SNL Transcripts: Rob Lowe: 03/17/90: President Bush Doesn’t Gloat / Rob Lowe Worries

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 15

Search Now: In Association with

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

President Bush Doesn’t Gloat / Rob Lowe Worries

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
…..Rob Lowe
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson

[ open to President George Bush delivering a message to the nation from the Oval Office ]

George Bush: Good evening. You know, a few months ago, we allwitnessed the Revolution of ’89. The fall of that Berlin Wall doing that falling thing over there. Democracy across Eastern Europe. Now, there were those at that juncture who said, “We won the Cold War – time to gloat!” But I said no. Gloating wouldn’t be prudent. Not gonna gloat. Naahh.. gaahh.. gloat. Just look at the dividends “not gloating” has paid: the Soviet Free Market System, adopted; Nicaragua, Mr. Ortega, gone! Gone! Replaced by Mrs. Chemoro, wife of slain national hero down there – widow woman, not unattractive. Available. Lithuania, independent over there. All because I didn’t gloat! Could gloat now. Easily justified: 80% approval rating. It’s good! Most popular person ever.

[ cut to Rob Lowe’s dressing room ]

Lorne Michaels: Rob, you wanted to see me?

Rob Lowe: Lorne, I’m sorry, I know it’s the last minute, but I’ve just got this weird, scary feeling.

Lorne Michaels: What about?

Rob Lowe: Well, you know, this is the first time I’ve been in front of an audience since.. you know.. the thing.

Lorne Michaels: What thing?

Rob Lowe: Well.. you know.. the tape thing, you know.. and.. what if I go out there, and the people resent me?

Lorne Michaels: Because of the tape? Will they even remember it?

Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah, you know.. I think they might..

[ Kevin Nealon and Victoria Jackson enter ]

Kevin Nealon: You busy?

Lorne Michaels: No. Kevin, Vic.. come in. Rob’s a little concerned that the audience might be thinking about that tape incident in Atlanta.

Kevin Nealon: Really?

Rob Lowe: Yeah. Maybe they’ll think I’m some sort of, I don’t know.. sleaze.. or a low-life.

Kevin Nealon: Wait a minute. You’re worried that Mr. Joe Average American is thinking about that? I promise you, if they ever heard of the tape, they’ve forgotten about it a long time ago. Nobody cares.

Rob Lowe: Really? You really think so?

Kevin Nealon: People are watching the show tonight wondering what we’re going to do with “St. Elmo’s Fire” or “Oxford Blues”. They’re not tuning in to see us commenting on your personal sex life. That’s none of their business, and they know it.

Lorne Michaels: I think he’s right, Rob. Vic, you’ve been pretty quiet. What do you think? Is the tape thing a problem?

Victoria Jackson: I think the tape helps you.. I mean, ifenough people know about it.

Rob Lowe: Wait a minute.. so, if I go out there, that audience isn’t going to treat me like I’m some kind of jerk?

Lorne Michaels: Why should they? You’re Rob Lowe.

Rob Lowe: [ confident ] You’re right! You know what? I feela little foolish even worrying. In fact.. I’m psyched!

[ cut back to George Bush addressing the nation ]

George Bush: So, to sum up: gloating: too soon, maybe later; Mrs. Chemoro: available; Dan Quayle: gaining acceptance at a faster rate; Ortega: gone, but still, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rob Lowe: 03/17/90: Church Chat

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 15

Search Now: In Association with

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

Church Chat

Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
…..Rob Lowe

Announcer: And now, it’s time for “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.

Church Lady: Hello. I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, well, well.. Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you all. St. Patrick’s Day, what does it mean? A harmless Irish tradition? Or a chance for people to fornicate like drunken little Beastmasters? But we don’t have time to talk about that delicious subject, because we have a very special guest. For almost two years, this young man has been a knot in my corset and a hair in my Cream of Wheat. So, will you please welcome Rob Lowe.

[ Rob Lowe steps onto the set and smugly sits down on the couch ]

Well. Rob Lowe, in the flesh. I could reach out and touch you, but I’m not going to do that. Well, welcome to the show, Rob.

Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady. It’s good to be here.

Church Lady: I guess it is. Just settle down, dear. Just relax. We have lots to talk about. Now, we talked before the show, Rob and I, just so you know.. and his attorneys were present, and we all agreed that we would avoid discussing certain sensitive subjects, and stick only to a list of approved topics. Isn’t that right, Robbie?

Rob Lowe: That’s right, Church Lady. You know, I really appreciate it.

Church Lady: That’s quite alright. After all, you are my little guest. My very special guest. [ holds up list of approved subjects ] Now, let’s see.. you have a new movie out. What is the name of it?

Rob Lowe: “Bad Influence”.

Church Lady: What a lovely little title!

Rob Lowe: Well, you know.. I’m happy with it. It’s gotten some very good reviews. I play a villain, which is a stretch different for me, and the critics seemed to like it.

Church Lady: [ contemplating ] Let’s see.. so the critics thought you were believable in the role of an evil, bad demonic villain from Hell. How wonderful for you, dear.

Rob Lowe: Well.. it was a different role for me.

Church Lady: I’m sure it was quite a stre-e-etch! Very, very different. Just unlike anything.. Okay, now I rented a few of your films this week, just to familiarize myself with your.. body of work.. oh! Excuse me! I mean career.. oops! I said “rear.” I’m sorry. I’m just having trouble sticking to our little agreement! Well, anyway.. I was watching “Hotel New Hampshire”, and I noticed that you frequently expose your TNP. [ SUPER: “Tingly Naughty Parts” ]

Rob Lowe: [ confused ] My TNP? What are you talking about?

Church Lady: Oh, come on, Rob. We agreed that we wouldn’t use those words. I’m just pointing out that quite often your fans, in your films, see your young firm, lily-white B&B. [ SUPER: “Bulbous Buttocks” ] There it is, big and large, throbbing U&D, U&D.. [ SUPER: “Up and Down” ] ..T&R, T&R.. [ SUPER: “Thrusting and Releasing” ] Well.. I’m glad that we had a chance to talk about your movie. So, what else did we agree to talk about.. let’s see.. favorite foods? Pets? Acrylic blends vs. cotton – which do you prefer, Rob?

Rob Lowe: Oh, cotton. Definitely.

Church Lady: It breathes, doesn’t it? It just breathes, yes. Well, that covers our list of agreed topics. I’ve kept my end of the bargain, are you ready to keep yours?

Rob Lowe: Yes. Yes, I am.

Church Lady: Alrighty.. [ pulls a paddle out of her desk ] Well, well, well.. this is a wonderful piece of equipment. It’s Honduran mahagony, Robbie. Take a little touch there.. [ Rob feels it ] Oh, isn’t that nice? [ gets up and paces in front of Rob ] It was crafted in Spain by an old man with one tooth in his head. He was a charming fellow. Helen couldn’t believe the price I got. Are you ready to assume your position, Robbie?

Rob Lowe: [ confident ] Yes, Church Lady, I am. [ gets up and bends over in front of the Church Lady ]

Church Lady: Alrighty. I just need to warm up a little bit. [ swings the paddle back and forth for adjustment ] And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. And 1, and 2, and 3 and 4. Alright, I feel good now. Here we go, Robbie. [ swings paddle and smacks Rob in the butt ]

Rob Lowe: Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another! [ Church Lady smacks him again ] Thank you, Church Lady! May I have another!

Church Lady: [ bends down and yells into Rob’s butt ] Don’t you ever, ever, ever do that again! Get out of his buttocks, Satan! Leave his buttocks! Leave his buttocks, Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! Satan! [ continues to repeatedly smack Rob’s butt until she grows weary and flops upon the couch ] Ohhh.. I have waited so long for that.. so many sleepless nights.. You feel better, Robbie?

Rob Lowe: Oh, yeah. [ leans against the leg of the couch ]

Church Lady: I know I do. Oh, goodness. Now in celebration of your new lease, you may do the Superior Dance with me. Hit it, Pearl!

[ Church Lady and Rob Lowe stand up and do the Superior Dance for the audience ]

Announcer: This has been “Church Chat”, with the Church Lady.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Rob Lowe: 03/17/90: Rob Lowe’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 15

Search Now: In Association with

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

Rob Lowe’s Monologue

…..Rob Lowe
…..Jon Lovitz

[ Rob receives no applause as he steps onto Home Base to deliver his monologue ]

Rob Lowe: Thank you. Thank you. [ uneasy ] Thank you. [ sudden enthusiasm ] It’s great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”!

Voice in Audience: [ angry ] You’ve got a lot of nerve! I have a daughter!
Rob Lowe: [ confident ] No! Actually, I’m glad that this has come up, I – the incident, to which the gentleman is referring, is an unfortunate situation, and.. I regret it, it’s been, uh.. it’s been very difficult for me. But I’ve learned something. That, through, with experiences like this, you can really find the value and the loyalty of your friends. And.. I found out that I do have a lot of friends —

Voice in Audience: We’re not your friends!

Second Voice in Audience: I’ve got a daughter!

Rob Lowe: Well.. Uh.. we’ve got a great show tonight! Our musical guest, all the way from Ireland – we’ve got the Pogues! [ audience is silent ] Aw, come on.. don’t hold it against themthey didn’t do anything! I mean, they don’t even know me! [ silence ] Aw, come on! It’s Saint Patrick’s Day! [ silence ] Well.. anyway.. we’ll be right back..

Jon Lovitz: [ steps up to help ] Rob.

Rob Lowe: Jon.

Jon Lovitz: Rob, why don’t you just go change for the next sketch? I’ll handle this.

Rob Lowe: Alright. I guess you’re right.. [ glumly walks away ]

Jon Lovitz: [ to audience, excited ] Okay! The Pogues are here! [ audience cheers ] We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Debra Winger: 03/24/90

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 16

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 24th, 1990

Debra Winger

Eric Clapton


Tom Davis
Reagan & The CensusSummary: Former President Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) is unable to answer the not-so-difficult questions posed by the Census taker (Victoria Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.


Debra Winger’s MonologueSummary: Debra Winger explains the series of coincidences that led to her being asked to host tonight’s pre-Academy Awards episode.


Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Nancy.

Urban TooncesSummary: Toonces the Driving Cat boosts attendance at Bud (Dana Carvey) and Cissy’s (Debra Winger) bar by riding the mechanical bull.

Recurring Characters: Toonces the Cat.

Eric Clapton performs “No Alibis”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Subliminal Man.

The Adventures Of Calamity Jane

Eric Clapton performs “Pretending”

Jon Lovitz’s Romantic Scene

Senate Record Labelling HearingsRecurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

Eric Clapton performs “Wonderful Tonight”


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Debra Winger: 03/24/90: Debra Winger’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 16

Search Now: In Association with

89p: Debra Winger / Eric Clapton

Debra Winger’s Monologue

…..Debra Winger

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Debra Winger!

Debra Winger: Thank you very much! If you had told me a week and a half ago that I’d be standing on this stage tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I would have said, “Why would I?” But.. as I look back on the amazing coincendences that brought me here, I can see that it was really quite inevitable.

As you all know, Monday night is Oscar night, so of course they wanted someone to host the show who had won an Oscar. Failing that, they wanted someone who had been nominated this year. Failing that, they wanted someone who had been nominated in the last ten years, and would be available.. meaning, someone who had not been invited to participate in the Oscar ceremony itself, either as a presenter or an invited guest. Evidently, only one person fit all these qualifications.. me.. so..

Plus, I was in New York anyway, having no reason to be in L.A. at this time of year. And I was available, having no projects lined up at any time soon. And here’s where the coincedences come in: I’m sitting in a restaurant last Fridy night, and who’s at the table next to me but a group of people from “Saturday Night Live”, talking about how they haven’t got a host for their Oscar show yet. So, if you put it all together – nominated for an Oscar in the last ten years, not invited to the ceremony, in New York, available, no projects, in the right restaurant at the right time.. well.. you can understand why I feel so special tonight. So don’t tell Debra Winger she wasn’t meant to host “Saturday Night Live” tonight.

Anyway.. Eric Clapton is here. See, he was in town, on tour, and he’s got an album coming out. So we’ve got a great show, we’ll be right back, this is the end of the monologue.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Debra Winger: 03/24/90: Urban Toonces

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 16

Search Now: In Association with

89p: Debra Winger / Eric Clapton

Urban Toonces

Cissy…..Debra Winger
Bud…..Dana Carvey
Bar Patron…..Tom Davis

[ open on Houston, Texas ] [ fade to interior, Buck ‘N Brew bar ]

Cissy: Hey, Bud, I got an idea!

Bud: Oh, no.. that’s all we need, another one of your ideas, Cissy! I mean, it was your idea to buy this place, here.

Cissy: I know, Bud, but we did pretty good for a couple of months.

Bud: Yeah, but that was, like, you know, ten years ago, you know? What have we got to show for it right now?

Cissy: Well.. you can ride the bull on the fastest speed without any hands blindfolded.. I mean, come on, that’s something.

Bud: I know, but so what, you know? We need some customers here!

Cissy: Well, now that was what I was thinking about. I was thinking, instead of riding the bull, people could use it as some sort of aerobics device, like a StairMaster, or a Nautilus, like a Robo-Bull. What do you think? We could advertise it as a place where you could come and work out and get drunk, or vice-versa, whichever works out.

Bud: I don’t know!

Cissy: Well.. okay, well, don’t look now, but you got yourself a customer.

[ points to Toonces the Driving Cat, sitting at the bar with a little cowboy hat on his little furry head ]

“Toonces, the Driving Cat
The cat who can drive a car.
He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces, the Driving Cat.”

Announcer: “Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car”. Tonight’s episode: “Urban Toonces”.

Bud: Alright, so what are you having, sir?

[ Toonces licks his paw ]

Cissy: I think that means Tequila.

Bud: Alright, one Tequila coming up.. hey, wait a second here.. I mean, how old are you? You got an I.D., or something..? [ Toonces hands over his I.D., which is suspended ] Alright, let’s see.. Toonces.. height: 12″.. weight: 10 lbs.. hair: tabby. Okay.. birthdate: 2/25/86. Hey. That means he’s only four years old, can I give him a Tequila, here?

Cissy: Well, yeah.. I think in cat years, that’s like 28.. he’s okay. You’re okay!

[ Toonces pours salt on his wrist, swigs Tequila, and bites the lime, nearly gagging himself ]

Bud: Something tells me he’s done that before!

Cissy: You know, you’d better check to see if he has real money, he might try to pay us in dead birds or something..

Bud: Hey, where’d he go?

Cissy: [ looks over ] Oh, no, look! He’s starting to ride the bull! [ shows Toonces bucking on the mechanical bull ] Hey, you know, that pussy can ride!

Bud: Yeah!

Bar Patron: [ enters ] Uh.. yeah.. I-I-I heard you got a bull-riding cat?

Cissy: That’s right!

Bar Patron: Well, give me a beer, I’ve gotta see this!

[ suddenly, a crowd fals into the bar, all come to watch Toonces ride the mechanical bull – beers are quickly served to everyone ] [ cut to “Later That Night..”, as Toonces drives Bud and Cissy home for the evening ]

Cissy: Do you think we should really let him drive, after drinking that shooter and everything?

Bud: Oh, that was, like, hours ago. Besides, he had a big plates of tacos, and stuff.

Cissy: Yeah. I guess you’re right. [ suddenly panics ] Toonces! Look out!

[ they scream, as Toonces drives over the cliff and crashes ]

“He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces, the Driving Cat.”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Corbin Bernsen: 04/14/90

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 17

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


April 14th, 1990

Corbin Bernsen

The Smithereens


Tom Davis

Tom Schiller

Cheryl Hardwick

Andy Murphy
Cable Shopping NetworkSummary: After being fired from CBS, Brent Musburger (Kevin Nealon) and Jimmy the Greek (Phil Hartman) take jobs hawking cheap merchandise on the Cable Shopping Network.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder, Brent Musburger.



Corbin Bernsen’s MonologueTranscript

TV LawyersRecurring Characters: Susan Dey, Raymond Burr.


The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved EasterRecurring Characters: Hanukkah Harry.


The Smithereens perform “A Girl Like You”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Grumpy Old Man.


George F. Will’s Sports MachineRecurring Characters: George F. Will.


Conceited Guy

Movers And Shakers

The Smithereens perform “Blue Before & After”

Playgirl Models


SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Corbin Bernsen: 04/14/90: Cable Shopping Network

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Cable Shopping Network

Brent Musburger…..Kevin Nealon
Jimmy the Greek…..Phil Hartman
Mavis Babcock (on phone)…..Jan Hooks

[ open on tight shot of product image, “King of the Hobos”, genuine Capodimonte statuette, retail value $279.95, on CSN ]

Brent Musburger V/O: You are looking LIIIVE.. at the “King of the Hobos!” this beautiful Capodimonte statuette retails at $279, but if you call in the next five minutes it could be yours for $42.95! That’s one heck of a bargain, and it’s comin’ your way on CSN!

[ dissolve to two-shot of Jimmy the Greek and Brent Musburger seated behind desk in the Cable Shopping Network studio ]

Announcer: It’s the Cable Shopping Network. With your host – Brent Musburger.

Brent Musburger: [ pulling his eyelids downward ] Hello, everybody, I’m Brent Musburger! And welcome, once again, to the Cable Shopping Network! Alright, we’ve got quite a line-up of merchandise to tell you about, but first – with me, as always, is Jimmy the Greek! Jimmy, what a week it’s been right here on C, uhhh — [ still wants to say “CBS” ] C-S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: [ smiling ] You said it, Brent! Talk about your surprises! We don’t sell a SINGLE beaded sweater, but the entire collection of STRING ART goes in two minutes!

Brent Musburger: Alright, Jimmy, let’s set the stage up for tonight. What have we got coming up, here on C-B — [ pauses ] S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: Well, Brent, in the next hour we’ve got one of my favorites — a set of collector’s plates commemorating “The King And I!” [ reveal plate featuring image of Deborah Kerr surrounded by children ]

Brent Musburger: Alright. Any particular plate in the series to watch out for?

Jimmy the Greek: Brent! Keep your eye on.. “Shall We Dance?”

Brent Musburger: Alright! That’s coming up later, on C-S — [ stumbles ] N. But, right now, let’s get back to that beautiful Capodimonte “King of the Hobos!” [ reveal statuette spinning in a circular motion ] Alright! No calls yet! Less than a minute! Eh, we’re runnin’ out of time! [ phone rings ] Alright! We’ve got a call! [ product image wipes to the upper left corner of the screen as Brent takes the call ]

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Hello, Brent?

Brent Musburger: Yeah!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: This is Mavis Babcock, from Shreveport, Louisiana —

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIGHT!! Doin’ a little Home Shoppin’, Loozy-anna style!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well, Brent.. I’m just calling to say that you are a class act. And the way that CBS treated you was a disgrace.

Brent Musburger: Well, I appreciate that, Mavis. But I don’t want to dwell on the past. i’m no longer at CBS, I’m totally committed to C-S-N!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well.. you – you just did not deserve that kind of treatment.

Brent Musburger: Well, thank you, that’s very kind. [ a beat ] Now, Mavis – how about that Capodimonte “King of the Hobos”?

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Huh? Huh? Well.. I-I don’t know.

Brent Musburger: Uh, Mavis, hold on – I think Jimmy’s got something to say to you!

[ Jimmy picks up on the other line ]

Jimmy the Greek: Mavis, I gotta tell you – this is genuine Capodimonte! Now, some previous issues have decreased its value as much as three-hundred per cent!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well.. [ thinking ] I really only called just to — oh, how much is it?

Jimmy the Greek: Well, for the next twenty seconds, it’s only $42.95!

Brent Musburger: Come on, Mavis! We’re dyin’ out here, on.. C-S-N!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: [ considers the offer ] Well.. okay, Brent. Out of respect for you, I’ll buy it.

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIGHT!! [ hangs up phone ] We’re gonna give you a couple of HONKS for that one! [ honks a toy horn ] CAJUN STYYYYLE! Alright! Let’s take a look at what we’ve got comin’ up in the next hour, on C-S-N! [ show product: Man’s “Gold Nugget” Pinky Ring ] A set of gold nugget pinky rings, with a setting of crushed faux diamonds and sea pearls!

Jimmy the Greek: Now, Brent, these rings are cut extra wide, and that’s great if you have pudgy fingers, like mine!

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIGHT!! And it’ll be comin’ your way, right here, right now, on C-B — C-S — C-S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: You know something, Brent? These are gonna be BIG with your black shoppers! and I’ll tell you what —

Brent Musburger: [ cautiously ] No, no! That’s alright, Jimmy —

Jimmy the Greek: No, no! Now, see — your BLACK shopper goes for your FLASHIER things! Now, if it’s SHINY or POINTY or has any FUR dripping off —

Brent Musburger: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy —

[ cut to bouncy music over blue screen, SUPER: “Please Stand By” ] [ cut back to CSN, Brent now sitting along at the desk ]

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIIGHT!! We’re gonna take a ltitle break right now, but, folks, don’t turn that channel, because we’re comin’ right back, right here, right now — [ pulls his eyelids downward again ] “Liiiive, from New York, it’s Saturday Niight!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Corbin Bernsen: 04/14/90: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens


…..Corbin Bernsen

Corbin Bernsen: We had a great time, huh! Hey, how ’bout The Smithereens! Yeah! [ claps ] What a week!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Corbin Bernsen: 04/14/90: The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter

Ira…..Tom Schiller
Hanukkah Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Easter Bunny…..Corbin Bernsen
Elijah…..Al Franken
Otis…..Mike Myers
Roweena…..Jan Hooks
Mr. Toole…..Phil Hartman

[Sketch opens with the Rifkin family in the middle of a Passover seder]

Rifkin Family: …borei pri hagafen.

Ira: And now we drink the third cup of wine, aleph asher kidivitsnu.

[All raise their cups of wine and drink]

Ira: And now, as is family tradition, Uncle Hanukkah Harry will tell us about the prophet Elijah.

[Hanukkah Harry stands up]

Hanukkah Harry: Please, please stop, you’re embarrassing me! Now, as you all know, I love Passover. It’s no Hanukkah, but that’s nine months away. So I have plenty of time to relax, fly down here to Miami, visit my sister Cheryl, my nephew Ira, this beautiful family. And now, Elijah. As you know, it is custom to set aside a goblet of wine for the invisible prophet Elijah who visits every Jewish home who welcomes him. Now it is at this point in the seder when we open the front door for Elijah.

[Hanukkah Harry opens the door, revealing the Easter Bunny wearing crutches]

Hanukkah Harry: Oy gevalt!

Easter Bunny: Hi, I’m looking for Hanukkah Harry.

[Fade into opening credits:] [Hallmark in Association with the Jewish Anti-Defamation League presents:] [The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter] [As the theme song is sung, we see Harry dressed in a gray suit flying through the air on a rickety cart pulled by 3 donkeys with blue blankets bearing their names.] Song: “On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Says Hanukkah Harry eight nights a year! On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Means that Hanukkah Harry is here! Delivering toys for Jewish girls and Jewish boys We dance the hora around the menorah When Hanukkah Harry is Here!”

[Cut to Easter Bunny at the Rifkins’ seder table]

Hanukkah Harry: Easter Bunny, come here! Have another potato pancake.

Easter Bunny: No, thank you, thank you.

Hanukkah Harry: Have a—

Easter Bunny: No, I can’t eat another thing. It’s delicious, thank you, Mrs. Rifkin.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, anyway, about your leg, you were saying…

Easter Bunny: Yeah, I was in the woods and uh, I stepped into this steel trap left by one of these furrier jerks, and uh, my goodness, a forest ranger was there and he recognized me just as I was about to chew off my left leg.

Hanukkah Harry: You’re not able to deliver the Easter baskets to all the Gentile boys and girls?

Easter Bunny: No, that’s where I was hoping you would come in.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, I’m sorry, Easter Bunny, I only have that holiday eight nights a year. But you know, there is one man who has that power…

Ira: Uncle Hanukkah Harry!

Hanukkah Harry: …during Passover!

Ira: Uncle Harry, you don’t mean Elijah?

Easter Bunny: Elijah?

Hanukkah Harry: Yeah! In fact, when I was going to open the door for you before, I was opening it to let in Elijah.

[Focus on the wine glass, which magically empties as if an invisible being is drinking it]

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, it’s you!

[A disembodied chair approaches the table]

Elijah [voice] You were expecting maybe Charlton Heston?

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, I was wondering if you could do a little favor?

Elijah: Yes, Harry, I know, I heard. But tell me, why should I help the goyim?

Hanukkah Harry: Ach!

Easter Bunny: Please, Elijah, this is for all the little Christian boys and girls.

Rifkin Family: Please, Elijah!

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, remember that Jesus was a Jew.

Easter Bunny: I didn’t know that.

Hanukkah Harry: Yes, yes He was. In fact, His Last Supper was a seder not unlike this one, except they didn’t have the appliances. Jesus was a great teacher, not unlike yourself, Elijah.

Elijah: But He was not the Son of God.

Easter Bunny: Oh yes, He was.

Hanukkah Harry: Easter Bunny, please, you’re not helping. All I’m saying is that Jesus was a great rabbi, which is just one letter from the great rabbit, which is what we have here.

Elijah: Well, all right.

Rifkin Family: Hooray!

[We see Hanukkah Harry once again flying through the air on his cart, this time accompanied by a coat worn by the invisible Elijah, as a parody of “Hava Nagila” is sung] [Harry and Elijah, Harry and Elijah, Harry and Elijah saving Easter] [Focus on two teenage hillbillies in a decrepit rural shack]

Otis: [drinking a bottle of Coca-Cola] You think the Easter Bunny’s gonna send us some Easter eggs, Rowena?

Rowena: There ain’t no Easter Bunny, Otis. That was Mama that always brang them Easter baskets, but now that she’s run off with that truck driver, we ain’t ever gonna have Easter again.

[Mr. Toole, Otis and Rowena’s father walks in, wearing only a pair of overalls and a backwards baseball cap and holding a beer]

Mr. Toole: What’re you kids doing up? Otis! You ain’t supposed to drink no Coke at night! That’s your breakfast!

Otis: Sorry, Papa. [sets the beverage on a nightstand]

Mr. Toole: Now, shut up and go to sleep! [shuts door] [Otis and Rowena quickly fall asleep. Hanukkah Harry clumsily stumbles in through the window.]

Hanukkah Harry: Oy!

Elijah: Gott im Himmel. People live like this?

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, shush!

[The teens wake up]

Otis: Who are you?

Hanukkah Harry: Oh, hello, boys and girls, I’m Hanukkah Harry! I’m sort of filling in for the Easter Bunny, along with my good friend here, the prophet Elijah. [points at his invisible companion]

Otis: Who?

Hanukkah Harry: He, well, uh, never mind.

[Focus on the Coke bottle, which magically empties as Elijah sips it]

Otis: You brought us an Easter basket! [He and Rowena approach Hanukkah Harry]

Hanukkah Harry: Yes, yes. Look what I have for you, delicious treats. Some macaroons [hands them to the kids, who look at each other in disappointment] and some chocolate colored matzah [kids frowningly shrug] and look, a nut cup with filberts. Can you believe it?

[Mr. Toole opens the door again]

Mr. Toole: I thought I told you kids to shut…what the hell?

Rowena: [embraces Mr. Toole] Daddy, Daddy, this is Hanukkah Harry, he’s helping us celebrate Easter.

Mr. Toole: Shut up, Rowena. I got eyes. I can see what we got here [takes a shotgun off his gun rack and points it at Hanukkah Harry], we got us a Jew boy breaking and entering!

Hanukkah Harry: [holds up his arms] Please, Mr. Toole, allow me to explain. You see, I was at my nephew’s seder, Ira, and uh…

Mr. Toole: Shut your trap…

Hanukkah Harry: No, hold on…

Mr. Toole: If I was you, I’d get down on my hands and knees and pray to your Jew God, ‘cuz I’m gonna plug you so full of holes… [suddenly trips as his gun is taken away by the invisible Elijah] Huh? [Elijah hits Mr. Toole multiple times, knocking him out]

Otis: Gee whiz!

Rowena: How’d you do that, Hanukkah Harry?

Hanukkah Harry: Well, uh, let’s just say the Israeli military is getting very sophisticated.

Otis: Wait, Papa’s coming to!

Hanukkah Harry: Are you okay, Mr. Toole?

Mr. Toole: Yeah, I’ll be okay. Maybe being whupped by a Jew is the best thing ever happened to me. Makes me challenge a lot of my preconceptions, rethink my entire value system. Maybe Jews are just like everyone else, and maybe that Jew social worker from the county’s right, maybe I should stop whuppin’ my kids, get us into some family therapy, so’s I don’t lose the one thing I love in life, my kids. [bursts into tears]

Kids: We love you, Papa!

Mr. Toole: Thank you, Hanukkah Harry, thanks for the greatest Easter gift of all, the gift of rebirth.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, don’t thank me, thank Elijah.

[Mr. Toole’s beer floats in the air]

Mr. Toole: My beer! [Elijah takes a sip and sets it next to the gun rack] [Everyone laughs] [Fade out to see the globe with both Harry’s cart and a second disembodied cart in flight]

Hanukkah Harry: On Moishe! On Herschel! On Shlomo! Happy Passover everyone, and happy Easter!

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

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