Category: 1989

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


September 30th, 1989

Bruce Willis

Neil Young

None

Tom Davis
A Message From the White HouseSummary: President Bush (Dana Carvey) addresses the nation on his family’s events over the summer.

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Bruce Willis’ MonologueSummary: Ex-caterer Bruce Willis is back, and sings “Pep Talk” with the SNL Band.

Bio: Bruce Willis (1955-), whose four-year run on ABC’s detective series, “Moonlighting”, ended just a few months before his SNL hosting, catapulted to fame after starring in the film “Die Hard.” He was married to Demi Moore until the year 2000, and occasionally records blues albums.

Transcript

thirtysomething CerealSummary: Relieves the drama that starts your morning.

Airplane TerroristsSummary: While on an airplane, Dave (Bruce Willis) entertains passengers with his constant quips. He continues to do so even as the airplane is hijacked by a group of terrorists, whose leader (Phil Hartman) is willing to kill as many passengers as necessary to get the quips to stop.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Rockin’ in the Free World”Bio: Rocker Neil Young (1945-) was a member of Buffalo Springfield in the 1960’s, and occasionally performed with Crosby, Stills & Nash (he wrote the song “Ohio” while with the group) during the 1970’s. As a solo performer, Young has also been backed regularly by the band Crazy Horse. His full name is Neil Percival Kenneth Robert Ragland Young.

Also Performed: 92h, 99r, 05i.

Lyrics

SprocketsSummary: Dieter (Mike Myers) welcomes Jimmy Stewart (Dana Carvey) to the show. Jimmy reads a collection of his poems, which sound cute and innocent until he reveals the dark backstories behind them.

Recurring Characters: Dieter, Jimmy Stewart.

Transcript

Donahue Promo ISummary: In a display of his desperate bid for topics, Phil Donahue (Phil Hartman) announces that women who name their breasts will be on his next show.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Imelda Marcos (Nora Dunn) wants to get rid of her dead husband’s body. Following SNL’s 15th anniversary special, Dennis Miller shows off clips from tonight’s episode. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on the issue of flag-burning.

Recurring Characters: Imelda Marcos.

Home Improvement with the Anal-Retentive CarpenterSummary: Anal-retentive Gene (Phil Hartman) never gets around to constructing a window frame once he’s sidetracked by the disposal of a board with an ugly knot in it.

Recurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

Transcript

Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) are psyched to welcome Aurora High’s coolest senior, Rick (Bruce Willis), to the show. In addition to unveiling the new cool word for the school year, Rick makes a prank call to Wayne’s mom (Nora Dunn), who’s throwing a party upstairs.

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Mrs. Campbell, Nancy.

Transcript

Neil Young performs “Needle & The Damage Done”

Neil Young performs “No More”

Bruce Willis: The Man and His MusicSummary: All of Bruce Willis’ product jingles sound exactly the same, but fulfill the goal of supporting his extravagent lifestyle.

Donahue Promo IISummary: Still desperate for topics, Phil Donahue (Phil Hartman) announces that shoelaces that get caught inside the shoe will be the focus of his next show.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Transcript

Johnny’s ReplacementSummary: 40’s actor Johnny O’Connor (Phil Hartman) is upstaged by newcomer Marty Murphy (Bruce Willis).

Recurring Characters: Johnny O’Connor, Harry Meyer.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

A Message From the White House

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: And now, from the White House, the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, President George Bush sitting behind a desk from which his bare legs are visible ]

President George Bush: Alright, good evening, good evening. You know, it’s been a while since I’ve talked to ya’! Lemme tell ya, it’s been a good summer, out there in the.. Bush family compound out up there in Kennenbunkport Bay, that – that whole area up there. Out in that speedboat going ’round and ’round, doing loop-de-loops. [ chuckles ] Did some fishing! Didn’t catch any – not the point! No – no, sir. Got out there on that water, got in that re-lax-a-tion mode, re-charge the batteries.

You know, I feel good. Voice – voice low. Voice.. low – getting lower. Doctors tell me it can go lower even still. Whining, screeching – thing of the past. Hurricane Hugo, doing that damage down there. Going ’round and ’round, doing that hurricane thing down there. A lot of damage. Natural disaster – not.. my.. fault! Spending relief; sending it down there – not too much, not too quickly. Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.

And the drug problem. Bigger than ever. [ motions, then holds up a bag of cocaine crack ] This is cocaine crack. I’ll tell you something: this crack was bought right here, in the White House, three feet from this desk. Drug problem, worse than we ever thought. Marijuana being grown in the Rose Garden. Millie, the Bush dog, bringing in crackpipe from the South Lawn. It’s bad! Bad! Had to close down an ecstasy factory in the Lincoln Bedroom. We’re gonna whip it, with a three-pronged attack. First prong: Education; tell our kids that it’s bad! Second prong: Interdiction; self-explanatory. Third prong: a secret; secret prong. Not gonna reveal it now – wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.

Now, allow me to say a personal word to the Medellin cartel: You know, this week you threatened to kidnap members of my family. Well, let me see you try! My kids: Jeb, packing heat. My son Neil, knows thirty ways to kill a man, and all of them work! [ smiles ] Neil [ Carvey accidentally says Jeb ] can make an incision under the chin with his bare hands, pull the face up over the skull – skull laid bare! He can thrust his hand through a man’s chest cavity, pull out the heart while it’s still beating, show it to the victim, still enough blood in the victim’s brain to see it! Show it to ‘im before the body collapses to the floor. Seen it, seen it many times! Doro, my only daughter, just graduated from an evasive driving course. And that leave us with Bar, my wife. Bar lived a full life – ready to die. Has a cyanide capsule on that necklace of hers. Will bite down when and if the time comes.

So, to sum up: Hurricane Hugo, not.. my.. fault; this summer, good; voice, low; Dan Quayle, still gainning acceptance; drugs, bad! Jeb, packing heat; Neil, trained killer; and Bar, ready to die. Once again, those – those people up there.. [ points off-camera to the crew ] ..doing that thing up there, trying to drag me into that “Live, from New York” thing, something I’m not gonna do. Not gonna do it! Not gonna go out there and say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiightt!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Home Improvement with the Anal-Retentive Carpenter

Anal-Retentive Gene…..Phil Hartman

[ open on PBS logo ]

[ dissolve to Chubb logo ]

Announcer: The following program is brought to you by a Grant from the Chubb Group.

[ dissolve to Home Improvement set, Anal-Retentive Gene measuring a window in the background as classical music intros the program ]

Announcer: It’s time for Home Improvement, with the Anal-Retentive Carpenter.

[ Gene turns, and deposits his tape measure into his tool belt ]

Anal-Retentive Gene: Hello, and welcome to The Anal-Retentive Carpenter. I’m Gene. And, today, we’re going to be building a window box, for our window. Now, what do we need for this project? [ eases over to a blueprint tacked onto a corkboard ] Well, we need our blueprints here. We need a wide array of tools, and, as always, lots and lots of careful planning. But we know that, don’t we? You know, there’s an old saying that goes: “The best laid plans of mice and men oft gang aglay.” But we don’t intend to gang aglay here, now do we? No, we don’t. Now, our blueprint calls for us to cut two boards. [ frowns at the blueprint ] But it doesn’t call for.. a silly, hazardous placement of pushpins. [ removes some erronously placed pushpins from the corkboard ] So, let’s.. just straighten this out. Take these extras off. We’ll just leave the blue ones, because they blend in nicely. Put these nasties over here. [ places the pushpins onto his work table ]

And, of course, our tool belt is loaded and ready for use. [ shows off his tool belt to the camera, then points out the individual contents ] Now.. we’ve got our hammer, our pliers, our tape measure, our awl, clamp, extension cord, screwdriver, and marker. That’s H-P-T-A-C-E-S-M. I can remember it by repeating to myself: “Howard Plants Tulips And Chrysanthemums Every Sunday Morning.” [ holds up the awl, then returns it to its rightful pocket ] Actually, I never use my awl, but I need it there to keep the syntax correct.

Now! Let’s take a look at our lumber! [ picks up a large plank ] We have a sturdy plank here. [ picks up second strip ] And we have a matching 1×2. You know, choosing lumber is very important, so don’t let them rush you at the lumber yard. I picked this piece out in about.. oh.. an hour and forty-five minutes. And.. it’s a pretty good board, don’t you think? It’s not perfect by any means. [ points out a flaw or two ] It has this knot here.. and the grain isn’t exactly as uniform as I’d like, and.. [ does a double-take ] oh, there’s a little blemish that I didn’t see when I bought this. Hmm. Well, I guess we’re just going to have to put this little fellow into the kindling box. But. I want to cut that knot off first. Because I don’t want that staring back at me from the fireplace. [ places the board into the vise and clamp ]

So, let’s clamp our defective timber into our vise, and get it ready to cut. And! How do we cut our board? Well. We remove our saw from our saw sheath. [ pulls his saw out of a decorative sheath ] No corrosion on this little darling. And let’s uncover our ltitle mini-vac. [ retrieves his mini-vac from another decorative cover ] And, lining up our saw with our thumbnail, we.. [ vacuums saw dust as he saws the board ] cut and clean.. cut and clean.. and cut.. and clean. [ the stray piece separates and falls to the floor ] There. now, this piece is all ready for the fireplace. [ picks up the stray piece ] And this ltitle devil is ready for the trash. Now, how od we discard our wooden refuse? [ picks up scrapbasket from underneath table ] Well, we get our little scrapbasket here, and we remove a scrapbag. [ opens scrapbag ] Place our scrap inside the bag, fold it over – keeping the corners square – [ grabs stapler ] and we staple – once – and twice. Now, of course, there is the problem of the staples punching through our plastic trash bag, but watch this. [ removes a second scrapbag ] We get another bag. And.. we slide the first scrapbag in – staples first – like this. [ struggles to get the first bag into the second ] Come on! Get in there, you little demon! [ finally gets the first bag into the second ] There! There he goes! Now! We staple again – but – we do not fold over this time. [ grabs the stapler again ] Staple once – and staple twice. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But, Gene, those staples could burst through that plastic trash bag as well.” Well. They can’t, and here’s why. Because we make a little cuff. [ folds the top of the bag into a cuff, smiles proudly ] That covers the staples. There! Ready for the trash. And this is some wooden refuse we can live with! [ grabs his scrapbasket ] And this goes back under our workbench.

Al-right. Put my cover back on — [ replaces the decorative cover on his mini-vac, then stops ] Oh. I’m replacing our mini-vac cozy – and I notice some of you are probably admiring this. [ cut to close-up of the cozy ] I call this my Dust Buster Duster. I made it out of courdoroy, some cotton ribbon, and little macaroni shells. [ return to full shot ] I think – well – it just cheers up the whole appliance!

Alright. Back to our project. [ slides the saw across the workbench ] Now – we’ve pre-marked our 1×12 there. [ holds up the thick board with an equally thick cutting line drawn vertically on it ] And – oh! My, what a bold little mark we are. I think we should take that down with an art gum eraser – [ places the board down and reaches across the table for his art gum eraser ] which I keep handy – [ starts to use the art gum eraser, then, hitting a revelation, stops and stares at the camera with a sly grin ] Art gum eraser. There’s an “A” I use all the time! [ pulls the awl out of his toolbelt ] So we can get rid of this awful awl. I’ll just put my art gum eraser in there, but now we have to put this away. So let’s get our toolbox. [ reaches under the workbench for his toolbox, which is decoratively inscribed “Gene” ] Put that on our table here — [ places the toolbox down, then spreads it open ] and open it up – now! We have everything arranged in alphabetical order, so – we’re gonna have to bump things, because “awl” starts with an “A.” [ closing theme music pots up ] And that means our chalk is gonna have to go where “chuck” is. so, I’ll just – oh!

[ show logo dissolves up, as Gene mini-vacs some dust he spies inside the toolbox ]

Announcer: This has been Home Improvement, with the Anal-Retentive Carpenter.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Donahue Promo I

Phil Donahue…..Phil Hartman

[FADE IN on Phil standing in a navy blue suit against a nondescript gray wall. The band plays the “Donahue” theme song.]

Phil Donahue: You’re a lonely American male! You’ve decided to jump back into the dating game! You take Mary Lou to dinner, and during an intimate moment, you discover that you’re also out with Leslie and Becky! Women who name their breasts! Next “Donahue.”

[The theme stops as he nods ruefully. SUPERIMPOSE a gold and white “DONAHUE” caption across the bottom of the screen. FADE to black over laughter and applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Donahue Promo II

Phil Donahue…..Phil Hartman

[FADE IN on Donahue looking exactly the same as before.]

Phil Donahue: You can barely walk, you can’t concentrate on your work, you feel like you’re going insane! When your shoelace is caught INSIDE your shoe, on the next “Donahue.”

[Phil nods ruefully as the gold-and-white “DONAHUE” caption appears. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Goodnights

…..Bruce Willis

[ return from commercial to bumper of Bruce Willis with his hand resting on his head ]

[ dissolve to Bruce standing at Home Base, flanked on both sides by Jon Lovitz and Phil Hartman still dressed like Phil Donahue; Neil Young is nowhere in sight ]

Bruce Willis: Uh.. [ laughs, as Neil Young strolls across the back of the crowd ] Thank you very much, we had, uh, a lot of fun tonight doing this show. I want to thank my, uh.. [ looking around for him ] musical guest – Neil Young. how about it! [ everyone cheers and claps, as Neil Young moves a little bit forward from the rear of the crowd, throws up his arms, smiles, and accepts various high-fives ] Way to go, Neil!

[ Jon Lovitz mumbles something indistinct over the applause ]

Bruce Willis: If any of you are driving home tonight.. please take the car. [ Phil Hartman laughs ] I had a good time. Goodbye. Good night. We’ll see you soon. Adios!

[ the credits roll, as everyone hugs one another. Phil Hartman wanders from castmember to castmember, holding his fisted hand out like a microphone and pretends to interview each of them in the style of Phil Donahue. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Bruce Willis’ Monologue

…..Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis: Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you. It’s good to be back, hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Now, a lot of people don’t know this, but, uh.. back in 1979, I worked here at “Saturday Night Live” for a brief period. Not as a performer, but.. as a caterer. I delivered, uh.. (crue-de-t’at ??).. almonds.. to the cast members; it was very good. I took pride in my work. However, I was let go. They said I had an attitude problem. So, I left. Time has passed, things have happened. Now, “Saturday Night Live” has asked me to come back. I told them I’m no longer in the catering business. They said it didn’t matter, they wanted me to come back anyway. I nearly said “Yes!” right then. But, of course, my feelings were still hurt, and I told them I would only come back to the show if I could sing with the band. And they said, “Fine, we’d like to think about it.” Well, that was two years ago. They’ve had time to think about it, I’ve had time to think about it, so, if you don’t mind, right now I still would like to play with the band. G.E., are you ready?

[ the house band breaks into song, as Bruce whips out his harmonica and joins them for a number ]

[ singing ]

“You told me how hard you think you’re working
You say your 9 to 5 done got you down!
Just grab your stuff and come on down to my place, yeah!
We’re gonna show you how to fool around!

It’s all right!It’s okay!Need a pep talk.

I can’t tell you hoew to run your life, boy
But all I know is time is passing by!
Let’s get going, this ain’t no rehearsal, yeah
Don’t be scared to crack a little smile.

You’re all right!You’re okay!Need a pep talk.

I…. want to tell you something, oh yeah
Any day you waste, you won’t get back
I…. had to learn the hard way, oh yeah
But a little pep talk put me back on track!”

[ wailing harmonica interlude ]

“You’ve got a good thing, you don’t even know it!
All work, no play, makes Jack a little lbue!
But if it don’t kill you, it just makes you stronger, yeah!
Let’s take some time, we’ll concentrate on you.

You’re all right!You’re okay!Need a pep talk.

Whooooo!”

[ playing harmonica ]

Here we go!

[ music pauses ]Huh-ow!

We’ll be right back, we got a great show! Neil Young is here, we’ll be right back! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Neil Young performs “Rockin’ in the Free World”

…..Neil Young

Bruce Willis: Ladies and gentlemen – Neil Young!

Neil Young:
“There’s colors on the street
Red, white and blue
People shufflin’ their feet
People sleepin’ in their shoes
But there’s a warnin’ sign
on the road ahead
There’s a lot of people sayin’
we’d be better off dead
Don’t feel like Satan,
but I am to them
So I try to forget it,
any way I can.

Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world
Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world.

I see a woman in the night
With a baby in her hand
Under an old street light
Near a garbage can
Now she puts the kid away,
and she’s gone to get a hit
She hates her life,
and what she’s done to it
There’s one more kid
that will never go to school
Never get to fall in love,
never get to be cool.

Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world
Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world.

We got a thousand points of light
For the homeless man
We got a kinder, gentler,
Machine gun hand
We got department stores
and toilet paper
Got styrofoam boxes
for the ozone layer
Got a man of the people,
says keep hope alive
Got fuel to burn,
got roads to drive.

Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world
Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
Keep on rockin’ in the free world.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Airplane Terrorists

Dave…..Bruce Willis
Woman…..Victoria Jackson
Terrorist Leader…..Phil Hartman
Terrorist Band…..Mike Myers, Kevin Nealon
Man…..Jon Lovitz
Second Man…..Tom Davis
Nun…..
Third Man…..Dana Carvey
Fight Attendant…..Jan Hooks

[ open on exterior, cheap prop plane being pulled across a fake sky by a visible string ]

[ dissolve to interior, crowded airplane, coach section ]

[ zoom in on Dave talking to a woman in the second row from the back ]

Dave: — I say we get out of here right now. Come on! This midair thing – it’s just not you! What do you say? I can picture it: a life raft, a warm breeze.. a six-pack of champagne?

Woman: [ laughs, enjoying herself ]

Dave: By the way – my name’s Dave. My friends call me Dave, but you can call me Boo-Boo Bear!

Woman: [ laughs again ] Boo-Boo Bear! You’re so funny! You know – we’ve been on this plane three hours, and you have not said one unfunny thing! I mean, I’ve never met anybody who was so constantly witty! Are you ever serious?

Dave: [ still kidding around ] For a very brief time – in the morning. And, if you’re lucky, you may get to see me early in the morning!

Woman: [ laughs harder ] You’re incredible!

[ the playful banter is interrupted by the intrusion of a band of terrorists. Their leader addresses the crowd ]

Terrorist Leader: SILENCE!! Nobody has to move! We’re perfectly ready to KILL you – one – by – one. If anyone gives us ANY reason at all! Is that clear!

Dave: Not exactly! I’m a little confused on that “any reason at all” thing. Would, say, tugging on your beard – would that be a good reason?

Woman: [ unable to help herself, the woman Dave has been flirting with chuckles ]

Terrorist Leader: WHAT?! You think that is FUNNY?! Then, you die! [ to his band of terrorists ] Take her!

Woman: Oh, my God! No! No! No!

[ she is pulled toward the cockpit and shot twice, as the other passengers scream in panic ]

Terrorist Leader: Well! now you see that we mean business! We MEAN what we SAY!

Dave: Ah! But do you say what you mean Because you can SAY what you MEAN, and still not mean what you say! But you know what the really, most important thing is? Your HEALTH! You HAVE your health!

Terrorist Leader: [ growls in frustration ] KILL another! [ points to the man seated in the row in front of Dave ]

[ the band of terrorists yank the man out of his seat, much to his surprise, and pull him toward the cockpit ]

Man: What?! No, no! Please!! HE said it!!

[ two more shots ring out, as the other passengers scream ]

Terrorist Leader: [ ambles over to Dave ] SO! Yoo thought this was a JOKE!

Dave: [ chuckles ] No, no, this is a joke: Three ragheads walk into a bar – see?

Terrorist Leader: ENOUGH!! [ to his band ] KILL two more!

[ the band yank a man and a woman from their seats in the back row and pull them toward the cockpit ]

Second Man: No! No! No, please!

[ three shots ring out, the other passengers scream ]

Terrorist Leader: NEXT! We will.. [ looks around, points to a nun ] KILL THE NUN!! [ points a stern finger at Dave ] THAT will eat at you for the rest of your LIFE!

Dave: You mean, like that Coach Class cannoloni they gave me a half-an-hour ago! [ laughs ]

Terrorist Leader: [ outraged ] INCREDIBLE!! [ grabs the nun ] You! Come with me!

Nun: No! Please! No! No! No!

[ the Terrorist Leader himself drags the nun toward the cockpit ]

Dave: Write when you get work!

[ two more shots from the cockpit, everyone continues to scream in horror ]

[ a third man approaches Dave from the rear of the plane ]

Third Man: Look, uh, excuse me, I don’t want to interrupt, but, uh – we really think you’re clever. I mean, you really come up with them like that! [ snaps his fingers in rhythm ] I mean, it’s very entertaining —

Dave: [ still “on” ] Well, you obviously haven’t read the in-flight magazine – now, that is some entertainment, my friend!

Thir Man: [ laughs, in spite of himself ] Well, it just seems that it-it-it’s causing a lot of people to die! To die —

[ Terrorist Leader stomps down the aisle ]

Terrorist Leader: What’s going on?!

Dave: Just girl talk, nothing you’d be interested in!

Terrorist Leader: [ fumed, points at the third man ] HE dies!

[ the band grabs him, and drags him toward the cockpit ]

Third Man: Wait a minute! Hey! I was trying to STOP him!! IDIOT!!

[ two shots ring out, passengers scream and cry ]

Terrorist Leader: Now! I have decided that we have killed too many to land in grace. We are going to Beirut!

Dave: [ raises his hand ] Uh, question: Will this be added to my frequent-flyer mileage?

Terrorist Leader: [ angry, points to the back row ] That whole row! Kill them ALL!!

[ the band raise their machine guns and fire rapidly toward the back row ]

Terrorist Leader: A little more over there.

[ the band fire a few more shots out towar the back row ]

Terrorist Leader: [ turns to Dave ] You know, THAT was not even a particularly GOOD quip! But, yet, so many DIED! Does this not HORRIFY YOU?!

Dave: [ stands ] You want to know what horrifies me, Habib? That you’re still doing this Don Johnson number with your beard – the show’s been cancelled, my friend – wake up! Now, look – it’s over! you’ve been out in the sand a little too long! Look, you can’t just go from riding camels to hijacking planes! You gotta work your way UP! Try some agricultural machinery – if that works out, hijack a truck! If you’re still in the business after that, look me up. [ hands over his business card ] Here’s my card – just don’t call me before eleven!

Terrorist Leader: [ has finally had enough ] That’s it. [ removes a hand grenade from his pocket ] ONE more quip.. and I am BLOWING UP THIS PLANE!!

[ the other passengers do their best to hide under their seats ]

Dave: Hold it, hold it, hold it, buddy! Can you at least wait until after the movie’s over? I’m out three bucks for these headphones!

Terrorist Leader: [ frustrated ] D’ohhhhhhhhh!! [ pulls the pin from the hand grenade ]

[ cut to the exterior shot of the prop plane dangiling on the string, as it explodes, leaving nothing but the tail section left to drop ]

[ cut to Dave and the Flight Attendant floating to the ground, their arms waving through the air ]

Dave: I figure we got two minutes – if we keep the floor flight of forty seconds, we’ll be in GREAT shape!

Flight Attendant: [ laughs ] You are SO clever! [ laughs ]

[ frame widens to reveal the Terrorist Leader also floating down and laughing with them ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 1

89a: Bruce Willis / Neil Young

Sprockets

Announcer…..Phil Hartman
Dieter…..Mike Myers
Jimmy Stewart…..Dana Carvey

[FADE IN on the “Sprockets” opening, with the nuclear bomb and city scenes.]

Announcer: Shprockets. Shprockets. Vest German television presents, “Shprockets.” Vith your host: Dieter.

[SUPERIMPOSE “LIVE SHOW” and then FADE to Dieter.]

Dieter: Velcome to “Shprockets,” I am your host, Dieter. Tonight our guest is vone of America’s foremost poets of anarchy and rebellion. An obsessed outcast, whose dark visions drag us to the edge. His book, “Jimmy Shtewart and His Poems”… [holds up book] …is filled with biting images that assault the senses, unmasking both reader and poet alike in a macabre dance of despair. He has also appeared in films. Please velcome Jimmy Shtewart!

[Audience cheers as Dieter stands up, claps stiffly, and then sits again. Jimmy Stewart finally dodders onstage in a dark gray suit and dark-rimmed glasses. He takes a seat next to Dieter.]

Dieter: Mr. Shtewart. Critic Graus Greck, in the latest issue of “Verdkunst,” described your book as an asylum, vhere man meets his Creator and screams.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, uh, thank you, Dieter. That’s, uh… Y’know–y’know, Gloria and I are big fans of YOURS.

Dieter: In your poem, “Old Rocking Chair,” you write: “You sit in the corner/Old rocking chair/It makes me feel good/To know you are there.”

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah…

Dieter: I feel emotionally obliterated.

Jimmy Stewart: I’m glad–glad–glad to HEAR that, y’see, good poetry is about DESTRUCTION.

Dieter: Under vhat conditions does a man experience such raw truth?

Jimmy Stewart: Well, Dieter, it’s no picnic, I can tell you that right now. I was holed up in a Mexico City slum. I hadn’t eaten in weeks, and what few pesos I had, I’d spent on alcohol. Some cheap crap called chocho. I was down and out. That’s when I wrote “Good Old Rockin’ Chair.” You see, you’ve gotta go through the PAIN.

Dieter: And vhat of your poem, “Funny Little Pooch”?

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah. There’s a rather interesting story about that “Funny Little Pooch” thing… There was a period of intense creativity for me, Dii-eter.

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: Dooter.

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah. yeah. You know, I’d been hitchhiking through Paraguay when I finally settled in Bella Cristo with a 15-year-old WHORE. For a week straight, I was either having sex or hallucinating. Yeah… And then I woke up one morning and she was GONE… she’s just–just GONE. And she’d taken all my stuff, and I–I just got crazy paranoid for a minute–well–you–know–how it can be. And I just curled up on that floor like a little baby, and just bawled my eyes out. And–and then a very interesting thing happened. I realized that I was just a speck of crud in a godless VOID. And twenty minutes later, I’d written “Funny Little Pooch.”

Dieter: Jimmy Shtewart: you are a running sore. Running from yourself, yet your scab heals us all.

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah. Yeah. Well, y’know, I just do what I do.

[laughter]

Dieter: May I read a passage from “My Kitten, My Pal”?

Jimmy Stewart: Well, I’d be HONORED, Dau-Daughter.

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: Dooter.

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah.

Dieter: [reading] “My kitten, my pal/You sit on my lap–”

Jimmy Stewart: Well, well, now–now–wait a minute. Now, now, you gotta read it–you gotta SCREAM it, like it’s a matter of life and death, you, can-can I show you… how, here… [takes book from him]

Dieter: Go right ahead.

Jimmy Stewart: All right… [reading] “My kitten, my pal/You sit on my lap/You’re a friendly sort of chap.” [muttering] I’m a little… thirsty here…

[Jimmy picks up a bottle of tequila and swigs from it.]

Jimmy Stewart: Now… GOOD.

[sets bottle down between him and Dieter]

Jimmy Stewart: [reading] “A little bit of gray and a little bit of white/I’ll tell you, little kitten/You’re doing all right.” Yeah.

Dieter: That poem pulls down my pants and taunts me.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, that’s exactly what it’s supposed to do. Yeah, it’s not rare when something happens like–I wrote that one on a piece of toilet paper, after waking up in a puddle of my own SICK.

[laughter]

Jimmy Stewart: Now, it wasn’t pretty, wasn’t pretty.

Dieter: Is it true that you vonce killed a man?

Jimmy Stewart: N-now, now, wait a minute there, Daughter. No–

Dieter: Dieter.

Jimmy Stewart: That’s right, Dieter. No man ever really dies by the hand of another, you see, every man’s responsible for his own DEATH. And by the way, you haven’t asked me if I want to touch your MONKEY.

Dieter: I thought it beneath you.

Jimmy Stewart: Well, Dieter, if that monkey knew where I’d been, he wouldn’t LET me touch him.

Dieter: Then touch him. Touch him! Touch my monkey! [babbles in German] Touch him, LOVE HIM!

Jimmy Stewart: [walks over to monkey] All right, you little pal, let’s go–

[Dieter’s monkey squeals and jumps off his pedestal after Jimmy touches him.]

Jimmy Stewart: [yanks back hand] Oh! Oh, son of a bitch BIT me!

[Jimmy leaps back to the table and breaks off the top of the tequila bottle.]

Jimmy Stewart: [brandishing broken bottleneck] C’mon, monkey, let’s see what’s in that belly of yours!

Dieter: [standing up] Now is the time on “Shprockets” when we dance!

[The theme song starts up as the other dancers join Dieter and dance stiffly. After a moment, Jimmy squats down and starts doing the Charleston.]

Dieter: That’s all the time we have on “Shprockets.” Our guest has been Jimmy Shtewart. My name is Dieter. Auf wiedersehen.

[Dieter trots up close to the camera and dances in front of it.]

Jimmy Stewart: Hi, Gloria! [waves] I’ll see ya in six weeks! I’m making a pit stop in Turkey!

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts