Category: 1976

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Don Pardo: the First Fifty Years

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs … Dan Aykroyd
Mr. Pardo … John Belushi
Mrs. Pardo … Jane Curtin
Nurse …Anne Beatts
Schoolchildren … Alan Zweibel, Marilyn Miller, Tom Schiller, etc.
Miss Longabaugh … Laraine Newman
Conductor … Garrett Morris
Don’s Wife … Gilda Radner
Personnel Director … John Belushi
Male Voice … John Belushi
Stella Dallas … Laraine Newman
Jane … Jane Curtin
John … John Belushi
Janet … Gilda Radner
… Lorne Michaels
… Laraine Newman
…and starring Don Pardo as Himself!!!

[Graphic of an old-fashioned NBC radio microphone with lightning bolts shooting out from it.]

Danny V/O: And now! As part of NBC’s Fiftieth Anniversary, a salute to the greatest voice-over announcer in the history of show business![Superimposed text reads: Don Pardo: the First 50 Years] Don Pardo: the First Fifty Years!

[The text disappears and a tuxedo-clad Danny steps in front of the graphic to address the camera]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Hello there! My name is Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs. The term “voice-over” is used in television whenever announcements or narration are required in a scene. It’s a grueling and, until now, thankless art which demands precision, patience and guts. Don Pardo’s background helped to combine these qualities. His father was an auctioneer and his mother was an opera singer. You might say he was a born announcer. Don took his first cue at Westfield Hospital where he was born at eleven-thirty A.M., ten-thirty Central time.

[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of an old building. We slowly zoom in on the building as a superimposed text reads: FEBRUARY 26, 1926 Westfield, Mass. Dissolve to a hospital room where Don Pardo’s mother, Mrs. Pardo lies in bed. Mr. Pardo stands at her bedside holding her hand.]

Mr. Pardo: How are ya, honey?

Mrs. Pardo: I’m tired but I’m happy.

Mr. Pardo: When can we see the baby?

Nurse: [enters carrying baby Don who is so wrapped in blankets that he’s not visible] Right now, Mr. Pardo.

Mrs. Pardo: Oh, isn’t he cute?

Mr. Pardo: I guess we’ll have to start sending out the birth announcements.

Mrs. Pardo: [nods] I guess so.

Don Pardo V/O: No, you won’t, Dad!!! I’ll do it myself!!! [the nurse and the Pardos are stunned to hear Don’s voice booming from the blankets in the nurse’s arms] It’s a boy!!! Yes, six and one halfpounds of your own son!!! Another miracle from Mother Nature!!!

[The nurse looks confused but the Pardos are thrilled.]

Mr. Pardo: Just listen to that! Someday he’s gonna be President of the United States!

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: And so, a voice was born. In school, young Pardo’s teachers were quick to recognize his special talent.

[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a schoolhouse. As we slowly zoom in on the building we dissolve to a classroom full of rowdy schoolchildren wearing 1930s clothes, throwing paper airplanes and spitballs while yelling things like “Come on!” “Watch out!” etc. Theteacher, Miss Longabaugh, enters and things quickly quiet down.]

Miss Longabaugh: Children! Children! Now, what’s going on in here? I could hear you all the way down the hall. Don Pardo, tell me what was going on.

Don Pardo V/O: Well, Miss Longabaugh, Susan Anderson was talking with her neighbor! And then Stevie O’Connor threw Gloria’s shoe in the wastebasket! Another naughty act by Stevie!

Miss Longabaugh: Thank you, Don Pardo. You know, you’ve got a great future. That voice could run railroads.

[Train music. Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a locomotive.]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: Don went on to marry his childhood sweetheart and, like all young couples at the time, they went up to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon.

[Dissolve to the curtained berths inside the sleeper car of a passenger train. The rocking motion of the moving train causes the curtains to sway. An elderly Negro conductor, carrying hand-held chimes, enters andaddresses an upper berth.]

Conductor: Uh, is everything fine, Mr. and Mrs. Pardo?

Don Pardo V/O: [unseen, from behind the curtains] Yes, thank you.

Conductor: All right. [Conductor rings his chimes: the NBC tones! He starts to move off but pauses when he hears the honeymoon couple talking behind the curtains and eavesdrops on their conversation:]

Don’s Wife V/O: Honey?

Don Pardo V/O: Yes, Kath?

Don’s Wife V/O: Do it again. Once more. Give it to me.

Don Pardo V/O: [grumbles, reluctantly] Oh, okay. [in a suddenly booming voice] We’ll be staying at the fabulous Bryant House hotel!!! Thirty-five spacious rooms with a spectacular view of the falls!!!Complimentary Continental breakfast and a free tour of the falls in the Maid of the Mist!!!

[Conductor listens with mild surprise, shakes his head and walks off. Dissolve back to Danny.]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: After the honeymoon, Don tried many jobs: short order cook, door-to-door salesman. He even tried bun running at chic restaurants. But nothing seemed right for him. Finally, he got his courage up and he went to apply for the job he was burning to do — radio announcing.

[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a marquee with NBC STUDIOS in neon letters. A superimposed text reads: 1932. Of course, Don actually began work at NBC in 1944. Dissolve to a personnel office where the greasy, cigar-smoking Personnel Director sits behind a desk, talking on an old-fashioned pedestal phone.]

Personnel Director: [into the phone] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what they say about– [knock at the door] Ah, I’ll call ya later. [hangs up phone, calls out] Come in. [sound of a door opening] Ah, Mr. Pardo. Sit down. [indicates an empty chair in front of the desk, next to an ashtray stand – we hear the door close – after a moment, the empty chair suddenly slides forward as the invisible Don Pardo sits down – the personnel director addresses the empty chair] Okay, Pardo. You know what this job means, don’t you? It’s demanding. You gotta have pitch, you gotta have timbre, and you gotta have resonance. This ain’t for no sissies so don’t get any ideas about gettin’ your puss slapped all over the covers o’ Life and Look, okay? Let’s see. [looks at Pardo’s resume] Cook, salesman, bun runner. Nothin’ here in your resume that would qualify ya. But I got a hunch about you, Pardo. Here … [puts a piece of paper on the edge of the desk] … read this.

Don Pardo V/O: [misreads it with his booming voice] We’ll be right black!!! I mean, we’ll be bright black!!! [uncertainly, to the wincing personnel director] How’s that?

Personnel Director: [unimpressed] Great. Okay, okay, thanks. We’ll call ya.

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: Well, Don got the job …

[The chair slides back as the invisible Don Pardo rises and knocks over the ashtray stand. The personnel director gets back on the phone.]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs V/O: … but only because six other NBC announcers were killed in a train wreck near Chicago. [Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of radio station WEAF. Zoom in slowly on the station and dissolve to photo of the studio control room.] The job was on a radio show called “Stella Dallas” — a serial heard and enjoyed by millions of Americans during the war. Here’s a recording of Don’s first show, one we think he’d like to forget.

[Dissolve to a black-and-white photo of a family sitting around a huge vintage radio as we hear what is supposed to be a recording of the old time radio soap opera “Stella Dallas”:]

Male Voice: [over eerie music] Stella, don’t go into the library!

Stella Dallas’ Voice: But I have to see what’s happened to father!

[A door creaks open, Stella screams, dramatic music.]

Don Pardo V/O: Tune in next week to “Stella Dallas” when we find out that Stella killed her father!!! Oh, I wasn’t supposed to say that? But I thought– Oh, oh, ohhhhh.

[Dissolve back to Danny who laughs maniacally at this error but then instantly becomes sober and continues his narration:]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: He was an NBC staff radio announcer for many years, until that miracle called “television” appeared. He worked, first, in a live TV drama: “Elaine Carrington’s Follow Your Heart”.

[Dissolve to the set of the live TV drama]

Jane: He was a good man… a good man.

John: I’m gonna miss him at the plant.

Janet: How could it have happened? A machine. A piece of steel with no feelings, crushing him. What kind of horror is this? What kind of nightmare? What kind of machine? [she breaks down and cries]

Don Pardo V/O: It was at Atkinson-Hurley metal press, Janet! Two-and-a-half full tongues of steel holding and shaping strength!

[music sting, as we dissolve back to Danny, who laughs maniacally at this then becomes sober and continues his narration:]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Don Pardo worked on over one hundred and twelve shows from 1948 to 1960, including “Four Star Revue,” “The Colgate Comedy Hour,” “The Price Is Right” and, of course, NBC’s long-running game show “Jeopardy!” And when television moved to Hollywood, Don refused togo. He’d been offered the role of an announcer on a new comedy show but, as he said at the time, “Who wants to see a show about a Cuban bandleader and a crazy redhead? I don’t. Or maybe I do.” As it turnedout, of course, Don was wrong, sort of. There was no work in New York. Don went through the depression that all artists are subject to — he started frequenting sleazy announcer bars — until he heard about a new TV show just starting up in New York.

[Dissolve to Home Base at NBC’s Saturday Night where a card table has been set up. Superimposed text reads: 1975. Producer Lorne Michaels, wearing one of his trademark reindeer sweaters, sits with Laraine Newman as they audition performers for the show.]

Lorne Michaels: [calls out] Uh, next!

[As Laraine hands Lorne the next performer’s resume, we hear footsteps approach a microphone positioned upstage – it’s the invisible Don Pardo.]

Lorne Michaels: Name, please?

Don Pardo V/O: Don Pardo.

Lorne Michaels: [turns to Laraine] Don Pardo, is he still alive? [Laraine nods] Well, Mr. Pardo, ah, I see you’ve been, uh, working for the phone company, doing some recording. Uh, could you do some of it now for us, please?

Don Pardo V/O: Sure. [in his patented announcer’s voice] At the tone, the time will be five-thirty-six EXACTLY!!! Five-thirty-six and ten seconds!!! Five-thirty–

Lorne Michaels: Fine, fine, fine, fine. Ah, I guess you know, Don, we’re, uh, doing a kind of a young show.

Don Pardo V/O: [sadly] Well, I guess that rules me out.

Lorne Michaels: No, the brass at, uh, NBC is gonna call me crazy but I’m gonna give you a break, old timer. Would you read some of the, uh, names that, uh, that are on that sheet there?

Don Pardo V/O: Mm hmm. [clears throat] HILDA RADAR!!!

Lorne Michaels: Uh… No, no, that’s Gilda Radner.

Don Pardo V/O: Oh. [tries again] CHEVROLET CHASE!!!

Lorne Michaels: [Lorne gives Laraine an uneasy look, then turns to Pardo] Uh, why did you say “Chevrolet Chase”?

Don Pardo V/O: [confused] It’s a comedy show, isn’t it?

Lorne Michaels: Right. Well, thank you! [As we hear Pardo’s footsteps retreat, Lorne turns to Laraine] Got a hunch about him.

[Dissolve back to Danny, laughing hard again.]

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: Well, the rest is history. Don Pardo is now enjoying the respect and admiration of a whole new generation of viewers. And tonight, Don Pardo, we salute you! [salutes into the camera]

Don Pardo V/O: Thank you, Dan! I’d like to just say one thing!

Danny Cadenza Fitzjacobs: What’s that, Don?

Don Pardo V/O: We’ll be right black!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinners

…..Chevy Chase
Date…..Jacqueline Carlin

[ open on Chevy Chase exiting his house ]

Chevy Chase: Hi, I’m Chevy Chase! And if you’re skipping meals because you just can’t find the time to eat them, why not try a Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinner? You know, each Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinner has three scrumptious courses – soup, your choice of six exciting entrees, plus a yummy Apple Brown Betty. And it straps right on to your face.

[ enters his car ]

I’m fifteen minutes late for an important date right now, and I just haven’t got time to eat. [ straps on feed bag and begins to chow down ] Mmm-hmm. Tuna. Tastes great already!

[ jingle appears over cuts of various people strapping on their feed bags in unusual places – in the shower, digging a ditch, driving a cab, etc. ]

Jingle: “Eat lunch and run, everyone
Feed your face any place.
Tie one on any place.
With Pilson’s Feed Bag Dinners
you’ve got time to feed your face.”

[ cut to Chevy’s date entering his car ]

Date: Hi, honey! So where are we going to eat?

Chevy Chase: [ turns to face camera and laughs as he points to his feed bag ]

Jingle: Feed Bags, from Pilson’s.

[Audience shot. One guy has a Pilson’s Feedbag Dinner strapped on. His caption reads: NY STATE LOTTERY LOSER]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Rovco’s Puberty Helper

… Jodie Foster
Pitchman … Dan Aykroyd

Jodie Foster: [addresses the camera] Hi. I’m JodieFoster and, if you’re like me, you’re going throughthose awkward years between thirteen and eighteen wheneverything seems wrong. Believe me, as cute as I am, Iknow how it feels to hate your body and wish you couldtrade it in for somebody else’s. That’s why I’m gladthat I discovered Puberty Helper. [pull back to revealthat Jodie stands behind a table upon which are acouple of large smiley faces and examples of theproduct, one of which Jodie holds up to the camera] Sowhy not try it — before it’s too late — and you findout how lame you are?

[A pitchman enters and begins his spiel as Jodiecovers herself with the product and then exits: thePuberty Helper is simply a large brown bag with holescut in it for her arms, eyes and mouth — and a hugesmiley face on the front.]

Pitchman: Jodie’s right, guys and gals! What you needat this age is Rovco’s amazing new Puberty Helper.Just one single application is enough to cover a fullfive years of agony. Avoid potentially damagingadolescent trauma. Look neat, feel sharp through whatpsychiatrists term the “insecurity-prone years.”Guaranteed to work or your money back. Now, watchRovco’s Puberty Helper in action.

[Dissolve to Jodie in a school hallway. She removesbooks from a locker and shyly confers with anotherstudent. Both wear the Puberty Helper.]

Jodie Foster: Oh. Hi.

Student: H-hi, yourself.

Jodie Foster: Who do you have for math this year?

Student: Mr. Novak.

Jodie Foster: I have Mr. Kotter.

Student: Oh, I – I didn’t even know he was back. MaybeI’ll switch.

[Dissolve back to the pitchman who holds up theproduct and addresses the camera with a rapid spiel assuperimposed text repeats his words:]

Pitchman: Try Puberty Helper today and avoid theheartbreak of straight hair, curly hair, pimples,blackheads, zits, all kinds of skin eruptions, nerdyclothes your mother made you buy, physicalawkwardness, bra straps showing, safety pins in yourbra straps showing, too pointy elbows, slept on yourrollers, blushing, retainers on your teeth, gum onyour skirt, not having pierced ears when everybodyelse has them, gangliness, the look of embarrassingpads, pins and belts, shirt won’t stay tucked in, whenyou don’t know you have a booger, some stuff you goton you in a cafeteria accident, tucking your skirtinto the waistband of your underwear, frequentnosebleeds, embarrassing bulges in the chest area, noembarrassing bulges in the chest area, needing toshave, not needing to shave, and pregnancy! Yes, it’sthe amazing new Puberty Helper from Rovco. And allthis for just forty-nine ninety-five! That’s right –only forty-nine ninety-five! Write to Puberty Helper,care of Rovco, Box 23, Loss Leader, New Jersey. Yourhormones will be glad you did.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 9

76i: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

Jodie’s Teacher

Jodie…..Jodie Foster
Teacher…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open in Teacher’s classroom, last day of Junior High ]

Jodie: But, anyway, I can hardly believe that it’s the last day of Junior High.. I mean, the last day of 9th grade! Like, all day long I kept thinking, this is the last time I’ll be doing certain things; this is the last time I’ll go to this locker; this is the last time I’ll get up from this desk; this is the last time I’ll look at that clock. Until, finally, at the end of the day, I said, “This is the last time I’ll be thinking this is the last time I’ll be doing something.”

Teacher: Yeah?

Jodie: Yeah. I mean, thinking about things like that can really drive a person crazy, you know?

Teacher: Mmm-hmm..

Jodie: I could be thinking that this is the last time I’ll be able to talk to Mr. Davis after class, like I’ve done every day for a year! But I’m not, I’m not gonna get driven crazy, you know?

Teacher: You’re leaning on my attendance forms.

Jodie: Oh. Sorry. [ raises herself ] Anyway, I’m not thinking about that. I’m not thinking about this may very well be the last time I’ll be able to come into this class and talk to you.

Teacher: What are you thinking about?

Jodie: Well, I’m thinking about, if I kind of squint my eyes and make everything kind of blurry, you look like Peter Frampton with short hair.

Teacher: Oh, really?

Jodie: Yeah! But I’m not thinking about how I’m never again, probably never again, gonna get to come into your room after school and talk to you about life.

Teacher: Well.. you’ll have other people to talk about life with, won’t you?

Jodie: Oh, the other people I know don’t want to talk about life. They think that life is boring!

Teacher: Oh, really?

Jodie: Yeah, I think life is really interesting.. because, after all, the most important thing in life, is life.

Teacher: Right.

Jodie: And, now that I won’t see you again, I’ll just have to get out of the habit of talking about it.

Teacher: Well..

Jodie: I’ll miss you!

Teacher: Jodie, uh..

Jodie: I miss you already!

Teacher: Jodie, I really have to get out of here, you know..?

Jodie: Good old life!

Teacher: Yeah..

Jodie: Yeah. Oh, Mr. Davis, before you go out, I also wanted to tell you I thought that was really funny when you stuck that ruler in your ear today.

Teacher: Oh? Thanks a lot.

Jodie: I know a lot of people didn’t laugh. But I think that they don’t understand you like I do. They don’t appreciate your sense of humor, like I do.

Teacher: Oh?

Jodie: Yeah, like, a lot of people can go up, bang, stick a ruler in their ear, who cares, who know? Nobody laughs. You, who I personally know, cares deeply about life, well.. when you stick a ruler in your ear – it’s funny!

Teacher: Jodie, you’ve been a terrific student. [ starts to walk out of his classroom ]

Jodie: Yeah! Listen, I also wanted to tell you that you’re my favorite teacher I’ve ever had, by the way.

Teacher: Well.. that’s very nice of you to say..

Jodie: Yeah! ‘Cause you’re the kind of teacher that acts kind of regular, you know? Doesn’t act real teacherish.

Teacher: Uh-huh..

Jodie: Plus, like, I heard you say “Damn” in the supply closet the other day. But, don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody. When I heard you say “Damn”, I knew that I could be frank with you about lots of stuff.

Teacher: Well, thanks very much..

Jodie: Yeah! Plus, I wrote this poem in the 5th period study hall, when I got sick of signing yearbooks, because I could never get my signature the same way twice. It’s about you. You can tell by the title – it’s called “Mr. Davis”, it’s about you being a Biology teacher and everything.

Teacher: [ reading ] Okay. “Likes frogs, likes snakes, doesn’t like pains, doesn’t like aches.”

Jodie: Oh, well.. I’m really sorry, I mean.. I didn’t know that you didn’t like pains and aches. I mean, for all I know, you’re crazy about pains and aches. I just figured, from knowing you as a person, that you didn’t like them, is that true?

Teacher: Well, yeah.. that’s true. [ reads more ] “Likes bugs, germs, too. And when they die, he goes ‘Boo-hoo’.”

Jodie: Oh! Listen, I really didn’t mean that you said “Boo-hoo” or anything! What I really meant was that you were really sad, but sad didn’t rhyme. Don’t worry, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.

Teacher: Sad because germs died?

Jodie: Yes!

Teacher: [ reading more ] “Is married, has kids, but for certain people, makes them flip their lids.” “Certain people” here is underlined.

Jodie: Yeah, well.. pretty straight line for no ruler, huh?

Teacher: And it’s got a lot of big red stars around it.

Jodie: Oh, well, you know me. When I get a red felt tip pen in my hand, I just get carried away.

Teacher: A lot of arrows here, too.

Jodie: Yeah, but only five arrows. I wouldn’t call five arrows a lot of arrows.

Teacher: Well, thank you, Jodie.

Jodie: I call ten arrows a lot of arrows! Five arrows is definitely not a lot of arrows!

Teacher: Bye, Jodie. [ kisses her forehead and walks away ]

Jodie: Goodbye, Regis. [ he stops ] Oh. I’m sorry, I just wanted to say that once before we left, you know? Can I write you over the summer?

Teacher: Sure.

Jodie: Yeah, yeah, right! I’ll write you over the summer!

Teacher: Okay.

Jodie: Yeah, it’ll give me a chance to practice my signature!

Teacher: Alright. [ finally exits classroom ]

Jodie: [ alone, thinking ] I think I can get it the same way twice..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


December 11th, 1976

Candice Bergen

Frank Zappa

None

Joe Dicso

Lorne Michaels

Diana Nyad

Tom Schiller

Neil Levy
Patty Hearst at HomeSummary: Patty Hearst (Gilda Radner) spends Christmas with her family after her release from prison.

Recurring Characters: Patty Hearst.

Transcript

Montage

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: Candice Bergen hides in her dressing room after being misled by John Belushi’s charms. Belushi dons his Bogart fedora to lure Bergen out with a promise that they’ll “always have Paris.”

Transcript

Carter’s PromisesSummary: Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) admits that he can’t keep the promises he made before the election.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Santi-WrapSummary: While waiting in line to see a drunken Santa Claus (John Belushi) at the mall, Dan Aykroyd demonstrates the sanitary tissue Laraine Newman should use before sitting on Santa’s knee.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “I’m The Slime”

Consumer ProbeSummary: Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) defends Bag O’Glass and other unsafe Christmas toys distributed by his industry.

Recurring Characters: Irwin Mainway.

Transcript

K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp GunSummary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.

Right To Extreme Stupidity LeagueSummary: After catching flack from Fern (Candice Bergen), Lisa (Gilda Radner) defends her right to be stupid.

Note: Candice Bergen gets the names of her and Gilda’s characters confused, which caused her to shamelessly laugh through the entire sketch.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin’s husband (Tom Schiller) begs her to quit work and come back home. Ray Basalt (Dan Aykroyd) gives a holiday radioactive fallout report. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) proclaims that she’s against collecting money for “Unisex.”

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

FX-70 Cheese SlicerSummary: Candice Bergen dispenses slices of cheese with her Polaroid camera.

Note: At the time, Candice Bergen was the spokesperson for Polaroid’s SX-70 Land Camera, and the company was displeased by her participation in this ad parody.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “LagoonRecurring Characters: Futaba.

The Killer TreesSummary: A detective (Dan Aykroyd) and Lt. Steve Bushakis (John Belushi) lead the search for a killer tree.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript

Diana NyadSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Diana Nyad’s students talk about her as she trains.

Transcript

Adopt Belushi for ChristmasSummary: Because John Belushi’s girlfriend has kicked him out of their apartment, Candice Bergen puts the word out that he’s looking for a place to stay over the holidays.

Transcript

Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For ChristmasSummary: Wanting to honor serial killer Gary Gilmore’s wishes, the cast deliver a poignant Christmas ditty in his honor.

Transcript

Frank Zappa performs “Peaches & Regalia”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Adopt Belushi For Christmas

Written by: Rosie Shuster and Steve Shuster

… Candice Bergen
… John Belushi

[Host Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: Well, it’s the last show beforeChristmas and, after it’s over, we’ll probably all goout and celebrate before heading our separate ways forthe holidays. Gilda’s going home to Detroit, Danny upto Canada, Laraine to Los Angeles, Jane’ll stay herewith Patrick, and, I guess, Garrett’ll be going backto Africa. … Yes, everybody’s going home. [walksover to John Belushi, seated on a stool nearby smokinga cigarette, and puts her hands on his shoulders.]Everybody — except for Belushi.

Now, we all want to help John but then we’ve allhelped him so much already: putting him up, talkingover his problems with him, lending him money. So now,it’s your turn to help. And, believe me, if you likegood acting and you just plain get off on good vibes,then here’s an offer you just can’t refuse. SaturdayNight proudly announces the Adopt Belushi forChristmas contest. … Write in immediately and stateyour case in twenty words or less why you are theideal family to adopt Belushi for Christmas. With hisswarthy good looks, John will appear right at home inany family with a depressed European background. …John’s had all of his shots, he’s an eager eater, plushe comes with his own attractive wardrobe whichincludes a Kahoutek T-shirt. Let Belushi share hismany stories and songs with the kiddies. [Bergenexits]

John Belushi: [sings, not very well]
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
[speaks, into camera]
Hi! I’m John Belushi! Ah, but you can call me”Beloosh,” just like my close personal friend ChevyChase does. … You know, it’s corny but – but I loveChristmas. Hey, I’d love to sit around the yule logand – play with your daughter. … Actually, I’m notdoing much this Christmas. Uh, anyway, how ’boutdinner? I’m not fussy. I’d like some candied yams,some plum pudding, a roast goose stuffed with drugs…. Uh, quadraphonic sound system would be real nice.And maybe I could use a car – if you’ve got one, anice brand new car. If you’ve got a fifteen year oldgirl, of course, that’d be nice. Fourteen, I don’tcare. Sixteen. Nice girl.

Candice Bergen: [returns, puts hands onBelushi’s shoulders] So, if you think you’re thatspecial American family, why not write to: [SUPER:]ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS care of SATURDAY NIGHT,Box 409, New York 10019. Runners-up will receive apersonal phone call from Don Pardo. Come on, what doyou say? [hugs Belushi]

John Belushi: [waves] Hi, Mom and Dad!

[Applause. Belushi raises his eyebrows, then kissesBergen as we push forward and fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Carter’s Promises

Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on President-elect Jimmy Carter sitting outside of a warehouse in Plains, Georgia, eating from a bag of shelled peanuts ]

Jimmy Carter: Good evening, my fellow Americans! If you remember my campaign for President, I promised to keep every promise I made. Tonight, I’m here to tell you.. well.. unfortunately, that will be impossible. [ smiles wide ] You see, I’m not privy to information that only a President is privy to, and I’m.. I’m beginning to appreciate just how good a President Gerald Ford has been. [ smiles wide ]

Considering today’s harsh economic realities – for example, I promised that I would both balance the budget and reduce unemployment. Well, it simply can’t be done! [ smiles wide ] No way! It just looks bad. If you could see all the papers and the briefs and information that I read – well, as Bob Dyland said, “It blows my mind!”

Now, look – the economy of the entire world is in a tailspin. Now, I don’t have all the answers. I never did. But I have developed a plan to save the world economy. But that’s gonna take me at least four years to get started. Because, after all, I’m not the President of the World. [ smiles wide ] So, don’t expect things to start improving until the beginning of my second term. But I do promise that, by 1984, well, we’ll have a balanced budget and full employment. And you cna depend on it! I love you all. God bless. Merry Christmas, and thank you for making me your president! [ chews a peanut ]

[ camera zooms out, then dissolves into a slow zoom on a random female audience member ]

[ SUPER: “Confused Polly Bergen Fan” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

FX-70 Cheese Slicer

… Candice Bergen
Johnny … John Belushi

[Parody of a 1970s Polaroid ad – Western music -Candice Bergen holds what appears to be an instantcamera as we pull back to reveal Johnny, a kid in acowboy outfit.]

Candice Bergen: Okay, Johnny, what do yousay?

Johnny: [smiles] Cheeeeese!

[Candice points the “camera” at Johnny and presses abutton – the “camera” whirs and a slice of processedyellow cheese emerges from the slot where one wouldexpect to see an instant photo]

Candice Bergen: Got it! [hands the cheese sliceto Johnny who happily unwraps and eats it] Anotherperfect slice of processed cheese! And look at thatcolor! It turns from mild to sharp in sixty seconds!

[Dissolve to a table laden with cheeseburgers,cheese-covered pie slices, etc. Over this, two handshold the “camera” with a slice of cheese sticking outof it]

Candice Bergen: The new FX-70 Cheese Slicer andprocessed cheese cartridges. [SUPER: $69.95] Onlysixty-nine ninety-five for all your cheese needs.

[Dissolve back to Candice and Johnny.]

Candice Bergen: Hey! What do you say?

Offscreen Children’s Voices: [as Johnny holdsup his cheese slice] Cheeeeese!

[Candice points the “camera” at Johnny who grinsmischievously and raises an eyebrow at her. Applause -fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Consumer Probe

Consumer Reporter…..Candice Bergen
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd

Consumer Reporter: Good evening, and welcome to the holiday edition of “Consumer Probe”. Our topic tonight is unsafe toys for children. For instance, this little bow and arrow set. [ holds up ] Pull the rubber suctions off, and the arrows become deadly missiles.

[ cut to full shot, showing Irwin Mainway seated to Joan’s right ]

We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys. Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron’s Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggie Dentist. And what about this innocent rubber doll, which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? [ holds up doll ] Press his head, and two sharp knives spring from his arms. [ demonstrates ] Mr. Mainway, I’m afraid this is, by no means, a very safe toy.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, Miss, I wanna correct you, alright. The full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county, is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. I mean, nothing goes wrong.. little girls buy ’em, you know, they play games, they make up stories, nobody gets hurt. I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while, or Ken gets cut. You know, there’s no harm in that. I mean, as far as I can see, you know?

Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we’d like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway’s products. It retails for $1.98, and it’s called Bag O’ Glass. [ holds up bag of glass ] Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it’s you know, it’s glass, it’s broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It’s just broken glass, you know?

Consumer Reporter: [ laughs ] I don’t understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look – you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We’re just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it’s a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: So, you don’t feel that this product is dangerous?

Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, “Kid! Be careful – broken glass!” I mean, we sell a lot of products in the “Bag O'” line.. like Bag O’ Glass, Bag O’ Nails, Bag O’ Bugs, Bag O’ Vipers, Bag O’ Sulfuric Acid. They’re decent toys, you know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: Well, I guess we could say that all of your toys are really unsafe and should rightfully be banned from the market. I guess I would just like to know what happened to the good ol’ teddy bear.

Irwin Mainway: Hold on a minute, sister. I mean, we make a teddy bear. It’s right here. [ picks up giant teddy bear ] It’s got a nice little feature here, you see? I’ll hold it up here. We call it a Teddy Chainsaw Bear. [ revs chainsaw in teddy bear’s stomach ] I mean, a kid plays with saws, he can cut logs with it, you know what I mean.

Consumer Reporter: Well, this is certainly a very sad situation. One of the precious joys of Christmas warped by a ruthless profiteer like yourself.

Irwin Mainway: Well, that’s just your opinion, you know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: Well, I just don’t understand why you can’t make harmelss toys like these alphabet blocks. [ points to blocks ]

Irwin Mainway: C’mon, this is harmless? Alright, okay, you call this harmless? [ holds block in hand ] I mean.. [ plays with block and fakes injury ] Aagghh!! I got a splinter in here, look at that! This is wood! This is unsanded wood, it’s rough!

Consumer Reporter: Alright, that’s enough of this ridiculous display. [ holds toy phone ] Here is another creative toy, safe enough for a baby!

Irwin Mainway: [ grabs phone ] You say it’s safe, I mean, look at this cord.. the kid is on the phone – “Hello? Hello?” – then.. [ twists cord around his neck, screams, and falls backward in chair ] You know what I mean? It’s an example! You see my point, a dangerous toy like that?

Consumer Reporter: Well, let’s try this one. What about this little foam play ball? I mean, even you, Mr. Mainway, can’t find anything dangerous about this. Huh?

Irwin Mainway: [ takes ball, bounces it on table, then shoves it in his throat and feigns choking ]

Consumer Reporter: That’s all the time we have for “Consumer Probe” this week.

[ show fades black ]

SNL Transcripts

http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-cable-tv-deals-.html

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Candice Bergen
… Gilda Radner
… Dan Aykroyd
… Jane Curtin
… John Belushi
… Laraine Newman
… Garrett Morris

[Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: One night this July, GaryGilmore killed a Utah service station attendant andthe next night he shot a twenty-five year old studenttwice in the head. He was convicted of the secondmurder and sentenced to death. Gilmore requested thatthe sentence be carried out by firing squad. Prisonofficials were flooded with calls with peoplevolunteering to shoot Gilmore, a job which pays ahundred and twenty-five dollars. Gilmore’s lawyer isnegotiating with publishers and motion picture studiosfor book and movie rights and there has been a cry forpublic execution. [holds up a New York Post with alarge front page headline: The Gilmore Ruling: KILLHIM] All three networks have asked permission to filmthe event and, if permission is not granted, thenthere’s talk of filming the execution, from adirigible, helicopter or hang glider. And so it’s inthis spirit that Saturday Night has prepared a veryspecial Christmas song.

[As the music begins, we dissolve to the giantChristmas tree at Rockefeller Center and then to aclose-up of Gilda Radner, her hair and face peltedwith artificial snow, as she sings:]

Gilda Radner:
There’s a little guy in Utah with a single ChristmaswishFor one special thing that can’t be substitutedDoesn’t want to get electric trains, get toys or getpet fishAll he really wants to get is executed

[Dissolve wide to take in the rest of the cast,dressed in holiday sweaters amid falling snow, womenin the front row, men in back. Everyone sings:]

Cast:
So let’s kill Gary Gilmore for Christmas
Let’s hang him from atop the Christmas tree
Let’s give to him the only gift that money can’tbuy
Put poison in his egg nog, let him drink it, watch himdie

[Dan Aykroyd talks while the others hum softly:]

Dan Aykroyd:
Let’s throw another yule log on the fire
And then let’s throw Gary Gilmore on there too
With a ribbon so gay and a card that will say
“Dear Gary, Merry Christmas to you”

Jane, Laraine, Gilda:
In the meadow, we can build a snowman
One with Gary Gilmore packed inside

John, Garrett, Dan:
We’ll say “Are you dead yet?” He’ll say “No, man”

Cast:
But we’ll wait out the frostbite till he dies

Gilda:
I’ve one Christmas wish

Jane, Laraine, John, Garrett, Dan:
Just ask it

Gilda:
Please put Gary in a casket

Cast:
So let’s toll the silver bells for him
While he can still hear what they say
Ding dong ding dong
You’re dead, so long
We can thrill Gary Gilmore
If we kill Gary Gilmore
On this Christmas Day

[Dissolve back to the Rockefeller Center Christmastree.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts