Man: Hmm.. Colon Blow. Sounds delicious. But is it really higher in fiber than my oat bran cereal?
Announcer: Take a guess: How many bowls of your oat bran cereal would it take to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Colon Blow?
Man: Two?
Announcer: Guess again.
Man: Three?
Announcer: A little higher.
Man: Four?
Announcer: Keep trying.
Man: Five?
Announcer: No, you’ll have to do better than that.
Man: Seven?
Announcer: Guess again.
Man: Eight?
Announcer: We’ll give you one more guess.
Man: Nine.
Announcer: Not even close. [ table starts shaking ] It would take over 30,000 bowls. [ a giant pyramid of cereal bowls shoots up from under the man, who yells in terror as it rises ] To eat that much oat bran, you’d have to eat ten bowls a day, every day for eight and a half years.
Man: [ after the pyramid settles; shouts from afar ] Wow! I think I get the picture! Colon Blow must be the highest fiber cereal on the market!
Announcer: Not any more, now that there’s new Super Colon Blow.
Man: Super Colon Blow?
[ pyramid rises even higher with the man screaming ]
Announcer: It would take over two and a half million bowls of your oat bran cereal to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Super Colon Blow.
[ pyramid settles ]
Man: [ overwhelmed ]I’m convinced! [ looks down the pyramid in panic ]
[ cut to close-up of bowl with Colon Blow and Super Colon Blow boxes ]
Jingle: “Colon Blow and you-u-u-u in the morning”
Announcer: Colon Blow and new Super Colon Blow.
Voiceover: Warning: may cause abdominal distention. Consult a physician.
Bruce Willis: Hi, I’m Bruce Willis. I, uh.. I wanted to see what this feels like, to be out here and not have anything funny to say at all. I’m gonna be doing this show next week, and, at this time, we do not have anything funny for me to say. We used up a lot of it on this show tonight. But I will be hosting the show next weekend, and I just want to remind all the writers and the people who work on this show, there’s a wonderful party going on later, but uh.. six days from now, we do this show again. Nothing is written, so enjoy the party, but for God’s sakes, try to get home at a reasonable hour, I’ll be here bright and shiny tomorrow morning ready to go to work and looking for many, many funny things to say. Good night, thank you for coming and dressing so well.
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello …..Victoria Jackson …..Kevin Nealon …..Dan Aykroyd …..Tom Hanks …..Steve Martin …..Billy Crystal …..Lorne Michaels …..Chevy Chase …..Jane Curtin …..Garrett Morris
[ open backstage, as Father Guido Sarducci and Nora Dunn pass through the hall ]
Father Guido Sarducci: I can’t believe they won’t-a let me on-a the show just because I don’t have a black tie. I got-a everything black except the tie, you know?
[ they exit the area, as Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson walk into view ]
Victoria Jackson: Gee, Kevin, isn’t this amazing? I’ve never seen so many funny people all in one place.
Kevin Nealon: Yeah, tell me about it.. tell me about it! Look over there, look! Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Dan Aykroyd, Billy Crystal, Tom Hanks!
Victoria Jackson: Wow, talk about your comedy minds.
Kevin Nealon: There must be some major league ripping going on over there.
Victoria Jackson: Yeah!
Kevin Nealon: What I’d give to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!
[ cut to the groups’ conversation ]
Dan Aykroyd: Oh, sure, I was getting gross points, but it was adjusted gross. Based on a 20% distribution fee.
Tom Hanks: No! Oh, wow, wow.. Listen to this: Disney gives me 50% of the net, but they claim the director’s gross as production costs.
Steve Martin: God, what a horror story!
Billy Crystal: Do you guys still read the scripts that you’re gonna do?
[ cut back to Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson ]
Kevin Nealon: This is great! Everybody’s here!
Victoria Jackson: [ pointing ] Look! Isn’t that Joan Cusack and Sam Kinison?
[ cut to Sam Kinison screaming at Joan Cusack ]
[ camera pans left to reveal Mary Tyler More making out with Jon Lovitz ]
Victoria Jackson: Oh, look! There’s Mary Tyler Moore!
Kevin Nealon: Yeah! Yeah! And she’s making out with.. with Lovitz! This is nice! This is gonna be some party, I’ll tell you that!
Victoria Jackson: Yeah!
[ dissolve to Lorne Michaels’ office, Chevy Chase seated in front of his desk eating popcorn out of a basket ]
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, I just can’t let you do this fall. It’s too dangerous.
Chevy Chase: Dangerous? Lorne, I did the fall every week.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, you’re fifty-eight years old!
Chevy Chase: Okay, but I feel as good as I did fifteen years ago!
Lorne Michaels: Fifteen years ago you were forty-three.
Chevy Chase: Yeah, and in fifteen years I’ll be seventy-three. So what?
[ Jane Curtin leans in ]
Jane Curtin: What’s going on?
Chevy Chase: Oh, hi, Jane.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy wants to do the fall.
Jane Curtin: But he’s fifty-eight years old!
Lorne Michaels: I know.
Chevy Chase: What’s the big deal about being fifty-eight years old? In my movies, I play guys in their late forties, early fifties.
Lorne Michaels: Chevy, it’s the network. They’re just not gonna insure anyone over fifty-five.
Chevy Chase: They don’t have to!
Lorne Michaels: Well, alright, but you’re gonna have to sign some ppaers, then. Here. [ shows legal papers on desk to Chevy ]
Chevy Chase: Alright, thank you, Lorne.. [ signs his name ] Geez, we gotta hurry, Lorne –
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] And.. here.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ] Show’s gonna start nay second, and I gotta –
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] And.. and.. and here.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ] I’ve gotta get ot my dressing room..
Lorne Michaels: [ flips page over ] Just initial this one here, please.
Chevy Chase: [ signs ]
[ Joe Piscopo, dressed in a sleeveless tuxedo with muscles bulging, enters office ]
Joe Piscopo: Chevy, I just heard. Lorne, excuse me. Chevy, look, I can’t let you do this. I mean, I love you, but you’re not in shape. I think I should do the fall. [ flexes his arms to show Chevy his muscles ]
Chevy Chase: Thanks, Joe, but I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me, okay?
Joe Piscopo: Lorne, are you gonna let this guy go out there, hmm? [ flexes a little more ] I mean, what is this guy, sixty years old?
Stagehand: Sorry, it’s contractual, Chevy. You’re ready for Prime Time now.
[ Chevy grabs the helmet and exits the office into the audience carrying his basket of popcorn ]
Chevy Chase: I just want to get this over.. I don’t have much time, I have to get to my dressing room.. [ puts the helmet on ] ..take a couple of back pills, I’ll be fine. What’s the big deal? If I could just get my pads on.. [ to an audience member ] Could I get through here, please? [ walks into the audience, places his popcorn on a woman’s lap ] Would you hld that? Thanks. [ adjusts his helmet ] These are not easy to put on. [ continues walking through the audience tripping here and there, and eventually spilling his popcorn onto the head of Brandon Tartikoff ] Oops! Oh, I’m sorry! Very sorry! [ spots Garrett Morris sitting next to Brandon ] Garrett!
Garrett Morris: Hey!
Chevy Chase: How are you, baby?
Garrett Morris: Hey, Chevy! What’s happening, man! Look, Chevy, Chevy.. don’t do the fall. Okay? Look, man, you are older than me! You’re just gonna bust your behind!
Chevy Chase: I’m fine, Garrett..
[ Chevy continues walking through the audience as Garrett rambles on behind him ]
Garrett Morris: I mean, at your age, man, healing is a long, slow, painful process! Man, I busted mine two years ago, and I –
Chevy Chase: I’m gonna be late now, that’s just great..
[ Chevy crashes into the wall, his popcorn flying everywhere as he tumbles down the stairs. He quickly stumbles into a door marked as his dressing room and closes the door behind him. A few seconds later, Chevy re-opens the door and pulls off the helmet. ]
Dennis Miller: You know, over the years there has been one consistent, recurring segment of “Saturday Night Live”. That, of course, would be the really bad sketch at ten till one that makes everyone want to go to bed early. In addition to that, though, there has always been political content, either in the form of sketches or “Weekend Update” jokes. I hold a particularly fond place, near and dear to my heart, for “Weekend Update”. Because without it, I would probably be watching the show at home tonight, embittered and undoubtedly plotting the deaths of many of the fabulous entertainers you’ve seen here this evening. Here, then, is a look at the political past of “Saturday Night Live”.
Christopher Guest: You know, Martin, there are a lot of very important stars out in the audience tonight, really major figures in the world of show business. And although you might not be as famous, talented and good-looking as they are, well.. I just wanted to say that.
Martin Short: [ smiling it off ] Thank you, Chris. And, although what you say may be true.. I might not be the most talented famous.. [ breaks into hysterical mode ] But I’ll tell you one thing, Mister! I love this country! A hell of a lot more than some of these flag-waving phonies sitting out there tonight! And even though I wasn’t born here – I wish I had of been! [ breaks into tears in Christopher’s arms ] Hold me!
Christopher Guest: Now, without further ado, some clips from the years 1980 to 1985.
Charlton Heston: Over it’s 15-year history, “Saturday Night Live” has offended more than a few of its viewers. In fact, it’s probably safe to say that, at one time or another, the show has offended every single one of its viewers. It will therefore come as no surprise that, week after week, the mail brings hudnreds of angry, even ugly, letters. Tonight, I’ve been asked to read one of these letters. This is dated March 19th, 1978:
[ reads letter ]
“Nausea. Violent, gut-churning nausea. That’s the only way I can describe the revulsion I felt as I watched last week’s episode of the show called “Saturday Night Live”. Vulgar, snide, purile. Devoid of either taste or intellectual content, let alone humor. “Saturday Night Live” displays in show after dreadful show, its sniggering contempt for even the appalling standards of network television. What kind of world are we living in, that this is considered entertainment? As I sat stunned by this abomination, quite literally sick to my stomach, it occurred to me that your cast and writers resemble nothing so much as a collection of spoiled children throwing a party the weekend Mommy and Daddy are away. Well, NBC, perhaps its time Mommy and Daddy came home, assumed their parental responsibilities, and removed this weekly affront to the mind and spirit from our television screens. Signed: Charlton Heston.”
Mary Tyler Moore: Through the years, “Saturday Night Live” has done some things that might be considered juvenile, tasteless, sophomoric.. well, at least that’s what the New York Times calls it. Where I come from, we simply call it smut. Now, although I would never allow any of this kind of comedy to be on a show that I was associated with, I must admit that.. uh.. well.. sometimes.. in the privacy of my own home.. I find some of it really funny! So, sit back and watch this next collection of clips, which.. just about covers everything that I’ve spent my entire career fighting against.
Susan St. James: Hello. I’m Susan St. James. And on October 10th, 1981, I hosted the second show of SNL’s seventh season. The producer that year, and for the next three seasons, was a tall, handsome man named Dick Ebersol. I fell in love with Dick, and six weeks later we were married. Therefore, I became the first host of “Saturday Night” to marry the producer. I was not, however, the first host of “Saturday Night” to sleep with one of the producers. That host was.. Buck Henry.
O.J. Simpson: Hello. I’m O.J. Simpson, with another Saturday Night Moment! It was November 18th, 1977. For the first time ever, a black man kissed a white man on national TV. The white man, Bill Murray; the black man.. Walter Payton. A few seconds later, Payton became the first black man to kiss another black man on national TV, and a few weeks later, Payton had the ultimate humiliation when he didn’t break the single-season rushing record, held by Hall-of-Famer O.J. Simpson! This has been another Saturday Night Moment, I’m Hall-of-Famer O.J. Simpson.
