Garrett Morris: Good evening, and welcome to “Black Perspective”. I’m your host, Garrett Morris. Tonight our guest is Mr. Julian Bond, and we’ll be talking about the myths surrounding black I.Q. Specifically, the myth that whites are inherently more intelligent than blacks.
Julian Bond: Good evening, Garrett.
Garrett Morris: Now, Julian, perhaps you could explain something to me. In all these studies comparing black I.Q. to white I.Q., what kind of test is used to measure I.Q.’s in the first place?
Julian Bond: Well, this is the major problem with these studies. The measurements of I.Q. which form the basis of comparison come from tests composed by whites for whites. The tests are culturally biased; it’s not surprising that whites would score better than blacks.
Garrett Morris: Could you give us an example of what you’re talking about?
Julian Bond: Certainly. Here are some questions that have appeared on recent I.Q. tests. Number one: “You have been invited over for cocktails by the officer of your trust fund. Cocktails begin at 4:30, but you must make an appearance at a 6:00 formal dinner at the Yacht Club. What do you do about dress? A. Wear your blue-striped seersucker suit to cocktails and change into your tuxedo in the bathroom, apologizing to your host for the inconvenience. B. Wear your tuxedo to cocktails, apologizing to your host for wearing a dinner jacket before 6:00 PM. C. Walk to the subway at Columbus Circle and take the “A” Train uptown.”
Garrett Morris: Uh.. I guess I’d choose the last one.
Julian Bond: I’m sorry, that’s incorrect.
Garrett Morris: Damn.
Julian Bond: Here’s another: “When waxing your skis for a cross-country run, you should…”
Garrett Morris: [ interrupting ] Well, I think I understand the problem with the tests. But the fact is that people have been saying that white people are smarter than black for hundreds of years. We’ve only had I.Q. tests for 20 or 30 years. How did the idea of white intellectual superiority originate?
Julian Bond: That’s an interesting point. My theory is that it’s based on the fact that light-skinned blacks are smarter than dark-skinned blacks.
Garrett Morris: [ not sure he heard that right ] Say what?
Julian Bond: I said I think it might have grown out of the observation that light-skinned blacks are smarter than dark-skinned blacks.
Garrett Morris: I don’t get it.
Julian Bond: It’s got nothing to do with having white blood. It’s just that descendants of the lighter-skinned African tribes are more intelligent than the descendants of the darker-skinned tribes. Everybody knows that.
Garrett Morris: This is the first time I’ve heard of it.
Julian Bond: Seriously? It was proven a long time ago.
Garrett Morris: Well, I still don’t quite understand. We’re out of time right now, but perhaps you could come back on the show again and explain it further.
Julian Bond: There’s very little to explain – it’s just like I told you.
Garrett Morris: Well, we are out of time. Good night. [ to Julian ] If you could repeat it just once more…
[ pull out, with SUPER: “It’s 1977 — Do You Know Where Your Children Are?” ]
Lowell Brock: Hi, I’m Lowell Brock for H&L Brock. Not to be confused with H&R Block, our competitors. Usually it’s my brother Henry who does these commercials. Henry is the actor of the family. I’m the accountant. I do all the work. So here’s some more of my seventeen reasons why you should let me do your taxes. Reason #10. I take the time.
[ SUPER: “I Take The Time” ]
At H&L Brock, I take the time to do your taxes correctly – no matter how long it takes. And if there is a problem with the IRS, I’ll represent your claim. Why? Reason #11. I have the time.
[ SUPER: “I Have The Time” ]
Other tax firms aren’t interested in standing behind their work. I do. I have to. Why? Reason #12. I’m donig time.
[ SUPER: “I’m Doing Time” ]
[ camera pulls back to reveal Brock has been speaking from inside a jail cell ]
Yes, I’m doing time. About 10 to 20 years for fraud, forgery, and attempted bribes of IRS officials, which is another reason that i’m rarely seen on television. Even if I got out for good behavior in seven years, I still have plenty of time to prepare your returns. So why pay costly taxes when you don’t have to? Come down to H&L Brock tomorrow. Visiting hours are from 9:30 to 4:00, every other Thursday. [ runs tin cup along bars ] Guard! [ Guard enters ] Guard, your short form is finished. Now, how about those cigarettes? [ Guard hands him pack of cigarettes ]
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman Andrew Young…..Garrett Morris …..Sen. Julian Bond
[ open on art card: “An Oval Office” ]
[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]
[ President Jimmy Carter sits at his desk, swamped with paperwork, as Amy Carter sits Indian-style on the floor singing to a Negro rag doll ]
President Jimmy Carter: Amy, dear — would you mind, uh, going to play someplace else? Daddy has a lot of work to do here, okay?
Amy Carter: Ohhh… [ she stands and approaches the desk ] Alright, I’ll go somewhere else. [ pouting ] It’s always United States FIRST, and Amy SECOND!
President Jimmy Carter: Well, I’m sorry, Amy, maybe we can… do something tomorrow.
Amy Carter: Well, you promised last November to take me to see “King Kong”!
President Jimmy Carter: I’ll do a study on it — I need more time.
Amy Carter: You made HUNDREDS of promises, and you hardly kepy ANY!
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Amy! I’ve only been President for three months. Now, skeedaddle, willya?
Amy Carter: Okay. But I hope we don’t go through this six months from now!
[ the intercom buzzes ]
President Jimmy Carter: Hello?
Secretary’s Voice: United Nations ambassador Andrew Young and Georgia legislator Julian Bond are here, and would like to talk to you.
President Jimmy Carter: Well, send them right in! This is an open White House! [ turns to Amy ] Okay, Amy — why don’t you take your little black golliwog doll out the back way?
Amy Carter: Okay.
[ Amy exits the Oval Office from a side door, as Carter adjusts his cardigan and greets his guests ]
President Jimmy Carter: Well, hi! Welcome to the White House! Andy! What’s happenin’?
[ Carter and Andrew Young slap skin together ]
Andrew Young: Hi, Jimmy! Look, uh — I know you remember Julian from your days as governor, and I knew you’d want to give him some time. He was in my office.
President Jimmy Carter: Hi, how are you? [ shakes Bond’s hand ] It’s always good to see somebody from Georgia! How are things down there in the Peach State?
Sen. Julian Bond: The pits, Mr. President.
President Jimmy Carter: Please! Call me “Jimmy”, Julian! [ gives bond a bear hug ] I know — I know back in Georgia we had some disagreements, but now — well, I’m here in the Oval Office, and I’d like to give you a piece of my time, so… whatever you got to say, go ahead!
Sen. Julian Bond: Well, uh, uh, Jimmy — all I wanted to say is, you’ve spent so much time being concerned about the human rights of people in other countries, I think it’s about time you began to worry about the human rights of people right here in your OWN country.
President Jimmy Carter: You know… I’m glad you said that. I’m glad that SOMEBODY is finally picking up the ball onhuman rights, after I started it rolling. You know? [ Bond stands silent, as Young grins shamelessly ] Have I ever shown you the house I grew up in?
Andrew Young: Uh, yes… you sure —
President Jimmy Carter: Come on over here! [ leads the men to a portrait of a log cabin ] It was an authentic log cabin with no running water, and authentic, real Lincoln logs. And it had —
Andrew Young: [ interrupting ] Yeah, yeah, yeah… You know what, Jimmy? Last November, you got the Black vote, now, because you promised, uh, aid to the cities and better housing… you know?
President Jimmy Carter: Mmm-hmm. I know about better housing. That’s a problem I can relate to. Because, in the first years of my life, you see, my family and I… [ he picks up a model replica of a lean-to ] we lived in this little peanut shell lean-to here. It’s made entirely out of peanut shell. [ he puts the model down ] Did I ever tell you, gentlemen, that my Mother, Lillian, once touched a leper? [ he stretches his arms out to grab both men’s shoulders ]
Andrew Young: Uh — uh — yes, Jimmy, you did tell me that.
[ Carter returns to his desk ]
President Jimmy Carter: Hey, you know what? We’re having a… showing of the American Film Archives tonight, and we’re showing “The Golddiggers of 1932”. Maybe you’d like to come along and see it?
Andrew Young: Ohhh…
Sen. Julian Bond: I don’t know that film.
Andrew Young: Me, either.
President Jimmy Carter: “Golddiggers of 1932”. Does the name… “Ruby Keeller” strike a familiar note? [ both men remain silent, so Carter chuckles ] A little sense of humor! You know, I’m trying to… keep jokes in the White House, you know?
Sen. Julian Bond: Well, we, uh, appreciate it a great deal, Mr. President, but… you promised to imclude more Minority Cabinet members. Well, the Ford administration had ONE Black, and you’ve got just one Black: Patricia Harris.
President Jimmy Carter: Now, hold it a minute! You count Andy here, I’ve got TWO!
Andrew Young: Uh — Jimmy, I’m not really in the Cabinet. [ taps Bond’s arm ] BUT… Julian… I am important around here, and I get to SAY… almost anything I want.
Sen. Julian Bond: [ to Carter ] Well… you promised to appoint more women to the Cabinet. Ford had one woman, and you’ve got one woman: and, again, it’s Patricia Harris.
President Jimmy Carter: [ nods solemnly, then, changing the subject: ] Gentlemen, have I ever shown you this? [ looks down ] You know, when we very young, we didn’t have a place to live, really, and, uh… my parents kept me in this show box here. [ he lifts up a shoe box and removes the lid ]
Andrew Young: Yes, Jimmy! You showed me that — you showed me that before!
Sen. Julian Bond: Mr. President! Please! Can we get down to some —
President Jimmy Carter: Hey, please! Come on! [ wraps his arm around Bond’s shoulder ] Call me “Jimmy”, Julian! Please! Call me “Jimmy”! [ his intercom buzzes ] Hello?
Secretary’s Voice: Mr. President, the National Security Council is waiting for you.
President Jimmy Carter: Okay, tell them I’ll be right there! [ to his guests ] Gentlemen, I’m convening on the National Security Council because we’ve just had word of a flagrant violation of human rights. It seems there’s this Turkish sailor — he’s in a prison in Paraguay, and, uh… we have reason to believe that he’s being underfed. So, I think, with the help of the American Cabinet, the President of the American people, and the influence of Coca-Cola and Paraguay… we should be able to do something about it! Thank you, gentlemen, thank you very much for coming by! [ as he heads for the door ] Come by and see me any time, it’s always nice to see ya’!
[ Carter exits the Oval Office ]
Andrew Young: You see that? You see, Julian? I TOLD you: the man really cares!
Sen. Julian Bond: [ in an Amos tone ] He sure do, Andy!
[ pull back from set for wide studio shot, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Is Television The Dead Sea Scroll Of The Future?” ]
Little Girl…..Gilda Radner Voice of Soupman…..Bill Murray
[ open on Little Girl at table eating soup ]
Voice of Soupman: [ from off screen ] Hey, kid.
Little Girl: What?
Voice of Soupman: What’s that you’re eating?
Little Girl: Soup.
Voice of Soupman: Yeah, but what kind of soup?
Little Girl: Vegetable soup.
Voice of Soupman: What kind of vegetable soup?
Little Girl: Aunt Jane Creeley’s Vegetable soup.
Voice of Soupman: Of course it is. And do you know what goes into Aunt Jane Creeley’s Vegetable soup?
Little Girl: Vegetables.
Voice of Soupman: That’s right, kid. Aunt Jane’s home grown vegetables. Tomatoes, peas, carrots, green beans, mushrooms, potatoes, and corn. There’s seven in all. Count them.
[ Little Girl takes out some of the vegetables in her soup, puts them on the table, and counts them ]
Little Girl: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
Voice of Soupman: You really like that soup, don’t you?
Little Girl: Uh-huh. More than anything in the whole wide world!
Voice of Soupman: Okay. I’ll give you a brand-new doll for that soup.
Little Girl: No.
Voice of Soupman: All right. How about a brand-new doll and a bicycle?
Little Girl: Uh-uh.
Voice of Soupman: All right. How about a brand-new doll, a bicycle, and tickets to the circus?
Little Girl: [ thinks for a moment ] No! Leave me alone! I’m eating!
Voice of Soupman: You really love your that soup, don’t you?
Little Girl: Mm-hmm.
Voice of Soupman: You see those little pieces of corn in there?
Little Girl: Yeah?
Voice of Soupman: Well take them out and stuff them into your nose.
Little Girl: [ puzzled at being asked ] Why?
Voice of Soupman: Because the Soupman says so.
[ Little Girl picks corn out of the soup and sticks them in her nose ]
Little Girl: It hurts!
Voice of Soupman: [ laughs wickedly ] Well, in that case you better take some hot soup and pour it all over your nose.
Little Girl: [ shocked again ] Why?
Voice of Soupman: Because there’s nothing better for a stuffy nose than nice, hot soup.
Little Girl: Why?
Voice of Soupman: Because the Soupman says so.
[ Little Girl painfully does as told, pouring the bowl of soup over her nose. Then, she puts down the bowl and tries to eat whatever soup remains in the bowl ]
Announcer: [ reading slogan on screen ] Creeley’s Soup. The child handler.
[ fade to black ]
[ fade up on audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Has Every Known Annoying Habit” ]
Dr. X … Dan Aykroyd Announcer … Don Pardo Mark … John Belushi Harry … Bill Murray Colleen … Gilda Radner
[A man, in suit and tie, wears an eerie metallic maskwith dark eyeholes, stars and odd rectangular slitscut out of it — sort of a hockey mask from Hell. Withframed diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, hesits at a desk and addresses the camera.]
Dr. X: Hello. I’m Dr. X, Family Counsellor. Familycounseling is a specialized service. My role as aprofessional counselor is to provide a warm, safeatmosphere of trust so that the family can discusstheir problems freely in a comfortable environment.Tonight, please join me as I counsel the “M” family.
[Dissolve to a card that reads: DR. X FamilyCounsellor. We hear grandiose soap opera music and thesound of a beating heart.]
Announcer: And now another case from the files of Dr.X, Family Counsellor.
[Dissolve to Dr. X’s office. A human skeleton standsby a window where sunlight streams in. Dr. X now leanson the front edge of his desk. The “M” family areseated around him: Mark, an obnoxious young boy whochews gum and wears a baseball cap; Harry, the uptightfather, in a business suit; Colleen, theconservatively-dressed mother, who stares into space.]
Dr. X: Hello, Mark. [puts a hand on Mark’s shoulderwhereupon it is casually revealed that Dr. X’s rightarm is, in fact, a bulky prosthetic device] Hello,Harry. Hello, Colleen. I’m glad that all of you couldcome here today. This is a place to grow, to solveproblems. And we can only do this by talking andcommunicating. I want each of you to feel free to sayanything at all that comes into your mind.
Mark: Where’d ya get that mask?!
Harry: Mark!
Dr. X: [to Harry] It’s all right. [to Mark] Mask? Iguess you mean this mask, Mark. Well, uh, everyone hasan image or a false front in life, Mark. Um, everyonewears a mask.
Mark: Yeah, sure. But not a silver mask with holes init like that one!
Harry: [angry] Mark! [Harry bolts out of his seat andattacks Mark, shouting and strangling his son; Dr. Xpulls Harry away and forces him back to his chair]
Mark: Leave me alone!
Dr. X: All right. Let him have his own space, Harry.That might be part of the problem. He needs breathingspace. [matter-of-fact, to Mark] Mark, fair enough.It’s a question. I’ll answer it. I’ll tell you where Igot the mask. Remember that massive spill of lethalradioactive materials near Beatty, Nevada in 1956?Well, Mark– [starts screaming horribly; Mark andHarry reach out to comfort him]
Mark: Hey! Dr. X! Take it easy!
Dr. X: [sudden calm sing-song] Oh, nothing …[recovers] I’ll be all right. Released a little of myown trauma there. Thank you. [back to business as ifnothing had happened] Harry, what do you see as thesource of the problem in your family now?
Harry: Well, it’s this kid. [points to Mark] He’s myson. He’s rude — you heard him. He’s a rotten kid.Besides, he never listens to his mother. Right,Colleen? [Colleen, who has barely moved, continues tostare into space]
Dr. X: Harry, the boy might just need some elbow room,freedom to express himself. [playfully rubs Mark’sbaseball cap with his prosthetic device] You know,freedom–
Mark: Hey! Where’d ya get that arm?!
Harry: Hey! You fool! [bolts out of his seat,shouting, and punches Mark; Dr. X once again,intervenes and guides Harry back to his chair]
Harry: [yells at Mark] You wanna try the old man?[sits down] You wanna try the old man?
Dr. X: All right. Harry! [calmly, to Mark] I guess youmean this arm. Well, Mark, fair enough. I’ll tell you.Remember in 1958 when the Air Force tried to cover upthat bad rocket sled accident? Well, Mark, I happenedto be the WAAAAAH!– [screams horribly and cries; Markand Harry try to comfort him]
Mark: Dr. X! What’s wrong? What’s wrong, Dr. X?
Dr. X: [sudden calm sing-song] Oh, nothing ….[recovers, acts as if nothing’s happened] Harry,you’ve got a– Well, Colleen, you’ve chosen to remainsilent here. [Colleen still stares into space] Markand Harry have said things. I’d like to know how youfeel.
Harry: She’s fine. [puts an arm around her] Aren’tyou, honey? [kisses her head; she’s unresponsive buthe holds her and touches her affectionately]
Dr. X: Well, she’s not saying a word, Harry.
Harry: She’s good. She’s fine. She’s just fine,she’s–
Dr. X: I think she’s catatonic, Harry. You’ve gottaface up! Now, you came here pretending that it wasMark who needed the treatment when in fact your wifeneeds the counseling and treatment. My colleague, Dr.R. D. Laing, might say that you and Mark are “incollusion.” You’re reinforcing the false reality thatColleen is normal and non-catatonic.
Harry: Come on. She’s just shy, Doctor.
Dr. X: Harry! Harry, wake up and smell the coffee! Thewoman’s vegged out! She’s null and void! It’s – it’s -it’s simple: Jack marries Jill, Jill has Joey, Jill isa veg, Jack won’t admit it, Joey plays along. What doyou think, Mark? [playfully touches Mark’s cap withhis prosthetic device]
Mark: She vegged out! How do you eat with that maskon?
Dr. X: Back off, Mark. I use tubes. And liquidprotein! [again screams horribly; again Mark and Harrytry to comfort him]
Mark: Hey! Dr. X! What’s wrong? Lighten up!
Dr. X: [calm sing-song] Oh, nothing …
Mark: Hey, can you drive a stick shift with that arm?[Harry threatens to attack Mark again but Dr. X waveshim back]
Dr. X: Mark–
Mark: You know, Dr. X–
Dr. X: I happen to own a Lamborghini Miura, a veryexpensive five speed automobile. Yes, I can drive astick shift.
Mark: You’re a freak, you know that?
Dr. X: Thank you.
Mark: But, you know, you’re weird, you know? You’vebeen through some heavy stuff, man, you know? I’d liketo hang out with you if I can.
Dr. X: Mark, you could come here and work at theclinic with me if you wanted to. Would that be allright, Harry?
Harry: Ho ho, if you think you can do something withthis kid, take him. I’d love to get him off my hands.
Dr. X: All right. I think that’s a – a – a goodwork-out of the problem here. [Mark claps his handshappily, Harry sarcastically waves goodbye to Mark] IfMark starts work, then he can, uh– I’ll give him someelbow room, some free space and he can just relax …
Mark: Oh, great!
Dr. X: You can go and start work in the lab right now.[points to a nearby door] Go ahead and, uh, Glindawill give you a lab coat.
Mark: [rises, heads for door] Thanks a lot, Doc! Seeya later, folks! Nice workin’ with ya!
[As Mark exits out the door, we hear a strange buzzingsound coming from the lab.]
Dr. X: [to Harry] We have to work these problems out.And, uh …
[From behind the closed lab door, we hear the strangebuzzing, Mark screaming, a dog barking, more buzzing.]
Harry: [after glancing at Colleen] Hey, X, what’sgoing on in there?
Dr. X: [calm sing-song] Ohhhhhh, nothinnnng …
[We hear an offscreen voice say, “Start your crane” asDr. X retreats behind his desk and we hear again histheme music combined with the sound of a beatingheart. A superimposition reads: DR. X FamilyCounsellor.]
Announcer: Join us next week for another case with Dr.X, Family Counsellor.
[Dr. X awkwardly tries to pick up a phone from hisdesk with his fake hand and Mark puts his arm aroundColleen as we crane and pan up off the set to revealthe applauding audience and zoom in on onebespectacled woman who peers down at the actors below.A superimposition reads: KNOWS WORDS TO “HOLLYWOODSQUARES” THEME MUSIC. A friend, sitting two seatsover, taps her on the arm. The woman looks over andthen up, registering great surprise — “Oh!” — clapsher hands to her mouth and then laughs.]
Julian Bond: That’s the show for tonight. I want to thank all of you here for coming, and, uh, thank my mother, thank my wife, and, uh, particularly than the Not Ready for Prime Time Players, and… thank everyone who made this one of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had in my whole life. Thank you all very much.
[ the cast steps forward to surround Bond on stage ]
[ the credits roll ]
Announcer: Mr. Mike was played by Michael O’Donoghue. Next Saturday night, our host will be Elliot Gould with musical guests Rosalyn Kind and the MacGarrigle Sisters. This is Don Pardo! Look for me in the Easter parade tomorrow — I’ll be dressed as a baby duck! Good night.
[ open on Emily Litella sitting in the locker room plucking the petals off of a daisy ]
Emily Litella: He loves me… he loves me not…
[ Jane Curtin enters and sits ]
Jane Curtin: Hi, Emily!
Emily Litella: Ohhh!! Oh, Jane, you scared me! I thought it was one of the boys trying to sneaking into the dressing room and get a look at my panties!
Jane Curtin: Emily, are you okay?
Emily Litella: Oh, Jane… can I confide in you?
Jane Curtin: Woman to woman?
Emily Litella: Yes. [ beaming ] I’ve just met this LOVELY man, and — and he’s really got the BEST of me!
Jane Curtin: [ chuckles pleasantly ] Emily! You and a man? That’s incredible!
Emily Litella: [ annoyed ] What’s so incredible about it?!!
Jane Curtin: Well… nothing, I — I just thought that you were past that, you know —
Emily Litella: Just because a woman’s over 40 doesn’t mean she can’t get HOT! What’s the matter with you?!
Jane Curtin: I didn’t mean anything by it. Oh, by the way — have you prepared anything for tonight’s “Weekend Update”?
Emily Litella: Oh, Jane, I was meaning to speak to you about that. No! I haven’t — I can’t think of anything to talk about.
Jane Curtin: Emily, “Update” goes on in a half an hour!
Emily Litella: Well, I know, but, you see, I have other things on my mind.
Jane Curtin: Like what?
Emily Litella: Love.
Jane Curtin: Oh, that’s terrific, Emily. But it stil doesn’t solve my “Update” problem.
Emily Litella: But, Jane, don’t you understand? I’m in LOVE! All I can do is THINK about him! I’m HOT! Red Hot! I mean… you can melt BUTTER all over prts of my body! I mean, my heart’s beating in places it’s never beaten before!
Jane Curtin: Okay, okay, okay…
Emily Litella: But, Jane, you see, this man really brings out the ANIMAL in me! I mean… [ singing ] “He makes me feel… He makes me feel… He makes me feel like a nat-ion-al woman!”
Julian Bond: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I guess that, uh, many of you are probably wondering why a Georgia state senator is hosting a television comedy show. Frankly, ever since I came up here, I’ve been wondering about it myself. A number of possible reasons why entered my mind:
This is a show known for its free-swinging humor, for taking shots at the political establishment, for making fun of things that… other people don’t make fun of. I had hoped that the people here knew that that was my record, too, as an anti-war and civil rights activist, and as a person who for nearly twenty years has tried to stand up for the underprivileged and unrepresented. I thought they may have known that I was the first Black to have his name placed in nomination for Vice-President, at the ’68 Convention in Chicago. I was sure they remembered my work in voter registration in the South.
This acknowledgment of, uh, a sometimes struggling life made me feel rather proud, but… after I got up here, and I met the people associated with the show, and… after I realized the time and the talent that goes into putting this effort together every week, I realized there was much more to it than my memories of yesterday or the… the common hopes and dreams that all of us share for the future. There was much, much more.
These people had me come all the way up here from Atlanta to… to be their Chocolate Easter Bunny.
Club Owner…..Julian Bond Clement…..Garrett Morris Singer 1…..Dan Aykroyd Fontaine Park…..John Belushi Singer 2…..Bill Murray
[ open on art card: “Great Moments in Motown” ]
[ dissolve to club interior, Club Owner’s back to the camera as a Motown quartet, comprised of a Black lead singer with three white backing vocalists, perform on stage ]
[ SUPER: “The Lilac Club, Detroit 1968” ]
Clement: [ singing ] “Girl! You’ve given me everything, that money, can’t bu-u-uyy! And! It’s only on your account, that my interest, has stayed so hi-i-ighh!”
Group: [ singing ] “You! Are my per-son-al sav-ings and loan!
I want to with-draw, your, de-vo-tion! And de-pos-it, my e-mo-tion! Say, I feel like a rich man With only you, baby, to si-i-i-i-ignn! YES!! I’m driving on the way to the Love Bank! Love Bank…!”
Club Owner: Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Stop!
[ cut to Club Owner, as the group continues their harmony ]
Club Owner: Come on, stop! Stop, stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! There’s something wrong here! There’s something wrong here!
[ the group stops completely ]
Clement: What’s wrong, man?
Club Owner: There’s something seriously wrong here! I’m giving you kids a break, I’m letting you work in my club, I’m paying you good money… I’m giving you my professional opinion, and I know what I’m talking about!
Clement: Y-yeah… so?
Club Owner: So I’m telling you you’re opening here tonight, and there’s something wrong! You just don’t look like you belong in a night club!
Singer 1: Well, I want to tell YOU something, Mr. Night Club Manager! You know what’s wrong?! You know what the problem is?! The problem is… we should all be wearing VESTS!
Club Owner: Oh, man! I’m talking about — I’m talking about your performance! That’s what I’m talking about, is your performance! For one thing — Fontaine?
Fontaine Park: What?
Club Owner: I can hear you breathe! You’re breathing in ALL the wrong places! You have to sing when everyone else sings! Breathe when everyone else breathes!
Fontaine Park: Hey, man! Don’t you be tellin’ me how to BREATHE, man! No one’s gonna be telling Fontaine Park how to BREATHE… because he is a self-breather! You dig?
Singer 2: I’m with you, man! When I was with Fontaine, and he was breathing, I was saying, “Hey, Fontaine! You’re breathing all wrong! You gotta change! You can’t breathe like that, you gotta change, you’re breathing the wrong way!” And he wouldn’t!
Fontaine Park: And I want you to remember something else… alright? Fontaine Park… almost KILLED a man!
Singer 2: Ah, he would’ve, too… only… he didn’t! [ he laughs ]
Club Owner: Look here! Fontaine, outside this room — when you’re outside this room, you can breathe any way you want.
Fontaine Park: Yeah.
Club Owner: But when you’re in MY club, and you’re breathing MY air, I want you to breathe it MY way! Or you can forget ALL of those free Whiskey Sours to go! Yuo understand?
Fontaine Park: Yeah, yeah…
Club Owner: Okay, let’s hear the next verse.
Clement: Right! [ singing ] “All, of my fri-i-i-iends, they say that I am really du-u-u-umbbb…”
Club Owner: Hold it! Hold it, hold it, hold it! Hold it, that’s it! I know it, that’s what’s missing, it’s the gestures! The hand gestures! That night when I signed you, when you were singing in front of Coball Hall before the concert? You were using all kinds of hand gestures! Now why’d you cut ’em out?
Singer 1: Like… the night you signed us up in front of Coball Hall… we were singing, but, like, mainly we was working for the parking lot, parking cars, directing traffic. Like, THAT’S what you saw.
Club Owner: Well… whatever it was, it looked really slick. Let me see ’em again.
Clement: Okay, okay, okay… [ singing ] But, I heard a blind man say that he, just, could not see-ee-ee. That don’t have nothin’ to do, with you, or me-ee-ee.
Club Owner: Okay, that’s great! That’s just great! We’re gonna leave the moves in!
Clement: Hey, like, wait a minute, man! You know, like, I am the lead singer, okay, man? And, like, the audience won’t be looking at me, man, you know? But how’s anybody gonna pay any attention to one guy singing, man, when these guys are jiggling? Yuo know what I mean?
Club Owner: Be practical, Clemont!
Clement: Clemont?
Club Owner: The jiggling is part of the act! It’s like the old —
Clement: Clement, man!
Club Owner: [ still not correcting himself ] Clemont. It’s like the old three-ring circus philosophy. If they don’t like the elephant on his hind legs in the MAIN ring, maybe they’ll go for the three little monkeys riding bicycles next door.
Clement: The little monkeys, huh? [ the other members start dancing ] Well, listen, listen, monkeys! Listen, monkeys! Now, you do what you want, monkeys, but you KNOW what dancing in a line on stage makes you look like — especially to the female element of the audience?
Fontaine Park: Like what?!
Clement: Sweet boys. That’s what. Sweet boys! Chocolate on the inside, marshmallow on the outside — ha ha ha!! Sweet boooooyyys!
Singer 1: Now, you dig THIS, sucker!! Don’t you call ME no sweet boy!! I got FIVE girls pregnant!! February 1st, February 10th, February 11th, February 15th, and February 30th!
Clement: February 30th, man? What you…?
Singer 1: Don’t you go penalizing me on no TRICK month!!
Fontaine Park: Oh, I, Fontaine Park, I have been around! You hear me? I ain’t no sweetboy! Why, for six whole months, I’ve been totally satisfying a dee-vorced… exotic dancer!
Singer 2: Oh, I, too, either! You know, I been around, too! For the last six whole months, I’ve been listening to HIM talk about satisfying a divorced exotic dancer! You know what I’m saying?
Club Owner: Okay, then in that case, there’s nothing in the whole world that can make ANY of you look like sweetboys, does it?
Group: No! No!
Club Owner: Have those conk jobs [?] sunk in through your brains? Look — right now, you’re doing four shows a night, plus six shows a night on weekends, and Sundays all you have to do is come in and clean up around the club a little bit. And for ALL that, I’m giving the group $100 to split among all of you, a week. Right?
Group: Right. Right. Right.
Club Owner: Okay. now, if you add the hand gestures, I’ll make it $150.
[ the group reacts with great surprise ]
Clement: $150..?
Club Owner: Now, keeping that in mind — keeping that in mind, what am I going to see on that stage tonight?
[ the backing singer perofrm their gestures as Clement sings ]
Clement: [ singing ] “So, fiddlely-fi, fiddlely-fum You made a man out of what was once a bum!”
Group: [ singing ] “I want to with-draw, your de-vo-tion Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! And de-pos-it, my e-mo-tion! Say, I feel like a rich man With only you, baby, to si-i-i-i-ignn! YES!! I’m driving on the way to the Love Bank! Love Bank! Baby, baby, to the Love Bank! Love Bank! Yeah, yeah, to the Love Bank…!”
Mr. Mike Meets Uncle Remus Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mr. Mike…..Michael O’Donaghue Uncle Remus…..Garrett Morris
Announcer: “Mr. Mike’s Least Loved Bedtime Tales” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.
[ open on interior, Uncle Remus’ log cabin from “Song of the South” ]
[ hear sound of car door opening and closing, followed by second car door opening ]
Mr. Mike: [ outside ] I’ll just be a minute, driver.. [ hear door close, as he enters the log cabin ] Hey, Uncle Remus, how are you? Good to see you.
Uncle Remus: I’se mighty hpapy to make yo’ acquaintance, Mr. Mike. Y’all come in an’ make yo’self to home.
Mr. Mike: Here? Not likely. [ sits down ] Listen, I just dropped by to tell you one of my Least-Loved Bedtime Tales. It’s about your old buddy, Brer Rabbit.
Uncle Remus: Brer Rabbit? Why, ah loves dat floppy-eared rascal, Mr. Mike! An’ if ah knows Brer Rabbit, he’s a-cookin’ up some devilment, ain’t he?
Mr. Mike: He sure is, Uncle Remus. He’s off to trick somebody out of their chickens or something – God knows what – going down the road, hppity-hoppity, hippity-hoppity..
Uncle Remus: An’, an’ den he sees dis here Tarbaby, right, Mr. Mike? An’ Brer Rabbit, dat ole scalywag.. he done up an’ wallop him one an’ gits hisself all stuck in de tar, an’ den..
Mr. Mike: Excuse me. Excuse me, Uncle Remus. There is no Tarbaby. In my story, the Tarbaby was used to repair a pothole. No, you see, Brer Rabbit is going down the road, hippity-hoppity, hippity-hoppity, when he’s caught by Brer Fox and Brer Bear.
Uncle Remus: Oh, ah knows, Mr. Mike. An’ den they threaten to skin him alive but dat ole crafty rabbit, he say: “Skin me alive; do anything you want, but don’t throw me in de briar patch!” So dey throws him in de briar patch an’ he gits away! [ laughs ]
Mr. Mike: No, not quite, Uncle Remus. In my story, they respect his wishes and skin him alive. I mean, it’s all very amusing to talk about being skinned alive in some children’s book, but can you imagine it actually going down? Toward the end, when they were cutting the ears away from the side of the skull, he was screaming: “Throw me in the briar patchl throw me in the molten glass furnace; anything but this!”
Uncle Remus: Oh, dat’s just terrible, Mr. Mike. An’ den what happen?
Mr. Mike: He died and they ate him.
Uncle Remus: Dey ate Brer Rabbit?!! Oh, Lawdy!
Mr. Mike: Yeah, and sold his feet for lucky charms. The end.
Uncle Remus: “De end?!” But, but, Mr. Mike, what am de moral of your fable?
Mr. Mike: There’s no moral, Uncle Remus, just random acts of meaningless violence.
Uncle Remus: Ah doan think I likes dat. Ah doan thinks ah likes dat one bit.
Mr. Mike: [ getting up to leave ] Oh, by the way, I found this dead bluebird outside your shack. [ holds up bloody and decomposed dead bluebird ]
Uncle Remus: Why, Mr. Mike, it’s de bluebird of happiness!
Mr. Mike: Yeah, and from the looks of it, it’s been there tow or three weeks. Put that on your shoulder, pal. [ puts dead bluebird on Uncle Remus’ shoulder, then exits the log cabin. Hear sound of car door opening. ] Regine’s, and step on it.
[ hear door closing and car driving away, as Uncle Remus stares despondently at the bluebird ]
