Category: 1975

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dance to the Nation

Announcer…..Chevy Chase
Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin

[ open on apron of Home Base, with title card on screen, a flautist and pianist on either side ]

Announcer: Time, once again, for “Dance to the Nation”, the dance/advice show starring the First Lady herself. And now, here’s Betty!

[ Betty Ford runs onstage in leotards and waving a silk scarf as she dances ]

Announcer: Our first letter is from a Mrs. Arnold Wilson of South Philadelphia. Mrs. Wilson writes: “Dear Betty: My son, Arnold, Jr., is always tired and can’t seem to do his homework. Also, his room is usually full of different expensive stereo systems and TV sets, he claims he is just “keeping for a friend.” Do you think he’s smoking marijuana, Betty?”

[ Betty stops dancing ]

Betty Ford: Well, I wouldn’t be surprised! Times have changed, you know, and young people have changed with them. [ she does a spin ] Even as we stand still! Leave him alone, and chances are he’ll grow out of it. Now that my son Jack has realized pot isn’t for him, we’re closer than ever. Why, just the other night, I found myself in the White House kitchen at two o’clock in the morning, baking chocolate chip cookies because Jack said he had a case of the “Munchies”! Isn’t that cute!

[ Betty continues her dance ]

Announcer: [ chuckling ] Mrs. Eileen Crosby of Garden City, New Mexico writes: “Dear First Lady Betty: I recently discovered that my daughter’s roommate is a married man, and that the college she has been attending for three years is a school for topless croupiers. What would you do if you were in my shoes, Betty?”

[ Betty stops dancing ]

Betty Ford: Well, I wouldn’t be surprised! And yet, perhaps you have misunderstood the situation. I know I was concerned after calling Susan late at night and not getting any answer. But she explained my fears away when she told me about the long showers she likes to take at three or four in the morning! And now we’re closer than ever!

[ Betty continues her dance ]

Announcer: Our next letter is from a Mrs. Janice Hirsch of New York City. She writes: “Dear Betty: My husband, despite his high office, is an inept man. I have tried for years to pretend otherwise, but now he’s embarrassed me in public once too often. I have to face the facts, Betty, that I am married to a turkey. What would you say if a woman you knew personally were in this situation?”

[ Betty stops dancing and stares blankly]

Announcer: Betty?

[ Betty awkwardly begins dancing once more, still staring blankly ]

Announcer: Betty, the question? Do you care to answer the question, Betty?

Betty Ford: [ glancing offstage ] What’s that, Susan? He’s got his toes stuck in the tub again? Oh, it’s stuck in the sink. I’ll be right there!

Announcer: Betty, what is your answer to the question? Betty?

[ Betty rushes offstage ]

Announcer: Uh… we’ll be back next week for “Dance to the Nation”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Goodnights

…Dick Cavett

[Dick is standing on home base alone]

Dick Cavett: You don’t see acts like that last one on the Family Hour, you’ll admit that. This show is a lot of fun to work- by the way, I want to thank everybody- It will be on next on Valentine’sweekend, that- that Saturday, and if our show was not seen in yourcity tonight, please write, and let us know what you thought of it. [bemused smirk, as if waiting for the audience to get the joke]. Night. [Turns around to walk upstage, starts to take off suit jacketagressively as if annoyed as closing theme begins to play. No creditsroll- all that shows is the Delta Airlines and Brooks Van Horncredits]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Alcohol and Firearms Don’t Mix

Anne…..Jane Curtin
Michael…..Chevy Chase
Duke…..John Belushi
Patty…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Anne talking on the telephone and leaning over an intable.]

Anne: I couldn’t be happier, Margie. He’s too good to be true! He’s, he’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s rich, exciting… Definitely the best thing that’s happened to me since George died. I’m not gonna lose him, either. I’m reading this book called “The Total Woman.” Oh, yeah, he is a bit clumsy, but let’s face it, an old broad like me with two kids can’t be too choosy. Heh. No, no, the kids haven’t met him yet. They will later, though. He’s out duck hunting, he said he’d drop by afterwards. Oh, Marge, I like a man who hunts ducks.

[laughter]

Anne: [grins] Yeah. He said he was coming by because he said he had something very important to say to me. Yeah, I–Marge, I think he may even pop the question.

[doorbell rings]

Anne: [quickly] Oh, wait a minute, that might be him now, I’ll talk to you later, bye.

[She hangs up and turns toward the door.]

Anne: Coming!

[As she rushes to the door, a loud report is heard from offstage. She pauses an instant, then opens the door to reveal Michael in red plaid and khaki hunting gear, a rifle in his hand.]

Anne: [happily] Hi, Michael!

Michael: Hi, Anne, how are ya?

Anne: I just made some martinis just the way you like them!

Michael: Oh, great.

Anne: Did I just hear a shot?

Michael: Yeah, it’s a funny thing. I was walking up the driveway, and my gun kind of went off accidentally, and I shot a rabbit! [laughs] He was digging up your garden.

[Anne peers out through the front door and then turns back while Michael walks in and sits down.]

Anne: Uh… Michael?

Michael: Yeah?

Anne: [dryly] Um, that wasn’t a rabbit… that, that was Skippy, my dog.

[laughter]

Michael: Oh, Anne, I’m terribly sorry, I–

Anne: [rushes to him] No problem, Michael, no problem, he… was getting old anyway.

Michael: You sure?

Anne: My God, in dog age, he was close to seven. [eagerly] Sit down, Michael! [pushes him into easy chair] Ah, I forgot to ask, how did duck hunting go?

Michael: Oh, well, it’s not really duck hunting, it’s, uh, well, it’s kind of deer hunting, even though I didn’t shoot a thing. I am getting better.

[His gun suddenly goes off, and the windowpane in the front door shatters with a jagged hole in the center.]

Michael: [stands up] Oh, Anne, I’m very sorry, uh–

Anne: No problem, these things happen, it was, uh, getting dirty anyway. [smiles]

Michael: I can’t believe, uh–

Anne: Y’know, Michael, I’m reading this book, called “The Total Woman.”

Michael: Yes.

Anne: It really makes a lot of sense. It says that, well, uh… A woman’s man comes first, he… he’s the most important thing in her life.

[The door suddenly jangles and opens as Anne’s son Duke walks in.]

Anne: Oh, hi, Duke, you’re home from school early!

Duke: Yeah, we had half a day.

Anne: Oh!

Michael: Hello, son. [extends his hand] How are you?

Duke: Hi. [shakes Michael’s hand]

Anne: Duke, why don’t you go upstairs and wash up, and then come down, and we’ll all get acquainted.

Duke: Sure. Say, what’s wrong with Skippy? He looks sick.

[laughter]

Anne: No, no, Duke, he’s tired, he’s sleeping.

Duke: Oh, that’s strange. The mailman’s lying in the lawn.

[laughter]

Duke: He must be sleeping too.

[Duke cheerfully heads up the stairs.]

Michael: Bright young boy.

Anne: I don’t like to talk about death in front of the children, it upsets them.

Michael: I can understand–

Anne: They still think my late husband is at the polls. Voting for Lyndon Johnson.

[laughter]

Michael: Y’know, I had no idea you’d been widowed that long?

Anne: [dreamily] Yes, the Lord took George away from me in 1964. It’s been twelve years. Twelve lonely years. But that’s all over now, isn’t it, Michael?

Michael: [pulls her close] Yes, it is, Anne.

Anne: I’m so happy.

[She presses her face passionately against his chest for a moment, then skips over to the foot of the stairs.]

Anne: DUKE?! Duke, come down, I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about!

Duke: Sure.

[Duke obediently clambers downstairs while Michael cleans his rifle off to the side.]

Duke: Hi, Mike.

Michael: Hey, Duke, how ya doin’?

[Just when Duke reaches the landing, Michael points the gun straight at his chest, and a shot rings out. Duke crumples to the living room floor. A chair spins slightly as he lands. Anne and Michael watch in disbelief for moment.]

Michael: [horrified] Oh. Oh, my Lord, I–

[Anne rushes up and stop Michael in mid-stride.]

Anne: [passionately] No problem!

[laughter]

Michael: Anne… that was your son!

Anne: That’s right–it was my son. But we can’t live in the past, now, can we? We must live for today and… tomorrow. Our tomorrow. [slowly pushes him into chair] Right, Michael?

Michael: [sits down with her on his lap] Yeah, I guess so. You’re so understanding, I…

Anne: Well, I try not to be bothered by trivialities, and you should too. I can help you relax. Like it says in the book, “The Total Woman.” There’s an entire chapter on whipped cream.

Voice: [off camera] Mommy, am I crazy, or did I just hear shots?

Michael: [casually] Say, who is that?

[CUT to Patty walking down the stairs in a robe and drying her hair.]

Patty: I was in the shower, I could’ve sworn I–

[Michael lifts up his rifle reflexively and fires another perfect shot.]

Patty: Uhhhhhhh… [drops to the floor]

Anne: [closing her eyes] My late daughter.

Michael: [stands up] Oh. I, I am, now, am very sorry…

Anne: [grabs his arms] No problem, Michael, no problem. Look, Patty was young, but those were nineteen fruitful years.

Michael: Yes, but…

Anne: She even went to Europe last summer!

Michael: Well… [walks away in stunned disbelief]

Anne: Getting back to the book, Michael… you know, it says… It says that a woman should help her man feel less uptight–he should be catered to when he comes home. [pushes him gently down into the easy chair] Don’t you agree?

[Michael sighs and takes her hand.]

Michael: I guess I do, Anne. Listen, um… Well, now that we’re alone, as it were… [glances in Duke’s direction] Well, there’s something I, there’s something I wanted to ask you.

Anne: [with baited breath] Really?

Michael: [nervously] Yeah. Um… I’ve never asked anybody this before, I’m kind of nervous–

Anne: Take your time.

Michael: Anne… will… [sighs] Uhhh. I’m so old-fashioned. Look, look… [stands up] You sit here.

Anne: Okay.

Michael: I guess… I just wanna do it the right way.

[He drops to one knee as she sits in the chair.]

Michael: Look–

[His rifle goes off and shoots Anne point-blank in the right lung. Anne grimaces and glances down.]

Michael: Anne? Anne. Are you all right?

Anne: No problem, just hurry up, what was it that you wanted to ask? [stifles a laugh]

Michael: You sure you’re all right–

Anne: I’m fine, Michael.

Michael: Oh. Um… [snickers] You look nervous too–I’m so nervous, you know. Uh, uh. Y’know, I could really use that martini now, I’ll tell ya.

Anne: Now?

Michael: Yeah, it’d probably help me pop the– well! [gestures awkwardly]

[Anne nods obediently and struggles to rise from her chair, leaning on Michael for support.]

Michael: Y’know, as I was saying, I… well, we’ve known each other for a little while now, Anne, and, uh…

[She lurches toward the intable for his drink and manages to serve it neatly to him.]

Michael: Oooooh, did you think I could have a twist? Just a little drier.

[Anne reaches stiffly for an olive and plops it into his martini.]

Michael: We’ve known each other for, I guess, a few, months–

Anne: Is that okay?

Michael: That’s fine, that’s perfect. No problem.

[Anne finally collapses at his feet. After regarding her for a moment, Michael stands up and sets the rifle back at his hip. CUT to a closeup of Michael with his martini in the other hand.]

Michael: [in a spokeman’s voice] This message has been brought to you by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

[SUPERIMPOSE “A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE” at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael: Hello. You know… a gun is only as dangerous as the man who uses it. [doffs his hunting cap] Bullets and alcohol don’t mix. [confused] Or is it bullets and tobacco? No, wait… [puts cap back on] If you don’t drink, don’t shoot. [confidently] Don’t smoke while you’re loading your gun!

[Struggling to remember his tagline, he sets the down the gun pointing up at him, and it promptly fires once more.]

Michael: Oh, boy.

[FADE to a slide reading, “Presented by THE PRESIDENT’S COUNCIL FOR CLEAR THINKING.” FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

The Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation

…Dick Cavett

[open on office, Dick is sitting on the desk]

Dick Cavett: [on intercom] Uh, tell them I’ll only be a moment, Miss Carson. [acknowledges camera] Oh, hello, I’m Dick Cavett, and youknow, America has over 104 billion square feet of swamplands andeverglads. Much of it is uncivilized; all of it is wet. That’s whythe trained hydroplane operator has a solid employment future. Today,the best courses in hydroplane and hovercraft operation are beingoffered by the Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation. [dissolvebriefly to doctored photo of a man driving a boat with an older femalepassenger. Dick’s head is crudely pasted onto the boat driver’s head] In three short weeks you will learn all the skills of this excitingfield at our 58 acre training swamp near Beaumont, Texas, or you cankeep your present job and learn at home. Call this toll-free numbernow [“311-555-7878” flashes on screen for a few seconds],311-555-7878, and we’ll send you my informative booklet, The AmericanPresidency and Hovercraft Speed Tuning.

Remember, when you take the stick, take it from Dick.

[applause and laughter: dissolve to audience shot; the camera zooms ona young woman wearing a hat and glasses. SUPER: “NOT WEARING PANTS”].

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dick Cavett’s Monologue

…Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett: Thank you very much. Thank you. That’svery kind. Thank you. Welcome to Saturday Night. Myname is Candice Bergen … and I think either they’vecut my hair off in my sleep or you have the wrong cuecard up there. That’s it. My name is Dick Cavett.There you are. I tried memorizing that all day and I[snaps his fingers] just couldn’t get it. The rest ofthe show is off the top of our heads. As you know,this is a live show and that’s very exciting, uh, youknow, there really aren’t any shows that are “livelive” any more like this on television. If the camerasgo out, they go out. That’s it. It becomes a liveradio show. And if the cameras AND the mikes go out,we go door-to-door and do the show for you.

I love being in this building at NBC. I had one of theworst frustrations of my life in this building. Freshfrom college, I came here to 30 Rock, went and appliedto be a page at NBC. That was my great ambition. Iwas– College, Nebraska, right to New York. Filled outthe long form and they rejected me. Uh, I really blewit. At the end of the form, where it said, “Do youadvocate the overthrow of the United States governmentby force or violence?” — I chose violence. [delayedapplause] That was it.

I didn’t feel so bad because my dumb cousin Norman wasrejected, too. Uh, he – he’s very dumb. He lostanother job recently. He was director of the St. LouisZoo. And he took down all the cages and tried to runit on the honor system. Hard to believe but there youare.

Uh, if I could be serious for a moment, I had a very,I guess, great honor today. I received a letterinviting me to run for the Democratic presidentialnomination and, uh … [applause] Thank you. Thankyou. Unfortunately, it was a chain letter. … They’regonna have to have a separate convention hall for thecandidates there. It’s absurd.

I, uh, I’m a little disillusioned with politics. I’mthat generation. I – I heard my parents say as a kidalways, “In times of crisis, history will throw up agreat man.” And … in recent years, history’s had atendency to throw up, as you’ve noticed, and leave itat that.

Say, we’re a little annoyed tonight. The cast, if theyseem a little down, it’s the censor. Um, the NBCcensor’s been very liberal but he knocked out oursketch in which two robbers try to hold up a spermbank. Now, I figure, we’re all mature. We know thereare such things as sperm banks, right? Um, there’s onein New York, in fact. They’re very much like a realbank. The only difference is that with a sperm bank,after you make a deposit, you lose interest.[applause] But–

Say, Jimmy Cliff is here. [applause] I’m sorry, incase you’re in for a diappointment, I should say, wethink he will be here. Um, as you know, he makes hishome in Jamaica and, um, there has been a flood in theJamaica-Queens subway tunnel. But– No, he’s here. I’mkidding. Would I say that to you? He’s a– As youknow, he’s one of the world’s great reggae singers.Reggae is a Latin American word meaning “rich.”[nobody laughs, Cavett starts ad-libbing] Um, he’smade an awful lot of money and, uh– I don’t really–Does anyone have any idea what “reggae” means? Hands?Anyone know? Anything at all? Does anyone have aquestion?

Anyway, Jimmy is here and there’s a surprise for melater. I know a little about it. They don’t want me toknow too much about it. And I would like to say oneword– why I wanted to do this show. Often, ontelevision, I’ve been accused of doing things that are… above the intelligence level of the mass audience.And I don’t really buy that. Uh, I kind o’ resentthat. Just because I went to college, you know, theysay you’re an intellectual. As you know, going tocollege doesn’t make you an intellectual. Um…[applause]

I feel that, uh… I feel that humor, like theuniverse, is conditioned by a – a kind of — Well,it’s a byproduct of your own Weltanschauung, I feel,and what it is, really, is a, I think, a randomlysequentialized system of only partially overlappingsynergistics and energy events that are, really,irreducibly unanalyzable. And an example, to me, ofover-intellectualized humor would be, for example,Laroche Foucault’s famous remark with which he brokeup the French Academy when he said, uh, when he said:[Cavett rattles off something in French] Now, to me,that’s a bomb! See, you didn’t laugh. I don’t thinkit’s funny. And I’m gonna confess to you that my realsense of humor is a little lower-brow than that. WhatI think is funny– I loved it when, well, like SpikeJones or somebody when they’d shoot a gun off and adead duck would come down or something like that.[pulls a pistol from his belt] This is my idea ofwhat’s really funny. Watch this.

[Cavett unconvincingly fires the pistol into the airand a life-sized, stuffed canvas cow crashes down fromthe rafters onto the stage behind him. Laughter andapplause.]

It’s the old cow-dropping bit. It just kills me. We’llbe right back after this message. Stay with us.

[Cavett basks in the applause as a superimposed textreads: COMING UP NEXT… TOP MAFIA LEADERS REVEAL THEDO’S AND DON’TS OF LARGE LUNCHEONS.]

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Our Town

Stage Manager…Dick Cavett

[fade from black onto spartan backstage set with standing lamp and aladder. A solo flute plays, SUPER: “Our Town”]

[Stage Manager enters, and stands in front of the ladder. He wears ajacket, tie and hat, and carries a pipe from which he occasionallydraws from. He speaks in an upstate New York or New England accent].

Stage Manager: This play is called ‘Our Town’, and it was not written by Thornton Wilder. The name of the town is New York City, NewYork…it’s just across the Jersey border, Longitude 73 degrees, 58minutes, Latitude 44 degrees, 7 minutes. The time is January 31,1976, [looks around] and it’s a little before dawn.

It the air quality wasn’t so poor, you could see the first streaks oflight right over there through the twin trade towers. [sfx: a policesiren starts to wail] The big street right around here is calledBroadway…another is called 42nd Street….’course, the subway runsright underneath us.

Over there is the new methadone center…we’re very proud of that.[audience laughs] And just above the leather bar is, uh, VinnieSabotino’s massage parlor, where you can get a decent rub job for tendollars. Next to that is the, uh, body paint studio, and uh [drawspipe], oh yeah, beside that is ‘Sex Aid City’, and on the corner isthe adult bookshop. Let’s see what they have there [peers at objectsupposedly at a distance] ‘Torrid Tots Meet the Nympho-‘ [chuckles]. They always put black tape over the good parts.

[draws pipe] I, uh- I suppose you’re wonderin’ what those big moundsof garbage everywhere are. Fact is the sanitation workers went onstrike a few months ago and it’s been that way- [distracted, hechuckles] look at the size of that, would ya? Ha ha…looks more likea dog! Where was I anyway? Oh yeah, I was talkin’ about strikes…mygoodness, seems like they’re all on strike now. We’ve got the transitworkers, and the…teachers, the typesetters, the cab drivers. Theambulance drivers and the doctors and the milkmen, [sfx: roar of jetengines approaching] the gravediggers and the operators and themunicipal- [notices engine noise, checks watch] Ah, that’d be Flight646 from Boston, right on time…[sfx: boom]. Looks like the aircontrollers’ strike went through too.

[draws pipe] Now, uh, those women that you see in the platform shoesand the microskirts standin’ there in front of the fire station- well,that used to be the fire station but our mayor made somecutbacks…mostly police and fire department- they closed it down.

[sfx: woman’s bloodcurdling screams] Well, I reckon that’s old Mrs.Grossman getting raped and strangled in the alley. You probablywonderin’ why I don’t call the cops. Well, for one thing, the phonein that booth over there hasn’t worked since Dewey was governor. Andfor another, that’s how we do things here in Our Town, we tend not toget involved, you know…sorta let people go about their business. Like, uh, Rafer Jones over there. Good ol’ Rafer, we- we just let himgo about his business. Gosh, he’s been pushing junk on this cornerfor more years than I care to remember. [calling off camera] Mornin’Ray!

Yep…well, it looks like the town’s startin’ to wake up now- [noticessomething on his shoe] Nghh, ha ha…gotta watch where you step inthese New York streets, I tell ya [walks to side of ladder and wipeshis foot on the lowest step].

Say, a sad thing happened last week to old, uh, Doc Andrew. You, youthink a grown man would have more sense than to go traipsing aroundthe park after sundown. Not Doc. He went out jogging, or something,and they found him next moring, stabbed 112 times. You might haveread about it in the papers. [draws pipe] Never did find thefeet…the hands were mailed back of course but that’s life, Isuppose.

Least ways, that’s how life is here in Our Town…population eight million, one-hundred ninety-five thousand, five hundred and sirty-thwix… five-hundred and sixty-two, I should say because we almost forgot about old Mrs. Grossman. [puts pipe in mouth, sfx: car horns] Well, I better be goin’ if I wanna beat the mornin’ rush hour home [takes pipe out]. Oh…I don’t live here, I just work here; I live in Connecticut. Most everybody who can afford it lives in Connecticut or Westchester. [a beat] Even Valley Stream.

[turns to go, pauses] Anyway, uh, glad to say the weather’s clearingup, although when it turns out to be a hot sunny day, it’s a shame ina way because, uh, the garbage always smells wors on a hot sunny day,but anyway, we’ll be seeing you, you have a nice day. [puts pipe inmouth, turns, and walks into the darkness behind].

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
British Mercenary…..Dan Aykroyd
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Tom Schiller

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] What do you mean? No — you remember on the freeway… that truck that passed us? I swear they could see your head. Honey, it did not look like you were napping… [ he notices the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.

Our top story tonight: In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court struck down nearly all limits on presidential campaign spending. Almost immediately, four new candidates entered the race: Norman Lear, the Shah of Iran, Hugh Hefner, and Nelson Rockefeller.

Henry Kissinger was fitted with new eyeglasses today. This, following the wake of the embarrassing incident which took place earlier this week, where Kissinger accidentally sold firearms to his wife Nancy and dance with Israeli Prime Minister Rabin until the wee hours of the morning.

The CIA has denied an attempt to assassinate Fidel Castro with an invisible exploding cigar.

A recent Harris Poll shows that, by a margin of 44% to 46%, Republican voters would prefer a president who puts shampoo in his coffee to one who puts Red Dye #2 in his hair.

Well, the selection of the jury in the Patricia Hearst case is almost over. For a direct reprot, let’s go now to the courthouse in San Francisco, and correspondent Peter Error.

[ cut to a series of amateur-quality of “Artist’s Rendering” photos of the trial ]

Voiceover: A predominantly female panel of selected jurors has been chosen so far in the bank robbery trial of Patricia Hearst. Before the secret questioning of jurors began again today, a judge denied a request by the America Civil Liberties Union to open the trial to the public and press. Newspaper millionaire Randolph Hearst and his wife were the only members of the family allowed in the courtroom, much to the dissatisfaction of the prosecution. Defense counsel Al Johnson said that Miss Hearst was wearing the same outfit she had worn the day before — a white turtleneck, Navy blue blazer, and Navy blue slacks. The trial will center on rather weighty evidence connecting Miss Hearst to at least one bank hold-up, in which film had been taken. Also scheduled to appear are William and Emily Harris, for their parts in the kidnapping and subsequent alleged illegal activities. And, of course, Patty’s roommate, Wendy Yoshimura.

[ camera pulls back to reveal Chevy holding his nose and conducting the narration of the poorly-drawn slides ]

Chevy Chase: This is Peter Error, reporting from San Francisco…

[ Chevy looks up to find the camera on him, and promptly lets go of his nose ]

Chevy Chase: [ image: woman staring at potted plant in pothole ] Former First-Lady, Ladybird Johnson, flew to New York today to continue spreading the word on her “Keep America Beautful” campaign.

Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday, by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor’s cries of “Pleh! Pleh!” [ the audience laughs and groans ] I’m sorry!

By a vote of 23 to 5, the California State Supreme Court — [ Chevy purposely mangles his words, shrugs, and starts over ] The California State Denate has approved a resolution removing Richard M. Nixon’s name from a Southern California freeway. Sources in San Clemente say that the former president is considering changing his name to “Off Ramp”.

Well, the sea has yielded a rare living treasure. Marine biologists have discovered individual portions of tuna swimming off the coast of Grand Bahamas Island. Culinary expert Isaac Main says this is the biggest and best thing since the discovery of the tomato some one hundred years ago. [ Chevy crumles the news sheet and stuffs it inside his jacket ]

This just in: Francisco Franco is dead tody at the age of 82.

Well, 1976 is not only a bicentennial year, the New York Times reports that this year also marks the tricentennial of the discovery of sperm. Dr. Donald Faucet, celebrating at the Harvard Medical School in Boston, remarked: “There is reason to believe that the spermatazoen was in use before 1676.” “Weekend Update” advocates its continued use in the coming centuries.

Chevy Chase: Right now, we have a direct, live via satellite, report from Luanda, Angola, with correspondent Laraine Newman and a British mercenary. Come in, Laraine Newman.

[ after a moment, Laraine appears on the monitor behind Chevy ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m sitting in a makeshift hospital on the outskirts of the city, next to an exhausted British mercenary, who’s been in the field for eight long and lonely weeks. It’s obvious that this man has suffered from the elements for eight long and lonely weeks, has suffered from lack of food for eight long and lonely weeks, and has suffered from lack of companionship for eight long and lonely weeks. Tell me, sir: What brought you to Angola?

British Mercenary: Well, a nice summonette in “Soldier of Fortune” magazine, and, uh, it’s rough, they don’t know where they’re gonna send you next. Went up to Iceland, trained in the Chuppas there for a while, and then… came down here, and, uh, got my gun in the Chuppas, you know. They say it’s rough, but, uh, you know, you never know when you’re gonna get hit, and… I think they’re gonna send me out to the Painted Desert to exterminate lizards next. But, uh… I’d sure like to pop your lily!

Laraine Newman: Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.

British Mercenary: I mean it! I mean it!

[ they begin to kiss and make it, as the transmission fades ]

Chevy Chase: War-torn Laraine Newman, in Angola. I’m sorry.

Still to Come: A Brooklyn fireman elopes with a dog. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Felina Cat Food ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: [ blows his nose on the crumpled news sheet ] And now, in keeping with our policy to present responsible opposing viewpoints, here with an editorial reply is Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What’s all this fuss I hear… about an Eagle Rights Amendment? Now, I realize that the eagle is the symbol for the United States of America. But I wouldn’t like to sit next to one on the bus! Well, I think the eagle’s been treated fair enough! We put theim on the back of the quarter, didn’t we? Well, I’m angry! Do those birds expect to vote? They don’t even have fingers to push the little lever in the booth! And they’ll get their wings caught in the curtain! It’ll be a mess! Between you and me, if we give eagles rights, the next thing you know, we’ll have to give rights to pigeons! And then robins! And parakeets! Why, you won’t be able to get a seat in the park! It’ll be the BIRDS sitting on the bench throwing US little pieces of toast! If we’re gonna give birds rights, we’ll have to give them to parrots! At least they can talk! Not the eagle! They don’t do a thing! I —

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella? Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: The editorial was in favor of the Equal Rights Amendment. Not Eagle Rights — Equal Rights.

Emily Litella: Equal Rights?

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: For who?

Chevy Chase: Well, people, Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: Oh. Well, that’s reasonable.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: Never mind!

Chevy Chase: “Weekend Update” recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials — when we feel like it.

And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may have been watching “I Love Lucy” during this broadcast, I will repeat the top story of the day assisted by the Curator of the “I Love Lucy” Museum, Mr. Thomas Schiller.

[ Schiller appears in Ricky Ricardo garb in an oval over Chevy’s shoulder ]

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight:

Thomas Schiller: Our top story tonight:

Chevy Chase: The Supreme Court strikes down campaign spending limits.

Thomas Schiller: Hey, Lucy! It’s me, Ricky! I’m down at the club! Listen: Tell Fred and Ethel to bring my white tuxedo! We’re having a show with Bill Holden, and it’s very important I have it! And tell Little Ricky to bring the drums! Don’t forget the white suit, Lucy!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thomas Schiller: Good night, Lucy! See you manana!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Voodoo

… Robert Van Ry, SNL Stage Manager
… Chevy Chase
… Garrett Morris

[Chevy Chase’s dressing room. Chevy, surrounded byfour attractive young women, wears a gray suit and tieand sits before a TV set. He sips a drink held for himby one of the women.]

Robert Van Ry: [off screen] One minute, Mr. Chase!

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Bob. [a woman in Chevy’s lapoffers him some food] Oh, strawberries. [dropsstrawberry] Oop. Geez. [the women laugh obsequiously,Chevy eats the strawberry] I gotta get out there.[rises, brushes himself off, talks to the women as heheads for the door] Just wait here, okay?

[Chevy exits into hallway where he bumps into GarrettMorris just outside Garrett’s dressing room.]

Garrett Morris: Hey, hey, Chevy, what’s happenin’?

Chevy Chase: Garrett! How are you? Good to see you.

[They shake hands warmly.]

Garrett Morris: How you doin’, man? How’s everything?

Chevy Chase: Gotta go out and open the show.

Garrett Morris: Yeah, I know. Good luck, man.

Chevy Chase: Thanks.

Garrett Morris: Hey, hey, get that lint off. [thoughtfully picks some lint off Chevy’s gray suit]

Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna be able to do a fall this week.

Garrett Morris: No? Why not?

Chevy Chase: I really injured my back last week doing one, I think.

Garrett Morris: Oh, you know, I noticed you werefavoring your back, man, when you were walkin’. Bettertake it easy, bro’. Your shoes shined, man? [looks atChevy’s shoes] Yeah, okay.

Chevy Chase: Hey, listen, you’re not in the show verymuch this week and I’m pretty upset about it. I hopeyou’re not bothered by it. I know that it’s–

Garrett Morris: Oh, no, man. Look, I’m just glad to bein the show with you, man.

Chevy Chase: Just ’cause I’m gettin’ all the–

Garrett Morris: You a star, man. You a great talent, man.

Chevy Chase: I mean, I’m gettin’ all the publicity inthe press and everything but that’s– you know.

Garrett Morris: Hey, but, I’m– Look, I’m diggin’bein’ on the show with you.

Chevy Chase: You’re a fine actor, Garrett. I enjoy working with you.

Garrett Morris: Thanks a lot, man. Look, it’s a pleasure workin’ with you, man.

Chevy Chase: I’ll see ya later.

Garrett Morris: Hey! Good luck, Chevy, man.

Chevy Chase: Thanks.

Garrett Morris: Take it easy.

[Chevy walks off down the hallway but we stay withGarrett who glances up and down the hall cautiouslybefore retreating into his dressing room. Garrett sitsat a desk, puts on a necklace strung with teeth and aderby hat with a feather in it. He sings wordlessly ashe picks up a small, gray-suited Chevy Chase doll,flips it over and starts manipulating the featheredpin stuck in its back — it’s a voodoo doll.]

Garrett Morris: [rolls his eyes, singing] Chevy Chaaaaaase!

[Cut to home base where a microphone rests on a stool.]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Chevy Chase!

[Audience applauds as Chevy enters slowly, clutching his sore back, picks up the microphone and sits on the stool.]

Chevy Chase: Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello,everybody and welcome. I have a slight apology tomake. I won’t be doing the traditional fall to openthe show due to a back injury which I sustained lastweek. I would, however– And boy! Is it killin’ me –to sing a song for you, just to, uh, warm things up.

[As Chevy talks, we cut to Garrett’s dressing roomwhere Garrett pulls the pin out of the doll’s back andsticks it in the neck.]

Garrett Morris: [singing] Chevy Cha–!

[Cut back to home base where Chevy clutches at his neck.]

Chevy Chase: And, uh– Ow! That’s, like, shootingright up into my neck, you know? But, uh, anyway, uh,well, let’s give it a try. Uh, want to hit it, Paul?[Offstage, unseen pianist Paul Shaffer starts playingthe 1937 George and Ira Gershwin pop standard “TheyCan’t Take That Away from Me” — Chevy sings:]
The way you wear your hat –
The way we danced till three –
The mem’ry of all that–

[Cut to Garrett who hurls the doll up against hisdressing room wall, watching it fall to the floor.]

Garrett Morris: [singing] Chevy!

[Cut back to Chevy who, microphone in hand, pitchesforward and falls headlong off of home base,disappearing from camera range, landing on the floorin front of the stage and knocking over the stool inthe process. Applause. Close-up of Chevy on thefloor.]

Chevy Chase: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 14th, 1976

Peter Boyle

Al Jarreau

The Shapiro Sisters

None

Anne Beatts

Neil Levy

Alan Zweibel St. Valentine’s Day MassacreSummary: As couples dine at a Chicago restaurant on Valentine’s Day, 1929, a patron named Roger (Dan Aykroyd) asks Jimmy the waiter (Chevy Chase) to move his car into the garage from the snow. After Jimmy steps outside, a round of gunfire is heard, and Jimmy tumbles back into the restaurant filled with bullet holes and enough energy to open the show.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript

Montage

Peter Boyle’s MonologueSummary: Just seconds after the stage has been cleared of the cold opening sketch, Peter Boyle walks out and tells the audience about his new girlfriend, Lorraine, who’s sitting among them. Because it’s Valentine’s Day, he sings the Rogers & Hart classic, “My Funny Valentine”, just for her, unaware that she’s making out with another man in the audience.

Bio: Perhaps best known as the misunderstood monster in “Young Frankenstein” and the cranky grandpa on “Everybody Loves Raymond”, Peter Boyle (1935-2006), a former monk in the Christian Brothers order, is no stranger to live theatre. Early in his career, he performed in a tour of “The Odd Couple” and onstage as part of Chicago’s Second City troupe. A week prior to his SNL hosting, Boyle showed up on the big screen as The Wizard in “Taxi Driver.” He’s been married to Lorraine since 1977.

Transcript

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 75d.

Samurai Divorce CourtSummary: Mr. (John Belushi) and Mrs. Futaba (Jane Curtin) are getting divorced, so their divorce lawyer (Peter Boyle) calls them together to divide their assets. The task is simple at first, but soon the disparity prevails and they begin to split everything down the middle with Futaba’s samurai sword. There’s still the matter of declaring custody of their young daughter, Bingo (Jenny Shapiro), but is it better to split her across the waist or down the middle?

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Transcript

The Shapiro Sisters lip-sync “This Will Be”Summary: Peter Boyle introduces The Shapiro Sisters, a child trio who dance and lip-synch the Natalie Cole song “This Will Be.”

Bio: Sisters Helena, Emily and Jenny are the daughters of Ken Shapiro, who produced, directed, wrote and acted in New York’s East Village Channel One Video Theater for five years, starting in 1967. The crew of Channel One later released “The Groove Tube” in theaters in 1974. Chevy Chase was a writer and actor for both productions.

New DadSummary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family’s emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Note: Repeat from 75a.

Jason & Chloe’s SideshowSummary: Stoners Jason (Dan Aykroyd) and Chloe (Laraine Newman) are visited by their neighbor Bob (Peter Boyle), who keeps mistakenly receiving suspicious packages addressed for them. They invite him inside to watch weird slides from their recent trip.

Recurring Characters: Jason, Chloe.

Note: In future appearances, Chloe also goes by the name Sunshine.

Transcript

Al Jarreau performs “We Got By”Bio: Al Jarreau (1940-) is the only vocalist to win Grammys in three different categories – jazz, pop, and R&B. 80’s television viewers will recognize his voice from the “Moonlighting” soundtrack.

Lyrics

The CorridaSummary: Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) speaks highly of the new Corrida automobile, which he finds satisfactory in spite of its poor assembly.

Recurring Characters: Ricardo Montalban.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase narrates Patty Hearst trial testimony over images of art masterpieces. Garrett Morris reports on the Winter Olympics from Innsbruck a week after they’ve ended. Back at the Blaine Hotel, Laraine Newman reports from outside a snuff director’s room. In an editorial reply, Emily Litella is against donating money for canker research.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

All-Pro WrestlingSummary: An exciting tag team wrestling match between Bees (John Belushi, Peter Belushi) and WASPs (Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

Remembrance of Things PastSummary: Jane Curtin intrviews a disguised Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd), going by the alias of Mr. X, about his recent activities.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon.

Transcript

The Pledge of AllegianceSummary: This week’s Gary Weis film shows schoolchildren reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. The last line, “With liberty, and justice for all,” cuts to a delivery by Rubin Carter (Garrett Morris).

Duelling BrandosSummary: As the banjo music from “Deliverance” plays, Peter Boyle and John Belushi, dressed in “Wild One” garb, one-up one another with lines from Marlon Brando films.

Transcript

Household OrgySummary: When a husband (Peter Boyle) comes home early, he discovers various men hidden among his household appliances. His wife (Jane Curtin) convinces him they aren’t suspicious men, but, rather, new household products designed to run his home more efficiently.

Transcript

“A Home Movie”Summary: Filmed by viewer Howard Grunwald, this week’s home movie is literally video footage of the outside of a house. Afterwards, Gilda Radner asks Don Pardo to tell other home viewers where to send their home movies for inclusion on SNL.

Garrett’s ValentineSummary: Garrett Morris gives Gilda Radner a raunchy Valentine’s Day card.

Transcript

Al Jarreau performs “Somebody’s Watching You”Lyrics

SpeedSummary: When a housewife (Anne Beatts) uses the Speed diet pill, she’s able to get a lot of work done in a short amount of time.

Note: Repeat from 75f.

“Homeward Bound”Summary: Gary Weis’ film shows holiday travelers reuniting with their families at the airport, to to the sound of the Simon & Garfunkel classic “Homeward Bound.”

Note: Repeat from 75h.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13

75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

All-Pro Wrestling

Johnny Pantaloop…..Dan Aykroyd
Bee #1…..John Belushi
Bee #2…..Peter Boyle
John Brewster…..Chevy Chase
Pat Brewster…..Gilda Radner
Referee…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: [ over title card ] And now, from the National Wrestling Super Dome, it’s the thrills and excitement of All-Pro Wrestling. And now into the ring with your commentator — Johnny Pantaloop.

[ dissolve to the ringside action, as the bell rings ]

Johnny Pantaloop: Alright, ladies and gentlemen! Up first on the card tonight, our featured tag-team bout! In first, from Giant Rock, California, and with a collective weight of 560 pounds — the championship tag team of The Bees!

[ a pair of Bees climb into the ring and strut for the crowd ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: And, the opponents are from Applecrest Gardens, Connecticut, with a collective weight of 280 pounds — the tag team of John and Pat Brewster, the WASPs!

[ the preppy WASP couple climb into the ring and smile at the crowd ]

And, ladies and gentlemen, your referee tonight will be Frank ??

[ the bell rings, as the Referee steps between the two teams ]

Referee: Alright, fellas! It’ll be a 15-minute bout — uh, three pins or five throws! No dodging, no kicking below the belt! Now, go into your corners and come out wrestling!

[ John Brewster points to Bee #1’s swinging antenna ]

Referee: Yeah, I better take this off for you — you’ll poke somebody’s eye out! [ he pulls off the Bee’s antenna ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Of course, uh, they’re removing their antenna here tonight, ’cause they are very dangerous! The Bees are a very angry team! They’ve got prowess, they’ve got stamina. Uh, of course, the WASPs are very, very clever, and they’re gonna try all they can.

[ John Brewster struts about the ring a moment, then he and Bee #1 bounce back and forth between the ropes before Bee #1 lands Brewster in a chokehold ]

John Brewster: Hold it, hold it! [ he extends his hand for a shake ] I’m terribly sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met! I’m John Brewster. [ they shake hands ] Say, you know my wife and I have a TERRIFIC country place in the Hamptons, where our daughter is making her debut this weekend, and, well, we thought we might send the station wagon around for you at the airport. You can join the twins and I in the yacht. Perhaps you and your partner and I could —

[ catching the Bee off guard, Brewster twists his arm round, swings the Bee onto his back, then pounces on top of him ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Well, as you can see the WASPs are very, very clever, and they’re sparing none of their tactics here today as the Bees go for an early tag!

[ Bee #2 climbs into the rings, pulls Brewster off of his buddy and throws him down into the mat ]

John Brewster: Hey! I don’t believe you met my wife Pat! Come over here, Pat!

[ John tags Pat, as they swap places ]

Pat Brewster: [ extending her hand ] How do you do! It’s SO pleasurable to meet you —

[ having none of it, Bee #2 grabs Pat and swings her around the ring ]

Pat Brewster: Put me down! Put me down! [ Bee #2 puts her down ] You know, dear — our daughter, Britt, has been taking French lessons, and we were thinking about giving her a private tutor! John and I are thinking it might be time to have her —

[ Pat grabs Bee #2 by the neck and throws him down into the mat ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: And a GREAT tactic there! A body slam and he falls right onto the mat! And the Bees are going for a tag!

[ the Bees swap places ]

Pat Brewster: Uh, you know, our other daughter — we were thinking of sending her to Switzerland, but we were — have you ever been to Bridgeport?

[ having none of it, Bee #1 thrusts Pat’s head between the ropes, puts the twist on her and begins to pound her face ]

Pat Brewster: No! We’re making a pot of red chili! We’d love to have you over for lunch!

[ without tagging her, John jumps into the ring and grabs Bee#1 from behind; likewise, Bee #2 jumps in to help his partner ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: Now, wait a minute! We have an illegal situation here, ladies gentlemen! We have a definite illegality here! BOTH teams are in the ring! There was no — there was NO tag here, absolutely no tag at all! There’s excitement here! There’s physical action! I don’t know whether the judges can disqualify this! There’s a lot of physical action here, a lot of excitement! It’s one of the GREATEST wrestling events I’ve ever seen, personally! I don’t know what the outcome will be! WHAT can they POSSIBLY do to finish this?! I don’t know, do they DARE do it?!

[ suddenly, a cow drops into the ring ]

Johnny Pantaloop V/O: YES! They’ve done it! They’ve DROPPED THE COW, ladies and gentlemen! They have DROPPED THE COW! They dropped the cow into the ring! The round — and the sketch — are OVERRRRR!!

[ pull into wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… How Dentists Brush Their Teeth” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts