[ Duvall stands alone on stage, and waves to the camera with a smile ]
Shelley Duvall: Bye! I really enjoyed it. Thank you!
[ the cast suddenly join her on stage ]
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Buck Henry, with musical guests Jennifer Warnes and Kenny Vance. This is Don Pardo, and, no matter what you’ve heard, my voice is not a friendly oboe player. Honest! Good night.
Deprogrammer 1 …..Dan Aykroyd Deprogrammer 2…..Garrett Morris Moonie…..Shelley DuvallSun Myung Moon…..John Belushi Wife…..Laraine Newman Other Moonies…..Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Jim Downey, Mitchell Laurance, Tom Schiller, Rosie Shuster, Alan Zweibel Sheriff…..Bill Murray
[ black-and-white: open on interior, motel room, as a pair of deprogrammers stand over a Moonie tied to a chair ]
Deprogrammer 1: Led Zeppelin! Led Zeppelin! Led Zeppelin! LED ZEPPELIN!!
[ they rise to speak privately ]
Deprogrammer 1: Man, I say we give up on this Moonie! She’s not gonna crack!
Deprogrammer 2: Yes, she WILL!! Now, I have — look, I have deprogrammed TOUGHER kids than this one! Now, look — come on!
Deprogrammer 1: [ sighing ] It’s been five days!
Deprogrammer 2: [ to the moonie ] Look… don’t you want all of this to end? Huh? Just renounce that Sun Myung Moon character… and you can go back home to your parents!
Moonie: [ in a monotone ] The Unification Church is my family. I don’t like my parents.
Deprogrammer 1: [ he sighs ] How ’bout your dog? Don’t you want to go see your dog?
Moonie: I don’t have a dog.
Deprogrammer 1: Do you have a cat?
Moonie: I don’t have a cat.
Deprogrammer 1: Well, we’ll buy you a cat! [ cutesy ] A little kitten! Yuo can call it “Booooots”, or “Whiskers”, or “Muffin”, or ANYTHING YOU LIKE!!!
Deprogrammer 2: Shhhh…
Moonie: I don’t like animals.
Deprogrammer 2: Look — you can catch up on TV! Now, I bet you haven’t seen the new Fall shows!
Deprogrammer 2: Of course, you missed Mary’s last show, you know, uh — but… I’m sure they’ll probably rerun it.
Moonie: Television is the Devil’s paintbrush. I don’t like television.
Deprogrammer 1: I’m gonna put on that Mamas & Papas album one more time, see what happens.
[ a knock at the door ]
Deprogrammer 1: There’s the kid from Burger King.
Moonie: I don’t like Burger King. Burgers are the Devil’s scouring pads.
Deprogrammer 1: Well, don’t worry — we got you a Whaler with cheese.
[ he answers the door, but it’s Sun Myung Moon on the other side ]
Deprogrammer 1: Oh, no!!
Sun Myung Moon: Good ev-e-ning! I am the Reverand Sun Myung Moon, leader of the Moo-nies!
[ music sting ]
[ title card: “Night of the Moonies” ]
Sun Myung Moon: We have come… for… the girl!
Deprogrammer 1: This kid’s going BACK to her family!!
Sun Myung Moon: Whyyyy do you resist us? It is so much more preseant to surrender and become one of us. Submit to the uneffortable, free yourself of human emotion. Want to come to our bicentennial rally?
Deprogrammer 1: You’re crazy!! You think I’m gonna join your gang of zombies?! You must be NUTS!!
Sun Myung Moon: Noooo?? Perhaps your wife will be able to change your mind, Round Eyes!
[ Moon leads Deprogrammer 1’s zombified wife through the door ]
Deprogrammer 1: [ alarmed ] It IS my wife! Honey!
Deprogrammer 2: [ examines her listless face ] She’s not your wife any more, man. She’s a moonie!
Wife: Why struggle, dear? Give in. I’ve sold the house and car and all your possessions, and given the money to Reverand Moon.
Deprogrammer 1: [ he gasps ] NO!! NO!!
Wife: Your shirts, your slacks, your ties, your power tools…
Deprogrammer 1: My power tools?!!
Wife: Your beer can collection, your monogrammed golf clubs, your RCA home entertainment center, your electric wok.
Deprogrammer 1: Oh, how could you do it, honey?!
Wife: They’re all gone…
Sun Myung Moon: [ sinisterly ] We will keep… the electric wok!
Deprogrammer 2: Don’t!! Don’t listen to ’em!! [ he turns and shoves Moon and Deprogrammer 1’s wife out the door ] Get out of here!! Get out of here!! [ to Deprogrammer 1 ] Look, we can’t save her now! [ continues shoving Moon out the door ] Get out!! [ he slams the door ] Now, come on, you’ve GOT to help me!! They’re gonna probably try to get in now!!
Deprogrammer 1: Yeah, right!
Deprogrammer 2: Help me block this door!!
[ they push furniture in front of the door, as other moonies begin to smash in the window ]
Deprogrammer 2: Now, get over there to the window — here they come, here they come!!
[ the moonies try to push their literature through the empty panes, as Deprogrammer 1 begins to hammer boards over the window ]
Deprogrammer 1: Get away!! Get out of here!!
Voice of a Moonie: How are you? Would you like to buy a flower and help the Reverand Moon?
Deprogrammer 2: NO!! I’m not interested!!
Voice of a Moonie: Have a nice day!
Deprogrammer 1: They’re all over the place!!
Deprogrammer 2: I KNOW THAT!!
Voice of a Moonie: Would you like to make a donation..?
Deprogrammer 1: A quarter? [ he takes a brochure from one of the moonies and begins to read it ]
Deprogrammer 2: I don’t know HOW long — I don’t know how long we cna hold out! I don’t even know how many of them there are! They could have HUNDREDS of brochures, man. They might even have a sound truck! [ he turns and notices the brochure in Deprogrammer 1’s hand ] Hey, what’s that you’re reading there? Hey, man! Look! Listen, man!! [ he tears the brochure away and shoves Deprogrammer 1 down onto a bed ] Do you want to end up like one of those goons out there?!!
Deprogrammer 1: NO, NO!!
Deprogrammer 2: Stop reading that stuff!! You understand?!!
Deprogrammer 1: NO!! NO…!!
[ Deprogrammer 1 rises slowly, his eyes now darkened circles ]
Deprogrammer 1: [ in a monotone ] I am one of them now. It is really pleasant. [ to Deprogrammer 2 ] Hello! How are you? Are you busy right now? Can I walk with you just a little bit? You’re probably on your way to work. It’s Gentlemen’s Day today! It’s Gentlemen’s Day today! Why don’t you come with me just now..?
[ Deprogrammer 1 rises, as Deprogrammer 2 inches away toward the front door ]
Deprogrammer 2: You — you can stay here, man, I’m getting the hell out of here!
[ Deprogrammer 2 frantically pulls the furniture away from the front door and thrusts it open. Sun Myung Moon and some of the other moonies proceed to re-enter. ]
Sun Myung Moon: It’s time for you to join us! Here is your button!
Deprogrammer 2: NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!
Deprogrammer 1: [ as he unties the rope around the first Moonie’s ] Hi! How are you? May I interest you in some literature? If you’d care to make a small donation…
Deprogrammer 2: NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOO!!!!
[ unnoticed by anyone, the Sheriff enters the motel room ]
Sheriff: Yeah, Chief, there’s a whole lot of those moonies here! Yeah, okay! Check!
[ the Sheriff proceeds to shoot each moonie one at a time, firing nine shots. Various moonies shout “Have a nice day!” before being shot. At last, the Sheriff shoots and kills Sun Myung Moon. ]
Deprogrammer 2: Thank God! Thank God, man! Thank God you came here!
Sheriff: Yeah, Chief? Okay, I’m gonna head down to that corner, there’s an ol’ rat’s nest in here, I got one more moonie to kill!
Deprogrammer 2: Oh, no, man! I’m not a moonie!
Sheriff: Alright!
Deprogrammer 2: I’m not — I’m not a moonie!
[ the Sheriff fires two shots at Deprogrammer 2 ]
Sheriff: Yeah, that really is a tragedy about San Diego. They never had proper law enforcement techniques down there, anyway. [ he chuckles ] Alright!
[ the Sheriff exits the motel room, leaving dead bodies everywhere as “The End” creeps onscreen ]
[ close-up, as the original moonie rises from the floor and smiles toward the camera ]
Moonie: Hello! How are you? Have you heard about the Unification Church? Do you mind if we talk for a while?
[ pull out to in-color studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Loud Family Discuss the Concorde SST” ]
[John Belushi stands in a kitchen set with a coffeecup, addressing the camera.]
John Belushi: Hi. I’m John Belushi. I’m just having acup of coffee before the show. It’s kind of atradition with me. [sits at kitchen table] Here atSaturday Night Live, we have another tradition thatthe show has always opened with the words, “Live fromNew York, it’s–!” Well, you know the rest. [sipscoffee] Tonight, our producer, Lorne Michaels, hasconvinced the NBC brass to let me say the words tostart tonight’s show. Now, it was no easy battle. Imean, we’ve done close to fifty shows and this is thefirst time I’ve been allowed to do the opening. Yousee, I’ve got a bad reputation around NBC as atroublemaker. The network brass think all actors arestupid. So, uh, naturally any actor who thinks forhimself or has any sort of intellect is a”troublemaker” to them. Let’s forget that now. I mean,that’s not important now.
Anyway, that– I know that my being out here alone, atthe beginning of a live show, represents a – a sacredtrust the network has bestowed upon me. Because, ofcourse, the show cannot start until I say thosewords. Right now, NBC, one of the country’s largestcorporations, with billions in assets, is waiting forme, a stupid troublemaking punk actor from Wheaton,Illinois, to open the show. [makes a fist] Well, I’vegot them where I want them. Right in the palm of myhand. [opens fist, points to palm] But, although Icould easily do it, I would never, never — Oh, what’sthe word I’m looking for? — betray thenetwork’s trust in me. I will say the words, “Livefrom New York, it’s–” you know what, when I’m ready.
[takes a paper from his pocket] I will now read a listof demands. [applause, Belushi unfolds the paper, sipscoffee] When these demands are met, I will say thewords that open the show. [looks to his left andstarts talking to someone off screen] Get back, Bobby.Now, I mean business. No, don’t try and stop me. [cutwide to reveal a bespectacled stage manager venturingonto the set, pointing to his wristwatch andwhispering to Belushi who addresses the camera] BobVan Ry, one of our stage managers, a heck of a guy.Let’s hear it for him. [Belushi leads the audienceinto applause] A nice guy. [to Van Ry who exits] Let’snot start anything, okay?
[clears throat, reads from paper] First demand.Separate showers for the male and female cast members.Now, I, myself, don’t mind showerin’ with the girlsbut I know the new kid, Bill Murray, doesn’t like it.He’s shy. The guy’s been showering with his swim -swim trunks on, y’know. It’s embarrassing. But can youblame him? Uh, my second demand. Beer for the wholecrew on work nights! [throaty cheers and applause] Mythird demand! For myself, I want nothing. But for mylovely new wife, Judy, I demand an all-expense-paidtrip for two to the next Ali-Foreman fight in Korea,plus two ringside seats.
[folds up paper, after a pause] I can wait. Hey. I’vegot all night. Watch this. “Live from New York, it’sThursday night!” Hahahahaha! Just kidding, suckers![someone off screen offers Belushi an envelope] Ah!Ooh! What’s this? [takes envelope] I knew the weaselswould back down. [opens envelope, finds letter] Oh! Hoho ho! [reads letter aloud] “Dear John, Whatever yourdemands are, they will be met.” Hey, what’d I say?”But before we discuss those demands in greaterdetail, may we say how very much we admire your actingwork. [pleased, raises an eyebrow] We enjoy all yourcharacterizations, though our favorites would have tobe your Samurai, your Brando, your Bee, your JoeCocker, your Live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight–” [SNL band kicks in, Belushi jumps up] No!Wait! Stop! Stop! It’s a trick! It’s a trick!
[But it’s too late. The show has begun. Dissolve toopening montage.]
Chaplain … Jack Burns Groom … Dan Aykroyd Bride … Jane Curtin
[Below deck on a ship, a wedding ceremony is inprogress. Most of the guests wear civilian clothes butthe bride, groom, and chaplain are in Marine dressuniforms.]
Chaplain: We are gathered here today in this ship tounite this man, Sergeant Louis Boyd and, uh, thiswoman, Private Kathryn Lazetti, in holy matrimony. Letus be mindful, however, in one sense, that these twopeople are already united under the holiest of allmatrimonies, a commitment to the United StatesMarines. [the bride and groom smile and glance attheir guests] Am I right, Sergeant Boyd?
Groom: Yes, sir.
Chaplain: I can’t hear you.
Groom: Yes, sir.
Chaplain: I still can’t hear you.
Groom: Yes, sir!
Chaplain: I can’t hear you!
Groom: YES, SIR!
Chaplain: [quietly] Living within the sacred, sacredbonds of wedlock requires love, patience andconsideration on the part of both. The rewards, ofcourse, are the warmth and growing beauty which growsfrom a lifelong companionship. [suddenly yells at thebride] Right, maggot?!
Bride: Yes, sir.
Chaplain: Right, maggot?!
Bride: Yes, sir!
Chaplain: Slime?!
Bride: Yes, sir!
Chaplain: What are you?!
Bride: We are slime, sir!
Chaplain: LOUDER!
Bride: WE ARE SLIME, SIR!
Chaplain: LOUDER!
Bride: WE ARE SLIME, SIR!!!
Chaplain: [quietly] Do you… do you Sergeant Boydtake this woman, Kathryn Lazetti, to be your lawfullywedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness andhealth, for richer and poorer until the death do youpart?
Groom: [quietly] I do.
Chaplain: I can’t hear you.
Groom: I do.
Chaplain: I can’t hear you!
Groom: I do!
Chaplain: I can’t hear you!
Groom: I DO, SIR!!!
Chaplain: [quietly] And do you, do you, PrivateLazetti… [suddenly yelling] … know the categoriesof explosive mines?! Sound off! On the double!
Chaplain: And do you take this MAGGOT!,Sergeant Louis Boyd, do you take him to be yourlawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to holdin hand-to-hand assault position as in combat drillnumber A-1750?! Move!
[The bride and groom instantly perform the drill: heattacks her, she grabs his arm and throws him to theground. He quickly rises and they resume theirplaces.]
Chaplain: Do you?!
Bride: [demurely] I do.
Chaplain: [quietly] All right. I now pronounce you manand wife. [to the groom] You may now describe the 75mm recoilless rifle.
Groom: Air code, single shot, breach-loading weaponusing fixed ammunition, portable, designed to be firedfrom a machine gun tripod mount!
Chaplain: Kiss the bride.
[Groom leans over mechanically, gives bride a quicknoisy smooch, then resumes his place.]
Chaplain: Congratulations. I hope you’ll both be veryhappy and uncomfortable. Reception is on deck. Bridalcouple, wedding guests, file, single, two, move![Bride takes groom’s arm and they hustle off, thewedding guests run off after them, the chaplainscreaming at them] Move! Move it! Move, you people!Move, you slime! I HATE YOUR GUTS!!!
[After all have exited, the chaplain quietly salutesGod and mouths a thank you to Him before we fade out.]
Head Squatter…..John Belushi Squatter 1…..Dan Aykroyd Squatter 2…..Bill Murray Ma…..Jane Curtin Squaw…..Gilda Radner Runaway Slave…..Garrett Morris Colonel George Hall…..Jack Burns Other Squatters…..Laraine Newman, Anne Beatts, Tom Davis, Jim Downey, Al Franken, Mitchell Laurance, Neil Levy, Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Tom Schiller, Rosie Shuster, Alan Zweibel Modern-Day Couple…..Al Franken, Rosie Shuster Sons…..Jim Downey, Tom Davis
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “The Squatters.”
“Dare we forget the contributions made by these rugged pioneers? As the West opened up in the early 1800’s, the Squatters crossed the uncharted frontier to settle on land they did not own. The journey West was grueling and dangerous. Hardships were many; pleasures, few. But the Squatters moved on toward their dream of finding a home.”
[ reveal three men squatting on their haunches, drawing a makeshift map in the dirt ]
Head Squatter: Okay. Okay, the mountains are over here… the river, over here. I say we go… THAT way! [ he points stage right ]
Squatter 1: Looks good to me.
Squatter 2: Me, too.
Head Squatter: OKAY, EVERYBODY!!! LET’S GOOOOO!!!!
[ the three men turn on their haunches and waddle toward stage right without rising. A group of fellow settlers, also squatting on their haunches, follow close behind. ]
[ title card ]
Announcer: These are the Squatters. And this is their story.
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “From 1790 to 1840, the prairies were dotted with trains of Squatters, relentless in their quest for that piece of land on which to squat.”
[ the group stops at one point to rest ]
Squatter 1: Boy, am I tired.
Squatter 2: Yeah, my knees are killing me!
Head Squatter: Mine, too. Well… looks like as good a place as any.
Squatter 1: Let’s stop here.
Head Squatter: Sounds good to me. OKAY, EVERYBODY!!! THIS… IS… THE PLACE!!!
[ the group cheers ]
Head Squatter: LET’S GO TO WORK!!!
[ they begin setting up ]
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “And so, the Squatters found their piece of land. They worked hard; tilling the soil, and building homes, roads, bridges, and grist mills. Life was grueling and dangerous, but still the Squatters found time for fun!”
[ reveal the Squatters participating in a hoedown, then settling around to socialize with one another ]
Head Squatter: Hey! You know, Ma here is the best cook in the territory! What’s for dinner tonight, Ma?
Ma: Squab!
Head Squatter: Oh. And that vegetable — what’s that vegetable?
Ma: Squash!
Head Squatter: Uh-huh! And, uh —
[ an Indian squaw waddles forward ]
Squatter 1: Who are you?!
Squaw: Squaw!
Squatter 1: Come on! Squat on over here by me, Squaw!
[ she waddles over ]
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Yes, some Indians became Squatters. And so did runaway slaves…”
[ a runaway slave waddles past them ]
Head Squatter: Hey, hey, hey! You can stop running! You’ve found a home as a Squatter!
Runaway Slave: Thanks! My name… Dred Squat!
Head Squatter: Welcome, Dred! No reason you should live in squallor, when you can be a Squatter!
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Just when it looked as though the Squatters were over the hump, trouble once again reared its ugly head. By 1830 the railroads arrived with land grants that included Squatting ground.”
Colonel George Hall: [ enters standing tall ] Are you people Squatters?
[ the Squatters squat closer to the stranger ]
Squatter 1: Does a bear squat in the woods?
Colonel George Hall: [ squats down to their level ] I’m Colonel George Hall, United States Cavalry. I’m assigned to order you people off railroad property!
Head Squatter: You mean, you’re taking OUR land… and you’re not gonna pay us ANYTHING for it?!
Colonel George Hall: Yuo ain’t gonna get diddly-squat!
[ Colonel George Hall stands tall and exits the scene ]
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “The spirited Squatters would not allow themselves to be stepped on, and they organized a Squatters Rights Movement!”
[ the Squatters hold protest signs: “We’re Getting Squewed!”, “Squelch the R.R.s!”, etc. ]
Squatter 1: I’ll tell ya — I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m mad!
[ everyone screams in agreement ]
Squatter 2: I say we FIGHT the railroad with GUNS!! What do you say?!
[ everyone screams in agreement ]
Squatter 1: No! No! No, you idiot! We’ll all get killed!
Squatter 2: Why, you cheap squat!
[ they erupt into a squatting fistfight ]
Head Squatter: Alright, stop it! Stop it! Let’s unite! Let’s not squabble amongst ourselves! Come on, unite! Squat! Squat! Squat!
Everyone: SQUAT!! SQUAT!! SQUAT!!
Announcer: The Squatters won their fight, and, in 1841, Congress passed the Pre-Emption Act, guaranteeing Squatters the first right to buy land upon which they squat.
[ dissolve to modern-day squatting couple over a miniature barbecue pit, as their two sons play Catch in the background ]
Announcer: And, today, descendants of the original Squatters flourish in the modern community of Squatters Heights, Kansas.
[ title card ]
Announcer: And that is the Story of the Squatters — Americans who did not stoop to conquer.
[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on excited bearded man with CAPTION: “Came Here To Deliver A Pizza” ]
Mr. Ross … Jack Burns Sherry … Laraine Newman Barry Spats … John Belushi Policeman #1 … Bill Murray Policeman #2 … Garrett Morris Tom Sussman … Dan Aykroyd Lois … Jane Curtin Mistress … Gilda Radner
[Wealthy executive Mr. Ross sits at his desk in afancy skyscraper office high above the city. He speaksinto his intercom.]
Mr. Ross: Uh, Sherry, can you – can you comein, please, and, uh, bring your – bring your pad withyou?
[Sherry, a daffy blonde receptionist, with a thickCalifornia accent, enters.]
Sherry: Hi, Mr. Ross! Just look at this bosspen I got from a deaf and dumb person who came to thereception desk! It only cost me six dollars! You know,that seemed like a lot of money for a pen but hetalked me into it.
Mr. Ross: [rises] Well, uh, Sherry, will you -will you take a letter, please?
Sherry: [sits at desk] For sure.
[Mr. Ross opens the office window that looks out onthe city skyline, traffic noises drift in from thestreet below.]
Mr. Ross: [dictates, to Sherry] Uh, to, uh, towhom – to whom it may–
Sherry: Oh, damn it! Wait a second. This pendoesn’t work! [shakes the pen] Guy, my friend told meyou can get it to work if you shake it like this. Shesaid it had something to do with Kahoutec. Oh, it’sworking now.
Mr. Ross: Okay, dear.
Sherry: Okay.
Mr. Ross: Uh, to whom it may concern: My, uh,business has gone bankrupt. Fran has left me. I havenothing to live for. So, good-bye forever.
[Mr. Ross leaps up on the window sill and prepares tojump but before he can:]
Sherry: Okay, you want me to read that back toyou, Mr. Ross?
Mr. Ross: [looks back at Sherry] Yeah, okay.[climbs down from sill]
Sherry: Okay. [reads] “To whom it may concern:My business is bankrupt. Fran has left me. So,good-bye forever.”
Mr. Ross: Oh. Uh, make that: “Good-bye forever,good-bye.”
Sherry: [writing] “Good-bye forever,good-bye.”
Mr. Ross: Yeah. Now, would you send out somecopies to my, uh, attorney, my accountant and to theMorgan Trust Company, who is in charge of my estate,and, by the way, would you please cancel my threeo’clock appointment with Barry Spats? Allright?
Sherry: [looks at him, seriously] Mr. Ross. Ithink I know what you need. A nice hot cup of freshcoffee.
Mr. Ross: Uh, no, dear, I’m gonna kill myself.Heh, see?
Sherry: Oh. Well, can I get one?
Mr. Ross: Er, sure, yeah, okay.
Sherry: Thanks.
[Sherry rises and exits. Mr. Ross watches her go,shakes his head, returns to the window, peers down atthe street below. He sees a large fish tank next tothe window, thinks it over, nods, holds his breath,and then plunges his face into the tank, trying todrown himself. Sherry re-enters with a coffee mug andsees Mr. Ross at the fish tank. She crosses to him andtaps him on the shoulder.]
Sherry: Mr. Ross? Mr. Ross?! [pulls him out ofthe tank]
Mr. Ross: [dripping wet, impatient] What is it,Sherry?
Sherry: Look. I know you’re super-preoccupiedand everything but, like, I’d really like the rest ofthe day off. You see, my boyfriend Brad is flying infrom L.A. and he’s rully, rully pissed at me’cause he found out that I went to the Eagles concertwith this guy Greg, who’s rully gay but thatdoesn’t matter to Bra-ad — and, like, I told himthat I rully need some space and that he doesn’t ownme. Don’t you agree, Mr. Ross?
Mr. Ross: I can’t – I can’t – I can’t take itany more, honey. I’m sorry, I’m going! [leaps on tothe window sill]
Sherry: Oh, Mr. Ross! Don’t jump!
[Mr. Ross jumps out the window and screams as iffalling many stories but, in fact, he remains in viewjust outside the window. He turns around and looksdown to see that he is still standing. Laraine Newman,playing Sherry, breaks character.]
Laraine Newman: [dry sarcasm, to host JackBurns who has been playing Mr. Ross] Great leap, Jack.[disgusted, she removes her blonde wig]
Jack Burns: [also breaking character] Um, wha-wha- what happened?
Laraine Newman: Well, that was a realconvincing jump. I mean, this is supposed to be askyscraper, you know, we’re supposed to be high abovethe ground and– You were supposed to duck!
Jack Burns: Well, why didn’t somebody tell me?I read the script. It just said jump. It didn’t sayanything about ducking. I mean, it’s– I – I didn’tknow that, you know, uh, Laraine. I–
[John Belushi, playing hip businessman Barry Spats,wearing blue suit and tinted sunglasses, burstsin.]
Barry Spats: Hi! How do you do?! I’m BarrySpats! I believe I have a three o’clock appointmentwith Mr. Ross! Hey!
Laraine Newman: John. Skip the lines. Jackforgot to jump, er, duck.
John Belushi: [instantly breaks character andscreams at an embarrassed Jack Burns] GREAT, JACK!NICE GOIN’! I HAD A BIG SPEECH I WAS SUPPOSED TO DOHERE, JACK!
[Sirens wail.]
Laraine Newman: [to Jack Burns] Hey! Hear thosesirens? That’s supposed to be the ambulance thatarrives too late to save you!
Jack Burns: Well, uh, couldn’t we do it over?I’m willing to do it over again–
[Two uniformed policemen, played by Bill Murray andGarrett Morris, enter.]
Policeman #1: Hey, uh, a witness said that theysaw a man jump out of this window!
Policeman #2: Yeah, can you identify him forus? What’s the victim’s name?
Laraine Newman: Drop it, guys.
Policeman #1: [confused] Huh?
Jack Burns: [waves shyly] Hi, Garrett, Bill.
Bill Murray: [breaks character, annoyed] Nicework, Jack. What the HELL are you doing standingup?
[Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin, playing Tom Sussman, ajournalist in a trench coat, and his photographer,Lois, burst in.]
Tom Sussman: Okay! Hold it, everybody! Uh, TomSussman, Daily News! Get pictures of everything, Lois!This is gonna be a great story! “Wealthy Exec GetsDepressed – Wife Leaves Him – He Takes thePlunge!”
Laraine Newman: Dan! Jane.
[The rest of the cast points or nods in Jack Burns’direction. Dan Aykroyd sees him and breakscharacter.]
Dan Aykroyd: Oh.
Jack Burns: I – I sort of feel responsible forthis, Dan. You see, what–
[Gilda Radner as Mr. Ross’ mistress entersdramatically, screaming horribly, eyes shut tight,clutching her hands to her head. Applause for herentrance.]
Mistress: I just saw him lying on the sidewalk!Oh, my God! I was his mistress! We meet on a weekendin Tahiti at Club Med! It was beautiful and we weregonna work it out! But I came to tell him it was over!I feel terrible!
John Belushi: You feel terrible? How do youthink I feel? I miss out on a chance of giving my bigspeech! [disappointed] Oh, God. [off Jack Burns]Because Mr. Improv over here didn’t know how to DUCK![to Jack Burns] ISN’T THAT RIGHT?!
Jack Burns: [quietly] That’s right. I didn’tknow it was in the script.
[Uniformed Boy Scout, carrying flag that reads TROOP35, enters.]
Boy Scout: He was – he was my troop leader.Does this mean the hike is off?
[Disgusted, the cast members begin grumbling andleaving the set.]
Laraine Newman: Oh, let’s get out ofhere.
Gilda Radner: Come on.
John Belushi: Give me a break. How about Mr.Realism over here?
Laraine Newman: You’re on your own,Jack.
John Belushi: Take care.
Bill Murray: Sweet workin’ with ya,Jack!
[The cast exits. Alone on the set, still standingoutside the window, Jack Burns smiles apologeticallyto the camera.]
Jack Burns: I – I – I feel kind of humiliated,you know, fouling the sketch up like this. I did try.I mean, I – I – I’ve been trying all week, uh, I wastrying to get in shape for the show mentally as wellas physically and, uh–
[ open on Jane seated at newsdesk leaning over toward a cardboard cutout of Harry Reasoner ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: I think you know what I’m talking about, Harry. You’ve gotta forget her — it’s futile! That woman will stop at nothing. So she makes more money than you do? You have the credibility and can pronounce your R’s. You’re not getting any younger, you know. And I understand you. Join me here at “Weekend Update” — I will be your co-anchorperson, and I will also be your companion. I know what it takes to make a man happy. Have you ever heard of the, uh… Yokahama Rope Trick, Harry? Oh. Well, then… how about the, uh… Embrace with a Bin of Badgers? Come on, Harry — what do you say?
[ Jane pulls a switch behind the cutout, moving Reasoner’s lips as she syncs for him ]
Cutout: I’ll think about it, Jane.
Jane Curtin: I know you’ll make the right decision, Harry.
[ Jane holds an orgasmic pose, collects her news sheets, then turns to the forst Chromakey image ]
Our top story tonight: At a news conference today, David Frost called his first interview with Ex-President Richard Nixon both candid and revealing. Frost said that Nixon admitted his involvement in Watergate, conceded that Alger Hiss was innocent, apologized for bombing Cambodia, documented Bebe Roso’s underworld connections, and, at one point, actually fell to his knees begging forgiveness from the American people for his crimes. [ audience cheers ] “Unfortunately,” added Frost, “the videotape with this portion of the interview was stolen by Daniel Ellsburg’s psychiatrist.”
Well, the loser of the Jimmy Carter Look-Alike Contest was flown to Washington this week to meet the President. From here, he’ll be flown to Israel, where he also lost the Golda Meir Look-Alike Contest.
Polish movie director Roman Polanski announced plans yesterday to film a remake of Louisa May Alcott’s “Little Women”. [ she blows a raspberry ]
According to a book published this week, not only did George Washington have wooden teeth, but America’s first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware!
Don’t you love history?
Well, the 36-member assassination committee investigating the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, was itself assassinated this week. The committee was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital, where it died at 2:02, 2:09, 2:17, 2:41, 3:38, and 5:23.
[ image: two pug dogs ] Karl Malden and Ernest Borgnine will co-star in a new adventure series next season on NBC TV. The two stars, shown here dining in Beverly Hills, said they look forward to working together for a long time.
Still to come: Dr. Rene Richards describes her operation. After this message.
[ dissolve to ad parody for Leech-Tab 100 ]
[ dissolve back to newsdesk ]
Jane Curtin: A “Weekend Update” correction: Last week, we inadvertently reported that California State legislature had changed the state’s name to “Willie Mays”. Well, we stand corrected. What we meant to say was that Queen Elizabeth II was dtusying electrolysis in her spare time.
More on that assassination committee: 7:55, 8:06, and 11:34.
[ Jane turns to a side camera, then returns to the main camera ]
Well, next Monday is Oscar night, and for those of you who are impatient for the results, as we were, we have them! You see, Price Watergouse, the accounting firm that tallies the Academy’s votes, is right here in our building, and one of our writers happened to be walking past their office, and… [ she chuckles ] You know how they say they guard the results — all that security and secrecy. Well, the door was wide open, and some of the envelopes were sitting right there! So we took them. And we do have the results for you right now:
For Best Actor: Sylvester Stallone!
Best Actress: Faye Dunaway, for “Network.
And Best Movie: “All The President’s Men”.
To all the directors, we’re sorry. We couldn’t find your envelope. And to all you viewers, enjoy the show Monday. But you’ll find out that we were right!
Jane Curtin: At a Washington press conference this week, Secretary of Agriculture Bob Birdwin(?) discussed milk price supports. When asked what he thought of President Carter’s decision to raise prices, Birdwin blew his nose in a Dixie cup.
And our final story tonight is a touching one, as Iceberg, the popular polar bear in the London Zoo, gave birth this week to a baby who was named Snowflake by the keepers. It was the 67,000th such birth in captivity, and of no importance to anyone whatsoever!
Jane Curtin: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 2: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
April 9th, 1977 Julian Bond Tom Waits Brick None Patti Smith Al Franken Tom Davis Michael O’Donoghue Emily Litella in LoveSummary: Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) tells Jane Curtin that her lover makes her feel like a “national” woman. Recurring Characters: Emily Litella. Transcript
Montage
Julian Bond’s MonologueSummary: Sen. Julian Bond ponders the reasons why he might have been asked to host “Saturday Night Live”. Transcript
H&L BrockSummary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) has time to do your taxes because he’s doing time himself. Recurring Characters: Lowell Brock. Transcript
Black PerspectiveSummary: Garrett Morris and Julian Bond discuss the differences in IQ between light and dark-skinned blacks. Transcript
An Oval OfficeSummary: Julian Bond and Andrew Young (Garrett Morris) confront President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd). Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Amy Carter, Andrew Young. Transcript
Tom Waits performs “Eggs & Sausages”
Dr. X, Family CounsellorSummary: Dr. X (Dan Aykroyd) meets with a family. Recurring Characters: Colleen. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: The landing of a Concorde SST drowns out Jane Curtin. Transcript
Right On Afro LustreSummary: The lustre that comes in a canister shaped like a fist. Transcript
Great Moments In MotownSummary: Club Owner (Julian Bond) likes the new Motown group (Garrett Morris, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray), but wants to see hand gestures added to the performance. Transcript
Creeley’s SoupSummary: A little girl (Gilda Radner) is tortured by the Soup Man (Bill Murray). Transcript
Bad CinemaSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) reviews the film, “Ooh-La-La! Les Legs!” Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Truman Capote, Lina Wertmuller.
Brick performs “Dazz”
The FarbersSummary: Larry (John Belushi) and Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) acknowledge their neighborhood’s racial tolerance towards Julian Bond. Recurring Characters: Larry Farber, Bobbie Farber.
Mr. Mike Meets Uncle RemusSummary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) tells Uncle Remus (Garrett Morris) the story of Brer Rabbit. Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike. Transcript
Patti SmithSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Patti Smith talks about censorship.
Alabama ImprovementsSummary: George Wallace (John Belushi) delineates improvements to the South’s bad image. Transcript
Leonard Pinth-Garnell…..Dan Aykroyd Truman Capote…..John Belushi Lina Wurtmuller…..Laraine Newman T. Lazlo de Wizzen…..Julian Bond
[ open on title slide: “Bad Cinema” ]
[ Music: classical piano – “March of the Lunatics” ]
Announcer: And now it’s time for “Bad Cinema”, with your host — Leonard Pinth-Garnell.
[ music fades, as the scene dissolves onto Leonard Pinth-Garnell seated in a director’s chair surrounded by film reels ]
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Hello, I’m Leonard Pinth-Garnell, and welcome once again to “Bad Cinema”. We have a terrible film for you tonight. Before we actually roll the film, I’d like to introduce our distinguished panel. We have, uh, with us — we’re delighted to have — author Truman Capote, who joins us tonight fresh from his debut as a bad actor.[ Capote smirks and nods ]
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: And with us, also, tonight — just joining us — Hello, Lina.
[ Laraine Newman enters the stage late ]
Lina Wurtmuller: [ quietly, due to not having a lapel microphone ] I’m so sorry.
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: That’s quite alright. Do you have — do you have the proper amplification? A microphone?
Lina Wurtmuller: Sorry.
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: I think there’s a small microphone on your chair. [ Lina grabs her lapel microphone and clips it on ] Thank you. If you could just clip it on.
Lina Wurtmuller: Very good!
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Ah! With us, is Italian filmmaker Lina Wurtmuller, who, if she is given a few more years and continued complete artistic control, may well turn out to be one of the world’s leading BAD filmmakers. And we also welcome T. Lazlo de Wizzen, cinema noir critic for Jet magazine. He also holds a chair at Viscount College, where he teaches a workshop in BAD lighting.
[ Wizzen shakes his fist in triumph ]
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: I feel confident… that tonight’s selected bad film really BITES it! It was one of the worst works of Henri Heimeau, one of the very worst of the new breed of bad filmmakers to come out of Le College de Cinema Movec. Poorly conceived, dreadfully executed, we are proud to present Henri Heimeau’s “ooh-la-la! les legs!” Let’s roll the film, shall we?
[ Leonard Pinth-Garnell starts up the projector ]
[ dissolve to the film’s opening titles: a couple dancing before the Eiffel Tower, groups of people dancing around statues, various close-ups of Suzi’s legs, etc. ]
[ credits:
“ooh-la-la! les legs!”
un film de Henri Heimeau
Avec “Suzi” et Les Six ]
[ dissolve back to the projector as the film finishes ]
[ wide shot reveals Leonard Pinth-Garnell clapping, as members of the panel can be heard blowing raspberries ]
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: Terrible! Terrible! That wasn’t so good, was it? Panel. Truman.
Truman Capote: Yeah. Well, that was dazling turgid. A gem. A gem. It’s a treasure. Tell me, Leonard, where on Earth did you find it? Some of the WORST Heimeau I have ever seen! “ooh-la-la! les legs!” is a classic! It’s exquisitely bad! In Heimeau’s two-year search for his isi, he dredged up a perfect little actress — Suzi! She was the pits!
Lina Wurtmuller: Yes. You know, I know Heimeau very well, and his most dominant theme in his work is the twisting woman motif, in which he never fails to nauseate me thoroughly. And you must understand, I can tell you he chooses a girl he knows will be hostile and cooperative and disrespectful throughout the entire production! Adn the colors! He really knows how to abuse his pinks, it was nauseating!
T. Lazlo de Wizzen: Well, uh, Leonard, I don’t know if I have anything to contribute because my speciality in cinema critique is bad 3-D insect fear films of the ’60’s… and… this was one of the WORST 3-D insect fear films that I have ever seen.
Truman Capote: Oh, Lazlo! I didn’t know you were into, uh, bad 3-D insect fear films. Quelle coincedence! Oh! I just happen to have a VAST collection of bad 3-D insect fear films! Why don’t you come over for a private screening sometime?
Leonard Pinth-Garnell: I’m sure you gentlemen can work something out. Thank you so much, panel. I’m sorry that Henri Heimeau could not be with us tonight to view his film. I’m pleased to tell you, however, that he is presently employed as a chef at the Hotel Blaine Schiller in Paris, and is reputedly the worst cook in Paris. Next week on “Bad Cinema”, join me for an even worse film — Udja Corrada’s “Love on a Pin”. Until then, this is Leonard Pinth-Garnell saying good night.
[ he drops the film reel into a wastebasket near his foot ]
Air Date:
Summary: Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) tells Jane Curtin that her lover makes her feel like a “national” woman.
Summary: Sen. Julian Bond ponders the reasons why he might have been asked to host “Saturday Night Live”.
Summary: Lowell Brock (John Belushi) has time to do your taxes because he’s doing time himself.
Summary: Garrett Morris and Julian Bond discuss the differences in IQ between light and dark-skinned blacks.
Summary: Julian Bond and Andrew Young (Garrett Morris) confront President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd).
Summary: Dr. X (Dan Aykroyd) meets with a family.
Summary: The landing of a Concorde SST drowns out Jane Curtin.
Summary: The lustre that comes in a canister shaped like a fist.
Summary: Club Owner (Julian Bond) likes the new Motown group (Garrett Morris, John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray), but wants to see hand gestures added to the performance.
Summary: A little girl (Gilda Radner) is tortured by the Soup Man (Bill Murray).
Summary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) reviews the film, “Ooh-La-La! Les Legs!”
Summary: Larry (John Belushi) and Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) acknowledge their neighborhood’s racial tolerance towards Julian Bond.
Summary: Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) tells Uncle Remus (Garrett Morris) the story of Brer Rabbit.
Summary: George Wallace (John Belushi) delineates improvements to the South’s bad image.
