Counter Woman…..Nora Dunn Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman Bimbo…..Victoria Jackson
[ Jack Nicholson enters the Warner Brothers Payroll Office with two bimbos at his side ]
Counter Woman: Yes, Mr. Nicholson, can I help you?
Jack Nicholson: Yes, I think you can. I believe I have an arrangement with Warner Brothers, whereby I receive 20% of the gross ticket sales for the film “Batman.” The first payment, of which, I’m supposed to collect upon release of the videocassette, which I believe is today.
Counter Woman: That’s correct, Mr. Nicholson. [ grabs envelope ] Yes, I have a check for your “Batman” royalties here – through the 15th – totaling $50 million.
Jack Nicholson: Okay.. I would like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in Time-Warner stock, $4 million in travelers checks, and the other $6 million in hundreds and twenties.
Counter Woman: [ not amused ] We can’t split your payment that way.
Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you can’t split my payment that way?
Counter Woman: We can’t sell travelers checks – it’s against the rules. I can give you $30 million in the government bonds, $5 million T-bills, and the rest in cash. It’s our Advantage Plan, it comes with a preferred interest rate.
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, I know what it comes with. But that’s not what I want.
Counter Woman: Well – I’ll come back when you’ve made up your mind.
Jack Nicholson: Wait a minute – I have made up my mind! I’d like $30 million in government bonds, $10 million in stock – forget the travelers checks – and the other $4 million I would like in rolls of nickels.
Counter Woman: We don’t sell Time-Warner stock for cash!
Jack Nicholson: What do you mean you don’t sell stock?
Counter Woman: Would you like to talk to the head of the department?
Bimbo: Hey, Mac!
Jack Nicholson: Shut up! You’ve got shares on the market, stock certificates of some kind?
Counter Woman: I don’t make the rules.
Jack Nicholson: Okay, I’ll make this as easy for you as I can. I’d like $30 million in government bonds, and the rest in hundreds, twenties, and nickels.
Counter Woman: A select service plan. Anything else?
Jack Nicholson: Yeah, now all you have to do is take $10 million from my corporate account, convert it into Time-Warner stock, have the corporation sell the stock to me, I approve the transaction, I keep the stock, and you haven’t broken any rules.
Counter Woman: You want me to liquidate your corporate stocks, so you can sell it back to yourself, huh?
Jack Nicholson: I want you to hold it between your knees.
Counter Woman: You see that sign [ points to “No Smartness Or Sarcasm” sign ] I guess y’all have to leave! I don’t have to take your smartness and sarcasm!
Jack Nicholson: You see this sign?! [ sweeps his arm across the counter, busting the floor ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 2nd, 1989 John Goodman k.d. lang & The Reclines None Lorne Michaels Conan O’Brien Annabeth Hartzog Tom Davis Jim Downey It Used To Be A Wonderful LifeRecurring Characters: Jimmy Stewart. Transcript
Montage
John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman may be hosting the show tonight, but members of the cast and the audience are more interested in his co-star, Roseanne Barr (Victoria Jackson), who’s hanging out backstage. Recurring Characters: Roseanne Barr. Note: In the original live broadcast, the pre-taped segment with Goodman’s wife sitting alone in the audience failed to start, causing the monologue to end abruptly without its punchline. Goodman jokes about this during the Goodnights by pretending to hypnotize the live audience by chanting “There was no technical screw-up!” Both segments were replace with their dress rehearsal versions for reruns. Transcript
BeautyBath Recurring Characters: Corazon Aquino. Note: Repeat from 11/14/87.
Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Officer Wilson.
Cooking with the Anal-Retentive ChefRecurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.
Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A CarRecurring Characters: Toonces the Cat, Lyle Clark, Brenda clark.
k.d. lang & The Reclines performs “Pullin’ Back The Reins”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Voiceovers of George Bush (Dana Carvey) and Mikhail Gorbachev (Phil Hartman) at the Malta summit are played over film clips. Annoying Man (Jon Lovitz) wanders onto the set. Recurring Characters: Annoying Man.
The Mike Ditka Type-A Christmas SpecialRecurring Characters: Mike Ditka, Santa Claus.
…..John Goodman Roseanne Barr…..Victoria Jackson …..Lorne Michaels …..Nora Dunn …..Phil Hartman …..Jan Hooks Audience Member…..Conan OBrien
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — John Goodman!
John Goodman: Thank you very much, woah Saturday Night Live. I have had an incredible year I made two movies “Sea of Love” [audience cheers] plus “Always” with Richard Dreyfus. Also, five weeks ago, I got married. [audience cheers and applauds]
John Goodman: I took the plunge. My wife is here tonight. Thats my brother next to her, and his girl Jean. Hi, honey. [audience cheers and applauds] We haven’t even had a honeymoon yet. I came right here from the wedding, I have been working on the show all week. Cant wait till one oclock, heard great things about sex. Course the high point of the year has to be working on “Roseanne”. [audience cheers and applauds] Oh, what can I say about Roseanne Arnold, shes a hell of a lady, shes funny, generous, and as a matter of fact, she came here tonight to wish me luck. Shes backstage right now. Roseanne, if you can hear me: I love you, honey.
[cut to Lorne Michaels and Roseanne Barr]
Lorne Michaels: Roseanne, I cant tell what a thrill it is to have a big star like you this close to our studio.
Roseanne Barr: Thanks, its really great to be here and all that crap and everything. (chuckles) So Lorne, arent you supposed to be out there helping John or something?
Lorne Michaels: Oh yeah, he will be fine [turns off TV] would you like some more coffee cake or something?
Roseanne Barr: Sure.
Lorne Michaels: Right over here.
Roseanne Barr: Oh this is really good, I like
[cut back to John at home base]
John Goodman: And if Lorne Michaels ever calls and asks you to host this show — and Im sure he will eventually get to all of you — say yes, because its great. Everybodys made me feel special and important and we’ve been like one big family. You know, you’re always saying the show is like a family, and it really is. Yeah and Im like…
[cut back to Roseanne signing autographs]
Nora Dunn: Take one of me and Jan together please.
Roseanne Barr: I think you are so great, I watch the show all the time and its really good. I love your Donahue its really great.
Jon Lovitz: Hi, Im Jon Lovitz, big fan. Do you have any movies coming out?
Roseanne Barr: Oh, I dont know
Audience Member: Miss Barr Miss Barr, I was in the audience and I heard that you were backstage. Id love to get your autograph.
Roseanne Barr: Oh, Im kind of busy. Like, why dont you just write Roseanne and Id put my initials on it. [laughs]
[cut back to John at home base]
John Goodman: Comfortable, honey? Thanks for coming, we got a great show, sweetheart. k.d. lang & The Reclines are here. [audience applauds] We got her album, remember? [pause] You remember that, dont you? Dont go away, please. We will be right back.
Rock Clark…..Kevin Nealon Referee Pitman…..John Goodman Audience Member #1…..Dana Carvey Audience Member #2…..Mike Myers Audience Member #3…..Phil Hartman Audience Member #4…..Jim Downey Caller #1…..Jan Hooks Caller #2…..Tom Davis Audience Member #5…..Jon Lovitz
Rock Clark: Hello, everybody, and welcome to another edition of “The Referee Pitman Show”. As always, we’ll be taking questions and talking football with NFL referee Bill Pitman. Ref, welcome.
Referee Pitman: Thanks, Rock.
Rock Clark: Okay, Ref, last week you called the Bills-Oilers game in Houston. Let’s take a look at some highlights.
[ clips are shown of the Ref’s erronous calls ]
Okay, there you are making the call. There’s an offsides.. there’s a defensive holding.. and there’s a too-many-men-on-the-field.
[ return to Ref and Rock in the studio ]
Okay. As you can see, it was an exciting game, and there were some controversial calls. I understand, Ref, that you were hit by a bottle after the game?
Referee Pitman: Well.. yes, I was hit, Rock. It was, uh.. it was actually a jar.. I believe, sort of a pickle jar. Well, inside the jar was a fetus. It was a pig fetus, not a human fetus like the one in Philadelphia.. and fortunately it didn’t shatter, like in Philadelphia.
Rock Clark: Well, you’re a lucky man, Ref. Okay. Well, I know our fans and callers have plenty of questions for you, so let’s get started. [ audience member raises hand ] Yes, sir, you have a question for the Ref?
Audience Member #1: Uh, yeah. It’s great to be here, Ref. Um.. listen, I just wanted to know, um.. are you totally blind, or just legally blind.. uh.. so that, you know, you can make out shapes and degrees of light, you know, that kind of thing?
Referee Pitman: Well, actually.. I have 20/20 vision. I have mentioned this on the show before. I’m not blind, never have been. Thanks for your question.
Audience Member #1: Okay, thank you.
Rock Clark: Okay, next?
Audience Member #2: Uh, yes, I wanted to ask you about last Sunday’s game.
Referee Pitman: Yes. Go ahead.
Audience Member #2: Yeah, I was just wondering, were you watching a different game while you were officiating? Like, on a little mini-TV, or something like that?
Referee Pitman: No, I wasn’t. I was concentrating on the game I was officiating.
Audience Member #2: Oh, wow! You know, because it seemed like your calls were related to a game being played somewhere far away.
Rock Clark: That is interesting. Okay, who’s next? [ audience member raises hand ] Yes?
Audience Member #3: Yeah, uh, hi, great show. I saw the last game, and I just want to know, do you find it helpful to keep your head up your rear end? I mean, why during the game? It seems that during the game you want to have your head, you know, out and in the open air so you can see the plays. I mean, is it comfortable, or is it for the warmth, or what?
Rock Clark: How about it, Ref? Your head inside your rear end?
Referee Pitman: [ thinking ] No. No, nope, never done that. I wouldn’t even know how to go about it, it’s an interesting position, but, uh.. nope.
Rock Clark: Okay, apparently not. But good question. Okay, Ref, let’s look at one of the more controversial plays from Sunday.
[ clips are shown of more of Ref’s erronous calls ]
Here’s the pass to Jeffries, he clearly fumbles to the other team, but the ball is rolled dead and the Oilers keep it. It seems as though you were retarded on that play, Ref.
[ return to Ref and Rock in the studio ]
Referee Pitman: Nnnnnooo.. I’m not retarded, Rock.
Rock Clark: Is there any history in your family of blackouts or hallucinations, or fits of dementia?
Referee Pitman: No. I’m fairly certain there isn’t.. but I could research for you and get back to you.
Rock Clark: Good. Okay. Alright, let’s go back to our audience. [ audience member stands ]
Audience Member #4: Uh, yeah, got a question about the Ref’s brain.
Rock Clark: Yeah?
Audience Member #4: I was just curious – what’s in your head, you know, since there’s no brain? I mean, is it empty, or is it filled with, say, human excrement?
Rock Clark: I think I can handle that one, Ref. The Ref does have a brain, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to conduct this interview right here. That’s how I know. I mean, it’s basic high school biology. So the excrement question is irrelevent.
Audience Member #4: Thank you!
Rock Clark: Okay, let’s take some calls. Hello?
Caller #1: Hi, Ref? Um, when you’re caught and banned from pro football, what do you plan to do for a living?
Referee Pitman: Well, I don’t know what I’d be caught for, but when I retire I plan to spend more time with my children.
Caller #1: Oh. And, um, will you teach them deception and chiconery?
Referee Pitman: Mmmmmm.. nope. Nope, I won’t.
Rock Clark: Okay. Another caller. Next question for the Ref.
Caller #2: Uh.. I’m an optometrist..
Rock Clark: Sorry! We covered that topic earlier! Okay, let’s go back to our audience. [ audience member stands ] Yes, sir.
Audience Member #5: Hi. Great show, Ref. My boy and I were wondering what it’s like for you to have no soul. And, also, what do you use to fill up your body where the soul would be? Now, is that human excrement, or dog excrement?
Referee Pitman: [ chuckles ] I wish I had a dime for every time I was asked that one!
Rock Clark: Okay! Do we have time for one mroe question? Okay, one more question. [ earlier audience member stands again ] You have something else, sir?
Audience Member #3: Yeah, I just wanted to invite Referee Pitman to have sex with himself. Because that’s something, you know, that, as far as I’m concerned, he can go and do.
Rock Clark: Good to know. We’re out of time. Ref, this Sunday you’re doing the Giants-Eagles game?
Referee Pitman: That’s right, Rock.
Rock Clark: Good. And will there be any real refs at this game, in attendance?
Referee Pitman: Yes. Myself, and two others.
Rock Clark: Hard to believe. Okay. ‘Til next week, this is Rock Clark saying, “Referee Pitman sucks!” Good night.
Mr. Chairman…..Phil Hartman George Bailey…..Dana Carvey Alan Cranston…..Jon Lovitz Clarence…..Mike Myers
[ SUPER: “It Used To Be A Wonderful Life” ]
[ SUPER: “Starring James Stewart” ]
[ show sign: “You Are Now In Washington, D.C.” ]
[ open on Congressional Hearing ]
Mr. Chairman: This meeting of the House Banking Committee is now in session. Would the next witness please state his name?
George Bailey: Uh.. what’s that, Mr. Chairman? I can’t hear too good out of this ear here..
Mr. Chairman: Your name?
George Bailey: Um.. that’s easy. George Bailey.
Mr. Chairman: And what is your position, Mr. Bailey?
George Bailey: Uh.. right now, I’m sitting up!
Mr. Chairman: No, Mr. Bailey, what is your job?
George Bailey: I’m President of the Bailey Building & Loan Association – in Bedford Falls. A pretty little town. I live there.
Mr. Chairman: Yes, I’m sure it is.. But what concerns this committee is how a small savings and loan could somehow end up costing the taxpayers nearly $2 billion.
George Bailey: Uh.. uh.. Mr. Chairman, I’m not sure what you’re getting at..
Mr. Chairman: Well, according to the bank examiners, Mr. Bailey, your savings and loan is totally insolvent. Where is the money? Where is our $2 billion?
George Bailey: Well, Mr. Chairman, you’re thinking of this thing all wrong! As if the money’s in a safe somewhere. The money’s not here! It’s in vast, unsold real estate projects, sitting out in the middle of the desert! It’s in salaries and bonuses, huge ones for me and my family, for crying out loud! It’s in your swimming pool Bob! It’s in your vacation home, Steve! It’s in your new Ferrari, Bill! The money’s not here, it’s just.. just out there! Federally-insured, to help people like you and me! [ reaches in his pocket ] Now, wh-what do you need? What do you need? Will $50,000 tide the bank over?
Mr. Chairman: [ banging gavel ] Mr. Bailey! Sit down!
George Bailey: Just trying to help.
Mr. Chairman: Mr. Bailey, did you give substantial financial contributions to five U.S. senators to influence bank examiners?
George Bailey: Yes, I did.. I mean, no! No, I didn’t! You’re twisting my words here! Th-that’s what you’re doing – twisting my words!
Mr. Chairman: The Chair calls Senator Alan Cranston. [ Cranston is wheeled forward ] Senator Cranston? Do you know this man?
Alan Cranston: Congressman, I’ve never seen this man before in my life!
George Bailey: Well, that’s a lie! A vicious lie!
Alan Cranston: If I find his books aren’t in order, I’ll swear under oath – misappropriation of funds! Manipulation! Malfeasance! [ George Bailey stands up and exits ] Yuo can run, but you can’t hide in a little town like Washington. [ laughs ]
Mr. Chairman: [ banging gavel ] Order! Order!
[ cut to George Bailey appeoach a bridge, where he stands contemplating life and the desire to jump. Suddenly, Clarence appears. ]
Clarence: Hello, George.
George Bailey: Clarence! Boy, am I glad to see you!
Clarence: I’m glad to see you.
George Bailey: Well, I-i see you’ve finally got your wings. They’re sort of like insect wings..
Clarence: Yes, they’re beetle wings, to be precise. It turns out I was the victim of a cruel joke.
George Bailey: Well, I’m gonna kill myself, Clarence.
Clarence: Oh, don’t do that. It turns out you’ve had a very good life, George Bailey. Especially financially. Would you like to see what it would be like if you’d never lived? It’s a weird, hellish, Fellini-esque world.. much like what you see in the opening montage of “Saturday Night Live”.
George Bailey: Well, l-l-et’s just do that, then. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 9th, 1989 Robert Wagner Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville None Jeff Renaudo Joe Dicso A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: President George Bush, Dan Quayle.
[We see a lovely view of the giant Christmas tree atRockefeller Center at night and hear a solemninstrumental version of “Silent Night” — after amoment, gray-haired zillionaire David Rockefellerappears and addresses the camera with his upper classaccent.]
David Rockefeller: Hello. I’m DavidRockefeller. A few weeks ago, my family sold thecontrolling interest in Rockefeller Center to theMitsubishi Corporation of Japan. Since then, there’sbeen a public outcry from people who are distraughtthat we’re selling off our architectural treasures tothe Japanese. It seems there’s a perception that theJapanese are some “evil empire” to be feared anddistrusted. Well, I just want to reassure the Americanpeople that the Rockefeller empire is every bit asevil. … Probably more so!
After all, my grandfather, John D. the First, builtour family fortune on corruption, thievery, blackmail,murder, and the exploitation of common working people.Now, my father may be of interest to those of you inlabor unions. Why, one time, he sent his men down to acamp of striking coal miners and they drove through inan armored car and machine-gunned the whole area,setting it on fire. Now, weren’t you a little quick tojudge those Mitsubishi people? …
Dad hated everyone. And, if he were alive, he’dhate you. … He would! I do! … So,the next time the Japanese buy some institution thatyou hold dear, let’s remember that you shouldn’t bejudged by the color of your skin — but, rather, bythe blackness of your soul. … Good night and merryChristmas and — I’m evil.
[Applause. Fade out on a grinning DavidRockefeller.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!
[Lengthy cheers and applause for Dennis.]
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,you’re – you’re almost too kind. You know … Whatcan I tell ya?
The embattled East German Communist Party is debatinga name change. They’ve whittled it down to twochoices, either the “Social Democratic Workers Party”or the “Wolverines” and … in either case, though,the mascot will be a wolverine.
[Photo of several rows of tough-looking uniformed men]A convention of dictators was held this week in LasVegas, Nevada. … Shooting broke out when thescheduled performer, Gallagher, was replaced by HowieMandel. …
[Photo of President George Bush and PublishersClearinghouse Sweepstakes spokesman Ed McMahon shakinghands] Ed McMahon knocked on the White House dooryesterday and handed President Bush a check for tenmillion dollars … proving that the contest really ison the level. …
President Bush said this week that while he waslimited in his discussions with Gorbachev at the Maltaconference because of the bizarre weather conditions,they did agree to have a summit sometime next year inthe summer. And Bush said he plans to hold the summitthirty miles north of Los Angeles on the San Andreasfault. …
The White House says that President Bush plans toattend a drug summit in Colombia in February. Hey, yaknow, that’s a press junket I thought I might pass on,huh? [heavy sarcasm] “Oh! An exclusive?! Riding in thepresident’s car through downtown Bogota?! Oh, yeah!Yeah! Gee, sorry! I got a “Back to the Future III”thing at the Waldorf that day.” …
[Photo of military man with giant, curly handlebarmustache] And it was revealed this week that thelatest coup attempt in the Philippines was under theleadership of this man, Generalissimo Dad. …
[Photo of Soviet Premier Gorbachev sitting across adesk from Pope John Paul II] Mikhail Gorbachevrecently was the first Soviet leader to have anaudience with the Pope. He is pictured here in theVatican library just before the pontiff pushed thebutton on the trap door chair. … Afterwards -afterwards, no one laughed harder than the Kremlinchief. …
And, according to reports out of Berlin this week,since the Wall has come down, millions of elderly EastGermans have been complaining about a bit of a draft…. [applause and cheers]
You know, I’m, uh – You know, I’m trepidatious about aunified Germany in much the same way I am about DeanMartin and Jerry Lewis getting back together. … Ihaven’t really enjoyed any of their previouscollaborations and I’m not sure I need to see any oftheir new stuff. …
[Photos of White House unveiling ceremony and aportrait of Ronald Reagan posed with a hand on hisdesk] President Reagan’s official portrait wasunveiled this week at a White House ceremony.Appropriately enough, the portrait depicts theabsent-minded president inadvertently pressing thebutton on his desk and destroying the planet….
Olympic star Nadia Comaneci announced that she plansto live with her married lover, Constantine Panait,the man who helped her escape from Romania last week.Nadia, who won all those gold medals in the ’76Olympics is still in great shape, as you can see here.[photo of Nadia doing a spectacular mid-air backbend]Her boyfriend, Constantine, is now in a south Floridahospital having all the bones in his body removed. …Except THAT one! … [cheers and applause] But that’snot really a bone, is it? … [photo of Nadia stickingher tongue out] Just an amazingly intricate set ofcapillaries … Boy, science blows me away! You know–… [cheers]
Asked if she didn’t – asked if she didn’t think it wasunfair to ask a married man to leave his wife and fourchildren for her, Comaneci said, “So what? It doesn’tmatter.” [Dennis shakes his head and adopts a singsongtone] Nad-i-a! [holds up a sign reading “4.0” andshakes his head sadly] … [cheers and applause]
In Louisiana, Republican state representative DavidDuke, a former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,announced this week that he will seek the U.S. Senateseat in Louisiana. When Duke was asked if he didn’tfeel his past as a Ku Klux Klan leader would haunt himin his political aspirations forever, he said,”There’s no way people will ever forget that. I guessit’s my cross to burn forever.” …
And now, it’s time for “Dennis Miller’s ChristmasCraft Corner”! … This week, I’ll be showing you howto make that special Christmas wreath project [dumps abag’s worth of Wonder Bread wrappers on the desk infront of him] out of all those old, used Wonder Breadwrappers. … [Bobbing his head enthusiastically as ifhosting a craft show] Now, what you do is, you takeeight or ten Wonder Bread wrappers, like I have here–[Using his arm, Dennis suddenly sweeps the wrappersoff the desk and on to the floor – bluntly] And youget rid of ’em. Ya get a credit card, you go to astore, you buy a wreath. All right? Thank you. …[cheers and applause]
[Photo of elderly comedian George Burns holding a copyof one of his books] And, this morning, George Burnsdisplayed a hardcover book that was removed from hisurinary tract Thursday … in a delicate three-houroperation. … Burns said that he was curious to readthe book that had been formed by the slow action ofchemical processes in his bladder. …
A nasal spray that stops bed-wetting was approved thisweek by the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA hasalso approved plans for a catheter that will cureallergies. …
New York State Lottery officials today unveiled a newLotto card that has an almost fifty percent chance ofwinning two million dollars. Cards will go on salenext month at a million dollars a pop. …
Domino’s Pizza owner Tom Monaghan said yesterday hemay sell the company to his employees. Talks arealready in progress but Monaghan said if the dealisn’t completed in thirty minutes, they can have thewhole company for nothing. …
A sports note. Sugar Ray Leonard defeated RobertoDuran in a unanimous decision Thursday night in LasVegas. Boy, did you see Round Seven? Did you see howmad Duran got when Sugar Ray kicked his walker outfrom underneath of him? … Asked about his futureplans, Duran said he’ll keep his date to fight nextmonth against renowned character actor Hume Cronin.[photo of the elderly Cronin] …
In a last-minute Christmas rush to cash in on themedia hype surrounding “Trump: The Game,” the GruberCorporation has now created “Merv: The Game.” Therules are the same except that, when playing “Merv,”the person who finishes a distant second is thewinner. …
TV Guide came out with a special issue this week ontelevision in the eighties and features a sectioncalled “Twenty Moments that Shaped – and Shook – theDecade.” The number-seventh-rated moment was “LukeWeds Laura” on “General Hospital” and thenumber-twelfth-rated moment was “Diane Leaves Sam” on”Cheers.” And the number-twentieth-rated moment was”The Berlin Wall Opens.” … Maybe those EastBerliners should just turn around and go back, huh?They don’t know what it’s like out here. …
[Photo of two gigantic Japanese sumo wrestlers – inthe background, a ringside observer has a good view ofone wrestler’s backside] You know, I can’t even tellyou what makes these sumo wrestlers tick … but I cantell ya that that man in the background is lookin’ atthe worst thing he’ll ever see in his life. …[cheers and applause] And– There – there are justsome events you don’t want to be ringside at. Youknow– …
Starting in January, Gumbel fans will have theirchoice of morning show Gumbels. Bryant on NBC or bigbrother Greg on CBS. Actually Bryant doesn’t have abrother but a recent ego overflow was enough to makeanother Gumbel. …
Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am – out o’here!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
December 16th, 1989 Andie MacDowell Tracy Chapman None Tom Davis Christine Zander Joe Franken Tom Schiller Drunk Driving Message
Montage
Andie MacDowell’s Monologue
The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved ChristmasRecurring Characters: Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, Hanukkah Harry. Transcript
Baby Carriers
Church ChatRecurring Characters: Church Lady, Nadia Comaneci, Leona Helmsley.
Tracy Chapman performs “Gimme One Reason”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: A love-starved Mrs. Claus (Victoria Jackson) sings “Santa Please SkipChristmas This Year” and sits on Dennis Miller’s lap. In the final update on the Al Franken Decade, Al Franken passes the torch to his son, Joe, who will now reign over the Joe Franken Decade. Transcript
Hal Jerome Tribute
“Dieter In Space”Recurring Characters: Dieter.
Tracy Chapman performs “All That You Have”
This Is Your Day
Season’s GreetingsSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) sing “The Little Drummer Boy.” Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein.
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Air Date:
Five Easy Pieces ’89Recurring Characters: Jack Nicholson.
