Category: 1989

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Wayne’s World

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey
Rick…..Bruce Willis
Mrs. Campbell…..Nora Dunn
Nancy…..Jan Hooks

[ open on Cable 10 page ]

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

[ dissolve to Wayne Campbell’s basement studio, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

Garth: Alright! Okay! alright! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Partyyyyyyyy!! Party hearty! It’s Friday night, it’s 10:30, I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! Before we bring out our first guest, let me explain the bogus music you can hear from upstairs – my parentals are having a party. Let’s just hope they don’t wander downstairs drunk and make us to go get ice.

Garth: Yeah, parents get scary when they’re wasted!

Wayne: Whoa! Speaking of scary, alright? This week we’ve got a new feature on “Wayne’s World.” We call it: Extreme Close-Up.

Together: Extreme Close-up!!

[ camera zoomes in on Wayne’s face, then Garth’s, then Wayne’s ]

Wayne & Garth: Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oaaa!!

Wayne: [ jamming his guitar ] Extreme Close-Up! Extreme Close-up! Party Time! Excellent! Okay!

Garth: Excellent! Excellent! That was a good buzz! Alright!

Wayne: That was great! Okay, let’s bring out our first guest. You all know him, alright? He’s, by far, the coolest senior in school. I mean, you can’t even get near him in the Smoking Area, because of the Sea of Babeitude that surrounds him, you know? And tonight, he’s going to unveil the new cool word for the school year. Ladies and gentlemen, the coolest guy in school – Rick!

Wayne & Garth: [ jamming ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!”

[ Rick comes downstairs and sits on the chair next to the couch ]

Wayne: Alright! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Rick!

Rick: [ solemn, not sure why he’s here ] Hello.

Wayne: Whoa, I’m really honored to have you on the show, man! Did you have a good summer?

Rick: [ stoned silence ] Yeah.

Wayne: Well, okay! I had a good summer. Yeah, I went to Great America, and then I got mono. Garth, how was your summer?

Garth: Uh.. I-I-I worked in my Dad’s store.. and I saw “Batman” seven times! Yeah! What did you do, Rick?

Rick: What’s that, Garth?

Garth: What, what, what did you do, Rick..?

Rick: I was in Reform School.

[ Wayne and Garth can’t get over it ]

Wayne: That’s cool, man!

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: [ to Rick ] Why?

Rick: Why what?

Wayne: Why were you in Reform School?

Rick: I pulled a B&E.

Wayne: Breaking and Entering. Excellent! Excellent! Well, if you don’t mean my being so bold, Rick, are you ready to unveil the new cool word for the school year? [ to camera ] I should explain something, alright? Last year, Rick’s new cool word was “pail”, or “bucket”.. as in, “So what did you think of the new substitute teacher?” “I think he’s ‘pail’, he’s ‘bucket’!” And, Rick? Rick, this year the new cool word is..? Go, Garth, go!

[ Garth pounds on the couch as though it were a drum ]

Rick: The word is.. [ thinking ] ..Sphincter.

Wayne: Excellent!

Garth: Wow, that’s the greatest word I’ve ever heard in my life, Rick! How do you do that?

Rick: They appear to me, as if in a dream.

Wayne: Unnecessary Zoom!

[ camera zooms in on them rapidly and unnecessarily ]

Wayne & Garth: Whoa-oa! Whoa-oa!

Garth: Wow, Rick, you are so cool, you know? You should have your own show!

Wayne: [ turned off ] What a traitor you are, man. Stab me in the back, why don’tcha? [ pulls invisible knife out of his back ] Schwing! I believe this is yours? What a quizzling.

Garth: Wow.. Wayne, don’t be such a.. sphincter! [ laughs ]

Wayne: Shyeah, right! You’re the one who’s sphincticious!

Garth: Yeah, right, Wayne! Wayne, you’re a sphinctoid!

Wayne: Well, that’s all very interesting, my funky friend.. but I see you dabble in the ways of sphinctery!

Rick: Boy, you’re an example of tragic sphincterism gone unchecked.

Garth: Good one, Rick! Yeah, Wayne, you go off the sphinctometer!

Wayne: I have seen the sphincter.. and it is Garth!

Rick: [ impressed ] Oh, very nice, Wayne, very nice.. [ rubs his fingers with Wayne’s ]

Wayne: Oh, thanks, Rick! [ passes the finger rub on down to Garth ]

Garth: Way to go, Rick.

Wayne: Okay, Rick, you’re a cool guy, right? Do something cool on the show.

Rick: How about a crank call?

Wayne: Oh, excellent! Excellent! Who? Who?

Rick: [ thinking ] Upstairs.

Wayne: [ excited ] Great, great! [ dials upstairs and hands the phone to Rick ] Go! Go!

Voice on Phone: Hello?

Rick: Is this Wayne’s Mother?

Voice on Phone: Yes, it is.

Rick: May I speak to Wayne.

Voice on Phone: Uh.. I’m afraid he’s doing his show right now.

Rick: Well, it’s rather important!

Voice on Phone: Who may I say is calling?

Rick: His Math teacher. Mr. Sphincter!

[ Wayne and Garth lose their composure ]

Voice on Phone: Hold on, I’ll get him..

[ Wayne’s Mom walks downstairs ]

Mrs. Campbell: Wayne? Honey, I’m sorry to interrupt, but your Math teacher, Mr. Sphincter, is on the line.

[ Wayne, Garth and Rick crack up, Rick stomping his boot to the hardwood floor ]

Wayne: I’m sorry, Mom? What was that name again?

Mrs. Campbell: Mr. Sphincter.

Wayne: Thanks!

Mrs. Campbell: [ wraps her arm around Wayne ] You kids having fun, honey? I think that’s important. You want some potato chips, or rumballs or something?

Wayne: Yeah, rumballs. Yeah, right, Mom.

Mrs. Campbell: [ starts walking upstairs ] Okay. Well, you’re gonna talk to Mr. Sphincter? [ Wayne tries not to laugh ] Is the music too loud, honey?

Wayne: [ trying not to laugh ] No, it’s okay. But, Mom, just so I’m clear, okay – who’s on the line again?

Mrs. Campbell: Wayne, how many times do I have to tell you? Mr. Sphincter! [ Wayne, Garh and Rick stomp their feet ] Okay, I’ll see you later. Bye, Garth! Have fun now!

Wayne: Bye, Mom! Oh, mean, that was so funny, Iswear I was gonna hurl!

Rick: Yeah. Well, look here, boys. I got a party to go to. I’m out the back way.

Wayne: A party?

Rick: Yeah, well, don’t even think about coming. It’s a gimp-free zone. [ tugs Wayne’s cap over his eyes, then exits the basement through a side door ]

Wayne: Alright, okay Well, okay, thanks for coming on the show, Rick. [ jams guitar ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!” Wow, I can’t believe he came on the show, that’s amazing..

Garth:Excellent!

[ suddenly, Nancy rushes downstairs ]

Nancy: Hi, Wayne! Hi, Garth! I just saw Rick on TV! Where is he! I haveto talk to him! I do, I have to!

Wayne: Nancy, we have a show, alright? I mean, you see Rick, you bolt over here like a mental case..

Garth: Yeah, what a nympho!

Wayne: [ fake sneezing in his hand ] What a slut! What a slut!

Nancy: Shut up!

Wayne: Soory, I have a cold! [ laughs with Garth ]

Nancy: Wayne, you are not my Dad.

Wayne: Hey, no guff. But I’ll tell you one thing, you know – he’s got the hots for you, man. He says you’re a babe. You are a marked woman!

Nancy: [ excited ] Are you kidding? He knows who I am! [ screams joyfully ]

Wayne: [ mimics fish gills ] Fished in!

Garth: Caught her! He hooked her, he cleaned her! Fished in! Fished in!

Nancy: You guys are pail. You’re really bucket.

Wayne: Nice try! No one says that any more, alright? God, you’re prehistoric! You’re pre-cambrian. That’s all the time we have for this week. Until then – goodnight, party on!

Garth: Goodnight, party on!

Wayne: “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent!”

[ title out to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 2
Air Date: October 7th, 1989
Host: Rick Moranis
Musical Guest: Rickie Lee Jones
Special Guests: None

Cameos:
1. Bonnie Turner

2. Christine Zander

3. Bob Odenkirk

4.  Jackie Mason’s Press Conference

5. Montage

6. Rick Moranis’ Monologue

The Big Bitch Bull Dyke Bust Out of ’89Summary:

Recurring Characters: Leona Helmsley, Jim Bakker, Tammy Faye Bakker, Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Honey, I Shrunk Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Satellites” Also Performed: 78p

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Mr. Subliminal (Kevin Nealon). Phil Hartman delivers the George Steinbrenner Health Watch report. Frenchy (Jon Lovitz).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal, Frenchy.

Merv Griffin’s Casino ShowRecurring Characters: Merv Griffin, Donald Trump, Ivana Trump.

Wild Horse Transcript

Rickie Lee Jones performs “Ghetto Of My Mind”

New Baseball Rules

Baby Talk

Word Busters Transcript

Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

Word Busters

Gil Madabon…..Phil Hartman
Sherry Carter…..Jan Hooks
Steve Hoaglin…..Jon Lovitz
Mark-Linn Baker…..Mike Myers
Richard Chamberlain…..Kevin Nealon

Gil Madabon: Hello! And welcome, everyone, to our returning celebrities – Mark-Linn Baker, and Richard Chamberlain. And, of course, our contestants – Sherry Carter, you’re a Speech Therapist at Cedar Sinai Hospital.

Sherry Carter: That’s right, Gil!

Gil Madabon: And, Mark, your partner today is the Office Manager of a downtown law firm – let’s welcome Steve Hoaglin!

Steve Hoaglin: Thanks, Gil!

Gil Madabon: Now, Steve, let’s play “Word Busters”! Annnnnd.. go!

[ clue: “Ow My Nose” ]

[ Mark smacks Steve in the nose ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow, my nose!

Gil Madabon: That’s three points!

[ clue: “Hey Quit It” ]

[ Mark flicks Steve’s face ]

Steve Hoaglin: Hey, quit it!

Gil Madabon: Very good!

[ clue: “Damn That Smarts” ]

[ Mark smacks Steve in the head ]

Steve Hoaglin: Oh, shoot, that hurts!

[ Mark smacks Steve again ]

Steve Hoaglin: Damn, that hurts!

[ Mark smacks Steve again ]

Steve Hoaglin: Damn, that smarts!

Gil Madabon: There we go! Alright, that’s the end of the first half! Mark-Linn and Steve have seven points! Mark-Linn, you’re amazing – how do you do it?

Mark-Linn Baker: The ability to read my partner like a book, his weaknesses, and, of course, acting, the craft. The work is so important. And a vast medical knowledge, nerve endings, pressure points and the like. I could go on..

Gil Madabon: Please don’t. I was just being polite. Now, Richard, as usual, you’re paired with a very lovely lady!

Richard Chamberlain: Ahh.. [ waves his hand ]

Gil Madabon: Okay.. well, let’s see how the two of you do. Since you have to go second, Sherry, we’ll give you choice of category. Your choices are: Things You Say While Being Pricked With Pins; Things You Say When Drowning; Things You Say While Being Clubbed In The Head; and Nonsense Sounds That Pain Makes You Say.

Richard Chamberlain: How about Pins?

Sherry Carter: Uh.. uh.. I don’t want to go through with this, Gil..

Gil Madabon: If you can’t decide, a category will be chosen at random.. [ she doesn’t choose, so “Clubbed In The Head” is randomly selected ] Alright, the category is: Things You Say While Being Clubbed In The Head!

[ clue: “Now Wait A Second” ]

[ Richard pulls out a club ]

Sherry Carter: [ nervous ] Now.. now wait a second..

Gil Madabon: And that scores!

[ clue: “Hey C’Mon That’s – It’s Not – No” ]

[ Richard rolls up his sleeves and picks up the club ]

Sherry Carter: [ more nervous ] Hey, c’mon, that’s – it’s not – no!

Gil Madabon: Excellent!

[ clue: “Thud” ]

[ Richard raises the club; Sherry faints with a crash ]

Gil Madabon: Judges? [ buzzer sounds ] No.. the experts tell me that was more of a crash than a thud. Sherry gets no points. Steve, you and Mark-Linn are the winners, and qualify for the Speed Round!

Steve Hoaglin: It sounds like a thud to me, maybe we could go back!

Gil Madabon: Oh, like you would know, Steve. As always, in the Speed Round, you will be trying to guess as many words as possible in only fifteen seconds. But, first, Don Pardo, tell him what he will win!

Announcer: Something good. Something very, very good.

Steve Hoaglin: [ excited ] Yes! I’m ready!

Gil Madabon: Alright, take your positions, gentlemen, as we begin the most exciting part of our show! And.. ready.. go!

[ clue: “Quit It” ]

[ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ow! Quit it!

[ clue: “No” ]

[ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ow! No!

[ clue: “Gah” ]

[ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! My eye! Pass!

Gil Madabon: Alright, we’ll pass.

[ clue: “Ah My Head” ]

[ Mark slaps Steve repeatedly ]

Steve Hoaglin: Ow! Ow! Ah, my head!

Gil Madabon: You did it! Steve, you are our new champion! Will you come back tomorrow?

Steve Hoaglin: Oh, I’d love to.. [ accepts an ice pack for his head ]

Gil Madabon: Great! Then we’ll see you tomorrow, on “Word Busters”!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

 

The Big Bitch Bull Dyke Bust Out of ’89

Zsa Zsa Gabor…..Victoria Jackson
Leona Helmesley…..Nora Dunn
Jim Bakker…..Rick Moranis
Tammy Faye Bakker…..Jan Hooks
Customer…..Jon Lovitz
Clerk…..Phil Hartman

[ SUPER: “Chattanooga Women’s Correctional Facility” ]

[ dissolve open on Zsa Zsa Gabor being beat up by the other female prisoners, until Leona Helmesley enters to break it up ]

Leona Helmesley: That’s enough!

Buffy: Back off, Leona! Zsa Zsa ain’t your problem!Leona Helmesley: That’s right, Buffy.. you’re my problem! [ pounds Buffy to the ground ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Stop, dahlink, please. She’s dead already. Dahlink! [ slaps Leona ]

[ cut to nighttime, show Leona holding a gun to Zsa Zsa’s back as they dig through an escape tunnel underneath the prison ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I can’t go on any longer, dahlink!

Leona Helmesley: You wanna rot in that stinkin’ joint?! Keep digging!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I’m not made for this type of thing. New York is where I’d rather stay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I get allergic smelling hay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up! And you’d better keep that dog quiet!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: He can’t help it, he’s very nervous.

Leona Helmesley: I’m giving you five seconds to shut that mutt up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Please, Froo Froo! Mommy needs you to be quiet!

[ Froo Froo continues to bark nervously; Leona gras it and shoots it dead ]

Froo Froo! Ohh! My little Froo Froo!

Leona Helmesley: Stop that whimpering! I said stop that whimpering!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Dahlink, I am stopping the whimpering already..

Leona Helmesley: Then what the hell is that?

[ Jim Bakker breaks through he tunnel, whimpering ]

Jim Bakker: Oh, praise the Lord, thank God! I thought you were the cops. Unh, unh, unh..

Leona Helmesley: Jim Bakker!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Thank God, dahlink. Someone from show business.

Leona Helmesley: How the hell did you get here?

Jim Bakker: I was tunneling out of the men’s prison, and I.. I got lost.. unh.. [ curls into fetal position and cries ]

Leona Helmesley: You little wimp! Get out of that fetal position! I’ve got an 85-year-old husband who’s senile and incontinent, and he’s still twice the man you are!

Jim Bakker: Please don’t hurt me, Insane Tenant Lady! Hey.. I can help you – I got a getaway car waiting.

Leona Helmesley: Start digging!

[ dissolve to Tammy Faye Bakker waiting in the getaway car, singing her praises to God as Jim, Leona and Zsa Zsa stumble into the car ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: Jim..? Who are these women, have you had their way with them? I forgive you! I do! I forgive you! [ weeps ]

Jim Bakker: They forced me to take them along!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Are they Christians?

Leona Helmesley: [ points her gun at Tammy’s head ] This is my gun.. [ opens the barrel ] ..and these are his six apostles!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ weeping ] Oh, Dear Lord in Heaven, hear my prayer, oh Lord!

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

[ disolve to interior, 7-11 somewhere in the Midwest ]

Clerk: Okay, that’s a Playboy, a Penthouse, a large coffee, and a Nodoze.. [ accepts payment ] Thank you.

Customer: Thank you! [ exits 7-11 ]

Leona enters with gun pointed to a weeping Tammy Faye Bakker’s back ]

Clerk: Hello, ma’am! May I help you?

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ trying to point her eyes towards Leona on the side ] Oh, gosh, what is it that I want? [ giggles nervously ]

Clerk: That’s alright, ma’am, just calm down. You take your time, and then tell me what you need.

Leona Helmesley: [ moves in and points her gun at the Clerk ] I’ll tell you what we need, we need the MONEY!!

Clerk: [ trembling ] Okay, okay, lady, don’t shoot!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ praying as she takes the money from the cash register ] Oh, Lord, please forgive us for what we’re doing..

Leona Helmesley: Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me!!

Clerk: I’m not looking at you!!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Don’t kill him, Leona, please don’t kill him!!

Leona Helmesley: [ angry ] You said my NAME!! You said my NAME!!

[ back at the car, Jim hits on Zsa Zsa ]

Jim Bakker: Of course, Tammy.. forgave me for my indescretion with Jessica.. But that’s the kind of marriage we have. It’s open. [ a gunshot is heard ] What the hel was that?! [ starts weeping ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Get a grip on yourself, dahlink!

Jim Bakker: I’m okay.. [ weeps some more ]

[ inside, Leona and Tammy Faye are arguing, as the Clerk lays dying across the counter ]

Leona Helmesley: I’m taking this out ot the car – here.. [ hands the gun over ] ..you finish him off! [ exits ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: No, I can’t do that! I can’t.. [ her mascara is running down her face as she cries ] Oh, Lord.. I know I’ve asked you for a lot.. but grant me this one prayer: please let this witness die of wounds already received! Oh, Lord.. this is the only thing I ask of you: let this witness die!”

Leona Helmesley: [ re-enters ] I told you to finish him off! [ takes the gun and shoots the Clerk dead at last ]

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: [ holding up the stolen money ] Alright, dahlinks, I’ve figured it out – we’ve got $1,648, that’s $412 each, dahlink..

Leona Helmesley: You’re gonna give them half!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Well, why shouldn’t we get equal shares? WE run the same risk!

Leona Helmesley: Oh, yeah, right, “We run the same risk..” Then why, when it’s your turn to pull the trigger, you wuss up?!

Tammy Faye Bakker: I’m going to say something, and I’m going to say it right now: I think you killed far too may people on this spree! You didn’t hsave to kill that clown in front of the car wash, it was just part of a promotion!

Jim Bakker: Praise Thee!

Leona Helmesley: Wait a minute.. the car wash.. How come we only have $1,600 – that was a thousand right there! A thousand at the car wash, eight-hundred at the photomat..

Zsa Zsa Gabor: That’s right, dahlin, we should have a lot more..

[ the Bakkers whistle quietly ]

Leona Helmesley: Bakker?

Jim Bakker: I swear I didn’t do it! [ Leona points her gun ] Alright! Alright! It’s in my pants!

Leona Helmesley: [ pulls it out of his pants ] Is that it?

Jim Bakker: There’s a fifty taped to the bottom of the oil can..

Leona Helmesley: Any more?!

Jim Bakker: I mailed myself $200 from the last motel..

Leona Helmesley: That’s all?!

Jim Bakker: I put a five in a baggie and swallowed it!

Leona Helmesley: And?

Jim Bakker: That’s it!

Leona Helmesley: Al-right, you sonofabitch, you’re dead meat! If ZSa ZSa could drive a stick, your brains would be splattered all over that window!!

Jim Bakker: No! no! Noooooo!!

[ Jim loses control of the wheel, as they careen over a cliff ]

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

[ Scrolling SUPER: “The character of Leona Helmesley was actually a composite of many characters, including the real Leona Helmsley and a number of convicted serial killers. The characters of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker and Zsa Zsa Gabor, however, are based on fact.” ]

[ fade out ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 2

89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

Wild Horse

Stableboy…..Rick Moranis
Chet…..Phil Hartman
Rancher…..Kevin Nealon
Little Indian Boy…..Mike Myers
Miss Parsons…..Nora Dunn

[ open on two cowboys eyeballing a wild horse from the safe side of the fence ]

Stableboy: You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna ride ‘er! You’re gonna ride that big mare, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna do it, you’re gonna break that big, wild mare! You’re gonna ride Sheba, Chet! No one’s ever done it, but you’re gonna do it, Chet! You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya!

[ stock footage shows the mare resisting the Rancher’s tug ]

[ back at the fence, the Rancher appears on-camera tugging at the off-screen horse ]

Rancher: Give me a wider whip than that! I can’t hold on to it much longer! [ Chet steps forward, determination in his eyes ] I’d be careful, Mr. Matsen, this is one dangerous horse!

Chet: We’ll see.. [ walks offscreen to ride the wild horse ]

Stableboy: You’re gonna do it, ain’t ya, Chet! You’re gonna ride Sheba!

[ Chet is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Chet: [ screaming ] Help me!! Somebody please get me off!!

[ back at the fence, we see Chet’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Chet stands up, shaking fiercely ]

Stableboy: Are you alright, Chet?! Are you okay?!

Chet: I don’t know!! I’m scared, I’m shook up, I was CRAZY to get on that HORSE!!

Stableboy: Mr. Matsen, maybe it’s not my place.. I mean.. I know I’m just a stableboy and all, but.. I’d like to try and ride that horse!

Chet: WHAT?!! YOU ride her?!

Stableboy: Yeah! [ runs towards the horse ]

Chet: No! Jimmy! No, Jimmy, don’t!

[ Stableboy is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Stableboy: Oh, no..! Somebody please.. help me! Nooo!! Somebody please get me off this thing!

[ back at the fence, we see Stableboy’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Chet helps Stableboy to his feet ]

Chet: I told ya he’s mean! I told ya he’s mean!

Stableboy: What was I thinking, Chet! I’m just a stableboy! I coulda been killed, ain’t that right!

Chet: [ points ] Hey! Hey, look!

Stableboy: It’s that little Indian boy from the reservation, ain’t it?

Chet: Yeah! And he’s getting on that horse! Hey! Get away from there!

[ Little Indian Boy is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Little Indian Boy: Whoa! Whoa! Get me off of this thing, please! Please!

[ back at the fence, we see Little Indian Boy’s body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

Little Indian Boy: Me insane to get on horse like that! Me not even have that good rapport with animals in general!

[ Miss Parsons enters ]

Miss Parsons: What’s going on here?

Chet: It’s that horse! She won’t let us ride her!

Miss Parsons: [ grins ] Well, now, ain’t this a purty sight! Well, if there ain’t a man here that can break that nag, guessin’ I’m just gonna have to ride ‘er!

Chet: [ trembling ] I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Miss Parsons, I.. please, Miss Parsons..

[ Miss Parsons is shown bouncing wildly through the air as he “rides” Sheba ]

Miss Parsons: [ screaming ] Aaaaggghhhhh!! Get me off this thing! Get ‘er off of me!!

[ back at the fence, we see Miss Parsons’ body crash into the gate after being thrown by Sheba ]

[ show stock footage of Sheba jumping wildly ]

[ at the fence, Miss Parsons is helped to her feet ]

Stableboy: Miss Parsons! Are you okay?!

Little Indian Boy: Me not think anybody able to tame that horse!

Chet: Maybe not anybody.. but what about anything? Look!

[ show second horse grazing in the grass next to a calm Sheba ]

Miss Parsons: Well, I’ll be! I guess we were just using the wrong approach!

Stableboy: Hey! They’re lovebirds, ain’t they! That’s what they are, lovebirds, ain’t they!

Little Indian Boy: [ points ] Look! Big Studly is trying mate with Wild Mare!

Miss Parsons: Look out!!

[ thrown by Sheba, Big Studly crashes on the gate in front of the group ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 21st, 1989

Kathleen Turner

Billy Joel

None

Christine Zander

Conan O’Brien

Joe Dicso
The Miracle Of Fatima ’89

Montage

Kathleen Turner’s Monologue

Plug AwayRecurring Characters: Harvey Fierstein, John Travolta, Lee Iacocca.

Die Squaren Ost Berliner

Donheiser

Billy Joel performs “We Didn’t Start The Fire”Also Performed: 77k, 93d

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: One man mobile uplink unit Al Franken broadcasts live from a NYC crackhouse. Phil Hartman delivers the George Steinbrenner Health Watch report. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on the San Francisco earthquake.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

The EggmanTranscript

Lank Thompson’s “I’m A Handsome Man”Recurring Characters: Lank Thompson.

555-TOON

All About Deborah NorvilleRecurring Characters: Jane Pauley, Gene Shalit.

Billy Joel performs “Downeaster Alexa”

Average Blind Date

Maxwell HouseNote: Another props gaffe, as Jon Lovitz’s fake stomach comes loose as he dances.

Recurring Characters: Linda Ellerbee, Willard Scott.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 3

89c: Kathleen Turner / Billy Joel

The Egg Man

Clarise…..Kathleen Turner
Egg Man…..Phil Hartman
Jimmy…..Dana Carvey

[ Open on Clarise’s bedroom. She enters, closes the door, then removes the Egg Man from a secret hiding place and props him gently on top of a pillow on her bed. ]

Clarise: Uh.. I’m sorry, I just, um.. I just really needed to talk to you.

Egg Man: I thought we had an agreement, Clarise?

Clarise: Oh, I know! I know!

Egg Man: We agreed that we would have our talks when you were calm and we were alone. Now, Carl and Jimmy are home – I know. I heard you arguing – the timing is bad, very bad!

Clarise: Dammit! [ picks Egg Man up forcefully ] We always play by your rules!

Egg Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa —

Clarise: What about my needs?! I’m upset, and you want to cut off communication!

Egg Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa —

Clarise: I need you now!

Egg Man: Easy, easy, easy —

Clarise: You pompous bastard! [ throws Egg Man across the bed, where he lands facedown ]

Egg Man: [ muffled voice ]

Clarise: Oh, God! Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! [ gently picks the Egg-Man up and returns him to a face-up position ] I’m sorry, I know that was out of line, I know it.

Egg Man: [ sweating ] Alright.. alright.. easy does it.. Let’s bend the rules.. we’ll talk a little now – though you’re not altogether calm.

Clarise: Good. You see, Jimmy is being extremely difficult.

Egg Man: My point was simply that one tends to lose one’s reason when in a state of passion, that’s all.

Clarise: Shut up! Just shut up!!

Egg Man: Alright.. yes, you were saying?

Clarise: I was saying, my son is driving me up the wall.. he wants to go to this rock concert, one of those damn satanic groups, it’s scaring the hell out of me!

Egg Man: Uh-huh. And wht group is that?

Clarise: Motley Crue.

Egg Man: Motley Crue?

Clarise: Yes!

Egg Man: Okay.. okay. Motley Crue does worship the forces of evil. Go on.

Clarise: Well, it’s just that he’s changed so! All he does is wear black leather and all this eye make-up.. his bedroom is covered with pentagrams! He has this altar with this weird goathead shrine —

Egg Man: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Any evidence of chicken feathers, an animal sacrifice of any kind?

Clarise: Well, I’m not sure, I mean, he slams the door before I get a good look. You don’t think –?

Egg Man: — that Jimmy is in a satanic cult of heavy metal dope fiends? I don’t know. I do think that there’s reason for concern.

[ Jimmy knocks at the door ]

Jimmy: Mom!!

Egg Man: [ alarmed ] Okay, okay.. put me away for now.. [ Clarise stands up to answer the door ] No, no, no, no, no..

Clarise: What is it now, dammit?!

Jimmy: [ standing at the door, wearing black leather and evil eye make-up ] Okay, like, I’m going to the concert, alright!

Clarise: Over my dead body!

Jimmy: Oh, don’t tempt me, man! Don’t tempt me! You don’t understand, because it’s our music, alright!

Clarise: Who is this “we”? What is this “our”? What are you referring to?!

Jimmy: As in “us”, and not “you”! Look, just give me the money, man, I’m going! [ enters room, notices Egg Man on the pillow ] Wha – what’s that thing?

Clarise: [ worried ] Oh, it’s nothing, it’s nothing.. it’s just a leftover Easter egg.. I – I —

Jimmy: Hey! It’s a little egg dude!

Egg Man: Hello, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Who are you, man?

Egg Man: Well.. there’s no easy answer to that, Jimmy. All I can tell you is, I’m a friend. I came here to help your mother. She’s been feeling a lot of frustration in her life of late. Much of it has to do with your father, his drinking, his cutting off of his feelings and affection. She feels estranged from you, as well. My existence fulfills her need for a still, small voice, a voice of reason and compassion. Do you understand?

Jimmy: [ solemn ] Yeah.. I get it.. [ picks up Egg Man, tosses him in the air and catches him repeatedly ]

Egg Man: Easy! Whoa.. no, no, no!

Jimmy: [ throws Egg Man against the wall, splattering him everywhere ]

Clarise: [ screams, hugging Egg Man’s remains on the wall ]

Jimmy: [ ransacks her purse for money ] Alright, so just keep the money coming, and just maybe I won’t tell Dad about your little egg friend! [ hisses ]

Clarise: [ cries as she hugs the wall ]

Announcer: Tune in next time, for another episode of “Egg Man.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 28th, 1989

James Woods

Don Henley

None

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Lorne Michaels

Bonnie Turner

Terry Turner
The Tonight Show with Johnny CarsonRecurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Nancy Reagan.

Montage

James Woods’ Monologue

Yard-a-pult

AIDS-Aware Dracula

Primetime LiveRecurring Characters: Sam Donaldson, Diane Sawyer.

Don Henley performs “The Last Worthless Evening”Also Performed: 00o.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Victoria Jackson reports from Costa Rica. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary. Dennis Miller (Dana Carvey).

Recurring Characters: Dennis Miller.

Sky’s The Limit

“Falling In Love”

Don Henley performs “The Boys of Summer”

Three Dudes Holistic Automotive

Helmsley Spook HouseNote: Repeat from 11/08/86.

Halloween GreetingsSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) recite “The Raven.”

Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 5


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 11th, 1989

Chris Evert

Eurythmics

None

Lorne Michaels

Jeff Renaudo
Wimbledon LossRecurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth.

Montage

Chris Evert’s Monologue

Colon BlowTranscript

Bush at The Berlin WallRecurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Evert vs. NavratilovaNote: The newspaper montage features the theme music used for Saturday Night News (formerly Weekend Update and SNL Newsbreak) from 1982-84.

Recurring Characters: Martina Navratilova.

Bette Davis’ Videotape WillNote: That’s actually Jan Hooks making all the fast-forward sound effects of the VCR as she performs the “videotaped” will offstage. There’s one moment where she’s still performing the effects even though the tape is no longer fast-forwarding.

Recurring Characters: Bette Davis.

Eurythmics perform “Angel”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Kevin Nealon reviews X-rated movies. Annoying Man (Jon Lovitz) bothers Dennis Miller.

Recurring Characters: Annoying Man.

Lothar Of The Hill PeopleRecurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler, Org.

“Draw the Line”

Lyle, The Effeminate HeterosexualRecurring Characters: Lyle Billup, Mrs. Billup.

Transcript

Eurythmics perform “Baby’s Gonna Cry”

Passages

The Nude House of Wacky PeopleRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 5

89e: Chris Evert / Eurythmics

Bush At The Berlin Wall

President Bush…..Dana Carvey

[display: image of seal of the president]

Announcer: We interrupt this program for a special address from the president of the United States.

[ cut to President Bush, with the Berlin Wall and onlookers in the background ]

President Bush: Good evening, should I say “guten morgen.” Almost dawn here in Berlin. People behind me doin’ that freedom thing, dancin’, standin’ around up there talkin’ to each other. Party on you freedom fighters. Some standin’ on top of the wall, some standin’ on the ground, some wanting to get up on the wall; not enough room. Guy up there with a pick axe doin’ that thing goin’ up and down, goin’ round and round up there, breaking that wall that separated a people. Not any more. Many presidents tried to get that wall down, unsuccessful! Unsuccessful! And of course 3 months ago I had an idea, made a little speech.. [ takes out a paper from his pocket ] ..and I quote the Washington Post, July 18, 1989, right here: “‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall,’ said Bush.” [ wheezing laugh ] Does that make me a great president, am I an Abe Lincoln up here? [ laughs again, puts the paper away ]

Too early to tell, not enough information, wouldn’t be prudent. But the facts remain: before Bush, wall; with Bush, no wall! Kinda makes you wonder what else I could achieve. Many issues lie ahead. Reunification of Germany, that big country comin’ together like it does. Scary. Sure they are frightening people, got that track record of theirs. Sword of Siegfried comin’ at ya. But this time, unification under democracy. Chancellor Helmut Kohl, good friend of mine, worked closely with him, Barr and I broke bread with the man. Not a Hitler; Hitler was bad! Bad! Kohl: good! Egon Krenz: don’t know ’em!

So to sum up: Krenz: don’t know him; Hitler: bad! Kohl: good! Dan Quayle: still gaining acceptance. The wall: comin’ down. Me: enthusiastic but prudent. Out in front of the situation, not too far, playin’ it just right. Before Bush, wall; with Bush, wall obliterated! Place in history secure [ awkward pause ] Bye!

[ cut to presidential seal ]

Announcer: This has been the president of the United States.

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts