Boss…..Phil Hartman Female Employee….Victoria Jackson
[ show Female Employee talking to a client on the phone, as her boss peers down at her ]
Boss: I need three copies by five o’clock. Don’t let me down now.
[ wall clock reveals the time to be 4:45 in the afternoon ]
Female Employee: Five o’clock..?
Second Employee: I hope you weren’t planning on using the copier, dear – we’re all out of toner!
Female Employee: Well, what about..
Third Employee: ..the one downstairs? The man will be here next Thursday.
Female Employee: Well, then I’ll just have to use..
Fourth Employee: ..the laser-printer? Good luck!
Third Employee: Now, what you could do is type it up here, stick it in the fax machine, fax it to Houston, they fax it to Chicago, then they both fax it back here – then, you’ve got three copies!
Second Employee: But what about resolution?
Fourth Employee: Doesn’t matter, she’ll never make it!
Female Employee: I need a miracle..
[ suddenly, the skies light up around her, as a piece of carbon paper floats down from the heavens ]
Carbon paper!
[ the clock now reads five o’clock ]
[ Female Employee hands the three carbon copies to the Boss ]
Female Employee: Here they are, sir!
Boss: Well, they don’t look so hot.. but you did beat the deadline! Nice work!
[ Female Employee wipes the sweat from her brow, leaving a carbon stain on her forehead ]
Announcer: Come back… to carbon paper. Please? We’re dying out here.
Bill…..Phil Hartman Bob…..John Larroquette Jackie…..Victoria Jackson Cheryl…..Nora Dunn Patron…..Tom Davis Patron…..Andy Murphy
[ open on Bill and Bob sitting at a table for four at a classy restaurant ]
Bill: I think when the girls get back from the powder room, we’d better order.
Bob: Yes, yes. Listen, I’m really sorry Jackie and I were so late.
Bill: Oh, no problem. It’s just that Cheryl and I thought something might have happened with the car.
Bob: Ah, it’s not what happened with the car, it’s what happened in the car!
Bill: I’m sorry?
Bob: Well, I don’t know what Cheryl likes doing in the car, but Jackie really gets off on the danger! [ laughs ]
Bill: Good for you.
Jackie: Hi, fellas! We were just having a little girl talk. What were you guys chatting about?
Bill: Uh.. about what we should order.
Bob: Well, actually, we were just talking about why we were late!
Jackie: Oh, well, so were we!
Bob: Well, you see, what happened was, as I was getting in the car, Jackie got a shot of my derriere, and, well, she just couldn’t help yourself!
Jackie: Me? I think someone got it backwards.
Bob: Well, I believe somebody did get it backward! [ laughs ]
Bill: Yes. Maybe we should just order.
Cheryl: Yes, I think I’m getting the Caeser salad and a blackened redfish.
Bill: I’m going with the scampi.
Jackie: Mmm.. sex makes me so hungry!
Bill: B-b-but, I can’t believe you were able to get four house seats to “Phantom of the Opera”.
Bob: Yeah, I got them from Ned Cheney, you know he handles all the pulic relations for the Shuman Theaters.
Cheryl: That’s a handy person to know.
Bob: We stayed at his summer house in East Hampton last year.
Cheryl: Oh, how lovely.
Bob: Yeah, it’s funny, though, we almost turned down the invite. We can’t stay in the same house with another couple.
Jackie: We like to walk around in the nude.
Bob: And we’re very loud, if you know what I mean! You know what, but it turned out he had a guest house.
Jackie: And a swimming pool! Oh, first day we were there –
Bob: This is a funny story! [ laughs ]
Jackie: First day we’re there, wee’re making it in the pool –
Bob: We turned around, and one of his kids is watching us.
Jackie: Now, this little boy is about four years old, and he thinks Bob is huirting me bvecaus –
Bob: Because Jackie’s moaning so loud!
Jackie: [ laughing ] Anyway.. the whole weekend, the little boy followed me around trying to protect me from Bob. Isn’t that cute?
Cheryl: Bill and I broke a bed once.
Bill: [ laughs uncomfortably ]
Bob: A bed, huh? Last week, we broke a sink!
Jackie: Hell! I broke a bed once masturbating!
Bob: Of course, I was watching!
Cheryl: Excuse me, I’m very happy that the two of you share an active sex life –
Bill: Honey..
Cheryl: No, no, I have something to say. Bill and I also have a very full sexual relationship. We make love with great frequency, and, I daresay, with a fair amount of variation, more so than you might imagine.
Bill: Honey, I think that –
Cheryl: Bill! But we do not feel the need to share Bill’s prowess or my voice level with business associates or the general public at large!
Bob: I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right. You see.. Jackie and I have been having a lot of.. problems.. lately. In fact, we’ve been, um.. seeing a couples therapist. He seems to think that we both have a great.. deal of difficulty with.. intimacy.
Jackie: It seems that the only way we’re capable of expressing intimacy is through sex..
Cheryl: You don’t have to explain.. I’m very sorry.
Bob: You see, we both grew up in homes where there was very ltitle.. display of affection, if any. Well, mine more than yours, really, though..
Jackie: [ breaks into tears, runs to the bathroom ]
Cheryl: Oh, God, I’m sorry.. I’m gonna go apologize to her right away..
Bob: No, no, no, that’s alright, I’d better go talk to her.
Cheryl: I feel really stupid.
Bill: Well, honey, you said what you felt. I hope she’s okay. Do you think we’re going to go to the show?
Cheryl: Well, I guess that’s not really that important now.
Bill: I guess not.
Waiter: Would you care to order now?
Cheryl: I think we should wait..
Bill: Yes. We’re going to..
[ suddenly, we hear Bob and Jackie making sexual sounds from the bathroom ]
Bill: [ uncomfortable ] W-w-w-waiter! Waiter! The two of us!
Aide…..Jan Hooks Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz Mr. Krog…..Dana Carvey Mr. Zarko…..Phil Hartman Queen Phonobia…..Nora Dunn Lloyd Bentsen…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on interior, Dukakis Headquarters ]
Aide: I don’t want to beat it into the ground, but there’s only two weeks left. You’ve got to start showing some compassion.
Michael Dukakis: Uh-huh.
Aide: Now, the issues are on our side, but poll after poll shows that people find you cold, unemotional, cerebral, unfeeling, robot-like, aloof, icy, emotionally dead, wooden, uh.. no fun, uninspiring, uh.. [ now shown leafing through a thesaurus ] ..dull as dishwasher..
Michael Dukakis: Uh, thank you, Susan.. thank you.. I think. You make quite a compelling case, to show more emotions in the campaign, and, clearly, that’s what we need to do. Now, uh, if you don’t mind, I need a few minutes alone.
Aide: Well, okay, but Senator Bentsen is waiting.
Michael Dukakis: Look, tell Lloyd that I need just a few minutes.
Aide: Alright. [ exits office ]
[ Dukakis stands, and tears off his business suit to reveal spacesuit underneath. He removes painting on wall to reveal a secret video monitor to an alternate world in outer space ]
Michael Dukakis: Earth to Imperial Galactic Command. Earth to Imperial Galactic Command. Please acknowledge.
Mr. Krog: Intergalactic Command acknowledges your signal. All of us on the planet Curlos, uh.. myself, Mr. Zarko, Warrior Queen Phenobia, wait with great eagerness a report of your mission.
Michael Dukakis: Well, uh, to be frank, Mr. Krog, my plan for the bloodless conquest of Earth has hit a snag. It’s hit a snag. In the last two months, my popularity with the unsuspecting Earth creatures has dipped. And, even if I win the Popular Vote, I could still lose the Electoral College.
Mr. Zarko: Uh, excuse me? Popular Vote? Electoral College? I don’t know what that means. I do know that Queen Phenobia had a plan to conquer Earth. A good plan, a plan with death rays, with battle stars, with zylon clouds.. and you oppose that plan. You assured us that you could conquer this planet from within, and turn these emotional, irrational Earth creatures.. into willing slaves.
Michael Dukakis: Well, uh.. Mr. Zarko can ridicule my plans, if he’d like. But the fact is, the Earth creatures can be enslaved. I know – I did it in Massachuesetts. Quietly, without publicity, and I turned the economy of that state around. [ a knock at the door ] Uh.. who is it?
Lloyd Bentsen: Mike! It’s me, Lloyd!
Michael Dukakis: Uh, Lloyd, I need.. I need just a few minutes.
[ Bentsen enters, and is immediately zapped into vapor by Dukakis ]
Michael Dukakis: Well.. the vaporization of Senator Bentsen will clearly need an explanation. It’s crucial at this point that I concentrate.. but suddenly I’m seized with a strange sense of.. panic.. I panicked. But at the risk of running a human emotion, all I can think of to say is.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Bob: Hi, and welcome again to the “Gay Communist Gun Club”, the organization dedicated to gayness..
John: ..Communism..
Bob: ..and guns. Let’s get right to our first caller.
Caller #1: Uh.. I’m gay.. and I’m pretty liberal.. but I hate guns. Could I join the club?
Bob: No, I’m afraid not. You see, while we certainly support your gayness, without Communism..
John: ..and guns..
Bob: ..it’s pretty meaningless. Next call, please.
Caller #2: Yeah, I love guns.. but I ain’t no Commie, and I certainly ain’t no homosexual. Could I join?
Bob: Sorry, no. We’d love to talk guns with you, but unless you took the next logical step of becoming gay and Communist, I don’t see much chance. Do you?
John: No, not really. Next caller, please.
Caller #3: Uh, yeah.. I don’t like guns, and I’m not gay.. but I’m just an ardent, ardent Communist. Could I be an associate member, or something?
Together: No-o-o-o!
Bob: You see, Communism without homosexuality is like.. I don’t know.. a May Day parade without a feather boa.
John: Exactly. Next caller!
Caller #4: I have a two-part question – with a 12-gauge, do you prefer the Winchester or the Mossburg.. and, uh.. secondly, are you two lovers?
John: Personally, I like the Mossburg, it’s a little heavier, has less recoil.. and, we aren’t lovers, but we have had sex on regular occasions. Wouldn’t you say, Bob?
Bob: Wellllll.. actually, I’m starting to lean toward the Winchester.
John: Next caller, please.
Caller #5: Yes. Was Marx gay?
John: Uh, I don’t think so. I believe he was married with children.
Bob: But, so are you!
John: [ laughs ] That’s true!
Bob: You’re on the air.
Caller #6: Why shouldn’t I just join the National Rifle Association, or the National Gay Alliance?
John: Well.. the NRA has certainly supported pro-gun legislation, but if you look at their record at promoting Communism or gayness, it’s actually not that good.
Bob: And, I could be wrong on this – the National Gay Alliance has yet to sponsor one bare butt safari.
Caller #7: Yes, I’m gay, I’m Communist, I love guns, and I’m a staunch feminist,. Could I join?
John: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Lady, you’re all over the place! I think you should focus in on what you believe in, and then call us back. Wouldn’t you agree?
Bob: Absolutely. Take us. We just believe in gayness..
John: ..Communism..
Bob: ..and guns. And that’s it. Now, it’s time for what I think everyone’s been waiting for – our endorsement for President of the United States.
John: It was a tough choice, but we have decided to endorse.. George Bush.
Bob: Although he doesn’t support all our positions, we feel that two out of three wasn’t bad.
John: So, join us next week on the “Gay Communist Gun Club”, when we’ll be taking flowers from our communal garden, making different flower arrangements, and then blasting them apart with shotguns!
Bob: And don’t forget to call in, we’re always looking for new members, members who are gay..
John: ..Communist..
Bob: ..and love guns.
John: And remember – there is no god, but we think if there was, he’d be a gun-loving homosexual.
[ audience applauds wildly as Larroquette enters Home Base ]
John Larroquette: [ relishes his applause ] Yes.. yes, don’t hold back! Let it all out!
[ audience applauds louder ]
Feels good, doesn’t it? God, it’s great to be back! Center Stage on “Saturday Night Live”. I love doing this show! I love the sketches, I love working with the cast.. but all of that pales to this moment – me.. alone.. Center Stage.. with millions of adoring eyes fixed on John Larroquette!
[ audience applauds louder ]
That’s right! Feed me! Build me up! I am at the center! This is where I belong!
A year and a half ago, I hosted this show, and I tasted the sweetness of this moment. But, then.. [ kneels ] I had to let it go. Week after week, a pathetic parade of pretenders stood up here and tried to fill my shoes. And I could only watch. How painful was my exile. [ stands ] But now I am back in full glory! All energies converge and fix upon me! This is my spot.
So. Who thinks they’re man enough to take it away from me, huh? Come on! You’re all envious. You’re out there – who has the guts to steal my limelight? I mean, there must be somebody! How about you, Tourist? Huh? This is your moment., Seize it. You could tell all your friends back in Tourist Town that you bested Larroquette. [ laughs ] Not man enough, huh?
Oh, and what have we here, a college boy. Hmm. I won’t even ask you, you’re too busy hiding in your ivory tower, right? [ College Boy grows angry ] Yes? go ahead, take your best shot! Come on, come on, come on!
[ the College Boy rushes toward Larroquette, but is quickly tossed aside and disposed of ]
What was that, did a breeze brush my cheek? None of you are fit to challenge me, I am far too powerful! [ laughs maniacally ]
Dana Carvey: John, John? I’m sorry, I think the spotlight is, you know, going to your head a little bit. Come on, let’s get out of here, alright? [ John grabs Dana’s hands and squeezes tightly ] John..! John.! Come on..!
John Larroquette: What is my name?!
Dana Carvey: John Larroquette!
John Larroquette: Who am I?!
Dana Carvey: You’re the host of this show! [ John squeezes harder ] King of the Studio!
John Larroquette: [ releases Dana ] That’s right! And we have got a show worthy of me! Randy Newman is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back!
[ open on Vernon Hawley, Jr. sitting atop a stool with a guitar in his hands ]
[ SUPER: “Monday Night!” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ] “Monday night, Monday night is always party night around meeeee!”
[ SUPER: “Poor Me” ]
“Poor me.. poor me.. pour me another drink.”
Announcer: Finally, in one record collection, the up and down career of one of country’s best-loved and most unpredicatable supersatars – Vernon Haeley, Jr.
[ SUPER: “The Drivin’ Song” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ] “Scotch is for the highway, and rye for dirt roads!”
[ SUPER: “Prison Bars” ]
“Prison bars don’t serve liquor, and it’s always closing time in jail.”
[ SUPER: “Wednesday Night!” ]
“Wednesday night, Wednesday night, don’t tell me everything ain’t alright!”
[ SUPER: “Dear Son” ]
“Dear Son: I’m sorry, I let you down.. again.”
Announcer: Ride the emotional roller coaster of Vernon’s life with..
[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ]
“I lost every friend that I’ve ever had, except Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad, and me.”
[ SUPER: “Jack Daniels, Ol’ Granddad, And Me (Again)” ]
“Jack Daniels, ol’ Granddad and me, we’re as happy as we could ever be!”
Announcer: And, of course, Vernon’s biggest hit..
[ SUPER: “I’m Drunk” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ] “I’m drunk, just like you thunk, drunk as a skunk, that’s right I’m drunk.”
Announcer: Those who have been lucky enough to hear him in concert, on those occasions when he showed up, know the magic of Vernon Hawley, Jr.
[ SUPER: “Dear Son (Again)” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ] “Dear Son: I stood and watched you in the school yard, and I feel so ashamed.”
[ SUPER: “Fifty Dollar Bill” ]
“Whoa! I just found a $50 bill! Babe, you and me can drink our fill!”
[ SUPER: “Facedown At Christmas (Again)” ]
“Facedown at Christmas.. again.”
Announcer: All the peaks and valleys, the highs and lows, of one of country’s most enduring, yet erratic, superstars.
[ SUPER: “One Day At A Time” ]
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: [ singing ] “One day at a time, I’m grateful to be sober..”
[ SUPER: “Off The Wagon” ]
“Off the wagon, on the warpath; look out, here comes Vernon again!”
Announcer: Until now, it was impossible to put together this three-record set of Vernon Hawley, Jr.’s greatest hits, because we couldn’t find him, But, finally, you can experience the effegies and naders of one of most precurial stars, by sending $19.95 to: The Crests and Troughs of Vernon Hawley, Jr., Lynchburg, Tennessee.
Vernon Hawley, Jr.: I hope you remember these ol’ tunes.. ’cause I don’t.
Bob Vila…..John Larroquette
Tom…..Kevin Nealon
Peggy…..Victoria Jackson
Bob Vila: Hi! Bob Vila here, and welcome to “This Old House”. Today, we’re going to be rehabilitating this beautiful 1865 Victorian farmhouse. It hasn’t been lived in in 123 years, which presents a lot of problems for its new owners, Tom and Peggy McGinnis, who bought this house over a year ago. Tom, Peggy? Now, I noticed you already had trouble in the basement, because the house was built over a sacred Indian burial mound.
Tom: That’s right, Bob. It’s really grim down there.
Bob Vila: And we know that can cause problems all over the house – which brings us to today’s topic: low-bearing walls that sweat blood.
Tom: Yeah. Bob, what causes that in these older houses?
Bob Vila: Well, this is an outside wall, so it could be loose siding, dry gutters, bad copper flashing.. or.. evil forces from beyond the grave that we just don’t understand. Now, I noticed it says, “All Must Die”. Does it always say that?
Tom: Uh.. well, sometimes it says, “This is the House of Death”, or something like, “Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill!”
Peggy: We’ve tried everything – we’ve tried polyurethane, and sealer, and varnish.. but it still comes through.
Bob Vila: Well, that’s probably because this is very old plaster. So, what we’re going to do today is we’re going to stud out from the wall with 2x4s, and put up a vapor barrier and insulation, okay? [ calls offscreen ]Jose, Luis? [ immigrant lackey enter with 2×4 frame ] Now, you remember what we said about vapor barrier, Tom?
Tom: Yeah.. keep the vapor barrier facing the blood side.
Bob Vila: Right, right!
[ a scream rings out ]
Now, you have a sound problem in this room, too, right, Tom?
Tom: Well, actually, that’s coming from upstairs. Usually, it says something like.. [ demonic ] “Worship Lucifer! Kneel before the Prince of Darkness!”Other times, it screams incoherently, uh.. like, you know.. anything, anything. It is really irritating.
Peggy: Yeah, we’d really like to get it fixed by next month, because that’s where we plan to put the nursery.
Bob Vila: Well, Peggy, I’m gonna be real honest with you – you can’t completely eliminate a full-blown demonic rant. But.. I’ve used this in a few houses – it’s a sound baffle from Owens-Mansfield. you install it in the ceiling between the rafters, and what you get is a more conversational sound, more like.. [ places sound baffle up to mouth and whispers ] “Worship Lucifer.. kneel before the Prince of Darkness..” [ lowers sound baffle ] But, getting back to this room, which is the family room, right?
Tom: Yeah. Well, we’ve got a real problem over here, Bob.
Bob Vila: Uh-huh, let’s see.. [ walks over ] Oh, yeah, yeah.. you’ve got a big wall full of trapped souls.
Tom: No, no, no.. this is actually next summer’s project. I’m talking about the floor right here.
Peggy: Yeah. What is this, Bob?
Bob Vila: Well, Peggy, this is a hellmouth. You don’t want to leave this open, not with a baby in the house.
Tom: No. We’ve already lost one sleeper-sofa down there.
Bob Vila: Uh-huh.
Peggy: Is there any way to hide it?
Bob Vila: Well, no, there’s no way to really hide a hellmouth. But what you can do is feature it. You know, make it part of the room, with an antique mantel, a focal point.. you can decide..
Peggy: Honey, the baby’s kicking – look! [ stomach jumps out of control ]
[ noise sounds from upstairs, yelling, “Satan! Satan!” ]
Tom: Oh? Now, see, there’s that noise I was talking about earlier.
Bob Vila: Uh-huh.. uh-huh.. Listen, don’t you worry, we’re going to install that sound baffle next week. Unfortunately, we’re about out of time. But, we’ll be back to show Tom and Peggy how to extract crypts from the cell wall without disturbing the foundation. Right, Tom?
[ Tom lurches forward and falls facedown on the table, numerous screwdrivers stabbed into his back ]
Well, Tom’s dead! So, I guess I’ll be seeing you next time on “This Old House”. Bye bye!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 5th, 1988 Matthew Modine Edie Brickell & New Bohemians None Morton Downey, Jr. Cheryl Hardwick Drill Sergeant
Montage
Matthew Moddine’s MonologueBio: Matthew Modine (1959-). Actor; film highlights include: “Private School” (1983), “Full Metal Jacket” (1987), “Memphis Belle” (1990).
The Republican Party
The Liberal
Church ChatRecurring Characters: Church Lady. Bio: Morton Downey, Jr. (1932-2001). Talk show host; as host of “The Morton Downry Jr. Show” (1987-89), he pioneered the “trash TV” format still rampant in daytime programming today; died of lung cancer in 2001.
Edie Brickell & New Bohemians perform “What I Am”Bio: Alternative rock/folk group, since 1985; members: Edie Brickell, Brandon Aly, John Bush, Brad Houser, Kenny Withrow. Also Performed: 90h.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.
Dukakis After DarkRecurring Characters: Michael Dukakis, Lloyd Bentsen, Kitty Dukakis, Ted Kennedy, Donna Rice, Joan Baez, Jimmy Carter. Transcript
Win, Lose Or TieRecurring Characters: Bert Convy, Burt Reynolds.
Dukakis Ad
Edie Brickell & New Bohemians perform “Little Miss S”
Lenny & Two SammiesRecurring Characters: Sammy, Sammy.
Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz Lloyd Bentsen…..Matthew Modine Pianist…..Cheryl Hardwick Kitty Dukakis…..Jan Hooks Ted Kennedy…..Phil Hartman Leroy Neiman…..Kevin Nealon Willie Horton….. Donna Rice…..Victoria Jackson Jimmy Carter…..Dana Carvey Joan Baez…..Nora Dunn
[ open on Michael Dukakis sitting in a chair in a darkened room ]
Michael Dukakis: Good evening. I’m Michael Dukakis. The Democratic candidate for President of the United States. Now, several months ago when we purchased this half-hour of television time, we planned to use it as a last-minute appeal to undecided voters. But.. quite frankly.. after meeting with my advisors, and seeing the latest polls, it’s clear to me – and it would be clear to anyone – that I don’t have a chinaman’s chance of winning this election. I’m gonna be beaten. Badly beaten. And I see no reason to sit here tonight and pretend otherwise. However, I’ve got thirty minutes of prepaid, non-refundable network time. Now, I could sit here, give you thesame old song-and-dance about “good jobs with good wages”, and “the best Ameroca is yet to come”.. blah, blah, blah, blah! But if you haven’t bought it by now, why bother? So, instead of speeches, I’ve decided to throw a party, for everyone involved with the campaign. It’s a good party. A fun party. And you’re invited. After all, the federal matching funds – you paid for half of it! So come on in.
[ Dukakis gets up, as the lights rise and a woman removes his business suit and replaces it with a Hugh Hefnerish smoking jacket, then he joins the party ]
[ SUPER: Dukakis After Dark ]
Michael Dukakis: [ is handed a drink by a bunny ] Ah! Everybody’s here. Come on, don’t be shy. Well, here’s my running-mate, Lloyd Bentsen.
[ pan to Lloyd Bentsen, who’s chatting with two attractive girls ]
Lloyd Bentsen: ..Then I looked him straight in the eye, and said, “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy!” Ha ha!
Michael Dukakis: [ ambles over ] Lloyd. How’s that martini treating you?
Lloyd Bentsen: Not too badly, Mike. I wish the polls were treating us a little better.
Michael Dukakis: Well, Lloyd, we represent unpopular and discredited views.
Lloyd Bentsen: Mike! Now that it’s all over, you can tell me. You were gonna raise taxes, weren’t you?
Michael Dukakis: Well, you bet I was! Through the roof! But now.. I won’t get the chance.
Kitty Dukakis: [ from across the room ] Michael, would you come over here, please?
Michael Dukakis: [ to the camera ] Well, as usual, Ted Kennedy’s got his eye on a beautiful brunette. In this case, my wife Kitty.
[ cut to Kitty and Ted Kennedy in the corner ]
Ted Kennedy: [ touching Kitty’s dress ] This is very nice.. what’s it made of..?
Kitty Dukakis: Senator Kennedy, please..
Ted Kennedy: You know, Kitty.. after a defeat like this, Mike’s gonna need some time alone.. If you like, you’re welcome to come down to Hiannas Port for a few days. Of course, you can have your own room..
Kitty Dukakis: No, I don’t think that would be a good idea, do you, Senator?
Ted Kennedy: Here. Watch this. [ swigs his beer, letting it drip down his shirt ]
Michael Dukakis: [ observing ] Well, it looks like these two want to be alone! [ looks across the room ] There’s my friend Leroy Neiman. Let’s go see what Leroy’s doing. [ approaches Leroy, who’s painting a mural ] Hello, Leroy. That’s great. It’s great. What do you call it?
Leroy Neiman: Governor, I call this “What Might Have Been”. It shows the nuclear aircraft carrier Niemitz after its conversion into a floating shelter for the homeless.
Michael Dukakis: Well, it’s beautiful, Leroy.
Leroy Neiman: Thank you.
Michael Dukakis: I think it’s right up there with the Olympic Moment series that you did for Burger King.
Leroy Neiman: Thank you.
Willie Horton: [ across the room ] Mike! My main man!
Michael Dukakis: [ walks over ] Willie Horton. Give me five. Come on, give me five.
Willie Horton: Hey, man, this party is great! Yo! Thanks for the furlough.
Michael Dukakis: It’s no problem, homeboy. I’m just sorry I won’t be able to give you that presidential pardon.
Willie Horton: Oh, that’s alright, man, you tried. Say.. you know Donna Rice? [ introduces blonde woman he’s dancing with ]
Michael Dukakis: Of course. Hello, Donna.
Donna Rice: Hi, Mike. Would you like to join us for some dirty dancing?
Michael Dukakis: Maybe later, kids. [ to the camera ] For now, come with me, I’d like you to meet the person that I consider the greatest living American – Jimmy Carter.
[ Jimmy is engaged in conversation with Lloyd Bentsen ]
Lloyd Bentsen: ..I looked him right in the eye, and said, “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy!”
Jimmy Carter: Yes, well, I think I heard that, Lloyd..
Michael Dukakis: Jimmy?
Jimmy Carter: Oh, hello, Mike.
Michael Dukakis: I’m about to lose as bad as you did. Maybe worse. How did you deal with it afterwards?
Jimmy Carter: Well, basically, Michael, you go through three stages. The first is Denial: “I did win! I am the President! Yahoo!” But then when Reagan got inaugurated, I had to move on to the next stage.
Michael Dukakis: Which is?
Jimmy Carter: Anger. I was one pissed-off cracker!
Michael Dukakis: And then what?
Jimmy Carter: Well, then, Michael – Acceptance. I had to accept the fact that I was a downer. A liberal downer. A malaise-ridden liberal downer. A free-spending malaise-ridden liberal downer, who only knew..
Michael Dukakis: Jimmy, Jimmy.. believe me, I understand. [ looks across the room ] Is that Joan Baez? It is. Let’s go listen. Why don’t you join us?
[ show Joan Baez singing ]
Joan Baez: “You’re lateral disarmament, abortions on demand Take everybody’s guns away, and toss them in the sand. Freec condoms for the kids We’ll not blame the criminals for anything he did. For who cam say what’s right or wrong, if there’s such a thing as sin? And all that really matters, is wars we lose or win.
Michael Dukakis: [ sitting on couch ] Well, thanks for coming to the party. That just about does it for the campaign. You know, I think the one thing that really hurt us is the fact that Reaganomics works. It really does. I mean, aren’t you better off than you were eight years ago? I know I am. How about the rest of you? [ looks at his guests, who shake their heads in agreement ] I wish you weren’t, but you are. You are better off. And there’s no denying it. Well, I’d like to thank my guests – my running-mate, Lloyd Bentsen, who’d asked me to remind you he’s still on the ballot down in Texas; Jane Fonda; Daniel Ortega; an, of course, my good friend Ted Kennedy. Good night.
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