Category: 1989

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

TV Lawyers

Judge…..Nora Dunn
Prosecutor…..Kevin Nealon
…..Corbin Bernsen
Susan Dey…..Jan HooksRaymond Burr…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on exterior, Municipal Court of Los Angeles ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom, as the Judge pounds her gavel ]

Judge: The next case is number 15702: The State of California vs. Corbin Bernsen. Does the prosecution have any opening remarks?

Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor. [ stands ] These are the facts: Mr. Bernsen has constructed a three-story addition to his house that variants with public building codes, which limits structures in his zone to two stories. The State is asking him to dismantle the top story of his, uh, addition, and pay $1,500 in fines.

Judge: Alright, now, Mr. Bernsen.. where is your counsel?

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor — [ stands, smoothes the creases from his jacket ] it is my intention to represent myself.

Judge: Now, Mr. Bernen, this is a complicated matter. I strongly urge you to retain a lawyer.

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor, I don’t think you understand — for the last four years, I have portrayed a lawyer on a television program. And, in that time, I have grown very familiar with legal procedure.

Judge: [ sighs ] Alright, Mr. Bernsen. Why don’t you present your case?

Corbin Bernsen: Thank you, Your Honor. [ stands before the courtroom ] If it please the court, throughout the course of this trial, I intend to get an injunction and file several motions. [ paces the courtroom ] Affadavits will be signed. And submitted. and, of course, my case will include deposition. That’s right — [ stares directly at the Prosecutor ] lots of depositions.

[ the Prosecutor shakes his head ]

Judge: Mr. Bernsen, will you please get to your point?

Corbin Bernsen: Very well, Your Honor. We can litigate on that later. But, first, I’d like to make several legal points, which have a relevance to this case. A case which is now.. in a court of law. And, with your permission, I would like to lead the witness with torts, writs, and, if necessary — [ stares once again at the Prosecutor ] more depositions.

Judge: [ sternly ] Mr. Bernsen, we have many cases to hear today. Will you please be succinct?

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor, I move that a mistrial be declared immediately in your chambers, to issue subpeonas and exchange legal briefs.

Prosecutor: Ob-jec-tion! [ rises ] Mr. Bernsen clearly does not understand the concept of this trial.

Judge: Objection sustained.

Prosecutor: Thank you. [ sits ]

Corbin Bernsen: Yuor Honor, this trial is, without question, the greatest injunction I have ever witnessed! This room is FULL of heresay and suspicious persons, and I must ask that ALL remarks be STRICKEN from the record, and be put on fle with the Court Clerk! [ to the Court Clerk ] Could you read that back to me, please?

Judge: Mr. Bernsen, it is the opinion of the Court that you are a boob. And I feel it is only in your best interest that I appoint you an attorney.

Corbin Bernsen: Oh — alright — wait, wait, wait. I-I foresaw this as a possibility, and I have, uh, I have legal counsel right outside.

Judge: Please.

Corbin Bernsen: I ask the Court.. to welcome Miss Susan Dey.

[ Susan Dey saunters into the courtroom in the same smooth demeanor of her character, Grace Van Owen ]

Susan Dey: Your Honor, I’m sorry about Corbin – he obviously did not prepare very well.

Judge: Well, there’s been no harm done, if you’ll just please advise him to pay his fines.

Susan Dey: [ steps closer to the Judge ] Your Honor, this case is not about building codes.. or zoning laws.. or any abstract ideas. [ turns to face the courtroom ] THIS.. case.. is about a real.. house. With a real.. addition. With real walls.. made of real sheetrock — oh, yes. [ nods her head ] And real moldings.. that have been really.. painted. With.. real paint.

Judge: I think we’ve heard enough, Miss Dey. Please sit down.

[ Susan Dey rolls her eyes, then takes a seat ]

Corbin Bernsen: S-sorry, Your Honor. Susan’s character has been going through some rough times on the show. But waiting outside is a much older, much more experienced lawyer who has agreede to represent me. Allow me to introduce Mr. Andy Griffith — TV’s “Matlock.”

[ Andy Griffith enters the courtroom, smiling and waving at everyone in the room ]

Andy Griffith: Your Honor, I don’t know SPIT about lawyerin’! But, ever since I was a little shaver, I used to love to sit by Crackleberry Creek! Fish for large-mouthed bass, just fryin’ them up! Mmm-mmm!!

Judge: Get out! Get out, get out! All of you, get out!

Andy Griffith: Nooow, hold yer horses! I won’t be handlin’ this case alone. I brought my good friend, Raymond Burrr along with me, to help me.

[ a heavily-padded and heavily-beared Raymond Burr swaggers into the courtroom ]

Raymond Burr: Your Honorrrr — [ takes a deep breath ] I intend to prove that my client, Corbin Bernsen, is INCAPABLE of the murder of Dr. Ainsley Bainbridge. [ takes another deep breath ] If you’ll indulge me in a little demonstration — [ clears his throat ] Paul?

[ a gentlemen enters the courtoom wheeling a volcano science project toward the Judge’s desk ]

Judge: [ banging her gavel ] Alright!! Now, Mr. Bernsen, I fine you guilty, and I assess the maximum fine against you! Now, before you go, I want you to know that I think the way you people have — have conducted yourselves here today is DISGUSTING! Now, I expect that kind of behavior from you people from “L.A. Law” — and from you, Matlock — but, not from you, TV’s Perry Mason! YOU’RE the reason I got into Law!! And I feel SORRY for you! Now, that is ALL I have to say!

Corbin Bernsen: Hold on! Before you go, there’s something I want to say to you. [ violin music pots up ] Maybe the four of us don’t know about this business — the specific details of the Law, or what it’s intended to do, or even how to find somebody who knows this stuff. But we do know one thing: that’s how to make a dramatic exit. [ to his colleagues ] Let’s go.

[ the four TV lawyer/actors make their dramatic exits from the courtroom as the crowd applauds their performance ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Corbin Bernsen’s Monologue

…..Corbin Bernsen

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Corbin Bernsen!

Corbin Bernsen: Alright! Thank you! Yeah! Thank you very much! Thank you! [ chuckles heartily ] Thank you!

Well, I’m really glad to be in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live,” huh? Now, before we start the show, there’s — I’d like to take this opportunity to clear something up. Now, because of the character I play on “L.A. Law” — Arnie Becker — you probably have a preconceived image of me as a cocky, arrogrant womanizer. [ the audience cheers ] That’s just.. a character. Now, I suppose there might be uh, a little bit of, uh, Arnie Becker in me, and. the truth is, when I first became famous, I did have a tendancy to be.. a little arrogant. I — [pauses ] I bought a Porsche.. I dated Vanna White.. [ audience chuckles ] I killed a man. [ audience laughs ] But then I realized what that was — that was just a – just a part of me crying out for acceptance. It was the fifteen-year old, remembering a time when – when girls didn’t want to go out with me, and when I wasn’t that popular. [ sincere pause ] That was a hard time for me. [ audience awwws ] Ah, who am I kidding! There was NEVER a time when girls wouldn’t go out with me! Women – hey, they’ve ALWAYS wanted me! and men have ALWAYS been afraid of me! I was just trying to relate to you people, somehow. [ with quiet sincerity ] You see, I’m, uh – I’m – I’m a little nervous tonight, and I just – I just wanted to get you on my side. [ a beat ] What am I talking about? I’m not nervous! They just told me to say that! I feel GREAT! I look GREAT! [ audience laughs ]

We’ve got a great show! The Smithereens are here! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17





Search Now:

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

George F. Will’s Sports Machine

George F. Will…..Dana Carvey
Mike Schmidt…..Corbin Bernsen
Tommy Lasorda…..Jon Lovitz
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon

Sam Donaldson Voice-over: It’s “George F. Will’s Sports Machine”, the sports trivia show for the real fan. And now, here’s your quizmaster, syndicated columnist, George F. Will.

[ cut to game studio, with an audience of die-hard sports fans cheering, as George F Will enters ]

George F. Will: Good evening. “Sports, say the ancient Greeks, is morally serious because mankind’s noblest aim, is the loving contemplation of worthy things.” That’s an excerpt from my new book on baseball entitled.. [ holds up book ] “Men at Work”, and I’d say it’s particularly a propos in light of today’s Expo-Padre game. [ audience issues a blank, sluggish stare ] Joining me today are two gentlemen who would no doubt agree. First, former slugger for the Philadelphia Phillies, Mike Schmidt. Good day, Mike. Tell us, what do you miss most since retiring from baseball last year?

Mike Schmidt: Well, George, I guess I miss going to the ballparkevery day.

George F. Will: Ah yes, ballparks. In humanity there exists avestigial memory of an enclosed green space as a place of freedom or play.

Mike Schmidt: [ confused ] Yeah. I guess.

George F. Will: Excellent. Competing with Mr. Schmidt today isskillful practitioner of the managerial arts – from the Dodgers, TommyLasorda. Salutations, Tommy.

Tommy Lasorda: [ slaps his stomach ] Good to see you, George. I’m ready to play!

George F. Will: Well, the manager’s role is one of both hector and helper, naysayer and nexus. Around his circumference lies the full measure of the game.

Tommy Lasorda: I.. uh.. well, I’m ready to play!

George F. Will: Very well. Let us engage the sports machine.Gentlemen, as always, the questions will focus exclusively on baseball, the only game that transcends the boundary between fury and repose. All right, hands on buzzers. [ he hits several buttons on the machine, which spits out a quiz card that George reads ] “The precarious balance between infield and outfield suggests a perfect symmetry. For $50, identify the effect of that symmetry.”

[ the contestants stare cluelessly, as the buzzer sounds ]

George F. Will: Sorry. The answer is: “The exhilarating tensionbetween being and becoming.” Being and becoming. Next question: [ hitsseveral buttons, dispensing another card ] “In 1954, Willie Mays, in anemphatic stroke of Byzantine whimsy, made his over-the-shoulder catch off of Vic Wertz. What was it not unlike?” [ no answers ] Take it? Anyone?

Mike Schmidt: The.. uh.. the catch in Cincinnati that.. [ buzzer sounds ]

George F. Will: Sorry. “It was not unlike watching Atlantis rise again from the sea, the bones of its kings new-covered with flesh.” [ audience members stare blankly in awe ] Well, gentlemen, no score as of yet, but the night is young. Perhaps what you gentlemen need is a little incentive, so here to tell you about today’s prizes is our own Sam Donaldson.

Sam Donaldson: Thank you, George. Thank you. Today’s winner willreceive a copy of Roget’s Expanded Thesaurus. [ holds up book, singing ] “Buy me a Roget’s and crackerjacks, I don’t care if I never come back. And they’ll also receive.. [ holds prize up ] ..Chocowhip, chocolate-flavored whip topping. It’s sweet and fluffy. Mmmm, Chocowhip!

George F. Will: Sam, isn’t it somewhat of a given that a whip topping would be sweet and fluffy?

Sam Donaldson: Oh, come off it, George! You can’t see the forest for the trees!

George F. Will: We’ll continue this spirited discussion later. As for now, it’s time we moved on to the Big Board. And the categories are: “Baseball as Narrative”, “Aristotle and Comiskey”, “Joyce Carol Oates”, “Left Field: Myth or Monopeia?”, “Pitch Patch Potch”, “Dulce et Decorum Est”, and “Pot Luck”. Mike, choose a category.

Mike Schmidt: [ contemplating ] Uh.. “Pot Luck”.

George F. Will: Very well. [ $100 card under category is removed, revealing question ] “Like freedom, baseball is that stake where energy and order merge, and all complexity is purified into a simple coherence.” Piffle, or not piffle?

Mike Schmidt: Uh.. piffle.

[ bell sounds ]

George F. Will: That is correct, it’s absolute piffle. It’s baseball’s complexity, not its purity, that instills in us our freedom, and you have $100.

Tommy Lasorda: Hey, wait a minute! What’s this piffle crap? What kind of question is that?

George F. Will: I’m sorry, Tommy, but this is not a forum here for debating the merits..

Tommy Lasorda: Oh, no, no, this isn’t a joke. I’m playing for a bunch of kids in the hospital, you’re making me look like a chump!

Mike Schmidt: I feel kind of stupid too!

George F. Will: Everything in good time, gentlemen. We certainly need to..

Tommy Lasorda: Let me ask you something: you ever playbaseball?

George F. Will: If, by play, you mean drink deep the aura of the game, then..

Tommy Lasorda: No no, I mean play the game.. in the field.. in the field. Here. [takes out a baseball and throws it to George ] Throw this ball.

George F. Will: I’m sorry, Mr. Lasorda, but my duties as quizmaster compel me to move the game along.

Sam Donaldson: Throw the ball, George! Throw the ball.

George F. Will: Shut up, Sam! Now then, next question. Mike, you have control of the board..

Mike Schmidt: Throw the ball! Come on, throw the ball!

Tommy Lasorda: Throw the ball! Throw the ball!

[ audience joins in chants of “Throw the ball!”, as George, confusedly, tries to think of what to do. Overcome by the crowd, he releases the ball weakly, landing only a few feet in front of him. Everyone laughs, and George, embarrassed, breaks into a weak run and leaves the studio. ]

Sam Donaldson: [ pointing ] He’s getting away!

[ Tommy Lasorda and Mike Schmidt chase George, leaving Studio 8H and running into the hallway. They pass actual photos of the “SNL” cast members as they leave. Superimposed title and music plays. ]

Sam Donaldson Voice-over: That’s all for today’s “Sport’s Machine” this week. Good night.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17







Search Now:

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
… Victoria Jackson
Grumpy Old Man … Dana Carvey

Music Intro: Lou Reed’s “Dirty Boulevard”

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tellya?

[Photo of President Bush shaking hands with SovietForeign Minister Edward Shevardnadze who looks up inthe air] A laughing President Bush earlier this weekmet with Soviet Foreign Minister Edward Shevardnadzewho looked skyward as Bush unveiled the newest weaponin our military arsenal, the Stealth Pigeon.

The attentive Shevardnadze came away from the viewingmuch better off than his boss, [Photo of Soviet leaderMikhail Gorbachev displaying the port wine stain birthmark on his forehead – it looks somewhat like he’sbeen spattered by a pigeon dropping] who wasn’t awareof the advent of the new weapon. …[applause]

At next month’s summit meeting between President Bushand President Gorbachev, officials for both sides arenot expecting any concrete agreement on long rangenuclear missiles. In an effort to remain upbeat,though, both sides have agreed that Sean Connery wasthe best James Bond.

[Photo of smiling President Bush gesturing two “thumbsup”] President Bush was pronounced A-OK this week ashe exited a physical at Bethesda Naval Medical Center.Doctors said the President has a clean bill of healthexcept for a minor disease of the hand joints calledSiskel-itis. … There’s a cure for it and it’s calledEbert’s Formula but there’s a dangerous side effect –it makes you really, really fat.

According to the president’s upcoming itinerary, Bushhopes this year to visit Brazil, Argentina, Chile,Uruguay and Venezuela. The trip will take place sometime after the summer. For the record, Vice-PresidentQuayle has already made six trips to Latin Americabut, in an effort to save face with his friends, hekeeps telling them he’s going to L.A.

While delivering a speech in Houston on Wednesday,this fell out of Vice-President Quayle’s head. [Photoof an enormous metal tube]

And … [holding up a poster advertising “Earth Day”]these Earth Day things are all over town, litteringthe streets and makin’ a big mess. … You know, Eastand, uh– [applause]

East and West Germany got together Tuesday afternoonfor a quickie but it didn’t work and they once againagreed to see other countries.

And, in Israel, Shimon Peres, head of the Labor Party,failed to form a new government yesterday when everyIsraeli citizen formed their own separate politicalparty.

Dennis Miller: After a half century of servingthe poor, Mother Teresa announced her retirement thisweek. Here, with a commentary, is our own VictoriaJackson. Welcome, Vicki. [applause]

Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! Thank you!Thank you. [stiffly, as if reading a report in gradeschool] Last Wednesday was a sad day in Calcutta,India as Mother Teresa announced her retirement. Shewon the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 and soon became afavorite on talk shows like Johnny Carson. Her wittyrepartee and smart attire set her apart from otherCatholic nuns. She’s the major influence of my life.Because of Mother Teresa I started tap dancing. Oneday, when I was little, I got sick and I had to go tothe hospital and Mother Teresa came and visited me andshe told me that she promised she would hit a home runfor me that night. As I was listening to the radioannouncement of the game, Mother Teresa hit twohome runs. She went three for four with five RBIs and,at the end of the game, she dug out home plate andgave it to the poor. … Wait. Maybe it was MickeyMantle but I had a really high fever. But my point isthat Mother Teresa and Mickey Mantle werealways there for the people, whether they were playingbaseball or – or giving food and stuff to poor people.Mickey Mantle deserved the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979but instead he gave it to Mother Teresa so he could goout drinking with Whitey Ford. … Because that’s whatkind of a guy Mickey Mantle was.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria Jackson.[applause, Dennis shakes Victoria’s hand] Very good.[turns to audience which is still applauding] And–Thank you.

Yesterday – yesterday was Friday the thirteenth. Sinceour Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have beennine hundred and thirty-five “Friday the thirteenths.”Which is only fourteen less than the number ofFriday the 13th movie sequels.

And, in other film news, remember tomorrow is thepremiere of the new thriller Easter Egg Hunt forRed October. [Image of an Easter egg decorated asa submarine]

And, in Amsterdam, following last week’s tragicvandalism where a thirty-one year old man threwsulfuric acid at Rembrandt’s masterpiece The NightWatch, museum officials are no longer permittingsulfuric acid vendors on museum grounds. The sulfuricacid vendors are filing a class action suit againstthe museum, claiming, “It’s not sulfuric acid thatruins paintings, it’s people that ruinpaintings.”

[Photo of real estate mogul Donald Trump posing nextto an oversized genie’s lamp] Donald Trump posed thisweek for publicity photos as he opened his Trump TajMahal hotel and casino in Atlantic City. On his lovelife front, it was reported that he’s no longer seeingMarla Maples. He is now dating someone named”Jeannie.”

And it was revealed this week that Ivana Trump plansto market a line of her own underwear for women. Aspokesman, asked if Mrs. Trump was qualified, said,”If she’s not, she will be — because she’s gonna beseeing a lot of briefs in the upcoming months.”[mild reaction from crowd] Well. That brought Updateto a screeching halt. [Sound effects of squealingtires and car crash. From beneath the Update desk, anairbag deploys and inflates to protect a startledDennis who is pushed back to the wall behind him.Laughter, cheers and applause. Dennis recovers,straightens his papers.] Gotta see somebody about thatbladder. [to the prop man under the desk] You wannaleave? Wanna leave? Go ‘head. [the prop man emergesfrom beneath the Update desk and exits – Dennis callsafter him:] Now, you blew that up all by yourself,didn’t ya? [pause, then quickly] You might want toleave a phone number. You know, uh …[applause]

You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles setbox office records again this week. The movie broughtin one point five million dollars in L.A., two pointthree million dollars in New York and an astonishingseventeen million dollars in the Galapagos Islands.

And Art Buchwald – Art Buchwald has sued the makers ofthe Turtles this week, saying the concept was stolenfrom an original screenplay he submitted years agoentitled Adolescent Hybrid SamuraiToads.

Dennis Miller: And now here with a commentaryis Grumpy Old Man! Welcome, Grumpy! [applause forGrumpy Old Man, an elderly, bespectacled, gray-hairedman in a sweater]

Grumpy Old Man: I’m oooooold! And I’m nothappy! And I don’t like things now compared to the waythey used to be. All this progress — phooey! In myday, we didn’t have these cash machines thatwould give you money when you needed it. Therewas only one bank in each state — it was open onlyone hour a year. And you’d get in line, seventeenmiles long, and the line became an angry mob of people– fornicators and thieves, mutant children and circusfreaks — and you waited for years and by the time yougot to the teller, you were senile and arthritic andyou couldn’t remember your own name. You were born,got in line, and ya died! And that’s the way it wasand we liked it!

Life was simpler then. There wasn’t all this concernabout hy-giene! It my days, we didn’t haveKleenex. When you turned seventeen, you weregiven the family handkerchief. … It hadn’t beenwashed in generations and it stood on its own …filled with diseases and swarmin’ with flies. … Ifyou tried to blow your nose, you’d get an infectionand your head would swell up and turn green andchildren would burst into tears at the sight o’ ya!And that’s the way it was and we liked it!

Life was a carnival! We entertained ourselves!We didn’t need moooovin’ pitchurrrres. In myday, there was only one show in town — it was called”Stare at the sun!” … That’s right! You’d sit in themiddle of an open field and stare up at the sun tillyour eyeballs burst into flames! And you thought, “Oh,no! Maybe I shouldn’t’ve stared directly into theburning sun with my eyes wide open.” But it was toolate! Your head was on fire and people wereroastin’ chickens over it. … And that’s the way itwas and we liked it!

Progress?! Flobble-de-flee! In my day, when wewere angry and frustrated, we just said,“Flobble-de-flee!” ’cause we were idiots and wedidn’t know what else to say! Just a bunch o’illiterate Cro-Magnons, blowin’ on crustyhandkerchiefs, waitin’ in lines for our head to burstinto flame and that’s the way it was and weliked it!

Dennis Miller: Grumpy Old Man! Thank you,Grumpy! [applause, Dennis tries to shake Grumpy OldMan’s hand but Grumpy Old Man is too ornery to shakeanybody’s hand, dadgummit]

Grumpy Old Man: Flobble-de-flee![exits]

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Grumpy!

You know, Life Magazine’s new Earth Day editioncelebrating our trees printed five million copies andused up thirty-five thousand trees.

And nuclear power plant workers were exposed to moreradiation last year than ever before. In a governmentstudy just released, the radiation dose they receivedwas roughly equivalent to fifty chest X-rays, sixhundred tanning salon visits, twelve thousand days inthe sun or one bottle of Perrier.

[Photo of M & M chocolate candies] And M & M turnedfifty this week and reportedly they are going througha change of life, asking their buyers to now refer tothem as “W & W’s.”

And Zsa Zsa Gabor is bragging about heronce-upon-a-time dates with John Kennedy. According toGabor, “I went out with Mr. Kennedy, the President ofthe United States, and I was his favorite date but henever once asked me to sleep with him.” You know, myrespect for Jack Kennedy grows more and more everyday.

And, due to his wonderful performance in front of thePoindexter Iran-Contra trial jury last month, RonaldReagan who, when answering “I don’t recall” to onehundred and twenty-four out of one hundred and fiftyquestions asked, sometimes appeared to be lobotomized,recently won the lead in the sequel to One FlewOver the Cuckoo’s Nest. [Doctored photo of Reagandressed as McMurphy in the 1975 film version ofCuckoo’s Nest]

And this week marked the fifty-fourth anniversary ofthe abdication of Edward VIII who gave up the throneof England because he fell in love with, and wanted tomarry, Mrs. Simpson, a commoner from America. [Side byside photos of Edward VIII and cartoon character MargeSimpson of TV’s The Simpsons.]

Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am – out -of – here!

[Applause and more of Lou Reed’s “Dirty Boulevard”]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 21st, 1990

Alec Baldwin

The B-52’s

None

Tom Davis

Rob Schneider

David Spade

Conan O’Brien
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) licks his glaucoma drops.

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Handsome actor Alec Baldwin overextends his desire to “charm” the audience with his dashing good looks.

Also Hosted: 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 95k, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 03f, 05h, 06e.

Transcript

GreenhillySummary: Groundskeeper Mr. Cherrywood (Alec Baldwin) delights in kissing everyone at the Greenhilly country club.

Transcript

The Environmentally Conscious One

The Greto Garbo I KnewSummary: James O’Brien (Alec Baldwin) recalls the eccentric nature of Greta Garbo’s (Jan Hooks) desire to be alone.

Transcript

Only in New York

The B-52’s perform “Cosmic Thing”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Kevin Nealon delivers the news from Ten Feet Away. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on Earth Day.

Transcript

The Nude Talk ShowNote: The schedule board in the background lists two shows that were sketches on other episodes of “SNL” – “Dukakis After Dark” and “The Insane Idiot.”

Recurring Characters: Al Goldstein.

The DinerSummary: Sexual tensions run high when a brash waitress (Jan Hooks) takes the order of a drifting cowboy (Alec Baldwin).

Transcript

The B-52’s perform “Channel Z”

Middle-Aged ManRecurring Characters: Middle-Aged Man.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18



Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

President George Bush: Hit there, this is George! Happy Earth Day Eve to ya!

You know, when I ran for this thing here, against that guy in that state over there, back some time ago, I promised to be the environmental president. I also promised to be the education president, and the popular president. Well.. one out of three ain’t bad! [ laughs ] Just a little joke there!

Tomorrow is Earth Day. Environment, a difficult problem – gotta be prudent! [ motions wildly with hands ] Now, I’d love to just take care of the Greenhouse Effect in one fell swoop up here. Not gonna sacrifice jobs down here. Nah gah dah! Wanna do something bold about the rainforest here – gotta breathe, everyone’s gotta breath! Don’t wanna pin Brazil down here – they’re a democracy. Don’t wanna be at cross-purposes – wanna get together! Not out here, right here! A thousand points of light.

You know, you ask one scientist, he’ll tell you the Earth is warming – here’s that scientist, he’ll tell you about that global warming here. You find another expert over here, saying we got an ice age. You got Gorbachev, the architect of glasnost, over here in this area right there. Over there, you got the right-to-lifers. Over here, you got those who would legalize drugs – gotta get ’em together! Don’t wanna be here, here, here, and here, and here, and here! Wanna be here! Bad! Good! Just wanted to recap there.

You know, I know a little something about fossil fuels myself, old oil guy here, been around. I’ve handled a catalytic converter. One thing I can tell you – when it’s hot, don’t touch it! Badly burned! Ouch!

Got that, that glaucoma thing happening, in that area up there, that one eye swelling up a little bit, you know? Using drops. Using THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. Doctor-prescribed! Comes on this little bottle here, put the THC in that bad eye.. [ squeezes the eye drops into his eyes, then laps it up as it drips towards his mouth ] Kinda tasty!

[ feeling high, stammering ] Well, back to Earth Day.. Picture yourself in a boat on a river.. tangerine trees and marmalade skies.. suddenly, there’s someone at turnstiles.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiighhhttt!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18



Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

The Diner

Brenda…..Jan Hooks
Roy…..Kevin Nealon
Earl…..Phil Hartman
Dorothy…..Nora Dunn
Cowboy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on a Southern diner – Brenda the waitress bringing orders to thecounter ]

Brenda: Who got the Chicken Leg Special?

Roy: [ eating from a plate in front of him that’s not his ] Me. I did.

Brenda: Roy, why didn’t you tell me I gave you the wrong order?

Roy: Because, Brenda.. I didn’t have the heart..

Brenda: [ laughs ] Earl? I’m afraid I gave Roy your breakfast!

Earl: [ eating from a plate of him that’s also not his ] Oh, that’s okay.. I’ll eat this one.

Brenda: Oh, but it’s real cold.

Earl: Well, gosh.. I don’t mind!

Brenda: [ laughs ] Honestly, boys! I don’t see how you put up with me!

Earl: Well.. we don’t know how you put up with us! [ Brenda laughs ] All we do is.. come in here and order stuff.

Brenda: You two are the sweetest things! [ pinches Earl’s cheek ] You are! [ walks across to the counter to fellow waitress Dorothy ] I ran into Bobby. He asked about you.

Dorothy: So?

Brenda: You working late tonight?

Dorothy: Who wants to know?

Brenda: Who do you think?

Dorothy: Why should I care?

Brenda: What should I tell him?

Dorothy: How should I know?

Brenda: [ defensive ] I just asked a question!

Dorothy: [ looks toward the door ] Well.. look what just blew through the screen.. [ a tall, rugged cowboy enters the door and suavely takes a seat on the stool across from Roy ]

Brenda: [ angry ] Man! His type just makes me crazy! Shoot! Look at him – sitting on that stool like he’s doing it a favor! Well, you know what? He can sit there forever as far as I’m concerned – I just don’t care! [ thinking ] However.. my job description requires me to go down and find out exactly what he wants. [ approaches the Cowboy ] Can I help you?

Cowboy: [ in control ] You got coffee?

Brenda: [ taps a cup on the counter ] Got a cup?

Cowboy: You think you can fill it?

Brenda: Think you can handle it?

Cowboy: I can handle a menu!

Brenda: [ gives him a menu ] First look is free.

Cowboy: I ain’t paid for looking yet!

Brenda: [ stern ] You’d better watch it, Cowboy!

Cowboy: I’ve been watching it ever since you walked over here.

Brenda: Yeah.. I couldn’t help noticing what you were looking at, too.

Cowboy: I ain’t looking at anything that ain’t showing!

Brenda: You’d better keep your eyes on what you’re watching, instead of what you think ain’t showing! ‘Cause we got rules here, Mister! Rules! I’m gonna be right back..

Cowboy: I’ll be here!

Brenda: Okay.

Cowboy: Alright!

Brenda: Good, then.

Cowboy: Bye!

Brenda: Okay. [ walks back to Dorothy ]

Dorothy: What did he want?

Brenda: What do you think?

Dorothy: Well, what did you say?

Brenda: Well, what do you think I said?

Roy: [ interrupting ] Eh-excuse me – Brenda? Can we get a cup of coffee?

Brenda: Sure! [ comes forward with a potful ]

Earl: Unless.. unless you.. unless you don’t want us to have anymore.. [ blushes ]

Brenda: Ohhh, you boys! you are just the sweetestthings! I mean it, you really are!

Earl: Yes, Ma’am! [ lowers his head ]

Brenda: [ brings coffee to the Cowboy ] Ready to tell me whatyou want?

Cowboy: I made that decision when I was 12!

Brenda: Ready to tell me what you’d like?

Cowboy: I’m ready!

Brenda: You look it!

Cowboy: You got Specials that look real fine.

Brenda: Yeah, I’m pretty proud of ’em.

Cowboy: Are they as good as they look?

Brenda: I ain’t had no complaints.

Cowboy: I’ll take the Wagon Master! [ Brenda turns away, but he pulls her back ] But I like my eggs on top of my toast!

Brenda: I just bet you do. [ walks back to Dorothy ]Order up!

Dorothy: You are skating on thin ice.

Brenda: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dorothy: You are driving on ball tires.

Brenda: Well, I would love to carry on this interesting conversation, but if you will excuse me, I have muffins to stack. [ starts stacking the muffins on the counter in front of Roy and Earl ]

Roy: [ snorts happily ] Gosh, Brenda! You sure do stack them muffins real good!

Brenda: Why, thank you, Roy! It’s an acquired skill!

Earl: [ smiles impishly ] Well, you.. do it real good!

Brenda: [ pinches Earl’s cheek, then returns to the cowboy ] Now.. why don’t you tell me what kind of pie you want with your breakfast special..

Cowboy: I didn’t order pie!

Brenda: It comes with the Special!

Cowboy: It’s not on the menu!

Brenda: What are you trying to say?

Cowboy: What are you trying to do?

Brenda: Are you trying to say that I’m the sort of waitress whowould offer a slice of pie if it wasn’t on the menu?!

Cowboy: All I’m saying is, pie is never free!

Brenda: You want to know what I think? I think you can take that order right out the door! Because appetites like yours, huh, they’re a dime a dozen!

Cowboy: I guess I’ll be going, then!

Brenda: Well, I guess you will!

Cowboy: [ stands up and heads out the door ] You know something, honey? You shouldn’t give your pie away with breakfast! It makes you look cheap! [ exits ]

Brenda: You get out! [ starts crying ]

Dorothy: Now, now.. don’t you cry, honey, he ain’t worth it.

Earl: [ helpful ] Brenda..? I’ll.. eat his pie..

Roy: Me, too!

Brenda: [ smiling ] You are the sweetest things!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10

89j: Ed O’Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Hemphill…..Ed O’Neill

Wayne & Garth:
“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

Garth: Al-right! Par-ty! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Here’s your host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay. Before we bring out our first guest.. uh, Garth.. what dd you get for Christmas?

Garth: [ excited ] I got a GameBoy.

Wayne: Excellent! What else?

Garth: A Bat-Man poster with Kim Basinger – what a ba-a-a-abe!

Wayne: Shyeah! No guff! [ growls ]

Garth: Oh, yeah – and, uh.. you got me the Nintendo Powr Glove. Thanks, Wayne!

Wayne: Hey, it’s mny pleasure, you’re a bud! Schwing!

Garth: Schwing!

[ they both growl excitedly ]

Garth: So what did you get, Wayne?

Wayne: Oh, I got, uh.. $50 and a pair of jeans.

Garth: Ex-cellent!

Wayne: Shyeah, except the jeabs they got me were flairs.

Garth: Flairs? No way!

Wayne: Way! They’re heinous!

Garth: Inde-ee-eed!

Wayne: Okay! Let’s move on to our new feature, okay? It’s called “Viewer Mail”.

“Viewer Mail!!Viewer Mail!!Party time!!Excellent!!”

Okay! Alright, we get letters, right? And, from time to time, we respond. Right? Uh.. and this letter is from, uh.. Kurt, Jane & austin, from here in Aurora. And he writes: “Dear Wayne: What does Garth think about when Wayne is talking?” Gee.. I really don’t know..

[ the camera pans over to Garth, who appears fidgety at the idea of his thoughts being read by Wayne ]

Wayne V/O: “I wish I was Wayne.. I wish I was Wayne.. I wish I wasn’t such a tool..”

Garth: [ mad at the joke played on him ] Oh, very funny, Wayne! You gimp!

Wayne: Good comeback – sphincter boy! Extreme Close-Up! [ the camera zooms in on Wayne ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!!

Garth: [ the camera zooms in on Garth ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!!

Wayne: [ the camera zooms in on Wayne ] Whoa-a-a-a-a!! [ a beat ] Okay! Alright!

Garth: Ex-cellent! Good Close-Up!

Wayne: Alright, let’s bring out our first guest! You all know him, he’s the Driver’s Ed teacher at Aurora High! Please welcome.. Mr. Hemphill!

[ Mr. Hemphill ambles down the stairs to the basement, as Wayne plays him in ]

“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

[ Mr. Hemphill takes his seat next to Garth on the couch, hunched over and menacing a he sits ]

Welcome to “Wayne’s World”, Mr. Hemphill!

Mr. Hemphill: Thanks, Wayne.

Wayne: Uh.. you know Garth, of course.

Garth: [ nervous and scared ] Hi, Mr. Hemphill..!

Mr. Hemphill: Hello, Garth. How’s the parallel parking coming?

Garth: [ uncomfortable ] Good..! Good..!

Mr. Hemphill: Right to go right; left to go let.

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: You know, Mr. Hemphill – having you on the show is kind of like having a king on the show. So.. welcome, Your Heinous!

[ Wayne and Garth try to hide their laughter, but are not very subtle about it ]

Mr. Hemphill: [ confused ] Pardon me?

Wayne: [ laughing ] I-I said.. “Welcome.. Your Heinous!

[ Wayne and Garth laugh out loud ]

Wayne: Okay, sorry..!

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Mr. Hemphill, in your opinion, what is the most important thing a young guy should know when he’s just starting out driving? What should he know?

Mr. Hemphill: Well.. he should know that.. driving is a privilege, not a right. A car is really just a means of getting from A to B – not a sort of phallic symbol. It’s power under control. In the wrong hands, a car is a lethal weapon capable of horrendous damage. In many ways a car is a.. pulverizing death monster, with a glass and steel persona. [ the anxiety in his tone spirals more and more out of control ] A vicious.. unforgiving beast, whose lust for blood is matched only by its love of carnage! A killing machine, worthy of its nickname.. The Widowmaker!

Wayne: Bonus. Anything else?

Mr. Hemphill: Just this: Don’t believe in turning signals! Just assume that all the other drivers on the road are lying!

Wayne: Okay.. thanks..

Mr. Hemphill: [ still raving out of control ] Geez! The two-faced bastards! Caught up in a web of lies so tangled, they’d rather hand their mothers over to the Gestapo than tell the truth! c A sea of liars so untrustworthy, they should be slaughtered, like so much human cattle!

Wayne: Bonus! Well, it’s nice to know you’re operating the second brake! Okay.. uh.. two days ago, Garth and I got caught bringing a can of pop into the Driver’s Ed classroom.. even though there’s a big, humongoid sign saying you’re not supposed to, right? So to make up to Mr. Hemphill – and, to ensure that he doesn’t kill us in our sleep – we’re gonna do a Publi Service Announcement about drinking and driving. Okay, Mr. Hemphill, you gotta stay here, okay?

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Uh.. [ chanting ] “Public Service Announcement! Public Service Announcement! Party time! Excellent!” Okay! [ get started ]

“Don’t Drink & Drive”, by Wayne & Garth. Okay!

[ Wayne and Garth stand behind the couch, Wayne chugging from a prop bottle ]

Wayne: “Oh, wow! Great party! I’m gonna go home now!”

Garth: [ interceding ] “No! Hey, man.. you’re drunk! I’m calling a cab!”

Wayne: [ resisting ] “I’m not drunk! I can drive! I don’t need a cab! Cabs are for sissies!“

Garth: “Shut up! you’re drunk! Shut up, just shut up!“

Wayne: “You shut up! [ climbs on top of the couch, simulating being behind the wheel ] Ka-chunk!” [ starts to “drive” away ]

[ from under the couch, Garth holds up a paper tree, which he moves back and forth to simulate the scenery moving behind Wayne ]

Wayne: [ chugging from the prop bottle ] “Hic! Hic! [ speeds further ] Hey, let’s see what this baby is made of!”

[ Garth moves the paper tree back and forth faster from unde the couch ]

Wayne: “Oh, no! I’m going out of control! [ Garth scatters the movement of the paper tree ] I’m gonna hit that railway ?? [ uses a harmonica to simulate honking his horn ] Oh, no!” [ crashes, lying flat on the back of the couch ]

Garth: “Ka-boom!!“

[ Wayne nods his head, down simulating being passed out on top of the wheel ]Garth: “Oh!!”

[ Garth lifts Wayne’s head, but it falls back on the wheel ]

Garth: “Oh!!”

[ Garth lifts Wayne’s head, but it falls back on the wheel ]

Garth: “Oh!!”

[ they simulate an ambulance arriving to attempt Wayne’s rescue ]

[ using the harmonica, Wayne simulates his heart rate beeping on the heart monitor ]

Garth: “Scalpel..! Sponge..! Oh no, he’s dying! Everybody clear! Ka-chune! [ ] Oh!!”

[ Wayne bounces back to life ]

Garth: “Alright! ] Wayne collapses again ] Ah, he’s dead! He’s dead again!”

Wayne: [ sits up ] “Because of..”

Wayne & Garth: “..drinking and driving!”

[ they stand, miming going down in an elevator behind the couch ]

“Love in an elevator..!”

Wayne: “The end!”

Garth: “The end!”

[ Wayne and Garth return to Mr. Hemphill ]

Wayne: So, Mr. Hemphill.. what did you think?

Mr. Hemphill: I think it’s a shame.

Wayne: A shame?

Mr. Hemphill: Yes. It’s a shame that the drunk driver didn’t suffer a little before he died!

Wayne: Thank you, Your Heinous! Okay! That’s all the time we have for this week! Until then, party on, Garth!

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: [ singing ]
“Wayne’s World!!
Wayne’s Word!!
Party Time!!
Excellent!!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 20th, 1990

Christopher Walken

Bonnie Raitt

None

Tom Davis
The Tonight ShowSummary: Johnny Carson (Dana Carvey) welcomes Mikhail Gorbachev (Phil Hartman) and Andrew Dice Clay (Jon Lovitz) to the show, as Ed McMahon (Phil Hartman) chimes in through a pre-recorded voice module.

Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Mikhail Gorbachev, Andrew Dice Clay.

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Keeping a straight, emotionless face, Christopher Walken insists that he’s excited to be hosting “Saturday Night Live,” then sings “Throwin’ A Ball Tonight” and tap dances to prove it.

Also Hosted: 92d, 95j, 99p, 00t, 02m.

Transcript

Colon BlowNote: Repeat from 11/11/89.

Eternity

Girlfriend Dumping ServiceSummary: To end their relationship, Linda Parker’s (Victoria Jackson) boyfriend sends a professional liaison (Christopher Walken) to do his dirty work for him.

Bonnie Raitt performs “Have a Heart”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Annoying Man.

The ContinentalSummary: The suave yet unsophisticated Continental (Christopher Walken) welcomes a woman to his penthouse apartment.

Note: This recurring sketch is based on a short-lived CBS program that aired Saturday nights during the 1952-53 season, and starred Renzo Cesana as The Continental. Its target audience was lonely women who didn’t have dates for the evening; the combination of the subjective camera angles and the Continental’s charm was designed to make these women believe they were being romanced through their TV sets!

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Transcript

AttitudesSummary: Sports enthusiast Rainbow Head (Christopher Walken) chats with Linda Dano (Nora Dunn) and Dee Kelly (Jan Hooks).

Recurring Characters: Linda Dano, Dee Kelly.

Lease With An Option To KillSummary: Bitter with defeat, Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) supervises the construction of his new top-secret headquarters, which will be the end of agent James Bond (Phil Hartman) once it’s complete. Too bad the smirking Bond has been captured ahead of schedule, and isn’t the least bit impressed by Zorin’s plans.

Recurring Characters: James Bond.

Bonnie Raitt performs “Thing Called Love”

Hardbound

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 11

89k: Christopher Walken / Bonnie Raitt

The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell. The Continental opens the door quietly and grins ]

The Continental: Ah! [ smirks ] You.. were a minute late. And I thought, perhaps, you were just a dream. [ pulls her gloved hand forward and kisses it ] But, no.. you are real. Please. Enter.

[ she cautiously enters the apartment and looks around ]

Broken glass. [ removes cigarette and holder from his mouth ] Champagna? [ she nods ] Please. Be seated. We shall drink from the same glass. Please. [ he sits next to her ] I have but three passions in life. One of which.. is fine champagna.. which leaves two other passions. [ he hands her the champagna and smiles menacingly, so she rejects the offer ] I see you are shy.. which makes you even more intoxicating. [ she gets up to leave, but he blocks her path ] No! Please. Forgive me. Stay.. and allow me to show you that I.. am not like the others. Yes. I know. You have many admirers.. and I am but one.

[ sits next to her again ]

Cigarette? [ purses his lips, then lights two cigarettes in his mouth at once, and hands her one ] Ah, cigarettes. Delicious.. and dangerous. We know they are no good for us.. but we give in.. for the sensual pleasure of the moment. [ she gets up to leave, but he blocks her path again ] No, no! Don’t go! Pay no attention to the idling ramblings of man afflicted with.. dare I say.. no, I dare not. My little wide-eyed, white-tailed doe. [ extends his hand ] Come.. with me. I want to show you something. [ leads her over to his balcony ] Whoops! Watch that step! Look out there.. the twinkling lights twinkling.. in the inky black of night.. like some colossal backdrop.. painted by the hands of Michelangelo. [ walks down the hal and points to a door ] Would you like to see.. the bedroom?

[ she quickly turns around and heads for the door, but he jumps ahead of her in time to block the door ]

No, no, please. Go, if you must go.. but allow me to send for a car.. to take you where you will, or.. to him. [ she lowers her head ] I see that you blush. We will talk of other things. I spoke before of my three great passions. One.. the fine champagna. Another.. the art.. of massage. Yes! I am a fully-trained and licensed masseur. You see my diploma.. from the University of Beijing. I see you are skeptical.. but please.. let me demonstrate for you the powers that can be released by the human hand! Trust me! You needn’t remove your things. You need only lie on your stomach.. here.. on the couch. [ she looks over at it ] Trust me! I am a professional!

[ she lies down on the couch, as he begins to massage her from off-camera ]

Ohhhh.. your muscles are very tight! Fear.. in your shoulders and neck zone. You are at war with yourself, my dear. You must learn to let go! [ he drops to the floor, looking up ather as she lies on the couch ] How’s that! Doesn’t that feel good! [ he gets up and massages some more ] It extends from the base of the skull.. down the spine, all the way down.. here.. to the tip of the.. [ he reaches her private area, so she quickly rises and runs to open the door ] But.. I haven’t called for your car yet! My little sparrow.. must you fly so soon? [ sighs ] Very well. You have made oyur decision.. and you must go.. but please.. just stand here.. as you are for just a moment. Your hair flowing.. your chest.. heaving. Your eyes ablaze.. about to disappear.. like some..

[ too late, she’s already out the door and down the hall ]

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts