Category: 1976

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Natural Causes Restaurant

Elaine Melcher…..Gilda Radner
Shelly Melcher…..Elliot Gould
Jason…..Dan Aykroyd
Sunset…..Laraine Newman

[ open on interior, Natural Causes Restaurant, as Shelly and Elaine Melcher walk up and enter the empty restaurant ]

Elaine Melcher: Shelly, this is it. Oh, isn’t it lovely?

Shelly Melcher: It doesn’t look very busy.

Elaine Melcher: Well… I know, I know, but maybe people — it’s not closed, is it?

Shelly Melcher: Uh, I don’t know…

Elaine Melcher: Well, why don’t we sit here?

Shelly Melcher: Why don’t we sit down, yeah. [ they sit ] It doesn’t look like anyone’s here.

Elaine Melcher: Look! [ she holds up a pair of chopsticks ] Chopsticks! Chopsticks!

[ Jason and Sunset emerge from the kitchen ]

Jason: Welcome to the Natural Causes Restaurant! I’m Jason, and this is my old lady, Sunset. She’s really far out!

Sunset: Welcome to our space! It’s NO accident that you’ve stumbled upon our door.

Elaine Melcher: Hi! Uh — uh, we’re Shelly and Elaine Melcher. Uh, we read about the Natural Causes Restaurant in New West magazine. You know, that article, uh — “Beyond Vegetarianism”?

Jason: That was a far out article. It’s really brought us a lot of business. That was really a good thing…

Shelly Melcher: Is it okay that we sit here?

Sunset: Oh. What are your signs?

Elaine Melcher: Uh — Gemini and Pisces.

Jason: You’re at the right table, it’s perfect — perfect for your energy.

Sunset: Okay… [ points from Shelly to Elaine ] Gemini… Pisces.

Shelly Melcher: No, no, it’s the other way around.

Sunset: Oh! I KNEW it! Oh, wo-ow!

Jason: Far out!

Sunset: Like, here at the Natural Causes Restaurant, we are really, like, beyond vegetarianism. Like, we serve meat, but we don’t believe in killing it.

Jason: Dig it! Like, we feel that, like, slaughtered animals are full of fear, you know? And eating fear produces bad karma, you know? So, like, we serve animals that only died from natural causes! [ hands them a pair of menus ] Here are your menus.

Shelly Melcher: [ looking at the menu ] Well, this menu doesn’t describe what you have in the dishes. What’s, uh, the Kahutek Special?

Sunset: Oh, well, see — it changes all the time. Like, you never know what’s gonna die at any given moment.

Jason: Like, today, the Kahutek Special might be leg of lamb, because we have a sheep back in the kitcehn that’s dying of anthrax. [ to Sunset ] Do you wanna go see if it’s dead yet, Sunset?

Sunset: Sure.

[ they take a peek into the kitchen ]

Shelly Melcher: I don’t know if I can go through with this…

Elaine Melcher: Shelly!

[ Jason and Sunset return ]

Sunset: Ooh, bad news! Uh, the sheep’s still wheezing.

Elaine Melcher: [ reading her menu ] Um — well, uh — what’s this? What’s the Mare Baba?

Jason: Okay, the Mare Baba is, like, frogs legs on a bed of brown rice.

Elaine Melcher: Oh, Shelly! You LOVE frogs legs!

Shelly Melcher: [ considering it ] Where did you get them from?

Jason: I pick them up from Fairbanks High’s biology lab. You know? They’re just missing their mouth parts, you know?

Shelly Melcher: I think I’ll pass. What else do you have?

Jason: Well, how about seagull?

The Melchers: Seagull?!

Jason: Yeah, a seagull that was drowned in the Santa Barbara oil slick. Completely, you know…

Shelly Melcher: What’s the Easy Winner?

Jason: Uh… race horse struck by lightning. On stone-ground pita bread with hummis.

Sunset: Right, and prepared with love!

Jason: Really!

Sunset: Lots of love!

Elaine Melcher: Horse? Horse. Shelly, do you feel like horse?

Shelly Melcher: No, I don’t think I could eat a horse.

Elaine Melcher: Oh, Shelly… [ turns to Jason and Sunset ] You see, we’re a little new to this. Maybe you could recommend something?

Jason: Well, the fresh cat is very nice.

Shelly Melcher: Fresh cat?

Jason: Yeah. It was just run over an hour-and-a-half ago on Highway 1.

Shelly Melcher: [ aghast ] You mean, you use animals that were killed in traffic accidents?

Sunset: Hey! There are NO accidents!

Shelly Melcher: Well, Pasadena on the cat! Would you mind checking on that sheep again?

Sunset: Sure. [ she exits to the kitchen ]

Jason: Like, we garnish it with insects that I scrape off the windshield of my van. You know?

[ Sunset returns ]

Sunset: Ooh, wow, uh — bad news again. The sheep seems to have perked up.

Jason: Oh, wow… that’s a drag. [ a beat ] Well, what’ll it be? Frog, seagull, horse, or cat?

Shelly Melcher: [ holding up his menu ] Well, what is this, uh — Ohm Surprise?

Jason: Oh! The Ohm Surprise. Well, that’s just steak, man. You know…

Shelly Melcher: Steak? [ sarcastically ] What happened, did the cow have a heart attack?

Jason: No, man. What happened, was… one day, I was standing outside of the restaurant. Okay? And, like, this cow dropped out of the sky! You know? And, later, I found out it was this flying Mexican meat smuggler’s airplane, you know? He was being chased by the U.S. Border Patrol, he got caught on radar, and he had to jettison his cattle!

Shelly Melcher: [ incredulous ] Are you trying to tell me that you hve steak on the menu, because some flying Mexican meat smuggler, who was being chased by American feds, dropped the cow over your restaurant, accidentally?!

[ Jason shakes his head ]

Sunset: There are NO accidents!

Shelly Melcher: Hmm.

[ an airplane can suddenly be heard buzzing overhead, as a crash sounds, and a cow drops through the ceiling and hits the floor ]

Jason: So, man, how would you like your steak: rare, medium, or well-done?

[ pull back on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Teenage Retirement Villages Fro Dropouts” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Nick “Summers”

Nick “Summers”…..Bill Murray
Pianist…..Paul Shaffer
Jane the Waitress…..Anne Beatts
Gunner Alquist…..John Belushi
Mrs. Alquist…..Gilda Radner
Skeeter Miller…..Elliott Gould
Mrs. Campbell…..Laraine Newman
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd
Shelley…..Howard Shore

(FADE IN on a rack of antlers and a neon “BUD” sign on the back wall of a dimly lit bar.)

Nick “Summers”: [ singing ] “I write the SONGS that make the whooole world siiiiiiing…”

(ZOOM OUT to reveal Nick singing onstage with Paul Shaffer accompanying on piano, and several patrons seated at tables.)

Nick “Summers”: [ singing ]
“I write the notes and the words and ev-e-ry-thi-iiiii-iiiiing…
I write the songs that make the young girls CRY-YYYYYYYYY…
I write the songs, I write the sooo-ooongs…
I AM MUSIC! And I write the SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONGS!”

(A bare trickle of applause greets his performance.)

Nick “Summers”: Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello, welcome to the Zephyr Room, up at the beautiful Breezy Point Lodge at Lake Minnehonka.

[laughter]

Nick “Summers”: My name is Nick Summers. Thank you. And I’m gonna TRY to entertain you for a little while, I wanna thank you once again. I want you to know that a Minnehonka summer is a fun summer. That’s what you’re here for, that’s what I’m here for, and I’m KIND of a fun guy… so let’s relax, and HAVE a little bit of fun. Say, did anybody hear a loon about 6:15, huh? [touches his ear] I did. You gotta keep your ears open.

[ Paul tinkles the keys of his piano ]

Nick “Summers”: Yes, that’s what they sound like, Paul. [laughs] And if you want the kids to see some deer, get up about 6:30, and stand over by the volleyball courts, and they’ll come out, believe me.

(A waitress steps in front of Nick and holds up a tray of drinks.)

Nick “Summers”: [taking drink] Oh, for me, I bet. Thanks, Jane.

(She whispers briefly in his ear and steps aside.)

Nick “Summers”: Thank you. Jane’s just told me we’ve got an anniversary at the Breezy Point tonight, right down in front.

(CUT to a morose-looking couple at a table with a checkered tablecloth.)

Nick “Summers”: Hello, and you are Mr. and Mrs…?

Gunner Alquist: Uh, Gunnar Alquist, from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.

Nick “Summers”: Oh, welcome aboard, and, uh, Mrs. Alquist, do you still love him just as much as you ever did?

(He sticks the mike in her face as she slumps over the table.)

Mrs. Alquist: [in a monotone] Yes, I do.

Nick “Summers”: If you had it all to do over again, would you do it?

Mrs. Alquist: No.

[laughter]

Nick “Summers”: Is there a song that I can sing for you two?

Mrs. Alquist: NO!

Nick “Summers”: [stands back up] Well, I’d just like to say this… [ singing ] “Happy ANNIVERSARYYYYYYY, Mr. and Mrs. Gunnar Alquiiiiiiiiist… Happy ANNIVERSARYYYYYYY… tooo-o-oooo… yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu.”

(One or two people clap.)

Nick “Summers”: Thank you. I want to take this opportunity to introduce a celebrity in the audience, sitting way back there in the dark… [scans the room] I ALMOST CAN’T see you, Skeeter! Don’t you want anybody to know that you’re HERE?! The man who put the Breezy Point Lodge on the map, Lake Minnehonka’s own water-ski instructor, SKEETER MILLER! C’mon, let’s hear it!

(CUT to Skeeter clasping his hands above his head and waving.)

Nick “Summers”: He also does a heckuva job with the water show on Saturday afternoons. [steps to table] And who is this pretty young miss, Skeeter? What’s your name, Miss?

Nrs. Campbell: [snaps] Uh, that’s MRS.

Nick “Summers”: Mrs……?

Nrs. Campbell: Mrs. Campbell.

Nick “Summers”: Mrs. Campbell — oh, of course, your husband broke his ankle, he’s gonna be laid up this week. Sorry about that. But I’m awfully glad that YOU two could come, thank you for that–and be sure, everybody, to check out Skeeter’s show, or ask him to help you get up on the boards yourself, ’cause he’s a terrific–

(Nick is suddenly interrupted by Paul playing the bugle theme from the Kentucky Derby.)

Nick “Summers”: UH-OHHHHHHHHH! That’s the Catch of the Day Fanfare, which can mean only one thing, time for a special event: the CATCH of the DAY!!!

(Paul plays another fanfare as a fisherman steps stiffly onstage with a fish in his hand.)

Nick “Summers”: Here it is, the biggest fish pulled out of Lake Minnehonka today, caught by our own fishing and snowmobile guide, Jimmy Joe Red Sky.

(Jimmy drapes the fish proudly over his arm.)

Nick “Summers”: He is the best guide in the parts, no question about that–he’s got a BEAUTIFUL Chris Craft with twin Mercs. And he packs a lunch, right, Jimmy Joe?

(A man at the bar carefully touches the fish’s head.)

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: [in Native American accent] Better not touch that fish there, it’ll take yer hand right off, lookit those teeth!

(Nick chuckles.)

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: You want one of these, ya come to the dock tomorrow with TEN BUCKS at four-thirty in the morning. I’ll get ya a couple.

(He walks smoothly offstage.)

Nick “Summers”: Okay, when he says that, he means it. I’ll tell you something, he’s an Indian, and they don’t lie. I love that. Thank you, Jimmy Joe.

[laughter]

Nick “Summers”: Well, we’ve reached the audience participation part of the program. Every night at nine-thirty, we dance the Snowball, where everybody joins in. So play that song, Paul… and let the Snowball… begin.

(Paul hits a piano flourish and starts in.)

Nick “Summers”: “I’ll beginnnnn…”

(No one rises to dance.)

Nick “Summers”: The first couple on the floor will also get their picture on the cover of next week’s Breezy Point Lodge Bulletin, so ladies and gentlemen, it’s dancing time.

(CUT to the patrons sitting passively in their chair.)

Nick “Summers”: [surveying audience] Time to get UP… and DANCE.

(Nobody moves an inch.)

Nick “Summers”: Wait a minute, Paul, for a second… you know, we never do this in the Snowball Dance, but just for the heck of it, tonight let’s make this a Ladies’ Choice! Let’s dance.

(Paul plays dutifully, but no one gets up.)

Nick “Summers”: Well, I can’t believe this. This has never happened before, has it, Paul? [sticks mike in Paul’s face]

Paul Shaffer: [softly] No.

Nick “Summers”: Never has. [glances to side] Shelley? That’s surprising, isn’t it? Well, I think everyone’s probably a little bit too tired to dance tonight, anyway. So let’s all call it a night, and get up early, and let’s HOPE that those raindrops STOP falling on my head.

(Paul tickles the ivories a few seconds.)

Nick “Summers”: And look who’s clowning, do you believe this? Paul! He drives over from Ely, you know, and if you think the mosquitoes are bad here, you should see them over in Ely. The mosquitoes have license plates. And I mean that. Seriously. The deer flies have antlers! Now, get outta here! But this rain isn’t gonna hold too much longer, I’m sure of that. Well, good night, everybody, and this is Nick Summers saying, a Minnehonka summer is a fun summer, that’s what you’re here for, that’s what I’m here for. I AM a fun guy, and I hope that you had fun tonight. Say, and one more thing, I want you just to remember…

[piano cue]

Nick “Summers”: [ singing ]
“To siiiiiiiinnng…” [snaps fingers]
That’s right–“sing a sooooooooonnnnng,
Sing it LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUD,
Sing it sharp–“

[speaking] Remember to put on some six-twelve when you go out!

[singing] “To sing it happyyyyy, not SAD–“

[speaking] You know, we got bears over at the garbage dump–just flash your headlights!

[singing] “Sing of the GOOD TIMES, and not the BAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAD… “WELL, NO MATTER IF IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH–“

[speaking] This is my SEVENTH SUMMER UP HERE!!

[singing] “For anyone else to hearrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
Just siiiiiiiiiiinnnng…
SIIIIING A SOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!
PLEASE won’t you SING ME a SONG!”

(The bar patrons finally break into decent applause.)

Nick “Summers”: [bowing] Thank you. Good night.

[ZOOM OUT and PAN high above the set as the studio audience also cheers. ZOOM IN on a frizzy-haired young man in a white turtleneck sweater. SUPERIMPOSE, “GREGARIOUS LONER.” After a few seconds, he notices himself on the monitor, points, and laughs. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 19

76s: Elliot Gould / The McGarrigle Sisters, Roslyn Kind

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
…..Laraine Newman
Debbie Doody…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Jane Curtin.

Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight: [ she turns to the side, then quickly returns to face the camera and smiles ] Just kidding! [ she laughs ]Funeral services were held this week for 82-year old chewing gum magnate, Philip K. Wrigley. In keeping with his last request, Wrigley’s remains will be stuck to the bottom of a luncheonette counter.Former President Gerald R. Ford lectured this week at his alma mater, the University of Michigan. A former football captain, he went out to Spring training to give the boys some pointers. Ford is shown here throwing a football into his hat.[ Jane chuckles ] He doesn’t even wear a hat!Well, the President’s mother, Miss Lillian Carter, was thrown into a Washington jail today. The charge: spanking the President of the United States. The 78-year old matriarch, citing the retraction of a $50 federal income tax rebate, said, “I always spank Jimmy when he breaks a promise!” [ Jane laughs ]Jane Curtin: Well, the drive against pornography districts in major cities continued to gain momentum this week, as more demonstrations were held in New York. Bill Murray was on the scene at one of them in Manhatten, and has an eyewitness report. Bill?

[ Bill becomes more and more aroused as he reads his report ]

Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. The Citizens’ Committee to clean up New York’s porn-infested areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge, throbbing, pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether region surrounding the glistening, sweaty intersection of Eighth Avenue and Forty-Second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighborhood, the excited throng, now grown to five times its original size, rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty darkness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion. Now, suddenly, the tumescent crowd and the irresistable area were one heaving, alternately melting and thawing turgid entity, ascending to heights heretofore unexperienced. Then, with a gigantic, soul-searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over. Afterwards, the crowd had a cigarette and went home. Jane?

Jane Curtin: [ eyes Bill suspiciously ] Thank you, Bill. That was a very stimulating story.

Bill Murray: [ uncomfortably ] I’ll say!

Jane Curtin: The story’s over. You can leave now.

Bill Murray: Uh… no, I can’t. [ Jane grimaces ] It would be very embarrassing.

Jane Curtin: [ laughs nervously ] I see. Well, then… why don’t you relax, and, uh, have some stories. [ she passes news sheets toward him ]

Bill Murray: Thanks very much.

Mrs. Margaret Trudeau was spotted at an Ottawa dry cleaners today. The wife of Canadian Prime Minister Elliot Trudeau would give no explanatino for the trip, and refused to comment on why her husband had no accompanied her. When reporters contacted the Prime Minister and informed him of his wife’s trip to a dry cleaners, he said he had had no idea she’d even planned a trip to any dry cleaners, and it was the first he’d heard about it.

Jane Curtin: [ photo: Gov. Ella Grasso holding a Raggedy Ann doll ]
Connecticut Governor Ella Grasso met this week with actress Shirley MacLaine to discuss the Equal Rights Amendment. Governor Grasso thanked Miss MacLaine for her committment and dedication, then took her home and threw her on a bed.

Well, at long last, medical science has come up with a device that completely eliminates the risk of cancer by smoking. It’s a surprisingly simple method, in which a white mouse is used as a filter, which traps all the cancer-causing agents before they are inhaled by the smoker.

Bill?

Bill Murray: [ holds up a mouse smoking a cigarette ] Yes, Jane, I have one right here. And if you like to smoke and hold small animals, I think you’ll enjoy this!

Jane Curtin: [ chuckles ] Well, unfortunately, I don’t have a light, so… let’s just…

Bill Murray: I think I know the answer to that one!

[ they both chuckle ]

Bill Murray: A medical milestone, this week, when a team of doctors in Thailand successfully joined a pair of Siamese twins, which was born separated. Having gotten this operation out of the way, the doctors’ next task will be to join two Siamese cats, so the twins can have a pet.

Jane Curtin: Tragedy struck the world of show business this week, when TV personality Howdy doody committed suicide in his Beverly Hills home. Close friend Buffalo bob, who was visiting, said the 33-year old Doody suddenly leaped from the couch and threw himself into the fireplace. Howdy left a suicide note, which read simply, “Hey, kids, what time is it? It’s time for me to die.”

Today, Laraine Newman was there at the funeral. Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m standing outside Forest Lawn Cemetary, where funeral services have just been held for Howdy Doody. It was a solemn and star-stuffed occasion, with the former puppet’s close friends and relatives in attendance. Pallbearers included Charlie McCarthy, Mortimer Snerd, Jerry ??, uh, Knucklehead Smith, David eisenhower, and Senor Wences’ fist. Few people knew that Doody had a wife — Debbie Doody. [ looks offscreen ] I see she’s approaching me right now. Howdy, Debbie!

[ Debbie Doddy, clinging to strongs, bounces forward, laughing ]

Laraine Newman: Oh, I’m so sorry. I know this is a time of grief for you, Debbie, but… what’s in the future for Debbie Doody?

Debbie Doody: I don’t know!

Laraine Newman: Well, thank you for spending this time with us —

[ Debbie wraps her arm around Laraine as she bounces around ]

Laraine Newman: — in your moment of… GRIEF! [ she laughs ]

Debbie Doody: Thank you! Thank you!

Laraine Newman: Back to you, Jane!

[ Debbie continues to wrap herself around Laraine and spin the both of them around as she bounces amid her strings ]

[ return to Jane at the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: Howdy Doody, dead at 33.

[ SUPER: “Howdy Doody: 1944-1977” ]

Jane Curtin: And now, here’s “Weekend Update”‘s meteorologist, John Belushi, with a word about the weather.

John Belushi: Thank you, Jane. Tonight, I’d like to address myself to those of you who cannot, or are too paranoid to, go outside. The so-called shut-ins. People who really don’t know what weather is about. There’s really nothing to be afraid of. Here’s some examples of weather. Okay? Sunny. [ he flips a desk lamp on ] Warm. There’s sun. See? It’s nice, you get a tan from it there, you know? Sun. Makes plants grow. Partly cloudy. [ he waves his hand in front of the bulb ] See? Sun. Foggy. [ he covers his entire hand over the bulb ] Whoa! You can see, but it’s cloudy. Cloudy and… and… cold! [ he wraps a scarf around his neck, then covers the bulb with his hands ] Ohhh, cold! Oh, I’m cold! See that? Sometimes we get electrical storms, and that’s like this: [ he flips the lamp on and off, while making electrical sound effects ] Sometimes you get, uh, showers. [ he reaches below the desk ] Showers are like this: [ he sprays a bottle of water onto his face ] See? Or, sometimes, you have to wear a hat, you know, with showers. [ he puts a rain hat on his head, then sprays his face some more ] Oh, boy! And, sometimes, it’s cloudy with showers: [ he covers the lamp with one hand while spraying his face with the water bottle in the other hand ] And, sometimes, you know, you have to have wind: [ he turns on a fan behind him ] There’s wind! Wind and showers! [ he continues to spray water on his face ] You see? And, also, you can get — you can get hail! [ he picks up a box of mothballs and tosses them into the air ] Hail is something very strange, like this. See? Hail is like this! Sometimes you can get really hurt, it’s like: [ he slams a mothball onto the desk ] BAM!! See, sometimes you get hail, snow, wind, and then SNOW, also! [ he reaches below the desk to toss powder into the air ] This is snow, and this is hail, and this… is… rain!! [ he demonstrates all the elements in rapid-fire succession ] Okay?! And then, you get THUNDER!! [ he flips the lamp again and makes the lightning sound effects, as he maintains all the elements simultaneously ] Yeah, that’s SLEET!! You know?!

And you know something? Let me tell you something! And when you’ve got all this stuff happening — [ he smacks the fan out of view ] GET OUT OF HERE!!! When you get all this stuff happening here, you know, if you’re in an airplane? Forget it, pal! You’re as good as dead, because you don’t have a chance! ‘Cause they don’t give you parachutes! They give you an oxygen mask! But no parachutes! So, listen, I don’t blame you for not going outside! But that’s not gonna help you, either, pal, ’cause what about tornadoes? Huh? Huh?! And it doesn’t matter WHAT corner of the basement you’re in — you’re as good as dead! And a dam bust?! A dam breaks, okay? [ he takes the sprayer off the bottle and pours the water on himself ] DURING a tornado, and a plane crashes into your house! Right?! And don’t expect your insurance man to be on the spot! No, he’s no idiot! He’ll wait! He’ll make sure you’re dead, so he can keep the money! [ starts pounding the desk ] Because insurance companies own EVERYTHING in this country!! And if you don’t like it here, pal — if you don’t like the weather in this country — why don’t you go to India, huh? Go to India, where they’ve got monsoons that’ll wash your crosp away! And you’ll probably drown! And, even if you DO survive, the only thing you can eat are COWS!! BUT!! Yuo can’t eat the cows, because Nooooo!! They won’t eat the cows! NOOOOOO!!! Uh-uh!! They won’t eat ’em! They’d rather STARVE than eat a cow!! The only thing they eat is MUD and CURRY!! And I HATE curry!! I HATE curry!! I’d rather eat MUD than curry!! [ starts pounding the desk again ] I like COW FLESH and MEAT!! You know what I like? I like prime rib! I like sirloin steak! I like AMERICAN food!!

[ Jane tries to calm John down ]

[ raising his fist ] DON’T PUSH ME, Curtin! I mean it!! [ he continues ] I like American food! yuo know, one thing I’ll never understand is why the Japanese eat raw fish! I mean, didn’t they invent the habachi?! But, NOOOOOO!!! They don’t want to do that! NOOOOOO!! Not them!! They want to eat it RAW!! They want to eat it raw, with that gooey, transparent noodle! You know! Spaghetti noodles, I can eat, as long as it’s not overcooked!

Jane Curtin: Wrap it up, John!

John Belushi: DON’T! [ he raises his fist ] I swear to God, Curtin!! [ he continues ] You know — you know what else I hate?! Mexican chili! Like, real Mexican chili! You know, man? Because it’s GREEN, you know? It’s green, and it’s real hot! It’s not like the chili I had in the cafeteria at school, which was RED CHILI, with meat and with beans!! And there was NO WAY I was gonna pay for it or eat it!! I told the waitress: “I’m not paying for this!! This is not the chili I know!! Where are the chili beans, huh?! WHERE’S THE MEAT?!! WHERE IS IT?!! Forget it, I’m not gonna pay –!!”

[ Belushi violently flips his chair backwards, getting himself wedged between the news desk and the back wall of the set before pushing himself more violently and finally knocking himself to the floor with a primal scream ]

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 23rd, 1977

Eric Idle

Alan Price

Neil Innes

Jeanette Charles

None

Neil Levy

Anne Beatts

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Mitchell Laurance

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zweibel

Michael O’Donoghue

Jim Downey
Irish InterrogationSummary: A British soldier (Eric Idle) decides there’s only one way to make an Irishman (Bill Murray) talk.

Transcript

Montage

Eric Idle’s MonologueSummary: Eric Idle and Queen Elizabeth II (Jeanette Charles) host a telethon to Save Britain.

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II.

Transcript

American Dope Growers UnionSummary: Homegrown marijuana is here to stay.

Transcript

The Nixon InterviewsSummary: David Frost’s (Eric Idle) lengthy interview session with Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) proves to be a tiresome effort.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, Pat Nixon, Julie Nixon.

Transcript

Alan Price performs “Poor People”

Body LanguageSummary: Eric Idle narrates a Gary Weis film that gives a primer on the subject.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Bill Murray delivers an editorial on spanking and recalls some bad memories. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) sings “I Will Swallow Him” for Tom Snyder.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

OxxonSummary: Oxxon keeps oil prices high by filming costly commercials like this one.

Transcript

Heavy Wit ChampionshipSummary: Boxers Ray Grimwade (Eric Idle) and Mohammed Stallion (John Belushi) seek laughs from the audience.

Ron Nasty performs “Cheese & Onions”Notes: Ron Nasty is Rutles member, Neil Innes.

The Battle of BritainSummary: A low-budget British war film.

Neil Innes perform “Shangri-La”

Plain TalkSummary: Eric Idle and Dan Aykroyd seem to understand one another’s gibberish language.

Transcript

Trans Eastern FlightSummary: Flight attendant Sherry (Laraine Newman) acts cooperatively toward gun-toting passengers.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

Transcript

Alan Price performs “In Times Like These”

Save Great Britain TelethonSummary: To help raise more money, Bill Murray attempts to chug a full bottle of grape juice.

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

| Time Warner Cable |Cable TV Providers |Charter Cable

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Body Language

Man…..Bill Murray
Pretty Girl…..Laraine Newman
Bathroom Man…..Eric Idle
Uninsured Man…..Neil Innes
Insurance Salesman…..Garrett Morris
Passerby…..Bill Murray
Foreigner…..Neil Innes
Drunk Man…..Neil Innes
Hippie…..Eric Idle
Stumbling Man…..Gary Weis
Hooker…..Gilda Radner
Loonie Man…..Eric Idle
Dead Man…..Gary Weis

[ open film on a woman jogging, as a burly-looking man sits on a park bench off to the side and watches ]

Eric Idle V/O: Not many people realize that body language is as important to us as speech. Unconciously, we read what other people are saying by their body language.

[ pan across park to find Man slumping forward on a bench ]

For example, look at the way this man’s body says: “I am unhappy. I am miserable and tense, and lonely.” Now, let’s see what happens when a pretty girl comes along.

[ a pretty girl strolls along the walk, and stops to sit across from the slumping man ]

The girl’s body language says that she is not doing anything this evening, apart from watching television and maybe washing her hair.

[ she lights a cigarette and crosses her legs ]

[ cut to the man, still slumping forward in her direction ]

The man first signals that he is interested…

[ the man straightens his posture, then spreads his arms and legs wide apart ]

And, then, VERY interested.

[ the woman reacts by mimicking his posture and looking at her watch ]

The woman signals, that she, too, is interested… but has a dental appointment.

[ the man tries to casually light a cigarette, but fumbles with his cigarette box and spills his cigarettes onto the grounf ]

The man, however, becomes nervous and embarrassed.

[ the woman closes her legs, stands with her legs crosses, and shirls away from the scene ]

And, alas, the female feels rejected, and goes away miserable and unhappy ]

[ cut to a man standing in the middle of the road with his knees locked together ]

This man wants to visit the bathroom. You see how his body tells us this?

[ cut to an Uninsured Man standing in the middle of the street darting out of the way of incoming traffic ]

This man wishes that he were better insured. See what a simple prey he is for a clever insurance salesman who can read body language.

[ an Insurance Salesman runs forward with a contract ]

A quick piece of business… and the deal is done! He can now cross the road with complete peace of mind.

[ the Uninsured Man walks off-camera into the street, as the Insurance Salesman watches. Tires screech, and the Insurance Salesman stares into the camera with a worried expression upon his face. ]

[ cut to Passerby at a pay phone, as a Foreignor taps him on the shoulder ]

This man is a foreignor.

[ the Foreignor makes unusual body gestures ]

See how his body language is different. He is asking the way to a restaurant, but the passerby does not understand him…

[ the Passerby pulls out a gun, points it at the foreignor’s head, and shoots ]

…and shoots him. What a pity.

[ cut to a man stumbling along the side of a building ]

Here are some more common examples of body language: “I am drunk.”

[ cut to Hippie squatted behind a bush as he falls over ]

“I am stoned.”

[ cut to a man tripping on the sidewalk ]

“I am a klutz.”

[ cut to man with his hands covering his face ]

“I have terrible acne.”

[ cut to Hooker leaning against lamppost ]

“I am available for sophisticated sexual activity at a reasonable rate, to be determined by mutual free-exchange open bargaining.”

[ cut to man peering out from behind a tree as he beats his own head ]

“I am a loonie.”

[ cut to man lying on sidewalk ]

“I am dead.”

[ cut to the group of people assuming different poses and movements in the park ]

Body language. Maybe if we could all read it, the world would be a better place.

[ dissolve to title card: “An Idle-Weis Production” ]

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Has Already Set Clock Ahead” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

American Dope Growers Union

Dope Grower…..Laraine Newman

Dope Grower: Every time you buy pot from Mexico, or Colombia… you’re putting an American out of work. We here at the American Dope Growers Union support ourselves by growing marijuana in American soil. We’ve had a pretty hard time on our own. But with the union, we can lead decent lives and stay off welfare. That’s MY union, and that’s what our union label stands for.

[ she holds up her union label, which is affixed to the outside of a plastic bag of marijuana, then begins to sing: ]

Dope Grower: “Soooo look for, the Union label…”

[ a group of other dope growers slowly surround her and join in the chorus ]

Group:
“when you are buying your joint, lid, or pound
Remember somewhere, our Union’s growing
you’ll be smoking, at the best price around
You know we work hard, but who’s complaining
?????
So always look for, the Union label, it says we deal for the U.S. of A.”

[ logo appears on screen ]

Announcer: This message brought to you by the Americn Dope Growers Union.

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Has Name Tapes On All Clothing” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Goodnights

…..Eric Idle
…..John Belushi

[ return from commercial to find Eric Idle standing in front of the bank of telephones, which are now ringing wildly and being answered by the cast ]

Eric Idle: Well! Uh, whilst you’ve been away, things have certainly perked up a bit here, and the total now is $35 million! Uh, plus John Belushi’s vest.

[ the board reads: “350000000 AND A VEST” ]

Eric Idle: Uh, this is, in fact, thanks to the late sale — Exxon stepped in, and, in fact, bought the Queen. Uh, we haven’t — we haven’t clinched the deal, so if anybody, any corporations are watching in IT&T, who would like to have a queen, uh, she’s, uh — a lot of experience, a monarchy that stretches back many years — here’s the number.

[ Bill Murray calls out to Idle, who steps closer before returning to the camera ]

Eric Idle: Just a reminder to all of you — uh, please put your clocks back this evening at two o’clock. Uh, we’ll be losing an — no, we’ll be getting — we’ll be, uh — we’ll be — alright, put your clocks forward at two o’clock, uh if you — uh, no, no — uh, put your clocks back… If you put your clocks forward at two o’clock, you lose an –?Anyway, just put your clocks under your bed and forget about it. Why is it always Saturday night? Why do you always lose an hour on Saturday night? Why can’t be bloody monday morning, when you’re not doing anything? Why couldn’t it be 10-11 you lose an hour? Nooo!! It has to be Saturday night, when you’re probably chatting somebody up, you know? You could probably do quite well between two and three — she says, “Darling, that was wonderful!” and you say, “Oh, yes.” She says, “What’s the time?” And you say, “Blimey, what’s the time? It’s five minutes past three.” She says, “Oh, that was the BEST it’s ever been for me!”

[ the cast jumps forward and surrounds Idle ]

Eric Idle: What?

John Belushi: Good night.

Eric Idle: Oh! Good night!

[ the Queen exits the back stage to re-emerge at the front of the apron of the stage to join the cast in waving good night ]

Announcer: “Saturday Night” will return three weeks from tonight, when our host will be Shelley Duvall, with musical guest Joan Armatrading. Remember: tonight, set your clocks forward one hour. Or, don’t bother — just count slowly to three-thousand, six-hundred, and start your day from there. This is don Pardo saying good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Eric Idle’s Monologue

…..Eric Idle
Queen Elizabeth…..Jeanette Charles
Man in Audience…..Neil Levy
Constable Ronald Quinn…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eric Idle!

[ Eric Idle comes down the red-carpeted basement steps, then drops to his hands and knees to roll the carpet in a zig-zag fashion toward the home Base stage ]

Eric Idle: Ladies and gentlemen — please give a very big, warm welcome, please, to the Queen of England!

[ Idle runs back toward the foot of the basement steps, as the Queen of England steps down properly. He leads her toward Home Base, then jumps into the audience to shove a man out of his chair then raise it up to the stage for the Queen to sit upon. ]

Eric Idle: Your Majesty… Ladies and gentlemen — once in a lifetime — well, maybe twice, if you’re very lucky. Once, or twice — well, even possibly three times in a lifetime. But THREE times would be just so amazing, you know? You’d think: “WOW! THREE times in a lifetime!” You know, and FOUR would be right out of the question. Never, ever! I mean, you couldn’t rule it out statistically, of course, but, uh — you couldn’t say “NEVER four times in a lifetime”, because, obviously, statistically, four times in a lifetime is a distinct possibility. But anything above, say, four… or five times in a — start again! TWENTY TIMES in a lifetime, or so…

You are privy enough to be fortunate to be present in something so splendid, so majestic, so worthwhile… you’ll feel REALLY proud. And tonight… isn’t one of those occasions. But we are pretty thrilled to welcome TO “Saturday Night”… her majesty, The Queen. This is the first time a REAL queen has been on the show — with the exception of some of the musicians.

You know, there’s one thing we English have always loved, above all of you Americans, and that is… your money. We have a thousand-year history… you have the money. We have the literature, the poetry, the traditions… you have the money. We have the buildings, the paintings, the gardens, the palaces… you have the money. And that’s why we are here tonigt. We are going to hold a telethon for England. If you wish to plesdge money for England, an ancient charity, here is the number to ring: 555-1066.

[ SUPER: “Save Great Britain, 555-1066” ]

Eric Idle: Incidentally, the English language was, in fact, invented in England. These very worlds I’m saying to you now: “These very words I’m saying to you now” — these are all examples of words WE made up… in England… for you. Of course, a lot of them were made up by people who are dead now… but they’re still GOOD words, and you’ve been using them for a VERY long time, and… without paying any royalties. So we need your money — please call up 555-1066.

One or two apologies: the Beatles couldn’t be here. Uh, but we DO have one of the Rutles, and Clive Davis has pledged $20 if we mention his name. Thank you, Clive, we’ll take that. Could we see that?

[ Idle turns to look at the “Save Great Britain” pledge board on the back wall, as the numbers begin to spin ]

Eric Idle: There we go!

[ the spinning numbers stop on 000000020 ]

Eric Idle: Well… there’s the first bit of money that starts the ball rolling! We shall have several fundraising bits later on. At about 11:15, there will be a Smell-alike competition, where we shall introduce people who smell remarkably like other famous people, like Barbra Stresiadn, Johnny Carson, and so. If you feel that you or your friends smell like anyone famous — uh, say, like Truman Capote or Nelson Rockefeller — here’s the number to ring into: 555-1066.

And, throughout the evening, there is a Kick a Canadian competition, where volunteers from Canada in national dress, have agreed to be kicked for charity. And I’m going to ask her Majesty right now if she will formaly open this event. Could we have the Canadian, please?

[ a constable enters the stage and walks forward ]

Eric Idle: This is Constable Ronald Quinn from Toronto.

[ Quinn salutes, as Idle motions for the queen to rise ]

[ The Queen shakes Quinn’s hand, curtsies, then stands before Quin and kicks him in the groin ]

[ The Queen returns to her seat, as Quinn salutes and slowly collapses from the pain ]

Eric Idle: Members of the audience who wish to kick the Canadian for a dollar for England, please come forward during the rest. Also, keep those pledges coming in, and we will be right back after this message!

[ Idle proceeds to kick Quinn across Home Base, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

The Nixon Interviews

David Frost…..Eric Idle
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
Julie Nixon…..Gilda Radner
Pat Nixon…..Jane Curtin

[ open on talk show set, as David Frost rushes onto the stage ]

David Frost: Hello! Hello, good evening, and welcome — a joyous welcome! Thank you, super, bless you, wonderful, terrific, greatmarvelous, splendid, mmm-hmm, you’re welcome, have a nice day, thank you, god evening, and welcome! Tonight is indeed a tremendous and most unusual occasion for American television: I’M back on it! And that in itself is most welcome! — hello, good evening, thank you, call again, super to see you, mmm-hmm, you’re welcome, have a nice day, good evening! Tonight, my guest is a former President of your country, now completely pardoned by his former Vice-President for any crimes he might have committed while in office. I shal be talking to him tonight for twenty hours — completely uncensored, except for the bits we’ll cut out! Super. So let’s get right on with tonight’s guest — a man who went from a little dog called Checkers… to a little check called Plumbers! [ laughs dementedly ] Terrific. Will you welcome, please, former President — Mr. Richard Milhous Nixon!

[ Nixon appears at the top of the set, smiling and waving as he makes he makes his way down towards Frost and sits ]

David Frost: Super, good evening, super, most welcome, wonderful!

Richard Nixon: Good evening, David.

David Frost: Super. So glad you could make it, President — ex-President.

Richard Nixon: Well, it’s really nice to be here, Johnny.

David Frost: Super, terrific. May I, uh — may I perhaps begin these twenty hours of talks between you and me, first, by asking about your childhood. Do you have any, um, particularly strong childhood memories?

Richard Nixon: Well… [ he chuckles ] Of course, I — I do have some childhood memories that come back to me now and again. I remember, uh, one particular morning in April of 1921. I — I remember coming down to the kitchen, where my mother was preparing the meal that we called “breakfast”. Now, she — she’d pour dry cereal into a bowl… and then we’d pour milk on top of the cereal, and — and sometimes sugar, depending upon whether we… wanted it sweet or not. And, uh — then we’d stir the whole thing around in the bowl with our spoo-oo-oons.

[ Frost is dumbfounded by this unremarkably ordinary childhood recollection ]

David Frost: Super. Most — most — most interesting. Let’s get on with the second question now, shall we? [ he flips the pages on his clipboard ] Uh —

Richard Nixon: I can — I can remember… very clearly… uh, my father coming down in the morning, and he used to shave — he’d shave his face. Uh — now, he would shave in the bathroom, uh — this was where we went to the bathroom, of course — and, uh, he’d — he’d run hot water and cold water in the sink. Now, he would shave with hot water, and you could always tell because there were two spigots, on either side of the faucet, and the right one, you turned it on, cold water would come out. And, uh, then you’d turn the left one, and hot water would come out. Uh — and I can remember him adjusting the left one to get more hot water, because you could use the two spigots… uh… to, uh, manipulate the temperature —

David Frost: Super. Now, uh, can I move onto, now, a, uh, second question, if I may, please —

Richard Nixon: Uh — and, now, the thing was, you could run your hand under the water to see just exactly how hot or cold it was. Now, I remember my father had a little round, rubber disc —

David Frost: [ to the viewing audience ] Well, while the ex-president is talking, and so on, let me just remind you there’ll be another nineteen hours of these talks — which will be really fascinating — in which the former president will be talking at great length —

Richard Nixon: Uh — now, this was a small disc —

David Frost: Yes.

Richard Nixon: He called it a “drain plug”, and it would go right in the little hole there, in the bottom of the sink.

David Frost: Super. Yes.

Richard Nixon: Uh — now, another thing I remember, uh —

David Frost: [ to the viewing audience ] Well, it seems there’s still plenty of time before the first commercial break —

Richard Nixon: Now, these were tiles that were —

[ suddenly, Julie Nixon runs onto the set ]

Julie Nixon: Stop the tape! Stop the tape!

David Frost: Oh! Julie! Will you welcome, please — a big ol’ welcome — Julie Nixon!

Julie Nixon: Um — could you — could you please, um — could you please stop the tape? Daddy’s coming off badly.

Richard Nixon: [ surprised to see his daughter ] Hello!

David Frost: No, it’s — it’s wonderful. It’s most interesting.

Julie Nixon: No! Just stop the tape — we have a contract!

David Frost: Okay. Fine, fine. Yes, alright, we’ll, we’ll — we’ll stop the tape. Davey? Will you stop the tape? [ he winks into the camera ] Stop the tape, please? [ he nods ] Y-yes! The tape’s stopped, yes!

Julie Nixon: Is it, for sure?

David Frost: Oh, yes!

Julie Nixon: A-and you won’t have this part in, where I came in, or anything?

David Frost: Oh, no problem! This will ALL be cut out! You have my WORD as a television entertainer, that THIS bit will NOT appear on the television screens of America.

Julie Nixon: Alright. Thank you.

David Frost: Not at all.

Julie Nixon: Thank you very much.

David Frost: You’re welcome, call again, thank you, mmm-hmm, have a nice day!

Julie Nixon: Okay, go on! [ she kisses Nixon goodbye ]

Richard Nixon: Okay, Princess!

David Frost: Well, uh — former President, whilst we — whilst we cut the tape — we’re not ontelevision or recording, or anything — just between you and me — you know, just for personal interest, as we have to tlak for twenty hours together — did you, in fact, uh, were you, in fact, behind Watergate?

Richard Nixon: Well… Johnny. To be… perfectly honest and frank with you — and I’m most grateful for the money — uh — just between you and me — man to man, as it were — yes, I can tell you that, as far as Watergate is concerned, I — I was completely —

[ a loud beep suddenly covers the audio track as Nixon reveals these details to Frost, who is at first astounded by the information he’s hearing, and then quickly overjoyed ]

[ SUPER: “Temporary Audio Problem” ]

[ the screen goes black, then pulls away to be revealed as a card being held by Frost offstage ]

David Frost: Uh — hello. Uh, unfortunately, there seems to have been some kind of, uh, mysterious intereference with the tape there. We seem to have got an eighteen-minute gap — [ he chuckles ] Super! So what we’re going to do right now is put on an excerpt from one of the later shows of the twenty hours of historic talks, and this one is really most exciting. So let’s just put that on for you right away! [ he chuckles nervously ] Super.

[ Frost holds up the “Temporary Audio Problem” card again, as the screen fades to black ]

[ fade up on clapboard: “Frost-Nixon Show #47, Take 1” ]

[ Frost is asleep, as Nixon continues to ramble ]

Richard Nixon: Eh — now… I can remember one morning of 1921, in particulqr, and because my mtoher would cook breakfast — now, this consisted of a bowl of cereal… and, uh, some sugar and milk, depending on whether we wanted the cereal moist or not…

[ Frost wakes up with a start, as Nixon continues to ramble ]

Richard Nixon: Well, you’re joining us in the eighteeneth hour of these exciting talks… between myself, David Frost, and the former Richard Milhous Nixon. So far, we’ve covered most of breakfast, April 1921… and we’ll be hoping to cover the REST of Mr. Nixon’s career in the next few minutes. Before we do, Pat here has got something to show.

[ camera pulls out to reveal Pat Nixon asleep in her chair ]

David Frost: Pat? Pat, wake up!

Pat Nixon: Stop it, Phoebe…

David Frost: Pat, it’s me, uh… me, David Frost.

Pat Nixon: Oh, yes! David! Well, I have something interesting to show you, which I think your viewers will like to see.

David Frost: Super! Super! What is it?

[ she pulls up a stuffed dog ]

Pat Nixon: Checkers!

David Frost: Checkers? Super. How wonderful.

Pat Nixon: Yes. When he passed on, Richard had him stuffed. And when Richard passes on, he’s asked me if I would have him, uh —

David Frost: Stuffed??

Pat Nixon: No. Buried next to Checkers.

David Frost: Ah! Super. Yes. And this is actually Checkers?

Pat Nixon: Yes, he’s a good dog.

[ Nixon stands up and approaches the camera ]

Richard Nixon: — a little dog named Checkers. Now, this is ALL we received from Texas! A little cocker spaniel. Now, our young one — Tricia — called it Checkers. The $18,000, I don’t think the senator should spend the money —

[ Frost rises and follows behind Nixon ]

Richard Nixon: Personally —

David Frost: Mr. Nixon?

[ Nixon turns to face Frost ]

Richard Nixon: Get down on your knees and PRAY, Henry!! [ he pulls Frost down to his knees, then kneels beside him ] You — you lead the prayer!!

David Frost: Me?! Uh — oh — oh, Mighty — looks, why don’t we just have a little break right here, Richard? We’ll talk about this, we can edit this —

Richard Nixon: Henry —

David Frost: Davey, this is an edit. Just do the wide, and we can come back with the credits, alright? We’ll edit this later.

[ Nixon crawls on his knees toward Pat, whistling for Checkers ]

David Frost: Uh, you’ve been watching #47 of the Frost-Nixon interview. We’ll be back next week with another hour-and-a-half, which we hope will be dealing with events after lunch, April 1921. Until then, it’s bye from us!

[ credits roll as Nixon and Frost roll about the stage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 20

76t: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

Oxxon

[ open on overhead footage of an elevated oil rig ]

[ art card: “Oxxon” ]

Announcer: This… is the biggest prop ever made for a commercial — and Oxxon paid for it. The rising cost of oil advertising is just one reason why your energy costs more. These shots are taken from a helicopter. Do you have any idea how much a helicopter like this costs to rent? And for every little film that you’re watching right now, there’s a hundred feet we didn’t use. That’s a lot of film, expensive film.

[ cut to employees working at a massive control board ]

Look at this set — very expensive. And we have to use ALL union actors, and an all union crew to shoot these things.

[ cut to the employees eating lunch in the cafeteria ]

And we’ve got to feed these people. Not just spaghetti, but meat. Just look at this guy eat!

[ cut back to the elevated oil rig ]

And don’t forget about me, the guy who narrates these things — I get paid, too. And once the commercial’s made, the cost just begins. We’ve got to pay up to $100,000 a minute just so you can see this. So, next time you complain about oil prices, turn on your TV and watch an expensive oil commercial like this one.

[ dissolve to art card: “Oxxon, Energy for a gullible America” ]

Jingle: “Energy for a gullible America”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts