Tony Danza: Sure, sure, anybody’s good after Ted Bundy, I know!
Well, here I am back in New York, my hometown.. and hosting my favorite show “Saturday Night Live”! And, let me tell you, it’s been three years since the last time I was here. You know, I was here three years ago, and a lot has changed for me in three years. I mean, the biggest thing that’s changed for me in three years is, I was single then and I’m married now. And I like marriage, I really like marriage, because in the morning now, I’m waking up instead of coming to! No, really, really, I do, I love marriage, I think it’s my favorite institution! There, honey, I said it, okay?
Also, I have a 20-month old baby girl named Katie. She’s terrific, and tomorrow my son Mark, who’s also terrific, will be 18 years old. 18! Now, look here – 20 months, and 18 years. Is that spacing them out? I’m telling you!
Alright, listen, let me tell you something: it’s the thing that you worry about the most when you do this show, and the thing I worried about most when I hosted last time ws the Monologue. You know, you’re up here all by yourself, and you’re scared, you’re afraid. But the writers told me last time, “Don’t worry – we’ll write something for you, it’ll be funny, you’re gonna love it.” And then, of course, I ended up tap-dancing. Well, this time, I said, “No way, that’s not gonna happen.” I grabbed the writers, I worked with them all week, and so we’re gonna get to the tap-dancing a lot faster this time, alright? So, are you ready for the tap-dance?
[ as audience cheers him on, Danza does his little tap-dance on the stage ]
Okay! Well, look, that’s it, we’ve got a great show tonight, we got John Hiatt and the Garners. So don’t go anywhere, we’ll be right back!
[ open on Ted Bundy, hair standing on end, smoke rising from his tattered clothes ]
Ted Bundy: Hello, I’m Ted Bundy. Thank you. You know, all too often, we Americans take electricity for granted. We assume that when we flip that switch, the power will just be there. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. And I learned that the hard way on Tuesday, when a brownout in central Florida turned a routine execution into an embarrassing and painful farce. And now, I’ve gotta do it all over again.
And that started me thinking: does America have all the energy reserves it needs to carry it through the nineties? And if not, what are the alternatives? Nuclear? Perhaps.. but is it safe? Coal is plentiful.. but I worry about the environment. Solar? Well, let’s be frank, it’s years away. The fact is, no one energy source alone can meet America’s energy needs. [ holds up lightbulb, which lights up in his hand ] As we head into the next decade – or, as you head into the next decade – we must rely on a combination of sources – coal, hydroelectric, and nuclear, conservation, and hanging.
This has been Ted Bundy, temporarily “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Rudy…..Tony Danza Brewmeister…..Jon Lovitz Aide…..Kevin Nealon The President…..Phil Hartman Einstein…..Dana Carvey Reporter…..Nora Dunn
Announcer: The Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art presents: “Da War of Da Woilds”.
[ open on Rudy and The Brewmeister fishing off of a dock ]
Rudy: Roy, I’ll tell ya, the funkin’ fish in here stinks!
Brewmeister: Yeah, I ain’t had a bite all day.
Rudy: Let’s say we blow this joint.
Brewmeister: Sure. [ as he picks up his rod and reel, notices something strange in the sky behind him ] Hey, hey, Ed! [ points ] What the funk is dose?!
Rudy: Holy samoley! You know what dose are? Dose are flyin’ saucers!
Brewmeister: Dey are definitely from outer space!
Rudy: I think dey are martians!
Brewmeister: Martians?! Dose dings will spread like termites!
Rudy: Tell me about it! We gotta warn da rest of da woild!
[ they wait until after they’ve finished their beers ]
[ cut to exterior, “Da White House” ]
Aide: [ enters Oval Office ] Mr. President. I’m sorry to interrupt ya, but some guys are heah.
The President: Whatta dey want?!
Aide: Dey say dat dey had seen some martians.
The President: Martians? You better show dem in!
Rudy: [ enters with Rudy ] Sorry to bother ya’s, Mr. President. But my name is Rudy, and dis here’s da Brewmeister!
The President: Yo! [ shakes fist; Rudy and The Brewmeister return the greeting ]
Brewmeister: Pleased to make ya acquaintance.
The President: Yeah, so what’s all dis I hear about Martians?!
Brewmeister: Oh, dey have landed, Mr. President, we’ve seen dem!
Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns, and stuff like dat! I think they mean to take over da woild!
The President: Hey, Joey! [ Aide returns ] Better get my advisors in heah!
Aide: Alright. Sorry, all your advisors are bowling.
The President: Bowling?!
Aide: Yeah. Dey got dat big toinement today.
The President: Oh, yeah, the big toinement!
Rudy: Oh, listen, sir. Not for nothing, but we ain’t got no time to spare – so to speak! Hey! Maybe we should find, like a scientist, to make a weapon to blow their f–kin’ heads off!
The President: Good thinkin’! But who?!
Brewmeister: Well, what about that real smart scientist, what’s his name?
Rudy: Uh.. Einstein!
Brewmeister: Einstein! Yeah, that’s it!
The President: Let’s haul it!
[ they exit the Oval Office ]
[ cut to “Some Big-Shot College” ]
[ dissolve to SUPER: “(Where Einstein Is At)” ]
[ dissolve to Einstein’s office ]
The President: Perfessor Einstein?
Einstein: [ stands ] Yeah, yeah, dat’s da name, don’t wear it out! Hey, what can I do ya’s for?
The President: I am da President of da United States. And dis heah’ Rudy, and dis is da Brewmeister.
Einstein: Yo! [ waves fist; the others return the greeting ]
The President: Perfessor, we got martians!
Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?
Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin’ out da ol’ ying-yang!
Brewmeister: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da f–kin’ saucers out of da f–kin’ sky!
Rudy: Yeah!
Einstein: Yeah, well, I got dis laser gun over heah! [ removes drop cloth to reveal a laser gun ] You know, you could try dat, I don’t know! But for da f–kin’ martians, geez! I can’t be certain dat dis will work out dere! I was gonna use it to take paint off sidin’!
Rudy: Well, Perfessor, we gotta take it, ’cause it’s our only shot!
Einstein: Alright, but you’re gonna hafta leave some sort of deposit heah!
[ they collect their money for a deposit ]
[ cut to variosu newspaper headlines – “We Got Martians up Da Wazoo!”, “Nuttin’ Can Stop Dem!”; “Dey Are Maniacs!”; and “Mets Sweep Doubleheader!” ]
[ cut to Rudy and The Brewmeister using the laser gun to shoot at the surrounding flying saucers in the sky ]
Brewmeister: Take dis, you doity Martians!
Rudy: It ain’t no use! Dis f–kin’ ding don’t work!
Brewmeister: Oh, da woild is doomed!
[ cut to Oval Office, the President and his men watching the news on TV ]
Reporter: The Martians appear unstoppable! Dey have swarmed all over da f–kin’ planet, spreadin’ destruction and fear! [ grabs note ] Oh! Dis just in: the Martians have blown up da Parthenon!
Aide: [ runs in ] Hey, Mr. President! Da Martians wanna know if we will surrender.
The President: I’m afraid we got no other choice, but to surrender!
Rudy: [ runs in ] Wait a minute, Mr. President! Don’t trow in da towel yet! Toin on da TV!
Reporter: [ on TV ] Da Martians are dyin’! I repeat: dey are dyin’! Da reason is joims! Oith joims! Dey can’t take da joims!
[ President and his men cheer ]
Rudy: Hey! Who woulda thought dat joims could be our friend!
The President: Maybe we loined a lesson heah!
Brewmeister: Yeah! Joims don’t like Martians!
The President: And visa-versa!
Rudy: F–kin’ ‘eyyy!
Announcer: This has been “Da War of Da Woilds”, by Da Brooklyn Academy of Fine Art. Join us next week for “Hoicules Voisus Da Blob”.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 12 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
February 11th, 1989 Ted Danson Luther Vandross None None Tom Davis CheersRecurring Characters: Michael Dukakis, Kitty Dukakis. Transcript
Montage
Ted Danson’s MonologueBio: Ted Danson (1947-). Actor; on television, plays Sam Malone on “Cheers”, 1982-93, Dr. John Becker on “Becker”, 1998-2004; films include: “Body Heat” (1981), “Three Men and a Baby” (1987); while romantically involved with Whoopi Goldberg, garnered negative press when he appeared in blackface at a Friar’s Club Roast in her honor; married to third wife, actress Mary Steenbergen, since 1995. Cameos: 91c.
Woody…..Dana Carvey Mr. Callahan…..Kevin Nealon Sen. John Tower…..Phil Hartman Sam…..Ted Danson Gov. Michael Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz Kitty Dukakis…..Jan Hooks
Voiceover: “Cheers” is taped before a live audience.
[ open on the Cheers bar, with Woody behind the counter ]
Mr. Callahan: [ puts a tip on the counter and gets up to leave ] Thanks, Woody.
Woody: [ approaches the counter ] Oh, yeah, thanks Mr. Callahan.
John Tower: Woody.. [ points to his glass ] ..fill ‘er up.
Woody: Oh, Senator Tower, it’s closing time.
John Tower: Then give me the bottle!
Woody: Geez, well, don’t you think you’ve had a little too much?
John Tower: Let me tell you something. You want to know something? The only drinking problem I have is drinking too much. But it doesn’t matter because I’m going to be confirmed.
Woody: Oh really? Geez, I was confirmed, when I was 13. You know what my confirmation name was? Paul. They picked it because he was my favorite Beatle!
John Tower: [ peeved ] Woody, I could have you killed. Bring me the bottle.
Woody: [ calling ] Sam!
[ Sam Malone enters from the back room and approaches Woody and Senator Tower ]
Sam Malone: [ in disbelief ] Oh, Senator Tower!
John Tower: [ innocently ] Come on, Sam, all I want is another drink.
Sam Malone: Now, Senator Tower, you know I can’t serve anybody after two, especially alcoholics.
John Tower: Look, tell ya what, let’s make a deal. You give me another drink, and I’ll give you John Tower’s tips for picking up women.
Sam Malone: Woody, give me the bottle. All right, but just one drink here, Senator. [ he takes a bottle and pours it into Tower’s glass ]
John Tower: You’re not gonna regret this. Okay. [ Sam withdraws the bottle after filling it halfway ] Keep it coming! Level it off, come on, don’t be stingy. [ Sam keeps filling the glass to the top. Tower sips from it as it overflows. ] That’s it, keep it comin’!
Sam Malone: No, Senator, that’s it. That’s enough. That’s it.
John Tower: Okay, okay. The secret to picking up women: tell them Defense secrets. [ he takes a drink as Sam looks away disappointingly ]
Woody: Well, what if you don’t know any?
John Tower: Okay, here’s one to get you started. Our Trident submarines? They can be tracked with a simple ham radio. Ha! [ he takes another drink ]
Sam Malone: Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be telling us stuff like that. Now it’s closing time and I’m gonna have to ask you to go. I want everybody to go now.
John Tower: Well, what about him? [ points to a figure slouched over the counter at the other end of the bar. Sam approaches the figure ]
Sam Malone: Governor Dukakis, do you need a ride home? [ Dukakis rises, with a dazed look ]
Michael Dukakis: Sam, did I tell you that I came in second forPresident of the United States?
Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did.
Michael Dukakis: Did I tell you that my parents were immigrants? Greek immigrants! [ he takes a drink ]
Sam Malone: Yes, Governor, you did. Governor, it’s closing time.
[ Kitty Dukakis enters the bar through the main entrance ]
Kitty Dukakis: Michael? [ sees him at the bar and smiles ] I have been looking all over for you.
Michael Dukakis: Kitty, you’re out.
Kitty Dukakis: And you’re drunk! [ she walks over to him ]
Michael Dukakis: Yes, I’m drunk and.. I’ve had some mixed drinks. I’ve had some cocktails, some shots, and highballs, and.. ehhhh.. chasers, and I’m flying, I’m blind, stinking drunk!
Kitty Dukakis: Michael, come home with me.
John Tower: I’ll go home with you!
Michael Dukakis: [ angrily ] Senator Tower, that’s my wife you’re talking to!
Kitty Dukakis: Michael!
Michael Dukakis: I’m sorry, that was the.. ehhhh.. liquor talking.
John Tower: Yes? No, listen. I’m the one who should be sorry. [ sobs ] It’s just that I need a women so bad!
Kitty Dukakis: [ approaching Tower ] Oh, Senator Tower, you shouldn’t be here. You have a confirmation hearing tomorrow! What are you gonna tell that committee?
John Tower: I’m gonna look them straight in the eye and say, “Live, from New York..” [ he passes out and falls over the counter ]
Michael Dukakis: [ to the camera ] “It’s Saturday Night!“
Husband…..Ted Danson Wife…..Nora Dunn Neighbor…..Phil Hartman
[ open on exterior, apartment building ]
[ dissolve to interior, close-up of Husband and Wife sitting on couch reading the newspaper ]
Husband: Boy, oh boy, oh boy.. murder and war, corruption.. crazy world out there.
Wife: I know, I get depressed just thinking about it.
Husband: You know, I think I’d go nuts myself, if it weren’t for the hogs.
[ cut to wide shot, numerous hogs pacing around the living room, often bumping into one another with comedic results ]
Wife: I know what you mean.
Husband: Oh, I wonder what’s on the tube. You seen the TV Guide?
Wife: I think the hogs have it.
Husband: [ rummages amongst the hogs, finds the remote ] Hey, look – pearls! [ laughs ] Just kidding!
Wife: You got it?
Husband: Yeah.
Wife: Hey, as long as you’re up, can you move that hog over there? [ points ]
Husband: Yeah.
Wife: Just to the right. [ Husband moves the hog over an inch ] Great!
Husband: Not bad, huh? [ sits back on couch ]
[ phone rings ]
Wife: [ gets up to answer phone, excusing herself to hog in the way ] Hello.. Why, I’m sorry you feel that way.. Are you sure..? Okay. [ hangs up phone ]
Husband: Who’s that?
Wife: Ohh, the new cleaning lady quit.
Husband: Again? Well, did she say why?
Wife: She didn’t say. She just quit!
Husband: Well, that doesn’t make any sense. [ thinking ] Unless, maybe.. it’s the hogs.
Wife: No, no.. I think she was just unhappy.
Husband: Boy, you know, sweetheart, I’ve been thinknig about the hogs..
Wife: What about the hogs?
Husband: Well, you know, it’s just that, sometimes, I look at this apartment, and I look at our lives, and I look at the hogs..
Wife: Yeah, the hogs?
Husband: I don’t know, sometimes I think we just, you know, should start over.. just go somewhere with nothing!
Wife: What do you mean, without the hogs?
Husband: No, no.. I mean, with just the hogs. You know, quit the firm, move out into the country.. or maybe even just a new apartment.
Wife: I know, you always think that way when the new cleaning lady quits.
Husband: Yeah, you’re right.. [ doorbell rings ] I’ll get it.
Wife: Watch out for the hogs, please.
Husband: It’s alright. [ answers door ] Yeah?
Neighbor: I’m your downstairs neighbor. I’m here to complain about.. the hogs.
Husband: Well, why? Did they do something wrong?
Neighbor: Yes! They exist!
Wife: Well, what is it, what’s the matter?
Husband: Well, I think something wrong with the hogs here, I think.
Wife: No! no, the hogs are fine!
Neighbor: No, they are not fine! They root around on my ceiling day and night! They are ruining my life!
Husband: You know, it’s awfully easy to blame all the problems of the world on hogs.
Wife: Yeah, blame it on the hogs.. blame it on the hogs.. everybody else does.
Neighbor: What about the stuff dripping down into my living room? What about the smell? What about the squealing?!
Wife: Now, wait a minute here! Our hogs do not squeal!
Neighbor: Oh?! Well, maybe it was the hogs next door! Or perhaps the ones across the hall! Or maybe some wild hogs slipped in past the doormen! Or maybe, just maybe, the bacon in my refrigerator wasn’t quite DEAD yet!!
Husband: Hey, fella, that’s enough! I think you’d better leave!
Wife: Yes, I do.
Neighbor: Excuse me.. [ stumbles toward the door ]
Husband: You just make your way out of here right now!
Wife: Watch out for the hogs!
Neighbor: Well, you can believe I’m gonna be bringing this up at the next Tenant’s Meeting! [ exits ]
Husband: You know, if he wants to play that way – fine! I’ll tell you, there’s some complaints I’ll bring up about his cat!
Wife: Oh, just ignore him, he’s not worth it. Let’s just sit down and relax!
Husband: [ calming down ] You’re right.. you’re right.. I’m sorry. [ sits ] Oh, you know, this is the life! You know, you can really be yourself in a room full of hogs.
Wife: Yeah, they don’t go around judging you, that’s one thing you can say about them.
Husband: Right. And they accept you the way you are. And I’m not saying they’re easily impressed. You know, you still have to earn their respect!
Wife: Yeah, but it’s not that hard.
Husband: Exactly.
Wife: [ thinking ] Hey, let’s go out in the kitchen and just fix up a big bucket of slop, so we can sit here and watch them feed, huh?
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening and uh, what can I tell you?
[ Monitor: picture of Bernard Shaw ] The results of last Thursday’s presidential debates were invalidated yesterday when authorities found traces of steroids in debate moderator Bernard Shaw’s urine.
[ Monitor: picture of Dukakis between Miss Kitty and Festus from Gunsmoke ] After the debate, governor Dukakis was joined on the platform by his wife Kitty and his son Festus. Much of governor Dukakis’s anger the other night seems to be focused on the Bush charges labeling him a liberal. Dukakis countered Bush’s accusations by saying, “When it says liberal, liberal, liberal on the label, label, label, you will like it, like it, like it on your table, table, table.” I don’t want anybody out there thinking that I don’t realize how stupid that joke is.
[ Monitor: Weekend Update snap poll ] A Weekend Update snap poll of one randomly-selected voter shows that vice-president Bush with a commanding 100% to governor Dukakis’s 0%. [ applause, boos and hisses ] The poll, however, has a margin of error of +/- 100%.
[ Monitor: NBC/AP poll ] In a related story, a survey of Americans show that a commanding 82% feel that the Los Angeles Dodgers defeated the New York Mets in the National League playoffs. The poll has a margin of error of 18%. [ A baseball lands on his desk ] Wow. Gibson hit the hell out of that ball, didn’t he?
[ Monitor: picture of Dan Quayle holding a pumpkin ] Here’s a [ waits for the applause to die down ] TV verité joke. Well. Here’s an Update quiz: what’s the difference between these two spherical objects? The answer is, eventually the one on the left [ the pumpkin ] will have a light in it. Sorry, Dan. Oh, you make it so damn easy.
After a lengthy negotiation with both parties, the Federal Election Commission has finally agreed to a slight modification to the standard ballot. The new Republican ballot will look like this: [ a box for Bush/Quayle, with “BUSH” in big letters and “Quayle” in small letters ] And a new Democratic ballot: [ a box for Dukakis/Bentsen, with “Dukakis” in small letters and “BENTSEN” in big letters ]
People who listened to the legendary Kennedy/Nixon debate of 1960 on radio felt that Nixon had won, while those who watched it on TV thought that Kennedy won. People who listened to the Bush/Dukakis debate on radio called it a draw, and those who watched it on TV felt they had listened to it on the radio.
[ Monitor: Pictures of the New York Post with covers of Tyson and Givens ] You know, I hope Mike Tyson and Robin Givens straighten this thing out soon. I don’t need to see this much of Barbara Walters.
[ Monitor: Picture of Judd Nelson ] And I need Judd Nelson to get just a little weirder, okay? Judd. Call me, man. I wanna help.
[ Monitor: Picture of Ben Johnson ] Ben Johnson was charged with assault and dangerous use of a weapon in Toronto on Tuesday. Leaving the police station, he commented: “I’m going to Disneyland!”
[ Monitor: Picture of Ed Koch ] Amidst criticism, New York mayor Ed Koch has unveiled a new program to wash the homeless who reside in ever-increasing numbers in our city street. [ footage of people getting sprayed during riots ]
Donald Trump, today, pledged to donate $1.5 million to Mother Teresa on the condition that she change her name to Mother Trump.
[ Monitor: McDonald’s logo ] This week, a federal study revealed there is now a McDonald’s restaurant in every neighborhood in America, except on the street that McDonald’s owner Joan Crock lives on.
Dennis Miller: And now, here to put all these big generalities into even — nice setup there, huh? — even more big perspective, is my good friend and co-correspondent, A. Whitney Brown, with “The Big Picture”. Welcome back, Whitney! [ They shake hands ]
A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Thank you. You know, I’ve been watching these debates and I’ve noticed the one thing that candidates never talk about is the weather. I think they’re dodging the issue. So let’s take a look at the record. The weather has been terrible. Droughts, fires, floods, hurricanes this administration has had the worst weather in recent history. Matter of fact, these last eight years have been like a nature hike through the Book of Revelations. We have this Greenhouse Effect heating up the entire planet. The ice caps are gonna melt. Oceans will flood into the cities, and then — junkies will be able to pick up syringes right off the sidewalk. And you know, just when we need all the oxygen we can get, somebody decided it was the perfect moment to turn the tropical rainforest into chopsticks and cheap furniture. Species are becoming extinct before they’ve even been exploited. Now of course, some of these species have only themselves to blame. I figure, if a species becomes extinct, there’s a good chance it just wasn’t working hard enough. Either that, or maybe it had some inherent character flaws. Still, this accelerating extinction rate is a crime against nature, because there’s gonna come a time on this planet when we need those animals for medical research. You know, this is a little off the subject, but there are actually animal rights activists out there protesting at laboratories, because they’re using guinea pigs as guinea pigs. I dunno, but anyway, the very idea that the jaguar should become extinct while the pekingese survives, indicates to me that somebody hasn’t thought this thing through. Now I know this may never be a big campaign issue, unless it turns out that these animals are being killed by prisoners out on furlough. But I do know that it’s starting to get mighty lonely up here at the top of the food chain. And that, my friend, is The Big Picture.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Whitney Brown! [ applause as they shake hands again ] Whitney Brown with “The Big Picture”.
You know, I’ve been following that election in Burma, and I gotta tell ya, as far as charisma goes, that Som Wong makes Ni Nguyen look like On Song Sui Ke.
The PTL theme park was bought this week for $115 million by real estate developer Steven Mernick, an Orthodox Jew. Mernick says he plans to change the name of the park from “Heritage USA” to “CHHHHeritage USA”.
[ Monitor: Picture of girl from “Les Miserables” poster ] This drawing left the cast of the Broadway hit show “Les Miserables” this week, and was replaced by this drawing. [ picture of Tammy Faye Baker ]
[ Monitor: Newspaper headline “Turin shroud made after crucifixion” ] And the Shroud of Turin has finally been declared a fake. Scientists have carbon-dated it only as far back as the 12th Century and say it’s actually an old Joan Collins publicity still.
[ Monitor: Picture of a small jet plane on top of a larger jet plane ] And the shuttle Discovery got a little this week. Good for you, shuttle!
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 22nd, 1988 John Larroquette Randy Newman None Mark Knopfler Tom Davis Andy Murphy Alien DukakisRecurring Characters: Michael Dukakis. Transcript
Montage
John Larroquette’s MonologueSummary: An egotistical John Larroquette declares himself “King of the Studio”, and dares anyone to try and dethrone him. First Hosted: 86q. Transcript
Dan Quayle: PresidentRecurring Characters: Dan Quayle.
Portrait of the ArtistSummary: A look back at the life of Pablo Picasso (Jon Lovitz), an artist perfectly willing to make an ass of himself in the same of his own greatness.
The Crests And Troughs Of Vernon Hawley Jr.Summary: Ex-drinking country singer Vernon Hawley Jr. (John Larroquette) belts out a few classics he can barely remember. Transcript
Vote Bush ISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush is tall. Transcript
Pete’s FountainSummary: A big-butt waitress (Nora Dunn) endures jokes about her posterior.
Vote Bush IISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush comes from an American-born family. Transcript
Randy Newman with Mark Knopfler performs “It’s Money That Matters”First Performed: 75b. Bio: Mark Knopfler (1949-). Musician; lead guitarist-vocalist for Dire Straights.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.
Restaurant Sex TalkSummary: Bill (Phil Hartman) and Cheryl (Nora Dunn) are discomforted by the relentless sex talk between Bob (John Larroquette) and Jackie (Victoria Jackson). Transcript
Randy Newman & Mark Knopfler perform “Dixie Flyer”
This Old HouseSummary: Handyman Bob Vila (John Larroquette) helps an expectant couple (Victoria Jackson, Kevin Nealon) fix up an old haunted house. Transcript
Vote Bush IIISummary: Unlike Michael Dukakis, George Bush comes from a whiter background. Transcript
Gay Communist Gun ClubSummary: Gay hunting buddies (John Larroquette, Phil Hartman) love to talk guns, Communism, and homosexuality with their callers. Transcript
Air Date:
