Bonnie Raitt & Robert Klein perform “Give It Up or Let Me Go”
…..Bonnie Raitt …..Robert Klein
Robert Klein: Ladies and gentlemen — once again, Bonnie Raitt!
[ Klein appears in Raitt’s band playing harmonica ]
Bonnie Raitt: [ singing ] “Well, I told you, pretty baby, such a long time ago If I found you with another, gonna walk right out the door You might think I’m crazy, one thing you’ve got to know But if you want me to love you You got to give it up or let me go.
I know it’s useless to be jealous, I couldn’t tire you if I tried Thinking of you messing behind my back It brings a pain I can’t hide. And if I can make that sacrifice, you can damn well make it, too.
Well, you come home drunk and nasty, you don’t tell me where you’ve been Just when things are going nice and sweet, you slip on out again. Well, baby, why do you have to mess up a good thing? I’ll have to find myself another man, one that can blow anything.”
[ piano solo ]
[ SCROLL: “NBC Special Report — Hordes of atomically mutated lobsters are descending upon the New York area… Combined military forces unable to halt their advance… Death toll estimated in the millions …More details as they occur …” ]
Bonnie Raitt: [ singing ] “But I told you, baby, a long time ago If I caught you with another, I’m out your door. One thing you got to know Honey, if you want me to love you Give it up or let me go.
Nick “Winters”…..Bill Murray Marilyn…..Gilda Radner Paul…..John Belushi Heinz Kleimer…..Robert Klein Mrs. Lyman…..Laraine Newman Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky…..Dan Aykroyd Paul the Pianist…..Paul Shaffer
[ open on Nick “Winters” singing the theme from “2001: A Space Odyssey” in the Powder Room at Meatloaf Mountain ]
Nick “Winters”: [ amidst his light applause ] Thank you very much! I always open with a little something by a guy named Ricard Strauss called “Twenty-oh-One”. Welcome to the Powder Room, everybody, up here at beautiful Meatloaf Mountain. I’m Nick “Winters”, and I’m here to entertain you, so sit back, have a hot-buttered rum, and let it happen. [ looks at the first table ] Now, what do I see down here in the front? We’ve got a cute little girl here with a cast on her leg! [ kneels down in front of her ] Honey, why did you bother to come up to Meatloaf with a broken leg?!
Marilyn: I.. I broke it today. This is my vacation.
Nick “Winters”: Oh, that’s terrible.. I guess we’ll be seeing alot of you here in the Powder Room, huh? I’m sure everybody wants to know: What’s your name, and how did you do it?
Marilyn: Well.. um.. I’m Marilyn Sunberg, and I rented my skis and boots here at Meatloaf Mountain.. and my binders were too tight, and I broke my leg walking over to the toe lift.
Nick “Winters”: Oh-h-h.. Bummer-ski, huh, everybody? That is awful! Well, the guys in rental are really good. It must have been some sabotage of some sort by disgruntled skiiers, or something – it happens! [ grabs a pencil ] Hey! I am gonna autograph your cast here, if you don’t mind.. something that I always sign. [ signs the cast ] “Don’t Eat Yellow Snow – Nick Winters.” Alright, honey? You’re welcome, kitten. Hey, who’s this crazy dude – your old man?
Paul: Uh.. Paul Sunburg. I’m from.. uh.. Minneapolis.
Nick “Winters”: Uh-huh? And what do you do, besides babysit forMarilyn, here?
Paul: I’m a Chemical Purchaser for the Ice Masters salt company.Here’s my card.. uh.. you can use the product here at Meatloaf Mountain, you know..?
Nick “Winters”: [ taking the card ] Bueno, my amigo. We’ll put this up over the bar, with some of the other cards. [ stands up ] Mr. and Mrs. Sunberg, this next song is going to be for you, because I hope that leg heals and you’re back on the slope in a couple of weeks. Oh, that cast makes me sad.. [ singing ] “Ohhh, don’t it make my brown eyes.. don’t it make my brown eyes.. don’t it make my brown eyes blue-ue-ue-ue..” You know, actually they’re hazel! [ singing ] “Don’t it make my brown eyes.. don’t it make my brown eyes blue-ue-ue!” [ glances across the room ] Just a second.. we have a celebrity in the audience tonight! It’s Heinz Kleimer.. with a snowbunny, obviously.. he’s the head of the Ski Patrol. Up to a little bit of night hotdogging tonight, Heinz? [ laughs ]
Heinz Kleimer: Not particularly. I just came to cash mypaycheck.
Nick “Winters”: You know, at 9:30 tonight, Heinz will lead the ski school and home patrol in the Torch Snake Dance, all the way down in Bear Run. Let’s see if he’s in any kind of position to pull it off. Tell me, Heinz, where did the Snake Torch Dance originate?
Heinz Kleimer: As a matter of fact, Nick, the Snake Torch originated in Zurmont, Switzerland during the World War, as a signal to allied bombers.
Nick “Winters”: A little bit of history, everybody. Is that true?
Heinz Kleimer: No. I just said that because you will believeanything, and you are a pimp! And if you don’t leave me alone, I shall strike you!
Nick “Winters”: Okay. And who is this pretty snowmuffin with you, Heinz? [ holds the microphone in front of her, as she mumbles something ] Excuse me, what? [ she mumbles again ] I’m sorry.. can you say it one more time?
Mrs. Lyman: Mrs. Lyman!
Nick “Winters”: Oh! Mrs. Lyman. Oh, I see.. are you still married, Mrs. Lyman?
Mrs. Lyman: Yes. My husband is exhausted, and I don’t ski.
Nick “Winters”: I see.. Well, you’ll make friends with Heinz here, he’ll give you a couple of free lessons and have you up on the boards in no time. Mrs. Lyman, how about a request?
Mrs. Lyman: [ covering her face ] No!
Nick “Winters”: Well, there are never any requests, I guess.. because there’s only one way everybody wants it, and that’s with plenty of snow! [ singing ] “Awww.. that’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it..” Six inches of powder! [ singing ] “That’s the way..” With a 50-inch base! [ singing ] “..I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh! Oh, that’s the way we all like it!” [ a sound is heard outside ] Uh-oh, wait a second. You hear what I hear? It’s the Snowcat. The Meatloaf Mountain Snowcat, owned and operated by our own Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky, the guy who manages all the slopes and runs the snowguns and makes sure none of you dudes hit any rocks out there. He comes in every night about this time to give us the snow report – let’s give him a warm welcome! Come on! Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky!
Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky: [ enters the room to applause ] Hello, Nick! Look what I got here! [ holds up a frozen porcupine ]
Nick “Winters”: [ excited ] Whoa-oa! What is that?!
Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky: It’s a porcupine! I was going down Bear Run, doing about 50 in the Snowcat, and he ran right out in front of me, he froze! I hit him with the snow pocker, he’s frozen up solid now. But, you know, you can make a good soup on the quills, you know?
Nick “Winters”: Well, how are the snow conditions for tomorrow? You know, one good thing about Indians is that they always know when it’s going to snow, and I love that! It’s terrific! What do you think about tomorrow?
Jimmy “Joe Red” Sky: Well, my nose says it’s gonna snow tomorrow. You see the veins sticking out? I guess you’ll get about 3 to 6 inches – I know, because I’m gonna be out there making it with my Snowguns. I need a drink! [ walks to the bar ]
Nick “Winters”: Okay, and this one’s on Nick “Winters”, if you would, Herbert.. thank you. Well, great, there you have it.. hey, everybody, snow tomorrow.. but let’s think powder and lots of it, please? Who’s a powder animal? [ hands are raised ] Everybody! Alright, Pauly, you ready to play a little bit of music?
Paul the Pianist: No?
Nick “Winters”: Hey, wait a minute! This is the Nick “Winters” show, and I do the entertaining, thank you! Let’s go out with something really hot for these folks, alright? A big hit on the ’77. [ singing ] “Ah.. Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars! Gimme those Star Wars.. don’t let them end! Ah.. Star Wars! If they should bar wars.. please let these Star Wars stay-ay! And, hey! How about that nutty Star Wars bar? Can you forget all those creatures in there? And, hey! Darth Vader in that black and evil mask – did he scare you as much as he scared me-e-e-e?” [ turns and screams when he finds Paul the Pianist wearing a Darth Vader mask ] My seventh winter up here! [ singing ] “Star Wars-s-s-s!”
[ the crowd applauds as the camera zooms into the audience, stops at hairy man with SUPER: “Unemployed Snowman” ]
Female Customer…..Jane Curtin Male Customer…..Garrett Morris Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi George Dionasopolis…..Dan Aykroyd Sandy Dionasopolis…..Laraine Newman Nico Dionasopolis…..Bill Murray Female Customer #2…..Gilda Radner Male Customer #2…..Robert Klein
Female Customer: I’ll have a tuna salad sandwich, and an order of French fries, please.
Pete Dionasopolis: No. No tuna.
Female Customer: You’re out of tuna?
Pete Dionasopolis: No tuna. Cheeseburger? Come on, come on, come on! I don’t have all day, we gotta have turnover, turnover. [ turns to Male Customer ] What are you gonna have?
Male Customer: Uh.. I think I’ll have grilled cheese and a Coke.
Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. [ turns to kitchen ] Grilled cheese?
George Dionasopolis: No grilled cheese.
Male Customer: No grilled cheese.
Male Customer: Uh.. cheeseburger and a Coke.
Pete Dionasopolis: Uh, no Coke – Pepsi.
Male Customer: Okay, uh.. Pepsi, and french fries.
Pete Dionasopolis: No fries – chips.
Male Customer: Okay, chips.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi,one chip!
George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!
Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi! Chip! [ throws them onto the counter ]
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to Female Customer ] What do you want?
Female Customer: I’ll have a cheeseburger and a small Coke.
Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. no Coke – Pepsi.
Female Customer: Pepsi.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi!
George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!
Sandy Dionasopolis: [ approaches counter with order ] Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, four Pepsi, chip.
George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Female Customer #2: [ sits down at counter ] Hi ya, Pete. I’ll have the usual.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] Cheeseburger!
George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!
Female Customer #2: Hey, I get mixed up. Is he your brother? [ points to Nico ]
Pete Dionasopolis: Him? No. My brother, Mike, he’s in the back. George, he’s my first cousin, but I treat him like a brother. Sandy, she’s my second cousin, but I treat her like a first cousin. Him.. [ points to Nico ] ..he’s my third cousin, but I treat him like a fourth cousin, because he’s vlahos. You know what that means? Stupid. [ phone rings, so Pete picks it up ] Hello, Olympia Restaurant. That to go? Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.. No, no fries – chips. Four chips? Pepsi? No Coke. No orange. No grape. Pepsi. Four Pepsi! Okay, ten minutes.
Male Customer #2: [ sitting down, spots Nico and makes his order ] I’ll have a couple of eggs, and sausage – is that link sausage or patty? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Uh, link sausage, a large orange juice, and coffee.
Nico Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger?
Male Customer #2: No, I don’t want a cheeseburger. Eggs, couple of eggs.. [ Nico nods ] ..eggs.. [ Nico nods ] Do you speak English? [ Nico nods ] Eggs, couple of eggs, over lightly, with sausage.. cafe.. cafe..
Pete Dionasopolis: [ interrupting ] No, no, no, no, no eggs – cheeseburger!
Male Customer #2: When do you stop serving breakfast?
Pete Dionasopolis: Now. No breakfast.
Male Customer #2: No breakfast?
Pete Dionasopolis: Nope.
Male Customer #2: I just want a couple of eggs.
Pete Dionasopolis: No breakfast! Cheeseburger!
Male Customer #2: Shut up! I don’t want a cheeseburger!
Pete Dionasopolis: Come on, come on, come on – don’t give me that. Come on, let’s go, let’s go, we gotta have turnover! You want a cheeseburger? Everybody got a cheeseburger, you want a cheeseburger? Come on – cheeseburger?
Male Customer #2: I don’t want a cheeseburger! I just got up, it’s too early for a cheeseburger!
Pete Dionasopolis: Too early for cheeseburger? Look – [ points around to his customers ] cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.
[ as Pete says “cheeseburger”, George throws cheeseburgers on the grill ]
Pete Dionasopolis: What do you want? What are you gonna have?
Male Customer #2: I’ll have a cheeseburger.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One cheeseburger.
Male Customer #2: No more cheeseburger.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to customer ] No more cheeseburger.
Male Customer #2: I’ll have a hamburger then.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Hamburger.
Male Customer #2: No more hamburger.
Pete Dionasopolis: No hamburger. No cheeseburger, no hamburger, no burger.
Male Customer #2: How about a couple of eggs, then?
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Eggs.
Male Customer #2: Over lightly?
Pete Dionasopolis: Scrambled.
Male Customer #2: Alright, scrambled.
Pete Dionasopolis: And what to drink?
Male Customer #2: Coke.
Pete Dionasopolis: No Coke – Pepsi.
Male Customer #2: Alright. Pepsi.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One Pepsi! [ smacks Nico with a menu ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!
Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi!
[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Russian Flu Groupies” ]
Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner Barbara…..Jane Curtin …..Bob Van Ry …..John Belushi
[ open on Rhonda Weiss and her friend Barbara sitting at the coffee table smoking joints in her apartment ]
Rhonda Weiss: No kidding, Barbara — I am SO out of it! This is really great stuff!
Barbara: I know! I am completely WRECKED!
Rhonda Weiss: Of course, when I get like this, we are talking Paranoid City. I mean, I am the original Space Cadet– Beam me down, Captain Kirk!
Barbara: Well, you seem fine now.
Rhonda Weiss: Wait!
Barbara: [ glancing across the room ] Rhon, do you know what I just realized? That stain on my rug looks just like a horse laughing.
Rhonda Weiss: [ staring intensely at Barbara ] You know… I can see myself in your glasses, and I can see myself seeing myself in your glasses.
Barbara: Try not to look.
Rhonda Weiss: The harder I try, the more I keep doing it to torture myself.
Barbara: You want I should put on my contacts?
Rhonda Weiss: No. Then I’ll start seeing myself in your contacts, and I’ll start seeing myself seeing myself in your contacts. And then I’ll start seeing your contacts moving around in your eyes, and then I’ll start seeing myself moving around in your eyes. And then I’ll start blinking. Only then I’ll be thinking about it. So I’ll start blinking a whole lot of extra times, and worrying! You can break out just by worrying and thinking and —
Barbara: Hey, look! I’m sorry I mentioned it, okay!
Rhonda Weiss: Now all I can think about is that you said “I’m sorry I mentioned it.” I can’t get it out of my mind.
Barbara: Alright, alright, alright! Once, something like this happened to me, and the way I got out of it was by trying to imagine the ideal wallet, keycase, and cigarette holder set.
Rhonda Weiss: That’s a great idea! [ staring into the distance ] The ideal wallet, keycase, and cigarette holder set. [ her mind drifts ] It keeps coming out in VINYL!
Barbara: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! Rhonda! Let’s go through your wedding album, okay?
Rhonda Weiss: Alright.
Barbara: First, there’s the picture of you… then there’s the picture of you, your mother, and your father… and then the picture of you and Barry —
Rhonda Weiss: Skip the page!
Barbara: Rhonda, let’s change the subject.
Rhonda Weiss: Alright. You know… the last time that this kind of thing happened to me, it was right before I went to bed. [ she sits up on the couch ] And all I could think was: “Who’s gonna know if I’m breathing after I fall asleep?” I mean, Barry’s asleep! He’s not gonna know if I’m breathing or not! So I stayed up the ENTIRE NIGHT to be sure that I was still breathing! I didn’t fall asleep ’til six a.m., and ONLY by giving all the Chenille balls on my bedspread names!
Barbara: [ sitting up on the couch ] I know exactly what you mean! You know what happened to me once?
Rhonda Weiss: What?
Barbara: Well — did you ever get afraid that you couldn’t swallow so you keep swallowing to make sure that you still can? And then your mouth get so dried that you actually can’t swallow?
Rhonda Weiss: No. I’ve never experienced that. But I’m going to start now!
[ both women begin practicing their swallowing, as Barbara looks around the room ]
Barbara: Rhonda? Rhonda?
Rhonda Weiss: What?
Barbara: Nothing.
Rhonda Weiss: No, really — what?
Barbara: I told you! NOTHING!!
[ they keep practicing their swallowing, about to turn blue in the face ]
Rhonda Weiss: WHAT?!!
Barbara: [ frantic ] LISTEN!! DID YOU JUST HEAR A BLACK MAN COME IN HERE AND STEAL ALL YOUR JEWELRY?!!
Jane Curtin: Coming up: Seattle Slew may never run again. That and other stories on “Weekend Update”, next.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Dimital, turns your mind into a donut shop. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I am Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight:
Those two old hustlers, Bert Lance and Larry Flynt, got together this week and formed a business partnership. Utilizing their respective skills, they plan to open a gang bank.
Well, that Russian satellite filled with 100 pounds of highly radioactive Uranium-235 has finally turned up in, of all places, a Nova Scotia lobster bed. Scientists say that the radioactivity has had no significant effects on marine life, except that the lobsters are now as large as helicopters and you can read in the dark with a mackeral.
Because of a steering defect, General Motors is recalling some 1960 Cadillac models, one of which belongs to Pope Paul. While the Pontiff could not be reached for comment, it’s reported he’s not concerned because his Cadillac is usually carried on the shoulders of Vatican aides, anyway.
Dan Aykroyd: Television personality Tom Snyder was lynched yesterday, by an active studio audience. A spokesperson for the mob said they did it for no particular reason, they just didn’t like Snyder’s attitude.
And, also in Hollywood, Sonny and Cher are denying rumors that they will marry again, following Cher’s divorce from Gregg Allman.
This just in from the Middle East: P.L.O. leader Yassar Arafat said today that the P.L.O. will recognize and fully support Israel’s right to make more concessions.
[ the next joke also belongs to Dan, yet the camera switches to Jane, who smiles with delight at the error ]
Dan Aykroyd V/O: New evidence uncovered at Pasadena’s CalTech Institute has shown that Albert Einstein was wrong. [ the camera now cuts back to Dan ] Dr. Frank Kelgore, of the nuclear physics wing of the Havar-Marr Adams Center, claims that the equation E=mc2 should be changed to E+E=mc-2 over v — that’s “v” for volume — 2 K. [ on the monitor, the equation is drawn on a chalkboard ] What this formula means is that atom nuclei are compacting at a rate too fast for our universe, and, in fifteen weeks, we can expect the end of time and space and matter, as we know it. [ the hand finally draws a frowny face ] Sorry, Albert.
While admitting that the swastika symbol is abhorrant to Jewish citizens, the Illinois Supreme Court yesterday ruled that the American Nazi Party has a constitutional right to display the swastika in a parade down the largely Jewish suburb of Skokie, Illinois. “Weekend Update”, in the interest of fair and impartial journalism, would like to remain neutral on this matter — and if any American Nazi members would like to come to our newsroom, we’ll gladly bend each and every one of them in the shape of a swastika, free of charge.
[ the camera cuts to a tight shot of Jane, who appears to be waiting for an angle that includes the news monitor. She jumbles her papers until such an angle is granted. ]
Jane Curtin: The late Casey Stengal — [ she jumbles her papers again, as the angle returns to a tight shot ] Was it worth it? [ she jumbles her papers some more ] We’ll just sit here and have a conversation until our — our Science Editor, Roseanne Roseannadanna, comes into place.
[ monitor shot shows two men surrounded by trees ]
Roseanne Roseannadanna V/O: Sorry!
Jane Curtin: Now that Roseanne Roseannadanna is in place, we’ll continue with Roseanne Roseannadanna… instead of doing the other stuff. It wasn’t funny, anyway!
Former Attorney General John Mitchell was reported in satisfactory condition this week after surgery to repair an aneurism. Here to explain to us exactly what an aneurism is, is “Update” Science Reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna. Welcome. Roseanne, just how serious is an aneurism?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Oh, it’s a rough one, Jane! Ananeurism means that an artery in your body is weak, and it starts to swell out like a balloon. It could burst and lead to a stroke. But, Jane, if you ask me, Roseanne Roseannadanna.. Mr. Mitchell is a lucky guy. Because his aneurism is on the inside of his body where no one can see it. [ Jane starts to look worried ] If it was on the outside, then he’d be in trouble! He’d look in the mirror before a dinner meeting and go, “Oh, no! Tonight’s the big dance, and I’ve got an aneurism on my face! I can’t go out like this!” Let me let you in on a little secret – once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, had a little wart on my face. It was like this little bubble thing, and it was round and it was hard as a rock. I thought that I was gonna die! I said to myself, “Roseanne Roseannandanna, how did you get this wart? You didn’t touch no toad! But at least, thank God, it wasn’t the kind that had a hair sticking out of it. You know the ones that your mother’s friends usually have, and you have to kiss them? Like, did you ever stub your big toe on the car, or drop someting heavy on your foot, and the toenail on the big toe turns different colors like purple and brown and green, and then ithangs there and falls off in your sock? And you’re left with a toe with no nail, and a sock that has a nail. What about little teeny-tiny baby toes? They are always soweird! Like, sometimes the nail on them looks like a canoe! Or, like it curves around like one of those boomerangs.. and then, if you clip it, you can’t throw it away, because it comes back! [ turns to Jane ] Jane, I was just wondering – what does your baby toe look like?
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, you’re making me sick..
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Hey, what’s your problem?
Jane Curtin: What do warts, fever blisters, and anythinghave to do with aneurisms?!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show youit’s always something. I want to tell Mr. Mitchell: I don’t care what your politics is, I know your wife is dead, I know you’re gonna go back to jail.. so I’ll leave you alone. It’s just like my father used to tell me when I was a little girl. I’d take my bath, and he’d make sure I was nice and dry, he’d put powder under my arms and every place.. and just before he’d tuck me into bed, he’d take my foot in his hand and he’d say, “This little piggy went to market; this little piggy stayed home; [ Jane mimicks her ] ..this little piggy had roast beef; this little piggy had none; and this little piggy has a toenail that looks like a boomerang! Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
Jane Curtin: [ relieved ] Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Hey, you wanna have dinner?
Jane Curtin: No! [ to the audience quickly ] That’s the news.Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Announcer: This portion of “Weekend Update” has been broughtto you by TransAmeriCo, where salad dressing and women’s sanitary napkins are the only things we put our name on.
Susan Edwards…Laraine Newman Dave Griffin…Robert Klein Joe…Dan Aykroyd X-Policeman…Bill Murray Announcer…Don Pardo
[Open on a man and woman opening a gift in their living room]
Susan Edwards: Oh, look! [Taking “his” and “hers” towels from the box]
Dave Griffin: Isn’t that nice? It was wonderful of your mother to send these “his” and “hers” towels because of your graduation from medical school tomorrow.
Susan Edwards: Well, you know, I think she’s finally accepted the fact that we’re not going to get married.
Dave Griffin: Well, she ought to. We’ve been living together for eight years.
Susan Edwards: Well, I don’t think your willing–winning the Cal Tech prize for your solar energy research hurt any.
Dave Griffin: [puts his hand over his mouth] You know, I love your mom and… and who knows? Some day, maybe we will get hooked up and really make her happy.
Susan Edwards: I don’t see why…
[Two men in blue jackets carrying guns burst in through the front door]
Joe: Freeze! X-Police! [They show badge cases without badges in them]
Dave Griffin: X-Police?
Joe: Yeah, we were kicked off the force a few months ago.
X-Policeman: But that won’t keep us from enforcing the law. [Walks behind the couch] You two are adults cohabiting in a single, single-family dwelling, and in this state that’s a felony!
Susan Edwards: How do you know?
Joe: We live in this building. We see you come and go all the time.
Dave Griffin: [Standing up] Wait a minute, you can’t break in here without a warrant!
X-Policeman: [Reaching into his jacket] Oh no, I got a warrant right here. Help me with it. [He grabs Dave and hits him over the head three times]
Susan Edwards: [sobbing] No wait, please! We’ve never done anything wrong!
X-Policeman: Yeah, sure, slut! If ya want, you can tell it to the X-Judge.
Joe: How you can say you’ve never done anything wrong really makes me sick! [Grabs Susan and begins slamming her against the wall] Boy, you people make me sick! Fornication, copulation, coitus! It’s all I can stand! Sex! You people are driving this country into a God-less mire! I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen a girl turning tricks on the street because she was born out of wedlock to a little 14-year-old girl…
X-Policeman: [Taps Joe on the shoulder] Joe. Joe, maybe you should stop slamming her against the wall. She’s unconscious and really can’t benefit from your words.
[Joe releases Susan, who falls limply onto the floor]
Joe: It’s too late. She’s dead. Another promiscuity-related death. This sort of thing turns my stomach! Better make it look like the guy did it.
X-Policeman: Right. Here. Put his hands around her neck. [Both X-Police bring the unconscious Dave over to Susan and put his hands around her neck] Yeah, right, then we’ll throw this glass of water in his face. [Dave immediately regains consciousness after being splashed with the water]
Dave Griffin: What, what, what? [He sees Susan laying on the floor and begins to panic]
X-Policeman: [Pulling Dave to his feet] Yeah, come on up, fella.
Joe: We came in to bust ya for cohabitation. Your girlfriend here tried to bribe us with sexual favors. And in a fit of jealous rage you went berserk, and ya strangled her before we could knock you out!
Dave Griffin: I did? Ohhh…[begins screaming and runs to the window, jumping through the glass]
Joe: Fingerprints! [Begins wiping items on the coffee table and picks up the couple’s towels] Cohabitation.
X-Policeman: [Shakes head] Tssss! Well, Joe, we’ve done all we can. Let’s get out of here before the real police come.
Joe: [Throws down the towels] Yeah, right! [Both X-Police leave the apartment]
[Dissolve to police lineup picture of Dave with a bloodied bandage on his forehead]
Announcer: Dave Griffin recovered from his fall and was convicted of first-degree murder and the beating death of Susan Edwards. Griffin was sentenced to life imprisonment in the California State Men’s Penitentiary at Chino, where he died six months later while being sexually assaulted by other inmates.
[Dissolve to an empty badge case above the “X-Police” logo]
Announcer: Join us again next week for another episode of X-Police.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 11 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 18th, 1978 Chevy Chase Billy Joel None Valri Bromfield Al Franken Andy Murphy Yvonne Hudson A Former President Speaks to the NationSummary: In rebuttal to Ronald Reagan, former President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) discusses the advantages of the Suez Canal. Recurring Characters: Gerald Ford, Betty Ford. Transcript
Montage
Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Chevy Chase milks the audience for cheap applause. Also Hosted: 79j, 82a, 85b, 86f, 91k, 95b, 96m. Transcript
The Moth MasherSummary: Pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) demonstrates how to use his masher to preserve moths.
Conversation After SexSummary: Terry (Chevy Chase) and his date (Gilda Radner) chat after their one-night stand. Transcript
Billy Joel performs “Only The Good Die Young”Also Performed: 81f, 89c, 93d.
KingSummary: John F. Kennedy (Dan Aykroyd) and Bobby Kennedy (Bill Murray) attempt to bug Martin Luther King Jr. (Garrett Morris). Recurring Characters: John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Bobby Kennedy.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Chevy Chase makes a fake phone call to relieve Dan Aykroyd of his “Weekend Update” duties. Laraine Newman interviews a striking coal miner (Al Franken) who can’t stop coughing. John Belushi’s boxing commentary leads to a vicious attack on Jane Curtin. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) is pleased to see Chevy Chase back at the Update desk. Garrett Morris repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing. Recurring Characters: Emily Litella. Transcript
Baggage Inspection CounterSummary: A dimwitted Customs trainee (Chevy Chase) overlooks the heroin being smuggled in by a couple (John Belushi, Laraine Newman). Transcript
Bad Day SoundtrackSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Laraine Newman confronts the singer (Valri Bromfield) who’s performing the soundtrack to her bad day.
SermonetteSummary: The Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein D.D.S. (Chevy Chase) of the Church of Confusion sermonizes nonsense verse. Transcript
Somewhere In France, 1944Summary: German soldiers (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) try to sneak behind American lines during WW2, only to be stumped by the Sarge’s (John Belushi) baseball quiz question. Transcript
Billy Joel performs “Just The Way You Are”
No Funny EndingSummary: Chevy Chase interrupts a Victorian scene with Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, and Jane Curtin so that he can have more performance time, but no one is able to come up with an ending for the sketch that makes sense. Recurring Characters: Land Shark, Rod Serling, Truman Capote. Transcript
[ a couple begin a conversation after having sex ]
Man: You want a cigarette?
Woman: No, thanks, I don’t smoke.
Man: Oh, good. Neither do I. [ pause ] That was terrific. How was it for you?
Woman: Okay.
Man: Was it just “okay”, or was it “really okay”?
Woman: Well, it was “really just okay”.
Man: Did you, uh.. did you.. hmm? Did you have, uh..?
Woman: Couldn’t you tell?
Man: Well, I’m not very good at those things. I can’t figure those things out too good. They confuse me.
Woman: Well, why did you ask?
Man: Well, you know, I figured we’ve just been very intimate, asintimate as you can be, you know? And, uh.. I’d feel sort of guilty if only one of us was satisfied, you know? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t try..
Woman: Oh, I know.
Man: Well, did you?
Woman: Well, look, don’t worry. Sometimes I do, and I don’t even know it.
Man: Huh? I’ve never heard of that before. When it happens to me, I know it.
Woman: Well, girls are different, you know? I didn’t even know I was allowed to have one ’til I went away to college.
Man: Do you usually have one, though?
Woman: Well, you see, it’s like this – I never really feel themimmediately. It’s sorta like they, uh.. kind of store up, and then I feel them all at once. Usually, on the first day of Purim. A lot of girls are like that.
Man: Well, then.. you mean, you did have one?
Woman: Well..
Man: You might have.
Woman: Yeah.
Man: Good. I feel better.
Woman: Could you hold me?
Man: What?
Woman: Well, I just wondered if you’d hold me. I mean, we’ve been so close and everything.. and I like that part, the holding part. I like that as much as the other part.
Man: Well, sure. I like that, too. [ they adjust themselves for comfort ] Can I ask you something personal?
Woman: Sure.
Man: Um.. I don’t want to pry.. but, who’s Phil?
Woman: How do you know about Phil?
Man: Well, in the middle of it, you said his name, you know?
Woman: Oh, gee. I’m sorry.
Man: It’s okay. Who is he?
Woman: Well, Phil’s my old boyfriend. We broke up a couple weeks ago. I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, really..
Man: Oh, no, no.. That’s okay, I understand. I was just wondering, that’s all. It’s okay..
Woman: You mind if I ask you a personal question?
Man: Of course. Shoot.
Woman: Who’s Terry? Right in the middle of everything, you said, “Terry.”
Man: I’m Terry. Terry Forrester?
Woman: Oh, I remember! You told me at the party! Right.
Man: That’s just sort of a habit, from all those night alone. Ididn’t mean to hurt your feelings..
Woman: Terry?
Man: Yeah?
Woman: Can I ask you another question?
Man: Yeah, sure.
Woman: Who’s Mommy?
Man: I said “Mommy”?
Woman: Yeah.
Man: Mommy’s my middle name – Terry “Mommy” Forrester, I swear!
Woman: I believe you.
Man: I know that sounds funny.. Well, it’s getting pretty late.What time do you have to get up for work?
Woman: Well, my boss is out of town, I don’t have to go in ’til the afternoon.
Man: Wow, you’re lucky. I’ve got a 9:30 class, it takes me 45minutes to get there.
Woman: Class?
Man: Yeah.
Woman: I thought you said you pitched for the Yankees?
Man: I did? Yeah.. well..
Woman: You even promised you’d give me tickets for opening day..
Man: Look, I was lying. I just.. I’ll level with you. I just wanted you to go home with me. I wanted to take you home, I thought it would sound a little better if I told you I was pitching for the Yankees. I figured if I told you I’m teaching Driver’s Ed for Rodell Junior High, you know..?
Woman: I understand. You must really like baseball.
Man: Never miss a game.
Woman: Yeah, me either. Especially the Yankees. I follow themclosely, like I know the whole roster.
Man: Well, why did you let me lie to you like that?
Woman: Well, I didn’t want to embarrass you, and I was afraid you wouldn’t take me home.. and I knew you’d tell me the truth, eventually.
Man: Well, that’s real nice of you. That’s real nice. I’ve gotta go. [ gets up ]
Woman: Well, where are you going?
Man: I told you – I’ve got an early class.. I’ve gotta get ready..
Woman: Well, you can stay, if you want to.
Man: I can?
Woman: Sure. It’s your apartment.
[ the Man turns the lamp off, as they both fall asleep ]
[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… How To Tell Shields From Yarnell” ]
Supervisor…..Dan Aykroyd Trainee…..Chevy Chase Priest…..Andy Murphy Black Man…..Garrett Morris Male Smuggler…..John Belushi Female Smuggler…..Laraine Newman Fake Priest…..Bill Murray Black Woman…..Yvonne Hudson
[ open on Baggage Inspection ]
Supervisor: Alright. U.S. citizens, Line 7, 8 and 9. [ to Trainee ] Okay, this is Flight 419 from La Paz, Bolivia. Now, a flight from La Paz will very likely have someone on board who thinks they can tromple on the law and sneal through United States Customs with illegal narcotics, such as cocaine or marijuana. Some are gonna try to come in without paying the import tax on foreign purhcases, like art, jewelry and clothes.
Trainee: Yes, sir. [ to Priest ] May I see your passport, please?
Supervisor: It’s alright, Father, go right ahead.
Trainee: That’s alright, Father, go right ahead.
Supervisor: Don’t waste your time. It’s obvious he’s a real priest. After a couple of months on this job, you get so you can spot smugglers as soon as they step off the plane. For instance, rule of thumb: always check black people! A lady with a kid – they’re allowed to go by, don’t waste your time. A young couple, another rule of thumb; young couples, check! Okay. Here, watch me. [ demonstrates on Black Man ] May I see your passport and re-entry declaration, please?
Black Man: Yeah.
Supervisor: Alright. Would you open your luggage, please?
Black Man: Yep. [ opens luggage ]
Supervisor: [ investigates luggage ] Alright.. do you have any animal or vegetable matter?
Black Man: Oh.. no.. no.
Supervisor: [ digs further into the luggage ] I don’t believe you declared this, sir! A marijuana seed! I’m afraid we’re gonna have to submit you to a personal search!
Black Man: Uh.. I gotta go to the bathroom..
Supervisor: No, you don’t go anywhere, sir!
[ wrestles Black Man to the ground ]
Supervisor: Okay, I’ll take care of this guy, and.. Whitfield, you carry on here. [ exits ]
Trainee: Yes, sir. [ to the line ] Uh.. next, please. Uh, you can go right ahead.
Male Smuggler: Hi! Boy, is it great to be back in America! [ laughs nervously ]
Female Smuggler: If I don’t sit down, I’m afraid I’m gonna have a miscarriage!
Trainee: May I see your passports, please, and re-entry declaration?
Male Smuggler: Oh.. sure, of course.. my pleasure.. Are the, uh, contractions getting closer, honey?
Female Smuggler: Don’t worry about me.. I’ll be alright as soon as we can get out of here, and I can find a place to lie down..
Trainee: Uh.. you want to open your luggage, please, sir.
Male Smuggler: Huh?
Trainee: You want to open your luggage, please, sir? Right up here.
Male Smuggler: [ relunctant ] O-pennn.. the suitcase?
Trainee: Yeah. Please.
Male Smuggler: Oh. Okay. Uh.. sure, okay.. here we go.. Okay. [ puts suitcase on the counter ] You know, a lot of people are in line here..
Trainee: Yeah. Sir, I’m gonna have to inspect your luggage.
Male Smuggler: Okay. I mean, is this like normal, I mean, you know, hey, wait a minute, I didn’t expect this..
Trainee: Please relax, sir..
Male Smuggler: The two people ahead of me didn’t do it, you know? Why me, man? I mean, why me?
Trainee: Later, we’ll simply give you a- Let me give you one of these right now. [ tears paper ] It’s a “Why Me?”, it explains why the Supreme Court has allowed us to inspect your luggage. It’s for your own protection. Please, just relax.
Male Smuggler: [ breathing heavy in anticipation ]
[ Trainee opens the luggage, which is packed with white powder; Male Smuggler backs away ]
Trainee: Hold it right there, fella!
Male Smuggler: Huh?
Trainee: [ pulls out shirt from underneath the white powder ] Where’d you buy this shirt?
Male Smuggler: I got it.. at Taylor-Robbins.
Trainee: Taylor-Robbins?
Male Smuggler: Yeah.
Trainee: O-kay..
Male Smuggler: Okay.. okay..
Trainee: You have any animal or vegetable matter, sir?
Female Smuggler: [ defensive ] What do you mean? What do you mean? You mean, like, marijuana or cocaine?
[ Smugglers laugh, as Supervisor returns ]
Supervisor: Well, that’s it! One more drug smuggler under arrest! How’s it going here, Whitfield?
Trainee: Fine, sir.
Supervisor: Yeah, I can still smell the stuff on my hands. I’m gonna wash it off, I’ll be back in a minute. [ steps away ]
Trainee: Yes, sir.
[ Male Smuggler sighs relief ]
[ Female Smuggler moans ]
Trainee: Are you in Bolivia for business or pleasure, sir?
Female Smuggler: Uh.. business!
[ Male Smuggler smacks Female Smuggler across her front, busting open her fake boob which begins dispensing cocaine in a slow trickle ]
Female Smuggler: Uh.. um.. I mean, pleasure!
Male Smuggler: Right! I mean, sure, you know? It’s really beautiful down here, man, you really should go sometime, I mean.. it’s a really nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live here, you know? I mean, I got sunburned on my nose the first day! [ laughs ]
Trainee: You buy these boots in Bolivia, sir?
Male Smuggler: What?
Trainee: You buy these boots in Bolivia, sir?
Male Smuggler: Uhhh.. yeah.. no, no! I got them in Los Angeles, before I-I left.
Trainee: Here.
Male Smuggler: That’s my aftershave! You can confiscate that, if you want! You can take it, take my aftershave! [ laughs ]
Trainee: That’s alright, sir. [ pulls sweater out of white powder ] Alright, sir.. how about this sweater? You buy this in Bolivia?
Male Smuggler: What?
Trainee: Did you buy this sweater in Bolivia, sir?
Male Smuggler: Yeah! Yeah!
Trainee: It was not entered on your declaration form, was it, sir?
Male Smuggler: No.. it wasn’t..
Trainee: Let’s take a look. [ Supervisor returns ] This sweater was not entered on their, uh, declaration form. I don’t know how to handle that, sir.
Supervisor: Uh.. you folks bringing in more than $125 worth of foreign purchases?
Male Smuggler: [ quickly ] No, sir! No, sir.
Supervisor: That’s okay.
Trainee: Okay. Thank you very much, you can go.
Male Smuggler: [ excited ] Thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou!! [ closes his suitcase quick and hurries to flee the scene ]
Trainee: I hope it’s a boy!
Female Smuggler: Oh! Thank you!
[ they exit ]
Trainee: Next, please.
[ Fake Priest enters with a barrel filled with drugs ]
Trainee: Oh, that’s alright, Father, you can go right ahead. [ Fake Priest quickly makes his exit ] Next, please!
[ camera pans above set to audience, zooms in on Jaqueline Carlin with SUPER: “Understudy” ]
Gerald R. Ford…..Chevy Chase Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin
Announcer: [ over title card ] “The Little House on the Prairie Burns to the Ground” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.
[ fade to black ]
[ fade up to presidential card ]
Announcer: And now, in response to Ronald Reagan’s address on the Panama Canal issue, here is former President of the United States Gerald R. Ford.
[ dissolve to Ford sitting nexto an endtable ]
Gerald R. Ford: Hello, my fellow North Americans. It feels good to see you again. I have not ssssssssseen you…? I have not seen you or addressed the nation since my last time… being President. Tonight, I wish toooooooo… urge the ratification by Congress of the… Suez Canal… Treaty. I feel that we shouldn’t turn over the canal to our tiny little neighbors to the south of Panamites…
[ suddenly, the phone rings ]
Gerald R. Ford: Excuse me. [ he picks up a glass of water and splashes it to his ear ] Hello! [ he puts down the glass and picks up the phone ] Hello?
Voice of Betty Ford: Honey? It’s soup now.
Gerald R. Ford: Thank you, Betty. I’m on television now.
Voice of Betty Ford: Oh, I’m sorry.
Gerald R. Ford: Oh, that’s okay. Bring it down. You know how I am when it’s soup, I’m on the go.
Voice of Betty Ford: Okay.
[ he hangs up the phone onto the water carafe ]
Gerald R. Ford: You know… [ he looks to the side ] Liberty? Sit. [ he looks around for Liberty, then stretches across his chair ] Every administration sicne Lyndon Johnson has been in favor of this treaty. [ counting on his fingers ] I would say that was Johnson, Nixon, Carter… me. That’s three. Three-and-a-half, if you count me.
[ Betty ambles forward with his soup ]
Gerald R. Ford: Oh, Betty!
[ Gerald attempts to grab the bowl of soup, but first ends up with only the saucer in his hand ]
Betty Ford: Now, hurry up and eat your soup, dear, because if you don’t eat it quick, it turns into a cup of nasty chemicals. [ to the camera ] And since I’m here, I’d like to say Hello and reiterate my support of the ERA. Thank you. [ she walks away ]
Gerald R. Ford: Thank you, Ron. I’m sure all the ERAs will be appreciativitive… Now, many people are confused about the Suez Canal, and well might they be. Let’s look at a map, shall we? [ he turns to sip his soup, then finally stands and stumbles his way toward a map of North and South America ] Before there was a Suez Canal… if you happen to have a boat, or were on a boat, and wanted to get from Washington, D.C. to San Francisco, you had to kind of do this: [ he traces a route along the waters with his pen, going all the way around South America and back to the western side of North America ] A very long way and down and around the Cape of Good Horn… and up and through… This was not easy. Now, you would have been so surprised, unhappy you had not seen the canal. We’ve changed that. Let’s take a look, shall we? Now, if we want to get to California… we simply coem down around here the same way, to the canal… [ he traces the same route, accidentally going past the canal and having to scratch out his error ] On the west coast of the ?? River… [ he traces through the canal, then accidentally traces along the southeast side of South America before scratching out this error as well ] If we can have just another glimpse of the new map… [ he picks up the map, nearly tripping over the easel ] Almost went! [ he then loses his grip of the map and trips over the endtable, sliding into his chair, then tumbling over the endtable in the other direction and entangling himself within the lamp and phone ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:
Summary: In rebuttal to Ronald Reagan, former President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) discusses the advantages of the Suez Canal.
Summary: Chevy Chase milks the audience for cheap applause.
Summary: Pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) demonstrates how to use his masher to preserve moths.
Summary: Terry (Chevy Chase) and his date (Gilda Radner) chat after their one-night stand.
Also Performed: 
Summary: John F. Kennedy (Dan Aykroyd) and Bobby Kennedy (Bill Murray) attempt to bug Martin Luther King Jr. (Garrett Morris).
Summary: Chevy Chase makes a fake phone call to relieve Dan Aykroyd of his “Weekend Update” duties. Laraine Newman interviews a striking coal miner (Al Franken) who can’t stop coughing. John Belushi’s boxing commentary leads to a vicious attack on Jane Curtin. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) is pleased to see Chevy Chase back at the Update desk. Garrett Morris repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.
Summary: A dimwitted Customs trainee (Chevy Chase) overlooks the heroin being smuggled in by a couple (John Belushi, Laraine Newman).
Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Laraine Newman confronts the singer (Valri Bromfield) who’s performing the soundtrack to her bad day.
Summary: The Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein D.D.S. (Chevy Chase) of the Church of Confusion sermonizes nonsense verse.
Summary: German soldiers (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) try to sneak behind American lines during WW2, only to be stumped by the Sarge’s (John Belushi) baseball quiz question.
Summary: Chevy Chase interrupts a Victorian scene with Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, and Jane Curtin so that he can have more performance time, but no one is able to come up with an ending for the sketch that makes sense.
