For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 12
Goodnights
…..Chevy Chase
Chevy Chase: Um… It was very much fun to be back. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much.
[ he starts playing the piano, as Bill Murray appears in the background and stalks about ]
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 12
Chevy Chase’s Monologue
…..Chevy Chase
…..Al Siegal
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: Thank you! Thank you very much! I can’t believe this. It’s been over a year since I’ve been gone, and, uh… I really miss the show. I’ll tell you one thing I’ve missed more than anything — [ he checks to make sure his zipper is pulled up ] Quite seriously — And that is the applause. I miss that more than anything. [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you!
I just want to say that my friends and the people who put on “Saturday Night” — even since I’ve been gone, before or after — still put on the BEST damn comedy show on the air. [ the audience applauds ] I thank you — I thank YOU on their behalf. I do.
I must say, it’s great to be back in this town, and I think, you know, let’s be honest — New York’s the greatest city in the world, isn’t it? [ the audience applauds ]
You know, uh — This trip, I’ve been spending a lot of time in Brooklyn. [ the audience whoops ]
Yesterday — I don’t know — in Los Angeles, they don’t have very many delicatessans, you know? THey don’t have Negroes. They have nothing, you know? But I spent a lot of time yesterday, uh, at a little delicatessan in Queens. [ the audience applauds ] Queens?
Of course, there’s no place more exciting than Manhattan to me. [ the audience applauds ] Manhattan is… unless, of course, that place is Queens. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]
I — I think that it’s very hard to express how I feel in words, and, uh… [ he turns to look at the band ] Well, if it’s alright with you, I’d just like to sing a short note. [ band member pounds a note on the piano ] The band!
[ singing ]
“The more I seeeeeee
The more I want you.
Somehow, this feeling
Just grows.”
Thank you. How about that band, huh?
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
You know, it’s been a…
[ the band keeps playing, until Chevy runs back to tell Howard Shore to stop ]
What a week! Not just for me. I guess we found a real-life “Rocky” in that Leon Spinks, huh?
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
He deserves a lot of credit. He really does. But I don’t want to take anything away from, I think, the greatest heavyweight champion of ALL time — no question about it — Mohammed Ali.
[ the audience applauds even more wildly ]
How about thay Muriel Humphrey? Huh? [ the audience applauds wirh slight amusement ] Absolutely.
Haldeman’s book’s coming out… Even more dirt about Watergate. I don’t know how you feel. Don’t you think Nixon’s suffered a much? [ he shugs ] Enough? Much too much? [ low response; someone in the audience cries “No!” ] He hasn’t suffered enough, has he? [ the audience applauds wildly ] They should have put him in JAIL, right?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah! And Agnew, TOO, right?! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yeah!
You know what I really love about your applause, is its sponteneity. [ the audience laughs ] That’s kind of what live TV’s about — great live television. It seems spotaneous. Uh, but you see, it really isn’t. Every word is, uh, written out and put on cue cards. It’s true! I’ll show you. [ calling ] Al? Could you give me a card? See, this is really the illusion of spontaneity.
[ Al Siegal hands Chevy a cue card, which Chevy holds up to reveal the words:
“Al, could you give me a
card?
See, this is really the
illusion of spontaneity.” ]
Chevy Chase: Thanks, Al! [ he hands the cue card back ] Uh… Give me the next card. By the way, Al? Come on up here, Al.
[ Al Siegal joins Chevy on stage, as the audience applauds wildly ]
Chevy Chase: This is Al Seigal, our cue card man. He’s done a great job, he’s got a lot to do, a lot of work… Incidentally, you’ve been a great audience. I think you all owe yourselves a round of applause. Please.
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
[ Al hands Chevy the last cue card and steps down from the stage ]
Chevy Chase: [ he holds up the cue card that reads: ] We’ll be right back after this message.
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
A.M.O.A. Sanitized Motel
Spokesman… Dan Aykroyd
Maid… Garrett Morris
[Open on a heraldic crest for the American Motel Owners Association: A broad stripe with the letters AMOA divides a shield. Above the stripe is a drinking glass sealed in plastic, below it is an electric motel sign. Below the shield is a ribbon with the word “Sanitized.”]
[A technical error prevents the DON PARDO voiceover from being properly heard. We can barely hear the words “American Motel Owners Association.”]
SPOKESMAN enters holding a wrapped, sanitized glass.
Spokesman: Did you know that there are over 800,000 motels in America? And did you know that “motel” means “service?” [Removes glass from wrapper] That means that we have to sanitize over 5 billion drinking glasses and commodes a year! How do motel glasses and toilet seats earn our sanitized wrapper seals? Watch!
[The camera pans away from SPOKESMAN and still pictures replace the crest via blue-screen.]
[Pictures show a large tanker truck being dispatched to a motel and TECHNICIANS in protective suits entering with heavy equipment]
Seconds after the last guest has checked out of his room, a Sani-mobile lab unit like the one pictured here is dispatched to the motel requiring sanitization! Our crack team of sanitization technicians arrives at the motel, armed with the latest in modern motel sanitization equipment!
[Pictures show TECHNICIANS blasting bathroom fixtures with flame, then rinsing them]
Immediately they visit the contaminated bathroom, and ignite powerful buty-oxy-acetylene torches, providing a powerful gas flame which was developed during our Vietnam conflict! Soon they’re raising the temperature of all glass, chrome and porcelain to a scorching 1500 degrees Kelvin! Oooh! That’s enough to destroy all fungus or viral life for up to a thousand hours! Heat like that needs a special high-powered bath coolant hosedown of SO2 disinfectant and industrial perfumes to make motel bathrooms springtime fresh!
[Pictures show EXPERTS in lab coats and clipboards painstakingly examining the bathroom fixtures with instruments]
Next, trained experts from independent clinical laboratories perform a thorough final inspection after exhausting and rigorous tests!
[Pictures show MAID adding “Sanitized for your protection” wrappers to toilet seat and glasses]
With the inspectors’ clearance comes the real heroine of our story, a skilled motel service person who executes the laboratories’ decision with experience and mastery that only comes with years of motel service employment! The job is nearly done, the wrappers are in place, and this motel bathroom is as pure and antiseptic as a private hospital!
[Pictures show entire crew smiling]
The entire crew proudly salutes YOU, the motel guests, for making their work possible!
Crest re-appears, camera pans back to SPOKESMAN holding a toilet seat with sanitization strip]
So when you break that seal- [Opens the toilet seat, breaking the strip] -you know it’s- [peers through the hole of the seat] -Sanitized for your protection!
[Applause]
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Farewell TV Appearance” ]
[ fade ]
Thanks to Tim Harrod for this transcript!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
The Rickey Rat Club
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Mr. Mike… Michael O’Donoghue
Willard… Bill Murray
Ben… Garrett Morris
Stinky… Laraine Newman
Slezeball… John Belushi
Phlegma… Jane Curtin
Scumbo… Dan Aykroyd
Annette… Gilda Radner
Bucky… Buck Henry
[Open on MR. MIKE seated in an armchair]
Mr. Mike: Hi. I’m Mr. Mike. Perhaps you remember me from my impression of Mike Douglas plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into his eyes. Or perhaps, from my impression of Tony Orlando and Dawn plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into their eyes. Or maybe from my impression of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir plunging long steel needles with real sharp points into their eyes. But enough about me, and on with the show. Are you ready, Rat-keteers?
Offstage Shouts: READY, MR. MIKE!!!
Mr. Mike: OK, then it’s time for Mr. Mike’s Rickey Rat Club!
[Dissolve to a drum satirizing the 1950s “Mickey Mouse Club” logo, with art of a menacing rat and the words RICKEY RAT CLUB. Pull out to see the Rat-keteers- cast members wearing rat ears, noses, and tails- surrounding the drum. They sing a parody of the “Mickey Mouse Club” theme. Behind them, the set is decorated like urban blight. “DANGER CONSTRUCTION AREA” and “POST NO BILLS” are written on the walls]
Rat-Keteers: (singers)
Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me?
R-I-C, K-E-Y,
R-A-T-(two drumbeats)
Rickey Rat-
Stinky: Sammy Slug!
Rat-Keteers: (singing) Rickey Rat-
Stinky: Sammy Slug!
Rat-Keteers: (singing)
Forever let us hang our rat (???) high,
HIGH! HIGH! HIGH!
Come along and sing our song and join the jamboree,
R-I-C, K-E-Y,
R-A-T- (two drumbeats)
YAAAAAY!
Bucky: Hey, hey! OK! Rat-keteer roll call, count off now!
[RAT-KETEERS march in a line and call off their names in turn]
Willard: Willard!
Ben: Ben!
Stinky: Stinky!
slezeball: Slezeball!
Phlegma: Phlegma!
Scumbo: Scumbo!
Annette: Annette!
Bucky: And Bucky!… Hiya, Rat-keteers!
Rat-Keteers: HIYA, BUCKY!
Bucky: Do you all know what today is?
Rat-Keteers: ANYTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN DAY!
Bucky: That’s right, Rat-keteers, and why do we have Anything Bad Can Happen Day?
Rat-Keteers: SO SOMETHING BAD CAN HAPPEN!
Bucky: Thaaat’s right! And why is it good for something bad to happen?
Phlegma: ‘Cause real life is full of horrible things and the faster we learn to like it, the better!
Bucky: That’s right, Phlegm-o[sic], it’s a dog-eat-dog jungle out there, and I’m training you kids to come out on the top of the heap, just like Rickey did!
Stinky: Oh, Bucky? Some of us who’ve never been Rat-keteers before were wondering what happened to the Rat-keteers from last year!
Bucky: Well, Stinky, remember when we helped science by confining all the Rat-keteers in a small, dark closet to see if they’d turn homosexual?
slezeball: Ohhh… You mean on, uh, Overcrowding Day!
Bucky: That’s right, Slezeball! Well, the experiment was a big success, and almost all of them came out of the closet!
Rat-Keteers: YAAAAYYY!
Phlegma: Anyway, it’s FUN being a Rat-keteer!
Annette: Yeah, we love Rickey, ’cause he’s not some cute, stupid cartoon mouse like Mickey!
Ben: We love Rickey ’cause he’s a rat, and he’s real, and he’s from Harlem!
slezeball: Yeah! Well, we love him ’cause he came up the hard way, just like Rocky, y’know?
Rat-Keteers: Yeah!
Stinky: Hey! Where IS Rickey?
Rat-Keteers: Yeah! We wanna see Rickey!
Bucky: Okay, Scumbo, Bring out Rickey!
[SCUMBO hands BUCKY a small cage containing a live rat]
Bucky: [attempting to make the rat talk via ventriloquism] “Hiii, Rat-keteers!”
Rat-Keteers: HI, RICKEY!
Scumbo: Wait a minute, Bucky! This isn’t the same Rickey from last week!
Stinky: Yeah, this doesn’t look like Rickey!
Willard: Well, this ISN’T Rickey! Our Rickey had progressive tail mange!
Bucky: (groping for an alibi) Uh… well! Uh… yeah, that’s right! Uh, this is… This is Rickey’s twin brother, DICKEY! This is DICKEY Rat!
Rat-Keteers: Ohhhhh…
Scumbo: What happened to Rickey, Bucky?
Bucky: Uh, this week Rickey’s been helping science!
Scumbo: Doing what?
Bucky: Testing cyclamates!
Ben: Is that where he is now?
Bucky: No, actually, he’s… he’s in rat hospital. And he says to say hello, and that you should all make Dickey here feel welcome!
slezeball: Wait a minute, what’s wrong with, uhhh, Rickey?
Bucky: Well, he’s got this… he’s got this sort of little cyst on his little rat liver.
Rat-Keteers: Ohhhhh…
Annette: Well, Bucky, can we visit him?
Bucky: Not today, Annette. He’s having some tests done.
Stinky: Well, can we see him tomorrow?
Bucky: It’s really not a good idea.
Ben: Well, how about next week?
Bucky: That’s doubtful. That’s doubtful.
Stinky: Well, will he ever be able to come back to the show again?
Bucky: We’ll know on Monday!
Rat-Keteers: “Ohhh,” “that’s horrible,” etc.
Bucky: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, what did you expect on Anything Bad Can Happen Day? Come on! Snap out of it, Rat-keteers! Is… Hey, is anyone hungry for rat-snacks? Hmm? We’ve got eggshells, coffee grounds, glass shards, and tick larvae! How about you, Slezeball?
slezeball: Nah, I ate before the show.
Bucky: OK… then are we all set to play “Cheese or Electric Shock?” Phlegma?
Phlegma: No… it hurts too much.
Bucky: (making one last try) OK… who’s ready to be exposed to Mister Atomic Waste? Annette?
Annette: Not me, I hate games that make my hair fall out!
Bucky: (exasperated) You know, I had you kids all wrong? I thought you were tough, I thought you could take it! You know, Rickey’s gonna be watching this show from his little Rat-ke-hospital bed. And he’s sure gonna be disappointed in you.
Rat-Keteers: (ashamed) Ohhh…
Scumbo: We didn’t know Rickey’d be watching! Is it too late to help?
Bucky: Well, are you all with me, Rat-keteers?
Rat-Keteers: YEAHHH!
Bucky: Good! Then after the show, WE can help science and test children’s flammable sleepwear!
Rat-Keteers: YAAAYYY!
Bucky: And in the meantime, why don’t we sing our goodbye song, to DICKEY?
Rat-Keteers: “OK!” “Sure!” etc.
(singing)
Now it’s time to say goodbye
To all our family…
D-I-C…
Bucky: See you in the sewer, suckers!
Rat-Keteers: (singing) …K-E-Y…
Why? Because we’re vermin!
Rat-Keteers: (singing) R… A… T!
Bucky: Hey! Why don’t we take Dickey out of his cage and give him a big Rat-ke-cheer?
Rat-Keteers: “OK!” “Yeah!” etc.
[They place Dickey on a small trampoline and toss him in the air twice as they cheer]
Yaaaaay, DICKEY!
Yaaaaay, DICKEY!
Yaaaaay, DICKEY RAT CLUB!
[On the third toss, the rat flies into the audience]
[Applause]
Submitted by: Tim Harrod
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
Schiller’s Reel
[As Pardo speaks, an academy leader counts down from 5 to 2, then the handwritten words “Schiller’s Reel” are seen.]
Don Pardo: Because of the subject matter, the following film by Tom Schiller will be presented in black and white.
[The following words scroll up the screen as a deep-voiced announcer speaks them. Funereal organ music plays.]
DEATH
The Great Enigma
What happens when we die?
What is on the other side?
Now mankind has startling new evidence from people declared clinically “dead” who have returned to tell of their experience. [Announcer says “experiences” despite caption]
Their descriptions are so similar… so vivid… that they may change mankind’s view of life, death and survival forever.
LIFE AFTER DEATH
a report from the other side
[A man of about 50 years old speaks to the unseen documentarian. Throughout the next three shots, ominous woodwind-sounding music builds.]
Man: I can remember… the nurses… saying something about “code pink,” and then clearly I remember… one of the doctors saying “he’s gone.” …I couldn’t understand how they could be so worried, when… I felt so happy to be outside of my body, and so peaceful. It was fabulous. Everything was bathed in a, an eerie white light… suddenly I found myself in a huge, white room… where I had to take a number and be seated.
[Another man, perhaps 60, speaks to the offscreen filmmaker.]
Man 2: I must have died, because I recognized my body was rising up, like an elevator. And I was passing through these rounds of light, and time, and space, and all of a sudden I came to this area which was filled blindingly with light and energy and space… and I had to take a number and sit down.
[A woman in her twenties speaks]
Woman: I was flying down this… corridor, with this… blue light, and… um, I ended up in this room where I had to reach up, and take a number, and then sit down.
[The camera tracks in slowly on a mechanical sign reading NOW SERVING 32. The studio audience begins applauding; the second digit turns over to 3.]
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Boggles Own Mind” ]
[ fade ]
Submitted by: Tim Harrod
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
Samurai Psychiatrist
Mr. Dantley… Buck Henry
Samurai… John Belushi
[Open in a psychiatrist’s office. MR. DANTLEY, the patient, speaks while lying on the couch]
Mr. Dantley: Uh, you know, Doc, I’m starting to feel pretty good about things. I’ve been coming to see you twice a week for, uhhh… three years now, and I feel that we’ve made great progress! There’s just a few more things that I’d like you to help me clear up, and I’m confident that I’ll be a new man! How do you feel about that?
[Pull out to reveal that SAMURAI is the psychiatrist. He scratches his chin through his robe and is non-commital toward the question.]
Don Pardo (V.O.): And now, another episode of “Samurai Psychiatrist.” (applause)
Mr. Dantley: I’ll tell you something, I keep having this strange dream, and oddly enough, Doc, you’re in it. How do you account for that? Why should you be in my dream?
[Samurai, now keeping notes with a pad and pencil, grunts in three syllables]
Mr. Dantley: Transference! Oh, yeah! You’re probably right, you’ve become sort of, uh, an authority figure to me, like my father.
[Samurai gestures with his pencil as though smoking a pipe and conversing]
Mr. Dantley: And as strange as it may seem, at times you’re… even a mother figure to me.
[Samurai ponders this, tapping his pencil repeatedly]
Mr. Dantley: Well, we’ve spoken about mother a number of times, yeah, I really love her. And that’s not unusual, is it, Doc? I mean, she was my first love, and you told me that was perfectly normal, that’s the normal Oedipus complex?
[Samurai grunts in a “could be” manner, and slips his knife out of and into its sheath once]
Mr. Dantley: Now you say that I loved my mother, and my father was jealous of that love, which leads to, what did you call it?
[Samurai pulls out his hari-kari knife and cuts two kumquats from a small tree between him and Dantley]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, yes, the castration complex! (laughter) But, what I’m wondering is, where does that leave me now? I’m a grown man, I have a good job, but I’m still a mama’s boy. Somehow, somehow I have to cut that old umbilical cord.
[Samurai responds by producing a large sword and, with a shout, posing as if to bisect Dantley]
Mr. Dantley: Ohhh, no! I can do it, I’m sure I can work that one out alone, it’s not that, that, that, that difficult. But, what about my mother problem? It’s ruining my life, I need answers. You know? I don’t wanna hear about sex any more. That’s the thing about you, you strict Freudians, everything is based on sex! I’ll tell you what I think, I think that Freud must have been a real sicko, ’cause all he ever thought about was sex!
[Samurai grunts questioningly]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah!
[Samurai grunts and shows Dantley a photo of Sigmund Freud with what looks like a rolled-up dollar bill in his nose.]
Mr. Dantley: Sex… oh, yes, sex and cocaine. But what about my mother problem, doc? What can I do about it?
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Free association? Well, sure, I mean, we’ve done it before, but I’ll try anything at this point. All right. Let’s go.
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: White.
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Cold.
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: What was that?
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Down.
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Cat.
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: Princess Anne. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You said-
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: “-Mom,” and I answered “Princess Anne.” A logical response to-
[Samurai grunts unintelligibly]
Mr. Dantley: “-Mom” would have been “dad,” but I said “Princess Anne…” which was my father’s nickname! (laughter) So of course, it’s really a father problem I have. That’s it, but, Doc, why didn’t you tell me this earlier? I mean, [angrily gets up from couch] it’s so obvious now, after three years of therapy, I have now come to realize this, it seems to me you’ve wasted my time! My time and my money!
[Samurai grunts in protest]
Mr. Dantley: You know something? I think you’re nothing but a quack! Yes, a quack!
[Samurai kneels on the couch, produces his hari-kari knife and motions as if about to kill himself. He seems to expect Dantley will stop him, but Dantley just watches]
Mr. Dantley: Okay, go ahead with it! For three years now, you’ve been threatening to do this, but this time I’m not gonna stop you! And besides, you can’t fool me, that’s not even a hari-kari knife!
[Samurai grunts, sounding much like “Oh, yeah?”]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah!
[Samurai plunges the knife into his stomach and goes through various slapstick death throes]
Mr. Dantley: Doc, you did it, you’re not bluffing! I thought you were bluffing!
[Samurai grunts in pain]
Mr. Dantley: Does it really hurt?
[Samurai grunts and gestures along the lines of “What do you think?!?!”]
Mr. Dantley: I can’t believe it! I’m terribly sorry!
[Samurai grunts and gestures along the lines of “small consolation now,” then grunts more pain]
Mr. Dantley: Doc, Doc, I never meant this to happen, believe me!
[Samurai grunts in pain]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah… Do you have any last words you’d like to say?
[Samurai grunts some last Japanese-sounding gibberish before expiring]
Mr. Dantley: He said… “Losebud.” [Rhyming with “Rosebud”]
Don Pardo (V.O.): This has been the last episode of “Samurai Psychiatrist.”
Submitted by: Tim Harrod
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
Stunt Baby
Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray
Gwen…..Jane Curtin
Howard…..Buck Henry
P.A…..Gilda Radner
[Open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. HOWARD stands next to GWEN, who holds a swaddled baby. DIRECTOR enters]
Director: (speaking into headset) OK, I know that. All right, all right. (Addressing Gwen) Gwen, darling! In this scene, you are the bored young mother, OK? You’ve spent the entire day at home with the baby, and then when your husband, Mr. Monster over here, comes home, he ignores you, OK? It’s driving you nuts! You start hitting the old juice a little bit, OK?
Gwen: Ha, ha, ha! Kind of reminds me of my own home!
(all three laugh)
Director: Terrific! All right, Howard? In this one, you’re the, uh, psychopathic father, OK? You hate your job, you feel trapped at home, OK? So when you get home, you take it out on your frustrated wife and the helpless baby.
Howard: I gotcha, Bri, I gotcha, pal.
Director: I knew you would, babe. (To the whole set) We’re lucky here, we have a terrific bunch! Can we hear it? “Terrifiiic…” Thank you, OK, good! (addressing the infant) Now, Timmy, you are the unwanted infant, OK?
[TIMMY gurgles in response]
Director: You haven’t been fed all day, all right? Now what happens, your mom and dad come home, they start fighting, uh-huh, yeah! so you start crying, OK?
[TIMMY gives a sample of his crying]
Director: Yeahhh, baby, all right! Perfect! OK, places everybody, let’s go, OK?
[GWEN places TIMMY in his crib at the back of the set as the set is cleared]
Director: All right. (singsong)Al-aaaaaannnn… OK, roll it for me? all right, roll ’em, mark it for me, will you, Tom?
[Tom, the clapper operator, holds up a slate clapper marked for the film “INFANT MOLESTERS”]
Tom: Scene 12, take one!
[Tom claps the clapper]
Director: And we got speed, rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a TU-ub, and action!
[Howard and Gwen are now in character, sitting on the couch watching TV]
Gwen: I’m sick of watching the same old thing!
Howard: Be quiet!
Gwen: Can’t we ever go and see a movie?
Howard: I said SHUT UP!
Gwen: We never GO anywhere!
Howard: I told you we can’t afford a babysitter!
[TIMMY is crying loudly. GWEN goes to fetch him from his crib]
Gwen: Now look what you’ve done!
Howard: Can’t you shut that kid up? I’m trying to watch TV!
[GWEN, holding the baby, goes to the TV and switches it off]
Gwen: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!
Howard: Put that thing back on!
Gwen: I should never have married you! (She gives TIMMY to HOWARD and storms off)
Howard: For once you’ve said something that’s right! (To TIMMY) Oh, shut up… you little brat! You’re driving me nuts! Shut up! shut UP! (He raises TIMMY over his head as if to throw him) SHUUUT UUUUP…
[DIRECTOR walks on the set]
Director: Cut, cut, cut! Good, good, OK, Bring in the stunt baby, OK? (laughter)
[P.A. enters with SKIPPY, the stunt baby]
Director: (yelling offstage) Gwen, that was sensational! (to Howard) perfect, Howard!
Howard: Thanks, Bri!
Director: Thank you! Can we take a look? (looking at SKIPPY) Ohhh, beautiful! Perfect match! Thank you, makeup, thank you! (to P.A. regarding TIMMY) OK, Take him away, all right. (To SKIPPY) OK, Skippy, how you doin’, little tough guy? OK, all right baby, in this scene, you’re crying, OK? It’s driving Howard crazy. Now Howard’s gonna slug you three or four times, OK? Now he’s gonna hit you- he’s gonna really hit you, OK? Yeah, there’s nothin’ fakier than a bogus punch, all right? Yeahhhh, this isn’t a John Wayne movie, all riiight! OK, now just roll with the punches, he’ll rough you up a little bit, and OK, oh! And during all of this… you should be screaming all the time, OK? Lemme hear it…
[SKIPPY cries]
Director: Aw, come on, a little louder?
[SKIPPY cries a little louder]
Director: All right, OK, save it for the take! OK, good! Good! (hands SKIPPY to HOWARD) Mister tough guy here! Mister twelve pounds, two ounces, yeah! OK, you got your kneepads on? You got your kneepads on? OK, when we finish we’re broken for the day, OK? (sing-songy) Nyah nyah nyahhh… OK, tough guy, OK, places everybody- (rolls his forearms, signaling the cameraman to roll film) -and let’s roll it!
[TOM enters with clapper]
Tom: Scene 13, take one.
[Tom claps the clapper]
Director: Perfect. Mark? OK, settle in everybody… and… OK, Skippy, start crying… (Skippy cries) …action!
Howard: Shut up, you little brat… you’re driving me nuts! Shut up! shut UP! SHUUUT UUUUP…
[SKIPPY cries constantly as HOWARD slams him down onto the TV, hits SKIPPY once, slams SKIPPY’s head into a 1970’s cable-TV box, punches SKIPPY three times, pushes SKIPPY into the face of a grandfather clock, drags SKIPPY’s head horizontally along the bars of the crib, drops SKIPPY to the floor, punches SKIPPY four times, and finally picks up SKIPPY and throws him through the living room’s picture window.]
[DIRECTOR enters]
Director: OK, cut! I think that’s a keeper, don’t you, fellas? Nice job, Howard!
Howard: Aw, thank you.
Director: Very nice, very nice. Hey, are you OK back there, Skippy? Hey, Skippinski, where are you, fella? are you ok?
[SKIPPY gurgles wearily]
I think somebody better, uh, take a look after Skippy OK? All right, 8:30 call tomorrow morning, everybody. We’re doing the buffalo stampede! Fabulous job, everybody! [Shakes HOWARD’s hand] Howard, let’s work together again!
[DIRECTOR & HOWARD exchange praise as camera pulls out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming up next… The Pros and Cons of Schizophrenia”]
Submitted by: Tim Harrod
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Laraine Newman
…..Anyone Can Host Finalists
Baba Wawa…..Gilda Radner
Don Pardo (V.O.): And now, Weekend Update, with the Weekend Update news team! Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin!
Dan Aykroyd: I’m Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: I’m Jane Curtin.
Our top story tonight: [Photo of Anwar Sadat behind Jane] Anwar Sadat arrived in Jerusalem today and immediately went on a sightseeing tour. If he has time, Sadat said he will address the Knesset and meet with Menachem Begin. If not, he will fly back to Egypt which has declared war on itself in protest of his visit.
[Photo of Lillian Carter with her hair windblown and disheveled]
Presidential mother Lillian Carter was electrocuted last night trying to climb the protective fence around the White House; she got a jolt of 15,000 volts. President Carter was extremely upset over the incident, saying he thought the fence had been turned off as part of his energy-saving program.
[“Medicine” Graphic behind Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: And a breakthrough in genetics. At Sloan-Kettering Medical Center in New York, doctors have discovered the genetic messenger that tells the fetus to become a boy or a girl. Update science editor Arthur Chirquin has given us a glimpse as to how this messenger operates.
[Behind Dan, a graphic reads: “XX = GIRL XX+Y = BOY]
According to Dr. Chirquin, all fetuses are born female, they have two X chromosomes, only in the presence of the Y chromosome-
[Behind DAN, a comically crude drawing of a man holding an envelope marked “Y” rides a bicycle. “ARTIST’S RENDERING” appears under the drawing]
-delivered by the messenger, does the child become a male. With the genetically coded message in hand he speeds toward the ovum and the sperm-
[New drawing: The bicycle man speeds past an arrow-shaped sign reading “CONCEPTION MOTEL”]
-to the point of conception. Here he must prove to be a swift messenger, for if he’s tardy, the child will remain female.
[Two drawings show the man running toward a door marked “ROOM XX,” and slipping the “Y” envelope under the door.]
And not a moment too soon does he approach his destination, and discreetly deliver the Y chromosome to the expectant couple. Did he make it in time?
[New drawing: A man and woman in bed triumphantly hold up the “Y” envelope.]
Yes! It’s a boy! [DAN laughs, hands JANE a cigar, and places another in his mouth.]
Jane Curtin: Ha, ha, ha! Thanks!
Dan Aykroyd: That’s wonderful! [Lights cigars] Congratulations, Jane!
Jane Curtin: Oh, thank you, Dan!
Dan Aykroyd: Thanks. Thanks a lot. I… I… I kind of feel… touched. Even though it was just a story, and…
Jane Curtin: Well, it was an easy birth, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Yeah.
[Behind JANE, a photo of Jimmy Hoffa]
Jane Curtin: The family of missing Teamster Boss Jimmy Hoffa has seen the film “Star Wars” 36 times, and this week a family spokesperson said that they believe that the little robot R2-D2 is actually Hoffa. [Hoffa fades to R2-D2 photo] The family recognized certain mannerisms, including the walk, head gestures, and especially vocal sounds which they say are strikingly similar to buzzes and clicks Hoffa used to make while eating.
[Photo of Evel Knievel]
Motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was sentenced to spend his nights and weekends in prison for assaulting a man with a baseball bat. When asked if he was sorry about the attack, Knievel said that he wasn’t, and that he was preparing himself for his next stunt, in which he will attempt to jump bail.
Well, in spite of Sadat’s visit to Egypt[sic], the most important story tonight is actually Saturday Night’s “Anyone Can Host” contest. and correspondent Laraine Newman is here with the five finalists. Laraine?
[Cut to Laraine in locker room]
Laraine Newman: Well, Jane, we’re almost halfway through with this week’s show, and I have here the five “Anyone Can Host” finalists. [To DICK] Governor, has the show been different from what you had expected?
Dick: Well, I… I really haven’t had a chance to say much, and I would like to give a speech about-
Laraine Newman: Well, thank you, uh, Governor. Uh, now Connie, the co-ed, do you think you have much of a chance of winning?
Connie: I don’t know, I haven’t done much and I really don’t- I wanna show more of my talent!
Laraine Newman: OK, well, dear, we will. Now Dave, the unemployed guy from Oregon. I suppose you have some plans for that $3000.
Dave: Well, yeah, I think I’ll get a car, uh, get a nice apartment here in New York, live it up for a year, and… with whatever’s left over I think I’ll buy savings bonds.
Laraine Newman: OK! Now Deb, the mother from Peoria, I suppose you have something to say to your three sons out there at home
Deb: Oh, yes, I sure do. Boys? I just wanted to tell-
Laraine Newman: Thank you, Mrs. Spillman[sic]. Now, Mrs. Spillman! Uh… you’re old!
Miskel: I’m old.
Laraine Newman: How do you feel?
Miskel: Tired.
Laraine Newman: OK, there you have it, our five finalists, in depth. Good luck to you all, back to you, Jane.
[JANE, back at newsdesk, is still smoking her cigar]
Jane Curtin: This just in: the Surgeon General has determined that warnings are dangerous to your health.
Dan Aykroyd: A sidelight to the Sadat-Israel visit story: Aboard the Egyptian leader’s plane today were some of the world’s most prestigious journalists, including NBC’s John Chancellor, CBS’s Walter Cronkite and Screw Magazine’s Al Goldstein. (laughter)
And, uh, I believe also in attendance, uh, was Baba Wawa! Weekend Update’s Baba Wawa, [Applause] she has a special report I understand, uh, from Israel.
[Two-shot of JANE and DAN. Between them, a screen showing BABA.]
Jane Curtin: That’s right, Dan, and I think she’s with us now!
Dan Aykroyd: Baba, how- can you hear us okay there?
[BABA does not seem to hear them.]
Dan Aykroyd: Ba- Baba?
Jane Curtin: Can you hear us, Baba?
Baba Wawa: Uh, Hewo everybody! Hew I am in Jewusawem!
Jane Curtin: Baba, what is the situation there?
Baba Wawa: Oh, they’re tweating me tewifficawy! I fwew first-cwass and they put me up in the Jewusawem Howiday Inn. Onwy here, they caw it the HIGH Howiday Inn! (laughs) That’s a wittew Iswaewi joke.
Dan Aykroyd: Baba, we understand from our sources that security is a major concern there. is this true?
Baba Wawa: Oh, absowutewy twue, Dan! I have a doubwe wock for pwotection on my doew.
Jane Curtin: Baba, have you spoken to any of the other dignitaries that are there, like Moshe Dyan, Abba Eban, Golda Meir…
Baba Wawa: Ohhh, Jane, I did bettew than that!
Jane Curtin: Really? Who?
I had wunch with Omah Shawif! and we have a wendezvous tomowow to pway bwidge!
Dan Aykroyd: Uhhh…
Baba Wawa: Hewo?
Dan Aykroyd: Baba?
Baba Wawa: Hewo?
Dan Aykroyd: Hello, Baba?
Baba Wawa: Wight.
Dan Aykroyd: Yes, uh, Baba, many- many people feel, in the press, that Sadat must return to Egypt with something, uh, substantial. What, what do you think his chances are?
Baba Wawa: Excewent. They’s a wovewy wittle gift shop in the hoteh wobby, whay you can buy wots of memowabiwia.
Jane Curtin: Baba, are you going to cover Sadat’s address to the Knesset tomorrow?
Baba Wawa: Oh, I don’t think so. Tomowow I have to fwy to Pawis to inteview Wee Wadwell. So, Dan and Jane, as they say in Iswayoh: Shawom!
Jane Curtin: Well, that’s the news tonight.
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you and good night.
Don Pardo (V.O.): Weekend Update is a presentation of Saturday Night News- keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century!
Submitted by: Tim Harrod
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
The Finalists in Buck’s Suite
…..Buck Henry
…..Connie Crawford
…..David Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Richard Kneip
…..Miskel Spillman
Buck Henry: Now, of course, we all know how much importance rests on your decision about who will be the finalist… who will ultimately host the Christmas evening show. And there’s a great deal at stake for each of these five wonderful people. That’s why we’re relying on you, to make the decision, ultimately, for us. When thye first came here a few days ago, in order to appear on the show, uh — we spent some time talking to them. What happened was this: the day before they came to the first run-through of the show, each of them, oddly — and aparently not knowing the others had done it — gave me a call in the hotel — the beautiful Essex House, where we’re all staying — and each one said, “I wonder if I could, you know, have a few minutes alone with you, Buck.” I assumed it was to ask about the show, to ask about their performance, to give them an idea of what we were relying on them to do when they came here tonight. So, I said, “Sure, come on up,” and I had each of them come up, one at a time, but… in the meantime, I called Gary Weis, and he and his crack film crew came up and hid a camera in the living room of my lavish suite. And what you’re going to see now is what actually took place when each of the five finalists came to visit me in my suite.
[ dissolve to the film, which opens on Buck seated on the couch as Connie Crawford joins him ]
Connie Crawford: Hi!
Buck Henry: Congratulations on being one of the finalists.
Connie Crawford: Thank you.
Buck Henry: It’s terrific.
Connie Crawford: Oh, I know! [ she laughs ]
Buck Henry: I guess everyone up at, uh —
Connie Crawford: Vassar.
Buck Henry: — Vassar, is pretty excited?
Connie Crawford: Oh, yeah! most definitely! [ she edges closer to Buck on the couch ] They’re all, you know, quite excited. [she places her hands over Buck’s ] I am, too. This is a… big thing for me.
Buck Henry: Well, uh — well, it’s nice for us, too.
Connie Crawford: You know, I’m certainly glad that you’re the host. It’s just that if anyone else was the host, I wouldn’t know what to do — I wouldn’t — I don’t know, I wouldn’t know how to feel comfortable… [ she begins to rub Buck’s head ] Somehow with you, I’m… instantly comfortable!
Buck Henry: [ nervous ] Mmm-hmm. Are you, sort of, interested in becoming a…
Connie Crawford: A hostess? Oh, am I interested! I’ve never been this interested in my life! To anything! Do me a favor — just one.
Buck Henry: Sure.
Connie Crawford: Take off your glasses. [ she pulls Buck’s glasses off ] Aww, that’s what I like to see!
Buck Henry: Well, Connie…
Connie Crawford: Bucky boy!
[ she grabs hold of him and pulls him down on the couch ]
[ cut to Buck seated on the couch with Dave ]
Buck Henry: You wanted to talk to me for a couple of minutes about something?
David Lewis: Well, yes, I was. When I was coming over on the plane, I was thinking about how good life is… and walking through the Oregon woods and the trees, tall, and your hair smells so good in the pine. And right after it rains, it just smells so fresh… the Canadian geese flying over, and, even if it’s overcast, you just… you just feel good walking in the woods – animals and chipmunks and little birds, I mean… they practically eat out of your hand. I mean, you could just pick them up and queenze them, until their eyes pop out!
[ Buck is visibly disturbed, as Dave goes to shake his hand ]
Buck Henry: Nice talking to you, David. [ he struggles to free his grip ]
[ cut to Deb Blair talking to Buck on the couch ]
Deb Blair: You know, I’m divorced and I have three sons that I’m trying to raise alone. And that’s why I entered the contest, because I’m not going to be able to afford Christmas this year.
[ Buck grimaces at the thought, as Deb attempts to shed fake tears ]
[ Buck stares at the camera in disbelief ]
Buck Henry: Thanks for coming up, Deb.
Deb Blair: Do you think I can win now? [ Buck smiles ] Thank you! [ she reaches over to kiss his cheek ]
[ cut to Richard Kneip sitting next to Buck on the couch ]
Richard Kneip: — Now, we’ve got some, uh — gold mines in South Dakota. The state has been looking at that for some time now, and, if we did take it over, I thought you might want to be the new Secretary of Mining. Would that help you make a decision?
Buck Henry: Is there a Secretary of Mining?
Richard Kneip: Not right now. But, depending on what might happen in the case of hosting this show, we might think about creating a new position in the cabinet.
[ Buck stares at the camera, more perturbed than intrigued ]
[ the governor adjusts a ring on his right hand ]
Buck Henry: What’s that, Governor?
Richard Kneip: This, uh — Black Hills gold.
Buck Henry: It’s very, very beautiful.
Richard Kneip: You’re right. Uh — [ he removes the ring ] Would that help?
Buck Henry: [ confused ] Well… you mean, let me wear it for a bit?
Richard Kneip: Well, yeah — just take a look at it, maybe think about the, uh — the offer I just made you.
Buck Henry: Thank you, Governor. This is a kind of an insight into politics for me…
[ cut to Buck on the couch with Miskel Spillman ]
Buck Henry: You wanted to talk to me about something?
Miskel Spillman: I met the other four contestants, and I think they’re wonderful. I think any of them would be good.
Buck Henry: Mmm-hmm.
Miskel Spillman: Uh — I don’t want to interfere with your decision-making process in any way.
Buck Henry: Yeah?
Miskel Spillman: I don’t want to interfere with the way the host is selected during Christmas.
Buck Henry: [ he nods ]
Miskel Spillman: Something’s going to happen around New Year’s.
Buck Henry: What’s that?
Miskel Spillman: I’m going to kick.
[ Buck stares at her dumbfoundedly, as the film ends ]
[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Brushes Teeth Diagonally” ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 6
77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone
Reunion in Kiev
Anya… Gilda Radner
Waiter #1… Buck Henry
Waiter #2… John Belushi
Sonya… Laraine Newman
[Open on ANYA staring out the window of a moving railroad car at night]
CAPTIONS: REUNION IN KIEV… RUSSIA 1918
Anya (V.O.): I wonder how much longer… it seems like we’ll never get to Kiev. I haven’t seen my sister, Sonya, since the Bolsheviks took over. Can’t this train go any faster? Time moves slowly when you are anxious. Yesterday seems so far away. Ah, yesterday… yesterday…
[Ripple-dissolve to the same shot of ANYA staring out the window]
Anya (V.O.): Yesterday… yesterday I was still on this train. [laughter] On the third day of this trip from Vladivostok to Kiev. I could have gotten up to move around, but I might have lost my seat. I remember the waiter approaching me.
[Enter WAITER #1]
Waiter #1: Excuse me, but would you like something to eat?
Anya: Just some wine, please.
Waiter #1: Of course.
[WAITER #1 leaves the compartment for the aisle, where he begins to pour a glass of wine.]
Waiter #1 (V.O.): My, she’s so lovely. Her face so beautiful, her body so supple. I remember the first moment I set eyes upon her. It was yesterday. I was pouring some wine, on the second day of this journey from Vladivostok to Kiev. I remember… I remember…
[Ripple dissolve to the compartment. WAITER #1 enters the compartment, carrying a glass of wine]
Waiter #1: Some wine for you, ma’am.
Anya: Not for me… I will be ordering that wine tomorrow, the third day of this journey from Vladivostok to Kiev.
Waiter #1: Ah. I’m terribly sorry. I… forgot what day it was.
Waiter #1 (V.O.): I can’t wait until tomorrow, so I can give her this wine.
[Ripple-dissolve to ANYA staring out window]
Anya (V.O.): The train moves so slowly. Time seems to be dragging. My thoughts drift back to a happier time. I hear the sounds of my childhood in Moscow.
[Slow Russian music is heard being hummed]
Anya (V.O.): The singing of the Brothers Karamazov.
[Camera pulls out to reveal WAITER #1 and WAITER #2 doing the humming]
Anya (V.O.): They were the hottest club act in Russia before the Revolution. Now, they’re singing stewards on the Vladivostok-to-Kiev run. It’s sad. I really can’t wait until tomorrow… tomorrow… tomorrow…
[Ripple-dissolve to ANYA staring out window]
Anya (V.O.): Tomorrow I’ll be still on this damn train. [Laughter]
[Pull out to see SONYA sitting to ANYA’S left]
Anya (V.O.): But in the evening I’ll be reunited with my sister Sonya, who will join me on this train as we continue on to Bulgaria, for the opening of the pogrom season.
[Enter WAITER #1, carrying a glass of wine]
Waiter #1: Your wine, ma’am. Nice and chilled.
Anya: I ordered that yesterday, the third day of our trip from Vladivostok to Kiev. Today is the fourth day! I already drank that. Didn’t I, Sonya?
Sonya: Yes, you did, my sweet sister.
Waiter #1: Are you sure? Hmm. [He exits to the aisle, throws the wine onto the floor, and reenters with the empty glass] So you did! Ah… I hope you liked it, ma’am! So sorry to disturb you.
[Ripple-dissolve to ANYA staring out window]
Anya (V.O.): That was tomorrow… I can’t wait! But right now, I’m thirsty.
Anya: Waiter! Where is my wine?
[Enter WAITER #2]
Waiter #2: Here it is!
[Enter WAITER #1]
Waiter #1: Here is your wi- [to WAITER #2] Hey, what are you doing here?
Waiter #2: I’m on today. This is my station!
Waiter #1: No you’re not! I’m on today, you’re on alternate yesterdays and every other tomorrow!
Waiter #2: Ohhh, tomorrow!
Both Waiters: Tomorrow… tomorrow…
[Ripple-dissolve to ANYA staring out window]
Anya: Tomorrow… tomorrow… tomorrow. [She turns to WAITER #1, sitting to her left] Ohhh, Mr. Karamazov.
Waiter #1: Ohhh, Sonya[sic]… [Turns to SONYA, sitting to his left] Ohhh… Anya[sic].
Sonya: Ohhh, Mr. Karamazov. [Turns to WAITER #2, sitting to her left] Ohhh, Mr. Karamazov.
Waiter #2: Ohhh, Sonya. [SONYA and WAITER #2 begin kissing passionately]
Waiter #1: I… I feel almost as good as I did tomorrow.
Waiter #2: No, that was yesterday!
Anya: When will it be today?
Waiter #1: Sometime tomorrow.
Sonya: Are you sure?
Waiter #1: Who cares?
[Both couples kiss passionately]
[CAPTION: THE END]
[APPLAUSE]
Submitted by: Tim Harrod