Category: 1988

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 15

88o: Mary Tyler Moore / Elvis Costello

The Sweeney Sisters

Candy Sweeney…..Jan Hooks
Liz Sweeeny…..Nora Dunn
Audrey Sweeney…..Mary Tyler Moore

[ open on Holiday Inn lobby, sign announces that the Sweeney Sisters will be singing tonight at 7pm and 9pm. Slow pan left to the elevator doors, which they step out of. ]

Candy Sweeney: Hello! Looks like it’s gonna be a nice crowd!

Liz Sweeney: Yeah, I think playing the Lobby is a good idea. We’re gonna get a lot of walk-in business.

Candy Sweeney: You bet.

Audrey Sweeney: [ steps up by surprise ] Hi!

Candy Sweeney: Audrey!

Liz Sweeney: Audrey!

Candy Sweeney: Audrey, what are you doing here?

Audrey Sweeney: Well, can’t I come see my baby sisters perform?

Liz Sweeney: [ confused ] Did we send you a flyer?

Candy Sweeney: Wait a minute.. did you leave Frank again? Audrey is silent ] Uh-oh..

Liz Sweeney: Oh, boy.. I think we’d better sit down a minute and pow-wow.

Candy Sweeney: [ raises hand ] And how!

[ they all laugh as they sit down ]

Audrey Sweeney: Candy, you are still a laugh riot! [ laughs ]

Candy Sweeney: Guilty!

Audrey Sweeney: Frank and I never laugh anymore. He lost another job, fooling around.. I’ve left him for good this time.

Liz Sweeney: That’s why I married my music.

Candy Sweeney: I’m with Liz. When I feel those lights on my face and that mike in my hands, and the waves of love rolling in from the audience, and then that splitter-splutter of applause when it’s over. Now, that – that is a relationship.

Liz Sweeney: Why don’t you sing with us tonight?

Audrey Sweeney: Oh, no!

Candy Sweeney: Yeah, yeah! Come on!

Audrey Sweeney: I’m not a singer anymore – you are! You stuck with it, and.. boy, look where you are now.. Besides, my pipes are pretty rusty. [ demonstrates a half-decent singing voice ] No, no.. you go ahead!

[ Liz and Candy grab their microphones and step onto the stage in the middle Candy Sweeney: Hi, everybody, welcome to the Holiday Inn. We’re so happy to see you. I’m Candy Sweeney.

Liz Sweeney: And I’m Liz Sweeney.

Candy Sweeney: And we’re..

Liz & Candy: ..The Sweeney Sisters!

[ the elevator chimes, as people step out ]

Candy Sweeney: You must have pressed “L”, for “Lobby.” Join us,please. [ the people sit down ] You know, isn’t our room great here at the Holiday Inn?

Liz Sweeney: It sure is. We each get our own double bed.

Candy Sweeney: Yeah! And every room has HBO.

Liz Sweeney: Yes! HBO, yes.

Candy Sweeney: You know, last night I was watching “The Terminator”..

Liz Sweeney: I thought she was snoring!

Candy Sweeney: What?!

[ they laugh gleefully ]

Liz Sweeney: [ points to Audrey ] That’s for you!

Candy Sweeney: No, but seriously, remember the ice machines are on every floor on the West Wing.

Liz Sweeney: Yes. Take only what you need, remember your neighbors want soft drinks as well.

Candy Sweeney: Yes.

[ the music picks up, and they start to sing ]

Liz & Candy: “We are fam-i-ly!
I got all my sisters with me!”

Candy Sweeney: Wait a minute.. wait a minute, we are family tonight. We’ve got our sister Audrey in the audience with us. [ Audrey blows them a kiss ] Hello! Yeah. And, you know, Audrey is having a little man trouble, seems we’d better give her a lift.

Liz Sweeney: Let’s do.

Liz & Candy: [ singing ]
“The road gets rougher
It’s lonelier and tougher
The nights grow colder
and suddenly you’re older
And all because of the man that got away-ay-ay..”

Liz Sweeney: “A-way we were-re-re..” Thank you.

Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]
“Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Do you know where you’re going to?
Do.. you.. know?“

Liz Sweeney: [ singing ]
“Do you know the way to San Jose?”

Candy Sweeney: “Wo-wo wo-wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo-wo!”

Liz Sweeney: She’d better know the way to Reno!

Candy Sweeney: Uh-oh! [ singing ]
“Her D-I-V-O-R-C-E
becomes final today!”

Liz & Candy: “Me and little J-O-E
will be going away-ay!“

Liz Sweeney: “A-way we were-re-re..”

Candy Sweeney: “One less.. bell to answer.”

Liz Sweeney: “One less.. egg to fryyyyyyyy..”

[ Audrey pulls a microphone out of purse and stands triumphantly below the stage ]

Audrey Sweeney: [ singing ]
“One less man.. to pick up after!”

Candy Sweeney: Yes! [ singing ] “No more laughter..”

Liz & Candy: “No more lo-o-o-o-o-ovvvvvve..”

[ Audrey joins them on stage ]

Candy Sweeney: “At first, I was afraid
I was pretrified!”

Liz Sweeney: “Kept thinking I could never live without him by my side.”

Audrey Sweeney: “But, then, I spent so many nights just thinking how he’d done me wrong
And I grew strong!”

Liz & Candy: “And you learned how to get alongggggg..”

Audrey Sweeney: But wait! [ singing softly ]
Fish gotta swim
Birds gotta fly.
I gotta love one man ’til I die
Can’t stop loving that man.. of mine!”

Candy Sweeney: [ taps Audrey’s shoulder ] Hey!

Liz & Candy: “You gotta wash that man right out of your hair!”

Audrey Sweeney: I know it!

Liz & Candy: “You better wash that man right out of your hair!”

Audrey Sweeney: You’re right!

Liz & Candy: “And then send him on his wa-ay-ay!”

Liz Sweeney: “His way we were-re-re..”

Candy Sweeney: Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring!

Audrey Sweeney: [ singing ]
“Let it please be him
Oh, dear God, it must be him
It must be him, or I will die..”

Liz & Candy: “No, you won’t die-ie-ie-ie!”

Candy Sweeney: Skip! [ the music stops ] I’m gonna bring the room down for a minute..
[ whispering ] “Hit the road, Jack.
Don’t you come back no more, no more, no more, no more!
Hit the road, Jack”

[ a man gets up and exits the lobby ]

“And don’t you come back.. no more.”

Audrey Sweeney: Thanks, Sis!

Candy Sweeney: You bet!

Audrey Sweeney: “He keep saying he’s got something for me.”

Liz Sweeney: Here we go.

Candy Sweeney: Ha!

Audrey Sweeney: “Something he calls love, but confess!”

Liz Sweeney: Come with me!

Candy Sweeney: Alright!

Liz Sweeney: “He’s been messin’ where he shouldn’ta been a-messin’!”

Candy Sweeney: “And now someone else is gettin’ all his best!”

Together: “These boots are made for walkin’
And that’s just what they’ll do!
One of these days these boots are gonna..”

Candy Sweeney: Walk!

Liz Sweeney: Walk!

Audrey Sweeney: Walk?

Candy Sweeney: Clang!

Liz Sweeney: What?

Audrey Sweeney: Clang!

Together: Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!
[ singing ]
“Clang-clang-clang went the trolley!
Ding-ding-ding went the bell!”

Liz Sweeney: Here we go now!

Together: “We are fam-i-ly!
I’ve got all my sistersw with me!
We’re.. Sweeney.. three-ee-ee-ee-ee!”
Yeah!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


April 1st, 1989

Mel Gibson

Living Colour

None

Danny Glover

Cheryl Hardwick

Bonnie Turner

Christine Zander
Rain ManTranscript

Montage

Mel Gibson’s MonologueBio: Mel Gibson (1956-). Actor/director; film series include: “Mad Max” (1979), “Lethal Weapon” (1987); Academy Award winner for Best Director for “Braveheart” (1996); also directed: “Passion of the Christ” (2004); has a reputation as a practical joker on the sets of his films.

Transcript

Tales of RibaldryRecurring Characters: Evelyn Quince.

Transcript

Exxon School of Supertanker Steering

Cooking with the Anal-Retentive ChefRecurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

Transcript

Sheriff Josh Acid

Living Colour performs “Cult of Personality”Bio: English heavy metal band; members: Corey Glover, Vernon Reid, Mulzz Skillings, Will Calhoun.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

Mel Gibson: Dream GynecologistTranscript

Lethal Weapon VIBio: Danny Glover (1946-). Actor; co-stars with Mel Gibson as Sgt. Roger Murtaugh in the “Lethal Weapon” film series.

As World TurnRecurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Living Colour performs “Open Letter To A Landlord”

Belated Easter GreetingsSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon), Frankenstein (Phil Hartman), and Frankenstein’s Evil Twin (Mel Gibson) sing “Peter Cottontail”.

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88p: Mel Gibson / Living Colour

Cooking with The Anal Retentive Chef

Gene…..Phil Hartman

[ open on the Anal Retentive Chef’s tidy kitchen ]

Gene: Hello! And welcome to “The Anal Retentive Chef”! I’m Gene. Today, we’re going to be making Pepper Steak. Now, you’re going to need: one large bell pepper, three onions, exactly two inches in diameter, and 17 1/3 ounces of lean beef cut into 43 pieces. Okay, let’s get started. Now, I’ve already cut up my bell pepper. Look at this. [ holds up bowl ] Isn’t this nice? See how all the pieces are the same size? People try to tell you that the secret to Pepper Steak is the seasoning – but we know differently, don’t we? Uh-huh. It’s getting all the pieces the same size. And that’s what I’ve done here. Beauti.. uh-oh! [ pulls out piece of pepper ] This one’s a little bigger than the rest, so we’ll just discard that one.. [ pulls out another piece ] And I don’t think this little wrinkly one belongs in here.. [ pulls out another ] And this.. well, I just don’t like the look of that one at all. Alright.. as a matter of fact, why don’t we just start over and throw this out? [ places bowl on counter ]

And how do we throw things out? Okay. We take our paper towel, two pieces, unbroken, lat it out neatly, dump the refuse inside, arranged neatly.. [ assembles the garbage ] ..let’s take these little nasties we separated earlier, put that back.. fold over carefully, making sure the corners are square.. and.. we take a piece of aluminum foil, and we place our refuse onto the foil, and fold over very carefully – this way, it won’t leak onto the other garbage. Aluminum foil is such a miracle product! It’s really an extraordinary product. Alright, and then we take a brown, paper sandwich bag.. [ opens bag ] ..place the refuse inside.. [ drops it in ] ..and.. oh no, this bag is torn.. [ looks around ] Well.. no, that’s alright. We’ll just fold over, and no will see. We’ll fold it over twice to be careful.. then we get our tape. [ grabs tape, which is naturally covered in a cozy ] And, we tape it shut – be very careful to center the tape on the bag. I like to keep my tape dispenser right here on the counter. There we go! [ holds up bag ] All ready for the trash. Now that’s some garbage you can live with! [ laughs ] Alright, I noticed some of you were admiring my tape dispenser cozy. Isn’t that pretty? I made it myself, out of toothpicks, felt, plain old buckroom, a couple of pearl buttons sand some eyelets. Now, isn’t that better than looking at an old tape dispenser? I think so! Alright. Let’s set this over here. [ places tape dispenser onto the counter next to the sink, behind him ]

Okay, where were we? We were going to dice the bell pepper. But.. oh.. [ thinking ] ..so, we’re going to need our chopping block.. [ pulls it out ] But we can’t put that down, because there’s some water there from the bell pepper, so let’s clean that up. As a matter of fact, this stovetop could use a lick and a promise while we’re at it! So, how do we clean? We take our bucket.. but, first, let’s remove the food products, because we don’t want to get any caustic substances onthe food, of course. [ places food products on the counter next to the sink, behind him ] Place these neatly in the background – this floor will be cleaned later. Okay, so we’re ready to clean. [ pulls up mop bucket ] We’ve got our glove, to protect us – we don’t want to ruin our manicure. And we’ve got a clean white cloth, and abrasive cleanser – none of that non-abrasive cleanser for us, it’s good old-fashioned cleanser. That’ll get us started, I think I’ll clean these cabinets while I’m at it. And, oh! Look at this. [ points to the stove ] Aluminum foil is filthy! I’m going to have to replace that. So, we might as well pull that up right now. [ closing music pots up ] I don’t when I cleaned that up last, I’d hate to think.. And, God knows what those mopboards look like. But! We start at the top, and clean down, so as not to drip..

Announcer: This has been “Cooking With The Anal Retentive Chef”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88p: Mel Gibson / Living Colour

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist

Colleen…..Jan Hooks
Secretary…..Victoria Jackson
Other Patient…..Bonnie Turner
Dream Gynecologist…..Mel Gibson
Miss Stevenson…..Christine Zander
Mrs. Scott…..Nora Dunn
Dr. Green…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on a larger than necessary group of women sitting in a waiting room ]

Colleen: I’m Colleen Walsh, and I have a 10 o’clock appointment with the doctor. I’m a new patient.

Secretary: Take a number.

Colleen: Take a number? Wow.. Okay. [ takes number and sits down ]

Secretary: [ answers phone ] Yes? No, I’m sorry, the doctor’sbooked solid. No, I wouldn’t advise just coming and waiting. No, wenever get a cancellation. [ hangs up ]

Colleen: Boy, this doctor’s busy, huh?

Other Patient: Oh, yeah.

Colleen: I hope I don’t have to wait long, or I know I’ll chicken out. I hate going to the gynecologist, don’t you?

Other Patient: [ shakes head ] Not really.

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: [ steps out of his office ] Uh.. Miss Stevenson?

[ title graphic appears over Mel Gibson ]

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: And now, another episode of MelGibson: Dream Gynecologist.

[ Miss Stevenson brushes her hair before approaching the doctor ]

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: I hope you didn’t have to waittoo long.

Miss Stevenson: Oh, no, not at all! [ hurries into the office ]

Colleen: [ looking on ] Oh.

[ Mrs. Scott exits the doctor’s office, looking wholly fulfilled, andrushes to the Secretary’s station ]

Mrs. Scott: I’d like to book my next appointment now, please.

Secretary: Good idea, Mrs. Scott. Okay, the doctor can see youin six months..

Mrs. Scott: No! Next week!

Secretary: [ sighing ] Please, Mrs. Scott. We go through thisevery time.

Mrs. Scott: I need another breast exam!

Secretary: You just had one.

Mrs. Scott: I’m extremely cautious!

Secretary: Okay, look – September 4th, six months from now. Take it or leave it.

Mrs. Scott: Alright, alright.. [ exits the lobby ]

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: [ stepping out ] Ladies, I just.. [ all the women moan and sigh ] I just want ot say, I’m sorry we’re running a little late today. It seems we’re running late every day. I just didn’t foresee the practice growing this quickly..

Women: That’s okay.. that’s okay..

Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist: So today I’ve added a new doctor.. Dr. Green.. [ Dr. Green steps out ] ..Dr. Green will be available for anybody who would like to see him, and you can avoid me. So, just feel free to give your name to him.. [ retreats to his office ]

Dr. Green: Next. [ no response ] Well.. I’ll, uh.. be in my office all afternoon..

Announcer: Join us next week for Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88p: Mel Gibson / Living Colour

Mel Gibson’s Monologue

…..Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson: Thank you very much for that! It’s great to be here. Actually, it’s kind of weird to be here, I’m not really accustomed to doing TV. Uh, see, basically I’m a movie star. But that’s a great job, though – you travel around the world, you work with beautiful women, you drive fast cars, and they pay you ridiculous amounts of money.

And this is the good bit – this part will really kill you – I don’t have to work very hard. And it’s fun. I do my own stunts. If you see my character jump from a building, hey that’s me; and when you see me land, that’s the stunt man.

Now, before I was a movie star, I had other jobs, you know, low-paying, menial jobs. And I can tell you the best job I ever had was being a professional movie star. Because, as a movie star, I get paid a ridiculous amount of money and I don’t have to work that hard. So, to sum it all up, being a movie star – high reward, low effort. Now, for this show, I’m getting paid next to nothing, and it’s been a tremendous amount of hard work, so right away I know I don’t like television. And, as I stand here, I realize that, in a live broadcast like this, something could go terribly wrong, and I could end up alienating millions of movie-going patrons.

Basically, hosting “Saturday Night Live” is, for me – high risk, low reward. As opposed to movies, which is, once again – high reward, low effort. And you may be wondering why I would jeopardize all that I have worked for.. [ laughs ] ..well, actually, it’s just fallen into my lap.

Is it because I want to stretch as an actor? No, no, that would be work. Is it because I really love comedy? Well, no, no, not particularly. So why did I agree to host this show? Because sometimes I just don’t think things through. I mean, if someone calls and says, “Hey, you wanna host ‘Saturday Night Live’?”, I say, “Sure!” without even considering the potentially disastrous effect on my real job – a movie star.

So, if tonight I should appear inadequate, ordinary, not larger-than-life, or, at worst, un-movie star-like, just say to yourslef, “Hey, he might not be a great TV star, but I just can’t wait to see him in “Lethal Weapon 6”.

Well, we’ve got a great show tonight, and Danny Glover is here – he is. And I can tell you, because I talked to him, that he feels pretty much the way that I do about all this. Living Colour is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88p: Mel Gibson / Living Colour

Rain Man

Doctor…..Kevin Nealon
Raymond Babbitt…..Dana Carvey
Pete Rose…..Phil Hartman
Charlie Babbitt…..Ben Stiller

[ SUPER: “Wallbrook Sanatorium, Cincinnati, Ohio” ]

Doctor: Raymond? Your friend is here to see you.

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, yeah.. definitely 3:30.. yeah, yeah.. definitely time to see my friend.. definitely 3:30..

Doctor: [ facing the hall ] Alright, you can come in now.

Pete Rose: Hi, Raymond.

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah..

Pete Rose: It’s me, Pete.

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, yeah, Pete.. yeah, Pete Rose.. yeah, definitely.. yeah, yeah, Pete Rose.. yeah, definitely Pete Rose.. definiytely Charlie Hustle, 3:30..

Pete Rose: [ sitting ] Alright, alright, great. Alright, Raymond, here’s your cheese balls, now what have you got for me on opening day?

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. yeah.. opening day, Kansas Stadium, opening day.. yeah, yeah.. you’re up against a left-hander on artificial turf.. yeah, yeah.. 21 to 9.. left-hander on artificlal turf, yeah..

Pete Rose: Are you sure?

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, sure.. yeah.. of course, I’m an excellent driver..

Pete Rose: Good, good, okay, Raymond, what else you got?

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, yeah.. definitely San Diego Padres over Cincinnati.. yeah.. yeah, Cincinnati.. yeah, definitely Padres is a very strong road team.. 52 and 29 last year on the road.. yeah, Padres over Cincinnati..

Pete Rose: Uh.. that’s okay, Raymond, I can’t bet against my own team, they’d ban me from baseball forever.

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, yeah, sure thing.. Padres over Cincinnati.. yeah, sure thing, definitely.. definitely..

Pete Rose: Definitely?

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. definitely Padres over Cincinnati.. sure thing, yeah.. don’t wuss out.. yeah.. yeah, definitely sure thing..

Pete Rose: Okay.. maybe I’ll just lay down a grand on that.

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, smart bet.. Charlie Hustle’s a smart man.. course, course, it’s against the rules of baseball.. yeah, violation of Major Leage Baseball rules.. Section 2, article 4..

Pete Rose: Alright, alright.. look, Raymond – there have been some links to the press about my gambling, and if people found out about it, it would be very, very bad. Now, you haven’t spoken to anyone about this, have you?

Raymond Babbitt: Uh-oh!

Pete Rose: [ panicking ] What’s that, what’s..?

Raymond Babbitt: Uh-oh!

Pete Rose: Wha, what do you mean? You spoke to someone?

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah!

Pete Rose: You told them I was gambling?!

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah!

Pete Rose: Raymond, no!

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. definitely gotta watch Wopner.. Wopner, yeah.. definitely Judge Wopner, yeah..

Pete Rose: Raymond, who have you talked to?!

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. Sports Illustrated.. yeah, definitely Sports Illustrated, March 27th, 1989 issue, page 13, column 3.. quote an unnamed source said that Rose had definitely bet on exactly 562 baseball games.. earned $61,405.31.. yeah, definitely 31 cents..

Pete Rose: [ gasps ] Oh, God.. who else?!

Raymond Babbitt: Baseball Commissioner Pete Uberoff, yeah.. yeah, had to tell him.. had to tell Uberoff..

Pete Rose: Raymond, no! Who else?! Who else?!

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah, Cooperstown Hall of Fame.. yeah.. yeah, Cooperstown Hall of Fame, New York.. they weren’t happy, definitely let down..

Pete Rose: Raymond, you big moron! You ruined my whole career, damn you and your stupid cheese balls! [ grabs bag and throws it to the floor, cheese balls bouncing everywhere ]

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. definitely 87 cheese balls.. yeah.. yeah.. 87.. definitely 87..

Pete Rose: Raymond, I oughtta murder you! [ grabs Raymond’s neck ]

Raymond Babbitt: Ow! Ow! Ow!

[ Doctor rushes in with Charlie Babbitt ]

Charlie Babbitt: Raymond?! Raymond?!

Raymond Babbitt: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Charlie Babbitt is here.. Charlie Babbitt..

Charlie Babbitt: What is this, you can’t touch my brother!

Pete Rose: Stay the hell out of this, Babbitt!

Raymond Babbitt: Charlie Babbitt’s my brother.. Charlie Hustle’s my friend.. yeah..

Charlie Babbitt: Who is this guy? He’s my brother, alright? I went on the road with him.. we went to Vegas, alright? He counted cards for me. He’s grown more in the week he’s spent with me than in all the years he’s spent here!

Pete Rose: Hey, listen, Babbitt, he’s grown more in the past year helping me bet on baseball games than he did in the week counting cards with you!

Doctor: Actually, you’re both wrong. He’s grown more in the past eight years speculating in gold futures for me than he’s spent with either one of you.

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. yeah.. yeah..

Charlie Babbitt: Look, Raymond, Raymond.. just tell them who you want to be with!

Pete Rose: Yeah, tell him, Raymond!

Doctor: Go ahead, Raymond!

Raymond Babbitt: Yeah.. yeah.. what’s on first, who’s on second.. Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Yeah.. yeah, “Live, from New York, it’s definitely Saturday Night..”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 19th, 1988

John Lithgow

Tracy Chapman

None

G.E. Smith

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Conan O’Brien
The Oprah Winfrey ShowRecurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey.

Montage

John Lithgow’s MonologueSummary: John Lithgow makes sarcastic comments about Thanksgiving and plays a guitar tune with G.E. Smoth.

First Hosted: 85d.

Long White Beard

St. Bernard’s ChurchSummary: A priest (John Lithgow) solemnly hears confessions from dog parishioners.

Master ThespianRecurring Characters: Master Thespian, Baudelaire.

Tracy Chapman perform “Mountains O’ Things”Bio: Tracy Chapman (1964-). Singer-songwriter; romantically involved with author Alice Walker in the mid-1990’s.

Also Performed: 89i.

The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens, Margaret Thatcher.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart.

The AlamoRecurring Characters: Tarzan

Tracy Chapman perform “Freedom Now” & “Baby, Can I Hold You”

Keister Family ThanksgivingRecurring Characters: Marge Keister, Don Keister, Susan Keister.

Skeleton Phobia

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


December 3rd, 1988

Danny DeVito

The Bangles

None

Arnold Schwartzenegger

Joe Dicso

Tom Davis

Conan O’Brien
Pumping Up With Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Transcript

Montage

Danny DeVito’s MonologueSummary: Because he loves the rush of coming out on stage, Danny DeVito requests the opportunity to do it a second time.

First Hosted: 81s.

Transcript

Big RedTranscript

Sex TonightRecurring Characters: Jessica Hahn, Casey Kasem.

Reclino Love LoungeRecurring Characters: Wilford Brimley.

Bankrupt Scrooge

The Bangles perform “In Your Room”Bio: All-girl folk-rock/jangle pop band out of Los Angeles; members: Susanna Hoffs, Debbi Peterson, Vicki Peterson, Michael Steele.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Yasser Arafat.

You Shot Me!Transcript

The Bastard BattalionTranscript

The Bangles perform “Hazy Shade Of Winter”

Celebrity RestaurantRecurring Characters: Buddy Precisely, Burt Reynolds.

Amateur Guardian Angels

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 7

88g: Danny DeVito / The Bangles

The Bastard Battalion

Soldier #1…..Dana Carvey
Soldier #2…..Jon Lovitz
Hooker…..Jan Hooks
Soldier #3…..Phil Hartman
General…..Danny DeVito

Announcer: From out of the annals of World War II come.. The Bastard Battalion!

[ SUPER: “The Bastard Battalion” ]

They fought among themselves!

Soldier #1: Hey, did you smoke my last cigarette?

Soldier #2: Yeah.. so what?

Soldier #1: You bastard!

Announcer: And they broke a lot of hearts.

[ SUPER: “Broken Hearts” ]

Hooker: An American? Why, you.. bastard!

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion. Their cruelty knew no limits.

[ SUPER: “Unbelievable Cruelty” ]

Soldier #1: Hey, you wanna see a picture of my girlfriend?

Soldier #2: Yeah.. sure. [ looks at photo ] Hey, you! This is my girlfriend! Yoooouu.. bastard!

Announcer: And neither did their passion.

[ SUPER: “Passion” ]

Hooker: [ moaning ] Ohhh.. oh, you bastard..

Announcer: But when it came to the Germans, they stood together.

[ SUPER: “Camaraderie” ]

Soldier #2: Come and get it, you BASTARDS!! [ gunfire blares off ]

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion! Hell hath no fury like a bunch of bastards!

[ SUPER: “Furious Action” ]

Whether they were loving..

Soldier #3: I gotta go back to the front, baby. [ kisses her and pulls himself away ]

Hooker: No. [ cries ] You BA-ASTARD!!

Announcer: ..or dying..

Soldier #2: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Soldier #1: Ohh.. you woke me up, you bastard!

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion! Nothing could stop them!

The Bastard Batallion did it, sir, they broke through!

[ SUPER: “Unstoppable” ]

General: Oh, those bastards! I could kiss each and every one of them hard on the lips!

Announcer: And when the fighting was over, they knew how to kid around.

[ SUPER: “Kidding” ]

[ Soldier drinks from hootch, only to spit it out ]

[ laughter ]

Soldier #2: [ laughing, too ] You bastards!

[ SUPER: “The Bastard Battalion” ]

Announcer: The Bastard Battalion. Because, basically, that’s what they were.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 7

88g: Danny DeVito / The Bangles

Big Red

Dad…..Kevin Nealon
Mom…..Nora Dunn

[ open on boy and girl playing a boring board game ]

Girl: It’s your turn again.

Boy: I wish we had something fun to play with.

[ Big Red crashes through the ceiling ]

Jingle: [ explains the use of the toy ]“Here he comes, from the frozen north
Big Red!

A mighty man from the land of Thor
Big Red!
Big Red!

You pour in the goop
In the helmet thing
But you better watch out
When you pull the string!
Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!

He’s big, big, big!
And he’s red, red, red!
And that’s how he got
to earn the name Big Red!
Big Red!
Big Red!”

[ SUPER: “Caution: May irriate the skin.” ]

Announcer: Big Red, by Bleego, makers of Termite Town.

Clean-up kit sold separately.

SNL Transcripts