Category: 1976

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22

76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
Voices of jockey and horse…..Chevy Chase
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Bella Abzug
…..Buck Henry

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. Our top story tonight:

California police report that Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra have kidnapped Patricia Hearst, and forced her to join their nightclub act. Reports say that the two entertainers dragged Miss Hearst screaming from her San Francisco apartment, through her into the trunk of a Lear jet, and are now appearing in Las Vegas as Tanya & The Meatballs. In exchange for her return, they are demanding the head of Jerry Lewis. More on this story, as it develops.

In Texas, late millionairess, Sandra West, was buried this week in her Ferrari sports coupe, as she had requested. Afterwards, a small group of mourners placed a floral wreath and a set of steel-belted radial tires on the grave.

Interviewed this week for the third time by David Frost, former President Richard Nixon said that any act is legal if it is authorized by the President. Nixon confessed that, in addition to approving wiretaps and burglaries, as President he occasionally shoplifted and held up a number of licquor stores in the Washington area.

Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update Sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race’s winner, Seattle Slew. Here’s the footage now.

[ cut to stock horse racing footage ]

Jockey V/O: Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey… hey… aiiee..! Ow-ay… ow..! Ow… ow..!

Horse V/O: It’s okay, we’ll be alright!

Jockey V/O: Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!

Horse V/O: We’re okay!

Jockey V/O: I know, my — ow..!

Horse V/O: Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!

Jockey V/O: Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts — aiieee..! Ow..!

Horse V/O: Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy…

[ cut back to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

Ballet star Mikhael Barishnikov (?) attended a party with Jacqueline Onassis, following the New York premiere of B’s production of “The Nutcracker” for the American Ballet Theater. Though the opening was a big success, Mrs. Onassis made B cry when she informed him that she could see very little under his tights.

It was fifty years ago this week that Charles Lindbergh made his historic solo flight from New York to Paris. Taking off at Roosevelt Field on Long Island, it was a feat that was hailed by millions of citizens, except for the residents of Howard Beach, who protested against the noise.

This just in: we now take you live to our crack political reporter, Miss Emily Litella, who is with Bella Abzug, who is about to make an important announcement. Emily?

[ cut to Emily Litella standing with Bella Abzug. The two women wear matching sun hats. ]

Emily Litella: Yes, Jane! I’m standing here in front of City Hall, with former Congresswoman Stella Abzug, who has an announcement to make! Stella?

Bella Abzug: Emily, it’s Bella. Bella.

Emily Litella: Ohhhh!! You speak Italian! How nice! That’s lovely! Just lovely! Now, tell me, Stella, what do you plan to —

Bella Abzug: It’s Bella. It’s Bella. Bella!

Emily Litella: Oh, ciao! Ciao! Yes!

Bella Abzug: Bella!

Emily Litella: Right. Well, Stella, we know you have the Italian vote! [ she laughs at her joke ]

Bella Abzug: Oh, I have a lot of love for the voters, but —

Emily Litella: Great! Well, uh — does this mean that you’re going to throw your CAT into the ring? Because I think it’s TERRIBLE the way pets are mistreated, just to get a few votes for politicians! Throwing yuor cat into — [ Abzug taps Litella’s shoulder ] What?

Bella Abzug: It’s not cat — it’s hat. “Hat” in the ring. You see, my hat. It’s still on, but I’m planning to toss it into the —

Emily Litella: Ohhh! Oh, I see! It’s a very lovely hat, I might add. It’s just lovely.

Bella Abzug: Oh, thanks. I see you have a nice hat — cat — I mean, HAT!

Emily Litella: Yes! [ to the camera ] Well, I’m here, and Stella has an announcement to make, and I think I know what it is! Stella Abzug is going to THROW her CAT into the ring!

Bella Abzug: Emily!

Emily Litella: And HERE’S her big announcement!

Bella Abzug: [ taking the microphone ] Never mind.

[ cut back to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Emily. Now, as a public service, “Weekend Update”‘s guest editorial commentator — Buck Henry.

Buck Henry: Thank you, Jane. Actually, I have a little surprise for you. I’m not here to deliver an editorial or a commentary, but to make a presentation. The Council of Television Journalists, for which I am honorary chairman, has unanimously voted you, Jane Curtin, America’s Outstanding Television Journalist for the 1976-77 Season. [ he holds up her award ]

[ the audience cheers ]

Jane Curtin: That is such an honor. I don’t know what to say. Who’s gotten this award before?

Buck Henry: Uhhh — well, no one, Jane. This is the first year that I’ve — that we’ve presented it.

Jane Curtin: [ humbly ] Well… why me?

Buck Henry: Why? Why, Jane? I mean, I can answer you — I can answer that question because you’re a woman, and I’m a man — what could Cronkite, Brinkley, Chancellor, or Smith ever do for me, if I gave them this plaque? They’d say “Thank you.” Big deal. But, with you, it’s a different situation. Yuo ask “Why me?” I could tell you, because I’ve watched you sitting here, show after show, with your blonde hair brushing the side of your face, as you’ve kept me informed of the news of the world… I’ve heard that breathless little catch in your voice when a particular news item affected your emotions… I’ve seen you unbutton the top button on your blouse to boost your ratings, as well as my pulse… I’ve thought about those silken thighs underneath the desk, crossing and uncrossing… or those… I-I-I-I just imagine what you’re like underneath this desk! The unseen newswoman, as it were! You know what I mean? So, when you ask me, I can safely answer, Jane, because I WANT YOU, as I’ve never before wanted a network anchorperson!

Jane Curtin: Well, I — [ she’s at a loss for words ]

Buck Henry: In addition, Jane, to this lovely plaque, there’s a trophy — a rather large trophy, I must say! Which, uh, I’d rather give to you in private, if I could.

Jane Curtin: [ now completely uncomfortable ] Th-that’s okay… I can live without it.

Buck Henry: Well, uh, the trophy is of an unusual and original design —

Jane Curtin: I’m sure.

Buck Henry: It’s not suitable for home viewing. So, if I could give it to you after the show, say, at your place?

Jane Curtin: Uhhh — thank you very much, Mr. Henry —

Buck Henry: You’re absolutely sure?

Jane Curtin: But, uh — no thank you —

Buck Henry: Alright, in that case, I’ll be taking this award back. I don’t think you’ll need it anyway. I’ll go talk to Barbara, I’ve heard things about her…

[ Buck grabs his plaque and makes his exit ]

Jane Curtin: Good night, and — [ she glares offscreen in Buck’s wake ] That’s the news, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Jane scowls and continues to glare offscreen in Buck’s wake ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:













Cameos:



Bit Players:


February 20th, 1977

Randy Newman

Randy Newman

Buck Henry

Eric Idle

The New Leviathan Fox Trot Orchestra

Penny Marshall

The Meters

Cindy Williams

Henry Winkler

Roberts Batson

Mayor Moon Landrieau

Paul Shaffer

Michael O’Donoghue
President Carter at Mardi GrasSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) addresses the crowd from the tail end of the Andrew Jackson statue in Jackson Square.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Rosalynn Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Randy Newman performs “Louisiana 1927”Note: Randy Newman performs at the Theater of the Performing Arts, located in Armstrong Park at 801 North Rampart Street.

Transcript

The Bacchus ParadeSummary: Buck Henry and Jane Curtin comment on the crowd waiting for the Bacchus parade to arrive, then turn their attention to the “Let’s Hit Al Hirt (John Belushi) in the Mouth with a Brick” contest.

Note: The contest refers to an incident seven years earlier when Al Hirt was injured while riding in a Mardi Gras parade. It was believed that Hirt was hit in the mouth by a brick thrown from a parade reveler.

Transcript

QuarrySummary: The all-rock cereal that’s chock full of minerals.

Note: Repeat from 76h.

The Wild Bees Motorcycle ClubSummary: In their desperate search to meet men at the Mardi Gras, Rhonda Weiss (Gilda Radner), Sherry (Laraine Newman) and Penny Marshall meet the rowdy members of The Wild Bees Motorcycle Club (Bill Murray, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Rhonda Weiss, Sherry, Bees.

Transcript

Fats Domino As Sung By Garrett MorrisSummary: Garrett Morris’ version of Fats Domino’s songs all feature the same set of piano notes.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “Marie”Transcript

CemeteriesSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, a a man who paints above-ground cemetery tombs for a living discusses his career.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) interviews a bouncer named Honker (Bill Murray) and Pink Lady topless dancer, Velocity (Cindy Williams).

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Honker.

Transcript

Baba Wawa at LargeSummary: Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner) interviews this year’s King of Bacchus, Henry Winkler.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters.

Transcript

Mussolini Re-CreationSummary: Ricky Mussolini (John Belushi) re-creates his grandfather’s 1940 visit to New Orleans.

Transcript

Crowd ReactionSummary: Eric Idle reports on the crowd reaction to the Bacchus parade at an empty outdoor cafe.

Transcript

Gary Weis Down SouthSummary: A film by Gary Weis displays a montage of Dixie signs throughout New Orleans.

Transcript

The New Leviathan Oriental Fox Trot Orchestra performs “Rebecca Came Back From Mecca”Lyrics

Krewe of Apollo BallSummary: Penny Marshall reports on the proceedings at the Krewe of Apollo ball, which extensively features men in drag.

Transcript

Stella!Summary: Stanley Kowalski (John Belushi) yells for “Stella!” outside what he believes to be his apartment.

Transcript

The Antler DanceSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael o’Donoghue) performs the Antler Dance from atop a balcony, as Paul Shaffer sings the lyrics.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Buck Henry!Summary: Mayor Moon Landrieau presents Garrett Morris with the combination to the city. Laraine Newman interviews a man (John Belushi) who carries on a tradition of taping live mice to his eyebrows. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) interviews a “liverboat” captain (Bill Murray).

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “Kingfish”Transcript

Jean LafitteSummary: Jean Lafitte (Bill Murray) goes to great lengths to make the point that he is not a pirate.

Transcript

Krewe of Apollo Ball IISummary: Penny Marshall and — finally — Cindy Williams reports on the coronation at the Krewe of Apollo ball.

Transcript

Randy Newman performs “Sail Away”Transcript

GoodnightsSummary: With the realization that the broadcast is over and the Bacchus parade isn’t going to show, Randy Newman, Buck Henry and Jane Curtin say “Good night.”

Note: The Bacchus parade never showed at Buck and Jane’s location on time because a street reveler was run over by one of the floats near the beginning of the route. The parade eventually resumed, though it had to be rerouted to make up for lost time.

Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

The Meters perform “Hey Pocky A-Way” and “Mardi Gras Mambo”Note: The Meters were originally to close the broadcast while performing these local favorites, but ended up cut from the show entirely. They did get a chance to play on SNL a month later, though, by that time, keyboardist Art Neville had already left the group.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Antler Dance

…..Randy Newman
…..Paul Shaffer
…..Michael o’Donoghue

[ open on interior, Theater of the Performing Arts ]

Randy Newman: And now, another time-honored New Orleans tradition — Paul Shaffer, joined by Howard Shore and the NBC Video Orchestra, will perform “The Antler Dance.”

[ zoom past Randy to reveal the full SNL band playing ]

Paul Shaffer: [ singing ]
“Ahhh, let me tell you a story about what happened to me just the other night, whoo!
A man in a mask walked into my room, late last Saturday night
I said, ‘Hey, Mr. Mask, what you doin’ in here?’
He said, ‘There ain’t no cause for fri-i-ight!
Well, I got a dance that’ll beat the bump, the hustle and the hoochie-coo!’
And then he took off his pants, and did the Antler Dance
It’s so easy, you can do it, too!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well, the Antler Dance!
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!

Paul Shaffer: [ spoken ]
New Orleans Mardi Gras 1977! Yes, that’s how it started, way back in 1917, and, since then, once every ten years, that man in the mask returns, to lead ALL of Mardi Gras in a dance so wild in abandon, that they call it the Antler Dance! Well, listen — tonight is the night, so let’s go LIVE, right now, to New Orleans’ famed Antler Street —

[ dissolve to a crowd of revelers surrounding a fictictious street sign that reads “Rue d’ Antler – Antler St.” ]

Paul Shaffer V/O: — where an estimated half-a-million revelers are gathered to count off the last remaining seconds – 4! 3! 2! 1!

[ suddenly, Mr. Mike appears dancing, with a mask over his eyes and his hands posed above his head like antlers. As he prances about, the crowd gleefully tosses various objects at Mr. Mike, who soon realizes he’s gotten himself into more than he bargained for. ]

And.. there he is! The man in the mask! Alright, there’s no stopping this crowd now! Whoo!

[ singing ]
“A UFO, came out of the sky, and landed in L.A.!
The top blew off, and a thing crawled out, that flashed with a purple ray-ay.
It ate concrete, and it had nine feet, and a face like an overshoe.
And then it took off its pants, and did the Antler Dance
Well, it’s so easy, you can do it, too!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well, the Antler Dance!”

[ spoken ] Listen, there’s one more thing I’ve gotta tell you about right now:

[ singing ]
“Old Nate Hale was a-standin’ there, just a-waitin’, to be hung!
He said, ‘I’m going down, in the history books, as a cat who really swu-ung!’Well, I’ve got to say, if I had my way, I’d give another life or two.
And then he took off his pants, and did the Antler Dance
Well, he did it for the Red, White and Blue!

Put your hands on your head, like a big ol’ moose
Keep your elbows high, and your legs real loose
Groove around the floor, kinda leap and prance
Shake your middle just a little, and you’re doing the Antler Dance!
Oh yeah, the Antler Dance!
Well, well, well!”

[ the crowd cheers ]

[ overhead shot of the crowd, with caption: “Coming up Next… The South Will Fall Again” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Krewe of Apollo Ball

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Penny Marshall
…..Roberts Batson

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: At this year’s parade, the theme will be Sex Crimes of Many Nations. As we speak, they are starting construction on a huge float in the shape of a closet.

Buck Henry: The parade itself was discovered by 16th Century French explorer, Pierre Parade, who was searching for a route from Canal Street to his hotel room.

Jane Curtin: And now, over to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball.

[ dissolve to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball, in the Hyatt Regency ]

[ Penny Marshall is seated at a table and reading from a clipboard, oblivious that the camera is now on her. She hears applause and begins clapping as well, her eyes looking about the room in a catatonic state. She glances to the side of the cameraman. ]

Penny Marshall: Now?

[ Penny grabs a microphone, continues to stare incoherently for another second or two, sighs into the microphone, then finally begins ]

Penny Marshall: Well, the parades and the craziness on the streets are.. the Mardi Gras everyone knows. That is the public Mardi Gras. But there is another private carnival as well. [ flips the notes on her clipboard ] We — Cindy’s not here yet — but we are privileged tonight to be invited to the 8th Annual Ball Masque of the Mystic Krewe of Apollo.

[ cut to a man in a tuxedo escorting a man in a ball gown across the floor ]

Penny Marshall V/O: This carnival club has an all-male membership, as many of the other club’s do.

[ cut back to Penny ]

Penny Marshall: But, tonight’s ball, the queen, the maids, and the debutantes.. are all being portrayed by the men of this organization. [ looks off to the side ] Uh – there’s a debutante out there now. Isn’t she beautiful? [ looks again ] He’s beautiful.

[ cut to a male debutante being escorted by another male ]

Penny Marshall V/O: Here comes another debutante. She’s wearing a white dress, blonde hair with baby’s breath in it. I don’t know the age requirement of the debutantes, but she looks swell.

[ upward diagonal wipe back to Penny clapping ]

Penny Marshall: Um — [ turns to the man seated behind her ] Roberts Batson.. do you have anything to describe this attire? Do they pick out their own clothes?

Roberts Batson: Uh – I really don’t know how the dresses are determined, but I would like to say that this is a traditional part of the Mardi Gras balls – the presentation of the debutantes. And almost all of the organizations do their — it usually comes right at the beginning of the ball, following the traditional format of the Mardi Gras ball.

[ cut to the next male debutante being escorted by another male ]

Penny Marshall V/O: It’s beautiful. Here comes another debutante.

Roberts Batson V/O: Is it what you expected?

Penny Marshall V/O: [ stunned ] I — nooo, I did not expect this at all. But it’s wonderful.

[ cut back to Penny and Roberts ]

Roberts Batson: You know, the dresses are not exactly the same.

Penny Marshall: No, they aren’t. She has a, uh —

Roberts Batson: They all maintain the white dress —

Penny Marshall: [ slightly stammering ] The white dress, yes.

Roberts Batson: — a slight difference in style —

Penny Marshall: And they bow differently —

Roberts Batson: Yes.

Penny Marshall: And they all have escorts. How many debutantes are there?

Roberts Batson: Uh, I believe — [ begins to count ] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 — six! Six debutantes.

Penny Marshall: Okay. [ to the camera ] We will be coming back to this wonderful ball in a few minutes. [ nervously ] I hope Cindy will, too..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Krewe of Apollo Ball II

…..Jane Curtin
…..Penny Marshall
…..Cindy Williams

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: And now back to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball.

[ dissolve to Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams at the Apollo Ball, in the Hyatt Regency ]

Penny Marshall: [ loudly ] Hi! Here we are, back at the Apollo! [ Cindy shushes her ] I’m sorry. [ in a softer voice ] They’re just about to introduce the Queen – the eighth Queen —

Cindy Williams: — of the Apollo.

Penny Marshall: We have missed all the hand maidens, and the three out-of-town Kings and Queens. [ fanfare blares ] But, here she is – here comes —

[ dissolve to live footage of the Queen walking down the aisle ]

Cindy Williams: The Queen is going to be wearing a floor-length, gold silk gown with chiffon overlay, encrusted and bejeweled — oh, with silver and amber on gold — ohh, she’s beautiful.

Penny Marshall V/O: She’s getting a standing ovation, as well deserved.

Cindy Williams V/O: Yes. With a collar of a combination of plume, made of scented feathers, and a crown, the same as the King.

Together V/O: Hi!!

Penny Marshall V/O: Hello!

Cindy Williams V/O: Isn’t he something? He’s something, isn’t he?

Penny Marshall V/O: What?

Cindy Williams V/O: He’s something.

Penny Marshall V/O: We must stand — we must stand for the Queen.

[ dissolve back to Penny and Cindy standing up and clapping ]

Penny Marshall: There’s a lot of scented feathers coming out of the Queen’s side. Many feathers.

Cindy Williams: You missed a costume made of yak fur, earlier —

Penny Marshall: Say bye. Bye. Goodbye, from Apollo.

[ dissolve back to Buck and Jane ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

Baba Wawa At Large

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner
…..Henry Winkler

[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: Just to give you a hint of things to come, the marching band and the drill team from the Louisiana State Prison – they all escaped this morning so that they could be here tonight.

Buck Henry: The parade is just a little delayed in getting here. Apparently, an overactiv drum majorette has just had an unfortunate but interesting accident with her baton. We’ll have more on that — [ Buck’s words are cut off as a pair of beads tossed by a reveler nearly knocks his microphone from his hand ]

Jane Curtin: That’s probably in anticipation of the person we’re all waiting for – the King of Bacchus, Henry Winkler. Known to countless of americans as the Beaver.

Buck Henry: No, no. Not the Beaver, Jane. I think he’s known as, uh.. Shorty, or Captain Video.

Jane Curtin: Well, I knew it was either the Beaver or the cisco Kid.

Buck Henry: At any rate, he has gone into court, in order to change his name legally – so there’ll be no confusion – to change his name to Helen Hayes.

Jane Curtin: Well, we’ll probabyl find out what’s happening with him right now, when we take you to an interview with Baba Wawa and Henry Winkler, taped earlier today.

[ dissolve to pre-tape of Baba Wawa standing with Henry winkler ]

Baba Wawa: Hewwo! This is Baba Wawa at Warge, and I’m here at Wadi Gwas in New Owweans. It’s a pwetty tewwific city! Known thwoughout Amewica as Awthaw Fonzawewwi, the tewwibwy, tawented, twuwy tewwiffic, weal-wife – Henwy Winkwer!

Henry winkler: No, Baba – that’s He-ry Wink-ler.

Baba Wawa: Hewwo, Henwy!

Henry winkler: It’s a pleasure to be here with you, Baba!

Baba Wawa: Henwy, you’ve cweated a chawactaw that has a pwetty cowassaw wesonse. I mean, weawwy. I mean, I nevaw miss yaw pwogwam, it’s wondawfaw!

Henry winkler: Thank you.

Baba Wawa: Teww me, Henwy – do you have any difficuwties sepawating yaw own pewsonawities fwon the Fonz?

Henry winkler: Now, that’s a very good question, Baba. Actually, the first lesson I ever learned as an actor was to make that separation between my identity and the character’s, and, in this case, it’s the Fonz.

Baba Wawa: Weww – sounds wike you have the pwopaw pawspective!

Henry winkler: Oh, yeah. Like, in the studio, you know, I’m the Fonz, and, at home, I’m Henry Winkler, you know? Uh – at home, I answer the phone as Henry winkler; on the set, I answer the phone as the Fonz.

Baba Wawa: Weawwy?

Henry Winkler: Yes. Now – well, occasionally, sometimes I get a call at home for the Fonz. But, what I do is, I take a message, I give it to him – uh, he does the same for me. He’s a very considerate man. If he’s wearing a shirt that I truly love, all I have to do is mention it to him, he takes it RIGHT OFF and gives it to me!

Baba Wawa: Weww, he sounds wike a wiving daww.

Henry Winkler: Oh, he is! He’s a – he’s a pleasure to spend time with. We do a lot,/i> of things together. You know, sometimes we go to the movies, or catch a frisbee, you know, grab some burgers, just cruise! Uh – the only thing we have not been able to do, uh, lately – we haven’t been able to take a picture together, which is really like a drag. I’d love to ave a picture with him! [ Baba looks at Henwy with gweat confusion ] Now, it’s true that we have some problems. Like, when I meet a girl – she falls for me! Which I can understand, you know, because I’m cool, she’s cool. You know? Dig it, huh? [ laughs ] Ah, the last time that happened, H.W. beat me up one side up my body and DOWN the other! You know what I’m talking about? I mean, DOWN the other! [ in a serious tone ] Baba, I-I believe he deserved it, because he is, um, a creep —

Baba Wawa: Oh, ho, ho. Well, Henwy, despite yaw difficuwties, you awe extwordinawiwy chawismatic. You know, Henwy, I would like to know the, uh, the secwet to yaw success. I’m suwe evewyone would – I mean, why awe you maw wuhved than, wet’s say, uh.. Baba Wawa?

Henry Winkler: [ defensive ] Hey! That’s not true! You are LOVED, Baba! I’m talking about love-a-mondo!

Baba Wawa: Aw, Henwy, Henwy —

Henry Winkler: I’m talking about affection corazon!

Baba Wawa: Henwy, wet’s be sewious – thewe awe no scweaming teenagews fowwowing me, going, “Baba! Baba!” I mean, thewe awe no Baba t-shiwts.. no Baba postaws.. no I mean, what’s the weason? I’m pwetty nice, I’m pwetty pwetty, I’m pwetty cute.. I’m pwetty.. pwetty.. [ begins to weep ]

Henry Winkler: Well, perhaps what you need is just a change of style.

Baba Wawa: Aw, it might be pwausibwe, but what do you suggest?

Henry Winkler: Alright, let’s do this quickly, because I don’t want to spend that much time on you.

Baba Wawa: Wight.

Henry Winkler: Uh – what was the largest story, the biggest story you had on the news last night?

Baba Wawa: Uh, well – a pwane cwash kiwwed thwee-hundwed peopwe.

Henry Winkler: Alright. Let’s try it. [ demonstrates a la the Fonz ] “Plane crash killed three-hundred PEOPLE! He-e-e-eyy!”

Baba Wawa: [ tries it ] “He-e-e-eyy!” [ laughs ] You know, I’ww twy that – I mean, maybe it’ww stop Hawwy Weasonaw fwom kicking me undaw the desk. Henwy – one wast question befaw we cwose: How do you pewsonawwy feew about being KING of tonight’s pawade?

Henry Winkler: Oh, Baba.. New Orleans is really the city in which to be a king. There are male teenagers here from all over the United States, and I — [ mocks weeping ] I wee-eep!

Baba Wawa: [ laughing ] We-e-e-ehh! That sounds weawwy womantic! Thank you, Henwy! [ to the camera ] This is Baba Wawa at Warge, cwosing and saying, Henwy Winkwer is —

Henry Winkler: No, no, no – that’s: Hen-ry Wink-ler.

Baba Wawa: Hen-wy Wink-wer.

[ Henry takes Baba’s face in her hands and moves her mouth for each syllable ]

Together: Hen. Ry. Wink. Ler. Hen-ry. Wink-ler. Henry/Henwy. Winkler/Winkwer.

Henry Winkler: Right. Henry Winkler.

Baba Wawa: Wight. [ to the camera ] I’m Baba Wawa, saying, Henwy winkwer is a fwuit! Good night!

[ Henry closes in to give Baba a hard, passionate kiss on the lips, as the video dissolves back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Bacchus Parade

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
Al Hirt…..John Belushi

[ open on SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Randy!

[ the crowd surrounding the grandstand cheers, and already begins flinging beads toward Buck and Jane. A superball even riccochets off Jane’s head. ]

Jane Curtin: Aigh! Thank you, Randy. I’m Jane curtin.

Buck Henry: I’m Buck Henry. And we’re here, high above the Bacchus parade, which will be coming by our stand at any minute. It’s very exciting, above this.. SEA of humanity.

[ dissolve to a closer view if the crowd behind Buck and Jane’s shoulders ]

Jane Curtin: It’s an incredible crowd, and just a, just a note about the crowd: a woman has just given birth to a baby girl, and, in honor of the circumstances, she’s naming it “Crushed.”

[ dissolve back to Buck and Jane ]

Buck Henry: Really an incredible thing to realize that — [ more beads and debris are flung toward Buck and Jane by the laughing crowd ] hundreds of thousands of Americans have traveled THOUSANDS of miles, just to come here to New Orleans to visit Bourbon Street and to throw up.

Jane Curtin: Because of the – because of the delay in the parade, let’s take time out now, to have a look at one of the more recent New Orleans traditions – and, of course, I’m talking about the annual “Let’s Hit Al Hirt in the Mouth with a Brick” contest. Here he is, live fom Bourbon Street, the King of Carnival himself – Mr. Al Hirt!

[ dissolve to Al Hirt standing in front of his Al Hirt’s Club at 501 Bourbon Street ]

[ the crowd cheers as Al hirt holds up his trumpet, then breaks into a brassy lick of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” After about four seconds, three bricks fly in from opposite sides of the screen, the second bouncing off of Al’s right eye. Al momentariliy stops playing his trumpet, as he leers at the laughing crowd, then starts over. ]

[ two more bricks fly in from the same side of the screen, as Al ducks. A third brick bounces off of his trumpet. A few more bricks and odd debris hit Al as well, knocking him to the pavement and causing him to finally stop blowing on his trumpet. Another foreign object lands at his body. ]

[ the crowd cheers. Al picks himself up and starts over once again. He barely completes the first note as yet another brick bounces atop his head. More bricks and a banana strike Al across the head, as he again hits the pavement and stops blowing. ]

[ Al carefully picks himself up, presses his trumpet to his lips and crouches before he takes his first blow. A rock hits him across the back, as more bricks and debris pelt him from the front. He tries valiantly to continue playing, but is once mroe knocked to the pavement as more bricks land on him. ]

[ Al rolls onto his side and starts over. A brick immediately bounces off of his trumpet. A baseball bat lands on the pavement to his right. Al lies across his back and continues to blow his trumpet, as another bat hits him. Beer cans also land near him. More bricks and a hardhat also pelt him, as Al finally surrenders to the street. ]

[ dissolve back to Buck Henry and Jane Curtin ]

Buck Henry: While we’re waiting for Al to regain consciousness, let’s go to this filmed message.

[ dissolve to a repeat of Quarry ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

The Wild Bees Motorcycle Club

Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner
…..Penny Marshall
Sherry…..Laraine Newman
The Scab…..Bill Murray
Jake the Snake…..John Belushi
The Tongue…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Penny Marshall standing off to the side of a fountain, holding a can of beer and waiting for her cue ]

Voice of Rhonda Weiss: I can’t seee those —

[ Penny now steps closer to Rhonda Weiss and Sherry seated on the edge of the fountain ]

Penny: Any of you want a beer before we have to get back to the restaurant?

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, no beer for me. One beer, and I’m Queen of the Cellulite Parade!

[ Penny struggles to sit on the edge, raising her petticoat to adjust her posture ]

Penny: Oh, boy.. oh, boy.. oh, boy. [ removes her tennis shoe ] Look – another blister.

Rhonda Weiss: [ examines Penny’s foot ] Mmm.

Penny: Oh, boy. I hate waiting tables.

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I hate EVERYTHING!

Sherry: Oh, quit complaining, you guys! Quit whining, it’s really getting sickening! I mean, I think serving people is really, really interesting! You know? Have you noticed the different ways that people chew?

Penny: [ sarcastically ] Oh, that’s really beautiful, Sherry.

Rhonda Weiss: Well, so – where are the guys? I mean, I came here to meet guys! Where are the guys?!

Penny: Everybody came to Mardi Gras to meet guys – even the guys.

Sherry: Oh, come on! Just working at the restaurant, you met TONS of guys!

Penny: Ah, they were all too short.

Rhonda Weiss: Yeah, well, I thought this was going to be like “Where The Boys Are.” I mean, even Connie Francis met a guy.

Sherry: None of the guys are sincere down here. I mean, let’s face it: I mean, they just want to get into my ??

Penny: I wish something exciting would happen. [ swigs from a bottle ]

Rhonda & Sherry: Yeah.. yeah.. me, too..

Penny: I’m bored.

Rhonda Weiss: I’m bored, too. You know, I didn’t even get a darn tip this afternoon.

Penny: No?

Rhonda Weiss: Not a cent!

[ their conversation is muffled as the sounds of “Born to be Wild” blare into the scenery, and three Bikers Bees roll into the scene on their Harley-Davidsons ]

The SCab: Hi, girls! We’re the Shriner’s Drill Team! [ guffaws ] Aw, come on! No, seriously – we’re the Wild Bees Motorcycle Club, from National City, California. [ points himself and his buddies out ] Im The Scab.. this is Jake the Snake.. and this is.. The Tongue!

[ The Tongue hangs his tongue out pathetically ]

The Scab: Now, uh – one of you is gonna be with The Tongue. Okay?

[ pull out to reveal that The Tongue is smitten with a horrified and disgusted Penny ]

Rhonda & Sherry: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Penny: Are these guys?

Sherry: [ excited ] I don’t know! But I think Scab’s a real FOX!

The Tongue: We just rode in from Corpus Christi, Texas! We blew up a small town for a friend! [ chuckles ] We need some girls to take CARE of us! We don’t know how to COOK! And how to SEW! We don’t KNOW!

Penny: I’m glad we came into town!

The Girls: You want to go? I don’t know, you want to go? Do you want to go?

[ The Tongue proceeds to lift Penny’s petticoat and have a look ]

Penny: He’s got a decent looking hardware, and, uh, we ain’t at no sissy bar. [ turns to The Tongue ] Okay, Kong – take me!

The Tongue: Yeah!!! [ picks Penny up and lays her across his Harley ]

Sherry: Yeah, you know, Scab – that’s a really, really cute shovel head!

The SCab: Yeah, well, uh – are you dating anybody right now? ‘Cause, uh, if you’re not, I’d like to take ya’ home and beat ya’ up, you know what I mean?

[ Scab and Sherry hop on his Harley ]

Rhonda Weiss: Um, excuse me, um, Jake the Snake. Is this, uh, real leather, or just naugahyde?

Jake the Snake: [ blows smoke at Rhonda’s face ] You know what your gonna do?! You’re comin’ back to California with me! Come back to your block house! Listen! I’m an ANIMAL!! I call party animals, animals from parties! anything will do! We’ll shave your head and chain you to the roof and wipe our feet on ‘ya! And then we’ll make ‘ya pick up after us! Whattaya say?! you wanna come?! [ thrusts her to the ground ]

Rhonda Weiss: Uhhh – yeah.

Jake the Snake: [ gentle ] Alright.

[ they climb on Jake’s Harley, as all the Bees ride off into the night to the sounds of “Born to be Wild” ]

[ dissolve to a full shot of the crowd ]

[ zoom in on New Orleans woman, add SUPER: “Owned Alex Haley’s Grandfather” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special

Mardi Gras Special

President Carter at Mardi Gras

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Rosalyn Carter…..Laraine Newman

[ open on close-up of President Jimmy Carter ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, everybody. I’d like, at this time, to say a few words about the state of the nation. Now, these are hard times for all of us – with a harsh, cold winter, and a permanent energy crisis, it’s gonna get worse and not better. [ smiles ] But I feel, as individual Americans, in this country, we should still try to have fun, in spite of all these problems. We must work hard, all of us – those of us who have work – and those of us who don’t, those of who don’t have work, must work hard to find it. Check the want ads. Don’t sleep in past noon. [ smiles ]

I’m fully committed to carry out my responsibilities as President. To carry on a program immediately, of natural energy conservation. And, when I travel, to carry my own garment bag. And, always, to carry my brother Billy when he’s unable to walk by himself. [ smiles ] But I don’t mind. I don’t mind. He ain’t heavy.. he’s my brother! [ smiles, blinks ]

[ camera pulls back to reveal that Carter is sitting on the rear end of Andrew Jackson’s horse atop a statue in Jackson Square ]

Above all else, we must not yield to the emotional and spiritual depression qhich accompanies winter time. Now, Southerners avoid this type of seasonal depression by coming to the Mardi Gras in New Orleans. [ the crowd cheers ] And that’s why I’m here now, having a good time and trying to relax and party briefly — [ retrieves a can of beer hidden behind Jackson ] before going back to undertake my next phase of duties in Washington.

Voice of Rosalyn Carter: Jimmy? Jimmy, honey?

President Jimmy Carter: Excuse me. [ looks down below ] Yes, honey?

[ cut to Rosalyn Carter on the ground ]

Rosalyn Carter: Honey, you’ve been up there for two days. Come on down, I’m worried about you!

[ cut back to Jimmy ]

President Jimmy Carter: Okay! [ pulls out a sword from behind Jackson ] YEEEEEEE-HOO-HOO-HOO!!! Live, from Mardi Gras, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Elliot Gould’s Monologue

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

…..Elliot Gould
…..John Belushi
…..Bill Murray

Elliot Gould: Well, hello, hello, hello! Here I am back in New York, and this is where I’m from, right?

You know, when I was a littler kid, I was told I was supposed to be a song-and-dance man on Broadway. So I did that. And whenever I come on the show, I knew the first time I’d love to sing old songs. I sang “Crazy Rhythm” and “Let Yourself Go”. And then last time, I sang “Anything Goes”, by Cole Porter. And tonight, I had planned to sing a verse of “All The Things You Are”, “Don’t Fence Me In” and “You’ve Gotta Have Heart”.

But we’ve got a better idea. I’d like to reintroduce a dance song that was the rage a long time ago and is almost forgotten now. It was written by Mr. Tommy Malone and Moe Silverfarb. Both of them gone now – God bless them. And it’s from a show called “The Gypsy Priest”, which opened in the Wintergarden Theater in the Spring of 1927, and it sent all Amercia dancing. So tonight, folks, fifty years later, I’d like to show it to you.

[ cut to graphic of exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: And now, live from Studio 8H, high atop Manhatten’s famed Rockefeller Plaza, NBC proudly presents the dance craze you’ve all been waiting for – “The Castration Walk”!

[ dissolve to John Belushi, Elliot Gould and Bill Murray in tuxedo coat and tails ]

Together:
“Put your hand on your crotch
and your other one, too.
Then you give a little squeeze
and they both turn blue.
And it hurts so much you can barely talk.”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk!

Together:
“Then you hop on your foot
and you roll on the floor.
And you knock things over
and you bang on the door.
And you scream, ‘Ow! Ow!’
And you shout, ‘Awk! Awk!'”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk!

Together:
“Then your voice goes up
and you sound like this.
And you don’t want to hug
and you don’t want to kiss.
And you throw a little fit
and you start to squawk.”

Elliot Gould: Now you’re doing the Castration Walk

[ John, Elliot and Bill do the Castration Dance ]

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
It’s a brand new sensation.”

Bill Murray:
Well, I went to the Rabbi
and he sent me to the moil.
But the moil was clumsy
and he made me a goil!

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
It will soon sweep the nation.”

John Belushi:
I was sliding down the banister
and didn’t see the ouch.
Now I feel like a kangaroo
who lost his pouch.

Together:
“Now you’re doing the Castration
it’s no cause for a nation.”

Elliot Gould: Officer, I’d like to report a jewel heist!

Together: “Now you’re doing the Castration Waaaaaaaallllkkk!”

SNL Transcripts