Category: 1976

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

The Litella Sisters At Home

Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Essie Litella…..Ruth Gordon

[ open on the Litella Sisters sitting at their kitchen table making toast ]

Emily Litella: Well, Essie, shall we have some nice toast for lunch?

Essie Litella: Oh, I love toast. But we had toast for breakfast. How about some nice cake?

Emily Litella: Oh, well, we could toast it. Although, real toast is one of my favorites of the foods.

Essie Litella: I know! Let’s have raisin toast, and let’s cut it in points.

Emily Litella: Oh, lovely, Essie! But it’s my turn to cut it, you cut it at breakfast.

Essie Litella: That was five points!

Emily Litella: Oh, Essie. [ puts bread in toaster ] There we go.

Essie Litella: Emily?

Emily Litella: Yes?

Essie Litella: I’m so happy that you’ve become the correspondent on “News Update”.

Emily Litella: Oh, yes.

Essie Litella: Have you decided what this week’s editorial is gonna be?

Emily Litella: Oh, no, I haven’t, Essie. I’m going to need your help. Now, that Jane Curtin girl is gonna be so angry with me if I don’t come up with something relevant! Now, Essie, what are the burning issues of the day?

Essie Litella: Hmm.. the burning tissues of the day? Oh, that’s ridiculous. How can you blow your nose on something that’s burning?

Emily Litella: Issues, Essie! Issues!

Essie Litella: Oh, well, uh.. oh! There’s this new fad.. uh.. transcendental medication. And then there’s all this hoopla they’re making over ships disappearing in the MacGruder Triangle.

Emily Litella: Oh, oh dear, no, no, no. That’s much too personal.

Essie Litella: Well, then.. what is all this ruckus Ralph Nader’s been raising about equipping every car in America with an air fag?

Emily Litella: Air fag? Well, that’s terrible! I didn’t know there were enough of those homos to go around! I say let’s keep them in Greenwich Village where they belong!

Essie Litella: [ has cut her toast into the shape of a duck ] Look, Emily! A duck!

Emily Litella: Essie! You watch your language! It’s your filthy mouth that’s kept you off the television all these years! Now, dear, dear, what am I going to do on “Update” this week? I mean, should I talk about toast?

Essie Litella: Emily, let’s pretend I’m the one who goes on “Update”. Introduce me, come on.

Emily Litella: Alright. [ ] And now, in response to a recent editorial that was shown on “Weekend Update”, here, with an editorial reply – watch it, Essie – is Miss Essie Litella.

Essie Litella: What’s all this fuss I keep hearing about flea elections in China? If Oriental insects want to run for office, that is their business!

Emily Litella: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella! Miss Litella!

Essie Litella: What?

Emily Litella: That’s flea erections. Flea erections!

Essie Litella: Oh. Well, that’s very different. Never mind.

Emily Litella: [ picks the mail off of the table ] Oh! Essie, look! A postcard from Norm Crosby. Let me read it to you: “Dear Litella Sisters, keep up the good worm, all my lunch – Norm.” Well, that’s pretty stupid. Let’s toast it. [ drops the postcard in the toaster ]

[ camera pans out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Mass Auto Eroticism” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Ruth Gordon’s Monologue

…..Ruth Gordon

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Ruth Gordon!

Ruth Gordon: Well! Well! Tonight — tonight you’re seeing somebody VERY unusual in this world, because I’m doing smething I like to do. I’m sorry, that’s unusual — but that explains me. Tonight, I’m here because I enjoy being here. I like to make an entrance! I like to get applause! And, when I’m on, I like to do something new — and is this ever new, tonight! Because tonight… the bunch believes that I, after sixty-one years of being an actress, that I am READY… for The Not Ready For Prime-Time Players. and HOW do you like this? Five will getcha ten — I AM ready! Take it easy!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

The Mr. Bill Show

Mr. Hands: It’s time for “The Mr. Bill Show”!

Mr. Bill: Okay! Ohhhhh! It’s so good to see all you boys and girls, we’re going to have a great time today! And here’s my friend, he helps me all the time – Mr. Hands!

[ Mr. Hands emerges from the shadows ]

Mr. Hands: Hey, Mr. Bill, one of your good friends is coming to visit! [ singing ] “Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog..” [ molds Spot into shape ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh! Spot! Ohhhh! It’s so good to see you, Spot!

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill, your best pal’s coming to visit right now.

Mr. Bill: Oh, who’s that, huh?

Mr. Hands: It’s Mr. Sluggo! [ molds Sluggo into shape ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh, no! He hurts me all the time, he’s gonna hurt me!

Mr. Hands: No, he just says he’s hungry. [ points to Spot ] He says that dog looks mighty tasty.

Mr. Bill: No! Leave Spot alone! Ohhhhh!!

[ close-up of Sluggo’s face shows Spot’s tail hanging out of his mouth ]

Mr. Hands: Mr. Sluggo says Spot was delicious.

Mr. Bill: Ohhh, why did you let him do that to Spot, huh?

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill, you know it’s important to be well-groomed when expecting visitors.

Mr. Bill: Oh, I can’t do that! I can’t do that! Wait!

Mr. Hands: Sure. Let’s comb your hair. [ takes a brush to Mr. Bill’s head and starts combing back, scraping his head apart ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhh! I don’t want to be bald!

Mr. Hands: You’re not going to be, because I made you a new “Mod-Look” toupee. [ molds toupee and wraps it over Mr. Bill’s head ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, I don’t like it! I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill, a visitor’s coming right now, and he’s a world-famous magician.

Mr. Bill: Ohh, who is that, huh?

Mr. Hands: It’s the Amazing Sluggo the Magician.

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! He’s not a magician, he’s just gonna hurt me again!

Mr. Hands: And I’m his assistant. And for Slugg’s first trick, he’s goning to levitate you. [ holds Mr. Bill sideways and wraps a cloth around him ]

Mr. Bill: I can’t do that! I can’t do that!

Mr. Hands: And to make it more interesting, he said to put these poison-tip spikes beneath you. [ drops spikes underneath Mr. Bill ]

Mr. Bill: No, no! He’s just going to hurt me!

Mr. Hands: Here we go. Levitate yourself. [ drops Mr. Bill onto the spikes ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill, you didn’t think positive. Now for the traditional saw-the-man-in-half trick.

Mr. Bill: No, I can’t do that! He’s gonna hurt me!

Mr. Hands: No, Mr. Bill, I’ve seen it done thousands of times. [ puts Mr. Bill in the box, then closes the lid over his hand ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Okay, Mr. Bill, now, just get in the right frame of mind, and here we go. [ starts sawing the box in half ] He says to saw you in half right now!

Mr. Bill: No, no! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Okay, Mr. Bill, let’s check those results. Here we go. [ empties contents of both halves of the box, dispensing Mr. Bill in three pieces ] Oh, Mr. Bill, something must have gone haywire.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: Mr. Bill’s going on an outer space adventure right now. [ places parts of Mr. Bill on a board balanced over a rusty can, then sends Mr. Bill flying into the air ] So, until next week, Mr. Bill says so long, and so long from Mr. Sluggo, Mr. Spot, and everybody else!

[ end ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Mr. Mike’s Least Loved Bedtime Tales

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue
French Maid…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Mr. Mike touching the neck of a pink plastic flamingo in front of his chair ]

Mr. Mike: Fifi? Fifi, come here this instant!

French Maid: [ enters ] Oui, oui?

Mr. Mike: Fifi, there’s dust on my flamingo.

French Maid: Oh, no, Mr. Mike!

Mr. Mike: You know, why I have a half a mind to take you over my knee, and.. – oh, nothing. Say, why don’t you just hop up here on my lap, and I’ll tell you the story of “Willy The Worm”.

French Maid: Willy ze Worm? Ooh-la-la! I have never heard zis story!

Mr. Mike: Yes, you see.. one day, while crossing the highway, Willy the Worm was run over by a large truck. His back half was just.. mashed. He was rushed to the worm doctor, who took one look at him, shook his head slowly from side to side, and said, “Willy, I have bad news for you. I’m afraid you’ll never crawl again.”

“Not crawl? Not crawl? But crawling’s my whole life,” exclaimed Willy, and set out to prove the doctor wrong. Many years past, and progress was slow, but Willy never gave up. His fierce dtermination drove him on, and finally Willy could crawl just as well as he ever did.

“It’s amazing,” said the worm doctor. “Why, you’ll be written up in medical journals.” Indeed, worms had medical journals. “That’s nothing, watch this, Doc,” cried Willy. And he quickly crawled up a rock, down the other side, over a log, around a stump, and partway across the highway, where he was run over by another truck, even larger than the first. This time, his front half was mashed. The end.

French Maid: Oh, what a fine story, Mr. Mike! Merci beaucoup. [ kisses Mr. Mike’s cheek ]

Mr. Mike: Well, you saucy scamp, hadn’t you better be attending to your many duties?

French Maid: But, of course. [ exits ]

Mr. Mike: In closing, I’d like to say.. it’s all very easy to laugh at yourself, the difficult thing is learning to laugh at others.

French Maid: Oh, Mr. Mike! Mr. Mike! I have lost my feather duster! Will you help me retrieve it?

Mr. Mike: Well, I have to go now. I have to help Fifi retrieve her feather duster. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Me

Barbra Streisand…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Barbra Streisand standing in her spotlight ]

Barbra Streisand: [ sings a medley of her hits ]
“All the critics hated my new movie
‘A Star Is Born’ was self-indulgent, they agree
‘Cause in the film,
I’m practically
The only one you ever hear or see.

I’ll admit the film was weak in places –
Like when the camera was on other people’s faces –
And I say that not from self-indulgency
But because I’m in love with me.

Me,
I’m who everybody should be
‘Cause even if one of my films sucks
It still makes four million buvks (just for me).

I
Was not in ‘Lady Sings The Blues”Cause nobody would listen when
I kept saying just make it jews, for me.

I’ve played Miss Marmelstein, Fanny Brice, and Dolly Levy
But though each part had a different name
You could’ve seen them all with your eyes closed
‘Cause I acted every one of them the same,
Exactly the same,
Exactly like me.

A beautician
Produced my last film with great care
And the editing sure showed it
‘A Star Is Born’ was cut just like my hair
For me.

So,
Happy days are here again for me
You can rain on my parade, but not on me
And my man I love him so, but not like I love me
‘Cause on a clear day we can see me
But tell me would we, could we, be me?
Goodbye Dolly, hello me,
The best things in life are me,
But first be a person who is me
People who are me
Are the luckiest people in the world
And it’s the laughter
That we’ll remember
Whenever we remember
M-E-E,
Me!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Dino De Laurentiis…..John Belushi

Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody, welcome to the “Tomorrow” show. Well, he did it. Peanut butter in the White House. What the heck we’ll be eating in four years from now, I don’t know. Anyway, tonight we’ll be eating bananas.. hey, bananas and peanut butter make good sandwiches, because our guest tonight is the producer of “King Kong” – Mr. Dino De Laurentiis.

Dino De Laurentiis: [ directly to camera ] Hey, everybody.. listen.. go see my “Kong”.. you gonna love it.

Tom Snyder: Mr. De Laurentiis, a few members of the Hollywood press have said that with all the money you spent on “King Kong”, you could have made twnety good movies instead. Some reporters have called you everything from a “toy commercial maker” to a ruthless “monkey pimp”. How, sir, do you answer these charges?

Dino De Laurentiis: Okay.. I want to tell you something.. when the Jaws die, nobody cry.. when my Kong die, everybody cry. Everybody love my Kong.. kids, women, intellectuals, all love my Kong.

Tom Snyder: Sir, let me ask you this: How much money did you spend on the ape model itself?

Dino De Laurentiis: Hey.. we don’t talk about money.. money I don’t care too much, I spend any kind of money to make my Kong the best Kong, it’s art.. okay, we talk about art. Like the face of the ape, the make-up people they bring me one face. I say no, it looks too much like “Planet of the Apes”.. the next face they bring me, it looks too much like a man. They bring me another face.. looks too much like the actor Brock Peters.

Tom Snyder: Mr. De Laurentiis, why make another “King Kong”? The first version, which I never saw.. [ laughs ] ..was apparently a wonderful piece of cinema.

Dino De Laurentiis: Don’t talk to me about the old Kong. I’m gonna tell you something about the old Kong. They’d call him in to start shooting at six inthe morning.. he’d come in drunk. He’d say, we shoot at eight o’clock tonight. What you gonna say to a star that big.. like Sinatra. Sinatra wants to shoot at eight, you shoot at eight… just like the old Kong. Night people.. the old Kong, he was a drunk.. party ape. I tell you something.. not many people know this, but the old Kong was going out with Jean Harlow at the time. No wonder he couldn’t get up in the morning. Party ape. He used to make long-distance phone calls all over the world and charge it to the movie. Not my kong.. he didn’t make no calls.. everybody else on the set making calls, charging it to the movie. You want to talk about money, you know how much I lost from long-distance phone calls? $500.

Tom Snyder: Sir, the advertising for your movie, the billboards and so on, depict King Kong crushing jet planes in his hands, but, sir, there is not one jet plane in the movie. In fact, at the end the ape battles three helicopters, no jet planes, and even then you used the shot of him swatting one of the ‘copters twice. Isn’t that kind of a hype?

Dino De Laurentiis: Hype? you want to talk about hype? Did you see “A Star Is Born”? You know who wanted to be Fay Wray in my movie? Barbra Streisand. Her producer, Jon Peters, I tell him hey, two monsters in a movie is enough. [ laughs ] He says to me his movie “A STar Is Born” is gonna make a lot more money than my Kong, you know what I say to him, I say, “Maybe so.. your monkey can sing.” [ laughs ] You like? They’re the only two jokes I ever told in my life.

Tom Snyder: Alright, sir. We’ve been talking with..

Dino De Laurentiis: [ interrupting ] Nobody cry when the Jaws die.. they put the tank in the mouth.. they shoot it – he explode – he blow up, nobody cry. When my Kong is on top of the World Trade Center..

Tom Snyder: Fighting helicopters, not jets.

Dino De Laurentiis: When he fall down, everybody cry! Intellectuals cry, little kids cry, women cry, everybody cry. But when Jaws die, nobody cry.

Tom Snyder: Thank you, sir.

Dino De Laurentiis: You gonna see “Kong II”, “Kong III”, “Kong IV”. I spent ten million dollars on the Kong itself. You think I’m not gonna use the Kong again? Gonna be “Hong Kong Kong”, martial arts movie, like Bruce Lee, “Kong Fu”. Okay, we gonna do a sitcom..

Tom Snyder: Good night, everybody.

[ fade out while Dino rambles on ]

Dino De Laurentiis: Norman Lear.. gonna produce it, “Kong, Kong, Who’s There?”…

[ dissolve to logo, and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 12

76l: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Laraine Newman
Lillian Carter…..Ruth Gordon
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [ fidgeting with some perfume which she desperately seeks a scent from, until she notices camera on her ] Our top story tonight..

Sharing a touching moment for the cameras, a dejected Gerald Ford was consoled by Betty Ford as he revealed his emotions on his last day in office. A moment later, as the President turned away to hide his tears, Betty once again demonstrated her sense of humor by laughing behind his back.

While at the Inaugural Ball Thursday night, it was Jimmy Carter who stole the show when he did a ventriloquist act with a dummy that looked just like his daughter Amy.

Jane Curtin: And now with more news about the recent new administration, here is correspondent Laraine Newman. Laraine?

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to Lillian Carter outdoors ]

Laraine Newman: Thanks, Jane. I’m talking with Lillian Carter, the mother of our new president. Miss Lilly, what’s it like to be our new First Mother?

Lillian Carter: Oh, it’s just wonderful! It truly is. Everyone is so nice to me, especially Jimmy. You know, when he was just a little boy, I told him, “Jimmy..” – I always called him Jimmy, ever since he was a little boy, and that is why I was so happy when he kept Jimmy.

Laraine Newman: Uh, you mean that when he took the oath of office as Jimmy Carter instead of James Earl Carter, you were glad about that?

Lillian Carter: That’s right. And, like I was saying, when Jimmy was a little boy, I said to him, “Jimmy, don’t you ever tell a lie?” And, you know what, he just looked up at me, and he said, “Mama, I won’t ever tell a lie.”

Laraine Newman: [ phony laugh ] Well.. when did you think your son might become President?

Lillian Carter: It was at that very moment. I said to myself, “Lilly” – uh, I never called myself “Miss Lilly”, you know – I said to myself, “Lilly, if he can sell that crap to his own mother, he can even be President..

Laraine Newman: Back to you, Jane.

The entire population of Plains, Georgia spent the night after the inauguration in the Lincoln Bedroom in the White House. It was reported that they all slept in the famous Lincoln bed, except Billy Carter who slept under it.

Reacting to the experience, Billy reportedly commented, “Burp!”

Tragedy this week, when two masked men wielding shotguns entered a New York luncheonette, made the proprieter and customers strip naked and lie facedown on the floor, killed an innocent bystander and made off with two cups of coffee that had a street value of $6,000. More on this story as it develops.

Prime Minister Indira Gandhi announced that India’s long-awaited general elections will be held in March. The Prime Minister, who despotically opposed press and domestic censorship on her people, feels that this is important to a democracy, and elections in March will mark the dawn of a new Democratic era for India.

Oh, this just in. Prime Minister Indira Gandhi has just announced that she has won the genereal election to be held next March.

Still to come: Zero Mostel blows Jack Gilford’s nose. After this message.

[ cut to Crazy Frank. ]

Jane Curtin: Well, it doesn’t happen very often, but “Weekend Update” would like to correct a mistake made in one of our news items last week. In a profile of General William C. Westmoreland, we inadvertently reported that he is a member of the Manson Family. Well, we stand corrected.

And now, with this week’s editorial reply is correspondent Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: Hi. Thank you very much, Jane.

Jane Curtin: What brilliant topic are you going to comment on tonight, Emily?

Emily Litella: Nothing.

Jane Curtin: Excuse me?

Emily Litella: Well, I.. I couldn’t think of anything to say this week. I mean, nothing got my goat.

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella, let’s get something straight. Being a newscaster goes beyond personal feelings. You have a journalistic responsibility to this station, and to the people who watch it.

Emily Litella: Well, uh.. Miss Curtin, in my opinion, there’s very little happening.

Jane Curtin: Just pick up a newspaper! France just got rid of a terrorist, we just had elections..!

Emily Litella: I was just..

Jane Curtin: You’re very irresponsible, Miss Litella, and, as a matter of fact, if it were up to me, you wouldn’t have this job right now. you’re not fit to be a newscaster.

Emily Litella: Oh, dear, well.. there’s no reason to be so upset. I mean, you seem very cranky tonight. Is it that time, dear?

Jane Curtin: No, it is not! And, if it was, it would be done of your business, anyway! [ pause ] Miss Litella, I think we’ve spent enough airtime with this issue, and I just think that, from now on, you should try to do your best, okay?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes, dear, I’m very, very sorry, and I promise from now on that I will do my best.

Jane Curtin: See that you do.

Emily Litella: Bitch.

Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 29th, 1977

Fran Tarkenton

Leo Sayer

Donny Harper Singers

None

None

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Jim Downey

Howard Shore

Tom Schiller

Anne Beatts

Rosie Shuster

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Alan Zweibel

Neil Levy

Joe Dicso

Mitchell Laurance

Edie Baskin
Team Saturday NightSummary: A recuperating John Belushi coaches Fran Tarkenton and the cast on the play-by-play strategy for tonight’s show.

Transcript

Montage

Fran Tarkenton’s MonologueSummary: Fran Tarkenton sings “Feelings”, as Lee Whitehead (Bill Murray) provides the running commentary on the action.

Transcript

Rovco’s Swiss Army GunSummary: Rovco’s pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) shows multiple purposes of their new combat tool.

Amy Carter In SchoolSummary: Secret Service agents (Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd) help Amy Carter (Laraine Newman) cheat on a school quiz and deal with tattletale schoolmate (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Amy Carter.

Transcript

Sports InjurySummary: Coach John Belushi criticizes a fumble made by a player (Dan Aykroyd) who lost his arm during the tackle.

Transcript

Leo Sayer performs “When I Need You”Lyrics

Black PerspectiveSummary: Fran Tarkenton discusses the stereotype of black quarterbacks with Garrett Morris.

Transcript

Alsatian RestaurantSummary: A couple (Bill Murray, Jane Curtin) enjoy their dinner date at an exclusive home restaurant run by Victor (Dan Aykroyd), his wife Elena (Gilda Radner), and their daughter Francine (Laraine Newman). Tonight’s menu comes served with a side of domestic strife.

Transcript

Sugar-Coated Anabolic SteroidsSummary: The cereal that provides Fran Tarkenton with the strength he needs.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Infuriated by comparisons to Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin rips her blouse open to expose her bra. Silent film footage documents testing of a new cruise missile.

Transcript

Community AppealSummary: Fran Tarkenton thanks viewers for the donations that have helped put a drugged-up John Belushi back to work.

Transcript

Hotel SketchSummary: Fran Tarkenton calls time-out during a hotel sketch to confer with coach John Belushi as to how best to get Laraine Newman’s character into bed.

Transcript

Grand StandSummary: At halftime, Lee Whitehead (Bill Murray) and Bryant Gumbo (Garrett Morris) interview Fran Tarkenton about his hosting performance so far.

Transcript

Leo Sayer performs “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing”Lyrics

Small WorldsSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, natural habitats are duplicated in a pet store.

French LiquidSummary: A line of women in pursuit of the same perfume smell different from one another after using it.

Transcript

Donny Harper Singers perform “Sing a Song”

Credit Card CounselingSummary: Rhonda Weiss (Gilda Radner) and her friend Barbara (Jane curtin) one-up one another while discussing Rhonda’s credit card bill.

Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Barbara.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Amy Carter In School

Teacher…..Jane Curtin
Heather…..Gilda Radner
Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman
Secret Service Agent #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Secret Service Agent #2…..Bill Murray
Black Student…..Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, grade school classroom ]

Teacher: Alright, class, is everyone ready for our morning quiz?

Class: Yes, Miss Branshat!!

Teacher: Good.

[ Secret Service agents enter classroom, and make sure everything is in order. They open the door and let Amy Carter in. ]

Hello, Amy. You’re late again. Take your seat, Amy.

Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry. The limosine got stuck in traffic.

Teacher: You could have used your flashers! Now.. [ agents continue to scope the room before allowing Amy to take her seat ] ..settle down, boys. We’re gonna have an American History quiz this morning. now, who would like to tell me why we have quizzes?

Heather: Pick me! Pick me, Miss Branshat!

Teacher: Alright, Heather Thurman. You tell us.

Heather: We take quizzes to show what we know, not what we don’t know.

Teacher: That’s right, yes that’s very good! Alright, pupils, tablets ready. Now, in your best penmanship, write down the answers to these questions. Alright. Who is our new President?

Secret Service Agent #1: [ chuckles ] She should get that one!

Secret Service Agent #2: Yeah!

Teacher: Okay, now. Who was our first President? [ Amy answers the question, her agents look on ] Who was the President during the Civil War?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln.

Black Student: [ looks up and points to his quiz sheet ] I know it!

Teacher: Okay. Who was the President during the War of 1812?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispers ] Madison. James Madison.

Teacher: Alright. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?

[ Amy doesn’t appear to know the answer ]

Secret Service Agent #2: [ looks at Heather’s paper, whispers the answer ] The pilgrims.. came to America.. to escape.. religious persecution. ..S-E-C-U-T-I-O-N.

Heather: [ notices the agent looking at her answers ] Miss Branshat, Miss Branshat! Amy’s cheating!

Amy Carter: I am not!

Heather: You are, too!

Amy Carter: I am not!

Heather: You are, too!

[ Sensing a security violation, the Secret Service agents quickly stuff Heather into her desk and pound on the top. Miss Branshat intercedes. ]

Secret Service Agent #1: Sorry, Miss Branshat, it won’t happen again.

Teacher: Well, just see that it doesn’t! Settle down, Heather. Alright, next question – and no copying this time! Compare and contrast the Jeffersonian and Jacksonian democracy in relation to the reformist movement of 1834.

[ Amy turns to her Secret Service agents, but they slowly back away and exit the classroom ]

Secret Service Agent #1: I don’t really know that one..

Secret Service Agent #2: No..

[ zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Obscene Hog-Calling Contest” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 13

76m: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

Community Appeal

…..Fran Tarkenton
…..John Belushi

[ open on footage of Fran Tarketon on the field, as his live head shot appears in the upper right corner ]

Fran Tarkenton: Hi, I’m Fran Tarkenton. [ Tarkenton fumbles in the play footage ] That was a great moment for me.

[ corner pulls out to reveal John Belushi, dressed as a boy scout, seated beside Tarkenton ]

Fran Tarkenton: And this was another great moment. [ puts his arm around Belushi ] This is John Belushi. Until recently, John was an actor of some promise. Then drugs destroyed his mind. But your dillars have helped. Through care and dedication, John has been rehabilitated to the point where he… sees shadows, and can name three countries. Go ahead, John.

John Belushi: Belgium… Belgium… and Kansas City…

Fran Tarkenton: Good boy. Now, tell the people about the special program they put you on.

John Belushi: First, I get up in the morning and I get my shot. Then, they put me on a special bus. And — [ he jerks around suddenly to glance over his shoulder ] And, then they take me to a park that has a rubber wall. Then, I see a film. And, on Sunday, I have milk.

Fran Tarkenton: Good boy, John, good boy. Community Appeal. [ the title slide appears over them ] Thanks to you… he’s working.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts