Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 13 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 17th, 1990 Tom Hanks Aerosmith None Joe Dicso Tom Davis Conan O’Brien Bob Odenkirk Dave Wilson Andy Murphy Trump Prenuptial AgreementsSummary: Thanks to a slick prenuptial agreement, Ivana (Jan Hooks) won’t be getting anything from Donald Trump (Phil Hartman) following their divorce. Recurring Characters: Donald Trump, Ivana Trump. Transcript
Montage
Tom Hanks’ MonologueSummary: After banging his knee backstage, Tom Hanks falls dead and has an out-of-body experience. Also Hosted: 85e, 87l, 88a, 90h, 91s, 96a, 05q. Transcript
Red Square McDonald’s
Wayne’s WorldSummary: Wayne (Mike Myers) relunctantly allows Garth’s (Dana Carvey) roadie cousin Barry (Tom Hanks) to be a guest just so he can get Aerosmith on the show. Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Mrs. Campbell. Transcript
Tales of RibaldryRecurring Characters: Evelyn Quince.
Aerosmith performs “Janie’s Got a Gun”
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Mr. Short-Term MemorySummary: Mr. Short-Term Memory (Tom Hanks) absentmindedly visits a friend (Phil Hartman) in the hospital. Recurring Characters: Mr. Short-Term Memory. Transcript
Tom Hanks: [ limping ] I can’t believe this.. I’m hosting this show now for the fourth time, and just now I banged my knee on this thing backstage.. and it’s killing me, but I’ll be alright..
Dave Wilson: [ on overhead loudspeaker ] Tom? Are you okay?
Tom Hanks: Yes, Davy.. yes.. I’ll be fine. It’s swollen up a little bit.. but it’s gonna be alright. I’ll be fine.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Thoughts: Oh, God, it hurts! It hurt somuch! Why does it have to hurt this much?!
Dave Wilson: We can get somebody to look at it..
Tom Hanks: No! No! It’s alright! Stop making a fuss!
Tom Hanks’ Inner Thoughts: Dear, God.. I know you have been good to me.. “Splash, “Big”, “Turner & Hooch” – now out on cassette – but, please, grant me this one last request. Please make this pain stop! Please.. make.. this.. pain.. sto-o-p!
[ Tom collapses to the floor ]
Dave Wilson: [ in control room ] Oh, my God.. I think he’s dead.. [ the other Control Room operators put their fists in the mouthes ]
[ Tom’s Inner Self arises from his dead body ]
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: Wow! I’m glad that’s over! Ahh.. I feel great! In fact, I feel wonderful! I’ve never felt so wonderful, so free, so light! All the pain is gone! [ he floats through the set [ Am I really light as air? Free of trouble, free of care? No more more worry, no more burden. All because my leg stopped hurtin’! [ floats over to his dead body ] Oh! Look at that poor man.. I wonder who he is? He looks so sad lying there.. But, still.. I feel wonderful! And I must tell the others! I must share my happiness with them! [ runs into the Control Room, where everyone is near tears ] Hello, everybody! Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Isn’t it wonderful! Isn’t it glorious! [ runs into the hall, where everyone is moving in slow motion ] What is going on? Why is everybody so agitated? What are these vibrations I’m feeling? Is something wrong? [ notices Victoria Jackson cryingin Phil Hartman’s arms ] Victoria, why are you crying? There’s nothing to be sad about. Everything is wonderful! Phil. Phil! Tell her everything is wonderful! Don’t you understand? Why don’t you answer me? You’re acting like you can’t even hear me!
Abraham Lincoln: [ offstage ] They can’t hear you, Tom.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: [ looking around ] What? What? Who said that? [ runs into the hall and finds Abraham Lincoln ] Mr. President, it’s you ! Tell me.. what’s happening? Why can’t I make them understand?
Abraham Lincoln: Because they exist on a different plane from us, Tom.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: You mean.. all that pain.. what happenedbackstage.. that I bumped my knee? I’m.. dead?
Abraham Lincoln: No, Tom. You’re an incredible pussy.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: I’m frightened, Mr. President.. I don’t like this place. I want to go back!
Abraham Lincoln: Then you must cling to life, Tom. You must want to live.
Tom Hanks’ Inner Self: Oh, but I do! I do, Mr. President. I want to live!
[ Tom spins through a spiral, then slowly wakes up where his body collapsed ]
Tom Hanks: Wow..! [ relieved ] Aw.. have we got a great show for you tonight! Aerosmith is here.. and we’ll be right back!
Don Pardo V/O: [over a graphic that reads: BLACKHISTORY MOMENT] NBC is proud to present another BlackHistory Moment. And now … Andy Rooney.
[Dissolve to elderly, gray-haired Andy Rooney, seatedat the desk in his cluttered office, addressing thecamera.]
Andy Rooney: February’s Black History Month in thisgreat multicultural nation of ours. I think I knowjust a little bit about history because, at themoment, I AM history. But did you know that GeorgeWashington Carver, a black man, introduced thecultivation of peanuts to America? He also inventedpeanut butter. He was a wonderful man. And did youever notice how peanut butter tastes better on darkbread? Dark beer is better, too. And black bean soupis much better than white bean. Dark is just better.And black is best. I’m Andy Rooney and I like blackpeople. I really do. … It’s fags I hate.
Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks Bill…..Phil Hartman Nurse…..Victoria Jackson
Jingle: “Mr. Short-Term Memory. He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree. Now there’s just no remedy. He’ll frustrate you so But he’ll never know. Because he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Hospital”.
[ segue into Mr. Short-Term Memory entering his friend Bill’s hospital room with some flowers ]
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. Hey, Bill, I, I came as soon as I heard about your leg.
Bill: Thank you, Jeff, I really appreciate that.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Appreciate what?
Bill: Well, that you came as soon as you heard.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Heard what? I don’t like the tone of your voice.
Bill: Well, that I broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no, Bill, that’s terrible! How did that happen?
Bill: Okay, get this. You know, we got all this snow last night.. so, I got the ladder out this morning and I was up on the roof sweeping the snow off with a broom. The ladder slipped on some ice and.. bam! I went down, broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What? Oh, no! You broke your leg! Bill, that’s terrible! How did it happen?
Bill: I was on the roof getting snow off with a broom, and I fell.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, my God! We’ve got to get you to a hospital!
Bill: Jeff, we’re in a hospital.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, then, we’ve got to get you a nurse. Nurse! Hello! Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse: [ rushes in ] What’s the matter?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What’s the matter? We’ve just got a man with a broken leg here.
Nurse: [ confused ] I was just here. What do you want me to do for him?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Do for who?
Nurse: [ pause ] I’ll come back later.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ turns to Bill ] So, Bill, it’s 2:00! What the hell are you still doing in bed?
Bill: I, uh.. broke my leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no! That’s awful!
Bill: Yeah, it is.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: How did it happen?
Bill: I fell.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: That’s it? That’s it? You fell? Come on, there’s gotta be more to it than that.
Bill: Okay. I was up on the roof and I was cleaning snow off when the ladder slipped and..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Wait, wait, wait, look, look, pal. I’ve got my troubles, too. I don’t go telling them to every stranger I meet.
Bill: Jeff, it’s me. Bill.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, Bill! Oh, no! This is terrible! Could we get a nurse for this person? Nurse! Hello! Nurse!
Nurse: [ rushes back in ] What’s the matter?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: What’s the matter? Hello there. I thought you might like to meet your patient. Nurse, patient. Patient, nurse. Now that I’ve broken the ice, maybe you two won’t be such strangers.
Nurse: [ angry ] Look, sir, I’m really busy, and I’d appreciate it if you would quit calling me.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, I would appreciate it if you didn’t keep interrupting us!
Bill: Well, Jeff, thanks for visiting me, your friend Bill, in the hospital because of my broken leg.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Huh? Oh! Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. No problem. [ looks at flowers ] Hey, Bill, these are, these are really beautiful flowers. I guess I should’ve brought you something.
Bill: Jeff, didn’t you bring me those flowers?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: I.. yeah. [ grabs tag from flowers and rips it up nonchalantly ] Yeah, yeah, I sure did. I brought you those flowers, Bill. I sure did. That was me.
Bill: Hey, Jeff, could you do me a favor? Pull that screen around. I, I need to use my bedpan.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. [ pulls screen around Bill’s bed ]
Bill: Ah, thanks. I appreciate this, Jeff.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill? Bill, is that you that just called me? Bill? [ peeks behind screen ] Oh, my God, Bill! You lazy slob! Get up and use the bathroom!
Bill: I can’t! I broke my leg!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, no! This is terrible! My buddy broke his leg! Don’t you worry. I’m going to get you some help. 911. [ dials phone ] Hello, hello, hello. This is an emergency. My friend’s hurt and I’ve got to get him to a hospital. What? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What? Why are you telling me this? Then why did you call me? I didn’t. I didn’t call.. [ hangs up phone ] some crank. So, Bill. Hey, it is 2:30! Rise and shine, sleepyhead!
Bill: Keep it down, Jeff. You’re in a hospital.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ frightened ] I’m in a hospital? Oh, no. Wh-what’s wrong with me?
Bill: There’s nothing wrong with you.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, don’t patronize me! I have a right to know! Why is everyone walking on eggshells? Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse: [ stomps into the room ] Look, you have done nothing but bother me, and all I have to say..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: You just give it to me straight. Am I dying?
Nurse: Of course you’re not dying.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: I can take it. I can take it. I’m not? Oh, happy day! Happy day! I’m not gonna die. Do you hear that, world? I’m not gonna die! I’m gonna live! I’m gonna live. And I’m gonna make every second count.
[ Nurse looks at Bill ]
Bill: I’m sorry. He was hit by a pear.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill? Bill Tucker? [ returns to room ] Bill. I came as soon as I heard about your leg.
Jingle: “He’ll win you yet And then he’ll forget That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
Donald Trump…..Phil Hartman Ivana Trump…..Jan Hooks Voice on Intercom…..Victoria Jackson
[ Ivana Trump storms into Donald Trump’s office at the Trump Plaza ]
Donald: Hello, Ivana. You know, I’m surprised to see you. I didn’t think we had anything to talk about.
Ivana: [ laughing ] I think we do, Donald. You see, I have no intention.. of settling for $25 million.
Donald: Well, darling, I’m afraid you’ll have to. You did sign a prenuptial agreement. [ Donald drops a very large book onto his table ] Ivana: A contract doesn’t worry me. I’ll fight it!
Donald: Well, you’re welcome to try, but Section 1 clearly states, and I quote: “In the event of a divorce, the Party of the Second Part, Mrs. Ivana Trump, will receive $25 million. Under no circumstances, and at no time, and in no country, may she request more.” Now, this is your signature and thumbprint, isn’t it?
Ivana: Well, yes, of course, you know it is. But that contract isn’t valid. You have a mistress, Donald!
Donald: Okaay.. I must remind you, Ivana.. [ leafing through contract ] ..that according to Section 5, Paragraph 2, I’m allowed to have mistresses, provided they are younger than you.
Ivana: Donald, do you actually think that I am going to take this lying down?! [ laughing nervously ]
Donald: Well.. [ leafing through contract ] ..in Section 5, you did agree to, “Take this lying down,” and “Let me walk all over you,” and then, where is it.. oh, yeah.. “Thank me, and ask for more.”
Ivana: Okay, Donald. Okay, you win. I’ll take the $25 million. But you had better believe that I am going to get EVERY CENT!
Donald: Yes. As long as you are aware that you will be paid in the giant stone coins of the Yapp Islanders.
Ivana: [ furious ] It can’t say that! It CAN’T say that!
Donald: [ showing her ] Right there. I got it from Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.
Ivana: Okay, Donald, but you just wait until I write my book, ha ha!
Donald: I should tell you that all the sordid details of this divorce are my property, and will be incorporated into my board game.
Ivana: [ crying ] Oh, Donald..
Donald: You know, Ivana, in a way, I’m disappointed. I mean, I really thought beating you would be much more of a challenge, it was.. so easy. [ Ivana cries harder ] I mean, do you realize how badly you’ve been beaten? You were easier than Merv! I mean, think of it: here you are, the mother of my children, a partner in my business, and you’re getting so little! Look, Ivana, let’s make this interesting. I’ll give you a double or nothing proposition, you’ve got two seconds.
Ivana: [ quickly agreeing ] Okay, okay..
Donald: [ placing cards on the table ] Find the red queen. [ singing ] Find the red queen. You know what I mean. There she is, now where’d she go? Keep your eye on the lady, and then you’ll know. It’s a red queen, you know what I mean. Find the lady, and you’ll get the green..
Ivana: [ deciding ] Okay.. that one, that one!
Donald: [ picks up card, reveals a jack of spades ] Oh, too bad, you lose! Nothing for you.
Voice on Intercom: [ buzzing in ] Mr. Trump, you wanted me to remind you about the “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Donald: Oh, yeah. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!
Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey Mrs. Campbell…..Nora Dunn Barry the Roadie…..Tom Hanks …..Aerosmith
Garth: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your excellent host -Wayne Campbell!
Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday night, I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! [ Wayne’s mom walks past with a basket of dirty clothes ] Hey, Mom! Mom, I’m doing a show, okay?
Mrs. Campbell: Sorry, Wayne. Just doing a load of whites. On with the show. Hi, Garth. Wayne, I honestly don’t understand how you manage to get everything you eat on the front of your t-shirts.
Wayne: Uh, Mom.. this is fascinating for everyone, alright? Myself, I’m enthralled. Could you go, please?
Mrs. Campbell: Alright, I get it, I get it.. I’m good enough to do your laundry, but not good enough to be on.. [ chanting ] “Wayne’s World!” “Wayne’s World!” [ returns upstairs ]
Wayne: Good call, Mom! I think you have a firm grasp of ourrelationship. Sorry about that. Okay.. before we begin, let me start off by saying that we have a very special “Wayne’s World” this week, okay? Garth’s cousin Barry is a roadie for Aerosmith, okay? And, guess what? They’re gonna be on the show!
Garth: [ excited ] Oh! Oh! I can’t believe they’re actually gonna be here! Oh! Oh!!
Wayne: Come on, Garth, don’t go squirrelly on me. I’m counting on you, man!
Garth: Okay, man.
Wayne: Okay, the only thing is, though, that I had to promise to put Barry on as a guest, alright? So, here he is. Garth’s cousin, who’s a roadie for Aerosmith – Barry!
[ as Barry walks downstairs, Wayne and Garth jam it up for his introduction ]
Wayne & Garth: “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent!”
Wayne: Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Barry.
Barry: [ stepping over the sofa to sit down ] Hi, Wayne.
Wayne: Hi. Uh.. you know Garth, of course.
Barry: Hi, Garth.
Garth: Hi, Barry!
Wayne: Okay, first of all, good work on getting Aerosmith on theshow, man.
Barry: Well, I told ’em that going on “Wayne’s World” was good for promoting the upcoming gig at the Aurora Civic Center, and they went for it.
Wayne: Okay! Now, uh.. Aerosmith is definitely here, right?
Barry: Yeah. Yeah. They’re upstairs in the kitchen sitting right at the table there.
Wayne: [ stomping his feet on the floor in excitement ] You mean, they’re up there in the breakfast nook! Aerosmith is in my breakfast nook? Excellent! Alright!
Garth: [ waving his drumsticks ] Excellent! Excellent!
Wayne: Alright, let’s go up to the Nook Cam, alright? [ jams his guitar ] “Nook Cam! Nook Cam! Wayne’s World! Excellent!”
[ camera blends to show us Aerosmith sitting around Wayne’s breakfast nook playing poker ] Alright! The Nook Cam. They’re they are.. Aerosmith! This is amazing! There’s Joey Kramer, Steven Tyler, Joe Perry, Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford! Aerosmith is sitting where I eat my Nut ‘n’ Honey everyday!
[ camera blends back to the basement ]
Garth: Oh! Oh! Oh, man, they’re actually here! I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! [ Barry wrestles him down ]
Wayne: Garth, take a ritelin, man! Alright, Barry – you’re a roadie, right? It must be Chick Central for you, right?
Garth: Yeah! You must be a citizen of Babe-ylon!
Barry: Well.. yeah.. uh.. we get our share of the babes.. But, you know, you don’t have a lot of time, and there’s a lot of people to consider.. I mean, there’s the band, there’s the sound guy, there’s the lighting crew, there’s management, there’s tour co-ordinators, the record company.. and then, of course, us, the roadies.
Wayne: Okay.. so, what you’re saying is that roadies are the bottom feeders in the Great Babe Food Chain. Right? [ Garth can’t control his laughter ]
Barry: Uh.. that is not what I’m saying, Wayne! I mean, come on.. there’s a ton of chicks who would rather go out with roadies than with the band.
Wayne: Shyeah, right! And, later on, monkeys might fly out of my butt! Okay, let’s see what’s happening upstairs on the Nook Cam. [ camera blends again to show us Aerosmith sitting around Wayne’s breakfast nook, as Mrs. Campbell shows off the family photos ] Oh, no! Oh, no, my Mom’s there, she’s talking to Aerosmith! Oh, no! I’m dying in death! Oh, no, she’s gonna say something stupid! Oh, no, this is BRUTAL!! [ Aerosmith gets up and walks aside with Mrs. Campbell ] Oh, no! They’re leaving! She’s making them take the house tour – the Walk of Shame! [ camera blends back to the basement ] Garth! Go! My mom must be stopped! Use violence if necessary!
Garth: [ running off ] Excellent!
Wayne: Alright.. Barry.. you’re gonna do us a little demonstration of what you do on stage, right?
Barry: [ gets up ] Yeah. Okay, what I do is make sure everyone’s got their gear on, and I cue their guitars, and I bring ’em out onstage.. [ demos ] ..and I start the mikes and make the sure the scarves are always in the right place.. and then, the most important thing – I gotta do a sound check. [ pulls the mike forward ] “Check. Check. Check 1. Sibilance. Sibilance. Check. Check. Check 2. Sibilance. Sibilance.” And that’s pretty much what I do.
Wayne: Well, that’s good. [ spots Garth returning ] Hey! Did you get her to stop?
Garth: Yeah, I stopped her!
Wayne: Alright, great! Thanks, Barry. That was really interesting. Not! Okay.. look, buddy, I honored my part of the contract, alright? So bring Aerosmith on!
Barry: Yeah! [ hops over the couch and runs upstairs ]
Wayne: Alright, excellent! Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you..Aerosmith!
[ Wayne and Garth bow before Aerosmith as they come crashing downstairs ]
Wayne: Okay! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”.. o Mighty Ones!
Steven Tyler: Hi, Wayne. Hi, Garth. Thanks for having us on the show.
Garth: Oh, Wayne, I’m so excited, I.. I think I’m gonna hurl!
Wayne: Hey! Garth, get it together, man. ‘Cause if you hurl, and I catch a whiff of it, man.. I’m gonna spew. And if I blow chunks, chances are someone else is gonna honk, alright? And that’s gonna set off a parastolic reaction, alright? Okay, sorry about that! Make yourselves comfortable, welcome to Party Central.. but I’ve just got to say, I think you guys are the greatest band in the world!
Garth: Without a doubt! Without a doubt!
Wayne: Garth! Aerosmith are here!
Wayne & Garth: Whoaaaaaaaaa!!!
Wayne: We told a lot of people that you guys were gonna be on the show.. right? And they had a lot of questions, right? So, here are the Top 3 Questions they had for Aerosmith, alright? Question #1: “Is it true you guys don’t do drugs or alcohol any more?”
Joe Perry: Yeah, man, that’s right. No drugs, no alcohol.Feels great.
Wayne: No way!
Joe Perry: Way.
Wayne: No.. way!
Joe Perry: Way!
Wayne: Okay! Okay, Garth, go ahead.
Garth: Okay, the next question is for Steven: “Are those really your lips, or are they lip implants like Barbara Hershey had in the movie ‘Beaches’?”
Steven Tyler: They’re mine, man!
Wayne: Bitchin’! Bitchin’ lips!
Wayne: Cool.. Lipmeister. Okay: “With the recent developments in Eastern Europe, do you think that Communism is on the decline, or is this just a temporary setback?”
Steven Tyler: Wow, man, that’s a hard question.. But I have torespond with a qualified yes. Although it seems that Socialism is in repose, until you repsoe the Stalinist era apparatchiks, there will be no real change in the Soviet Union.
Tom Hamilton: No, I disagree, man. There’s never been ablueprint for the dictatorship of the Proletariats, so there’s bound to be mistakes. However, if you study history, you’ll see that since the rise of the nationship, Socialism has been a historic inevitability.. dude.
Garth: Excellent! Excellent!
Wayne: Fascinating. Okay, we’re just about out of time, right? But it’s always been my fantasy to play with you guys. And I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind singing the “Wayne’s World” theme with me?
[ Aerosmith agrees, so they and Wayne ready their guitars ]
Wayne & Aerosmith: “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! It’s excellent! It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! It’s excellent!
Chicks go mental when we go down the street! It’s Wayne and Garth who they want to meet! Yeah, we’re in the basement playing with our toys! And if you do not like it, you’re a Sphincter Boy!
Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! It’s excellent! It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! It’s excellent!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 24th, 1990 Fred Savage Technotronic None Rob Smigel Tom Davis Jim Downey Church ChatSummary: The Church Lady (Dana Carvey) and her niece Enid (Fred Savage) give Donald Trump (Phil Hartman) and Marla Maples (Jan Hoks) a hard time. Recurring Characters: Church Chat, Donald Trump, Marla Maples.
Montage
Fred Savage’s MonologueSummary: As Fred Savage hits puberty while delivering his monologue, the voice of his older self (Rob Smigel) narrates the events like on “The Wonder Years.” Transcript
Gun SafetyParents (Phil Hartman, Victoria Jackson) keep hiding their gun in places that their son (Fred Savage) is most likely to look for it.
The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens. Transcript
Technotronic performs “Pump Up The Jam”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man, Grumpy Old Man.
Imaginary Friends
Shuttle Launch
Lothar Of The Hill PeopleRecurring Characters: Lothar, Tyler.
Susan: Oh baby, that was amazing, like you know exactly what I need, you know? I’m just crazy about you. [ kisses Lyle ]
Lyle: [ with a lisp ] We’ve got to stop seeing each other, Susan!
Susan: No, but Lyle, it’s so good that we’ve got this great chemistry, baby.
Lyle: I’m a married man, and you’re a married woman. Isn’t yourhusband getting suspicious?
Susan: No, no. [ lights a cigarette ] Tony doesn’t suspect a thing, baby. I swear.
Lyle: How could he not?
Susan: Well, he thinks you’re gay.
Lyle: [ shocked ] What?! That’s insane!
[ Cut to title sequence and theme song ]
Jingle: “He’s Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual He’s so terribly conjectual. Why he behaves that way, he’s not gay! He’s just Lyle, he’s swishy yes it’s true But he’s as straight as me, and probably you! The effeminate heterosexual No use getting intellectual Because nobody knows why He runs like a girl, he throws like a girl, Walks like a girl, talks like a girl He’s Lyle and I’ll tell you so help me He’s all guy”
[ fade in to Lyle’s house, Lyle in the living room ]
Lyle: [ calling up the stairs ] Kids, kids! The game’s on in five minutes, Bears vs. the Vikings! I’m not gonna wait for you!
Scott: [ from above ] Okay, Dad!
Lyle: [ strikes a weak pose ] Bears are gonna kick some ass, yay! [ sits down in his chair and takes a weak sip of his drink ] Yum yum, yummy beer! Let’s see what’s on after the game. [ leafs through TV Guide ] Ooh, “Splash”, Darryl Hannah, ouch, that hurts. Love to get some of that fishtail! [ Lyle’s wife suddenly enters the room ] Oh! Oh, my God! [ hides the magazine ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, what are you reading?
Lyle: Oh nothing, dear. How was your day? I love you, honey. [ kisses her ]
Lyle’s Wife: Oh, I love you too. It was the same. I’m a little worried about Scott, though. I think he broke up with his girlfriend. He seems a little upset.
Lyle: [ peevishly ] Well, I was wondering why he wasn’t down for the game. I mean it’s only for first place! I’ll just have a little man-to-man with him. That should do it.
Lyle’s Wife: Well, I’ll get you another beer, okay? [ phone rings – she answers it ] Hello? Oh yes, Mr. McGowan, he’s right here. [ to Lyle ] Lyle, it’s Billy’s art teacher, Mr. McGowan. He wants to talk to you.
Lyle: [ gets up and strolls slowly to the phone ] Billy’s taking art? What the hell for?
Lyle’s Wife: Oh, honey! [ hands him the phone ]
Lyle: [ grabs phone ] Hello? Yes? Oh yes I remember, back at theChristmas pageant, right? No, I’m sorry..? Well, that’s very nice that you like me.. Well, I really have no opinion of you. I’m sure you’re a decent fellow, why do you ask? Coffee? Well, why should I want.. What?! Oh, that’s insane! On what basis do you come to that conclusion? Oh, that is the sickest thing! Listen, you queer! If you so much as look at me at the next school function, I will rip your lungs out, do you hear me? [ slams the receiver ] Geez! What kind of world do we live in?
[ Scott comes running down the stairs ]
Scott: Hey Dad.
Lyle: [ stopping him ] Scott, Scott, sit down, let’s have a beer.
Scott: No thanks, Dad. I think I’m gonna go over to Richie’s.
Lyle: Now son, your mother tells me something’s bothering you. Now what’s the matter? Girl problems?
Scott: [ dejectedly ] Yeah.
Lyle: Would you like to tell me about it?
Scott: Well you wouldn’t understand.
Lyle: What do you mean? Come on, I’m not that old!
Scott: Well, it’s not that, it’s just.. I don’t know.. I mean, aren’t you gay?
Lyle: What?! I just don’t believe this! I oughtta kick your ass all across this room! Gay? I am your father, dammit!
Scott: Well a lot of gay men have families, Dad. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Lyle: [ shouts in surprise ] Oh! You go upstairs, you aregrounded! You stay up there until you figure out that I am not gay!
Scott: Okay Dad, I’m sorry. It’s just that.. forget it. [ returns upstairs ]
Lyle: [ still in disbelief ] Oh! My own son. [ doorbell rings – Lyle finds Susan at the door ] Susan!
Susan: Lyle!
Lyle: I told you never to come here!
Susan: I can’t hold it back any longer. I need to talk to your wife and resolve this once and for all. You know you need me as much as I need you baby! You know you do! [ gives Lyle a long kiss ]
Lyle: [ resisting ] No! No, no!
[ Lyle’s wife returns to the room ]
Lyle’s Wife: Honey, who was at the doo.. oh!
Lyle: [ startled ] Oh! [ nervous exchange of glances among the three ] Honey, this is.. [ giggles nervously ] ..this is Susan Simpkins. She’s an old..
Susan: Your husband and I are very much in love.
Lyle’s Wife: What?
Susan: We’ve been having an affair for over a year now. I’m sorry.
Lyle’s Wife: I don’t believe you! My husband would never have an affair!
Lyle: That’s right, honey!
Lyle’s Wife: It’s impossible – he’s gay!
Lyle: [ stunned, faces the camera for a close-up shot ] Whaaaaaat?!!
[ cut to title sequence and theme song ]
Jingle: “He’s asked us to say, he’s straight and not gay He’s Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual!”
Tatsuo Nosaka…..Mike Myers Wacky Father…..Dana Carvey Wacky Mother…..Victoria Jackson Wacky Son…..Jeff Renaudo Wacky Daughter….. Bear….. Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
[Tatsuo sits at desk. behind him are posters of Columbia Pictures films]
Tatsuo Nosaka: Hello, my name is Tatsuo Nosaka, I am new president of Columbia Pictures. I want to take opportunity to tell American people, we understand what you like! We are working hard to make many new films and television shows for you to consume. In fact, we have just finished new situation comedy for American TV audience. It is crazy and out to lunch! It is called “The Nude House Of Wacky People.” Here are some scenes:
[Stock footage of a car wiping out and hurtling down a cliff. Inset circle of Tatsuo narrating]
Here is the father coming home from work with many American hamburgers for the family. He is driving so crazy it makes me laugh! Oh, no! He is crashing so much I have to laugh again! This is too much for me to look at and yet somehow I want to watch more!
[Sitcom living room. The father carries an armload of hamburgers through the front door]
Here is the father again, trying to carry the hamburgers home. Maybe he should carry the car it is so small by now!
[doorbell rings]
Oh, no! How much more insane can it get, I am wondering also.
A bear? How did he get there? There is no time for wondering, because the father is already fighting the bear! Then the bear leaves.
[The bear does indeed stop fighting and walks calmly out the door.]
Whew! Could we please stop now because it is so insane? No, we cannot!
[Wacky mother descends staircase]
Uh-oh, here comes the mother! She is asking the father why the hamburgers smell like a car that has crashed. He tries to think of a falsehood, but he cannot! So he throws fudge at her!
[Father throws a handful of fudge at mother. Bear enters from front door]
Then the bear comes back for more fighting!
[Fight continues]
This is so unusual, I might have to lose my mind! This family is too eccentric!
[Bear calmly leaves again]
I am glad it’s over.
[The two children come down the stairs]
Hey! Here are the children of the wacky family! “Thank you for so many hamburgers,” they say! “Ohhhh,” says the father, “you cannot have hamburgers or candy canes until you do your homework!” “But we have no homework,” say the children. “No homework?” Says the wacky father, “Then you will have to fight the bear!”
[Father opens the door for the Bear, who now fights with all four family members.]
I hope you have enjoyed these scenes from “The Nude House of Wacky People,” Coming in January on CBS! If these pictures have not already convinced you how insane it is, then how about this?
[a green, dollar-sign-festooned show ribbon appears with Ronald Reagan’s face inside]
That is right, it is the Ron Reagan United States presidential seal of approval!
Ronald Reagan: The Nude House Of Wacky People is just the kind of wholesome family entertainment that Japan is known for. Nancy loves it too!
Tatsuo Nosaka: And, don’t forget our other new shows, such as:
[Appropriate title card appears for each show]
“You Can’t Stop Him, He’s Too Insane!”
“Good Hitting Police,”
and, “Who Can Figure Out Such Devices?”
If I am not mistaken, they will all drive you into a gourd! Later, dudes!
Air Date:
