1990 Archives - Page 12 of 13 - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Susan Lucci’s Monologue

Susan Lucci’s Monologue

…..Susan Lucci
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Jan Hooks
…..David Spade
…..Mike Myers

Susan Lucci: That is so nice, thank you so much! Thank you! [ laughs ] Ah, “Saturday Night Live” – here I am hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I cannot think of a bigger thrill in my life.. except, maybe, that Emmy? Most of you may know me from the character I play on “All My Children” – Erica Kane. I have to tell you, though, I’m really nothing like that character, like that schemeing, self-centered Erica Kane. For one thing, Erica’s been married eight times; I’ve only been married once, to the same sweet, wonderful man for sixteen years now – I have had countless affairs.. but I always come back to the same sweet, wonderful man! He’s the father of.. one of my two children.

I just said all that for a laugh. That’s why I wanted to do this show. I wanted to work in front of a live audience, and hear you laugh. We once tried a live audience at “All My Children”, but they just didn’t laugh. Oh, you’d hear an occasional cough. Mainly people would just yell out things, like, “Don’t marry her! You’re just a pawn in her game!” “Uh-oh! He’s coming to walk in on you now, put your clothes back on!” So we got rid of the audience.

But, anyway, here I am doing this show! Everybody has been so terrific to work with this week, it’s been a great week. Except for one minor incident..

[ camera breaks into a flashback sequence ]

Susan Lucci V/O: ..it really was not worth flashing back to..

[ flashback shows Susan’s point-of-view, as she’s prepped for the live show ]

Hair Stylist: Okay, Susan, this wig looks great. We’ll just brush your hair out for the monologue now, okay? [ brushes hair ] There. That looks good. You had a really good dress rehearsal. Here. What do you think, Sylvia?

Second Hairsylist: It’s nice. Nice.

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Susan, are you almost ready?

Susan Lucci: Yeah, just about. Thanks, Gloria, you have been so helpful! Really.

Hair Stylist: Oh, no problem. I was just doing my job.

[ Susan’s viewpoint falls upon an Emmy standing on the counter ]

Susan Lucci V/O: Wow.. is.. is that your Emmy?

Victoria Jackson: That’s one of her Emmys! She’s got three!

Hair Stylist: Well, you know, I’ve been in the business about five years, so..

Victoria Jackson: Susan, they want you to go over to wardrobe, and get in a costume thing. Come on.

[ Susan’s viewpoint strolls over to Wardrobe ]

Wardrobe Personnel: There you are! Susan. I want to try this tiara for the next sketch. [ places tiara over Susan’s head ] You know, it’s nice. But I have a couple of more that I want to try. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon 3? Emmy’s on the table ] No, honey, these are Emmys. Back here.

Victoria Jackson: [ holding up two Emmys ] Steven, are these the two Emmys you won for that Very Special “Benson”?

Wardrobe Personnel: Oh, I don’t know, Victoria.. check the inscriptions.

[ Kevin Nealon enters, an Emmy medallion around his neck ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan? Hi, Susan. I think they need you over in Make-up over there. [ Susan’s gaze falls upon Kevin’s Emmy ] Oh? You like this? I gave my other two to my parents! Come on!

Jan Hooks: Hey! Hey, Susan! Hey, you were great in Dress – you excited? you excited? Good! [ shakes wobbly make-up table ] Look at this, my make-up table is broken, can you believe that? [ looks around ] Hey, can somebody help me here, please? Make-up table’s broken. [ Union employee Howard enters ] Hi, Howard. [ Howard places an Emmy under the short leg of the make-up table ] Ohh.. Howard. you’re a life saver.

Howard: It’s only an Emmy, Miss Hooks.

Kevin Nealon: This way, Susan. Susan? Come on.

Victoria Jackson: I didn’t know Howard had an Emmy!

Kevin Nealon: He’s Union – he shows up, he does his job, right?

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon a carpenter using an Emmy to hammer a nail into the wall ]

Victoria Jackson: Susan? Are you alright? Are you okay?

Kevin Nealon: Maybe we should get you a soda, Susan. Come on, follow me.

Victoria Jackson: I guess she’s a little down because she’s never won an Emmy..

Kevin Nealon: Oh, Susan.. you’re gonna win one. Besides, it’s just a statue. you know – a symbol of excellence. [ they enter the dinning area ] Okay, here we are!

[ Susan’s gaze falls upon David Spade and other cast members eating corn-on-the-cob, using Emmy’s as cornholders ]

Kevin Nealon: Susan? Susan, did you eat dinner? There’s plenty of corn over here.

Mike Myers: Hey, everybody! Hey, everybody! Emmy Fight!!

[ Myers and everyone else in the orom begin throwing rubber Emmys at one another, as Susan quickly makes her exit to salvation ]

[ flashback dissolves back to Susan at Center Stage ]

Susan Lucci: Fortunately, they caught me at the elevator. I was hysterical, but they whacked me over the head with an Emmy, and now I’m fine. Anyway.. we’ve got a great show, with Hothouse Flowers, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Susan Lucci: 10/06/90: I Will Not Cry

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 16: Episode 2

90b: Susan Lucci / Hothouse Flowers

I Will Not Cry

Coworker 1…..Jan Hooks
Coworker 2…..Susan Lucci
Coworker 3…..Victoria Jackson
Leslie…..Mike Myers
Jesus…..Phil Hartman

[Three women, in office break room]

Coworker #1: I cannot believe that Leslie is leaving.

Coworker #3: I know. Eight years, that’s a long time.

Coworker 1: Yeah…

Coworker #2: I’m not so sure that this party was a good idea, you know how…sensitive Leslie is.

Leslie: (walking in to their surprise) Hi girls.

Coworker 1: Oh… whoops.

Leslie: What’s going on here?

Coworker 2: Oh Leslie, it’s your last day and we thought, well, we figured that we would just give you a surprise going-away party.

Leslie: Come on, guys, you know I hate these things.

Coworker 1: I know, I know, but Leslie you’re like a brother to us.

Coworker 3: You know, I don’t think of you as someone I work with, I think of you as one of my closest and dearest friends.

Coworker 2: Oh, that goes for me too, Leslie.

Coworker 1: We love you Leslie.

Leslie: Oh, well thank you, that means a lot to me. I feel the same way. (Avoiding tears.) There, it’s started. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. As the lord Jesus is my witness, I will not cry.

Coworker 2: Don’t you start crying or I’ll start crying.

Leslie: (still avoiding tears) Well if you start crying I’ll certainly start crying. And I promised I would not cry. As the lord Jesus, the only son of God, is my witness, I will not cry.

Coworker 3: Come on Leslie, there’s nothing to be sad about, I mean, we’ll see each other soon.

Coworker 1: Yeah, I mean, after all, you’re just movin’ to another section of the building. You know, I tell you what, come on…let’s have Champagne, huh? How about that?

Coworker 3: Yeah…

Leslie: You’re right. I feel a lot better. I feel a lot better. There, I’m gonna be okay. Okay. All right. I feel a lot better.

Coworker 1: Good. Go with it, go with it. There ya go.

Leslie: To friends.

All: To friends.

Leslie: Ahh, woo, I feel a lot better.

Coworker 2: You know, think about it Leslie, now at least you won’t have Mr. Saunders bossing you around.

Leslie: Exactly.

Coworker 1: Mm. You know, old man Mr. Saunders sometimes I think is the meanest man in the world.

Coworker 2: Aw, you got that one right.

Coworker 3: Except sometimes he’s the sweetest man in the world like last Christmas when he gave us those huge bonuses.

Leslie: You’re right, you know in a weird way I– I’m gonna miss Mr. Saunders, you know, I mean, despite his crusty exterior, he’s a good guy. (Avoiding tears again.) Oh no, it’s started again, you know. I promised I wouldn’t cry, you know. Huh. As the lord Jesus, who died on the cross and was a carpenter who turned loaves into fishes is my witness, I will not cry.

Coworker 2: Oh, come on now Leslie, I mean just because Mr. Saunders gave us Christmas bonuses, doesn’t mean he isn’t nasty.

Leslie: You’re right I just got carried away. There, it’s passed.

Coworker 2: Good.

Coworker 1: Good, come on, let’s have some cake, want to? Oh, if you want coffee we’re gonna have to have another mug.

Leslie: Oh, I’ll get my mug.

Coworker 1: You got your mug, good.

Leslie: All right, let’s go.

Coworker 1: All right.

Coworker 2: Here goes.

Coworker 3: Oh Leslie, I can’t believe it, you still use that Eisenhower mug from years ago.

Coworker 2: Oh I’m gonna miss that mug.

Leslie: (avoiding now until end of scene) And I’m gonna miss you missing that mug.

Coworker 1: Leslie what’s wrong?

Leslie: I don’t know but I tell you this. I will not cry.

Coworker 2: If you start to cry, I’m gonna lose it.

Leslie: Well I’m not going to cry, all right, so you don’t have to worry, okay?

Coworker 3: Well I’m gonna cry. I’m gonna miss you.

Coworker 1: Me, too. Me, too.

(all three women start crying)

Leslie: Well cry as you might I will not cry. Don’t misunderstand me–I will miss you, make no mistake of that. But I am not going to cry. As the lord Jesus who was born in a manger only to become the king of the Jews is my witness, I will not cry. Now if you girls will excuse me, I’m gonna go into the next room and I’m gonna try and collect myself, okay? Okay. All right. I’m not gonna cry, all right?

[Leslie goes to other room]

Leslie: (from other room) I will not cry. I will not cry. Oh man, this is pointless.

*Bang!*

All: Oh my god! Leslie! Leslie!

[Leslie ascends to heaven]

[In heaven–musical version of “Unchained Melody” plays]

Leslie: Where am I?

Jesus: You’re in heaven.

Leslie: Who are you?

Jesus: I am Jesus.

Leslie: I feel such a tremendous sense of well-being.

Jesus: As it should be.

Leslie: Tell me, will I ever see those people again?

Jesus: No.

Leslie: Oh, that’s too bad because I’m gonna miss them. But I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry. As, well, I guess, you, are my witness, I will not cry.

[Leslie breaks into tears.]

Leslie: Now I’m starting to cry, you know and I promised I wouldn’t.

Jesus: Let it out.

Leslie: (crying in Jesus’ arms, trailing off) Ya make these promises you know and they’re so hard to can’t keep.

Submitted by: Jere Smith

SNL Transcripts

Her First Period

Her First Period

Mrs. Schroeder…..Susan Lucci
Missy…..Victoria Jackson
Valerie…..Jan Hooks
Caterer…..Rob Schneider
Uncle Rob…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on big-boned Missy sitting alone in the sun room, as her mother, Mrs. Schroeder, enters ]

Mrs. Schroeder: Missy? What are you doing in here? The party’s out in the garden.

Missy: I don’t feel too good, Mom.. I’d rather stay in here.

Mrs. Schroeder: But it’s your big sister’s going-away college party. She wants her little sister at the party!

Missy: Mom, I don’t fit in with Valerie’s friends, Mom – I’m twelve.

Mrs. Schroeder: But you don’t look it! you’re big! You’re a great big twelve-year old! Come on, honey!

Missy: Well.. my feel kinda hurt. I think those shoes you bought me are too small.

Mrs. Schroeder: Oh, no, sweetheart – they can’t be, they’re enormous!

Missy: I.. think I have cramps..

Mrs. Schroeder: Ohhh.. oh! My little girl is going to grow into a great big woman today! Oh, my.. You’re becoming a member of that lcub called “Womanhood”!

Missy: Really?

Mrs. Schroeder: Oh, yes, baby! It’s a wonderful, mysterious club. It isn’t a hard club to get into, but.. it’s a club.. and nobody can kick you out.

[ Valerie storms in ]

Valerie: Mother! The caterer’s asking me where to put the cake – like I know!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, Valerie, we have a little surprise today – Missy is about to take that step into Womanhood!

Valerie: Ohh, you’re getting your period, huh? It’s about time – you’re huge!

[ Caterer enters ]

Caterer: Mrs. Schroeder? I’ve got these instructions on where to put the cake, and there’s a fountain there. You want me to put the cake in the fountain?

Mrs. Schroeder: No, I-I-I don’t. Sorry I didn’t get back to you, but.. my baby is ovulating!

Caterer: [ excited ] Alright!

Missy: [ embarrassed ] Mo-o-omm!

[ Mrs. Schroeder exits with Caterer, leaving the two sisters alone ]

Valerie: God.. does she drive you crazy?

Missy: Well.. no..

Valerie: She drives me crazy. I told her that I did not want a party. I told her I want to go to a Poison concert with all my friends, and rent a limo and jsut cruise around all night. You are so lucky Mom doesn’t like you!

Missy: Mom likes me! [ tears well up ]

Valerie: Right.

[ Mrs. Schroeder re-enters, with Uncle Rob ]

Mrs. Schroeder: I’m back! And look who I found! You remember Uncle Rob.

Missy: Hi, Uncle Rob!

Uncle Rob: Hi! So, your mom tells me you’re getting your period, huh?

Missy: [ upset ] Mom! I can’t believe you told him that!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, now, honey.. I’m sure he would have figured it out himself! Your face is all puffy, and you’re all bloated.. But, listen, the good news is that I hear girls stop their growth once they start menstruating!

Missy: Mom, do we have to discuss this?!

Mrs. Schroeder: Well, forgive me for finding something positive to say! It’s just that you have to stop growing sometime.

Valerie: No, unless you take after Aunt Esther.

Uncle Rob: [ chuckling ] She was a cow huh?

Mrs. Schroeder: But Aunt Esther was never pretty, and you’re pretty, honey, yes you are! If you would just stand up straight and get that hair back off your face. [ pulls Missy’s hair back ] Yes. Oh, yes.. there. There. Isn’t she prettier than Aunt Esther?

Uncle Rob: [ examining carefully ] Mmm.. well, yeah! Around the eyes here.. sure.

Mrs. Schroeder: Rob, you go take Valerie back to the party, okay? Because I want to have a talk with Missy.

Uncle Rob: Okay. Come on, Valerie.

Valerie: Okay!

[ Uncle Rob and Valerie exit ]

Mrs. Schroeder: [ sits next to Missy ] Oh, honey. Oh, your life’s about to change! You’re going to meet new people.. young men wil start to pay attentionto you. hey will. They really will. But, remember – they only want one thing; and they want it all the time. But someday, if you’re lucky, and you slim down some, you’ll meet a man who you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with! [ thinking ] Of course, he’ll want it, too., but he’ll want it only from you, and he’ll want it a lot. In fact, sometimes you’ll just wonder if he’ll ever stop wanting it. Eventually, he will. And then you’ll wonder, “Did he just stop wanting it from me, or did he just stop wanting it? And if he still wants it, where is he getitng it?” Well, it just fills your little head with all sorts of confusion and things – look, what I’m saying is.. these are the good times! You are never going to be happier than you are right now!

Missy: [ not too happy to hear that ] Really?

Mrs. Schroeder: That’s right! [ looks at Missy ] Oh, well, now, come on, sweetheart! Just go back down to that party now, and have a good time, alright? Don’t let me see any cake on your plate, ’cause, remember – we’re going to lose thirty pounds by Christmas!

[ they exit sun room, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Steinbrenner: 10/20/90

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 20th, 1990

George Steinbrenner

The Time

None

The Time, “Jerk Out”

Steinbrenner’s Dream

George Steinbrenner’s Monologue

Middle-Aged Man

Recurring Characters: Middle-Aged Man.

Convenience Store

Slapped By Beaver Tails

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home

The Time performs “Jerk Out”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Arnold.

Attack Of The Colossal Lincoln

Slim-Fast Ad

The Time performs “Chocolate”

What Was I Thinking?

Recurring Characters: Walter Mondale.

Fancy Meals

Harrassing a Female Reporter

“The Vision Of Van Gogh”

SNL Transcripts

Middle-Aged Man

Middle-Aged Man

Teenager #1…..Dana Carvey
Teenager #2…..Chris Rock
Middle-Aged Man…..Mike Myers
Housewife #1…..Jan Hooks
Housewife #2…..Victoria Jackson
Drinking Buddy…..Chris Farley

[ open on two Teenagers trying to work on their car ]

Teenager #1: How does this thing work?

Teenager #2: I don’t know, man, I’ve never done this before..

Teenager #1: Ah, I’m never gonna make it to the concert now..

Middle-Aged Man: [ flashes in ] Maybe I can help! Always hook positive to positive.. when the dead car starts, remove the cables immediately! You know, you ought to put some baking soda on those battery terminals! That way, they won’t corrode!

Teenager #1: [ impressed ] Wow.. I never would have thought of that! How do you know this stuff?

Middle-Aged Man: I know, because I’m.. Middle-Aged Man!

[ dissolve to opening credits for “Middle-Aged Man” ]

[ SUPER: “Middle-Aged Man, with Ed Miles” ]

Jingle: “Middle-Aged Man. Middle-Aged Man.
He has powers and knowledge that are far beyond younger men.
Middle-Aged Man.
Caught between forty and fifty-five
Accruing more interest, yet losing his sex drive.
Middle-Aged Man.”

Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Affair”.

[ open on two Housewives having coffee in the kitchen ]

Housewife #1: I think Larry is having an affair.

Housewife #2: Oh, no.. you really think so?

Housewife #1: I just wish there was someway I could find out for sure..

Middle-Aged Man: [ flashes in ] Maybe I can help!

Housewife #1: What? Who are you?

Middle-Aged Man: I’m.. Middle-Aged Man!

Housewife #2: I’ve heard of you! [ Drinking Buddy flashes in ] Who’s this?

Middle-Aged Man: Uh.. this is my sidekick.. Drinking Buddy.

Housewife #2: What’s the difference between you and Drinking Buddy?

Middle-Aged Man: I have a life!

Drinking Buddy: You.. you got any beer?

Housewife #1: Uh, yeah.. I think there’s one left in the fridge there.

Drinking Buddy: [ pulls out a single beer ] Oh, I couldn’t take your last beer.. [ pulls tab ]

Housewife #1: Oh, that’s okay.

Drinking Buddy: Thanks! [ guzzles beer ]

Middle-Aged Man: [ returning to the issue at hand ] What seems to be the problem? Hold on.. hold on.. I think I just had a Maalox Moment!

Housewife #1: I think my husband is having an affair?

Middle-Aged Man: [ thinking ] Hmm.. did he recently buy a red sports car?

Housewife #1: Why, yes, he did!

Middle-Aged Man: Did he go out and get a haircut that’s far too young for his face?

Housewife #1: Why, yes, that’s amazing!

Middle-Aged Man: And, finally, does he seem unusually happy lately?

Housewife #1: No.. not really..

Middle-Aged Man: Then he’s not having an affiar! [ he and Drinking Buddy laugh uproariously ] Ah, just a little Middle-Aged humor! Right, Drinking Buddy?

Drinking Buddy: [ belching ] Absotutely!

Middle-Aged Man: [ panicking ] Hey! What are you looking at! You’re looking at my gut, aren’t you!

Housewife #2: No!

Middle-Aged Man: Well, I’m working on it!

Drinking Buddy: [ waving beer can ] Say, Ed, it’s beer-thirty.. don’t you think we should be, uh.. you know.. going?

Middle-Aged Man: Ah, tie a knot in it! Don’t start getting the shakes on me!

Housewife #1: Oh, Middle-Aged Man, my husband seems so bored and disinterested..

Middle-Aged Man: How long have you been married?

Housewife #1: Seven years.

Middle-Aged Man: How long have you had that hairstyle?

Housewife #1: Seven years.

Middle-Aged Man: What are you, Betty Rubble?! Change it!

Housewife #1: [ put off ] Well, now, I think you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be sexually desirable.

Middle-Aged Man: Maybe. But I know where all my appliance warranties are.

Housewife #2: Wow! I’d give anything to know that!

Middle-Aged Man: [ annoyed ] Hey! you’re still looking at our guts, aren’t you?!

Housewives: Noooo..

Middle-Aged Man: Hey! I bought an Abdominizer!

Housewife #2: I think Love Handles are sexy!

Middle-Aged Man: Oh, yeah, Love Handles! There’s a euphanism. It’s like calling saggy breasts Love Bags! NO ONE’S BUYING IT!!

Drinking Buddy: Hey, Ed, come on.. my back teeth are starting to pull here..

Middle-Aged Man: Alright, hold your horses! You know you don’t buy beer, you rent it! [ to Housewife #1 ] I hope we were some help to you.

Housewife #1: Yes, you were. Thanks, Middle-Aged Man!

Middle-Aged Man: My pleasure. [ to Housewife #2 ] Just stop looking at my gut! I’m working on it!

[ Middle-Aged Man flashes off, followed closely by Drinking Buddy, as the Housewives wave goodbye ]

Jingle: “He’s Middle-Aged Man.”

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: George Steinbrenner: 10/20/90: George Steinbrenner’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 16: Episode 3

90c: George Steinbrenner / The Time

George Steinbrenner’s Monologue

…..George Steinbrenner

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — George Steinbrenner!

[ Cheers and applause. ]

George Steinbrenner: Thank you! Thank you very, very much! Thank you!Thank you! I’m really excited tonight. I want you all to know that, at 11:15tonight, I bought the Cincinnati Reds.

Anyway, it’s great to be here. You know, this show traditionally has twokinds of hosts — entertainers; you know, actors, comedians… And thenbeloved figures from other walks of life.

Now, I’m not an actor. Never been in a movie or a TV series. Not even acomedian! Don’t do impressions and I’m not even good at snappy comebacks.I don’t do schtick and I’m not a singer. Not gonna put on a dress and singold Judy Garland songs. I’m not a contortionist and I’m not gonna put on astraightjacket and be submerged in a tank of water. I’m not gonna catch abullet in my teeth… I hope. Or eat 100 eggs…

By no reasonable definition of the word can I be considered an”entertainer”. I’m not gonna wear a beard of bees or drink kerosene and doburps. No way! I’m just not an entertainer.

So the way I see it, if I’m not an entertainer, I must fall into thatother category: beloved Americans from another walk of life. Anyway, wegot a terrific show for you tonight! A great musical group is here: TheTime!

[ Cheers and applause. ]

George Steinbrenner: Everyone working here is underpaid… all you guys!So, Lou won the big game, 2-1.

[ Mixed reaction from the audience. ]

George Steinbrenner: So let’s stick around! You’re gonna have a greattime! And we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Carl’s Quick Stop

Carl’s Quick Stop

Pete the Head Supervisor…..Phil Hartman
Carl the Manager…..George Steinbrenner
Steve…..Kevin Nealon
Hungover Employee…..Chris Farley

Pete the Head Supervisor at Carl’s Quick-Stop is disgusted by the increasing number of employees who aren’t performing their jobs, so he decided to address the issue with Carl the manager.

Pete: It’s about Steve. He’s not working out.

Carl: Well, what should we do? Do you think I should talk to him again?

Pete: No, Carl.. I think it’s time you let him go.

Carl: You mean, fire him?

Pete: I don’t think you have a choice. He’s not doing his job, he doesn’t show up half the time, and when he does he’s rude to the customers.

Carl: Geez, it just seems firing so extreme. How about if we just give him a warning? A warning can be very effective, you know?

Pete: Carl, this can’t continue! You’ve got twenty people on the payroll, and only five real jobs. Three employees are out there operating a cash register. You’ve got to start somewhere! I’ll go get him. [ exits office ]

Carl: [ alone, worried ] How? How do you fire a man? How do you look in his eye and tell him he’s no longer needed? Who am I to judge another man?

[ Pete returns to the office with Steve, who’s dressed sloppily, eating potato chips and listening to a Walkman ]

Steve: You wanted to see me, Sir?

Carl: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did. [ Pete asks Steve to take his headphones off, as Carl struggles for the right thing to say ] Steve, I think it’s just.. that your performance has been.. Pete said that, uh.. well.. well, uh.. how do you think you’re doing here?

Steve: Hmm.. I don’t know. I kinda like it.

Carl: Well, that’s good! That’s good! That’s important.

Steve: Well, is there anything else?

Carl: No.. That’s it, I.. I.. you know, I just wanted to say Hi.

Steve: Oh. Okay. Alright.

Carl: You take care. Goodbye. [ Steve exits ]

Pete: [ upset ] Carl!

Carl: It’s just I can’t.. I can’t fire people, it’s not in my nature.

Pete: You can’t keep saying that. If an employee isn’t delivering what you expect of them, you have to fire them!

Carl: Why? Where is it written if you don’t get results right away, you fire people? What kind of asinine policy is that?

Pete: Carl! It’s just good business!

Carl: That’s where you’re wrong! It’s not good business! You can’t have people worried all the time that they’ll be fired if they make one mistake. That’s lunacy! Only a jackass would run his business that way!

Pete: Carl, this is the way it works: an unsatisfied owner fires people!

Carl: A stupid owner! A stupid, arrogant, shortsighted owner. The kind of guy who blames everybody but himself! How would you like it everytime something went wrong, I just blamed you, the supervisor, huh? Let’s just fire the supervisor! Then I’ll hire some other guy, and something would go wrong and I’d fire him, and I’d probably rehire you! Then fire you again, bring in someone else, then fire him and rehire you again! Then fire and hire, back and forth until the whole thing’s just a big joke! Is that the kind of owner you want? Some yammering nincompoop in a fancy suit? No way you take that road, ’cause before you know it, you’ll probably be banned from running the entire company.

Pete: You know what? You’re right. Thank God the kind of boss you described only exists in our worst nightmares! Because if he did exist, I’d be so sick, I don’t think I could stand the sight of him.

[ a hungover employee enters the office staggering ]

Hungover Employee: Hey, Boss. I wasa at a party last night.. I got pretty drunk, and I was wondering if I could knock off early?
Carl: Take the rest of the day off. And if you’re still hung over tomorrow, just come back next week – we’ll be here for you.

Hungover Employee: Thanks, Boss.

Carl: Okay. I’ll walk you to your car.

[ Carl exits with the hungover employee, leaving Pete alone in the office ]

Pete: [ to himself ] There goes the opposite of a horrible man.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

…..Dennis Miller
…..Chris Rock
Tom Arnold…..Chris Farley
Roseanne Arnold…..Victoria Jackson

Music Intro: “Dance to The Music”, Sly & the Family Stone

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Earlier this week, House Democrats and the White House differed on a proposed shut-down time for the American Government. In lieu of an acceptable budget agreement, Democrats wanted the government to shut down at 6pm Wednesday, whereas the White House wanted the government to shut down at 6am Wednesday. Eventually, they hammered out a compromise shut-down time of 12:45 pm Wednesday, right after lunch. To celebrate the agreement, the President attempted to pose for a picture with Democratic leaders, but they could not agree on an F-stop setting for the camera.

Mikhael Gorbachev, this week, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, which includes a reward of more than $700,000. Gorbachev says he will use the money to double his country’s Gross National Product.

Though most agree the Soviet leader deserves the award, some suspect a little backstage campaigning that swung the vote.

Dennis Miller: Turning to sports, there’s a big fight coming up next week, and here with some comments and insight is “Weekend Update” correspondent Chris Rock. Welcome, Chris!

Chris Rock: Thank you, Dennis! Next week, Evander Holyfield fights Buster Douglas for the Heavyweight Championship of the World. Now, I went to place a bet on the fight, and I found out that Evander Holyfield is the favorite! I have nothing against Evander, but didn’t Buster Douglas knock Mike Tyson out? Doesn’t that mean anything? What does a guy have to do to be favorite – kill Godzilla? Now, I’m at home the other night watching some old boxing movies, and by far the strangest one had to be “Rocky IV”. I’m sitting there thinking to myself, “Two white guys fighting for the Heavyweight Championship of the World? Boy, that Spielberg’s something else!” I mean, let’s face it: white guys cannot box! Black guys fight better. Puerto Ricans fight even better. I guess the lower you go on the social ladder, the better you fight. For every good Puerto Rican fighter, there’s an American Indian waiting to kick his ass! I feel so sorry for the Indians, man, because we took.. well, we didn’t take.. you people took their land, and now they have nothing. Everybody exploits the Indians – you’ve got Mazola commercials, you’ve got “F-Troop”, the Washington Redskins.. Washington Redskins, that’s not nice! That’s a racial slur! That’s kind of like having the New York Niggers, okay? [ sighs ] Uh, Dennis, what was I talking about?

Dennis Miller: I think you were talking about Boxing.

Chris Rock: Yeah, I’ve got Buster Douglas in the eighth.

Dennis Miller: I hear that. Thank you. Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen.

Effective this week, AT&T will no longer be saying, “Thank you for using AT&T.” Starting tomorrow, all AT&T operators will say, “Thank you for not using Sprint or MCI.”

This is lance corporal Corey Keeling of Redding California spooning chili into insulated containers to be served to our troops in the Saudi desert. Nothing a soldier likes more in the middle of the desert than a big steaming bowl of chili, huh? “Yeah, listen guys, I’m goin’ into Hell. Can I get a jalapeño to suck on?”

Dennis Miller: And, in entertainment news, Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold have announced that they are suing the National Enquirer for $35 million. We’ve got them on live remote from California. Rosie! Tom! Welcome! How are you guys?

[ Tom and Roseanne live via satellite ]

Tom Arnold: Look, you don’t have to answer that!

Roseanne Arnold:It’s fine, honey. We’re fine, Dennis.

Dennis Miller: Okay now, a $35 million lawsuit, why?

Roseanne Arnold: Oh.. well, like, 35’s, like, my lucky number, and everything, you know? And, like, that’s the day I met Tom, on March 5th..

Tom Arnold: That’s my lucky number, too! I love you, honey.

Roseanne Arnold: I love you, too, honey! [ they start hugging and kissing, grossing Dennis out ]

Dennis Miller: Guys! Guys! Why are you suing, guys?

Roseanne Arnold: Oh! Like, Dennis, you know, we don’t have any skeletons in our closet or anything..

Tom Arnold: What skeletons could we have that we don’t already have?!

Roseanne Arnold: We don’t have anything left. Like, we ain’t got nothing. It’s, like, maybe I fired, like, two or 500 people, or something. And maybe Tom went to a drug clinic, you know?

Tom Arnold: I got in the taxi and went for treatment!

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah! But, like, they said our tattoo was on our butt, and that is a lie! Our tattoo is right here.. [ indicates the small of her back ]

Tom Arnold: [ lifts his shirt near his butt and points to the small of his back ] This is not our butt, Dennis! That is not our butt!

Roseanne Arnold: We are mad!

Tom Arnold: [ jumping to the foot of the camera ] The media is scum! They’re not even people!

Roseanne Arnold: [ jumping to the foot of the camera behind Tom ] We’re gonna win! ‘Cause we’re, like, really mad and everything!

Tom Arnold: [ grabbing Roseanne ] We’re ready to fight!

Roseanne Arnold: [ grabbing Tom, kissing him ] Yeah, we’re ready to fight! We’re really mad..! [ she topples over Tom and kisses him uncontrollably, as they roll over one another ]

Dennis Miller: [ disgusted, holding his hand in front of the screen ] No! Stop! Stop! Turn it off! [ screen goes blank ] Did I just see what I think I saw? I felt like I was above the Grand Canyon in a helicopter..

New York Mayor David Dinkins has approved a new plan to pay a $5,000 reward to anyone willing to snitch on someone who may have cheated on their taxes. Immediately following the proposal, Dinkins finally admitted to allegations to not filing his own tax returns for four consecutive years, and paid himself $20,000.

And, as a last resort to save Atlantic City’s Taj Mahal, Donald Trump has finally decided to sell all that he has left: the former millionaire’s ego will be auctioned off at Christie’s later this week.

And, in a ceremony at City Hall this week, the stench of urine was named New York’s official smell. Congratulations, Stench of Urine!

Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!

SNL Transcripts

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home

Winston-McCauley Funeral Home

Winston-McCauley Spokesperson…..Phil Hartman

Spokesperson: Care, compassion, dedication. These are the things we can promise you at Winston-McCauley Funeral Home. And there’s one other thing we can promise: that we will not have sex with any dead body. How can we guarantee this level of service? First, we rigorously test our applicants for aptitude and intelligence.. and also to make sure they don’t have the urge to have sex with dead bodies. And, if any of our employees fails to live up to our standards, he can be suspended, without pay, for up to six months. And, if that’s not enough, you have my personal assurance that if you can prove that your loved one was the victim of post-mortem sex, I will discount your bill with us for a full $1,000. That’s the Winston-McCauley Guarantee.

Announcer: Care. Compassion. Dedication. And absolutely No Sex. Winston-McCauley Funeral Home.

SNL Transcripts