Christopher Walken: Thank you very much. Hello, I’m Christopher Walken, and this is “Saturday Night Live”. Throughout my career, I’ve been accused of being cold, and distant.. even sinister.. often sounding as though I were reading my lines off of cue cards. But if you think I’m scary, you should be standing up here. It’s hard to describe the excitement that I’m feeling at this moment. But I’m sure you can see just how excited I am.. by the expression on my face. Okay, you can’t. So maybe it would be better if I expressed my feelings in another way.
[ singing ] “I feel like a million dollars I feel simply out of sight. Come on down, come on down I’m throwing a ball tonight
Fill up the ol’ paprika Load it with dynamite Come on down, come on down I’m throwing a ball tonight.
A certain person just brought the news Wow, it was great! I’m rehearsing in my dancing shoes ‘Cause now I can celebrate!
I feel like a million dollars I feel simply out of sight. Come on down, come on down I’m throwing a ball tonight.
I invited Michael Jackson I invited Princess Di I asked the Queen to make a scene With Cher, Trump, Bush, Prince, Sting, Liz, Madonna.
I Invited Joanie Collins And, of course, I asked Jackie O But, to my surprise, everyone of those guys RSVP’d no.
I feel like a million dollars I feel simply out of sight. Come on down, come on down I’m throwing a ball tonight.”
[ dance sequence with cast members in tuxedos ]
“I feel like a million dollars I feel simply out of sight. Come on down, come on down Come on down, come on down I’m throwing a ball tonight.”
That.. should give you.. some idea how excited I am. Bonnie Raitt is here.. so.. stay with us. Be right back!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 15: Episode 121 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
February 10th, 1990 Quincy Jones Tevin Campbell Andrae Crouch Sandra Crouch Kool Moe Dee Big Daddy Kane Melle Mel Quincy D III Siedah Garrett Al Jarreau Take 6 None Andy Murphy Bob Odenkirk Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) sing muscle-inspired lyrics to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz. Transcript
Montage
Quincy Jones’ MonologueSummary: Quincy Jones bypasses a traditional monologue so he can celebrate Nelson Mandela’s release from jail by conducting a performance of “Manteca” by the SNL Band.
Century 21 Marriage Counselors
Driving Miss DaisySummary: When Hoke (Quincy Jones) quits, Miss Daisy (Jan Hooks) takes on a new driver – Toonces the Cat who can drive a car! Recurring Characters: Toonces the Driving Cat. Transcript
The Bob Waltman SpecialSummary: Bob Waltman (Kevin Nealon) reduces more celebrities to tears in order to boost ratings, as well as his pwn personal delight. Recurring Characters: Bob Waltman, Leona Helmsley, Marion Barry, Tammy Faye Baker, Ronald Reagan. Transcript
Jazz Perspectif
Quincy Jones, Take 6, Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane, Melle Mel, Quincy D III, Siedah Garrett and Al Jarreau perform “Back on the Block”
Sharing The Swimsuit IssueSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) share observations while leafing trough the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein. Transcript
Quincy Jones, Take 6, Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane, Melle Mel, Quincy D III, Siedah Garrett and Al Jarreau perform “We Be Doinit”
Soviet Central CommitteeRecurring Characters: Mikhail Gorbachev.
House Committee on Dials & GaugesSummary: After a crazed ferris wheel operator (Dana Carvey) sets a dial on “Dangerous Speed”, the President of Amalgamated Dials & Gauges, Frederick J. Amalgamated (Kevin Nealon), is called before Congress to explain why he manufactures gauges with dangerous level settings. Transcript
We Are WorldSummary: Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) sing “We Are the World.” Recurring Characters: Tonto, Tarzan, Frankenstein. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Dr. FultonSummary: Piano verses accentuate a patient’s (Phil Hartman) analysis of his failed relationship during a psychiatric session with Dr. Fulton (Quincy Jones). Transcript
[ Establishing shot of office entrance. Close-up shot of sign: “Wallace R. Fulton – M.D., P.C., Psychiatry.” Inside, a grief-stricken patient sits on the couch, holding a handkerchief and sniffling. Dr. Fulton sits in an armchair with a note pad. ]
Patient: (sniff) I’m, I’m sorry. What was I talking about?
Dr. Fulton: Your ex-wife.
[ A piano slowly begins playing 12-bar F-scale blues along with the patient’s words. ]
Patient: Oh yeah. You rem– you remember I said my ex-wife called last Sunday, to let me know she’s having an affair?
Dr. Fulton: Yes, I remember.
Patient: Well, she called again this Sunday, to make sure I knew she was having an affair.
Dr. Fulton: How does that make you feel?
Patient: Well God knows I hate the woman, but down inside there’s still a piece of me that cares.
Dr. Fulton: So, how are you dealing with it?
[ The piano continues playing into his second “verse”, becoming more prominent as he goes on. ]
Patient: Well, I didn’t go to work on Monday … I watched TV all day in bed.
Dr. Fulton: Is that the way you always react to her calls?
Patient: Well yes, she calls and tells me she’s happy, and … I usually watch TV all day in bed.
Dr. Fulton: Why does her happiness bother you so much?
Patient: Makes me feel like I have nothing … and no one cares if I’m alive or dead.
Dr. Fulton: What about your relationship with Amy?
[ The piano tune reaches its full 6/8 tempo and becomes louder. ]
Patient: Amy’s just like my mother …
[ ba bum ba bum ]
Patient: … my first and second wife …
[ ba bum ba bum ]
Patient: … I seek out desperate women, I have done it all my life!! It’s because I’m unentitled, like, they won’t love me for myself …
Dr. Fulton: Do you see this as a repeating pattern in your behavior?
Patient: (Shrugging it off) Yes, yes, I perpetuate bad relationships by denying all my needs for someone else.
Dr. Fulton: And why do you think you do that?
Patient: (sits up, starts crying to the tempo as he has an epiphany) Oh God …
Dr. Fulton: Go ahead.
Patient: (to the tempo) … Dear God …
Dr. Fulton: Keep on going.
Patient: (to the tempo, now bawling) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-waaaaohh … (plops back on the couch)
[ The piano continues playing throughout the final verse ]
Dr. Fulton: How do you feel?
Patient: I dunno … I know it intellectually, but I can’t learn it emotionally.
Dr. Fulton: Have you tried?
Patient: Yes! No … I don’t know how.
Dr. Fulton: Well, you think about it … and we’ll talk about it … but I’m afraid we’ll have to stop right now.
[ The blues music concludes, as the patient blows his nose. ]
Ride Operator…..Dana Carvey Committee Member…..Nora Dunn Frederick J. Amalgamated…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on carnival, showing the ferris wheel spinning at a normal pace ]
[ cut to Ride Operator manning the speed level for the ferris wheel, his hand moving the lever from Safe Speed to Fast Speed ]
[ ferris wheel begins to spin a little faster, blended in with a close-up of the Ride Operator’s face expressing a sadistic laugh ]
[ Ride Operator’s hand moves the lever from Fast Speed to Dangerous Speed, as the ferris wheel spins out of control and sends passenger’s flying through the air ]
[ newspaper spins into foreground over image of ride Operator laughing sadistically, headline reads: “Ferris Wheel Kills Forty” ]
[ second newspaper spins into the foreground, with the headline: “Congress To Investigate” ]
[ dissolve to exterior shot of the House of Congress ]
[ dissolve to exterior of meeting room in interior hallway, emphasis on sign “House Committee On Dials & Gauges” ]
[ dissolve to interior, meeting room, where Committee Member sits at the bench in front, opposite Frederick J. Amalgamated at the prosecution table away from the bench ]
Committee Member: This meeting of the House Committee On Dials & Gauges is now in session. Will the first wintess please identify himself?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Frederick J. Amalgamated.
Committee Member: And what do you do?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: I am President of Amalgamated Dials & Gauges.
Committee Member: You manufacture dials and gauges?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: That is correct.
Committee Member: And did your company make this ferris wheel control?
[ staffer holds up the control dial seen earlier in the sketch ]
Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ examining the dial carefully from the distance where he sits ] Uh.. yes.. I believe we did.
Committee Member: Now, sir, let me ask you: Why do you have a Dangerous Speed on the control?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ not comprehending the question ] What?
Committee Member: Why is there a level maked “Dangerous”?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well.. you’re not supposed to use that speed.
Committee Member: Then why is it on the gauge? Why even put it there?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well, now that you mention it, I-I-I don’t really know.. uh.. could it beee.. to show you where not to go?
Committee Member: And, for that matter, why would you even have a “Fast” speed on a ferris wheel? I mean, most people do not want to go fast on a ferris wheel, do they?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well, again, that would be a speed, more or less, to avoid. Sort of a.. transition speed between “Safe”.. and “Dangerous”.
Committee Member: Which.. which you wouldn’t use, either?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Correct.
Committee Member: So, basically, two of the three speeds on the gauge are either dangerous or undesirable.
Frederick J. Amalgamated: [ confused ] So, wha-what is your point?
Committee Member: [ clearly annoyed ] Can you tell us, is there any sort of a safety device to prevent someone from moving the, uh.. the speed on the ferris wheel lever to a dangerous speed?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: No. But can I say something here? Until we can stop the hiring of insane ferris wheel operators, we’re not gonna solve this problem!
Committee Member: [ solemn ] Thank you.. thank you.. [ staffer steps up holding a gauge from a nuclear submarine ] Sir.. do you.. do you make this gauge for use on our nuclear submarines?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Uh.. yes, I did. That shows depth.
Committee Member: Now, why does it have levels that read “Deep”, “Very Deep”, and “Way, Way Too Deep”, with the words “Submarine Will Explode” in parentheses?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: What do you mean?
Committee Member: We’ve had five nuclear submarines explode in the past year, all because they went too deep, and all equipped with this gauge.
Frederick J. Amalgamated: Well.. this gauge is actually just a meter. It just shows the depth, it doesn’t control it.
Committee Member: But isn’t it true that on at least one occasion, a sailor was able to physically move the indicator to “Way, Way Too Deep”, and the submarine, in fact, went too deep and exploded? [ bangs gavel on her bench ] Now, Mr. Amalgamated.. [ points to thermostat on the wall to her right ] Did you make this.. gauge here, which controls the temperature in this room?
Frederick J. Amalgamated: For the purposes of this sketch.. yes.
Committee Member: Now, why does it have settings that read “Comfortable”, “Too Hot”, and “Will Bake A Person Like A Potato”? Look around you! Look around you, sir! do you see any cannibals in this room? [ Mr. Amalagamated looks around the room in a serious manner, studying the people who are in there with him ] Mr. Amalgamated! Mr. Amalgamated! You can stop looking, that was merely a rhetorical question! [ a beat ] Now, I can either issue you a warning or levy a slight fine. But I’m going to go way, way beyond that.. and order that you be executed in the electric chair!
[ music sting ]
[ dissolve to close-up of electric chair switch, set on “Off”. Hand reaches in and pulls lever downward to “Deadly Voltage”, with the appropriate electrical sound effects heard. Hand then pulls lever downward to “Enough to Power A City”, with more intense electrical sound effects. Hand then moves lever all the way down to “Can Bake A Person Like A Potato”, as the lights begin to flicker with the sound of extreme electrical sound effects. ]
Quincy Jones: Now I know how Mike Tyson feels, after this show. I want to thank everybody.. and the audience.. the greatest band, the greatest staff, the gretest artists. I love you, good night!
[ open on “Pumping Up with Hans & Franz” logo over image of a red heart ]
Announcer: And now, a special Valentine’s Day presentation from Hans & Franz.
[ dissolve to Hans & Franz on their set ]
Hans: Good evening. Once again, I am Hans.
Franz: Ya. And I am Franz.
Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap their hands ] ..you up.
Hans: You know, Valentine’s Day is coming. But just because we are alone tonight, don’t be thinking we are losers.
Franz: Ya! We could very easily come out here with a lovely liebchen on each arm, but what would that prove?
Hans: Ya! It would only provoke a flabulance of jealousy and envy!
Franz: Alright. Enough talk. Valentine’s Day is a time for serious reflection.
Hans: Ya. Time to consider the relationship between a man and his most important love.
Together: His muscles!
Hans: Happy Valentine’s Day, muscles!
Franz: This one’s for you.
[ singing variant of Frankie Avalon’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” ] “You’re just too pumped to be true Not one ounce of flab from you. You’re just like heaven to touch I want to hold you so much.”
Hans: [ singing variant of Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called To Say I Love You” ] “I just called To say I pumped you! I just called To say how big you are!”
Franz: [ singing variant of Andy William’s “Theme From Love Story” ] “Where do I begin You’re to tell a story of the flab that I have seen.”
Hans: [ singing cariant of The Commodores’ “Three Times A Lady” ] “You’re once.. twice.. Three times the size of a normal muscle!”
Franz: [ singing variant of Frank Sinatra’s “Stranger In The Night” ] “Losers in the night Exchanging flab. Muscles are not tight You know, their tone is bad.”
Hans: [ singing variant of Richard Harris’ “MacArthur Park” ] “Someone left his buttocks in the rain I don’t think they can be tightened And it makes me very frightened! ‘Cause I’ll never have that pumpitude agaaaaaaiiiinnnnn! Oh, noooooooo!! Oh, noooooooo!!”
Together: [ singing variant of Frankie Avalon’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” ] “I love you, muscle! And, if it’s quite alright.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“”
Miss Daisy…..Jan Hooks Hoak…..Quincy Jones Boolie…..Phil Hartman
[ open on footage of car driving down the road ]
[ dissolve to car interior, grumpy Miss Daisy sitting in the back seat, as chauffeur Hoak mans the steering wheel in the front ]
Hoak: Sure is a beautiful day, isn’t it, Miss Daisy?
Miss Daisy: You be quiet! Wouldn’t know what it’s like outside, you’re driving too fast for me to see anything!
Hoak: Now, Miss Daisy.. the speed limit’s 25 miles an hour, and I’m only going five.
Miss Daisy: Well, it’s too fast! I like to go backwards. And look here – you keep your eyes on the road!
Hoak: Now, Miss Daisy, I’m a grown man, and I know how to drive.
Miss Daisy: Well, then, why are we going to the Puggly Wiggly this way? I always take Mulberry Road.
Hoak: But Mulberry Road’s in Alabama, Miss Daisy.
Miss Daisy: Well.. it’s the way I’ve always gone!
Hoak: [ has now had enough ] Miss Daisy? You know what your problem is?
Miss Daisy: No, Hoak. But I imagine you’re gonna tell me.
Hoak: Well.. it seems to me like you an old, ugly, dried-up sack of fertilizer, Miss Daisy.
Miss Daisy: That is the last straw, Hoak! I’m tired of your backtalk! You are fired!
Hoak: You can’t fire me, Miss Daisy! ‘Cause I quit! [ casually steps out of the moving vehicle ]
Miss Daisy: [ now fearing for her life without a driver behind the wheel ] Hoak! Hoak! You get back in this car!!! [ screams ]
[ cut to stock Toonces footage of white car flipping over the side of a cliff, crashing to the ground below ]
[ dissolve to Miss Daisy cooped up in bed, as her son Boolie enters the room ]
Miss Daisy: Boolie? Is that you?
Boolie: How you feelin’, Mama?
Miss Daisy: Oh! Well, just fine. I’m ready to go on out to the Piggly Wiggly now. Have you found a driver for me yet, boy?
Boolie: Yes, I did, Mama. It wasn’t easy findin’ out that wouldn’t talk back, but I managed.
Miss Daisy: Wellll.. you’re a good boy, Boolie. What’s his name?
Boolie: I’m not sure, Mama.. he gave me his card here, but it’s.. kinda hard to read.
Miss Daisy: [ glancing at the card quizzically ] Hmm..
[ dissolve to opening Toonces theme ]
Jingle: “Toonces the Driving Cat The Cat who could drive a car. He drives around all over the town Toonces the Driving Cat!”
Announcer: Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car! Tonight’s episode: “Driving Miss Daisy”.
[ dissolve to Miss Daisy in the back seat, with Toonces at the wheel in front ]
Miss Daisy: Now, this is much, much better! No backtalk! I can just relax, and enjoy mysaelf at last! [ looks out the window, suddenly filled with worry ] Excuse me? Where are you going? You just.. you just passed the Piggly Wiggly! Now, you turn this car around, right now, do you understand me? Turn around! [ Toonces hits the pedal instead ] You’re going too fast!Slow down!! [ screams as the car twists out of control ]
[ cut to stock Toonces footage of white car flipping over the side of a cliff, crashing to the ground below ]
Jingle: He drives around all over the town. Toonces the Driving Cat.”
Music Intro: “Oh! You Pretty Things”, David Bowie.
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you?
Nelson Mandela will be released tomorrow, from a South African camp. This photo of Mandela, taken nearly three decades ago, is the world’s last image of the anti-Aprtheid leader. To ease the shock of seeing what 27 years in a South African prison can do to a man, Pictoria released this picture today: [ old image of Nelson Mandela cuts to a fresh photo of Dick Clark ]
Dennis Miller: Brutal. Okay, um.. alright. [ looking at camera, but points back to the green screen for his next joke ] Um.. no, no. That’s not the right joke, we’re gonna do this joke. [ image of Andy Rooney appears ] Thank you, guys. Uh.. [ in his best Andy Rooney voice ] “Did’ja ever put your foot in your mouth?”
Andy Rooney denied he was a racist, and pointed to his earlier work in TV, including the popular “Amos ‘N Andy Rooney Show”.
Hundreds of thousands of Russians marched in Moscow this week, as loudspeakers blarewd the new Soviet national anthem:
Song:: Theeee.. party’sssss.. overrrrrr.. It’s time to call it a dayyyyy…”
Due to the unstable nature of the Communist ideology, the Russians this week made a minor change in their official symbol. [ hammer and sickle stand upright in the shape of a question mark ]
And.. according to the Washington Post, the United States has finally regained its international leadership. As of this week, we’re the only country in the world with a Communist party.
Dennis Miller: John Gotti, reputedly the nation’s top Mafia boss, has scored his third court victory in four years yesterday. A New York Supreme Court jury found Gotti not guilty of assault and conspiracy charges. Don Pardo, tell ’em what the jury has won!
[ game show music pots up ]
Don Pardo: [ over picture of luggage ] Dennis, the Gotti jury will get a complete set of matching Samsonite luggage! Preferred by smart juries everywhere, just in time for their world cruise!
Dennis Miller: Love-ly!
Don Pardo: [ over picure of cruise ship ] Yes, Dennis! Thanks to Mario Perillo, they’ll sail away on a Perillo luxury cruise liner! Dressed in a complete travel wardrobe of fasion from the House of Gambino. Foremost in traveling clothes!
Dennis Miller: And where are they going, Don?
Don Pardo: [ oer picture of Rome ] Dennis, they’ll sail to exotic Rome, Italy! Where they’ll bask in luxury accomodations, having the time of their lives!
Dennis Miller: How long will they be gone, Don?
Don Pardo: Until the next tri-ial, Dennis!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Don Pardo!
[ Dennis pulls out a paperweight haped like a hand with a knife stuck through it ]
Jurors will also receive this commemorative Luca Brasi paperweight.. to, uh.. constantly remind them of what a wise decision they made.
You know, I just wanted to tell you, because Quincy’s here this week, and I did a little research. I looked in to see what my rap name is, and.. uh.. oddly enough, my rap name is also Dennis Miller.
You know.. while visiting Panama last week, Vice-President Quayle was given an up-close and personal demonstration of jungle warfare that proves properly-camoflauged soldiers can easily blend in with deadwood.
And, President Bush joked this week with Topp’s baseball card company president Arthur Shorin, after receiving a book of baseball cards and bubble gum at a meeting in the Oval Office. Shorin said, after the past eight years, it was nice to give bubble gum to a president and know that it wouldn’t interfere with his walking.
And President Bush, this week, defended his decision to attend a February 15th drug summit in Colombia, and said he would not do anything stupid or macho. Bush also appointed Mayor Mario Barry to chair a committee to see if there are more drugs in Colombia.. or the District of Columbia.
President Bush, this week, took time to pose knowingly with three devices that he has absolutely no clue about.
And, according to biological experts in Brownville, Texas, killer bees are now 150 miles from the Texas border and heading north. The bigconcern in Texas is that the bees will take jobs from Americans.
One final note in the Superbowl: While nobody watched the second half and wouldn’t have been aware of this fact, the game was so lop-sided that 49er quarterback Joe Montana agreed to play the second half on one leg.
[ over a picture of a ferocious-looking otter situated in a swamp ] An older, but nonetheless feisty, Mark Sptiz this week reiterated his intention to participate in the 1992 Summer Olympics.
Dennis Miller: Nice to see he’s growing the moustache back.
You know, it was annouced this week by ABC’s TV program chief that the new half-hour Elvis Presley sitcom has ballooned to a one-hour show.
And a warrant is out today for Eddie Antar, the founder of the Crazy Eddie chain, for illegally taking $52 million of the company’s money Naturally, Eddie’s lawyers say they’ll plead insanity.
And.. one of last month’s Avianca crash victims was found to have swallowed several cocaine-filled condoms. However, smugglnig has been ruled out, as that was the in-flight meal on Avianca Flight 52.
Dennis Miller: “Stewardess? I’ll have the ribbed!”
And.. Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue came out this week, and included candid shots of Wayne Gretzky, Joe Montana, and Magic Johnson.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I am out of here!
Bob Waltman…..Kevin Nealon Leona Helmesley…..Nora Dunn Marion Barry…..Quincy Jones Tammy Faye Bakker…..Jan Hooks Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman
Announcer: This Tuesday at nine, it’s “The Bob Waltman Special”. A rare look into the private world of some of the country’s biggest celebrities.
[ dissolve to file photo of Leona Helmesley accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Billionairess Leona Helmesley. The self-annointed queen of the Helmesley hotel empire. She lived a life of opulence.. but, now, she faces charges of tax fraud that could put her behind bars for four years.
[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Leona Helmesley ]
Bob Waltman: You.. you’ve been called everything from the.. Wicked Witch of the West, to.. Tough Bitch. How does that make you feel.
Leona Helmseley: [ sternly ] I’m an executive. I’m a woman. I’m tough. So they call me a bitch.
Bob Waltman: Even with a new appeal, the likelihood of spending several years in a small prison cell, away from your lvoed ones.. that’s gotta hurt.
Bob Waltman: No longer able to enjoy the luxuries that you worked so hard for, and deserve.
Leona Helmseley: It’s unfair, you know? It’s, uh.. [ another sniff ] Oh, come on here, wait a minute, you’re not gonna make me cry! I know that happens to a lot of your guests, but, uh.. after all, I do have to live up to my reputation. [ sniffs ]
Bob Waltman: Oh, no, no.. that’s all right. Everyone’s allowed to have emotions. Especially victims. Now.. as a child, you were abandoned by your parents?
Bob Waltman: And I understand that recently, you had to fly.. coach?
Leona Helmseley: [ breaks down into tears ]
Bob Waltman: And now they’re taking it all away from you. How does that make you feel?
[ Leona collapses into herself, unable to stop the flow of tears ]
[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]
[ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: “The Bob Waltman Special”. No one gets closer.
[ dissolve to file photo of Marion Barry accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Marion Barry. He was a talented politician who had risen to national prominence. Then, suddenly, his political career – like the crack he purchased from the FBI – went up in smoke. He’s determnied to tough it out. But is he tough enough?
[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Marion Barry ]
Bob Waltman: You were mayor of the nation’s capitol.. an inspiration for so many.. and, then.. the arrest.. the humiliation.
Marion Barry: Ve-ry unfortunate. But that’s behind me now, and I’m looking forward to clearing up my name and getting re-elected.
Bob Waltman: Yet, because of the harrassment and.. entrapment.. everything you’ve worked for is gone. Your career.. your family.. your reputation – all gone. And you can never get that back.
Marion Barry: [ with regret ] Yeah.. I-I guess, uh.. sometimes things just ha-happen. Uh.. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to- [ tries to hold back his tears ]
Bob Waltman: No, no, no,no.. that’s all right. There’s no, uh.. there’s no reason to be ashamed for showing our feelings. It’s okay. [ continues the interview ] Your future looks bleak.. your personal problems are mounting.. ever ask yourself “Why?”
Marion Barry: [ sniffs several times, then holds his hand to his nose for a giant snort ] Well, I-I-I, uh.. I-I think the biggest tragedy is that I let my family down.. [ sniffs, sniffs ]
Bob Waltman: Where do you see Marion Barry in three years?
Marion Barry: [ crying ] I-I don’t know-ow..
Bob Waltman: A broken man?
[ Marion Barry sniffs his way into more deep tears ]
[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]
[ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: Bob Waltman. Opening doors and touching hearts. No one gets closer.
[ dissolve to file photo of Tammy Faye Bakker accompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Tammy Faye Bakker. PTL survivor, supporter and wife of Jim Bakker.
[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Tammy Faye Bakker ]
Bob Waltman: Tammy, you–
[ mascara already running, Tammy immediately breaks down into a heap of tears ]
[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]
[ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: Bob Waltman. No one gets closer.
[ dissolve to file photo of Ronald Reagan ccompanied by Bob Waltman voiceover ]
Bob Waltman V/O: Ronald Reagan. Sportcaster-turned movie star-turned fortieth President of the United States-turned private citizen. Certainly a proud and illustrous career. He has everything in the world to be happy about. But is he?
[ dissolve to Bob Waltman chatting with Ronald Reagan ]
Bob Waltman: Mr. President. Did you hear about the little girl who lost her parents in that plane crash?
Ronald Reagan: [ appearing lost ] Well.. no, I didn’t. Nancy and I have been busy setting up camp in Los Angeles. She has a book out, you know?
Bob Waltman: Hmm. What about the fathers, that were left behind on the Titanic? Kissing their children goodbye for the last time?
Ronald Reagan: Well.. I’ve often though how those men were.. heroes. And, luckily, they.. build boats better now.
Bob Waltman: Any regrets in your life, Mr. President?
Ronald Reagan: No, I’m very happy, no complaints.
Bob Waltman: What if anything ever happened to Nancy? you-you ever think about that?
Ronald Reagan: [ thinking ] Well.. no. Nancy’s got her ,i>book, you know? I.. I worked with Errol Flynn in the pictures. now, that’s when Hollywood was magic!
Bob Waltman: Whast if you go first.. and Nancy is left alone?
Ronald Reagan: Well.. [ rubbing his eyes as a strange mist floats through the air ] Now.. Nancy stays.. pretty busy thiese days.. dinner parties for her book tour..
Bob Waltman: Mmm-hmm. Knowing it will never be the way it was.
[ camera cuts to long-shot to reveal Bob wearing a face mask as he holds a canister of tear gas (clearly labeled) beneath Reagan’s body ]
Ronald Reagan: Well, I.. I, uh.. I, uh.. [ changes thought ] Pat O’Brien! [ rubs his eyes ] Oh, boy..
Bob Waltman: It’s okay, we all have feelings.
[ Bob turns to the camera, perks up with a wide half-smile underneath his protective face mask to congratulate himself for making his guest cry ]
[ dissolve back to title graphics ]
Announcer: The “Bob Waltman Special”. No one gets closer.
Air Date:
