Category: 1989

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 9

89i: Andie MacDowell / Tracy Chapman

The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Christmas

Santa Claus…..Phil Hartman
Mrs. Claus…..Nora Dunn
Hanukkah Harry….Jon Lovitz
Scott…..Mike Myers
Christine…..Victoria Jackson

[Sketch opens with strains of ‘Joy to the World’ as snow falls gently besidea small house, with a tiny sign indicating the North Pole.]

[Inside, Santa Claus is in bed wearing red flannel P.J.’s. Mrs. Claus removes a thermometer from his mouth.]

Mrs. Claus: You’re just too sick, Santa. You have to stay in bed and that’s that.

Santa Claus: But it’s Christmas Eve! What about all the boys and girls?

Mrs. Claus: (pats his hand) They’ll just have to understand.

Santa Claus: No! I’ve delivered toys every Christmas for almost 2000 years! I’m not going to let a little stomach virus stop me. (wretches and vomits violently into a bucket held by an elf at his bedside.) Ohhh.. I feel like dying..

Mrs. Claus: Why can’t the elves deliver the toys?

Santa Claus: The elves just don’t possess the magic to visit the millions and millions of boys and girls in one night!

Mrs. Claus: Well, then I guess there isn’t going to be a Christmas.

Santa Claus: Well, there is one man who has that kind of magic, only he’s kinda’ busy this time of year himself.

Mrs. Claus: You mean..

Santa Claus: That’s right.. Hanukkah Harry!

[Cut to a shot of a small factory sitting next to a sign reading “Mt Sinai”]

[Inside we see a whole plethora of people working at sewing machines. Thephone rings at the desk of a man with a gray beard, wearing a hat identicalto Santa’s, only it’s blue rather than red. He is writing with a feather andink at his desk.]

Hanukkah Harry: Hello? [pause] Speaking. [pause] Who? Oh hello, Santa! [yells to his staff] Hey! Could you hold it down, please, it’s longdistance.

[They proceed working and their sewing machines suddenly register at half volume.]

Hanukkah Harry: Well, Santa you’ve kinda caught me at a bad time, this being Hanukkah and all, but why not?! [hangs up]

[Fade into opening credits:]

[Hallmark in Association with the Jewish Anti-Defamation league presents:]

[The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Christmas!]

[As the theme song is sung, we see Harry dressed in a gray suit flyingthrough the air on a rickety cart pulled by 3 donkeys with blue blanketsbearing their names.]

Song:
“On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo!
It’s Hanukkah Harry 8 nights a year!
On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo!
Means that Hanukkah Harry is here!
Delivering Toys to Jewish girls and Jewish boys
We dance the horah around the menorah
‘Cuz Hanukkah Harry is Here!”

[We see a globe turning with a tiny miniature of Harry travelling around it,representing his trip to the North Pole. Once again we see the tiny pole andsign representing the home of Santa and the Mrs.]

[Mrs. Claus enters Santa’s bedroom with Harry.]

Mrs. Claus: We can’t thank you enough Hanukkah Harry…Santa just can’t keep anything down.

Hanukkah Harry: Try a little cottage cheese.it’ll settle his stomach.

Santa Claus: (Holding his stomach and looking green) Harrrry..

Hanukkah Harry: Santa, I brought you a coffee ring.

Santa Claus: Thank you but I can’t keep anything down.

Hanukkah Harry: You should maybe try a little cottage cheese, It’ll settle your.. so I’m here.. talk to me.

Santa Claus: Harry..here’s a list of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

Hanukkah Harry: Hmm.. Brad Anderson, naughty. Now what’d he do that was so bad?

Santa Claus: His parents had some company over and he spoke when he wasn’t spoken to.

Hanukkah Harry: What is with you people?! What, is that a crime? He’s a kid! Kids talk. I’ll bring him a little something. Now listen, you get some rest, I’ll deliver the toys, and tomorrow I’ll call ya’. Don’t worry!

[Harry goes to leave and once again Mrs. C attempts to express theirgratitude.]

Mrs. Claus: Hanukkah Harry, we can’t thank you enough!

Hanukkah Harry: Oy! Stop..you’re embarrasing me!” [exits]

Mrs. Claus: (sits at Santa’s bedside, relieved) What a nice man!

Santa Claus: You know, I guess deep down everybody is pretty much the same.

[They stop talking as they hear from Harry whip his donkeys bray and heshouts “On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo!”]

[Again we see the globe spinning as the cart carrying Harry delivers toysaround the world.]

[Fade into the exterior of a suburban neighborhood, lit for Christmas.]

[Inside young Scott and Christine sneak down the stairs in their pajamas.]

Scott: Look! The milk and cookies are still there!Christine: “I told you, he won’t come until we fall asleep!

[From outside the children hear noise on the roof, donkeys braying and avoice yells “Whoa Moische! Whoa Herschel! Whoa Schlomo!” The children jumpup and down excitedly.]

Scott: It’s him! It’s Santa Claus!

Christine: Quick! HIDE![As the children perch beside the Christmas tree, we hear squeezing noises and Harry and his blue hat come head first down the chimney. He yells “Oy!” He carries a blue sack with a menorah painted on it.]

Hanukkah Harry: Tree.Tree find the tree..Oh here we go!”

[As he heads toward the tree he notices the milk and cookies on the mantle.]

Hanukkah Harry: What’s this? (sniffs the milk) Better put it in the fridge before it turns!

[As he walks toward the kitchen, Scott is unable to contain his excitement and leaps out at Harry.]

Scott: Santa!

Hanukkah Harry: Oy! Ach! You gave me a coronary! What are you kids doing up?

Scott: We were just too excited, we couldn’t sleep!

Christine: Yeah We’re sorry. It doesn’t mean we won’t get any toys, does it?

Hanukkah Harry: What?! For insomnia? Don’t be silly. Try some warm milk, or bananas.. they have a little tryptophan, put you out like a light!

Scott: You don’t look like Santa. Santa’s supposed to have a red suit and a cherry nose. You have a black suit and your nose is..

Hanukkah Harry: [waves the description off] You’re a very smart boy. I’m not Santa Claus, I’m Hanukkah Harry.

Christine: Hanukkah Harry?

Hanukkah Harry: Yes, Santa, he had a stomach virus, so I’m filling in, bringing toys to all the Gentile boys and girls. Now Christine, Santa told me you’ve been very good. So I’m being especially nice to you. (hands her a present)

Christine: (excitedly rips open her gift) Socks?!

Hanukkah Harry: EIGHT pair, can you believe it?! And Scott, for you, some slacks!

[Scott opens a box with a pair of men’s pants.]

Hanukkah Harry: They’re a little big, but you’ll grow into ’em.Christine: “Gee, Hanukkah Harry, Thanks and everything, but normally Santabrings us toys and fun stuff.

Scott: Fun! Ha! Have I got fun! Christine, for you – a dreidel! And for you, son, some chocolate coins.

[The children are obviously disappointed.]

Christine: Wait a minute, I get it!

Scott: Get what?

Christine: Well you know how we’re always jealous of Rachel and Josh down the block ’cause they always get Hanukkah presents for 8 nights? Well maybe these are the kind of presents they get, so we shouldn’t be jealous!

Scott: You’re right! You’re right!

Christine: And if Hanukkah Harry is helping Santa, maybe that means that Christians and Jews, deep down, are pretty much the same. Maybe that’s the true meaning of Christmas!

[The group is surprised by the sound of sleigh bells and the sound of “Ho!Ho! Ho!” coming from outside.]

Kids: It’s Santa! Santa!

Hanukkah Harry: He must have tried the cottage cheese!”

[Santa slides down the chimney, fit as a fiddle, while the kids shriek andjump in disbelief.]

Santa Claus: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christine: (hugging Santa) “Santa Claus, it’s really YOU!

Santa Claus: Yes Christine, your little speech about the true meaning of Christmas magically cured my flu! Now I can relieve Hanukkah Harry anddeliver all the toys to all the gentile boys and girls!

Santa Claus: (digs through his sack) “Christine, Your not supposed to open this ’til tomorrow.

Hanukkah Harry: Oh COME ON!

Santa Claus: Alright, it’s a Barbie make-me-pretty!

Christine: OH THANK YOU SANTA!

Santa Claus: Scott, this is for you – a pellet gun!

Scott: We love you Santa!

Hanukkah Harry: What am I molded white fish all of a sudden?

Christine: Oh Hanukkah Harry! (kisses him) We love you too! If it wasn’t for you, we wouldn’t have had Christmas at all!

Santa Claus: She’s right, you know!

Hanukkah Harry: Oh Oy, STOP! You’re embarrassing me!

[The Hannukah Harry theme plays as the children play with their toys. Fadeout to see the globe with both Santa’s sleigh and Harry’s cart in flight.The words Merry Christmas ~ Happy Hanukkah are super-imposed on the screen.]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: Christy Zacharias

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 9

89i: Andie MacDowell / Tracy Chapman

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
Mrs. Claus … Victoria Jackson
… Al Franken
… Joe Franken

Music Intro: The coda of “Hey Jude” by theBeatles.

Don Pardo V/O: And, now, “Weekend Update” withanchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, andwhat can I tell ya?

[Newsweek cover with photo of President George Bushpointing with index finger to Soviet Premier MikhailGorbachev.] Boy, it might have been a short summitconference but, towards the end, these two guys got socozy, right after this photo was taken, Bush had Gorbypullin’ on his finger. …

You know, President Bush has claimed that recentpro-democracy changes in Czechoslovakia are the directresult of influence by his administration. In arelated story, Prague held its first free elections inover thirty years and Czech freedom fighter AlexanderDubcek has been linked to furloughed Massachusettsrapist Willie Horton. …

[Photo of Vice President Dan Quayle delivering aspeech] An awkward moment during his speech this weekin New York when Vice President Dan Quayle’s faceplate popped off. … [Doctored photo of Quayle withface gone, replaced by robot technology] … and theyhad to resolder a circuit board before the speechcould continue. … [cheers and applause]

[Photo of Secretary of State James Baker peepingthrough a hole in the Berlin Wall] Secretary of StateJames Baker was in West Berlin this week and couldn’tresist taking a peek through the Berlin Wall. Here’swhat he saw through the peephole. [Video of twoscantily-clad women boxers slugging it out in a bar]… Afterwards, he went backstage to meet one of theperformers. [Photo of Baker with a black eye, shakinghands with British Prime Minister Margaret “The IronMaiden” Thatcher] … [applause]

Egyptian authorities this week reopened aninvestigation into what really happened last year whena seven hundred pound chunk of the Sphinx plummeted tothe ground. The crumbling Sphinx — could it have beensabotage? To answer that question, the Egyptiangovernment has called in a blue-ribbon panel oferosion experts. [Photos of actress Joan Collins,evangelist Tammy Faye Bakker and one of the Gaborsisters] … [crowd oohs, Dennis cracks up, someapplause]

And, now, just in from the North Pole, is a veryperturbed Mrs. Claus. Hello, Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Hi, Dennis. [Cheers and applausefor bespectacled, white-haired Mrs. Claus who wears ared suit with white fur fringe – She speaks more insorrow than in anger as she waves to the crowd] Hello,everybody. Dennis, thank you so much for letting me dothis. I – I’m sick and tired of my husband ignoringme. And I know he watches the news every night so hemight see this. [pleading, into camera] Santa, I’vetried everything to distract you from making thosestupid toys all year and leaving me alone everyChristmas Eve with the elves. This is my final attemptto get your attention.

[Brief electric guitar intro, then Mrs. Claussings:]

Every year you go away
While I’m turning old and gray
Santa, please skip Christmas this year –

[Mrs. Claus pulls down her top to expose her bareshoulders, pulls off her white wig and tousles herblonde locks.]

I dyed my hair, I lost some weight
I could make ya feel really great
Santa, please skip Christmas this year –

[takes off eyeglasses]

Everybody knows by now
Santa Claus is just not how
Presents end up under the Christmas tree –
Look at me!

[slides over to embrace Dennis]

I’m horny as a bat from hell [kisses Dennis oncheek]
I need your love – can’t you tell?

[Instead of singing the line “Santa, please skipChristmas this year,” Mrs. Claus repeatedly smoochesDennis, smearing his face with lipstick – thenbreathlessly climbs up on the WU desk to poseprovocatively, revealing a short, fur-trimmed skirtand black stockings. Dennis tries to straighten hissheaf of news bulletins but she pushes themaway.]

We could drink some eggnog
Lay down by the fire
Think of all those tingly things
Our little red suits – could inspire

[climbs off desk]

Everyone knows you don’t exist
So you could never be missed
Pillows belong on a bed, not under yourshirt

[sits in Dennis’ lap]

Lose that list that you’ve checked twice
[puts her arms around Dennis]
I’ll be naughty, I’ll be nice
Put something in my stocking Christmas Eve
We could be rocking

The children will all be okay
[As she leans in toward the camera, her microphoneemits feedback]
Maybe we could even– [looks down at her mike,startled]
Oh!
Maybe– [glances back at Dennis, turns, winks intocamera]
Maybe we could even conceive some of our own today-
Santa, please skip Christmas this year –
[rises for a stop-time climax, shakes her hips]
I’ll ring your be-e-ells!
Santa, please skip Christmas this year –
Some milk and cookies!
[drops into Dennis’ lap again]
Santa, give it to me!
Thi–!
[quietly]
Give it to me –
[big finish]
This yeeeeeeeeear!

[Song ends, huge cheers and applause as Mrs. Clausgives Dennis a huge kiss on the lips, rises] Whoo hoo![laughing, she sits in her own chair again and watchesas Dennis fans himself with his sheaf of papers anduses a handkerchief to wipe some of the lipstick offhis face. She yells out:] Never mind, Santa Claus![sidles up to Dennis and lovingly takes hisarm]

Dennis Miller: Well. Thank you, Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: [shyly] Thank you. [exits]

Dennis Miller: Suddenly, I’m sitting here witha candy cane. … [applause, wipes off more lipstick]Wow. Now, is it just me or did she just get feedbackoff her breasts? You know– … [Dennis cracksup]

You know, today marks the birthday of Ludwig vanBeethoven, the noted eighteenth century composer whoinspired the hit song, “Roll Over, Beethoven.”…

And Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriverbecame parents this week for the first time. They hada beautiful baby daughter who was born in a LosAngeles hospital. The attending physician said there’sno mistaking it’s Arnold’s kid. The baby immediatelybegan doing pull-ups on the umbilical cord….

A judge ruled yesterday that reputed mob boss JohnGotti can learn the names of the jurors in hisupcoming assault trial — but not their businesses orhome addresses. Jury foreman John Smith said that heis not worried … but juror Laika Jardel Rapsanicksaid, “Yeah, I’m a little worried but, uh … I’mpretty sure he’s not guilty.” …

Last week, the National Capital Planning Commissionapproved a National Park Service proposal to give theWashington Monument grounds one of the most extensiveface lifts in its hundred and five year history. Thefirst step in the plan is to bring in, once again, ablue-ribbon panel of restoration experts. [Photos,once again, of actress Joan Collins, evangelist TammyFaye Bakker and one of the Gabor sisters] … [someapplause]

Tonight will be the last Weekend Update of the AlFranken Decade and here to give his thoughts on the’90s is Al Franken. Welcome, Al!

Al Franken: [cheers and applause forbespectacled Al Franken, in suit and tie] Thank you,Dennis. In December 1979, I sat behind this desk andasked you to think about what you could do for me, AlFranken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] … Well, it’s ten yearslater and I know you’re wondering what the ’90s willbring for me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] AnotherAl Franken Decade? No. No, in the ’90s, I’m going tobe looking beyond myself, Al Franken. [SUPER: ALFRANKEN] Because, frankly, I’m worried about the kindof world we’re leaving to my children. I’ve had twothis decade. A son, Joe. And a daughter– Uh– [can’tremember daughter’s name] … Boy, this isembarrassing. Um– I can see her face. She’s – she’sreally beautiful. In fact, when I look at my kids, Isee me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] … And that’swhy the 1990s will be the Joe Franken Decade. Joe?[Five year old Joe Franken, a tiny boy in a checkedsuit and tie, rolls into view on a chair and joins hisfather – cheers and applause] Hi, Joe.

Joe Franken: Hi, Dad. [SUPER: JOEFRANKEN]

Al Franken: Ah, I under– First of all,congratulations on, uh, first, on being my son. And,uh– … And on my decision to make the 1990s the JoeFranken Decade. Now, I understand you – you have ajoke for us.

Joe Franken: Knock knock.

Al Franken: Who’s there?

Joe Franken: Me.

Al Franken: Me, who?

Joe Franken: Me, Joe Franken. [SUPER: JOEFRANKEN] … [applause]

Al Franken: And, Joe, your watchword for the’90s is?

Joe Franken: [enthusiastic, with pumping offists] YES! …

Al Franken: By the way, Joe will, uh, turnfifteen just before the close of the Joe FrankenDecade. You – you did a good job, Joe.

Joe Franken: Thank you, Daddy.

Al Franken: Ah, and, for those of you who won’tbe, uh, in – be able to be in Times Square on NewYear’s Eve, here’s a little peek at how the JoeFranken Decade will be ushered in.

[Cut to Times Square at night where a lighted ballwith Al’s face drops as a roaring crowd counts down tozero. When it hits bottom, green neon text reading”1989 – GOODBYE AL” switches to “1990 – HELLO JOE -HAPPY JOE FRANKEN DECADE” and Al’s face is replacedwith Joe’s. Fireworks explode, the lighted ballascends, the crowd roars. Extended cheers and applauseas we dissolve back to the WU desk.]

Al Franken: Dennis?

Dennis Miller: [shakes hands with Joe and Al]Thank you, Al. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, buddy. JoeFranken. [Al puts a supportive hand on Joe’s shoulderand kisses him on the head] Thank you, Joe, thank you.I already like him better than the old man. You know–…

[Photo of Mount Rushmore] Ravaged by time and weather,the Mount Rushmore faces are being studied bymineralogists to see if the granite needs resurfacing.And, to aid in the decision, they’ve called in ablue-ribbon panel … of experts for advice. [Photos,one last time, of Joan Collins, Tammy Faye Bakker andthat Gabor sister.]

[Photo of aging ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and co-authorof song “When I’m Sixty-Four” who had played fourconcerts that week at New York’s Madison SquareGarden.] You know, if he keeps this up, we’ll be ableto tell him to his face if we still need him when he’ssixty-four. …

[Image of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” on cover of TV Guide]This week’s– This is this week’s cover of TV Guideand, you know, I find it easier to believe in theconcept of a sixteen year old surgeon than I do tobelieve in a sixteen year old kid who hasn’t asked hisparents to stop calling him “Doogie.” …

The American bald eagle, whose population plummetedtwo decades ago, has made such a dramatic recoverythat federal officials say it will no longer be an”endangered species” but rather a “threatenedspecies.” Trying to figure out why sportsmen are notgoing after the bald eagle as much as they used to, awildlife spokesman said, “The only thing we can figureis that many hunters are put off by the fact that thebald eagles often pull hair from this side of theirskull over to this side of their skull to cover thebald spot.” …

[Photo of actresses Vivien Leigh and Hattie McDanielin “Gone with the Wind”] This week, to celebrate itsfiftieth anniversary, Ted Turner’s Superstationbroadcast the classic “Gone with the Wind.” This time,Turner racially colorized the film [Vivien Leigh turnsblack and Hattie McDaniel turns white] so that thewhite actors became black and the black actors becamewhite, confusing many who were seeing the movie forthe first time. …

[Doctored photo of boxing promoter Don King withtinsel and Christmas ornaments in his towering head ofhair] And Don King had his annual hair trimming partyyesterday. …

Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am out o’here! Merry Christmas!

[Cheers, applause and more of “Hey Jude” by theBeatles. Dennis grooves to the music as we pull backand fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

7

SNL Transcripts: Ed O’Neill: 01/13/90 ]]>

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 13th, 1990

Ed O’Neill

Harry Connick, Jr.

None

Maury Povich

Lorne Michaels

Bob Odenkirk
Noriega’s PlanSummary: Manuel Noriega (Jon Lovitz) talks President George Bush (Dana Carvey) into a hair-brained scheme.

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Ed O’Neill’s MonologueSummary: Ed O’Neill may be well-known for his performance on “Married.. With Children”, but his hosting is also a potential embarrassment for SNL and Fox.

Transcript

BiziLadyTranscript

I Got What You NeedSummary: Stash the shopkeeper (Ed O’Neill) recommends household items as though we were describing his penis.

Transcript

Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) perform an anti-drunk driving ad to make amends with their Driver’s Ed teacher Mr. Hemphill (Ed O’Neill).

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

Transcript

Harry Connick, Jr. performs “It Had To Be You”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Grumpy Old Man.

The Nagging Husband

Dennis Woo’s Real Estate Fortunes The Easy Way

Ceausescu’s Wake

Harry Connick, Jr. performs “It’s Alright With Me”

Lothar Of The Hill PeopleSummary: Lothar (Mike Myers) dicusses “walking with women) with Tyler (Phil Hartman) and Faldor (Ed O’Neill).

Recurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler.

Transcript

SNL in the 90’sSummary: Lorne Michaels previews the changes that will be made to SNL in the coming decade.

Recurring Characters: Church Lady.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

SNL In The 90’s

…..Lorne Michaels
Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
…..Phil Hartman

Lorne Michaels: Hello, I’m Lorne Michaels. And, as you know, this is our first show of the 1990’s. And all of us here at “Saturday Night Live” are very excited. For you see, unlike other television shows, we plan to keep right in step with this fantastic new decade, and all the changes it is bringing.

First of all, from now on all cast members will be equipped with jetpacks, to allow them free and rapid movement during a sketch.

[ Church Lady hovers by slowly on a jetpack ]

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, Church Lady, it truly is. Another change is that you’ll no longer be listening to the “Saturday Night Live” band. Recent advances in audio technology have enabled us to replace them with this silicon globule. [ displays the globule ] Similar advances have enabled us to replace Jon Lovitz.. with this.

Globule V/O: Yes.. that is the tick-et.

Lorne Michaels: We’ll be gradually automating all of our cast members, with the execption of Phil Hartman.. who, as you know, is an android.

[ smiling, android-like Phil Hartman steps up to give Lorne a handshake ]

Phil Hartman: Hello, Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Hello, Phil.

[ android Phil Hartman steps backwards off the stage, barely moving a muscle ]

Lorne Michaels: But that’s not at all. The “Saturday Night Live” of the 90’s will also make food for you. Just place your “Saturday Night Live” frozen dinner in front of your TV screen while the musical guest is performing, and the show will emit ultraviolet rays that will cook it in three minutes. It’s a delicious meal, and it’s made by Stouffer’s.

[ a futuristic logo flies into the righthand corner of the screen, its colors throbbing and glowing vibrantly as Lorne talks ]

Ah! It’s the new “Saturday Night Live” logo! Especially designed to capture the excitement of the 90’s, the logo was created at John-Hopkins University and has the ability to read your mind. Its colors and hapes reveal how you’re responding to a sketch.

[ the silicon globule screeches ]

I see we’d better wrap things up. But, before I go, just one more feature of the show, that you’ll find at your local drugstore. From now on, if you miss a show for any reason, you can grab a “Saturday Night Live” rerun pill, pop it in your mouth, and enjoy. [ pops a rerun pill into his mouth ] Mmm.. Tony Danza! It still holds up!

Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy these changes throughout the decade, and that you’ll learn to-

Don Pardo V/O: Wait a minute, Lorne! You forgot me!

Lorne Michaels: Oh, I’m sorry! Don! [ a stangehand hands a tortoise to Lorne ] I forgot to mention that the voicebox of our announcer, Don Pardo, has been surgically-implanted in a young tortoise. This will ensure that Don will be the voice of “Saturday Night Live” for the next 150 years! Right, Don?

[ close-up of the tortoise, his mouth actually moving in sync to Don Pardo’s V/O ]

Don Pardo V/O: Right, Lorne!

[ dissolve to new futuristic “Saturday Night Live” logo glowing different colors ]

Don Pardo V/O: The new “Saturday Night Live”. Retooled, state-of-the-art.. high-tech entertainment that has the Japanese on the run.

[ dissolve back to wide shot of Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: I think.. we have a lot to offer. And all of us here at the show hope we’ll be in your future. Thank you.

[ the image of Lorne Michaels folds inward, into a line, then is covered by a bright light and disappears the same way the picture does when older televisions are turned off ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

BiziLady

…..Jan Hooks
…..Nora Jones
…..Victoria Jackson

[ open on Victoria Jackson running through the streets of New York to catch a cab. Once inside, she casually removes product from purse and nicks off a few unwanted hairs around her knees. ]

Jingle:
“She’s on the go
Movin’ fast
She’s gonna make that smooth look last.
She’s BiziLadyyyyyyyy!BiziLady!”

[ cut to Nora Dunn at a business meeting. As she makes her presentation, she casually reaches underneath the table to nick a few unwanted hairs from her leg with product. The men do their best to get a look under the table. ]

“She’s movin’ up now
And men don’t care.
‘Cause they can’t see unwanted hair.
Under the ladyyyyyy!
BiziLady!”

[ cut to Jan Hooks on a date at the opera. Paying no mind to the other people in the theatre, she stretches her arm up and uses product to remove a few unwanted hairs from her armpit. Her date expresses his pleasure. ]

“She’s soft to touch
Not like a man.
Just want to stay as smooth as she can.
With BiziLadyyyyyyyy!
BiziLady!”

[ cut to Victoria Jackson picking up her young daughter at school. The young girl is using a simulated product to remove unwanted hairs from a baby doll’s leg. As Victoria leans down, her daughter uses the product to remove a few unwanted hairs from Victoria’s upper lip. ]

“She’s soft and sleek
Smooth and soft
Sleek and soft
Soft and soft.
BiziLady!”

[ show product in front of a perfectly-shaved wonman’s leg ]

Announcer: Now there isn’t anywhere you can’t be smooth.

BiziLady. The anywhere shaver from Go Girl Products.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Goodnights

…..Ed O’Neill

Ed O’Neill: Hey, listen – I want to thank everybody for coming! It’s been a, uh.. a great night. I want to thank Harry Connick, Jr..

Harry Connick, Jr.: Thank you.

Ed O’Neill: ..Maury Povich, and uh.. I want to thank all the great “Saturday Night Live” cast members. And the band – they made me feel good! Thank you all, and I hope you had a good time, and uh.. bye bye!

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar…..Mike Myers
Tyler…..Phil Hartman
Faldor…..Ed O’Neill

Lothar: [ to the audience ] I am Lothar of the Hill People! Much have I have seen, and much have I done, for I am Lothar of the Hill People! [ sits next to Tyler and Faldor ] Faldor, Tyler, of what do speak?

Tyler: We speak of many things! The hunt! Fire! The weakness of women!

Lothar: Do not tell me that women are weak! For today, my woman has cast me out of the hut!

Faldor: Mine, as well!

Tyler: My woman, also! She behaves as if I am unimportant!

Lothar: Yes! I am Chieftan of all the Hill People! But in my own hut, I am deemed no better than foul humors discharged from the body!

Faldor: Ah, yes. I, too, have worn the brown helmet. It vexes me!

Lothar: You know, I will do battle with my woman, and lose. I will do battle with my woman, and win.. and yet, I still lose! And I am supposed to feel great sorrow for her! I swear, by Zeena’s teats, if I hand her advantage on the field of war, I would be a god.

Faldor: To this, I can relate. At dawn, I leave the hut; my woman is happy in her toil. When I return from my daily gathering, I am tired and hungry; there is no food or fire, because she has dragged out her ceremonial betroval skins and spent the day weeping because they do not fit. And somehow all this is my fault! I tell you, that ties a knot in my pelt! And now, her family has come to comfort her. They have been with us since Nordis blew his icy breath. And, I tell you, if her brother is not out of my hut by piping time, there will be a clubbing!

Lothar: My woman’s family dwelled among us for some time. My woman would not walk with me while they were in our hut. She felt her matriarch would not approve of her walking with a man. I told her that her mother must have walked freely with somebody at sometime, or she would not be here for this conversation. My point was futile. It was like trying to tell the people not to eat monkey heads!

Tyler: Ah. There are days that I am so troubled, that I swear I will never walk with a woman again! And keep only the company of men!

Faldor: I have a brother who made that pledge.

Tyler: Oh, do not be misled.. the urge to walk with women is still there, there has never been any question of that! But my woman is so unpredictable! After the last great hunt, I stopped by the council fire and the feast!

Lothar: Ah, I know it well – it was a good feast, albeit a formal one.

Tyler: I drank many falgens of mead, as is my custom, and invited my fellow warriors to the hut for a game of sticks and rocks. I sent my woman ahead to prepare for us, but when I arrived, I found my personal collection of sacred relics and amulets scattered outside the hut, as if thrown with great force! Above the door is the Talisman of Gleadley, signifying death to all who cross it! Since then, I have been in the company of men!

Lothar: I have seen woman behave like this – they frighten cattle!

Faldor: What gives women such power? We are the warriors! We are the chieftans!

Lothar: Yes! Who smoked the Tree People when they attacked with a force three times greater than our own – women?

Tyler & Faldor: No!! Men!!

Tyler: And who was it that redirected the River Zoro, so the harvest would be more bountiful!

All: Men!!

Faldor: And who is it that can write their name in the snow without using their hand! Men!

[ Lothar are Tyler stare at Faldor ]

Lothar: Well.. that is a lesser point.. But you are a man, and we will overlook it!

Tyler: Yes! Slacks shall be cut for you, my friend!

Lothar: And who is better at creating a social and domestic order – one in which we can all create, and be at our best? [ pause ] Again, that is a bad example. Let us sing a song to help us forget about women!

Tyler: Yes!

Lothar: Yes! Let us sing “The Man Song”! You know the tune!

[ they stand ]

All: [ singing ]
“Men, men, men, men
Men are better than women!
Men are stronger
Men are better
Men are better than women!”

[ they laugh ]

Tyler: I am filled with camaraderie!

Faldor: Let us sing another verse!

Tyler: Yes!

Woman’s Voice: Lothar? Lo-thar!

Lothar: Uh.. [ speaks to the audience ] I can tell by the position of the sun in the sky, that is time for us to go. Until next time, I am Lothar of the Hill People!

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Ed O’Neill’s Monologue

…..Ed O’Neill
…..Jan Hooks
…..Dana Carvey
…..Maury Povich

Ed O’Neill: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. Now, before I begin.. for those of you who don’t get FOX television in your city, I’m not a contest winner. I’m, uh.. I’m not a retiring cameraman being given a fond send-off, and.. I’m not Robert De Niro preparing for an upcoming role as a shlup. I’m actually a genuine celebrity. My name is Ed O’Neill, and I’m the star of the television show “Married.. With Children”.

[ audience applauds with excitement ]

There’s a special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because over the past year, both this show and “Married.. With Children” have come under attack from certain groups for crossing the boundaries of good taste. Now, we both lost some sponsors, we both had some bad press.. but it’s one year later, and “Saturday Night Live”‘s still here.. and “Married.. With Children”‘s still here.. and we’re both gonna be here for a long time to come!

[ audience applauds, as Jan Hooks and Dana Carvey appear next to Ed ]

Jan Hooks: Hi. Excuse me.

Ed O’Neill: Hey. What’s up?

Jan Hooks: Yeah, we were watching wth the cast backstage, you know? We heard what you said, and.. well, we would kinda appreciate it if you would please not, you know.. link oour show with yours?

Dana Carvey: Yeah, ’cause, you know, um.. look, to be honest, I gotta be honest with you here, uh.. we find your show, uh.. incredibly offensive.. um.. I mean, it’s just gross, you know what I mean?

Ed O’Neill: Yeah.

Dana Carvey: Yeah, I, uh.. I saw the last episode, and, uh.. it just really made my stomach turn. So, uh.. so, if you, you know, just leave us out of it, that would be good.

Ed O’Neill: Oh! Okay.

Dana Carvey: You mind? Okay. Great!

Jan Hooks: Otherwise, you’re doing great. Good luck. See you later.

Ed O’Neill: Okay.

Dana Carvey: Okay, take care.

[ Dan and Jan exit the stage ]

Ed O’Neill: That’s Dan Carvey.. Jan Hooks.

[ audience applauds ]

Well, th-there’s another special significance to my hosting “Saturday Night Live”, because.. for the first time, a performer from the FOX network has been invited to host “Saturday Night Live”. FOX has taken some flak.. and we’ve been the brunt of a lot of jokes.. but I think this shows that FOX has arrived and is gonna be here for a long time!

[ audience applauds, as Maury Povich appears next to Ed ]

Maury Povich: Hi, Ed!

Ed O’Neill: Hey, Maury Povich! From “A Current Affair”! How’s Connie?

Maury Povich: Connie’s fine! Fine, Ed. But, uh.. uh.. Ed.. uh.. look. If you could possibly downplay your association with FOX.. we’d really appreciate it. Because, frankly, uh.. Ed.. a lot of us at FOX find the show sickening. It’s sophmoric.. it’s crude.. and it’s.. it’s.. just a lot of third-grade bathroom humor. And-and it’s hardly representative of the quality programming at FOX.

Ed O’Neill: [ nodding his head ] Okay. Okay.

Maury Povich: I mean, we’ve got the guys and the reporters, you know, they’re busting their butts..

Ed O’Neill: Yeah, I know.

Maury Povich: Uh.. the kids at “Jump Street”..

Ed O’Neill: Yeah..

Maury Povich: You know. Of course, I mean myself and the staff at “A Current Affair”.. [ turns for menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair” ]

Ed O’Neill: I’m sorry.

Maury Povich: Otherwise.. hey, I think it’s going great!

Ed O’Neill: Thanks. See you later, Maury.

Maury Povich: See you later. [ turns again for a menacing stare at the camera with his arm outstretched, with the sound effect from “A Current Affair”, then exits stage ]

[ audience cheers wildly ]

Ed O’Neill: Okay, well, I guess maybe there’s no significance to me being here, but uh.. Harry Connick, Jr.’s here, and something! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

I Got What You Need

Stash…..Ed O’Neill
Stuffy Lady…..Nora Dunn
Tony…..Kevin Nealon
Sick Man…..Jon Lovitz
Young Man…..Mike Myers
Crabby Lady…..Jan Hooks
Old Man…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, Stash’s shop, as a Stuffy Lady enters ]

Stash: Can I help you, lady?

Stuffy Lady: [ in a thick, stuffy accent ] Yes, you cahn. The recipe I’m using calls for a foot-long salami. Do you have a foot-long salami?

Stash: Have I got a salami? Oh, I got a salami, lady.. and I do believe it’s twelve inches long! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, smiles ] Maybe bigger!

Stash: That’s what I’m thinking! So, yeah, I got your salami right here! [ points down behind the counter, towards his crotch, then looks up curiously ] Tony, where’s that salami?

Tony: [ looks around ] Oh. It’s hanging right up there, next to the bratwurst.

Stash: Oh! Oh, yeah! [ grabs the salami and wraps it in butcher block paper ] Here you are, lady, here’s a nice salami.. it cost you $5.

Stuffy Lady: Thank you. [ exits shop ]

Tony: [ calls out the door ] I hope it’s the size you need!

[ Sick Man enters the shop ]

Stash: Can I help you, sir?

Sick Man: Well, gee, my throat is so scratchy.. I’ve got this tickle.. Do you have a lozenge or a.. hard candy? I need something to suck on.

Stash: Oh, I got something you can suck on. You can suck on this all day! [ nonchalantly scotts a box of lozenges across the counter ] It’s a 12-hour lozenge, it’s brand new, right off ther market.

Sick Man: Oh, great! Thanks!

Stash: Hey, now don’t fall asleep with it in your mouth.

Sick Man: [ chuckles ] O-kay, I won’t! [ exits shop ]

[ Young Man enters shop ]

Young Man: Excuse me, um.. but I was looking for a gift for my grandmother? I’d kinda like it to be a sort of surprise.

Stash: [ grins ] Oh, I got a surprise for Granny! Yeah, something that will make her eyes pop right out! Right, Tony?

Tony: [ stops sweeping ] You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Stash: Yeah. [ begins to adjust the apron around his waist ] Something that she hasn’t had in a long time, but I bet she wants some again? [ reaches along the back shelf ] A beautiful.. heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Young Man: Oh, that’s perfect!

Stash: That’ll be $15.

Young Man: Oh, alright.. [ puts his money on the counter ] There you go. Thanks a lot!

Stash: Yeah – be careful, they’re sticky.

[ Young Man exits shop, as Crabby Lady enters ]

Stash: [ approaches Crabby Lady ] Can I help you, lady?

Crabby Lady: No, I’ll find what I need.

Stash: Well, you know, if I can help-

Crabby Lady: [ annoyed ] Look, what do I look – stupid?

Stash: Listen, lady.. you come in here every day, and every day you’re mean and crabby! Do you know what you need?

Crabby Lady: No.. what?

Stash: I’ll tell you what you need. What you need.. is a good.. long.. hot.. [ a beat ] ..bubble bath. That’s what you need.

Crabby Lady: Well.. do you have one you can recommend.

Stash: Well, to be honest with you, I don’t. Tony? Could you recommend a bubble bath?

Tony: [ stops sweeping, stares blankly ] Uhhhh.. Bubble, uh.. King?

Stash: Uh, no.. don’t listen to him – he’s not right. You’d be better off trying Walgreen’s over across the street.

Crabby Lady: [ more annoyed ] Oh, yeah? Well, thanks for nothing! [ storms out ]

Tony: No pleasing some people, hey, Stach?

Stash: Ohhh, I got something that would please her, right here in my pants!

Tony: [ laughs ] Yeah?

Stash: Yeah. [ reaches in his pocket and pulls out a sample ] It’s a buble bath sample, come in the mail.

Tony: [ laughs ]

Old Man: Exc-cuse me.. excuse me..? Do you sell costumes.. fright wigs.. rubber spiders..? Something really scary?

Stash: Hmm.. yeah, I got something really scary. Yeah, it scared the hell out of my wife, first time I dshowed it to her! She said, “You come near me with that thing, I’m divorcing you.” Yeah, I like to call it my one-eyed monster!

Old Man: Well.. w-well.. can you.. c-can you show it to me?

Stash: You sure you want to see it?

Old Man: Well.. s-s-sure, I am..

Stash: Okay. Come here. [ steps behind the counter, reaching down below the front of his pants ] Come on. Look down here, behind the counter.

[ the old man peers over the counter, as Stash pulls up a cyclops man, screaming to scare the old man who’s also screaming ]

Stash: That’s pretty scary, huh? Yeah, it’s a rubber cyclops mask. See, it’s got the eye right there in the middle!

Old Man: [ laughing ] Th-that’s really awful! I love, it!

Stash: Yeah, $30.

Old Man: You got yourself a deal! [ pays his money ]

Stash: Keep it dry.

Old Man: Thanks! [ marvels at his new mask as he exits the shop ]

Stash: Listen, Tony, I think I’m gonna go home for lunch today.

Tony: [ curious ] Oh, yeah? home for lunch, what’s the occasion?

Stash: Well, you know.. the wife hasn’t seen the Ol’ Johnson for quite a while.

Tony: That’s not good. She’s gotta miss him.

Stash: I know. That’s why I invited him over.

Tony: Good idea. Hey, how old is the Ol’ Johnson now?

Stash: Ah, he’s 83. Yeah, the young Johnson, he’s 65.. so he’s really not that young.

Tony: Pretty soon, they’re both gonna be Ol’ Johnsons, huh!

Stash: [ laughs, exits ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Bush-Noriega

Guard…..Tom Davis
Manuel Noriega…..Jon Lovitz
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ open on exterior, random prison walls ]

[ SUPER: “Somewhere In Florida” ]

[ dissolve to interior, prison, Cell 205 ]

Guard: Okay, Mr. Noriega.. you got five minutes.

[ Noriega comes out of his cell, and is brought to a sitting area with a glass panel between himself and President George Bush. They each pick up a telephone receiver so they can speak to each other through the glass ]

President George Bush: Uh.. hello, Manuel!

Manuel Noriega: Hello, George!

President George Bush: [ to his bodyguards ] Listen, could you fellas give us a.. couple of minutes here? [ the bodyguards quietly exit the booth ] Thank you! That’s alright! [ turns back to Noriega ] So, how ya’ doing? They treating you well in here?

Manuel Noriega: [ a light sigh ] Better than the Vatican. [ a beat ] So, tell me.. how’s Bar?

President George Bush: Uh.. she’s good, doing good.

Manuel Noriega: Jeb?

President George Bush: Just great, doing great.

Manuel Noriega: Neil?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: His business okay? ‘Cause I knew he had that rough spot there.

President George Bush: [ his voice shaky ] No-o.. he’s fine.. fine.. He fired that.. that partner of his down there. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Oh, yeah – Charles.

President George Bush: Yeah.. yeah..

Manuel Noriega: Uh.. George, Jr.?

President George Bush: Oh, he’s fine.

Manuel Noriega: How’s my little princess?

President George Bush: Oh. Doro? Doing good.. doing good. You know, finally.. finally cut that hair of hers!

Manuel Noriega: Yeah, I know. I.. well, she doesn’t care what I think..

President George Bush: [ cutting to the chase ] Well, Manuel, I don’t have a lot of time, let me get right to the point here, you know? I know I said a lot of nasty things about you, and, well, with sending those troops down there to overthrow you, in that whole canal area. Didn’t wanna do it – but.. had to do it! You know, you.. you kinda forced my hand there..

Manuel Noriega: I know..

President George Bush: ..you kinda brought it on yourself.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I was reallu out of control, you know? I needed to be reeled in, man! You did me a favor!

President George Bush: Well.. well, that’s all in the past. What we need to be concerned about is the future. [ motions his free hand to illustrate his points ] What, with this trial thing coming up, I think you’ll agree there’s.. there’s no point airing a lot of dirty laundry. Excuse me. [ props the phone between his ear and shoulder, freeing up both hands for a mega-hand gesture ] Wouldn’t be prudent! That’s history.. it’s over! It’s gone! It’s gone!

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. ohhh.. still, uh.. we had some good times, huh!

President George Bush: [ laughing ] Yeah, we sure did, we sure did!

Manuel Noriega: All those old days! Remember that time at Bill Casey’s brithday party? Man! You were so ‘faced!

President George Bush: You know, I.. I think that’s the most I ever drank in my life! [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: Hey, hey! Remember this? [ pulls out his scrapbook ]

President George Bush: [ a little embarrassed ] Oh, boy.. not the scrapbook, Manuel..

Manuel Noriega: Nah, look, look, look! [ points to a page ] There’s you.. there’s me.. there’s Donna Rice!

President George Bush: [ laughs ] That’s, uh.. [ laughs ]

Manuel Noriega: You know, we were some kind of a team, you and me! Boy, with my ideas.. your prudence..

President George Bush: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Manuel Noriega: I tell you.. in our peak, we could have thrown any government in the hemisphere!

President George Bush: Yeah.. well, anyway.. Manny.. gotta go.. got some things to do.. I’m glad we had a chance to talk here. I’m glad to see you.. understand about the.. dirty laundry thing.. and you understand that a deal is completely out of the question.

Manuel Noriega: I know.. I know.. [ chuckles ] You know, though.. the one thing that bothers me about what happened is that.. well.. wouldn’t you know? Sitting there in jail last week, I came up with my best plan yet!

President George Bush: [ trying to stand firm ] Manny.. I’m not interested.

Manuel Noriega: No, no.. of course not..I-I’m not even sure you’d like this plan. [ slyly ] It would involve eliminating Daniel Oretega.

President George Bush: [ laughing uncomfortably ] I know what you’re trying to do there, Manuel! [ laughs, looks like he’s about to piss his pants ] It’s not gonna work! Not.. gonna.. work – we’re through! You know, I’m the president now.

Manuel Noriega: I know, I know.. Besides, you know, for this.. [ seductively ] ..you would need a min-i-a-ture sub-ma-rine!

President George Bush: [ firm ] Not gonna do it, Maneul! Read my lips: nah.. gah.. dah!

Manuel Noriega: Hey, you’re right, you know? I’ll just destroy this plan. I’d hate to see it flal inot the wrong hands, you know? [ slyly ] ‘Cause it’s a really.. good.. plan!

President George Bush: [ falling into the trap ] Mini.. mini-sub, huh?

Manuel Noriega: [ laughs ] Man, I know. I’ll just eat this plan. It was only three pages.. [ moves the plans close to his mouth ]

President George Bush: Now, hold on there, Manuel, now.. tell me more about this mini-submarine idea.

[ dissolve to exterior, mini-submarine in the water ]

[ SUPER: “Later” ]

[ dissolve to interior, Noriega steering the mini-submarine as Bush pedals a generator made from an exercycle ]

President George Bush: I’d better be back in Washington by tonight!

Manuel Noriega: Will you relax, man?! I’ll have you back by dinner! [ looks into the periscope ] Whoa! There he is! Okay! Now, on my signal..

President George Bush: Alright, check! [ Bush holds up a giant fuse-bomb ]

Manuel Noriega: [ lights the bomb in Bush’s hands ] ..you throw out..

President George Bush: This had better work!

Manuel Noriega: It’ll work! On my signal, you throw it out the porthole!

President George Bush: Open the porthole!

Manuel Noriega: You pedal like crazy!

President George Bush: OPEN THE PORTHOLE!!

[ cut to explosion footage ]

[ dissolve back to close-up of Bush still pedaling the exercycle, now covered in smoke and dust ]

President George Bush: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Ni-i-i-i-ighhttt!“

SNL Transcripts