Dick Cavett: Say, this one of those moments that you dream about, or have nightmares about, because we were supposed to be WAY over. But we have about a minute-and-a-half to kill here, uh, and this is the traditional part of the show where the host says what a wonderful time he had. Uh — so I can say that very slowly, which would kill the time, or I could tell the truth and tell you what a rotten time I’ve had, playing the part of Elliott Gould here tonight. But, uh, that isn’t true, either. So, the fact is, this is one of the WITTIEST groups of people I’ve ever worked with. [ the audience applauds for an extended period of time ] That’s right. That isn’t helping, because we still have some time. Uh, I’ve got some stuff left over from The Big Event that I didn’t get on this weekend… [ he begins making a few quick hand shadows ] I could do some mroe hand shadows — let’s see, what else? Uh, say something. So I guess we’re just about out of time. Thank you, bless you, and, if you’re driving, why the hel are you watching television? I don’t know what we’re talking about! Are we out yet? No? Good night!
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Paul Simon, with a special remote appearance by George Harrison. Wasn’t he one of The Beatles, or something? I don’t know, they were looooong before my time! I only go back to The Modernaires! [ singing ] “I will never smile again / I smile at you…” This is Smilin’ Don Pardo saying, “Good Night!” [ he continues to sing until the fade-out ]
[ as Cavette approaches Home Base, he shakes an audience member’s hand and dons a Nixon farewell pose ]
Dick Cavett: Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Say, it’s nice of you to be here, and it’s nice of me to be here. [ light, confused laughter from the audience ] You may wonder what I mean by that, but, the fact is, the producer called me — Mr. Michaels, quite agitated — uh, if you read TV Guide, don’t complain to them, because it says that Elliott Gould is hosting tonight. Elliott was going to host tonight, but they called me and said, “Can you come in?” This was not to be my week, because Elliott actually, uh — everything was ready to go, and his doctor advised him that he could make a great deal more money on the Olivia Newton-John special. So he isn’t here, but I really did leap into the breach, and thank you for your — uh, and to Elliott fans, I’ll do the best I can.
[ Cavett opens his jacket and pulls a stack of cards out of his pants ]
We had these cards handed out because I’ve always wanted to know what the audience thinks when it comes to this show, and, also, I thought having a card that says: “I would like to ask Dick Cavett the following question…” would make it quite clear who the host is tonight. So… I’ll just run through these:
“How did it feel being married to Barbra Streisand?”
[ Cavett shakes his head and continues ]
“Have you ever been in therapy? We’re available for consultation. Marty Steinberg and Debbie Lombardi.”
Are you here? [ he looks around ] Leave a picture of your couch.
“Do you enjoy live audiences?”
Uh — yes. In fact, we’re thinking of bringing one in here. [ he smiles ] I’m sorry, I think we’re gonna be okay.
“I know your wife is a Broadway actress. You never talk about her on TV.”
Uh, I don’t see why I should — she never mentions me in her plays.
There’s more. “How does it feel to be married to a beautiful blonde dish?”
[ he chuckles ]
You’d have to ask her!
[ the audience groans slightly ]
“First you appear on “The Big Event”, and now this. Don’t you have any taste?”
[ he smiles ] Listen — a lot of shows, it’s better to be on them than to watch them. It’s a big advantage. This show’s fun, because you get a lot of exercise, you get no rehearsal, you run from set to set… the next day, you get exercise because people throw things at you on the street — this is a fun show to do.
“How does it feel to be so short… in a world of mental… G-A-I..?” You probably meant giants, didn’t you? [ he shakes his head ]
“I don’t like to come to your town any more. What makes New York so crummy these days?”
[ without hesitation ] Tourists.
[ wild applause from the audience ]
[ smiling ] I must remember that!
“Would you patronize a streetwalker?”
No, I would treat her as an equal.
I don’t know, there’s a theme running through these: “Have you ever committed adultery, in your mind?”
Uh — not in my mind! It’s far too crowded there.
“Who do you think has the most charisma between Ford and Carter?”
Actually, anybody, between Ford and Carter…”
[ scattered applause ]
“I hear you were in a commercial. Which?”
I assumed everybody knew this — I’m the Pillsbury Doughboy.
“Is there any commercial you wouldn’t do?”
Uh — I would not be that guy, you know, in the toilet in the little boat. He’s, uh, he’s not the only person in television whose career is in the toilet, but he’s making money on it!
“With what fraternity were you affiliated at Yale?”
Uh, I-I wasn’t in one. I just don’t like the idea of, uh — I couldn’t afford it! But my roommates and I had the same fun, as if we were in one. We, uh, you know, we’d get nude and drink beer and throw up on each other.
[ the audience applauds ]
“Do you believe in deja vee, or vu? If you do, is there anything that’s happened in your past that’s occurred recently?”
Uh — no.
“Do you believe in deja vee, or vu? If you do, is there anything that’s, uh…?” [ he smiles, as the audience groans ]
“Please take your –” Lady says: “Please take your shirt off. Kathy.”
I’ll make a deal with you, Kathy.
“You’ve had Barbara Walters — is she worth five million dollars?” [ he laughs at the wording ]
May I skip one down here? [ he flips through the cards ]
Let’s see… I do not believe this. In all the time I’ve been asked questions… “Are you hung, in proprtion to your height?” [ the audience chuckles ] Do you want to see it, if it’s on there?
The ratio’s 5 to 1 — but I’m not saying which way.
[ the audience applauds ]
“How do you get a date with Robert Redford?”
I usually dress sexy, and uh…” [ the audience laughs ] Say, you’re wonderful! Let’s do this all again, shall we? We’ll be right back, after this message.
[ Music: gentle solo piano, in background throughout sketch. The evil Mr. Mike — a thin, bearded man in dark suit and glasses — sits facing the camera in front of a gray wall. Weird, shadowy lighting. A superimposed text reads: “Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tales.” Text fades out and camera slowly moves forward to a close-up as Mr. Mike addresses the audience. ]
Mr. Mike: Good evening, I’m Michael O’Donoghue — or “Mr. Mike,” as my friends like to call me — and tonight’s Least-Loved Bedtime Tale is entitled “The Blind Chicken.”
[ as if reading a story to children ] There once lived, on the edge of an alligator-infested lagoon, a blind chicken. He was very happy. Or about as happy as you can be if you’re a blind chicken.
One day there is a knock on the door of his coop. Knock-knock-knock. “Who is it?” asked the chicken. [ insincere voice ] “I’m a, uh, uh– Oh, what do you call those things? They’re yellow and they have the, uh, webbed feet, um– [ snaps his fingers, trying to remember ] You know what I’m talkin’ about. They’re always splashin’ around in the water and they go ‘quack’ or somethin’?”
“A duck?” suggested the chicken.
[ insincere voice ] “Uh, yeah, that’s it,” the voice answered. “I’m a duck.”
“Oh, come right in, Mr. Duck,” said the chicken, unlocking the door. “You know, for a second there, I was afraid you might be one of those alligators that infest the– GLOCK! EEARGH! URK! URK!” [ head shakes violently, as if being torn off by alligator ]
[ calmly, after a slight pause ] And the alligator ate the chicken.
Ahhhh, that’s about it, except, uh, three, four months later, the alligator was sunning himself on the highway and he was run over by a bus. A, um, big Greyhound Scenicruiser®. No, wait, I’m sorry. I was just kidding. What actually happened was the alligator was in the forest, sunning himself on a log, when he was run over by a hovercraft.
In any case, he was, uh, just mashed. The end.
In closing, I would like to leave you with this thought about love:
“Love is a death camp in a costume.” Good night.
[Applause. Camera pulls back, image and music fade out.]
[ Jill is visiting Joy, whose dog is lying like a lox on the living room floor. Joy throws a ball at the dog, but he just stares at it as it rolls by. ]
Joy: Gee, Sparky’s been acting dull and listless lately. I just don’t know what’s wrong with him.
Jill: My dog Skippy used to be like that.. until I found out about.. [ reaches for box and pulls out a puppy upper ] ..Puppy Uppers. Puppy Uppers pep up your pooch, plus, they help control his weight.
[ Joy feeds Puppy Upper to Sparky ]
[ ripple dissolve to Sparky rolling over, doing back flips, leaping about, and acting speedy ]
[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]
[ close-up of Sparky jumping up on Joy ]
Joy: Maybe it’s me, Jill, but I’d say Sparky’s perked up a little too much.
Jill: No argument there, Joy. When my Skippy gets too frisky, what I do is give him these.. Doggie Downers.
[ Jill holds up a box of Doggie Downers, then hands it to Joy, who is still being bothered by the frisky Sparky ]
Joy: [ reading label ] Doggie Downers.. mellows out your mutt. Hmm.. I’ll try them. [ feeds Sparky a Doggie Downer; he collapses ]
[ SUPER: “Later That Day” ]
[ ripple dissolve to Sparky lying like a lox on the living room floor, box of Doggie Downers in the shot ]
Jill: That’s Puppy uppers for when your dog’s like this. And.. [cut to replay of shot with Sparky jumping on Joy, box of Puppy Uppers in the shot ] ..Doggie Downers, for when your dog’s like this. From Hound-Doze.
[ dissolve to woman in audience, with SUPER: “Deodorant Not Working” ]
Dr. Robert Liebman…..Chevy Chase Female Patient…..Ann Risley Cashier…..Laraine Newman Construction Worker…..John Belushi
[ open on NBC promo jingle ]
Jingle: This Faaaaalll… NBC sends you All The Best!
[ iris into Mobile Shrink’s office, as a Female patient lies on his couch ]
Female Patient: — And, if I don’t call you, how am I gonna speak to you? Well, listen, I just don’t have any idea of why you want to speak to me.
Announcer: This Fall, NBC presents an exciting new medical drama. Dr. Robert Liebman, a new breed of analysts, gives up his comfortable office practice to fight depression, neuroses, and feelings of inadequacy, no matter where or when they strike.
[ Dr. Liebman casually exits his office in mid-analysis ]
[ dissolve to Dr. Liebman’s car pulling up to a mailman on the street ]
Announcer: [ over SUPER: ] “Chevy Chase is… “Mobile Shrink”.
[ Dr. Liebman follows the mailman along his route, taking down notes in a notepad ]
Dr. Robert Liebman: Sorry I’m a little bit late this afternoon. How are you feeling today?
Mailman: Fine.
Dr. Robert Liebman: That’s good, I’m glad to hear it.
Announcer: With a beeper, compassion, and a notepad, he goes out into the streets to those who need help most — the over 5.3 million Americans who don’t seek proper mental health care.
[ dissolve to Dr. Liebman taking notes as he examines a Cashier working at the supermarket ]
Dr. Robert Liebman: — something bothering you today. You seem upset.
Cashier: Yeah, well, uh — I had that same nightmare dream, you know the one about that squishy snake?
Dr. Robert Liebman: Oh, yeah.
Cashier: [ to her customer ] Fifty-nine cents.
Announcer: “Mobile Shrink”. Boldly exploring the subconcious, breaking down defense mechanisms, restructuring anxieties, and reintegrating the behaviorial characteristics of the individual.
Cashier: [ picks up an avocado ] How much are the avocadoes?
[ dissolve to Dr. Liebman analyzing Tony as he flips dough at a pizzeria ]
Dr. Robert Liebman: Tony, it’s a simple Rorschach test. Tell me what you see on the card, whatever comes to your mind. [ he holds up a card ]
Tony: I see a rabbit.
Announcer: “Mobile Shrink”. Combining the wisdom of Freud, the clarity of Jung, and the human insight of Dr. Joyce Brothers.
[ Dr. Liebman holds up another card ]
Tony: Uh, let’s see — a bat.
Dr. Robert Liebman: What about the last one here? [ he holds up another card ]
[ Tony flips the dough into the air, and it lands on the card ]
[ dissolve to Dr. Liebman climbing down a mound of dirt to a construction worker with a jackhammer ]
Announcer: “Mobile Shrink”. He went outside… to help people go inside — inside themselves. Deeper than they’ve ever been before. Down into the depths of the psyche. Uprooting the basic fears that block their happiness.
Dr. Robert Liebman: Let’s get back to the separation of you and your parents! How old were you at the time?
Construction Worker: Uh — 27!
Dr. Robert Liebman: [ frowning ] What!
Construction Worker: 27!
Dr. Robert Liebman: How old were you?!
Construction Worker: When?!
Dr. Robert Liebman: When your parents separated! How old were you?!
Construction Worker: I was 4!
Dr. Robert Liebman: Okay! [ he makes a note in his notepad ] How do you feel? Any anxiety, any what?
Construction Worker: Anxious!
Dr. Robert Liebman: Anger?
Construction Worker: Anxious!
Dr. Robert Liebman: Let it out!
Construction Worker: ANXIOUS!!
Announcer: “Mobile Shrink”. Coming to NBC this Fall.
[ open on Jane Curtin seated behind desk, reading Ms. Magazine ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.
[ Jane flips around to the front of the magazine, whose cover reads: “How’s Your Sex Life? Better • Worse • I Forget •”
[ Jane pushes her pencil all the way through the magazine, then looks up to notice the camera on her ]
Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight: The Post Office announced today, that in honor of the Bicentennial, it is going to re-issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter.
Following the final election returns last week, Gerald Ford made a privste telephone call to Richard Nixon in San Clemente. Our sources report that the ex- and soon-to-be ex-President discussed plans for running together in 1980, but couldn’t decide what country to do it in.
Now that the elections are over, people are obviously excited about the impending change in administrations. But not without caution, however. Students are show here, parading through the streets of Washington with the head of Jerry Ford, who they decapitated as a warning to Jimmy Carter that he’d better watch himself.
Many Republicans are blaming Sen. Robert Dole for the loss of the Presidential election. Dole denies that he was a minus instead of a plus on this year’s ticket, by saying that if it had been Carter-Mondale against Ford, many voters would have criticized the president for not having a running mate.
Well, the largest priest in the world turned ventriloquist this week. A highlight of his act will be drinking a glass of wine and singing “I gotta Be Me” at the same time.
Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, “Sybil”, to be televised on NBC. Adapted from the book, “Sybil” is the story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels she is confident to pull it off. As she recently told this reporter: “Thank you, it’s nice to be here.” “Should I check your oil, Ma’am?” “And now it’s time to play Double Jeopardy!” “We’ll call the baby… Jesus.” “Je m’appel Henri.” “Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!” “Good Yante, Rabbi!” “I do.” “Who was that masked man?” “I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not.” “Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!” “$20 for me, $10 for the hotel.” “Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!” “Hey, Abbotttt!!” “I am not a crook!” “Lassie, it’s me, Timmy!” “And, as God as my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.”
[ over Obituary headline ] Members of the Plains Baptist Church, which — [ she looks up to see which camera is facing her ] Hello!
Members of the Plains Baptist Church — [ the camera switches angles again ] Hello!
Members of the Plains Baptist Church, which Jimmy Carter has attended all his life, will meet tomorrow morning to decide whether or not to admit Blacks to the congregation. Village residents are optimistic about the decision, as the church baptismal basin is being stocked this week with alligators shipped in from the Florida Everglades. [ she glances off-screen ] We could try that again on that camera, and see if…
[ the camera switches once again to the Obituary headline ]
Ohhh, hello!
In a tragic note this week, it was discovered that the death of Smokey the Bear was actually a suicide. The veteran firefighter was despondent over his failing health, a condition doctors described as chronic insomnia. Smokey hadn’t slept for the past three winters, leaving him restless, confused, and quite incoherent, as indicated in his suicide note, which went: “Remember, only you can prevent Forrest Tucker.”
For more on this story, we take you now to Lincoln National Forest in New Mexico, with correspondent Laraine Newman.
[ cut to Laraine Newman standing in front of a forest background ]
Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing here in New Mexico, at the site of the funeral for Smokey the Bear. it was a touching service, attended by close friends as well as celebrities, including Bambi, Thumper, Peter Cottontail, Redd Foxx, Max Baer, and Beaver Cleaver. You know, oddly enough, Jane, Smokey’s last request was to be cremated. He wanted it that way. Smokey was always worried about ecology, and figured that his remains should not take up precious land space with a burial.
[ behind Laraine, a superimposed fire begind to blaze brightly ]
so, a simple cremation it is, Jane. This beloved civil servant is now gone, but definitely not forgotten. And so, Smokey the Bear, who spent his life prowling and a-growling and sniffing the air, he could smell a fire before it starts to flame. That’s the way they called him. Smokey. That’s how he got his name. Back to you, Jane.
[ return to Jane at the news desk ]
Jane Curtin: And with Smokey’s death, so ends the 26-year moratorium on forest fires.
A post-script to this story: Weekend Update has just learned that Smokey’s job as fire prevention symbol will be taken over by NBC’s own Gene Shalit.
Still to come: General William Westmoreland on his way to a Utah firing squad, after this message.
Jane Curtin: Our final story is the kind of story we like to see in this day and age, when all you hear about New Yorkers is that they just don’t want to get involved. Well, Vietnam vet Tony Hernandez was walking home to his South Bronx apartment last night, when he heard the screams of 23-year old Vicky Hamill, who was being raped at knifepoint by a 300-pound assailant. Well, Hernandez interceded; the assailant knifed him to death, and continued with Miss Hamill. You just don’t hear stories like that any more.
[ dissolve to Jane Curtin seated on talk show set ]
Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome to “How Things Work”, the show designed to help people understand just how our society functions. Our guest today is Mr. Merle Tadburney, independent co-ordinator of pressure group activity. Mr. Tadburney, could you explain how pressure groups work?
Merle Tadburney: Well,uh, why don’t you tell your audience just exactly how I got on your show tonight?
Jane Curtin: Well, uhhh — we received THOUSANDS of letters from all over the country, requesting that we do a show on how things work and pressure groups, uh, and most of the letters singled you out as the foremost authority on the subject.
Merle Tadburney: That’s right, and they were all bogus letters sent out by my organization, just to get me on your show tonight.
Jane Curtin: You mean, there is no one out there who is really interested in pressure groups?
Merle Tadburney: Well, I couldn’t be sure of that. I, personally, have never met anyone who was interested in pressure groups or how they work. I can’t imagine!
Jane Curtin: Well, I certainly am impressed, and our producer fell for it hook, line and sinker.
Merle Tadburney: Well, thank you. You see, we’ve worked long and hard to develop an effective phony letter campaign that works every time, and we’re proud of it.
Jane Curtin: Well, what organizations do you represent?
Merle Tadburney: Well, I work for a lot of, uh, ethnic groups, such as the, uh — well, there’s one called the Italians for Affirmative Action. They’re upset every time s a stereotype of an Italian as a member of the Mafia is used in the media. And so we educate people by pointing out several successful Italian-Americans who have no connection with the Mafia at all — like Frank Sinatra.
Jane Curtin: Oh, I see. Are they also concerned about demeaning jokes?
Merle Tadburney: Nnnno. They have quite a good sense of humor, but there — there is one group that is rather sensitive about that sort of thing, being the brunt of ethnic jokes, you might say.
Jane Curtin: Are you referring to a certain Eastern-European group? [ she laughs ]
Merle Tadburney: Yes, that’s right. I think everyone knows that I’m referring to the, um, Serbio-Croatians. If a Serbio-Croatian joke appears on television, we make sure the networks know that millions of viewers are outraged, and most of them Serbo-Cros.
Jane Curtin: Well, for those of you who may not know what a Serbio-Croatian joke is, maybe you could possibly explain, uhh..?
Merle Tadburney: Well, that would be sort of acting across purposes, wouldn’t it? Because I would be acting against the behalf of one of my clients, you might say. But I can tell you one little joke. Uh — Why do a certain kind of people make bad druggists?
Jane Curtin: [ mirthful ] I don’t know! Why?
Merle Tadburney: Well, because, when they make up prescriptions, they keep breaking the little bottles in the typewriter!
Jane Curtin: [ laughing cheerfully ] Well, I think we’ve just about run out of time, but I want to thank you, Merle, for being on “How Things Work”.
Merle Tadburney: Well, uh, it’s nice to be here, and. when you look at your ratings, I think you’ll get a little surprise! [ he chuckles ]
Jane Curtin: [ she laughs with him ] Tune in next week, when Sen. Bob Dole explains how TV debating works. And, now, here’s this week’s film by Gary Weis.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 2: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 20th, 1976 Paul Simon George Harrison None Chevy Chase Lorne Michaels Neil Levy Marilyn Suzanne Miller Rosie Shuster
Paul Simon’s Monologue WorriesSummary: Paul Simon arrives at 30 Rockefeller Plaza before the show feeling worried about performing his monologue, and says so to hanger-on Chevy Chase, who’s playing guitar outside the lobby. Upstairs, Lorne Michaels haggles with George Harrison, who thinks he should get his fourth of the money offered to The Beatles for agreeing to be tonight’s musical guest. Transcript
Montage
Paul Simon’s MonologueSummary: Paul Simon feels ridiculous for agreeing to sing “Still Crazy After All These Years” while wearing a turkey costume. First Hosted: 75b. Transcript
QuarrySummary: The all-rock cereal that’s chock full of minerals. Transcript
Paul Simon performs “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”
Baba Wawa At LargeSummary: Henry Kissinger (John Belushi) discusses his career with Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Henry Kissinger.
The Twilite ZoneSummary: Rod Serling (Dan Aykroyd) traps three would-be Hollywood starlets in a motel room. Recurring Characters: Rod Serling. Transcript
Next WeekSummary: Garrett Morris announces next week’s show. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Laraine Newman reports on Nazi war criminals while eating at a diner. Jane Curtin invites viewers to suggest a way for Morris the Cat to commit suicide. Dr. Garrett Morris announces that he has discovered a new strain of gonorrhea. Transcript
Paul Simon and George Harrison perform “Here Comes The Sun”Bio: George Harrison (19-2001). Singer-songwriter; as former ?? of The Beatles, wrote and performed hits including “Here Comes the Sun”, “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”, “Something”; later member of The Traveling Wilburys; stabbed in his home.
Paul Simon and George Harrison perform “Homeward Bound”
“Crackerbox Palace”Summary: Music video features George Harrison and Neil Innes.
The Story of Billy PaulSummary: Billy Paul (Paul Simon) defends civil rights at ice cream parlor. Recurring Characters: Sherry. Transcript
Paul Simon performs “Something So Right”
TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) discovers that he has confused Paul Simon for a truck driver with the same name. Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.
Billy Paul…..Paul Simon Ice Cream Man…..Dan Aykroyd Sherry…..Laraine Newman Indian Girl…..Gilda Radner Black Guy…..Garrett Morris Bernard…..John Belushi
[ open on Billy Paul trotting along on the back of a mechanical amusement horse, with fake slide of the Rockies behind him ]
Announcer: Not much is known about Billy. Some say he spent his childhood in the Canadian Rockies. Others said he spent his early years in the Bayou country. Nobody knows for sure. I believe he grew up in New York, near Queens. At 137-62 70th Road, near Main St. and Jewel Ave. You take a “D” Train to Continental Ave., then you take the Q-14 to Main St. Not much else was known about him. He just rode into town one day, and said..
Billy Paul: I’m here to help Indians, wild horses, and runaway kids of all races and religions. Got any gum?
[ slide changes to country pasture ]
Announcer: They called him “Renegade”.
Billy Paul: “Renegade”? Yeah.. I am a renegade.
[ slide changes to more mountains ]
Announcer: There were certain things that were known for sure: he was a Vietnam vet and a black belt in karate.
Billy Paul: That’s right. I am.
Announcer: They said he was a half-breed.
Billy Paul: That’s right. I was.
[ slide changes to country pastures ]
Announcer: He lived on an Indian reservation with an old Indian medicine man that taught him secrets of the world of snakes.
Billy Paul: I do spend most of my time on my reservation, although sometimes I stay at the Howard Johnson – free coffee in the room, with Cremora!
[ slide changes to rocky crest ]
Announcer: But one thing everyone knew: he was the deadliest man with his hands and feet that these parts had ever known.
Billy Paul: I am pretty deadly.
[ slide changes to mesa background ]
Announcer: His name was Billy Paul. Not the Billy Paul that recorded “Me And Mrs. Jones”. A lot of people get them confused. He was another Billy Paul. And this is his story.
[ dissolve to interior, Ice Cream Shoppe ]
Sherry: Hi, I’ll have a double scoop of Oregan Blackberry.
Indian Girl: I’ll have a Jamocha Almond Fudge.
Ice Cream Man: [ as he hands Sherry her cone ] We don’t have any cones left.
Indian Girl: [ looking at a stack of cones on the counter ] What are those?
Ice Cream Man: They’re not for you, featherhead.
Sherry: You are so low! [ calms herself down ] Okay.. okay.. let’s just not get heavy here. [ puts arm around Indian Girl, her ice cream cone near her face ] Now, let’s just remember what we teach at the school, man. Like, this guy is putting out hostile vibes to you, okay? But, like, if you let those hostile vibes, like, get to you, you know? Then, you get aggressive, and you’re no better than he is, man. Like, what you have to do is reach really, really deep inside yourself, man, and, like, pull out all the sunshine and light that I know that’s inside you.. like, I know that’s in there, you’re so beautiful. [ Indian Girl lowers mouth to come within reach of ice cream cone ] And, like, give that positive energy to him, and it will overcome his bad karma.
Ice Cream Man: Give me a break!
Sherry: Oh, look, don’t listen to him.. just think of everything that’s good within you, and give it to him. Like, think creatively, express yourself to anything, man.
Indian Girl: Oh, I know! I’ll sing him a song!
Sherry: Beautiful! That’s a beautiful idea.
Indian Girl: [ stands, sings like chalk scraping a board ] “You’re not a dream You’re not an angel, nor a man. I’m not a queen I’m a woman, take my hand. Make a space in the light that we plant. And here we’ll stay Until it’s time for you to go-o-o-o-o..!”
[ Ice Cream Man has smashed all the cones to dust ]
Sherry: Beautiful!
Indian Girl: [ to Ice Cream Man ] Can I have a cone now?
Ice Cream Man: No!
Bernard: [ ambles in ] What seems to be the trouble, Luke?
Ice Cream Man: Oh, hi, Bernard, uh.. this is my store, isn’t it?
Bernard: It sure is.
Ice Cream Man: Well, that means I don’t have to serve anybody I don’t want to, right?
Bernard: That’s right.
Ice Cream Man: Well, I want to serve whites.
Bernard: [ thinking ] Hey, Luke.. where’s the flour you keep around to degrade all members of the non-white race?
Ice Cream Man: Over there in the corner.
Bernard: Oh, yeah.. yeah.. [ scoops up some flour and dumps it over the Indians and Black Guy ] There you go! Now you can serve them – they’re all white!
Black Guy: [ angry ] You wouldn’t do this if Billy Paul were here!
Bernard: [ mimicking ] “You wouldn’t do this if Billy Paul were here!” Well, where’s Billy Paul now, huh?
Black Guy: He’s undergoing a sacred Indian ritual in which he gets bitten on the ankles repeatedly by a poisonous rattlesnake, and then he has to dance, and then he gets bitten repeatedly by some more rattlesnakes, then he has to dance some more!
Bernard: What’s the pioint of the ceremony?
Black Guy: So the Great Spirit can see how good a dancer he is!
[ Billy Paul throws open the door, but it slams back in his face. He reopens the door, and enters ]
Billy Paul: I’m here to help Indians and wild horses and runaway kids of all races and religions.
Bernard: Don’t you touch me, Billy Paul! I’ll call my Father! If you touch me, you’re a dead man, Billy Paul!
Billy Paul: [ disgusted at the sight of the flour-covered non-white kids ] Oh, my God, Bernard! Look what you’ve done! [ removes his hat and thinks ] You know.. Jeanie and the kids at school, they all tell me to try and control my temper. You tell me to try, and you know I’m gonna.. But I try, Bernard, honest to God.. I try. When I look at this girl.. [ puts hand on Indian Girl’s shoulder ] ..this beautful flower.. this innocent child.. [ grabs her face and twists her back and forth, knocking her to the ground ] ..and when I think that she will carry with her, the memory of this humiliation, every single day of her life, I just go berserk! [ punches Bernard right through the plate-glass window ]
Ice Cream Man: [ nervous ] Uh.. hey, uh, Billy Paul.. how would you like a couple scoops of Rocky Road? [ Billy Paul kicks a table ] Or.. maybe some Banana Fudge.. or some, uh.. Almond Mocha?
Billy Paul: I want.. a triple cone. Strawberry, Chocolate, and Vanilla. That’s red, black and white, together. [ is handed his triple-scooper, standing proud ]
Sherry: If only the world could get along as this ice cream cone.. Billy Paul wouldn’t have to kill so many people.
[ Music Over: “One Tin Soldier”, Coven ]
[ Billy Paul holds his triple-scooper up high, as does everyone else around him, and he triumphantly walks away, off the set, and into the audience ]
Air Date:
Summary: Paul Simon arrives at 30 Rockefeller Plaza before the show feeling worried about performing his monologue, and says so to hanger-on Chevy Chase, who’s playing guitar outside the lobby. Upstairs, Lorne Michaels haggles with George Harrison, who thinks he should get his fourth of the money offered to The Beatles for agreeing to be tonight’s musical guest.
Summary: Paul Simon feels ridiculous for agreeing to sing “Still Crazy After All These Years” while wearing a turkey costume.
Summary: The all-rock cereal that’s chock full of minerals.
Summary: Henry Kissinger (John Belushi) discusses his career with Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner).
Summary: Rod Serling (Dan Aykroyd) traps three would-be Hollywood starlets in a motel room.
Summary: Laraine Newman reports on Nazi war criminals while eating at a diner. Jane Curtin invites viewers to suggest a way for Morris the Cat to commit suicide. Dr. Garrett Morris announces that he has discovered a new strain of gonorrhea.
Bio: George Harrison (19-2001). Singer-songwriter; as former ?? of The Beatles, wrote and performed hits including “Here Comes the Sun”, “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”, “Something”; later member of The Traveling Wilburys; stabbed in his home.
Summary: Music video features George Harrison and Neil Innes.
Summary: Billy Paul (Paul Simon) defends civil rights at ice cream parlor.
Summary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) discovers that he has confused Paul Simon for a truck driver with the same name.
