Eric: (TO CAMERA) Ham sandwich bucket and water plastic durolects, rubber McFisheries underwear. Plug rapid emulsions seek custard without sustenance in Kipling duck geriatric scenery; maximizes press insulating devilment grunting sapphire clubs, incidentally.
But tonight, Sam, Pam, Bombay, Bermuda in diphtheria rusting McOutlinesplendor, rabid and fud-fud-phooey jog strabbedly big bowerly or rule liners, muss green gauges micturate, with nipples and tiptoe rusting machinery rustically inclined.
(TO DAN) Good evening and welcome.
Dan: Hi.
Eric: Foreskin view Mt. Everest tin tray lobotomy in England?
Eric: I see. Rapidly piddle pop strumming Hanover peace pudding mouse drum dringly corridor cabinets, presumably.
Dan: Sick in a cup. Door jamb whisper tap sunderland shower curtain ice wall paper cups grangingly rubber king, rab buttock kissing feathers — definitely pheasantry. Daughter successfully douche dinner bottom.
Eric: Machine kissed with butter?
Dan: Machine kissed with butter.
Eric: So nail attacking butterfly clouds reputedly without I might galvanize sugar. Elbow wrenchingly heartfelt with four slain perspicaciously rattled mandibles on asinine shoestrings draw two, lot three. But a machismo whenever cobble they’re in. Good night.
[A dungeon. A British SOLDIER is pacing across the room, trying to interrogate an Irish PRISONER who sits tied to a chair next to a table with two potatoes, an electrode machine and a French fry slicer.]
Soldier: Tell me what I want to hear!
Prisoner: You gets nothing from me, you English swill!
Soldier: [persuasive] Look, be reasonable, mate, just answer those three questions, I’ll give you a cigarette, I’ll give you some food, a big brimming bowl full of Lucky Charms, wouldn’t that be nice?
Prisoner: You’re wastin’ your time, slimey Lime!
Soldier: [slaps prisoner on the face] That’s “Limey slime,” you uneducated hick scum! Very well, I didn’t want to do this … but you leave me no choice. In direct violation of all civilized moral codes, I am now going to attach these electrodes … to your potatoes! [does so] And then turn the crank on this field generator! Now, you ignorant bog-hopper, start singing! [turns the crank]
Prisoner: [starts singing while feeling the torture of the potatoes as if they’re his nipples] When Irish eyes are smilin’, you’re – duh-aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHH God bless youuuuuuuuuu, and keep youuuuuuuu, Mother MacreeeEEEeee!
Soldier: I see this is getting us nowhere. You’ve forced my hand. Unless you tell me the answers to these three questions, I’m going to turn your potatoes … into French fries! [places a potato in the French fry slicer] You’ve got ten seconds! TEN, NINE, [head shot of prisoner] EIGHT, SEVEN, [close-up of the potato in the slicer] SIX, [head shot of prisoner as he shakes his head no] FIVE, FOUR, [head shot of soldier] THREE, [head shot of prisoner] TWO, ONE [close-up of the potato in the slicer] …
Prisoner: All right, all right! I’ll tell yeh. [sighs of relief]
Soldier: [walks up to prisoner] All right. One: is the bomb live or diffused? Two: what city was it mailed from? And three: when will it go off?
Prisoner: [still recovering from the shock] Live … from New York … it’s Saturday Night.
…..Eric Idle …..Bill Murray Queen Elizabeth…..Jeanette Charles
[ open on Queen Elizabeth knitting onstage, as Eric Idle takes a call. He looks up when he notices the camera ]
Eric Idle: Uh — well! Welcome back to the Great Britain telethon, where I’m afraid that the latest news is that Clive Davis gas asked fro his money back. So, let’s have a look at the total —
[ the board, which read “000000020”, flips its numbers to now read “000000000” ]
Eric Idle: Yes. Well, we have got a whole bank of twenty telephones here, open for the last final rush of donations. If you will rush to your phones right now. So, whilst you’re ringing in with your last-minute pledges, here’s Bill Murray. Bill, what are you gonna do for us?
Bill Murray: Uh — to raise money for England, I’m gonna chug this bottle of grape juice.
Eric Idle: Wonderful. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Murray will now chug-a-lug the entire contents of a quart bottle of grape juice!
Bill Murray: Can I have a drum roll, please? [ a drum roll accompanies Bill as he begins to chug the grape juice, then stops almost as quickly as he began ] I can’t finish it!
Eric Idle: Terrific. We’ll be right back.
[ Eric Idle shoves Bill off the stage, as we dissolve to the end bumper ]
Sherry…..Laraine Newman Male Passenger 1…..Eric Idle Female Passenger 1…..Jane Curtin Male Passenger 2…..John Belushi Male Passenger 3…..Garrett Morris Other Passengers…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Al Franken Captain…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on interior, Trans Eastern airplane during flight. Slow pan along the aisle to familiarize the audience with the passengers on board.]
[ the Stewardess, Sherry, steps out from behind the curtain and picks up the PA phone to address the passengers ]
Sherry: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard Trans Eastern’s Royal Luau jet service from Los Angeles to New York. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all for flying Trans Eastern today, and to wish you a pleasant flight. My name is Sherry Norwalk, and I’ll be your hostess here in First Class. Our captain is Mr. David Harbeson, and our first mate is Paul Maguire. Our two flight attendants will be Karen, and Pam Boucher. We’ll be flying at an altitude of 18,000 feet for the first part —
Male Passenger 1: This is awfully boring. Do you suppose we could do without the rest of your opening talk, please?
Sherry: Certainly, sir. [ she hangs up the PA phone ]
Male Passenger 1: Thank you. [ he returns to his seat ]
Sherry: But we must request that you put your hand luggage under your seat during take-off.
Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun again ] Would you mind, terribly, if I kept it in my lap?
Sherry: Oh, of course not!
Male Passenger 1: Thank you.
Female Passenger 1: [ to Male Passenger 1 ] Uh — uh, excuse me? [ he turns ] I couldn’t help but notice your gun.
Male Passenger 1: Oh, yes! It’s a Colt .38 police special, with a six-ounce trigger puller and mercury-one slugs.
Female Passenger 1: Really! [ whips out a gun of her own, as Sherry steps forward to distribute drinks ] I’ve got a .32 caliber Smith & Wesson revolver, and it’s, uh — excuse me. [ points her gun at Sherry ] Miss!! Oh, Miss! Would you mind terribly if I had an extra bag of macademia nuts to take to my neice in Garden City?
Sherry: Oh, certainly not, Ma’am. [ hands her the nuts ] Here you go. And here’s an extra set of headsets, compliments of Trans Eastern!
Male Passenger 2: Oh, Miss? [ stands with a rifle ] Excuse me, but, uh — is it okay if I smoke a joint in the can?
Sherry: Certainly!
Male Passenger 2: [ he pats a doberman pinchser ] I’m just gonna leave my doberman here in the aisle, okay?
Sherry: Oh, that’s quite alright. [ she pats the dog’s head ] I don’t see what harm it’ll do.
Male Passenger 2: Stay, boy! [ he walks off ]
Sherry: Uh, sir? Could I get you a magazine? We have, uh… U.S. News Weekly, and Forbes Business World…?
Male Passenger 3: Is — is that all that you have?
Sherry: Yes, I think that it is, sir.
Male Passenger 3: Say, uh — [ points a machine gun at her ] do you suppose that you could find me a copy of Hustler, or Players?
Sherry: [ laughs nervously ] I’ll go check!
Male Passenger 3: Thank you.
Female Passenger 1: [ points her gun at Sherry ] Oh, Miss! When the movie starts, do you think it would be possible to keep it in focus?
Sherry: Oh, no problem!
Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] And give us something othr than “Alex & The Gypsy” or “Harry & Walter Go To New York”!
Sherry: Oh, no trouble at all!
Male Passenger 1: Thank you.
Female Passenger 1: [ pointing her gun agin ] Oh! Oh! And one more thing — as a special favor, would you mind asking the pilot NOT to point out the Grand Canyon in the middle of the movie?
Sherry: Not at all, Ma’am!
[ she steps behind the curtain, then quickly re-emerges holding a pair of magazines ]
Sherry: [ to Male Passenger 3 ] Here are your magazines, sir!
Male Passenger 3: Thank you VERY much!
Male Passenger 2: [ returning from the bathroom with his rifle pointed ] Oh, uh, Miss? Do you mind if I have something else besides that plastic salisbury steak, uh, that I wouldn’t even feed my dog?
Sherry: Of course, sir!
Male Passenger 2: Ah, thank you very much.
[ as Sherry returns to the curtain, the Captain emerges ]
Captain: Hi, Sherry.
Sherry: Hi!
Captain: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, just remain calm! I’m prepared to take you WHEREVER you want to go — we have enough fuel to reach Algiers, Beirut, Tripoli —
Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] Take us to New York! On schedule!
Captain: [ he chuckles ] New York on schedule! I don’t know about that! We’ve, uh, we’ve never done that before! My, uh, flight plan called for a three-hour stack-up over Kennedy.
Male Passenger 1: Well, just this once, couldn’t we simply arrive on time?
Captain: Well, I’ll radio the air controller and do what I can, but I can’t promise anything! [ he laughs ]
Male Passenger 1: Thank you.
Captain: [ as he returns to the cockpit ] Hi, Sherry.
Sherry: Hi, Captain! [ puts a pillow behind Male Passenger 1’s head ] Here’s a little pillow to make you —
Female Passenger 1: [ pointing her gun ] Say! Aren’t you the stewardess who does the commercial for this airline?
Sherry: Yes, that’s me! [ she smiles ]
Male Passenger 1: [ pointing his gun ] Oh, I’d LOVE to hear it! It’s one of my favorites!
Sherry: Ohhh, right here, now? I couldn’t! It’s too embarrassing!
[ the passengers encourage her by pointing all their firearms at her ]
Sherry: Okay, I guess I could! Alright! I’m so nervous! [ she gulps ] Hi! I’m Sherry! Stick a gun in my mouth, and you can fly me anywhere! [ she holds up a gun ] And, at Trans Eastern, we give you your own gun!
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in one woman with SUPER: “Has Memorized Johnny Carson’s Wardrobe” ]
[Teletypes chatter in the background as we open on anchorperson Jane Curtin, seated at WU desk]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Before we get to the news, Id like to mention that the coveted Pulitzer Prizes were awarded this week, and the Pulitzer Prize in Broadcast Journalism was won by guess who? Our own Weekend Update. The award is for superior achievement, responsibility, and accuracy in reporting. Id like to thank the judges for this honor, and well try to live up to it. Thank you, thank you thank you.
Our top story tonight: Erin Fleming, manager and companion of veteran comedian Groucho Marx, was relieved of her duties yesterday by a California judge, pending a court hearing next month. Miss Fleming, in an effort to elude reporters and photographers, has adopted a disguise in hopes of maintaining her privacy. [doctored photo of Fleming with trademark Groucho eyebrows, glasses, moustache and cigar] She has also filed an application to legally change her name to Flemmo.
[photo of Walter Cronkite feeding a forkful of food to Congressman Bela Abzug] At a fundraising dinner in New York, former Congresswoman Bela Abzug threw up on Walter Cronkites fork as a protest as what she labeled the male-dominated TV news establishment.
Alex Haley, author of the bestselling Roots, has been accused of plagiarizing material from existing works by two other authors, Margaret Alexanders Jubilee, and Harold Courlanders The African. Haley claims its just a coincidence, and shrugging off the charges he went back to finishing his new novel, Moby Dick.
[picture of an iceberg] That giant iceberg which broke off Antarctica is moving northward towards South America. NASA released this picture, claiming it was a satellite photograph of the 45-by-25-mile iceberg, but our sources report it is actually an aerial shot of Idi Amins Wasserman test. More on this condition as it develops.
[photo of a man crossing his eyes, imitating a fish] Well, a Philadelphia man has filed a 2-million-dollar malpractice suit against his plastic surgeon. The surgeon, shown here, says, I was just trying to make him look normal.
And now, this weeks editorial by correspondent Bill Murray.
Bill Murray: Thank you Jane. In a landmark ruling this week, the United States Supreme Court declared that the spanking of schoolchildren by teachers or other school officials is constitutional. This five-to-four endorsement of corporal punishment should not be taken lightly. Imagine, if you will, that you are a fifth-grade teacher, and your class is lined up for a fire drill, and an 11-year-old girl in the class talks to her neighbor. No big crime. Children are at times unruly, but perhaps she should be taught a lesson.
OK, have her stay after school. You wouldnt want to humiliate her in front of her classmates. Then take the child, so pure, so frail, so unsuspecting, and put her over your knee, gently, ever so gently. But first, your mind wanders, and images of sunny Sundays, and breakfast with Mom and Dad, walks in the park with Gramps. Love, so much love.
The kids at school made fun of you and they called you sissy. The boys laughed at you in gym class and they said you werent as masculine as they were. You couldnt climb the ropes. And the showers, of course, were the hardest. Bald Billy, they called you. Now the girls, the girls, they- they laughed the hardest, giggling behind your back and pointing at you. Billy, Billy, whats the matter? The boys wont play baseball with you!
Then in high school, you called them, asked them on dates, but still they laughed, and laughed, and laughed. And you waited at home on Saturday night, watching wrestling on TV. And then Gramps died. And then Mom, well, she left Dad, and married a guy who laughed when he heard you were 23 years old and youd never been kissed. And Mom, she laughed too, with this weird guy she married. And you swore youd get even, get even with all of the people that laughed. And nows your chance.
It takes what seems like an eternity, but you take the trembling girl on your knee, and you pull up her dress. Yes, youre almost home now. Your hands are shaking, but you must continue. And then the panties, oh, the panties. Theyre white, and theyve got pink or light blue trim. And you touch the panties, and you pull down the panties. And there are firm, white mounds of heaven. Sweet, sweet, sweet nirvana. The girls made fun of me, yeah. They giggled, they pointed, they stood me up. But now theyll pay for it.
And you hit those mounds, [pounds his right hand on the desk repeatedly] and you hit those mounds again and again, you hit them until you beg for mercy, and are you gonna do it again? And youll show em. Gramps? Huh? Why did you die? I missed you! Mom? Why did you remarry? Huh? Why did you leave me? Why cant I be like everybody else? Huh? Ill show you why! Are you gonna do it again? No! [stops]
This is Bill Murray, for Weekend Update. Back to you, Jane. [applause]
Jane Curtin: [photo of an infant playing a child-sized tuba] Still to come, an alternative to breastfeeding, after this message.
Jane Curtin: Soviet Communist Party Chief Leonid Brezhnev surprised the world this week.
[photo of a Minnesota Twins player holding an umbrella on the field] Mary Poppins husband, Marty Poppins, has been signed a shortstop by the Minnesota Twins. Marty is shown here landing in the stadium just in time to field a ground ball and throw the runner out at first. A capacity crowd of 55 thousand saluted him by singing two choruses of Chim Chim Cher-ee.
And now, heres this weeks editorial reply by Emily Litella. [applause]
Emily Litella: Hi. Thank you, thank you Jane. Tonights commentary is concerned with air solution. Now, whats all this fuss I hear about air solution? I dont [cracks up] Oh God! I cant
Jane Curtin: [smiling] Whats so funny?
Emily Litella: That was the worst joke I ever made. It wasnt even close!
Jane Curtin: Im well aware of that. Whats wrong with you?
Emily Litella: Oh Im sorry, Miss Curtin. Im just not myself, Im quite preoccupied.
Jane Curtin: Preoccupied with what?
Emily Litella: Oh, my man, my man! Oh, you know, oh, my juices are all flowing. Im all juiced up!
Jane Curtin: Who is this guy, anyway?
Emily Litella: [proudly] Tom Snyder!
Jane Curtin: Tom Snyder? You, Emily Litella, are in love with Tom Snyder.
Emily Litella: What a hunk!
Jane Curtin: Well, I guess hes appealing, but, uh, Id never trust him. Besides, hes going to California anyway.
Emily Litella: Well, dont talk about him that way. I love him!
Jane Curtin: Oh come on, hes not worth it. Look at his hair! Hell only hurt you.
Emily Litella: I love him! I love him! I love him!And where he goes Ill swallow, Ill swallow, Ill swallow!Hell always be my true love, my true love, my true love,From now until forever, forever, forever!
[singing to the tune of I Will Follow Him]
“I will swallow him.”
Jane Curtin: Emily? Emily?
Emily Litella: “Swallow him wherever he may go! There isnt an o–“
Jane Curtin: EMILY!
Emily Litella: What??
Jane Curtin: Thats I Will Follow Him. Not Swallow Him, Follow Him.
Emily Litella: [pauses] Ohhh. Well thats different. Thats very different!
Tom, if youre watching: Never mind.
Jane Curtin: Thats our news tonight. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Cheers and applause. Jane and Emily awkwardly stare at each other. Fade]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 2: Episode 21
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
May 14th, 1977 Shelley Duvall Joan Armatrading None Lorne Michaels Bob Van Rye Spalding Gray Anne Beatts Tom Davis Jim Downey Mitchell Laurance Neil Levy Marilyn Suzanne Miller Tom Schiller Rosie Shuster Alan Zweibel Al Franken Paul Shaffer Howard Shore Programming ChangeSummary: Shelley Duvall announces that tonight’s show will be temporarily delayed so that NBC can replay the recent Duane Bobick-Ken Norton fight. Transcript
Montage
Video VixensSummary: Video Vixens Shelley Duvall, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman vow to make make the viewers laugh. Transcript
Bank Robber DisguisesSummary: The leader (Dan Aykroyd) of a bank robbery was unable to come up with as good a costume as the members of his gang. Transcript
Joan Armatrading performs “Love & Affection”
I Am Ricardo Montalban!Summary: Latin lovers Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd), Cesar Romero (John Belushi) and Fernando Lamas (Bill Murray) ask women at a restaurant to choose among them. Recurring Characters: Ricardo Montalban, Cesar Romero. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Jane Curtin makes a call to Emily Litella’s (Gilda Radner) answering machine. Recurring Characters: Emily Litella. Transcript
Black Educational ConferenceSummary: Boxer Duane Bobick (Tom Davis) makes the appeal for blacks to be educated and out of the ring.
Viva Las Vegas IISummary: Elvis Presley (John Belushi) as an aspiring Shakespearean actor. Recurring Characters: Elvis Presley.
Baba Wawa At LargeSummary: Richard Burton (Bill Murray) discusses his ex-wife, Elizabeth Taylor, with Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Richard Burton, Barbara Walters. Transcript
BridesSummary: Wedding traditions are examined, in a film by Sharon Sacks. Transcript
Bad BalletSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) dances poorly in “Swan.” Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.
Night Of The MooniesSummary: Deprogrammers (Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris) try to save a young moonie (Shelley Duvall) from the Rev. Sun Mynung Moon’s (John Belushi) cult. Transcript
Joan Armatrading performs “Down To Zero”
Van ArgumentsSummary: While standing in line at a cafeteria, a husband (Dan Aykroyd) and wife (Shelley Duvall) debate the purchase of the “Star is Born” soundtrack. Transcript
Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner Richard Burton…..Bill Murray
[ title card: “Baba Wawa At Large” ]
[ dissolve to Baba Wawa, seated on stage next to Richard Burton ]
Baba Wawa: Hewwo! I’m Baba Wawa, and wewcome to “Baba Wawa at Wawge”! Continuing with my vewy pewsonal and weveawing in-depth intewviews with the wenowned! It’s my pweasuh to give a Baba Wawa hewwo to the man who was mawwied wongest to Wiz Taywuh — Mistuh Wichud Buhton!
Richard Burton: Thank you, BABA! I truly, truly mean this, from the DEPTHS of my heart when I tell you that I LOVE your show and I watch you ALL the time!
Baba Wawa: [ she giggles ] Well, thank you, Wichud!It’s so wonduhfuh to heaw the sounds that woll ovuh yuh wywics! Uh, to heaw — to heaw them revuhbuhwate thwough a cwowded theatuh or bwake wite buhbs with that wich, wich tweet!
Richard Burton: BABA! Would you please get out of my WRETCHED life? You’re much too KIND! But, you see, this is just my STAGE voice, which I use for PROJECTION purposes! What my REAL voice is, is sort of a southern Great Lakes/Midwestern, uh, sort of voice, sort of like THIS: [ with a nerdy tone ] “Hey, girls? Where’s the cast party?”
Baba Wawa: [ she chuckles ] Ohhhh, Wichud! Wet’s get down to bwass tacks. Uh — a wot of peopuh awe cuwious to know: are you stihh a wush who dwinks wike a jewwyfish?
Richard Burton: No, I haven’t touched a DROP of John Barleycorn for FIVE weeks!
Baba Wawa: [ she chuckles ] Oh, well, that’s a wemawkabuh achievement for, uh — a, uh — wituhwee wefowmed ahcohowic!
Richard Burton: [ he laughs ] Well, I was in a COMA for the first FOUR weeks! [ he laughs ] No, I was just KIDDING about that! Make that PERFECTLY clear, I’m KIDDING about that COMA! A lot of VICIOUS stories get started that way!
Baba Wawa: Well, uh — Wichud, what do you think about the, uh, weedicuwous stowwies that awe witten about you?
Richard Burton: I think that the PEOPLE who WRITE them are SPINELESS PARASITES!! They are CREATURES who just make their living off of SUCKING off of other people’s LIVES!! [ Baba wipes a glob of Burton’s spit from her eye ] Uhhh — this month, for example. Uh, a story DEFAMED me in the pages of Teen Time magazine! THEY had nothing good to say! Uhhh — Tiger Beat magazine TRASHED me! Uhh — Sixteen magazine claimed I like to get DRUNK and fly upside-down in my private plane!
Baba Wawa: Weawwy?
Richard Burton: They HATE me! They DESPISE me! And just because I’m a PARTY ANIMAL!! I like to PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! And they DON’T!!
Baba Wawa: [ she chuckles ] Well, Wichud… you wed and wuvved Ewizabeth Taywuh — uh, you showuhed huh with emwahds and wubies and gave huh the wahget WOCK in the WOHWD! What was Wiz wiwwy wike, Wichud?
Richard Burton: Elizabeth Taylor was not only a very INTELLIGENT woman, in addition to being a very TALENTED actress.. but she’s also a very HOT tomato, if you know what I mean. [ he pulls out his wallet from his back pocket ] You ought to take a look at these PICTURES I’ve got of her — it’s UNBELIEVABLE! [ pulls pictures of Liz Taylor from his wallet ] Look at THIS — look at THIS! You believe THAT?!
Baba Wawa: Oooohhh, weawwy!
Richard Burton: Yeah, here she is! SWIMSUIT! You see what I see!
Baba Wawa: Yes!
Richard Burton: I used to be MARRIED to THAT! Do you believe that? Every night! Whenever I want it! I was MARRIED to it! I HAD her! I threw it away! [ a beat ] Oh, am I STUPID! [ Baba chuckles as Murray falls back into his own voice ] Really! Maybe I’m losing my accent again, but I really BLEW it that time! [ he puts his wallet away ]
Baba Wawa: Wichud! Wichud! Cawm down! Befaw you go, wood you do us a favuh? Wood you wecite something faw us?
Richard Burton: BABAAAA!! It would be a privilege! [ he begins ] “Each evening… from December to December… before you drift to sleep upon your cot… think back upon all the tales you remember… of Camelot.”
Baba Wawa: Ohhhh! That’s fwum “Camewot”!
Richard Burton: No, that’s “Cam-e-LOT”!
Baba Wawa: Ohhhhh, I WUV that show! I have the ahbum, and I know ahh the songs by hawt! [ singing ] “If evuh I wood weeeeave yooooouuuuu!” [ she stops ] But, Wichud… I’ve heawd “Camewot” a wot! Uhhh — can you, uh — don’t you know any thing ewse?
Richard Burton: By HEART?
Baba Wawa: Yes.
Richard Burton: [ thinking ] No! Just THIS: “Each evening… from December to December… before you drift to sleep upon your cot –“
Baba Wawa: [ to the camera ] Wadies and gentuhmen… I know it sounds a bit bizaww… but we’ve wun out of time! I’d wike to thank Wichud Buhton! [ she giggles ]
Male Customer 1…..Tom Davis Ron…..Dan Aykroyd Guard…..Jim Downey Male Teller…..Bill Murray Female Teller 1…..Shelley Duvall Female Teller 2…..Laraine Newman Cecile…..Gilda Radner Herbie…..John Belushi Ray…..Garrett Morris Female Customer 1…..Jane Curtin Other Customers…..Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Mitchell Laurance, Rosie Shuster, Anne Beatts FBI Bank Squad 1…..Tom Schiller FBI Bank Squad 2…..Neil Levy FBI Bank Squad 3…..Alan Zweibel
[ open on interior, bank, as Male Customer 1 makes his exit toward the door following his transaction ]
[ before Male Customer 1 reaches the door, a bank robber, Ron, dressed with a stocking over his face and oranges over his eyes, bursts in pointing a rifle ]
Ron: FREEZE, EVERYBODY, FREEZE!!! Good morning, this is a bank robbery!! [ points his rifle at the guard ] YOU!! Drop your gun belt,and kick it over here!! [ points his rifle at the tellers ] Okay, listen to me, clearly!! Alright, tellers, open your cash drawers halfway! Everybody else, lie down on the floor, keep your hands above your heads! [ everyone crouches to the floor ] No movement, no noise, or I start shooting! Is that clear?! Is that clear?! Just listen to me, and everything will be all right!!
[ a Male Teller clumsily reaches into a drawer and pulls out a pistol ]
Ron: You drop that, sucker, or I’ll take your head right off!!
Female Teller 1: [ to her co-worker ] Drop it!
[ the Male Teller drops the pistol ]
Ron: Okay, I’ve got my people with me, we DON’T want to hurt anybody! We just want to pull this off clean and nice, alright?
[ the rest of the gang burst into the bank, dressed collectively as a cowboy, witch, and ghost. They all point their rifles. ]
Ron: Okay! Ray, Cecile, clean out those cash drawers! Make sure NO metal touches any other metal!
[ the others surround the counter ]
Cecile: Alright, come on!
Ron: Alright, Herbie, pick up his gun, and his gun, and make HIM open the vault! I’m counting now: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5!
Female Teller 1: Excuse me! Excuse me!
Ron: What?!
Female Teller 1: I have a question?
Ron: What is it?
Female Teller 1: Uh — you’re supposed to be disguised, right?
Ron: Yeah?
Female Teller 1: Uhhh, okay, so… she’s a witch, and, uh, he’s a clown… and he’s a cowboy. So, what are you supposed to be?
Ron: Uh — what?!
Female Teller 1: Uh, your disguise? Who are you supposed to be, you know?
Ron: [ annoyed ] I’m an INSECT!! A bug! You know.
Female Teller 2: Uh — uh, I’m sorry, but — [ she laughs ] How do you figure an insect. I mean, it’s just a nylong stocking with two oranges stuck on your eyes. I mean, I don’t — I don’t see an insect there!
Ron: You don’t?
Female Teller 2: [ scared ] No-o-o!
Ron: Oh. Well… I’m supposed to be, like, a grasshopper. I’m a praying mantis! Yeah, that’s it! I’m a praying mantis! [ he riaes his hands in front of his face and hisses ]
Female Teller 2: [ trembling ] Uh — uh — you don’t look like one.
Ron: Well, forget it!! Shut up and let us work!! [ he continues ] 21! 22! 23!
Cecile: Ron? Ron? You know, she’s right! You don’t look like an insect!
Herbie: Yeah, man! You don’t look like any insect at all!
Ray: Yeah, man! You know, I’m glad you told me, because I neeeeever would have guessed it!
Ron: [ points to two of the tellers ] You!! You!! Give me a pencil!! [ Teller 1 hands him two pencils ] Okay! How about this?! [ he shoves the two pencils into his mouth, raises his hands, and hisses once again ]
Female Teller 2: No! No! That — that just looks — looks like two — two pencils.
Female Teller 1: [ smiling ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I see an insect!
Ron: Yeah!
Female Teller 1: Yeah!
Ron: Yeah, you just use your imagination, an insect will come to you no problem!
Female Teller 1: It’s really good!
Ron: Yeah! [ he chuckles heartily ]
Herbie: No, man, I’m not going for it! That’s the WORST disguise I’ve ever seen in my life!
Ray: Yeah, yeah, man…
Female Customer 1: I — I agree! You can see that everybody else really worked on their costumes!
Crowd: Yeah!!
Cecile: It’s true! I put a lot of time and money into this costume. How — what — how do you get off showing up like that?!
Herbie: Yeah! Really, man! This was the last cowboy suit in town! I had to go to three fittings!
Ron: [ aggravated ] COME ON!! Now, I worked all month planning this job!! Remember, when we started out, I was gonna get three matching harlequin costumes!! You know? So we’d look nice! But somebody else TOOK them!! There’s nothing I could do about it!! Plus, I had to plan the escape routes, I planned this whole thing! I had to look at traffic patterns, one-way streets, service alleys — I just didn’t have TIME to pick up a costume!!
Ray: Well, man, THAT’S no excuse, ’cause I came in on this thing yesterday, and I had time to get me a halfway decent costume together!
Female Customer 1: It’s true! At least you know he’s supposed to be a ghost! I mean, he’s a ghost, right? [ the crowd agrees ] But, uh, there’s no way that you’re an insect!
Female Teller 1: Well, I see it! I think it’s a GREAT costume! It’s so simple, you know?
Ron: Thanks.
Female Customer 1: Well, now, I like the cowboy. I mean, he really looks like a cowboy!
Guard: The ghost is my favorite.
Ray: Thank you very much!
Male Teller 1: Alright! Excuse me. I think we’d better SETTLE this matter before somebody gets hurt! Everybody, stand up! Bank robbery people, get over here in a line! [ the customers collect off to the side as the robbers form a line ] Now, we’re gonna vote on this — no — no applause, just, uh — just applause, no cheers, only. Okay, now here’s, uh — how about a cowboy? [ scattered applause ] Okay! Alright! Somebody came as a witch, how about her! [ scattered applause ] Who’s this fella, dressed up as a GHOST! [ Ray stick his togue out of his mouth hole, as the applause builds for him ] Alright! Alright! Okay! And how about this guy over here, dressed like an insect?
[ only Female Teller 1 applauds, with excess enthusiasm to boot. Male Teller gives her a dirty look and quiets her applause. ]
Male Teller 1: Well… I think the voting speaks for itself, Mr. Insect.
Ron: [ desperately ] WAIT!! [ points to Female Teller 1 ] YOU!! I do a great frog! Give me that green, felt desk blotter there! [ she collects the blotter ] Okay, I picked this up in Woman’s Day magazine — anybody can do it, you can do it at home. Now, you just take the blotter, and you just fold it. See? [ he lamely wraps the blotter around his head ] It’s a frog! Like this!
[ the crowd groans ]
Male Teller 1: Come on, it’s as good as your insect!
Ron: Alright, fine! [ to his fellow robbers ] You people DON’T have to help! [ he throws his bag in front of Female Teller 1 ] Here! Fill this bag up!
[ Female Teller 1 fills the bag as the other robbers clear everyone out of the way ]
Female Teller 1: [ enthusiastically, to Ron ] I really thought your insect was the best!
Ron: Oh… thanks. That’s real nice. [ light chuckle ] Would you mind counting those bills out for me? I can’t see with these oranges stuck in my eyes.
Female Teller 1: Oh. [ she begins to count ]
Ron: See, originally, I got this gang together, you know — [ he chuckles ] We, uh — we were gonna rob banks upstate and, uh, we had this idea, you know? I was gonna get these three matching harlequin costumes, you know? Like you see a joker in a deck of cards, you know? They were real colorful. Well, we didn’t have money for a deposit, so somebody else scooped them on us —
Female Teller 1: Awww.
[ the alarm sounds, as three robbers dressed in harlequin costumes burst through the door ]
FBI Bank Squad 1: Okay, everybody — FREEZE!! FBI Bank Squad!! You’re ALL under arrest!!
[ stunned silence from the roomful of people ]
Ron: WAIT!! I do a great porcupine!! [ points to Female Teller 1 ] YOU!! Give me twenty-five letter openers and fifty sharp pencils like this!
[ as the commotion grows, the camera swoops up into the audience and zooms toward a bushy-bearded man signalling for the camera, with SUPER: “Owns blank T-Shirt”. The man gives an “okay” sign to the camera for fulfilling his thrill of a lifetime. ]
Shelly Duvall: [to the camera] This week’s filmwas made by Sharon Sacks and, this being June, thefilm is called “Brides.”
[Fade in on a woman in a bridal veil smiling into thecamera. Pull back to reveal the woman and anotherwoman, both in full bridal regalia, ironing clothes ina kitchen as they sing the 1913 pop hit “You Made MeLove You”:]
Brides: [singing] You made me love you I didn’t want to do it I didn’t want to do it You made me love you
[Dissolve to a series of images of brides as anarrator speaks:]
Narrator: Since the dawn of civilization,society has celebrated marriage with elaborateceremonies and the ordering of new flatware. [briefdissolve to flatware] From Europe to the Hebrides,brides bedeck themselves in shining white dresses tosymbolize the traditional French pastry. [briefdissolve to wedding cake – then dissolve to a smilingbride rotating back and forth] Psychologists have longasked themselves, “Why do men fear brides?” The answeris simple: the imposing white figure of a bride mayremind a young male of dinnerware. [dissolve todinnerware rotating back and forth in the same fashionas the bride] And all men are unnaturally afraid ofdinnerware. [Cut to nervous young man] In fact, wavethis Wedgwood gravy boat in their face and men willscream. [A gravy boat is thrust in the man’s face – hescreams.] It’s a scientific fact.
[Quick fade out and in to a bride brushing her hair]Here we see a representation of the world famous”brushing bride.” Variations on this theme include the”buzzing bride” … [dissolve to the same bride makinga buzzing sound through her nose] … the “hummingbride” … [dissolve to the same bride making ahumming sound through her mouth] … and the “fallingbride.” [dissolve to the same bride falling out of theframe with a thud, shaking the camera a little] Thusthe phrase, “bridal thud” or “clunk.”
[Quick fade out and in to a pair of tap shoes, tappingout a rhythm – cut wide to reveal three maids of honorin pink gowns doing a tap dance routine as a bridesits nearby watching] Here, in southern California, ina special ceremony in the bride’s home, the maids ofhonor do a special dance to honor the wedding of thisyoung bride to a giant chicken. [Cut to a live chickenlooming over a doll house] The chicken impatientlywaits outside. [Cut to the bride’s parents lookingbored] While inside, the bride’s parents, anxious toappear “with it,” look on benevolently. [Cut to acrying bride being comforted by maids of honor in bluegowns] Meanwhile, across town, another young bride isheartbroken today because the chicken to whom she wasto be married inexplicably succumbed to exposure priorto the ceremony. [Cut to a dead, plucked,ready-to-cook chicken lying in the front yard of aranch house the size of a doll house]
[Quick fade out and in to a wedding ceremony where,instead of a priest, a bride and groom stand before aVegas-style stand-up comedian who wears a tuxedo andspeaks into a microphone:]
Comedian: He says, “Well, it’s my pet penguin.”He says, “I don’t care!” He says, “You take him to thezoo.” Guy takes off. The next day, sametime…
Narrator: Many families now prefer to foregothe vows themselves for the telling of the weddingjoke.
Comedian: So the cop comes up to him and says,”Didn’t I tell you yesterday to take that penguin tothe zoo?” He said, “I did. Today I’m takin’ him to themovies.” You may kiss the bride.
[The bride and groom kiss. Quick fade out and in tothree grim brides walking side by side down a street,accompanied by marching band music.]
Narrator: It is a little known fact that untiljust twenty years ago only blondes were permitted bylaw to become brides.
[Quick fade out and in to a woman with a brown paperbag over her head. Two eye holes are cut out of thebag so she can see. A photographer’s flash bulb goesoff and we pull back to reveal that the woman is abride standing with the groom, a priest, and the maidof honor for a wedding photo.] Anonymous weddings areincreasingly popular. This young bride, for example,owes money to a well-known and powerful departmentstore.
[Quick fade out and in to a series of black-and-whitestill photos of the White House wedding of PresidentRichard Nixon’s daughter Tricia. In the final photo,Nixon has a set of false vampire fangs in his mouth.]Other novelties are finding a place in the weddingritual. A President of the United States appeared atthe wedding of his daughter Tricia several years agosporting fangs thereby ushering in a new popularityfor vampire weddings. [Cut to priest and parents,standing outside a bedroom door, inspecting a whitelinen stained with red spots of blood] Here we are atMarjorie’s home the morning after the wedding wherethe happy parents surround her door. [Cut to thebedroom where the groom lies dead, two bleedingpuncture marks in his neck, as the bride moves to thewindow] While, inside the bedroom …
Vampire Bride: [exposing her fangs as shespeaks darkly] Goodbye, Mother. You finally made alady out of me. [The Vampire Bride transforms into abat, via animation, and flies out the window as wehear the Singing Brides:]
… John Belushi … Lorne Michaels … Shelley Duvall … Laraine Newman … Gilda Radner … Jane Curtin … Bob Van Ry
[We open cold on Home Base where an astonished JohnBelushi and Shelley Duvall, dressed in bee costumes,confer with producer Lorne Michaels, who holds a pieceof paper in his hand and tries to placatethem.]
John Belushi: [upset] I don’t believeit!
Lorne Michaels: There’s nothing I can do aboutit. I mean, I just found out about it– I’msorry.
John Belushi: It’s typical! It’s justtypical!
Lorne Michaels: I’m sorry. Listen … [handspaper to Shelley]
Shelley Duvall: We’re all rehearsed.
Lorne Michaels: No, no–
John Belushi: Look, I’m in the costume, I’m allready.
Lorne Michaels: There’s nothing I can do aboutit.
John Belushi: There’s nothing you cando?
Lorne Michaels: Nothing. I mean, I just got theword myself.
[Shelley, chewing gum, walks to center stage andaddresses the camera.]
Shelley Duvall: Hi, I’m not Miss USA, I’mShelley Duvall. [chuckles nervously, applause]Originally, uh, we were gonna start the show tonightwith me and John Belushi doing the Love Scene from”The Flight of the Bumblebee” — that’s how come I’mdressed like this. But, uh, just now, a networkexecutive contacted our producer Lorne Michaels and wehad to change our plans. You see, there’s this, uh,memo here. [chuckles, reads from the paper] “To allNBC producers: Because of the high cost-per-minuteratio of the recent Duane Bobick-Ken Norton fight,telecast originally on May eleventh, which,unfortunately, lasted only fifty-eight seconds, allNBC programs broadcast between now and June fifteenthwill begin with the aforementioned Bobick-Nortonfight. Kindest regards, Programming UnitA-C-nine-seventeen.” Well, that’s big business. So,here we go. [pause, Shelley looks around] Ithink.
[Finally, we dissolve to videotape of the fight. Thebell rings signaling the first round. Ken Norton, ablack man in blue trunks, and Duane Bobick, a whiteman in tan trunks, exchange punches for a few secondsbefore we cut backstage to the female cast members’dressing room. Gilda Radner sits on a make-up tablefixing her costume while Laraine Newman, smoking acigarette, watches the fight on a TV set.]
Laraine Newman: [disgusted] They cut the LoveScene from “The Flight of the Bumblebee” for this?[kills the sound on the TV and turns away to smoke hercigarette]
Gilda Radner: [annoyed, to Laraine] Hey! I waswatchin’ that!
Laraine Newman: [nasty] Yeah? Well, catch it inreruns. It’s drivin’ me up the wall!
Gilda Radner: [just as nasty] Back off, MissLint Hair! Miss Looks Like She Slept in a DoggyBag!
[Provoked, Laraine crushes her cigarette and starts tostrangle Gilda.]
Laraine Newman: Why, you–
Gilda Radner: No! Stop it!
[Screaming incoherently, the two women engage in acatfight. As they fall to the floor, Jane Curtinenters and tries to break it up. Meanwhile, theNorton-Bobick fight continues on the TV in thebackground.]
Jane Curtin: [wicked nasty] All right, you two!Knock it off! Knock it off or I’ll put your dentist ina new tax bracket!
[During this, Shelley Duvall, no longer in her beecostume, enters fussing with her hair and takes a seatat the make-up table. All the women are dressed inslinky black and gold outfits. Laraine rises andretreats to a corner. Meanwhile, on the TV, Nortonknocks Bobick down and the referee calls off the fightduring the following:]
Laraine Newman: [to Jane] Aw, shut up or I’lllet the air out of your legs.
Gilda Radner: [snatching a hairbrush out ofShelley’s hand] Gimme that!
Shelley Duvall: Wait a minute! Thank God youmake movies with a better class o’ people.
[Offended by Shelley’s comment, the others react whilefixing their hair and make-up.]
Laraine Newman: Oh ho!
Gilda Radner: Yeah, yeah, hey, hey!
Jane Curtin: [cruelly, to Shelley] Nice teeth.Why’n’t you tattoo “Steinway” on your upperlip?
Gilda Radner: [accusingly] Yeah, Shelley,what’d you do? Brush your way to the top?
Laraine Newman: [snidely, off Shelley’s biground eyes] Yeah, you know, you seldom find eyes likethat outside of a mouse cartoon.
Shelley Duvall: [feelings hurt] I’ve never donelive television. I can’t take it any more, you know?It’s just too much.
Gilda Radner: Yeah, well, if you wanna dotelevision, you’d better learn to take it,cupcake!
Laraine Newman: That’s right. If you can’tstand the heat, stay out of the kitchen, okay?
[On the TV, Norton has won the fight, the videotapeends and John Belushi appears on the screen in his beecostume.]
John Belushi: Live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight!
[Somewhere in the distance, the SNL Band plays theopening theme as the opening montage plays out on theTV screen during the following:]
Jane Curtin: [tough but sympathetic, toShelley] I know how you feel. We all know how youfeel. We were once serious actresses.
Shelley Duvall: Really?
Gilda Radner: Yeah! Yeah! Right. But weekly TVmade us tough. You know what I mean, honey?
Laraine Newman: Wise up, sweetheart. You got awhole show to host out there, you know? I mean, getwith it or get out!
Shelley Duvall: [adopting the tough tone of theothers, to Laraine] All right. Let me tell yousomething, kid. With pores that size, you could drillfor oil.
[Laraine and Gilda enthusuastically cheer Shelley’snew attitude.]
Jane Curtin: [instantly spoiling the mood] Aw,which one of you low-life’s put a cigarette out in myTab?
Gilda Radner: [to Jane] Not me, sweetheart.What are you talking about?
[Stage manager Bob Van Ry enters briefly and claps hishands at the women.]
Bob Van Ry: Okay, girls, let’s go! You gotthirty seconds!
Jane Curtin: [annoyed, to Bob] You’re notsupposed to be in here!
[The women rise from the make-up table, strip offtheir black jackets (embroidered with “Video Vixens”on the back) and start to exit toward Home Base. Janeand Laraine grab electric guitars as they go. Cut tothe four women exiting their dressing room and walkingthrough the audience as the band continues playing theopening theme and Don Pardo’s booming voice lists thecast members:]
Don Pardo V/O: … Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris,Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, and Gilda Radner!
[The women arrive at Home Base and take the stage infront of a glittering curtain. The house lights godown as the foursome line up behind four microphoneswith their backs to the audience — ready to begintheir act as “Video Vixens” …]
Air Date:
Summary: Shelley Duvall announces that tonight’s show will be temporarily delayed so that NBC can replay the recent Duane Bobick-Ken Norton fight.
Summary: Video Vixens Shelley Duvall, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman vow to make make the viewers laugh.
Summary: The leader (Dan Aykroyd) of a bank robbery was unable to come up with as good a costume as the members of his gang.
Summary: Latin lovers Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd), Cesar Romero (John Belushi) and Fernando Lamas (Bill Murray) ask women at a restaurant to choose among them.
Summary: Jane Curtin makes a call to Emily Litella’s (Gilda Radner) answering machine.
Summary: Elvis Presley (John Belushi) as an aspiring Shakespearean actor.
Summary: Richard Burton (Bill Murray) discusses his ex-wife, Elizabeth Taylor, with Baba Wawa (Gilda Radner).
Summary: Wedding traditions are examined, in a film by Sharon Sacks.
Summary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) dances poorly in “Swan.”
Summary: Deprogrammers (Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris) try to save a young moonie (Shelley Duvall) from the Rev. Sun Mynung Moon’s (John Belushi) cult.
Summary: While standing in line at a cafeteria, a husband (Dan Aykroyd) and wife (Shelley Duvall) debate the purchase of the “Star is Born” soundtrack.
