SNL Moment III

…..Jan Hooks

Jan Hooks: Hello. I’m Jan Hooks, with another Saturday Night Moment! On December 3rd, 1988, history was made when I set a new “Saturday Night Live” record for the most whores portrayed in a single episode. I played four of them that night: a high-priced call girl, a Mexican puta, a wartime trollop, and Jessica Hahn, who, although techincally not a whore, was deemed acceptable by the judges! Now, in setting this new standard, I eclipsed the previous record of three, which had been held jointly by myself and.. Buck Henry. I’m Jan Hooks, and this has been another Saturday Night Live Moment.

SNL Transcripts

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

Tom Hanks’ Monologue

…..Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks: Thank you. Now, isn’t this something? 15 years of “Saturday Night Live”. Wow. I’m a fan. The Coneheads.. the Czech Brothers.. “You look mahvelous”.. the Church Lady.. So many others, and they’re all right here.

What a night, it’s a very, very special night. And out of all the stars that are here tonight, I have been given the honor of handling what has traditionally been the weakest part of the shoew – the opening monologue. That’s the part of the show where they take a very talented person, someone who is successful in some walk of life, someone who has never actually performed a monologue before – your Fran Tarkenton, your Ralph Nader, your Cicely Tyson – and they tell them to go out there. They say just be yourself, and, of course, be funny, and convey the following information – how great it is to be here, how great it is to be in New York, what a week it’s been, how the people around here are all “a little crazy”, and what a great show it is because we’ve got a great musical guest with us, and so on..

So.. anyway.. [ excited ] It is great to be here! New York City! Oh, the cast, the crew, what a week it’s been! Prince is with us! Paul Simon! It’s gonna be a great show! A great show! Just like it’s been since October 11th, 1975, when the Not Ready For Prime Time Players gave us all a reason to stay home on Saturday nights.

SNL Transcripts

Robin Williams

Robin Williams

…..Robin Williams

Robin Williams:
“I woke up the other day!
I’ve run out of Perrier!

Dan Quayle Blues! Take it home, Momma, you know what I mean!

[ pulls up his jacket ] Thank you for this lovely masudo Lincoln thing, let’s hear it! [ claps ] Thank you! First, I’d like to sell nude pictures of Jesse Helms, ladies and gentlemen. Nude pictures, Jesse Helms! This Mapplethorpe thing, I don’t know.. really, it’s very offensive, but somehow the man in the polyester suit, very attractive. Let’s move on!

I’d like to take you out right now and show you some of the fabulous people who have come here this evening, who did not know that they would be on camera, but it’s time to play Character Assassination!

Let’s look over here. Ladies and gentlemen, Edwin Newman! Edwin “Boom-Boom” Newman! [ show Edwin Newman in the audience ] Thank you! Take it on home, Edwin! Take it on home! A man who’s not afraid to ask that question, “Henry, was she good?” Yes! You ever walk up to Henry Kissinger and go, “Hello, Mr. Kissinger, hi. I love all your awards, you’re fabulous!”

Let’s work around the room. Dick Ebersol, ladies and gentlemen! Dick Ebersol! Former executive here at NBC, thank you! [ show Dick Ebersol ]

Let’s show some of the fabulous prizes. Did Arnold come tonight? Arnold Schwartzenegger’s not here tonight. He’s at home with Maria, they are expecting a baby. If ever there was a man who has fertile sperm, there’s Arnold. Who has this sperm that would break in and go, “Are you Maria’s ovum? I’m ready.”

Sam Kinison, ladies and gentlemen! Sam Kinision up here! Dana Carvey! Fabulous people! Wait a minute! Glenn Close, ladies and gentlemen! Mom! With a dead rabbit! Fabulous! Phil Hartman! They’re all here! This night is incredible! And I’m stalling for time because this show is not running that long.

Okay! Let’s work ourt way over here – Joe Piscopo, ladies and gentlemen! Joe Piscopo! A man who does ot take steroids. Pbbt! Okay. [ mimes flexing ] I’m opening the door, let’s work our way back over this way.

We have a very special person who is here tonight – ladies and gentlemen, Gary Busey is here, and he’s not wearing a helmet again! [ show Gary Busey ] Gary? [ talks like he’s in a coma ] Nice to have you out, Gary! Good to have you outside! Nice to see you! You’re doing fabulous! [ Gary Busey makes gestures ] I will, baby! Thank you for being another white man talking black! Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, the poet Art Garfunkel. [ show Art Garfunkel ] Elliot Gould! Elliot Gould! [ show Elliot Gould ] Let’s pan up there! Let’s just keep going! In the back, behind the glass, Tammy Fae Bakker! Who has actually been proven to be Elvis! Yes, just before Elvis died, he went, “You know, Colonel, that Bakker boy’s real pretty, I’m gonna go after him.”

Yes, we’re almost over with this fabulous, fabulous evening.. Wait. I’m braking down, because there’s a guy in the booth going.. [ motions ] “Five more minutes! Five more minutes!”

An incredible evening, we’ve raised over $4 million for The Knicks! Thank you! Those phones are ringing – for the National Tourette’s Foundation! [ twitches ]

Steve Martin! A man who did a play with me, and God we did well! [ show Steve Martin ] We did well.

[ audience chants as time runs down ]

Audience: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Robin Williams:5! 4! 3! 2! 1! We’re out of here!

SNL Transcripts

Steve Martin

Steve Martin

…..Steve Martin
…..Buck Henry

[ Steve Martin runs out onstage screaming, whooping and hollering ]

Steve Martin: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo-oo-oo-oo!! Whoo-whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

[ Buck Henry takes to the stage ]

Buck Henry: Uh.. I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we were worried about this. Uh.. Steve has been under enormous pressure, he’s very tense. He hasn’t performed live in front of an audience in.. sixteen years. And, well, as you can see, he’s just maybe a little bit too excited.

I’m Buck Henry. Steve was supposed to introduce the great moments from 1985 to the present.

[ Steve continues to whoop and hollar behind Buck ]

Buck Henry: If Steve were introducing this segment, I’m sure he’d say that the last four years have introduced characters that have become part of the American venacular, a venacular enriched by the same kind of thoughtful writing and inspired performance that we’ve come to expect from “Saturday Night”. So, just sit back, as Steve would say if he could, and relax, throw your feet up and enjoy some of these great moments from the “Saturday Night” group that’s going to take you and me into the 90’s.

[ Steve stops whooping ]

Steve Martin: I’m okay now.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 1989-1990

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: 1989-1990

This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>


  • Dana Carvey
  • Nora Dunn
  • Phil Hartman
  • Jan Hooks
  • Victoria Jackson
  • Jon Lovitz
  • Dennis Miller
  • Mike Myers
  • Kevin Nealon
  • Featuring:

  • A. Whitney Brown
  • Al Franken
  • Episodes

  • 09/24/89: 15th Anniversary Special
  • 09/30/89: Bruce Willis / Neil Young
  • 10/07/89: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones
  • 10/21/89: Kathleen Turner / Billy Joel
  • 10/28/89: James Woods / Don Henley
  • 11/11/89: Chris Evert / Eurythmics
  • 11/18/89: Woody Harrelson / David Byrne
  • 12/02/89: John Goodman / k.d. lang & The Reclines
  • 12/09/89: Robert Wagner / Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville
  • 12/16/89: Andie MacDowell / Tracy Chapman
  • 01/13/90: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.
  • 01/20/90: Christopher Walken / Bonnie Raitt
  • 02/10/90: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell & Kool Moe Dee & Big Daddy Kane
  • 02/17/90: Tom Hanks / Aerosmith
  • 02/24/90: Fred Savage / Technotronic
  • 03/17/90: Rob Lowe / The Pogues
  • 03/24/90: Debra Winger / Eric Clapton
  • 04/14/90: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens
  • 04/21/90: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s
  • 05/12/90: Andrew Dice Clay / Julee Cruise, Spanic Boys
  • 05/19/90: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies
  • Summary1989 marked the beginning of the 15th season of “Saturday Night Live,” though the celebration began on a sad note. On the night of May 20th, 1989, the 14th season finale, Steve Martin delivered the sad news during his monologue, that original cast member Gilda Radner had died of ovarian cancer earlier that day. With mourning in his eyes, Steve presented a clip from his April 22nd, 1978 hosting of him and Gilda “Dancing in the Dark” to instant audience applause. Later, during the 15th Anniversary Special, Jane Curtin and Laraine Newman presented a series of clips of Gilda’s performances.

    Despite the sad news, the 15th season of “Saturday Night Live” brought many new laughs to compete with all the previous laughs performed on the show. It also features the debuts of frequent 90’s hosts John Goodman, Alec Baldwin and Christopher Walken, three mostly dramatic actors who show that they can be just as funny as original repeat hosts Steve Martin and Buck Henry. And for the first time in its history, “SNL” is boycotted by one of its cast members (Nora Dunn) when foul-mouthed comedian Andrew “Dice” Clay is asked to host the show.

    SNL Transcripts