Bryant Gumbo…..Garrett Morris Lee Whitehead…..Bill Murray …..Fran Tarketon Conductor…..Howard Shore
[ open on “Grand Stand” logo ]
[ pan out to reveal Lee Whitehead and Bryant Gumbo seated at the sportsdesk ]
Lee Whitehead: Well, it’s, uh — it’s certainly been an exciting first half of comedy, here in the RCA Building. Hello, I’m Lee Whitehead.
Bryant Gumbo: And I’m Bryant Gumbo. We’ll have some of the first half highlights with Fran Tarkenton, after this message.
[ dissolve to repeat of “Wrigley’s Gum” ad parody from Season 1 ]
Bryant Gumbo: Hello, welcome back to “Grand Stand”. We’re talking with Fran Tarkenton, host for “Saturday Night”.
Lee Whitehead: Fran, uh, you had a pretty good first half — you completed 11 out of 16 jokes, for a total of 97 laughs. Now, uh, some of the jokes have been pretty hard-hitting — do you think this is a dirty show? [ no response from Tarkenton ] Well, it appears that, uh, Fran cannot hear us. We’ll have that interview in just a few moments. But, first — let’s take a look at the “Saturday Night” blimp, uh, which is now above the studio.
[ cut to a close-up of the blimp above the audience, pan out for long shot ]
Lee Whitehead V/O: And, uh, the blimp, of course, is just a small part of the amazing technological hook-ups which bring us “Saturday Night Live.”
[ return to Lee and Bryant at the desk ]
Bryant Gumbo: Uh, excuse me — excuse me, Lee, I think Fran can hear us now. Is that correct, Fran?
Lee Whitehead: Uh, we’ve got Fran here. Hello, Fran? Fran? [ Tarkenton just grins like an idiot, unable to hear either of the sports anchors ] Well, I guess we’re not ready yet for that interview with Fran Tarkenton.
Bryant Gumbo: Yeah, yeah. And while we wait, uh, let’s look at some highlights from a show that is already in progress on ABC. Their late night movie is “That’s Entertainment, Part 10”. Uh, it has an exciting scene from “EVery Man’s House”.
[ cut to black-and-white film footage, with SUPER: “In Progress On ABC” ]
[ a man sings “It’s… A… Big… Wide… Wonderful World…” to a bird in his hand, while his wife brings coffee and they sit at the table ]
[ return to Lee and Bryant at the desk ]
Lee Whitehead: And, of course, we’ll be keeping you posted on the development in that show. Uh, I understand that, uh, FRan can hear us now. So, Fran, is that right? Can you hear us? Hello, buddy. [ no response from Tarkenton, who just smiles dumbly on the monitor ] Well… so, uh, Fran can’t hear us! So, let’s take it down to the floor — Howard Shore and his band, for some of that Half Time pageantry!
[ cut to a marching band playing on the field, as the Conductor steps forward and climbs a ladder before them ]
Announcer: And now, the White Plains Marching Band… saluting blind, non-white American composers! To begin our tribute, the band will perform… “You Are the Sunshine of My Life… while forming a pair of giant sunglasses in the c of the field.
[ the band stumbles about in an effort to form the shape ]
[ return to Lee and Bryant at the desk, in mid-interview ]
Lee Whitehead: — a hard-hitting show. Do you think this is a dirty show, Fran?
Fran Tarkenton: Uh, no, I don’t think so. I — I think it’s good, clean comedy. You know, no one’s taking any cheap shots out there, except, maybe, that Stevie Wonder joke we just heard.
Bryant Gumbo: I — I hope Stevie’s not hurt, speaking of cheap shots. Uh, when Don Meredith announced during the Superbowl that you were going to host “Saturday Night” — you know? — he said you were going a long way with no talent. Uh, what do you think about that?
Fran Tarkenton: Uh, well, Lee — [ he laughs ], I’m not a vicious kind of guy, but, you know, there are three quarterbacks in the NFL who are gay, and… when Don was playing, there were four!
Bryant Gumbo: Okay, Fran, uh — [ he coughs ] Let’s take a look at some highlights from, uh, the first half.
[ show slow-motion footage from the Monologue ]
Bryan Gumbo V/O: Now, uh, this was early on in the show, and I think it was your first big laugh.
Fran Tarkenton V/O: Yes, I-I’d say this was definitely the turning point of the first quarter. John Belushi, he set me up just beautifully, and I went in for the laugh untouched.
Bryan Gumbo V/O: Yeah, uh —
Lee Whitehead V/O: Now, why don’t you tell us what’s happening in this scene, here —
[ show slow-motion footage from the Steroids ad parody ]
Lee Whitehead V/O: Right here.
Fran Tarkenton V/O: Well, now, I’m getting the time to get my jokes off, and I-I’m connecting with the audience, and I hope to do a lot more of that before the show’s over.
Lee Whitehead V/O: Terrific steroid bit, if I must say so. You look pretty good here, uh, no question about it. This next piece of tape we’re gonna see here, uh —
[ show slow-motion footage from the Hotel sketch ]
Lee Whitehead V/O: Oh, yeah, you look REAL good here! Now, you want to tell us what kind of condition you have to be in to pull this one off?
Fran Tarkenton V/O: Well, yeah, I think condition’s a big factor, and that’s why the show is so funny tonight. [ he chuckles heartily ]
[ return to Lee and Bryant at the desk ]
Well, thank you, Fran, and that’s all the highlights. And we hope you’ll continue to be funny for us in the second half, or else — [ he mimes cutting his throat ]
Fran Tarkenton: Well, thank you, Lee and Bryant, and, uh —
Lee Whitehead: Thank you, Bryant, for providing the color!
[ they all augh uproariously at the joke ]
[ the credits begin to scroll ]
Announcer: The preceding broadcast is the property of the National Comedy League. Any reproduction or rebroadcast, without the expressed written consent of the NLC, is strictly prohibited by common sense.
[ open on Fran Tarkenton showing Alice into his hotel room ]
Alice: Ohhh, so this is your room?
Fran Tarkenton: [ as he helps to remove her jacket ] Yeah… [ he chuckles ] Uh, Room 411. My last night here.
Alice: Wow! [ she sits on the edge of the bed ] It’s really incredible running into you after the Superbowl, you know? I mean, it was outrageous! I thought to myself: “Fran Tarkenton, in this bar, all alone, with all that energy to be spent!”
Fran Tarkenton: [ he laughs as he sits next to her ] Yeah, well — uh, you know, I’m beat. uh — I’m about ready to crash…
Alice: Really? I could talk ALL night, man! Did I ever tell you –? [ stops herself ] No, I couldn’t have, we just met. About, when I was in the fourth grade, you know? And this girl, Jean Romberg, had a fly on her, you know? And, like, it really blew my mind, but she didn’t know it, man! And I thought, “Well, if I had a fly on me, I would know it, you know? And, like, that’s when I realized that I saw things and felt things on a much deeper level than most people.
Fran Tarkenton: [ nods his head wearily, then jumps to his feet ] Uh — TIME OUT! TIME OUT!
[ a Referee runs onto the set and stops the scene, as Tarkenton runs off the set to join the Coach on the sidelines. A waterboy joins in offering comfort to Tarkenton. ]
[ Lee Whitehead appears in a circle on the left side of the screen ]
Lee Whitehead: Well, it looks like Tark has called Time Out, uh — he’s heading to the sidelines to talk over the situation with Coach John Belushi. You know, Belushi’s kind of an even-tempered, kind of a stoic kind of a guy. But he’s got one of the winningest records in the entire network, so he’s the kind of guy you’re not — you’re not gonna let loose. That’s the kind of guy you’re gonna pay a lot of attention of —
[ Tarkenton begins to return toward the set ]
It looks like they’re deciding on some kind of a — some kind of a plan of action over there, but, uh —
[ Tarkenton turns and returns to the Coach’s side ]
No, wait a second… it looks like he’s going BACK to the sidelines. Apparently, they’re gonna double-check on something. You don’t want to have any kind of miscommunication at this stage. Uh, certainly you want to make sure that there’s no misinformation on anything that’s going on. You know — Tark, they call him the “Little Viking”, but it just so happens that he’s got a huge, huge Oldsmobile that he loves to drive around, just run it into parking meters! It’s a funny story. [ he laughs ] But we can’t tell it now.
[ Tarkenton runs back toward the set ]
He seems to be confident now, and he’s running back for his next move.
[ Referee blows his whistle, then steps off-camera as the scene continues ]
Fran Tarkenton: How about a drink?
Alice: Oh, thank you!
[ Tarkenton jumps over to the minibar and fixes her a quick drink as she brushes her hair ]
Alice: You know, it’s really weird the way hair collects in my hairbrush…
Fran Tarkenton: Yeah, uh… yeah, uh… [ he dims the lights ] There, that’s uh — that’s better.
[ Tarkenton runs over to the nightstand and begins to undo his tie ]
Alice: Like, maybe you’ve never thought of it this way, bu,t like… fottball’s such a territorial thing. I perceive it as a very male thing.
Fran Tarkenton: Yeah, uh — [ he chuckles ] Yeah, it gets pretty rough out there!
Alice: Oh, I HATE violence — I really hate it. I mean, I’m sooo sensitive, you know? And, you know, a lot of women don’t like me. I mean, you can understand why. [ Tarkenton sits on the bed ] And, like, it really depresses me. I mean, sometimes I would like to take a razor blade and slice up my face.
Fran Tarkenton: Uh — [ he chuckles ] Yeah. Um, you mind if I lie down?
Alice: Oh, outrageous! [ Tarkenton lies down across the bed ] I had this premonition of me unfolding in front of you like a flower while you were lying down! [ she lies next to him ]
Fran Tarkenton: [ excited ] Oh, far out, man!
Alice: Fran, does it ever bother you that you’re called “Fran”? I mean, you know about, in that song, “A Boy Named Sue”? Well, like, I was thinking: if you have a son, you’ll name him “Bob” or “George” or “Frank” — anything but “Fran”.
Fran Tarkenton: Uh — you like music, huh? Uh, I’ve got my cassette player with me here. Uh —
[ he reaches over to the nightstand and turns his cassette player on ]
Voice of Bob Dylan: “Lay, lady, lay… lay across my big brass bed…”
Alice: Oh, wow! I just KNEW you’d be into Dylan! You know, I am so psychic that it’s frightening!
Fran Tarkenton: [ rubbing his back ] Uh, my back’s a bit sore — I think I’ll start up the Magic Fingers here. [ he turns on the massaging device connected to the bed, as it begins to vibrate ]
Alice: Fran? Why do they call you “The Scrambler”?
Fran Tarkenton: [ he chuckles ] I don’t know. I guess ’cause I scramble around a lot!
Alice: [ solemnly ] Tell me about Joe Namath’s —
[ Tarkenton climbs out of bed, throws on his robe, and stomps off of the set towards the Coach standing on the sidelines, as the Referee blows his whistle ]
[ Lee Whitehead appears in a circle on the left side of the screen ]
Lee Whitehead: Well, with only a few seconds remaining, Tark has stepped out-of-bounds and stopped the clock. Uh, once again, he’s conferring with Coach John Belushi, uh — gonna see if he can put some scoring, maybe on the clock’s score, just before the clock runs out, here on the first half. Uh, you know, it’s a real psychological defeat to go all the way down, and get this far, and not score. But, uh, Tarkenton’s a pro, he’s been there before, he’s the kind of guy who hits and hits hard and keeps coming — you know what I’m talking about, ladies and gentlemen! He’s the kind of guy who goes once, twice, three times, and the kind of guy who likes to come back late from practice, if you know what I’m talking about.
[ Tarkenton runs back onto the set ]
Back to the action!
[ Tarkenton removes his shirt and jumps into the bed, as the Referee blows his whistle ]
[ 0008 seconds remain on the clock ]
Fran Tarkenton: Alice?
Alice: What, Fran?
Fran Tarkenton: Uh, want to go to bed?
Alice: Sure!
[ as the seconds wind down to 0000, Alice climbs on top of Tarkenton ]
[ a gun fires, ending the scene ]
[ Tarkenton and Laraine hop out of bed and run off the set to the sidelines, as Team Saturday Night retreats for Halftime ]
[ open on couple sitting at a table in an in-house restaurant ]
Man: How’s the drink?
Woman: Strong. But it’s really good. And they actually live here?
Man: Mmm-hmm. The Vice-President of DataCorp, Bill Holding, told me about this place, a man and his wife turn their own home into a restaurant three nights a week. It got a four-star rating in Food Map magazine.
Woman: Oh, wow!
Man: They said it was real expensive, but I made reservations two months in advance, because you’re worth it.
[ laughs ]
[ Husband enters dressed as waiter ]
Husband: Is everything satisfactory?
Man: Oh, yes, everything is great!
Woman: And you have a lovely home!
Husband: Oh, thank you, thank you very much. You know, it is our pleasure to serve you, and extend the hospitality of the region of Alsace to you here in America, at Maison Alsace American. This is my wife, Ellen, she will assist me in preparing the meal for you tonight, and making you feel at home in our home. This is our home, as you know. I am the cook, I would like to tell you – I told you a ittle bit about it on the phone when I confirmed your reservation. What we are going to have for you tonight, exclusively for you. As you know, this is our home. I cook only three nights a week, for only one couple. This week I have chosen you. This way we can serve you exclusively, and give you our full hospitality. Now, tonight, for you, I have supper from the Alsace region of France. You will have, to start, Pate de Foie Gras. A soup made from leeks and tomatoes..
Wife: Excuse me, Maitre? The tomatoes are not as fresh as the red peppers.
Husband: We will be using the tomatoes in the soup, they are perfect for the soup. As I have said before – I am the cook, this is my home.
Wife: If you will excuse me. [ exits to kitchen ]
Husband: And, we will have, for you, some Quiche Lorraine with Apple, and you will have Les Cotelettes D’agneau, lamb chops, with green beans, Haricot Vert we say, and candied carrots and a little sauce on that, for you. We have the Patisserie for dessert, and the wine will be a red Alsatian wine, 1968 vintage. Does that sound good to you?
Woman: Oh, that sounds really good!
Husband: Alright, and for your entertainment pleasure, our daughter Francine will play the recorder for you. I come back. I hope you enjoy. Please. [ exits to kitchen ]
[ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife can be heard yelling and screaming in the kitchen ]
[ Husband re-enters with the soups ]
Wife: And, for you now, the soup.. and the Pate.. for your pleasure.
Husband: And, the wine. I hope you enjoy it, vintage 1968, from the Alsace region.
Wife: Right. Please, enjoy yourselves, we are only here to serve you, you should have a lovely time.
Woman: Oh, I’m sure we will!
Husband: And, for you. I am glad you enjoy it, it is a very good wine, and we have more downstairs for you. Alright. And, for your entertainment pleasure – Francine – our daughter Francine will play, for you, the recorder. [ exits to kitchen ]
[ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, crashing noises can also be heard ]
[ Husband re-enters with main course ]
Husband: And, for you now, the main course, which is, of course, Les Cotelettes D’agneau, with the small mint sauce on it, for you. Excuse me, I hope you enjoy it. Les Haricots-Verts. And a small light sauce on the carrots.
Man: Are you okay?
Husband: It’s nothing. I drop a plate.
Woman: The soup was delicious!
Husband: Soup is very good, I’m glad you enjoy it. Please enjoy your meal, please feel free to be at home in our home. And, for your entertainment pleasure now, Francine, our daughter, will play, for you, the recorder. Please enjoy. [ exits to kitchen ]
[ Daughter plays the recorder, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, banging things up terribly ]
Daughter: [ screams ] Please!! I cannot take it any longer!! You must help me, I am in trouble!! I have to go to Colorado to see my boyfriend!! All I need is $35 more for the bus, oh please!!
[ Wife stumbles out of the kitchen ]
Wife: When you are through with your meal, the Patisserie – eclair, eclair – for later. Are you enjoying your meal, is everything satisfactory?
Woman: Delicious!
Wife: Oh! And now, for your enjoyment, our daughter Francine will play the recorder. [ exits to kitchen ]
[ Daughter plays the recorder badly, as Husband and Wife continue to yell and scream in the kitchen, ruckus heightening ]
Daughter: [ screams ] Oh, please!! All I need is $35!! If you have $20, please give it to me!!
[ Man slips Daughter a $20 bill as Husband re-enters the room ]
Husband: I hope you are enjoying the meal.
Man: Great!
Husband: Myself, for myself – and I speak for myself – I am having some trouble in the kitchen. Having some trouble with, you say, La Four, the stove, the oven is giving us some troubles tonight. How are your carrots? Good for you tonight? Oh, not as good as last week, because my wife does not know how to prepare a sauce, you see? These carrots are not as good as last week! She is so stupid sometimes! So stupid, my wife! Sometimes – yes, my wife!
[ Wife stabs Husband in the back, piercing the bill with the knife ]
Wife: And here.. the check. But do not rush. Sit, enjoy your meal, take as much time as you like. And, for your listening pleasure,Francine will always play. Thank you! [ exits to kitchen ]
Man: [ looks at the check, smiles ] Hey, now that is not bad at all!
Gilda Radner: Hi, everybody. I’m Gilda Radner. As it turns out, this week I have very, very little to do in the show. I mean, uh.. it isn’t anybody’s fault, it just turned out that way. So, uh.. they said I could come out here and say “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night..”
[ dissolve to opening montage and theme music ]
Hold it! Hold it! Wait a minute!
[ cut back to Gilda ]
Hold it! Wait a minute!
[ music stops ]
Hold it a minute! Now, I was supposed to be in this scene, okay? Where I was Joey Hetherton in the locker room of the Minnesota Vikings. But it got cut. Now, it went over great in dress rehearsal, you know..
[ SUPER: “Actually, we’re phasing Gilda out.” ]
..and I thought it was pretty funny, but it got cut..
[ SUPER: “She doesn’t know it. But this is her last show.” ]
Alright? It just got cut!
[ SUPER: “She was getting suspicious.” ]
You know.. sometimes it just feels like the whole world is ganging up on me..
[ SUPER: “But we told her she was just being paranoid.” ]
I mean, the other girls got featured a lot in the show. I mean, Jane does “Update” – I mean, she does it really well.. anybody can read. As a matter of fact, I majored in Oral Interpretation in college. Anyway, I just wanted to say, if you watch “Saturday Night” particularly to see me.. I won’t be on that much. I mean, you might as well forget it, you know? I’ll be in the background a couple of times, you know, and, uh.. but if you’re a big fan of mine, I would just turn it off – and, Mom, you can go to sleep, okay? I’m.. big deal. Really big deal. Peanuts! I mean, they said I could open the show. Okay. [ throws her arms in the air ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Jodie Foster: Thank you. I just wanted to say that, uh, this is the BEST audience I’ve ever had, because I’ve never had a real audience — but you were great, anyway! Don’t worry! Uh — also, I’d like to thank Hilda Radar — no, no, just kidding! Uh — gee, I don’t know what to say, I’m supposed to fill space. I guess I’m supposed to say Hello to all the people I know, but I don’t know many people, so… here’s John Belushi, and Gilda…
[ the cast climbs onto Home Base and joins Jodie Foster ]
Don Pardo V/O: Mr. Mike was played by Michael O’Donoghue. The Gary Weis film was made at Learning Environment for Children in New York. Next Saturday night, watch “NBC’s Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. We’ll be back in two weeks, on December 11th, when “Saturday Night”‘s host will be Candice Bergen, with musical guest Frank Zappa. And now, entering the second fifty years, this is the voice of the old dinosaur, Don Pardo, making the airwaves a far, far better place… and saying, “Good Night.”
Gate Agent … Laraine Newman Businessman … Garrett Morris Passenger … Dan Aykroyd Security Guard … Brian Wilson Tin Woodsman … Alan Zweibel
[A thin blonde woman picks her teeth as a man in abusiness suit approaches.]
Woman: Ticket, please. [the businessman hands her histicket] Put your hand luggage on the counter and stepthrough, please.
[The businessman impatiently puts his briefcase on anearby counter and we realize we are at an airportboarding gate: the woman is a gate agent. In thebackground, a bearded, uniformed security guard standsbefore a sign reading: Trans American Airlines. Thebusinessman steps through a metal detector and setsoff a loud beeping alarm.]
Gate Agent: Step on back, sir. [the businessman comesback] Empty all metal objects into the tray and liftyour arms, please. [the businessman empties hispockets into a tray on the nearby counter: a set ofkeys on a key ring. He raises his arms and the gateagent passes a hand-held metal detecting wand over historso. The wand does not beep.]
Gate Agent: Okay. Take your things. [the businessmantakes his keys and the gate agent hands him hisbriefcase and ticket] Step right on through, sir.
[Shaking his head in disbelief at this waste of hisvaluable time, the businessman walks through the largemetal detector and exits as the gate agent turns tothe next passenger, a man in a trench coat and wool cap.]
Gate Agent: Ticket, please. [passenger hands her histicket] Put your hand luggage on the counter, please.[passenger puts a bag on the counter, the securityguard rifles through it] Step through, please.[passenger walks through the large metal detectorwhich beeps loudly] Step right back here, sir.[passenger returns] Please empty all metal objectsinto the metal tray and lift your arms. [passengerputs his watch, a ring, and a metal tie clip into thetray and lifts his arms. The gate agent passes thewand over his body. It makes a weird beeping sound.]You still have metal on you somewhere, sir.
Passenger: Okay! Okay, I’ve got some keys and, uh, Ihave a knife. [pulls a set of keys and a pocketknifefrom his pocket and drops them in the tray]
Gate Agent: Okay, lift your arms, please. [passengerraises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beepsweirdly] I’m sorry, sir, you still have some metal on you.
Passenger: All right. Okay, okay, fine, fine, fine.[pulls more metal items from pockets and drops them intray, quickly the tray overflows and the items spillonto the counter] I got it. Don’t– [more small itemsbut then increasingly larger ones] I know, I know.You’re just doing your job. I know.
Gate Agent: That’s right, sir.
[Now, the passenger holds the pocket of his trenchcoat over the counter and metal objects noisily pourout of it — the counter and floor are littered withnuts, bolts, keys, silverware, etc. The passengercontinues to pull out larger and larger objects hiddenabout his person: square metal plates, a wrench, a bigvise. Finally, he finishes and gestures to the gateagent.]
Gate Agent: Lift your arms, please. [passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, it beeps weirdly, gate agent gets annoyed] I’m sorry, I’m still getting a beep.
Passenger: [upset and angry] OKAY!!! [strips off histrenchcoat and lets it fall to the floor] You peopleare always so thorough! But when something REALLYhappens — [pulls off his necktie] when you’re REALLYneeded — you’re the LAST ONES TO KNOW ABOUT IT![strips off his shirt to reveal a metal collarpadlocked to his neck with chains running from thecollar down his bare torso – he tries to remove thecollar but his shirt gets in the way – he fumbles withthe shirt then frustratedly gives up on the collar -petulantly] I can’t take my collar off today! [thegate agent helpfully picks up a key from the floor andgives it to him but he takes it and throws it down onthe counter] That’s not the key. That’s another one! ILOVE METAL! I NEED METAL!
Gate Agent: You should have thought of that when yougot dressed. Okay, sir.
Passenger: Can I go?!
Gate Agent: [sighs] Lift your arms one more time.[passenger raises his arms, gate agent passes wand, itbeeps weirdly – the gate agent and passenger stare atone another silently for a moment, then:]
Passenger: ALL RIIIIIGHT! [pulls off his wool cap toreveal a solid metal cap molded to fit his head, hepulls it off with an effort and puts it on thecounter]
Gate Agent: [finally satisfied] All right, sir. Takeyour things.
[Passenger picks his trenchcoat up from the floor anduses it to collect most of the metal objects from thecounter. Hunched over, his arms full of metal wrappedin the trenchcoat, he exits.]
Gate Agent: [deep sigh, hand on hip, gesturing to thedeparting passenger, speaking to no one in particular]Sometimes it’s like they make it hard on me onpurpose. [turns to the next passenger] Ticket, please.[the next passenger turns out to be the Tin Woodsmanfrom the 1939 film version of “The Wizard of Oz” – hehands her his ticket] Oh! Thank you, Tin Woodsman! Goright on through. [The Tin Woodsman passes through themetal detector and, of course, sets it off – he turnsto the gate agent who waves him on] Oh, go ahead, TinWoodsman, it’s all right. [The Tin Woodsman nods andexits – the gate agent turns to other passengers]
Security Guard: [to himself] The Tin Woodsman? Thatwas the Tin Woodsman? I should have asked him for hisautograph.
Jodie Foster: Thank you! No, I’m not Miss Teenage America! You know, it’s really a special honor to be here tonight, because I’m the youngest host “Saturday Night”‘s ever had, but nobody here has treated me like a kid or anything. They’ve all assured me that, even though I’m only 14, I’m still exactly the same as every other host.
Like, I was told, for example, Raquel Welch also drank her milk out of a Flintstone’s glass. Everyone says that Desi Arnez, he got paid the same way I’m being paid – not in one lump sum, but in a weekly allowance of $5, which he got every Saturday morning, unless he forgot to make his bed. And there was one more thing I was told repeatedly by everyone here, that Elliot Gould’s cue cards were exactly like mine.
[ show Cue Card Man holding up cue card with picture of a cat and the word “CAT” written on it ]
So, I feel really comfortable in the role of “Saturday Night” host, except for one thing. Well, the show has started late tonight, but, just like all the other hosts whose shows started late, I brought a note from home to explain. [ pulls note out pocket ] I’ve got it right here – it’s Snoopy, see? [ reads ] “Dear ‘Saturday Night’ audience: Please excuse Jodie’s tardiness tonight, as the doctor said she had to watch Miss Teen America all the way to the end, or she would die. Signed: Jodie’s Mother.”
Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue …..Jodie Foster
[ open on Mr. Mike sitting solemnly in his director’s chair – Jodie Fosterruns up ]
Jodie Foster: Oh, Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike! Please tell me aLeast-Loved Bedtime Story!
Mr. Mike: Well, sure thing, you little imp! Just hop up here onmy knee, and I’ll tell you the story of “The Little Train That Died”.
[ Jodie hops up ]
Okay, now.. “One time, there was a little train who hadto pull a giant load of scrap metal up the mountain. He had never pulled such a heavy load in his life, and so when he left the valley, his little wheels said, ‘I hope I can. I hope I can. I hope I can. I hope I can.’ But, before long, he picked up speed and his little wheels said, ‘I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.’ Soon, the little train was whizzing right up the mountain, and now the wheels said, ‘I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! I know I can! Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack! Heart attack! Oh, my God, the pain! Oh, my God, the pain! Oh, my God, the pain! I left my pills in the roundhouse!! I left my pills in the roundhouse!!‘ And he died.
Now, normally, little Jodie, that would be the end of the story,but the little train was on the mountain – on an incline – and it began to roll backwards, slowly at first, of course.. but it got faster and faster, until he was just barreling down the mountain, his wheels just barely on the tracks.. of course, he didn’t say anything this time, because he was dead. Now, in the valley, who should be sitting on the tracks – Freddy the Frog, and wouldn’t you know? He’s facing the wrong way, so he never sees the train coming at him at 180 miles an hour. Fortunately, Freddy hops off the tracks just in time, and the train misses him, hitting, instead, a school bus, killing 150 – no one over the age of 9. Now, when the state police arrive at the scene, one of them looks around at the carnage and grizzly mutilation spots and says, “You know, it’s wrong that so many human beings should be dead, and this frog should still be alive. And so, they beat him to death with a softball bat. The end.”
Jodie Foster: Oh, Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike, that was the besttale I ever heard!
Mr. Mike: Well, you know, Jodie, I have a lot more where thatcame from.. [ to audience ] ..uh, goodnight! [ to Jodie ] Have you heard the one about the penguin, the soapdish, and invisible cowgirl? Well, it seems that..
[ fade to black as Mr. Mike tells the story in private ]
[ open in the middle of an argument between black husband and his white wife ]
Husband: [ filling up a glass of something strong ] What could be that awful that you can’t even say it?
Wife: Well, it’s.. it’s.. just that you’ve always trusted me.. married six years, and you’ve never had any reason to doubt me..
Husband: Oh, God! [ sits down next to her ] For God’s sake, just say it! Say it!
Wife: Okay. It is 1976, and we’re both modern people..
Husband: [ groaning ] Plea-ea-ease..
Wife: Richard, nothing’s gonna change. I’m still gonna be the same woman I was..
Husband: What is it?
Wife: [ reluctant ] I’m not black.
Husband: [ stunned ] What?
Wife: I’m not black!
Husband: [ greatly confused ] But.. but the very first night we met, your first words to me: “Boy, it sure is fun being Negro!”
Wife: So I said it, so what? Nobody means what they say in those singles bars!
Husband: But what about all that stuff about how you’re constantly being mistaken for Diana Ross?
Wife: You agreed with me! You even said I had to gain weight!
Husband: And I guess your real name isn’t really Jemima, is it?
Wife: That part was true.
Husband: Well, thanks for the intro. You know, when you’re married to someone, it’s always nice to know their name.
Wife: You know, it’s funny.. I never thought I’d have to tell you. I always thought that you knew, somehow..
Husband: Well, how could I? You kept it so well hidden.
Wife: But there were clues! So many times, I thought you’d guess. Like that time you caught me with my family portrait and all those crayons?
Husband: Well..
Wife: And the time you saw my birth certificate with the word “Not” penciled in above “Caucasian”?
Husband: Well..
Wife: And, then there’s my fear of Sickle Cell Anemia.
Husband: What about it?
Wife: I have no fear of Sickle Cell Anemia!
Husband: Oh. Well, what about those Christmas cards – six years of Christmas cards signed “Your cousin, Little Anthony.”
Wife: Didn’t you ever wonder why he never used his last name? Imean, do you really think that Little Anthony calls himself “Little Anthony”?
Husband: Well, I don’t know.. I don’t go around thinking about what Little Anthony calls himself very much..
Wife: Look, I’m white, Richard. White! You know, cute little button nose.. suntan lines.. refers to blacks as “Them”!
Husband: [ in denial ] No! Stop! God, I feel like such a fool..
Wife: Richard, the bottoms of my feet are the same shade as the top! Do you understand that?! You haven’t been a fool. You’ve been in love, and love is blind.
Husband: [ kisses his wife, as he starts to reach acceptance ] I guess this explains why you never got that afro, huh? [ she nods ] Well, it does come as a shock, honey.. but it’s not so bad. It doesn’t change you, and it doesn’t change me..
Wife: Great!
Husband: Plus, it will really please my mother and father to hear this.. I mean, you know how white parents are.
Wife: And white husbands, too. I married one, didn’t I? [ laughs ]
