Announcer: Good evening. And welcome again to “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.
Franz: Hello! We’re back!
Hans: I am Hans.
Franz: And I am Franz.
Together: And we just want to.. [ clap ] Pump.. you up!
Hans: Alright. But before we can pump you up tonight, we have to answer a piece of viewer mail.
Franz: Ya. Ya. This is a letter we received from a Bill Tompkins. I’ll only read an excerpt, so I don’t go into his loser details. “Dear Hans & Franz: I have recently seen your.. mo-.. mo-“
Hans: Moronic.
Franz: “..Your moronic show, and have wondered why you don’t open your own gym. Maybe you are too stupid.” [ crumples letter ] You know, maybe you thought this letter would make us angry; but it only makes us sad.
Hans: Really, ya. We are sad, you know, because anyone who calls us “stupid” is really just jealous. Because their girlfriend looks at us, then looks at him, and realzies she’s cuddling up with a little girly-man!
Franz: Ya. Ya, girly-man. Hear me now and believe me later – but don’t think about it ever, because, if you try to think, you might cause a flabulance!
Hans: Ya!
Franz: Poor little girly-man, alone in his girly-house!
Hans: Sorry, Mr. Girly-Man, but here’s a treat for your girlfriend!
[ Hans & Franz flex their muscles egotistically ]
Hans: Alright.
Franz: Oh, and thank you so much for the letter. [ put crumpled letter in his mouth and swallows ]
Hans: Ya! Ya, don’t think for a minute he’s not eating it, because beleive me he is!
Franz: That was one delicious piece of girly-man.
Hans: Ya! You know, we’re not here to eat. We’re here..
Together: Pump.. [ clap ] ..you up!
Franz: Oh, and by the way, we’d like to take this time to announce the opening of our new gym in Wayne, New Jersey.
Hans: That’s right. Ya! It’s called the Pumpatorium! Ya! And soon you will meet Victor. He manages our new gym.
Franz: Ya, you know, because we don’t have time to babysit you losers. But believe me, we have trained him well.
Hans: Ya! And he’s one tough biscuit, believe me! Ya, come on out here, Victor!
Franz: Victor, come on out!
[ Victor runs onto the set ]
Victor: Hey, Hans! How you doing, Franz?
Franz: Yes! do you ever show pity on those flabby losers?
Victor: No! These losers, they need discipline! They’re fat, lazy pigs, who should be only dead! You hear me? Dead! Dead! Dead!
Hans: Ya! Ya! Alright. Interesting. Now, tell us, Victor, what would you do with a girly-man who wrote a baby letter?
Victor: Here me now, and here me now, girly-man! Don’t be thinking I can’t come to your house, and pummel your head with a 2×4 and knock some sense into your fat, lazy lard-filled ass! You should be dead! You hear me! Dead, dead, dead, dead!!
[ Hans & Franz subdue Victor ]
Hans: Alright. Alright.
Franz: Enough talk.
Together: We’re not here to talk. We’re here to pump.. [ clap ] ..you up!
Hans: Alright, Victor. Alright, thanks for coming down, Victor.
Victor: Okay, I’ll see you guys later. Oh, by the way. Your cousin Arnold Schwartzenegger came by today.
Hans: Oh, don’t-don’t-don’t be joking us.
Franz: Ya. You’d better not be pulling my rock-hard leg.
Victor: He did! He said he might drop by. Alright, he might see your show. Okay, see you later! [ exits set ]
Franz: Arnold?
Hans: Coming here?
Franz: Today?
Hans: Today? Oh..
Franz: Oh..
Hans: Oh, I don’t believe this!
Franz: We are not properly pumped up!
[ Hans & Franz desperately start flexing and working out their muscles ]
Hans: I don’t believe this! Oh no, I can’t believe it!
[ Arnold Schwartzenegger enters the set, his pecs bouncing in rhythm ]
Arnold Schwartzenegger: Hello, hello. I am back!
Hans: Oh, Arnold, I can’t believe how properly pumped up you really are!
Franz: Ya! You are the embodiment of perfect pumpitude!
Arnold Schwartzenegger: No, no, no.. relax, fellows, relax.
Hans: Hey, Arnold, look at this! [ flexes ]
Franz: Ya! Lok at this! [ flexes more vigorously ]
Arnold Schwartzenegger: Oh, you guys make me sick. [ mimes vomiting ] This is what you have to do. Like this [ demonstrates the proper way to flex his muscles ] That’s the way to do it! Look at you guys, how pitiful losers you are! You know something? I hate the way you guys talk! What’s the matter with you? I mean, I sent you over here from Austria, to become real hard-core terminators, and look what you are – little termites! I wanted you to become real running men; but you are girly-men. Oh, come on, you make me sick! And look at those legs, they look like little skinny sticks! And those buttocks. Soft, like marshmallow. You huys are lucky you don’t have a campfire here in the background. And believe me- [ sees sullen faces ] What’s the matter?
Franz: It’s no use, Arnold. Compared to you.. we are losers. And not even the grown-up kind, the little baby losers.
Hans: Ya. You know, you could very easily flick us with your ltitlest finger, and send us flying across the room until we landed in our own baby poop.
Arnold Schwartzenegger: I know. I know, you’re right. But don’t be downing yourself too much now. Listen to me now, and beleive me later: it doesn’t matter how much you pump up those muscles, as long as you reach the full pumptential.
Franz: Oh.. okay..
Hans: Ya, I think I understand, Arnold. ‘Sank you.
Franz: Ya. Ya, Arnold. You’ve given us something to hear now, and something to think about later.
Arnold Schwartzenegger: Ya. But now, hear this: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday.. [ claps ] ..Night!”
Danny DeVito: [ excited ] Oh, thank you, thank you, oh thank you! Oh, my God, oh boy! Oh, this is it! This is it! This is what it’s all about, I mean this is why I do the show! Do you know what I mean? You hit those doors, they call your name, you guys are screaming! The adrenaline’s pumping out of me like crazy! I come to the Center Stage – yahoooooo!!! [ stops to reflect ] I want to do it again! Can I do it again? [ audience goes wild ] I’m gonna do it again!
[ runs to Arnold Schwartzenegger, seated next to wife Maria Shriver in the audience ]
Arnold Schwartzenegger: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday.. [ claps ] ..Night!”
[ opening theme music and credits play, between shots of Danny DeVito watching from a monitor backstage with Stage Manager Joe Dicso watching for the cue ]
Announcer: It’s “Saturday Night Live”!
With: Dana Carvey!
Nora Dunn!
Phil Hartman!
Jan Hooks!
Victoria Jackson!
Jon Lovitz!
Dennis Miller!
And Kevin Nealon!
And featuring: G.E. Smith & the Saturday Night Live Band!
Musical guest: The Bangles!
And starring: Danny DeVito!
Ladies and gentlemen, Danny DeVito!
[ DeVito re-enters Center Stage, more excited than before ]
Danny DeVito: Oh, that was worth it, that was worth it, that was really worth it! Oh, my God.. oh, my God.. I’d come out a third time, but I don’t think I got it in me! I swear to God! Oh, man, that is the best! Excuse me a second.. I gotta sit down.. [ lies on his back on the floor ] Whoo! Oh, my God.. oh, yeah.. We got a really great show tonight! [ laughs ] Oh, God.. We got The Bangles! And a lot of funny stuff. [ catches breath ] Okay.. okay, I’ll just lay here for a little bit.. Okay.. alright, now, don’t go away, because.. we’ll be right back.
Gariton…..Danny DeVito Bartender…..Tom Davis Patron John…..Jon Lovitz Cowboy #1…..Kevin Nealon Cowboy #2…..Dennis Miller Cowboy #3…..Conan O’Brien Cowgirl…..Jan Hooks Doctor…..Phil Hartman Patron John’s Wife…..Nora Dunn
[ The Old West, 1800’s, day. Mexican folk music plays as gunshots and a horse’s whinny are heard outside. Gariton, a bandito, enters with pistol in hand. ]
Gariton: ÁArriba, arriba! Ha ha ha! That’s right, it is me, Gariton! I am back from the hills! Ha! Aren’t you all happy to see me?!
Cowboy #1: Please, Gariton! We don’t want any trouble!
Gariton: Oh, but I didn’t come for trouble! I come for a DREENK! Which one of you nice people is going to buy Gariton a drink! [ shakes two patrons ] Huh?
Bartender: Why, why don’t you have one on the house? [ pours it ]
Gariton: [ walks over to the bar ] Aww … that’s more like it! BUT — [ grabs the bottle of whiskey and walks to the end of the room ] — when Gariton drink … he like to be entertained! Who ees going to entertain Gariton? Huh? [ points his gun at Patron John ] How about you, seor? Do you know how to dance? [ starts shooting at Patron John’s feet, making him dodge the bullets ]
Patron John: OW!! OW!! [ sits down, and everyone gathers around him ] Why, you SHOT ME!
Gariton: Oh no — did I hit you? Where did I hit you?
Patron John: Oh, my foot! Oh, it burns! [ holds it in pain ]
Gariton: I shot you in the foot?
Patron John: Yeah, you shot —
Gariton: Oh no, let me see! Oh no! Oh, are you all right! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you! Are you okay?
Patron John: Get away from me! Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Does it hurt? I’m so sorry! I don’t mean — let me help you!
Patron John: Go ‘way! You’ve done enough!
Gariton: Oh no …
Patron John: Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Oh, this is terrible. I should go get a doctor!
Cowboy #1: We just sent for a doctor, no thanks to you!
Gariton: Oh no, is it okay? I’m so sorry. Does it hurt? Oh, madre mia, why did this happen? I don’t know how it hap – are you going to be okay?
Doctor: Step aside. [ they all do so ] I heard there was an accident. What happened?
Gariton: [ sheepishly ] Well, heh heh, he was dancing, and we were playing around.
Bartender: That’s not what happened, you shot him in the foot.
Cowboy #2: Yeah, you were making him dance, and then you just shot him!
Doctor: Well why would you do a thing like that?
Gariton: I, I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess, I, I didn’t think I was —
Cowgirl: [ hands on hips, in his face ] That’s it — yeah, yeah, yeah, you just didn’t think, did you?
Gariton: Oh, no, I’m so sorry, I mean, I didn’t mean for it to happen! If I could go back in time and change everything, I would … [ Cowgirl blows him off, walks over to Patron John ] … oh please, I’m so sorry, believe me, it was an accident! Oh, I did — why would anyone do that on purpose? I’m so sorry, oh my god, I’m so sorry …
[ Exterior of a cabin. SUPER: “Later that day …” ]
[ Inside the cabin, Gariton paces back and forth in the hallway. The doctor emerges from the bedroom door. ]
Gariton: Oh, oh doctor, oh tell me, how is he? How is he?
Doctor: Well, he’ll be off his feet for a few weeks and he’s in a lot of pain.
Gariton: Oh, that is terrible! I am so stupid! [ sobs ]
Doctor: Well you said it, not me.
Gariton: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Doctor: A lot of good that does him now. [ walks off ]
Gariton: [ holds his head in anguish ] Oh no … oh God …
[ Exterior of the same cabin. SUPER: “The next week …” ]
[ John is still in bed. His wife stands by the door. ]
Patron John’s Wife: How’s your foot today, dear?
Patron John: Uh, it feels a little better, I guess.
Patron John’s Wife: Do you feel like seeing a visitor?
Patron John: Who is it?
[ She opens the door, and Gariton enters with a gift box wrapped in red paper. ]
Gariton: Hello! … Hello!
Patron John: You?!
Gariton: I, I just stopped by to see you, and see how you were …
Patron John: Get outta here!
[ His wife exits the room ]
Gariton: I, I, I have this for you, I hope you like it. [ lifts the box open ] It, it is a new boot. [ holds it up ]
Patron John: Well this, this is ni —
Gariton: You like it?
Patron John: [ throws the boot ] No! Get outta here! I don’t want that! You SHOT me!
Gariton: Well, well, seor, I have been doing some thinking. You know, that um, normally when, when people do the jig, like you were doing, they dance like this — [ demonstrates ] — see, but, but you, when you were dancing, you were dancing kind of like this — [ demonstrates ] — kicking feet like that — you see, so I’m thinking that maybe, we both are at fault, seor.
Patron John: No! No! It’s all your fault! You made me dance and then you SHOT ME! In the FOOT! YA SHOT ME!
Gariton: All right.
Patron John: Yeah.
Gariton: [ Danny tries not to crack up ] Well, then listen, listen, seor, all right, then, well, I am sorry, okay?
Patron John: No! No, it’s not okay! Ya SHOT ME!
Gariton: Do you — do you not accept my apology, seor?
Patron John: No, I don’t accept your apology!
Gariton: But you must accept my apology —
Patron John: YA SHOT ME, YA SHOT ME! No!
Gariton: [ whips out his pistol ] You must accept the apology, [ says something in Spanish ] — I say, accept it! Accept it! [ starts firing shots into the ceiling ]
Patron John: [ throws his hands up in fear ] I accept! I accept! I accept! I accept!
Gariton: Bark like a dog!
Patron John: [ barks like a dog ]
Gariton: Now get out of bed! [ John does so, still barking ] And dance! Come on! Get up and dance! [ John hops on one foot ] Now act like a chicken! [ etc. etc. ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 10th, 1988 Kevin Kline Bobby McFerrin None None Andy Murphy Bob OdenkirkA Trump ChristmasRecurring Characters: Donald Trump, Ivana Trump.
Montage
Kevin Kline’s MonologueRecurring Characters: Master Thespian. Bio: Kevin Kline (1947-). Actor; formed The Acting Company (nee: City Center Acting Company) in 1972 with fellow Juilliard graduates Patti Lupone and David Ogden Stiers; Tony Award winner for stage performances in “On The Twentieth Century” (1978) and “The Pirates of Penzance” (1981); received Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for “A Fish Called Wanda” (1988); married to actress Phoebe Cates since 1989. Also Hosted: 92t.
Game Breakers
Plug AwayRecurring Characters: Harvey Fierstein, Jimmy Stewart, Jack Nicholson.
Bobby McFerrin performs “Drive”Bio: Bobby McFerrin (1950-). A capella vocalist.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: George Burns.
Alternate “Big Chill” Ending
Desert Island Agency
Bobby McFerrin performs “The Star-Spangled Banner”
Raspberry Response
Roy Orbison performs “Cryin'”Note: Repeat from: 86t.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 17th, 1988 Melanie Griffith Little Feat None Don Johnson Tom Davis Marc Shaiman Church Lady on Christmas EveRecurring Characters: Church Lady, Mesphistopheles.
Montage
Melanie Griffith’s MonologueBio: Melanie Griffith (1957-). Actress; daughter of Hitchcock actress Tippi Hedren; films include: “Body Double” (1984), “Working Girl” (1988); married to actor Don Johnson, 1976, 1989-96; married to actor Steven Bauer, 1981-87; married to actor Antonio Banderas since 1996.
First Guardian MetroCard
Miss Self-Esteem USA Pageant
CIA Christmas Party
Community ChapstickSummary: On a cold, blustery day, every disgusting person in town requests to borrow an uptight man’s (Dana Carvey) chapstick.
Little Feat performs “Let It Roll”Bio: Country rock and roll band, originally formed in 1969 by Lowell George and Bill Payne; band broke up upon George’s death in 1979, but reformed in 1989 with former Pure Prairie League founder, Craig Fuller, as their new frontman; other members include: Fred Tackett, Paul Barrere, Richie Hayward, Kenny Gradney, Sam Clayton.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.
Denise O’Donnell, Miss New York…..Melanie Griffith Blaire Dixon, Miss Georgia…..Jan Hooks Cindy Barlow, Miss Wyoming…..Victoria Jackson Jamie Farr…..Jon Lovitz Michael Gross…..Kevin Nealon
Don Pardo V/O: Live, from Mobile, Alabama, it’s the third annual Miss Self-Esteem USA Pageant, with fifty young women who know, like, and respect themselves, one of whom is going to be Miss Self-Esteem USA 1989.
[ Lights up! The contestants dance on stage and sing to a variant of “Let’s Hear it For the Boy” ]
Contestants: [ singing ] Let’s hear it for myself! Let’s give myself a ha-a-a-a-and! I may not be a Juliet, But what you see is what you get! Wo, wo-o-oh, let’s hear it for myself!
Don Pardo V/O: And now, here’s your Miss Self-Esteem master of ceremonies, “Family Ties”‘ Michael Gross!
[ Applause; the contestants leave as Michael takes center stage ]
Michael Gross: Thank you! Thank you. I have to tell you that I’ve been here in Mobile all week, and these young ladies are the most centered, self-respecting, happiest young people I have ever met. Just being here has made me feel better about myself. And I think you’re gonna feel better about yourselves when you meet our three finalists, as they promenade down the evening gown competition. First, Miss Self-Esteem Georgia, Blaire Dixon!
[ Blaire emerges dressed in blue, and steps up to the mic ]
Blaire Dixon: It is only possible for me to love others once I have loved myself. And since I truly do love myself, I am able to give love to others, such as my family, and those less fortunate than myself. Because I do love myself, so very very much. Thank you. [ walks offstage ]
Michael Gross: [ from off-stage ] Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming, Cindy Barlow!
[ Cindy, in a pink gown, steps up to the mic, trying really hard not to cry as she speaks ]
Cindy Barlow: My boyfriend encouraged me to enter the Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming pageant, to help me raise my level of self-esteem. You might think that winning Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming would have done that, but I was the only person who entered the contest, so it didn’t really mean that much, except to me, which I think is what self-esteem is all about. Thank you.
Michael Gross: [ from off-stage ] And finally, Miss Self-Esteem New York, Denise O’Donnell!
[ Denise emerges to wolf-whistles, wearing a black one-piece bathing suit ]
Denise O’Donnell: I know that uh, we’re supposed to wear an evening gown here but, since there’s no swimsuit competition, I thought I would just take this opportunity to show off my killer bod. I figured, I’m comfortable with it, so youse would be too. It’s fine. Enjoy. [ struts away ]
Michael Gross: Boy, that kind of woke things up, didn’t it?
Blaire Dixon: [ walks up to Michael ] Excuse me, excuse me, I know I’m not supposed to say anything, but that’s not fair. I mean, I think it shows a lot more self-esteem to wear the appropriate garment. I do. [ the next fanfare drowns her out ] I really do! [ shrugs, walks away ]
Michael Gross: And now, let’s meet the judges, who have the nearly impossible task of determining which one of our contestants have the most self-esteem … [ the camera pans across each of the judges ] … Dr. Thomas Harris, author of I’m Okay, You’re Okay … author of Smart Woman, Foolish Choices, Connie Cohen … Robin Norwood, author of Women Who Love Too Much … and actor Jamie Farr. [ Jamie waves and grins ] Jamie, I don’t envy you one bit. Okay, and now, to kick off the talent competition, here is Cindy Barlow, Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming, offering her dance interpretation of Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors.”
[ As an arrangement of the song plays, a nervous Cindy, dressed in rainbow spandex, twirls some rainbow ribbons on a stick. She fumbles, and accidentally destroys one of the sticks. She runs off stage, sobbing. ]
Michael Gross: Gee, that was a shame! She was doing so well! All right, let’s hope that Miss Self-Esteem Georgia fares better, as she delivers her dramatic interpretation of Nora’s climatic speech from A Doll’s House, Henrik Ibsen’s classic story of one woman’s struggle for her identity.
Blaire Dixon: [ on the floor, in costume as her character ] I believe that, before anything else, I’m a human being … [ stands up ] … just as much as you are. Or at least, I’m going to try to turn myself into one. I know most people would say you were right, Torvald, and I know you’d be backed up by all sorts of books! But what most people say, and what you find in books, it just doesn’t satisfy me anymore! I want to seek everything out for myself … and I want to make my own decisions! [ Fanfare; she bows and walks to Michael ]
Michael Gross: Blaire Dixon, Miss Self-Esteem Georgia! Blair, it looks like you really put a lot of work into that interpretation.
Blaire Dixon: Well, thank you. I believe that hard work is a way of saying I care about myself. I care enough to take pride in whatever goal I set for myself, [ glances at the judges ] and that is why I put in over TWELVE HUNDRED HOURS rehearsing Nora’s admonition to Torvald. Thank you! [ walks away ]
Michael Gross: Wow! She was prepared! Okay, now Denise O’Donnell, Miss Self-Esteem New York, will play “Jingle Bells” on the xylophone.
[ Denise, wearing a skimpy red sequined skirt and matching top, plays the first part in G ]
Denise O’Donnell: Key change … [ finishes the song in C. Wild applause! ]
Michael Gross: Denise O’Donnell, Miss Self-Esteem New York! Denise O’Donnell! [ she walks over to him ] Very nice. Denise, how long have you been playing the xylophone?
Denise O’Donnell: Oh, about five years now. But uh, you know, I don’t take it too serious, I mean, like I’m gonna be a professional xylophone player? I play for fun. I mean, that’s what it’s all about, right?
Michael Gross: Are you ever! Huh? [ applause, she walks away ] Now that is self-esteem! She plays terribly, and yet she feels great about herself! Huh? [ Blaire re-emerges in her blue gown ]
Blaire Dixon: That’s not, that’s not self-esteem! No one with self-esteem would come out and do that! She played the xylophone and she was awful! And I practiced over twelve hundred hours on my speech —
Michael Gross: [ interrupts her ] Please, Miss Self-Esteem Georgia —
Blaire Dixon: Well, I did! I did — [ storms off ]
Michael Gross: — we have to move on now to our final category. Okay, here’s where we ask each of our finalists a question to test her poise and self-esteem. First, we have Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming, Cindy Barlow. [ she re-emerges in her pink dress, still trying not to cry ] Cindy, that was too bad about the talent competition. But don’t worry — the question-and-answer category is worth twice as much.
Cindy Barlow: Twice as much? Nobody told me that.
Michael Gross: Well anyway, here’s your question: what three things in life are you most proud of?
Cindy Barlow: My boyfriend … and … my self-esteem … and … my boyfriend … [ runs off-stage, sobbing ]
Michael Gross: Oh gee, that’s too bad! All right — next is Miss Self-Esteem Georgia, Blaire Dixon! [ she comes back out ] Blaire wants to be a mother and a pop psychologist.
Blaire Dixon: That’s right, Michael.
Michael Gross: Okay. Blair, in the evening gown competition, you said that you could love others only if you could love yourself. Why?
Blaire Dixon: [ trying hard to look confident ] In the evening gown competition, I said that I could love others only if I love myself because, if I do not love myself then I cannot love others, but because I’m capable of loving myself, I do have the capability, you know, of loving others … because I love myself.
Michael Gross: All right! And finally, Miss Self-Esteem New York, Denise O’Donnell! [ Denise re-emerges, in a proper green gown this time ] Denise, the Rabbi Hillel said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am for myself alone, who am I?” What do you think Hillel meant by that?
Denise O’Donnell: Well I guess when he says if, uh, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me,” he could be talking about this girl in my neighborhood, Donna? Well, she married this alcoholic, and she does whatever this guy says. She doesn’t stand up for herself. And uh, when he says um, “If I am for myself alone, who am I,” he could be talking about her husband Duke, who’s a real, totally selfish pig. [ to camera ] That’s right, Duke, you are a totally selfish pig! Um, and I guess, Hillel?
Michael Gross: Right.
Denise O’Donnell: Um, Hillel wants us to live like my friend Brenda — she always knew what she wanted to be, and she’s an x-ray technician. And she always wanted to be that. And she helps people, and she’s real happy. And I hope that I’m like Brenda. Thank you. [ Applause ]
Michael Gross: Boy, Denise, you are amazing! Isn’t she? All right!
[ Denise, Blaire and Cindy line up next to each other ]
Michael Gross: Well — I’m tellin’ ya, you could cut the suspense in this room with a knife, huh? Well, while the judges tally their final results, let’s take our final look at our three finalists. Cindy Barlow, Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming … [ she’s still crying ] … Blaire Dixon, Miss Self-Esteem Georgia … [ she briefly sneers at Denise ] … and Denise O’Donnell, Miss Self-Esteem New York. All right, I think our judges are just about finished tallying up their results — [ they give him a piece of paper ] — and let’s see what we have here. [ Drumroll ] The first runner-up … the first runner-up … hold on a second … let’s go with the second runner-up first, huh? The second runner-up is Miss Self-Esteem Wyoming, Cindy Barlow! [ she is handed a bouquet and escorted to center stage. Denise tries to hug Blair, but Blaire pushes her away, still trying to maintain a smile ] All right! And now it’s down to these two. Before I announce the first runner-up, I wanna emphasize how important she is. Because, should our winner lose her self-esteem, and thus become unable to fulfill her duties, the first runner-up will assume the title of Miss Self-Esteem USA. [ Drumroll ] The first runner-up is … Miss Self-Esteem Georgia! [ Blaire storms off-stage ] The new Miss Self-Esteem USA is Miss Self-Esteem New York, Denise O’Donnell! [ the contestants gather around her and give her a bouquet and tiara ] All right! Denise, before you take your victory promenade, is there anything you’d like to say?
Denise O’Donnell: Um, yeah, I would actually. You know, I really don’t need this award to make me feel any better about myself, but I think Miss Georgia could really use it, so I would like to give it to her.
Michael Gross: Oh, you are amazing! That is — [ Blaire comes back and snatches the bouquet; Denise gives her the tiara ] Judges? Can — can they do that? Aww — no, you can’t do that. I’m sorry. [ Blaire hands back the bouquet and walks off in disgust ] Well, Denise, it’s time for your victory promenade, and the Miss Self-Esteem song, sung by Mr. Jamie Farr. Jamie?
[ Denise walks and blows kisses as Jamie sings ]
Jamie Farr: [ singing ] She believes in herself, But she’s not stuck-up at all. She’s a winner, though she may fall, To pick herself up and pursue her dream. Because she knows, She’s Miss Self-Esteem!
[ SUPER: “Jan Hooks and Phil Hartman in: ‘Love is a Dream'” ]
[ open on elderly Janice walking into a bank, let inside by Phillip thesecurity guard. She sits at a table to examine the contents of her safety deposit box, one of which is a tiara. She places it on her head, and suddenly, she is young again. She is approached by a young Phillip, who takes her hand and begins to dance with her. ]
Phillip: [ singing ] “Love is a dream, yet it’s so real. Hard to explain, just how you feel. Deep in your heart, joy seems to dwell. Like poets say, it’s perfectly swell.”
[ Janice dances with Phillip ]
Janice: [ singing ] “In every step, of this old dance, There is delight, love and romance. If you are the one, give me the few, And I am sure there’s no one like you. You are all I dream. You are a part of my heart and esteem. And since I’ve met you, Now I know that dreams do come true.”
[ they walk hand-in-hand between soldiers holding their swords up high ]
Phillip: [ singing ] “Love is a dream, yet it’s so real. Hard to explain, just how you feel. Deep in your heart, joy seems to dwell. Like poets say, it’s perfectly swell.”
[ Janice returns to the table, takes off her trinkets, puts them back in the box, and leaves the safe. As she leaves, she turns around to see an older Phillip silently saying goodbye. She blows a kiss and departs, knowing that dreams do come true. ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 21st, 1989 John Malkovich Anita Baker None None Christine Zander Tom Davis Bush’s Super Bowl CallRecurring Characters: President George Bush, Ronald Reagan, Marv Albert.
Montage
John Malkovich’s MonologueBio: John Malkovich (1953-). Actor; films include: “Places in the Heart” (1984), “Dangerous Liaisons” (1988), “Of Mice and Men” (1992), “In the Line of Fire” (1993), and “Being John Malkovich” (1999). Also Hosted: 93d.
First Citiwide Change Bank ISummary: Bank representative Paul McElroy (Jim Downey) explains the process by which First Citiwide is able to distribute nothing but loose change. Repeat from: 88a.
Nancy Reagan Leaves The White HouseRecurring Characters: Barbara Bush, Nancy Reagan.
First Citiwide Change Bank IISummary: More testimonials from customers who were glad to be able to acquire exact change when they needed it most. Repeat from: 88a.
AttitudesRecurring Characters: Linda Dano, Nancy Glass.
Gary Busey Motorcycle HelmetsRecurring Characters: Gary Busey.
Anita Baker performs “Giving You The Best That I Got”First Performed: 86p.
Mocking Lord EdmundSummary: Snooty Lord Edmund (John Malkovich) accuses his servants of mocking him behind his back. Transcript
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dan Quayle, Sandra Day O’Connor, Marilyn Quayle.
Lady Tewksbury…..Jan Hooks Lord Edmund…..John Malkovich Servant #1…..Jon Lovitz Servant #2…..Dana Carvey Doorman…..Tom Davis Royal Artist…..Phil Hartman Nigel the Groundskeeper…..Mike Myers
[ SUPER: “Brighton House – Sussex, England 1635 ]
[ Lady Tewksbury enters Lord Edmund’s sitting room to talk with him ]
Lady Tewksbury: Edmund! Finally we are together. I have a long-lost resort to speak my deepest secret. Oh, my God, Edmund, I love thee. I do so love thee!
Lord Edmund: You mock me.
Lady Tewksbury: Edmund, nothing could be further from the truth! I adore you.. I worship you!
Lord Edmund: You mock me.
Lady Tewksbury: Mock you? Why, Edmund.. how could I mock no noble and honorable a man? A man so completely unworthy of mockery.
Lord Edmund: [ stands ] If you truly love me, then why do you insist on mocking me so?! Now! Away with you!! Go on, go! Leave at once!
Lady Tewksbury: [ in tears ] Very well! But if you will not requieth my love.. I shall kill myself!
Lord Edmund: You mock me! [ chases her out ] And I will NOT be mocked!! [ pauses in anger ] The insolence and bold affrontary! [ walks forward, never suspecting that his Servants are imitating his walk in a fit of mockery behind his back ] She was mocking me, was she not?
Servant #1: Oh, yes, your Lord. [ Servant #2 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #1 speaks ] I was crimson with rage and egregious impertinence of her bold ignorance! [ to Servant #2 ] Would you promise?
Servant #2: Oh, yes.. [ Servant #1 mocks Lord Edmund behind his back as Servant #2 speaks ] ..the brazen audacity of her tongue was surpassed only by her derisive hauture!
Lord Edmund: I thought so.
Doorman: My Lord! The Royal Artist has completed his portrait of your Lordship, he seeks your approval.
Lord Edmund: Show him in.
Royal Artist: [ enters with painting ] Master, I humbly present the fruit of two years’ labor.. [ displays painting ] The Royal Portrait!
Lord Edmund: [ examines it disapprovingly ]
Royal Artist: My Lord is not pleased with the portrait?
Lord Edmund: You mock me.
Royal Artist: My Lordship, quite the contrary.. The portrait celebrates your noble bearing! I put you in uniform to capture the lion heart that beats within your heroic breasts!
Lord Edmund: Will this mockery never cease? Away with you. If there is one thing I cannot abide, it is being mocked! now, go! And take your grotesque caricature with you! [ runs Royal Artist out, as the Servants mock his running ] I will not be mocked!! [ walks across the room, as the Servants continue to mock his movements ] Was I wrong?
Servant #1: Heavens no, your Highness. His most contempt was rendering. The talks on canvas. Wouldn’t you say so, Thomas?
Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes, yes.. The affrontary of his derisive painting was surpassed only by his brazen gall!
Lord Edmund: Exactly!
Doorman: My Lord, Nigel the Groundskeeper seeks a word with you.
Lord Edmund: If he must..
Nigel the Groundskeeper: [ runs in ] Excuse me, Squire, I hate to bother you, but we’ve been having some problems with some poachers. We’ve noticed twelve wild pigs missing, and several pheasants as well. I would like to request a detachment of your guards to help find the trespassers.
Lord Edmund: You mock me.
Nigel the Groundskeeper: I’m sorry, Squire?
Lord Edmund: You.. mock.. me.
Nigel the Groundskeeper: As.. I was saying, Squire, if we could deal with this poacher matter, then..
Lord Edmund: I find it most baffling that one so low would hope to gain from mocking one so high!
Nigel the Groundskeeper: Excuse me, Squire.. I don’t mean to talk out of turn, but with respect to this mockery, sir, I would imagine if anyone was mocking you, it would be the poachers themselves..
Lord Edmund: They mock me! But not to my face! Now, away with you!!
Nigel the Groundskeeper: Right away, Squire! [ runs out ]
Lord Edmund: [ chases him out ] I will not be mocked!! [ walks around, as the Servants continue to mock him ] I grow weary.. [ looks out the window ] The moon is out. I say, the moon is out, and yet it is day. The moon mocks me.. and I will not be mocked!
Servant #1: Yes, yes! The crescent moon lets its lunar contempt be seen for what it is – a brazen canopy of affrontary! Thomas?
Servant #2: Oh, yes, yes, of course! The impudence of the moon’s bold audacity!
Lord Edmund: [ walks away, as the Servants mock him behind his back ] I will retire now to my chamber, where there are only my bed and my dreams to mock me. [ exits room ]
[ the Servants starts mimicing Lord Edmund’s every expression ]
Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”
Servant #1: “You mock me!”
Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”
Servant #1: “You mock me!”
Servant #2: “I will not be mocked!”
Servant #1: “You mock me!”
[ Lord Edmund re-enters unnoticed to gather his smoking jacket, watching sadly as the Servants mock him ]
Jesus Christ CelebrityRecurring Characters: Jesus.
John Hiatt performs “Paper Thin”Bio: John Hiatt (1952-). Rock guitarist; as a songwriter, he penned the song “Sure As I’m Sitting Here”, which charted by Three Dog Night in 1974; gained prominent success with the release of his eighth album, “Bring the Family”, in 1987.
As World TurnRecurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.
Maydenform
Sing Along With Tonto, Tarzan & FrankensteinSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon), and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) perform their rendition of “Oh, Suzanna”. Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Jeanne Dixon, Stuart Rankin.
Air Date:
