Category: 1976

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

The Coneheads At Home

Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Ronnie…..Bill Murray

[ open on middle class suburban living room ]

[ Beldar Conehead enters, dressed in a winter coat over a three-piece suit with a small silver cape over the jacket, and a loose-fitting stocking cap over his head. ]

Beldar Conehead: Honey, I’m home. [ removes stocking cap to reveal a cone-shaped head ]

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads At Home” ]

Prymaat Conehead: [ enters living room ] Oh, hello, dear, you’re late. I’ll put the food into the heat.

Beldar Conehead: Yes, I’m sorry I’m late. The commuter trains were severely affected by the snow.

Prymaat Conehead: Oh well, I’m happy that you were able to arrive safely. I am engaged in preparing your favorite meal, small starch tubes combined with lactate extract of hooved mammals.

Beldar Conehead: Ah. You mean macaroni and cheese. I’m sure we will enjoy it. [ sits on couch to read paper, as Connie enters house wearing a blonde wig ]

Connie Conehead: Hi Mom, hi Dad.

Prymaat Conehead: Hello, my young one. how was school today?

Connie Conehead: [ tears off the wig, unzips snowsuit ] This wig was ineffective. The kids at school know that I am different from them.. it’s really bugging me. They want to know where I come from. Daddy, where do we come from?

Beldar Conehead: France! Just keep telling them you come from France!

Connie Conehead: No way, Dad! I’e found that to be an inadequate response!

Beldar Conehead: Maintain low tones! Maintain low tones!

Prymaat Conehead: Dear, I think the time has come to tell the young one the story of our family.

Beldar Conehead: No,I do not agree.

Prymaat Conehead: You must tell her now.. she must know.

Connie Conehead: Please inform me. A guy asked me out for a date in gym class this afternoon. I must prepare.

Beldar Conehead: Very well, the time has come for you to know. I am Beldar, this is Prymaat. We are emissaries from the planet Remulak, which is located many light years outside of this solar system. Twenty Earth years ago, the five high Masters of Remulak dispatched a fleet of Starcruisers to this solar system.

Connie Conehead: Starcruisers?

Beldar Conehead: Metallic discs powered by an anti-gravity field reactor.

Prymaat Conehead: A flying saucer, dear.

Connie Conehead: Aw, c’mon, you guys! There’s no such thing as flying saucers.

Beldar Conehead: Your mother and I were instructed to pilot our machine to Earth, seize all major centers of radio and television communication, and inform the people of the Earth that we of the planet Remulak were taking over their world.

Prymaat Conehead: Your father was to make it clear to the Earth people that the two of us were to be called the Timekeepers, that we would remain here for seven centuries, that we were to end all wars, that Earth weapons were useless against us, and that we would destroy them if they did not follow our instructions.

Connie Conehead: I ask you: what happened?

Beldar Conehead: I lost the speech I was to make. I had a speech: “People of Earth, I am the Timekeeper from the planet Remulak, your weapons are useless against us..” I lost the rest of it, the instructions, times, dates, places, the orders for the U.N..

Connie Conehead: But what became of your flying saucer?

Prymaat Conehead: It’s at the bottom of Lake Michigan.

Beldar Conehead: Your mother was at the control panel.

Prymaat Conehead: No, it was you who was guiding us.

Beldar Conehead: No, my dear, you were responsible for the control indices.

Connie Conehead: But did your planet not send a rescue ship for you?

Prymaat Conehead: No. Our planet cut back on their space program. So I got a job here as a driving instructor.

Prymaat Conehead: In order to seem less obvious on Earth, we took the names Fred and Joyce Conehead.

Beldar Conehead: Then you were born, and when your little cone was shown to us, we knew that we had no choice but to stay. We named you Connie.

Prymaat Conehead: And, besides, the schools are better here.

Beldar Conehead: I took out a mortgage on the house. Your mother joined a few clubs. Perhaps one day the High Masters of our planet will dispatch a fleet of rescue ships.

Prymaat Conehead: But until then, just do all your homework and tell everyone we come from France.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: My date is here. I must prepare my cone.

[ Connie exits upstairs, as Beldar and Prymaat answer the door to ski bum Ronnie ]

Ronnie: Mr. and Mrs. Conehead?

Beldar Conehead: Yes.

Ronnie: Hi. I’m Ronnie Guestsetter. Is Connie here?

Beldar Conehead: Enter. We were expecting you.

Ronnie: Hey, great.. I think I might be here a little early.

Prymaat Conehead: Please enter and sit down. Would you like some beer and potato chips?

Ronnie: [ sits down at couch ] Hey, that’d be great, terrfic!

Beldar Conehead: So, what mode of vehicle brought you here tonight?

Ronnie: Huh? Uh.. my father lent me one of his tow trucks.

[ Prymaat brings in the refreshments on a stainless steel surgical assist cart, loaded with six-packs of beer and large bags of potato chips ]

Beldar Conehead: Ah. Potato chips and beer. We invite you to consume freely.

[ Ronnie pops open a beer, as Belda and Prymaat consume potato chips and beer at a faster rate than any human could; Connie re-enters, with earmuffs over her cone ]

Connie Conehead: Hi, Ronnie.

Ronnie: Hi, Connie. You look great. I heard you made captain of the high-diving team.

Connie Conehead: Yes. I see you have met my parental units.

Ronnie: Yeah.. Hey, your folks really know how to put away the brew! Are you ready to go?

Connie Conehead: Yes. Good night, parents. [ buzz sound effect as she touches fingers with Beldar ] I will remember all you have told me.

Beldar Conehead: Have a good time.. guide your vehicle carefully. The snow has negatively affected road factors.

Prymaat Conehead: Return at the time coordinates we have previously agreed upon; do not be late.

Ronnie: Okay. Hey, thanks for the brew, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead. I’ll take good care of Connie.

[ the teens exit ]

Beldar Conehead: Well. Shall we play some Ring Toss before dinner?

Prymaat Conehead: Yes. That would be pleasurable.

[ they each pick up a furry Sensor Ring, and toss them onto each other’s coneheads, sighing with pleasure as they make direct contact ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 11

76k: Ralph Nader / George Benson

Inflatable Doll Testing

Burt Ingersoll … Garrett Morris
… Ralph Nader

[Consumer advocate Ralph Nader sits in his apartmentreading a magazine. On the sofa beside him is a blondeinflatable party doll. In a nearby chair, facing awayfrom him is a brunette party doll. The doorbell rings.Nader rises and answers the door to reveal Burt, ajournalist.]

Burt Ingersoll: Mr. Nader?

Ralph Nader: Call me “Ralph.”

Burt Ingersoll: [shakes hands] Hi! I’m BurtIngersoll of Changing Times magazine and it’s so goodof you to give us this interview, man.

Ralph Nader: Come on in, Burt! Let me take yourcoat. [takes coat]

Burt Ingersoll: Yeah, better close your doorthere. You better close your door there.

Ralph Nader: Oh, yeah. [shuts the door] Draft!Energy waste! … [Burt stares at party doll, thensits next to it on sofa as Nader hangs up coat, thenintroduces the blonde doll to Burt] Burt, I’d like tointroduce you to, uh, to Pam. [gestures to thebrunette doll which sits backward in the nearby chair]And I’d like to introduce you to Rita. Rita’s beennaughty this afternoon so she has to sit backwards…. Would you, uh, would you like a drink?

Burt Ingersoll: [playing it cool] Whatever yougot. And straight up.

Ralph Nader: You understand, uh, these dollsare all part of some experiments I’m running. [to theblonde doll] Uh, how ’bout a drink for you, Pam?[nods] Mm hm. [walks off to fix the drinks]

Burt Ingersoll: [glancing at the dollsuncertainly] Uh … Are you, uh, testing these dolls,uh, Mr. Nader?

Ralph Nader: Of course I’m testing these dolls![returns with drinks and sits on sofa as Burt takesnotes] I’m testing them for flame retardance. I’mtesting them for defective seams. Uh, testing them foruniform air pressure. Surface irregularities, qualitycontrol, color retention, pigment toxicity, uh,effusion rates, convection rates, uh– Here’s yourglass of wine. [hands Burt a glass] I get so excited.And here’s your sweet vermouth, Pam. [throws the drinkin her face – close view of Pam’s wet face] … [Burtstares, Nader explains] That, for instance, was atest. For high impact moisture resistance. … Yousee, I hope to explore areas of consumer protectionwhich have hitherto been ignored for reasons of tasteor public indifference.

Burt Ingersoll: Ah! And you chose inflatableparty dolls.

Ralph Nader: Exactly. What could be morenatural than to extend my investigation of air bags toinflatable party dolls?

Burt Ingersoll: [swallows drink, sets downempty glass] Uh huh. Yeah, yeah.

Ralph Nader: [to Burt] Excuse me. [to thebrunette doll, as if talking to a wayward child] Ritahad better sit up straighter. [rises and puts athreatening hand on the brunette doll as he speaks toit] Do you know what happened to Yvonne? Yvonne gotnailed to the door. Yvonne failed the nail test,didn’t she?

Burt Ingersoll: Uh uh, uh – you – you – you say- you say – failed the nail test?

Ralph Nader: [returns to sofa] I’m sure yourealize “the nail test” is a code name for certainanalytic procedures, uh, to examine possibilities ofrupture in vinyl-related substances.

Burt Ingersoll: Uh huh.

Ralph Nader: I plan to publish the results ofthese tests next year in a book called “Party Dolls:Turn-On or Rip-Off?” … Can I get you anotherdrink?

Burt Ingersoll: No, thank you.

Ralph Nader: [holds up empty glass to theblonde doll] Pam? A refill? Say, why don’t you showBurt your music box, Pam? [to Burt] I bought Pam amusic box for her birthday.

Burt Ingersoll: You don’t say? …

Ralph Nader: Burt, you have no idea howexhausting these tests are. I have to dress andundress them every day, brush their little teeth,paint their little nails. Of course, it used to beworse — [pointedly, to the brunette] — before Vickifailed the lawn mower test.

Burt Ingersoll: Wa – wa – wa – wa- wait.[rises, in disbelief] Uh, she failed the – the lawnmower test? That’s what she–?

Ralph Nader: [pointedly, to the brunette] Maybenow Miss Balloon Head will be ready to eat herspaghetti!

Burt Ingersoll: [shaken] Ah, hey, on secondthought, man, I’ll have that drink and I’ll go get itmyself. [fetches himself a much needed drink, thenreturns to stand near the sofa as Nader rises andinspects the brunette] Yes. Ha!

Ralph Nader: Listen, I’m sorry to cut thisinterview short, Burt. I think Rita is beginning toleak.

Burt Ingersoll: Hey, uh, you mean you pump herup, huh?

Ralph Nader: Not today. I have a yeastinfection.

Burt Ingersoll: Mm hm.

[Applause. Burt downs his drink. We cut to a widerview of the set, the cameras, the mikes, the crowd,etc., as Burt grabs his coat and hurriedly exits. Aswe pull back, we hear the 1957 pop hit “Party Doll”and see Gilda Radner ready herself on a nearby stageto introduce tonight’s film. After a brief glimpse ofthe balcony crowd, we dissolve to a close shot ofGilda.]

Gilda Radner: [glancing over her shoulder, thensmiling into the camera] Oh, ah, and now, here’s thisweek’s film by Gary Weis!

[More applause as we fade out. The film is “Garbage”which first appeared on SNL the previous season. Afterthe film, we zoom in on a guy in the applaudingaudience. SUPER: USED HIROHITO’S TOOTHBRUSH]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

The Band performs “Life Is A Carnival”, “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down”, and “Stage Fright”

…..The Band

Buck Henry: My special guests this evening have been on the road as a touring band for over sixteen years. This Thanksgiving, they will be doing their last live performance, and we are very honored to have them here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen – The Band.

The Band:
“You can walk on the water, drown in the sand
You can fly off a mountaintop, if anybody can
Run away, run away–it’s the restless age
Look away, look away–you can turn the page.

Hey, buddy, would you like to buy a watch real cheap
Here on the street
I got six on each arm, and two more ’round my feet.

Life is a carnival–believe it or not
Life is a carnival–two bits a shot.

Saw a man with the jinx, in the third degree
From trying to deal with people, people that you can’t see
Take away, take away, this house of mirrors
Give away, give away, all the souvenirs.

We’re all in the same boat, a-ready to float off the edge of the world
The flat old world
The street is a sideshow from the peddler to the corner girl.

Life is a carnival–it’s in the book
Life is a carnival–take another look.”

[ guitar/piano break, then rest before starting up: ]

“Virgil Caine is the name, and I served on the Danville train,
‘Til Stonewall’s cavalry came, and they tore up the tracks again.
In the winter of ’65, we were hungry, just barely alive.
By May tenth, Richmond fell, it’s a time I remember, oh so well.

The night they drove old Dixie down, when all the bells were ringing,
The night they drove old Dixie down, and all the people were singin’, they went:
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na.

Back with my wife in Tennessee, When one day she called to me,
Said, “Virgil, quick, come and see, there goes Robert E. Lee!”
Now I don’t mind choppin’ wood,
And I don’t care if the money’s no good.
You take what you need and you leave the rest,
But they should never have taken the very best.

The night they drove old Dixie down, when all the bells were ringing,
The night they drove old Dixie down, and all the people were singin’, they went:
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na.

And like my father before me, I will work the land,
And like my brother above me, who took a rebel stand.
He was just eighteen, proud and brave,
But a Yankee a-laid him in his grave,
I swear by the mud below my feet,
You can’t raise a Caine back up when he’s in defeat.

The night they drove old Dixie down, when all the bells were ringing,
The night they drove old Dixie down, and all the people were singin’, they went:
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na.”

[ rest, as the audience cheers; just as it appears the set is over, they start up once more: ]

“Now deep in the heart of a lonely kid
Who suffered so much for what he did,
They gave this ploughboy his fortune and fame,
Since that day he ain’t been the same.

See the man with the stage fright
Just standin’ up there to give it all his might.
And he got caught in the spotlight,
But when we get to the end
He wants to start all over again.

I’ve got fire water right on my breath
And the doctor warned me I might catch a death.
Said, “You can make it in your disguise,
Just never show the fear that’s in your eyes.”

See the man with the stage fright,
Just standin’ up there to give it all his might.
He got caught in the spotlight,
But when we get to the end
He wants to start all over again.

Now if he says that he’s afraid,
Take him at his word.
And for the price that the poor boy has paid,
He gets to sing just like a bird, oh, ooh ooh ooh.

Your brow is sweatin’ and your mouth gets dry,
Fancy people go driftin’ by.
The moment of truth is right at hand,
Just one more nightmare you can stand.

See the man with the stage fright
Just standin’ up there to give it all his might.
And he got caught in the spotlight,
But when we get to the end
He wants to start all over again, hmm hmm.

You wanna try it once again, hmm hmm,
Please don’t make him stop, hmm hmm,
Let him take it from the top, hmm hmm,
Let him start all over again.”

[ the audience cheers ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

The OinMENt

Ambassador Thorne …..Buck Henry
Mrs. Thorne…..Jane Curtin
Damien…..John Belushi
Nanny Baylock…..Laraine Newman
Father Gorgenhaven…..Dan Aykroyd
Photographer…..Chevy Chase

[ open to creepy music, Ambassador Thorne and his wife sitting on the couch in their living room, as creepy, stone-faced Damien sits on the floor clutching a teddy bear. Buck and Jane sport bandages on their heads, as does Damien’s teddy bear. ]

Ambassador Thorne: Damien is such a strange little boy. Even his name is strange – Damien. Why did you name him that?

Mrs. Thorne: I didn’t name him that; I thought you named him that.

Ambassador Thorne: No, I didn’t. How strange.

Mrs. Thorne: Yes. Have you ever noticed how he has this strange, almost diabolical, power over Nanny?

Ambassador Thorne: Yes. Is.. is she afraid of him? Or has she always slept in a bible?

Mrs. Thorne: By the way, where is Nanny?

[ a stomping noise can be heard eminating from upstairs ]

Ambassador Thorne: I don’t know. He must be upstairs somewhere.

[ suddenly, the bottom half of a dummy Nanny, legs dangling, appears in view from the ceiling, hung to death ]

Ambassador Thorne: Ah! There’s Nanny now! Well.. I suppose we’ll have to get a new Nanny. I hate it when Nanny hangs herself. But.. that’s what happens when you’re an ambassador.

[ title card appears over the menacing grin of Damien’s face ]

[ a new Nanny enters the house, carrying a stuffed devil dog. She pushes the legs of the old nanny aside so she can enter the living area, smiling at the Thornes with sharpened teeth ]

Nanny Baylock: Hello, I’m the new Nanny – Mrs. Baylock [ puts the stuffed devil dog down on the floor ] Staaay, Stuffy. Perhaps I could get acquainted with Damien in my own ways.

Mrs. Thorne: Swell!

Ambassador Thorne: Good.. good.

Nanny Baylock: [ approaches Damien ] Come here, Damien.. Come here, darling.. Have a liversnap! [ tosses a liversnap into Damien’s mouth ]

Ambassador Thorne: [ pleased ] Awww.. I like the new Nanny!

Mrs. Thorne: Me, too!

[ the dor opens, as Father Gorgenhaven, impaled by a street lamp with his right eye gouged, stumbles into the living area ]

Father Gorgenhaven: Ambassador Thorne! I’m Father Gorgenhaven, and I must talk to you! First, I’d like to explain: it’s hard to believe, but, on my way over here to warn you, I was impaled on this standing lamp!

Mrs. Thorne: [ expressing concern ] Can I get you a-a-a drink?

Father Gorgenhaven: No.. but I could use some Murine.

Mrs. Thorne: Right away, Father! [ to her husband ] Find out where he got that terrific lamp!

Ambassador Thorne: I shall.

Father Gorgenhaven: Ambassador Thorne! Your wife is not your son’s mother! I witnessed the birth! I saw it with my own eye!

Ambassador Thorne: [ confused ] What are you saying?!

Father Gorgenhaven: I’m saying that.. Damien is not your real son! I saw his mother! She was a d-! [ his head nods down, dead ]

Ambassador Thorne: Father? Father! Wha- [ to himself ] He was trying to tell me something, that.. Damien’s real mother was a d-.. a dockworker. No. A.. doorman! Eh.. a dreadful person.. uh.. dildo sharpener – no! A.. dart.. drama.. We’ll never know!

Father Gorgenhaven: [ momentarily alive again ] Wait! I’m not done yet! Let me put it another way! Damien had a dog for a mo-! [ his head nods down, dead ]

Ambassador Thorne: Wait! A dog for a mo-? A dog for a milkmaid.. a moth trainer.. a marriage counselor.. wait a minute. Damien had a dog for a dart sharpener.. Now, don’t die on me now, Father! I must know: where is Damien’s real mother?!

Father Gorgenhaven: [ momentarily alive again ] In the cemetary of Santa Diangelo!

Ambassador Thorne: Ahhhh..

Mrs. Thorne: [ re-enters ] Here’s your Murine, Father.

Father Gorgenhaven: Oh, thanks a lot..

Ambassador Thorne: Now, listen, honey – Father Gorgenhaven and I are going on a little trip to get him a monocle. You stay here with Dead Nanny, Live Nanny, Stuffy the Devil Dog.. uh.. Big Satan Baby, or whatever his name is.. you’ll be safe with them!

Mrs. Thorne: Oh, that will be fun!

Ambassador Thorne: Come on, Father!

Father Gorgenhaven: Aye, we must hurry!

[ the two men hurry out of the house ]

[ dissolve to a pan of tombstones in an animal cemetary, as Ambassador Thorne and Father Gorgenhaven comment on what they are iewing from offscreen ]

Ambassador Thorne V/O: Let’s see now.. there’s.. Flicka.. hmm.. Mr. Ed.. Black Beauty.. Ruffian.. what is this?

Father Gorgenhaven V/O: They seem to be late horses. Keep looking!

Ambassador Thorne: Ah.. Old Yeller.. Checkers.. and Damien’s Mother! [ tombstone literally reads “Damien’s Mother” ] My God! Why in hell do you suppose they would bury her in a pet cemetary?!

[ dissolve back to the living area of the Thorne house, where Damien is circling the floorboards in a tricycle as Nanny Baylock watches on. Mrs. Thorne lies dead in cellophane on the couch. ]

Ambassador Thorne: Oh.. oh, my God! My dear, dead darling, damp, drowned wife! Bad dog! Bad dog! [ slaps the dog with his rolled-up newspaper ] What have you done!

Father Gorgenhaven: [ stumbling back into the house ] Ahhh.. Ambassador Thorne! You shouldn’t have left me in the car alone! It took me twenty minutes to get out!

Ambassador Thorne: Listen.. one of our nannies has been hung, my wife has drowned, my son’s real mother is buried in a pet cemetary – something seems to be wrong!

Father Gorgenhaven: It is the work of Satan! He is among us! [ his head nods down, dead ]

Ambassador Thorne: Father!

[ a Photographer with a bandage on his head suddenly stumbles into the house, hitting his head on the foot of the old hanged Nanny ]

Photographer: Oh! Thank God for the bandage! Ambassador Thorn?

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Photographer: I have some pictures.

Ambassador Thorne: I’m not interested in pictures now..

Photographer: Pictures of your wife.

Ambassador Thorne: I’m not interested!

Photographer: And.. your dog.

Ambassador Thorne: I’m interested.

Photographer: Good. It’s a bit dark in here, let’s turn on the priest. [ flicks the switch on the lamp that impales Father Gorgenhaven ] Now, look at this.

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Photographer: The same thing in each shot! Look above the Nanny’s head. Three sixes. The numbers six-six-six.

Ambassador Thorne: Hmm..

Photographer: Again, above the priest’s head – the numbers six-six-six.

Ambassador Thorne: Ah.

Photographer: And again here – the same mark – six-six-six.

Ambassador Thorne: This is incredible. Where did you get these pictures?

Photographer: I got them at 6-6-6 Nightbridge. Right near the London Hill.

Ambassador Thorne: Do you have any more pictures?

Photographer: Here’s the funniest thing – at the Christmas party, I made an ass of myself!

Ambassador Thorne: [ laughs hysterically ]

Photographer: And here’s one at my wedding, I’ll never forget that..

Ambassador Thorne: [ laughs hysterically ]

Photographer: There’s some more in the car, I could get them.

Ambassador Thorne: Why don’t you, I..?

Father Gorgenhaven: [ momentarily alive again ] You FOOL!! It’s those earlier pictures!

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Father Gorgenhaven: The ones with the six-six-six!

Ambassador Thorne: What do you mean?

Father Gorgenhaven: It’s the sign of the Anti-Christ! Six-six-six! The Devil’s area code! Search for it, on the skin of the evil one!

Ambassador Thorne: Well.. what evil one..?

Father Gorgenhaven: Damien! His father was Satan! His mother was Spot.. or, whatever her name was.

Ambassador Thorne: Wait.. wait a minute.. you’re telling me, if I find three sixes on the skin of that boy, that will prove he is the Son of Satan himself?!

Father Gorgenhaven: Yes!

Ambassador Thorne: Then, what do I do?

Father Gorgenhaven: Then, it is a fight to the death! Between you and the Prince of Darkness! And remember, he’s all powerful, and can summon up all evil forces of the world against you! He’ll do anything to destroy the world and you!

Ambassador Thorne: What weapons will I have at my disposal?!

Father Gorgenhaven: You’ll have to get a specially blessed knife, from a specially blessed guy I know! Seize the fiend, and drag him off to the alter of the church of your choice!

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Father Gorgenhaven: Plunge the knife into his black heart!

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Father Gorgenhaven: Sever his limbs!

Ambassador Thorne: Yes?

Father Gorgenhaven: Grab for his kidneys, and put them in your pockets – more on that later! And set his hair on fire!

Ambassador Thorne: Wha..? Father.. it’s revolting, but I think I understand what must be done.

Father Gorgenhaven: Aye..

[ Nanny Baylock stands, holding a sharp knife over Ambassador Thorne ]

Nanny Baylock: Ambassador Thorne! I warn you! I am here to protect the child, and I’ll stop at nothing..!

Ambassador Thorne: Just a second.. we must find out.

[ Ambassador Thorne pulls back Damien’s hair in hopes of not finding the numbers 6-6-6. He does find the numbers, but can only make them out in their upside-down form from his angle. ]

Ambassador Thorne: Heyyy! It’s alright! It’s just three nines! Ahhh! Good boy, Damien! Give him a liversnap, Nursie! That’s alright! Come on, Father Gorgenhaven. Let’s go down to the all-night drugstore, and get that eye some.. ointment.

[ together, they exit the house ]

Father Gorgenhaven: About my lamp..

[ closing title card re-appears over the menacing grin of Damien’s face ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Samurai Stockbroker

Futaba…..John Belushi
Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry

[ open on interior, stockbroker’s office setting ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of.. “Samurai Stockbroker”.

[ title card appears ]

[ Futaba is checking a stock report off the tiker-tape machine, slicing the information from the machine using his trusted Futaba sword ]

[ a buzz on the desk telephone’s intercom ]

Secretary’s Voice: Mr. Dantley’s here to see you.

[ Futaba appears worried and uninterested in the arrival of Mr. Dantley, but grunts his approcal to have his client enter his office ]

[ Mr. Dantley enters the office ]

Mr. Dantley: Mr. Mikaraki? Mikariki. Listen.. I, uh.. I’m gonna get right to the point – I am very, very unhappy!

[ Futaba opens a box of cigars on his desk, offering one to his client ]

Mr. Dantley: No. No thanks, I’m trying to stop smoking.

Futaba: Oh? [ raises his sword, chops the tip off the cigar and proceeds to smoke in front of his client ]

Mr. Dantley: Ah.. now, listen to me. The margin call this morning on my stocks as higher than ever! I’m starting to panic! Do you realize that, one year ago, I was on top of the world?! I was supporting my wife and my three children.. I also had that apartment in town with that little “friend” of mine, you know who I, uhhh…

Futaba: [ understanding fully, pulls his sword from its case and slides it up and down ]

Mr. Dantley: But today, it’s a different story altogether! I believed in you! I sell all my shares of IBM, AT&T and General Motors – I sold it exactly as you told me to, and I invested them in that chain of gay sushi bars. But it didn’t work, it amounted to nothing! The stock’s gone down 11 points, look at it! [ tosses his stock folder onto the desk ] You said that this stock would split, 3 for 1!

[ in retaliation, Futaba raises his sword and rapidly chops the shock folder into three pieces, hoping this will please his client in full ]

Mr. Dantley: Well, I suppose that’s.. that’s a little bit better.. But that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. All I know is that, the third quarter net at Kentucky Mines was up 6.2%! ook at this graph! Ah! [ points to a graph on the wall, with lines going steadily up, then taking a sharp drop down ] It went great up here, and what happened? September, October, November – into the well-known toilet!

[ Futaba, who has been tugging the cigar in and out of his mouth ith a pair of chopsticks, pulls the graph from the wall and smashes it over his head, replacing the first half of the graph upon the wall to show only the stock value’s rise ]

Mr. Dantley: I see what you mean, but.. but I need security! That’s the point! Look – considering my assets, whatever they may be at this point.. would you think.. would you think that Foldger Mutual would be a good investment?

[ Futaba raises his right eyebrow, unsure ]

Mr. Dantley: What? Why don’t you figure it out for me on the machine?

[ Futaba presses a button on the wall in front of panel marked “Datbank”. The door slides open to reveal a series of abacuses ]

Mr. Dantley: Okay. Now! Consolidated sales and revenues rose 16% to 2.307 billion! That’s the net income. At $454 million, there was a gain of 91% from last year! [ Futaba mumbles ] 91%. [ Futaba mumbles ] 91%! [ Futaba now gets it ] Alright.. my question is: considering the exchange on my stocks and options at $3.95 a share, how many shares can I now afford to buy?

[ Futaba has been using his sword to calculate the beads of the abacus in order to garner a grand total. He presses the button, and a slip of paper labeled “4” pops out. ]

Mr. Dantley: Four?! Four?! Are you kidding?! I’m wiped, I’m bankrupt!! Is that what you’re telling me?! Because of your advice! Because of what you told me to do, I am totally bankrupt, it is all your fault!

[ aghast at the accusations, Futaba climbs atop his desk and pulls out his sword, prepared to perform the act of hari-kari ]

Mr. Dantley: I expected good advice from you! And what do I get? My own broker, he told me the worst things to do, and I paid attention to him! [ notices Futaba pressing the sword into his belly, quickly stops him ] Oh, wait a second.. wait a second.. it’s not entirely your fault.. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. it’s alright..

[ relieved to be alive, Futaba indicates a small hole he pierced into his belly ]

Mr. Dantley: I know, but you can plug it up. I should have.. I should have been more careful with my investments myself – how about that? I should have.. had a savings account. I’m in debt up to here, I owe everyone money.. I don’t know what to do. I know that the stress you go through with Wall Street is a big aggravation..

[ Futaba grunts, holding his stomach ]

Mr. Dantley: An ulcer?

[ Futaba nods ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, well.. I know, I know.. But I’ll tell you something. If this office had a window – boom! – I’d jump out of it.

[ Futaba expresses disbelief ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah.. Oh, yeah..

[ co-operating with his client’s wishes, Futaba thrusts his sword in the air and knocks out a hole in the wlal to create a window for his client to jump from. In the madcap frenzy of the scene, Buck Henry gets too close to John Belushi and is accidentally nicked in the forehead by Futaba sword. Buck is clearly dazed by the unexpected turn of events, momentarily putting his hand to his forehead to stop the flow of blood, but hurriedly concludes the scene. Futaba crouches over on all fours, as Mr. Dantley springs off his back and dives out the window. In the continued spirit of the live blooper, Buck crashes through the makeshift “sill” before he can completely dive out of the window. ]

[ Futaba ambles over to a felt tapestry of an airplane with little felt people in the middle, and tags up an additional person to symbolize losing another client to bad financial advice. He takes a swig of seltzer. ]

[ title card ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of.. “Futaba Stockbroker”.

[ pan out to audience, close in on woman applauding as “Doesn’t Know Applauding Causes Blindness” superimposition appears onscreen ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 6

76f: Buck Henry / The Band

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

… Chevy Chase
Jimmy Carter V/O … Dan Aykroyd
… Jane Curtin

[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open onChevy Chase who sits at the Weekend Update desk with abandage over his left temple and the desk phone to hisear.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Weekend Update withChevy Chase!

Chevy Chase: [into phone] Well, that isridiculous. There’s no proof– You can smoke as muchof it as you want, it does not affect your motorskills, all right? Emotionally, maybe. Okay? [looks upat the camera] I’ve got to go, I’ll talk to you later.[tries to hang up phone, misses, tries again, misses,etc., eventually places receiver in its cradle with agrin]

Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re Rod McKuen…. Our top story tonight:

Buck Henry cuts himself in the forehead in a sketch onthe Saturday Night show. … [applause] … as a fargone and downed and drugged-out John Belushi hits himwith a sword. …

Well, the first election returns are in. Gerald Ford,zero. Jimmy Carter, zero. … More on these figures asthey come in. …

John D. Ehrlichman, one of the Nixon Administration’smost powerful advisors, has voluntarily entered afederal prison camp to serve sentences for hisWatergate crimes. Last minute advice from his lawyerswere that he keep quiet about his pending appeal andthat he avoid fraternizing with the inmates — orbending over for the soap in the shower. …

[Photo of Betty Ford kissing a dog] Campaigning on herown in Michigan this week, Betty Ford won first placein a local dog smelling contest. … The First Ladyrevealed that she had plenty of experience in theWhite House with Ford’s golden retriever Liberty!…

[Photo of Gerald Ford kissing a beauty pageantcontestant] In an effort to encourage Americans to gettheir swine flu inoculations, President Ford went toAtlantic City this week where he swallowed ahypodermic syringe and personally vaccinated MissAmerica in the face. …

[holds up a sheet of paper, smiles] More news!

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Robert Dole –pronounced “Dole” — … recently laid blame for WorldWar II on a Democratic administration. Today,he went one step further. Addressing a group ofJapanese-Americans, Dole called it — called World WarII, quote, “a slur on the good name of Japan.” … Andpromised, if elected, to change the name of “PearlHarbor” to something less offensive to the Japanesecommunity — for example, “Surprise City.” …

Serious note: Michael Goldbaum, a media expert who hasbeen producing President Ford’s televisioncommercials, was fired yesterday when it wasdiscovered that he also produces hard-core pornographyfilms. The Ford people caught on when a recentcampaign ad with the announcement, “There’s a changecoming over this land,” showed Susan Ford wearingspiked heels, manacles and a Bicentennial dog collarwhile a masked Nazi tattooed “Vote for My Dad” allover her body. …

In a related story, as the presidential electioncampaign winds toward its end, both candidates havedecided, in a last minute display of good faith, NOTto release especially hard-hitting televisioncommercials. However, Weekend Update was ableto obtain two of them. Here is the first suchcommercial:

[Dissolve to film featuring Democratic candidate JimmyCarter working on his farm.]

Jimmy Carter V/O: I think the people of Americaneed a new kind of president. A president who feelsyour pain and shares your dreams, who lusts yourlusts. [Cut to woman in bikini] … Now, I try not tocommit a deliberate sin. [Cut to a montage of Carterkissing, shaking hands and talking with a variety ofwomen on the campaign trail] I recognize that I’mgonna do it anyhow because I’m human and I’m tempted.And Christ set some almost impossible standards forus. Christ says: “I tell you that anyone who looks ata woman with lust has, in his heart, already committedadultery.” Now, I’ve looked on a lot of women withlust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.This is something that God recognizes I will do. [Cutto woman sashaying on beach in bikini] And I have doneit. And God forgives me for it. And I hope you forgiveme. And I hope Rosalyn will. Thank you.

[SUPER: Vote for Gerald Ford – Amy Carter hugs herfather as the film fades out. 2ND SUPER: Paid for andAuthorized by The Committee to Re-elect thePresident]

Chevy Chase: Of course, that was the GeraldFord commercial. And now, here is the Jimmy Cartercommercial coming right up now on your screen.

[Fade out on Chevy. Fade in on film of PresidentGerald R. Ford in the Oval Office, addressing thenation on September 8, 1974.]

President Gerald R. Ford: As we are a nationunder God, so I am sworn to uphold our laws with thehelp of God. And I have sought such guidance andsearched my own conscience with special diligence todetermine the right thing for me to do with respect tomy predecessor in this place, Richard Nixon, [Shot ofFord and Nixon walking with their wives down a redcarpet] and his loyal wife and family. [Shot ofNixon’s family walking down the same redcarpet]

I deeply believe in equal justice for all Americans…[Shot of Ford and Nixon standing together laughing,huge grins on their faces]

Now, therefore, I, Gerald R. Ford, President of theUnited States, pursuant [clears his throat] to thepardon power conferred upon me by Article II, Section2, of the Constitution, have granted and by thesepresents do grant a full, free, and absolute pardonunto Richard Nixon for all offenses against the UnitedStates which he, Richard Nixon, has committed or mayhavecommitted or taken part in during the period from July20, 1969 through August 9, 1974.

[Ford, having mistakenly said “July” instead of”January,” now signs the proclamation pardoning Nixonas SUPER reads: FOUR MORE YEARS]

Don Pardo V/O: Four more years.

[Footage of a grinning Nixon energetically waving hisarms above his head, flashing a peace sign with eachhand. SUPER: Vote for Carter – Fade out on Nixon. 2NDSUPER: Paid for and Authorized by The Committee toElect Jimmy Carter – Applause. We return to a dozingChevy at the WU desk, in front of a photo of a numberof wrecked automobiles. Chevy wakes up andgrins.]

Chevy Chase: Still to come, the Presidentialmotorcade makes a pit stop, after thismessage.

[ Dissolve to ad parody for Super Bat-o-Matic ’77. ]

Chevy Chase: This item just in: [sings]Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, My– [stopssinging, gives someone offscreen a quizzical look,then, into the camera] I’m sorry. [sets the bulletinaside]

And now, here is correspondent Jane Curtin with”People in the News.”

[Jane, seated next to Chevy, also has a bandage on herforehead.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Chevy. In “People inthe News” tonight, actor Sammy Davis, Jr. had a closecall with death when his turquoise necklaceaccidentally became tangled with his wrist and anklebracelets … during a fake laughter rehearsal lastnight in Las Vegas. … [applause] Warren Beatty hassigned to do a sequel to “Shampoo.” The original titlewas to be “Blow Dry” but has been tentatively changedto “Older and Softer.” …

But the big news is, of course, that Saturday Nightstar Chevy Chase is leaving the tasteless late nightshow to replace Johnny Carson on “The Tonight Show” inHollywood. Carson, stepping down after almost fifteenyears, says he just wants to relax now, do a littletraveling and drinking, and read Monty Hall’s bookagain. … Chase says he’s looking forward tointerviewing self-indulgent Las Vegas performers andmeaningless personalities every single day for thenext ten years. … He considers it a challenge and animportant step in the communications field. And that’s”People in the News.”

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Jane. Well, this week,the TV networks announced that “The Bill Cosby Show,””Ball Four,” “Spencer’s Pilots,” “Mr. T and Tina,” and”Gemini Man.” [stops reading, sets bulletin aside]…

And now, Weekend Update’s Game of the Week.

[Chevy takes a sharp letter opener in one hand, putshis other hand flat on the desk with the fingersspread out, then rapidly and alternately puts thesharp end of the letter opener on the desk between hisoutstretched fingers, somehow managing to avoidstabbing himself. Applause. Chevy puts letter openeraway. Phone rings. Startled, Chevy eyes it with askeptical grin, then answers.]

Chevy Chase: Hello? … Hello? Who? … Oh,yes. I’ll accept the charges. Hi, Francisco, how areya? … How’s your back? … Good. No, I’ll probablybe back and forth, you know how it is. … Well, youjust, uh, put your legs under a pillow, you’ll feelmuch better. … Uh huh … Well, it’s good talking toyou, yes. Shall we send you an absentee ballot? …Okay. So long now. [hangs up]

[Side by side photos of Ford and Carter – Ford has abig, black, curly handlebar mustache painted on hislip] Well, the election is all but upon us and it’s animportant election. In the past weekend– Or: [SUPER:COMMENTARY] In the past, Weekend Update has maintaineda professional objectivity about major events of theworld, never taking sides, always endeavoring topresent all perspectives on all the issues regardlessof personal feelings. For this reason, in keeping withour policy of fairness, we will not endorse either ofthe candidates for the presidency. [applause]

And that’s the news tonight. Thank you for joining us.Good night and have a pleasant breakfast.

[Cheers and applause as we pull back and fade out onChevy who sits grinning with his hands interlacedbefore him, perhaps contemplating the fact that thisis his last regular appearance as the WUanchor.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


November 13th, 1976

Dick Cavett

Ry Cooder

None

Joe Dicso

Chevy Chase

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel

Neil Levy

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Davis

Al Franken
Chroma-TrakSummary: Chroma-Trak girl Gilda Radner’s colors aren’t what they appear to be when viewed on Garrett Morris’ television.

Transcript

Montage

Dick Cavett’s MonologueSummary: Dick Cavett fills in for Elliott Gould, then reads and answers questions submitted by the audience.

Transcript

Puppy Uppers/Doggie DownersSummary: The right mix of uppers and downers to keep your dog peppy and under control.

Transcript

Blonde AmbitionSummary: In his memoirs, John Dean (Dick Cavett) recalls how then-President Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) tried to pin Watergate on him.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, John Dean, Maureen Dean, Henry Kissinger.

Transcript

Ry Cooder performs “Tattler”

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Laraine Newman reports on the recent cremation of Smokey the Bear.

Transcript

The MarinesSummary: A gay Marine (Garrett Morris) tries to pick up a few good men.

Transcript

CrossroadsSummary: A communications breakdown persists.

Mobile ShrinkSummary: In a preview for new Fall programming, Chevy Chase plays a psychiatrist who makes housecalls wherever a patient is currently located.

Transcript

How Things WorkSummary: Mr. Merle Tadburney (Dick Cavett) explains to Jane Curtin how pressure groups work, and how they enabled him to become a guest on tonight’s show.

Transcript

The Paramount Novelty StoreSummary: Gary Weis’ short film chronicles a novelty store owner who has to explain the joke of each item in her inventory.

Note: Repeat from 1/24/76.

The Bee HeritageSummary: How a pair of bees (John Belsuhi, Laraine Newman) overcame past discrimination.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Ry Cooder performs “He’ll Have To Go”

Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime TalesSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) tells the story of “The Blind Chicken.”

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.

Transcript

Funny Word SurveySummary: Scientists Al Franken and Tom Davis find out which random words from the dictionary are the funniest.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Blonde Ambition

Senator’s Voice…..Al Franken
John Dean…..Dick Cavett
Attorneys…..Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel
President Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Rose Mary Woods…..Gilda Radner
Henry Kissinger…..John Belushi
Maureen Dean…..Jane Curtin

[ open on John Dean testifying in court ]

[ SUPER: “Senate Watergate Hearings, June 27, 1973” ]

Senator’s Voice: Order!! Order!!

[ a gavel bangs ]

Senator’s Voice: So, uhhh — uhhh — Mr. Dean! Uhh, would you stand on, uhh — swear on the, uhh — the, uhh — the Bi — Bi — Bible?

John Dean: Bible.

Senator’s Voice: The Bible? That, uh — the President — authorized the use of a million dolars in the, uhh — uhh — hush, uhh — hush —

John Dean: Hush money.

Senator’s Voice: Money?

John Dean: Uh, hush money. That is correct, Senator, yeah.

Senator’s Voice: Uhh — uhh — uhh, are you aware of the, uhh — uhh — implications of what you, uhh — uhh — of what you, uhh — uhh —

John Dean: Testified?

Senator’s Voice: Uhh —

John Dean: Divulged?

Senator’s Voice: Uhh —

John Dean: Asserted?

Senator’s Voice: Uhh —

John Dean: Replied?

Senator’s Voice: Uhh —

John Dean: Sounds like, uhh —

Senator’s Voice: Of what, uhh — uhh — you just said!

John Dean: Yes, I am. Yes, I am, Sir. It means that the President is guilty of an impeachable offense, and it also means that I can make a bundle by writing a book about it.

[ superimpose Dean’s book — BLONDE AMBITION: The White House Years — over his image ]

John Dean V/O: My decision to testify before the Senate Select Committee was made of a fateful day in April of 1973.

[ ripple dissolve to flashback of President Richard Nixon and Rose Mary Woods in the Oval Office ]

John Dean V/O: I was outside the Oval Office, waiting to talk with the Commander-in-Chief, the leader of the free world, Richard M. Nixon.

President Richard Nixon: So… Rosemary… as soon as Sammy left the room, I said, “All he wants is good sex, comfortable shoes, and a warn place to go to the bathroom!”

[ they share the laugh ]

Rose Mary Woods: Oh, Mr. President! You certainly know how to tell a joke!

President Richard Nixon: Yeah. Remind me to tell that one to Butts — he loves a good joke now and again. Now, about this Dean thing. So, we’re ready if he, uh, sings to that wop, Sirica, right?

Rose Mary Woods: Uh, yes. Uh —

[ Henry Kissinger barges into the Oval Office ]

Henry Kissinger: Mr. President! Mr. President!

President Richard Nixon: Henry! You can’t barge in here like this!

Henry Kissinger: But, Mr. President, this is an emergency! Brezhnev is threatening to send troops into the Middle East.

President Richard Nixon: Well, I don’t care! Do whatever you want! I’ve got a MILLION things on my mind!

Henry Kissinger: Aw-ha! Mr. President, you shouldn’t spend so much time on Vatergate.

President Richard Nixon: Henry, not now! I’m busy! Please!

Henry Kissinger: Oh, you’re busy? Vellll… I quit! See you later, pal! [ he turns to leave ]

President Richard Nixon: NO!! Don’t quit!!

Henry Kissinger: Oh, no! I’m gone! See you later!

President Richard Nixon: Please, don’t quit! I NEED you, Henry!

Henry Kissinger: Yeah, sure…

President Richard Nixon: I’ll give you ANYTHING you want!

Henry Kissinger: Anything I vant?

President Richard Nixon: Yeah. Whatever you want! Anything you want. Henry, please, just don’t quit on me now!

Henry Kissinger: [ he smirks ] How about a raise?

President Richard Nixon: Okay, you’ve got it.

Henry Kissinger: I got a raise? Uhhh… I vant a silver Stingray…

President Richard Nixon: No problem!

Henry Kissinger: Uhh… I vant to take girls into the Blue Room…

President Richard Nixon: Go right ahead!

Henry Kissinger: Annnnddd… I vant to play golf at a country club where they don’t allow Jews. [ he smirks ]

President Richard Nixon: [ stung ] Gee, Henry… that might be tough, I… I don’t know…

Henry Kissinger: Sorry, pal! Nice vorking vith ya’! See ya’ later!

President Richard Nixon: Alright, alright!! I’ll put you in a foursome with Billy Graham and Frank Fitzimmons!

Henry Kissinger: Alright! Now you’re talking! Alright, I’ll talk to, uhhh — how about the viretaps? Can I viretap anybody I vant?

President Richard Nixon: Anybody you want!

Henry Kissinger: Oh, that’s good! Alright, I’ll take care of the Brezhnev thing, I’ll talk to him, I’ll put him out…

President Richard Nixon: Good, good, good!

Henry Kissinger: [ as he glances at Rose Mary ] Wait a minute… Rose Mary! [ he steps closer ] Rose Mary, I’ve always wanted to tell you this: but, for a woman your age, you are extremely unattractive!

Rose Mary Woods: [ smiling ] That’s very diplomatic of you, Mr. Kissinger.

President Richard Nixon: Just get out of here, Henry! Please!

Henry Kissinger: Alright, alright, I’ll see you later!

President Richard Nixon: Alright!!

[ Kissinger exits the Oval Office, as Nixon returns to his desk ]

President Richard Nixon: Now, about this De-e-e-ean thing…

Rose Mary Woods: Uh — yes, Mr. President. He’s waiting outside. Now, I’ve, uh, typed up this letter of resignation that was drafted by Mr. Ehrlichman, for Mr. Dean to sign.

President Richard Nixon: [ reading ] Hmm… Good! Good! If he signs this, I’m home-free! Oh, and, Rose Mary — would you turn on the tape machine, please?

Rose Mary Woods: Oh, yes, Mr. President. [ she turns on the recordin device ]

President Richard Nixon: Ha ha! If I’m gonna try to get Dean to incriminate himself and make me look innocent! A tape could come in handy as evidence.

Rose Mary Woods: Uh, yes, Mr. President.

President Richard Nixon: Boy, what a GREAT idea this taping system is! Oh, boy! Am I gonna make Dean look STUPID! Oh! Is he gonna look like an IDIOT!!

Rose Mary Woods: You’re a genius, Mr. President.

President Richard Nixon: Yes, I am! Now, once I get DEan on tape, there’s no way I could accidentally erase it, is there?

Rose Mary Woods: Oh, no. All it can do is Play and Record. I’m the only one who can erase it accidentally.

President Richard Nixon: Oh, good! Thanks, Rose Mary, you sure are loyal.

Rose Mary Woods: Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

President Richard Nixon: Now, send Dean in, please.

Rose Mary Woods: Yes. Oh! Mr. President, one more thing. Be sure to have Mr. DEan talk into the lamp.

President Richard Nixon: The lamp. Okay.

[ Rose Mary exits, as Nixon picks up the desk lamp and practices ]

President Richard Nixon: Testing! Testing, 1-2! Testing, 1-2! [ he looks around, then starts to sing into the lamp ] “Once, there was a silly ol’ ram / And he dug a hole in that dam / No one could make that ram, scram / He kept, hitting that dam / ‘Cause he had, high hopes! / He had, high –“

[ Dean enters, flustering Nixon ]

President Richard Nixon: John! Well, John! I was just, uh, sitting here singing to relax. I’ve been working so hard in the business of running the country and national security matters and such, that I… really haven’t had time to think about Watergate.

John Dean: Uh, I see. Well, Mr. President, I only came to say — well, I want to say — I don’t know how to put this, but you do understand, don’t you, that I’m loyal —

President Richard Nixon: John! Do you remember in March, when you came in and told me that there was a “cancer” growing in the presidency?

John Dean: I certainly do, Sir, yes. Yes, I do.

President Richard Nixon: That was the first time I heard about it — right? [ he thrusts the desk lamp into Dean’s face ]

John Dean: Well, uh, yes, that — well, that would be true, if you do choose to take that line of defense, sir. That’s why I believe you must clear the air, because my feeling is that Sirica will not stop at Hunt and Liddy.

President Richard Nixon: John, I know that Judge… John Sirica… is a fine and fair jurist in the tradition of the Italian people.

John Dean: Yes. Sir, I just hope that nothing I would ever say would lead the prosecutors to — well — to call for your impeachment.

President Richard Nixon: John! You know, John, the first time I ever understood the sancity of the presidency was… after Ike had his heart attack. I sat behind this very desk here, and I said to myself, “Someday I’m going to have my own presidency. And there’s going to be some changes made. I –” [ he notices Dean looking at the bookcase ] What are you looking at?

John Dean: Oh, uh, nothing. I-I just couldn’t help noticing that your Shakespeare volumes are titled MacBeth, Romeo & Juliet, Record, Stop, Fast-Forward, Rewind, The Merchant of Venice, Sir.

President Richard Nixon: Uh, yeah — well — John, come here an sit down! Will you, please? Just sit in my chair here, and see how it feels — as it were. Just relax for a moment. [ Dean sits ] You know, my aunt who lives in Modesto, California — she’s a, she’s a handwriting analyst. She does it as a hobby, sort of. Well, she’d be THRILLED if she had your signature among her collecton. Why don’t you just sign this piece of paper, and I’ll send it out there. She’ll get a BIG kick out of it!

John Dean: Yes, Sir. Just put my name right here?

President Richard Nixon: Just put your name there, she’d get a big kick out of it!

John Dean: Wait a minute. [ he holds up the paper ] This is a letter. [ reading ] “Dear, Mr. President. Please accept my immediate resignation because of my responsibility for the Watergate cover-up. Also, for the secret war in Combodia and the ITT incident. Ehrlichman and Haldemann knew nothing. I just hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I am not a bottom-dwelling slug; you are not a crook. Signed: John Dean.” But —

President Richard Nixon: [ pretends to be stunned ] Wha-a-a-a-atttt?! Wha-a-a-att?! Let me see that! [ he grabs the paper ] Isn’t that WEIRD?! Well, isn’t that something! That — that really is a MYSTERY, John! That’s a STUMPER if EVER I saw one, John! Why, isn’t that STRANGE!

[ ripple dissolve back to the present, John Dean seated in a jail cell ]

John Dean V/O: That was the last time I spoke with Richard Nixon. A year-and-a-half later found a new president in the White House, and me, Ehrlichman and Haldemann on a minimum security prison. It was visiting day, and my wife, Mo, had come to see me.

[ reveal Dean typing up his memoirs in prison; he turns to see Maureen seated next to him ]

Maureen Dean: How’s the book coming?

John Dean: Oh, hello, Mo. Uh — just great. It’s doing nicely.

Maureen Dean: Have you seen today’s paper?

John Dean: No. Why.

[ music sting ]

[ she hands him the newspaper ]

John Dean: On the front?

[ she nods ]

John Dean: “Ford Pardons Nixon”?! I don’t believe it! And… only Nixon. Well, he’ll nbever have to admit anything!

Maureen Dean: Do you have anything on Ford in your book?

John Dean: Yes, I do. A couple of things.

Maureen Dean: [ thinking ] Ford will probably run in ’76.

John Dean: Yeah?

Maureen Dean: Why don’t you release your book right before the election?

John Dean: [ excited ] That’s a GREAT idea! That’ll ensure two things: big slaes for my book, and a presidency for Hubert Humphrey!

[ pull back on wide shot of set, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Full-Frontal Nudity Cookbook” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Funny Word Survey

…..Dick Cavett
…..Tom Davis
…..Al Franken

Dick Cavett: NBC has asked that we take part in a survey, and there are two research scientists here for that. so, will you please welcome Drs. Franken and, um, Davis, is it?

Dr. Tom Davis: Yes. Thank you, Dick Cavett.

[ Franken and Davis enter, dressed in lab coats ]

[ Al Franken places a boombox-sized device onto a stool ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Thank you, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Dr. Thomas James Davis. This is my, um, this is my associate, Dr. Alan S. Franken. We’re from Johns Hopkins Department of Semantic Psychology. Uh, not, of course, to be confused with Semetic Psychology, which is a different story altogether! [ he laughs ] Thank you! Thank you. Uh, we are conducting a survey for NBC, citting the psychosemantic relationship of words and humor. Why, for example, does the word “potato” NEVER fail to get a laugh? [ he laughs ] Thank you. So, uh — thank you – so, we have, uh, chosen to use this technique, then, to measure your audience laugh response tonight to five words which we’ve selected from the dictionary at random. And, to do this, we have the latest in equipment developed in this field by my associate and myself. We will be working with the Laugh-ograph, and the Teehee-ometer, which we have synthesized.

Dr. Al Franken: Sometimes, when we’re just joking around the lab, we call it the, uh, Hardy-Hardi-ograph!

[ Davis tries to stifle his laughter ]

Dr. Tom Davis: True story! True story! It gets a little ZANY sometimes in the lab. Ay any rate, we’ll be using this equipment to be able to, uh — [ he laughs ] immediately compute your audience laugh response, so, if you’re all ready now — of course, I know I am. I’ll hand the official survey instructions to my associate. He’ll break the seal and read the instructions, and we’ll be able to begin tonight’s survey, so I’ll havd the floor over to my associate, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, Dr. Davis!

Dr. Tom Davis: You’re welcome, Dr. Franken.

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you very much.

Dr. Tom Davis: [ waving him on ] Just start. Just start.

[ Dr. Franken stares at Dr. Davis, then finally begins ]

Dr. Al Franken: The official audience instructions: Try to avoid unneccessary associations with sexuality… beastiality… anality… the… [ embarrassed, he tries to avoid looking at his instructions ] female mammory glands… [ he adjusts his tie ] or the… [ once again, he struggles through his embarrassment ] fellopian tubes. [ he adjusts his tie ] Try to keep your minds as BLANK as possible. It may be helpful to think about TV bowling.

Dr. Tom Davis: Ready? Word #1.

Dr. Al Franken: Wazoo!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #2.

Dr. Al Franken: Vaseline!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #3.

Dr. Al Franken: Sand!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Word #4.

Dr. Al Franken: [ once again embarrassed ] Finger!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken turns to look away ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Finally, Word #5.

Dr. Al Franken: Pubic!

[ Dr. Davis shoves Dr. Franken ]

Dr. Al Franken: [ looking again ] PUBLIC!

[ Dr. Davis takes notes, as Dr. Franken adjusts the synthesizer ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Alright, thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen, for your very kind cooperation. Now, if the equipment has been operating properly, we should have the results of tonight’s survey, so I’ll hand the floor to my associate, Dr. Franken, for the results of tonight’s survey. Dr. Franken?

[ Dr. Franken pulls the results from the machine ]

Dr. Al Franken: Here we go. [ he clears his throat ] The official — [ he looks up as Dr. Davis peers over his shoulder ] Thank you, by the way, Dr. Davis.

Dr. Tom Davis: You’re welcome, Dr. Franken!

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you very much.

[ Dr. Davis shoves Dr. Franken ]

Dr. Tom Davis: Just read it!

Dr. Al Franken: Okay, okay! [ reading ] The official audience results! This audience ranks in the lowest percentile in the nation, in terms of mental and emotional stability. But, in the upper percentile here in New York.

Dr. Tom Davis: Ladies and gentlemen… we’re not actually research scientists! allow us to remove our disguises — [ they remove their lab coats ] We’re the comedy team of Franken & Davis!

Dr. Al Franken: Thank you, and good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 7

76g: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

Chroma-Trak

…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Gilda Radner, dressed in vivid, multicolored clothing, make-up, and accessories, smiling before the camera ]

Announcer: And now, Gilda Radner speaks out for Chroma-Trak.

Gilda Radner: My hair… is red! My eyes… are blue! My scarf… is yellow! The people at Chroma-Trak paid me a LOT of money to tell you that my top… is green!

[ cut to Garrett Morris watching in his living room, confused that the colors Gilda describes don’t match what’s on his TV screen ]

Garrett Morris: Green?!

Gilda Radner: My belt… is black! My gloves… are brown!

[ Garrett frantically begins to twist the Tint knob on his set, making Gilda turn a variety of other colors and shades ]

Garrett Morris: I just paid $600 for this thing…!

Gilda Radner: My bracelets… are orange…

[ Garrett flips the set off, then on again, while yelling at it ]

Gilda Radner: … purple… yellow… brown…

Garrett Morris: I don’t see anything!!

[ Garrett begins to smack the sides of his TV st, causing Gilda to jump around inside the image ]

Garrett Morris: $600!! $600!!

[ Garrett finally smacks the top of the TV, causing Gilda to fall out of the image to the floor in a manner similar to how Chevy Chase used to open the show each week ]

[ Gilda finally stands up within the TV screen, as the image dissolves to Gilda on the SNL stage ]

Gilda Radner: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts