[ art card: “Gary Weis Down South” over photo of Gary Weis ] [ dissolve to film, a montage of Dixie-related signs over traditional Dixie music ] [ wide shot of Dixie TV, zoom forward ] [ close-up of Dixie truck as it rolls westward on the street ] [ Dixie ] [ zoom on Dixie Stove Works sign ] [ close-up of rotating Dixie & Associates sign ] [ zoom on Dixie Parking Service ] [ zoom on Dixie Bearings, Inc. clock at 6:10 ] [ Dixie Trucking 94 ] [ three unidentified Dixie signs ] [ close-up of Dixie Auto Parts sign ] [ two unidentified Dixie signs ] [ unidentified man pulls open his shirt to reveal a Dixie Beer t-shirt ] [ close-up of Dixie Art sign ] [ unidentidied Dixie sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Male sign ] [ close-up of Official Shop Service Dixie sign ] [ close-up of Dixie 45 Beer on Tap sign ] [ zoom to close-up of Dixie Mill Supply Co., Inc. sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Welding & Metal Day & Night Service sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Auto sign ] [ alternate Dixie Mill Supply Co., Inc. sign ] [ upward angle of Dixie Hotel sign ] [ quick montage of 14 of the Dixie sign we just saw ] [ dissolve to applauding revelers in the street, zoom to one upbeat male with SUPER: “Smokes Mardi Grass” ] [ fade ]
[ open on close-up of doubloon with Fats Domino’s head on it ]
Announcer: Now, for a limited time only, Telecomm Records presents:
[ doubloon spins around to reveal Garrett Morris’ head on the back side ]
A treasury of Fats Domino, as sung by Garrett Morris!
[ dissolve to Garrett Morris seated at a piano, as he plays the notes for “Blueberry Hill” ]
Garrett Morris: [ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ hits the same set of notes twelve times ]
Hi! I’m Garrett Morris! And, if you act RIGHT NOW, you can get this and many more of the music of Fats Domino, as sung by me, Garrett Morris! You’ll get:
[ singing ] “Ain’t.. that.. a shame!” [ hits the same set of twelve notes from “Blueberry Hill” ]“My tears fell like rain!” [ hits those same twelve notes again ] [ song titles scroll:
Blueberry Hill Jambalaya Domino Twist Please Don’t Leave Me The Fat Man Blue Monday I’m In Love Again I’m Walkin Whole Lot Of Lovin I’m Gonna Be A Wheel Someday I Want to Walk You Home Walking to New Orleans My Girl Josephine ]
Garrett Morris: This, and many, many more of Fats Domino’s wonderful music, sung by a guy who has always loved The Fats! And who tries as much as he can, to sound just a little bit like him! You’ll get:
[ singing ] “Blue Monday” [ hits those same twelve notes on the piano ]“How I hate Blue Monday!” [ same twelve notes ]“All my tiredness, has gone awaaaayyy!!” [ song title scroll repeats itself ]
AND! The best thing about this amazing TV offer, is that the music of Fats Domino as sung by Garrett Morris, is ONLY $49.95! Yes, $49.95! And I even sing Fats’ BIGGEST hit:
[ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ same twelve notes ]
RIGHT on the record! So order NOW, while it’s on demand!
[ singing ] “That’s why I’m walkin’ to New Orleans!” [ same twelve notes ] [ dissolve to doubloon with Garrett’s head on it, and SUPER: “Treasury of Fats Domino, Pier 26, New York, NY 10007” ]
Announcer: Send now, for your own treasury of Fats Domino, sung by Garrett Morris. Pier 26, New York, New York.
Randy Newman: Thank you! Good night! Good night to you all, and now over to Buck and Jane!
[ cut back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Buck Henry: Thank you, Randy. Uh, Jane, you might as well just tell them all.
Jane Curtin: The parade has not been delayed – it doesn’t exist! It never did. “Mardi Gras” is just the French word meaning “no parade.” Good night!
Buck Henry: Thanks, and good night.
[ credits roll, as the crowd cheers ] [ there’s a momentary glimpse of Garrett Morris and the cast and crew standing among a cut sketch — Garett, most noticably, holding up a book that reads “Roots II.” ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next week: Saturday Night’s host will be Steve Martin, with special guests Lily Tomlin and The Kinks. That’s 11:30, 10:30 Central Time. This is Don Pardo. Good night!
[ SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Jane Curtin: And now, in another part of the French Quarter, covering crowd reaction, we take you to Eric Idle.
[ dissolve to Eric Idle, seated at an outdoor table ]
Eric Idle: Bonjour, madame! [ extends his greeting in German ] Hello, and welcome to the Cafe [?], here in the heart of the New Orleans French Quarter. Here, there’s an atmosphere of almost unbelievable gaity — [ glances around the empty outdoor cafe ] and festivity. You can practically smell Mardi Gras here! The atmosphere, for four days, has been a feeling of Carnival, which was, uh, really here up to, uh, well, just a few short minutes ago, uh – before you came over here. [ grins ] The place was literally PACKED with revelers, party makers wearing beads and singing and dancing – it was a real Carnival atmosphere, and we were all having a really fun, fun time — up until a couple of moments ago. Literally, crowds of people were literally thronging [?] these streets, literally hundreds of GAY — uh, happy — folks were.. LURKING all over the place! What a pity, they’ve all gone.
Well, as you can see, the Carnival gaity, right now, seems to becoming also more fun here, as, in fact, from elsewhere. So let’s go, right away, over somewhere else! [ taps his earpiece ] Well, in fact, they say No. Apparently, we have some little technical problem – ha! – so we must stay here. Ha! Which, in fact, gives me time to tell you that, at the moment, it’s quite quiet here, in the French Quarter. [ glances at the emptiness that surrounds him ] Uh, but recently, it’s been much, much, MUCH noisier. Ha ha!
[ looks off to his side ] Well,the reveler over here — I think I can see one — why don’t we just go over right now, and ask what he’s doing here and how he’s enjoying Mardi Gras? [ steps over to a masked reveler seated alone at another table ] Sir, how are you doing enjoying Mardi Gras? [ the reveler falls face first into his food ] Ha! Fine. So, uh – just to recap – ha! – this is, as you know, Mardi Gras, and we are, uh, coming live from it! And we’re having a heck of a lot of fun! You bet.
Uh – Mardi Gras, incidentally, means Fat Tuesday, and is named after the legendary New Orleans singer, Fat Tuesday. He, uh, he was a friend of Fats Domino and Fats Waller – there were three of them, all fat, and one Tuesday. [ breathes heavily ] So! Uh.. a word about the French Quarter: only half of the French Quarter is, in fact, French; another quarter of the French Quarter is not at all French; a hald of the maining quarter is a bit French; and one-quarter of the remaining quarter of the quarter is Polish. [ taps his earpiece ] Ah! Well, I’m very glad to tell you that we can now — [ his smile freezes ] stay here.. a little bit.. longer. So. [ checks his watch ] Ha ha! Ah! [ pulls a postcard out of his jacket ] Incidentally, here – here is a picture of – of one of the parades. It’s a postcard – ha! – uh – this should show you what it’s, in fact, like at the moment! [ points to various points on the postcard ] Ha! Here, you can see Bacchus. Here’s Buck and Jane, over there. [ bounces the postcard up and down ] In fact, if I move it around a little bit, you’ll get some idea of — [ audience cheers ]
Well, it must be really exciting over there by now! Ha! What a pity.. we’re not over there. [ tosses the postcard across the way, then stretches his arm out and begins to sing: ] “If I ruled the world! / Every day would be the first day of Spring! –“
[ the reveler seated facefirst in his food now falls to the pavement, as Idle checks on him ] [ fade ]
…..Jane Curtin …..Buck Henry Jean Lafitte…..Bill MurrayDavid Benoit…..Dan Aykroyd Marie-Claire…..Gilda Radner Worker…..Tom Schiller Worker 2…..Garrett Morris
[ open on Jane Curtin and Buck Henry at the reviewing stand ]
Jane Curtin: New Orleans is really an incredibly beautiful town, isn’t it, Buck?
Buck Henry: Yes, Jane, it is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful city, except.. maybe.. Lake Havasu City.
Jane Curtin: Ah! But most people don’t know that, when they visit New Orleans, it’s not the real New Orleans, but an accurate replica, made of over 45,000 tons of orlioite[?] synthetic polyfiber board, created by the Walt Disney Leisure Group, for use in amusement parks and retirement villas throughout the great nation. Isn’t that fascinating, Buck?
Buck Henry: Very interesting. You know, Jane – at one time — [ he dodges a pair of flying beads ] At one time, New Orleans was the home of pirates, buccaneers – among whom was, perhaps, the most notorious of them all, the infamous pirate Jean Lafitte.
[ dissolve to streetlight on a New Orleans corner ] [ SUPER: “New Orleans 1813, A Visit With Jean Lafitte” ] [ pan out to reveal French Quarter street market crowd, as Jean Lafitte steps forward ]
Jean Lafitte: [ in a thick French accent ] Hello, there! I am Jean Lafitte! This is my home – New Orleans, in the early 19th Century. Please, I invite you to look around – it’s Mardi Gras, and I welcome all of you! But, first, let’s get something straight: A lot of people call me a pirate, you know? In history legends, they say, “The pirate, Jean Lafitte.” [ shakes his head ] I do not consider myself a pirate, you know? I’m a privateer, a cossair[?], a brigham[?], a rogue – you know? Or perhaps, if you will, an independent marine contractor, you know? But not a pirate – NEVER a pirate! I HATE that word: “pirate.” Okay? Come on – let’s take a look around my marketplace. [ steps off to the side, removes his jacket ] As you can see, it’s been a pretty god year for me and my men.
David Benoit: Hello, Jean! You don’t know me – I’m David Benoit, from Bayou Celambe[?]. I just want to say, I’m, uh, one of your brother Pierre’s men! [ shakes Lafitte’s hand ]
Jean Lafitte: Well, it’s nice to have you aboard – it is nice to have good, loyal men, huh?
David Benoit: I-I just want to say that I think that you’re, uh — [ tosses Lafitte’s jacket aside ] you’re one of the finest pirates in all the by-you!
Jean Lafitte: [ frowns ] Look, uh, do not call me a pirate, okay? [ whips out his pistol and shoots Benoit to the ground, then faces the camera ] Look – I’m not a pirate. Call me a privateer, a cossair[?], a bandit – you know? But NEVER a pirate! Okay?
David Benoit: A pirate!
Jean Lafitte: Yeah! Now, I really mean it this time, okay? I’m sorry. Now, pirates attack anything that floats! I’m selective about it! Look, I’ll tell you what I do – here’s how I got it set up. [ takes a piece of paper out of his jacket ] I fly a flag of Argentina, you know? I’ve got letters of mark here, that says I can sink, plunder any ship standing on the Spanish vessel – you know, any Spanish vessel. That’s not piracy. That’s what we call “positive seizure of cargo in transit.”
Marie-Claire: [ trying to get Lafitte’s attention ] Uh – Monsieur Lafitte — Monsieur Lafitte?
Jean Lafitte: What is it, Marie-Claire?
Marie-Claire: Oh, you must tell me, which wine you would prefer with the evening meal — the red, with the;or the white, from your cousin’s vineyard?
Jean Lafitte: And, which would you prefer, my dear?
Marie-Claire: Ohhh. I’d prefer the white wine.
Jean Lafitte: Well, there is one way to settle this, Madam [ whips out his sword ]
Marie-Claire: Ohhhhh! [ grabs a sword of her own ] Watch your feet, Lafitte!
[ she whips the sword towards his feet, but he dodges it by leaping into the air. The clash their swords together several time, until she knocks his sword to the ground, steps on it, then holds her sword to his neck. ]
Jean Lafitte: Very well, you win – we’ll have the white instead! [ she allows him to return to his feet ] It’s a bit frightening, you know what I mean? I don’t like to fight somebody like that. Hey, Marie?
Marie-Claire: Uh, yes, Monsieur Lafitte?
Jean Lafitte: What is the word that I hate the most in the whole world?
Marie-Claire: Ummmmm — pirate!
Jean Lafitte: Right. [ points shotgun at her and fires it, as she screams and falls ] Aaarghh!! I hate it! Call me a charlatan! Call me a brigham[?]! Call me a punk! Call me a cheap swashbuckler!! But I’m no PIRATE, you know what I mean?! Look! I don’t drop my captured treasure in some sleazy hall, or a trunk buried on a beach somewhere! I’ve got professionals working for me! I’ve got bookkeeppers, I’ve got lawyers! I get my treasured washed every week! My doubloons are laundered by professionals, you know what I mean?! [ removes his belt and sword ] [ a worker yells at Lafitte from atop a balcony ]
Worker: Hey, Jean! I went to Paris! I stole for your mother!
[ angry, Lafitte fires a shot and drops the worker into a haystack below ]
Worker 2: [ steps forward ] Hey, hey, Jean — he said “Par-is“, not “pi-rate, man!”
Jean Lafitte: Oh. Sorry, very sorry. Well, anyway — right now, my big problem is what to wear to the big Mardi Gras masquerade ball, you know? I usually go as a harlequin, you know, something like that. [ begins changing behind a panel ] But, this year, just to let people know that Jean Lafitte is a good sort, you know — just to prove that — hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo-oo-oo-oo!! Oh, am I going to have a laugh on them! [ steps out from behind the panel, now disguised as a pirate ] I’m going as a PIRATE! Hey, hey — I’m NOT a pirate, I’m just GOING as one, you know? I HATE it.. but it’ll fool everybody, you know? [ chuckles ] HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!
[ dissolve to the cheering crowd of revelers ] [ zoom in on one woman, with caption: “Spells Kunte Kinte With a ‘C'” ] [ fade ]
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you guys, this is really incredible! I mean, you are really the best in the whole world! We are talking MAJOR niceness of life! Really major!
Barbara: Rhonda… Joycey and I are your best friends. We love you, and if you think that we’d let your engagement go by with NO shower… well, forget it! No way! We’re serious! Come on, really! No kidding! Honest to God!
Joycey: Now, listen. Okay, it’s a kitchen shower, everybody. And, don’t worry, everybody knows that your colors are burnt orange and tapioca!
Barbara: Now, I’m going to make a bouquet of ALL your ribbons, and Joycey is going to make a list of everything you saiy when you open your presents, and THAT’LL be what you say on your wedding night, okay?
Rhonda Weiss: [ cheerfully ] Oh, you guys are so GREAT! Really, really, you are!
Barbara: Okay! [ picks up a gift ] The first one is from Joanne Pearlstein. I’ll just take the ribbon.
Rhonda Weiss: [ takes the gift ] Oh, thank you, Joanne! I-I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Thank you! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, a melon baller.
Barbara: Ohhhh, isn’t that thoughtful!
Joycey: How WONDERFUL!!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you know — I mean, like, when — when you don’t have any melon, and, uh — and — and you — then you don’t want it in balls, you know? You don’t mind that you don’t have a melon baller. But if you DO have melon, and you want it balled, and you don’t have a melon baller, you — then you really wish that you had a melon — [ to Barbara ] Am I right?
Barbara: Absolutely! Absolutely!
Barbara: I mean, I know. Because, before I had my melon baller, I went without having my melon in balls for a REALLY long time!
Joycey: Me, too!
Joanne: I did, too!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Joanne!
Barbara: [ picks up a gift ] Okay, this one is from Rachel.
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Rachel! I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Thank you! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, an egg tweezer! Oh, you know, this is the kind of thing that you always really want, but you never buy for yourself.
Joycey: Yes, it is! Like, before I had my egg tweezer, I didn’t really miss it. But, now that I have one, I couldn’t live without it!
Barbara: It’s so true! I enjoyed mine so much that, every time I tweeze an egg, I think of the person who gave it to me!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Rachel!
Barbara: Cute paper, Rachel!
Joycey: Good card!
Barbara: Cute ribbon! Good curling!
[ Rhonda grabs her next gift ]
Barbara: Oh! This one! This one is from Eileen Freelander!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Eileen! I-I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Oh, look! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, it’s an apron! It’s an apron, and it says “For This I Went To College?”
Joycey: Oh, that’s cute! That’s cute!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you guys, this is the BEST bridal shower a person ever had — except for the one my cousin Judy gave me last Saturday.
Barbara: Okay, well, now it’s time for the surprise!
Rhonda Weiss: Surprise? What do you mean? What could it be?
Joycey: You’ll see!
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I don’t want anything else. No, this is enough. Really. [ Barbara brings in a large, oversized gift ] Oh, no! Oh, God! What is it?
Barbara: It’s a combination blender-microwave oven-yogurt maker-waffle iron and vegetable steamer.
Joycey: From Louise and I, with L-U-V!
Rhonda Weiss: [ holding back the tears ] I — I mean — like — like this is the — like — like — I mean, this is what I want to — like — all I can say is, I have only wanted this… since I saw it last September in Bloomingdale’s Houseware Sale catalog. May I die if I am lying. I mean, I was willing to give up my Going Away dress to get this. Please, God, if I am lying, may I accidentally swallow my cotnact lenses when I am washing them in my mouth.
[ Barbara and Joycey hug Rhonda ] [ hands Rhonda a bouquet ] Here’s your ribbon bouquet to carry down the aisle for your rehearsal.
Joycey: Okay, and here’s what you’ll say on your wedding night: “Thank you. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m really sure I’ll like it!” [ all the girls shriek with joy ]
Rhonda Weiss: [ in tears ] Thank you… thank you, everybody. I — I just want to say that I — that I hope that you’ll be able to meet very nice criminal lawyers named Barry Leibowitz in your futures. [ the girls “Awwww!” ] Thank you.
[ camera pulls back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Reincarnation — Just Another Rerun?” ] [ fade ]
Richard Herkiman … Bill Murray Jane Herkiman … Gilda Radner Richard Cularsky … Buck Henry
[Richard Herkiman, naked but photographed from thewaist up, enters his shower, shuts the curtain, andbegins what is clearly his morning routine:]
Richard Herkiman: Okay! All right! Okay! Another day,another dollar, Richard Herkiman! Let’s go! Come on,let’s go, let’s go! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.[starts the water, it pours down on him] Haaa! Hoga,hoga, haa, heyaheya, ho! Boy, that’s cold! Cold! ThatMexican family’s gotta go! Oh! All the hot water’sgone. Okay. [reaches for something hanging on thetiled wall behind him] Ladies and gentlemen! RichardHerkiman! Hey – hey!
[Herkiman loops a cord around his neck, at one end ofwhich is a microphone-shaped bar of soap, i.e., aShower Mike, and addresses an imaginary audience.Throughout the sketch, he treats the novelty gift asif it were a real microphone.]
Richard Herkiman: Whoo! Thank you, thank you verymuch. Whoo! [sings a cheesy version of the Beatles’song “Something”] Well, there’s something in the waythat that girl mooooooves – that attracts me like noother lover! Yeah, there’s something in the way thatshe woo-oo-oos me.
Jane: [pokes her head through the curtain] Honey?Honey?
Richard Herkiman: [speaks] Ladies and gentlemen –[sings] I don’t want to leave her now — [speaks] avery special guest! [sings] You know I believe andhow!
Jane: [joins him in the shower] Honey?
Richard Herkiman: [speaks] My wife, Mrs. RichardHerkiman, Jane Nash! Come on in, Jane!
[Richard croons wordlessly as Jane starts to latherup.]
Jane: I just want to– Honey, would you quit foolingaround? I just want to take a quick shower, allright? If you don’t mind.
Richard Herkiman: Say, Jane. How do you feel aboutsinging a song today? Huh? [puts the mike up to herface]
Jane: Richard, would you quit fooling around? I’m justtaking a shower.
Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on, honey. Would you mindsinging that wonderful morning song? [to his imaginaryaudience] Come on, let’s hear it for her! Come on!Let’s hear it for her! [The Studio 8H audienceapplauds.]
Richard Herkiman: Jane, go ahead! [holds mike to hermouth]
Jane: [reluctantly sings as Richard snaps his fingersand joins in on a few words] On a clear day, why notlook around you and you’ll see– [speaks] Oh, Richard,stop it! You’re being silly. [starts washing herself]
Richard Herkiman: [squirts water out of his mouth]Listen, honey, a lot of folks out there want to knowif you really love me. Do you, honey?
Jane: [increasingly annoyed] Would you leave me alone,Richard?
Richard Herkiman: Do you love me with your whole heartand soul? Come on, honey!
Jane: Yes, I love you, I love you
Richard Herkiman: “I love you” — I know this is cornyand old-fashioned but, come on, there’s nobody else,is there? You really love, honor and cherish me?
Jane: I love you! Now, leave me alone, I’m in a hurry.
Richard Herkiman: Well, you know, honey, folks outthere, what my wife doesn’t know is that I know she’sbeen cheating on me for the last couple of years andwe’ve got behind the curtain a surprise guest, the manshe’s been seeing behind my back for the last twoyears, here he is! — Richard Cularsky! Come on in,Richard! [Herkiman pulls back the curtain and RichardCularsky enters the shower fully clothed] Good to haveyou aboard! Good to have you.
Jane: [amazed, to Cularksy] What are you doing here?![Cularsky kisses Jane]
Richard Herkiman: Yes, I brought him all the way fromhis home in the city to be with us here today. Isn’tthat terrific?
Cularsky: [Jane and Cularsky hug and kiss one another]Something tells me I shouldn’t have come, you’re toosurprised — but I do love you, come what may.
Richard Herkiman: All right. Now, tell me, kids, youkids must spend a lot of time in the shower togetherwhen I’m not here, huh?
[Herkiman holds mike to Cularksy’s mouth as Jane grabsa bar of soap and starts lathering the fully clothed”guest.”]
Cularsky: You bet! Nah, it’s funny — I – I’ll tellyou the truth. A lot of people have the wrong ideaabout that. It’s actually a lot safer to rent a hotelroom. You know, there’s much less chance of meeting anaunt or an uncle. And you don’t have to worry aboutchanging the sheets on the bed!
Richard Herkiman: Ouch! I forgot how much is involvedin this kind of thing. Whoo! Well, honey, you’ve beenconfronted with this thing now — are ya gonna breakit off with him for the good of your marriage or areyou just gonna continue to stick the knife in andtwist it and twist it, huh?
Richard Herkiman: Wow, that hurts! Okay, you’ll haveto excuse me, but, uh, I’m an emotional guy and Ireally hate to get bad news. I’m sorry but that’s theway I’m built. Okay. Gee, I’m afraid that’s all thetime I’ve got for today. Thanks, kids, for droppingby.
Cularsky: Before you finish, Richard, I just want tosee that — want to say that we’ll be in Philadelphiathe first week in June at the Statler Hotel.
Richard Herkiman: Oh, great. Well, I’ll be looking foryou there. Okay. [Herkiman pulls back the showercurtain and Jane and Cularsky, still kissing, exit theshower] Thanks for stopping by. Mrs. Herkiman and theguy she’s been messing around with!
Richard Herkiman: [to his imaginary audience] Thankyou. That’s about – that’s about all the time we’vegot for– I’ve gotta finish up my shower and jump onthat busy, crazy commuter train o’ mine and get backinto work. We’re gonna go to a commercial right now.Is that right? We’re gonna go to a commercial. But,before, I’d like to go out on one of my favoritesongs. [sings “My Way”] And now the time has come forme to close the shower curtain. [closes the showercurtain] I did what I have to do — [speaks] we’ll seeya tomorrow! — [sings] and saw it through …
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Coming Up Next: Deja Vu Coming Up Next: Deja Vu Coming Up Next: Deja Vu”
Narrator…..Dan Aykroyd Charles Lindbergh…..Buck Henry Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
[ open on archival photograph of Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of St. Louis ] [ Music: “Lucky Lindy” ]
Narrator: Fifty years ago today, a quiet, determined man named Charles Lindbergh was greeted by thousands of cheering Parisians as he landed his Spirit of St. Louis at ?? Field. Other crews had attempted a transatlantic flight, and had died trying. But the Lone Eagle did it alone, challenging the ocean and drowsiness for thirty-three grueling hours on his way to immortality.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: [ checks his watch ] Only thirty-two hours to go.
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Narrator: And that was just the first few grueling minutes of the thirty-three grueling hours.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Narrator: Once he left the Jersey coast, night and fog closed in. Unable to see in the darkness, Lindbergh could not tell how far above the ocean his Spirit of St. Louis was flying. And, at times, the Lone Eagle swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.
Charles Lindbergh: I wonder if I’m perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic. [ he opens the window to peer out, and is splashed by a wave ] Yes, I am.
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Narrator: Yet, Lindy’s greatest danger was his own fatigue. Alone in the tiny cockpit, he talked to himself to keep awake.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: [ yawning ] Oh boy, am I tired! I gotta stay awake, though. If I could just stay awake, someday they’ll be singing a song about this! [ singing ] “Lucky Bergie, staying awake…” no, no, no, not Bergie! Charlie’s my name. It’s Charlie! [ singing ] “Lucky Charlie…” Wait a minute. [ singing ] “Charlie kinda knew! Charlie kinda WOW!! Charlie!” [ he shakes his head no ] [ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Narrator: And always at hand was his trusty thermos of hot tea.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: [ pours a cap of tea from his thermos and drinks ] That’s the last of the hot tea… [ he places the empty thermos on the floor and begins to pee into it ] [ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Charles Lindbergh V/O: Gee, I wish there was someone to talk to in here…
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: Wait a minute… I know. [ he fashions a handkerchief around his hand ] Stewardess! Oh, Stewardess! [ moves his fingers like a puppet ] Yes, sir? Could I have some more macademia nuts, please? Right away, sir! Uh, would you like to see a movie? Is there any extra charge? Not for you, big boy! Ah! [ he leans back to turn a projector on ] Wait a minute, Stewardess. I’ve seen this movie before! [ he turns the projector off ] Don’t you have any magazines? Certainly, sir! We have “Spicy Stories” and “French Marbles”. Really? Let me see! [ he reaches down and retrieves a copy of “Spicy Stories” ] Hmm… golly! “Spicy Stories”! [ to his hand ] I think it’s time for you to take a nap, Stewardess!
[ he lowers his hand to his lap and begins to flip the magazine’s pages with his free hand, as the cockpit shakes ] [ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ] [ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Narrator: Then, turbulence! Yes, unexpected turbulence suddenly jerked the plane off… course! Course! The brave young aviator struggled vainly against sleep, and, once again, he swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.
[ Lindbergh places the magazine down, then closes his eyes and falls asleep ]
Narrator: Wake up! You’re perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic!
Charles Lindbergh: [ opens his eyes ] I wonder if I am perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic. [ he opens the window to peer out, and is splashed by a wave ] Yep!
[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]
Narrator: Up there in the dark, the plucky young American flyer found comfort in thoughts of the Almighty.
[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]
Charles Lindbergh: God? I’m tired…
Narrator: Yet, once again the Lone Eagle swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic!
Charles Lindbergh: [ his heart no longer fully into this routine ] I wonder if, once again, I am perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.
[ he opens the window to peer out, only to be greeted by the theme from “Jaws” and the head of the Land Shark peeking over the window ]
Land Shark: Mr. Lindbar… brown… bing…?
Charles Lindbergh: What?
Land Shark: Captain Lindmare… burr… bear… burr…?
Charles Lindbergh: Who’s that?
Land Shark: Candy-gram.
Charles Lindbergh: [ confused ] I didn’t order any candy!
Land Shark: Um… exterminator.
Charles Lindbergh: I — I don’t need an exterminator! I’m flying solo to Paris!
Land Shark: M-maps… Paris maps.
Charles Lindbergh: I’ve GOT a map!
Land Shark: Compass.
Charles Lindbergh: And I’ve GOT a compass!! Now leave me alone!
Land Shark: Amphetamines.
Charles Lindbergh: [ smiles ] Well, okay… I guess we could chat for a while!
Land Shark: C-could you slow down a bit? I-I can’t keep up.
Charles Lindbergh: Are you swimming?
Land Shark: I’m running.
Charles Lindbergh: You’re running?!
Land Shark: Yes, sir. I’m running.
Charles Lindbergh: You mean… I’m on land, finally? I’ve made it to Paris?! I’ve gone all the way to France?!
Land Shark: Oui, oui, Monsieur.
[ Lindbergh smiles, as as his face is superimposed over crowds of French citizens awaiting his arrival on the ground ]
Narrator: And so, Charles Lindbergh managed to stay awake during man’s first solo flight all the way across the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic! With nothing but a simple compass, a thermos of hot tea, and nine cheap jokes. He became a legend in his own time, that lucky, lucky Lindy.
[ Music Out: “Lucky Lindy” ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Worships False TV Idols” ] [ fade ]
…..Jane Curtin Voices of jockey and horse…..Chevy Chase Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner …..Bella Abzug …..Buck Henry
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. Our top story tonight:
California police report that Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra have kidnapped Patricia Hearst, and forced her to join their nightclub act. Reports say that the two entertainers dragged Miss Hearst screaming from her San Francisco apartment, through her into the trunk of a Lear jet, and are now appearing in Las Vegas as Tanya & The Meatballs. In exchange for her return, they are demanding the head of Jerry Lewis. More on this story, as it develops.
In Texas, late millionairess, Sandra West, was buried this week in her Ferrari sports coupe, as she had requested. Afterwards, a small group of mourners placed a floral wreath and a set of steel-belted radial tires on the grave.
Interviewed this week for the third time by David Frost, former President Richard Nixon said that any act is legal if it is authorized by the President. Nixon confessed that, in addition to approving wiretaps and burglaries, as President he occasionally shoplifted and held up a number of licquor stores in the Washington area.
Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update Sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race’s winner, Seattle Slew. Here’s the footage now.
Jockey V/O: Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts — aiieee..! Ow..!
Horse V/O: Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy…
[ cut back to Jane at the news desk ]
Jane Curtin: A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.
Ballet star Mikhael Barishnikov (?) attended a party with Jacqueline Onassis, following the New York premiere of B’s production of “The Nutcracker” for the American Ballet Theater. Though the opening was a big success, Mrs. Onassis made B cry when she informed him that she could see very little under his tights.
It was fifty years ago this week that Charles Lindbergh made his historic solo flight from New York to Paris. Taking off at Roosevelt Field on Long Island, it was a feat that was hailed by millions of citizens, except for the residents of Howard Beach, who protested against the noise.
This just in: we now take you live to our crack political reporter, Miss Emily Litella, who is with Bella Abzug, who is about to make an important announcement. Emily?
[ cut to Emily Litella standing with Bella Abzug. The two women wear matching sun hats. ]
Emily Litella: Yes, Jane! I’m standing here in front of City Hall, with former Congresswoman Stella Abzug, who has an announcement to make! Stella?
Bella Abzug: Emily, it’s Bella. Bella.
Emily Litella: Ohhhh!! You speak Italian! How nice! That’s lovely! Just lovely! Now, tell me, Stella, what do you plan to —
Bella Abzug: It’s Bella. It’s Bella. Bella!
Emily Litella: Oh, ciao! Ciao! Yes!
Bella Abzug: Bella!
Emily Litella: Right. Well, Stella, we know you have the Italian vote! [ she laughs at her joke ]
Bella Abzug: Oh, I have a lot of love for the voters, but —
Emily Litella: Great! Well, uh — does this mean that you’re going to throw your CAT into the ring? Because I think it’s TERRIBLE the way pets are mistreated, just to get a few votes for politicians! Throwing yuor cat into — [ Abzug taps Litella’s shoulder ] What?
Bella Abzug: It’s not cat — it’s hat. “Hat” in the ring. You see, my hat. It’s still on, but I’m planning to toss it into the —
Emily Litella: Ohhh! Oh, I see! It’s a very lovely hat, I might add. It’s just lovely.
Bella Abzug: Oh, thanks. I see you have a nice hat — cat — I mean, HAT!
Emily Litella: Yes! [ to the camera ] Well, I’m here, and Stella has an announcement to make, and I think I know what it is! Stella Abzug is going to THROW her CAT into the ring!
Bella Abzug: Emily!
Emily Litella: And HERE’S her big announcement!
Bella Abzug: [ taking the microphone ] Never mind.
[ cut back to Jane at the news desk ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Emily. Now, as a public service, “Weekend Update”‘s guest editorial commentator — Buck Henry.
Buck Henry: Thank you, Jane. Actually, I have a little surprise for you. I’m not here to deliver an editorial or a commentary, but to make a presentation. The Council of Television Journalists, for which I am honorary chairman, has unanimously voted you, Jane Curtin, America’s Outstanding Television Journalist for the 1976-77 Season. [ he holds up her award ] [ the audience cheers ]
Jane Curtin: That is such an honor. I don’t know what to say. Who’s gotten this award before?
Buck Henry: Uhhh — well, no one, Jane. This is the first year that I’ve — that we’ve presented it.
Jane Curtin: [ humbly ] Well… why me?
Buck Henry: Why? Why, Jane? I mean, I can answer you — I can answer that question because you’re a woman, and I’m a man — what could Cronkite, Brinkley, Chancellor, or Smith ever do for me, if I gave them this plaque? They’d say “Thank you.” Big deal. But, with you, it’s a different situation. Yuo ask “Why me?” I could tell you, because I’ve watched you sitting here, show after show, with your blonde hair brushing the side of your face, as you’ve kept me informed of the news of the world… I’ve heard that breathless little catch in your voice when a particular news item affected your emotions… I’ve seen you unbutton the top button on your blouse to boost your ratings, as well as my pulse… I’ve thought about those silken thighs underneath the desk, crossing and uncrossing… or those… I-I-I-I just imagine what you’re like underneath this desk! The unseen newswoman, as it were! You know what I mean? So, when you ask me, I can safely answer, Jane, because I WANT YOU, as I’ve never before wanted a network anchorperson!
Jane Curtin: Well, I — [ she’s at a loss for words ]
Buck Henry: In addition, Jane, to this lovely plaque, there’s a trophy — a rather large trophy, I must say! Which, uh, I’d rather give to you in private, if I could.
Jane Curtin: [ now completely uncomfortable ] Th-that’s okay… I can live without it.
Buck Henry: Well, uh, the trophy is of an unusual and original design —
Jane Curtin: I’m sure.
Buck Henry: It’s not suitable for home viewing. So, if I could give it to you after the show, say, at your place?
Jane Curtin: Uhhh — thank you very much, Mr. Henry —
Buck Henry: You’re absolutely sure?
Jane Curtin: But, uh — no thank you —
Buck Henry: Alright, in that case, I’ll be taking this award back. I don’t think you’ll need it anyway. I’ll go talk to Barbara, I’ve heard things about her…
[ Buck grabs his plaque and makes his exit ]
Jane Curtin: Good night, and — [ she glares offscreen in Buck’s wake ] That’s the news, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ Jane scowls and continues to glare offscreen in Buck’s wake ] [ fade ]
Jane … Gilda Radner Jean … Shelly Duvall Ricardo Montalban … Dan Aykroyd Fernando Lamas … Bill Murray Cesar Romero … John Belushi Joan … Laraine Newman 1st Italian Man … Tom Schiller 1st Woman … Rosie Shuster 2nd Woman … Anne Beatts 3rd Woman … Marilyn Miller Piano Player … Paul Shaffer Man in Tuxedo … Al Franken Bartender … Alan Zweibel Extra … Garrett Morris
[High, wide shot of the set depicting a fancyrestaurant. Cameras, lights, mikes and crew membersare visible. Piano music plays throughout the sketchas we dissolve down to the set where a male extra in atuxedo escorts a female extra past several tables. Atone table sit three Latino men, identically dressed inwhite suits and pink shirts with wide lapels. At anadjacent table, we find two white women, Jane andJean, in slinky black outfits, smokingcigarettes.]
Jane: Jean, they should have been here by now.I just know they’re not gonna show.
Jean: Well, Joan went to call.
Jane: I wish we could meet some different kindo’ guys for a change. I mean, somethin’ like thoseContinental type over there. [indicates the threeLatino men at the next table]
Jean: Oh, I know. All we ever date are the sameall-American hamburgers.
Jean: Why don’t we ever meet any uncircumcisedguys?
[One of the Continental types rises and approachesJane and Jean. Like his male companions, he speakswith an accent, sounding rather like the actor RicardoMontalban.]
Ricardo Montalban: Good evening, lovely,lovely, lovely ladies. Me and my companions, here atthe next table, were having a little argument and wewere wondering if perhaps you couldn’t help settle itfor us.
Jane: Well, sure, if we can.
Ricardo Montalban: You see, I am RicardoMontalban.
[His two companions rise up in protest and join him atthe ladies’ table.]
Fernando Lamas: No, no, no! You have it wrong!
Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo Montalban!
Ricardo Montalban: [to the ladies] Well, atleast, I think I am Ricardo Montalban. Andthese two gentlemen are Fernando Lamas and CesarRomero — although, we are a little confused about whois who.
Cesar Romero: Ay, excuse us, uh, lovely, lovelyladies, but this is very embarrassing. We don’t knowwho is who.
Ricardo Montalban: You see, we have beenchumming around Hollywood for so long together –Ricardo, Fernando and Cesar — the best of friends, wedo everything together, we eat together, drinktogether, sleep over at each other’s Hollywood homes.Ha! Sometimes Cesar and I sleep at Fernando’s,sometimes Cesar and Fernando sleep at Ricardo’s houseand–
Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait aminute. You said you were Ricardo.
Ricardo Montalban: [laughs] Ah ha haha!
Fernando Lamas: I thought I wasRicardo.
Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo. You see, we are allof us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see?It is all very terribly confusing. We don’t know whowe are.
Fernando Lamas: Perhaps, uh, we could join youat your table.
Jane: Well, ah, we – we are waiting forour dates.
Jean: Yeah. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris.
Ricardo Montalban: Well, actually, we, too,were supposed to meet some lovely ladies here thisevening — Jill St. John, Susan St. James and EvaMarie Saint.
Cesar Romero: Right.
Ricardo Montalban: But, luckily, they canceledout and our evening is free so we’d love to join youuntil those insipid, pretty-boy flashes-in-the-pannamed George show up.
Jean: Oh, I don’t see why not.
Ricardo Montalban: Ah, good.
[The three men pull up chairs to join the ladies attheir table as a third woman in black, Joan, arrives.Cesar bows graciously and holds her chair for her. Sheand the men take seats.]
Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. [to the women] Badnews, girls. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris stood us up for other dates.
Jean and Jane: [disappointed] Ooohhhhhh!Who?
Joan: Elke Sommer, Britt Ekland and MayBritt.
Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. I don’t think we’vebeen introduced.
Ricardo Montalban: My name is RicardoMontalban.
Fernando Lamas: My name is RicardoMontalban.
Cesar Romero: My name is RicardoMontalban.
Jean: Two of these three gentlemen arelying.
Joan: Well, will the real Ricardo Montalbanplease stand up?
[The three men feint standing up. Much laughter andapplause from the crowd for this parody of the oldgame show “To Tell the Truth.” Finally, the men remainseated and they and the women laugh heartily at theirlittle joke.]
Fernando Lamas: We do this every night.
Jean: Joan, meet Fernando Lamas, Cesar Romeroand Ricardo Montalban.
Joan: Well — who’s who?
Ricardo Montalban: Even we don’t know who’swho! The only way to tell is to run out to the parkinglot and see whose car keys fit the Cordoba! …[applause]
Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] May – may I assureyou that our confusion is as sincere as it ischarming. You wanna make out with me?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout youover there? A little bit of Mix Master, huh? Comeon.
Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] All right, what aboutyou, right here?
Jean: Not right now.
Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just checking. I gotplenty o’ time.
Cesar Romero: [cuttingly, to Fernando] Zero onstyle, you know?
Ricardo Montalban: Okay, watch this guys. Watchthis. [smoothly, to Jane] Your eyes are like tintedopera windows. Your hair and skin is like the finestCorinthian leather.
Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] Say, uh, have youchanged your mind yet?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout you,right over here? You change your mind?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] What about this girl,right here?
Jean: No, no.
Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just let me know. I’m inno hurry, I’ll be right here.
Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think Ican figure out who you are. Let me see your carkeys.
Fernando Lamas: Certainly.
Ricardo Montalban: Glad to comply, lovelylady.
Cesar Romero: Yes.
[The men pull out their car keys and put them in frontof Jean.]
Fernando Lamas: [hands keys to Jean, smoothly]And to my heart as well.
Jean: [examines the keys] Okay. Matador,Granada and Cordoba. [hands keys back to Ricardo]You are Ricardo.
Cesar Romero: No! Stupid fool! At least we knowthat! None of us here is Ricky Ricardo!
Ricardo Montalban: Of course! I am RicardoMontalban!
Cesar Romero and Fernando Lamas:Aaaahhhhh!
Ricardo Montalban: My commercial endorsements,it’s all coming back to me. “As a Spaniard, I love tofeel the wind and fire in my face. When I choose acar, I choose a car with a certain spirit, a car thatwill–” You know, I mean, the commercials. They’rerunning all over the place.
Jean: Okay, okay. Now, it’s between Fernandoand Cesar.
Jane: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I havea picture of Fernando Lamas. It came with my wallet.[takes out wallet, shows picture to others]There!
Fernando Lamas: Aha! That’s me!
Cesar Romero: That’s you?
Fernando Lamas: I am Fernando Lamas!
Ricardo Montalban: I am Ricardo!
Cesar Romero: Then that means – I am CesarRomero! Excellent! I loved myself in “Weekend inHavana”!
[Excited and happy, everyone begins laughing andtalking at once. Fernando calls out:]
Fernando Lamas: Waiter, can we have some wine,please?! Wine for the ladies! We are celebratingourselves!
[As he does, three Italian men dressed in blackjumpsuits with low-cut necklines, enter and approach anearby table at which sit three bored women in blackwith identical hairstyles.]
1st Italian Man: [with accent] Excuse us,lovely, lovely ladies, but perhaps you can help us. Iam either Sergio Franchi, Rossano Brazzi or EnzoStuarti.
All Three Italian Men: You see, we are a bitconfused.
1st Woman: [matter-of-fact] Let’s see yourkeys, boys. Whoever’s driving the Volare mustbe Sergio Franchi.
[Applause. Dissolve to the applauding crowd and zoomin on audience members Mr. and Mrs. Chevy Chase. Mrs.Chase smiles as Mr. Chase picks his nose. He sees thecamera on him, stops and stares into it. Asuperimposed text reads: USED TO BE ON THE SHOW. Aftera pause, he joins in on the applause as we fadeout.]