Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
If you go parachuting,
and your parachute doesn’t open,
and you friends are all watching you fall,
I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Category: 1991
Macauley Culkin’s Monologue
Macauley Culkin’s Monologue
…..Rob Schneider
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Macauley Culkin
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Julia Sweeney
…..Chris Farley
…..Phil Hartman
…..Mike Myers
[ Macauley enters the stage for his monologue, but discovers the entire studio is empty. He peers into an abandoned camera, then walks around the stage. ]
Macauley Culkin: Lorne? [ looks around ]
[ cut to footage of an airplane leaving the runway ]
[ dissolve to interior, First Class, Lorne Michaels seated with Rob Schneider ]
Rob Schneider: I’ve gotta hand it to you, Lorne – it’s a great idea doing the show in Paris!
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, it’ll be be a smash.
Rob Schneider: Still.. I feel like a heel riding up in First Class, with the rest of the cast in Coach.
Lorne Michaels: Nonsense, they’re having the time of their lives. Besides, the Richmeister’s gonnas be a smash in Paris. I hope we didn’t forget anything.
[ cut back to Macauley wandering alone through the Control Room ]
Macauley Culkin: Hello-o-o? Dana? Victoria? Julia? Is this a joke? Hello-o? Kevin? Farley? I made them all disappear.. [ smiles happily ] I made them all disappear!
[ quick videos show Macauley playing throughout the studio ]
[ he dresses up in a cowboy costume he finds in the Wardrobe Dept. ]
[ in Props, he finds a few prop guns, firing one playfully at the cutout of Schwarzenegger used in the Hans & Franz sketches ]
[ in Make-Up, he discovers an old Coneheads wig, which he affixes to his head ]
[ plays guitar on the Band Stage, still wearing the Conehead head ]
[ back in Make-Up, he peels off the sideburns to the Conehead costume, causing him to slap his hands to his face and scream with a resounding echo ]
[ cut back to the Airplane, Lorne worrying about something ]
Rob Schneider: What’s the matter?
Lorne Michaels: I have this terrible feeling I forgot someone. You seen Spade?
Rob Schneider: Yeah. Remember he came up here and asked if we were using our headsets?
Lorne Michaels: Right.. right.. Victoria did the head count, right?
Rob Schneider: Yep. Nothing to worry about.
Lorne Michaels: Hmm.. What else could we be forgetting? [ panic spreads onto his face ] The HOST!!
[ back in the SNL Control Room, Macauley is playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on all the monitors ]
[ cut back to the Airplane ]
Lorne Michaels: How could I do this..?
Kevin Nealon: We were in a hurry, Lorne.
Victoria Jackson: It’s my fault, I counted wrong.
Lorne Michaels: What kind of producer am I?
Rob Schneider: Lorne, you’re a wonderful producer!
Lorne Michaels: Really?
Julia Sweeney: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my Pat costume.
Lorne Michaels: What are we gonna do? We don’t get to Paris for hours! [ pauses ] Wait a minute.. I’m Lorne Michaels. Stewardess! Tell the pilot to turn this plane around!
[ video footage shows the plane take a 180 in the sky and head back to New York ]
[ back in his dressing room, Macauley stares longingly at a framed photo of Lorne on the wall ]
[ in the hall, the elevator doors open, as Lorne frantically runs out ]
Lorne Michaels: Macauley! Macauley! Macauley! Macauley! [ enters dressing room ] Macauley.. Oh, Macauley, I am so sorry.
[ Macauley runs into Lorne’ arms for a hug, as other castmembers excitedly run into the room ]
Chris Farley: Hey, I’m sorry I ate your pizza, buddy!
Macauley Culkin: It’s okay, Chris.
Phil Hartman: And I’m sorry I called you a “little jerk”.
Macauley Culkin: That’s okay, Phil. I guess sometimes I can be a little jerk!
Mike Myers: And I’m sorry I haven’t been in this sketch until now!
Macauley Culkin: That’s okay, Mike.
Lorne Michaels: Hey, Macauley, don’t you have a monologue to do?
Macauley Culkin: You mean..?
Lorne Michaels: That’s right! We brought an audience from the airport.
Macauley Culkin: Wow!
Lorne Michaels: So, go ahead – knock ’em dead!
Macauley Culkin: Alright!
[ end of opening montage plays ]
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Macauley Culkin!
Macauley Culkin: Thank you! Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Our musical guest tonight is Tin Machine.. with David Bowie. We’re gonna have a great time, we’ll be right back!
Richmeister
Richmeister
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Randy…..Kevin Nealon
Steve…..Phil Hartman
Young Richmeister…..MaCauley Culkin
Sister Margaret…..Siobhan Fallon
[ Randy enters the Copy Room ]
Richmeister: Ran-dyyy! The Rand-man! Randatollah!
Randy: Hi, Richard. Just making some copies.
Richmeister: Alright! The Rand Old Opry, makin’ copies!
Randy: It’s nice to see you, too, Richard.
Richmeister: The Randster! Randomly selected for yourlistening pleasure!
Randy: That’s a new one. I like that one.
Richmeister: Ran-dyy! Likin’ the new one! The Great Randino-o-o-o!
Randy: Now, that one I’ve heard before. [ exits ]
Richmeister: The Randipulator. Doesn’t realize how hard it iscoming up with new names. The Complain-meister! [ Steve enters ] TheSteve-inator!
Steve: Rich! The Richmeister!
Richmeister: Second Lieutenant Steve, of the 82nd Airborne Division!
Steve: [ laughing ] What??
Richmeister: Ste-e-eve!
Steve: Hey, Rich, I’ve got to ask you something. This has beenbothering me for a long time.. I mean.. have you always been this way, youknow, with the “Name Thing”? [ The Richmeister stares into space, wondering ]Rich? Where you going, buddy?
Richmeister: The Rich-man, about to have a flashback! El backo de flasho!
[ The Richmeister drifts off, as the scene fades into a flashback of his childhood, sitting at his desk in the back of the Catholic school classroom ]
Young Richmeister: Tim-my! The Tim-meister! Sharpenin’ his pencil!
Timmy: [ sharpening his pencil ] Hey, Rich. I’m out of lead.
Young Richmeister: No lead for the Tim Man! Tim-o-rama!
Timmy: See ya, Rich. [ walks back to his desk ]
Young Richmeister: Ti-i-im! [ Cindy approaches the pencil sharpener ]Alright! Cindy! The Cindstress!
Cindy: Hi, Rich.
Young Richmeister: Cindereta Cindita! The Class Babe! Makin’ herpencils sharp! Sharpatollah! [ Cindy returns to her desk, as Froggyapproaches the pencil sharpener ] Froggy! The Frogginator! The Guy withthe Warts!
Froggy: Leave me alone.
Young Richmeister: Frogman! The Guy Who Likes to Eat the Paste!Frog-o-rama!
Froggy: [ annoyed ] Shut.. up!
Young Richmeister: Froggy, gettin’ mad! Froggarino!
[ Froggy returns to his desk ]
Sister Margaret: Now, Class, remember we were discussing the Battleof Bunker Hill. Now, it was George Washington’s belief that if hecould..
Young Richmeister: [ interrupting ] George! George of the Jungle!
Sister Margaret: [ angry ] Richard!
Young Richmeister: Baron George van Washeimer!
Sister Margaret: Okay, Richard Laymer, maybe you would liketo tell us what George Washington beleived he could achieve at the Battle ofBunker Hill?
Young Richmeister: Alright! Sister Margaret, askin’ me questions!
Sister Margaret: [ stern ] We’re all waiting.
Young Richmeister: The Nunster! Nun-o-rama! Nu-u-un!
Sister Margaret: [ grabs a ruler and walks toward Richard’s desk ]Give me your hand.
Young Richmeister: The Young Rich-man sincerely apologizes!
Sister Margaret: [ towering over Young Richmeister ] I said give meyour hand!
Young Richmeister: Be assured, no more talkin’ from the Rich-man!Promisita to the Nunnita! [ Young Richmeister realizes his fate isinevitable ] Oh, no! Disaster for the Rich-man! [ close-up of YoungRichmeister’s face as Sister Margaret swats his hand with the ruler ]Auugghhhh…!!
[ flashback fades back into the modern-day Richmeister, still screaming ]
Richmeister: ..Aauugghhhh..!!
Steve: Rich! Rich, it’s alright! You’re okay!
Richmeister: [ coming out of it ] Steve?!
Steve: Yeah, you were daydreaming.
Richmeister: [ dazed ] Steve-o?
Steve: Yeah. You were mumbling something about Baron vonGeorge Washheimer?
Richmeister: The Stevester!
Steve: [ quickly looks at his watch ] Oh, hey, Rich.. I gotto go pick up my kid at St. Catherine’s. [ darts out of the Copy Room ]
Richmeister: St Catherine’s! [ remembers his flashback, and panics ]Ste-e-e-e-eve!!
[ zoom out to fade ]
Scalder & Son
Scalder & Son
Scalder…..Chris Farley
Son…..Macauley Culkin
Rock Thrower…..Adam Sandler
Archer…..Dana Carvey
Archer’s Son…..Culkin
[ open on a Medieval castle during a crusade ]
[ dissolve to Scalder and Son pouring hot oil from the top of the castle ]
Scalder: You see, Son, that’s how we do it!
Son: Wow! We really scolded those guys!
Scalder: Well, that’s my job. I’m a scalder. And, maybe some day, you’ll be one, too!
Son: Really, Dad!
Scalder: Su-ure. You’ll have your own cauldron, your own bellow, maybe your own hunchbacked assistant.
Son: Wow!
Scalder: But, it’s not as easy as it looks – a lot of hard work, a lot of study. You’ve got to know your differnet oils, your different molten metals. You’d be surprised at how many different things you can heat up and pour on people.
Son: Timmy said his dad’s more important.
Scalder: Well.. what does Timmy’s dad do?
Son: He’s a torturer.
Scalder: Well, torturing is important. But, the main thing is that you do your job well. Someday you may grow up to be a torturer.. or a scalder.. or maybe you just want to throw rocks down on people. I just want you to be happy.
[ a Rock Thrower preps himself up against the side of the castle as he throws down a rock ]
I wouldn’t do that.. [ Rock Thrower continues ] You.. you shouldn’t stand up there, and let me tell you why. You see the guys down there with the bows and.. [ Rock Thrower is shot with an arrow, and falls to the ground ] ..arrows..? [ to Son ] You see, that’s why you gotta listen! When I first starting scalding, I thought I knew everything. Then, in my first battle, I spilled molten lead all over your grandfather’s leg. [ chuckles ]
Son: What happened?
Scalder: He died.. very angry at me. I learned something.
Son: [ points down ] Look, Dad! They’re climbing up the wall again! Shouldn’t we pour?
Scalder: Not yet. The secret of good scalding is knowing when not to scald.
Son: But they’re climbing up the wall!
Scalder: That’s alright, let ’em come.. Here comes some more of their friends.. Now, we pour!
[ they dump the hot oil onto the crowd below ]
Son: Boy, Dad, you were right! You must be the best scalder in the world!
Scalder: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know.. [ suddenly, he’s shot by an arrow ]
[ cut to an Archer and his Son standing at the base of the castle ]
Archer: You see, Son, that’s how it’s done! It’s about 90% patience.
Archer’s Son: Gosh, Dad, you must be the bet archer in the whole world!
Archer: [ laughs ] Well, I son’t know about that, I..
[ suddenly, another pot of hot oil is dropped on them, as they hotfoot it out of the scene to fade ]
Bill Swerski’s Superfans
Bill Swerski’s Superfans
Bob Swerski…..George Wendt
Carl Wollarski…..Robert Smigel
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Tommy Arnold…..Macauley Culkin
Denise Swerski…..Beth Cahill
Todd’s Wife…..Chris Farley
[ show opens at Ditka’s Restaurant, Chicago ]
Bob Swerski: Hello, my friends, and welcome to another edition of “Bill Swerski’s Superfans”. I’m Bob Swerski, and I want to thank everyone for sending those cards to my brother Bill, who recently had another heart attack. We are coming to you live from Ditka’s, here on Thanksgiving Day, a day for giving thanks, or taking punishment from, a team that is known as Da Bears!
Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da Bears!
Bob Swerski: With me as always are the Superfans. Gentlemen, how was your week? Any heart attacks?
Carl Wollarski: I had one.
Todd O’Conner: Had a couple.
Bob Swerski: Alright. Now, as you can tell, we’re celebrating Thanksgiving here at Ditka’s, rather than in our homes. But it’s okay, our families understand.
Pat Arnold: Absolutely!
Bob Swerski: This year the Bears are playing, and Ditka’s has a 12-foot screen.
Todd O’Conner: There’s really no other place to be.
Bob Swerski: Alright, we’re getting ready to watch the Bears annihilate the Detroit Lions, but first, it’s a good time to reflect on our glorious heritage. And here to help us out with their annual presentation, is the sixth graders over at St. Ignatius, led by Tommy Arnold, nephew of our own Pat Arnold.
[ dissolve to the sixth grade class presentation ]
Pilgrim (Tommy Arnold): Look at the bountiful meal the Indians have prepared for us! Pork chops, strip steak, kelbasa, baby back ribs with garlic butter, and a side of home fries.
Indian: We welcome you to this great land, and look forward to the many games Da Bears will be playing 300 years from now.
Pilgrim: Indian, you are so wise. Please smoke on your peacepipe and tell us the future.
Indian: Bears 96, Lions 14.
Pilgrim: It’s not gonna be that close!
Indian: That’s the halftime score, my friend.
[ dissolve back to the Superfans cheering ]
Bob Swerski: Good job. Very entertaining. But it was not without a serious message – on Thanksgivng, gentlemen, it’s important to remember that there are places, other places, in this world that do not have the things that we have and take for granted. For example – Indianapolis. The Colts. They’re terrible!
Pat Arnold: With a really bad coach.
Carl Wollarski: It really makes you want to shed da tears.
Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da tears!
Todd O’Conner: [ starts choking on something ]
Bob Swerski: You okay, Todd?
Pat Arnold: Hey, hey, hey, he’s having a heart attack!
Todd O’Conner: [ in garbled speech, yells, “I’m choking!” ]
Carl Wollarski: He’s choking, he’s choking! I got ‘im! [ stands to apply the Heimlich on Todd ]
Todd O’Conner: [ coughs out a full piece of pork chop ]
Bob Swerski: Excellent work, good job, Carl! Todd, you gotta remember to chew those pork chops, buddy. Now, relax, it’s the holidays.
Todd O’Conner: I hear ya!
Bob Swerski: Alright. Now, gentlemen, if you’ll indulge me a bit, I’ve got some family here, myself. Like Da Bears, she’s a winner – the current Miss Southside of Chicago, my daughter, Denise Swerski.
Denise Swerski: [ walks out with a plate of food ] Hey, what’s up! Hey, Dad! Brought you this seven-layer salad from home!
Bob Swerski: Thank you, darling.
Denise Swerski: Just a few more minutes before Da Bears start kicking some ass, huh?
Bob Swerski: Some girl, huh, guys?
Carl Wollarski: The girl’s got spunk.
Pat Arnold: You know, she’s got a real Mrs. Ditka quality.
Todd O’Conner: Hey, Denise! Look how many chops I polished off! Take a gander! [ holds up his plate ]
Denise Swerski: [ impressed ] That’s a lot of chops!
Todd O’Conner: Ah, there’s more where that came from!
Pat Arnold: Hey, hey, Denise.. [ stands ] Check out this scar! [ pulls up shirt to reveal scar ]
[ Music sting ]
Denise Swerski: Wow..
Pat Arnold: Yeah, I got it at a tailgate party. We were roasting a big pig on a spit, and I got punctured. But I didn’t miss the kickoff!
Denise Swerski: That’s something!
Carl Wollarski: Hey, Denise.. [ stands ] Look at this! [ pulls up his shirt ]
[ Music sting ]
Broad Street, 1986, after the Superbowl. I was kicked by a cop’s horse, trying to pin a Ditka button on him.
Todd O’Conner: Oh, yeah..? [ stands ] Check out this! [ pulls up shirt ]
[ Music sting ]
Snack bar, Lambough Field, I was scalded by the cheese of a flaming hot nacho.
Denise Swerski: Now, that’s.. my kinda guy..
Todd O’Conner: Maybe you’d like to come here and back that up!
Bob Swerski: Hey, hey, hey, Todd.. easy, pal.. come on, that’s my daughter, huh?! Hey! Don’t make me go over there and inflict some damage Butkus-style!
Todd O’Conner: Hey, she’s a grown-up woman! [ starts making out with Denise ]
Carl Wollarski: Hey, Todd, Todd.. Todd.. come on! [ knocks Todd’s cap off ] You got a wife at home! Think about that!
[ Todd drifts into thoughts of his wife at home in the kitchen ]
Todd’s Wife: Your knockwerst is almost ready, Todd, so that you can fully enjoy tuning in to Da Bears. I’m sure they’re gonna kick ass, darling! They’re Da best! But you know something – you’re My Ditka! My Ditka! My Ditka! My Ditka..!
[ Todd drifts out of his thoughts ]
Todd O’Conner: [ bawling ] I’m her Ditka..! I’m her Ditka..!
Denise Swerski: What?
Todd O’Conner: I’m sorry, Denise, it’s not gonna work out. Let’s just say I’m a very lucky man.
Denise Swerski: Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me!
Todd O’Conner: Well, that’s good to know!
Bob Swerski: Alright, you two, enough, okay? We’re all very lucky here, and that’s the real message of this holiday season. So let’s all join in the Thanksgiving prayer.
Superfans: [ beer mugs raised ] Da prayer!
Bob Swerski: We thank Ditka, and God, for all they have provided, for the food we eat, the air we breathe, and for the domination enjoyed by a certain team, from a certain town…
Todd O’Conner: Hey, hey, hey, hey, the game’s starting.
Bob Swerski: Alright, alright, we’ll get back to that during a commercial. Enjoy the game, folks!
[ Closing Theme music pots out ]
[ fade out ]
The Love Toilet
The Love Toilet
Man…..Kevin Nealon
Woman…..Victoria Jackson
[ open on pan shots of a romantic couple dining together ]
Announcer: You’ve found that one special someone, and you never want to be apart. You dine together; you play together; you sleep together; you even bathe together. So, why not share the most intimate moment of them all? With..the Love Toilet.
[ cut to couple on a two-seat toilet ]
Exquisitely-designed; hand-crafted of the finest porcelain imported from France, the nation of love. The Love Toilet. From Niagra, the ToiletPeople. Because when you’re in love, even five minutes apart can seem like an eternity.
Bamberger Announcer: The Love Toilet. Available at all Bambergers, and other fine stores.
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Adam Sandler
Kevin Nealon: [ telling joke to pair of Union workers ] The bartender tells Jerry Brown, “Forget about them, because they’re both lesbians.” Right.. [ sees the cameras ] Later, later! [ Union Workers leave ] Good evening! I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a dysfunctional codependent.
Well, this week, Gov. Cuomo publicly criticized Dan Quayle for calling him “Mario”, in an effort to emphasize his Italian heritage. A spokesman for Quayle denied the charge, and, hereafter, the governor will be referred to as “Captain Calzone”.
While playing golf last weekend, President Bush told reporters that the recession is over and the economy’s in fine shape. He then proceeded to tee off, losing his ball in a group of homeless people camped out next to the fairway.
Kevin Nealon: President Bush’s approval rating on his handling on the economy reached a two-year low this week. Here with her commentary on Bush and the economy, is “Weekend Update” Washington correspondent, Victoria Jackson. Victoria?
Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Kevin! Well, the Cold War is over, and the Japanese won. That’s the sad truth, only George Bush doesn’t seem to know it. We’re not in a recession, he says! Well, tell that to the people of Pennsylvania, Mr. Bush. And while you’re at it, tell it to Dick Thornberg. The tragic fact is, there may be nothing we can do to rescue our economy. Cut taxes, some say; stimulate the economy to raise revenue and balance the budget. Gee! When did Victoria Jackson here that before? 1981? Do you know that every tax dollar raised west of the Missisippi is used to pay the interest – yes, the interest – of the national debt! In eighth grade geometry, we learned that parallel lines do not intersect. Well, when Victoria Jackson lies awake at night, pondering this deficit moreas, I don’t see parallel lines – I see lines going further and further apart, stretching into the future with no end in sight, and frankly, it frightens me. As I sit here delivering this commentary to an American audience in a building owned by the Japanese, I am afraid! Kevin.
Kevin Nealon: [ amazed ] Wow! That’s pessimistic!
Victoria Jackson: Thank you!
Kevin Nealon: What about the peace dividend?
Victoria Jackson: Huh?
Kevin Nealon: Well, isn’t it possible that the end of the Cold War might free up the kind of resources that could reverse these trends?
Victoria Jackson: I.. don’t really know..
Kevin Nealon: In a sense, the fall of the Soviet Empire came at just the right time?
Victoria Jackson: Um.. I didn’t write this.. a writer wrote it.. [ pouting ] I just want people to think I’m smart.
Kevin Nealon: Oh, we do, Victoria. We think you’re smart.
Victoria Jackson: No, you don’t. Don’t patronize me – whatever that means.
Kevin Nealon: Vicoria, we think you’re smart.
Victoria Jackson: Really?
Kevin Nealon: Honest.
Victoria Jackson: [ to the audience ] Do you? [ wild applause ] Yeah!
Kevin Nealon: Victoria Jackson! She’s smart. Just not very bright.
During an appearance on “This Week with David Brinkley”, Dan Quayle said that he’s not bothered by all the jokes about him on television – unless his wife or kids explain what they mean, and then he gets pretty PO’ed.
After his huge defeat in last Saturday’s election, David Duke told his supporters that the Louisiana vote was “only the beginning”. So, apparently, voters can look forward to trouncing Duke in many more elections to come.
David Duke also went on to claim that he only lost the election because his name sounds so much like “Dukakis”.
Two Biblical scholars broke a decade-long monopoly over control of the Dead Sea Scrolls, and said the final 20% of the ancient documents will finally be published. We have an advance copy of the book here, it sells for $19.95. In it, Moses actually claims that he, too, slept with over 20,000 women.
McDonald’s is teaming up with Turner Broadcasting to develop an original programming service for the restaurant. The programs will use Turners’ colorizing technology to give McDonald’s hamburger patties a natural brown look, instead of the usual grey.
Kevin Nealon: Well, Thanksgiving is next Thursday, and, now, here to talk about it is “Weekend Update”‘s Adam Sandler. Adam?
Adam Sandler: Thanks, Kevin! Well, Thanksgiving dinner has always been a big deal in my house. And, every year, I try to make it home to celebrate with the family. But this year, due to my busy schedule, I can’t make it. So, right now, I’m gonna ask my dad to put a cassette in the VCR so he can record this, and then he can put the TV in my usual place at the dinner table and play it back at Thanksgiving, to recreate the illusion that I’m dining with the family.
Okay. Get ready, Dad. [ reaches below the desk, then pulls up a trayful of food ] Press Record now.
[ starts eating, silently ] This is good, Ma! Really good! It’s.. not a Butterball? I couldn’t tell. It’s really juicy. No.. no thanks.. I don’t want any more. No, seriously, no more.. I got no more room.. Ma! Put the turkey down.. put it down.. Dammit! Will you give it a rest! What, Dad? I didn’t do anything, I just didn’t want anymore! Oh, yeah, I’m deliberately trying to hurt Mom, right! Oh, there he goes again! Dad, that was ten years ago! I said I was sorry, the only one who still brings it up is YOU!! Okay, Dad, you know everything! Wha? Yeah? [ grabs his knife and holds it up ] Well, come on over here, old man! You want some of this?!! Bring it on!! I’d love it!! Right! Yeah! You’d BETTER sit down!! The tables are turning, man! [weeping ] I ain’t afraid of you no more! You guys just don’t understand! NO, NO, NO, NO!! [ flips his tray over the desk ] Stop treating me like a two-year-old!! [ breaks down in tears ]
Kevin Nealon: [ addressing the camera ] Uh.. Mr. Sandler, maybe you should press Stop on the VCR. Have a happy Thanksgiving.
Adam Sandler: [ screaming ] I’m queer!
Kevin Nealon: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler!
Well, a woman suffering cardiac arrest was resuscitated by a group of rich teenagers Wednesday, when, instead of dialing 911, she accidentally dialed 90210.
And, after a nine-year run on Broadway, the cast of “Cats” was finally neutered this week.
A 29-year-old woman is the first person ever nabbed on using body cavities to sneak currency out of the country. According to U.S. Customs service, balloons containing $6,500 were in her stomach, and seven balloons filled with $3,500 were found in certain other parts of her anatomy. She was held in custody for three hours, during which time she served as a Citibank cash machine.
Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.
U.S. Fon
U.S. Fon
Barbara Gardner…..Julia Sweeney
Tom Claymore…..Phil Hartman
[ open on Barbara Gardner seated next to the phone in her living room – phone rings ]
Barbara Gardner: [ answers ] Hello?
[ interchange to Tom Claymore calling from a seedy motel ]
Tom Claymore: Yes.. hello.. [ reading from phone book ] Mrs. Barbara Gardner, of 1724 Meadowview Terrace?
Barbara Gardner: Yes?
Tom Claymore: I’m Tom Claymore, of Bonanza Resorts International.. I’m calling to congratulate you, you’ve won a 10-day, all expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas!
Barbara Gardner: I don’t remember registering for any trip.
Tom Claymore: Oh.. you’re automatically reigstered! Your name has been selected from a list of preferred customers!
Barbara Gardner: I’m not sure I understand…
Tom Claymore: Well, all I need is a credit card number, to confirm your identification, so you can claim your winnings. Any credit card number will do.
Barbara Gardner: Maybe you’d better give me your phone number first.
Tom Claymore: Oh, that won’t be necessary!
Barbara Gardner: You’re right. I already have it. [ looks at Caller ID] It’s 555-7213. Right?
Tom Claymore: [ freezes, as Barbara hangs up on him ] Boy.. she’s got my number.. now I’m gonna have to kill her..
Announcer: At U.S. Fon, we don’t have Caller ID. Maybe we’re the right choice.
Hammer: 12/07/91
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 7th, 1991
Hammer
Hammer
Christina Ricci
Jimmy Workman
Hammer, “Too Legit To Quit”
Recurring Characters: President George Bush.
Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.
Tricking kids.(Repeat) See: 02/09/91.
What it takes a big man to do.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
It takes a big man to cry,
but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.