uh, what exactly do you plan to do there?

Mr. X: I’m going to live the life of an ordinary monk.

Jane Curtin: So this means that you’ll cut off all ties with the past?

Mr. X: Uhhhh, no. I’ll keep my turkey ranch in Salvast. I have an interest in Donald’s Used Car Lot in Anaheim — uh, that is, that is Ronald’s Used Marina in Oxnard.

Jane Curtin: And you’ll give up everything else?

Mr. X: Yes, I’m — I’m turning San Clemente into an hashran for my surfing friends, a place where they can come and Hang Ten in peace.

Jane Curtin: That’s — that’s absolutely marvelous. You know, I’m delighted that we had this opportunity to speak.

Mr. X: My pleasure, Jane. And I’ll send peace and love to all people — Hare Krishna, Hare Lama. [ he begins to chant ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you very much! This is Jane Curtin with “Remembrances of Things Past”. We’ll be right back after this filmed message.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Household Orgy

Husband…..Peter Boyle
Wife…..Jane Curtin
Janitor-in-the-Fridge…..John Belushi
Doorman-in-the-Closet…..Dan Aykroyd
Mailman…..Chevy Chase
Trixie…..Gilda Radner
Milkman-in-the-Bedroom…..Garrett Morris
Lady-in-the-House-Next-Door…..Laraine Newman

[ open on the foyer of an interior suburban home ]

[ voices of a man and woman having an affair can be heard offscreen, as her Husband enters the front door; the voices trail off as he looks about ]

Husband: Hi, honey?

[ he enters the kitchen to find his wife waiting by the sink ]

Wife: Ohhhhh, hi, honey! You’re home early! What a surprise! [ she kisses him ]

Husband: What are you doing the housework for?

Wife: It’s Trixie’s day off — remember?

Husband: Oh, I thought Thursday was Trixie’s day off?

Wife: No.

Husband: Oh say, honey, I really coulda sworn I heard a man’s voice in here.

Wife: Oh. Why, that’s IMPOSSIBLE! I’m here all by my lonesome! [ she chuckles nervously ]

Husband: Well… I guess I must have imagined it. I think I’ll have me a cold beer. [ he heads to the fridge, as his wife follows nervously ] Boy, what a day!

[ he opens the fridge, as music pots up and a strange man pops out holding a bottle of beer ]

Husband: Oh, who’s this?!

Janitor-in-the-Fridge: Hello! How you doing?

Wife: Why, silly, that’s no “this”! That’s new Janitor-in-the-Fridge!

Husband: Well, what’s that?!

Wife: New Janitor-in-the-Fridge makes your refrigerator self-cleaning! Keeps shelfs and drawers gleaning and odor-free, kills household germs, shines all fridge surfaces with no rubbing, no scrubbing, no rinsing, no wiping! food stays fresher longer, and so do I!

[ the strange man wipes the inside of the fridge with a spong as she embellishes ]

Husband: [ chuckling happily ] Hey, honey, that’s great! I, uh, guess that explains the… whatever there is to explain! Anyway — here, take that, will you, honey. [ he hands her his beer, then heads for the coat closet ] Oh, boy.

[ he opens the closet, as music pots up and a second strange man pops out holding up a hanger ]

Husband: Hey, what’s THIS?! What is this?!

Wife: [ chuckling nervously ] Honey, that’s no “this”! That’s new Doorman-in-the-Closet!

Husband: [ as he removes his jacket ] What’s that?

Wife: New Doorman-in-the-Closet is the ULTIMATE closet aid! Meets and greets your clothes, takes messages for your hats, phones up to tell your galoshes your raincoat’s here! Oh, yes — new Doorman-in-the-Closet really makes your closet well hung!

[ the man closes the closet door ]

Husband: Hey, honey, that’s — that’s great. That’s great. [ he grabs his beer ] Oh, boy. You know what I need right now?

Wife: What?

Husband: Do we have any more of those pretzels? Boy, I could go for a pretzel.

[ he opens the pantry door, as music pots up and a mailman is revealed making out with Trixie ]

Husband: HEYYY!! WHAT’S THIS?!! Didn’t you say today was Trixie’s day off?!

Wife: [ laughing ] Silly, that’s not Trixie! That’s new Mailman-and-the-Maid!

Husband: What?! What’s that?!

[ the Mailman hands over his mail as Trixie prances ]

Wife: New Mailman-and-the-Maid is like two products rolled up into one! It brings your mail… and gives your floors the hardest wax shine! Fights insufficient postage and household odors! Removes stubborn, greasy grime, and brings your birthday cards! Deodorizes thank-you notes, wedding invitations, and chain letters! And returns your blender to Sender!

Husband: Uh — alright, honey. I guess it’s great — I guess it’s great. [ he closes the pantry door ] Boy. Whoo! Some day, I’ll tell ya’, what they won’t think of next! Look — I’m gonna take these pretzels and that beer, and hit the ol’ bed and look at a little TV.

[ he heads off-camera into the bedroom ]

Wife: [ chasing after him ] Oh! Dear! Dear!

[ he keeps going, until: ]

Husband: Hey! Hey, who are you?!

Wife: [ laughing ] Honey, that’s no you! That’s new Milkman-in-the-Bedroom!

Husband: [ returning ] WELL, WHAT’S THAT?!

Wife: New Milkman-in-the-Bedroom really delivers! Fresh, cold nighttables! Delicious, nutritious bureaus! Pillows loaded with vitamins and minerals! Vanities rich in calcium, ’cause you never outgrow your need for furniture! [ she chuckles ] It’s a real life saver!

Husband: Okay, honey — that’s, uh — that’s great. Real great.

[ Milkman-in-the-Bedroom slinks Wife into the bedroom, as the others slip one-by-one into the other room to join them for a wild orgy ]

[ the Husband shakes his head in disbelief as the doorbell rings ]

[ he opens the door to reveal a sexy woman in a silk negligee holding a martini glass and long cigarette ]

Lady-in-the-House-Next-Door: Hey! What’s this?!

Wife: It’s new Lady-in-the-House-Next-Door! Has life got you down lately? [ he nods yes ] Well, new Lady-in-the-House-Next-Door can help get you up again! It’s fast, and it’s easy!

[ she chews the olive from her martini and turns around to return to her house ]

[ Husband follows and slams the door behin him ]

[ pan out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Don Pardo’s Secret Speech Impediment Revealed” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Godfather Group Therapy
..written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Therapist…..Elliot Gould
Vito corleone…..John Belushi
Sherry…..Laraine Newman
Garrett…..Garrett Morris
Michael…..Michael O’Donoghue

[ open on Group Therapy meeting in Therapist’s Office ]

Therapist: Okay, okay.. before we begin, I’d like to say that because of a personal committment, Group will begin at eight o’clock instead of seven next Tuesday, if that’s alright. [ Group nods ] Now, when we left off in our session last week, Vito was telling us his feelings toward the Tattaglia Family. Vito?

Vito Corleone: Well, the Tattaglia Family is causing me deep personal grief. Also, things are not going so well at my olive oil company.

[ Sherry raises hand ]

Therapist: Sherry?

Sherry: Vito, I think you are blocking.

Therapist: Vito?

Vito Corleone: Blocking what?

Therapist: Sherry?

Sherry: Your true feelings about the Tattaglia Family.

Therapist: Vito? Do you want to respond?

Vito Corleone: Alright. The Tattaglia Family is moving in on my territory. They’ve taken over numbers, prostitution, and restaurant linen supply, and now they want to bring in drugs. Also, they just shot my son, Santino, fifty-six times.

Therapist: Ah! Now we are getting somewhere. What do you think about this?

Vito Corleone: Drugs, I am against.

[ Sherry raises hand ]

Therapist: Sherry?

Sherry: You’re still blocking your real feelings, Vito. What about everything else?

Therapist: Vito?

Vito Corleone: Well, the restaurant linen supply was never a big money-maker..

Sherry: You’re hurting, Vito, and you’re covering up.

Vito Corleone: Alright, alright, you’re right. It is hurting me. Numbers alone, I’m losing fifteen to twenty grand a week.

Therapist: Vito, you’re still blocking. How do you feel about them shooting Santino fifty-six times?

Vito Corleone: Terrible. We had to go to the mattresses. Tessio sleeps with the fishes. Johnny is through in Hollywood. They blew up Michael’s wife and a lovely car. The Tattaglias, Barzinis, and Boyardees all have contracts out on me, the Feds are watching me, Kefauver is investigating me, and the ASPCA is after me over this horse thing.

Garrett: Evading. Vito’s evading.

Sherry: Blocking.

Michael: Feel it. Feel it, Vito.

Therapist: Settle down. Vito will tell us what he’s feeling when he’s ready. Vito? Ready, Vito?

Vito Corleone: [ head in his hands ] I could have been Senator Corleone, Governor Corleone.. but there wasn’t enough time..

Therapist: Vito, this is getting us nowhere. I want you to try to act out your feelings for the Tattaglia Family non-verbally.

Vito Corleone: Do I have to?

Sherry: Vito, we’re with you. We’re on your side. We know where you’re coming from.

[ everyone encourages Vito; he gets up, does orange peel mime, has heart attack and dies. No one reacts. ]

Therapist: Sherry? How do you feel about what Vito just went through?

Sherry: Oh, you know, different strokes for different folks is what I always say. I mean, through my work as a stewardess I have rully learned to understand other people and their problems. Like my friends kept bugging me, kept asking me, “God, Sherry, why do you want to be a stewardess?” And I ralzied that it’s ’cause I love people, I rully do. I love to serve them and help them try to fall asleep sitting up. And, like I had to get outta the Valley, I’m not kidding, man. It was rully getting hairy. But I knew I had a bitchin’ bod and a good personality.

Garrett: You’re blocking, Sherry.

Sherry: So, I just took off, man, and I did a summer blonde commercial, and then I went to stewardess school.. and since then I can’t believe how much I’ve grown, emotionally, I mean. Like when I went back to the Valley a coupla weeks ago, everyone seemed so immature. And Brad, that’s my old boyfriend, found out I was back. So, real late at night, he drove past my window in his Vega and laid a patch. And I thought: “Some people!” You know, Norman Miller was right, “You can’t go home.”

Therapist: Okay. Before I forget, because of a personal committment, Group will begin at nine o’clock next Tuesday instead of seven, if that’s alright?

[ everyone nods in agreement, then leave the therapy session, Vito still lying on the floor dead ]

[ fade out ]

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