Stanley Kowalski…..John Belushi Black Man…..Garrett Morris Stella…..Laraine Newman
[ open on exterior, city street at night. Pan across to reveal a torn-shirted Stanley Kowalski stepping off of a streetcar line and staggering toward a row of apartments while clutching a can of beer. ]
Stanley Kowalski: [ glances upward ] Stellllllllaaaaa!!! Stelllllllllll-aaaaaaaaaaa!!!
[ a light turns on in a second-floor window ]
Stanley Kowalski: STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
[ Black Man steps out on second-floor balcony from window ]
Black Man: Hey, uh – listen, pal – there’s no Stella here.
Stanley Kowalski: STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Black Man: Hey! Look, uh, I-I’m trying to tell you, baby – there’s no Stella here, uh —
Stanley Kowalski: I know Stella’s there! [ falls to his knees ] STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! This is my HOUSE! I know Stella’s up there! STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Black Man: Look – look – look — you – you want Desire and Elysian Fields, right? Huh?
Stanley Kowalski: [ stands ] Right.. yeah.
Black Man: Well, this is Desire and Royal. You’re two blocks too far south, baby.
Stanley Kowalski: [ comprehends this information, shakes his head ] Oh — [ smacks his forehead ] Ohhh, wowwwww! Oh! [ shakes his head ] Hey, I’m really sorry, I-I —
Black Man: Hey, that’s okay, that’s okay —
Stanley Kowalski: I was a little juiced up tonight, and I-I thought this was my house and —
Black Man: I-it’s okay.
Stanley Kowalski: Wow! Wow! [ walks off, mumbling incoherently to himself ]
[ a lightly-dressed white woman steps onto the second-floor balcony to join the black man ]
Stella: Who was that, honey?
Black Man: Stanley.
Stella: Oh, I should have known! come on back to bed, huh? [ wraps her arms around him ]
Black Man: Okay, Stella!
[ they re-enter the apartment. Audience cheers. ]
[ fade ]
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd Honker…..Bill Murray Velocity…..Cindy Williams
[ open on title card: “Tomorrow” ]
[ dissolve to Tom Snyder standing in front of a strip club on Bourbon Street. Various signs advertise “Men & Girls”, “Topless & Bottomless Table Top Dancing”, and Peep Show.” Tom is speaking indistinctly with a bouncer named Honker before he notices the camera ]
Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody! Tonight, we’re doing the “Tomorrow” show from Mardi Gras, on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. I must tell you at the outset of this program that if you’re offended by the discussion of explicit sexual phenomena.. then change the channel and watch a movie, alright? Becuase, tonight, we’re looking into the bizarre world of – well, I might as well just say it – topless and bottomless bars! [ chuckles ] Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ looks toward the bouncer ] Uh – uh, sir, can we have a word with you, please? Uh – sir, what is your name?
Honker: Uh – the Honker. Everybody calls me Honker out here.
Tom Snyder: Alright, Mr. Honker, uh – I take it that, uh, your job is to attract people into coming into this establishment. Am I correct, sir?
Honker: Well, I, uh, personally, have nothing covered, but if you’re the kind of person who likes boobs ‘n bras, uh, then ya’ gotta check this OUT! We have the most beautiful girls in town, and continuous entertainment – but with NO cover, and drinks are only a dollar, of course.
Tom Snyder: Well, that sounds.. just terrific.
Honker: At this time, Mr. Snyder, The Pink Lady is proud to present you with — [ a dancer steps out with a hurricane glass, as the crowd of revelers cheer ] — a complimentary hurricane made up of four different kinds of rum, with a delicious fruit-flavored punch.
Tom Snyder: Thank you very much. Uh – young lady, what is your name?
Tom Snyder: Alright, Velocity, I’m gonna ask you a question, but I – I’m gonna make it short because I — [ noticing her cleavage ] don’t want to make you get cold! Ha ha ha ha! Now, you’re, uh, you’re one of the topless and bottomless performers here at The Pink Lady, is that correct?
Velocity: Yes, that is correct.
Tom Snyder: How many hours a day do you work?
Tom Snyder: And how much of that time are you actually dancing?
Velocity: Oh.. fifteen minutes to an hour.
Tom Snyder: Soooo.. well.. how – so, that’s how many hours per week, then?
Velocity: Oh, I would say.. nine-and-a-quarter hours a week.
Tom Snyder: Alright. And how long have you been employed by The Pink Lady?
Velocity: Eighteen months.
Tom Snyder: So, that’s about.. uh.. how many total dancing hours?
Velocity: [ does the math in her head ] Six-hundred and twenty.
Tom Snyder: Okay. You log six-hundred and twenty hours. Do you yourself ever become sexually aroused while you’re dancing?
Tom Snyder: Okay. Say I watch your act, and I come up to you after the act and ask you for sexual favors in exchange for money. Would you be amenable to such an exchange.
Velocity: No, no, definitely no, no, no, no.
Tom Snyder: Well, prostitution is illegal – we’re on national TV. I don’t suppose you’d admit to it even if you did do it.
Velocity: Then, why did you ask me?
Tom Snyder: Well, I.. thought maybe you’d say yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
Velocity: Well, the answer’s no, Mr. Snyder. I’m an artist – like yourself. [ Tom nods ] Do you prostitute yourself?
Tom Snyder: [ quickly, in a panic ] Well, thank you very much for talking with us, Velocity! There you have it. You can’t go into a topless-bottomless bar on Bourbon Street in Louisiana and buy a girl – not here, anyway. [ Velocity exits inside the club, as Honker reappears ] Uh – well, I guess it’s time to go on inside The Pink Lady here and find out just what goes on inside these clubs! Now, our cameras can’t go in, so I’m jut ging to go on inside, I’ll give you an eyewitness report. Mr. Honker, would you hold my microphone, please?
Honker: Certainly, Tom.
[ Honker takes the microphone, as Tom enters inside the club ]
Honker: [ speaking into the microphone ] Okay, uh – okay, check it out, come on in, everybody! Uh – big celebrity, Tom Snyder, is inside right now watching the dancers onstage! Check it out – continuous entertainment! [ to a pair of passersby ] Tom snyder, the “Tomorrow” show, is INSIDE the club right now! Go ahead in, it’s a terrific show! Believe me, these girls have a lot upstairs! You know, it’s funny – peole say, “They’re just for physique.” No! They got a LOT of intelligence! A LOT of them go to school —
[ Tom returns from inside the club and takes his microphone back ]
Tom Snyder: Thank you. Well, I must say, Mr. Honker – I’m sorry to say this, but – well – quite frankly, I’d call your establishment a RIPOFF! I went in there expecting topless and bottomless – frankly, I saw G-STRINGS and I saw PASTIES!! Now – how do you account for this false advertising?
Honker: Well, now, you’re talking about COMPLETELYtopless and COMPLETELY bottomless! Uh, the only place you’re gonna see that, uh, is out in California! I’ll tell ya’, though – I worked a place out in Salt Lake City, they made the girls there wear one-piece bathing suits, they only served three to a beer – the place was still PACKED! Frankly, I think that people might want to leave a little to the imagination, you know? You know what I mean?
Tom Snyder: Haha! I’ll tell you, when we were coming out of KNBC in California, everyo nce in a while, some of the guys and I would go down to Tijuana, some of the crew and – well, one of them – some of the guys in the crew – especially Bobby Brown – remembered this one young lady, and, well, I might say that – well, you don’t know what muscle cotnrol is until you see this girl’s act! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Well, of course, that’s Tijuana, and they’re having a lot of problems down in that town. Mr. Honker, thank you for talking with us. [ to the camera ] We’ve been at The Pink Lady in Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. [ Honker begins bouncing around behind tom and making faces for the camera ] Uh – tomorrow on the “Tomorrow” show, my guest is going to be the Human Fly – he’s the guy who climbed twenty-eight floors, up to my office in the RCA Building in New York City, and said, “Let me on the show.” He was on the outside of the building, how could I turn him down? We also have Alexander Cobanisky [?] – he’ll be with us. And good night, everybody!
[ camera pulls back, then zooms down on some garbage in the street and the title card slide appears over the garbage ]
[ fade ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry.
Buck Henry: Good evening. Our top story tonight: an unprecedented move by an American president was made this week, when Jimmy Carter wrote a letter to Soviet dissident, Andre S??, telling him that the United States backs his intentions one-hundred percent. And, in what has been considered a blatant act of retaliation, Soviet Premier Leonid Brehznev has written a letter to Jimmy Carter, saying that, quote, “Your mother is quite wrinkled and extremely old.” Unquote. [ to Jane ] An ancient Russian means of retaliation.
Jane Curtin: Ah. In the wake of the CIA’s famous foreign powers, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed today that it paid over three million dollars in hush money to Generalissimo Francisco Franco over the past eighteen months for keeping quiet on certain matters.
Buck Henry: Well, a Liberian luxury liner broke in half off the coast of Rhode Island this afternoon, killing all of the 2,200 passengers and crew aboard. Coast Guard officials have expressed fear that the bodies spilled may drift to New England beaches, becoming a navigation hazard and clogging the lobster traps. More on this story as it develops.
Jane Curtin: And, in a moving ceremony today, Mayor Moon Landrieau gave New Orleans’ native son, Garrett Morris, the combination to the city. We’ll take you now to that ceremony, in progress.
[ cut to Mayor Moon Landrieau standing on the street with Garrett Morris ]
Mayor Moon Landrieau: Garrett, this is the combination to the City of New Orleans. [ hands a perplexed Garrett a piece of paper ] It’s 33-left, 41-right, and 19-left.
[ as they speak, a reveler can be seen walking past in the background. Suddenly aware of the cameras, the masked reveler casually saunters towards Garrett, the Mayor, and the cameras, unseen by both men but quickly apprehended by the NOPD. ]
Garrett Morris: Thank you very much, Mr. Mayor. This is quite an honor.
Mayor Moon Landrieau: Not actually, Garrett. We’re gonna change it tomorrow.
[ cut back to Buck and Jane ]
Buck Henry: Well, in spite of his recent injury, and always a showman and perennial crowd please, daredevil Evil Knievel jumped the entire length of last night’s Mardi Gras parade in his hospital bed.
[ show slide of hospital bed flying over the Superdome ]
More on his condition, as the bulletins come in.
Jane Curtin: Let’s go now to Laraine Newman, with a live report on another of those quaint Mardi Gras traditions.
[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to a man with mice taped to his eyebrows ]
Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m out here on the strret, talking to the people, and, as crazy as it sounds, uh, tonight’s the night they call “Mouse sunday.” People all over New Orleans are taping white mice to their eyes. I’m with them right now. [ points her microphone toward the man’s face ]
Man: Careful – I can’t see a thing!
Laraine Newman: Well, sir, I have just one question.
Laraine Newman: Why?
Man: For kicks! We do it for kicks! Ha ha! That’s all! Ha ha!
Laraine Newman: I see. Uh, when did this custom originate?
Man: Well, I don’t know, uh – I mean, I do it, uh, my father did it, my grandpa did it just before him.. my MA done it, she’s great!
Laraine Newman: Yeah, but.. what possible pleasure could derive from it?
Man: Excuse me, uh – are you are a man or a woman?
Laraine Newman: [ sternly ] I’m a woman.
Man: [ smoothly ] Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink somewhere? What do you say we go over to Pat O’Briens, and — [ the roar of the cheering crowd drowns him out ] You like dixieland music, huh?
Laraine Newman: Uh, sir – these mice, are they dead? [ touches one of the mice ]
Man: NO, they’re not dead! They’re just asleep! [ taps the mice ] Come on, wake up! Wake up! Let’s get those whiskers movin’! Hey! I’m talkin’ to YOU! Come on! Up and at ’em! [ to Laraine ] Hey, how ’bout a walk to some voodoo? what do you say, would you like to make some reeaal voodoo? Of course, you have to take your clothes off. I mean, you have to take your clothes off, it’s a real sticky place!
Laraine Newman: I’ve always wanted to see the real voodoo. Are you sure those mice are okay?
Man: They’re fine.. they’re okay..
Laraine Newman: Well.. I’ll just have to do the wrap-up, and then we can leave. [ to the camera ] People taping white mice to their eyes! All part of the fun and gaiety, as Mardi Gras renews an ancient custom. [ the Man feeds a can of beer to his two mice ] This is Laraine Newman, somewhere in the French Quarter.
[ the Man continues to show Laraine his mice, as we cut back to Buck and Jane ]
Jane Curtin: Still to come: Are shoes an endangered species? [ show slide of real alligator shoes ] A float depicting the history of skiing accidents. And the Vatican College of Cardinals Marching Band and Drill Team. After this report from Weekend Update roving reporter, Emily Litella.
Emily Litella: [ facing to the camera ] Hi! Hi, I’m — [ the crowd cheers her presence ] oh, hello! Hi! I’m Emily Litella, and I’m SO excited! It’s my first time at Mardi Gras, and I’ve been drinking TEA! Straight, for three days! Ohh! [ a riverboat horn blares ] Ooh! Do you hear that?! Well, that’s the liverboat, coming down the Mississippi with LOADS of liver! And I’m standing here with Captain Devero Boyee, who is a captain of a BIG liverboat! Just like the one you just heard! Tell me, Captain – just how did the tradition of the liverboat start? Now, I know liver is rich in iron and vitamins, but so is PORK! Now, why aren’t there PORK boats?!
Captain Devero Boyee: Well —
Emily Litella: I mean — I mean, if you’re gonna have liverboats, you should also have some bacon, and some onions — I can’t believe it! What is — what is –?
Captain Devero Boyee: Miss Litella!
Emily Litella: What?!
Captain Devero Boyee: I’m the captain of a riverboat! A riverboat! Not a liverboat, a riverboat! We take leisurely cruises up and down the Mississippi.
Emily Litella: Ohhhhhh! Oh, well, that’s very different!
Captain Devero Boyee: Yes.
Emily Litella: [ turns to the camera ] Never mind!
[ the crowd cheers, as we cut back to Buck and Jane, completely missing the “group grope” attack on Gilda/Emily ]
Buck Henry: Here’s a Weekend Update Correction. On last Update, Jane Curtin inadvertently reported that Kate Smith won the international hang-gliding competition in Montreal. Well, we stand corrected. We were apparently confused by a typographical error. What we meant to say was that it was Clare Booth Luce who broke the color line in Major League Baseball.
[ a sheet of paper is suddenly handed over to Jane ]
Jane Curtin: Oh! This story just in — [ reads the paper ] Oh, my God! Washington – with guns blazing, a deranged gunman shot his way across Pennsylvania Avenue, leaped over the iron fence of the White House —
Buck Henry: Jane, excuse me just a moment, but the Baton Rouge High School band is just coming up the street. One of the most colorful processions you’ve ever seen, with full regalia, showing their beautiful colors of traditional blue and gold. The school’s thirty-eighth Mardi Gas experience, and it’s truly a great, great New Orleans tradition.
Jane Curtin: Buck, can I finish this, please?
Buck Henry: Yes.
Jane Curtin: [ continues her breaking story ] The gunman entered the White House, and found his way to the Oval Office —
Buck Henry: Jane, just a second – take a look at this, if you can: this is the Japanese Sushi Bar float, and entire float made up of raw fish and soy sauce. And it really does look delicious!
Jane Curtin: Oh, that certainly does — I-I could use some of that now!
Buck Henry: Absolutely!
[ Buck and Jane stare offscreen at the sushi-covered float with awe ]
Jane Curtin: [ faces the camera ] That’s the news for tonight. We’ll be back with Randy Newman, after this.
[ fade to black ]
[ fade from black onto program card ]
Don Pardo V/O: Set your dial on laughter, with “Chevy and The Man.” Premiering this Friday at 8:30/7:30 Central and Mountain time.
[ open passenger window point-of-view as Gary Weis drives through an above-ground cemetery ]
[ dissolve to a painter adding a fresh coat of white paint to one of the above-ground tombs ]
Painter: [ the audio is off at first ] — for nothin’, some of ’em. We ain’t even paid a nickel for ’em. But,since things are so rough on the graveyard now, I gotta charge that fee. I can’t do it for nothin’ no more. It’s one of those things. I guess ’cause paint costs money now, and things ain’t cheap no more, you know? But I love it out in this graveyard. People don’t talk back to you. If they talk back to you – if they talk back to you, I’m leaving! I painted tombs for a living at St. Patrick’s Cemetery – it is gone, but her husband was buried — I was on top that tomb painting, I told her, I said, “Listen, darling – if your husband talks back to me, I’m gonna leave you, the paint, brush, truck, and everything behind. I’m leaving! I’m gone!” [ chuckles ] Boy, she got a big kick out of that!
[ dissolve to the same painter now dishing on a different subject ]
Painter: Crabbing? I go crabbing – I caught a crab, twenty-five inches. He’s still hanging out — [ points his thumb backwards ] He’s in a – he’s in a bar about two days, out there on Haynes Boulevard. Louis Louis. I hang him on top the – the – the place there, the door, so everybody can see the crab. He’s got a paw so big, it’s pitiful.
[ dissolve to further in the day, the painter still talking ]
Painter: Most money I make out here, I save. Most of it, I save. [ inaudinble ] I-I-I save, and I give birthday parties every year. Give a beautiful birthday party. Put a hundred dollars on the bar – that’s for the drinks – I buy a cake, costs about thirty dollars – my birthday cake – it’s so big, you got enough cake that people take the cake home. I got a big hare in my pot – cut up, sliced. Awww, never seem to mention [?] In the bayou, we got rabbit! A friend of mine’s supposed to be Cherokee – cooked rabbit for us.
[ dissolve again to further in the day ]
Painter: Well, up on the ridge, I can’t say nothin’ about it – I love New Orleans. I been a few places, but I still think New Orleans is the best. [ audience cheers ] I tell you, they got better weather, better — everything’s better here. They got people way from out here — it’s something, it’s cold, it’s snowing, or — we ain’t got that here!
[ art card: “Gary Weis Down South” over photo of Gary Weis ]
[ dissolve to film, a montage of Dixie-related signs over traditional Dixie music ]
[ wide shot of Dixie TV, zoom forward ]
[ close-up of Dixie truck as it rolls westward on the street ]
[ Dixie ]
[ zoom on Dixie Stove Works sign ]
[ close-up of rotating Dixie & Associates sign ]
[ zoom on Dixie Parking Service ]
[ zoom on Dixie Bearings, Inc. clock at 6:10 ]
[ Dixie Trucking 94 ]
[ three unidentified Dixie signs ]
[ close-up of Dixie Auto Parts sign ]
[ two unidentified Dixie signs ]
[ unidentified man pulls open his shirt to reveal a Dixie Beer t-shirt ]
[ close-up of Dixie Art sign ]
[ unidentidied Dixie sign ]
[ close-up of Dixie Male sign ]
[ close-up of Official Shop Service Dixie sign ]
[ close-up of Dixie 45 Beer on Tap sign ]
[ zoom to close-up of Dixie Mill Supply Co., Inc. sign ]
[ close-up of Dixie Welding & Metal Day & Night Service sign ]
[ close-up of Dixie Auto sign ]
[ alternate Dixie Mill Supply Co., Inc. sign ]
[ upward angle of Dixie Hotel sign ]
[ quick montage of 14 of the Dixie sign we just saw ]
[ dissolve to applauding revelers in the street, zoom to one upbeat male with SUPER: “Smokes Mardi Grass” ]
[ fade ]
Jane … Gilda Radner Jean … Shelly Duvall Ricardo Montalban … Dan Aykroyd Fernando Lamas … Bill Murray Cesar Romero … John Belushi Joan … Laraine Newman 1st Italian Man … Tom Schiller 1st Woman … Rosie Shuster 2nd Woman … Anne Beatts 3rd Woman … Marilyn Miller Piano Player … Paul Shaffer Man in Tuxedo … Al Franken Bartender … Alan Zweibel Extra … Garrett Morris
[High, wide shot of the set depicting a fancyrestaurant. Cameras, lights, mikes and crew membersare visible. Piano music plays throughout the sketchas we dissolve down to the set where a male extra in atuxedo escorts a female extra past several tables. Atone table sit three Latino men, identically dressed inwhite suits and pink shirts with wide lapels. At anadjacent table, we find two white women, Jane andJean, in slinky black outfits, smokingcigarettes.]
Jane: Jean, they should have been here by now.I just know they’re not gonna show.
Jean: Well, Joan went to call.
Jane: I wish we could meet some different kindo’ guys for a change. I mean, somethin’ like thoseContinental type over there. [indicates the threeLatino men at the next table]
Jean: Oh, I know. All we ever date are the sameall-American hamburgers.
Jean: Why don’t we ever meet any uncircumcisedguys?
[One of the Continental types rises and approachesJane and Jean. Like his male companions, he speakswith an accent, sounding rather like the actor RicardoMontalban.]
Ricardo Montalban: Good evening, lovely,lovely, lovely ladies. Me and my companions, here atthe next table, were having a little argument and wewere wondering if perhaps you couldn’t help settle itfor us.
Jane: Well, sure, if we can.
Ricardo Montalban: You see, I am RicardoMontalban.
[His two companions rise up in protest and join him atthe ladies’ table.]
Fernando Lamas: No, no, no! You have it wrong!
Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo Montalban!
Ricardo Montalban: [to the ladies] Well, atleast, I think I am Ricardo Montalban. Andthese two gentlemen are Fernando Lamas and CesarRomero — although, we are a little confused about whois who.
Cesar Romero: Ay, excuse us, uh, lovely, lovelyladies, but this is very embarrassing. We don’t knowwho is who.
Ricardo Montalban: You see, we have beenchumming around Hollywood for so long together –Ricardo, Fernando and Cesar — the best of friends, wedo everything together, we eat together, drinktogether, sleep over at each other’s Hollywood homes.Ha! Sometimes Cesar and I sleep at Fernando’s,sometimes Cesar and Fernando sleep at Ricardo’s houseand–
Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait aminute. You said you were Ricardo.
Ricardo Montalban: [laughs] Ah ha haha!
Fernando Lamas: I thought I wasRicardo.
Cesar Romero: I am Ricardo. You see, we are allof us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see?It is all very terribly confusing. We don’t know whowe are.
Fernando Lamas: Perhaps, uh, we could join youat your table.
Jane: Well, ah, we – we are waiting forour dates.
Jean: Yeah. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris.
Ricardo Montalban: Well, actually, we, too,were supposed to meet some lovely ladies here thisevening — Jill St. John, Susan St. James and EvaMarie Saint.
Cesar Romero: Right.
Ricardo Montalban: But, luckily, they canceledout and our evening is free so we’d love to join youuntil those insipid, pretty-boy flashes-in-the-pannamed George show up.
Jean: Oh, I don’t see why not.
Ricardo Montalban: Ah, good.
[The three men pull up chairs to join the ladies attheir table as a third woman in black, Joan, arrives.Cesar bows graciously and holds her chair for her. Sheand the men take seats.]
Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. [to the women] Badnews, girls. George Hamilton, George Maharis andGeorge Chakiris stood us up for other dates.
Jean and Jane: [disappointed] Ooohhhhhh!Who?
Joan: Elke Sommer, Britt Ekland and MayBritt.
Joan: [to the men] Oh, hi. I don’t think we’vebeen introduced.
Ricardo Montalban: My name is RicardoMontalban.
Fernando Lamas: My name is RicardoMontalban.
Cesar Romero: My name is RicardoMontalban.
Jean: Two of these three gentlemen arelying.
Joan: Well, will the real Ricardo Montalbanplease stand up?
[The three men feint standing up. Much laughter andapplause from the crowd for this parody of the oldgame show “To Tell the Truth.” Finally, the men remainseated and they and the women laugh heartily at theirlittle joke.]
Fernando Lamas: We do this every night.
Jean: Joan, meet Fernando Lamas, Cesar Romeroand Ricardo Montalban.
Joan: Well — who’s who?
Ricardo Montalban: Even we don’t know who’swho! The only way to tell is to run out to the parkinglot and see whose car keys fit the Cordoba! …[applause]
Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] May – may I assureyou that our confusion is as sincere as it ischarming. You wanna make out with me?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout youover there? A little bit of Mix Master, huh? Comeon.
Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] All right, what aboutyou, right here?
Jean: Not right now.
Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just checking. I gotplenty o’ time.
Cesar Romero: [cuttingly, to Fernando] Zero onstyle, you know?
Ricardo Montalban: Okay, watch this guys. Watchthis. [smoothly, to Jane] Your eyes are like tintedopera windows. Your hair and skin is like the finestCorinthian leather.
Fernando Lamas: [to Joan] Say, uh, have youchanged your mind yet?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jane] Okay. How ’bout you,right over here? You change your mind?
Fernando Lamas: [to Jean] What about this girl,right here?
Jean: No, no.
Fernando Lamas: Okay. Just let me know. I’m inno hurry, I’ll be right here.
Jean: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think Ican figure out who you are. Let me see your carkeys.
Fernando Lamas: Certainly.
Ricardo Montalban: Glad to comply, lovelylady.
Cesar Romero: Yes.
[The men pull out their car keys and put them in frontof Jean.]
Fernando Lamas: [hands keys to Jean, smoothly]And to my heart as well.
Jean: [examines the keys] Okay. Matador,Granada and Cordoba. [hands keys back to Ricardo]You are Ricardo.
Cesar Romero: No! Stupid fool! At least we knowthat! None of us here is Ricky Ricardo!
Ricardo Montalban: Of course! I am RicardoMontalban!
Cesar Romero and Fernando Lamas:Aaaahhhhh!
Ricardo Montalban: My commercial endorsements,it’s all coming back to me. “As a Spaniard, I love tofeel the wind and fire in my face. When I choose acar, I choose a car with a certain spirit, a car thatwill–” You know, I mean, the commercials. They’rerunning all over the place.
Jean: Okay, okay. Now, it’s between Fernandoand Cesar.
Jane: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I havea picture of Fernando Lamas. It came with my wallet.[takes out wallet, shows picture to others]There!
Fernando Lamas: Aha! That’s me!
Cesar Romero: That’s you?
Fernando Lamas: I am Fernando Lamas!
Ricardo Montalban: I am Ricardo!
Cesar Romero: Then that means – I am CesarRomero! Excellent! I loved myself in “Weekend inHavana”!
[Excited and happy, everyone begins laughing andtalking at once. Fernando calls out:]
Fernando Lamas: Waiter, can we have some wine,please?! Wine for the ladies! We are celebratingourselves!
[As he does, three Italian men dressed in blackjumpsuits with low-cut necklines, enter and approach anearby table at which sit three bored women in blackwith identical hairstyles.]
1st Italian Man: [with accent] Excuse us,lovely, lovely ladies, but perhaps you can help us. Iam either Sergio Franchi, Rossano Brazzi or EnzoStuarti.
All Three Italian Men: You see, we are a bitconfused.
1st Woman: [matter-of-fact] Let’s see yourkeys, boys. Whoever’s driving the Volare mustbe Sergio Franchi.
[Applause. Dissolve to the applauding crowd and zoomin on audience members Mr. and Mrs. Chevy Chase. Mrs.Chase smiles as Mr. Chase picks his nose. He sees thecamera on him, stops and stares into it. Asuperimposed text reads: USED TO BE ON THE SHOW. Aftera pause, he joins in on the applause as we fadeout.]
… Jane Curtin Voice of Duane Bobick … Tom Davis Voice of Emily Litella … Gilda Radner
[Sound of teletype clicking. Jane Curtin sits at theWU desk talking on the phone.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now — Weekend Update withJane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [casually, into the phone,discussing former cast member Chevy Chase who is inthe audience for tonight’s show] Oh, come on, give mea break. I mean, so the guy has his special — doesthat make him a star? Okay, yeah, granted the ratingswere good but he followed Richard Pryor!Richard Pryor’s wonderful! Who’s gonna get upand turn the TV off when they’re laughing? Oh, did yousee him on the Carson show? I have to admit, I lovedhim on that. My – my – my favorite part was when heasked his wife to stand up in the audience — it wasjust like Steve Allen and Jane Meadows. … [sees thecamera is on] Oh, I – I gotta go. Bye. [hangs up,adopts her no-nonsense newswoman persona] Our topstory tonight:
In a spectacular coup, the National BroadcastingCompany has signed heavyweight boxer Duane Bobick toan exclusive five year contract as a networkpersonality. Beating out the other networks, thecontract was signed just seconds before Bobick steppedinto the ring with Ken Norton. Asked to comment,Bobick said, quote: [Jane points to her throat and,with wide eyes, does a garbled Donald Duck imitation]…
TV personality David Frost, inspired by the success ofhis Nixon interviews, has announced plans to interviewformer presidents Johnson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Trumanand Roosevelt. … Answering comments that the planseemed preposterous, Frost said, “If people believeNixon, they’ll believe anything.” …[applause]
[Photo of a wide-eyed Jimmy Carter which draws a laughfrom the crowd] While in London for last week’s summitmeeting, President Carter recommended that one of hisfavorite poets, Dylan Thomas, be removed from hisgrave in Wales and enshrined in historic WestminsterAbbey. Carter also requested that another of hisfavorite poets, Rod McKuen, be buried in the Abbeyimmediately. …
Patty Hearst, shown here relaxing on the lawn at SanSimeon, was placed on five years’ probation for herarmed robbery and assault charge and ordered to paysix thousand dollars in property damage. Despiterumors of romance, Miss Hearst says she has no plans,commenting, “I don’t want to marry and settle downbefore I’ve had a little excitement in my life.”…
Sixty-four year old cowboy Roy Rogers stated this weekthat when he dies, he would like to be stuffed andmounted on top of Trigger, his dead horse, who is alsostuffed and mounted. When asked to comment on this,Dale Evans, Roy’s affectionate wife, said that she,too, would like to be stuffed and mounted but notnecessarily in that order. … [applause]
[Photo of Mount Rushmore] A film expert claimed thisweek that there is a fifth face on the nationalmonument Mount Rushmore. Larger and more subtlydefined than the four presidents’ faces, it isbelieved to be the profile of comedian David Brenner.[Doctored photo of Mount Rushmore with an outline ofDavid Brenner’s head superimposed.] …
[Photo of golfer Jack Nicklaus in mid-stroke, standingin a sand trap] In sports, Jack Nicklaus won the thirdannual Quaker Oats Invitational. He is shown hereclinching victory by blasting out of an oatmeal trapdirectly into an egg cup. …
[Doctored photo of Watergate figures John Mitchell,John E. Ehrlichman and H. R. “Bob” Haldeman wearingMickey Mouse ears] Well, Watergate cover-upco-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Ehrlichman and”Cubby” Haldeman have been signed as Mouseketeers onthe Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to commenton this unusual move, the three defendants said inunison: “Why? Because we like you!” …
[Photo of what appears to be a Japanese man with astick standing above a Japanese woman who is neck deepin water.] Still to come: Japanese ceremonialwife-drowning after this message.
[Applause as we go to commercial.]
[A bell rings and once again we are watching theentire fifty-eight second video of the KenNorton-Duane Bobick fight. The fight — betweenNorton, a black man in blue trunks, and Bobick, awhite man in tan trunks — unfolds withoutinterruption under the following voice overs:]
Duane Bobick V/O: You are about to witness acrime. Hello, this is Duane Bobick. According tostatistics, every fifty-eight seconds a white man isbrutally beaten by a black man. … This is notnecessarily the fault of the black man becauseenvironmental and societal conditions sometimes leavehim no choice. That’s where the Black EducationalConference comes in. They have shown thousands ofblack men that they do not have to resort to violenceto prove their masculinity. They’ve shown blacks howto find rich, fulfilling and non-aggressive careers inthe fields of computer technology, businessadministration and dentistry, that there aresatisfactions in life other than beating up on whitey…. [Norton is beating the crap out of Bobick] Theysuffered for four hundred years and we’re sorry aboutit. I’ve seen “Roots” and so have you. Let’s give thema chance to use their minds. [Norton knocks Bobickdown] Remember, a better-educated black man is aweaker opponent. Show them how sorry we are. Help theblack man gain respect for themselves. I know Ihave.
Don Pardo V/O: Send money to Black EducationalConference, Box 58, New York. And, remember, abetter-educated black man is a weakeropponent.
[The referee ends the fight. Applause as we return toJane at the WU desk.]
Jane Curtin: The makers of the Mr. Coffeeappliance revealed this week that over a half millionof the machines have a defect which may cause a shortcircuit resulting in fire. Our Update consumerdepartment reports that the Mr. Coffee manufacturerdoes not plan to recall the dangerous units — [Photoof smiling Mr. Coffee spokesman Joe DiMaggio holding afire extinguisher] — but will introduce a newproduct, Mr. Fire Extinguisher. …
[Doctored photo of Jimmy Carter with sticks ofdynamite] In a surprise move this week, PresidentJimmy Carter strapped three sticks of dynamite to hisbody and made himself into a human bomb. …Addressing Congress, Carter threatened to explodehimself unless one of the senior members of the Houseoffered to date his aging mother Lillian. …
Jane Curtin: And now, with tonight’scommentary, is Emily Litella. [applause as we pullback to include an empty chair next to Jane -irritated, Jane loses her composure] I knew this wasgoing to happen. Where the hell is she? … [Janepicks up the phone and dials as she mutters toherself] For God’s sakes. Irresponsible, annoyingwoman. God knows she’s no longer funny. … [phonerings]
Voice of Emily Litella: Hello. This is EmilyLitella. I’m not home right now. But I will call youback as soon as possible. Just leave your name,number, and what time you called, after you hear thesound of the jeep. … [a beep sounds]
Jane Curtin: Emily, that’s beep, not jeep. Ajeep is an army vehicle, a jeep is a tone. You shouldknow that if you were in television. Beep, not jeep![ready to hang up]
Voice of Emily Litella: Ohhhhhhh … nevermind.
Jane Curtin: [startled to hear Emily respond,then ticked off] Stupid woman.
Voice of Emily Litella: Bitch. …
[Applause as Jane hangs up and stares at the phonemoodily.]
Jane Curtin: [as nicely as possible] That’s ournews for tonight. Good night and have a pleasanttomorrow.
[Applause as Jane gives the phone a dirty look,muttering something under her breath. Pull back andfade away.]
[ open on Husband and Wife making their way down the cafeteria food line ]
Wife: Does it look like I’ve been cryin’, or does it look like an eye irritation?
Husband: I don’t know, man.
Wife: I hope to God it looks like an eye irritation! The whole world don’t have to know I just bin cryin’ in the K-mart!
Husband: Knock it off, man!
Wife: Standin’ in the checkout line, with tears runnin’ down my cheeks because my husband will not allow me to buy the original soundtrack album of “A Star is Born”! With Barbra Streisand, my world’s most meaningful actress!
Husband: You know what? I HATE Barbra Streisand! She’s got the hair of a lunatic!
Wife: Can’t buy the album ’cause certain people need the $6.49 plus tax they are saving for a bubble window for their van, which they must have in time for Van-o-Rama!
Husband: [ points his finger in her face ] You lay off ME! But, first, you lay off my VAN! Okay?!
Wife: The van! The van! Huh. Custom paint job, orange nylon pile of carpet on the floor, the walls, the ceiling, hot pink crushed velvet curtains, the CB panel all covered in pinkand orange shag carpet, and a fake fur bedspread! You got better stuff in that van than we got in our house! That van look like the King of the World’s home, that’s what!
Husband: Don’t give me none of that King of the World stuff! The King of the World don’t install his own air-conditioning! Now that van was a Chevy, and it came WITHOUT air-conditioning factory air, so I installed it myself! Remember?! I installed it myself!
Wife: I remember. ‘Til six o’clock in the morning, the night “Earthquake, part 1” was on TV! I’m watching the WORKD shake apart, you’re installin’ AIR! I’m asleep, you’re installin’ air! I’m fryin’ up breakfast strips, you’re installin’ air!
Husband: Well, who wouldn’t like to install air? Okay? Who wouldn’t like it? I LIKE installing air! I LOVE it! You get to use TWELVE different wrenches!
Wife: Twelve different wrenches. Isn’t that some big news! Like findin’ out in the Enquirer how different movie stars like their steak!
Husband: Alright, just lay off, okay? Let’s just eat here — I gotta go home, I gotta nail some more, uh, studs into the plush chamber!
Wife: I hate that name!
Husband: It’s not something you can hate, or like, or agree, or disagree with! It’s just the name of a certain area in the van! You know? I mean, like, it’s the name of the area except for the BED area, that’s it! It’s a plush chamber! And it’s called a plush chamber because it IS a plush… chamber!
[ they stand silently for a moment, ignoring each other’s gaze to stare toward the food server ]
Husband: A rare and a rare.
Wife: You know, that was the best movie I’ve seen in six months? It was very tender. You know, the kind where you’re in the audience but you keep wishing you were the one… in love with the girl, uh — the man on the screen, you know? I get off on tenderness.
Husband: [ ignoring her ] It’s decided. I’m gonna do the exterior, custom painting, in red-white pearl eyes, and, uh, red, white, and blue — I’m gonna call the whole thing “New Glory”. Like, you know, like, the flag is “Old Glory”, I’m gonna call this “New Glory”. Because, like, it’s a ’76 Chevy, you know, and it’s new, it’s gonna be called “New Glory”. And, if I have the right paint, I’m gonna put, like, grain, you know? Like a wheat field, you know, with purple mountains in the background on the side. Yeah! It’ll be really nice. What do you think?
Wife: I don’t think I’ll be expressin’ opinions, so nobody can say I was… gettin’ on ’em!
Husband: [ disgusted ] Nobody’s gonna say anything! I’m just asking for an opinion; I just want an attitude, that’s all!
Wife: Huh? Alright. Well, I think it STINKS!
Husband: GET OFF ME, WILLYA?!!
Wife: And here’s what else stinks: the simulated wood plaque with a simulated carving of a naked girl with your astrological sign branded on her belly, that you got hid behind the sun visor above th left windshield!
Husband: How’d you know about that?
Wife: I seen it last week when you went to get yuor sunglasses. And I’ll tellyou one mroe thing: I don’t think the leopard headdress on the driver’s seat makes it look ANYTHING a throne!
Husband: [ glumly ] You said you did…
Wife: Well, I was lyin’! Oh… and one more thing, in case you’re interested: I’m the one who wrote “WASH ME!” with their finger in the dust on the back door.
Husband: You know you’re crazy?! You’re TURNIN’ on me right now! Here, we go out to see the Barbra Streisand movie, we go to K-Mart to pick up cottonballs in between, we come out for a STEAK dinner, and then NOW, when it’s too late, when the movie’s bought, paid for, and seen, you TURN on me!!
Wife: Because I’m tired of our life! And, between us, bleieve me, we only got one life left — YOURS! And I am TIRED of watchin’ you bolt beverage caddies to the front console… tired of waitin’ up for you, ’til you’re done installin’ color bars that pulsate in time with the music over the bed… tired of watchin’ you jewel the steerin’ wheel… not leavin’ time to see any but ONE movie in six months, or money to buy the original soundtrack album! In the name of my life, movies and original soundtrack albums, I am FINALLY speakin’ out!
Husband: Well, you just remember ONE… THING! Okay? [ he pats her belly ] I got you that way IN the plush chamber!
Wife: I know.
Husband: And, to tell you the truth — we were watching Lawrence Welk, you know, in the TV plugged in on the car port? Well, while I was PUTTING IT to you, I imagined I was PUTTING IT to ALL FOUR of the Lennon Sisters at once!
Wife: Ohhh, alright. Well, let me tell YOU: if this baby’s a girl, I would like its FIRST name to be Barbra, and its MIDDLE name to be Streisand. And I am gonna see that it IS, because I am gonna tell them, in the hospital, in the delivery room, before you can get to them, while thye are writin’ out the birth certificate: Barbra… Streisand… JOHNSON!! [ he sighs ] Huh! And they will be NOTHIN’ you can do about it but live with a daughter named for a person with lunatic hair!
Husband: Okay. Look, man… YOU… and Barbra Streisand… and ALL your friends put together don’t understand ONE thing!! A VAN is a HOUSE on WHEELS!! Okay?! And it’s got a lot more FURthan any HOUSE we’ve ever HAD, okay?! And it GOES where you want!! You get a FUR-COVERED HOUSE!! It may not be REAL fur, but, let’s face it, the only person that can buy REAL fur is a MILLIONAIRE! Okay?! It’s a fur house! It goes without saying it’s not real fur, BUT… that plush chamber is the closest THING… that I’m gonna have, in this or any other lifetime, to a moveable FUR HOUSE!! Do you get that?! Do you understand that?!
Wife: Yeah, I understand! [ a beat ] You gonna eat your salad?
Husband: Yeah, yeah. Here. [ he hands it to her ] You can have it, I don’t want it.
Wife: Thanks. [ they continue down the line ] It’s from your father. You won’t admit it is, but it is. The man who said salad was invented by Communists, and you’re the one who told me he said it. So don’t try to get out of it now! He said it in the ’50’s, when people only ate salad in the summer, and it wasn’t a hot meal, and your father always WANTED a hot meal, so he told your mother salad was invented by the Communists and you believed him until this very day!
Wife: You can turn into your father any time now, if you don’t watch out. Already, every night, you sit in your chair with a joint instead of a beer can. Already, you got a yellow mechanical pencil you don’t never lose. And already, you’re ignorin’ your wife.
Husband: [ giving in ] I’ll buy you that album. Okay? [ he sighs heavily ]
Wife: Alright. And, if it’s a girl, it’s Tammy.
Husband: And that time with the Lennon Sisters? It might have been another night. [ they finally approach the cashier ] A rare and a rare… two juices… a salad… two coffees. And a pudding.
[ camera pans upward into the audience, zoom slowly upon a woman with SUPER: “Hyperpassive” ]
[ fade ]
[In slinky black and gold outfits, host Shelley Duvalland the three female cast members stand at Home Basein front of a glittering curtain. Jane and Larainecarry electric guitars. They are lined up behind fourmicrophones on the stage with their arms raised andtheir backs to the audience. The SNL Band is playingthe opening theme.]
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, the VideoVixens!
[The opening theme ends. The band launches into thesong “Video Vixens.” SUPER: Video Vixens. A flash oflight, a puff of smoke, and the women turn to face theaudience, hollering things like, “Hey, rock ‘n’ roll!”Throughout the number, they pose as sluttily andprovocatively as possible and sing:]
Vixens: [singing]They call us joke junkies And punch line punks And when we hear them talkin’ We get in coast to coast funks But they can just say what they want ‘Cause we remember sticks ‘n’ Stones can’t break the bones Of a Video Vixen
Gilda Radner: Hey! Hey!
[Jane and Laraine throw away their electricguitars.]
Vixens: [singing]We’re Video Vixens And this is how we get our licks in Every week for an hour and a half All we want to do is make – you –
Gilda Radner: Laugh hard-duh!
Vixens: [faking orgasms] Uh uh uh!
Jane Curtin: Harder!
Vixens: Uh uh uh!
Shelley Duvall: Harder!
Vixens: Uh uh uh!
Laraine Newman: Harderrrrrr!
Vixens: Uh uh uh! [singing]When we come on to your screen It makes us feel just like a queen All we wanna do once a week Is to put our tongue in your cheek
Gilda Radner:Baba Wawa makes you feel sogood
Jane Curtin:“Update” makes you happy like Iknew it would
Shelley Duvall:And, as your host, you’llfind me, oh, so nice!
Laraine Newman:When I’m Sherry, you justwant me to do it twice [shouts]And the only way we really like it is with fortymillion people watching!
Vixens: [singing]We’re Video Vixens And this is how we get our licks in You turn us on every week, it’s true That’s why our ratings don’t go down onyou
Jane Curtin: Go down on you!
Gilda Radner: Go down on you!
Shelley Duvall: Go down on you!
Laraine Newman: Go down on you!
Gilda Radner: [imitates Steve Martin] Well,excuuuuuuse me!
Vixens: [chanting]We ain’t afraid of no one in prime time and theybetter beware We’d take on Rhoda, Phyllis, or Laverne and Shirley,we swear Why, if they ever tread on our turf, we’d tear outtheir hair And that goes twice for Cher! And after “Victory at Entebbe” we were waitin’ fordays To beat the livin’ daylights out o’ Helen Hayes! Helen Hayes! Helen Hayes! [singing]We’re media minxes You know we’re show biz sphinxes We’re late night lynxes Our favorite trucks are Brinkses We’re transfixin’ hicks in the sticks Not to mention Harrys, Toms and Dicks We’re Video Vixens We’re not Jeane Dixon No dirty tricks ‘n’ Richard Nixon
Gilda and Laraine:We’re Jewishgirls
Jane and Shelley:And we’reshiksens
Vixens: [singing]But mostly we’re just Videoooooooo Vixens [shouting]Get it – unh!
[Applause as the women march in a circle onstagehollering things like “Rock ‘n’ roll!” beforereturning to the mikes as the song ends. Theybow.]
Shelley Duvall: Yeah! Rock ‘n’ roll! Rock ‘n’roll! Whooo! All right, all right. We’ll be right backafter this message, honey.
Weekend Update with Jane CurtinSummary: Seattle Slew’s jockey (Chevy Chase) mumbles his way through the Preakness. Emily Litella reports as Congresswoman Bella Abzug throws her “cat” into the ring. Buck Henry hopes to get laid by Jane Curtin by presenting hr with a phony achievement plaque.