Buck Henry: Well, Jane, I don’t think we can keep it a secret any longer. Do you want to tell them?
Jane Curtin: I guess not, Buck. [ chickens out ] Here is a song from Randy Newman!
[ dissolve to Randy Newman at the Theater of the Performing Arts ]
Randy Newman: [ singing ]“In America, you’ll get food to eat Won’t have to run through the jungle And scuff up your feet You’ll just sing about Jesus and drink wine all day It’s great to be an American.
Ain’t no lions or tigers, ain’t no mamba snake Just the sweet watermelon and the buckwheat cake Ev’rybody is as happy as a man can be Climb aboard little wog, sail away with me.
Sail away, sail away We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay Sail away, sail away We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay.
In America, every man is free To take care of his home and his family You’ll be as happy as a monkey in a monkey tree You’re all gonna be an American.
Sail away, sail away We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay Sail away, sail away We will cross the mighty ocean into Charleston Bay.”
[ audience applauds ]
Randy Newman: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much!
…..Buck Henry …..Jane Curtin Ricky Mussolini…..John Belushi
[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Baba and Helen.
Buck Henry: You know, every year around Mardi Gras time, hundreds of traditional events take place. The most spectacular to me are the lavish masquerade recreations of famous happenings in New Orleans’ history. The men of the Krewe of Vastoth [?] annually restage the 300-mile crossing of the bayou by pirate Jean Lafitte in 1810. That’s one that the folks really enjoy. The combined Krewes of [?] and Apollo always serve their commemorative gumbo brunch for 20,000 people on a festival barge in the middle of Lake Pontchartrain.
Jane Curtin: I’ve never been to one, Buck, but I hear that’s quite a party.
Buck Henry: And I am personally intrigued by one of the more recent Carnival events, and that is the yearly Masquerade Re-Creation of Italian dictator Benito Mussolini’s state visit to New Orleans in 1940. Let’s go now to the French Quarter, where the Krewe of [?] is re-creating that colorful and historic event.
[ dissolve to a close-up shot of a crowd of revelers chanting, zoom out to reveal the magnitude of this crowd ]
Buck Henry V/O: This, of course —
[ cut to exteriro shot of a French Quarter building, the balcony draped with an Italian flag ]
Buck Henry V/O: This, of course, has been done each year since 1966, to commemorate il Dulce’s formal address to the waters of the Mississippi delta.
[ the crowd cheers with excitement, as John Belushi, dressed as Benito Mussolini, steps onto the balcony and looks down proudly ]
[ outstretches his arms and addresses the crowd in thick Italian, only the word “party” coming through audibly, which is enough to cause the drunken crowd below to erupt into ecstatic applause ]
[ dissolve back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Buck Henry: The part of Benito is being portrayed by his 27-year old grandson, Ricky Mussolini. He looks like he’s having fun out there tonight. Ricky Musso — Ricky Mussolini, playing his grandfather, here at the Mardi Gras. Incidentally, Ricky is a successful pick-up truck salesman in [ with a Cajun accent ] Bat-on Rouge.
[ extended silence, as Buck and Jane look to the camera with uncertainty. The Bacchus parade has still not arrived at this location. A lone voice shouts in the background, as Jane taps her earpiece. ]
Jane Curtin: Uh – something that you might find interesting: the origin of the parade. One-hundred years ago, thousands of people began to line both sides of Canal Street, for no particular reason. After years of going away disappointed, the city put a parade in the middle!
Stanley Kowalski…..John Belushi Black Man…..Garrett Morris Stella…..Laraine Newman
[ open on exterior, city street at night. Pan across to reveal a torn-shirted Stanley Kowalski stepping off of a streetcar line and staggering toward a row of apartments while clutching a can of beer. ]
Stanley Kowalski: [ glances upward ] Stellllllllaaaaa!!! Stelllllllllll-aaaaaaaaaaa!!!
[ a light turns on in a second-floor window ]
Stanley Kowalski: STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
[ Black Man steps out on second-floor balcony from window ]
Black Man: Hey, uh – listen, pal – there’s no Stella here.
Stanley Kowalski: STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Black Man: Hey! Look, uh, I-I’m trying to tell you, baby – there’s no Stella here, uh —
Stanley Kowalski: I know Stella’s there! [ falls to his knees ] STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! This is my HOUSE! I know Stella’s up there! STELLLLLLLLLL-AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Black Man: Look – look – look — you – you want Desire and Elysian Fields, right? Huh?
Stanley Kowalski: [ stands ] Right.. yeah.
Black Man: Well, this is Desire and Royal. You’re two blocks too far south, baby.
Stanley Kowalski: [ comprehends this information, shakes his head ] Oh — [ smacks his forehead ] Ohhh, wowwwww! Oh! [ shakes his head ] Hey, I’m really sorry, I-I —
Black Man: Hey, that’s okay, that’s okay —
Stanley Kowalski: I was a little juiced up tonight, and I-I thought this was my house and —
Black Man: I-it’s okay.
Stanley Kowalski: Wow! Wow! [ walks off, mumbling incoherently to himself ]
[ a lightly-dressed white woman steps onto the second-floor balcony to join the black man ]
Stella: Who was that, honey?
Black Man: Stanley.
Stella: Oh, I should have known! come on back to bed, huh? [ wraps her arms around him ]
Black Man: Okay, Stella!
[ they re-enter the apartment. Audience cheers. ]
[ fade ]
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd Honker…..Bill Murray Velocity…..Cindy Williams
[ open on title card: “Tomorrow” ]
[ dissolve to Tom Snyder standing in front of a strip club on Bourbon Street. Various signs advertise “Men & Girls”, “Topless & Bottomless Table Top Dancing”, and Peep Show.” Tom is speaking indistinctly with a bouncer named Honker before he notices the camera ]
Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody! Tonight, we’re doing the “Tomorrow” show from Mardi Gras, on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. I must tell you at the outset of this program that if you’re offended by the discussion of explicit sexual phenomena.. then change the channel and watch a movie, alright? Becuase, tonight, we’re looking into the bizarre world of – well, I might as well just say it – topless and bottomless bars! [ chuckles ] Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [ looks toward the bouncer ] Uh – uh, sir, can we have a word with you, please? Uh – sir, what is your name?
Honker: Uh – the Honker. Everybody calls me Honker out here.
Tom Snyder: Alright, Mr. Honker, uh – I take it that, uh, your job is to attract people into coming into this establishment. Am I correct, sir?
Honker: Well, I, uh, personally, have nothing covered, but if you’re the kind of person who likes boobs ‘n bras, uh, then ya’ gotta check this OUT! We have the most beautiful girls in town, and continuous entertainment – but with NO cover, and drinks are only a dollar, of course.
Tom Snyder: Well, that sounds.. just terrific.
Honker: At this time, Mr. Snyder, The Pink Lady is proud to present you with — [ a dancer steps out with a hurricane glass, as the crowd of revelers cheer ] — a complimentary hurricane made up of four different kinds of rum, with a delicious fruit-flavored punch.
Tom Snyder: Thank you very much. Uh – young lady, what is your name?
Tom Snyder: Alright, Velocity, I’m gonna ask you a question, but I – I’m gonna make it short because I — [ noticing her cleavage ] don’t want to make you get cold! Ha ha ha ha! Now, you’re, uh, you’re one of the topless and bottomless performers here at The Pink Lady, is that correct?
Velocity: Yes, that is correct.
Tom Snyder: How many hours a day do you work?
Tom Snyder: And how much of that time are you actually dancing?
Velocity: Oh.. fifteen minutes to an hour.
Tom Snyder: Soooo.. well.. how – so, that’s how many hours per week, then?
Velocity: Oh, I would say.. nine-and-a-quarter hours a week.
Tom Snyder: Alright. And how long have you been employed by The Pink Lady?
Velocity: Eighteen months.
Tom Snyder: So, that’s about.. uh.. how many total dancing hours?
Velocity: [ does the math in her head ] Six-hundred and twenty.
Tom Snyder: Okay. You log six-hundred and twenty hours. Do you yourself ever become sexually aroused while you’re dancing?
Tom Snyder: Okay. Say I watch your act, and I come up to you after the act and ask you for sexual favors in exchange for money. Would you be amenable to such an exchange.
Velocity: No, no, definitely no, no, no, no.
Tom Snyder: Well, prostitution is illegal – we’re on national TV. I don’t suppose you’d admit to it even if you did do it.
Velocity: Then, why did you ask me?
Tom Snyder: Well, I.. thought maybe you’d say yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
Velocity: Well, the answer’s no, Mr. Snyder. I’m an artist – like yourself. [ Tom nods ] Do you prostitute yourself?
Tom Snyder: [ quickly, in a panic ] Well, thank you very much for talking with us, Velocity! There you have it. You can’t go into a topless-bottomless bar on Bourbon Street in Louisiana and buy a girl – not here, anyway. [ Velocity exits inside the club, as Honker reappears ] Uh – well, I guess it’s time to go on inside The Pink Lady here and find out just what goes on inside these clubs! Now, our cameras can’t go in, so I’m jut ging to go on inside, I’ll give you an eyewitness report. Mr. Honker, would you hold my microphone, please?
Honker: Certainly, Tom.
[ Honker takes the microphone, as Tom enters inside the club ]
Honker: [ speaking into the microphone ] Okay, uh – okay, check it out, come on in, everybody! Uh – big celebrity, Tom Snyder, is inside right now watching the dancers onstage! Check it out – continuous entertainment! [ to a pair of passersby ] Tom snyder, the “Tomorrow” show, is INSIDE the club right now! Go ahead in, it’s a terrific show! Believe me, these girls have a lot upstairs! You know, it’s funny – peole say, “They’re just for physique.” No! They got a LOT of intelligence! A LOT of them go to school —
[ Tom returns from inside the club and takes his microphone back ]
Tom Snyder: Thank you. Well, I must say, Mr. Honker – I’m sorry to say this, but – well – quite frankly, I’d call your establishment a RIPOFF! I went in there expecting topless and bottomless – frankly, I saw G-STRINGS and I saw PASTIES!! Now – how do you account for this false advertising?
Honker: Well, now, you’re talking about COMPLETELYtopless and COMPLETELY bottomless! Uh, the only place you’re gonna see that, uh, is out in California! I’ll tell ya’, though – I worked a place out in Salt Lake City, they made the girls there wear one-piece bathing suits, they only served three to a beer – the place was still PACKED! Frankly, I think that people might want to leave a little to the imagination, you know? You know what I mean?
Tom Snyder: Haha! I’ll tell you, when we were coming out of KNBC in California, everyo nce in a while, some of the guys and I would go down to Tijuana, some of the crew and – well, one of them – some of the guys in the crew – especially Bobby Brown – remembered this one young lady, and, well, I might say that – well, you don’t know what muscle cotnrol is until you see this girl’s act! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Well, of course, that’s Tijuana, and they’re having a lot of problems down in that town. Mr. Honker, thank you for talking with us. [ to the camera ] We’ve been at The Pink Lady in Bourbon Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. [ Honker begins bouncing around behind tom and making faces for the camera ] Uh – tomorrow on the “Tomorrow” show, my guest is going to be the Human Fly – he’s the guy who climbed twenty-eight floors, up to my office in the RCA Building in New York City, and said, “Let me on the show.” He was on the outside of the building, how could I turn him down? We also have Alexander Cobanisky [?] – he’ll be with us. And good night, everybody!
[ camera pulls back, then zooms down on some garbage in the street and the title card slide appears over the garbage ]
[ fade ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry.
Buck Henry: Good evening. Our top story tonight: an unprecedented move by an American president was made this week, when Jimmy Carter wrote a letter to Soviet dissident, Andre S??, telling him that the United States backs his intentions one-hundred percent. And, in what has been considered a blatant act of retaliation, Soviet Premier Leonid Brehznev has written a letter to Jimmy Carter, saying that, quote, “Your mother is quite wrinkled and extremely old.” Unquote. [ to Jane ] An ancient Russian means of retaliation.
Jane Curtin: Ah. In the wake of the CIA’s famous foreign powers, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed today that it paid over three million dollars in hush money to Generalissimo Francisco Franco over the past eighteen months for keeping quiet on certain matters.
Buck Henry: Well, a Liberian luxury liner broke in half off the coast of Rhode Island this afternoon, killing all of the 2,200 passengers and crew aboard. Coast Guard officials have expressed fear that the bodies spilled may drift to New England beaches, becoming a navigation hazard and clogging the lobster traps. More on this story as it develops.
Jane Curtin: And, in a moving ceremony today, Mayor Moon Landrieau gave New Orleans’ native son, Garrett Morris, the combination to the city. We’ll take you now to that ceremony, in progress.
[ cut to Mayor Moon Landrieau standing on the street with Garrett Morris ]
Mayor Moon Landrieau: Garrett, this is the combination to the City of New Orleans. [ hands a perplexed Garrett a piece of paper ] It’s 33-left, 41-right, and 19-left.
[ as they speak, a reveler can be seen walking past in the background. Suddenly aware of the cameras, the masked reveler casually saunters towards Garrett, the Mayor, and the cameras, unseen by both men but quickly apprehended by the NOPD. ]
Garrett Morris: Thank you very much, Mr. Mayor. This is quite an honor.
Mayor Moon Landrieau: Not actually, Garrett. We’re gonna change it tomorrow.
[ cut back to Buck and Jane ]
Buck Henry: Well, in spite of his recent injury, and always a showman and perennial crowd please, daredevil Evil Knievel jumped the entire length of last night’s Mardi Gras parade in his hospital bed.
[ show slide of hospital bed flying over the Superdome ]
More on his condition, as the bulletins come in.
Jane Curtin: Let’s go now to Laraine Newman, with a live report on another of those quaint Mardi Gras traditions.
[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to a man with mice taped to his eyebrows ]
Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m out here on the strret, talking to the people, and, as crazy as it sounds, uh, tonight’s the night they call “Mouse sunday.” People all over New Orleans are taping white mice to their eyes. I’m with them right now. [ points her microphone toward the man’s face ]
Man: Careful – I can’t see a thing!
Laraine Newman: Well, sir, I have just one question.
Laraine Newman: Why?
Man: For kicks! We do it for kicks! Ha ha! That’s all! Ha ha!
Laraine Newman: I see. Uh, when did this custom originate?
Man: Well, I don’t know, uh – I mean, I do it, uh, my father did it, my grandpa did it just before him.. my MA done it, she’s great!
Laraine Newman: Yeah, but.. what possible pleasure could derive from it?
Man: Excuse me, uh – are you are a man or a woman?
Laraine Newman: [ sternly ] I’m a woman.
Man: [ smoothly ] Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink somewhere? What do you say we go over to Pat O’Briens, and — [ the roar of the cheering crowd drowns him out ] You like dixieland music, huh?
Laraine Newman: Uh, sir – these mice, are they dead? [ touches one of the mice ]
Man: NO, they’re not dead! They’re just asleep! [ taps the mice ] Come on, wake up! Wake up! Let’s get those whiskers movin’! Hey! I’m talkin’ to YOU! Come on! Up and at ’em! [ to Laraine ] Hey, how ’bout a walk to some voodoo? what do you say, would you like to make some reeaal voodoo? Of course, you have to take your clothes off. I mean, you have to take your clothes off, it’s a real sticky place!
Laraine Newman: I’ve always wanted to see the real voodoo. Are you sure those mice are okay?
Man: They’re fine.. they’re okay..
Laraine Newman: Well.. I’ll just have to do the wrap-up, and then we can leave. [ to the camera ] People taping white mice to their eyes! All part of the fun and gaiety, as Mardi Gras renews an ancient custom. [ the Man feeds a can of beer to his two mice ] This is Laraine Newman, somewhere in the French Quarter.
[ the Man continues to show Laraine his mice, as we cut back to Buck and Jane ]
Jane Curtin: Still to come: Are shoes an endangered species? [ show slide of real alligator shoes ] A float depicting the history of skiing accidents. And the Vatican College of Cardinals Marching Band and Drill Team. After this report from Weekend Update roving reporter, Emily Litella.
Emily Litella: [ facing to the camera ] Hi! Hi, I’m — [ the crowd cheers her presence ] oh, hello! Hi! I’m Emily Litella, and I’m SO excited! It’s my first time at Mardi Gras, and I’ve been drinking TEA! Straight, for three days! Ohh! [ a riverboat horn blares ] Ooh! Do you hear that?! Well, that’s the liverboat, coming down the Mississippi with LOADS of liver! And I’m standing here with Captain Devero Boyee, who is a captain of a BIG liverboat! Just like the one you just heard! Tell me, Captain – just how did the tradition of the liverboat start? Now, I know liver is rich in iron and vitamins, but so is PORK! Now, why aren’t there PORK boats?!
Captain Devero Boyee: Well —
Emily Litella: I mean — I mean, if you’re gonna have liverboats, you should also have some bacon, and some onions — I can’t believe it! What is — what is –?
Captain Devero Boyee: Miss Litella!
Emily Litella: What?!
Captain Devero Boyee: I’m the captain of a riverboat! A riverboat! Not a liverboat, a riverboat! We take leisurely cruises up and down the Mississippi.
Emily Litella: Ohhhhhh! Oh, well, that’s very different!
Captain Devero Boyee: Yes.
Emily Litella: [ turns to the camera ] Never mind!
[ the crowd cheers, as we cut back to Buck and Jane, completely missing the “group grope” attack on Gilda/Emily ]
Buck Henry: Here’s a Weekend Update Correction. On last Update, Jane Curtin inadvertently reported that Kate Smith won the international hang-gliding competition in Montreal. Well, we stand corrected. We were apparently confused by a typographical error. What we meant to say was that it was Clare Booth Luce who broke the color line in Major League Baseball.
[ a sheet of paper is suddenly handed over to Jane ]
Jane Curtin: Oh! This story just in — [ reads the paper ] Oh, my God! Washington – with guns blazing, a deranged gunman shot his way across Pennsylvania Avenue, leaped over the iron fence of the White House —
Buck Henry: Jane, excuse me just a moment, but the Baton Rouge High School band is just coming up the street. One of the most colorful processions you’ve ever seen, with full regalia, showing their beautiful colors of traditional blue and gold. The school’s thirty-eighth Mardi Gas experience, and it’s truly a great, great New Orleans tradition.
Jane Curtin: Buck, can I finish this, please?
Buck Henry: Yes.
Jane Curtin: [ continues her breaking story ] The gunman entered the White House, and found his way to the Oval Office —
Buck Henry: Jane, just a second – take a look at this, if you can: this is the Japanese Sushi Bar float, and entire float made up of raw fish and soy sauce. And it really does look delicious!
Jane Curtin: Oh, that certainly does — I-I could use some of that now!
Buck Henry: Absolutely!
[ Buck and Jane stare offscreen at the sushi-covered float with awe ]
Jane Curtin: [ faces the camera ] That’s the news for tonight. We’ll be back with Randy Newman, after this.
[ fade to black ]
[ fade from black onto program card ]
Don Pardo V/O: Set your dial on laughter, with “Chevy and The Man.” Premiering this Friday at 8:30/7:30 Central and Mountain time.
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd Rosalynn Carter…..Laraine Newman Miss Lillian Carter…..Gilda Radner
[ open on “A Fireside Chat” White House art card ]
[ Music: “Hail to the Chief” instrumental ]
Announcer: And now, A Fireside Chat, with President Jimmy Carter.
[ dissolve to President Jimmy Carter, dressed in sweatshirt marked “Jimmy” as he smilingly pedals an exercise bike attached to a pair of methane tanks ]
President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, everybody! On many occasions, I’ve — I’ve used symbolic acts to communicate with you. Because I’m aware of symbolism. And, tonight, to symvolize my determination to implement the Carter Energy Program. I’m personally, at this moment, generating all the electricity necessary… to transmit this television broadcast to you! And, you know, there’s enough energy left over to run this electric hot comb. [ he pulls the device out of the bike’s basket, runs it through his hair and smiles ]
Rosalynn Carter: Jimmy! It’s, uh, my turn to power the broadcast now!
President Jimmy Carter: Okay. Ready to make the switch, Rosalynn?
Rosalynn Carter: Okay, now! I’m ready! [ she starts hopping up and down ] 1! 2! 3!
[ Jimmy jumps off one end of the exercise bike, as Rosalynn jumps onto it from the other side. The screen flickers as she pedals quick enough to match Jimmy’s speed. ]
President Jimmy Carter: Good work, honey!
Rosalynn Carter: Thank you, Sugar!
President Jimmy Carter: Almost lost it there!
Rosalynn Carter: [ she laughs ] I know, we did! [ to the camera ] You know, Jimmy’s got his life, and I’ve got mine… but we still find time to run the generator together, don’t we, dear?
President Jimmy Carter: You know, America MUST move away from… liquid fossil fuels. And to encourage that shift, uh — I’m gonna impose a heavy tax on imported crude oil, gasoline, and commercial lubricants such as motor oil and petroleum jelly!
Rosalynn Carter: Lillian, it’s your turn!
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!
Miss Lillian: [ waking up ] Huh?
Rosalynn Carter: It’s your turn to power the broadcast! Come on!
Miss Lillian: Alright, Rosalynn… here I come… [ she rises from her chair and slowly walks up to the exercise bike ]
President Jimmy Carter: [ smiling to the camera ] Everybody tries to pitch in, as best they can!
Rosalynn Carter: That’s right! [ to Lillian, as she approaches ] Now — now, you ready?
Miss Lillian: Yes…
[ Rosalynn climbs off the exercise bike, as Miss Lillian struggles to lift her leg over the seat. The screen flickers severely. ]
President Jimmy Carter: Keep that pedal going!
Rosalynn Carter: Honey, we’re losing the picture!
[ together, Jimmy and Roselynn move Miss Lillian’s legs up and down the pedals, as she struggles to keep the screen from flickering. ]
President Jimmy Carter: That’s it, Mama!
Miss Lillian: I’d — I’d do ANYTHING for my Jimmy!
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!
Rosalynn Carter: Keep pedaling, honey!
[ Jimmy and Rosalynn step closer to the camera ]
President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] Let’s forget about the… substance-minded program for a minute. I just want to say I’m doing something personal and —
Miss Lillian: [ struggling ] I’m feeling a little… faint, Jimmy… I don’t know if I can go on any longer…
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama.
Miss Lillian: No, I’ll do it for you, Jimmy…
President Jimmy Carter: Speed up, Mama. We don’t want to lose that picture. Just a few more minutes.
[ the screen flickers, as Miss Lillian slows down just a bit ]
President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] As I was saying, you can see I’m doing something personally about the energy crisis. I’m about keeping the American family unit working together. And I think — [ turns to see Miss Lillian about to fall off the bike ] Come on, Mama!
Miss Lillian: Yes, I’m doing it, Jimmy…
President Jimmy Carter: [ to the camera ] I think… if you take up the example we’ve set… it’ll all work out for the better. I love you all. Thank you very much.
[ Miss Lillian wears herself out completely, and falls off the exercise bike. The screen flickers and turns to snow. ]
President Jimmy Carter: Mama! Come on, Mama!
Miss Lillian: I’m okay…!
[ the image flickers back into place momentarily, allowing a glimpse of Jimmy and Rosalynn helping Miss Lillian back to the bike ]
President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama!
Miss Lillian: I’m doing it…! Anything for my Jimmy…! Anything…!
[ the screen flickers back into place, as we see Miss Lillian back on the bike and pedaling with fury ]
Miss Lillian: I’d do… “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”
…..Buck Henry …..Jane Curtin Al Hirt…..John Belushi
[ open on SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Randy!
[ the crowd surrounding the grandstand cheers, and already begins flinging beads toward Buck and Jane. A superball even riccochets off Jane’s head. ]
Jane Curtin: Aigh! Thank you, Randy. I’m Jane curtin.
Buck Henry: I’m Buck Henry. And we’re here, high above the Bacchus parade, which will be coming by our stand at any minute. It’s very exciting, above this.. SEA of humanity.
[ dissolve to a closer view if the crowd behind Buck and Jane’s shoulders ]
Jane Curtin: It’s an incredible crowd, and just a, just a note about the crowd: a woman has just given birth to a baby girl, and, in honor of the circumstances, she’s naming it “Crushed.”
[ dissolve back to Buck and Jane ]
Buck Henry: Really an incredible thing to realize that — [ more beads and debris are flung toward Buck and Jane by the laughing crowd ] hundreds of thousands of Americans have traveled THOUSANDS of miles, just to come here to New Orleans to visit Bourbon Street and to throw up.
Jane Curtin: Because of the – because of the delay in the parade, let’s take time out now, to have a look at one of the more recent New Orleans traditions – and, of course, I’m talking about the annual “Let’s Hit Al Hirt in the Mouth with a Brick” contest. Here he is, live fom Bourbon Street, the King of Carnival himself – Mr. Al Hirt!
[ dissolve to Al Hirt standing in front of his Al Hirt’s Club at 501 Bourbon Street ]
[ the crowd cheers as Al hirt holds up his trumpet, then breaks into a brassy lick of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” After about four seconds, three bricks fly in from opposite sides of the screen, the second bouncing off of Al’s right eye. Al momentariliy stops playing his trumpet, as he leers at the laughing crowd, then starts over. ]
[ two more bricks fly in from the same side of the screen, as Al ducks. A third brick bounces off of his trumpet. A few more bricks and odd debris hit Al as well, knocking him to the pavement and causing him to finally stop blowing on his trumpet. Another foreign object lands at his body. ]
[ the crowd cheers. Al picks himself up and starts over once again. He barely completes the first note as yet another brick bounces atop his head. More bricks and a banana strike Al across the head, as he again hits the pavement and stops blowing. ]
[ Al carefully picks himself up, presses his trumpet to his lips and crouches before he takes his first blow. A rock hits him across the back, as more bricks and debris pelt him from the front. He tries valiantly to continue playing, but is once mroe knocked to the pavement as more bricks land on him. ]
[ Al rolls onto his side and starts over. A brick immediately bounces off of his trumpet. A baseball bat lands on the pavement to his right. Al lies across his back and continues to blow his trumpet, as another bat hits him. Beer cans also land near him. More bricks and a hardhat also pelt him, as Al finally surrenders to the street. ]
[ dissolve back to Buck Henry and Jane Curtin ]
Buck Henry: While we’re waiting for Al to regain consciousness, let’s go to this filmed message.
Dr. Ray Bondish…..Buck Henry Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman Kuldroth…..John Belushi Mentuk…..Garrett Morris
[ open on interior, Conehead residence, as the doorbell rings ]
[ Prymaat Conehead enters the living room and answers the door to Dr. Ray Bondish, who holds a triangular piece of metal ]
[ SUPER: “Return Of The Coneheads” ]
Prymaat Conehead: Greetings!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Is this the home of Beldar Conehead?
Prymaat Conehead: Correct! Enter! [ she closes the door as he enters, then she faces the stairs ] Beldar, I summon you!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Now, let me guess — I’ll bet you’re Mrs. Conehead?
Prymaat Conehead: I am Prymaat!
[ he nods, as Beldar runs down the stairs ]
Beldar Conehead: Please enter! Be seated!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Thank you.
Beldar Conehead: [ muttering under his breath ] Human…
[ they all ake a seat on the couch ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: Uhhh —
[ Beldar and Prymaat lean in and stare into Dr. Bondish’s eyeballs ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: Now, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead, I am Dr. Ray Bondish. I’m assigned to the United States Air Force Aerospace Defense command in Wormling, Arizona.
Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Arizona?
Prymaat Conehead: Arizona. In Arizona, in the southwest, features good oxygen quality, a high concentration of human retirement colonies, desert reptiles, and domestic handgun ownership.
[ Beldar and Prymaat lean in and stare into Dr. Bondish’s eyeballs ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: Five days ago, this object entered the Earth’s atmosphere and fell from the sky and into the parking lot of a Taco Bell in downtown Tucson.
Beldar Conehead: [ to Prymaat ] Taco?
Prymaat Conehead: Taco. A folded starch disc encasing vegetable substances and shredded flesh of hooved mammals.
Dr. Ray Bondish: Mr. Conehead, in my time in the Air Force, I’ve seen a lot of space garbage hit the globe — but this hunk has me beat. You know, we can’t figure out what kind of metal this thing is made from, and we had no clues until yesterday, when one of our investigators made a breakthrough discovery: [ he turns the piece of metal on its side ] your name and address on the side of the object.
Beldar Conehead: [ reading ] “Beldar Conehead, 2-1-3-0 Pineway Drive, Parkwood Hills, New Jersey, U.S.A.” Correct. Yes. Thank you. [ he stands and whips out a stack of bills from his breast pocket ] Please accept this cash gratutity. Don’t disperse it all in one locality.
Dr. Ray Bondish: No, no, no, no. No, wait a minute, Mr. Conehead. I don’t think you understand. The Aerospace Defense Command has assigned me to gind out what this object is, and where it came from.
Beldar Conehead: [ quickly ] It is a communication from Remulak!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Remulak?
Beldar Conehead: Remulak. A small town in France! This is a postcard from France! You see… we come from France!
[ Connie Conehead enters the room ]
Connie Conehead: Attention, parental units! I am splitting now to itneract with my human friends at the shopping plaza!
Prymaat Conehead: No, Connie! You cannot go!
Connie Conehead: But, Mom! I cleaned up my sleep chamber!
Beldar Conehead: Connie… we have received a vital communication from Remulak. Koldropth the High Master of Starfab Megazone has demanded that we return at once! To our home… in France!
Dr. Ray Bondish: Wait a minute! You know… I’ve bicycled through FRance twenty-seven times, and I’ve NEVER heard of Remulak. Parlais-vous Francaise?
Prymaat Conehead: Oui!
Connie Conehead: Oui! Ne parlaiz-vous Francais!
Prymaat Conehead: Salud! Entre!
[ Beldar rattles a fancy French phrase ]
Dr. Ray Bondish: That’s a pretty good accent, Beldar, but I don’t think you come from France. I don’t think you come from anywhere near France. I think I know EXACTLY what you people are! You’re Ku Klux Klan!
[ the Coneheads are stunned at this deduction ]
Beldar Conehead: Incorrect! There is no need to deceive the human any longer. [ to Dr. Bondish ] I am Beldar, the first timekeeper from the planet Remulak! Our star cruiser arrived here fifteen years ago! We had instructinos to SEIZE your miserable world!
Prymaat Conehead: Yes. And all was well until you crashed the star cruiser into Lake Michigan.
Beldar Conehead: Let us not get into that… again!
Dr. Ray Bondish: You mean, it’s TRUE?! There IS life on other planets? Flying saucers DO exist! Yuo have so much to TEACH us! Intergalactic travel is possible! I’d love to experience the sensation of flying through space at unthinkable speeds!
All: NO PROBLEM!!!
[ Beldar grabs Dr. Bondish by the collar and tosses him out the front door ]
Beldar Conehead: We must leave at once for the planet Remulak! Gather gifts for the High Master!
Connie conehead: But, Daddy! what manner of conveyance will transport us?
Beldar Conehead: We must drive to the island of Manhatten! There… we find the Chrysler Building! It is the site of the emergency return vehicle which will carry us off the Earth!
Prymaat & Connie: Igbat… Klaatu… Remulak!!
Beldar Conehead: Meet me in the petroleum combustion unit!
[ Beldar exits the house as Prymaat and Connie search for gifts ]
[ fade to black ]
[ open on pre-filmed footage, beginning with Beldar’s driver’s education vehicle sitting in the driveway. Beldar behind the wheel. Prymaat and Connie toss suitcases into the back seat, climb into the vehicle, and Beldar drives off. ]
[ the Coneheads drive down a New Jersey highway while glancing at the New York skyline in the distance ]
[ at a gas station, Beldar fills the tank with gas, then guzzles down a couple of gallons to satisfy his own thirst ]
[ at the New Jersey Turnpike, Beldar pays the toll to cross, receiving a watward glance from the tollwoman before they’re allowed to pass through ]
[ they pass through the tunnel and into Manhatten ]
[ once in the city, they honk at pedestrians on foot ]
[ they wait impatiently while stuck in gridlock traffic ]
[ later, while moving, they point upward in the direction of the Chrsyler Building ]
[ they park at the front entrance to the Chrysler Building, then enter as pedestrians stop to stare at their cones ]
[ prop footage of a replica of the Chrysler Building lifting like a rocket and ascending into outer space ]
[ prop footage of a replica of the Chrysler Building hurtling through space like a rocket ]
[ dissolve to Remulak, High Master and Mentuk watching as a red crystal globe begins to vibrate and shine brightly. They turn to watch as the Coneheads enter. ]
Coneheads: Igbat… Klaatu… Farbat!!
Beldar Conehead: All hail the High Master of Starpath Megdazon!
Kuldroth: Mip! Mip! Mip! How was your journey?
Prymaat Conehead: Satisfactory. We did experience some turbulence near the Crab Nebula.
Beldar Conehead: We have Earth gifts for you, O High Master!
Kuldroth: Present these objects to me!
[ Beldar holds out a suitcase and opens it. Connie grabs a six-pack of beer. ]
Connie Conehead: This substance is known as beer! Suck back a couple of these!
Kuldroth: Thank you! [ he pulls back the pop tabs ] How… to do?
Beldar Conehead: Consume mass quantities!
Kuldroth: Ah! [ he tosses the six-pack back and chugs the contents ]
Beldar Conehead: Kuldroth! Why have you summoned us from Earth?
Kuldroth: [ hands the six-pack to Mentuk ] The price of Tectorse has been dropped! And forced us to cut back on our space program! The Earth project has been terminated!
Beldar Conehead: That’s the way the klargoth crystals shatter.
Kuldroth: In addition, Mentuk has determined that… your young one… is my genetic mate! I will marry her immediately!
Connie Conehead: Ohhhh, no! What a drag! what a bummer! Why get married? Why not just get it on?
Prymaat Conehead: You’re mistaken, young one! The High Master has asked for your cone. You cannot deny him.
Kuldroth: Mentuk! Mentuk, examine her cone! Be sure I am to be the first!
[ Mentuk hobbles over to Connie to inspect her cone, then gasps before returning to Kuldroth ]
Mentuk: Sorry. This cone has already experienced the sensor riiiiiiings.
Connie Conehead: So what? This is the new way I learned from the humans! Yes, my cone has been honed. But this does not mean we still can’t cruise and groove, and have a good time!
Kuldroth: Mut! Well, Beldar — your young one is nothing more than a… common… fluffrag!!
Beldar Conehead: [ he throws the suitcase down ] You can’t call my young one a common fluffrag!!
Kuldroth: Ohhh, yes I can! She is a fluffrag!
Beldar Conehead: She is not! Mip! Arbok!
Beldar Conehead: Mip!
Beldar Conehead: Mip! Mip! Mip! Mip!
Kuldroth: I shall take pleasure personally kicking your cone!
[ the two aliens circle one another stealthily, then jump closer and begin to clap their hands between each other’s cones a few times before simultaneously rushing and crashing through the plate glass windows ]
[ Mentuk glances out before finishing off the six-pack of beer ]
Prymaat Conehead: Our home planet of Remulak has scarcely altered since we left.
Connie Conehead: Yes. Let us consume mass quantities — it will be a long time before we get another six-pack.
[ Prymaat, Connie, and Mentuk chug back a six-pack each, as the scene zooms out to a studio wide shot with SUPER: “Coming up Next: How To Forge Mental Notes” ]
[ fade ]
Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner …..Penny Marshall Sherry…..Laraine Newman The Scab…..Bill Murray Jake the Snake…..John Belushi The Tongue…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on Penny Marshall standing off to the side of a fountain, holding a can of beer and waiting for her cue ]
Voice of Rhonda Weiss: I can’t seee those —
[ Penny now steps closer to Rhonda Weiss and Sherry seated on the edge of the fountain ]
Penny: Any of you want a beer before we have to get back to the restaurant?
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, no beer for me. One beer, and I’m Queen of the Cellulite Parade!
[ Penny struggles to sit on the edge, raising her petticoat to adjust her posture ]
Penny: Oh, boy.. oh, boy.. oh, boy. [ removes her tennis shoe ] Look – another blister.
Rhonda Weiss: [ examines Penny’s foot ] Mmm.
Penny: Oh, boy. I hate waiting tables.
Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I hate EVERYTHING!
Sherry: Oh, quit complaining, you guys! Quit whining, it’s really getting sickening! I mean, I think serving people is really, really interesting! You know? Have you noticed the different ways that people chew?
Rhonda Weiss: Well, so – where are the guys? I mean, I came here to meet guys! Where are the guys?!
Penny: Everybody came to Mardi Gras to meet guys – even the guys.
Sherry: Oh, come on! Just working at the restaurant, you met TONS of guys!
Penny: Ah, they were all too short.
Rhonda Weiss: Yeah, well, I thought this was going to be like “Where The Boys Are.” I mean, even Connie Francis met a guy.
Sherry: None of the guys are sincere down here. I mean, let’s face it: I mean, they just want to get into my ??
Penny: I wish something exciting would happen. [ swigs from a bottle ]
Rhonda & Sherry: Yeah.. yeah.. me, too..
Penny: I’m bored.
Rhonda Weiss: I’m bored, too. You know, I didn’t even get a darn tip this afternoon.
Rhonda Weiss: Not a cent!
[ their conversation is muffled as the sounds of “Born to be Wild” blare into the scenery, and three Bikers Bees roll into the scene on their Harley-Davidsons ]
The SCab: Hi, girls! We’re the Shriner’s Drill Team! [ guffaws ] Aw, come on! No, seriously – we’re the Wild Bees Motorcycle Club, from National City, California. [ points himself and his buddies out ] Im The Scab.. this is Jake the Snake.. and this is.. The Tongue!
[ The Tongue hangs his tongue out pathetically ]
The Scab: Now, uh – one of you is gonna be with The Tongue. Okay?
[ pull out to reveal that The Tongue is smitten with a horrified and disgusted Penny ]
Rhonda & Sherry: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Penny: Are these guys?
Sherry: [ excited ] I don’t know! But I think Scab’s a real FOX!
The Tongue: We just rode in from Corpus Christi, Texas! We blew up a small town for a friend! [ chuckles ] We need some girls to take CARE of us! We don’t know how to COOK! And how to SEW! We don’t KNOW!
Penny: I’m glad we came into town!
The Girls: You want to go? I don’t know, you want to go? Do you want to go?
[ The Tongue proceeds to lift Penny’s petticoat and have a look ]
Penny: He’s got a decent looking hardware, and, uh, we ain’t at no sissy bar. [ turns to The Tongue ] Okay, Kong – take me!
The Tongue: Yeah!!! [ picks Penny up and lays her across his Harley ]
Sherry: Yeah, you know, Scab – that’s a really, really cute shovel head!
The SCab: Yeah, well, uh – are you dating anybody right now? ‘Cause, uh, if you’re not, I’d like to take ya’ home and beat ya’ up, you know what I mean?
[ Scab and Sherry hop on his Harley ]
Rhonda Weiss: Um, excuse me, um, Jake the Snake. Is this, uh, real leather, or just naugahyde?
Jake the Snake: [ blows smoke at Rhonda’s face ] You know what your gonna do?! You’re comin’ back to California with me! Come back to your block house! Listen! I’m an ANIMAL!! I call party animals, animals from parties! anything will do! We’ll shave your head and chain you to the roof and wipe our feet on ‘ya! And then we’ll make ‘ya pick up after us! Whattaya say?! you wanna come?! [ thrusts her to the ground ]
Rhonda Weiss: Uhhh – yeah.
Jake the Snake: [ gentle ] Alright.
[ they climb on Jake’s Harley, as all the Bees ride off into the night to the sounds of “Born to be Wild” ]
[ dissolve to a full shot of the crowd ]
[ zoom in on New Orleans woman, add SUPER: “Owned Alex Haley’s Grandfather” ]
[ fade ]
Buck Henry: Good night, and have a good summer! [ acknowledges the Land Shark crouched next to him ] Thanks to my guest, the Shark!
[ Buck peers into the mouth of the Land Shark, as it stands on two legs and closes its mouth over Buck’s head ]
Announcer: The Land Shark, the jockey, and the horse were all played by Chevy Chase. Next week, a “Saturday Night” rerun with host Broderick Crawford. We’ll return live on Spetember 24th. This is Don Pardo, and I’m sending my voice to summer camp! Good night!
[ Chevy Chase kneels on the stage and pokes his head from out of the Land Shark’s mouth ]