SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special










Mardi Gras Special

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry

…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin
…..Mayor Moon Landrieau
…..Garrett Morris
…..Laraine Newman
Man….John Belushi
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
Captain Devero Boyee…..Bill Murray

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Jane Curtin and Buck Henry.

Buck Henry: Good evening. Our top story tonight: an unprecedented move by an American president was made this week, when Jimmy Carter wrote a letter to Soviet dissident, Andre S??, telling him that the United States backs his intentions one-hundred percent. And, in what has been considered a blatant act of retaliation, Soviet Premier Leonid Brehznev has written a letter to Jimmy Carter, saying that, quote, “Your mother is quite wrinkled and extremely old.” Unquote. [ to Jane ] An ancient Russian means of retaliation.

Jane Curtin: Ah. In the wake of the CIA’s famous foreign powers, the Central Intelligence Agency confirmed today that it paid over three million dollars in hush money to Generalissimo Francisco Franco over the past eighteen months for keeping quiet on certain matters.

Buck Henry: Well, a Liberian luxury liner broke in half off the coast of Rhode Island this afternoon, killing all of the 2,200 passengers and crew aboard. Coast Guard officials have expressed fear that the bodies spilled may drift to New England beaches, becoming a navigation hazard and clogging the lobster traps. More on this story as it develops.

Jane Curtin: And, in a moving ceremony today, Mayor Moon Landrieau gave New Orleans’ native son, Garrett Morris, the combination to the city. We’ll take you now to that ceremony, in progress.

[ cut to Mayor Moon Landrieau standing on the street with Garrett Morris ]

Mayor Moon Landrieau: Garrett, this is the combination to the City of New Orleans. [ hands a perplexed Garrett a piece of paper ] It’s 33-left, 41-right, and 19-left.

[ as they speak, a reveler can be seen walking past in the background. Suddenly aware of the cameras, the masked reveler casually saunters towards Garrett, the Mayor, and the cameras, unseen by both men but quickly apprehended by the NOPD. ]

Garrett Morris: Thank you very much, Mr. Mayor. This is quite an honor.

Mayor Moon Landrieau: Not actually, Garrett. We’re gonna change it tomorrow.

[ cut back to Buck and Jane ]

Buck Henry: Well, in spite of his recent injury, and always a showman and perennial crowd please, daredevil Evil Knievel jumped the entire length of last night’s Mardi Gras parade in his hospital bed.

[ show slide of hospital bed flying over the Superdome ]

More on his condition, as the bulletins come in.

Jane Curtin: Let’s go now to Laraine Newman, with a live report on another of those quaint Mardi Gras traditions.

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing next to a man with mice taped to his eyebrows ]

Laraine Newman: Jane, I’m out here on the strret, talking to the people, and, as crazy as it sounds, uh, tonight’s the night they call “Mouse sunday.” People all over New Orleans are taping white mice to their eyes. I’m with them right now. [ points her microphone toward the man’s face ]

Man: Careful – I can’t see a thing!

Laraine Newman: Well, sir, I have just one question.

Man: Yeah?

Laraine Newman: Why?

Man: For kicks! We do it for kicks! Ha ha! That’s all! Ha ha!

Laraine Newman: I see. Uh, when did this custom originate?

Man: Well, I don’t know, uh – I mean, I do it, uh, my father did it, my grandpa did it just before him.. my MA done it, she’s great!

Laraine Newman: Yeah, but.. what possible pleasure could derive from it?

Man: Excuse me, uh – are you are a man or a woman?

Laraine Newman: [ sternly ] I’m a woman.

Man: [ smoothly ] Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink somewhere? What do you say we go over to Pat O’Briens, and — [ the roar of the cheering crowd drowns him out ] You like dixieland music, huh?

Laraine Newman: Uh, sir – these mice, are they dead? [ touches one of the mice ]

Man: NO, they’re not dead! They’re just asleep! [ taps the mice ] Come on, wake up! Wake up! Let’s get those whiskers movin’! Hey! I’m talkin’ to YOU! Come on! Up and at ’em! [ to Laraine ] Hey, how ’bout a walk to some voodoo? what do you say, would you like to make some reeaal voodoo? Of course, you have to take your clothes off. I mean, you have to take your clothes off, it’s a real sticky place!

Laraine Newman: I’ve always wanted to see the real voodoo. Are you sure those mice are okay?

Man: They’re fine.. they’re okay..

Laraine Newman: Well.. I’ll just have to do the wrap-up, and then we can leave. [ to the camera ] People taping white mice to their eyes! All part of the fun and gaiety, as Mardi Gras renews an ancient custom. [ the Man feeds a can of beer to his two mice ] This is Laraine Newman, somewhere in the French Quarter.

[ the Man continues to show Laraine his mice, as we cut back to Buck and Jane ]

Jane Curtin: Still to come: Are shoes an endangered species? [ show slide of real alligator shoes ] A float depicting the history of skiing accidents. And the Vatican College of Cardinals Marching Band and Drill Team. After this report from Weekend Update roving reporter, Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: [ facing to the camera ] Hi! Hi, I’m — [ the crowd cheers her presence ] oh, hello! Hi! I’m Emily Litella, and I’m SO excited! It’s my first time at Mardi Gras, and I’ve been drinking TEA! Straight, for three days! Ohh! [ a riverboat horn blares ] Ooh! Do you hear that?! Well, that’s the liverboat, coming down the Mississippi with LOADS of liver! And I’m standing here with Captain Devero Boyee, who is a captain of a BIG liverboat! Just like the one you just heard! Tell me, Captain – just how did the tradition of the liverboat start? Now, I know liver is rich in iron and vitamins, but so is PORK! Now, why aren’t there PORK boats?!

Captain Devero Boyee: Well —

Emily Litella: I mean — I mean, if you’re gonna have liverboats, you should also have some bacon, and some onions — I can’t believe it! What is — what is –?

Captain Devero Boyee: Miss Litella!

Emily Litella: What?!

Captain Devero Boyee: I’m the captain of a riverboat! A riverboat! Not a liverboat, a riverboat! We take leisurely cruises up and down the Mississippi.

Emily Litella: Ohhhhhh! Oh, well, that’s very different!

Captain Devero Boyee: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ turns to the camera ] Never mind!

[ the crowd cheers, as we cut back to Buck and Jane, completely missing the “group grope” attack on Gilda/Emily ]

Buck Henry: Here’s a Weekend Update Correction. On last Update, Jane Curtin inadvertently reported that Kate Smith won the international hang-gliding competition in Montreal. Well, we stand corrected. We were apparently confused by a typographical error. What we meant to say was that it was Clare Booth Luce who broke the color line in Major League Baseball.

[ a sheet of paper is suddenly handed over to Jane ]

Jane Curtin: Oh! This story just in — [ reads the paper ] Oh, my God! Washington – with guns blazing, a deranged gunman shot his way across Pennsylvania Avenue, leaped over the iron fence of the White House —

Buck Henry: Jane, excuse me just a moment, but the Baton Rouge High School band is just coming up the street. One of the most colorful processions you’ve ever seen, with full regalia, showing their beautiful colors of traditional blue and gold. The school’s thirty-eighth Mardi Gas experience, and it’s truly a great, great New Orleans tradition.

Jane Curtin: Buck, can I finish this, please?

Buck Henry: Yes.

Jane Curtin: [ continues her breaking story ] The gunman entered the White House, and found his way to the Oval Office —

Buck Henry: Jane, just a second – take a look at this, if you can: this is the Japanese Sushi Bar float, and entire float made up of raw fish and soy sauce. And it really does look delicious!

Jane Curtin: Oh, that certainly does — I-I could use some of that now!

Buck Henry: Absolutely!

[ Buck and Jane stare offscreen at the sushi-covered float with awe ]

Jane Curtin: [ faces the camera ] That’s the news for tonight. We’ll be back with Randy Newman, after this.

[ fade to black ] [ fade from black onto program card ]

Don Pardo V/O: Set your dial on laughter, with “Chevy and The Man.” Premiering this Friday at 8:30/7:30 Central and Mountain time.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Cemeteries



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Cemeteries

[ open passenger window point-of-view as Gary Weis drives through an above-ground cemetery ] [ dissolve to a painter adding a fresh coat of white paint to one of the above-ground tombs ]

Painter: [ the audio is off at first ] — for nothin’, some of ’em. We ain’t even paid a nickel for ’em. But,since things are so rough on the graveyard now, I gotta charge that fee. I can’t do it for nothin’ no more. It’s one of those things. I guess ’cause paint costs money now, and things ain’t cheap no more, you know? But I love it out in this graveyard. People don’t talk back to you. If they talk back to you – if they talk back to you, I’m leaving! I painted tombs for a living at St. Patrick’s Cemetery – it is gone, but her husband was buried — I was on top that tomb painting, I told her, I said, “Listen, darling – if your husband talks back to me, I’m gonna leave you, the paint, brush, truck, and everything behind. I’m leaving! I’m gone!” [ chuckles ] Boy, she got a big kick out of that!

[ dissolve to the same painter now dishing on a different subject ]

Painter: Crabbing? I go crabbing – I caught a crab, twenty-five inches. He’s still hanging out — [ points his thumb backwards ] He’s in a – he’s in a bar about two days, out there on Haynes Boulevard. Louis Louis. I hang him on top the – the – the place there, the door, so everybody can see the crab. He’s got a paw so big, it’s pitiful.

[ dissolve to further in the day, the painter still talking ]

Painter: Most money I make out here, I save. Most of it, I save. [ inaudinble ] I-I-I save, and I give birthday parties every year. Give a beautiful birthday party. Put a hundred dollars on the bar – that’s for the drinks – I buy a cake, costs about thirty dollars – my birthday cake – it’s so big, you got enough cake that people take the cake home. I got a big hare in my pot – cut up, sliced. Awww, never seem to mention [?] In the bayou, we got rabbit! A friend of mine’s supposed to be Cherokee – cooked rabbit for us.

[ dissolve again to further in the day ]

Painter: Well, up on the ridge, I can’t say nothin’ about it – I love New Orleans. I been a few places, but I still think New Orleans is the best. [ audience cheers ] I tell you, they got better weather, better — everything’s better here. They got people way from out here — it’s something, it’s cold, it’s snowing, or — we ain’t got that here!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Gary Weis Down South



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special







Mardi Gras Special

Gary Weis Down South

[ art card: “Gary Weis Down South” over photo of Gary Weis ] [ dissolve to film, a montage of Dixie-related signs over traditional Dixie music ] [ wide shot of Dixie TV, zoom forward ] [ close-up of Dixie truck as it rolls westward on the street ] [ Dixie ] [ zoom on Dixie Stove Works sign ] [ close-up of rotating Dixie & Associates sign ] [ zoom on Dixie Parking Service ] [ zoom on Dixie Bearings, Inc. clock at 6:10 ] [ Dixie Trucking 94 ] [ three unidentified Dixie signs ] [ close-up of Dixie Auto Parts sign ] [ two unidentified Dixie signs ] [ unidentified man pulls open his shirt to reveal a Dixie Beer t-shirt ] [ close-up of Dixie Art sign ] [ unidentidied Dixie sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Male sign ] [ close-up of Official Shop Service Dixie sign ] [ close-up of Dixie 45 Beer on Tap sign ] [ zoom to close-up of Dixie Mill Supply Co., Inc. sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Welding & Metal Day & Night Service sign ] [ close-up of Dixie Auto sign ] [ alternate Dixie Mill Supply Co., Inc. sign ] [ upward angle of Dixie Hotel sign ] [ quick montage of 14 of the Dixie sign we just saw ] [ dissolve to applauding revelers in the street, zoom to one upbeat male with SUPER: “Smokes Mardi Grass” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Fats Domino As Sung By Garrett Morris



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special




Mardi Gras Special

Fats Domino As Sung By Garrett Morris

…..Garrett Morris

[ open on close-up of doubloon with Fats Domino’s head on it ]

Announcer: Now, for a limited time only, Telecomm Records presents:

[ doubloon spins around to reveal Garrett Morris’ head on the back side ]

A treasury of Fats Domino, as sung by Garrett Morris!

[ dissolve to Garrett Morris seated at a piano, as he plays the notes for “Blueberry Hill” ]

Garrett Morris: [ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ hits the same set of notes twelve times ]

Hi! I’m Garrett Morris! And, if you act RIGHT NOW, you can get this and many more of the music of Fats Domino, as sung by me, Garrett Morris! You’ll get:

[ singing ] “Ain’t.. that.. a shame!” [ hits the same set of twelve notes from “Blueberry Hill” ]“My tears fell like rain!” [ hits those same twelve notes again ] [ song titles scroll:

Blueberry Hill
Jambalaya
Domino Twist
Please Don’t Leave Me
The Fat Man
Blue Monday
I’m In Love Again
I’m Walkin
Whole Lot Of Lovin
I’m Gonna Be A Wheel Someday
I Want to Walk You Home
Walking to New Orleans
My Girl Josephine ]

Garrett Morris: This, and many, many more of Fats Domino’s wonderful music, sung by a guy who has always loved The Fats! And who tries as much as he can, to sound just a little bit like him! You’ll get:

[ singing ] “Blue Monday” [ hits those same twelve notes on the piano ]“How I hate Blue Monday!” [ same twelve notes ]“All my tiredness, has gone awaaaayyy!!”

[ song title scroll repeats itself ]

AND! The best thing about this amazing TV offer, is that the music of Fats Domino as sung by Garrett Morris, is ONLY $49.95! Yes, $49.95! And I even sing Fats’ BIGGEST hit:

[ singing ] “I found my thri-ill!” [ same twelve notes ]

RIGHT on the record! So order NOW, while it’s on demand!

[ singing ] “That’s why I’m walkin’ to New Orleans!” [ same twelve notes ] [ dissolve to doubloon with Garrett’s head on it, and SUPER: “Treasury of Fats Domino, Pier 26, New York, NY 10007” ]

Announcer: Send now, for your own treasury of Fats Domino, sung by Garrett Morris. Pier 26, New York, New York.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mardi Gras Special: 02/20/77: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Mardi Gras Special





Mardi Gras Special

Goodnights

…..Randy Newman
…..Buck Henry
…..Jane Curtin

Randy Newman: Thank you! Good night! Good night to you all, and now over to Buck and Jane!

[ cut back to SNL’s reviewing grandstand at the corner of Bourbon and Canal streets ]

Buck Henry: Thank you, Randy. Uh, Jane, you might as well just tell them all.

Jane Curtin: The parade has not been delayed – it doesn’t exist! It never did. “Mardi Gras” is just the French word meaning “no parade.” Good night!

Buck Henry: Thanks, and good night.

[ credits roll, as the crowd cheers ] [ there’s a momentary glimpse of Garrett Morris and the cast and crew standing among a cut sketch — Garett, most noticably, holding up a book that reads “Roots II.” ]

Don Pardo V/O: Next week: Saturday Night’s host will be Steve Martin, with special guests Lily Tomlin and The Kinks. That’s 11:30, 10:30 Central Time. This is Don Pardo. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/21/77: Michael O’Donoghue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22





76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Michael O’Donoghue

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Buck Henry
… Michael O’Donoghue
Mormon Tabernacle Choir … Bill Murray, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, many others

[Buck Henry stands at a darkened home base addressingthe camera.]

Buck Henry: A year or so ago, it was my distinct goodfortune to introduce one of the most amazing men it’sbeen my privilege ever to see in the world of showbusiness — that unique and extraordinaryimpressionist, Mr. Michael O’Donoghue.

[Applause. Henry turns to the shadows behind him andapplauds as a burst of Vegas-style show music kicksin. From the shadows emerges Michael O’Donoghue –sometimes known as the evil Mr. Mike — wearing hisgarish paisley tuxedo and dark glasses. O’Donoghue andHenry shake hands and Henry exits. The music andapplause end and O’Donoghue addresses the camera,earnestly.]

Michael O’Donoghue: As a top impressionist, I spend somuch of my time out on the road doing club dates. Andthe thing I like to do the most after the show torelax and sort of wind down … You just turn on theold stereo and listen to a great choir. And whenyou’re talkin’ great choir, you’re talkin’ MormonTabernacle Choir. [Audience bursts into applause,O’Donoghue eggs them on:] Yeah! Yeah! All right! Allright! [Applause ends.] You know, I kid the MormonTabernacle Choir but — I love ’em. And I happened tobe in Utah recently so I drove over to the tabernacleto hear them and while they were singing “Shenandoah”or “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” or “For Unto Us aChild is Born” — you know, one of those moving,inspirational songs that just sends a chill right upyour spine — well, I was listening to this and afunny thought occurred to me. I thought, what ifsomeone took steel needles — well, well, actually,hundreds of pairs of steel needles — say, fifteen,eighteen inches long — with real sharp points — andplunged them into the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s eyes?What would their reaction be? I think it might gosomething like this.

[O’Donoghue removes his glasses, pockets them, andturns around as the lights at home base go up toreveal a massive choir of people in dark robes.O’Donoghue faces this choir, takes a pitch pipe fromhis pocket and blows a note. The choir responds byhumming the note back at him. All is quiet asO’Donoghue steadies himself, then grandly raises hisarms in the air. The choir responds by covering theireyes with their hands. All pause for a moment,motionless, silent. O’Donoghue glances to his left,then turns back to the choir. His arms drop andsuddenly he and the choir begin clutching their eyes,screaming, shrieking at the top of their lungs,staggering, collapsing to the floor, writhing aroundon the stage, kicking, trying to get up and thenfalling, dropping to their knees in agony, etc. Aftera few moments of this chaos and confusion, Buck Henryreturns to join the audience in applauding the choirwhich is sprawled and writhing all over home base.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/21/77: Samurai B.M.O.C.



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22










76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Samurai B.M.O.C.

Secretary…..Gilda Radner
Jamal…..Garrett Morris
Dean Bynam…..Buck Henry
Samurai…..John Belushi

[ open on interior, Dean Bynam’s office, as his Secretary enters and approaches Jamal at the desk ]

Secretary: Uh — I’m terribly sorry for the delay. Dean Bynam will be with you in a moment — it’s just that he’s performing a live sex act onstage. Alright? Uh, you don’t mind waiting a little bit, do you?

[ he nods his head No ]

Secretary: [ she chuckles ] Excuse me.

[ the Secretary exits the office, as Jamal waits patiently ] [ finally, Dean Bynam enters ]

Dean Bynam: Sorry to keep you waiting. Just finishing my cottage cheese. [ he takes his seat behind the desk ] Now, uh — what can I do for you?

Jamal: Dean Bynam? We DEMAND that there be an end to racist hiring practices! We want our OWN all-Black Student Union, and we insist upon an increase! Uh — in funds allocated for Afro-American studies! Now, do you dig?!

Dean Bynam: Yes, I do, Keith.

Jamal: That’s Jamal!

Dean Bynam: Oh, Jamal. I’m sorry, yes.

[ Buck Henry misses his next line, as Garrett Morris shifts his eyes and waits for his cue ]

Jamal: Then, WHAT, may I ask, do you propose to DO about it?!

Dean Bynam: Not a thing!

Jamal: Well, if that is your answer, man, then the Organization of Afro-American Students will CONTINUE its occupation of this administration building until these demands are MET!!

Dean Bynam: Jamal, let me explain something to you. It’s been FIVE years since your group seized the administration building. [ he stands ] Am I right?

Jamal: Yeah!

Dean Bynam: During those last five years, haven’t you noticed the construction activity going on across the quad? You know, the bulldozers, the cranes?

Jamal: Yes. Yeah, I have.

Dean Bynam: What you saw, Keith… going up… was our new administration building —

Jamal: Jamal, man!

Dean Bynam: Jamal. Sorry. That’s our NEW adminstration building. It was going to be the new Afro-American Student Union Building, but when your group occupied the administration building, we decided to CHANGE the signs!

Jamal: [ as the shock sinks in ] In other words… our group has seized what’s now the old administration building…

Dean Bynam: And has been for the past five years. That’s why your list of demands has been given such little attention lately.

Jamal: Oh. Okay… I can dig that

Dean Bynam: Alright. so, if you’re still interested in those demands, I suggest you take over the new administration building, and then we’ll talk.

Jamal: You have an idea.

Dean Bynam: [ answering the phone ] Hello! Yes, honey. Yeah. I’m having an exceptionally rough day… [ to Jamal ] That will be all.

[ Jamal makes his exit ]

Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] No, there’s one last student that I have to see.

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Uh — uh — the student is here now. Here’s his file.

Dean Bynam: Thank you.

[ Secretary exits ]

Dean Bynam: [ into the phone ] It’s some, uh, senior that I can’t allow to graduate. I don’t know — a Big Man On Campus who’s in for a real surprise. Yeah. Yeah, it’ll be another one. Okay. Alright, I’ll see you later. Bye. [ he hangs up ] [ Samurai Futaba enters the room ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.

Dean Bynam: Take a seat, please.

[ Samurai grunts as he polishes an apple on his kimono and offers it to the Dean ]

Dean Bynam: That’s very nice of you, but, uh — take a seat, and let’s get right to the point.

[ Samurai grunts as he sits ]

Dean Bynam: Alright. Frankly… as Dean of Monroe College, I cannot, in good conscience, permit you to receive a degree from our school.

Samurai: [ with a grunt ] Hmm?

Dean Bynam: Yeah.

[ Samurai grunts a series of excuses and explanations ]

Dean Bynam: Absolutely not! I’ve heard it before. I’ve heard the explanations, I’ve heard the excuses…

[ Samurai grunts another excuse ]

Dean Bynam: I know you had mono — that’s no excuse.

[ Samurai grunts a series of further excuses and explanations ]

Dean Bynam: Listen, I’ve dealt with your kind for quite a long time, and you’re all fun and games. That’s all you seem to care about.

[ Samurai grunts with a “Big deal!” gesture ]

Dean Bynam: Alright, you’re still not convinced? Let’s look at the record. As good ol’ Calvin Coolidge said…

[ Samurai grunts a correction ]

Dean Bynam: Oh, you’re right — it was Al Smith. He did say that. [ looking at Samurai’s record ] I see you’ve been a busy man for these past four years: you were President of your dormitory, a member of the Debating team, the Future Nurses of America, uh, you ran the sushi concession at the home basketball games, and were a member of the Yuong Republicans. Very impressive.

[ Samurai gives himself a hand cheer ]

Dean Bynam: Your grades are another story.

[ Samurai clears his throat and offers more excuses ]

Dean Bynam: No, no, no. No, no.

[ Samurai grunts a rambling excuse ]

Dean Bynam: What did you say? That’s ridiculous!

[ Samurai grunts ]

Dean Bynam: Yes! But you MAJORED in Biology, and you FAILED CHemistry, Physics, and Calculus!

Samurai: Oh?

Dean Bynam: As a matter of fact, the only course you did well in was Organic Chemistry, and that’s the toughest course we offer. EVERYONE fails that, and you got — you got a “A” in it. You took it with Ms. Bennett, no less, a really tough cookie of a professor. How did you manage that with Ms. Bennett?

[ the Samurai slides his sword in and out of his sheath ]

Dean Bynam: I’ll have to talk to Ms. Bennett later… Uh — well, that does explain it. Now, let’s look at your record.

[ Samurai slaps his hands together ]

Dean Bynam: Alright… you failed Asian Studies. That’s the easiest course we give! I mean, just being able to identify the continent of Asia should be able to give you a “C” in that course!

[ Samurai grunts at Dean Bynam ]

Dean Bynam: YES!

[ Samurai asks permission to identify Asia ]

Dean Bynam: Of course!

[ the Samurai whips out his sword, and gives a violent swipe in the direction of Dean Bynam’s globe. He slices off the side of the globe and hands it to Dan Bynam. ]

Dean Bynam: Yeah. That’s Asia, alright. Alright, we can change that to a “C”, I guess. [ he makes the change ] But, uh, a “C” will not give you a passing average. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to notify your parents. That’s my decision.

[ Samurai panics, and begins to grunt for mercy ]

Dean Bynam: Yes. Yes, I’m sorry. Your grandfather will have to know. I suppose — I suppose they were probably very strict with you?

[ Samurai grunts and displays a bent-back finger on his hand ]

Dean Bynam: I understand. But I’m telling you there is NOTHING I can do! I MUST fail you! You CANNOT graduate!

[ Samurai whips out his hari-kari sword and presses it against his stomach ]

Dean Bynam: Ooooooh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Alright! Alright. Alright, you can graduate. If you’re willing to go that far, I can allow you to graduate. But you do understand this is not going to be easy. I’ve got to convince the Academic Credits Committee.

[ Samurai grunts and waves his hand ]

Dean Bynam: Well… it shouldn’t be too hard. After all, the President is an old fraternity brother of mine.

[ Samurai grunts in surprise ]

Dean Bynam: Oh, yes. I belong to a fraternity.

[ Samurai grunts proudly ]

Dean Bynam: You were in a fraternity? Really? Which one?

[ the Samurai jumps to his feet, whips out his sword, and swipes three times at the top of the rolled-up curtain along one window. Dean Bynam rises, pulls the curtain down, and reveals the fraternity symbols slices into the curtain. ]

Dean Bynam: Ahhh! Phi Delta Watashi! Listen, this is incredible! We’re brothers!

[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]

Dean Bynam: Absolutely! Look! [ he grabs a pillow ] Here’s the Phi Delt pillow!

[ they perform their fraternity handshake ]

Dean Bynam: You remember the yell? The fraternity yell?

[ they perform the fraternity yell together ]

Dean Bynam: This is incredible! Alright, you CAN graduate!

[ Samurai grunts with excitement ]

Dean Bynam: Yes, indeed!

[ Samurai throws the fraternity pillow into the air, then swats it with his sword. He reaches down to retrieve his morterboard and places it on his head. ]

Dean Bynam: Congratulations!

[ they shake hands and freeze-frame ]

Announcer: Tune in next week, for another episode of… “Samurai Big Man On Campus”.

[ camera rises into the audience, and zooms in on unsuspecting woman with SUPER: “Finally Fell In With The Right Crowd” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/21/77: Rhonda Weiss’ Bridal Shower



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22





76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Rhonda Weiss’ Bridal Shower

Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner
Barbara…..Jane Curtin
Joycey…..Laraine Newman
Guests…..Anne Beatts, Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Rosie Shuster

[ open on bridal shower atmosphere ]

Girls: [ singing ]“Happy Engagement, dear Rhonda!!
Happy Engagement to you!!”Yaaayyyyyyy!!!!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you guys, this is really incredible! I mean, you are really the best in the whole world! We are talking MAJOR niceness of life! Really major!

Barbara: Rhonda… Joycey and I are your best friends. We love you, and if you think that we’d let your engagement go by with NO shower… well, forget it! No way! We’re serious! Come on, really! No kidding! Honest to God!

Joycey: Now, listen. Okay, it’s a kitchen shower, everybody. And, don’t worry, everybody knows that your colors are burnt orange and tapioca!

Barbara: Now, I’m going to make a bouquet of ALL your ribbons, and Joycey is going to make a list of everything you saiy when you open your presents, and THAT’LL be what you say on your wedding night, okay?

Rhonda Weiss: [ cheerfully ] Oh, you guys are so GREAT! Really, really, you are!

Barbara: Okay! [ picks up a gift ] The first one is from Joanne Pearlstein. I’ll just take the ribbon.

Rhonda Weiss: [ takes the gift ] Oh, thank you, Joanne! I-I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Thank you! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, a melon baller.

Barbara: Ohhhh, isn’t that thoughtful!

Joycey: How WONDERFUL!!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you know — I mean, like, when — when you don’t have any melon, and, uh — and — and you — then you don’t want it in balls, you know? You don’t mind that you don’t have a melon baller. But if you DO have melon, and you want it balled, and you don’t have a melon baller, you — then you really wish that you had a melon — [ to Barbara ] Am I right?

Barbara: Absolutely! Absolutely!

Joycey: Right.

Barbara: I mean, I know. Because, before I had my melon baller, I went without having my melon in balls for a REALLY long time!

Joycey: Me, too!

Joanne: I did, too!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Joanne!

Barbara: [ picks up a gift ] Okay, this one is from Rachel.

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Rachel! I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Thank you! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, an egg tweezer! Oh, you know, this is the kind of thing that you always really want, but you never buy for yourself.

Joycey: Yes, it is! Like, before I had my egg tweezer, I didn’t really miss it. But, now that I have one, I couldn’t live without it!

Barbara: It’s so true! I enjoyed mine so much that, every time I tweeze an egg, I think of the person who gave it to me!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Rachel!

Barbara: Cute paper, Rachel!

Joycey: Good card!

Barbara: Cute ribbon! Good curling!

[ Rhonda grabs her next gift ]

Barbara: Oh! This one! This one is from Eileen Freelander!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, thank you, Eileen! I-I know I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m sure I’ll really like it! Oh, look! [ she opens the gift and screams with delight along with her friends ] Oh, it’s an apron! It’s an apron, and it says “For This I Went To College?”

Joycey: Oh, that’s cute! That’s cute!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, you guys, this is the BEST bridal shower a person ever had — except for the one my cousin Judy gave me last Saturday.

Barbara: Okay, well, now it’s time for the surprise!

Rhonda Weiss: Surprise? What do you mean? What could it be?

Joycey: You’ll see!

Rhonda Weiss: Oh, I don’t want anything else. No, this is enough. Really. [ Barbara brings in a large, oversized gift ] Oh, no! Oh, God! What is it?

Barbara: It’s a combination blender-microwave oven-yogurt maker-waffle iron and vegetable steamer.

Joycey: From Louise and I, with L-U-V!

Rhonda Weiss: [ holding back the tears ] I — I mean — like — like this is the — like — like — I mean, this is what I want to — like — all I can say is, I have only wanted this… since I saw it last September in Bloomingdale’s Houseware Sale catalog. May I die if I am lying. I mean, I was willing to give up my Going Away dress to get this. Please, God, if I am lying, may I accidentally swallow my cotnact lenses when I am washing them in my mouth.

[ Barbara and Joycey hug Rhonda ] [ hands Rhonda a bouquet ] Here’s your ribbon bouquet to carry down the aisle for your rehearsal.

Joycey: Okay, and here’s what you’ll say on your wedding night: “Thank you. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m really sure I’ll like it!” [ all the girls shriek with joy ]

Rhonda Weiss: [ in tears ] Thank you… thank you, everybody. I — I just want to say that I — that I hope that you’ll be able to meet very nice criminal lawyers named Barry Leibowitz in your futures. [ the girls “Awwww!” ] Thank you.

[ camera pulls back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Reincarnation — Just Another Rerun?” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/21/77: Shower Mike



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22






76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Shower Mike

Written by: Bill Murray & Gilda Radner

Richard Herkiman … Bill Murray
Jane Herkiman … Gilda Radner
Richard Cularsky … Buck Henry

[Richard Herkiman, naked but photographed from thewaist up, enters his shower, shuts the curtain, andbegins what is clearly his morning routine:]

Richard Herkiman: Okay! All right! Okay! Another day,another dollar, Richard Herkiman! Let’s go! Come on,let’s go, let’s go! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.[starts the water, it pours down on him] Haaa! Hoga,hoga, haa, heyaheya, ho! Boy, that’s cold! Cold! ThatMexican family’s gotta go! Oh! All the hot water’sgone. Okay. [reaches for something hanging on thetiled wall behind him] Ladies and gentlemen! RichardHerkiman! Hey – hey!

[Herkiman loops a cord around his neck, at one end ofwhich is a microphone-shaped bar of soap, i.e., aShower Mike, and addresses an imaginary audience.Throughout the sketch, he treats the novelty gift asif it were a real microphone.]

