President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd Rosalynn Carter…..Laraine Newman Miss Lillian Carter…..Gilda Radner
[ open on “A Fireside Chat” White House art card ]
[ Music: “Hail to the Chief” instrumental ]
Announcer: And now, A Fireside Chat, with President Jimmy Carter.
[ dissolve to President Jimmy Carter, dressed in sweatshirt marked “Jimmy” as he smilingly pedals an exercise bike attached to a pair of methane tanks ]
President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, everybody! On many occasions, I’ve — I’ve used symbolic acts to communicate with you. Because I’m aware of symbolism. And, tonight, to symvolize my determination to implement the Carter Energy Program. I’m personally, at this moment, generating all the electricity necessary… to transmit this television broadcast to you! And, you know, there’s enough energy left over to run this electric hot comb. [ he pulls the device out of the bike’s basket, runs it through his hair and smiles ]
Rosalynn Carter: Jimmy! It’s, uh, my turn to power the broadcast now!
President Jimmy Carter: Okay. Ready to make the switch, Rosalynn?
Rosalynn Carter: Okay, now! I’m ready! [ she starts hopping up and down ] 1! 2! 3!
[ Jimmy jumps off one end of the exercise bike, as Rosalynn jumps onto it from the other side. The screen flickers as she pedals quick enough to match Jimmy’s speed. ]
President Jimmy Carter: Good work, honey!
Rosalynn Carter: Thank you, Sugar!
President Jimmy Carter: Almost lost it there!
Rosalynn Carter: [ she laughs ] I know, we did! [ to the camera ] You know, Jimmy’s got his life, and I’ve got mine… but we still find time to run the generator together, don’t we, dear?
President Jimmy Carter: You know, America MUST move away from… liquid fossil fuels. And to encourage that shift, uh — I’m gonna impose a heavy tax on imported crude oil, gasoline, and commercial lubricants such as motor oil and petroleum jelly!
Rosalynn Carter: Lillian, it’s your turn!
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!
Miss Lillian: [ waking up ] Huh?
Rosalynn Carter: It’s your turn to power the broadcast! Come on!
Miss Lillian: Alright, Rosalynn… here I come… [ she rises from her chair and slowly walks up to the exercise bike ]
President Jimmy Carter: [ smiling to the camera ] Everybody tries to pitch in, as best they can!
Rosalynn Carter: That’s right! [ to Lillian, as she approaches ] Now — now, you ready?
Miss Lillian: Yes…
[ Rosalynn climbs off the exercise bike, as Miss Lillian struggles to lift her leg over the seat. The screen flickers severely. ]
President Jimmy Carter: Keep that pedal going!
Rosalynn Carter: Honey, we’re losing the picture!
[ together, Jimmy and Roselynn move Miss Lillian’s legs up and down the pedals, as she struggles to keep the screen from flickering. ]
President Jimmy Carter: That’s it, Mama!
Miss Lillian: I’d — I’d do ANYTHING for my Jimmy!
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!
Rosalynn Carter: Keep pedaling, honey!
[ Jimmy and Rosalynn step closer to the camera ]
President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] Let’s forget about the… substance-minded program for a minute. I just want to say I’m doing something personal and —
Miss Lillian: [ struggling ] I’m feeling a little… faint, Jimmy… I don’t know if I can go on any longer…
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama.
Miss Lillian: No, I’ll do it for you, Jimmy…
President Jimmy Carter: Speed up, Mama. We don’t want to lose that picture. Just a few more minutes.
[ the screen flickers, as Miss Lillian slows down just a bit ]
President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] As I was saying, you can see I’m doing something personally about the energy crisis. I’m about keeping the American family unit working together. And I think — [ turns to see Miss Lillian about to fall off the bike ] Come on, Mama!
Miss Lillian: Yes, I’m doing it, Jimmy…
President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] I think… if you take up the example we’ve set… it’ll all work out for the better. I love you all. Thank you very much.
[ Miss Lillian wears herself out completely, and falls off the exercise bike. The screen flickers and turns to snow. ]
President Jimmy Carter: Mama! Come on, Mama!
Miss Lillian: I’m okay…!
[ the image flickers back into place momentarily, allowing a glimpse of Jimmy and Rosalynn helping Miss Lillian back to the bike ]
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!
Miss Lillian: I’m doing it…! Anything for my Jimmy…! Anything…!
[ the screen flickers back into place, as we see Miss Lillian back on the bike and pedaling with fury ]
Miss Lillian: I’d do… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”
Dr. Ray Bondish…..Buck Henry Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman Kuldroth…..John Belushi Mentuk…..Garrett Morris
[ open on interior, Conehead residence, as the doorbell rings ]
[ Prymaat Conehead enters the living room and answers the door to Dr. Ray Bondish, who holds a triangular piece of metal ]
[ SUPER: “Return Of The Coneheads” ]
Prymaat Conehead: Greetings!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Is this the home of Beldar Conehead?
Prymaat Conehead: Correct! Enter! [ she closes the door as he enters, then she faces the stairs ] Beldar, I summon you!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Now, let me guess — I’ll bet you’re Mrs. Conehead?
Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat!
[ he nods, as Beldar runs down the stairs ]
Beldar Conehead: Please enter! Be seated!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Thank you.
Beldar Conehead: [ muttering under his breath ] Human…
[ they all ake a seat on the couch ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: Uhhh —
[ Beldar and Prymaat lean in and stare into Dr. Bondish’s eyeballs ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: Now, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead, I am Dr. Ray Bondish. I’m assigned to the United States Air Force Aerospace Defense command in Wormling, Arizona.
Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Arizona?
Prymaat Conehead: Arizona. In Arizona, in the southwest, features good oxygen quality, a high concentration of human retirement colonies, desert reptiles, and domestic handgun ownership.
[ Beldar and Prymaat lean in and stare into Dr. Bondish’s eyeballs ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: Five days ago, this object entered the Earth’s atmosphere and fell from the sky and into the parking lot of a Taco Bell in downtown Tucson.
Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Taco?
Prymaat Conehead: Taco. A folded starch disc encasing vegetable substances and shredded flesh of hooved mammals.
Dr. Ray Bondish: Mr. Conehead, in my time in the Air Force, I’ve seen a lot of space garbage hit the globe — but this hunk has me beat. You know, we can’t figure out what kind of metal this thing is made from, and we had no clues until yesterday, when one of our investigators made a breakthrough discovery: [ he turns the piece of metal on its side ] your name and address on the side of the object.
Beldar Conehead: [ reading ] “Beldar Conehead, 2-1-3-0 Pineway Drive, Parkwood Hills, New Jersey, U.S.A.” Correct. Yes. Thank you. [ he stands and whips out a stack of bills from his breast pocket ] Please accept this cash gratutity. Don’t disperse it all in one locality.
Dr. Ray Bondish: No, no, no, no. No, wait a minute, Mr. Conehead. I don’t think you understand. The Aerospace Defense Command has assigned me to gind out what this object is, and where it came from.
Beldar Conehead: [ quickly ] It is a communication from Remulak!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Remulak?
Beldar Conehead: Remulak. A small town in France! This is a postcard from France! You see… we come from France!
[ Connie Conehead enters the room ]
Connie Conehead: Attention, parental units! I am splitting now to itneract with my human friends at the shopping plaza!
Prymaat Conehead: No, Connie! You cannot go!
Connie Conehead: But, Mom! I cleaned up my sleep chamber!
Beldar Conehead: Connie… we have received a vital communication from Remulak. Koldropth the High Master of Starfab Megazone has demanded that we return at once! To our home… in France!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Wait a minute! You know… I’ve bicycled through FRance twenty-seven times, and I’ve NEVER heard of Remulak. Parlais-vous Francaise?
Prymaat Conehead: Oui!
Connie Conehead: Oui! Ne parlaiz-vous Francais!
Prymaat Conehead: Salud! Entre!
[ Beldar rattles a fancy French phrase ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: That’s a pretty good accent, Beldar, but I don’t think you come from France. I don’t think you come from anywhere near France. I think I know EXACTLY what you people are! You’re Ku Klux Klan!
[ the Coneheads are stunned at this deduction ]
Beldar Conehead: Incorrect! There is no need to deceive the human any longer. [ to Dr. Bondish ] I am Beldar, the first timekeeper from the planet Remulak! Our star cruiser arrived here fifteen years ago! We had instructinos to SEIZE your miserable world!
Prymaat Conehead: Yes. And all was well until you crashed the star cruiser into Lake Michigan.
Beldar Conehead: Let us not get into that… again!
Dr. Ray Bondish: You mean, it’s TRUE?! There IS life on other planets? Flying saucers DO exist! Yuo have so much to TEACH us! Intergalactic travel is possible! I’d love to experience the sensation of flying through space at unthinkable speeds!
All: NO PROBLEM!!!
[ Beldar grabs Dr. Bondish by the collar and tosses him out the front door ]
Beldar Conehead: We must leave at once for the planet Remulak! Gather gifts for the High Master!
Connie conehead: But, Daddy! what manner of conveyance will transport us?
Beldar Conehead: We must drive to the island of Manhatten! There… we find the Chrysler Building! It is the site of the emergency return vehicle which will carry us off the Earth!
Prymaat & Connie: Igbat… Klaatu… Remulak!!
Beldar Conehead: Meet me in the petroleum combustion unit!
[ Beldar exits the house as Prymaat and Connie search for gifts ]
[ fade to black ]
[ open on pre-filmed footage, beginning with Beldar’s driver’s education vehicle sitting in the driveway. Beldar behind the wheel. Prymaat and Connie toss suitcases into the back seat, climb into the vehicle, and Beldar drives off. ]
[ the Coneheads drive down a New Jersey highway while glancing at the New York skyline in the distance ]
[ at a gas station, Beldar fills the tank with gas, then guzzles down a couple of gallons to satisfy his own thirst ]
[ at the New Jersey Turnpike, Beldar pays the toll to cross, receiving a watward glance from the tollwoman before they’re allowed to pass through ]
[ they pass through the tunnel and into Manhatten ]
[ once in the city, they honk at pedestrians on foot ]
[ they wait impatiently while stuck in gridlock traffic ]
[ later, while moving, they point upward in the direction of the Chrsyler Building ]
[ they park at the front entrance to the Chrysler Building, then enter as pedestrians stop to stare at their cones ]
[ prop footage of a replica of the Chrysler Building lifting like a rocket and ascending into outer space ]
[ prop footage of a replica of the Chrysler Building hurtling through space like a rocket ]
[ dissolve to Remulak, High Master and Mentuk watching as a red crystal globe begins to vibrate and shine brightly. They turn to watch as the Coneheads enter. ]
Coneheads: Igbat… Klaatu… Farbat!!
Beldar Conehead: All hail the High Master of Starpath Megdazon!
Kuldroth: Mip! Mip! Mip! How was your journey?
Prymaat Conehead: Satisfactory. We did experience some turbulence near the Crab Nebula.
Kuldroth: Hmm.
Beldar Conehead: We have Earth gifts for you, O High Master!
Kuldroth: Present these objects to me!
[ Beldar holds out a suitcase and opens it. Connie grabs a six-pack of beer. ]
Connie Conehead: This substance is known as beer! Suck back a couple of these!
Kuldroth: Thank you! [ he pulls back the pop tabs ] How… to do?
Beldar Conehead: Consume mass quantities!
Kuldroth: Ah! [ he tosses the six-pack back and chugs the contents ]
Beldar Conehead: Kuldroth! Why have you summoned us from Earth?
Kuldroth: [ hands the six-pack to Mentuk ] The price of Tectorse has been dropped! And forced us to cut back on our space program! The Earth project has been terminated!
Beldar Conehead: That’s the way the klargoth crystals shatter.
Kuldroth: In addition, Mentuk has determined that… your young one… is my genetic mate! I will marry her immediately!
Connie Conehead: Ohhhh, no! What a drag! what a bummer! Why get married? Why not just get it on?
Prymaat Conehead: You’re mistaken, young one! The High Master has asked for your cone. You cannot deny him.
Kuldroth: Mentuk! Mentuk, examine her cone! Be sure I am to be the first!
[ Mentuk hobbles over to Connie to inspect her cone, then gasps before returning to Kuldroth ]
Mentuk: Sorry. This cone has already experienced the sensor riiiiiiings.
Kuldroth: What?!
Connie Conehead: So what? This is the new way I learned from the humans! Yes, my cone has been honed. But this does not mean we still can’t cruise and groove, and have a good time!
Kuldroth: Mut! Well, Beldar — your young one is nothing more than a… common… fluffrag!!
Beldar Conehead: [ he throws the suitcase down ] You can’t call my young one a common fluffrag!!
Kuldroth: Ohhh, yes I can! She is a fluffrag!
Beldar Conehead: She is not! Mip! Arbok!
Kuldroth: Mip!
Beldar Conehead: Mip!
Kuldroth: Miiiiip!
Beldar Conehead: Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip!
Kuldroth: I shall take pleasure personally kicking your cone!
[ the two aliens circle one another stealthily, then jump closer and begin to clap their hands between each other’s cones a few times before simultaneously rushing and crashing through the plate glass windows ]
[ Mentuk glances out before finishing off the six-pack of beer ]
Prymaat Conehead: Our home planet of Remulak has scarcely altered since we left.
Connie Conehead: Yes. Let us consume mass quantities — it will be a long time before we get another six-pack.
[ Prymaat, Connie, and Mentuk chug back a six-pack each, as the scene zooms out to a studio wide shot with SUPER: “Coming up Next: How To Forge Mental Notes” ]
Buck Henry: Good night, and have a good summer! [ acknowledges the Land Shark crouched next to him ] Thanks to my guest, the Shark!
[ Buck peers into the mouth of the Land Shark, as it stands on two legs and closes its mouth over Buck’s head ]
Announcer: The Land Shark, the jockey, and the horse were all played by Chevy Chase. Next week, a “Saturday Night” rerun with host Broderick Crawford. We’ll return live on Spetember 24th. This is Don Pardo, and I’m sending my voice to summer camp! Good night!
[ Chevy Chase kneels on the stage and pokes his head from out of the Land Shark’s mouth ]
…..Jane Curtin Dr. Richard Dalton…..Buck Henry Francine…..Gilda Radner Assistant…..Laraine Newman
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to Jane Curtin ]
Jane Curtin: Good evening, and welcome to “How Your Children Grow”. My guest tonight is one of America’s foremost behavioral scientists, who’s here to discuss his research on problems in learning difficulties. His name is Dr. Richard Dalton. Welcome.
Dr. Richard Dalton: Thank you,
Francine: [ drawing each symbol with her fingers ] Comma!
Dr. Richard Dalton: Jane.
Francine: Period!
Dr. Richard Dalton: It’s very nice to be here!
Francine: Exclamation point!
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she chuckles and bites into the cookie ] Dr. Dalton, when did you first become involved with your work with the handicapped?
Dr. Richard Dalton: About twelve —
Francine: Dash!
Dr. Richard Dalton: thirteen years ago.
Francine: Period!
Dr. Richard Dalton: I was fresh out of college
Francine: Parentheses!
Dr. Richard Dalton: (I went to Harvard)
Francine: Closed parentheses!
Dr. Richard Dalton: where I got a phD.
Francine: Period!
Dr. Richard Dalton: in Speech Therapy.
Francine: Period!
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Why did you choose this field, sir?
Dr. Richard Dalton: Why?
Francine: Question mark!
Dr. Richard Dalton: I guess because it’s so…
Francine: Dot-dot-dot!
Dr. Richard Dalton: damn rewarding.
Francine: Period!
Dr. Richard Dalton: Years ago, Jane —
Francine: Dash!
Dr. Richard Dalton: my father told me that
Francine: Quotation mark!
Dr. Richard Dalton: “if I could just help one person in the world,
Francine: Comma!
Dr. Richard Dalton: then surely I would be looked upon favorably by the Lord!”
Francine: Exclamation point! Closed quotation!
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Your father sounds like a wise man. Is he still alive?
Dr. Richard Dalton: No, Jane…
Francine: Dot-dot-dot!
Dr. Richard Dalton: he had a tumor —
Francine: Dash!
Dr. Richard Dalton: the doctors removed half his colon;
Francine: Semi-colon!
Dr. Richard Dalton: before he lapsed into a coma,
Francine: Comma!
Dr. Richard Dalton: and then died.
Francine: Period!
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Dr. Dalton, what causes learning disabilities?
Dr. Richard Dalton: It’s really hard to say, Jane —
Francine: Dash!
Dr. Richard Dalton: we’re still learning about it with hopes that determining that cause will give us insights into treatment.
Francine: Period!
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]cThank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] We’ve read that many people who’ve worked in your field are assisted by people who indeed, themselves, have similar problems. It makes them more empathetic. Are these your assistants?
Dr. Richard Dalton: Yes, they are.
Francine: Period!
Dr. Richard Dalton: Two years ago, I was at a party at my friend’s house.
Francine: Period!
Dr. Richard Dalton: I saw Francine just sitting there;
Francine: Semi-colon!
Dr. Richard Dalton: and punctuating!
Francine: Exclamation point!
Dr. Richard Dalton: Just sitting there —
Francine: Dash!
Dr. Richard Dalton: saying words like:
Francine: Colon!
Dr. Richard Dalton: period,
Francine: Comma!
Dr. Richard Dalton: colon,
Francine: Comma!
Dr. Richard Dalton: exclamation point,
Francine: Comma!
Dr. Richard Dalton: and,
Francine: Optional comma!
Dr. Richard Dalton: dash.
Francine: Period!
Dr. Richard Dalton: I hired her on the spot.
Francine: Period!
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: Very interesting. And your other assistant, what type of problem does she have?
Dr. Richard Dalton: None that we can determine.
Francine: Period!
Dr. Richard Dalton: As far as we know —
Francine: Dash!
Dr. Richard Dalton: She’s just some dumbo who likes th ring a bell and point to her right.
Francine: Period.
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Just how do these assistants help you in your research, Doctor?
Dr. Richard Dalton: They have helped me prove all of my theorums, except for one —
Francine: Dash!
Dr. Richard Dalton: which we’re still working on.
Francine: Period!
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who promptly hands Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you. [ she bites into the cookie ] Which one is that?
Dr. Richard Dalton: My attempt to disprove the validity of the conditioned reflexes described by Pavlov, whose dogs were taught to salivate at the sound of a bell.
Francine: Period![ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who doesn’t give Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: [ lightly salivating ] Well, good luck with it! And I’ve always questioned the man myself! [ she chuckles nervously ]
Dr. Richard Dalton: Thank you very much,
Francine: Comma!
Dr. Richard Dalton: Jane.
Francine: Period!
[ the assistant on the far end rings a bell in her hand, then points her thumb toward Francine, who doesn’t give Jane a cookie ]
Jane Curtin: [ salivating more wildly, with her hand extended ] Thank you for joining us. Uh — [ she reaches over and grabs the basket of cookies ] Good night, and tune in next week!
[ buck runs down to the apron of the stage, where a fold-out cot, vat of cottage cheese, and a stock await him ]
Buck Henry: Thank you. Thank you all very much. Now, uh, I’ve been here a few times before. And, uh, this time, when I was called to, uh, host the show again, I said… “well — I mean, uh, there’s not much I can do that I haven’t already done.” And, uh, the folks at NBC said, “Well… consider the stage… yours. Do anything you want. You have freedom.” NBC is the network that has broken taboos — this show is an iconoclastic show, it does anything it wants to do, it doesn’t play by the rules. So Lorne Michaels, the crack producer of “NBC’s Saturday Night Live”, said, “Do whatever you want. WHATEVER you want!” And, so, I took my cue from the city of New York, and from the 42nd Street area… and… I proposed to, to Lorne, and to the network… to base the show on, on the theme of… pornography. Or, for you intellectuals… FILTH. So… if, uh, if Lorne and, uh, NBC, and the “Saturday Night” crew is ready, I am about to offer them this challenge. to see if INDEED they’re ready to put their money where their mouth is. So I’ve ordered, as props, from this, uh, unbelievably, uh, well, uh — [ he touches the post ] This is a stock. [ he grabs a whip from it ] This is a leather whip. [ turns to the cot ] This is a clever fold-away bed. [ turns to the vat ] And this vat of cottage cheese — large curd. [ he splashes his hand in it and licks the leftover ] With which, if Mr. Michaels and the NBC censor… and the entire network, in fact, is ready… I offer the challenge that, for the first time, I propose, ON network television, to perform ON STAGE, a live sex act. How about THAT, Mr. Michaels!
Lorne Michaels V/O: Go ahead, Buck.
Buck Henry: [ he pauses dramtically ] WITH… a member of the audience.
[ the audience cheers ]
Lorne Michaels V/O: The censor’s right beside me — he says fine, Buck.
Buck Henry: [ with mild surprise ] He says fine, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels V/O: Absolutely. Go ahead.
Buck Henry: Alright. We’ll just see about that. Could you, uh — [ licks cottage cheese off his finger ] get some shots of the audience, David? And we’ll see if there’s a likely volunteer for this television first.
[ the camera cuts to an audience shot, as members wave enthusiastically to the camera ]
Buck Henry V/O: Mmm-hmm… yes. It could be you…
[ the camera pans across the audience, holding momentarily on a smiling nun ]
Buck Henry V/O: No, I… think not you, Sister. No. Maybe next year.
[ the camera continues to pan across waving audience members ]
Buck Henry V/O: It could be you… no? Well, maybe…
[ the camera pauses on a dominatrix wearing an eyepatch ]
Buck Henry V/O: What about you, lady? That’s not bad!
[ the camera continues to pan across waving audience members ]
Buck Henry V/O: Huh? No. Okay.
[ the camera pauses on an attractive woman in the audience ]
Buck Henry V/O: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold that camera! I think we see a volunteer! Yes, indeed! It definitely could be YOU! So… COME ON DOWN!!
[ the woman appears like she is about to stand, but the man dressed in gym clothes next to her stands up instead and rushes to the stage ]
[ onstage, Buck opens the cot and prepares himself for adventure, unaware of the mix-up in the audience until it’s too late and the man grabs Buck from behind and throws him down onto the cot ]
… Buck Henry … Michael O’Donoghue Mormon Tabernacle Choir … Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, many others
[Buck Henry stands at a darkened home base addressingthe camera.]
Buck Henry: A year or so ago, it was my distinct goodfortune to introduce one of the most amazing men it’sbeen my privilege ever to see in the world of showbusiness — that unique and extraordinaryimpressionist, Mr. Michael O’Donoghue.
[Applause. Henry turns to the shadows behind him andapplauds as a burst of Vegas-style show music kicksin. From the shadows emerges Michael O’Donoghue –sometimes known as the evil Mr. Mike — wearing hisgarish paisley tuxedo and dark glasses. O’Donoghue andHenry shake hands and Henry exits. The music andapplause end and O’Donoghue addresses the camera,earnestly.]
Michael O’Donoghue: As a top impressionist, I spend somuch of my time out on the road doing club dates. Andthe thing I like to do the most after the show torelax and sort of wind down … You just turn on theold stereo and listen to a great choir. And whenyou’re talkin’ great choir, you’re talkin’ MormonTabernacle Choir. [Audience bursts into applause,O’Donoghue eggs them on:] Yeah! Yeah! All right! Allright! [Applause ends.] You know, I kid the MormonTabernacle Choir but — I love ’em. And I happened tobe in Utah recently so I drove over to the tabernacleto hear them and while they were singing “Shenandoah”or “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” or “For Unto Us aChild is Born” — you know, one of those moving,inspirational songs that just sends a chill right upyour spine — well, I was listening to this and afunny thought occurred to me. I thought, what ifsomeone took steel needles — well, well, actually,hundreds of pairs of steel needles — say, fifteen,eighteen inches long — with real sharp points — andplunged them into the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s eyes?What would their reaction be? I think it might gosomething like this.
[O’Donoghue removes his glasses, pockets them, andturns around as the lights at home base go up toreveal a massive choir of people in dark robes.O’Donoghue faces this choir, takes a pitch pipe fromhis pocket and blows a note. The choir responds byhumming the note back at him. All is quiet asO’Donoghue steadies himself, then grandly raises hisarms in the air. The choir responds by covering theireyes with their hands. All pause for a moment,motionless, silent. O’Donoghue glances to his left,then turns back to the choir. His arms drop andsuddenly he and the choir begin clutching their eyes,screaming, shrieking at the top of their lungs,staggering, collapsing to the floor, writhing aroundon the stage, kicking, trying to get up and thenfalling, dropping to their knees in agony, etc. Aftera few moments of this chaos and confusion, Buck Henryreturns to join the audience in applauding the choirwhich is sprawled and writhing all over home base.]
Secretary…..Gilda Radner Jamal…..Garrett Morris Dean Bynam…..Buck Henry Samurai…..John Belushi
[ open on interior, Dean Bynam’s office, as his Secretary enters and approaches Jamal at the desk ]
Secretary: Uh — I’m terribly sorry for the delay. Dean Bynam will be with you in a moment — it’s just that he’s performing a live sex act onstage. Alright? Uh, you don’t mind waiting a little bit, do you?
[ he nods his head No ]
Secretary: [ she chuckles ] Excuse me.
[ the Secretary exits the office, as Jamal waits patiently ]
[ finally, Dean Bynam enters ]
Dean Bynam: Sorry to keep you waiting. Just finishing my cottage cheese. [ he takes his seat behind the desk ] Now, uh — what can I do for you?
Jamal: Dean Bynam? We DEMAND that there be an end to racist hiring practices! We want our OWN all-Black Student Union, and we insist upon an increase! Uh — in funds allocated for Afro-American studies! Now, do you dig?!
Dean Bynam: Yes, I do, Keith.
Jamal: That’s Jamal!
Dean Bynam: Oh, Jamal. I’m sorry, yes.
[ Buck Henry misses his next line, as Garrett Morris shifts his eyes and waits for his cue ]
Jamal: Then, WHAT, may I ask, do you propose to DO about it?!
Dean Bynam: Not a thing!
Jamal: Well, if that is your answer, man, then the Organization of Afro-American Students will CONTINUE its occupation of this administration building until these demands are MET!!
Dean Bynam: Jamal, let me explain something to you. It’s been FIVE years since your group seized the administration building. [ he stands ] Am I right?
Jamal: Yeah!
Dean Bynam: During those last five years, haven’t you noticed the construction activity going on across the quad? You know, the bulldozers, the cranes?
Jamal: Yes. Yeah, I have.
Dean Bynam: What you saw, Keith… going up… was our new administration building —
Jamal: Jamal, man!
Dean Bynam: Jamal. Sorry. That’s our NEW adminstration building. It was going to be the new Afro-American Student Union Building, but when your group occupied the administration building, we decided to CHANGE the signs!
Jamal: [ as the shock sinks in ] In other words… our group has seized what’s now the old administration building…
Dean Bynam: And has been for the past five years. That’s why your list of demands has been given such little attention lately.
Jamal: Oh. Okay… I can dig that…
Dean Bynam: Alright. so, if you’re still interested in those demands, I suggest you take over the new administration building, and then we’ll talk.
Jamal: You have an idea.
Dean Bynam: [ answering the phone ] Hello! Yes, honey. Yeah. I’m having an exceptionally rough day… [ to Jamal ] That will be all.
[ Jamal makes his exit ]
Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] No, there’s one last student that I have to see.
[ his Secretary enters ]
Secretary: Uh — uh — the student is here now. Here’s his file.
Dean Bynam: Thank you.
[ Secretary exits ]
Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] It’s some, uh, senior that I can’t allow to graduate. I don’t know — a Big Man On Campus who’s in for a real surprise. Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be another one. Okay. Alright, I’ll see you later. Bye. [ he hangs up ]
[ Samurai Futaba enters the room ]
Announcer: And now, another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.
Dean Bynam: Take a seat, please.
[ Samurai grunts as he polishes an apple on his kimono and offers it to the Dean ]
Dean Bynam: That’s very nice of you, but, uh — take a seat, and let’s get right to the point.
[ Samurai grunts as he sits ]
Dean Bynam: Alright. Frankly… as Dean of Monroe College, I cannot, in good conscience, permit you to receive a degree from our school.
Samurai: [ with a grunt ] Hmm?
Dean Bynam: Yeah.
[ Samurai grunts a series of excuses and explanations ]
Dean Bynam: Absolutely not! I’ve heard it before. I’ve heard the explanations, I’ve heard the excuses…
[ Samurai grunts another excuse ]
Dean Bynam: I know you had mono — that’s no excuse.
[ Samurai grunts a series of further excuses and explanations ]
Dean Bynam: Listen, I’ve dealt with your kind for quite a long time, and you’re all fun and games. That’s all you seem to care about.
[ Samurai grunts with a “Big deal!” gesture ]
Dean Bynam: Alright, you’re still not convinced? Let’s look at the record. As good ol’ Calvin Coolidge said…
[ Samurai grunts a correction ]
Dean Bynam: Oh, you’re right — it was Al Smith. He did say that. [ looking at Samurai’s record ] I see you’ve been a busy man for these past four years: you were President of your dormitory, a member of the Debating team, the Future Nurses of America, uh, you ran the sushi concession at the home basketball games, and were a member of the Yuong Republicans. Very impressive.
[ Samurai gives himself a hand cheer ]
Dean Bynam: Your grades are another story.
[ Samurai clears his throat and offers more excuses ]
Dean Bynam: No, no, no. No, no.
[ Samurai grunts a rambling excuse ]
Dean Bynam: What did you say? That’s ridiculous!
[ Samurai grunts ]
Dean Bynam: Yes! But you MAJORED in Biology, and you FAILED CHemistry, Physics, and Calculus!
Samurai: Oh?
Dean Bynam: As a matter of fact, the only course you did well in was Organic Chemistry, and that’s the toughest course we offer. EVERYONE fails that, and you got — you got a “A” in it. You took it with Ms. Bennett, no less, a really tough cookie of a professor. How did you manage that with Ms. Bennett?
[ the Samurai slides his sword in and out of his sheath ]
Dean Bynam: I’ll have to talk to Ms. Bennett later… Uh — well, that does explain it. Now, let’s look at your record.
[ Samurai slaps his hands together ]
Dean Bynam: Alright… you failed Asian Studies. That’s the easiest course we give! I mean, just being able to identify the continent of Asia should be able to give you a “C” in that course!
[ Samurai grunts at Dean Bynam ]
Dean Bynam: YES!
[ Samurai asks permission to identify Asia ]
Dean Bynam: Of course!
[ the Samurai whips out his sword, and gives a violent swipe in the direction of Dean Bynam’s globe. He slices off the side of the globe and hands it to Dan Bynam. ]
Dean Bynam: Yeah. That’s Asia, alright. Alright, we can change that to a “C”, I guess. [ he makes the change ] But, uh, a “C” will not give you a passing average. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to notify your parents. That’s my decision.
[ Samurai panics, and begins to grunt for mercy ]
Dean Bynam: Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. Your grandfather will have to know. I suppose — I suppose they were probably very strict with you?
[ Samurai grunts and displays a bent-back finger on his hand ]
Dean Bynam: I understand. But I’m telling you there is NOTHING I can do! I MUST fail you! You CANNOT graduate!
[ Samurai whips out his hari-kari sword and presses it against his stomach ]
Dean Bynam: Ooooooh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Alright! Alright. Alright, you can graduate. If you’re willing to go that far, I can allow you to graduate. But you do understand this is not going to be easy. I’ve got to convince the Academic Credits Committee.
[ Samurai grunts and waves his hand ]
Dean Bynam: Well… it shouldn’t be too hard. After all, the President is an old fraternity brother of mine.
[ Samurai grunts in surprise ]
Dean Bynam: Oh, yes. I belong to a fraternity.
[ Samurai grunts proudly ]
Dean Bynam: You were in a fraternity? Really? Which one?
[ the Samurai jumps to his feet, whips out his sword, and swipes three times at the top of the rolled-up curtain along one window. Dean Bynam rises, pulls the curtain down, and reveals the fraternity symbols slices into the curtain. ]
Dean Bynam: Ahhh! Phi Delta Watashi! Listen, this is incredible! We’re brothers!
[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]
Dean Bynam: Absolutely! Look! [ he grabs a pillow ] Here’s the Phi Delt pillow!
[ they perform their fraternity handshake ]
Dean Bynam: You remember the yell? The fraternity yell?
[ they perform the fraternity yell together ]
Dean Bynam: This is incredible! Alright, you CAN graduate!
[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]
Dean Bynam: Yes, indeed!
[ Samurai throws the fraternity pillow into the air, then swats it with his sword. He reaches down to retrieve his morterboard and places it on his head. ]
Dean Bynam: Congratulations!
[ they shake hands and freeze-frame ]
Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.
[ camera rises into the audience, and zooms in on unsuspecting woman with SUPER: “Finally Fell In With The Right Crowd” ]
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you guys, this is really incredible! I mean, you are really the best in the whole world! We are talking MAJOR niceness of life! Really major!
Barbara: Rhonda… Joycey and I are your best friends. We love you, and if you think that we’d let your engagement go by with NO shower… well, forget it! No way! We’re serious! Come on, really! No kidding! Honest to God!
Joycey: Now, listen. Okay, it’s a kitchen shower, everybody. And, don’t worry, everybody knows that your colors are burnt orange and tapioca!
Barbara: Now, I’m going to make a bouquet of ALL your ribbons, and Joycey is going to make a list of everything you saiy when you open your presents, and THAT’LL be what you say on your wedding night, okay?
Rhonda Weiss: [ cheerfully ] Oh, you guys are so GREAT! Really, really, you are!
Barbara: Okay! [ picks up a gift ] The first one is from Joanne Pearlstein. I’ll just take the ribbon.
Rhonda Weiss: [ takes the gift ] Oh, thank you, Joanne! I-I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Thank you! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, a melon baller.
Barbara: Ohhhh, isn’t that thoughtful!
Joycey: How WONDERFUL!!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you know — I mean, like, when — when you don’t have any melon, and, uh — and — and you — then you don’t want it in balls, you know? You don’t mind that you don’t have a melon baller. But if you DO have melon, and you want it balled, and you don’t have a melon baller, you — then you really wish that you had a melon — [ to Barbara ] Am I right?
Barbara: Absolutely! Absolutely!
Joycey: Right.
Barbara: I mean, I know. Because, before I had my melon baller, I went without having my melon in balls for a REALLY long time!
Joycey: Me, too!
Joanne: I did, too!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Joanne!
Barbara: [ picks up a gift ] Okay, this one is from Rachel.
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Rachel! I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Thank you! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, an egg tweezer! Oh, you know, this is the kind of thing that you always really want, but you never buy for yourself.
Joycey: Yes, it is! Like, before I had my egg tweezer, I didn’t really miss it. But, now that I have one, I couldn’t live without it!
Barbara: It’s so true! I enjoyed mine so much that, every time I tweeze an egg, I think of the person who gave it to me!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Rachel!
Barbara: Cute paper, Rachel!
Joycey: Good card!
Barbara: Cute ribbon! Good curling!
[ Rhonda grabs her next gift ]
Barbara: Oh! This one! This one is from Eileen Freelander!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Eileen! I-I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Oh, look! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, it’s an apron! It’s an apron, and it says “For This I Went To College?”
Joycey: Oh, that’s cute! That’s cute!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you guys, this is the BEST bridal shower a person ever had — except for the one my cousin Judy gave me last Saturday.
Barbara: Okay, well, now it’s time for the surprise!
Rhonda Weiss: Surprise? What do you mean? What could it be?
Joycey: You’ll see!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I don’t want anything else. No, this is enough. Really. [ Barbara brings in a large, oversized gift ] Oh, no! Oh, God! What is it?
Barbara: It’s a combination blender-microwave oven-yogurt maker-waffle iron and vegetable steamer.
Joycey: From Louise and I, with L-U-V!
Rhonda Weiss: [ holding back the tears ] I — I mean — like — like this is the — like — like — I mean, this is what I want to — like — all I can say is, I have only wanted this… since I saw it last September in Bloomingdale’s Houseware Sale catalog. May I die if I am lying. I mean, I was willing to give up my Going Away dress to get this. Please, God, if I am lying, may I accidentally swallow my cotnact lenses when I am washing them in my mouth.
[ Barbara and Joycey hug Rhonda ]
[ hands Rhonda a bouquet ] Here’s your ribbon bouquet to carry down the aisle for your rehearsal.
Joycey: Okay, and here’s what you’ll say on your wedding night: “Thank you. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m really sure I’ll like it!” [ all the girls shriek with joy ]
Rhonda Weiss: [ in tears ] Thank you… thank you, everybody. I — I just want to say that I — that I hope that you’ll be able to meet very nice criminal lawyers named Barry Leibowitz in your futures. [ the girls “Awwww!” ] Thank you.
[ camera pulls back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Reincarnation — Just Another Rerun?” ]
Shower Mike Written by: Bill Murray & Gilda Radner
Richard Herkiman … Bill Murray Jane Herkiman … Gilda Radner Richard Cularsky … Buck Henry
[Richard Herkiman, naked but photographed from thewaist up, enters his shower, shuts the curtain, andbegins what is clearly his morning routine:]
Richard Herkiman: Okay! All right! Okay! Another day,another dollar, Richard Herkiman! Let’s go! Come on,let’s go, let’s go! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.[starts the water, it pours down on him] Haaa! Hoga,hoga, haa, heyaheya, ho! Boy, that’s cold! Cold! ThatMexican family’s gotta go! Oh! All the hot water’sgone. Okay. [reaches for something hanging on thetiled wall behind him] Ladies and gentlemen! RichardHerkiman! Hey – hey!
[Herkiman loops a cord around his neck, at one end ofwhich is a microphone-shaped bar of soap, i.e., aShower Mike, and addresses an imaginary audience.Throughout the sketch, he treats the novelty gift asif it were a real microphone.]
Richard Herkiman: Whoo! Thank you, thank you verymuch. Whoo! [sings a cheesy version of the Beatles’song “Something”] Well, there’s something in the waythat that girl mooooooves – that attracts me like noother lover! Yeah, there’s something in the way thatshe woo-oo-oos me.
Jane: [pokes her head through the curtain] Honey?Honey?
Richard Herkiman: [speaks] Ladies and gentlemen –[sings] I don’t want to leave her now — [speaks] avery special guest! [sings] You know I believe andhow!
Jane: [joins him in the shower] Honey?
Richard Herkiman: [speaks] My wife, Mrs. RichardHerkiman, Jane Nash! Come on in, Jane!
[Richard croons wordlessly as Jane starts to latherup.]
Jane: I just want to– Honey, would you quit foolingaround? I just want to take a quick shower, allright? If you don’t mind.
Richard Herkiman: Say, Jane. How do you feel aboutsinging a song today? Huh? [puts the mike up to herface]
Jane: Richard, would you quit fooling around? I’m justtaking a shower.
Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on, honey. Would you mindsinging that wonderful morning song? [to his imaginaryaudience] Come on, let’s hear it for her! Come on!Let’s hear it for her! [The Studio 8H audienceapplauds.]
Jane: Richard!
Richard Herkiman: Jane, go ahead! [holds mike to hermouth]
Jane: [reluctantly sings as Richard snaps his fingersand joins in on a few words] On a clear day, why notlook around you and you’ll see– [speaks] Oh, Richard,stop it! You’re being silly. [starts washing herself]
Richard Herkiman: [squirts water out of his mouth]Listen, honey, a lot of folks out there want to knowif you really love me. Do you, honey?
Jane: [increasingly annoyed] Would you leave me alone,Richard?
Richard Herkiman: Do you love me with your whole heartand soul? Come on, honey!
Jane: Yes, I love you, I love you
Richard Herkiman: “I love you” — I know this is cornyand old-fashioned but, come on, there’s nobody else,is there? You really love, honor and cherish me?
Jane: I love you! Now, leave me alone, I’m in a hurry.
Richard Herkiman: Well, you know, honey, folks outthere, what my wife doesn’t know is that I know she’sbeen cheating on me for the last couple of years andwe’ve got behind the curtain a surprise guest, the manshe’s been seeing behind my back for the last twoyears, here he is! — Richard Cularsky! Come on in,Richard! [Herkiman pulls back the curtain and RichardCularsky enters the shower fully clothed] Good to haveyou aboard! Good to have you.
Jane: [amazed, to Cularksy] What are you doing here?![Cularsky kisses Jane]
Richard Herkiman: Yes, I brought him all the way fromhis home in the city to be with us here today. Isn’tthat terrific?
Cularsky: [Jane and Cularsky hug and kiss one another]Something tells me I shouldn’t have come, you’re toosurprised — but I do love you, come what may.
Richard Herkiman: All right. Now, tell me, kids, youkids must spend a lot of time in the shower togetherwhen I’m not here, huh?
[Herkiman holds mike to Cularksy’s mouth as Jane grabsa bar of soap and starts lathering the fully clothed”guest.”]
Cularsky: You bet! Nah, it’s funny — I – I’ll tellyou the truth. A lot of people have the wrong ideaabout that. It’s actually a lot safer to rent a hotelroom. You know, there’s much less chance of meeting anaunt or an uncle. And you don’t have to worry aboutchanging the sheets on the bed!
Richard Herkiman: Ouch! I forgot how much is involvedin this kind of thing. Whoo! Well, honey, you’ve beenconfronted with this thing now — are ya gonna breakit off with him for the good of your marriage or areyou just gonna continue to stick the knife in andtwist it and twist it, huh?
Richard Herkiman: Wow, that hurts! Okay, you’ll haveto excuse me, but, uh, I’m an emotional guy and Ireally hate to get bad news. I’m sorry but that’s theway I’m built. Okay. Gee, I’m afraid that’s all thetime I’ve got for today. Thanks, kids, for droppingby.
Cularsky: Before you finish, Richard, I just want tosee that — want to say that we’ll be in Philadelphiathe first week in June at the Statler Hotel.
Richard Herkiman: Oh, great. Well, I’ll be looking foryou there. Okay. [Herkiman pulls back the showercurtain and Jane and Cularsky, still kissing, exit theshower] Thanks for stopping by. Mrs. Herkiman and theguy she’s been messing around with!
[Applause]
Richard Herkiman: [to his imaginary audience] Thankyou. That’s about – that’s about all the time we’vegot for– I’ve gotta finish up my shower and jump onthat busy, crazy commuter train o’ mine and get backinto work. We’re gonna go to a commercial right now.Is that right? We’re gonna go to a commercial. But,before, I’d like to go out on one of my favoritesongs. [sings “My Way”] And now the time has come forme to close the shower curtain. [closes the showercurtain] I did what I have to do — [speaks] we’ll seeya tomorrow! — [sings] and saw it through …
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Deja Vu Coming Up Next: Deja Vu Coming Up Next: Deja Vu”
Narrator…..Dan Aykroyd Charles Lindbergh…..Buck Henry Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
[ open on archival photograph of Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of St. Louis ]
[ Music: “Lucky Lindy” ]
Narrator: Fifty years ago today, a quiet, determined man named Charles Lindbergh was greeted by thousands of cheering Parisians as he landed his Spirit of St. Louis at ?? Field. Other crews had attempted a transatlantic flight, and had died trying. But the Lone Eagle did it alone, challenging the ocean and drowsiness for thirty-three grueling hours on his way to immortality.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: [ checks his watch ] Only thirty-two hours to go.
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Narrator: And that was just the first few grueling minutes of the thirty-three grueling hours.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Narrator: Once he left the Jersey coast, night and fog closed in. Unable to see in the darkness, Lindbergh could not tell how far above the ocean his Spirit of St. Louis was flying. And, at times, the Lone Eagle swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.
Charles Lindbergh: I wonder if I’m perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic. [ he opens the window to peer out, and is splashed by a wave ] Yes, I am.
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Narrator: Yet, Lindy’s greatest danger was his own fatigue. Alone in the tiny cockpit, he talked to himself to keep awake.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: [ yawning ] Oh boy, am I tired! I gotta stay awake, though. If I could just stay awake, someday they’ll be singing a song about this! [ singing ] “Lucky Bergie, staying awake…” no, no, no, not Bergie! Charlie’s my name. It’s Charlie! [ singing ] “Lucky Charlie…” Wait a minute. [ singing ] “Charlie kinda knew! Charlie kinda WOW!! Charlie!” [ he shakes his head no ]
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Narrator: And always at hand was his trusty thermos of hot tea.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: [ pours a cap of tea from his thermos and drinks ] That’s the last of the hot tea… [ he places the empty thermos on the floor and begins to pee into it ]
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Charles Lindbergh V/O: Gee, I wish there was someone to talk to in here…
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: Wait a minute… I know. [ he fashions a handkerchief around his hand ] Stewardess! Oh, Stewardess! [ moves his fingers like a puppet ] Yes, sir? Could I have some more macademia nuts, please? Right away, sir! Uh, would you like to see a movie? Is there any extra charge? Not for you, big boy! Ah! [ he leans back to turn a projector on ] Wait a minute, Stewardess. I’ve seen this movie before! [ he turns the projector off ] Don’t you have any magazines? Certainly, sir! We have “Spicy Stories” and “French Marbles”. Really? Let me see! [ he reaches down and retrieves a copy of “Spicy Stories” ] Hmm… golly! “Spicy Stories”! [ to his hand ] I think it’s time for you to take a nap, Stewardess!
[ he lowers his hand to his lap and begins to flip the magazine’s pages with his free hand, as the cockpit shakes ]
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Narrator: Then, turbulence! Yes, unexpected turbulence suddenly jerked the plane off… course! Course! The brave young aviator struggled vainly against sleep, and, once again, he swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.
[ Lindbergh places the magazine down, then closes his eyes and falls asleep ]
Narrator: Wake up! You’re perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic!
Charles Lindbergh: [ opens his eyes ] I wonder if I am perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic. [ he opens the window to peer out, and is splashed by a wave ] Yep!
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Narrator: Up there in the dark, the plucky young American flyer found comfort in thoughts of the Almighty.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: God? I’m tired…
Narrator: Yet, once again the Lone Eagle swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic!
Charles Lindbergh: [ his heart no longer fully into this routine ] I wonder if, once again, I am perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.
[ he opens the window to peer out, only to be greeted by the theme from “Jaws” and the head of the Land Shark peeking over the window ]
Land Shark: Mr. Lindbar… brown… bing…?
Charles Lindbergh: What?
Land Shark: Captain Lindmare… burr… bear… burr…?
Charles Lindbergh: Who’s that?
Land Shark: Candy-gram.
Charles Lindbergh: [ confused ] I didn’t order any candy!
Land Shark: Um… exterminator.
Charles Lindbergh: I — I don’t need an exterminator! I’m flying solo to Paris!
Land Shark: M-maps… Paris maps.
Charles Lindbergh: I’ve GOT a map!
Land Shark: Compass.
Charles Lindbergh: And I’ve GOT a compass!! Now leave me alone!
Land Shark: Amphetamines.
Charles Lindbergh: [ smiles ] Well, okay… I guess we could chat for a while!
Land Shark: C-could you slow down a bit? I-I can’t keep up.
Charles Lindbergh: Are you swimming?
Land Shark: I’m running.
Charles Lindbergh: You’re running?!
Land Shark: Yes, sir. I’m running.
Charles Lindbergh: You mean… I’m on land, finally? I’ve made it to Paris?! I’ve gone all the way to France?!
Land Shark: Oui, oui, Monsieur.
[ Lindbergh smiles, as as his face is superimposed over crowds of French citizens awaiting his arrival on the ground ]
Narrator: And so, Charles Lindbergh managed to stay awake during man’s first solo flight all the way across the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic! With nothing but a simple compass, a thermos of hot tea, and nine cheap jokes. He became a legend in his own time, that lucky, lucky Lindy.
[ Music Out: “Lucky Lindy” ]
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Worships False TV Idols” ]
