Spokesman: The book. Simple. Uncomplicated. Almost primitive. In an age of fiber-optics and laser technology, books have just been left behind. That is, ’til now. Introducing.. Virtual-Reality Books. where ordinary books stop, Virtual-Reality Books begin. Because, with Virtual-Reality.. you’re a part of the story! Strap on a classic, like.. Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick”.. and prepare to be blown away!
[ Spokesman puts on Virtual-Reality helmet and glove, as view reveals the Virtual-Reality experience of a typical suburban living room ]
Welcome to the ultimate reading experience. Look left.. [ view angles left to virtual lamp ] There’s a lamp. Look right.. [ view angles right to virtual endtable ] ..an endtable. Look up.. [ view angles up to virtual ceiling ] Look down.. [ view angles down to virtual floor ] Your journey begins as you turn the page.
[ Spokesman extends Virtual-Reality arm to turn page of book, revealing slow materialization of the words “Call me.. (more)”. Spokesman tuns the page to reveal slow materialization of the word “Ishmael”. ]
It’s like reading a book in your living room – only better!
And you’re Virtual-Reality experience doesn’t end with “Moby Dick”. In “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”, you’ll travel by raft down the mighty Mississippi, in a journey you’ll never forget.
And, when the kids are asleep, try an adult literature simulation so real, you’ll swear you were making love to one of Jackie Collins’ “Hollywood Wives”. [ view shows virtual book on virutal table, with title “Hollywood Wives on the cover ] Oh, yeahh.. oh-ho-o-o yeahhh!
Virtual-Reality Books. The only limit is your imagination – and ours.
Court TV Johnny Carson (Carvey) lends talk show gimmicks into O.J. Simpson trial. Recurring Characters: Johnny Carson, O.J. Simpson.
Ross Perot Greets Trick-or-Treaters Ross Perot (Carvey) makes trick-or-treaters cry when they come to his door. Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.
Edie Brickell & Paul Simon perform “Green”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald Al Franken reviews negative campaign ads. Hans (Carvey) & Franz (Kevin Nealon) on the fate of SNL’s recurring characters. Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.
Pepper Boy Marco (Carvey) teaches Carlo (Adam Sandler) the art of the craft.
Nobel Prize Awards
Edie Brickell & Paul Simon perform “Tomorrow Comes”
Work Excuses Employee (Tim Meadows) makes horrifying excuses for his tardiness.
[ Cheers and applause from the audience. Travolta blows a kiss to the audience. ]
John Travolta: I love you! I love you!!!
[ More cheers and applause from the audience. ]
John Travolta: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night for me, because almost 20 years ago tonight you allowed me into your living rooms with “Welcome Back, Kotter.”
[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]
John Travolta: And at the same time that was happening, there was a wonderful new show that came on Saturday nights called “Saturday Night Live.” And since then, for, um 20 years, Ive been asked to do this show; they’ve had like 400 episodes and Ive had like 5,000 comebacks! And and here I am tonight. And I dont know why I havent done the show. I… I… figured I was chicken or maybe I needed something to look forward to or maybe I need to promote my new movie “Pulp Fiction.”
[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]
John Travolta: But… uh… you know, tonight, because of this new role I have; I play a heroin addict, a murderer, a gangster — a charming fellow. You know… But I figured I wouldnt refer to my old movie characters. Or films. Or TV series. Because, you know… I got a new film.
[ Travolta pulls out a comb and starts styling his hair as Danny Zukow from “Grease”. ]
John Travolta: I dont got an ego where you have to refer to old movies or TV series. Why do that when you have a new movie like “Pulp Fiction”? It just doesn’t make sense. Gosh, its kind of breezy!
[ Travolta looks off of Home Base. ]
John Travolta: Can I borrow your hat?
[ A black, ten-gallon cowboy hat is tossed to him. ]
John Travolta: Oh, thank you.
[ Travolta puts on the hat. ]
John Travolta: Old films are old films and new films are new films, frankly. And… I… uh…
[ Travolta looks to front-row audience. ]
John Travolta: Is that a baby?
[ A woman’s cradling a newborn wrapped in blankets. ]
John Travolta: Can I see it?
[ The woman brings the baby onto Home Base. ]
John Travolta: Oh, how sweet!
[ Travolta holds the newborn, which starts to wail a little. ]
John Travolta: Oh, look who’s talking!
[ He hands the baby back to the mother and she takes her seat. Travolta takes off the cowboy hat and tosses it. ]
John Travolta: Thank you. It’s just crazy. It’s just fun to have a new film like “Pulp Fiction” and to forget about the old ones.
[ He peeks up to the ceiling. ]
John Travolta: Is that… A LIGHT!
[ A disco ball drops and Travolta strikes his famous Tony Monero pose from “Saturday Night Fever”. ]
John Travolta: Stay with us, ladies and gentlemen! We got Seal! We got John Travolta and he’ll be right back!
[ open on Woman giving product testimony from her couch ]
Woman: I had the bathroom from hell. [ laughs ] It was like everytime I cleaned it, ten minutes later it was dirty again! Then I heard about Bathroom Monkey. They said the Bathroom Monkey system would keep my entire bathroom clean for up to eight whole months. They were right.
[ real-life monkey air freshener demonstrates ]
The little monkey air freshener releases a clean and fresh scent, and it emits a piercing, ultra-high frequency shriek, scientifically designed to keep my Bathroom Monkey hard at work, 24 hours a day. Now my bathroom’s monkey clean and monkey fresh. And my bathroom monkey? He’s more than a bathroom cleanser. He’s a part of the family. [ Bathroom Monkey changes shower temperature level as Woman takes a shower ]
I don’t know where monkeys come from.. I don’t know how they reproduce.. I don’t know how they eat. But I do know one thing: they were born to clean bathrooms. And when it’s cleaning power is all used up.. [ she discards used Bathroom Monkey ] ..simply pick up another in any of three decorative colors: Red.. [ monkey in red diaper ] ..Blue.. [ monkey in blue diaper ] ..or Orangutan. [ SUPER: “Orangutan will not wear diaper” ] This little guy just started today, and, you know, I think my new Bathoom Monkey and I are gonna make a great team.
Larry King…..Kevin Nealon Marlon Brando…..John Travolta Caller…..Jim Downey
Announcer: Welcome to “Larry King Live”. Tonight: a special-edition, with a very special guest. A conversation with one of the greatest actors of our time: Marlon Brando. Now, live, from Brando’s home in Beverly Hills, here’s Larry King.
Larry King: Alright, we’re honored to be here in the beautiful home of the super-talented Marlon Brando. His book, “Brando: Songs My mother Taught Me”, the autobiography has been published by Random House. Now, Marlon.. I know you never grant interviews, so I’m honored.
Marlon Brando: Well, Larry, you know.. I knew I’d have a god time on this show. You’re sweating, Larry.. why are you sweating?
Larry King: [ nervous laughter ] I’m Jewish! Jews sweat!
Marlon Brando: Let me.. let me help you with that sweat.. let me help you soak this up here. [ dabbles Larry’s forehead with a tissue ]
Larry King: Alright.. alright..
Marlon Brando: [ sticks the tissue to Larry’s forehead ] There you go.
Larry King: Alright, Marlon. Alright, if you’re just tuning in, my guest is the brilliant Marlon Brando; the book, “Songs My Mother Taught Me”; and the tissue, to soak up my sweat.
Marlon Brando: Here, let me take that off you.. for you, Larry. [ removes tissue ]
Larry King: Alright. Thank you, Marlon. Alright, we’re back! Alright, we’ll be taking your calls a little later! We’re at the home of the great Marlon Brando, in Beverly Hills.. [ Marlon pinches Larry’s nose ] Alright, Marlon.. in Beverly Hills, California.
Marlon Brando: He can’t talk right now, because he’s got his nose pinched!
Larry King: Alright, Marlon.. alright, Marlon.. alright. Marlon, whatmade you get into acting?
Marlon Brando: Larry, do you know what this is? This is an oil the Native Americans made.. it’s a Sereconi plant. And they claim that the.. the oils are very healing.
Larry King: Actually has the ability to heal?
Marlon Brando: Yes, it does.
Larry King: Alright.
Marlon Brando: Why don’t you rub a little bit on my feet?
Larry King: [ crazed laughter ] Come on, Marlon!
Marlon Brando: No, go ahead, Larry.. I’ll talk to you about acting. [ props his bare foot in Larry’s lap ]
Larry King: Alright, Marlon. Anything for the great Marlon. [ starts to apply oil to Marlon’s bare foot ] Alright. If you’re just tuning in – the book, an autobiography; the subject, acting; the oil-laden foot, Marlon Brando’s.
Marlon Brando: I got my acting start in New York.. oh, that’s nice, Larry.
Larry King: Alright.
Marlon Brando: [ joyfully ] Oh, that’s good! You see.. Larry, acting is be.. believing.. Oh.. oh, that’s good..
Larry King: But why acting, Marlon?
Marlon Brando: Well, you know.. I want you to try one of these cookies – here. [ offers cookie to Larry, who’s shy to accept ] No, no, no.. go ahead, try one. [ Larry takes a cookie ] And don’t lie to me – if you like it, youtell me you liked it.
Larry King: Anything for the great Marlon Brando. [ nibbles cookie ]
Marlon Brando: What do you think?
Larry King: Interesting. Are these also made from the Sereconi plant?
Marlon Brando: [ slyly ] I’m not gonna tell you what it’s made from.
Larry King: [ worried ] Is it something that could make me sick?
Marlon Brando: Perhaps.. perhaps not.
Larry King: [ more worried ] Is it something that cookies are not normally made from?
Marlon Brando: Well.. let’s just say, you know.. maybe what it’s made from will put a cookie-eating grin on your face. [ chuckles ]
Larry King: [ puts cookie down ] Alright, Marlon.. alright. Mr. B., let’s talk about fame – what has it done for you?
Marlon Brando: Well, it’s allowed me a cer-.. a certain lifestyle, you know.. and it’s filled with privileges.
Larry King: Right. You like acting-
Marlon Brando: [ holds up huge baby bonnet ] You know, Larry.. I’d like to see you in this. [ tries to put the bonnet on Larry’s head ]
Larry King: What are you doing, Marlon?
Marlon Brando: Just wear it, Larry..
Larry King: [ struggling ] Come on, Marlon..
Marlon Brando: No, just wear it.
Larry King: What about acting?
Marlon Brando: Alright, go ahead, Larry.. [ finally gets the bonnet nestles on Larry’s head ] There you go, you look good.
Larry King: Alright, Marlon, whatever you say. Alright.
Marlon Brando: It’s a baby bonnet!
Larry King: [ embarrassed ] Yeah.. I know it is. [ trying to regain control ] Has fame made you happy?
Marlon Brando: Yes.. I’m happy, Larry. But how about you?
Larry King: I’m very happy!
Marlon Brando: Well, you don’t look so happy.. you look sad.
Larry King: I assure you, with great acting legend Marlon Brando on my show, I am very happy. [ to camera ] If you’re just joining us: the book, “Songs My Mother Taught Me”; our guest, the incomparable Marl- [ Marlon leans in to draw a smiley face on Larry’s mouth with a magic marker ] Alright, Marlon.. alright, Marlon.. alright.. anything for Marlon. Now I’m happy.. now I’m happy.. alright: the book, “Songs My Mother Taught Me”; the cookie, probably excrement; the bonnet, a gift; the smile, Magic Marker. We’ll be taking calls.
Marlon Brando: [ a proud artist ] Ha! Now Larry is happy!
Larry King: Alright, Marlon. Tomorrow night, Jerry Van Dyke and Tori Spelling. Holy Oak, Massachusetts! Hello!
Caller: Hello, Larry. Uh, Mr. Brando, I just want to say, I loved you in “On The Waterfront”.
Marlon Brando: Oh, thank you..
Caller: It’s my favorite movie! Uh.. my question is: could you make larry drop his pants?
Larry King: [ nervous laughter ]
Marlon Brando: Sure. Larry, drop your drawers.
Larry King: [ nervous laughter ] Let’s take some more calls!
Marlon Brando: No, no, why are you avoiding the issue, Larry? Drop your drawers for the man.
Larry King: [ stands ] Alright.. anything for the great Marlon Brando.
Marlon Brando: Let’s go.
Larry King: The man has won two Oscars, ladies and gentlemen. [ fully removes his pants, then sits ] Alright. Alright, Marlon, really quick: in your whole career, who have you had the most fun working with?
Marlon Brando: You, Larry! This is the most.. fun I’ve ever had in my life!
Larry King: Marlon’s being very flattering right now. [ Marlon tosses the cookies at Larry’s face ] Alright, Marlon.. come on, now.. come on, Marlon! Come on, now, let’s.. the great Marlon Brando, ladies and gentlemen..
Marlon Brando: Do you-
Larry King: Unfortunately, we are out of time right now.
Marlon Brando: Do you remember that song, Larry, “Got A Date..” [ singing ] “I’ve got a date with an angel..”
Larry King: Sure! Sure! Waller and Tunbridge..
Marlon Brando: Get on all fours!
Larry King: We’ve gotta go now..
Marlon Brando: Come on! Get on all fours!
Larry King: Alright, Marlon.. The Godfather has spoken. [ gets on all fours and lets Marlon ride him ] Alright.
Marlon Brando: That’s it! [ singing ] “I’ve got a date with an angel.. I’ve got a date with an angel..”
Larry King: The book is “Songs My Mother Taught Me”; the man riding me, Marlon Brando..
Marlon Brando: Are you happy, Larry?
Larry King: [ weary ] Very happy!
Marlon Brando: You look sad – tell your face that you’re happy.
Larry King: Tomorrow night: Jerry Van Dyke and Tori Spelling. Arrividerci!
Mr. Kotter…..Mike Myers Julie Kotter…..Janene Garofalo Hit Man #1…..Chris Farley Hit Man #2…..Chris Elliot Barbarino…..John Travolta Epstein…..Adam Sandler Horshak…..David Spade Washington…..Tim Meadows Mr. Woodman…..Jay Mohr Lenny…..Michael McKean Squiggy…..David L. Lander Mr. Pink…..Steve Buscemi
[ open on interior, Mr. Kotter’s apartment, breakfast nook ]
Mr. Kotter: Hey, Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Herbie Kotter from Poughkeepsie?
Julie Kotter: [ unenthused ] Why, no, Gabe. Tell me about your Uncle Herbie from Poughkeepsie.
Mr. Kotter: Well, Uncle Herbie was sort of a hippie. He decided to go hitchhiking across the country. But no one would ever pick him up, so he decided to walk! He walked across New York.. he walked across Pennsylvania.. halfway across Ohio..
Julie Kotter: Why only halfway?
Mr. Kotter: Well.. one day this van pulls up with these two guys. They throw him into the van, and they give Herbie the most savage beating I ever heard. They.. they go medieval on his ass, with a pair of pliers! And the whole time, they’re singing that song by The Archies..
Julie Kotter: “Sugar, Sugar”?
Mr. Kotter: Yeah, yeah. So, the whole time Herbie’s laying there, it’s like: “Sugar..” [ mimicks punching ] “Sugar, Sugar..” [ mimicks more punching ]
[ suddenly, a pair of Hit Men rush into the apartment and point theirguns at Mr. Kotter’s face ]
Hit Man #2: Cool it, bitch! [ holds out his gun, but him and his buddy are suddenly gunned down from the window ]
[ the Sweathogs appear at the window, guns smoking fresh from the attack ]
Barbarino: [ near-hyperventilating ] Oh, my God, Mr. Kotter, I thought you was gonna die, I swear!
[ cut to standard “Welcome Back Kotter” opening sequence, John Sebastian singing “Welcome Back” ]
[ SUPER: Quentin Tarantino’s Welcome Back Kotter ]
[ “Welcome Back” scratches off, replaced by George Baker Selection’s “Little Green Bag” from the movie “Reservoir Dogs” ]
[ cut to the Sweathogs and Mr. Kotter walking through their Brooklynneighborhood like street punks, introduced one by one: Barbarino, Horshack, Washington, Epstein, and Mr. Kotter ]
[ music fades, cut to exterior, Brooklyn High School ]
[ fade to interior, Mr. Kotter’s classroom ]
Mr. Kotter: [ entering ] Good morning! Good morning! I want tothank you Sweathogs for saving my life this morning..
Epstein: Hey there! It’s the least we could do, there, Mr. Kotter!
Horshak: Mr. Kot-tare. We’ve got a sur-prise for you. Look! [ the Sweathogs move towards a cloth-covered lump in the middle of the classroom ] Frederick?
Washington: [ peels off the cloth to reveal Mr. Woodman underneath ] Hi, there!
Horshak: It’s Mr. Wood-man! [ smacks the struggling Mr. Woodmanacross the face ]
Mr. Kotter: Listen.. you can’t tie up your principal!
Epstein: It’s okay, there, Mr. Kotter! [ dances to the front ofthe classroom ] I got a note!
Mr. Kotter: [ takes the note and reads ] “Dear, Mr. Kot-tare. Please allow Juan and his friends to tie up Mr. Woodman, and go medieval on his ass. Signed, Epstein’s Mother.” [ to Woodman ] He’s got a note. Barbarino, take off his gag.
Barbarino: What?
Mr. Kotter: His gag.
Barbarino: Where?Mr. Kotter: His mouth Take off the gag.
Barbarino: Who?
Mr. Kotter: Mr. Woodman!
Barbarino: Alright! You don’t hafta shout. [ removes Woodman’s gag ]
Mr. Woodman: You’ll pay for this, Kotter! You and your Sweathogs! You better let me go, or I’ll kill you, Kotter!
Barbarino: Are you finished? [ puts gag back over Woodman’s mouth, ignoring his muffled screams ] Washington.
Washington: [ reaches down, picks up a container of gasoline, and pours it over the screaming Woodman ] Hi, there!
Mr. Kotter: You can’t light Mr. Woodman on fire! You’ll burn down the whole school!
Epstein: It’s okay, Mr. Kotter, I got another note!
Mr. Kotter: Would you get out of here with your notes!
[ Barbarino starts dancing to Stealer’s Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle With You” ]
Barbarino: You can scream all you want, Mr. Woodman.. but you’regonna die! I swear! [ singing ] I said, “Bar-bar-bar,bar-barbarino..” Hit it, Horshak.
Horshak: Mr. Wood-man. You don’t look so good! [ does his laugh ]
Mr. Kotter: [ lights match ] Sorry, Woodman. School’s out.
Epstein: Goodbye, there, Mr. Woodman. If there’s a bigger, moredisgusting person on this planet, I’d like to see it.
[ suddenly, Lenny and Squiggy from “Laverne & Shirley” enter the classroom, brandishing weapons of their own ]
Squiggy: Hello!
Lenny: Alright, nobody move! If one of you walks to me, everybody dies!
Barbarino: Hey! Up your nose with a rubber hoses!
Squiggy: Yeah? Well, up your gizzard with a rubber lizard!
Lenny: That’s good. Did you just make that up?
Squiggy: I made it up in the car..
[ Mr. Pink from “Reservoir Dogs” suddenly makes his entrance into theclassroom, pointing his gun at all of them ]
Mr. Pink: Okay! Up your hole with a mellow roll!
[ gunfire breaks loose everywhere, sending everyone to the floor, as the title superimposes onto the screen, and the show fades to black ]
John Travolta: It’s been a great show. I want to thank Steve Buscemi and David Lander and to everyone else here. It’s been a really great week.
[ Janeane makes her way to Travolta. ]
Janeane Garofalo: John! What are we going to do after the show!?
Chris Farley: Yeah! Maybe we’re never going to see each other again!!!
John Travolta: Nah! That’ll never happen.
Seal: But John, how do you know?
John Travolta: “A WOP BA-BA LU-MOP!”
All: “A WOP BAM BOOM!!!”
[ Everyone starts dancing as the “Grease” soundtrack recording of WE GOT TOGETHER comes on. They all dance in unison towards the camera and into the audience. The “SNL” end credits beings. ]
All: [singing] “We go together like Rama lama lama Ke ding a de dinga a dong. Remembered forever like Shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom. Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop! That’s the way it should be!! Wha oooh yeah!!!”
[ Travolta and Seal break away from the others, who start filtering in various sections of the audience to dance. ]
Cast: [singing] “We’re for each other like A wop ba-ba lu-mop and wop bam boom! Just like my brother is Sha na na na na na yip-pit-y dip de boom! Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop! We’ll always be together!! Wha oooh yeah!!!”
[ Travolta, in a T-Birds leather jacket and Seal, wearing a blonde wig like Olivia Newton-John during the “Grease” finale, are seated in a roofless red 1994 Ford Thunderbird, accessorized with flame decals on hood. Both are superimposed over Home Base as the car drives towards the camera. ]
Chorus: “We’ll always be together We’ll always be together Well always be together.”
[ Everyone returns back to Home Base. The song fades out as Howard Shore’s “Closing Theme (A Waltz in A)” cues in. ]
[ a dark and stormy night: open on interior, Count Dracula’s castle, to find the Count sitting at his table with a Male and Female Guest ]
Male Guest: Count, once again, we want to thank you for your hospitality.
Female Guest: Yes. Are you sure we’re not imposing by staying the night?
Count Dracula: Oh, no, not at all. I find your company.. most delightful. And tomorrow, when the weather improves, you can.. continue your journey. But tonight, you are mine! Now, if you will excuse me for a moment.. [ he leaves the table, eying a bloodthirsty glance at his “guests” ]
Female Guest: He certainly is a very elegant man.
Male Guest: Yeah. But don’t you think there’s something weird about the guy?
Female Guest: He’s a little eccentric..
[ the Count slowly returns to the room, ready to strike upon his prey ]
Male Guest: Oh, he’s a little more than eccentric, honey.. I mean, put it together – staying up all night, the outfi, that weird accent of his.. those screams. The guy is definitely a fruit! He’s gay!
[ the Count quickly shirks out of the room, shocked by the accusation ]
Female Guest: Alright, so he’s gay. So what?
Male Guest: I’m just saying, there’s something weird about him. I mean, I don’t see a Countess around, or anything. Put two and two together..
[ the Count returns to his guests ]
Count Dracula: Uh.. since we are destined to become friends, I think you should know more about me. Perhaps you have formed the wrong impression of me. Allow me to correct..
[ the Count’s idiot servant, Renfield, interrupts the party ]
Renfield: Count? Count? I’ve prepared the spare bedroom for the guests.
Count Dracula: Oh, well, thank you. [ to his guests ] Let me introduce Renfield.
Female Guest: Nice to meet you, Renfield. Do you live here in the castle as well?
Renfield: Yeah. For over twenty years. The Count has been very good to me. He takes me when he travels, and he cuts my hair, and he buys me..
Count Dracula: Enough, Renfield! Don’t you have something else to do? [ Renfield leaves quietly ]
Female Guest: So, uh.. how long have you and Renfield been together?
Count Dracula: Now, what do you mean by that?
Feale Guest: Um.. how long has he been your companion?
Count Dracula: What are you implying, that Renfield and I are lovers? That’s absurd! First of all, he is my servant. And secondly, I am not gay! I mean, I am man of many secrets, but humping a mental defective is not one of them!
Male Guest: Okay. Whatever. You don’t have to explain..
Count Dracula: [ annoyed ] You don’t believe me, do you? Renfield! Renfield! [ Renfield re-enters ] Tell them that we are not gay. Go on.
Renfield: [ whispering ] The thing is, I am gay.
Count Dracula: [ shocked ] What?!
Renfield: Yeah, I’m gay.
Count Dracula: [ to his guests ] Well, I had no idea! I mean, he lives at the other end of the castle. Why should I know what he does? I don’t even care! Get out of here, Renfield! [ Renfield runs off ] Now, listen, I do not behave like most men, it’s true. But you must believe me, I am a vampire! I’m not gay. I suck human blood!
Male Guest: Sure, Count. Whatever.
Female Guest: Yeah. You know, your sexual preference is your business. We respect that. Honestly.
Count Dracula: [ exasperated ] You still don’t believe me! Okay, watch. Watch this, I’ll turn into a bat!
[ the Count walks out of the window and disappears. The Couple look out the window to see what happens. ]
Male Guest: Wow! Look at that!
Female Guest: Unbelieveable! He turned into a bat! He is a vampire!
Male Guest: Hey, there’s another bat! It’s another male bat! Oh, my God! They’re doing it!
Female Guest: Wow, are you sure that’s a male?
Male Guest: Yeah. Look at the red markings on the wings. Boy.. he’s really giving it to the Count!
[ a flash of light appears, as the Couple move back to let the Count flutter back through the window ]
Count Dracula: [ dismayed ] Oh, God! I don’t know what that was! I know this looks bad.. but I didn’t even know there were gay bats!
Male Guest: Maybe it was Renfield.
Count Dracula: No, no.. Renfield’s not a vampire. He’s just an idiot I hired out of pity. Why do you persist in thinking that we are sexually involved?
Female Guest: No, really.. it’s not important to us..
Male Guest: Yeah..
Count Dracula: [ grabbing a deck of cards off of a shelf ] Look.. let me show you.. Look, there are playing cards with naked women on them. Why would I have these if I were homosexual? It doesn’t make sense!
[ the door opens behind the couple, as the Wolfman enters ]
Wolfman: Hi! Listen, I’m sorry to interrupt. I know I’m the world’s biggest pest. But I’ve gotta borrow your pastry brush! Don’t mind about me, I’m not even here!
Count Dracula: Now, if you want gay, that’s gay!
Male Guest: Yeah.. but you two seem to know each other pretty well.
Count Dracula: Yes, he’s a friend of mine. You see, dear man, I am secure in my masculinity, unlike you, who is obsessed with it! Now, I’m sick of it! Both of you, get out of here!
Male Guest: You can’t send us out there with that gay bat flying around.
Count Dracula: Look, if you don’t leave at once, I will suck your blood!
Male Guest: I bet you’d like that!
Count Dracula: [ angry ] Out!Both of you, get out!
[ the Couple quickly exit the castle ]
Wolfman: [ passing through ] Party’s over?
Count Dracula: Listen, did you know that Renfield was gay?
Wolfman: Duh! Are you kidding?
Count Dracula: [ intrigued ] Did the two of you ever..?
Wolfman: No! He’s totally not my type! It’s not like he didn’t try, though.
Count Dracula: Really?
Wolfman: Oh, yeah. He’s been coming on to everyone. Especially since he learned how to turn himself into a bat.
Linda Richman…..Mike Myers Barbra Streisand…..John Travolta
Announcer: Welcome to Coffee Talk with your host Linda Richman.
Linda Richman: Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host Linda Richman. On this show we talk about coffee, New York, daughters, dogs. Normally, it’s no big whoop. But today there’s big news. Barbra, Barbra, Barbra! (holds up three things) Her CD, her video, and her article in Vanity Fair. So in honor of that, with me today, hand to God, strike me if I’m wrong. Barbra Streisand!
Barbra Streisand: You look gorgeous Linda.
Linda Richman: Now, if you don’t believe me. Let’s get a close up of this (camera closes in on drivers license) It’s her driver’s license. Barbra Streisand Six-foot, one-inch weight: 185 lbs.
Barbra Streisand: That’s right. I had my name legally changed, I had a little plastic surgery, and that was it.
Linda Richman: I want plastic surgery. I would love to have my neck lypoed. I’m starting to get a chicken neck. A woman my age should not look like poultry. Frank Purdue called for my number. Colonel Sanders put me on his speed dial.
Barbra Streisand: I think you look like buttah.
Linda Richman: Barbra here has her own one woman show and don’t tell mama it’s called “Color Me Barbra.”
Barbra Streisand: Yes, and I’m trying to wear the same sailor’s suit that I wore in my TV special in 1964 called “Color Me Barbra.” It sets a type of homage to myself.
Linda Richman: That’s a beautiful thing. I, however, am wearing the same top I wore to have a sebaceous cyst removed from my forehead. P.S.: Long story short. How long have you been impersonating Barbra?
Barbra Streisand: I don’t impersonate her. I am her.
Linda Richman: Okay dokey, I can play that game. So what did you think of Barbra’s – I mean your – article in Vanity Fair? You looked to die for.
Barbra Streisand: Thanks, thanks. People seem to love it. But I think people that don’t need people are the luckiest people in the world.
Linda Richman: You know it made me so happy to read in the article that you were finally able to tell your mother “I love you.” There I go, I’m all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. Ralph Fiennes’ name is neither spelled Rayph nor Fines. Discuss! There I feel better. Let’s go to the phones, the number is 555-4444. Give us a call we’ll talk no big whoop. Hello?
Caller #1: Hello Barbra, what are you going to do for your next movie?
Barbra Streisand: Well, I want to do a movie on the differences between men and women. I want to be the kind of strong woman who can say to a man: “How dare you, you as a man, speak to me, me as a woman! I think you’re full of crap!”
Linda Richman: That’s a hard piece. Let me ask you something. Do you still have a pee-pee or do you tuck it?
Barbra Streisand: Well, why don’t you come down and check for yourself by coming to Don’t Tell Mama’s Thursday through Sunday. I’m on after the Larry Stort Show.
Linda Richman: Sure, I’ll be there. Our number is 555-4444 give us a call. Hello?
Caller #2: Yeah, Barbra, I think you’re the greatest superstar there ever was. It’s disgusting when they print bad things about you.
Barbra Streisand: Thank you, I feel.. I feel your love. But I think they’re jealous. I do. I mean there’s only one of me and let them walk a mile in my shoe.
Linda Richman: You should forgive me, but anyone who says anything bad about you should stick their head in the ground and act like an onion Sta staligize ziebe zieble sie koppen dradt (yiddish)
Barbra Streisand: From your mouth to God’s ears.
Linda Richman: A bunch of mitz a metz a sebuzu provitzu a sessu a rockmunhez aun a scheinelmeidel..
[ An elevator door opens. CLOSE-UP on the shoes. CAMERA moves up to reveal JOHN TRAVOLTA. Decked in black suit and t-shirt, he begins to stroll down the hallway. The Bee Gees “Stayin’ Alive” begins. John passes three female extras in costumes and smirks at them. He approaches a female NBC PAGE at her desk. The music stops. ]
John Travolta: Hi!
NBC Page: Hi, Mr. Travolta!
John Travolta: Could you tell me where the bathroom is?
NBC Page: Actually, you were just down by that way – you passed it by the elevators.
John Travolta: Ah! Okay?
[ CAMERA zooms on Travolta’s shoes. He beings his stroll to “Stayin’ Alive” again. He passes the extras again and kindly greets them. John locates the men?s restroom and enters. The music stops. A pair of similar shoes exits and the music starts again, but the camera goes up to reveal writer FRED WOLF. Fred’s shocked and races off. The CAMERA goes back to the restroom door and the correct pair of shoes exit. “Stayin’ Alive” resumes and John proceeds down the hallway. He gets lost and stops as does the music. He approaches the female extras. ]
John Travolta: Excuse me, do you know where the dressing rooms are?
[ A female extra points down to the stage entrance. ]
Extra: There down that way?
[ CAMERA focuses on his shoes and the Bee Gees music begins again. John’s shoes approach the NBC Page’s desk. ]
John Travolta: Could I get the key to my dressing room?
NBC Page: I don?t have it. I think I gave it to you.
John Travolta: You gave it to me?
NBC Page: Yeah? maybe you left it in the men?s room.
John Travolta: How much time do I have?
[ She looks at her watch. ]
NBC Page: About a minute and a half.
John Travolta: Oh man!
[ John bolts to the men’s room. “Stayin’ Alive” speeds up but goes to normal speed as he slows down to gracefully walk past the extras but rushes to high speed as John rushes to the bathroom. After a few moments, John comes out of the restroom and runs down the hallway. ]
Joe Dicso (V/O): Slow down, John! Slow down! Relax, relax. You got plenty of time.
[ John goes to a casual stroll and the song goes to slow motion before stopping altogether. ]
Joe Dicso (V/O): 20 seconds!
[ John nears the stage entrance with stage manager JOE DICSO at his side. ]
Joe Dicso: John, you better not stand here. We got scenery coming through.
John Travolta: Sorry.
[ CAMERA goes down to his shoes. The last few bars of “Stayin’ Alive” play. ]
Joe Dicso (V/O): Okay we?re about to start! On air in 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1!
[ John drops his body to the ground and closes up on the CAMERA. ]
John Travolta: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:
Edie Brickell & Paul Simon, “Green”