Richard Herkiman: Whoo! Thank you, thank you verymuch. Whoo! [sings a cheesy version of the Beatles’song “Something”] Well, there’s something in the waythat that girl mooooooves – that attracts me like noother lover! Yeah, there’s something in the way thatshe woo-oo-oos me.

Jane: [pokes her head through the curtain] Honey?Honey?

Richard Herkiman: [speaks] Ladies and gentlemen –[sings] I don’t want to leave her now — [speaks] avery special guest! [sings] You know I believe andhow!

Jane: [joins him in the shower] Honey?

Richard Herkiman: [speaks] My wife, Mrs. RichardHerkiman, Jane Nash! Come on in, Jane!

[Richard croons wordlessly as Jane starts to latherup.]

Jane: I just want to– Honey, would you quit foolingaround? I just want to take a quick shower, allright? If you don’t mind.

Richard Herkiman: Say, Jane. How do you feel aboutsinging a song today? Huh? [puts the mike up to herface]

Jane: Richard, would you quit fooling around? I’m justtaking a shower.

Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on, honey. Would you mindsinging that wonderful morning song? [to his imaginaryaudience] Come on, let’s hear it for her! Come on!Let’s hear it for her! [The Studio 8H audienceapplauds.]

Jane: Richard!

Richard Herkiman: Jane, go ahead! [holds mike to hermouth]

Jane: [reluctantly sings as Richard snaps his fingersand joins in on a few words] On a clear day, why notlook around you and you’ll see– [speaks] Oh, Richard,stop it! You’re being silly. [starts washing herself]

Richard Herkiman: [squirts water out of his mouth]Listen, honey, a lot of folks out there want to knowif you really love me. Do you, honey?

Jane: [increasingly annoyed] Would you leave me alone,Richard?

Richard Herkiman: Do you love me with your whole heartand soul? Come on, honey!

Jane: Yes, I love you, I love you

Richard Herkiman: “I love you” — I know this is cornyand old-fashioned but, come on, there’s nobody else,is there? You really love, honor and cherish me?

Jane: I love you! Now, leave me alone, I’m in a hurry.

Richard Herkiman: Well, you know, honey, folks outthere, what my wife doesn’t know is that I know she’sbeen cheating on me for the last couple of years andwe’ve got behind the curtain a surprise guest, the manshe’s been seeing behind my back for the last twoyears, here he is! — Richard Cularsky! Come on in,Richard! [Herkiman pulls back the curtain and RichardCularsky enters the shower fully clothed] Good to haveyou aboard! Good to have you.

Jane: [amazed, to Cularksy] What are you doing here?![Cularsky kisses Jane]

Richard Herkiman: Yes, I brought him all the way fromhis home in the city to be with us here today. Isn’tthat terrific?

Cularsky: [Jane and Cularsky hug and kiss one another]Something tells me I shouldn’t have come, you’re toosurprised — but I do love you, come what may.

Richard Herkiman: All right. Now, tell me, kids, youkids must spend a lot of time in the shower togetherwhen I’m not here, huh?

[Herkiman holds mike to Cularksy’s mouth as Jane grabsa bar of soap and starts lathering the fully clothed”guest.”]

Cularsky: You bet! Nah, it’s funny — I – I’ll tellyou the truth. A lot of people have the wrong ideaabout that. It’s actually a lot safer to rent a hotelroom. You know, there’s much less chance of meeting anaunt or an uncle. And you don’t have to worry aboutchanging the sheets on the bed!

Richard Herkiman: Ouch! I forgot how much is involvedin this kind of thing. Whoo! Well, honey, you’ve beenconfronted with this thing now — are ya gonna breakit off with him for the good of your marriage or areyou just gonna continue to stick the knife in andtwist it and twist it, huh?

[Jane and Cularsky laugh.]

Jane: [big grin] Yes, Richard, that’s exactly whatwe’re gonna do!

Richard Herkiman: Wow, that hurts! Okay, you’ll haveto excuse me, but, uh, I’m an emotional guy and Ireally hate to get bad news. I’m sorry but that’s theway I’m built. Okay. Gee, I’m afraid that’s all thetime I’ve got for today. Thanks, kids, for droppingby.

Cularsky: Before you finish, Richard, I just want tosee that — want to say that we’ll be in Philadelphiathe first week in June at the Statler Hotel.

Richard Herkiman: Oh, great. Well, I’ll be looking foryou there. Okay. [Herkiman pulls back the showercurtain and Jane and Cularsky, still kissing, exit theshower] Thanks for stopping by. Mrs. Herkiman and theguy she’s been messing around with!

[Applause]

Richard Herkiman: [to his imaginary audience] Thankyou. That’s about – that’s about all the time we’vegot for– I’ve gotta finish up my shower and jump onthat busy, crazy commuter train o’ mine and get backinto work. We’re gonna go to a commercial right now.Is that right? We’re gonna go to a commercial. But,before, I’d like to go out on one of my favoritesongs. [sings “My Way”] And now the time has come forme to close the shower curtain. [closes the showercurtain] I did what I have to do — [speaks] we’ll seeya tomorrow! — [sings] and saw it through …

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER:
“Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu
Coming Up Next: Deja Vu”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/21/77: The Spirit of St. Louis



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 22






76v: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

The Spirit of St. Louis

Narrator…..Dan Aykroyd
Charles Lindbergh…..Buck Henry
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase

[ open on archival photograph of Charles Lindbergh and the Spirit of St. Louis ] [ Music: “Lucky Lindy” ]

Narrator: Fifty years ago today, a quiet, determined man named Charles Lindbergh was greeted by thousands of cheering Parisians as he landed his Spirit of St. Louis at ?? Field. Other crews had attempted a transatlantic flight, and had died trying. But the Lone Eagle did it alone, challenging the ocean and drowsiness for thirty-three grueling hours on his way to immortality.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: [ checks his watch ] Only thirty-two hours to go.

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Narrator: And that was just the first few grueling minutes of the thirty-three grueling hours.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Narrator: Once he left the Jersey coast, night and fog closed in. Unable to see in the darkness, Lindbergh could not tell how far above the ocean his Spirit of St. Louis was flying. And, at times, the Lone Eagle swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.

Charles Lindbergh: I wonder if I’m perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic. [ he opens the window to peer out, and is splashed by a wave ] Yes, I am.

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Narrator: Yet, Lindy’s greatest danger was his own fatigue. Alone in the tiny cockpit, he talked to himself to keep awake.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: [ yawning ] Oh boy, am I tired! I gotta stay awake, though. If I could just stay awake, someday they’ll be singing a song about this! [ singing ] “Lucky Bergie, staying awake…” no, no, no, not Bergie! Charlie’s my name. It’s Charlie! [ singing ] “Lucky Charlie…” Wait a minute. [ singing ] “Charlie kinda knew! Charlie kinda WOW!! Charlie!” [ he shakes his head no ] [ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Narrator: And always at hand was his trusty thermos of hot tea.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: [ pours a cap of tea from his thermos and drinks ] That’s the last of the hot tea… [ he places the empty thermos on the floor and begins to pee into it ] [ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Charles Lindbergh V/O: Gee, I wish there was someone to talk to in here…

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: Wait a minute… I know. [ he fashions a handkerchief around his hand ] Stewardess! Oh, Stewardess! [ moves his fingers like a puppet ] Yes, sir? Could I have some more macademia nuts, please? Right away, sir! Uh, would you like to see a movie? Is there any extra charge? Not for you, big boy! Ah! [ he leans back to turn a projector on ] Wait a minute, Stewardess. I’ve seen this movie before! [ he turns the projector off ] Don’t you have any magazines? Certainly, sir! We have “Spicy Stories” and “French Marbles”. Really? Let me see! [ he reaches down and retrieves a copy of “Spicy Stories” ] Hmm… golly! “Spicy Stories”! [ to his hand ] I think it’s time for you to take a nap, Stewardess!

[ he lowers his hand to his lap and begins to flip the magazine’s pages with his free hand, as the cockpit shakes ] [ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ] [ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Narrator: Then, turbulence! Yes, unexpected turbulence suddenly jerked the plane off… course! Course! The brave young aviator struggled vainly against sleep, and, once again, he swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.

[ Lindbergh places the magazine down, then closes his eyes and falls asleep ]

Narrator: Wake up! You’re perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic!

Charles Lindbergh: [ opens his eyes ] I wonder if I am perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic. [ he opens the window to peer out, and is splashed by a wave ] Yep!

[ dissolve to stock footage of the plane in flight ]

Narrator: Up there in the dark, the plucky young American flyer found comfort in thoughts of the Almighty.

[ dissolve to Charles Lindbergh flying in the cockpit ]

Charles Lindbergh: God? I’m tired…

Narrator: Yet, once again the Lone Eagle swooped perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic!

Charles Lindbergh: [ his heart no longer fully into this routine ] I wonder if, once again, I am perilously close to the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic.

[ he opens the window to peer out, only to be greeted by the theme from “Jaws” and the head of the Land Shark peeking over the window ]

Land Shark: Mr. Lindbar… brown… bing…?

Charles Lindbergh: What?

Land Shark: Captain Lindmare… burr… bear… burr…?

Charles Lindbergh: Who’s that?

Land Shark: Candy-gram.

Charles Lindbergh: [ confused ] I didn’t order any candy!

Land Shark: Um… exterminator.

Charles Lindbergh: I — I don’t need an exterminator! I’m flying solo to Paris!

Land Shark: M-maps… Paris maps.

Charles Lindbergh: I’ve GOT a map!

Land Shark: Compass.

Charles Lindbergh: And I’ve GOT a compass!! Now leave me alone!

Land Shark: Amphetamines.

Charles Lindbergh: [ smiles ] Well, okay… I guess we could chat for a while!

Land Shark: C-could you slow down a bit? I-I can’t keep up.

Charles Lindbergh: Are you swimming?

Land Shark: I’m running.

Charles Lindbergh: You’re running?!

Land Shark: Yes, sir. I’m running.

Charles Lindbergh: You mean… I’m on land, finally? I’ve made it to Paris?! I’ve gone all the way to France?!

Land Shark: Oui, oui, Monsieur.

[ Lindbergh smiles, as as his face is superimposed over crowds of French citizens awaiting his arrival on the ground ]

Narrator: And so, Charles Lindbergh managed to stay awake during man’s first solo flight all the way across the inky deeps of the icy Atlantic! With nothing but a simple compass, a thermos of hot tea, and nine cheap jokes. He became a legend in his own time, that lucky, lucky Lindy.

[ Music Out: “Lucky Lindy” ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Worships False TV Idols” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts