Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad


Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad

Jackie Rogers, Jr……Martin Short
Angelique…..Pamela Stephenson
Sammy Davis, Jr…..Billy Crystal
Rajeev Vindaloo…..Christopher Guest
Captain Kangaroo…..Jim Belushi
Mindy…..Mary Gross


Announcer: Yesterday, our champion Rajeev Vindaloo, a private investigator from Kanoga Park, California won over $10,000 in cash and prizes. His challenger is Mindy Williamson, a schoolteacher from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and they’ll be battling it out today on America’s favorite game show –

Audience: Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad!!

Announcer: And here’s the man of the half-hour – Jackie Rogers Jr.!

[ Jackie enters singing and dancing ]

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ singing ]
“Who wants a winner, give ’em half a chance
Saints and sinners, the love to fill their pants
with loot from Uncle Sammy’s treasure chest
if you work hard
on Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Waaaaaaaaaaddd!”

[ audience applauds ]

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: You’re so sweet! In the words of the immortal Sally Field, “You like me!! You like me!!” [ laughs ] And, now, to introduce the celebrity guests, here’s my live-in lady, or common-law wife if you will, Angelique!

Angelique: [ enters ] Jackie, our celebrity, Mr. Entertainment himself – Sammy Davis, Jr.! [ Sammy enters ] And, Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan! [ Bob enters ]

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, my goodness gracious, talk about excitement! Sammy, Day 2! Any thoughts, sir?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: I tell you Jacksola.. I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, the private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?

Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise or two.

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!

Captain Kangaroo: Thank you, Jackie. Just let me say hello to all the boys and girls out there – hello, boys and girls! And I’m tickled pink to be helping Mindy here. And a special thanks to you, Jackie, for paying me in cash. You are paying me in cash, right? No checks. That was the deal!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes, yes.. of course I am, my Captain! [ twirls fingers around his head ] And, Mindy, I heard backstage that you were a little bit shaky, a little bit nervous. Are you feeling better, my lady?

Mindy: Yes! Well.. no.. I guess you would say I’m satil nervous.. I guess.. I thought I wasn’t for a moment, but I was wrong..

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Because, if you run into any trouble, Mindy, you can always contact your old friend Mork from Ork! [ snickers ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ laughing ] You’re nuts!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: I completely made that up, that was an improvisation!

Sammy Davis, Jr.: I know it, you lab rat, let’s do this!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: So, you be good! Now, you all know the rules. They’re very much like “Pyramid”, but different. Now, Captain, would you like to give, or would you like to receive?

Captain Kangaroo: Um.. alright, I’ll give.

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Great! Now.. the category is “Things You Find in a Circus”. “Things You Find in a Circus”. Captain, get ready, and go.

[ CLOWN ]

Captain Kangaroo: Okay.. okay.. this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.

Mindy: A clown!

[ TRAPEZE ARTIST ]

Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.

Mindy: Monkeys!

Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..

Mindy: I don’t know..!

Captain Kangaroo: Next one!

[ RINGMASTER ]

Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..

Mindy: A clown!

Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!

Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!

Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!

Mindy: I don’t know!

Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!

[ LION ]

Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!

Mindy: I don’t know!

Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!!

[ buzzer sounds ]

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Bobby, now that is a disqualification..

Captain Kangaroo: NEXT!! NEXT!! NEXT!!!

[ bell rings ]

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, round over.

Captain Kangaroo: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, I’m very, very sorry, but you did well.

Captain Kangaroo: Oh, this is just GREAT!!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes. Rajeev, Sammy, would you like to give, or would you like to receive, which one?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ pause ] I’ll give, Jackie.

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, very good. The category is.. “Horn of Plenty”. Sammy, describe these foods, if you will, sir.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ouch!

[ POPCORN ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a thing at the movies, it comes in kernals, you eat them up in oil.

Rajeev Vindaloo: Popcorn.

[ PICKLE ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a little hot, spicy number.

Rajeev Vindaloo: Rita Morena.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It comes from a cucumber, they let it sit in a barrel with its brothers so it becomes something else.

Rajeev Vindaloo: A caterpillar.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.

[ ANGELFOOD CAKE ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is an apres dinner kind of thing, dessert, three layers, icing on top.

Rajeev Vindaloo: Japuti.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. Say you’re in heaven, you’re flying around, you got a little halo, you’re..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Dead.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you did a lot of good stuff, you’re..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Blessed.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Yeah, but you got the wings, the halo, you’re going from cloud to cloud..

Rajeev Vindaloo: I don’t know, what is it?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next.

[ CHOCOLATE BABIES ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Uh.. this is, uh..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Chocolate Babies?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right.

[ ASPARAGUS ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Okay, this is a long shaft kind of thing with a tip on the end..

Rajeev Vindaloo: [ winks ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Next!

[ BAGEL ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Ah, this is one of my people’s favorite kind of things, it’s a round thing..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Dress shields.

No, babe.. no, babe.. it’s something I have with cream cheese, lox and onion, and I prefer a slice of tomahto.

Rajeev Vindaloo: Oh, yes?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’ll put it to you this way, listen to me now. You’re in a boat, you’re sailing, not in the pcean but smaller than an ocean..

Rajeev Vindaloo: A lake.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, no.. not inland.

Rajeev Vindaloo: A sandbar.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: It’s a little inlet type of thing.

Rajeev Vindaloo: A bay.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right! Bay…

Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: There’s a few birds, you see them, they’re called sea..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Birds.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right, right, they’re birds, but they’re called.. Sea..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Sea Birds.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right. You see them walking on the beach, they ared..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Whitie Birds.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: They are white, man, they’re called sea..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Birds.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let’s move on.

[ FILET MIGNON ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: This is a nice hunk of meat, babe. It ain’t a delmonaco, it ain’t a shell, it’s..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Egg McMuffin.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No. It comes with a piece of bacon strapped to the top..

Rajeev Vindaloo: Beef tuna.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s the ultimate piece of meat.

Rajeev Vindaloo: Mel Gibson.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, babe. It’s the one that sits alone on the plate, you say, “How the heck does this cost that much?”

Rajeev Vindaloo: Filet Mignon.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Right!

[ bell rings ]

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, Mindy, Captain, so sorry, but we do have the home version of the game for both of you.

Captain Kangaroo: Great, like that’s going to pay for my mortgage!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright! Rajeev, Sammy, let’s spin for the wad! [ they dance over to the wheel ] Oh, we’re here already, who’s winded! [ Angelique puts a pointy hat on Rajeev’s head and straps him to the wheel ] Alright, now, Rajeev will be spinning for anywhere from $100 to $100,000! How exciting! Just the thought of it must be giving Rajeev a chubby! Let’s ask him. Rajeev, are you excited, sir?

Rajeev Vindaloo: Yes, I am..

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Sammy, any predictions, my friend?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Predictions? Yeah. I predict Lena is gonna win a Lifetime Grammy, I mean it’s long overdue, you know? But that’s a whole other trip, you know? But, hey, I’ve got sphilkas – let’s spin and do!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Alright, Sammy, you do the honors.

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Oh, thank you, my man!

[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. When Rajeev stops, he’s pointing to “SPIN AGAIN” ]

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh! Spin Again!

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Spin Again?

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: No! Isn’t that always the way! Oh, Sam, it’s irritating, isn’t it?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m crashing low.

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, good Lord. Now, Sam, give it a good tug, my man!

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Hey man, I weigh 122 with the rings, you know what I mean?

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: [ laughs ] Go to it!

Sammy Davis, Jr.: Alright, here we go, Raj..

[ Sammy spins the wheel, watching as Rajeev goes round and round. Rajeev continues to spin as the show’s closing music rises. ]

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh, good Lord! Well, my producers tell me we’re out of time!

[ Sammy and Jackie sing “Big Wheel Keep on Turning” as Rajeev continues to spin out of control to close ]

SNL Transcripts

Ricky & Phil


Ricky & Phil

Ricky…..Billy Crystal
Phil…..Christopher Guest


[ open on Ricky in his apartment, pouring a bag of Oreos into a bowl ]

Ricky: This is the greatest! Super Sunday is like the greatest day of life! It’s unbelievable! I love Super Sunday, it’s amazing! It’s so amazing, it is unbelievable!

[ Phil enters the apartment ]

Phil: Hey, Ricky, how ya doing?

Ricky: Hey, Phil! Hey, where ya been, I was worried, you know? It’s almost game-time, did you get all the stuff?

Phil: Yeah, I got all this stuff! What’s the big rush, huh?

Ricky: I’m excited, it is Superbowl Sunday! It’s my favorite day, it is unbelievable!

Phil: [ points to all the goodies in the bag ] Look at this, look at this. I don’t know what you’re in a rush for, you know? Your 49er’s are gonna roll over like a dead dog, his petrified feet are gonna stick up in the air.

Ricky: Oh, really? Like I am really, really afraid of a team that has Flipper on their helmet, right? [ laughs like a moron ] I’m really, really scared!

Phil: Look, can I show you what I got here?

Ricky: Sure.

Phil: This is for the game, while we’re watching the game, look what I got here. Cheese balls..

Ricky: Great.

Phil: I got family-sized beef jerky..

Ricky: Great.

Phil: And, to drink, I got grape soda.

Ricky: Unbelievable!

Phil: It’s unbelievable, right? And, when the Dolphins are presented the Vince Lombardi Trophy for their victory, and you’re handing me your five bucks that you owe m.

Ricky: Five bucks, right, right. Like I’m running to the bank now to get your five bucks, right! [ laughs to himself ] What are you, an idiot?

Phil: What are you, a creep?

Ricky: What are you, a moron?

Phil: What are you, a jerk?

Ricky: What are you, a pinhead?

Phil: What are you, a doofus?

Ricky: Hey! Take it easy!

Phil: Alright, relax.

Ricky: It’s Super Sunday, okay, Cabbagehead!

Phil: You’re a brisquet-breath!

Ricky: What, Tush-For-Brains?

Phil: You’re a schmegma!

Ricky: Hey! Hey, I don’t like that! Come on, now what else we got to eat here?

Phil: Let me show you what else I got here for the festivities, alright? We got Bavarian Mint Ice Cream..

Ricky: Ooohhh..

Phil: ..on.. [ pulls out package ]

Ricky: Celebrity Frozen Mini-Waffles? What the hell is this?

Phil: It’s frozen mini-waffles, bearing the likeness of your favorite stars. Look, they got George Segal, Nell Carter, F.B.I. Zimbalist, Jr..

Ricky: Oh, they got J.P. Morgan and Chuck Woolery!

Phil: That’s pretty great, huh?

Ricky: That’s unbelievable!

Phil: Okay, and for dinner, which I am going to be savoring because of the 45-0 Dolphin victory..

Ricky: [ makes phone noises ] Excuse me, must be the telephone. [ answers make-believe phone ] Hello? Yeah, hold on. It’s the Bellevue Crazy House? Hello, Crazy House? You got a straitjacket for Phil Amatullo, because he thinks the Miamis are gonna win! Yeah, I know! He’s unbelievable!

Phil: That’s really funny. You’re a dipstick, you know that?

Ricky: Right, right, right.. thank you very much, that’s very funny. You are a creton.

Phil: You’re a douchebag!

Ricky: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, Super Sunday!

Phil: Okay, let’s watch it.

Ricky: Okay, Vomit-Breath.

Phil: What did you say?

Ricky: I said Vomit-Breath.

Phil: You’re a midget!

Ricky: Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Elephant Ears.

Phil: Hey, look, I suppose you think that Fred Dean is gonna come around, right, and sack my man Marino. Is that what you think? He’s not gonna lay a hand on him, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Ricky: Oh, really?

Phil: Yeah, really. When my Danny-boy sees him, he’s gonna throw the football into his fat blubberface!

Ricky: Oh, you really, really think so?

Phil: Yeah, I really do!

Ricky: Well, let me tell you something, pal – if my boy “Mad Dog” Fred Dean don’t sack your Pretty-Boy Dan Marino, who’s so fat he looks like he lives in a tanning center..

Phil: Right.

Ricky: I will personally go out on the fire escape, I will remove all of my pants, and I will moon Sister Polly Rucci at Our Lady of Pompei, okay?

Phil: You will?

Ricky: I will.

Phil: You got a deal. [ they shake ]

Ricky: Okay.

Phil: You’re a dimwit!

Ricky: You’re a peabrain!

Phil: You know something? You smell like a rhino’s nipple. Did I ever tell you that?

Ricky: Thanks very, very much. You know, that’s really, really nice. I gotta ask you one question, could I ask you this, Phil?

Phil: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh, is it possible that you could get, like, more pimples on your back?

Phil: That’s nice. Could you do me a favor? Could you get your feet to smell more? Would that be possible? Maybe you could kill all the pets in the building! That would be good.

Ricky: Right, that’s really nice. Let me ask you this – could you, like, fail a written driver’s test, like, eight more times, maybe?

Phil: Wait, let me ask you this – the idea is, what, that you’re never gonna blow your nose? Is that what it is? The rest of my life, I’m looking at a Whitman’s Sampler of boulders over here! That’s attractive, that’s great.

Ricky: [ pulls up his nose with his fingers ] Take a look at these!

Phil: I’m looking, pal, put it down!

Ricky: Let’s have a truce, okay? It’s Super Sunday.

Phil: Okay. Truce.

Ricky: What’s for dinner?

Phil: I got two Le Dinners.

Ricky: Le Dinners? What the hell is Le Dinners?

Phil: Look – Le Dinner. Predominantly beef patties, lima beans, carrots, and potatos au grautin. Huh? And, for dessert, Pez! Did I do good, or what?

Ricky: You did unbelievable! I love this Pez! This is really, really great!

Phil: Okay, look, as a special surprise now, I rented us some classic films, alright?

Ricky: What’d you get?

Phil: First one here – Night Nurses 3-D”. You still got them glasses?

Ricky: Absotutely!

Phil: Alright. Okay, we got “17 Wet & Willy”. This one’s Beta, you just have to shove it in there, right?

Ricky: That’s it.

Phil: Oh, this is nice, look at this. [ holds up tape ] You gonna say it?

Ricky: Mmm-hmm..

Phil: No?

Ricky: Ain’t going near that one, I’ll tell you that right now! I thought we were getting “Clan Caravan Part II”?

Phil: We couldn’t get it!

Ricky: Why not?! I don’t wanna see that one! I mean, I like the music and everything..

Phil: You loved it, really!

Ricky: I don’t like animals..

Phil: [ looks at watch ] Hey, lok at this, what’s it say to you?

Ricky: It’s time for the game!

Phil: Alright, let’s get out of here! Here we go, here we go.. [ turns on Ricky’s TV, but nothing happens ] What’s the matter with your TV set?

Ricky: Nothing! It’s a great set!

Phil: What are you talking about?

[ TV sparks and explodes ]

Ricky: That’s unbelievable! What the hell did you do to it?!

Phil: This is great! Why don’t you get an older set, so more tubes are gonna explode, alright?

Ricky: Like, I will, when your teeth, like, rot more! Like, inside your gums, alright?

Phil: Yeah! Maybe you should lose more hair! You could start shaving from the top of your head down, put a bow tie on the back of your neck..!

[ and on and on they argue, zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

… Christopher Guest
… Jim Belushi
… Don Pardo
Paul Harvey … Rich Hall
Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal
… Calvert DeForest


[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.

[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated atthe news desk.]

Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:

Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder leftLouisville’s Humana Hospital today to live in a nearbyapartment. A special van transporting him stalled inthe driveway. But, fortunately, Schroeder’s heart isequipped with jumper cables. … Trip continuedwithout further incident.

Who is this man? [Photo of man in sunglassesand hat] And this man? [Photo of same man inseed cap] And this man? [Photo of same man inhardhat] And this man? [Photo of same man incowboy hat] Believe it or not, they are allthis man — [Photo of same man wearing no hat]– new Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. … It’sbeen reported that he wears all those hats to coverthe birthmark on his head. However, SNL News haslearned that it is NOT a birthmark — it’s an aerialmap of the Philippine Islands [Photo of map] … leftover from Gorbachev’s Soviet espionage days….

In New York this week, the ASPCA has accused theRingling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus ofpresenting a fake unicorn, charging it is actually agoat with a surgically-implanted horn. A circusspokesperson has denied the charge, saying that theanimal is a sheep that suddenly sat down on abroomstick. …

[Photo of veterinarian reaching into a horse’s mouth]Famed jockey Willie Shoemaker was swallowed by a racehorse this morning … at an upstate track. Theveterinarian shown here trying to remove Shoemakerfrom the horse’s throat says it happens quite oftenwith hungry horses and small jockeys. …

Christopher Guest: And now, here with acommentary, is Saturday Night Live’s critic-at-largeJim Belushi. Jim? [applause]

Jim Belushi: Thank you, Chris. You know, I, uh,I love this country – uh – it’s been good to myfamily. It’s – it’s been great to me. I – You know, Idon’t like to say anything really bad about it but–But they did one stupid thing. They broke up AT&T.Y’know, we used to have like the BEST DAMN telephonesystem in the universe. But not any more. Not since -not since the trust busters broke up AT&T. Haveyou tried callin’ Information lately? [picks up aphone] I mean, y’know, they give you the number. Theysay the number is [imitates computer voice]”Five-Five-Five One-TWO-Four-NINE.” … And I say”THANK YOU” TO A RECORDING! … [pulls air horn fromunder desk, points it toward the phone and blasts thehorn noisily] … You know, I wanna talk to a humanbeing!

And call waiting! I HATE – I hate call waiting.Y’know, I’m in the middle of a conversation. I’mtalkin’ to somebody and hear this annoying littleclick. Click-click-CLICK! Right? And they say, “Holdon for a second,” right? And I know – hey, Iknow what’s gonna happen. The other call’sgonna be A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ME! … I mean,you know, how can I possibly have anything reallygreat to say?! They come back on the line and say,[imitates wimpy phone friend] “You know, uh, can Icall you right back?” … And I say– [pulls out airhorn again and blasts the phone] … YOU’RE NEVERGONNA CALL ME BACK! …

And then I get a BILL that you need to go to COMPUTERCAMP to EVEN READ! … And they’re charging you forthings that they aren’t supposed– that are supposedto be free. Y’know, I’m – I’m tryin’ to get myemotional life together and, since the break-up,they’ve been chipping away at it. Y’know what Imean? It used to be when you smashed a phone againstthe wall or threw it out the window, the phone companywould give you a brand new phone in twenty-four hours.No, now they call up– You call ’em up and they tellya, “Go to the phone store.” A phonestore! [imitates man talking to woman] “Okay,honey, I’m gonna go pick up a dozen eggs, a quart ofmilk, and a PHONE!”

[holds up a check] And what about this?! What isthis?! A pay phone ate my quarter. They send mea check for twenty-five cents! … What am I supposedto do with this?! Take off o’ work, go to the bank …wait in line for a half hour … Get to the teller,she says, “How would you like this, Mr. Belushi? Allin NICKELS? … Two dimes and a nickel or twenty-fivepennies?!” [blasts the check with the air horn] …DON’T BE A WISE-ASS! …

[imitates mincing operator] “Thank you for callingAT&T.” [drops the check with disgust, it slides offthe desk, cheers and applause] Back to you,Chris.

Christopher Guest: Thank you. [Belushi honkshis horn once more, this time at Chris who cringes alittle] Ooh.

A new religious item came out this week. [holds up analbum full of cassette tapes] “Francis the TalkingBible.” … The complete Old and New Testamentsrecorded by Francis. … We can’t play it but it wouldsound something like: [flawlessly imitates 1950sanimal star Francis the Talking Mule] “In thebeginning, God create–” … Something like that.Anyway, I – I recommend this. [closes and puts albumaway]

Yesterday morning, the USA for Africa’s “We Are theWorld” record was broadcast simultaneously onthousands of radio stations including the nationwideMuzak system — the second time in its history thatMuzak has broadcast a human voice. … The first time,of course, was in 1965 when Don Pardo sang the themefrom “Jeopardy” … with a chorus of game show losers…. Don, can you give us a little bit of that?

Don Pardo V/O: [mellow and deeply apologetic]Sorry, Chris. I’ve forgotten it.

Christopher Guest: ‘S’too bad.

Don Pardo V/O: [building to a classic announcerfrenzy] But I can give you a matched set ofSamsonite luggage! … An Amana homefreezer! A round-trip–!

Christopher Guest: [interrupts] It’s okay!Thank you. Thank you, Don! Thank you. …

Don Pardo V/O: [mellow again] Not at all,Chris.

Christopher Guest: Never mind. Now, with aneditorial, here is guest commentator, PaulHarvey.

[Cheers and applause for the chipper, elderlylegendary radio personality who breaks up hissentences into weirdly multi-rhythmicphrases.]

Paul Harvey: Hellooooo, Americans! I’m PaulHarvey! [sudden pause as if in mid-sentence] … Youknow, yesterday morning, I interrupted my radiobroadcast, Chris – to join with billions across theplanet in singing [long pause, breaks into a grin] …”We Are – the World” – it’s true! [rapidly] Sales ofthe record have been phenomenally successful, themoney will go to starving nations. But there’s a lotof bureaucracy involved – money has to become records,records has to become money again, money has to beused to distribute grain. It’s a complicated process.Wouldn’t it be a lot simpler if they could just –eat – the records? … Why not record the songright onto this nutritious pita bread? [holds up aflat round piece of pita bread with a hole in thecenter] … Staple of millions throughout the world.[holds up a small pizza with a hole in it] Or how’bout this individual “We Are the World” pizza? …You know, the wife and I cook these up right in thestudio. I think you’re gonna be amazed at therecording values, Chris. They’re just absolutelyphenomenal. Give a listen – to this. [plays pizza onportable record player, horribly scratchy version of”We Are the World” song is heard]

Christopher Guest: Sounds great, Paul. Soundsgreat. That’s enough of that, okay? [annoyed, reachesover and takes the needle off the record, abruptlyending the song] That’s enough of that.

Paul Harvey: [tries to restart the song] Holdit, I was just getting to the Bruce Springfield partthere! Hold it. …

Christopher Guest: [puts a hand on the recordplayer] No, that’s – that’s fine. Okay? That’s just -that’s enough. Why don’t you just say good night, allright? …

Paul Harvey: Well, you know, there’s also thiszesty tortilla version– [holds up a tortilla with ahole in it] …

Christopher Guest: Just say good night – justsay good night, okay?

Paul Harvey: I’m Paul Harvey – gooodday! [applause]

Christopher Guest: In our last edition, wereported that music superstar Billy Joel had marriedDavid Brinkley. … Well, that’s a simple mistake tomake. Of course, Billy was married to Peter Jennings… who also works at ABC News. Sorry, David….

Before we go on, SNL News, uh, would like to extendour Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter,to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to ourSnake Worshippers of Satan friends, have a nice day….

Christopher Guest: Here’s our residententertainment critic, a legend in comedy, Mr. BuddyYoung, Jr. [Buddy’s cheesy nightclub theme plays,cheers and applause which Buddy encourages – he is acigar-wielding, middle-aged Jewish insult comic in anugly pink and purple tuxedo who talks into a bulkysilver hand microphone]

Buddy Young, Jr.: I tell ya, these movietheaters are nuts! They get me nuts! It’s not like theold days, you go to the neighborhood theater. They gotall these theaters in one, now — they got a duplex, atriplex, a multiplex! And they’re filthy, am I right?!I got a herpes simplex in a quadruplex once! [rimshot] Get out of here! …

I tell ya, it’s nuts. And the food! Ah, the food inthese theaters is nuts. Used to be you get a bag o’popcorn and a Coke — thirty-five cents. Now, thepopcorn comes in a hatbox! … And the sodacomes in ONE size — it’s called TUB O’ COKE!… I tell ya, it’s too nuts, folks, it’s too wild outthere. And the kid who serves it! I mean, he’s apunker, you know? Now you get GREEN hair in yourpopcorn! [rim shot] …

It’s too wild, I’ll tell ya. And these music videosare nuts, too, I’ll tell ya that right now. That seguecost me twelve-fifty. I tell ya, they’re nuts! When Iwas a kid, a song was a song and that was it — am Iright, ladies and gentlemen? What the hell’shappening? Now a movie is a song, a song is a movie.They make no sense, these videos. A guy singin’ aballad — somebody else is putting a midget in ablender! … [glares at the crowd] What is this –the Hinckley jury? … Five, six, seven, I tell ya,it’s nuts! … It’s wild. You can rent movies anyplacenow on cassettes, they got ’em everyplace, they got’em everywhere, I tell ya, it’s crazy. Supermarkets,dry cleaners. My wife comes home from the gynecologist– she says to me, “Honey, I got cystitis andAmadeus!” … I said, “Is it serious?” Shesays, “Parts of it, but the music isbeautiful!” [rim shot] … I tell ya that now,it’s just — [scattered applause] — crawlin’ up myback!

[rises from desk and heads for the audience] I tellya, you know, it gets me nuts! It gets me nuts. [toCraig, a mustachioed, curly-haired man in the frontrow] How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Could ya stand upjust for a second? I love to mingle. [inspects atattoo on Craig’s arm] Hey, what is this? Look atthis. This rub off? You get this from Cheerios orsomething? … This guy’s a biker, he’s gonna stomp myhead to get my face started. I tell ya, it’s the –[Craig playfully reaches for Buddy’s face] Hey. Don’tget cute, all right? … What is this — the SantanaLook-alike Club meeting? … What’s your name,babe?

Craig: Craig.

Buddy Young, Jr.: That’s right. Where yafrom?

Craig: Uniondale.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Uniondale? Where’sthat?

Craig: It’s on Long Island.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Big deal! Sit down! …[Craig sits, Buddy moves to another front row victim]Can I talk to you for a second? You mind standin’ up?[a man who appears to be either very tired or on drugsrises] You okay?

Man: Yeah.

Buddy Young, Jr.: You sure?

Man: Yeah.

Buddy Young, Jr.: It’ll kick in any minute.It’s called– … [scattered applause] No, I kid. Ikid this man. Manson’s stuntman … we have here,sitting here. Let me ask you this, babe. Where youfrom?

Man: [quietly] New Rochelle.

Buddy Young, Jr.: New Rochelle? Try to speakup. It’s called “English,” okay? … Nah, it’s apleasure to have you here, no kiddin’. [shakes theman’s hand] Right? [the man sits, Buddy moves on toanother victim, a young clean-cut guy] Oh, I know thisguy. How ya doin’, babe? How are ya? Jimmy Olsen!Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Olsen. … [slaps theboy’s cheeks playfully] Get out o’ here, you’re a wiseguy. [to the much older gentleman sitting in the nextseat] Would you mind standin’ up, please, just for asecond? Tell everybody–

[Loud, joyous cheers and applause for elderly,bespectacled character actor Calvert DeForest, betterknown as Larry “Bud” Melman, a popular regular onNBC’s “Late Night with David Letterman” — someoneyells, “Larry ‘Bud’!”]

Buddy Young, Jr.: What’s your name, babe? Anddon’t tell me “Perry White” ’cause I’ll, uh, leave alog here. What’s your name?

Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.

Buddy Young, Jr.: What is it?

Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? You know what I’msaying to you? … Calvert, people know you, they seemto know you. What’s your real–? People know yourdifferent name?

Calvert DeForest: Yeah. Larry “Bud” Melman.[more cheers and applause]

Buddy Young, Jr.: What do you do,Larry?

Calvert DeForest: [giggles uncontrollably] …Work on the David Letterman–

Buddy Young, Jr.: Try to cheer up, will ya,please, Larry? … [Buddy has his arm around DeForestwho is inching away from him] What are you pullingaway from me–? I’m clean. I took a shower. … Youknow what I’m saying? Oh, it’s wild. That herpes,it’ll get you nuts, I’ll tell ya that. [DeForestcracks up at this] … You’re a good sport, babe. Youready the play the game?

Calvert DeForest: [has no clue but is open toanything] Of course! [laughs, realizing there is nogame to play] …

Buddy Young, Jr.: I faked you, you faked me, weended up here. Let me ask you this.

Calvert DeForest: What?

Buddy Young, Jr.: How are things goin’? What,are you workin’ or what?

Calvert DeForest: Uhhhh. Yeah.

Buddy Young, Jr.: You had to think about it?What, you’re up late, huh?

Calvert DeForest: [laughing] Yeah! … For achange.

Buddy Young, Jr.: I love this man. I love -this – man. You still seeing Vicki Carr?

Calvert DeForest: Yes. …

Buddy Young, Jr.: Oh, that’s good. Good luck toboth of you.

Calvert DeForest: Thank you.

Buddy Young, Jr.: You know what I’m sayin’?You’re a lovely guy. This is a great man! [applause]This is a great man! Larry “Bud”! [returns to the deskand sits] No, but we need– And he proves the pointthat what we need is love today. [to the crowd in thebalcony] You got love up there? You got love? [cheersand applause] We got love! They got love. Back to you,Chris. Get out of here. [drops the mike]

Christopher Guest: Thank you very much. That’sall the news. Thank you very much.

[More cheers and applause. Buddy’s theme plays. Buddyand Chris converse. Buddy waves dismissively at thecrowd. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alex Karras: 02/02/85


Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

February 2nd, 1985

Alex Karras

Tina Turner

None

Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

  • Prince & Hulk Hogan

  • Alex Karras’s Monologue

  • Ed Grimley

    Recurring Characters: Ed Grimley.

  • Time Magazine

    (Repeat) See: 02/26/84

  • A Couple Of White Guys Rap

  • Kelly Cola

  • Tina Turner performs “What’s Love Got To Do With It”

  • Power From Giving

  • New York On Five Dollars A Day

    Recurring Characters: Bernard Goetz.

  • Walter Mondale in Minnesota

    Recurring Characters: Walter Mondale.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Robert Latta, Nathan Thurm.

  • Tina Turner performs “Better Be Good To Me”

  • The Auctioneer

  • Tina Turner performs “Private Dancer”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Steven Wright Stand-Up

    Steven Wright Stand-Up

    … Christopher Reeve
    … Steven Wright


    Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend ofSaturday Night Live, Steven Wright!

    [Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearlycatatonic stand-up comic with the frizzyhair.]

    Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks….

    I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards…. I got a full house and four people died….

    I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, butI only need them when I read so I got flip-ups….

    I have a map of the United States, it’s actual size…. It says, “One mile equals one mile.” …

    I spent the day watching live animation. … Later, Iwas arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli….

    I was once walking through the forest alone and a treefell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it….

    I’m planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album thatteaches you the language — you put the album on, youput headphones on, you learn the language while you’resleeping. During the night, the record skipped. … Igot up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish…. When I go, I’m flying. I’m flying Air Bizarre.It’s a good airline, you buy a combination one-wayround-trip ticket. … You leave any Monday and theybring you back the previous Friday. … That way, youstill have the weekend. …

    Sometimes, you can’t hear what I’m sayin’, it’s ’causesometimes I’m in parentheses. …

    Every once in a while I like to stick my head out mywindow, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellitepicture. …

    I went to the hardware store and bought some usedpaint. … It was in the shape of a house. … I alsobought some batteries, but they weren’t included. …So I had to buy ’em again. …

    It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got ahumidifier and a dehumidifier. … I put ’em in thesame room and let ’em fight it out. … [cheers andapplause — after a slight pause, Wright says, witheven less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. …

    There’s a pizza place near where I live that onlysells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin’ upa triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]…

    I went to a museum where they had all the heads andarms from the statues that are in all the othermuseums. … I had trouble goin’ home from there’cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I cameback, the entire area was gone. … For a while, Ididn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. But I hadnowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to itand leave it runnin’. …

    When I was baby, I kept a diary. … Recently, I wasrereading it. It said, “Day One: Still tired from themove.” … “Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m anidiot.” …

    I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focuson purpose. … So, when the police stop me, they go–[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at thelicense, then handing it back to the driver] Here, youcan go. … One time, they stopped me for speeding andthey said, “Don’t you know the speed limit isfifty-five miles an hour?” I said, “Yeah, I know. ButI wasn’t gonna be out that long.” …

    [Applause]

    Thank you.

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Harry Anderson: 02/09/85


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 9th, 1985

    Harry Anderson

    Bryan Adams

    Bud Harrelson

    Waylon Jennings

    Johnny Cash

    Christopher Reeve

    Carol Burnett

    Bryan Adams, “Run to You”

  • Congressional Address

    Recurring Characters: Robert Latta.

  • Harry Anderson’s Monologue

  • Kate & Ali

    Recurring Characters: Katherine Hepburn, Mohammed Ali.

  • Mets Fantasy Camp

    Recurring Characters: Al Minkman, Lou Minkman.

  • Dueling Magi

    Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.

  • 20 Minutes Late

  • Ronald Reagan Jeans

  • Ricky & Phil

    Recurring Characters: Ricky, Phil.

  • Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Recurring Characters: Buddy Young, Jr.

  • Bryan Adams performs “Somebody”

  • Salem Court

  • Harry Anderson Magic

  • Aunt Helen Ruins Solo

  • Bryan Adams performs “Run to You”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Salem Court


    Salem Court

    Bailiff…..Rich Hall
    Judge…..Harry Anderson
    Larry Grodner…..Martin Short
    Edward Abbey Manning…..Gary Kroeger
    Counsel…..Jim Belushi
    Mistress Cartwright…..Pamela Stephenson


    Bailiff: Here ye, here ye! The court of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, village of Salem is now in session. By the grace of God and our Lord, William III, all rise.

    [ Judge enters and takes his seat at his bench ]

    Judge: Be seated! [ slams gavel ] Edward Abbey Manning, you stand accused before the eyes of the Almighty. Who speaks for thee?

    Larry Grodner: [ runs in late ] Uh, I do, your Honor! Uh.. Larry Grodner, 7th Hall Defender’s Office. Your Honor, can I have five minutes with my client?

    Judge: So shall it be!

    Larry Grodner: Thank you! Sorry I’m late. [ sits next to Edward ] Okay, what have we got here? Okay.. speeding in the ox cart? No. Pouching deer? I could get you off with a warning. Ah! Consorting with the Devil, copulating with demons, and using the blood of Christian children in a pagan ritual. See that.. that.. that’s gonna be a problem.. Let me level with you.. Ed? It’s Ed? This court is very tough on witches.

    Edward Abbey Manning: But I be no witch. I am but a simple cobbler, enstranged to these parts.

    Larry Grodner: Just do what I say, alright? I think I can get them to knock down the charge to simple possession. Okay? You’ll just get maybe a lecture and a stoning – that’s it!

    Edward Abbey Manning: Stoning? But I’ll be just as dead!

    Larry Grodner: [ laughing ] Hey, I’m not the one who copulated with the Devil, am I?

    Edward Abbey Manning: But I implore you to believe me. I am not a witch.

    Larry Grodner: Right, right.. you’re not a witch. No one’s ever a witch. I mean, according to my clients, there have never been any witches. Crops just die all by themselves! The moon just decides to pass in front of the sun, you know, every once in a while! Look, Ed, I’m gonna try like hell to get you off. But don’t you ever lie to me! Okay? Your Honor, we’re ready to proceed.

    Judge: Counsel, would you present the evidence, arguments and proof of the case for the Commonwealth?

    Counsel: [ stands as a dramatic pause, then points angrily at Edward Abbey Manning ] WIIIIIITCH!!! [ takes his seat ]

    Judge: Very well. Edward Abbey Manning, I find you are –

    Larry Grodner: Objection, your Honor! Isn’t Counsel going to produce at least some evidence?!

    Judge: Brother Grodner, must I admonish you once again about needlessly prolonging these trials? But very well, Brother. Let the Commonwealth produce a witness.

    Counsel: So be it. I call before the eyes of God! Mistress Cartwright!

    [ pregnant Mistress Cartwright, with Scarlet Letter “A” on chest, enters the court ]

    Mistress Cartwright: [ points at Edward ] He’s the one! He beguiled me with evil charms, and led me to boil sins of the flesh! He pumped me with the evil seed that made me great with Satan’s child!

    Counsel: Your witness?

    [ Mistress Cartwright takes a seat at the stand ]

    Larry Grodner: Mistress Cartwright, how exactly did thou meet my client?

    Mistress Cartwright: He came to me in the form of a goat.

    Larry Grodner: Ah. [ walks over to Edward ] Has thou ever taken the form of a goat?

    Edward Abbey Manning: No!

    Larry Grodner: I think I’ve got it. [ returns to the stand ] Mistress Cartwright, let me ask you something: Can we just assume that you simply allowed this goat to impregnate you?

    Mistress Cartwright: No, he beguiled me! [ backtracking ] Well, he.. he.. he took me to a restaurant first.

    Larry Grodner: But if he took you to the restaurant as a goat, how do you know it was my client?

    Mistress Cartwright: The reservations were in his name!

    Larry Grodner: Inadmissable, your Honor! That’s heresay!

    Judge: There will be no pig latin in this court!

    Mistress Cartwright: [ stands, angry ] If this witch did not get me with child, then.. then, who did!!

    [ everyone in the courtroom coughs and points to Edward ]

    Crowd: Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

    Larry Grodner: Your Honor, if I could just be Devil’s Advocate for one second.. [ everyone groans ] Let me just rephrase that for one moment..

    Edward Abbey Manning: Though sealeth my doom! Is there no test by which you could prove that I speak the truth?

    Larry Grodner: [ thinking ] Ah, well, let me just throw ths question out to you: How long do you think you can hold your breath under water, with, like, very heavy stones on your chest?

    Edward Abbey Manning: Two, perhaps, three minutes.

    Larry Grodner: No, anything less than a week, and they’ll just laugh us out of court! There’s got to be.. ah, yes! Yes! We’ve got one other last straw, we’re gonna use it! Calm down. Your Honor, I would like to call to the stand.. Edward Manning!

    [ Edward takes the stand ]

    Bailiff: Place your hand on the Holy Scripture and prepare to recite the oath, please.

    [ Edward places his hand on the Bible, which causes it to begin dispensing smoke, as Edward rattles off in demonic verse ]

    Larry Grodner: [ stuck ] Your Honor, we.. we.. we’d like to change our plea!

    [ Edward extends his hand, firing lightning upon Grodner’s papers ]

    Larry Grodner: Unless you have a problem with that! THen we could certainly move for dismissal!

    Judge: Granted on all counts! Case forgotten! [ bangs gavel and flees from courtroom ]

    Larry Grodner: Yes!

    [ close ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Kate & Ali


    Kate & Ali

    Kate…..Martin Short
    Ali…..Billy Crystal


    Announcer: Monday at 9, watch America’s favorite roommates celebrate Valentine’s Day in a special 3-hour presentation of “Kate & Ali”.

    [ dissolve to Katherine Hepburn helping Muhammed Ali with his tie ]

    Kate: Oh, Ali, you hold still, or I’ll never get the knot in this tie the way you claim you want it!

    Ali: Don’t tell me what to do, Kate. I am still the greatest of all time! I’m just a little nervous, this is my first date since my divorce come through, and it scares me more than Joe Frazier!

    Kate: Oh, listen to me, Mr.! You’ve got to stand tall in that saddle and look fear in the eye, and say, “To hell with you!” My father always taught me..

    Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father no more, Kate! I’m sick of hearing about your father. Oh, my father loved birds, my father had a zest for living, my father

    Kate: Oh, and what about you?! Oh, Sonny Lester was a big ugly bear, Floyd Harris was a rabbit, and, oh, I’m so pretty, as if anyone the hell cares about that!

    Ali: Kate, you are driving me.. crazy!

    Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

    [ they shake their fists at one another ]

    Announcer: Yes, it’s the “Kate & Ali” Valentine’s Day special. But watch what happens when a three-time heavyweight champion is stung by Cupid’s arrow, leaving a four-time Oscar winner out in the cold.

    Kate: [ playing “Jane B.” ] ..How sad I am.. to find myself all alone on Valentine’s Day.. with no beau to call my own.. oh, despair is my companion.. why should I not weep..?

    Ali: [ re-enters room, surprising Kate ] You sure do play nice, Kate.

    Kate: Oh, Ali, why are you home so early?!

    Ali: Oh, Kate, I had a terrible time. The party was boring, people talk about stupid stuff.. I miss you, Kate, you’re my best friend.. here, I brought you some roses. [ hands her the roses ]

    Kate: [ sneezes, blowing the roses across the room ] Ali! Roses! You know I’m allergic to roses, as was my father.. and his father before..!

    Ali: I don’t want to hear about your father on more, Kate!

    Kate: Oh, you-ou-ou…

    Announcer: Yes, it’s three full hours of Kate & Ali’s Valentine’s Day special. Filling up yourt hearts with love and laughter, but you’d better leave room for a few surprises.

    [ dissolve to Kate and Ali sitting up in bed together ]

    Kate: Ali.. now that you and I have both experienced each other’s mutual joy, and the very essence of our being, can we still continue our friendship as if nothing has happened at all?

    Ali: Kate.. I loves your hair and I like your smile, but you an ugly old white woman, so I won’t be back for a while!

    Announcer: “Kate & Ali”‘s three-hour Valentine’s special. Monday at 9, 8 Central.

    Kate: Be there!

    Ali: Let’s all be there! [ sneers ]

    Kate: Oh-h-h-h-h!!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Harry Anderson’s Monologue


    Harry Anderson’s Monologue

    …..Harry Anderson


    Harry Anderson: I can’t believe this! This is my eighth appearance on “Saturday Night Live”. In fact, I really got my start on this show, and, tonight, here right on old “SNL”, I’m gonna make my new start. This is too much.

    I’ll explain. You all remember the old Harry Andersom. He’s the guy that used to come on this show and he’d run a needle through his arm, or he’d beat on his wife, or he’d drop his pants to show his comedy underwear. Well, I’m here tonight to tell you that Harry Anderson doesn’t do that stuff any more. Nope. That was Harry the Hat, Harry the Con, Harry the Geek.

    Now.. I’m Harry the Judge. And life is different on Thursdays at 9:30, 8:30 Central. It’s all different for me now. I got my house in Beverly Hills, I got my condo in Palm Springs, I got my sleek exotic cars, the lawyers who tried to lock me up I got ’em on retainer now, I even got my face on the covers of national magazines. It’s all different. It’s not like the old days. The old Harry, he’d see someone like.. like you! And he’d say something like, “Hey, nice outfit – what, they had a one-cent sale at the mortuary?” But I don’t do that any more. No more: “Who picked the tie – Ray Charles?” That was the old Harry.. but he’s gone.

    Tonight, I want to introduce you to the new me. No more scams, no more angles, just good, clean fun. Harry Anderson, family entertainer.. [ pulls out a guinea pig in a cage ] ..and his pal, Skippy. This is Skippy, he’s a guinea pig, he’s my best friend. What’s that, Skippy? [ puts his ear to the cage ] He’s says hi, everybody, isn’t he cute! And wait ’til you see what he does, guys! Come on out, Skip, come on out, they’re waiting for you!

    [ dumps Skippy out of the cage ]

    He loves it when I do that, he’s such a good sport! And he does impressions, look at this – James Cagney: [ squeezes Skippy ] “You dirty rat! You ate my brother’s cheese!” I was just kidding, that was really me! He doesn’t do impressions, Skippy does acrobatic tricks, right, Skip? [ props Skippy on the stool and demonstrates ] Sit! [ Skippy doesn’t move ] Good boy! Good boy! He’s a little nervous, we gotta start him with something simple. Roll over, Skip. Roll over. Come on, boy, how about a backflip. Oh, well, maybe live TV is a little more pressure than I thought on the poor guy.. uh, we’ll start off with something he could do with his little pink eyes shut. This is his favorite. [ holds up tiny hoop ] Skip, the jump through the hoop. Come on, this is live! Okay, jump through the hoop! Can I have a drumroll, please? Come on, boy, like you did at rehearsal, come on! One big jump, Skippy! [ stops ] Ah, forget it! Skip? Skip, I don’t understand, what’s the problem? Oh. He says he can’t work with a Caucasian drummer. Well, Skip, I’m sorry, that’s no excuse boy. You know the rules. New Harry or no, you know the rules – you don’t work, you don’t live.

    [ Harry stuffs Skippy into his mouth ] [ mumbling ] We’ll be right back..

    SNL Transcripts

    Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

    … Christopher Guest
    Caspar Weinberger … Rich Hall
    Buddy Young, Jr. … Billy Crystal
    … Waylon Jennings
    … Johnny Cash
    … Christopher Reeve


    [Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnalNew York City skyline.]

    Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News withanchorperson Christopher Guest.

    [Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and wepan over to a squinting Chris Guest, in suit and tieand seated at the news desk — his hair a wet,disheveled mess because it had to be washed after heplayed the oily-haired Phil in the previoussketch.]

    Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, DonPardo. Our top story tonight:

    An SNL News weather advisory. The temperature here inNew York is a warm eighty-two degrees with thehumidity a comfortable fifty-four. However, the windis from the north at two hundred and sixty-five milesan hour … which, of course, is creating a wind chillfactor of ninety-one degrees below zero. … So bundleup — but take your sunglasses. …

    Even though it has undergone extensive criticism forwaste, fraud and cost overruns, the Defense Departmentis asking for a record 285 billion dollars for 1986.With a response to this criticism, we have DefenseSecretary Caspar Weinberger standing by at thePentagon. [Chris turns to Weinberger who appears onthe screen behind him] Mr. Weinberger, what do youhave to say to the nation’s rising tide of resentmentagainst military spending?

    Caspar Weinberger: [shakes his head sadly]Bounces right off of me, Chris. I’m not gonna backdown. I want 285 billion dollars. I am intractable onthat. I’ve said over and over and over, there’snothing more important than the defense of this nationand yet every year I have to go in front of Congress,I have to fight tooth and nail to get every penny todefend this country and I’m just not gonna do it anymore. I have my dignity. I’m not gonna plead any more.I’m not gonna wheedle. I’m simply – gonna hold mybreath till I get 285 billion dollars. …

    Christopher Guest: Mr. Weinberger, perhaps youcould– [Weinberger puffs out his cheeks and holds hisbreath] … scuttle the MX program? [Weinberger shakeshis head “no”] … Maybe overhaul the bloated militarypension. [Weinberger checks his wristwatch, shakes hishead, waves dismissively at Chris’ suggestion] …What about – what about those eight hundredseventy-nine dollar claw hammers? Fine. Then just keepholding your breath, Mr. Weinberger, and we’ll checkback with you later. [Weinberger nods, Chris addressesthe camera] Secretary of Defense CasparWeinberger.

    The Bernhard Goetz saga continues to unfold with asecond victim now suing the subway sheriff forviolating his civil rights. First, the family of ahospitalized victim filed a federal court suitdemanding fifty million dollars in damages. This week,another victim was in court asking for five milliondollars – to which Goetz reportedly replied, “Sure.I’ve got five million – for each of you.” …

    [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing] Only fourmore days till Valentine’s Day so we’d like to do ourannual tribute to romance. What better place to startthan the Reagan White House. [gentle romantic musiccreeps in under the following] The Reagans areprobably the most affectionate presidential couplesince Ulysses S. Grant and his lovely wife Darlene …who reportedly recreated the burning of Atlanta in theLincoln bedroom. … [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagancuddling indoors] Ron and Nancy love to kiss inprivate. [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing asmilitary men look on] And in public. They have noshame. [Photo of Nancy Reagan kissing Frank Sinatra]At least, Nancy doesn’t. … They just go on -[another photo of Ron and Nancy kissing] and on -[another photo] and on – and on. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging former Secretary of State HenryKissinger] Even Ron needs a break now and then. …That’s his old pal Henry Kissinger. [Photo of RonaldReagan hugging someone in a giant bear costume] Andhis daughter Maureen. … [Photo of Ronald Reaganhugging someone in a giant dog costume] And his newdog Lucky. …

    Of course, affection in high places isn’t restrictedto this administration. [Photo of Jimmy Carter kissingJacqueline Kennedy] Jimmy Carter and JacquelineKennedy, the original odd couple. … [Photo ofbare-chested Prince Charles and unidentified woman]That’s Britain’s Prince Charles and — anybody. …[Photo of Cuban leader Fidel Castro embracing DanielOrtega] Fidel Castro and Nicaraguan president Ortegaat a romantic Club Med in the Caribbean. … [Photo ofthe Rev. Jesse Jackson and a smiling Palestinianleader Yasser Arafat embracing] Here’s an affectionatepair. … Eh? Actually, Reverend Jackson is a mostaffectionate person. He loves to hug. [Photo ofJackson hugging a man] And embrace. [Photo of Jacksonembracing someone] And kiss. [Photo of Jackson kissingan elderly white woman] And hug some more. [Photo ofJackson hugging an elderly black woman] And hisaffection has no religious boundaries. [Photo ofJackson with his arm around Jewish entertainer SammyDavis, Jr.] … Of course, Pope John Paul II is anaffectionate man. [A series of photos of the Popekissing various airport runways] … He loves to kissairports … no matter where he lands. … It’srumored that he’s spread mononucleosis all over theworld. … And here he is at Orly Airport in Pariswhere the question arose: did he French kiss thetarmac? … We’ll never know. Happy Valentine’s Day.[applause]

    Returning home after two years of exile in America,South Korean opposition leader Kim Dae-Jung and hisentourage were beaten, kicked, punched and shoved uponlanding at Seoul’s Kimpo International Airport. TheSouth Korean government, however, denied anywrongdoing, claiming that Kim and his group hadignored repeated orders to, quote, “Wait until theaircraft comes to a complete stop before moving itemsfrom the overhead racks.” …

    Let’s check back now with Mr. Weinberger and see ifthere are any further developments. [Weinberger,cheeks still puffed out, looks at his wristwatch withmassively bulging eyeballs that nearly pop out oftheir sockets] … Caspar? [Weinberger shakes his headand waves dismissively at Chris] Caspar, you haven’tbacked down yet I see. Fine.

    After being out of sight for several weeks, Sovietpremier Konstantin [mangles the pronunciation andkeeps trying till he gets it right] Chernenko – orKonstantin Chernenko – Chernenko – Chernenko hasfinally turned up at the Betty Ford RehabilitationCenter in Palm Springs. …

    This week, a Senate subcommittee heard arguments forand against the banning of beer ads from TV. Opponentsof the commercials say that beer ads glamorize alcoholand contribute to its abuse. [belches] … ‘Scuse me…. Personally, I disagree but we’ll have more on thatstory as details come up.

    Once again, from the Pentagon, holding his breathuntil he gets 285 billion dollars, here is CasparWeinberger. [Weinberger’s head, now an inflatedballoon with a face painted on it, abruptly collapseswith a squishy popping noise] … Well, there you haveit. Caspar Weinberger.

    Christopher Guest: Now, with a restaurantreview, our special reporter, a legend in comedy, Mr.Buddy Young, Jr.

    [Applause for Buddy, a cigar-chomping, middle-agedinsult comedian who wears an ugly maroon tuxedo. Heencourages the applause as his cheesy nightclub thememusic plays. Chris, meanwhile, is drying his hair witha towel.]

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Thank you very much, Chris.By the way, I spoke to your doctor — you diedThursday. [rolls his eyes] … Anyway, Valentine’s Dayis coming. What a stupid holiday — give candy tosomebody you love to give pimples to, you don’t wannasee ’em no more! [mild reaction from crowd, Buddyrepeats vehemently:] See ’em no more! … [mildreaction from crowd]

    Anyway, what’s more romantic than Hawaiian food?Plaster of Paris! I’ll tell ya that. At least, it’sFrench. Anyway– [zero reaction from crowd, Buddylooks annoyed] This is a rough room. … I go to the,uh– [to Chris] I spoke to the mortician — he said,”Just drop by!” [makes a face] …

    So I go to this Hawaiian joint, “Don Ho’s Blue Flame.”I walk in there — I never seen so many bad shirts inone room in my life! … The shirts are louder thanthe music. Which is okay. Have you heard Hawaiianmusic? It’s not music — sounds like a cat in heat,this stuff, I’ll tell ya that right now. [Buddybriefly mimics Hawaiian music, another weak reaction]Get out of here. [to the cue card guy] Skip the card!Then … The Hawaiian language is nuts. It’s not alanguage. What are they belching? Wukka-wukka-mukka-lukka-wukka! Mukka-lukka-wukka![more weak response from crowd, to the cue card guy] Itold you, skip the card! Then …

    This waiter, big sweaty guy, brings over the firstthing. It’s called poi! Could you eat somethingcalled poi? He comes over, he says, “Youhaven’t touched your poi.” I said, “Flush it down thepoilet!” I’ll tell ya that right now. …[crowd finally gets into it, rim shot, Buddy says todrummer:] Thank you! Where the hell–? What’d you do,come by bus? … [applause]

    You know, I’m like Woody Herman: I fly, they go bybus. Anyway– [crowd doesn’t get it] Then he brings mean appetizer. [off the obscure reference to jazzmusician Woody Herman] That’s one for the band.[continues his review] They bring an appetizer. It’scalled a puu-puu platter! … What’s appetizing aboutpuu-puu? I’ll tell ya that. I’m a grown man, I havetrouble going across a table saying, “Excuse me, can Ihave some more puu-puu?” … And the guy goes, “I’msorry, I’m still working on my poi!” … Then,they bring the main thing. Two fat kids with a flamingthing on parallel bars. I say, “What the hell is that– Mary Lou Retton?” … It’s disgusting! It’s a pig,they tell me. … They tell me it’s a pig! Folks[raises a hand to the crowd, slight pause] — I’m aJew. … The only thing I could eat was theapple. I’ll tell ya that. … And they HEATTHAT! Who the hell heats fruit?! … You knowwhat I’m talkin’ about? [points to his mouth] I got athing hangin’ here from a – from a pineapple thatburned me. It was disgusting. … I’ll tell ya, it’snuts. [to Chris who is cracking up] Try to cheer down,Chris — you got the job. …

    But let me tell ya this, folks. You like Italian food,huh? Huh? Then don’t go to this Hawaiian place! [zeroreaction, Buddy peers up at the silent balcony] What’dyou do, come from New Jersey? … What exit, babe,huh? … [rises from desk, grabs a hand mike and headsdown to the audience] I tell ya, folks, it’s wild,it’s nuts, this Hawaiian thing. It’s taken thecountry– [to a bearded man with a black cowboy hatsitting in the front row] Hello, how ya doin’? Hey, Iknow you. Jesse James, am I right? … What’s yourname, sir?

    Waylon Jennings: Waylon Jennings.

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Yeah, right. [cheers andapplause for the popular country singer who, with hishat and long hair, resembles a Hasidic Jew] So, uh,let me ask you this, Waylon — when did ya go Hasid onus here with the hat and the thing? … I tell ya,it’s too wacky. [to another man in the front row] Andyou must be, er–?

    Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash. [cheers and applausefor the legendary singer who sits next to his wifeJune Carter Cash]

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? … You know whatI’m sayin’? [fingers Johnny’s multi-coloredneckerchief] Good to see you workin’ with new colorsthese days, Johnny. … Do you believe he’s got thePortuguese flag around his throat? … Johnny, fromthe bottom of my heart — it’s over. You knowwhat I’m sayin’? … [to the crowd] No, seriously. Ikid Johnny — he’s a big star. [to Johnny] Does JackLord know you have his hair? … [Johnny really cracksup at this, the crowd cheers and applauds, Buddy putsa friendly hand on Johnny’s shoulder] How ya doin’?It’s a pleasure. I’m wild about this guy. Wild abouthim. What a night! [shakes hands with a big-haired manin the second row who appears to be country singerMarty Stuart] How ya doin’? What’d you do, sit onsomething electric when you came in? … [shakes handswith a handsome man wearing a pullover sweater in thesecond row] I know you, big guy, huh? What’s yourname?

    Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.

    Buddy Young, Jr.: Chris, right. [cheers andapplause for the actor best remembered as Superman]Yes. And I’m Sabu. … Right, Christopher Reeve.That’s really wild. [to a woman sitting next to Reeveand wearing big earrings] Look, what d’you got,kryptonite in your earrings there? … See? I’mtopical! Berle said I’m not topical! You know, thisHawaiian thing is gettin’ me nuts. [to Chris at thenews desk] You know what it is, though, Chris? What weneed is love today! We don’t– [points to the balcony]You got love up there?! [crowd responds positively]Hey, how ya doin’? We don’t have love! We need lovetoday! [Buddy, returning to his seat, nearly hits hisgroin against the news desk] Oh! Excuse me! Ho! I wasalmost Jewish again! …

    [Buddy sits] I tell ya, it’s wild. [to the front rowcelebrities] You guys are good sports. [to the crowd]But, bottom line, folks, I’ll tell ya this– Bott–Who–? [Buddy’s microphone cord has gotten caught onthe desk, he tries to pull it loose] What’d I do,catch a halibut? … I tell ya, it’s too wacky. …[glares at a gum-chewing Christopher Guest who istrying to keep a straight face] Who does your hair,Chris — a tornado? I’ll tell ya that right now, it’swild. [to the crowd] Bottom line, folks, “Don Ho’sBlue Flame” stinks! [drops the mike on the deskwith disgust] Back to you, Chris. Get out ofhere.

    [Buddy’s theme music begins. Cheers and applause asChris salutes the crowd.]

    Christopher Guest: Good night!

    [Buddy and Chris rise, stand behind the desk andconverse as we fade out.]

    Submitted Anonymously

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