Category: 1976

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Patty Hearst At Home

Catherine Campbell…..Jane Curtin
Anne Hearst…..Laraine Newman
Patty Hearst…..Gilda Radner
Randolph Hearst…..Dan Aykroyd
Franklin the Butler…..Garrett Morris
KNOO Anchor…..John Belushi

[ open on the Hearst Family sitting around the TV playing a game of Scrabble ]

Catherine Campbell: Oh, Patty, I’m so happy you didn’t have to spend the holidays in that awful prison.

Anne Hearst: Me, too, Sis!

Patty Hearst: Well… I’m very thankful.

Catherine Campbell: We have so much to be thankful for: the worst is over, you’re home…

Randolph Hearst: And we’re still rich!

[ the family laughs ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now look at that — we got “shelter” on the board here, so… [ he picks up his letters and places them on the board ] T… A… X. “Taxshelter”. Triple-word score on the “X” — that’s 44 points!

Catherine Campbell: Very good, Randy. Now, let’s see. That’s Father… [ totals the scores ] 391… Mother, 304… Ann, you have 217… and, Patty, 37.Well, I’m not very good at Scrabble.

Anne Hearst: You should try for longer words, Patty. I mean, “pig” and “gun” aren’t gonna get you many points.

Catherine Campbell: Go ahead, honey — it’s your turn.

Patty Hearst: [ sighs ] Okay. [ she places her letters down ] There.

Anne Hearst: [ frowns ] What’s that word supposed to be?

Patty Hearst: “Slaw”. Like in “cole slaw”.

Anne Hearst: You don’t spell “slaw” “S-L-A”! Cheater!

Patty Hearst: Oh, you! Stop it!

[ Anne and Patty begin to slap one another ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now — come on, girls! There, there… really! Now, Anne, Patty’s not cheating — she’s just confused.

Anne Hearst: [ angry ] Oh, Patty’s CONFUSED! It’s always “Patty this” and “Patty that” Well, you want to know who the REAL victim is? ME!! ME!! ME!!

[ Patty throws the Scrabble board at Anne ]

Randolph Hearst: Come on, girls! Please!

[ Franklin the Butler enters with a tray of egg nog ]

Franklin the Butler: Here comes Miss Patty’s favorite: Egg Nog a la Franklin.

Patty Hearst: Thank you, Franklin!

Franklin the Butler: You’re welcome, Miss Hearst.

[ everyone grabs a cup of egg nog ]

Patty Hearst: Mmm, this is good.

Catherine Campbell: Thank you very much, Franklin.

Franklin the Butler: Yes.

Patty Hearst: Oh, Franklin? Do you feel exploited by my family?

Franklin the Butler: [ hesitant to answer ] Uhhhh — why, no, Miss Hearst… I don’t feel exploited.

Randolph Hearst: [ pleased ] Franklin, take next week off — you deserve it.

Franklin the Butler: Thank you, sir.

[ Franklin exits ]

Catherine Campbell: Why don’t we put away the Scrabble game, and just relax with some TV?

Randolph Hearst: Good idea! Let’s escape into the TV!

[ Randolph uses the remote control to turn on the TV — “S.W.A.T.” is playing ]

Announcer: Tonight, on “S.W.A.T.”: A wealthy newspaper heiress is kidnapped by a radical terrorist group, ransomed for a China doll —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel, where “Hawaii 5-0” plays ]

Announcer: A kidnap victim becomes the unwitting accomplice in a bank robbery, on: “Hawaii 5-0” —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ]

Announcer V/O: Tonight, on “Cinema Classics”: Orson Welles’ immortal “Citizen Kane” —

[ Randolph rapidly clicks through a series of channels, stopping on a news report ]

KNOO Anchor: We at KNOO feel that Patty has been exploited by the media. Where is the decency that should be afforded this young girl who has undergone —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ]

[ a live shot of the Hearst Family sitting in their living room appears on the screen ]

Catherine Campbell: What show is this?

[ return to the Hearst Family sitting in their living room ]

Patty Hearst: [ excited ] Oh! It’s “NBC’s Saturday Night” — it’s my favorite show! I used to watch it all the time in prison, I can always depend on it being tasteful! Oh! Here’s my favorite part, where they say:

[ cut to Patty on the TV screen ]

Patty Hearst: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

Stagehand…..Joe Dicso
…..Jane Curtin
…..Candice Bergen
…..Lorne Michaels
…..John Belushi
Louis…..Tom Schiller
Sam…..Garrett Morris

Don Pardo: [ announcing ] Ladies and gentlemen.. Candice Bergen!

[ audience applauds wildly, but Candice is nowhere to be found on Home Base ]

[ Jane Curtin and Joe Dicso rush upon Home Base, nervous, as Jane runs offstage and down to hall to Candice’s dressing room ]

Jane Curtin: Candy? You’ve gotta come out, they’re waiting for you, the show is starting.

Candice Bergen: [ muffled behind closed door ] Um.. I-I-I really can’t do it, Jane.. I’m just too frightened.

Jane Curtin: Candy, that’s silly! You’ve done this show before, it was great!

Candice Bergen: Well.. it’s just that I only did it to be close to him, Jane.. Don’t you see? When I was with him, I wasn’t afriad of anything!

Jane Curtin: Candy, forget him, he’s not worth it, no man is – especially John Belushi.

Candice Bergen: I can’t forget him, Jane. We shared so much together. When he held me in his arms, we had something special.

Jane Curtin: Candy, that was cellulite you felt.

Candice Bergen: It’s not cellulite. John just gives that appearance on television – he explained it to me, the camera makes him look fifty pounds heavier.

[ nervous Lorne Michaels enters the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: Jane, what’s the matter?

Jane Curtin: It’s John again.

Lorne Michaels: [ sighs heavily ] I don’t understand it. What is this power that Belushi has over women? They fawn themselves over him, all he does is walk all over them. [ sighs again ] She won’t come out?

Jane Curtin: No.

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find John.

Jane Curtin: Okay.

[ Lorne exits down the hall in search of John ]

Jane Curtin: Candy, look what you’re doing to yourself!

Candice Bergen: I don’t care, Jane! Why won’t John at least talk to me!

Jane Curtin: Because he’s an animal.

Candice Bergen: I know.. that’s why I love him..

Jane Curtin: Candy, he’s no good. He’s had his way with every single woman on this network. Why do you think Barbara Walters left? It wasn’t money, it was Belushi! [ a beat ] Candy, come on. Please?

Candice Bergen: I’m sorry, Jane.

[ suddenly, John Belushi, dressed in a white tuxedo like Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca” enters the hall ]

John Belushi: I’ll take care of this for you, alright?

[ Jane steps aside, as John knocks on Candice’s dressing room door ]

Candice Bergen: Go away!

John Belushi: Candy! Get out here!

[ Candice opens the door and comes out of her dressing room ]

Candice Bergen: John? Oh, John! [ hugs John ]

John Belushi: Candy. Listen, Candy, baby, I know how you feel, but it’s over!

Candice Bergen: It can’t be.. you’re just angry, that’s all. Listen, John, I’ll do anything, I don’t care! What do you want me to do?

John Belushi: It’s not you, Candy. It’s me! How many times do I have to tell you! It’s only for your own good. Don’t you understand? I’ll only hurt you!

Candice Bergen: I know, I know! That’s what I want John! John, nice guys are a dime a dozen! But I’m attracted to.. swill!

John Belushi: Ah, I wouldn’t believe anything you told me right now! You’d say anything to get what you want!

Candice Bergen: John.. can’t you just think about us?

John Belushi: There is no us, Candy.

Candice Bergen: All you can think about is yourself! One woman hurts you, and you just take it out on the rest of the world! You’re a coward and a weakling! [ slaps John hard across the face, shocking herself ] I’m sorry, John.. I’m really sorry, I’m really sorry! Did I hurt you?

John Belushi: [ in his best Bogart tone ] Yes.. very much.

Candice Bergen: I’m so sorry.. you know I would never do anything to hurt you.. you’re the first man I’ve ever loved!

John Belushi: Yes.. and I love you, too. And that’s why I want to get you out there on that stage.

Candice Bergen: Are you not just saying that to make me go?

John Belushi: I’m saying that because it’s the truth, Sandy!

Candice Bergen: Candy.

John Belushi: Candy.

[ soft piano version of “As Time Goes By” cues up in the background, as fog spreads through the room ]

John Belushi: It’s the truth, and you know it. You have to get out there. Now, listen.. look – I’m no good at being noble.. but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of two little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. You see, inside of us, we both know you belong up on that stage. You’re part of the show, the thing that keeps it going. And, if that show starts and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it.

Candice Bergen: No, I won’t..

John Belushi: Maybe not now.. maybe not tomorrow.. but soon, and for the rest of your life.

[ airplane propellers can be heard starting up ]

Loudspeaker: The last plane for Lisbon now departing.

Candice Bergen: Oh.. what about us, John?

John Belushi: Well.. we’ll still have Paris.. or the Muppets. Well.. here’s looking at you, kid. You better go.

[ they turn down the hall and walk away from the camera, passing Louis along the way ]

John Belushi: Hi, Louis!

[ dissolve to Garrett Morris as Sam, playing the piano in a smoke-filled room ]

Sam: Good morning, Mr. Rick.. Miss Ilsa.

Candice Bergen: Sam? Boy, you sound as good as ever.

John Belushi: Listen up, Sam – you can close up for the night.

Sam: Alright, Mr. Rick.

[ Sam stops playing the piano, and closes the room ]

John Belushi: Listen, uh.. Candy. You do a good show, and maybe – just maybe – afterwards, we can have a drink later.

Candice Bergen: My place?

John Belushi: That’s fine.

Candice Bergen: The thing is.. I never know if you’re gonna show up. You’re such a filthy liar, you’ve never told me the truth. I guess that’s why I need you, John. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. [ facing the camera ] And we’ll be right back after this message.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Diana Nyad

… Candice Bergen

[Host Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses thecamera.]

Candice Bergen: And now here’s this week’s filmby Gary Weis. It’s about Diana Nyad, the marathonswimmer who swam around Manhattan Island.

[The film begins with a young female college studentaddressing the camera. She is photographed in front ofa swimming pool in a darkened gym.]

1st Student: Diana’s been a big influence on meas far as my definitions of what a woman can be – andwhat a woman is. She’s the first woman I’ve met in mylife that sat down and said, “This is what I want -and I’m gonna get it – and it doesn’t matter at allwhat anybody else in the world thinks.”

[Elegant classical music begins and continues till thefilm ends. Slow motion footage of Diana Nyadswimming.]

Diana Nyad V/O: I have been swimming now forover fifteen years, over four hours a day, sometimesfive, sometimes six.

[Nyad works out on a weight machine.]

Diana Nyad V/O: The average heartbeat isseventy-two to seventy-five beats a minute. Theaverage trained athlete is from sixty to seventy.

[Pre-dawn. Nyad, in a heavy winter coat, runs across acrowded New York City street carrying a gym bag and apair of racquets.]

Diana Nyad V/O: My heartbeat is forty-five inthe morning at rest. Um, I can get it up to a hundredeighty when I’m working very hard but the point aboutbeing in shape is that it comes back down veryquickly.

[Slow motion footage of Nyad’s muscles flexing as sheworks out on the weight machine.]

Diana Nyad V/O: I, um, hold the world recordfor swimming from Capri to Naples in Italy and I’m theonly person to have crossed Lake Ontario, which tookeighteen hours, twenty minutes. I hold the record forswimming around Manhattan Island, in a little undereight hours.

[Slow motion footage of Nyad, wearing headband andwielding a racquet, as she plays a game ofsquash.]

Diana Nyad V/O: When I’m swimming during the -the toughest seasons of the year, I eat twelvethousand to twelve thousand five hundred calories aday which is at least ten times what the averageperson eats.

[More female students filmed in front of an Olympicswimming pool in a darkened gym — presumably atBarnard College, an independent liberal arts collegefor women in New York City, affiliated with ColumbiaUniversity.]

2nd Student: Diana Nyad is our coach on theBarnard College swim team. She really has been aninspiration for all of us.

3rd Student: Knowing Diana has made me see thatI can do anything that I want to do. She demandsperfection from you in – in everything but you don’tmind giving it to her because you know that shedemands it from herself.

[More footage of Nyad on the weight machine. More slowmotion footage of Nyad swimming.]

Diana Nyad V/O: From a mile out, I can hear theclapping and the screaming. The people realize that Iswam from a place that they couldn’t even see on theclearest day. They know I may faint when I arrive.They share with me the most extreme moment of all.For, after the pain, the cold, the hours, thedistance, after the fatigue and the loneliness –after all this, comes my emergence. And my emergenceis what it’s all about.

[Nyad turns from the weight machine to smile into thecamera, then turns back. Fade.Applause.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Santi-Wrap

…..Laraine Newman
…..Dan Aykroyd
Mall Santa…..John Belushi

[ open on Laraine Newman and Dan Aykroyd standing in line to see Santa Claus at the mall ]

Laraine Newman: I’m next!

Dan Aykroyd: [ laughing ] Are you sure you want to do this?

Laraine Newman: Sure! You know, I mean it’s crazy, this time of year does something to me, I feel like a little kid!

Dan Aykroyd: Make it quick, though – we’ve got a lot of shopping to do.

Laraine Newman: Oh, don’t be such a Scrooge. Where’s your spirit?

[ little girl steps off Santa’s lap and heads off ]

Mall Santa: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, everybody!

Laraine Newman: I’ll only be a minute.

Dan Aykroyd: Sure.

[ as Laraine steps up to Santa Claus, she unrolls some toilet paper which she proceeds to place around his lap ]

Dan Aykroyd: Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing?

Laraine Newman: Relax! I said I’ll only be a minute..

Dan Aykroyd: What is this?

Laraine Newman: It’s for protection.

Dan Aykroyd: Toilet tissue?! You mean, you haven’t heard of Santi-Wrap? [ holds up red and green colored toilet seat protection sheet ] Sure.. Santi-Wrap – the colorful, decorative and hygienic way to protect yourself from germs carried by the likes of a part-time Santa Claus.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s so jolly, he’s smart, he knows if you’ve been sleeping – but do you know where he’s been sleeping?

Laraine Newman: [ sits up with a stir ] Oh, my goodness!

Dan Aykroyd: That’s just it, Look, Laraine – I love Santa just as much as anybody else, but, December 26th, Noel over here goes back to the Y.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..

Laraine Newman: But won’t toilet paper protect me?

Dan Aykroyd: Two-ply? Never. Not these germs. Let me show you.

[ show image of Santa’s bare leg ]

Dan Aykroyd: This is a picture of Santa’s leg. Seems normal. But look at the same picture magnified under a microscope.

[ show circular close-up of tiny little men sitting on a street corner, with little hairs surrounding the lens ]

Laraine Newman: Are those Santa’s helpers?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes, those are Santa’s helpers. And they’re communicable. Now, will you stop using the two-ply?

Laraine Newman: What a fool I’ve been! [ replaces her toilet paper with one Santi-Wrap sheet and sits ] Okay.. I want a car, and a refigerator, and –

Dan Aykroyd: Use Santi-rap, and I promise you won’t get one tick.. from jolly St. Nick.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho.. ho.. ho ho..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Right To Extreme Stupidity League

Fern…..Candace Bergen
Lisa…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Fern reading a newspaper in the living room, as Lisa enters ]

Fern: Oh, hi! You’re just in time – I made some cookies, and here’s some milk.

Lisa: Oh, great! I’m so thirsty, I could drink a horse!

Fern: Boy, are you stupid. It’s “eat a horse”. “I could eat a horse.”

Lisa: [ sits ] Well, you do whatever you want, Fern, I’m still thirsty!

Fern: Well, here, have some milk. [ hands Lisa the glass ]

Lisa: Oh, thanks! [ pours the milk into her purse ] Gee.. this milk isn’t too good. I’m still thirsty!

Fern: Well, that’s because you poured it in your purse, you see?

Lisa: Oh..

Fern: You’re not too bright, are you, Fern..? I mean.. [ breaks character and laughs ] Whatever your name is! [ can’t stop laughing ]

Lisa [ helping ] Lisa!

Fern: As a matter of fact, you’re extrememly stupid!

Lisa: Well, you’re right, Fern. And, you know, I’m proud of it! [ turns to the camera ] You know, we all can’t be brainy like Fern here.. [ Candace tries harder to stifle her laughter ] That’s why I want to talk to you tonight about a God-given American right – the right to extreme stupidity! Extremely stupid people are discriminated against all the time, and I should know, and so should Fern, because we are extremely stupid people! For instance, I think that Bambi is a fish! [ laughs ] You know, that reminds me of a little joke.. [ starts laughing to herself for an extended length of time before changing her tone ] But seriously, the very English language itself is discriminatory against extremely stupid people. For instance, insulting phrases like.. [ reads from index cards ] “Boy, are you dumb!” ..and “Boy, are you dumb!” [ Fern changes card for Lisa ] Thank you! ..and “You’re not too bright, are you?” “What are you, stupid?” “Boy, are you ever extremely stupid!” “I could drink a horse!” “Gosh, am I thirsty..!”

Fern: This has been a paid message from the Right To Extreme Stupidity League.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

The Killer Trees

Singer … Garrett Morris
Detective … Dan Aykroyd
Lieutenant Bushakis… John Belushi
Miss Vaveseur … Candice Bergen
Mrs. Rodriguez … Gilda Radner
Lieutenant Nagey … Tom Schiller
Suspect … Frank Zappa
Stagehand…..Neil Levy

[As snow falls from above, a singer in a white suitstands in front of a row of decorated Christmas treesand sings a solemn version of “O Tannenbaum” to pianoaccompaniment.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!

[The row of trees inch forward toward the unsuspectingsinger.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!

[The row of trees comes a few steps closer to thesinger.]

Singer: [sings]
Du grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
Nein auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.

[The trees are now right up against the unwittingsinger’s back.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum–

[A branch explodes from the singer’s chest, piercinghis thorax and killing him almost instantly – hescreams, his eyes pop – he’s quickly dead, mouth andeyes wide open – Dramatic musical sting – SUPER: THEKILLER TREES]

Don Pardo V/O: The Killer Trees!

[The singer’s body quivers. Applause. Dissolve topolice station where a plainclothes detective speakson the phone.]

Detective: [into phone] Yeah. Yeah, that’s whatI said. You heard me! They’re killer Christmas trees!… They’re desperate trees, Chief, they won’t justsettle for tinsel and candy canes – they want blood…. I don’t know, Chief, they’re some kind of mutant!… Well, they hear the traditional Christmas hymn “OTannenbaum” and then they kill. … Looks like we’vegot a full-scale ecological disaster on our hands.I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Yeah. Allright.

[Detective hangs up. A second plainclothesman,Lieutenant Bushakis, standing nearby, has beenlistening in.]

Lt. Bushakis: These trees got an M.O.?

Detective: Well, they force themselves ontoChristmas tree lots where they lure their victims:unsuspecting, uh, Christmas tree buyers.

Lt. Bushakis: How do they do it?

Detective: Well, by looking full and bushy andstanding close to where their cars are parked. Andthey’re very smart.

Lt. Bushakis: Yeah.

Detective: They keep their prices low byconstantly marking themselves down.

Lt. Bushakis: Sounds like a tough case tocrack.

Detective: We GOTTA crack it! Or a lot oflittle kids who thought they were gonna get a bicycle– will end up with a pierced thorax!

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. Let’s roll.

Detective: Yeah.

[The detectives exit their office to the accompanimentof some cheesy uptempo ’70s cop show arrangement of “OTannenbaum” – Dissolve to a business office where MissVaveseur, a well-dressed executive, waves goodnight toher Latino cleaning lady.]

Miss Vaveseur: Well, good night, Mrs.Rodriguez. Um, y feliz Navidad.

Mrs. Rodriguez: [heavy accent] Good night!Merry Christmas to you, Miss Vaveseur!

[Mrs. Rodriguez watches Miss Vaveseur exit, thencautiously sits at office desk and usestelephone.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings to herself as she dialsnumber] La cucaracha, la cucaracha. La la la lala. [into phone] Hello? Hello, mama? Mama! Yeah, Ijust called to tell you. Right. I decided what to givelittle Jose for Christmas for him to play with. Yeah,a box of Kleenex. [holds up a box of tissues from thedesk] I’m gonna– Yeah, he can put it in his nose andstuff. Right. Okay, okay, I’ll say it’s from you, too- from both of us. Okay, mama, enjoy the turkeycarcass. Goodbye!

[Mrs. Rodriguez hangs up and rises. In the corner ofthe office, a decorated Christmas tree trembles andsings in a high-pitched voice.]

Christmas Tree: [sings] O Tannenbaum, oTannenbaum …

[Mrs. Rodriguez hears the voice but sees no one. Shesings her own version of the tune – with differentlyrics – as she cleans the office.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings]
Oh, I’m so poor
Oh, I’m so poor
La la la
Oh, I’m so poor

[The tree moves threateningly toward Mrs. Rodriguez asshe dusts a painting on the wall but retreats as shemoves to the nearby desk.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings]
Oh, I’m so poor
La cucaracha, la la la la
Oh, I’m so poor
Oh, I’m so poor
La da da

[Again, the tree moves toward Mrs. Rodriguez, thenretreats. She briefly breaks off singing, sensingsomething is wrong.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings] Ah doodah

[The tree attacks her from the rear. She screams. Abranch explodes through her chest.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: Santa Claus!

[Dramatic musical sting – Mrs. Rodriguez, eyes andmouth wide open, is impaled on the tree as we dissolveto the police station where Miss Vaveseur sits, cryinghysterically. The two plainclothes detectives try tocomfort her.]

Miss Vaveseur: Oh! Oh, God!

Detective: Okay, just – just calm down for aminute. We just have to piece this thing together now.

Miss Vaveseur: It’s so horrible.

Detective: You say you heard the scream.

Miss Vaveseur: Oh, God, yes.

Detective: When you heard the scream, you ranback in and you saw the killer. That’s all we want.What did you see? Just a –

Lt. Bushakis: All right.

Detective: – a rough description.

Lt. Bushakis: Now, just calm down here, allright? Calm down and describe the killer to our policeartist here, Sergeant Nagey. Try to describe it now.Was he tall? Short?

Miss Vaveseur: [Sergeant Nagey, anotherplainclothesman, sits nearby with a sketch pad anddraws on it energetically as she speaks] He was verytall. He was so tall. And really bushy. Very bushy.With a lot of really neat ornaments! Oh, God!

Lt. Bushakis: Something like this?

[Bushakis grabs the sketch pad and holds it up to her- it’s a color drawing of a decorated Christmastree.]

Miss Vaveseur: [horrified] Ohhhhh, nooooooo!That’s it! That’s the killer!

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. [hands sketch back toNagey] Send it out over the wire services.

Sergeant Nagey: Yeah. [rises]

Lt. Bushakis: Hurry up, come on. [Nagey exitswith sketch]

Detective: [to Miss Vaveseur] Okay, now, uh, weneed one more thing. We need you to identify somesuspects, all right, now?

Miss Vaveseur: Oh!

Detective: All right. We’re gonna show you aline-up. All right? Ya think you can handleit?

[Cheesy cop show arrangement of “O Tannenbaum” returnsas Miss Vaveseur steels herself.]

Detective: Come on, let’s go.

[Miss Vaveseur and the detectives exit. We dissolve toa view of suspects in a police line-up. From left toright: an undecorated tree, a decorated tree, and along-haired barefoot man with beard and mustache wholooks exactly like Frank Zappa.]

Detective V/O: Okay, Miss Vaveseur, now, you’relooking through one-way glass. Nobody can see you.Look at these three suspects and tell us which one youthink is the killer.

Miss Vaveseur V/O: Uh, I – I don’t know. Theyall look the same to me.

Detective V/O: Uh huh.

Lt. Bushakis V/O: Wait a minute! I got a hunch.

Detective V/O: Go ahead.

Lt. Bushakis V/O: It’s crazy but it just mightwork. [to the suspects] Simon says, “Shake yourbranches!” [the two trees shake their branches, Zappawiggles his fingers] Simon says, “Jiggle yourornaments!” [the decorated tree jiggles its ornaments,as does Zappa who toys with the buttons on his tanraincoat] “Kill the person next to you!” [None of thesuspects responds, of course] Okay. Simon says, “Killthe person next to you.”

[The decorated tree leans into Zappa and a branchexplodes through Zappa’s chest. Dramatic musical sting- Zappa dies with much less fuss than the previousvictims. Dissolve back to the police station office asMiss Vaveseur and the detectives return.]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, I – I think we’ve got ourtree. These trees are smart but they’re not thatsmart.

Detective: Okay, one more thing, Miss Vaveseur.Where did you buy that tree? The tree.

Miss Vaveseur: I – I bought it at a lot downthe street. It’s the same place where I bought thetree for my apartment.

Detective: That means that one in yourapartment might be a killer, too.

Lt. Bushakis: Yeah, but we can only arrest himif we catch him the act.

Detective: [to Miss Vaveseur] I’m afraid we’regonna have to ask for one more thing — yourcooperation here. We’re gonna have to ask you to actas a decoy. Okay?

Lt. Bushakis: Now, uh, don’t we all–? If youjust start singing “O Tannenbaum” …

Detective: Right.

Lt. Bushakis: … okay? …

Detective: Are you with us?

Lt. Bushakis: … in the apartment with thetree – you’ll act as a decoy. If you need us, we’ll beright outside.

Detective: We’ll be right there. Noproblem.

Lt. Bushakis: Just yell. Okay?

Detective: Okay? You with us? [she nods] Okay,let’s go. [to Bushakis] Get a task force over thereright away.

Miss Vaveseur: I’ll do whatever I can to sparethe lives of innocent Gentiles. …

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. I’ll call the task force -I’ll meet you over there.

[Miss Vaveseur and the detective exit as Lt. Bushakisgets on the phone.]

Lt. Bushakis: [into phone] Yeah, this isLieutenant Bushakis. I want ten squad cars and fourpatrol cars outside Twenty-nine West Street. And, justin case, send an ambulance — with a tree surgeon. …That’s right. You heard me right. Do it fast,pal.

[Bushakis hangs up, looks grim – cop show version of”O Tannenbaum” plays as we dissolve to Miss Vaveseur’sapartment where a decorated tree waits ominously. MissVaveseur enters carrying a wreath and staresapprehensively at the tree. She gestures to the unseendetectives in the hall behind her, then shuts theapartment door, clears her throat, and walks near thetree.]

Miss Vaveseur: [talks to herself, nervous] Well… well … Boy, do I ever want to get pierced in thethorax! [laughs nervously]

Christmas Tree: [quivers, sings in high-pitchedvoice]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum …

Miss Vaveseur: [sings nervously]
O killer trees, o killer Christmas trees
I want to feel your branches in me

[The tree lunges at her back – she screams – a branchpierces her thorax – dramatic musical sting – the twodetectives burst in with guns drawn – but it’s toolate – she’s dead.]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, we said we’d be outside butwe didn’t say we’d do anything.

Detective: Yeah. … Well, I guess we’d bettertake this tree downtown.

Lt. Bushakis: Okay.

Detective: [handcuffs the tree] Okay, tree!You’re comin’ with us. Come on. You have the right toone phone call, you have the right to remain silent,anything you say can and will be used against you in acourt of law.

Lt. Bushakis: Hey, what do we do, uh, about theguy behind it?

Detective: What? This guy? [pulls a maskedstagehand, dressed in green, from behind the tree,rips off the mask] Ah, he’s just an innocent stagehand– he didn’t have anything to do with it. [stagehandretreats behind tree]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, we’ll take him downtown andbook him as an accomplice.

Detective: [staring sorrowfully at the deadMiss Vaveseur] It’s so sad, you know, because — shelooked – like an angel.

Lt. Bushakis: And now – she isone.

Detective: I guess – this case – isclosed.

[Cop show version of “O Tannenbaum” plays as thedetectives salute each other with their weapons overMiss Vaveseur’s dead body. SUPER: THE KILLER TREES.The detectives stand motionless as we pull back andfade out.]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

… Jane Curtin
Patrick … Tom Schiller
Ray Basalt … Dan Aykroyd
Emily Litella … Gilda Radner

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onanchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk. Sheargues with her husband Patrick, who sits on the deskbeside her — both oblivious to the camera.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update with JaneCurtin!

Patrick: … lonely, lonely thing!

Jane Curtin: Do you think I like beinghere?

Patrick: I–

Jane Curtin: Do you think I enjoy this? You’recrazy!

Patrick: Oh, come on! You’ve got to come homesometime!

Jane Curtin: Somebody has got to make the moneyotherwise we can’t eat.

Patrick: I’m writin’ a book! It’s gonna make afortune!

Jane Curtin: [dismissive] Oh, the book, thebook, the book. Big deal!

[Jane and Patrick suddenly notice the camera is on andstare into it, horrified. Patrick instantly drops downbehind the desk and out of view as Jane tales a momentto recover. She smiles and begins the news as ifnothing had happened.]

Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight:

[Photo of a smiling Jimmy Carter carrying dry cleaningbag over his shoulder] Still trying to make up hiscampaign deficit, President-elect Carter has taken apart-time job delivering dry cleaning in theWashington area. …

[Photo of the Carter family: Jimmy, Rosalyn anddaughter Amy — Amy’s eyes are closed and she coversher mouth with her hand] As a security measure toavoid any leaking of White House information, theSecret Service has stapled Amy Carter’s eyes shut andepoxied her hand to her mouth for the duration ofJimmy Carter’s term. … A decision on what to do withAmy’s ears will be made shortly.

President Ford finally revealed the substance of hispost-election telephone call to Richard Nixon. Fordasked Nixon if he thought Jimmy Carter would abuse thepresidency. Nixon said, “Nah, he doesn’t have theexperience.” … [The joke dies – in response, Janefrowns and crumples the sheet of paper it was writtenon – Patrick’s hand emerges from beneath the desk -Jane puts the crumpled ball of paper in Patrick’s handwhich disappears from view – Jane swivels, grins, andcontinues without missing a beat]

[Photo of Henry Kissinger with eyes shut tight andsmiling a toothy grin] Despite the fact that his daysas Secretary of State are numbered, Henry Kissingershowed he still has a sense of humor. The eternaldiplomat is shown here at a Washington party doing hisimpression of Chinese leader Hua Guofeng. …

[Suddenly, Jane bursts out laughing and reaches underthe desk – apparently having just beentickled.]

[Photo of Betty Ford and lisping broadcast journalistBarbara Walters] The First Annual Barbara WaltersLook-Alike Contest was held this week in Washington.And the first runner-up was First Lady Betty Ford. Thewinner was Barbara Walters who remarked that shedoesn’t feel she really looks like herself but willuse the prize money to buy a lifetime supply of theletter “R.” …

[Photo of Jacques Cousteau holding what appears to betwo small statuettes] And, in sports this week,underwater explorer Jacques Cousteau has discovered atribe of eleven inch tall prizefighters in the AegeanSea. Negotiations are under way to match one of themagainst Mayor Beame at Madison Square Garden nextspring.

Jane Curtin: And now Update presents a specialChristmas segment, courtesy of the United Statesgovernment’s Public Safety bureau. Here iscorrespondent Ray Basalt with the December radioactivefallout report.

[Cut to genial, fast-talking Ray Basalt, casuallydressed in a denim suit with an open-neckedwide-collared shirt and a gold medallion on a chainaround his neck. Behind him is a bulletin board thatreads: DAILY FORECAST, several wall clocks, and achalkboard with a map of the U.S.]

Ray Basalt: Thank you, Jane! Hi, everybody andwelcome to the Fallout Report! We, uh, hope to giveyou as much information as we can on the domesticfallout situation for the holiday season. I’m RayBasalt and here’s how it looks:

[moves to map, occasionally marking it up with chalkand symbols of mushroom clouds as he speaks] Okay!Prevailing northerly winds in the mid-Atlantic havecarried a cloud of radioactive particles into a fewpopulation centers along the eastern seaboard here.Uh, now, uh, this debris is the result of a blast thatwas detonated over four thousand miles away bythe Indian government in the Gobi Desert – and it’saffecting the tri-state area. These particles areexpected to start sprinkling down into New Jersey,Pennsylvania and parts of New York state early nextweek. Not much to worry about, however. Theseparticles are far too big to inhale into the lungs …However, they do contain tellurium gamma rays sowater, milk and all dairy products will becontaminated throughout the holiday season – for atleast two months, anyway. … Well, it is the softdrink season, so – [chuckles] – we don’t have too muchto worry about.

Okay, let’s turn to the west coast now and see what wefind here. All right, last summer, as you know, was aheavy time of thermonuclear testing by the People’sRepublic of China. In July, they detonated a fiftymegaton fission-fusion-fission device above thePacific Ocean. This resulted in a high altitudeairburst. Now, the fission products from thisdetonation, which linger just below the Earth’stroposphere, have started to drop. They’re being movedacross the Pacific water body by the high winds upthere in the troposphere. This — coupled with coldfronts which move up into southern California fromTexas — uh, all in all, well, we should say that,well, it should bring a fairly heavy shower ofdangerous beta particles into the San Diego areasometime near the end of the month and probably beforeChristmas anyway. Now, that blast was a pretty heavyone so the yield of beta particles will be sizable.Beta particles, of course, as you know, cause seriousradiation burns so, San Diego residents, stay inside,keep pets inside, don’t drink or eat anything and, ifyou have a lead suit, wear it. …

Elsewhere across the country, in Florida, uh, some,uh, particles as a result of French testing in theAntarctic. Uh, all across the Midwest, there areparticles there. Uh, from domestic testing in Nevada,of course. And, uh, there was some in Texas down herenear Corpus Christi. Nothing too serious.

We should mention, however, the beta cloud over SanDiego will be moving on up into the Los Angeles areaand, although it won’t be dangerous from a radioactivestandpoint, the remaining fallout when combined withhydrocarbon emissions in the Los Angeles basin shouldmake for quite a brew [turns to a nearby wall chartmarked AIR QUALITY with four levels: POOR / BAD /MASKS REQUIRED / REFRAIN FROM BREATHING] and a readingof one, two, three, four – on our air quality table.[puts a big red X next to number four: REFRAIN FROMBREATHING]

And remember the MLRD for human beings — that’sMedian Lethal Radiation Dose — is four hundred andfifty REMs. Uh, anything under that and the most youhave to deal with is some odd internal bleeding, lossof hair, skin sores and unceasing nausea. Okay?[tosses chalk in the air and catches it with a smile]And that’s the Fallout Report for the holiday season.Back to you, Jane.

[Applause as we cut back to Jane at the desk.]

Jane Curtin: [Photo of gymnast Olga Korbut atopa balance beam doing a particularly strenuousbackbend] Olga Korbut, the sensational Russian gymnastof the ’72 Olympics, announced this week that she willbe married next month in Moscow. The agile 21-year-oldis shown here getting in shape for her wedding night…. The prospective bridegroom is reported to be in aRussian hospital undergoing special surgery to haveall of his bones removed. …

[Photo of snow-covered street] Still to come: Cocainedealers convene in Buffalo after this message. …[Applause – Jane winces and reaches under the deskuncomfortably as we fade out for ad parody: FX-70Cheese Slicer]

Jane Curtin: [Photo of man in Santa Clausoutfit holding a revolver] Tragedy at the North Polethis week when Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer broke aleg and had to be shot. When asked who will guide hissleigh, a grief-stricken Santa Claus replied, “JimNabors.” More on this story as it develops. [Joke dies- Patrick’s hand reaches up from under the desk – Janehands him the paper which he crumples and disappearswith]

[reads the next item:] Well, time certainly flies,doesn’t it? … [Patrick reaches up again but Janebats his hand away]

Having trouble selecting a Christmas gift for yourstallion? Well, maybe this will help. [Doctored photoof a horse wearing a human being’s shoes on its hindhooves] It’s the latest style in animal footwear.Earth horseshoes. Manufacturers say that they are likeordinary shoes except the heels are lower than thetoes. [Photo of a horse showing its teeth, as ifsmiling] Honest Pleasure, pictured here, says he wearsthem and that, quote, [trippy voice] “It’s realmellow. It’s like I’m standing in a lotus position.”[exhales through lips like a horse] End quote.[applause]

Jane Curtin: From time to time, Weekend Updatepresents opposing viewpoints to important issues. Now,here with an editorial reply is Miss EmilyLitella.

Emily Litella: [bespectacled little old ladywith squeaky voice] Uhh, what’s all this fuss I keephearing about this Christmas the United Nations iscollecting money for unisex? Now, don’t thosekind of people have enough beauty parlors and clothingstores as it is? I mean, do they need more? Why,they’re all over the place, these unisex places! TheUnited Nations should be giving money to littlechildren overseas, children who can use it, not tothese weirdos!

Jane Curtin: Uh, Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: Why, it’s outrageous!

Jane Curtin: Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: I can’t believe– What?What?

Jane Curtin: [speaking slowly and clearly] Uh,that’s “UNICEF.” Not “unisex.” The editorial was aboutUNICEF, the United Nations International Children’sEmergency Fund, not unisex. UNICEF.

Emily Litella: Oh, well, well that’s verydifferent. [squints and grins, into camera] Nevermind. … [Applause] Uh, just, um, one more thing,Miss Clayton. Um, I was wondering why ever sinceyou’ve been, ah, doing Update I haven’t been on theshow too much. I mean, I used to be on quiteoften.

Jane Curtin: Yes. Well, Miss Litella, you canbe on as often as you like — as long as you come upwith something funnier than “unisex.”

Emily Litella: Well, I’ll do my best…

Jane Curtin: Good.

Emily Litella: Bitch. …

[Applause, which continues till the end.]

Jane Curtin: That’s all the news for tonight.Thank you and have a very pleasant holiday.

[As we pull back and fade out, Jane glares at thedeparting Miss Litella.]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 15th, 1977

Ralph Nader

George Benson

Andy Kaufman

None

Al Franken

Tom Schiller

Mitchell Laurance

Neil Levy

Ralph’s New ImageSummary: Ralph Nader shows up at Studio 8H ready to cut loose and have a good time, even in spite of various safety harzards he encounters while having his make-up applied.

Transcript

MontageNote: Bill Murray’s first episode.

Ralph Nader’s MonologueSummary: Ralph Nader experiences technical difficulties after he discusses some of RCA’s wrongdoings.

Transcript

Long DistanceSummary: Chess-loving grandfather (Bill Murray) badmouthes his ingrate grandson while waiting for his call.

Transcript

Televised Execution RehearsalSummary: A manic director (Bill Murray) runs through the dress rehearsal for the televised execution of convincted murderer, Dean Slydell (Tom Schiller).

Transcript

Baba Wawa Talks to HerselfSummary: Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) promotes her upcoming special, in which she only talks to herself.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

George Benson performs “Masquerade”

Carter’s Confederate TakeoverSummary: Ralph Nader imagines that Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) has taken over the country.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: A hospitalized John Belushi phones in to complain that no one has mentioned his injury. Bill Murray reports on Rosalyn Carter’s looks. Texxon representative, Mr. Rigg (Nader), explains the conditions of their solar energy deal. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) comments that she’s against making Puerto Rico a “steak”.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Andy KaufmanSummary: The less-than-stellar impressions of Foreign Man (Andy Kaufman) lead up to the ultimate Elvis impersonation.

Transcript

The Coneheads At HomeSummary: Beldar (Dan Aykroyd), Prymaat (Jane Curtin), and Connie Conehead (Laraine Newman) are alien beings who claim to come from France, and spend their days adjusting to their new life on Earth. Tonight, Beldar and Prymaat meet Connie’s new boyfriend, Ronnie (Bill Murray).

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymmat Conehead, Connie Conehead, Ronnie.

Transcript

Inflatable Doll TestingSummary: Ralph Nader conducts safety “tests” on a pair of blow-up dolls.

Transcript

GarbageSummary: Gary Weis explores the world of waste management in New York.

Note: Repeat from 04/17/76.

George Benson performs “Gonna Love You More”

Youth Asks The QuestionsSummary: Students ask Ralph Nader less-than-intelligent questions.

Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Sherry.

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 11/08/75.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Baba Wawa Talks to Herself

Baba Wawa … Gilda Radner

[Despite her pronounced speech impediment, broadcastjournalist Baba Wawa sits in an easy chair andaddresses the camera.]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo! This is Baba Wawa! … I’mspeaking to you tonight from my home which you all sawon my wast special and weawwy wiked awot — wemember?… We took a wittle tour of my pwace and you got tosee some of my weawwy intewesting personal bewongings– wike a miwwow, a cwock, and a wittle wump of coal…. Pwetty engwossing. I thought so, too. That’s why,for my next special, instead of wasting time withextwaneous pewsonalities wike the Pwesident of theUnited States, the whole show’s going to be about onetewwific pewson who I weawwy wespect — me!…

Instead of talking to cewebwities, I’ll be talking tomyself. It’ll be fwee, fwank, weal and weveawing. …I’ll be taking you back to my apartment and you’llhave a ware opportunity to see some of my favowitetwinkets, incwuding my wings, my wugs, my dwapes, mypwants, my wecords, my wipsticks and my twue waisond’etwa. … Also – also, my wange, my wadiator, mywadio, my wecord pwayer, my waincoat, my nasalaspiwator, and my best fwiend, Wita Taywor….

Now, a wot of people thought my wast pwogwam waspwetty cwummy. Well, this one’s twuwy cwammed withcwever wevewations, wapport and wepartee. … So tunein to “Baba Wawa Talks to Herself.” It should bepwetty tewwific. …

[Applause and a SUPER that reads BABA WAWA TALKS TOHERSELF as we pull back and fade out.]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Carter’s Confederate Takeover

… Ralph Nader
Miss Green … Gilda Radner
Jimmy Carter …. Dan Aykroyd

[Seated at the desk in his office, consumer advocateRalph Nader confers with his secretary.]

Ralph Nader: All right, Miss Green, what timeis my flight to Plains?

Miss Green: Ah, five o’clock. Now, that’s intwo hours. Now, Mr. Nader, how long are you going tobe there?

Ralph Nader: That depends on whether he’sinterested in what I have to say.

Miss Green: Mm hm.

Ralph Nader: Did you have my other dark suitcleaned?

Miss Green: Oh, yes, sir. I cleaned your othersuit and your tie.

Ralph Nader: Okay, I’m going to sleep for acouple of hours. Wake me up when it’s time togo.

Miss Green: All right, yes, Mr. Nader.

[Miss Green exits as Nader leans back in his chair andbuckles himself into it with an over-the-shouldersafety belt. Eyes closed, he shakes his head sadly andtalks to himself:]

Ralph Nader: Ah, Carter. What a cabinet. Iwonder if he really cares what I think – now that theelection is over.

[Nader drifts off to sleep. Ethereal harp music andout-of-focus camera indicate that Nader is dreaming.Dissolve to Nader’s dream: a pair of hands peels andapplies a decal of the Seal of the the President ofthe United States to a briefcase. We pull back toreveal that the hands are those of President-electJimmy Carter. Carter sets the briefcase out of view.In the background, a sign reads: PEANUT WAREHOUSE /NO. 1 / PLAINS, GA. There is a knock at the door.Carter tosses away the decal peelings and sits at adesk.]

Jimmy Carter: [calls out] Come in!

[We hear a door open and close. Carter smiles andrises as Nader enters.]

Jimmy Carter: Oh, Ralph! It’s very nice to seeya.

Ralph Nader: [shaking hands] How areya?

Jimmy Carter: Just fine. Whyn’t you sit down?Want some, uh, peanuts?

[The men sit at Carter’s desk upon which is a pile ofunshelled peanuts. Nader takes a handful.]

Ralph Nader: I hope you’re sincere, Jimmy. I’vebeen quite critical of you lately.

Jimmy Carter: Well, I – I wanna explain to ya,Ralph that I chose my cabinet to placate theconservatives. Once I assume the role of president,I’ll be ready to implement my idealistic changes andI’ll – well, I’m glad you’re here because I want youto tell me exactly what you want me to do when Ibecome president. Go ahead, I’m all ears. [grinsbroadly]

Ralph Nader: Okay, okay, I’m delighted. Firstof all, you should call a moratorium on nuclearenergy.

Jimmy Carter: [nods] Okay. I guess you’reright. Now that you mention it, nuclear energy reallyis a – a doomsday technology. You got it. No problem.[starts making notes with a pencil]

Ralph Nader: Can you introduce a CorporateAccountability Act? Tougher anti-pollution laws?

Jimmy Carter: Brilliant. Wonderful. I’ll do it.Definitely. [makes more notes]

Ralph Nader: And if you could promote and signour bill, S-1234 to form a national consumers’cooperative bank to help finance small business andhelp give consumers sovereignty in themarketplace–

Jimmy Carter: Some of our cabinet members arereally gonna flip.

Ralph Nader: And how ’bout a Whistleblowers Actto protect people like Ernie Fitzgerald who blew thewhistle on Pentagon waste?

Jimmy Carter: Okay. You got it. Definitely.[more notes] You’ve been doin’ some good talkin’.Everything you mention is positive, dynamiclegislation. I’ll give you my word I’ll do everythingin my scope of influence to make sure that it’senacted. [shakes Nader’s hand]

Ralph Nader: That’s wonderful, Jimmy. It’sabout time this country had somebody with your couragein the Oval Office.

Jimmy Carter: You can count on it, Ralph. Say,uh, just so long as you’re here, um, uh, why don’tyou, uh, take a look at some of my plans for myinauguration? [rises, walks out of view]

Ralph Nader: Terrific. Since I’m not invited,I’d love to see what kind of inauguration you’re gonnahave.

Jimmy Carter: [from off screen] I’m gonna tellya, Ralph, this is gonna be the greatest party thisunion has ever seen. [clears throat, returns in grayConfederate army uniform, whips out sword, “Dixie”plays in background] My people have been waiting ahundred and ten years … [Nader is stunned] … forthis triumphal march of the Confederacy to Washington.Finally, the flagrant rape of the Confederacy by theYankee war dogs is gonna be avenged. …

[moves aside a red drape on the wall behind him toreveal a map of the U.S. dotted with symbols ofplanes, tanks, etc.] On Wednesday night, the FifthDivision of the Georgia National Guard … – that is,the Lillian Carter wing – in tanks and armoredpersonnel carriers, rolls north through the Carolinas.It splits here at Raleigh into a pincer-claw, to becomplemented by the George Wallace Tactical Air Wingof the Confederate Air Force. … The 20th ArmoredGroup, led by five-time NASCAR winner Cale Yarborough… will roll through Kentucky and West Virginia on tobattle emplacements here on the Shenandoah River.

Ralph, they whipped us bad at Raleigh — and atVicksburg and Memphis and Shiloh and Appomattox. Doyou know that Sherman ran a swath through Georgiafifty miles wide? Fifty miles of the choicest, mostbeautiful peanut country in the Confederacy. … Onthe night of the 20th, the Tactical Assault Brigade ofthe Greg Allman Land-Sea Brigade will seize and burnWashington. The zero-based budgeting I have proposedwill help me revalidate Confederate currency. [letsout with a rebel yell] YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

And you, Ralph Nader, the best consumer advocate inthe world — I want you workin’ with me. I have anoffice set up in Plains for ya. My men’ll take youover there now. It’s time for you to go, Ralph. Timefor you to go. Time for you to go. Time–

[Harp music as the dream ends and we dissolve back toNader’s office. His secretary wakes him.]

Miss Green: Mr. Nader, Mr. Nader, it’s time foryou to go. Oh, Mr. Nader, were you having adream?

Ralph Nader: Yeah. I guess so. I was dreamin’.[looks at his desk] But – where did all these peanutscome from?

[Nader’s desk is covered by unshelled peanuts. Hepicks some up and lets them spill from his hands asthe secretary looks on in surprise. Dramatic music andapplause as we pan up from the office set to theaudience and zoom in for a close view of a young man.SUPER: TENNIS COURT JESTER — He grins, flashes apeace sign and gets a supportive pat on the shoulderfrom a fellow audience member.]

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SNL Transcripts